0:00:23 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:36Oh, how do you do, how do you do, how do you do, how do you do?
0:00:36 > 0:00:42Welcome to the QI zoo for a show about animals that start with an H.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Lined up for feeding time, we have the hawk-eyed Sean Lock!
0:00:45 > 0:00:50Thank you. Thank you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:54- The hare-footed Ross Noble... - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:56The heavily-petted Ruby Wax!
0:00:56 > 0:00:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:59 > 0:01:03And the hung like a horsefly Alan Davies.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:06 > 0:01:09Now...
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Let's have a peep at your horns. Sean goes...
0:01:12 > 0:01:15MELODIC TONE PLAYS
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Ruby goes...
0:01:16 > 0:01:17SQUEAKY HONKING
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Oh, what's that? That's a woman sound.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23- Ross goes... - FOGHORN BLARES
0:01:23 > 0:01:24And Alan goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:29PRETTY TUNE FADES TONELESSLY
0:01:29 > 0:01:31- Oh. - LAUGHTER
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Where better to begin than question one?
0:01:33 > 0:01:36We start with an opportunity for easy points.
0:01:36 > 0:01:40- Two points for each animal you can name that has horns. - SQUEAKY HONKING
0:01:40 > 0:01:41- Yes?- OK, goat, elk,
0:01:41 > 0:01:44buffalo, ox,
0:01:44 > 0:01:46- Dixon, Prancer, Rudolph... - LAUGHTER
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Cats who dress up as devils on Hallowe'en.
0:01:49 > 0:01:51Um... Oxen, did I say that?
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Goats. My mother.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54Unicorn!
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- KLAXON BLARES - Unicorn, no!
0:02:00 > 0:02:01- Why?- Rhino.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03KLAXON BLARES
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- Antelope!- Cat! - Antelope is fine.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12- I already said cat!- What about a Viking dog?- There we go.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Cos it would have the horns.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16It might!
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Strictly speaking, I know you'll say the Vikings didn't have horns on.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23The point about a horn is that it must be bone. Technically,
0:02:23 > 0:02:27a horn is bone, not what a rhino has, which is...?
0:02:27 > 0:02:30- Hair.- Hair, exactly. - Tell that to the rhino.
0:02:30 > 0:02:34- Exactly. - I think you'll find it's a horn.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37I don't know if you've ever seen a wet rhino,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39but it actually just flops down, like that.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Quite often, you'll find, on nature programmes,
0:02:43 > 0:02:45when you zoom in on the sound,
0:02:45 > 0:02:48you hear them going, "Oh, I'm having a bad horn day!"
0:02:48 > 0:02:51- I've got split ends!- I thought it was like a fingernail.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- A what?- Made out of toenail?
0:02:54 > 0:02:56That's the same thing as hair.
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Your nails and your hair - keratin.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Oh! I had no idea.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05If we let it just go, eventually, we would have a horn?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Humans can have horns, funnily enough.
0:03:07 > 0:03:12There was a late 18th-century nun who grew a horn.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16Her nunnery was invaded by Napoleonic troops.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19She grew that horn, specifically to ward off people attacking them?
0:03:19 > 0:03:23She went, "Let's not get spears and knives..."?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26She was locked in an asylum and banged her head, regularly,
0:03:26 > 0:03:31against the wall or table and she started to grow a horn.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- It was a most peculiar thing. - Brilliant! I'm doing it.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Just carry on.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38She eventually had it cut off, cos it was going into her eye.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42What a waste! She should've had a Bible with a hook on it
0:03:42 > 0:03:46and she could've hung it there and then she'd be peeling potatoes,
0:03:46 > 0:03:47reading the Bible.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49LAUGHTER
0:03:49 > 0:03:50You're right.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52They should have that on QVC.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55"Are you sick of not being able to read the Bible
0:03:55 > 0:03:59"whilst doing domestic duties? Try banging your head off a wall.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03"It works for nuns. Eight out of ten nuns prefer it."
0:04:03 > 0:04:07That drawing doesn't seem to be the most convincing evidence.
0:04:07 > 0:04:12That sounds like there's a picture and someone thought, "I won't do a Hitler moustache.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14"I'll stick a horn on her!"
0:04:14 > 0:04:19But that looks less like a horn, more like she's put half a croissant.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- It does! - It's like all that banging...
0:04:21 > 0:04:25The Mother Superior should've just said, "Just cut half a croissant."
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Little bit of jam and that would've done the job.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Instead, she went, "Dur!" and stabbed herself in the hand.
0:04:31 > 0:04:32SEAN: Is an antler a horn?
0:04:32 > 0:04:35- Yes.- Ah, no.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38An antler is different. Why is an antler different?
0:04:38 > 0:04:40It's made of wood.
0:04:40 > 0:04:45- An antler's different cos it's shed. - It's shed?- Yes, every year.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49- What do they keep in this shed? - Ah, no! They shed.- They keep their antlers in a shed?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53I know so little!
0:04:53 > 0:04:57- So, when they two horned creatures are going at it...- Locked.
0:04:57 > 0:05:01- When they lock horns. - Does that ever happen with nuns?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04One of them goes, "That's mine." "It's not!"
0:05:04 > 0:05:05HE TRUMPETS
0:05:05 > 0:05:09I'd pay... I'd walk a mile on broken glass to see that.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12I'd be there. I'd also pay to hunt them as well.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Imagine that, going on a nun hunt!
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Some men fantasise about two nuns locking horns. That's sexy.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22That animal on the left, I hope it's called the Mr Whippy goat.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24LAUGHTER
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Whoever named it missed a real opportunity.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30- I doubt it is called the Mr Whippy goat.- It's more of an antelope than a goat.
0:05:30 > 0:05:34The animal on the left, would you say that it's evolved
0:05:34 > 0:05:38to have some kind of fear of sound?
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Yes! They are big receptors.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Aware that perhaps its predators may sneak up on it.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45LAUGHTER
0:05:45 > 0:05:47It is blessed, it is a nervous creature.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50The Princess Leia of the moose world.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53"We'll need bigger ears, cos they're still sneaking up on us."
0:05:53 > 0:05:58Those are all proper horns there, on the antelope,
0:05:58 > 0:06:01- on the horned toad and on the... What's the other one?- Buffalo.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05- Yes.- I think the buffalo's horns evolved so nobody took it seriously.
0:06:05 > 0:06:11- Yes, they look upside-down, or something.- So sad and pathetic. And then nobody would attack it,
0:06:11 > 0:06:15they'd just laugh at it and go, "Oh, you're been lumbered, mate!"
0:06:15 > 0:06:20They just evolved living in a field with quite a low gate.
0:06:20 > 0:06:21Yes!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Ah, the horns have caught on the gate again.
0:06:26 > 0:06:30How comes, over years of evolution, you've got an animal like that,
0:06:30 > 0:06:35with those sorts of horns and no animal has developed quoits?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Are you speaking English?
0:06:37 > 0:06:42- Did you just say to him, "Are you speaking English?" - Yeah, I've never heard it.
0:06:42 > 0:06:48- Have you never heard a Geordie accent before?- Not from something with hair that's never been combed.
0:06:48 > 0:06:49LAUGHTER
0:06:49 > 0:06:54I'd just point out, I am part of the show. I'm not on the screen.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56OK. I thought that was...
0:06:56 > 0:06:59You're sat there, going, "What the hell is that thing?!"
0:07:01 > 0:07:03LAUGHTER
0:07:04 > 0:07:08- I figured you just banged your head, constantly. - I'll come at you like a nun!
0:07:08 > 0:07:12I can see where he's a shock to a delicately nurtured creature.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17That's one of the worst threats I've ever heard! "I'll come at you like a nun!"
0:07:17 > 0:07:18"Would you like a sweet?"
0:07:21 > 0:07:23I think I've got a new catchphrase now!
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Excellent, well, well done everybody.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28Many things that we call horns actually aren't.
0:07:28 > 0:07:33What would happen if you threw a hippo in the deep end of your local swimming pool?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36It would sink.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- It would sink.- Yeah. - In the winters, I live in Miami
0:07:39 > 0:07:42and they all look like that. But they have lipstick on,
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- so nobody would bat an eye. - They wouldn't.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47They walk along the bottom, that's what they do.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51That's exactly what they do. What hippos don't do is swim.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54But it's not the first thing that would happen.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58- You'd get your swimming card revoked, would be the first thing.- Yes!
0:07:58 > 0:08:01Also, Ross, I think there'd be a huge sense of relief
0:08:01 > 0:08:03that you'd finally got rid of the hippo,
0:08:03 > 0:08:08got through the turnstiles with it, through the changing rooms, and then you think,
0:08:08 > 0:08:11"Oh, Christ, at least I've bloody done it!
0:08:11 > 0:08:14"Oh, dear, wait till the guys hear about this!"
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Probably take the traffic cone off your head.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20So, this one would die, cos he's got floaties on.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- And, actually, they need... - That is a mistake. They can float,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26and they can drop to the bottom. What they can't do is swim.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27Is do the backstroke.
0:08:27 > 0:08:32- Which is why that ident on BBC One, where they swimming in a circle... - All wrong.- Factually incorrect.
0:08:32 > 0:08:37- They're doing a sort of doggy paddle, aren't they?- A lot of EastEnders isn't true either.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39LAUGHTER
0:08:39 > 0:08:42That's ridiculous!
0:08:42 > 0:08:43APPLAUSE
0:08:43 > 0:08:46How, then, do they get out of a river?
0:08:46 > 0:08:52- A small boy in pyjamas dives in and saves them.- No, they walk along the bottom,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54- or bounce and stride...- Oh, I know!
0:08:54 > 0:08:58- They fill their lungs and float to the top.- No, they just walk to the shallow part.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03Sometimes they carry a small thing of helium. They get to the surface,
0:09:03 > 0:09:04then just keep going.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08- They certainly can't use a ladder! - No, you're right.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11You said that with anger, like, "Bloody hippos!"
0:09:11 > 0:09:14Like you've paid a few of them to do some decorating.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16And they were just sat round, smoking.
0:09:16 > 0:09:21"Can't even use a bloody ladder! I'm sick of it."
0:09:21 > 0:09:25The fact is, they just walk up the shallow bit, to get onto land.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27How many teeth does a hippo have?
0:09:27 > 0:09:28MELODIC TONE PLAYS
0:09:28 > 0:09:32A full-grown one has 40. And the reason I know that's a fact
0:09:32 > 0:09:36is I got asked a question by my daughter the other day,
0:09:36 > 0:09:38"Dad, how many teeth has a hippo got?"
0:09:38 > 0:09:42and I went, "Let's go over to this little bit of equipment here..."
0:09:42 > 0:09:48Are you sure you didn't go, "Well, I'd tell you, but I just pushed my last one into a swimming pool."
0:09:48 > 0:09:51They always have those photos with the massive mouths open,
0:09:51 > 0:09:55- and there's two at the top and two at the bottom.- That's it.- No.
0:09:55 > 0:09:56LAUGHTER
0:09:56 > 0:10:00It said that a full-grown hippo has 40, minimum of 40.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02- Is that Wikipedia?- No. No.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05It was hippoteeth.com.
0:10:05 > 0:10:10Now, the hippo is not afraid of predators sneaking up on it.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13No. Smaller ears.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15- Tiny little ears, barely needs them. - That's right.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18"What could we hear that would bother us?"
0:10:18 > 0:10:21They're very hard to shoot. Why would that be?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- Underwater?- No, it's their... - Oh, they've got...
0:10:24 > 0:10:26They've got night vision goggles. LAUGHTER
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- They can go underground? They can fly?- Their skin.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Their hide is unbelievably thick. Their skin weighs a tonne.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36It's a quarter of their whole body weight is their hide.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40It's unbelievably thick. Most bullets would bounce off, or at least fall down, not penetrate.
0:10:40 > 0:10:45Don't give him ideas. He's already pushing them into swimming pools!
0:10:45 > 0:10:47He's in the water.
0:10:47 > 0:10:51Looking at those light patches round the eyes - has it been on a sun bed?
0:10:51 > 0:10:57People often think do they get, somehow, sunburn?
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- They do.- They get very red.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01And it looks like sunburn to us,
0:11:01 > 0:11:03but actually, they give off a red oil.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07People genuinely used to think they bled through their skin.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10He puts his ears over his eyes, like that, look.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12What would that be doing for them?
0:11:12 > 0:11:13LAUGHTER
0:11:13 > 0:11:16It keeps their skin moisturised.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19Right, well, moving on...
0:11:19 > 0:11:21Hippos can't swim, but they can float.
0:11:21 > 0:11:26If you threw one in the deep end, it would likely allow itself to sink to the bottom,
0:11:26 > 0:11:30before walking to the shallow end. What's the point of having a head like a hammer?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32Oh, my LORD!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- Oh, my gracious. - You mean like a shark?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- Yes, like a shark.- Like a shark.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38I know that one.
0:11:38 > 0:11:43When they approach it, I imagine most creatures who approach it don't recognise it as another creature,
0:11:43 > 0:11:46till they get round the side. Whoops, too late!
0:11:46 > 0:11:52Or it's pulling a face, then God said, "If you do that one more time, It's going to stick."
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- Their eyes are on the end, aren't they?- They've got eyes on the end.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57It's not fully understood, to be honest,
0:11:57 > 0:12:01but it certainly gives it an extraordinary depth perception,
0:12:01 > 0:12:03- to have eyes that far apart. - It's a bottom feeder.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- I like to talk about bottom feeders. - Do you, Ruby?
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- Somebody's got to do it.- Yep.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10They're like hoovers, hoovers of the sea.
0:12:10 > 0:12:16They eat flatfish and stingrays that live on the bottom that often camouflage themselves under sand.
0:12:16 > 0:12:21How do they detect things that are camouflaged? Not with their eyes.
0:12:21 > 0:12:24With their fins. They go like that. LAUGHTER
0:12:25 > 0:12:28- They have things called... - Do they smell everything?
0:12:28 > 0:12:30They have ampullae. A lot of sharks do.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34- And it smells?- No, they detect electrical movement,
0:12:34 > 0:12:39so sensitively that the electrical movement you or I make by operating our muscles,
0:12:39 > 0:12:41they could detect that.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44And they detect it in a shifting fish.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46It seems that gives them a really impressive...
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Rather like a sort of long radar antenna.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53- So you'd really mess with their heads if you chucked in a toaster?- Yes!
0:12:53 > 0:12:58Cos the trouble with a hammerhead shark is, it's very hard to do a double take.
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Ooh, me neck!
0:13:01 > 0:13:03It's a comic nightmare.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06I've just realised what's missing from your average shark.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08They haven't got any lips.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09No, they haven't.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- That's why they look so hideous. - It does give them a nasty look.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16If you gave them collagen, a bit of colour, they'd look quite attractive.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17They would indeed.
0:13:17 > 0:13:23- Much more sinister if a shark came up to you, before it bit you, it went, "Mwah!"- What about their teeth,
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Sean, as you are an expert on animal teeth?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- Yeah. How many teeth? - Do you know about shark teeth?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Have you got a computer? I can check it for you.
0:13:31 > 0:13:36Sharks' teeth are interesting. They have a row of teeth and then they have teeth behind...
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- They come forward, when they lose them.- That's it.
0:13:39 > 0:13:43They lose a tooth and another one comes forward, like a conveyer belt.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- With dolphins, sorry to go off of sharks...- It's fine.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49They detect when something's dying.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52That's how they figure out to go for it.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54I went swimming with one.
0:13:54 > 0:14:00They say, "If you have false breasts, don't go in, cos it'll ram you over and over again."
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Sometimes kids who are disabled go in,
0:14:03 > 0:14:05- and then it nudges them. - With sharks?!
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- Not with sharks.- We're on dolphins. - Oh, sorry, I missed that.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11I thought you were putting disabled kids in with sharks!
0:14:11 > 0:14:14I was thinking, "What sort of charity is this?!"
0:14:14 > 0:14:15LAUGHTER
0:14:15 > 0:14:17I'm going to give them some money!
0:14:17 > 0:14:20They have been known to save people, haven't they?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Nudge people to shore who are in trouble?
0:14:23 > 0:14:28There are stories going back to the Ancient Greeks, of course. I've swum with dolphins as well.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30It is quite an extraordinary experience.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32SEAN: It's terrible when they reject you.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34That's horrible.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37All your family and therapists are standing on the beach...
0:14:37 > 0:14:40It's freezing cold and there's loads of dolphins,
0:14:40 > 0:14:43just pissing off back to the sea.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Then you look round, and you go...
0:14:46 > 0:14:51"I suppose we'd better just carry on with the medication, then?"
0:14:51 > 0:14:52LAUGHTER
0:14:52 > 0:14:55If they rejected you, Sean...
0:14:55 > 0:14:56LAUGHTER
0:14:56 > 0:15:00"I mean, at least we tried."
0:15:00 > 0:15:01LAUGHTER
0:15:01 > 0:15:03"Can I have a towel?"
0:15:03 > 0:15:06Sean, if they rejected you, it's because you're strong and whole.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08They're not interested in fit people.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11They're drawn towards the weak and the disadvantaged -
0:15:11 > 0:15:13you're clearly totally fit.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15I was talking to a marine biologist, who basically said,
0:15:15 > 0:15:19"Oh, they're these amazing creatures and you can swim with them.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23"Actually, they're a bunch of fighting, rag-tag..."
0:15:23 > 0:15:28If you see proper wild dolphins, they've got lumps out of them, bits missing...
0:15:28 > 0:15:32I love the idea that people are going, "I want this amazing experience..."
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Serene and mystical and lyrical...
0:15:34 > 0:15:39When actually, it's just like being chucked in with a bunch of wet skinheads.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40- Yep.- Get in there!
0:15:40 > 0:15:44And they bully each other. And they attack porpoises.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47How do they tell each other apart?
0:15:47 > 0:15:51- In the same way that anyone else would!- No, no,
0:15:51 > 0:15:55That's a good question. How do ants tell...
0:15:55 > 0:16:00when they meet a beetle, that it's not an ant? How do they know?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02You meet a beetle, go, "All right?"
0:16:02 > 0:16:04how does it know? Cos they can't see, can they?
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Ants can't see.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- Yes, they can! - Oh, go back to school, Stephen!
0:16:09 > 0:16:11LAUGHTER
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Maybe I'm going on the wrong website!
0:16:13 > 0:16:17- I think you might've been!- It's Jordan's Animal Facts I'm going on.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19LAUGHTER
0:16:23 > 0:16:26"Ask Jordan." That's where I get my animal information.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29It's not often I find myself in a group of people
0:16:29 > 0:16:32thinking I'm the most normal, sane and balanced person there,
0:16:32 > 0:16:33but I'm happy to feel that today.
0:16:33 > 0:16:39Nobody really knows why hammerheads have such odd heads, but it seems it allows them to detect more food.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43Why is it hard to hang on to a hagfish? There's a hagfish.
0:16:43 > 0:16:48- I know.- Yes?- It releases mucous. - The hagfish?- To defend itself,
0:16:48 > 0:16:49which works in real life.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52If anybody ever comes at me, I just sneeze at them,
0:16:52 > 0:16:56- and they back off.- I don't think you could produce the kind of slime
0:16:56 > 0:16:57that a hagfish could produce.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00You don't know me. I'm very young and fertile.
0:17:00 > 0:17:05Have a look at a hagfish releasing slime and tell me you could produce as much.
0:17:07 > 0:17:12That is producing that. It can turn a bucket of 20 litres
0:17:12 > 0:17:15of water into slime in minutes.
0:17:18 > 0:17:23I actually think... I think my baby daughter might be a hagfish.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25LAUGHTER
0:17:28 > 0:17:32Cos that's nothing.
0:17:32 > 0:17:38To be honest with you, I've got that on my trousers every morning.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41It also can tie itself into knots, which is another impressive thing.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44It literally does a slipknot or an overhand knot.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46- It's quite bizarre. - Given the choice,
0:17:46 > 0:17:50if I had to have special powers, I'd like to be bitten by one of them.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Because excreting mucous would be...
0:17:53 > 0:17:57Spider-Man is all very well - do a bit of climbing and that.
0:17:57 > 0:18:01Imagine if you were just sat in a chair and someone went, "Do your thing," and you just went...
0:18:01 > 0:18:05- That would be fantastic! - It'd be brilliant.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08If somebody tried to get you in a headlock, you'd just go...
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Voomf!
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- That's what it does.- Ross, superheroes are meant to help people.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16How would you help people with this?
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Spider-Man helps people. How would you help people with this mucous?
0:18:19 > 0:18:22"There's a child, it's got its head in the railings." Vmfff.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24LAUGHTER
0:18:24 > 0:18:27"Oh, no! This..." APPLAUSE
0:18:29 > 0:18:31That one. Or...
0:18:31 > 0:18:35Yeah, that's a really good comic book story, isn't it?!
0:18:35 > 0:18:39This gravy is unnecessarily runny. Vmfff.
0:18:39 > 0:18:44Hagfish are hard to hold because they tie themselves in a knot and ooze slime in all directions.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48How would you collect the snot from a sneezing humpback?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- Is mucous our word of the day? - No, just linked.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55- They sneeze through their blowhole. - They don't sneeze,
0:18:55 > 0:19:00they can't sneeze, but they breathe out. When you see a humpback whale breathing out,
0:19:00 > 0:19:03it is breath. It contains mucous.
0:19:03 > 0:19:09- So, who collects it?- A scientist interested in monitoring
0:19:09 > 0:19:14the health of a humpback. Why is it important to see whether humpbacks have got colds or flu?
0:19:14 > 0:19:18- Because a sick one, you can push it towards the Japanese.- No, no!
0:19:18 > 0:19:20- Because... - LAUGHTER
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Then they go, "Oh, we'll have that one and knock off early."
0:19:24 > 0:19:32No, because, like birds, like pigs, they get flu that jumps species to man. And if that flu
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- jumps to us, which is possible... - That'd be a nightmare!
0:19:35 > 0:19:38- It's a whole new genetic code. - Well, not just that.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41Think at the waiting room at the doctor's!
0:19:41 > 0:19:44You'd be squashed against the wall like that, he'd be there...
0:19:44 > 0:19:48When you get bird flu, you don't get all small and grow wings.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52To get a flu is not the same as to turn into the animal.
0:19:52 > 0:19:56No, but what I'm saying is if that humpback whale has got the flu,
0:19:56 > 0:20:01- he's taking up all the chairs...- Oh, I see!- All the pensioners and me are pressed against the wall.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05We'll have to encourage the whales to ring NHS Direct.
0:20:05 > 0:20:10The only trouble with that is, NHS Direct pick up the phone
0:20:10 > 0:20:12and think it's a fax machine. HE IMPERSONATES A WHALE
0:20:12 > 0:20:16It's true!
0:20:16 > 0:20:20"Wrong number again!" and the whale's there, going, "I'm really ill
0:20:20 > 0:20:24"and they won't let me come down the doctor's, cos I take up too much room.
0:20:24 > 0:20:29"And I keep knocking the posters off the wall, with me barnacle arse."
0:20:29 > 0:20:32LAUGHTER
0:20:32 > 0:20:35If I can just guide you away for a moment, towards that snot.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37How do you collect it?
0:20:37 > 0:20:41With a bag over its head, an ordinary bag from Greggs?
0:20:41 > 0:20:43It has to be from Greggs?
0:20:43 > 0:20:47- It has to be.- You put pepper in the hole?- It started...
0:20:47 > 0:20:52Karina Acevedo-Whitehouse, her name was, a researcher
0:20:52 > 0:20:53who was very much a specialist.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56She used to have a Petri dish on the end of a stick
0:20:56 > 0:20:59and try to get it through the plume, but it was too difficult.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- There was too much turbulent water. - She swims next to it?
0:21:02 > 0:21:06Originally, but what does she do now? She's got a really good system.
0:21:06 > 0:21:12- Big condom over the top of the hole? - A remote-control toy helicopter,
0:21:12 > 0:21:14that flies... There.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- There it is, isn't that perfect? - Collecting it.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20If you're going to be a scientist, specialising in collecting snot...
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Has she come up with anything?
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- Now that she has the collection. - Good data on the transmission
0:21:26 > 0:21:29of flu between humpback whales...
0:21:29 > 0:21:34Which is jolly difficult, cos they travel more than any other - 5,000 miles a year, routinely.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Trying to get away from the remote-control helicopter...
0:21:37 > 0:21:39Meehhhhh!
0:21:39 > 0:21:45I wouldn't fancy being the bloke who works in her local toy shop either!
0:21:45 > 0:21:47"Oh, it's broken again, is it?"
0:21:47 > 0:21:50"Yeah, got all mucous in the rotor blades."
0:21:50 > 0:21:55So, people who do research into whale flu collect snot using remote-control toy helicopters.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57What am I describing here?
0:21:57 > 0:22:01Pure, intense, brilliant pain,
0:22:01 > 0:22:03like fire-walking over flaming charcoal
0:22:03 > 0:22:07- with a three-inch rusty nail in your heel.- Childbirth.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- HE LAUGHS - Probably!
0:22:09 > 0:22:10Probably.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13SEAN: Is it a bee sting?
0:22:13 > 0:22:14There is a man, called Schmidt,
0:22:14 > 0:22:20who has devoted his life to creating the Schmidt scale of insect bite or sting pain.
0:22:20 > 0:22:27He has been bitten or stung by just about every stinging, biting insect there is.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30And he writes rather wine connoisseur descriptions...
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Ow! There, look at that. ..of the pain.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38It starts at 1.0 and goes up to plus 4.0,
0:22:38 > 0:22:42the one we just heard - the bullet ant. It starts with the sweat bee,
0:22:42 > 0:22:44which you can see on the left there.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46That's light, ephemeral, almost fruity,
0:22:46 > 0:22:50a tiny spark has singed a single hair on your arm.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54- Notes of blackberry.- Yes, exactly. Leather and tobacco!
0:22:54 > 0:22:57Is 10.0 like listening to Westlife?
0:22:57 > 0:22:59LAUGHTER
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Then 1.8 is the bullhorn acacia ant,
0:23:02 > 0:23:07"A rare, piercing, elevated sort of pain, someone has fired a staple into your cheek."
0:23:07 > 0:23:09LAUGHTER
0:23:09 > 0:23:13- He's done these things to make a comparison?- I guess he has.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17Then there's the bald-faced hornet, rich, hearty, slightly crunchy,
0:23:17 > 0:23:20similar to your hand being mashed in a revolving door.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22LAUGHTER
0:23:22 > 0:23:24That's a very good thing to document.
0:23:24 > 0:23:29Then there's a yellowjacket, "Imagine WC Fields extinguishing a cigar on your tongue."
0:23:29 > 0:23:33Specifically WC Fields?! LAUGHTER
0:23:33 > 0:23:38Just go, "Oh, that one, it's more like Jimmy Savile.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41"No, no, that's WC Fields."
0:23:41 > 0:23:453.0 - the paper wasp, caustic, burning, distinctly bitter aftertaste,
0:23:45 > 0:23:49like spilling a beaker of hydrochloric acid on a paper cut.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51That's nasty. Then there's the bullet ant,
0:23:51 > 0:23:53which is the one I described,
0:23:53 > 0:23:58Pure, intense, brilliant pain... It's called the bullet ant, cos it's like getting shot. There it is.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01A nasty piece of work. Anyway, yes.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05They fact is entymologist Justin Schmidt has been stung by almost every insect
0:24:05 > 0:24:08and describes the bullet ant sting as the most painful on Earth,
0:24:08 > 0:24:12which brings us face-to-face with the vicious predator of general ignorance.
0:24:12 > 0:24:17Fingers on buzzers, please. I have some points available for you.
0:24:17 > 0:24:22All you have to do is to identify every animal in front of you.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24SQUEAKY HONKING
0:24:24 > 0:24:26- Hedgehog, mouse... - KLAXON BLARES
0:24:26 > 0:24:30- You've not done well to start with. - Not a hedgehog?
0:24:30 > 0:24:31Is one of them a bilby?
0:24:31 > 0:24:35There's no bilbies there. And there's no mouse there.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- A shrew?- A shrew?- A buffalo?- Shrew?
0:24:38 > 0:24:41- No, there is no shrew. - KLAXON BLARES
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Let's have a look again.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Let's see them again.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48- A mole?- Is that a baby mole?
0:24:48 > 0:24:52They're all different species of one kind of animal.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Dog.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56No! Not a dog.
0:24:56 > 0:25:01- Think of a place where species have evolved...- New Zealand?
0:25:01 > 0:25:05- Like New Zealand.- G-G-G-G... Galapagos!- No.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08But it is an island. It's Madagascar. In Madagascar,
0:25:08 > 0:25:10a few mammals, millions of years ago,
0:25:10 > 0:25:14were hived off from Africa and the evolved separately.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16They filled niches similar to those in Europe
0:25:16 > 0:25:20and this particular animal is known as a tenrec
0:25:20 > 0:25:22and it is...various species of it.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25They fill the same niches as hedgehogs do.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28They're not in any way connected or related to hedgehogs.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32They have just solved the problems of existence in the same way.
0:25:32 > 0:25:36Plants that have done the same. There are things you would swear blind are a cactus,
0:25:36 > 0:25:41- but are not in any way a cactus. - A bogus?- Yes! Exactly.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43So, the tenrec is a Madagascan mammal
0:25:43 > 0:25:46that has evolved over millions of years
0:25:46 > 0:25:49to create species that look like mice, shrews and hedgehogs.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Now, what are these animals fighting about?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56LAUGHTER
0:25:56 > 0:25:58FOGHORN BLARES They're not fighting?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00Hmm...
0:26:00 > 0:26:02- They're just, er...- Sparring?
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- Trying to get... - Trying to do a high five,
0:26:05 > 0:26:07but they can't get it together.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09LAUGHTER
0:26:10 > 0:26:13They do it in springtime, when they're getting a bit frisky.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16It's two males fighting over a girl?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- Ohhh, Ruby! - KLAXON BLARES
0:26:19 > 0:26:22How bad can it get? It doesn't matter now.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26- Go for it now.- What do I know?
0:26:26 > 0:26:30A hare's got no chance of having sex with a girl. Has to be another hare, surely?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32A girl hare!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35Girl is way out of their league.
0:26:35 > 0:26:39- They might get a kiss off a girl. - It's not two males fighting.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42It is a female fighting off a male who is too frisky.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45She's basically saying she's not up for it.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48- Get some pepper spray! - Maybe that would happen.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51When two hares box, it's more than likely that a female is boxing away
0:26:51 > 0:26:55an overexcited male she doesn't want to mate with. And finally,
0:26:55 > 0:26:58what is rhino horn used for in traditional Chinese medicine?
0:26:58 > 0:27:02- What do you want us to say? - You've finally got wise.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05I will let you off the hook. It has never been used as an aphrodisiac.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07It is a fallacy.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10It's used, supposedly, to keep fevers at bay.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13It makes no more sense at keeping fevers at bay
0:27:13 > 0:27:15than it does as an aphrodisiac,
0:27:15 > 0:27:18because it is, as we discussed earlier, simply hair. It isn't true,
0:27:18 > 0:27:22rhino horn is not used as an aphrodisiac in traditional Chinese medicine,
0:27:22 > 0:27:24it's most often taken for a fever.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Which brings us all the way back to our horns and, indeed,
0:27:27 > 0:27:31to the end of the show. Let's have a look at the scores.
0:27:31 > 0:27:32Goodness gracious me.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36The dominant male this evening, on seven points, is Ross Noble!
0:27:36 > 0:27:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:40 > 0:27:43And in second place, with a highly respectable -5,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Sean Lock and Jordan!
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Thank you. Thank you. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:47 > 0:27:51And really improving now, -6, Alan Davies!
0:27:51 > 0:27:54- Thank you. Thank you very much. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:54 > 0:27:57I'm afraid at the very bottom of the food chain,
0:27:57 > 0:28:00as thick as two short planktons,
0:28:00 > 0:28:01Ruby Wax with -36!
0:28:01 > 0:28:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:10 > 0:28:13So, goodnight from Ruby, Sean, Ross and Alan.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15I leave you with this piece of wisdom from Homer Simpson -
0:28:15 > 0:28:18"Weaselling out of things is important to learn.
0:28:18 > 0:28:20"It's what separates us from the animals,
0:28:20 > 0:28:22"except the weasel." Thank you and good night.
0:28:39 > 0:28:43Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:43 > 0:28:48E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk