0:00:28 > 0:00:29APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:36How do you do, how do you do, howdy, howdy, howdy doodie, how do you do?
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Welcome to the QI zoo.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Why is it hard to hang on to a hagfish?
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- There's a hagfish. Yes? - I know.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47- It releases mucus. To defend itself. - The hagfish. It does.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Which works in real life.
0:00:49 > 0:00:53If anybody comes at me I just sneeze at them and they're backing off.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Have a look at a hagfish producing slime and tell me you could produce as much.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Here's someone manipulating it.
0:00:59 > 0:01:01AUDIENCE GROANS Eugh!
0:01:01 > 0:01:03That is producing that.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07It can turn a bucket of 20 litres of water into slime in minutes.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10- Great party piece. - Isn't it.
0:01:10 > 0:01:14I actually think... I think my baby daughter might be a hagfish.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17LAUGHTER
0:01:22 > 0:01:24That's nothing. LAUGHTER
0:01:25 > 0:01:30To be honest with you, I've got that on my trousers every morning.
0:01:30 > 0:01:34It also can tie itself into knots, which is another impressive thing.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37It literally does a slip knot or an overhand knot.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39It is quite bizarre.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Given the choice, if I had to have a special power,
0:01:42 > 0:01:46I'd like to be bitten by one of them, because excreting mucus would be...
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Like, Spiderman is all very well. Do a bit of climbing and that.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53Imagine you were sat in a chair and somebody went, "Do your thing,"
0:01:53 > 0:01:55and you went, "Bleaugh." LAUGHTER
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Wouldn't it be fantastic?
0:01:57 > 0:02:01If somebody tried to get you in a headlock, you'd go, "Bleaugh."
0:02:01 > 0:02:03That's exactly it. That's what it does.
0:02:03 > 0:02:08Superheroes are meant to help people. How would you help people with mucus?
0:02:08 > 0:02:12Spiderman helps people. How would you help people with mucus?
0:02:12 > 0:02:16"There's a child that's got his head in the railings. Vv-phhh."
0:02:16 > 0:02:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:20 > 0:02:22You know, that's one.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27- Or...or... - That's a good comic book story(!)
0:02:28 > 0:02:32This gravy is unnecessarily runny. "Vv-phhh."
0:02:32 > 0:02:33LAUGHTER AND GROANS
0:02:33 > 0:02:38What's the key ingredient, then, in the world's nastiest cocktail?
0:02:39 > 0:02:42- Malibu. - LAUGHTER
0:02:42 > 0:02:44KLAXON
0:02:44 > 0:02:45APPLAUSE
0:02:47 > 0:02:51I reckon you've got someone there who's a really good, quick typist,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- and she goes, "Bang!" - LAUGHTER
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Why is the Child Catcher now working as a barista?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00- LAUGHTER - I suppose it's to suggest nastiness.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04It is, indeed, Sir Robert Helpmann. We're after a nasty cocktail.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08- Is it a genuine drink? - It's a genuine cocktail.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11It's served in a bar in a genuine place in a genuine country.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- Japan.- Switzerland? - Canada, Canada.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17- Some sort of moose? - In the Yukon, in a mining bar.
0:03:17 > 0:03:22The Downtown Hotel in Dawson City. It's a part of a human being.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24- Eye? - Toenail.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- Well, toenails is good enough. - Bogeys.- It's a toe.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28- A toe? - A toe. Yeah.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32The sourtoe cocktail is the specialite de la maison
0:03:32 > 0:03:35- in the Downtown Hotel. - Where do they get the toe?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Well, there's a whole story there.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- GROANS - Yeah.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45It started in the 1960s, when a figure called Captain Dick Stevenson,
0:03:45 > 0:03:49he'd been all kinds of things from a male stripper to a miner
0:03:49 > 0:03:54- to a lumberjack, you know the way that men are.- All the usual ones. - Exactly.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57He found himself in an old cabin, and there was a pickled toe
0:03:57 > 0:04:01that had belonged to a rum-runner back in the prohibition days.
0:04:01 > 0:04:05And for some reason he thought it would be amusing to offer,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08as a challenge, to put it in alcohol,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11and the idea was you drank it. It became a very popular drink.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14You kept the toe. It moved from glass to glass.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17The important thing was there's a rhyme, which is key,
0:04:17 > 0:04:19"You can drink it fast, you can drink it slow,
0:04:19 > 0:04:21"but the lips have got to touch the toe."
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- LAUGHTER - The toe has to touch.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Unfortunately, there was a series of accidents.
0:04:26 > 0:04:31In 1980, Gary Younger, a local miner, accidentally swallowed the toe.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33So they found another one.
0:04:33 > 0:04:35This very nice lady called Mrs Laurence of Alberta,
0:04:35 > 0:04:41whose middle toe was amputated due to an inoperable corn, donated it.
0:04:41 > 0:04:47So you're drinking a toe that not only was amputated but had a hideous corn on it!
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- That lasted well. - I've drunk worse.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I remember being at a party once,
0:04:55 > 0:04:58no glasses, drinking Tia Maria out of a dog bowl!
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- LAUGHTER - Wow!
0:05:00 > 0:05:02No glasses. Slurp.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06"That? That's... That's chicken. It's fine."
0:05:08 > 0:05:10It's called a sidetone.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14It's when your voice is played back through the earpiece.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17So that it's slightly amplified.
0:05:17 > 0:05:22You hear your voice back in the ear, which you don't on mobile phones. Except the newest ones.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26You nearly did a thing that annoyed me then. Um...
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Oh! Oh!
0:05:27 > 0:05:30He gets annoyed when you've nearly done it!
0:05:30 > 0:05:34It's a new thing I've noticed when people pretend to talk on the phone and they do that.
0:05:34 > 0:05:40- Is that getting to you? - Not that new. I know what you mean. - That's starting to get on my nerves.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44LAUGHTER What if you do that one?
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- Where you bring it down, like. - A flip phone!
0:05:47 > 0:05:49LAUGHTER Is that all right?
0:05:58 > 0:06:00You know the, err... I've got a touch phone.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- I've got an iPhone. - Yeah, I've got an iPhone.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05Call me!
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I work in a call centre, look.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Hello? D'you want double glazing?
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Since the death of Marcel Marceau, the world of mime has gone to chaos.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19Absolute chaos. People don't know what they're doing.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22That was a hell of a funeral as well, wasn't it.
0:06:24 > 0:06:25LAUGHTER
0:06:31 > 0:06:37But when the... The mad thing was, at the funeral, they didn't use a coffin,
0:06:37 > 0:06:39they just had him like that. LAUGHTER
0:06:44 > 0:06:48Now, a lorry-load of birds are being weighed on a weighbridge.
0:06:48 > 0:06:53At some moment, all the birds simultaneously rise off their perches and flap in the air.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56- They're all alive? - They're all alive, yeah.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00- Does the lorry weigh less when they rise up in the air?- Yes.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- No. - Got a yes and a no.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07Not in contact with the thing? So no, it would weigh less.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Is it sealed, the lorry?
0:07:09 > 0:07:12It's closed. It's got a tailgate, it's all locked up.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14They're inside the lorry. You can't see them.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- Wouldn't there be pressure from the air?- Yeah.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- It weighs the same. - Yes.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24It's something very similar to if you weigh yourself, then you do a number two
0:07:24 > 0:07:28and weigh yourself again, you don't lose the weight of the number two.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30LAUGHTER
0:07:30 > 0:07:33There we're in a slightly different territory.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37If you will crap on the scales, yes!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41APPLAUSE
0:07:42 > 0:07:45You're right. The answer is not to poo on the scales.
0:07:45 > 0:07:46No! No!
0:07:46 > 0:07:50Leave the scales, do the number two, go back to the scales.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53- Seriously? You don't lose... - Of course you do!
0:07:53 > 0:07:55- The money I've wasted on enemas. - No, no!
0:07:55 > 0:07:59No, it doesn't, it weighs the same, and I can't remember the reason why.
0:07:59 > 0:08:00I know this.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03So they all lift off at exactly the same time?
0:08:03 > 0:08:07It's the bird, the bird... Lorry system. It's there in the...
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- I know it's weird, but... - Is it sealed?
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Is it to do with it being sealed?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15If you're carrying a bowling ball and you're on the scales,
0:08:15 > 0:08:19and then you throw the bowling ball in the air... It would kill you.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- Because it's sealed. - And the air's moving. Exactly.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24You and the air have created that weight.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Wherever the birds put themselves, it weighs the same.
0:08:27 > 0:08:31But the interesting question, and you're absolutely right.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Don't pass it off that easily!
0:08:33 > 0:08:35The interesting question is if it's an open-top lorry,
0:08:35 > 0:08:40and they're sitting on the perch and they jump up and they jump slightly higher.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44Then they're no longer part of the lorry-bird system. Then it would be lighter.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48Where does the phrase "there isn't room to swing a cat" come from?
0:08:48 > 0:08:53- Cat swinging.- Cat o' nine tails. - Cat o' nine tails? No, oddly enough.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55It's the kind of thing people think it is.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58It's when they flogged people with an actual cat.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00The phrase is older than the cat o' nine tails.
0:09:00 > 0:09:05It literally means what it says. It's a folk expression, meaning to swing a cat round.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09The first use of cat o' nine tails is 1695 in the English language,
0:09:09 > 0:09:15and at least 40 years earlier than that, there are references to not being able to swing a cat.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18So disappointing when you find that out.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21- Meo-o-ow! - Do you know where the "whole nine yards" comes from?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23- The whole nine yards? - Meow! Boof!
0:09:23 > 0:09:26- Alan's doing cat sounds. - An American term?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28Yeah, but how would you swing it, though?
0:09:28 > 0:09:32There's that way, but then there's also that way.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34LAUGHTER Round and round.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37One thinks by the tail, definitely, whatever.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41Do you get a big, loopy swing? Or do you get some speed up?
0:09:43 > 0:09:48It'd be nice to find a room where there was enough room to swing a cat in. Just.
0:09:48 > 0:09:51So the cat's constantly just going, "Ah! Whoosh!"
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- By a whisker! - By a whisker.
0:09:55 > 0:10:00How would you use one of these to save someone from drowning?
0:10:00 > 0:10:04I've got one here. I have to put gloves on because it's a delicate instrument.
0:10:04 > 0:10:05I'm not allowed to touch it.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08It's been lent to us by the Wellcome Collection,
0:10:08 > 0:10:11one of the best medical collections in the world.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13He could save himself by, for example, swimming.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- Yeah, but... - Rather than going, "Aaah."
0:10:16 > 0:10:21Let's imagine somebody had landed on a beach, almost dead from drowning,
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- and you have one of these. - Is it a bellows?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25It is a bellows, a set of bellows.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- Pump air into his lungs. Easy. - You'd think that. No.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- Up his bum. - Are we saving him from drowning?
0:10:31 > 0:10:36- Alan. Alan, repeat what you said. - Up his bum.- Yes.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Up the bottom, but it's not air. There's more to it.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- Is it spit? Is it air? - Brandy!
0:10:41 > 0:10:45- You unscrew that...tobacco in. - Are you ordering?
0:10:45 > 0:10:51- You put tobacco in and light it. - Blow smoke up his arse! - Up the bottom?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Basically, if you're trying to resuscitate someone,
0:10:53 > 0:10:58and it's not like someone once wrote it might be a good idea and so we've seized on it.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01This was general, mainstream medical belief.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04And these were hung up all along the Thames.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07On the embankment and on canals and waterways.
0:11:07 > 0:11:12People were expected to know, as you might be expected to know where a fire extinguisher was,
0:11:12 > 0:11:13where the bellows were.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17You fill that with tobacco and, presumably, you puff it like a pipe,
0:11:17 > 0:11:19having washed it from its previous use.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26- And then, "Phht, phht." Like that. - So it'd be next to the life ring.
0:11:26 > 0:11:30- You throw the ring and drag them in. - I know it seems bonkers.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33What happened, apparently - there's an example.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35LAUGHTER
0:11:35 > 0:11:39This is before this was invented, and you needed someone with a pipe.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41"Blow, man. For God's sake!"
0:11:41 > 0:11:43"Is it sucking or blowing? I can't remember."
0:11:43 > 0:11:45LAUGHTER
0:11:46 > 0:11:50"I think it's blowing, is it?" "I don't know." "Be sure! He's drowning!"
0:11:50 > 0:11:52"I'll do both. I'll suck first."
0:11:52 > 0:11:57Is it the shock of the sensation of having smoke blown up your arse
0:11:57 > 0:12:01- that makes you splutter back into life?- Who knows.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Apparently, in the 18th century, the late 1700s,
0:12:03 > 0:12:08a woman was found drowning and apparently almost dead,
0:12:08 > 0:12:13people tried the normal things, and someone suggested blowing smoke up her arse.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14It seemed to work!
0:12:14 > 0:12:19There was a point when they went, "Kiss of life? Just wait a second.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21"Hand me that pipe!" LAUGHTER
0:12:22 > 0:12:24It would've been a beautiful sight,
0:12:24 > 0:12:30when you've blown the smoke up there, and the person splutters back to life and then takes off,
0:12:30 > 0:12:32with the smoke coming out!
0:12:32 > 0:12:34"Look at the speed they're going at!"
0:12:34 > 0:12:39Bloke on the left looks like he's going to rob his trousers if he doesn't come round.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- There's always a villain in 18th-century London. - He's generating smoke.
0:12:42 > 0:12:45They didn't have an all-in-one device like this.
0:12:45 > 0:12:49- The one on the right has the pipe. - Christ. He has to French-kiss the bloke in the hat.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53This has nothing to do with saving a drowning man!
0:12:53 > 0:12:57- Perversions of old London. - I think we've got another picture.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00- I hope it's real people this time. - There you are.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02LAUGHTER He's not drowning!
0:13:02 > 0:13:06- No, well he's... - He's just in the pub! He's just in the pub.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09It's just that scene from Pulp Fiction.
0:13:10 > 0:13:16This is bad, because it means, at any point, people could say, "I think I might be drowning."
0:13:16 > 0:13:21Also, as if that's bad enough, as if that doesn't look wrong enough,
0:13:21 > 0:13:26the bloke in the background went, "I think I'll get my donkey in on this."
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Oh! When you said, "Blow smoke up my ass..."
0:13:34 > 0:13:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Oh, dear.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41I know. What a strange world we lived in.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- That was mainstream medical science. - GAGGING
0:13:44 > 0:13:47That's got stuck in my throat, that!
0:13:47 > 0:13:50The bellows!
0:13:53 > 0:13:57I went hunting with an Amazonian tribe, with curare-tipped darts.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59It was a great experience.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03It was the Matis people in the Amazon, in the Upper Amazon.
0:14:03 > 0:14:08They sort of... They're huge, these blowpipes they use.
0:14:08 > 0:14:15The darts are very, very long and beautifully flighted with the fur of monkeys on the end.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17And they just... Phht! And they'd blow them up.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19The thing is, they go a huge distance.
0:14:19 > 0:14:24- They go right to the top of the jungle canopy.- Really? - They go an enormous distance.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26He said, "Do you want to have a go at it?"
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- I said, "Yes, of course!"- Yes!
0:14:29 > 0:14:32You went, "Phut."
0:14:32 > 0:14:35He said, "You've got to aim at the monkey."
0:14:35 > 0:14:38There's a spider monkey, a howler monkey, on the tree.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41He said, "Go for it." And I went like that, phht.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45And instead of going at the monkey, it went vertically up in the air.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49All the tribes, they just scattered. LAUGHTER
0:14:49 > 0:14:50Wow!
0:14:50 > 0:14:54I went like this, I went, "Phht" and they all went, "Aaah!"
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Standing there going, "What? What?" and one of them went, "Get out!"
0:14:58 > 0:15:00- Because it would kill you? - It would.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04What's the best way to hypnotise either A - an alligator,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07B - a tiger shark, or C - a chicken?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- I've seen them do it to sharks. - What do they do?
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Don't they lie them on their backs or something?
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Exactly right. You flip it over and it goes...
0:15:17 > 0:15:22But I thought that if sharks have to keep moving in order to survive.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23That's right.
0:15:23 > 0:15:28Which is why whales have learnt to tip them over in order to make them suffocate. It will kill them.
0:15:28 > 0:15:32There's a very small hammerhead shark.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34- That is a toy shark. - LAUGHTER
0:15:35 > 0:15:38Or a really big diver. LAUGHTER
0:15:39 > 0:15:42A frighteningly big diver!
0:15:42 > 0:15:44I think we'd have heard of him.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47BUZZER
0:15:47 > 0:15:49I think I know how you do chickens.
0:15:49 > 0:15:55It's weird, because it actually looks like you're oppressing them violently.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58You have to hold them to the ground and draw a line.
0:15:58 > 0:16:03Yes. You draw a line from their beak along, and they just stare at it.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07That's what they do.
0:16:07 > 0:16:10But they're not hypnotised, they're just...
0:16:10 > 0:16:14They're wondering, "What's that prat doing scribbling on my beak?"
0:16:14 > 0:16:18It's called tonic immobility in animals. That is the example.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21There's another way of doing it with chickens.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24You take a stick or a paddle, this is a light flagellation paddle
0:16:24 > 0:16:26I happened to have in the house.
0:16:26 > 0:16:31You fix eyes to it and hold it up to it and it'll stare at it forever.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Our producer tried it on his - we're the kind of show whose producers have chickens,
0:16:35 > 0:16:36that's how cool we are.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40He said it didn't work at all. They went off to eat things.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42You just made that up, didn't you?
0:16:42 > 0:16:46No, no. It's in all the books. It says that is a way to hypnotise them.
0:16:47 > 0:16:51In all of the books? In all of the chicken hypnotising books?
0:16:51 > 0:16:53All of them? How many are there?
0:16:53 > 0:16:58Which is why you can't ever let your chickens watch the Muppets.
0:17:00 > 0:17:05How would you use one of these to calm a horse down?
0:17:06 > 0:17:10- Oh, now. Yeah. Calm it down? - LAUGHTER
0:17:12 > 0:17:15What I'm thinking of is not going to calm it down!
0:17:15 > 0:17:21Have they been used? If they're what I think they are, I don't want to touch it.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- It'll only have been on a horse. - Is it over its nose?
0:17:24 > 0:17:26It's that big.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- On the tail? - You fire an arrow at the horse.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34- Well, the points have gone to Alan. - Tastes weird.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37Alan's identified where it goes. Not the full points.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39- BUZZER - Yes, Claire?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- It's a twitch. - It's a twitch. She knows, you know.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Of course she knows, she's Claire Balding!
0:17:45 > 0:17:48She's here expressly...
0:17:48 > 0:17:52I couldn't let Alan get more. I thought I'd give him a go and he's nearly right.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56Yes. Imagine you have to give medication...
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Are these... Here, I'll do... Chweep. Twin-ng!
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- LAUGHTER - This isn't calming me.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Is this Whose Line Is It Anyway? from about ten years ago?
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Imagine you're giving a horse medication.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11They're very nervous animals.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14They don't like being fiddled around with any more than anyone else.
0:18:14 > 0:18:21When they're uncomfortable, they can hurt themselves as much as they can hurt a vet or anyone attending them.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24They strike out, so you need to calm a horse down.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28There's a very magical thing about horses. It's most peculiar.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29What is it, Claire?
0:18:29 > 0:18:33If you take their top lip... You can do it with your hands or rope.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37To me it looks a little bit severe, I've never seen one quite like this.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40You take their top lip and they won't move.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43They just go into a state of almost trance-like...
0:18:43 > 0:18:46It's a bit like the rabbit in the headlights freeze.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48It makes them go completely - phhh.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52- Yeah, like that. - Then you can administer. That's it.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- Alan is a horse. - LAUGHTER
0:18:58 > 0:19:02- Give me the drugs now, the drugs. - You don't need them now. - You can sing at the same time.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05With some, if you take their ear and it has the same effect.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07How did they find that out?
0:19:07 > 0:19:10There's been a lot of experimentation going on.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13"I suppose we'll try... That went badly. Let's try the lip now."
0:19:15 > 0:19:19It was thought originally that it was almost some kind of distraction,
0:19:19 > 0:19:22and that if you did that it couldn't concentrate on something else.
0:19:22 > 0:19:28It was discovered that it releases endorphins and just gets blissed out.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32It's rather nice to know, because it looks a bit cruel.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- LAUGHTER - I'm fine. I'm fine.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40What is the roundest thing in the universe?
0:19:41 > 0:19:45- No, just saying. - Oh, no, Phil!
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Is it a black hole?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50It's that kind of a deal.
0:19:50 > 0:19:56When a supernova has a gravitational collapse, it turns into something called a neutron star.
0:19:56 > 0:20:01- Ah, the neutron star! - They're really round.
0:20:01 > 0:20:04That's not round!
0:20:04 > 0:20:08That's a supernova, I think. That's a supernova going supernova.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Show us the round thing!
0:20:10 > 0:20:12- The rec... - STEPHEN LAUGHS
0:20:14 > 0:20:18- You're very upset, aren't you? - Yes!
0:20:18 > 0:20:20It only has a diameter of 15 miles or so.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23There isn't one near enough for you to see with the eye.
0:20:23 > 0:20:27Have you ever noticed how we always have to take Stephen's word for it?
0:20:27 > 0:20:31What's interesting is if I had a thimbleful of a neutron star,
0:20:31 > 0:20:33it would weigh more than a mountain.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37Yeah, but you don't!
0:20:37 > 0:20:41I tell you what, imagine how confused the old woman darning your socks would be
0:20:41 > 0:20:45if you had a thimble full of it and she was trying to fix a hole.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49And the were, "Phoomph!" Space and time coming out of a thimble.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51That's no way to treat the elderly.
0:20:52 > 0:20:57When you've got a good cleaning lady, you want to hang onto them.
0:20:57 > 0:21:02"I'm leaving, Mr Dee." "Why?" "Because of this space business with your thimble. I don't like it."
0:21:03 > 0:21:08Could you give us your impression of the average WWII British...
0:21:08 > 0:21:09LAUGHTER
0:21:09 > 0:21:13Oh, dear. The average British WWII fighter pilot.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- You look hilarious on the end. - LAUGHTER
0:21:19 > 0:21:21That is a character! I'm going to...
0:21:21 > 0:21:26Someone has got to write a sitcom around David Mitchell's character.
0:21:27 > 0:21:33You look like you're posing with a successful novelty air force team,
0:21:33 > 0:21:37and you've just agreed to have your photograph taken with them for your birthday.
0:21:37 > 0:21:41I know you're not, but if they'd invented Gaydar instead of radar...
0:21:41 > 0:21:45I'm sorry to say, that would mark high.
0:21:47 > 0:21:52"I'm ordering these helmets for my wife's birthday."
0:21:52 > 0:21:58In this war film, I think I die about two thirds of the way through.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Breaks the heart of the audience and inspires the hero.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05Everyone kills a load of Germans as revenge for my death.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09And I'm the old WWI hero with a gammy leg who watches them come back
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- and cries because... - I don't think Alan dies.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15I think you make it through. I think I die.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18You think I'm going to live, and then right near the end, I die.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Like Von Ryan's Express as I'm running towards the train.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- I get shot at the end. - Right.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27I'm the plucky woman who was just supposed to do the radio
0:22:27 > 0:22:29that's been forced to fly one of the planes.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32You look as if you could do it. You've got your sergeant stripes.
0:22:32 > 0:22:35How do the pilots talk? That's the thing.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38(NASAL VOICE) Red leader, red leader.
0:22:38 > 0:22:44We've got a lovely team today who will be furnishing you with the easy kiosk...
0:22:45 > 0:22:50Scratch cards, Minstrels. Like that.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- Clean up in aisle three. - LAUGHTER
0:22:53 > 0:22:56What sort of people were they? That's what it comes down to.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59What sort of people? Quite posh. KLAXON
0:23:02 > 0:23:04I think you'll find you're wrong.
0:23:04 > 0:23:10They so weren't. 30% of all fighter pilots in the Battle of Britain went to public school.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14In fact, of that 30%, they were mostly minor public schools,
0:23:14 > 0:23:18and of the Eton, Harrow and Winchester, the top 13, only 8%.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20The actors that played them were posh.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21That's the point.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24In the war films during and after the war,
0:23:24 > 0:23:27Kenneth Moore and David Niven and so on, they spoke like that.
0:23:27 > 0:23:31Did the Germans know we were sending out the lower classes?
0:23:33 > 0:23:37(GERMAN ACCENT) Someone who has got no manners whatsoever!
0:23:38 > 0:23:39APPLAUSE
0:23:45 > 0:23:49The first time I did scuba diving, I made a basic error.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53You know you have a big lead weight belt and a big buoyancy jacket,
0:23:53 > 0:23:57lovely floaty, floaty buoyancy jacket, very heavy lead weight.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Which one should you take off first?
0:24:00 > 0:24:01LAUGHTER
0:24:01 > 0:24:03So I took the buoyancy jacket off,
0:24:03 > 0:24:07handed it to the bloke, and... SPLUTTERS
0:24:09 > 0:24:11He just grabbed my hand. I went, "Whoa!"
0:24:11 > 0:24:14I thought I could die, but I was laughing.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17"Oh, what am I like? Oh, I'm dying."
0:24:18 > 0:24:21Wouldn't it be awful if your last words were, "What am I like?"
0:24:25 > 0:24:29From testing spells, you'll like this, to spelling tests.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31GROANS
0:24:31 > 0:24:34I before E, fingers on buzzers, excepting after?
0:24:34 > 0:24:36- BUZZER - C.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38KLAXON
0:24:39 > 0:24:42No. That just isn't the rule. Why isn't it the rule?
