0:00:22 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE
0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:35Well, hello, hello, hello,
0:00:35 > 0:00:41hello and welcome to QI where tonight we plot the whole history
0:00:41 > 0:00:44of humanity with four prime specimens of the human race -
0:00:44 > 0:00:46the highly evolved Jo Brand...
0:00:46 > 0:00:49APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:55..the ho-ho-homo erectus Jimmy Carr...
0:00:55 > 0:00:58APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:03..the creature from the black gloom, Jack Dee...
0:01:03 > 0:01:05APPLAUSE
0:01:08 > 0:01:11..and the HOME OWNER Alan Davies.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14APPLAUSE
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Let's see what your buzzers have evolved in to. Jo goes...
0:01:21 > 0:01:24BUBBLING AND CROAKING
0:01:24 > 0:01:26I really do go like that.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29We recorded you when you weren't looking. Jimmy goes...
0:01:29 > 0:01:33ROARING AND CHIRPING
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Well, pardon me.
0:01:34 > 0:01:35Jack goes...
0:01:35 > 0:01:39MONKEYS SCREAM
0:01:40 > 0:01:46- And Alan goes... - FOOTBALL CHANTING
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Evolved backwards into an Arsenal supporter.
0:01:49 > 0:01:52Let's start with this, describe the perfect man.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55BUBBLING AND CROAKING
0:01:55 > 0:01:56A dead one.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Oh! Jo Brand!
0:02:02 > 0:02:07- There we have three specimens there. - Are you fishing for compliments?
0:02:07 > 0:02:11Can I just say that one in the middle is bloody gorgeous!
0:02:12 > 0:02:16- Is that my husband? I do believe it is!- Really?!
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Perfect as in the physical specimen?
0:02:19 > 0:02:22A sort of physical specimen.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Can you see from that that there is no such thing as being big-boned?
0:02:25 > 0:02:33They all have the same structure and they've never found a fat skeleton.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35I'm afraid that's true.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Actually, steering you slightly awry here,
0:02:39 > 0:02:44humans are homo sapiens, sapiens is a species of animal
0:02:44 > 0:02:51and every species of animal has a definitive version called a holotype
0:02:51 > 0:02:57by which all others are judged so where is the human being
0:02:57 > 0:03:00which a standard example of a human being?
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Is he standard or perfect, cos there is a difference?
0:03:03 > 0:03:09- There is.- I don't mind being perfect, but to just be average...
0:03:09 > 0:03:15The honour should go to the first person who described humanity in terms of its animal origins.
0:03:15 > 0:03:21- Darwin.- Not Darwin, before Darwin. Who came up with the phrase homo sapiens?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23- Was it Henry VIII?- No.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26Good effort.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30It was a Swede who gave everything classification.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Do you know who this Swede was?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34- Ulrika Jonsson?- Not Ulrika Jonsson.
0:03:34 > 0:03:37It must be the other one, Sven-Goran Eriksson.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39- The other one?!- It was ABBA.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Poor Sweden. I apologise.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46He was called Carl Linnaeus. You DID know that.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48The Linnaeic system of naming things.
0:03:48 > 0:03:54It was felt that the honour should go to him. Then an American paleontologist volunteered.
0:03:54 > 0:04:00He was called Edward Drinker Cope and he left in his will that he wanted to be the holotype.
0:04:00 > 0:04:05They got his skeleton and he was going to be the type,
0:04:05 > 0:04:10but unfortunately, he had syphilis and it was present in the skeletal structure.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11How embarrassing!
0:04:11 > 0:04:14JIMMY: They don't put that on the little leaflet at the doctor's.
0:04:14 > 0:04:19Essentially, there is none. There is no perfect human.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21The position is vacant?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24They've suggested Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bob Hope, Raquel Welch.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26I think she'd be distracting for the scientists.
0:04:26 > 0:04:32She might, but it is a vacant position.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36But... Mmmmm... Why am I making that noise?
0:04:37 > 0:04:41- Who's that?- Jesus.- With legs out. - Oh, Leonardo Da Vinci's...
0:04:41 > 0:04:45- Do you know what he's called?- No... - Vitruvian Man.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47- Oh, the guy...- That one.
0:04:47 > 0:04:52He's done too many arms and legs. He's a bloody fool.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56- Are you the same width as height? - It's showing proportions.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59In one, the man is spread-eagled and is fitting a circle.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02In the second one, he's fitting a square.
0:05:02 > 0:05:07When we fit a circle like that, the absolute centre of the circle is the navel,
0:05:07 > 0:05:11but when we fit a square, the centre is the...ahem!
0:05:11 > 0:05:15- Genitalia?- The genit - as you rightly say - alia.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18The tummy banana is the term.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22Or it is in our house.
0:05:22 > 0:05:26- Who was Vitruvius? Why is he called Vitruvian Man?- Is that not him?
0:05:26 > 0:05:31He was a Roman architect who wrote about man's dimensions
0:05:31 > 0:05:35being the criteria by which you should design architecture.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39It goes like this. Your height is equal to the span of your arms.
0:05:39 > 0:05:41What I want to know
0:05:41 > 0:05:43is what is the bloke behind doing that's...
0:05:45 > 0:05:46They never tell you.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49..that's made him open his legs like that.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53The proportions are correct. You head is an eighth of your body height.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Your head's about a quarter of your body height.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- Is it?!- Yeah, cos your brain's so massive...
0:05:59 > 0:06:02APPLAUSE
0:06:04 > 0:06:10The width of your shoulders is equal to the distance from the elbow to the tip of the fingers.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13It's the same as your shoulder span. A lot of proportion going on.
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Where would you see this mostly if you were in Italy?
0:06:17 > 0:06:22- The internet.- There are millions of them all over Italy. Why is that?
0:06:22 > 0:06:24- Beer mats.- Not beer mats.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29I didn't mean that as a joke. It was a guess.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33It's the one-euro coin, it has this on the obverse. He was so gifted,
0:06:33 > 0:06:38that when he was a boy, he was an apprentice to a master painter
0:06:38 > 0:06:44and typical in those days, there was a huge fresco that the pope had commissioned
0:06:44 > 0:06:47and Leonardo was told to do one of the angels
0:06:47 > 0:06:52and went and did the angel and the master came and looked at it
0:06:52 > 0:06:56and broke his own brushes and walked out and never painted again.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58Some people are just peevish.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08People call him Leonardo and Da Vinci is just the place came from.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Name a painter who only used their first name.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Leonardo Da Streatham.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- Hmm, yes.- Rolf of Australia.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21APPLAUSE
0:07:21 > 0:07:22That is true.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Michelangelo. His surname was Buonaroti, but he was known as Michelangelo.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31Raphael, we call by his first name.
0:07:31 > 0:07:36It's like cooks - Delia, Nigella, Jamie.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- Jamie Da Essex.- That's the one.
0:07:39 > 0:07:44If you think you're the perfect man, there may be a job for you in a museum somewhere.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46As long as you don't have syphilis.
0:07:46 > 0:07:51On you're way there, how would you spot a Neanderthal if you saw one on the bus?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53MONKEYS SCREAM
0:07:53 > 0:07:57He'd be the one who sits next to me.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Nearly always.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03BUBBLING AND CROAKING
0:08:03 > 0:08:06He's the one already sitting next to me cos I'm married to him.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Is this going to be the humiliate my husband show?
0:08:09 > 0:08:11- He doesn't watch this.- Fine.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15He doesn't really understand it.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Is he the one looking at the wheels, going, "What the hell...?"
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Have they got the lump in their forehead or is that the Cro-Magnon?
0:08:21 > 0:08:27The point is we'd be hard pushed to tell the difference.
0:08:27 > 0:08:33- Admittedly, it's an unusual... - That's our producer.
0:08:33 > 0:08:38If we shaved and dressed our producer one day,
0:08:38 > 0:08:42and popped HER on a bus...
0:08:46 > 0:08:52- ..she might look like a normal person.- So far, we haven't. - We've not managed that.
0:08:54 > 0:08:55Is that a model?
0:08:55 > 0:08:57That's a model of how they might look.
0:08:57 > 0:09:02We think of them as stupid, but they had religious rites, buried their dead, made ornaments.
0:09:02 > 0:09:09At one point we were one species that diverged and these two branches of humanity lived in Europe.
0:09:09 > 0:09:14In fact, Neanderthals lived in Europe for four times longer than we ever have.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17They had a long period of living there.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- Did we cross over? - We did and no-one quite knows
0:09:20 > 0:09:23why they went extinct, whether we bullied them, outsmarted them.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26They were stronger than us.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- We invented the bus. - We did invent the bus.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33They didn't invent the bus. You can't give them that one.
0:09:33 > 0:09:39About 1-4% of our DNA is Neanderthal so we cross-bred.
0:09:39 > 0:09:45So were there ever homo sapiens who married Neanderthals?
0:09:45 > 0:09:46- Well...- Imagine a wedding like that.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50That's going to be a punch-up in a car park.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52Go to Basildon any Saturday night.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56I'm glad you said that. I just want to tour again one day.
0:09:56 > 0:09:59Says a resident of Norfolk!
0:09:59 > 0:10:04Yes, there was interbreeding. There are many theories.
0:10:04 > 0:10:09Some think that we kept Neanderthal girls as sex slaves.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Possibly it's the other way round as they were stronger than us.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16There was a lot of interbreeding, but for some reason, they died out.
0:10:16 > 0:10:22Probably the first genocide, first of many that we've proudly executed over the century.
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Maybe we teased them to death.
0:10:23 > 0:10:28- They couldn't take it anymore. - Neanderthal!
0:10:28 > 0:10:34Little bit simple. Oh, I can run fast, very good(!)
0:10:34 > 0:10:38- Why are they called Neandarthal? - Is it an anagram?
0:10:39 > 0:10:40Probably is.
0:10:40 > 0:10:46- Anagram of LEATHER DANT. - LEATHER DANT.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50- That's a period in time, isn't it? - No, it isn't. It's a valley
0:10:50 > 0:10:54near Dusseldorf, in Germany where they were found.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Can you name other species...?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59I like the idea of having another species of human
0:10:59 > 0:11:02who is just a little bit stupid, but friendly
0:11:02 > 0:11:07- and lived with us and were happy to do all the jobs for us. - It's Brave New World,
0:11:07 > 0:11:08isn't it? The Gammas.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11I like the idea. I'm not a nutter.
0:11:11 > 0:11:17- Who wouldn't mind. They'd be simple and...- And could be your sex slave.
0:11:17 > 0:11:22- Can we go back to the picture of the man that looks like a gnome?- Oh, yes.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24The producer.
0:11:24 > 0:11:29I don't fancy that as a sex slave. I'm not being overly fussy.
0:11:31 > 0:11:36Bear in mind, this is before the invention of electric light. It was gloomy.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- It's cold.- You'd be in a cave. It's cold.
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Have a few beers, you'd be fine.
0:11:43 > 0:11:49He looks like quite a friendly bloke for a Neanderthal.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Definitely.
0:11:51 > 0:11:56If you gave him - and when I say "him", I mean a Neanderthal man - a tracksuit and a haircut,
0:11:56 > 0:11:58he would attract no more attention
0:11:58 > 0:12:00than any of the other nutters on the bus.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04- Which bit of you is evolving the quickest? - BUBBLING AND CROAKING
0:12:04 > 0:12:06- Is it my propeller? - LAUGHTER
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- What?- You have a propeller?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- What did you say? Revolving? - No, EVOLVING!
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Wouldn't it be brilliant, though?
0:12:21 > 0:12:24- If you had a propeller?- If we had a propeller.- It would be, rather.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Do you think there's any animals that have got propellers?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30There's a thing that lives in the sea that has a propeller mechanism.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- It was used as the...- Is that a boat? - LAUGHTER
0:12:36 > 0:12:39A hippo's tail - it's slightly less savoury -
0:12:39 > 0:12:43the hippo uses its tail and it revolves it to spread its faeces
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- in as wide a way as possible... - That's what I do in swimming pools.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51- And what do you revolve to help that happen?!- Just anything.
0:12:54 > 0:12:59- Always so embarrassing when it happens.- Well, it does it to mark out more territory...
0:12:59 > 0:13:01I suppose I shouldn't do it from the top board.
0:13:02 > 0:13:03Nice(!)
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- What was the question, again? - About evolving.- Yes.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10I always thought... Whenever they mention on the news, "Scottish devolution",
0:13:10 > 0:13:17- I think that sounds like they're losing their opposable thumbs. - De-evolving.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- Are we halting evolution? - There's no evidence that we are.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24But would it be our stomachs that have evolved the quickest?
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Because our diet has changed massively in the last 2,000 years.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30You're right. It seems, though, that the part of the body
0:13:30 > 0:13:35that has changed most recently in the last 10,000 years is the nose.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38We're not quite sure why.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Are you going to tell us that more highly evolved people have got
0:13:41 > 0:13:45- slightly bent-to-one-side noses? - Yes, there is that element...
0:13:45 > 0:13:48The most highly evolved people have got THREE noses.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50By the look of you. Yeah,
0:13:50 > 0:13:53there is a widespread assumption that we've CEASED evolving -
0:13:53 > 0:13:57I don't think it's true, but of course, it does take SO long.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Like what I was saying about Neanderthal man
0:13:59 > 0:14:02having lived in Europe for four times longer that we have.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04You say that we never notice it,
0:14:04 > 0:14:08- but people are getting taller by generation.- Yes.
0:14:08 > 0:14:09That's a nutritional thing.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13It is, and you can see it in the Japanese who only ate fish and things -
0:14:13 > 0:14:17the moment they started eating beef again, the Japanese, in a generation and a half...
0:14:17 > 0:14:21- Uh-oh. Watch out for them. They'll be back.- ..got a lot taller.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23LAUGHTER
0:14:25 > 0:14:30So, it seems that our noses are evolving quicker than any other part of our body.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32So, describe the effects of hero syndrome.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38A psychological disorder where you put your trousers on before your pants?
0:14:38 > 0:14:42It is a psychological disorder, a very good description of it.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Is it where you THINK you're a hero?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48- Kind of...- Is it anything to do with Hero the person in mythology?
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Oh, as in Hero and Leander? No.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Oh, I thought I sounded really intelligent then.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55- You did!- You think you're a hero, you behave like a hero...?
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Yes, it's worse than that, it's really pretty sick...
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- Do you make something terrible happen so you can look like a hero?- Exactly.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06- So you set a building on fire then rescue everyone?- Especially fire,
0:15:06 > 0:15:09yes, it's a real problem, particularly in America...
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- Like Munchhausen's? - It's like a kind of Munchhausen's.
0:15:12 > 0:15:13Are we saying this is illegal?
0:15:13 > 0:15:18- I had no idea, I'm sorry.- So keen are they to present themselves as heroes
0:15:18 > 0:15:23that they will set fire to buildings then be the one who goes in and...
0:15:23 > 0:15:27Would these be just regular people or someone that's in a profession?
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- It's firemen.- Firemen are sort of a hero for a JOB -
0:15:30 > 0:15:32it's a weird job when you think about it.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Couldn't it be the other way round,
0:15:34 > 0:15:39that they know they're arsonists but they've got a guilty conscience so they become firemen as well?
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- There is an element of that. - Did you hear about
0:15:42 > 0:15:45that Crimewatch presenter in Brazil who found that the show wasn't
0:15:45 > 0:15:48- exciting enough, so he started killing people.- Yeah.
0:15:48 > 0:15:53His name was Souza and he was supposed to have commissioned five murders...
0:15:53 > 0:15:57The police got suspicious when his camera crew turned up before he phoned in.
0:15:57 > 0:16:01..and he went on the run and then turned himself in.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03So yes, in South Carolina in 1993 and '94,
0:16:03 > 0:16:07- they discovered 47 - in one year - had done this.- All by the same guy?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10No, 47 different incidents.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14- 47 different arsonist firemen?- Yeah.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17It's a weird thing, cos it's a very noble thing to want to be, a hero.
0:16:17 > 0:16:22- A pretty nice thing to want to be, but so misguided.- I know, it is.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26It's not quite related, but there was a Japanese customs officer
0:16:26 > 0:16:27who was training a sniffer dog,
0:16:27 > 0:16:30and he decided to hide quite a large wodge of cannabis
0:16:30 > 0:16:32on a random passenger,
0:16:32 > 0:16:34who didn't know about it,
0:16:34 > 0:16:35he just basically planted it.
0:16:35 > 0:16:40The idea was that the passenger would go through, the dog would sniff and find it.
0:16:40 > 0:16:41The dog didn't get it!
0:16:41 > 0:16:45The passenger just walked through and got a free brick of cannabis!
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- LAUGHTER - Got home, "What?!"
0:16:48 > 0:16:50Very strange.
0:16:50 > 0:16:51I'll fly with THEM again.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54LAUGHTER
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Usually, it's just a pack of cashews.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Only got a wash bag with the other guys!
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Most extraordinary.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03You don't have to be a hero to be a worthwhile person
0:17:03 > 0:17:07but how much are you worth?
0:17:09 > 0:17:15- You mean if you sold all your bits? - Basically, yeah, not forgetting your bank account and your social entity.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Kidneys, liver...
0:17:17 > 0:17:24- Let's start with the basic, just your meat.- Your flesh?- Your flesh, if you prefer to call it that.
0:17:24 > 0:17:30I don't know who you're going to sell it to. Possibly Lidl, Aldi, maybe...
0:17:30 > 0:17:33In Moldova there were a couple of women stopped
0:17:33 > 0:17:37who were selling human flesh and they were charging £1.30 a kilo.
0:17:39 > 0:17:45So that would make the average-ish human, it would be about £100 of flesh.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48I think he'd go for more, if he had a restaurant in Chelsea or something.
0:17:48 > 0:17:52We think there's a problem with the national debt? We're sitting on a goldmine.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56- There's 60 million of you out there. - And there's leather. There's a skin.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Isn't there a scientific thing here?
0:17:58 > 0:18:00You've got a very tiny bit of calcium in your body
0:18:00 > 0:18:03but that's saleable. Or there's tiny bits of metal.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05There's gold.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07- Is there gold?- Yes.- In me?
0:18:07 > 0:18:090.4 of a milligram.
0:18:09 > 0:18:130.4 of a milligram. Worth about 8 pence.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15It's something.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17It's a trace element.
0:18:17 > 0:18:22So OK, we got the meat, the meat's £100. What about leather? How much does your skin weigh?
0:18:22 > 0:18:26- 40 quid. I'll give you 40 quid for your skin.- The biggest organ in the body, isn't it?
0:18:26 > 0:18:30Large-ish. It's about 8lbs, 3.6kg.
0:18:30 > 0:18:35- I would hope mine would go to Louis Vuitton.- It could do, it's about 22 square foot.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37About the size of an average door, say.
0:18:37 > 0:18:43If you were charging the same as cow hide, that would only be about £20, I'm afraid.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Be a shame if you ended up a bag for life.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48Most unfortunate!
0:18:48 > 0:18:51I think the coin purse alone would fetch a couple of grand.
0:18:51 > 0:18:57- The coin purse. Very nicely put. - My Jimmy Carr coin purse.
0:18:57 > 0:19:03Then we come to the big ones, the transplantable organs. A pair of corneas can be £4,000.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05You get good money for your eyes.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08How much would you pay for a heart?
0:19:08 > 0:19:11- £50,000.- Not bad. £40,000 you could probably get one for.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14What about a kidney? That's the classic thing.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Anything from £10,000 to £20,000.
0:19:16 > 0:19:21You know last year I donated a kidney. Of course, they wanted to know where I got it from.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24Lungs?
0:19:25 > 0:19:31- £25,000 a pair.- £75,000. Very valuable, lungs. - Very, very valuable...
0:19:32 > 0:19:36All your body parts are, we reckon, about £400,000.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39So you've got £400,120 so far.
0:19:39 > 0:19:44The thing is, when you get your donor card, it says, "We'll donate your stuff"
0:19:44 > 0:19:47and you go, "Yeah, OK, I'll donate it."
0:19:47 > 0:19:52- Should be able to sell it, shouldn't you?- You could, I suppose.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56- I carry a donor card but I...- That's so you can got a kebab at night.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00No, I... LAUGHTER
0:20:00 > 0:20:07I carry it but I haven't signed it because I want someone else to have the use of it after I've died.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12APPLAUSE
0:20:13 > 0:20:16And then there are the chemical components which we mentioned.
0:20:16 > 0:20:19Ten gallons of water, which doesn't go for much,
0:20:19 > 0:20:24- enough carbon for a sack of coal... - Sorry, enough carbon for a sack of coal?!
0:20:24 > 0:20:27We're a carbon-based life form. It's our main feature.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31A packet of bone meal fertiliser you could get out of a human.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34A bag of salt, a few nails from the iron.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39And the small trace elements, like the 0.4mg of gold, which is not much.
0:20:39 > 0:20:44You probably wouldn't get much change out of £10 but it's not very much for all your worth.
0:20:44 > 0:20:49So, frankly, half a million if you're very, very... in good order.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53It's silly to burn it, then, at the end, isn't it?
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Quite a lot going on there.
0:20:55 > 0:21:00If it wasn't the organ donation type thing, if it was just the chemicals and the stuff we're made of...
0:21:00 > 0:21:06About a tenner. In reality, of course, everybody's priceless.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08What is the point of teenagers?
0:21:08 > 0:21:13Are they the only group that you're legally allowed to punch?
0:21:15 > 0:21:19- I might have dreamt that. - You probably did.- Oh, right.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24The thing about teenagers is that they don't think of themselves as remarkable and strange.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27People look at them and think they sound odd, they speak oddly,
0:21:27 > 0:21:31but they communicate amongst themselves very efficiently...
0:21:31 > 0:21:34- Absolutely right. - ..and really ought to be breeding.
0:21:34 > 0:21:39- In fact, in many areas... - They are. Almost pre...
0:21:39 > 0:21:44Cos they like being together, they don't want to be with anybody else
0:21:44 > 0:21:48and they are sexually ready for children. That's the point of teenagers.
0:21:48 > 0:21:54They do think differently. You can use MRI, and there were a number of experiments
0:21:54 > 0:21:58with adults and adolescents, with brain scans
0:21:58 > 0:22:03and they were both shown, for example, a woman in a particular emotional state
0:22:03 > 0:22:06and they were asked what emotional state it was.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08All the adults answered correctly
0:22:08 > 0:22:12but lots of the teenagers couldn't interpret the emotion.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15It was found they use a different part of their brain to do so.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19So when an adult is having a row with a teenager and they're not understanding each other,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22it's really because they have different ways of thinking.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25They don't like it if you try and use their language.
0:22:25 > 0:22:30- I remember going up to some teenagers outside the pub, going, "Look at that- minge-er- over there."
0:22:30 > 0:22:34And they went, "Oh, for God's sake, it's minger."
0:22:34 > 0:22:39And one of them went, "And that's my mum," so, obviously, I...
0:22:41 > 0:22:47There are those who propose the argument, like Alan, that they are the proper state
0:22:47 > 0:22:54and we've grown down from that into our rather more fixed, rigid and rational...
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- It's the best time of life, in a way.- Yeah.
0:22:56 > 0:23:00When you're very sad as a teenager, you feel like everything is going to end
0:23:00 > 0:23:04but the next day, something amazingly brilliant happens, like you hear a new band.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06You're right, absolutely.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08And then everything's just great again.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11If you see a film you like, you just love it and watch it eight times.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14You never forget it, the whole of your life.
0:23:14 > 0:23:19The things you really love or discover at that age stay with you for the rest of your life.
0:23:19 > 0:23:24I agree. The Republic of Adolescence is a fine place to live and it's a shame ever to leave it.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29Maybe teenagers are the real thing and it's the adults who are behaving oddly.
0:23:29 > 0:23:34Oh, the humanity! It's time for General Ignorance, so fingers on buzzers if you please.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Name the fastest human runner of all time.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Ah, now...
0:23:41 > 0:23:44ROAR I'm going to go Usain Bolt
0:23:46 > 0:23:49He is! Did you not watch it? It was on telly.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54He's called Bolt, for God's sake. What more do you want?
0:23:54 > 0:23:57The argument for him being one of the fastest is strong.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00What, him winning and being the fastest?
0:24:00 > 0:24:04- He won that race. - He won that race, yes. You think you're faster, do you?
0:24:04 > 0:24:07I think T8 was faster.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10- T8?- T8.- Who's that?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13A fossilised footprint in Australia, from Aboriginal people.
0:24:13 > 0:24:18You can tell from the strides that they ran really fast.
0:24:18 > 0:24:23- What were they running from? - The white man.- Possibly. They had good reason to.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Usain Bolt can reach 27mph for a second or two.
0:24:27 > 0:24:33Which is very, very impressive, but rabbits run at 35mph and that's much more exciting.
0:24:33 > 0:24:39- It is not as fast as a rabbit. - It's not as fast as Jimmy Carr when it's his round.
0:24:42 > 0:24:4420,000 years ago
0:24:44 > 0:24:50on the Gold Coast they discovered these footprints and one of the males was running at 23mph.
0:24:50 > 0:24:55So Usain Bolt can travel 27mph on a running track, with spiked shoes,
0:24:55 > 0:24:59whereas T8 was in mud, barefoot and was accelerating.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03We don't know how much faster he got. Seems likely he was faster than Bolt.
0:25:03 > 0:25:08It's quite likely he wasn't the fastest of his 150,000-strong tribe,
0:25:08 > 0:25:14so anthropologists believe he could have gone up to 28mph.
0:25:14 > 0:25:19- Usain Bolt wasn't being chased by a lion, was he? - There is also that.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22For all we know, he could have been a fat bloke who was about 45
0:25:22 > 0:25:25and all the others were REALLY fast...
0:25:25 > 0:25:29- Exactly.- ..doing 48mph. How do they tell, is it the stride length?
0:25:29 > 0:25:34I think it is, stride length, depth of impress. They can be pretty accurate.
0:25:34 > 0:25:39Maybe they had a rock in the shape of a foot and they did it for a laugh.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41It's true, it's true.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44I'm not saying Usain Bolt isn't fast. Anyway, now,
0:25:44 > 0:25:50footprints in Australia suggest some of our ancestors were much faster than the best athletes today.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53The fastest one we know of was called T8.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55Now, which disease could this animal give you?
0:25:55 > 0:25:59HIGH-PITCHED BUZZING
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- Oh, go on.- Malaria.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Oh! Jack, you were doing so well.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Well, that's how I got it.
0:26:09 > 0:26:15It was a mosquito, but you never get malaria from a mosquito that buzzes.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19- Silent but deadly.- Sorry? Silent but deadly...
0:26:19 > 0:26:21SBD.
0:26:21 > 0:26:26It's the females of some species of Anopheles mosquito that don't make a noise
0:26:26 > 0:26:32and usually it's the ankle, usually the lower limbs, they're the ones you've got to watch out for.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36If you can hear it, it's a nuisance and it can give you yellow fever,
0:26:36 > 0:26:41and it can give you dengue fever, which is worse that some forms of light malaria,
0:26:41 > 0:26:45so it's not that they're harmless but they won't give you malaria if you can hear them.
0:26:45 > 0:26:51Bill Gates has got that foundation with Warren Buffett, he set up this incredible thing
0:26:51 > 0:26:53and they think they're going to be able to tackle malaria,
0:26:53 > 0:26:57which is extraordinary when you think about some geek in a garage starting a computer company.
0:26:57 > 0:27:02It's marvellous. They are the deadliest disease vector in history.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06In fact, over half the people who have ever lived on this planet
0:27:06 > 0:27:08have been killed by mosquitoes.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12Over half the people who have ever lived.
0:27:12 > 0:27:18If we could wipe them out, it wouldn't be good either because they are vital pollinators.
0:27:18 > 0:27:23A buzzing mosquito cannot give you malaria, though it might give you something equally unpleasant.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Which brings us to the end of the show. And before we go,
0:27:26 > 0:27:30let's see who's the winner in this human race.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32Well, it's a very exciting outcome, I have to say.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36The pinnacle of evolution, with a score of plus four,
0:27:36 > 0:27:40- is Jo Brand!- Oh, my Lord! - APPLAUSE
0:27:42 > 0:27:43CHEERING
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Very good.
0:27:46 > 0:27:51I am astonished. The missing link, with a plus score of three
0:27:51 > 0:27:53is Alan Davies.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55CHEERING, APPLAUSE
0:27:57 > 0:28:01Slightly dragging his knuckles along the ground with minus two
0:28:01 > 0:28:04- is Jack Dee. - APPLAUSE
0:28:07 > 0:28:12But heading, I'm afraid...heading for extinction with minus three,
0:28:12 > 0:28:15- Jimmy Carr. - APPLAUSE
0:28:21 > 0:28:25So all that's left is for me to thank Jo, Jimmy, Jack and, of course, Alan
0:28:25 > 0:28:29and I leave you with this thought about being human and being happy.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33If you really want to be happy, all you have to do is say, "I am beautiful."
0:28:33 > 0:28:37So I want you all tonight to go and look at the mirror
0:28:37 > 0:28:40and say, "Stephen Fry is beautiful." Good night.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:05 > 0:29:07E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk