0:00:24 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Good evening.
0:00:34 > 0:00:36Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.
0:00:36 > 0:00:40Hello, and how do you do?
0:00:40 > 0:00:42We'll be staying in tonight, ladies and gentlemen,
0:00:42 > 0:00:46for a quite interesting look at house and home.
0:00:46 > 0:00:52So, let's see who's "in da house," as my father likes to say.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54We have, very much at home, Danny Baker!
0:00:54 > 0:00:57Thank you.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59APPLAUSE
0:00:59 > 0:01:01And hitting a home run, Eddie Izzard.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:08And a beautifully streamlined homing pigeon, Bill Bailey.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10APPLAUSE
0:01:12 > 0:01:15And late with his homework again, my homeboy, Alan Davies.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17APPLAUSE
0:01:21 > 0:01:26Well, should my house guests need to attract my attention
0:01:26 > 0:01:28they'll need to ring my chimes. Danny goes...
0:01:28 > 0:01:30SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:01:30 > 0:01:31And Eddie goes...
0:01:31 > 0:01:33DOOR BELL RINGS
0:01:33 > 0:01:35And Bill goes...
0:01:35 > 0:01:37BELLS RING A TUNE
0:01:37 > 0:01:39And Alan goes...
0:01:39 > 0:01:41KNOCKING 'Hello? Only me!'
0:01:44 > 0:01:46So, eyes down, please, for a full house.
0:01:46 > 0:01:51Now here's a lovely, homely picture of a modern family.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53But of course they're all rather concerned
0:01:53 > 0:01:55about their ecological footprint.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Now how can they legally reduce it the most?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02- What is the biggest thing they can do?- Stop breathing.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Stop, er, breathing.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Yes, and defecating.
0:02:06 > 0:02:07DOOR BELL RINGS
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- Are we using these? - No, we never use them.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13- It's sort of...- Come in!- Hello!
0:02:13 > 0:02:17I mean legally, and if you like, biologically viably.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19- Oh right.- Biologically viably?
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- Yeah, and legally. I mean, it's not...- How many more...
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- Go vegetarian.- ..little things are you going to add on to this question?
0:02:25 > 0:02:30- Well...- OK, I'll trigger the screen. - Go on.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- Don't drive, car.- Oh no.- Yes!
0:02:32 > 0:02:36That is not the biggest way they could help the environment,
0:02:36 > 0:02:38that particular family.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42- Insulating your home.- That would be reasonable, but getting rid of the car would be better.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I know. Eat the dog! RINGS BELL
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Yes!
0:02:46 > 0:02:47Yes!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Or get rid of the dog.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52The dog is by far and away the most ecologically...
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Never turns the lights off, leaves the telly on all night.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57LAUGHTER
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Keeping a dog is the equivalent to two Toyota Land cruisers.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- What?- Yeah, right.- No!
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Yes, everyone in the audience is going, "what?".
0:03:06 > 0:03:10- There's a simple reason.- I'm getting rid of both of my Land Cruisers.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12And that is the meat it eats.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- It's that simple.- Oh, yeah.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16It seems a unfair to put it on the dog. I eat meat.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Yes, but you can't get rid of a human being without being illegal.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22That's why I said legally. You can get rid of a dog.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25It may be unkind, but that's the point of the question.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Can you do it? Oh, you could just have it put down.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Yeah, legally, not ethically.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Not ethically, no. Definitely not ethically.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35But it was there to surprise you. It is a shock.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Even a cat, one cat, one little cat,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42is the equivalent to a Volkswagen Golf.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45And I'm including the manufacture of the car
0:03:45 > 0:03:46as well as the use of the car.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50- Wow. So, Stephen, just on a purely technical point...- Yes.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52I've got four dogs, right.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Oh, you!
0:03:55 > 0:03:56You're killing us all!
0:03:56 > 0:03:59Kill your dogs, will you!? I can hardly breathe!
0:03:59 > 0:04:01The planet's warming!
0:04:01 > 0:04:05I want to know, what kind of fleet of vehicles I can now own.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I'm really keen to know.
0:04:10 > 0:04:11- Eight Land Cruisers.- Yes!
0:04:11 > 0:04:14You could have a lot of land cruisers.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16You'd be like Mad Max. You could go across deserts.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19If you had a bison you could have a Chieftain tank.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23- If they ate veg is it better?- They are just born to eat meat, I fear.