0:24:42 > 0:24:46- Because of words... - Words where it's not.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49When E comes before I after C.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52There are more exceptions to the rule than the rule itself, by quite a long way.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56- Ceiling. Is "ceiling" one? - They've been counted. Would you like to know?
0:24:56 > 0:25:02Yeah. Err... Yeah. There are 923 English words that have a C-I-E in them.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05- Do we have to name them all? - No.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- Name some. - Ceiling.
0:25:08 > 0:25:09No. That's C-E-I.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16- C-E-I is what you said. - No.
0:25:16 > 0:25:20- The rule is, the supposed rule is... - I before E, except after C.
0:25:20 > 0:25:24I'm saying, in fact, there are 923 which break that rule.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- Receive. Receipt. - I before E, except after C?
0:25:27 > 0:25:31- We're looking for words where E follows C, aren't we?- No.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34No. The rule is, it should be C-E-I.
0:25:34 > 0:25:38- According to that. - Oh, you're saying it's wrong!
0:25:38 > 0:25:39There are 923...
0:25:39 > 0:25:42I know one which it isn't. Ceiling. That's not one.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43No!
0:25:43 > 0:25:45- "Ceiling" isn't one.- No!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47"Ceiling" isn't one of the ones you're looking for.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- Yes. I want the ones I am looking for.- That's right.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51So I repeat - not "ceiling".
0:25:51 > 0:25:55I'm looking for the ones I'm looking for. So give me a C-I-E.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Ceiling?
0:25:57 > 0:25:59God... I may explode at any minute.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01C-I-E. Um...
0:26:01 > 0:26:05- "Receipt" is CIE.- Those are the ones that conform to the rule.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08The rule is looking pretty good right now.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Glacier. Species.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Yes. But now I know them, and I didn't think I knew any.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Yes. The point is there are lots and lots.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19These are ones with E-I without the C in front, obviously,
0:26:19 > 0:26:20as well as the C-I-E. Congierge.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Oh, you don't even have to have a C in it now!
0:26:22 > 0:26:26No! They're E-I! Are you incapable of rational thought?!
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Are you... You cannot be that stupid!
0:26:31 > 0:26:32You cannot be that...
0:26:32 > 0:26:36Can I just say, you really are going to have to work on your Bruce Forsyth patter.
0:26:36 > 0:26:41MIMICS BRUCE FORSYTH: "Are you really capable of rational thought?!
0:26:41 > 0:26:44"I tell you! Are you a human being? I don't think you are."
0:26:44 > 0:26:47No. But work it out.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50- These words don't count. They're not even English words.- Well...
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- You can't have "hacienda" and "congierge".- The point is
0:26:53 > 0:26:57there are 21 times as many words that break the rule than don't.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59However, if you want to spell "ceiling"...
0:26:59 > 0:27:01- If you want to spell "ceiling"... - Or "receipt".
0:27:01 > 0:27:08Or "conceit" or "deceit". But if you want to spell "veil" and "weird"...
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Yeah, but there's no C in them.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14It's I before E, every time, except after C.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18But in "weir"... That's the point!
0:27:18 > 0:27:19Oh, I see!
0:27:19 > 0:27:21APPLAUSE
0:27:21 > 0:27:24You cannot be that stupid!
0:27:24 > 0:27:26He said it, and you're looking at me!
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Why do I get the blame for his stupidity?!
0:27:29 > 0:27:31I've got my own, thank you!
0:27:32 > 0:27:33Wow.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Daniel, you're the only person who isn't a complete idiot.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38No!
0:27:38 > 0:27:39It's become clear.
0:27:39 > 0:27:44- No, I assure you, I am... - "Stephen" begins with S...
0:27:44 > 0:27:47What about my surname? Am I spelling that right?
0:27:47 > 0:27:51- There's an I and an E in that. - It's I before E always.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53According to the rule.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55- But the rule's wrong, Stephen! - Yes, the rule is wrong.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58The rule is officially no longer taught in schools
0:27:58 > 0:28:01- because it is so clear.- Oh, really? Is it not at all taught any more?
0:28:01 > 0:28:06The rule now is it's I before E, but sometimes it's E before I.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Mostly after C, it's I-E.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11If in doubt, look it up, you lazy git.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15- I before E except for the following 923.- Yes.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17And then you reel them all off.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20Thank God for spell check.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Ceiling.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28APPLAUSE
0:28:37 > 0:28:41Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:41 > 0:28:44E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk