0:00:23 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:00:29 > 0:00:30Well!
0:00:30 > 0:00:32He...llo, there!
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Hello, there, hello, there, hello
0:00:34 > 0:00:36and welcome to QI,
0:00:36 > 0:00:40where tonight we'll be looking at all manner of hoaxes, hokum,
0:00:40 > 0:00:41hucksters and hogwash
0:00:41 > 0:00:44and to help or more likely hinder us,
0:00:44 > 0:00:46a veritable horde of hornswogglers.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50With ten top tips to increase your manhood, it's Sean Lock.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56And joining him,
0:00:56 > 0:01:00the esteemed president of the Bank of Nigeria, Danny Baker.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01APPLAUSE
0:01:04 > 0:01:09By his side, professor of hoaxology at the university of the internet,
0:01:09 > 0:01:11David Mitchell. APPLAUSE
0:01:14 > 0:01:17And believe it or not, Alan Davies.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19APPLAUSE
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Now, in keeping with our theme tonight,
0:01:25 > 0:01:28one of our buzzers is a hoax,
0:01:28 > 0:01:34so see if you can tell me which one of these buzzing calls is not the mating call of a deer.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Sean goes... DEEP ROARING NOISE
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Danny goes... ROARING
0:01:40 > 0:01:42David goes...
0:01:42 > 0:01:46AGONISED ROARING
0:01:49 > 0:01:50And Alan goes...
0:01:50 > 0:01:53- SCOTS ACCENT - "Hullo, dear!"
0:01:56 > 0:02:00Now, starting as we mean to go on, we've actually hidden...
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- Is it Alan's?- Yes.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06I thought it was Danny's. I was going to say Danny's, right up to my one.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Now listen, you've got hoax cards here, jokers to play,
0:02:09 > 0:02:15because, in keeping with the theme, there will be one question which is a hoax.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18You play your hoax card and you get extra points.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21If you play it and it isn't a hoax, you lose points,
0:02:21 > 0:02:26but don't have your hoax cards unspent at the end of the game.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- What happens? - Well, I'm not going to tell you.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Can we play them more than once?
0:02:32 > 0:02:36Er, you could, possibly... No.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40- Oh.- I don't think this format has been worked out in enough detail.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45- If we can play them more than once, that's crucial.- You can't.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47I was thinking of being generous but no.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49At the pilot of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire,
0:02:49 > 0:02:53did somebody go, "And if we get one wrong, that's OK, is it?" "Yeah, that's OK.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55"Oh, hang on."
0:02:55 > 0:02:57How many lives do we get?
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Can we just do it on the first question, then none of us can lose out?
0:03:00 > 0:03:04If we all do it on the first question, we all lose points
0:03:04 > 0:03:05and then it's just done.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09LAUGHTER
0:03:09 > 0:03:12I can see I've made a terrible rod for my own back here.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Well, erm, anyway, let's see what happens.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17There's some characters behind me, shifty looking characters.
0:03:17 > 0:03:20What were they up to last night?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22They were up all night making a picnic table.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Before you get too insulting, they're in the studio tonight.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30I just thought I'd warn you.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32They were winning the Mr Handsome contest.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36- That's more like it. - Were they harming horses?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39You know when people harm horses, slash horses?
0:03:39 > 0:03:43- No!- Do they slash...? - But it was a night-time covert activity, like slashing horses.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- Goats. They were slashing goats. - No. Let's...
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Let's assume we wouldn't invite into the studio people who maim animals.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Were they pretending to be gas men
0:03:53 > 0:03:57and thereby stealing the property of aged people?
0:03:59 > 0:04:02No. If I told you that this was in Wiltshire, would that help?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04Cathedral stealing.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Grave robbing. Grave robbing's always...
0:04:08 > 0:04:10They drew something rude on Stonehenge.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14- They drew something rude on Stonehenge.- Crop circles! - Oh, Alan, well done.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Crop circles. Absolutely right. APPLAUSE
0:04:19 > 0:04:21There they are.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24The equipment needed for crop circling, a plank with rope,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27but what was the crop circle we commissioned them?
0:04:27 > 0:04:31- A QI symbol.- A QI crop circle and they did it for us
0:04:31 > 0:04:34- and it's rather impressive. - QI is run by aliens.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- Would you like to see it? - I certainly would.
0:04:37 > 0:04:42Well, let's have it. We went to the expense of having a travelling aerial shot.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44MUSIC: "The Ride of the Valkyries" by Wagner.
0:04:44 > 0:04:49- What do you think of that? - It's a hoax!
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- We did!- That's real? It looks like a Led Zeppelin cover.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56Oh, you've failed, I'm afraid, it was real.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Almost within half an hour of it being completed and the dawn rising,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03we were contacted by people...
0:05:03 > 0:05:07Someone wanted to know, "Is it real or is it man-made?"
0:05:10 > 0:05:12To which the answer is... Er, both.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15I ask that about sandwiches all the time.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19But it's a rather marvellous example of a breed of phenomenon
0:05:19 > 0:05:21that has been going since when?
0:05:21 > 0:05:27- Is the farmer here tonight? - We recompensed the farmer. It doesn't actually do much damage.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30How many mice were frightened in the making of that?
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- We can't tell that.- I bet this is older than we suspect.
0:05:33 > 0:05:36- It's actually very recent. - Is it?- It is, really, yeah.
0:05:36 > 0:05:41- '80s?- Well, '70s it began and it got more and more refined.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- There was a man called... - Like Pizza Express.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45There were a couple called... Yeah.
0:05:45 > 0:05:52Doug Bower and Dave Chorley admitted that they'd been responsible for most of the crop circles.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54They used to be on the news every summer.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55There would be aerial shots
0:05:55 > 0:05:59and people called cereologists believed these were the work
0:05:59 > 0:06:01of people from outer space
0:06:01 > 0:06:04or from magnetic forces from ley lines, all kinds of nonsense.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08They'd do things like they'd do a crop circle and leave a couple of scorch marks,
0:06:08 > 0:06:13from where the engine blasts off back into space.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Where are our three here? Is that John Lundberg?
0:06:17 > 0:06:18There you are. There's John.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Can you tell me how you did yours?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24What's the most technological item you need?
0:06:24 > 0:06:28We need a stalk stomper, which is a plank of wood and a loop of rope
0:06:28 > 0:06:31that you put under your foot to flatten the crop
0:06:31 > 0:06:33and to mark out the design, you use surveyor's tape,
0:06:33 > 0:06:37so they're very simple techniques and very simple tools.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40What about your spaceship? What spaceship do you use?
0:06:40 > 0:06:44I'm saving up for one but the fee I got for this, it's going to take a while.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49So how many do you do a year in the season?
0:06:49 > 0:06:51Er, we don't say how many we make
0:06:51 > 0:06:53but we've made hundreds over the years.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57And are there still those who refuse to believe
0:06:57 > 0:06:59that it's all hoaxers like you?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Absolutely. They've been ringing your production office.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- John Lundberg, thank you very much indeed.- Thank you.
0:07:06 > 0:07:07There you are.
0:07:07 > 0:07:12Anyway, yes, far from being proof of a more intelligent life form,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15crop circles can be made using a plank of wood, some rope,
0:07:15 > 0:07:17a couple of coat hangers.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21But conversely, would you believe that they put a man on the moon?
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- Who?- NASA.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Oh. NASA. Yes, I believe so.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28- You believe that?- I believe it, yes.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Good. That's all. That's the end of the question, really.
0:07:32 > 0:07:37- But you probably know that a lot of people don't believe it. - I sort of believe one thing.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- Uh-oh!- Yeah?
0:07:39 > 0:07:44I kind of believe that they might have done some mocked-up fake photographs.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Really? Why?
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Because someone convinced me of it...
0:07:49 > 0:07:54- Yeah?- ..by talking about the angle of light and the shadows
0:07:54 > 0:07:56but then I did an advert with Patrick Moore
0:07:56 > 0:08:00and I said, "So, Patrick, did they land on the moon?" and he looked so annoyed.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04He explained how he had helped map the moon for NASA
0:08:04 > 0:08:07and the landing site was partly his idea
0:08:07 > 0:08:11and if I ever spoke to him again, he was going to be sick in my eyes.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17It... They are a rather tired of...
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Buzz Aldrin might have punched you.
0:08:19 > 0:08:25- Buzz Aldrin punched someone... - Did he?- ..because he got so tired of these conspiracy arses.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28Actually, I think it was a television documentary about...
0:08:28 > 0:08:29There have been several.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32"This photo couldn't possibly have been taken on the moon.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34"It was obviously taken in a studio."
0:08:34 > 0:08:38You've got me started now but there are a lot of conspiracies.
0:08:38 > 0:08:426% of Americans believe that man didn't land on the moon
0:08:42 > 0:08:47but 25% of Britons believe that they didn't, a quarter of our nation.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- So we're...- Not convinced, apparently.- That's so depressing.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53The flag. It's one of the things that I read.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56The flag is another thing, yes. There it is.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00Well, obviously, they've starched the flag so they could get a good photograph of it.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03They haven't stiffened it. It's rumpled.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06There's no breath of wind out there, obviously, cos you're in space,
0:09:06 > 0:09:07which is a vacuum.
0:09:07 > 0:09:13What there is is movement. If you impart movement to something, it doesn't stop for a long time.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17There's no resistance against it. So they unfurled it and it moved back and forth.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19People said, "Ah! Breeze!"
0:09:19 > 0:09:22As if, a, they would be stupid enough to fake it
0:09:22 > 0:09:26and allow the take that had the breeze in it to go out.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28But if you went to the moon,
0:09:28 > 0:09:31the least you'd expect is a flag moving a bit strangely.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32You know what I mean?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35You're expecting to meet the Soup Dragon. "OK, he's not there."
0:09:36 > 0:09:39The flag moves a bit strangely... I can go with that.
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Why isn't one of them holding up a camera?
0:09:42 > 0:09:48The one taking the picture is reflected in the visor of the other and he's not holding a camera.
0:09:48 > 0:09:54- Like that, you see.- Ah. - That's because they didn't put the camera up in front of their visor.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- They were mounted.- You couldn't imagine them getting a camera out.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Click, winding it on with gloves...
0:10:02 > 0:10:06- I'd like to go to the moon. - Would you?- I'd love to do that.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10Two of other things, in case people are saying, "You haven't mentioned the clincher."
0:10:10 > 0:10:15One was the idea that below the lunar module that landed
0:10:15 > 0:10:19there was no crater or sense of disturbed dust.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22The fact is, the engines cut off and it hovered down
0:10:22 > 0:10:24and it very quickly landed.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25And unlike in science fiction films,
0:10:25 > 0:10:29it doesn't send out spears of flame as it descends.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30That just didn't happen.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34And, of course, it was designed by geniuses
0:10:34 > 0:10:39and not people tapping away at the internet who've got to go to work in the morning. Who do you trust?
0:10:39 > 0:10:41We are in trouble as a species
0:10:41 > 0:10:45if people refuse to believe in things they couldn't actually do themselves.
0:10:45 > 0:10:49So true! That's so true. The other one was the footprints.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52"There's too much moisture because look how clear they are,
0:10:52 > 0:10:54"only caked mud could do that."
0:10:54 > 0:10:57But you can do that with flour. It's very fine ground
0:10:57 > 0:11:00and it's a vacuum again, it coheres.
0:11:00 > 0:11:06And the other thing with the mirrors, that Apollo 12 astronauts put on the moon,
0:11:06 > 0:11:08which are now used for bouncing lasers off
0:11:08 > 0:11:11for detecting, for example, how far the moon is away from us.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15You can make incredibly accurate measurements
0:11:15 > 0:11:17because of mirrors on the surface of the moon.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Perhaps for me the clinching one is that America's enemy at the time
0:11:21 > 0:11:23in the space race was the Soviet Union
0:11:23 > 0:11:27and not once did they suggest that America hadn't done it.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29- They never said, "No, we know this was hoax."- Yeah.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32The fact is, for every ill-conceived argument
0:11:32 > 0:11:36that the moon landings were a hoax, there's an explanation to put our minds at rest.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Now for something closer to home.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42How would you make your house the most famous house in Britain?
0:11:43 > 0:11:44- That's easy.- Yeah?
0:11:44 > 0:11:48You murder lots and lots of people, dismember them
0:11:48 > 0:11:50and bury them in the garden.
0:11:50 > 0:11:55- That...- Marry the Queen.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58- You marry the Queen...- Yes?
0:11:58 > 0:12:02..and you say, "No, love, you're not living in those palaces any more."
0:12:02 > 0:12:05You're living in 3 Ironside Crescent, Carlisle.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08OK. Those would work. Those would work.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Some sort of spectacular suicide?
0:12:12 > 0:12:17- Mmm...- I suppose the murdering people would work better. I was trying to make it sad.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21- But this is...- Balloons. You tie loads of balloons and your house goes...
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Oh, that would be sweet.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25This was a bet that took place in 1810
0:12:25 > 0:12:28between Samuel Beasley and Theodore Hook,
0:12:28 > 0:12:34that Hook could make any house he chose the most famous residence in London
0:12:34 > 0:12:35in one week.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37He had a week in which to do it.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39He prepared over the week
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- but it all happened in one day. - I've heard of this.- Yeah?
0:12:42 > 0:12:46He started ordering goods, all kinds of different goods.
0:12:46 > 0:12:494,000 different tradesmen and services
0:12:49 > 0:12:52in all the commercial directories all over London.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54He ordered chimney sweeps.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57First thing in the morning, there were 12 chimney sweeps arriving.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00And then more and more and more and more arrived.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02It became absolutely gigantic.
0:13:02 > 0:13:0612 coal carts, there were cake makers, doctors, apothecaries, surgeons, lawyers,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- priests... - We've all done this, haven't we?
0:13:09 > 0:13:12..hat makers, haberdashers, boot makers, butcher's boys,
0:13:12 > 0:13:13a dozen pianos arrived.
0:13:13 > 0:13:18The governor of the Bank of England turned up to what the fuss was about.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21It was in Berners Street, just north of Oxford Street,
0:13:21 > 0:13:23and er... There it is.
0:13:23 > 0:13:28- That sign doesn't fit that bit of wall.- It doesn't really.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31I suppose if they put it the way it would,
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- you'd have to read it in portrait... - It's back to the drawing board.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38- They've got that all wrong.- Or just chill out about the whole thing.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- You'd have folded it round, mate. - Yeah, right.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44HE CHUCKLES
0:13:44 > 0:13:47- So it's like going on the internet and ordering the lot?- Yes.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- I'll have everything.- Exactly.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53And the poor woman, whose name was Mrs Tottenham, was besieged.
0:13:53 > 0:14:01- So he didn't live there?- No! He chose... He just chose this house. That was the point of the bet.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03"I can make that house, 54 Berners Street,
0:14:03 > 0:14:05"the most famous house in London."
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Theodore Hook bet a man called Beasley
0:14:07 > 0:14:11that he could make 54 Berners Street the most famous house in London.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15What conclusion did the great biologist Stephen Jay Gould draw
0:14:15 > 0:14:17from a lifetime's study of fish?
0:14:17 > 0:14:20- Oh.- Yeah?- They haven't got any legs.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26Is that his lifetime's study?
0:14:26 > 0:14:30- No. It wasn't a study of- a- fish.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32- He was...- "After a while, they smell."
0:14:33 > 0:14:37He was a bit thick and he just stared at them and went, "They haven't got any legs."
0:14:37 > 0:14:42Starfish don't have brains. It's the Louis Walsh of the aquatic world.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45They don't have brains, starfish.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47And they're not really fish, to be honest.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51The word fish is in there, which qualifies them, I think.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53Is a starfish a fish? Is a jellyfish a fish?
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Is a cuttlefish a fish?
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- Is a seahorse a horse? - But the starfish...
0:14:58 > 0:15:00There's a division, isn't there, in the world
0:15:00 > 0:15:04whether it should be down to experts in biology whether things are fish
0:15:04 > 0:15:07or whether it should be down to menus.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11- Yes!- For example, a crayfish comes under fish on a menu...
0:15:11 > 0:15:15He looks like he's reading the sell-by date on that fish.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- The small print. Is that him? - Yes, he's dead now.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22He won the Nobel Prize, he was a palaeontologist and a biologist
0:15:22 > 0:15:26- and he came to the conclusion, which is?- They can feel no love. - No, that they...
0:15:26 > 0:15:29That there is no such thing as a fish.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Fish has no biological meaning.
0:15:32 > 0:15:36- There is just...- So I'm absolutely right. Go with menus.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40But on a menu a fish is not the same as shellfish or seafood, is it?
0:15:40 > 0:15:43It often comes in the same bit and separate from puddings.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47- Things that live in the sea. - Fish and pudding are different.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49How can something not be something?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Something can't be not be not something.
0:15:52 > 0:15:56If you've created a something, then something has to be that something
0:15:56 > 0:15:59otherwise you haven't created a something,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02so it has to be a fish if there is the idea of fish in the first place.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06I swear there's a philosophy lecturer somewhere who said...
0:16:06 > 0:16:10That's an ontological argument. Of course, we use the word fish.
0:16:10 > 0:16:16But biologically speaking, a salmon is more related to, say, a camel
0:16:16 > 0:16:18than it is to a hagfish.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Like, there are lots of things that fly.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24A bumblebee flies, a vulture flies and there are flying lizards.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26They're not all birds
0:16:26 > 0:16:29but we call things that swim in the sea fish
0:16:29 > 0:16:32and actually, biologically, evolutionarily,
0:16:32 > 0:16:35they have absolutely nothing to do with each other at all.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37So after a lifetime's study of fish,
0:16:37 > 0:16:41biologist Stephen Jay Gould concluded there was no such thing as a fish.
0:16:41 > 0:16:44What did Nostradamus get right?
0:16:44 > 0:16:46The hat. The hat. He got the hat right. The hat's good.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51The big, big mistake - the green coat with the brown hat.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53It's crazy. The hat looks cool.
0:16:53 > 0:16:59- Who is he?- Have you not heard of Nostradamus?- I've heard of him. I've no idea where he lived.
0:16:59 > 0:17:04His name was Michel de Nostredame. He lived from 1503 to 1566.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06He was a Provencal apothecary
0:17:06 > 0:17:11and he did many things, including writing hundreds of quatrains,
0:17:11 > 0:17:13these four-line verses.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Were they deliberately obtuse?
0:17:14 > 0:17:16I'm aware there'll be headlines on it
0:17:16 > 0:17:18but why were they so obscure?
0:17:18 > 0:17:21He was a mystic and I suppose he... Who knows? He got drugged up
0:17:21 > 0:17:25and he just wrote down a four-line verse of whatever he saw.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27- He was a chemist.- An apothecary.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- He had access to all kinds of crazy hooch.- Exactly.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33- So he published a book of, essentially, gibberish.- Yes.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- And a lot of idiots... - Because even the people now
0:17:37 > 0:17:40who said, "That predicts Hitler or that predicts 9/11,"
0:17:40 > 0:17:44would think, if you bought that in 1530,
0:17:44 > 0:17:46that's not good value for money
0:17:46 > 0:17:50because all the things it's predicting won't happen for ages
0:17:50 > 0:17:53and so what it is, then, is nonsense.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57In fact, it's only use is to predict something just after it's happened.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Yes, because then people go, "Wow."
0:17:59 > 0:18:03But one thing he did do that is genuine and this is the question,
0:18:03 > 0:18:05is he did a fantastic recipe for cherry jam.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10He read all the books and one of the books he read was about jams.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13And his cherry jam recipe, we are assured today,
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- is still as good as it ever was. - Really?
0:18:16 > 0:18:20That is the thing Nostradamus did that is provably, demonstrably and repeatedly true.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22He also made aphrodisiac jams
0:18:22 > 0:18:25made of sparrows' brains and all that sort of thing.
0:18:25 > 0:18:29- But generally speaking his cherry jam...- Was a triumph. - It's something he got right.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Anyway, yes, when Nostradamus wasn't predicting stuff,
0:18:32 > 0:18:36he was busy compiling a rather excellent collection of jam recipes.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40- Now?- Who's the most famous person to have been beaten... Hello?
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Do you think that's a massive hoax?
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Yeah. Hoax.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47JINGLE PLAYS Oh! You're wrong.
0:18:47 > 0:18:48Oh.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Davies, you idiot!
0:18:52 > 0:18:54That was entirely true.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55Oh, well.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58It was too late, the question had finished.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00No! No, no, no.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02- It was too late.- You stopped me.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06So who was the most famous person to be beaten by a machine at chess?
0:19:06 > 0:19:10- You get double points if you can name the machine.- Me.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- Are you the most famous person? - Yeah, I got beaten by a Hoover.
0:19:15 > 0:19:16- Is that right?- Yes.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Somebody left it on and it moved the pieces around and it still beat me.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22That's how bad I am at chess.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28The key thing in the question is not most famous chess grand master.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32- It could be Marilyn Monroe or... - It's not a famous chess player?
0:19:32 > 0:19:34No. Very well worked out.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35- There is...- The Queen.
0:19:35 > 0:19:40- Garry Kasparov, the great grand master...- He lost to...- Deep Blue.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- But that wasn't...- The Queen is the most famous person in the world.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Did she lose to a ZX80?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48This was someone who was more famous than the Queen in his day
0:19:48 > 0:19:50and was bigger than the Queen, as it were.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Had a higher rank than queen.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Jesus.
0:19:55 > 0:19:56Jesus...
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Jesus isn't really a rank.
0:19:58 > 0:20:00He's famous, though, Jesus.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02- It's a rank.- "I am Jesus."
0:20:02 > 0:20:05- "I outrank you!"- He's more famous than the Queen, though.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- Yes, that's true. - You can't handle the truth.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Jesus plays chess sounds like an indie band
0:20:12 > 0:20:14or it will be.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17- Napoleon. - Napoleon is the right answer.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Do you know what the machine might have been?
0:20:20 > 0:20:25- Was it some sort of clever wind-up automaton?- It was an automaton
0:20:25 > 0:20:26and it was unbelievably clever.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28It was called the Mechanical Turk
0:20:28 > 0:20:31and the Turk was made of machinery
0:20:31 > 0:20:36and you would open the doors, rather like a magician, showing it was empty,
0:20:36 > 0:20:40though in fact, there would be a man inside who was a chess master.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44He would manipulate the machinery to make the Turk pick up and move the pieces.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48So it was a genuinely astonishing piece of machinery
0:20:48 > 0:20:51that unfortunately burned in a fire in 1854.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Napoleon rather fancied himself at chess
0:20:53 > 0:20:57and of course, being Emperor, I daresay nobody ever dared beat him,
0:20:57 > 0:21:01so he was extremely annoyed to be beaten in 19 moves
0:21:01 > 0:21:02by this machine.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05So, yeah. And many others were beaten, you might like to know.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Benjamin Franklin, who was in Paris at the time
0:21:08 > 0:21:11as ambassador for the newly formed United States.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13What was the deal with it?
0:21:13 > 0:21:16- They were unaware that there was a grand master inside?- Yeah.- OK.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20They thought it was a machine. Charles Babbage was beaten by it.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24He's the father of computing. He invented the difference engine.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Maybe if he'd known there was a man inside,
0:21:26 > 0:21:30- he would never have invented the difference engine.- Exactly.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33But it was the sensation of the age, a remarkable thing.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34The Mechanical Turk.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38A manned automaton that beat Napoleon at chess, amongst other people.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41But enough hoaxes. It's time for some general ignorance.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43So, fingers on buzzers, if you please.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46How can you tell if someone is lying?
0:21:46 > 0:21:47"Hello, dear!"
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Sweaty palms, their pulse starts racing,
0:21:52 > 0:21:55their heartbeat goes faster, their sphincter...
0:21:55 > 0:21:58If they clench up their sphincter...
0:21:58 > 0:22:02Let's suppose you haven't got a finger on their sphincter... DEER BELLOWING
0:22:02 > 0:22:04..and you aren't holding their hand. Yeah?
0:22:04 > 0:22:06- What they've said turns out not to be true.- Yeah.
0:22:09 > 0:22:10APPLAUSE
0:22:10 > 0:22:12Yay!
0:22:13 > 0:22:15- Hello! - "Hullo, dear!"
0:22:16 > 0:22:18They work for an estate agent's.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20APPLAUSE
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Oh! Is there a bitterness behind that?
0:22:24 > 0:22:26No, it's just an observation.
0:22:26 > 0:22:32- Is it something physical? - It is but not tactile. You can't touch them.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Is it the thing, and I fear claxons,
0:22:34 > 0:22:38but is it something about whether when they're just about to think about it,
0:22:38 > 0:22:40they look up left instead of up right
0:22:40 > 0:22:43or up right instead of up left or something like...?
0:22:43 > 0:22:44CLAXONS HOWL
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- Yes! You were right to fear claxons. - Yeah, I was.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51- I think I know what it is.- Embrace the claxon.- I'm trying to.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54As they're about to deliver the crucial detail, they go,
0:22:54 > 0:22:58"Yeah, well, it's about, ooh, er..."
0:22:58 > 0:23:00"l-l-l-l...
0:23:00 > 0:23:03"Let me... T-t-t-t-t-t-t...
0:23:04 > 0:23:06"About ten. About ten, I reckon. I mean..."
0:23:06 > 0:23:10Sean, you are more right than David by a long way.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13The point is it's very hard to see if someone's lying.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16There's nothing in the body language or the face or the eyes,
0:23:16 > 0:23:20nothing in the nose touches, the things that people think are to do with it.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22It's all to do with how they're speaking.
0:23:22 > 0:23:28- Is this why it's easier to tell if someone's lying on the phone than face to face?- Exactly so.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30They tested over 20,000 subjects,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33showing them videos of people telling the truth and lying.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36They found that people performed no better than chance.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38Not only that, so-called experts -
0:23:38 > 0:23:42polygraph operators, police investigators, judges and psychiatrists,
0:23:42 > 0:23:44returned the same result.
0:23:44 > 0:23:48But if you do it just on sound alone, people are much more accurate.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51About 73% accuracy listening to lies.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53So the thing to do is shut your eyes.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57- Is that man going to shoot him? - It's a very early polygraph.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01- It does look rather bizarre, doesn't it?- Right. "Name?" "John."
0:24:01 > 0:24:02"Wrong." Boom.
0:24:03 > 0:24:08Presumably that means it's easier to dupe the deaf than the blind.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12- Which isn't what you'd think. - No, it isn't. That's true.
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Having said all that I've said, Dr Ekman, a leading researcher, claims
0:24:16 > 0:24:20that 50 out of 20,000 people do have a natural ability to detect lies
0:24:20 > 0:24:22by actually looking at expressions.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24It is very, very few people.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26He named them the truth wizards
0:24:26 > 0:24:30and they're able to read micro-expressions that last milliseconds
0:24:30 > 0:24:31in ways that others aren't.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32So, there you are.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35Most people can't tell if you're lying
0:24:35 > 0:24:38but they'll have a better chance if they focus on your speech.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41What's the one thing you know for sure about oranges?
0:24:41 > 0:24:43- They're orange.- They're orange?
0:24:43 > 0:24:47CLAXONS GO OFF Oh! That's the problem.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51There are red ones and most of them aren't orange, in fact.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55I know. Supermarkets tend to use a gas to de-green, as they call it,
0:24:55 > 0:24:58to take the chlorophyll out,
0:24:58 > 0:25:01because we shoppers prefer to see an orange skin.
0:25:01 > 0:25:06In warm countries, oranges are actually green.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09And there you can see how green they are.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13Do you know where the word comes from or what the original word was?
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- It's naranja.- Naranja. That's the Spanish for orange.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18The original naranja is Sanskrit
0:25:18 > 0:25:21and what happened, as words do, it loses the N.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24So you get an orange, a "norange",
0:25:24 > 0:25:27and we think, "Oh, that 'a norange' must be 'an orange',"
0:25:27 > 0:25:31but in fact it was a norange, like a nadder was a snake.
0:25:31 > 0:25:36The French say "orange", don't they? It should be called a nanorange.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38- Just a norange would do.- A norange?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41- Norange juice.- Norange juice, yeah.
0:25:41 > 0:25:42That'll do it. Well done.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Should an apple be called a napple?
0:25:44 > 0:25:47No, it doesn't work with apple.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49There must be... A napron, for example.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52- A nau pair.- No, that's just silly.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54But er...
0:25:54 > 0:25:59It works with a nadder. That's now become an adder but is was originally "a nadre."
0:25:59 > 0:26:00An adder. Right.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03And an ick name.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Your ick name, nickname, it became a nickname
0:26:06 > 0:26:08but it was originally an ick name.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11- What's an ick...? - It became a nickname.- Right.
0:26:11 > 0:26:16A nickname is a name you give someone that isn't their real name, Sean.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- What was it called before?- Ick name.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22What does that mean, an ick name? Where does that come from?
0:26:23 > 0:26:27- That's not a fruit.- No! Arrgh!
0:26:27 > 0:26:28APPLAUSE
0:26:29 > 0:26:31Oh, man.
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Heaven help us all.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Oranges are not necessarily orange
0:26:35 > 0:26:38and there's a good case for saying that they started as greens.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40What do swimming pools smell of?
0:26:40 > 0:26:42- Hmm.- Children.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Probably true.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49- The answer I suspect you're looking for...- "Hello, dear!"
0:26:49 > 0:26:50..is chlorine.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52CLAXON SOUNDS Ow!
0:26:52 > 0:26:54I bet they don't even put chlorine in them.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56You don't smell the chlorine.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59In fact, if there is that smell that we don't like,
0:26:59 > 0:27:01the way to get rid of it is to add chlorine.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04- Chlorine reacting with urine.- Yeah.
0:27:04 > 0:27:09Chloramines are formed by sweat and urine and faecal matter
0:27:09 > 0:27:12and lots of other horrible things in swimming pools added to chlorine.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14To get rid of them, add chlorine.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17So before I make up your scores,
0:27:17 > 0:27:21I should tell you that not one of you managed to identify the hoax
0:27:21 > 0:27:23because the idea of the hoax was itself a hoax.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26There was no hoax. GROANING
0:27:26 > 0:27:28APPLAUSE
0:27:32 > 0:27:37This... This is an outrage. This is like the end of Lost.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39It's endearing how much it matters to them.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42So everything you heard was as true as trousers.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44So the winner tonight...
0:27:44 > 0:27:45Wow! A-ha!
0:27:45 > 0:27:49The winner tonight with an impressive minus one is Sean Lock.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52- APPLAUSE - Oh, I won?- You won.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56- And...- You won this discredited show.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00..second with an improbable minus 13, is David Mitchell.
0:28:00 > 0:28:01APPLAUSE
0:28:04 > 0:28:06- Yeah!- Yeah!
0:28:06 > 0:28:10Third with a pretty good minus 14, Danny Baker.
0:28:10 > 0:28:11APPLAUSE
0:28:12 > 0:28:16And last with a surprisingly convincing minus 38, Alan Davies.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19- Thank you very much. - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:26 > 0:28:30Thanks to David, Danny, Sean and Alan. I leave you with an observation from Will Rogers.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Thank you and goodnight. APPLAUSE
0:28:55 > 0:28:57Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:57 > 0:28:59Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk