0:00:24 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Well, hello.
0:00:32 > 0:00:37Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to QI
0:00:37 > 0:00:42for a bracing dose of health and safety gone mad.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Speaking of life-saving devices, I have some here.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47And I'd like you to tell me what you think they're for.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49These are the real thing.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52And they are there to save lives.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55How would that save your life? Can you see...?
0:00:56 > 0:01:01If you look... You've got to look at your neighbour to see what you look like
0:01:01 > 0:01:04and see if you can work out how this can be of any use.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09JEREMY: Is it for doing complicated experiments?
0:01:09 > 0:01:11Not really a complicated experiment.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14It's for dealing with animals that don't like being looked at in the eye.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Oh, Alan, you are on sparkling form. Absolutely right.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19- What sort of animal might that be? - A bear?
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Not a bear, actually, in this instance.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- Some dogs don't like it.- Plenty of animals don't like it.- Ants?
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Ants? Not so much ants.
0:01:27 > 0:01:30It's great that you're trying.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32But not ants.
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- A tiger or a lion? - It's a big primate.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37- A gorilla?- It's a gorilla.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40It's a gorilla,
0:01:40 > 0:01:43you'll see it has written on the side of it there, in Dutch,
0:01:43 > 0:01:48"De oplossing..." And then it says, "Bokito kijker",
0:01:48 > 0:01:50which means "Bokito viewer".
0:01:50 > 0:01:52"Kijken" is to look.
0:01:52 > 0:01:58But the trouble with these is it does look a bit like you're going, "Oh!"
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Gorillas like that.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02What they don't like is a long, loving look.
0:02:02 > 0:02:06What happened was in Rotterdam Zoo, this gorilla called Bokito,
0:02:06 > 0:02:08and a woman thought she was bonding with him,
0:02:08 > 0:02:11and she would sit and smile,
0:02:11 > 0:02:15and gaze lovingly into his big brown eyes, and that's the worst thing you can do to a silverback,
0:02:15 > 0:02:17to a dominant male.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19One day, he just grabbed her.
0:02:19 > 0:02:24He leapt over, bit her 100 times and he broke many of her bones, shall we say.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27She was very nearly killed. But fortunately, being Dutch...
0:02:27 > 0:02:31I'd like to have a pair of these if I ever get pulled over for speeding.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38"Do you know why you've been pulled over?" "I've no idea."
0:02:38 > 0:02:40"Where are you? Where have you gone?"
0:02:40 > 0:02:42"You big gorilla, you."
0:02:42 > 0:02:46We went to the zoo, and my mate Mike, who's an odd bloke anyway,
0:02:46 > 0:02:51we were in the monkey enclosure, and he was staring at a monkey for ages.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54And the monkey stared back at him and went like this...
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Hello!
0:02:57 > 0:02:59And what did that mean, do we think?
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Well, they're married now, so...
0:03:05 > 0:03:10- So if you're feeling a bit tired, can you put them on upside down? - I suppose you could.
0:03:10 > 0:03:15So, for weeks and weeks, this woman had been thinking, "I'm getting on really well with this gorilla".
0:03:15 > 0:03:19And the gorilla's been thinking, "I hate her."
0:03:19 > 0:03:22I'm going to do something, at some point, I'm going to crack.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25But did they check that it wasn't just an incredibly annoying woman?
0:03:26 > 0:03:31- Tell me they didn't put the gorilla down, or anything. - No, he was tranquillised.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35After attacking her, he went into a cafe where he caused a bit of a sensation.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38"Cappuccino. Don't look at me!"
0:03:42 > 0:03:43"What would you like, sir?"
0:03:45 > 0:03:49"Cappuccino and biscuits? Certainly, we'll bring it over.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- "No, no, it's on us." - "I'm sorry the cappuccino isn't actually in the cup
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- "but I'm not really looking properly."- That would be a nightmare.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59Because if you had those on like that, and the cappuccinos were there,
0:03:59 > 0:04:01or the cappuccinos were there,
0:04:01 > 0:04:05and the gorilla's going, "Why are you looking at the cappuccinos there?"
0:04:05 > 0:04:10The gorilla would think you were giving him the shoddy one.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- Would dark glasses not do? - They would, they would.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17To be honest with you, David, this was more or less a publicity gimmick
0:04:17 > 0:04:20by a health insurance company. It was to emphasise the fact, also,
0:04:20 > 0:04:24and they gave them out at the zoo, don't look directly into the eyes of Bokito the gorilla.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28The other option you have is, you don't have to wear these,
0:04:28 > 0:04:31just hide under a picnic table, and you'll be fine.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- I would say so, yes. - Why are they hiding under there?
0:04:33 > 0:04:36Because there's a bloody great gorilla!
0:04:38 > 0:04:40Splendid answers, all round, thank you very much.
0:04:40 > 0:04:46Palmistry won't tell you your future but it can tell you your past in the form of genetic markers
0:04:46 > 0:04:49that were set down while you were in the womb.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51There's somebody playing with me.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00- He sort of looks funny with what you're doing. - There's a piece of wire.
0:05:04 > 0:05:08- I've been goosed by the palm of a skeleton.- I've been sitting here for 10 minutes,
0:05:08 > 0:05:10thinking, "When shall I do it, when shall I do it?
0:05:12 > 0:05:15"They're talking about palms, it should be now, it should be now!"
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Yay!
0:05:20 > 0:05:22You see? It had to end...
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Oh, dear.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27- Oh, dear.- I just don't know where this goes.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29"Sorry."
0:05:30 > 0:05:33"Keith, man, me head's come off."
0:05:33 > 0:05:37- Heavens, thank you. - Carry on, carry on.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42They actually look a little bit like the Cheeky Girls.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46They do. Yes.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50There's some characters behind me, shifty looking characters.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52What were they up to last night?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55They were up all night making a picnic table.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01Before you get too insulting, they're in the studio tonight.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03I just thought I would warn you.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07- They were winning the Mr Handsome contest.- That's more like it.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Were they harming horses?
0:06:09 > 0:06:12- You know, when people harm horses, slash horses?- No!
0:06:13 > 0:06:17It was a night-time covert activity like slashing horses.
0:06:17 > 0:06:24- Slashing goats?- No, let's assume we wouldn't invite into the studio people who maimed animals.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Were they pretending to be gas men?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30And thereby sealing the property of aged people?
0:06:31 > 0:06:35No. If I told you this was in Wiltshire, would that help?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Cathedral stealing!
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Grave robbing? Grave robbing's always...
0:06:40 > 0:06:43They drew something rude on Stonehenge?
0:06:43 > 0:06:45They drew something rude on Stonehenge?
0:06:45 > 0:06:49- Crop circles!- Oh, Alan, well done! Crop circles, absolutely right.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52APPLAUSE
0:06:52 > 0:06:55There they are. The equipment needed for crop circling,
0:06:55 > 0:06:59a plank with rope, but what was the crop circle?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- We commissioned them.- A QI symbol.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04A QI crop circle, and they did it for us.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08- It's impressive, we're rather pleased with it. - Because QI's run by aliens.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11- Would you like to see it? - I certainly would. - Let's have it,
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- we went to the expense of having a travelling aerial shot.- Oh!
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- What do you think of that?- Oats!
0:07:23 > 0:07:27Extraordinary thing is, within half-an-hour of its completion and the dawn rising,
0:07:27 > 0:07:29we were contacted.
0:07:29 > 0:07:35Someone wanted to know, they said, "Is it real, or is it man-made?"
0:07:37 > 0:07:41- You know the Burns address to the haggis?- Yes, it's a poem.
0:07:41 > 0:07:46It's a poem which on Burns Night, at a Burns supper, somebody would address it.
0:07:46 > 0:07:50It comes in...that's obviously been cut open, as you can see.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Before it's cut, someone addresses it, and it starts with -
0:07:53 > 0:07:55"Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
0:07:55 > 0:07:59"Great chieftain o' the puddin' race, Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
0:07:59 > 0:08:02"Painch, tripe, or thairm. Weel are ye wordy of a grace As lang's my arm."
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Bravo!
0:08:05 > 0:08:07APPLAUSE
0:08:07 > 0:08:09But...
