0:00:26 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening
0:00:34 > 0:00:39and welcome to QI, where tonight, once again, the Is have it.
0:00:39 > 0:00:44I spy with my little eye the illustrious Sandi Toksvig!
0:00:44 > 0:00:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:48 > 0:00:51The indubitable Jimmy Carr!
0:00:51 > 0:00:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58The incorrigible Lee Mack!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
0:01:01 > 0:01:05And the 'ilarious Alan Davies.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:09 > 0:01:14And I hear with my little ear their buzzers. Sandi goes...
0:01:14 > 0:01:17"Aye-aye." LAUGHTER
0:01:17 > 0:01:20- Jimmy goes...- "Oi-oi!" LAUGHTER
0:01:20 > 0:01:23- Lee goes... - "Aye-aye-aye-aye-aye!"
0:01:23 > 0:01:25- LAUGHTER - And Alan goes...
0:01:25 > 0:01:28"# I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts"
0:01:28 > 0:01:30LAUGHTER
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Don't forget your Nobody Knows Joker.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35FANFARE "Nobody knows!"
0:01:35 > 0:01:39That's the one. There is a question to which the answer is, "Nobody knows"
0:01:39 > 0:01:45and if you can predict which that question is and wave your banner, you'll get points.
0:01:45 > 0:01:49And so to question I, I mean question one. No, I was right the first time.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53What's the difference between an ai and an aye-aye?
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Have you heard of an ai? It's a very useful word in Scrabble.
0:01:57 > 0:02:01- A-I.- Yes. Oh, yes! It's a sloth.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- A sloth! Exactly. But what about an aye-aye?- Two sloths.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07LAUGHTER
0:02:07 > 0:02:10All right, so we've got the ai. Where does the ai live?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13- Where does it live?- In a tree.
0:02:13 > 0:02:18- Yeah. In which part of the world would you expect to find it? - South America.- Yes.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22They're wonderful things. They look like humans dressed in a sloth costume.
0:02:22 > 0:02:28But to be fair, you could say that about any animal. A giraffe looks like a human in a giraffe costume.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32- You look at a picture of an ai and I think you'll see what I mean.- Oh!
0:02:32 > 0:02:37- That does look like a person in a costume.- He's climbing a tree which looks like a man dressed as a tree.
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- LAUGHTER - Yes.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43He also looks like he's made of that stuff they used to make dish mops out of.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- Their heads are very disproportionate.- They are.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50They live up to their name. They're very lazy. They only come down to defecate.
0:02:50 > 0:02:55- They come down from a tree to defecate?- Yes.- The benefit of living in a tree is you can...
0:02:55 > 0:02:59- Poo on whomever you like?- Maybe they have a downstairs toilet.- Yes.
0:02:59 > 0:03:04- Hadn't thought of that, had you? - Once you've had it put in, you want to use it.- Absolutely.
0:03:04 > 0:03:09Very unusually for mammals, they need to bask in the sun to warm up their metabolism.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13So that's the ai. We've got the ai. But tell me about the aye-aye.
0:03:13 > 0:03:19- Is it spelt the same as the ai? - No.- Obviously there's more letters. - It's AYE-hyphen-AYE.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- Aye-aye, sir.- And I happen to have been and seen one.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Very few people have cos it's one of the most endangered species.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30- Is it a Geordie version of that? - Aye-aye? No, that's the why-aye.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32- Oh.- Are we in the same part of the world?
0:03:32 > 0:03:35- We're not in the same part of the world.- Is it a sloth?- No.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38It's more closely related to us. It's a primate.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- Primate?- But it's not an ape or a monkey. What other kinds...
0:03:41 > 0:03:46- Is it the aye-aye orang-utan? - Lemur?- Lemur. It's a lemur.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- Therefore, it must come from only one place on earth.- Oh!- Bradford.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51LAUGHTER
0:03:51 > 0:03:54It looks like someone's put some water on a gremlin.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56- LAUGHTER - Yes.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59That's exactly right. Which you know you mustn't do.
0:03:59 > 0:04:04- I would think that the animal on the left has an easier job getting a well-fitting hat.- Yes.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- LAUGHTER And a girlfriend.- Yes.
0:04:07 > 0:04:12- That may be why the aye-aye is so endangered.- It's Madagascar.- That's the only place you get lemurs.
0:04:12 > 0:04:17You can't see there, but they have the most extraordinary middle finger which is fully extended
0:04:17 > 0:04:23and looks like a dried twig. Really unusual. They tap with their finger on the barks of trees
0:04:23 > 0:04:27and bring out little worms and grubs which they catch and eat off their finger,
0:04:27 > 0:04:32- like a piece of cutlery.- So nature has designed them to eat Hula Hoops?
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- Basically.- That's extraordinary.
0:04:34 > 0:04:39Zoologists would say they fill the niche that woodpeckers filled in other environments.
0:04:39 > 0:04:44There are superstitions about if you... Pardon me. If I did this to you, or this,
0:04:44 > 0:04:47- if one of those did that to you, that'd be...- That's right.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51It's called the Fady, which is the taboo system of the local people,
0:04:51 > 0:04:55and because they're nocturnal creatures and because they look so weird,
0:04:55 > 0:04:59they regard them as a curse and they have a habit of killing them.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- It does look like a really bad hair transplant.- It does.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Well, I'm not surprised people kill them.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10Never mind superstition, if you walk across a street doing that, you're going to get a guy going,
0:05:10 > 0:05:14- "I can take him on."- And also, I'm not surprised they're endangered,
0:05:14 > 0:05:20cos they're clearly not mating, are they? They're looking at each other and going, "I'd rather not".
0:05:20 > 0:05:23- It is dark, remember.- All the ugly ones come out in the dark.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- LAUGHTER - That's how Jimmy mates.- Oh!
0:05:26 > 0:05:30"I'm happy to do it, love, but it'll have to be with the lights off."
0:05:30 > 0:05:33JIMMY LAUGHS
0:05:33 > 0:05:37LAUGHTER I can't believe your wife told you that story.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40- LAUGHTER - Oh!
0:05:40 > 0:05:42APPLAUSE
0:05:43 > 0:05:47- It's like... - I even did that in a northern accent.
0:05:47 > 0:05:50It's like watching two 1970s northern comics having a row.
0:05:50 > 0:05:55- "Funny, cos your wife said..." "Your wife doesn't exist." "You what?" - LAUGHTER
0:05:55 > 0:05:59- They do that on the streets of New York with "your mama". - They do what with my mama?
0:05:59 > 0:06:04- LAUGHTER Why don't you say "one's mama"? - One's mama.- Yeah.
0:06:04 > 0:06:08- I'd love you to do that on the streets of New York. - One's mama.- "Oh, one's mama to you!"
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Yes. That'll jolly well show them!
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Anyway, you didn't get that right, so let's try again.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18What's the difference between an "aye" and an "aye-aye"?
0:06:18 > 0:06:23- It's the same question. - Yes, but with different answers. - BUZZER
0:06:23 > 0:06:27- Is it different answers? - Yes.- Oh. I don't know, then. LAUGHTER
0:06:27 > 0:06:32- Maybe this time, aye-aye, sir. Is it "Aye-aye, sir" and "Aye, sir" are two different things?- Yes.
0:06:32 > 0:06:38That's the difference. In the navy... There's Kenneth Williams. A fine example!
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Do you know how they separate the men from the boys in the navy? With a crowbar.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44LAUGHTER
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- Oh, dear.- Aww!
0:06:47 > 0:06:50As you know, they say, "Aye" in the navy, but they also say, "Aye-aye".
0:06:50 > 0:06:54And there is a difference and I want you to tell me what that difference is.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Does "Aye" mean yes, as in "What do you want?"
0:06:57 > 0:07:00So you go, "You!" "Aye?" "Go and mop the floor." "Aye-aye."
0:07:00 > 0:07:04Basically, yes. "Aye" is an agreement or an assent.
0:07:04 > 0:07:09So the captain might say, "Nice morning, isn't it?" and the sailor would say, "Aye, sir."
0:07:09 > 0:07:13But he might say, "Order hands to bathe" and then he'd go, "Aye-aye, sir"
0:07:13 > 0:07:17- meaning, "I heard your order, I'll carry it out".- Wash my hands. - No.- What does it mean?
0:07:17 > 0:07:21All hands overboard. Sounds like, "Jump in the water".
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- Hands are what you call the ship's company. - All sailors have a bath together.
0:07:24 > 0:07:30Yes, in the sea. "Hands to bathe" means, when they're in nice waters, they swim in the sea.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32But don't take their hats off. LAUGHTER
0:07:32 > 0:07:37- Whatever you do!- Don't take your hats off, the seagulls might need somewhere to land.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Are they singing a song while that's going on?
0:07:39 > 0:07:44- If synchronised swimmers dressed like that, you'd think more of the sport.- You would!
0:07:44 > 0:07:49- It'd be on TV more.- Also, you could combine it with Total Wipeout.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52You could run across the top as they're doing synchronised swimming.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56More Is now. Why won't this woman stop staring at you?
0:07:56 > 0:07:59BUZZER She's only human.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02LAUGHTER
0:08:02 > 0:08:05She's got needs, like any woman. LAUGHTER
0:08:05 > 0:08:11- Are we being suggested to say cos her eyes are following you round the room?- Yeah, they do.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13They don't literally follow you around the room,
0:08:13 > 0:08:17but that experience is, wherever you are in relation to that painting,
0:08:17 > 0:08:21- she is looking at you. - What if you're behind her? Behind the painting?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24That only works on paintings of owls. LAUGHTER
0:08:24 > 0:08:28What's the most famous painting in the Wallace Collection in London?
0:08:28 > 0:08:32You know you're looking at the wrong person, don't you? LAUGHTER
0:08:32 > 0:08:37- It's only...- Lee, I wasn't looking at you.- Sometimes your eyes follow me round the room, Stephen.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41- Sandi...- I honestly thought someone was stood behind me.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- It is the cavalier? - It is the Laughing Cavalier.
0:08:44 > 0:08:49- The Laughing Cavalier?- Very good. That has the same quality, as well.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51It's true of a lot of portraits.
0:08:51 > 0:08:56Surely any painting where the person is looking at the artist. It's not unique to that painting.
0:08:56 > 0:09:02- No, it isn't.- Any painting where the subject is looking towards the camera, for want of a better word.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06But if you have a painting where someone's looking down, even if you get down to the eye level,
0:09:06 > 0:09:10- it will never look at you. - You would look mad in an art gallery doing that.
0:09:10 > 0:09:15- LAUGHTER He's looking at me!- Look at me! - It doesn't look at you.
0:09:15 > 0:09:20- They only look at you when they're looking straight out.- It's not like that in Scooby Doo, though.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25- There's somebody behind the painting and they really are following you around.- In horror films.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29- Exactly.- If you were to look at me now and I walked over there
0:09:29 > 0:09:34and you fixed your gaze forward, you wouldn't be looking at me. So you'd think it'd be true of the painting.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37But you're not looking at the eyes of the painting,
0:09:37 > 0:09:40you're looking through the eyes of the artist.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44So wherever you stand, you look through the eyes of the artist, not your own eyes. Good night.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49- Rather beautifully put. - Stephen is three-dimensional and the painting is two-dimensional
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- so that doesn't work.- But I'm looking at you through my eyes.
0:09:52 > 0:09:57So if I walk over there, I'm still looking at you through my eyes so it doesn't work.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59But I'm not looking at his eyes, the subject's eyes.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03I'm looking through the artist's eyes and they stay fixed at all times.
0:10:03 > 0:10:08It's like bending light. It's like having a telescope that bends round,
0:10:08 > 0:10:14- you're looking through the artist's eyes.- In a nice way, I'm going to say I don't think you fully understood.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:17 > 0:10:21If you change the word nice to patronising, that works. LAUGHTER
0:10:21 > 0:10:26- Well...- And you're kind with the word "fully" cos I don't think I understood any of it.
0:10:26 > 0:10:33- LAUGHTER - Anyway, we've got a little example of this optical illusion here.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36If you photograph it in the right way, as you'll to see,
0:10:36 > 0:10:38the eye plays extraordinary tricks on you.
0:10:38 > 0:10:42So there it is. There's Einstein. There he is in profile.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44And then there's the inverted bit,
0:10:44 > 0:10:48but hello, your eye tells you that's poking outwards, and yet it isn't.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51That's the inside bit.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54And your eye refuses to believe it until you get to that.
0:10:54 > 0:10:59- Oh, you're twisting my melon, man. - Isn't that extraordinary?
0:10:59 > 0:11:04- Why does it do that? - Because your brain is programmed to recognise human faces,
0:11:04 > 0:11:08one of the first things babies do is look at faces, and you expect to see a face
0:11:08 > 0:11:11- and even though you know it isn't a real face...- Ahh.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14- ..your brain fills in the gaps. - I did it again.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- It's an astonishing illusion. - Does it only work with Einstein?
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- No! - LAUGHTER Would it work with another man?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- It would work with any human being. - Ahh!- It's very creepy.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- It's amazing, isn't it?- But I can't believe it did the same trick twice. - I know.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30- Listen, we're not going to fall for it this time.- And yet...
0:11:30 > 0:11:32- LAUGHTER - Not three times.
0:11:32 > 0:11:36Outside, outside, outside, outside, outside.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40- This is going to be inside, Lee. This one's inside.- Inside.- Inside.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- Ahh!- Oh!
0:11:42 > 0:11:45How does he do it? How does he do it?
0:11:45 > 0:11:50- It's so clever.- He's so clever.- We literally filmed this. You can see,
0:11:50 > 0:11:54- that's all it is. - This is a great trick. I might cut my head in half and scoop out my brain.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57LAUGHTER
0:11:59 > 0:12:03- What a wonderful thing. It would make the most wonderful blancmange. - LAUGHTER
0:12:03 > 0:12:07Are we going to bother with the rest of the show? Cos I could happily just...
0:12:07 > 0:12:10LAUGHTER I mean, it's lovely chatting and everything,
0:12:10 > 0:12:14- and I love what we do, but let's just...- You're hypnotised.
0:12:14 > 0:12:20- Have you got any others apart from Einstein?- No. But we can make the Queen happy or sad with a £5 note.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24You can do this with your own £5 notes. We'll give you a demonstration. You do a little fold.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Aww. Ahh!
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- Aww. Ahh! - LAUGHTER
0:12:31 > 0:12:33APPLAUSE
0:12:34 > 0:12:39- That's brilliant.- Do you remember when they were in the Derby, her horse, Carlton House?
0:12:39 > 0:12:43"It's winning, it's winning, it's going to win the Derby! Oh, bollocks."
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- LAUGHTER - It came third and a Frenchman won.
0:12:46 > 0:12:51- Does it only work on a fiver? Does it work on bigger money? - It'll work on most denominations.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55- Would it work on the Queen if you tilt her?- It will also work on the sovereign herself.
0:12:55 > 0:13:00Is that why she looks so sad when she's bowing? Not that the Queen bows much.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- She's probably never bowed in her life.- No, I've met her.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- Did she bow?- She does, yes.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08LAUGHTER
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Another thing is to find out where and how we look.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13There is a whole science called gaze detection.
0:13:13 > 0:13:18- No, I do not... - LAUGHTER Don't even look at me.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- It's a science, is it, Stephen? - LAUGHTER
0:13:20 > 0:13:24- It's actually a "dar" I believe. - No, not the gaydar.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27Gaze detection. G-A-Z-E.
0:13:27 > 0:13:32And there are tests done between men and women and the different way they look at bodies.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35When women look at a human being, they look at their faces.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- When men look at a human being... - I know this.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Yes. Yes, they...
0:13:41 > 0:13:47- It's the...- I'm afraid they look at their faces and their groins. - Their personality.- Yeah.
0:13:47 > 0:13:51And their groins. And the American Kennel Association, even more disturbingly,
0:13:51 > 0:13:54found that when looking at animals, women look at the dog's face,
0:13:54 > 0:13:56men look at the dog's face and genitals.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59There are some things you can't hide.
0:13:59 > 0:14:05And gaze detection is most important commercially, though, for what?
0:14:05 > 0:14:10For the new idea that I've just had of writing advertising slogans on ladies' groins.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- No!- We're going to be rich, Stephen!
0:14:13 > 0:14:15- No!- It's not just ladies' groins.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19- Men look at men's groins, as well. - I'm afraid they do.
0:14:19 > 0:14:23- You wouldn't get much of a slogan on a Chihuahua, would you? - LAUGHTER
0:14:23 > 0:14:27- You wouldn't get much of a slogan on me, never mind the Chihuahua. - Oh, now!
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- Why, though? Why do boys look at dogs' genitals?- This is news to us.
0:14:30 > 0:14:34LAUGHTER This is news to all of us. There's not one man in the room
0:14:34 > 0:14:38thinking this is observational comedy, going, "That's me". LAUGHTER
0:14:38 > 0:14:43- We're all going, "What? We look at dogs' genitals?"- You might not know you do it, but you do it.
0:14:43 > 0:14:48This is what the experiments show. It's most useful in merchandising in supermarkets
0:14:48 > 0:14:51to see that there are certain areas in any store
0:14:51 > 0:14:55where people are automatically drawn and therefore they are the most valuable
0:14:55 > 0:14:58so the items that go there are the ones that are being pushed.
0:14:58 > 0:15:03So if you really want to sell something to men, have a beautiful woman walk past,
0:15:03 > 0:15:07and you'd look at the things right by her eye and she'd have a dog with her with large genitals.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11- LAUGHTER - Yes. You're conflating the various things I've said.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14I'm still horrified by men looking at dogs' genitals!
0:15:14 > 0:15:18- LAUGHTER - Do we do the same with horses? - It is news to men.
0:15:18 > 0:15:24Horses don't do anything for our self-esteem. LAUGHTER
0:15:24 > 0:15:29I went to a wedding in a beautiful country church and it was in the middle of fields and so on,
0:15:29 > 0:15:33and the couple were having their picture taken, and not one of us had noticed
0:15:33 > 0:15:36there was a horse in the field just behind the happy couple
0:15:36 > 0:15:43- who had the biggest area of expertise I've ever seen. - LAUGHTER
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- That's all you can see in the photographs. - LAUGHTER
0:15:46 > 0:15:49They couldn't crop it out, it was so large.
0:15:49 > 0:15:54Well, we must move on, charming as this is. The way to get the eyes to follow you around the room
0:15:54 > 0:15:58is to paint them looking straight ahead. Next, a question about infancy.
0:15:58 > 0:16:03Which best-selling children's author has something to say on rabid dogs,
0:16:03 > 0:16:07suicide victims, slaughtering cattle and how to tie your shoelaces?
0:16:07 > 0:16:12- BUZZER - Yes, Lee?- Katie Price. LAUGHTER
0:16:12 > 0:16:18- It's a wild stab in the dark... - That was the title of her second book.- How To Slaughter Cattle?
0:16:18 > 0:16:22- Yeah.- Yeah? This has probably sold 150 million copies since its first publication.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- In a children's book? - A book written for children.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29Look at the boys looking round at the dog's genitals. LAUGHTER
0:16:29 > 0:16:33He is! That's Dick on the left. Dick, Anne and Julian.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36And Dick is looking at Timmy's bits.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Girls, eyes forward. Boys going, "Hello!"
0:16:38 > 0:16:43- You see, even Enid Blyton knew. - It's an old English book?
0:16:43 > 0:16:48- Published in the Edwardian era. - Are we looking for the name of the book or the author?
0:16:48 > 0:16:53The name of the author was Robert, later Lord, Baden Powell.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57- Oh, Scouting For Boys?- Scouting For Boys is the right answer.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Scouting For Boys has got something on suicide?
0:16:59 > 0:17:04- It has. It has an amazing entry. Maybe you'd like to hear it. - I would love to hear it.
0:17:04 > 0:17:10"When a man attempts suicide...", they don't count women, "..a scout should know what to do with him."
0:17:10 > 0:17:13- LAUGHTER - "In a case where the would-be suicide has taken poison,
0:17:13 > 0:17:18"give milk and make him vomit by tickling the inside of the throat with a finger or a feather.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21"In the case of hanging, cut down the body at once,
0:17:21 > 0:17:24"taking care to support it with one arm while cutting the cord.
0:17:24 > 0:17:29- "A tenderfoot", which is scouting for novice... - They make that sound very simple.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34"..is sometimes inclined to be timid about handling an insensible or a dead man, or even seeing blood.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38"Well, he won't be much use till he gets over such nonsense."
0:17:38 > 0:17:40LAUGHTER
0:17:40 > 0:17:44There you are. Advice to young boys on how to slaughter cattle.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48"If you're a beginner in slaughtering with a knife,
0:17:48 > 0:17:55"it's sometimes useful to first drop the animal insensible by a heavy blow with a big hammer
0:17:55 > 0:17:59- "or the back of a felling axe on top of the head." - LAUGHTER
0:17:59 > 0:18:03- Kindest thing to do, really. - Stopping a runaway horse?
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- Does he give advice on that?- He does. - Lie down.- That would stop the horse?
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- Oh, no, they don't tread on you. - Oh, I know, play dead.
0:18:10 > 0:18:15- How would that stop the horse? - I'm thinking of a ferocious grizzly bear again, aren't I?
0:18:15 > 0:18:20What you don't do is stand in front of it waving your arms. That's the mistake to make.
0:18:20 > 0:18:27- You go to the side and ease it towards the side of a wall or house. - When it's running?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29You ease a running horse to the side of a wall, yeah?
0:18:29 > 0:18:34"Don't worry, lads, I'll just ease this running horse to the side of a wall."
0:18:34 > 0:18:38It can see out of the corner of its eye, and it will slow it down, according to Baden Powell.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41"Give us a hand!", "I can't, Uncle Pete's hung himself."
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- What about saving someone who's fallen in front of a train? - Oh, I know this,
0:18:45 > 0:18:49you ease the train up against a wall. LAUGHTER
0:18:49 > 0:18:52"If the train is very close, lie flat between the rails,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55"make the man do the same till the train passes over,
0:18:55 > 0:19:00"while everyone else will be running about screaming, excited and doing nothing."
0:19:00 > 0:19:04- You jump on the track with him and push his head down? - Yes.- Sure, I'd do that.
0:19:04 > 0:19:09- Is there such a big gap between the wheels?- There is in the movies but I wouldn't be the one to try it.
0:19:09 > 0:19:14It'd be great if you hung yourself and a scout cut you down, and you went, "OK, I'll jump under a train."
0:19:14 > 0:19:18"He's here again!" LAUGHTER "Hello, mate!"
0:19:18 > 0:19:22Now, eyes front, I spy general ignorance up ahead.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26What can you tell me about the lifespan of this lobster?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29BUZZER I don't know but look at the size of the fish he's just caught.
0:19:29 > 0:19:33LAUGHTER
0:19:33 > 0:19:37APPLAUSE I don't think the fish was that big, he's just giving it all that.
0:19:37 > 0:19:43- In theory, a lobster can live forever. In theory. - It's not one of these, is it?
0:19:43 > 0:19:47Yes, it is. The point is, you can't tell the age of a lobster.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51FANFARE AND APPLAUSE
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- So you say you can't tell the age of a lobster?- No.
0:19:58 > 0:20:04- They shed their actual... The whole skin comes off.- Did you say lobsters can live forever?
0:20:04 > 0:20:10In theory. The trouble is, we don't know, because they live so far down on the ocean's floor,
0:20:10 > 0:20:14there may be giant submarine-sized lobsters for all we know, but we've never seen them.
0:20:14 > 0:20:20Yes, and they have a special protease-type DNA enzyme called telomerase
0:20:20 > 0:20:23which basically replaces lost DNA during cell division,
0:20:23 > 0:20:27so that their cells remain young and pristine each time they divide.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Unlike with us, where they just get flabbier and flabbier.
0:20:31 > 0:20:37The largest on record was caught off Nova Scotia in 1977. It was 3.5 foot long from tail to claw.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42- 3.5 foot? That's a lot smaller than a submarine.- Yes, it's a lot smaller than this studio.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46It's a lot smaller than many things, but the largest lobster ever caught.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50- LAUGHTER - Yeah, Lee!- Sandi did say they could be as big as a submarine.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53- Sorry, I missed that bit. - That's all right.
0:20:53 > 0:20:59Just so you know, I didn't randomly say, "3.5 foot, I've got an interesting fact about 3.5 foot,
0:20:59 > 0:21:05"a lot smaller than a submarine. Back to you, Stephen. Beat that with your interesting facts!"
0:21:05 > 0:21:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It was relevant to what she said. That would be a bonkers way to...
0:21:09 > 0:21:14- I've got slightly too used to you saying rather stupid things. - LAUGHTER
0:21:15 > 0:21:19- I apologise on bended knees. - You mean stupid things like
0:21:19 > 0:21:23lobsters can live forever and grow to the size of submarines?
0:21:23 > 0:21:28- What doesn't make sense in the picture is it shouldn't be red. - Why not?
0:21:28 > 0:21:31Because it's in the water, it should be black. Are they not only red...
0:21:31 > 0:21:35- SIREN BLARES - You thought it was dead.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39No. The vast majority of lobsters are a sort of darkish colour,
0:21:39 > 0:21:43with little bits of iridescent colours on them, but you can get red ones.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48- Have you ever seen a blue lobster? - I'm not falling for this again, Stephen.- Have you?
0:21:48 > 0:21:52- Er, I don't think I have seen one. - Would you like to see a blue lobster?- Oh, here we go.
0:21:52 > 0:21:57- Go on. Is it going to hurt? - There, have a look behind you and you'll see a nice blue lobster.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Look at that. Every now and again you get a really blue lobster.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03I just think BP have got a lot to answer for. LAUGHTER
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- It looks like it's been sprayed by a vandal.- It does look like it.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10But Sandi was right about it detaching itself from its old shell.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13It does that 25 times in the first five years of its life.
0:22:13 > 0:22:18And each time it does, it grows by 50 percent. But it's a really odd business and quite dangerous.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21It has to detach itself from its old shell.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25It has teeth inside its stomach and they're part of the exoskeleton
0:22:25 > 0:22:29so the lobster has to pull out the lining of its throat, stomach and anus
0:22:29 > 0:22:35- every time it gets rid of its shell. - I've had hangovers where I've felt like that.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37LAUGHTER Ohh!
0:22:37 > 0:22:42They also, rather like the people of Doncaster, communicate with each other by urinating.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45LAUGHTER
0:22:45 > 0:22:51- Hang on, why Doncaster?- I was there with a TV crew on Friday night and there was a lot of weeing.
0:22:51 > 0:22:56- You should have been at Wembley at a cup final.- It was horrible on the terrace when it used to...
0:22:56 > 0:23:00- It used to rush down the terraces. - You know how they get the champagne glasses and do that?
0:23:00 > 0:23:05- Yes. Exactly. - That's where they got the idea from. All bubbling at the bottom.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08In America, you can buy a Stadium Pal. A Stadium Pal.
0:23:08 > 0:23:13- This is a little thing you can pee in.- It's a thing you attach to yourself and it goes in a bottle.
0:23:13 > 0:23:18And they've developed one for women, but it looks a bit more like a gravy boat. I'm not sure.
0:23:18 > 0:23:23- Now with wings!- That would be good for long journeys in the car, too.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27- There is a thing you can pee into in the car.- You pee in a bag.- Yeah.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30You can pee in a bag anyway, no-one's stopping you.
0:23:30 > 0:23:35If you're not allowed to use a mobile phone in a car, you're not allowed to urinate in a bag.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38- You pull over.- If you pull over, why don't you go in a tree?
0:23:38 > 0:23:41- Go in a tree?- In a tree.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45Not in a tree, against a tree. I don't mean carry a woodpecker with you at all times.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49"Tap a hole in there for us!" LAUGHTER
0:23:49 > 0:23:52"Fill it in and on your way!"
0:23:52 > 0:23:55So, the fact is, it's impossible to age a lobster.
0:23:55 > 0:23:59What would they have called this shop in the olden days?
0:23:59 > 0:24:04Well, I'm guessing not an old pork pie shop? That's a bit too easy.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07- How do you pronounce it, you mean? - How do you pronounce it?
0:24:07 > 0:24:11- BUZZER - Lee?- "Yee Old Pork Pie Shopp-ee."
0:24:11 > 0:24:15- SIREN BLARES - Oh, no!
0:24:15 > 0:24:18- It's... That's not pronounced "Yee." - OK.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21- It's pronounced... - BUZZER - Yeah?- "Yey!"- No.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- Old porkie pie shop.- No, you said it.- It's "the".- Why is it "the"?
0:24:24 > 0:24:29- It's the way they wrote it down, isn't it?- It's because it's not a Y. It looks like a Y,
0:24:29 > 0:24:34and they used Ys when printing came in. It's an Old English letter from Anglo-Saxon called the thorn,
0:24:34 > 0:24:37which is the letter for a "th", like a Greek theta.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41When printing came in, a lot of them didn't bother making a separate thorn,
0:24:41 > 0:24:43they used the Y cos it was so similar,
0:24:43 > 0:24:46so when they were writing "the", they would put a Y in.
0:24:46 > 0:24:51But they knew to pronounce it "the", and that, much as we do in texts and tweets these days,
0:24:51 > 0:24:58it's been very common for human beings to abbreviate, and they abbreviated "that", to "yt", th't.
0:24:58 > 0:25:04Whenever you see in old churches "ye this" or "ye that" or you see "ye olde" it's actually "the".
0:25:04 > 0:25:08- What about "Old-ee"?- You don't pronounce the silent "e" on it. - "Shopp-ee"?
0:25:08 > 0:25:13- Or "Shoppe". - I haven't got one word right. Here we go, I've got one. Pie?- Yes!
0:25:13 > 0:25:17- Spot on!- Get in! Now, how do you say that tricky one in the middle?
0:25:17 > 0:25:22How northern is that? If someone's just flicked onto this show, and said, "Oh, Lee Mack's on."
0:25:22 > 0:25:26And you go, "Pie!" and there's a round of applause. LAUGHTER
0:25:26 > 0:25:28What went up by 57 percent during the Blitz?
0:25:28 > 0:25:30- BUZZER - Yeah?
0:25:30 > 0:25:34House prices? LAUGHTER
0:25:34 > 0:25:37- They might, but no. - Was it Mother Brown's knees?
0:25:37 > 0:25:44- By 57 percent? - They were always up listening to the Cockneys during the Blitz. Always up.
0:25:44 > 0:25:48- The birth rate?- No. - Grave robbing?- Crime.
0:25:48 > 0:25:54- Oh!- Crime went up a huge amount during the Blitz.- Sorry, do you count crime as dropping bombs?
0:25:54 > 0:25:58Because if that is listed as a crime, there was a lot of that going on.
0:25:58 > 0:26:04It's not a crime, in acts of war, to do that, unfortunately. But I'm talking about Londoners' crime.
0:26:04 > 0:26:09Mad Frankie Fraser actually said, "It was a tragedy when Hitler surrendered,
0:26:09 > 0:26:13"because wartime London was a criminal's paradise." That's the way he put it.
0:26:13 > 0:26:18All you had to do was get an ARP Warden, you know, like Hodges in Dad's Army,
0:26:18 > 0:26:23"Napoleon!", all that. You put one of those on and people just obey you, and a tin hat with a "W" on it.
0:26:23 > 0:26:28And people would actually help them load their cars with stuff they'd stolen.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32"Here, come here! Help me load this car!" They'd go, "Ooh, yes," because you were a warden.
0:26:32 > 0:26:37- Are you suggesting that's what the Queen Mother was doing in the East End?- No!
0:26:37 > 0:26:42- My granddad was one of those, an ARP warden.- Was he?- Well, he says that. - Oh, I'm sure he was.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46- So was it mainly looting?- There was looting, there was also scams.
0:26:46 > 0:26:51There was one fella called Handy who made a claim for his house being bombed, which you got £500,
0:26:51 > 0:26:5619 times before they caught onto him.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59And ordinary people were also committing crimes through ration books.
0:26:59 > 0:27:04People who didn't think of themselves as criminals were black-marketeering,
0:27:04 > 0:27:09or involving themselves in the black market. Generally speaking, it was a very good time to be a criminal,
0:27:09 > 0:27:15because the police and everybody were concerned with bombs falling on houses and incendiary bombs.
0:27:15 > 0:27:20Is there truth in... I read a thing about... A house would be bombed and the people would be dead,
0:27:20 > 0:27:22- people would come and steal watches...- Oh, yes.
0:27:22 > 0:27:28- It's really grizzly.- I'm afraid it is. We think of it as our finest hour and the Blitz spirit.
0:27:28 > 0:27:34Unfortunately, there's another side to it. There was a huge amount of bravery and camaraderie
0:27:34 > 0:27:37and communal spirit and so on, but there was also, sadly, the darker side.
0:27:37 > 0:27:42Now, I spy with my little eye, the scores, and how interesting they are.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45In first place, by really quite a long way,
0:27:45 > 0:27:50- is Sandi Toksvig with 12 points! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:53 > 0:27:58And in second place, with minus four, Jimmy Carr!
0:27:58 > 0:28:00APPLAUSE Oh! Very happy with that.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06Only just in third place, with minus five, Lee Mack!
0:28:06 > 0:28:10APPLAUSE I'll take that. Third. Best I've done.
0:28:10 > 0:28:17And a proud fourth place with double-I, minus 11, is Alan Davies!
0:28:17 > 0:28:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:23 > 0:28:26So, it's thanks to Sandi, Jimmy, Lee and Alan.
0:28:26 > 0:28:31And as Yogi Berra said, "You can observe a lot by watching." Goodnight.
0:28:36 > 0:28:40Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:40 > 0:28:44E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:28:44 > 0:28:44.