0:04:23 > 0:04:28- Well our dogs eat rice.- They will eat it, but not without meat.
0:04:28 > 0:04:33- They'll eat it grudgingly. - You leave out a Battenburg and that'll disappear instantly.
0:04:33 > 0:04:39They had a whole tin of Quality Street, one Christmas, and they took all the wrappers off. Unbelievable.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41Yeah, they unwrapped the sweets, the Alsatians.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Did they look through the cellophane and go, "It's all yellow!"
0:04:44 > 0:04:48That's how we got them. They had cellophane over their eyes like that, "wow, man."
0:04:48 > 0:04:50A little bit of green foil under their claws.
0:04:50 > 0:04:56- Yes.- The thing is, I've got four dogs, two cats, birds, fish, rabbit,
0:04:56 > 0:04:59guinea pig - I could probably get like a jet or something.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03You probably are using the equivalent of a jet. It's quite serious.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- Really?- I can give you the figures.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09It takes 43 square metres of land to generate one kilogram of chicken,
0:05:09 > 0:05:11much more for other meats.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15But only 13 per kilo of cereal, you see?
0:05:15 > 0:05:19So someone worked out how much it took, and it's two Land Cruisers per
0:05:19 > 0:05:23dog, much more for German shepherds, for example, which eat a lot more.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25If you kept two hamsters,
0:05:25 > 0:05:29that's the same energy footprint as a plasma television.
0:05:31 > 0:05:36And unfortunately, no, hamsters going round on a wheel will not power the plasma television.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40Is this some kind of Dr Dolittle death list your reading from?
0:05:40 > 0:05:43How many pets have you got to get rid of to get a speedboat?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46They're not green shield stamps, you know!
0:05:46 > 0:05:49That's what they are in my mind, now.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Nectar points!
0:05:51 > 0:05:53One dolphin.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Oh don't, bless the dolphins.
0:05:55 > 0:06:00The ecological footprint is a measure of the amount of land needed
0:06:00 > 0:06:04to regenerate consumed resources and deal with the resultant waste.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Current figures calculated by the United Nations
0:06:07 > 0:06:12are that we are using 1.4 times more than the planet can restore.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16- The thing is...- Yes? - We evolved from this planet,
0:06:16 > 0:06:20we are of this planet, we live on this planet,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- so can't we do what we like? - Yeah, absolutely.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27We are victims of our own evolution, I happen to have come in at this point.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Now I have to turn the out and I can't see where I'm going when I go to bed.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33But we appear to be the first creatures
0:06:33 > 0:06:36to have evolved to have a knowledge of what we're doing.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40- Consciousness, that's what we've got. - That's where we went wrong.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43We also kill each other in huge quantities, that's a good thing.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47Maybe we should big ourselves up sometimes.
0:06:47 > 0:06:52- Last year thousands of people were killed in wars, thousands of people. - That's right.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55That's the ecological paw print, and it's a bit of a shocker for us all.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59But having children is even more disastrous than having dogs.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01Unless they start wars.
0:07:01 > 0:07:03Unless they start wars.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07But as long as it's killing Nazis then we're a kind of cool with that.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10- And Hitler had a dog. - He did, and he killed it!
0:07:10 > 0:07:14If you're going to have a war, use animals as weapons and that'll get rid of a few.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18If you've got a mortar, chuck a few guinea-pigs down a mortar, phoom!
0:07:21 > 0:07:25- That's half a plasma screen already. - Exactly.- Yeah, brilliant.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Yes, but the one thing about evolution, evolution has never developed an animal with a wheel.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32And you would have thought by now,
0:07:32 > 0:07:36because they must have seen the car or the bike by now,
0:07:36 > 0:07:40but evolution if it's going anywhere, no animal has a wheel.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- The paw's better than the wheel. - A what?- A paw.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44It's much better than a wheel.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47The Daleks proved this, Daleks couldn't go upstairs.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49- Now they fly! - We invented the wheel then
0:07:49 > 0:07:54- after the wheel we had to invent the road and the railway line and things to put the wheel on.- That's true.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Had nature given us roads, then a wheel might well have been a good evolution.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Where we're going, we don't need roads.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02How come some fish fly and we don't?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Yeah. So...
0:08:07 > 0:08:10What about a Blueray player? What are they, a mouse or something?
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- I think a Blueray player would be probably a gerbil.- Gerbil, right.
0:08:19 > 0:08:24- A gecko would be an iPad. - Nice! Oh, yes!
0:08:24 > 0:08:28The most ecological would be the worm, because the worm eats us.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31And you cut it in two and you've got four. No, two.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- That's a conjoined worm, of course. - You cut two in two you get four.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39You're doing wonderfully, thank you all very much.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42So there you are, yes, a medium-sized dog has a bigger
0:08:42 > 0:08:45ecological footprint than a large car, so draw your own conclusions.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Now many things can influence the value of the house,
0:08:48 > 0:08:54but what instantly reduces the value of a house in America by a third?
0:08:54 > 0:08:56OJ Simpson lived there.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00- A third.- Third.- Third.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02LAUGHTER
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Third...
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Is it a tornado cutting it in...two thirds?
0:09:07 > 0:09:08LAUGHTER
0:09:08 > 0:09:13Two thirds of it is on one side of the San Andreas fault...
0:09:13 > 0:09:18I may say, what it is, is nonsense, but it's the kind of a nonsense
0:09:18 > 0:09:21that Americans, unfortunately, seem to believe in.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- Whether or not it's near to a drive-in?- Portal to hell?
0:09:24 > 0:09:28- Well, kind of. - It's buried on a graveyard?- Haunted!
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Haunted is the right answer. Haunted.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Obviously it won't be haunted because...
0:09:32 > 0:09:34There's no such thing as ghosts.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Exactly. But, the point is the stigma of haunting is enough.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40If it's merely mentioned or that people seem to believe
0:09:40 > 0:09:43there are ghosts there, then it will reduce...
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Have they told you about the haunting?
0:09:45 > 0:09:49- They told you about the ghost? - There should be ghosts everywhere.
0:09:49 > 0:09:54- There should be dinosaur ghosts, cows ghosts, sheep ghosts, worm ghosts...
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Yeah, dinosaur ghosts, that's a brilliant idea!
0:09:57 > 0:09:59There should be stromatolites ghosts...
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- Exactly.- The most plausible thing I ever heard on the ghost front
0:10:02 > 0:10:05is the idea it can be the atmospheric thing like
0:10:05 > 0:10:10a lightning bolt, it's because of a peculiarity and a magnetic force.
0:10:10 > 0:10:14These people are unaware they're ghosts and that's why
0:10:14 > 0:10:19they appear to walk through doors because as far as they're concerned, the door isn't there...
0:10:19 > 0:10:21and I can kind of buy that!
0:10:21 > 0:10:23I can buy that brains are affected by magnetic fields
0:10:23 > 0:10:27and there are certain circumstances where it's common for people to feel
0:10:27 > 0:10:32chill and dread and to hallucinate and indeed to die
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- and this is quite common... - Yeah, what a night that was.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38That's carbon monoxide poisoning.
0:10:38 > 0:10:44- Oh!- From gas boilers and so on and it causes all those symptoms.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47As for dead people coming back...
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- There should be dead cows. - I so agree with you!
0:10:49 > 0:10:51The Meatpacking District in New York.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54Yeah, why do you draw the line? Suddenly it's only human beings.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57Because if you pass a field and you see a cow,
0:10:57 > 0:11:00you don't say, "That's a ghost!".
0:11:00 > 0:11:02If you saw one in your house, you would.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Yeah, but cows aren't going to be in the house.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09- They are because...- Houses are built on all kinds of pieces of land.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12I'm not advocating for the Ghost Party over here but...
0:11:13 > 0:11:17I love the idea of a Ghost Party. Woooh!
0:11:17 > 0:11:21The other parties are just scaremongering.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Very good.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28First appearance of the pipe.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31The pipe in high-definition for the first time.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34What happened to pipes?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- That's where they went. - I love pipes.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Would you like to meet the last ever winner of the pipe-smoker of the year?
0:11:40 > 0:11:41AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yes!
0:11:41 > 0:11:43How do you do!
0:11:43 > 0:11:44I answered no!
0:11:44 > 0:11:46You're a pipe-smoker?
0:11:46 > 0:11:50The first QI was about to start and I was asked to some press for it
0:11:50 > 0:11:53and I left the house to go to this interview
0:11:53 > 0:11:55and I realised I had no cigarettes -
0:11:55 > 0:11:59in those days I was a smoker - and I just saw a pipe
0:11:59 > 0:12:02and some tobacco and I put it in my pocket.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05You saw a pipe just lying there in the street?
0:12:05 > 0:12:09No, in my house! Two days after the Independent article opened,
0:12:09 > 0:12:11I was asked if I would be the pipe-smoker of the year!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Did you accept?
0:12:13 > 0:12:16I said, yeah. Absolutely!
0:12:20 > 0:12:24It confers a kind of respectability, I think. Trustworthiness.
0:12:24 > 0:12:29I never think you can truly give directions without a pipe and that's why I envy you, Bill.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32Really! Could you tell me where the station is?
0:12:32 > 0:12:33What you do, you go down there...
0:12:34 > 0:12:37HE MUMBLES
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- And recognising a friend! Ah!- Ah!
0:12:42 > 0:12:43Great prop for that.
0:12:44 > 0:12:45Ah!
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Now a good haunting
0:12:48 > 0:12:51can knock a third off the value of an American house.
0:12:51 > 0:12:56Describe the arrangements for moving house in the fourth largest island in South America.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- The fourth...? - Largest island in South America.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05- Look at your tats.- I've got them covered up at the moment.
0:13:05 > 0:13:10I can tell you the third largest. They just get it in a van and go.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11What the hell is the fourth largest?
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Its name is Chiloe.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- That helps.- What?
0:13:16 > 0:13:20There are the people of Chiloe. It's off the coast of Chile.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Obviously they'll get a yak first. Two yaks.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Actually they called it a yunta, which is like a team of cattle.
0:13:26 > 0:13:33The point is, when they move house, they literally move house.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36If they have a haunting, if there's a bad spirit,
0:13:36 > 0:13:40rather than just leave the house and build a house somewhere else,
0:13:40 > 0:13:45they move the house thinking that the spirit will stay behind and I think we've got VT
0:13:45 > 0:13:48of them moving house. Here they go.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52That's the yunta, and they've got logs and there it goes.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57That's cos there's a ghost inside?
0:13:57 > 0:14:01- What if the ghost can travel with them?- Apparently the ghost doesn't.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02The ghost goes, "I'm still here!"
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Apparently it doesn't.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07The ghost gets left behind going, "What happened?"
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Do cows have any idea where they're going?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13Or are all the houses just at one end of the field?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Possibly.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20That is an adventure movie, isn't it? That just looks fantastic.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23It's Fitzcarraldo writ small.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25I think it's Die Hard with a cow.
0:14:25 > 0:14:32- Or the guy in the window's going, "I want to stay here!".- The person at the door's going, "What the hell?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34"I just came down because there was a rumbling."
0:14:34 > 0:14:36It's quite a sight.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Apparently tourists come from Chile to watch it.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42The ceremony is called the Minga.
0:14:42 > 0:14:47They have a great feast called the curanto and they dance a waltz.
0:14:47 > 0:14:52So, what kind of person builds a house out of straw?
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Not a...pig.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Damn you.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- Damn you for the "not" word.- A pig!
0:15:03 > 0:15:05ALARM
0:15:06 > 0:15:09- You just wanted to be spanked. - I just wanted to hear the sound.
0:15:09 > 0:15:13I've been making it myself watching - "wooohoooh!"
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Like some demented child.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18What kind of a person would build a house out of straw?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21A straw person would live in a straw house, for example, a scarecrow.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26When they weren't working out in the field.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Somewhere you could only get straw to make a house out of?
0:15:29 > 0:15:33- Yeah.- Does it have to be a person? Not a bird?
0:15:33 > 0:15:36The fact is it's an incredibly good building material for houses.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39There's almost nothing not to find remarkable about it.
0:15:39 > 0:15:44I was astonished by this. It's more fire-resistant than conventional buildings.
0:15:44 > 0:15:50You'd think it was a fire hazard but in fact the straw is so compacted, it just won't burn.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51There's no air in it.
0:15:51 > 0:15:56It's structurally sound and strong, it's resistant to earthquakes, inhospitable to insects
0:15:56 > 0:15:59and rodents, more so than wood, so particularly in America where
0:15:59 > 0:16:02houses are wood-framed, it's fantastically useful.
0:16:02 > 0:16:03Clean straw has no allergy issue.
0:16:03 > 0:16:08It's relatively cheap, it's a below zero carbon rating.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Can be locally grown, excellent insulation and sound proofing
0:16:11 > 0:16:14compared to conventional buildings, it's biodegradable
0:16:14 > 0:16:17at the end of the building's life, it's easy to work with,
0:16:17 > 0:16:20necessary skills are easier to learn than bricklaying.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Sounds great until it rains.
0:16:22 > 0:16:26No because that one on the right is that straw house.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30It's not left straw like that. You can clad it and plaster it.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Clapboard and everything else.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34- You would never know it was a straw house. - You'd need a a metal roof.
0:16:34 > 0:16:41Yeah, the whole thing isn't made of straw but it's straw where otherwise you'd be using concrete or wood.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Why are we just learning this?
0:16:43 > 0:16:48I know! It was a 19th-century Nebraskan invention, a baled straw buildings.
0:16:48 > 0:16:53In Nebraska, they have huge grasslands and you'd start when it's the nearest material to you.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56There aren't that many trees and things for wood.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59So how big can the structures get?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- As big as any. You know... - The sky's the limit.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Big question - can a wolf blow it down?
0:17:05 > 0:17:09It'll huff and it'll puff and I think it will fail to blow it down.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13If a wolf came back and saw that... "Ha-ha! Oh..."
0:17:13 > 0:17:17The wolf would be going, "this is not supposed to happen!
0:17:17 > 0:17:19"I've got a brick one to come yet!"
0:17:19 > 0:17:22The wolf would be going, "I love what you've done here."
0:17:22 > 0:17:27The early Nebraskan settlers even tried them with balls of tumbleweed compressed.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30And it blew away?
0:17:30 > 0:17:35There was a house built of hay, it was a schoolhouse in Nebraska.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37It was eaten by a herd of cows.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40That was bad but they wouldn't eat straw.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43This information throws everything into chaos.
0:17:43 > 0:17:49A man of straw is supposed to be weak and now we're learning it's right up there with concrete.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Now the pigs have got a panic room anyway...
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Straw is cheap, strong, warm and fire and earthquake resistant,
0:17:55 > 0:17:58making it an excellent choice of building material.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Now, the Queen is coming for tea.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03What should you do with your lavatory seat?
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Cover it with money!
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- EDDIE:- Wear it round your neck with pride.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14No. There is a rumour, an urban legend, a nonsense, a fallacy,
0:18:14 > 0:18:18that you have to get a new lavatory seat for the Queen's visit.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19Superglue it.
0:18:19 > 0:18:26Put clingfilm over the bowl. See if she complains!
0:18:30 > 0:18:33I don't know why that pleases me so much but it really does.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37There was a rumour - but it's a nonsense -
0:18:37 > 0:18:42- that she carried her own calfskin one around, a calfskin lavatory seat.- Wow.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45But apparently Prince Charles did have his own.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48He was given one as a present and he liked it so he used to carry it around.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Charlie's got his own seat and he goes around with it?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54No, he was given it and he used to take it around as a joke.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- As a joke?- All right!
0:18:57 > 0:19:03- I mean, the people who deal with royalty, they do say... - HE MUTTERS
0:19:03 > 0:19:06And they would have bolted it on in a trice.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08- Probably. - No-one would take the joke.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10"We've made nine of them."
0:19:12 > 0:19:15I don't know how that works in the toilet but...
0:19:15 > 0:19:19People powering the toilet.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21- Jet-powered toilets.- Yes.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23A royal flush.
0:19:23 > 0:19:27You can be sucked out of a jet toilet.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31You can get wedged in and create a vacuum.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Then the whole plane sucks in on its own.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38Like Oddjob...
0:19:38 > 0:19:43- Goldfinger himself goes out of the window.- But not out of the loo.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46ALAN IMITATES FLUSH
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Isn't it funny how you just have to press the button and then you think,
0:19:49 > 0:19:52I'll have to press it again because it didn't, and then woah!
0:19:52 > 0:19:57Stand well back. You don't leave your tie dangling over. Waah!
0:19:57 > 0:20:02According to Buckingham Palace, the idea that the Queen requires a new lavatory seat is a complete myth.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Though you might want to run a damp cloth over the old one.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08So, homing in now on General Ignorance.
0:20:08 > 0:20:09Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12When did slavery become a criminal offence in England?
0:20:12 > 0:20:18It was one of these odd little New Labour laws, in about 1996, '97, '98.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21What an odd law, to outlaw slavery.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24It's political correctness gone mad!
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- I'm going to be odd and say it was a bit late.- Yes, that's exactly right.
0:20:27 > 0:20:32It was 1807 when the slave trade was ended, and then finally, in 1834,
0:20:32 > 0:20:36it was illegal anywhere in the British Empire to own a slave.
0:20:36 > 0:20:43It has never been illegal to have a slave in England until April 2010.
0:20:43 > 0:20:48I'm saying I could have had you as a slave. Legally.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52- You mean this series I'm finally free?- Yes!
0:20:52 > 0:20:54APPLAUSE
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Absolutely.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00You know what?
0:21:00 > 0:21:04I'll be one of those slaves that just goes back to the master. "I don't know what to do now.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07"Can I work for you any way, please?"
0:21:07 > 0:21:12There are now estimated to be 27 million people held essentially in bondage, in slavery, on this planet.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16- But the show will be over soon and you can go.- Yeah.
0:21:16 > 0:21:20- More than there ever were in the days of cotton picking and s on. - 27 million?- 27 million.
0:21:20 > 0:21:25- In the world?- Yeah. That is the estimate. It's a pretty grim problem, still, slavery.
0:21:25 > 0:21:31The point is it was never illegal in England because it was never recognised as a state of being.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34I wish I had known that!
0:21:34 > 0:21:39There were laws against kidnapping and abduction, and false imprisonment,
0:21:39 > 0:21:42and sexual trafficking and all that we might associate,
0:21:42 > 0:21:47though it was not illegal for one human to own another human, which it now is.
0:21:47 > 0:21:52This isn't one of those laws where they thought, "That needs clearing up. It's a loose end from history."
0:21:52 > 0:21:57It kind of was. In 1967, there were a number of obsolete crimes that were taken care of.
0:21:57 > 0:22:02Barratry had been illegal right up until 1967, which is vexatious lawsuits.
0:22:02 > 0:22:09- Vexatious?- What they call a vexatious litigate, someone who just keeps coming.
0:22:09 > 0:22:14- Dorothy Squires.- Yes.- The singer, towards the end of her life when she did have a mania,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17but she was probably the last person to be done for vexatious litigants.
0:22:17 > 0:22:22- But if you kept prosecuting someone for it, you'd be prosecuted... - Yourself.- Yeah.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Any way, there's scolding.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27Scolding was a crime in 1966, but not in 1967.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31- With hot water, you mean? - No, not scalding. Scolding. Scolding! "You!
0:22:31 > 0:22:35"What time of the night do you call this, Eddie Izzard?"
0:22:35 > 0:22:38- 12.00. 12.30. I don't know. - Give you a good scolding.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- And that was illegal? - That was illegal.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44- And now it's legal? - Eavesdropping was illegal.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Challenging someone to a fight was also illegal until 1967.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51What about going round a roundabout more than three times?
0:22:51 > 0:22:54That certainly wouldn't have been a medieval law, would it?
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Well, I don't know. If you had a horse and cart and a couple of hours spare.
0:22:58 > 0:23:03- On the medieval roundabout. - The medieval roundabout. - Yes. Any way. There you are.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06Due to a quirk of English law, it only became an offence
0:23:06 > 0:23:10to keep a slave in the year 2010, so you just missed your chance.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Who lives in the tiniest houses in Europe?
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- DING-DONG - German. Belgians. French. Italians. - Whoa.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19- Slovenia?- Slovenia?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22Whoa, interesting. No.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24- Greece, Turkey.- Albania.- Albania.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26- No.- Lithuania. England.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28- Ireland. Czech Republic.- Wales.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Well..
0:23:30 > 0:23:34- Wales?- Well... - Pygmies.- Anglesey. The Welsh?
0:23:34 > 0:23:37- Brittany...- Britain!
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Britain.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- Great Britain.- Great Britain?
0:23:41 > 0:23:46- Britain, UK.- We got that easy! - Our country. Where we live.- Us? - Yes. We have.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50- We have?- We have, in Britain. We have the smallest by quite a way.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53It's rather embarrassing. Easily the pokiest accommodation in Europe.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56Yeah. In terms of overall floor space, that's where we live.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00Isn't that tragic? Compared to America.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Yeah. We have a miserly 76 square metres on average.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- We're quite crammed together, aren't we?- We are.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10But even given that, our houses are jolly titchy, it seems.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13Until you told us we weren't that bothered. But now...
0:24:13 > 0:24:18- Where does the phrase, "There isn't room to swing a cat" come from? - Cat o' nine tails?
0:24:18 > 0:24:19Cat o' nine tails?
0:24:19 > 0:24:23No, it's not, oddly enough. You'd think it was.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25It's the kind of think people think.
0:24:25 > 0:24:29- It's when they used to flog people with an actual cat.- No, literally,
0:24:29 > 0:24:30it means what it says.
0:24:30 > 0:24:35It's just a kind of common folk expression meaning to swing a cat round.
0:24:35 > 0:24:40But the first use of cat o' nine tales was 1695 in the English language.
0:24:40 > 0:24:44And at least 40 years earlier than that there are references to not being able to swing a cat.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46It's so disappointing when you find that out.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48- I think it's good.- Meeeeow!
0:24:52 > 0:24:54- The whole nine yards?- The whole nine yards? No.- Alan's doing cat stuff.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57- It's an American sports thing, isn't it?- How would you swing it, though?
0:24:57 > 0:25:02There's that way, but there's also that way, up and down.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04LAUGHTER Round and round.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I think it's by the tail, definitely, whatever.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11Do you do it in a big loopy swing, or do you get some speed up?
0:25:13 > 0:25:18- It'd be nice to find a room where there was enough room to swing a cat.- Just.- Just.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21The cat's close and you just go, "Ah!"
0:25:21 > 0:25:23By a whisker!
0:25:23 > 0:25:24- By a whisker.- Literally.
0:25:24 > 0:25:30The whole nine yards, I believe, is not a sporting thing, it's America's and the B52s going
0:25:30 > 0:25:34over Nazi Germany, and they shot the whole nine yards of bullets.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37- Oh, right, it's a nine yard... - It's 10 yards in American football.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40Everyone thought it was something to do with American football.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Nice. If that's true, there will be points in it.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45- I think that's quite interesting. - Yes, I'm excited.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49So, yes, it turns out the British build the meanest houses in Europe.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53Why don't any bleaches claim to kill 100% of all germs?
0:25:53 > 0:25:57They'd get sued if you found a living germ left?
0:25:57 > 0:25:59KLAXON
0:26:01 > 0:26:03No, it's not that.
0:26:03 > 0:26:04It's because they don't kill...
0:26:04 > 0:26:10They probably do kill 100% of all germs, it's just almost impossible to prove.
0:26:10 > 0:26:15What's left behind, we just don't have the technology to inspect whether or not there
0:26:15 > 0:26:21are any germs left. The fact is, certainly you can prove 99.999% of germs are killed by bleach.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24- When you wipe up afterwards, you put more germs back in.- You often do.
0:26:24 > 0:26:29Because everyone pees on their hands and then goes and gets mints.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32Looking like that when they do.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35I save time. I just take the mints to the loo.
0:26:35 > 0:26:42- Those are those things in the urinal, you can't eat them. - I thought they were mints.
0:26:42 > 0:26:48Good! So, no bleach claims to kill 100% of germs because some microbial remnants
0:26:48 > 0:26:51left after the standard test are just too small to measure.
0:26:51 > 0:26:57They come pretty close, though. And so we end our weary journey homewards and it's time to look
0:26:57 > 0:27:02at the house of cards that represent our scoring system.
0:27:02 > 0:27:07Home and dry, in the lead, with an astonishing plus three, Bill Bailey!
0:27:07 > 0:27:10APPLAUSE
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Very well played.
0:27:15 > 0:27:21Just about keeping the home fires burning with minus 16, Eddie Izzard!
0:27:21 > 0:27:25- I'm second? Second?- Second.
0:27:25 > 0:27:26I'm second. Minus 16.
0:27:26 > 0:27:31And with home in sight at minus 17, Danny Baker!
0:27:31 > 0:27:35Pippe me by a minus point. Minus one.
0:27:35 > 0:27:41It's a terrible shock, but finally, home alone with minus 19, Alan Davies!
0:27:41 > 0:27:43APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:43 > 0:27:45THEME TUNE PLAYS
0:27:49 > 0:27:51That's all for this homely edition of QI,
0:27:51 > 0:27:55so it's good night from Eddie, Danny, Bill and Alan and myself.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58And now it's time to bolt the door, drink up your cocoa, and then off to
0:27:58 > 0:28:03bed with the lot of you, but not before I snuggle down with this thought from a recent survey.
0:28:03 > 0:28:1030 years ago, 65% of men, on leaving their house, kissed their wife goodbye.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13Today, 88% of men when they leave their wife,
0:28:13 > 0:28:16have to kiss their house goodbye. Good night.