0:08:09 > 0:08:11There it is, being piped in.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15But there's somebody I know was doing a Burns supper abroad
0:08:15 > 0:08:21and they had sent the address over to Germany, and it was translated into German
0:08:21 > 0:08:23but the German translated it back,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26and the line instead of, "Great chieftain o' the puddin' race",
0:08:26 > 0:08:29was translated back as, "Mighty Fuhrer of the sausage people."
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Oh, that's fabulous.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42You can't fit a square peg in a round hole,
0:08:42 > 0:08:48so how would you make a square hole with a round drill?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50That's the question, can it be done?
0:08:50 > 0:08:51- BONG - Yes, Jack Dee?
0:08:51 > 0:08:55I would drill four small holes...don't laugh before it's happened.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02I might surprise you yet. I'm thinking while I talk.
0:09:02 > 0:09:08- I would drill four small holes that would describe a square. - The corners?- Corners.
0:09:08 > 0:09:13And then with a hacksaw, I would join them, and knock the square through, and thus creating a square.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16It's a way of punching a square into the surface.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20But there is actually a way of using a round drill bit.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Well, my way's better.
0:09:24 > 0:09:26That would have been brilliant if it had gone...woo-woo
0:09:26 > 0:09:28and every word you said....
0:09:28 > 0:09:29One day.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- Even the bit where you said... - Don't laugh before you hear it.
0:09:36 > 0:09:40There's a particular shape, a sort of circular triangle,
0:09:40 > 0:09:45which, when it revolves, a part of it makes a square.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- A circular triangle!?- Well...
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Oh, no, no, no, this is your first time -
0:09:50 > 0:09:53this sort of thing happens all the time on his show.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57"It's a sort of circular triangle."
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Yeah, and it makes a square.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05It's not the fact that I'm boggled by that, it's the fact that
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I now realise there's a possibility you could have
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- a Toblerone-Rolo combo.- Yes!
0:10:14 > 0:10:18- Something you've dreamt about for years. - A Roblerone.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Do you know what will freak you out completely, Ross Noble?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24The name for this form of triangle is a Reuleaux.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26It genuinely is.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29LAUGHTER
0:10:29 > 0:10:30I'm not joking...
0:10:30 > 0:10:33I think you have to have points for that,
0:10:33 > 0:10:35you somehow found a triangle that was a Rolo.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38It's called a Reuleaux triangle, and it's a very particular shape.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41We come on this show and we discover things,
0:10:41 > 0:10:45and tonight I've just discovered that the best three words to hear
0:10:45 > 0:10:48in a Geordie accent are Toblerone-Rolo combo.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Thanks, now everyone I meet's going to go,
0:10:50 > 0:10:53"Could you say Toblerone, please?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56"Go on, Geordie man, dance for us."
0:10:56 > 0:11:00You've got to form a band now, called that.
0:11:00 > 0:11:04All right, me and Cheryl Cole?
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Her, me and Jimmy Nail as a trio.
0:11:07 > 0:11:12"Ladies and gentlemen, the Toblerone-Rolo combo."
0:11:12 > 0:11:14You've got to play the trombone.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15The trombone?
0:11:15 > 0:11:17My God.
0:11:17 > 0:11:22Right, OK, do you want to see a picture of this Reuleaux triangle?
0:11:22 > 0:11:28- Is it only available in airports? - Let's roll it.
0:11:28 > 0:11:34You see, that's a sort of round-ended triangle, there it is.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37And that is the drill bit, and it is describing a square,
0:11:37 > 0:11:39if you see, exactly.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Isn't that crazy?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43How loony is that?
0:11:43 > 0:11:45You sicken me.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49I use a greasy shampoo.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51- Do you? - What do you use, Stephen?
0:11:51 > 0:11:56I use a sort of normal- to-intelligent-aristocratic hair...
0:11:57 > 0:12:01Did you not find when they stopped you taking your shampoo on holiday,
0:12:01 > 0:12:04the first three or four hours of your holiday
0:12:04 > 0:12:07you're looking around for a shampoo in Spain that suits you?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09It is a nightmare, isn't it?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11And I go, "Bloody Al Qaeda!"
0:12:11 > 0:12:15"I don't know what greasy is in Spanish."
0:12:17 > 0:12:19I've got greasy in Spanish in my dictionary,
0:12:19 > 0:12:22but I can't see it on any of the shampoo bottles,
0:12:22 > 0:12:25and I just think, "I'm on holiday here!
0:12:25 > 0:12:29"I'm trying to relax, and I'm going round finding a shampoo that works for me!"
0:12:29 > 0:12:33And that's Osama Bin Laden's fault!
0:12:33 > 0:12:35And when I catch you, you're going to pay!
0:12:35 > 0:12:37Wow.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39It really inconvenienced me.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41You've got no hair at all.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43I've got thick hair!
0:12:43 > 0:12:45- Where!?- What!?
0:12:45 > 0:12:46I've got lots of hair!
0:12:46 > 0:12:49- I've got thick hair, that's thick! - Yeah!
0:12:49 > 0:12:50I just don't grow it.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55Anyway, you're the last person to be laughing at my hair!
0:12:55 > 0:13:00He's not wandering around Spain for five days looking for greasy shampoo, you weirdo!
0:13:00 > 0:13:04You can just put your shampoo in your hold luggage, cut out the problem.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:06 > 0:13:08You can't do that.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Yes, you can.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Why have you been...?
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Because I cut and run.
0:13:13 > 0:13:19When I hit holiday, I don't stand around like some dummy,
0:13:19 > 0:13:23waiting for the carousel to bring my bag around - I cut and run!
0:13:23 > 0:13:26No, I spend five hours looking for shampoo.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29I go out there and get some shampoo.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Why are you sticking up for Al Qaeda?!
0:13:31 > 0:13:33LAUGHTER
0:13:33 > 0:13:35What's the matter with you people?!
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I'm suffering here, and you don't care, do you?
0:13:38 > 0:13:40You're turning into Michael Caine more every second.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42It's quite disturbing.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45I've got something else to give you here.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49I'm going to hand these blank £2 coins.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Just try and draw the Queen's head as she is on the coin.
0:13:52 > 0:13:56- The Queen's head on a coin? - Yeah, wearing a crown, you know, an outline.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Which way does she look?
0:14:00 > 0:14:01No-one knows.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Don't ask for help.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07Oi! Alan Davies, I'm going to take points away if you cheat.
0:14:07 > 0:14:08How do you think I got through school?
0:14:08 > 0:14:10I asked for help.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Is everyone done? Yes.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14She looks like Lenny Henry on mine, unfortunately.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17That's all right.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18OK, done.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20OK, hold them up.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21I like it.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Mine looks like a triceratops.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25And let's have a look at yours.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Extraordinary.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32The point is, you've all - especially Bill, somehow -
0:14:32 > 0:14:35you've all made the fundamental error that everybody makes,
0:14:35 > 0:14:37in thinking she faces left.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- She faces right. - KLAXON
0:14:40 > 0:14:41You said left!
0:14:41 > 0:14:42Because most people think that.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44I'm sorry, it's too late now.
0:14:44 > 0:14:4988% of people think the Queen faces left on her coins.
0:14:49 > 0:14:57- On every coin that ever was stamped since she was Queen, it's always faced the right.- Never ask for help.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01Do they take it in turns? So did her father face the other way?
0:15:01 > 0:15:02- Yes.- And Prince Charles...
0:15:02 > 0:15:06He's full-on with the ears like that.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08They've alternated since Charles II.
0:15:08 > 0:15:12But does she not face the other way on the paper money?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15- No, on the stamp.- All right.
0:15:17 > 0:15:22One theory as to why 88% of people seem to think she faces left is because she does on the definitive
0:15:22 > 0:15:27edition of the stamps, which we can see here. But on the other
0:15:27 > 0:15:31hand, that's true in Denmark - Queen Margrethe,
0:15:31 > 0:15:36they also think she faces left, but on the stamp she looks out and on the coin she looks to the right.
0:15:36 > 0:15:42If you ask a Dane which way she faces on their coins, they will say, as most of us would, left.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44It's something to do, probably, with right-handedness.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46We just picture a profile that way.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49It's really strange, cos we handle these things
0:15:49 > 0:15:54every day, unless you're Giles when you have someone to do it for you.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57It's bizarre that we just don't notice, isn't it?
0:15:57 > 0:16:04The worst I ever saw, and it was just me and I did want to help, was on a cross-Channel ferry.
0:16:04 > 0:16:10We've all been there when it's a terrible storm and everybody was being sick, really badly sick, and I
0:16:10 > 0:16:16went in to the loos and you know the doors have got those sort of ships' doors so there's a lip at the bottom?
0:16:16 > 0:16:22The entire lavatory was sick and, as the ship rolled, there was a man,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25a businessman, you know, a suit, a tie,
0:16:25 > 0:16:28respectable-looking man, lying and the sick...
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Oh!
0:16:31 > 0:16:34..would come across him, break over his head.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38I stood at the door looking at this sight and he was being sick
0:16:38 > 0:16:43and he just looks straight at me and just went,
0:16:43 > 0:16:45"Kill me."
0:16:45 > 0:16:47LAUGHTER
0:16:47 > 0:16:51And I thought, "If I had a heart, I would."
0:16:53 > 0:16:57Moving on. The point is, it isn't easy predicting what the future will look like
0:16:57 > 0:17:01beyond saying that hopefully we'll all have jet packs and smoke pipes.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Sorry, did you just say Beyonce?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Probably. I usually do.
0:17:05 > 0:17:10It isn't easy to predict what the future will look like beyond saying that hopefully we'll all be riding
0:17:10 > 0:17:17- round on jet packs and smoking pipes.- He said Beyonce! Did he not say Beyonce?
0:17:17 > 0:17:20APPLAUSE
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Where did I say Beyonce?
0:17:23 > 0:17:26"Beyond saying." Oh, golly.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Oh.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- What are you actually trying to say? - Beyond saying.- "It's difficult to
0:17:33 > 0:17:36predict what the future would be like beyond saying..." You can't say
0:17:36 > 0:17:38that without saying Beyonce.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41You can't! OK.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44OK, I'm watching, I'm listening.
0:17:44 > 0:17:49It isn't easy to predict what the future will look like beyond remarking that hopefully...
0:17:49 > 0:17:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:53 > 0:18:01You have to get up pretty early in the morning. He's got the big money in the middle there.
0:18:01 > 0:18:05Now it's time for a round of quick-fire hypotheticals.
0:18:10 > 0:18:18So, all you have to do is tell me the first thing that comes into your head, basically.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Let's say you found a fallen tree in the forest.
0:18:21 > 0:18:27Obviously, it fell down before you arrived, but did it make a sound as it fell?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Ooh, um... No.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32KLAXON BLARES
0:18:32 > 0:18:36Well, no-one's going to say yes, are they?
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Yeah, you're right. Do you know where this question comes from?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- It's a famous...- Bishop Berkeley.
0:18:42 > 0:18:48Yes. If there's no-one to hear a sound, is there a sound?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50It depends so much what you mean by sound, doesn't it?
0:18:50 > 0:18:55- Well, there isn't because sound is the vibration of the eardrum.- Is it?
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Well, it depends, though, cos part of the
0:18:58 > 0:19:01definition of sound is that there has to be a recipient for the sound.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05There's the thing that makes the noise and there's the transmission of the noise and then
0:19:05 > 0:19:08the reception of the noise. But if there's no reception, maybe the noise doesn't exist.
0:19:08 > 0:19:13Other things are still vibrating, but whether that vibration counts as a sound or not...
0:19:13 > 0:19:16The definition of sound is what happens in the ear.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20- There isn't any sound if there's no-one to hear it. - It's a mooty point.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23There's the speed of sound and it's only what happens in the ear.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27How do you get that speed between that and your ear?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29LAUGHTER
0:19:29 > 0:19:31No. I'm...
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Maybe by the time that tree's fallen and you've got there, that sound's halfway round the world
0:19:38 > 0:19:42and making someone else very nervous. "Argh!"
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Stephen, are you sure about this?
0:19:45 > 0:19:49Well, no-one is sure. That's why it's a hypothetical.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52To a semanticist or a neurologist, they may say that sound is that, but
0:19:52 > 0:19:56to a physicist, they would say the propagation of sound waves is sound.
0:19:56 > 0:20:01Whether or not there is an ear to vibrate, it is a sound wave. And if it's a sound wave...
0:20:01 > 0:20:03I disagree that they are sound waves because...
0:20:03 > 0:20:06You may disagree, but that's... You're welcome to.
0:20:08 > 0:20:13They only become a sound wave when there's an ear to receive it.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Do you remember we talked about that thing that really astonished me?
0:20:16 > 0:20:21Did you know that light's invisible? In a dark vacuum,
0:20:21 > 0:20:24if you shoot a beam of light across the eyeballs like that,
0:20:24 > 0:20:28you can't see it, because you can only see what light hits.
0:20:28 > 0:20:33But people said, "But that's a stupid answer because the definition of
0:20:33 > 0:20:35light is something that goes into your eye and is then received.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- Until it does that, it's not light. - Mmm.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40But we have all kinds of things like, not ears, for example.
0:20:40 > 0:20:46Are you saying that it's not sound if it registers on a recording device that is left there without
0:20:46 > 0:20:49a human there, that it's bending the needle of a recording device?
0:20:49 > 0:20:54Does the machine not hear? Is it not a sound wave that is actually causing the machine to register?
0:20:54 > 0:20:59- Yes, but in Bishop Berkeley... - I talked about you, not about Bishop Berkeley.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04The point is, it's not as simple as just to say yes or no.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Go on, Stephen, go on!
0:21:06 > 0:21:08You've got him! You've got him!
0:21:08 > 0:21:11APPLAUSE
0:21:11 > 0:21:14I've swam with dolphins as well and it is quite an extraordinary experience.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16SEAN: It's terrible when they reject you.
0:21:16 > 0:21:22That's horrible and all your family and all your therapists are standing on the beach
0:21:22 > 0:21:27and it's freezing cold and there's loads of dolphins just pissing off back to the sea.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30And then you look round and you go, "Hmm...
0:21:32 > 0:21:36"I suppose we'd just better carry on with the medication, then."
0:21:37 > 0:21:39No, Sean. If they rejected you...
0:21:40 > 0:21:44"I mean, at least we tried.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47"Can I have a towel?"
0:21:47 > 0:21:50There was a Frenchman who had nothing better to do than to
0:21:50 > 0:21:55electrocute people's faces, in order to make their lips turn upwards
0:21:55 > 0:21:58without their eyes moving. There we are.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04That's what he liked to do.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07- It's a job. - He's only ten years old, that boy.
0:22:09 > 0:22:14"As you can't have real sideburns, have these electric ones."
0:22:14 > 0:22:18His name was Guillaume Duchenne and he defined a true smile as having to involve the face
0:22:18 > 0:22:24and the eyes and what he discovered was that you can't control your eyes, can't make your eyes smile -
0:22:24 > 0:22:28it's involuntary - whereas you can make your lips smile. Here are some rather
0:22:28 > 0:22:32horrifying attempts to try and make people smile.
0:22:32 > 0:22:38These are all the QI researchers. Bending over backwards for the show.
0:22:38 > 0:22:39It's disturbing.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Couldn't he get a different volunteer?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Poor Barry. Day 60...
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Urgh! Day 61...
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Uragh!
0:22:50 > 0:22:57The second one from the bottom, looks like the bloke's come in from the side.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59He's been surprised, I suppose.
0:22:59 > 0:23:03No, there is actually, Andy, a third probe you can't see.
0:23:05 > 0:23:10Mr Duchenne actually gave the numbers out. 58 is, "I forgot my mother's birthday".
0:23:11 > 0:23:1461 - "Left the gas on".
0:23:14 > 0:23:18That's not "Left the gas on". That's "I've just trodden on a cat and it's died".
0:23:23 > 0:23:28The real smile is called the Duchenne Smile, and with only the mouth smiling, it's known
0:23:28 > 0:23:33- in the trade of happiness studies, gelotology, it's known as... - A Gordon Brown.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:40 > 0:23:45There have been things like yokes, you put them on your shoulders. There, look at that.
0:23:45 > 0:23:50Splendid. And it's extraordinary how much they did give you a slight advantage.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53It looks silly, but I find myself, more and more,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56as I enter my 30s now... LAUGHTER
0:23:56 > 0:23:58- ..doing that.- Yes.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01And it makes a hell of a difference. Take them away, David.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02Hello, David... Not yet.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07- Hello, David, it's lovely to see you. Now try them.- Sorry, what?
0:24:09 > 0:24:11Put them there.
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Hello, David.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17- Oh, sush!- You see. Practical proof.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21He's misunderstanding, for comic effect, but it's...true.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Hello, David, lovely to see you.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28It genuinely makes a difference.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29It sounds much better.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32That's very disorienting.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36And when you talk yourself with them, you almost fall over.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39So don't talk yourself like this. Also, you look like an idiot.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43- I feel like I'm in front of myself. - Yes.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46What's nice is it also has a nice warming effect on the ears.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50It's really a win win win win win win win, isn't it?
0:24:50 > 0:24:53I find it very comforting, and also it means you can't hear
0:24:53 > 0:24:56all the horrible things people behind me are saying.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58You have to reverse it like that.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01Shut up, shut up, shut up!
0:25:02 > 0:25:08I've just had a bizarre realisation that I know loads about hedgehogs and I don't know why.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- When did that happen? - I think it's rather nice.
0:25:11 > 0:25:16- You know those tapes that you get, when you listen to them subliminally...- During the night?
0:25:16 > 0:25:21..to learn foreign languages? I think that Chinese one was a hedgehog tape.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25It was, cos a hedgehog snuck in and swapped tapes.
0:25:25 > 0:25:31Didn't even change tapes. It just sat by the bed going, "For many years, we were feared
0:25:31 > 0:25:35and despised by the British public and then along came Beatrix Potter..."
0:25:35 > 0:25:38I'll be getting you back for the cheese.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I wouldn't call your hedgehog knowledge "loads".
0:25:44 > 0:25:48You know a couple of things, but compared to what you know about other stuff, it's loads.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52- All right, let's compare my hedgehog knowledge with your hedgehog knowledge.- OK.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56OK, Sean, here's a chance for you to pound him into the dust.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58It's a hedgehog slam down!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01What do you call a baby hedgehog?
0:26:01 > 0:26:03FOGHORN
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Tiggy-Winkle Junior.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07There is a name. Two names.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10A...hoglet.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13- Yes, it's the right answer! - In your face!
0:26:15 > 0:26:16In your face!
0:26:20 > 0:26:24Nothing like a graceful winner, is there(?) You could have said urchin.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26- They're also known as urchins. - There's saliva coming out.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33- Graham.- Come with me, Daniel Radcliffe.- Oh, I say.
0:26:33 > 0:26:40- This did seem like a good idea. So if you want to kneel down there.- Right.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43This feels very wrong, doesn't it?
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Children are watching and sobbing.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52"What's he doing?!"
0:26:53 > 0:26:57"He found Dorothy, now he's killing Harry Potter."
0:27:00 > 0:27:01- Are you all right there?- Yeah.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05Daniel, have you finished both of the Harry Potter films?
0:27:05 > 0:27:07It'll be fine, it'll be fine, it'll be fine.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11They can easily finish them without you.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14I'm so bad at this. I was about to lean through.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21- Are you all right there? Are you comfortable? - Yes, it's lovely, thank you.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Nothing can go wrong. Wouldn't it be awful?
0:27:26 > 0:27:30We had the stuff about the bullet and soon there'll be some story -
0:27:30 > 0:27:33"and then Graham got distracted by a bright light".
0:27:35 > 0:27:39Have I done it..? I think I've done it all right.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43You'll live on in films for ever.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46DRUM ROLL
0:27:46 > 0:27:48- Drum roll.- OK, here we go.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52So, three...two...
0:27:52 > 0:27:54AUDIENCE: One...
0:27:54 > 0:27:55Argh!
0:27:56 > 0:27:59On that bombshell, ladies and gentlemen...
0:28:00 > 0:28:07..it's thanks to Graham and the late Daniel Radcliffe.
0:28:07 > 0:28:08Goodnight!
0:28:27 > 0:28:30Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:30 > 0:28:33E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk