0:00:23 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:37Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, and welcome.
0:00:37 > 0:00:42It's happy hour at QI, because tonight we're all about H for happiness.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Get them in quickly while you can, ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:45 > 0:00:48because you've got four guests for the price of two.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50The happy-go-lucky Andy Hamilton...
0:00:50 > 0:00:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:57..the irresistibly chirpy Rich Hall...
0:00:57 > 0:01:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:02 > 0:01:05..that cheerful charlie Phill Jupitus...
0:01:05 > 0:01:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:09 > 0:01:12..and someone who doesn't even know the meaning of the word lugubrious,
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Alan Davies!
0:01:13 > 0:01:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:20 > 0:01:24So, your instruments of pleasure, if you please. Andy goes...
0:01:25 > 0:01:27MANIC LAUGH
0:01:27 > 0:01:29And Rich goes...
0:01:29 > 0:01:33- CRAZY FEMALE LAUGH - Phill goes...
0:01:33 > 0:01:39- COMICALLY MENACING LAUGH - And Alan goes...
0:01:39 > 0:01:44SNORTING LAUGH
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Oh, dear.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49Right. Well, before we start,
0:01:49 > 0:01:53I want to test your own contribution to the sum of human happiness,
0:01:53 > 0:01:56the QI Audience Pleasure Gauge.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00Every time the pointer enters the red happy zone
0:02:00 > 0:02:03as a result of something the audience likes,
0:02:03 > 0:02:06I will award one or more of you a bonus, all right? For example...
0:02:06 > 0:02:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:18 > 0:02:24So, now to questions. What would make Britain a happier place?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27No more penalty shoot-outs.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29Hope.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- The Pope?- Hope.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32- Not the Pope!- Not the Pope, no.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34I was going to say, that seemed odd.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36I thought you said a grope.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39- A grope or the Pope... - I'll work on my diction!
0:02:40 > 0:02:48I think moving Britain slightly south to improve the climate slightly would make us happier.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52- Could you do that just by putting an outboard motor on Aberdeen?- Yeah.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56Probably more than one. I reckon you'd need a few, but if you had enough you'd get it going.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Britain never wakes up in the same latitude.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02Yeah, you'd never know where you are. You're just cruising the globe.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Right, yeah.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- Like Somali pirates, but... - Can we concentrate....?
0:03:07 > 0:03:09LAUGHTER
0:03:09 > 0:03:13- Yeah. If we went back to pillaging and looting and raping.- Right.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17I'm not sure what pillaging is, but looting and raping...
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- Fine...- All right, looting, no rape.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20- Yeah.- Pillage.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22A minor pillage.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24- Minor pillaging.- Yeah. - What is pillaging?
0:03:24 > 0:03:27It's kind of sacking, ransacking, stealing from,
0:03:27 > 0:03:29pilfering and taking things.
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Burgling, taking, I think, pillaging.
0:03:31 > 0:03:35- So it's the same as looting?- Yeah. - Kind of is, really, isn't it?
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Give everyone a mental age of six, that would make Britain happier.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43- We'd be very easily pleased. Sweets...- Well, the media are working on that, aren't they?
0:03:43 > 0:03:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Oh, yeah!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51I think you've hit...
0:03:51 > 0:03:54I think you've hit the Happiness Gauge there.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58- That was very good, well done. - The last dumbing-down.- Yeah.
0:03:58 > 0:04:03But of course, six-year-olds probably cry 70 or 80 times a day,
0:04:03 > 0:04:07- which you... Do you? - Cos they can't go up and down stairs without falling.
0:04:07 > 0:04:08Which I can.
0:04:08 > 0:04:1070 or 80 times...?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Where is this six-year-old?
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- Well, I'm just saying... - What does Uncle Stephen do?
0:04:15 > 0:04:19LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:22I try and teach them Latin.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27They just don't seem to be able to like it!
0:04:27 > 0:04:29"Not the British Museum again!"
0:04:31 > 0:04:32Oh, don't!
0:04:32 > 0:04:36"I don't like foie gras, Uncle Stephen!"
0:04:36 > 0:04:37LAUGHING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:39 > 0:04:43Oh, boo and boo.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46"This is prosecco, and this is real champagne..."
0:04:46 > 0:04:48"I'm not telling you again!"
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Otters.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- Otters.- I'd vote, yeah.- Otters lying on their backs, playing with stones.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Sea otters.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58It makes me happy.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02Yeah, if you see an otter, you just feel happy.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05I think if every home had an otter...
0:05:05 > 0:05:11"An otter in every house. I promise!"
0:05:11 > 0:05:16If one's empirical about this, and said "Which do we think might be the happiest country on Earth?"
0:05:16 > 0:05:18Do you think there's ever been any agreement?
0:05:18 > 0:05:20The Otter-man Empire?
0:05:20 > 0:05:22LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:05:22 > 0:05:23Up it goes.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Very good.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29That was good.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32One of the things that appears to be a great index of happiness
0:05:32 > 0:05:38is not wealth itself, but a lack of huge disparity between rich and poor.
0:05:38 > 0:05:44In countries where really there isn't much of a gap of that sort of nature...
0:05:44 > 0:05:46That's a famous sketch, you may remember, from TW3
0:05:46 > 0:05:49with John Cleese and Ronnie Barker and Ronnie Corbett.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52But where there isn't that kind of differential,
0:05:52 > 0:05:54it seems people are happier.
0:05:54 > 0:05:58Even in the last 13 or 14 years in Britain,
0:05:58 > 0:06:05the gap has widened considerably, 10% since '97 when John Major's government ended.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07The gap between rich and poor has widened.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10It's very difficult. How do you measure happiness?
0:06:10 > 0:06:11Do you ask people if they're happy?
0:06:11 > 0:06:14And are they reliable guides of their own happiness?
0:06:14 > 0:06:19- The things they do to each other will tell you whether they're happy or not.- That's a very good...
0:06:19 > 0:06:22Happy people are less inclined to glass people in pubs.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26- Yeah.- There's no unit of happiness, is there? That's the problem.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28No international unit of...
0:06:28 > 0:06:30No feliciton, no.
0:06:30 > 0:06:35There are apparently ways of measuring happiness, but none of them is particularly reliable.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39An interesting thing is that if you take someone
0:06:39 > 0:06:42who's got enormous reason, apparently, to be very happy,
0:06:42 > 0:06:44say they've just won the pools or the lottery -
0:06:44 > 0:06:46this was a test that was done in 1978 -
0:06:46 > 0:06:51and someone who'd had a catastrophic car crash that might have paralysed them.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55Obviously, at the time, one is extremely happy and the other unbelievably unhappy,
0:06:55 > 0:07:02but within a very short time they both level out and return to the same state they were in before.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04- So people have a bedrock level of... - They kind of do.
0:07:04 > 0:07:11Yeah. Bhutan was the first country to have a gross measure of happiness, the GNH.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- Gross National Happiness. - No television there, do they?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17They didn't for a very long time, or traffic lights.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21The king declared happiness of the people the guiding goal of development,
0:07:21 > 0:07:25and he banned unhappy TV shows, amongst other things.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- Traffic lights never make you happy, do they?- No, they don't.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32- And they tried it in Slough. - No traffic lights and no television?
0:07:32 > 0:07:35No, they tried... It was called Making Slough Happy,
0:07:35 > 0:07:40including such things as doing good turns, laughing daily and watching less television,
0:07:40 > 0:07:46which resulted in a 33% upswing in their Life Satisfaction Index.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49I think one of the important things would be to get rid of the name Slough.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52I fear you're right. It's not a very happy name, is it?
0:07:52 > 0:07:54They should change it to Yippee!
0:07:54 > 0:07:57The weird thing is, that would probably work.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00"Where are you from?" "Yippee!"
0:08:00 > 0:08:04"Where do you live?" "Yippee!" It would be fantastic. What a brilliant idea.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- Yippee, Berks.- Yeah.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Brilliant. Staines is quite close. Staines...
0:08:10 > 0:08:12LAUGHTER
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- It's not right. - We call Staines Woo-hoo!
0:08:15 > 0:08:17Yeah. Yippee and Woo-hoo!
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- Hull. Bad...- Hull?
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Yeah.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- Hot-Diggedy would be a good name for it.- Hot-Diggedy for Hull.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Brilliant! This is a superb movement.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30This really could make a difference, because we're human beings.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31We respond emotionally to things.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35It may seem trivial, but wouldn't that be great if you lived in Hot-Diggedy?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Hot Diggedy, right outside of Zippedy-Do-Dah.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41LAUGHTER
0:08:41 > 0:08:43The only trouble is when there's an accident there,
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- and the newsreader has to say... - LAUGHTER
0:08:47 > 0:08:50"The bus turned over in Hot-Diggedy, and..."
0:08:50 > 0:08:54It's like a headline I saw in Ireland. "Cork man drowns."
0:08:54 > 0:08:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Oh, happiness, happiness!
0:09:07 > 0:09:09You know what?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11You guys are bending the needle.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13His name was Bob. Come on!
0:09:13 > 0:09:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Well, well.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23Wow. I think I've won this. I'm not going to answer another question.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28All the surveys indicate that economic equality
0:09:28 > 0:09:31is what promotes the greatest good for the greatest number.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34The other things that make us happy, of course, are friends.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36But how many real friends do you have?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38RICH: Just one. James Taylor.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40LAUGHTER
0:09:40 > 0:09:43One friend you have in him, yeah.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- ANDY: I've got to four.- Four friends. You've counted, have you?
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Actually, I'm not sure about him.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53He once spiked my drinks and stole my trousers when I was...
0:09:53 > 0:09:57- Definitely cross him out. - He's coming off the list. - Which did he do first?
0:09:57 > 0:09:59LAUGHTER
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Drinks first, Phill.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04I don't know, maybe he's agile.
0:10:04 > 0:10:09We say that a friend will come over to your house and help you move,
0:10:09 > 0:10:11and a good friend will help you move a body.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14That's good.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17I have two good friends.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19LAUGHTER
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Oh! Rich!
0:10:22 > 0:10:26That's disturbing. There is this thing called a Dunbar number. Does that mean anything to you?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Yeah, it's about 100 and something.
0:10:28 > 0:10:33You're right. There was a professor of evolutionary anthropology at Oxford University called Dunbar,
0:10:33 > 0:10:37who calculated, if calculation is the right word,
0:10:37 > 0:10:39that we can't have more than 150 friends.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43- And obviously some of us have a very high doctrine of friends...- 150?
0:10:43 > 0:10:47- Yeah. He defines it this way. - I don't even know 150 people.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49It's a network.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- I thought he was going to say five. - Well, I know what you mean.
0:10:52 > 0:10:53He defines this friendly network
0:10:53 > 0:10:58as "containing the people you wouldn't feel embarrassed to join at the bar
0:10:58 > 0:11:03"in the transit lounge of Hong Kong airport at 3am."
0:11:03 > 0:11:04LAUGHTER
0:11:04 > 0:11:07Ah, there are thousands of them(!)
0:11:07 > 0:11:12I was going to say, I've never been embarrassed to join anyone at a bar in my life.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14It's a peculiar definition. It's an odd one.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- Is there something about this particular transit lounge? - I don't know!
0:11:17 > 0:11:22But 150 does turn out to be quite a special number amongst peoples and groups.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25It's the average size of traditional hunter-gatherer communities,
0:11:25 > 0:11:30religious groups such as the Amish, and English villages at the time of the Domesday Book.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32It also occurs all over the modern world.
0:11:32 > 0:11:38It's the number of Christmas cards the average person sends, apparently, 150.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42The size of a company in all modern armies is 150, as opposed to a battalion or platoon.
0:11:42 > 0:11:47And it's also close to the average number of friends people have on Facebook, which is 130-odd.
0:11:47 > 0:11:52So it is a strangely... It seems to be the number beyond which it's too many,
0:11:52 > 0:11:55and any less than that is a closer friend.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59- When we say friend we mean someone, as you say...- We like.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01- Who'll bury a body for you.- Yes.
0:12:01 > 0:12:06- Are you all on Facebook? No? - I don't really go on the computer.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09I read a prediction the other day that said, at the current rate,
0:12:09 > 0:12:14in ten years' time, one in three marriages in America will be people who met on-line.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16It's already one in eight.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- That's amazing, isn't it?- Oh, God. - Is that bad?
0:12:18 > 0:12:20You just fill out a lot of forms, don't you?
0:12:20 > 0:12:26- "Here's everything I like." - No, they don't necessarily meet on dating sites. Some will be, I agree.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- ANDY: How do you meet if you're not on a dating site?- Join a group.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30You join a group?
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- You join a Facebook group with like-minded people.- Oh, right.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35They send you witty remarks.
0:12:35 > 0:12:38Eventually, you send them a photograph of your genitals.
0:12:38 > 0:12:39Yes!
0:12:39 > 0:12:41You know!
0:12:41 > 0:12:42Whoa!
0:12:42 > 0:12:44LAUGHING AND CHEERING
0:12:48 > 0:12:52Well, Alan, that's the most popular so far, the genitals.
0:12:52 > 0:12:53Photograph of the genitals.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57- So it's just like a normal courtship, then? But done digitally?- Yeah.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Yeah. Exactly.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I feel quite bad for the Amish in this situation,
0:13:02 > 0:13:05because they're not going to meet people on Facebook, are they?
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Unless we create an Amish Facebook where you write everything about yourself on a sheet of paper,
0:13:09 > 0:13:12and put it in a barrel in the middle of the village.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15Which people can just dip in and out of, you know.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17"Ah, raised a barn today. LOL."
0:13:17 > 0:13:21LAUGHTER
0:13:23 > 0:13:24And they have AMG -
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Ach, mein Gott!
0:13:27 > 0:13:29LAUGHTER
0:13:29 > 0:13:33Now, how can you tell if a friend is really pleased to see you?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Oh, well...
0:13:35 > 0:13:36LAUGHTER
0:13:36 > 0:13:40I would guess from the picture that your teeth expand.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43LAUGHTER
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Pupils dilating, something like that?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Or they let off a pheromone? Something happens?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Well, it's interpretation of the smile.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Oh. So if you're going...you're not?
0:13:52 > 0:13:57Yeah. And it's become sort of almost a cliche for us to say that they don't smile with their eyes,
0:13:57 > 0:14:00but this wasn't known about until the 19th century.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04There was a Frenchman who had nothing better to do than to electrocute people's faces
0:14:04 > 0:14:08in order to make their lips turn upwards without their eyes moving.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10There we are.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12LAUGHTER
0:14:12 > 0:14:16That's what he liked to do.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- It's a job!- He's only ten years old, that boy.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24"As you can't have real sideburns, have these electric ones."
0:14:24 > 0:14:31His name was Guillaume Duchenne, and he defined a true smile as having to involve the face and the eyes.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34And what he discovered was that you can't control your eyes,
0:14:34 > 0:14:36you can't make your eyes smile.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39It's involuntary, whereas you can make your lips smile.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42These are some rather horrifying attempts
0:14:42 > 0:14:44to try and make people smile!
0:14:44 > 0:14:47These are all the QI researchers,
0:14:47 > 0:14:50- bending over backwards for the show. - It's disturbing.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Couldn't he get a different volunteer?
0:14:54 > 0:14:55LAUGHTER
0:14:55 > 0:14:59Poor Barry! Day 60 - "Aaargh!"
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Day 61 - "Gaarh!"
0:15:02 > 0:15:08The second one from the bottom, it looks like the bloke's come at him from a different side.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10He's been surprised as well.
0:15:10 > 0:15:15Yeah, there is actually, Andy, a third probe you can't see.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17LAUGHTER
0:15:17 > 0:15:20Mr Duchenne actually gave them numbers. So 58 is,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23"I forgot my mother's birthday."
0:15:23 > 0:15:26"61, left the gas on."
0:15:26 > 0:15:27That's not left the gas on,
0:15:27 > 0:15:30that's "I've just trodden on a cat and it's died."
0:15:30 > 0:15:35LAUGHTER
0:15:35 > 0:15:38The real smile is called the Duchenne smile,
0:15:38 > 0:15:43and with only the mouth smiling, it's known in the trade of happiness studies, gelotology,
0:15:43 > 0:15:45- it's know as...- A Gordon Brown.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:53 > 0:15:57No, a false smile is known in the trade as a Pan Am smile.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00because that was the airline, since defunct, of course,
0:16:00 > 0:16:06where it was considered they had the stewardesses who had the most plasticky false smiles,
0:16:06 > 0:16:08- where the eyes are not smiling.- Oh.
0:16:08 > 0:16:15The Gordon Brown smile, the weird thing about it was you'd see the moment where he'd decide to smile,
0:16:15 > 0:16:18and that is the... That kills any smile.
0:16:18 > 0:16:23You actually see... You hear a "clunk", and then there's a smile.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- You know it's not natural. - Yes, I agree.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28- Meanwhile, the girl on the left. - Yeah.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Is she wearing anything under her coat?
0:16:31 > 0:16:36So, if somebody's really pleased to see you, you can see it in their eyes.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40So, what would you do to a waiter who drew a smiley face on your bill?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- I'm not a fan of the smiley face. - No?
0:16:42 > 0:16:45- I don't mind them introducing themselves.- Right.
0:16:45 > 0:16:49The weird thing is, a waiter goes, "Hi, I'm Stephen, I'm your waiter."
0:16:49 > 0:16:52If you call them Stephen for the rest of the night, "Stephen,"
0:16:52 > 0:16:56and they come up, they get quite annoyed about halfway through the main course.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58"Stephen, this meal is really good."
0:16:58 > 0:17:01You tell them lots of things and use their name all the time,
0:17:01 > 0:17:04then you get a sad face on your bill.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- LAUGHTER - It's like personalised numberplates.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10If you ever see a car go by and it's got REG on it and he gets out,
0:17:10 > 0:17:13and you go, "All right, Reg?" they don't like it.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14They're idiots, then, aren't they?
0:17:14 > 0:17:19I have a friend who's a producer on Broadway, and when he's in Joe Allen's, an actors' restaurant,
0:17:19 > 0:17:23and he wants attention at the table, he goes, "Oh, actor,"
0:17:23 > 0:17:25which is very mean.
0:17:25 > 0:17:26- How rude.- Very rude, isn't it?
0:17:26 > 0:17:30The stewardesses don't like that on planes when you go, "Nurse!"
0:17:30 > 0:17:32LAUGHTER
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Hate it.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36I shouldn't have even said "stewardess". What are they now?
0:17:36 > 0:17:37Is it cabin crew? Something?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39ANDY: Attendants. RICH: Attendant.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Cabin crew! - Cabin crew?- Cabin crew!
0:17:42 > 0:17:46You work out of Stansted, don't you? I'd recognise that accent anywhere.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Oh, we're pushing the needle!
0:17:55 > 0:17:57We can't see the needle!
0:17:57 > 0:17:59It's going up.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02You've obviously commanded them to applaud in this way.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05This must be what it was like in Soviet Russia.
0:18:05 > 0:18:10Every time they went to anything, "Aaah! Yes! Clap! Laugh!
0:18:10 > 0:18:13"I can see the guns!"
0:18:13 > 0:18:17You weren't allowed to be the first one to stop clapping, were you?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19That would get you sent to the gulag,
0:18:19 > 0:18:22so they would just clap for hours and hours and hours!
0:18:22 > 0:18:25A nation of people with bloody stumps!
0:18:27 > 0:18:30Oi! Oi!
0:18:30 > 0:18:34Does the smiley face mean the waiter's pleased with what you've done,
0:18:34 > 0:18:36the way you've conducted yourself?
0:18:36 > 0:18:38It's a way of getting a bigger tip.
0:18:38 > 0:18:40- And weirdly, it works.- It works?
0:18:40 > 0:18:44- Yeah.- ANDY: They should draw little otters, that would be better.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46- On their backs, playing with stones. - Yeah.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50Does that really work? Are you saying that gets a bigger tip?
0:18:50 > 0:18:54Yep. Drawing a smiley face, introducing your name, telling a joke, apparently.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57How about decent service?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00I don't think they've ever thought of that. Might work.
0:19:00 > 0:19:06Is that a suitable tip? If it is, I'm going to change everything. That's fantastic. £1.30.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- Which is the nation of biggest tippers?- America, is it?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11America, yeah.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- What's considered the...- 20%.
0:19:13 > 0:19:1420%?
0:19:14 > 0:19:19But if it's bad service you take the tip and you put it in a glass of water and turn it upside down,
0:19:19 > 0:19:20and leave it on the table.
0:19:20 > 0:19:26But you still leave it. If you leave an American restaurant without tipping, the waiter will chase you.
0:19:26 > 0:19:30- Oh, sure.- They'll run down the street after you and say, "Sir, you didn't tip." They really will.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34They take your money and say, "Will there be any change with that?"
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Yes, I think you'll find that's a 100 bill and I've just had a cup of tea.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40LAUGHTER
0:19:40 > 0:19:42But what do we think in Britain is right?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- ANDY: 10%.- 10%.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48But the average left in British restaurants is apparently 8.5%.
0:19:48 > 0:19:49Tight bastards.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51What's the matter with you people?
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Out of the Welsh and the English in Britain who are the bigger tippers?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- I'll go Welsh.- Yes, they are.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- The English are the worst tippers in the UK.- I'm not surprised by that!
0:20:00 > 0:20:04- No, I'm not either.- The English resent tipping.- They do, don't they?
0:20:04 > 0:20:07I don't think it's that they resent tipping.
0:20:07 > 0:20:09I think they can't be bothered to do the maths.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11- LAUGHTER - Probably right!
0:20:11 > 0:20:12That's what they resent...
0:20:12 > 0:20:15"10% of 80p, that's what?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17"Er, 5p..."
0:20:17 > 0:20:21Here's the thing that counts against national happiness,
0:20:21 > 0:20:25- the process of splitting the bill with the bastard at the end.- Yes.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27"Oh, I only had a beer and a salad,"
0:20:27 > 0:20:31with the drunk at the other end who's had nine white Russians.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32LAUGHTER
0:20:32 > 0:20:36- DRUNKENLY:- "Let's just split it, yeah?"
0:20:36 > 0:20:38LAUGHTER
0:20:38 > 0:20:41It's true! It's so true.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45One day, you'll be the one who's had the nine white Russians. It all comes around.
0:20:45 > 0:20:50If a waiter draws a smiley face on your bill, you might well leave a bigger tip.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Where did Florence Nightingale do her most important work?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- Hospital.- Where?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- In a hospital.- In a hostel or a hospital?- A hospital.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02- Hospital.- I think this was in her bed.- Yes, you're right!
0:21:02 > 0:21:05You know a bit about her, clearly.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07I think Florence Nightingale came back from the Crimea
0:21:07 > 0:21:11where she'd done a lot of good stuff, and then she took to her bed
0:21:11 > 0:21:14in a rather sort of attention-seeking way,
0:21:14 > 0:21:17and was a bit of a pain the arse I suspect, but she made
0:21:17 > 0:21:19the great and the good come to her bedside.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22She was such an icon and she founded...
0:21:22 > 0:21:26I mean, British nursing was sort of founded by...
0:21:26 > 0:21:29The odd thing is you said in the Crimea, having done a lot of good,
0:21:29 > 0:21:31the strange thing is she felt she didn't do any good.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33She's right, she didn't.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35You were three times more likely to die in Scutari, the hospital she ran
0:21:35 > 0:21:40than you were in a rough field hospital, because there was so much infection.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43It was a disastrous place and there were reports that showed
0:21:43 > 0:21:47that the outcome of all the patients under her care was terrible.
0:21:47 > 0:21:51She thought this report would expose her and she was ashamed in fact,
0:21:51 > 0:21:56and she kind of had a decline. It wasn't anything other than just
0:21:56 > 0:21:59she thought her life, her career and her reputation was over.
0:21:59 > 0:22:04Went home, went to bed and stayed in bed, but she lived, as you say, over 50 years in bed.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07She would awaken and start work at five, writing letters
0:22:07 > 0:22:10and campaigning and doing all the good that she then did
0:22:10 > 0:22:12in laying down standards of cleanliness.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16But it was really to expiate the failure of her work in the Crimea,
0:22:16 > 0:22:20- which is quite surprising I think. - Yeah.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23But if ignorance is bliss, then prepare for a torrent of pleasure.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27It's time for General Ignorance. Fingers on buzzers.
0:22:27 > 0:22:32What is Africa's dominant animal predator?
0:22:34 > 0:22:37By dominant, do we mean the one that kills the most things?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Kills the most other animals?
0:22:40 > 0:22:41Yeah.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- I guess, as a predator.- Hyena.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45Is the right answer!
0:22:45 > 0:22:49APPLAUSE
0:22:53 > 0:22:56You're on fire!
0:22:56 > 0:22:58No, because I watched something
0:22:58 > 0:23:01where David Attenborough said, "The hyena is the biggest killer..."
0:23:01 > 0:23:05Most people might think it was the lion as the most dominant.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Obviously mosquitoes kill more humans.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09But lions are lazy buggers.
0:23:09 > 0:23:15They are. It's much more likely that a lion will scavenge the kill of a hyena than the hyena that of a lion.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19We think of hyenas as sloping away like jackals,
0:23:19 > 0:23:22but they're very intelligent.
0:23:22 > 0:23:23There they are - spotty.
0:23:23 > 0:23:26You wouldn't want one round the house, necessarily.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29- You wouldn't want to be chased by a pack of them.- No, you wouldn't.
0:23:29 > 0:23:35What's with the laughter - they laugh. What's that about? What does the laugh mean?
0:23:35 > 0:23:37They're communicating.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40It's a particular thing they're communicating.
0:23:40 > 0:23:45They're watching Mr Bean. It's popular in every country in the world - why wouldn't they like it?
0:23:45 > 0:23:49I think they're laughing cos they're remembering something that happened earlier.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53Oh, yes. It's actually clan submissiveness, supposedly. Would you like to hear it?
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Like to hear a hyena laugh?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Are you going to bring one in?
0:23:58 > 0:24:02HYENA LAUGHS
0:24:05 > 0:24:06It's a good noise.
0:24:06 > 0:24:11Do you know as an acting trick - if you are asked to laugh, some people find it very difficult.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15And it's terrible if it sounds false. Ha-ha!
0:24:15 > 0:24:18But a simple physical technique is...
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Holding your breath.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24- No.- No, it's the opposite. What you have to do is empty your lungs.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25- What most people do is go... - HE INHALES
0:24:25 > 0:24:29..then ha-ha! and it sounds false. But if you empty your lungs...
0:24:29 > 0:24:31HE LAUGHS BREATHLESSLY
0:24:31 > 0:24:35When people are seriously laughing, their breath...
0:24:36 > 0:24:39So what is the £5 note made from?
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Paper.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Let's just get that one out the way.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Er, it's made out of money.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57- No, cotton and linen.- Oh.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- Not made from wood at all. - Money isn't made of paper?
0:25:00 > 0:25:03No tree had any part in the making of your £5 note.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07Which is surprising. But it's not very funny.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10But I thought you'd like to know.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13I just find it extraordinary.
0:25:13 > 0:25:18- Do you? Thank you.- It sounds like paper when you tear it up and laugh in the waiter's face.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25That's for the smiley face.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27"Steven."
0:25:27 > 0:25:31- Apparently called Steven, but you were saying it with a V, I could tell.- Yeah, totally.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34Well done, that's right. Nothing more to say. Bank notes are made
0:25:34 > 0:25:38from cotton or linen, because wood-based paper is far too fragile.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42But what happens to your general mood as you get older?
0:25:44 > 0:25:46LAUGHTER
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- You become more...sedated. - Oh, there's Phill again, look.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53- Um, I think... - You don't get grumpier.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55No, I think you get happier.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58There was a thing in the paper a while back,
0:25:58 > 0:26:03surprisingly showing people around the age of 81 were really happy.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07Presumably, that's just smugness. You think, "I've made it to 81."
0:26:07 > 0:26:09So, I don't know.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Nothing. No change.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Well, essentially, you just stay much as you were.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Your general disposition seems to be more or less fixed.
0:26:16 > 0:26:21- Except you wear a newspaper on your head.- Yes, the actual behaviour can be a little strange.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25But the idea that men become grumpy or women become grumpy is nonsense.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28I've read that, so I'll put that there.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32There's been the Baltimore Longitudinal Study of Ageing, which has been running since '58...
0:26:32 > 0:26:36- It's one of my favourite studies of ageing.- It's one of the best. And it's shattered a number of myths
0:26:36 > 0:26:41about the ageing process, including the belief that people become more depressed and cranky
0:26:41 > 0:26:44or withdrawn or rigid or bad-tempered as they age.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48In fact, adults change little after 30 in those terms.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51The grumpy old git probably used to be a grumpy young git.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54Now it's time to separate the cheer from the gloom
0:26:54 > 0:26:58as we consider the scores. Oh, good gracious me.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02In the lead, with a magnificent four points, it's Phill Jupitus!
0:27:02 > 0:27:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Very happy score. And...
0:27:11 > 0:27:16In second place with a very positive one point, Rich Hall!
0:27:16 > 0:27:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:23 > 0:27:27And despite his brilliance, in third place with minus 15 - Andy Hamilton.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:33 > 0:27:38- I know.- Unhappily, at minus 35 - Alan Davies.- Thank you.
0:27:38 > 0:27:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:46 > 0:27:49It only remains for me to thank Rich, Phill, Andy and Alan
0:27:49 > 0:27:54and to leave you with this. At a dinner for Sir Harold and Lady MacMillan, hosted by the de Gaulles
0:27:54 > 0:27:58at the Elysee Palace, Lady Dorothy asked Madame de Gaulle if,
0:27:58 > 0:28:02after all her husband's many achievements, there was anything she still wanted.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06"Yes," said the First Lady of France. "A penis."
0:28:06 > 0:28:10At which, the General leaned over and whispered discreetly,
0:28:10 > 0:28:14"No, my dear, in English, it is pronounced happiness."
0:28:14 > 0:28:15Goodnight.
0:28:15 > 0:28:18APPLAUSE
0:28:34 > 0:28:37Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:37 > 0:28:40E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk