0:00:30 > 0:00:33Good evening! Good evening, good evening,
0:00:33 > 0:00:35good evening, good evening, good evening...
0:00:35 > 0:00:38And welcome to QI for another incongruous ingathering
0:00:38 > 0:00:41of irilated information, including -
0:00:41 > 0:00:43income tax, inflation and Imperial Rome.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48Let's have a look at tonight's four "I's". The I-catching Sandi Toksvig!
0:00:48 > 0:00:52APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:54The I-watering Al Murray!
0:00:54 > 0:00:58APPLAUSE
0:00:58 > 0:01:00The I-rish Dara O'Briain!
0:01:00 > 0:01:03APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:05And I-I-I! It's Alan Davies!
0:01:05 > 0:01:08APPLAUSE
0:01:08 > 0:01:13Right, well let's hear your I-buzzers. Sandi goes...
0:01:13 > 0:01:18BIRD SQUAWKING
0:01:18 > 0:01:19- That was an ibis.- Oh!
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Al goes...
0:01:22 > 0:01:25ANIMAL GRUNTING
0:01:25 > 0:01:28That was an ibex.
0:01:28 > 0:01:29And Dara goes...
0:01:29 > 0:01:32CAR ENGINE ROARING
0:01:32 > 0:01:34That was a Seat Ibiza!
0:01:37 > 0:01:38And Alan goes...
0:01:38 > 0:01:44# I-i-i-i-i-i love you very much I-I-I-I-I-I think you're grand... #
0:01:44 > 0:01:47And don't forget, if you spot a question
0:01:47 > 0:01:51to which you think nobody knows the answer, you can play your Ignoramus Joker, like so.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53MILITARY BUGLE
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Nobody knows!
0:01:55 > 0:01:59That's right, there may be a question to which the answer is - nobody knows.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01So, describe, if you can, in detail,
0:02:01 > 0:02:04the world's most exotic tax inspectors.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Not the ones who brought me into Balham once to...
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Were you once given a right going-over?
0:02:10 > 0:02:12- A right going-over, yeah.- Were you?
0:02:12 > 0:02:16I'd taken tax advice from Harry Hill, so it was my own fault.
0:02:19 > 0:02:23He used to be a doctor, so I thought he knew what he was talking about.
0:02:23 > 0:02:29I once spent three days with a tax inspector going through every single decimal point of everything.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33And after three days he didn't find anything, and he said to me,
0:02:33 > 0:02:36"To be honest Miss Toksvig, I just wanted to meet you."
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Wow!
0:02:38 > 0:02:40I know. I wanted to punch him.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44Was either of them exotic? Did they have a flowery tie, or anything about them?
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Is it one of those tax-haveny things?
0:02:47 > 0:02:50No it's not. We're in the Middle East, in an Islamic country,
0:02:50 > 0:02:54where people would be very embarrassed by a certain type of person.
0:02:54 > 0:02:56A transgender person.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00In Pakistan, they have a squadron of transgender tax collectors,
0:03:00 > 0:03:04who come, basically, to embarrass people into paying.
0:03:04 > 0:03:08They go, "Hiya! You all right?"
0:03:08 > 0:03:13First of all, you go to the shop and say, "You owe us this much in tax,"
0:03:13 > 0:03:15and they will simply say, "We refuse to pay."
0:03:15 > 0:03:20And they say, "OK, tomorrow we will send in a group of transgender collectors,
0:03:20 > 0:03:25"who will dance and sing in your shop, until you pay."
0:03:25 > 0:03:26# The crying game... #
0:03:26 > 0:03:29But only five per cent of people pay tax in Pakistan, don't they?
0:03:29 > 0:03:30So it's not working!
0:03:30 > 0:03:33There's only so many transgender collectors.
0:03:33 > 0:03:38They're very busy! They're belting out I Am What I Am in shops all around the country.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40There is quite a transgender,
0:03:40 > 0:03:44I suppose the word you would use is "community" in Pakistan.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46They have obviously had it very tough,
0:03:46 > 0:03:49especially in the more extremist parts of that country,
0:03:49 > 0:03:51where such things are frowned upon.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54They are classed together with transvestites and eunuchs.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57There's a special word for them, which is - higera.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59How extraordinary for a mother if she sees her son
0:03:59 > 0:04:01putting on her high heels,
0:04:01 > 0:04:04immediately she looks at him now, and thinks "tax inspector!"
0:04:04 > 0:04:07It is. It's a glamour profession now.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09"I have to do this mother, I'm a tax inspector.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14"Nothing else is going on."
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Will you be wearing that dress this evening?
0:04:18 > 0:04:19But they are.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23What would we do here? With Morris Dancers, I think, outside your shop.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25"I'll pay! I will pay!"
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Basically, the governments of the world
0:04:28 > 0:04:32are looking for imaginative solutions to raise their taxes.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35And that is one - using transgender people in Karachi.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41I'm totally astonished. It's boggling, it's brilliant.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45While living in Pakistan, was there any point which Osama Bin Laden
0:04:45 > 0:04:47didn't pay his taxes and was in danger
0:04:47 > 0:04:52of four transgender people knocking on the door of his massive compound?
0:04:52 > 0:04:54No wonder he was hiding!
0:04:54 > 0:04:58I wonder what that man does for a living? It could be a whole conversation.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02- Four of them.- Four of them turned up, going through his papers, as you can see.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05You have come for my tax? I sold you that scarf.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09"I think that is a counterfeit designer bag that she is wearing as well.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12"I suspect it isn't real."
0:05:12 > 0:05:13- He's going to get the hit squad. - Yes.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17- He's going to get the full show. - Here come the girls.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20That's what they sing!
0:05:22 > 0:05:26"We are the hit squad, and the first hit will be Cher's I Believe."
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- Absolutely. There you- go.
0:05:31 > 0:05:35Now compare the tax advantages of being a drug dealer in Tennessee
0:05:35 > 0:05:38to those of being a bank robber in the Netherlands.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43Is it in Tennessee, they can claim back the expense
0:05:43 > 0:05:47of buying the drugs against tax, as a business expense, or something?
0:05:47 > 0:05:52- You're in the right area.- There's some kind of accounting loop-hole.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55What they tried in Tennessee was to put a duty on drugs,
0:05:55 > 0:05:58as you do on alcohol and tobacco.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02So all these criminals who are drug dealers not only went to prison,
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- but they had to pay this tax on the drugs.- Like stamp duty?
0:06:05 > 0:06:10Yes, but then constitutionally it was discovered to be against the American Bill of Rights.
0:06:10 > 0:06:15It counted as double jeopardy, because they were being punished twice for the same crime.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19So now, the state of Tennessee is paying money back to all the drug dealers.
0:06:19 > 0:06:26It's paid millions out. About 161 people have received 3.7m.
0:06:26 > 0:06:31Because there was a bit of a screw-up. They thought it was a really clever idea
0:06:31 > 0:06:34of getting extra money out of drug criminals,
0:06:34 > 0:06:37- instead of which they have lost. - They'll only spend it on drugs.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40If you are putting that with bank robbers in the Netherlands,
0:06:40 > 0:06:45- It must be that you can claim for the expense of your gun... - Yes. Absolutely right.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47There was someone who was found guilty
0:06:47 > 0:06:49of holding the place up with a gun
0:06:49 > 0:06:54and he was fined, and his gun was an allowable expense!
0:06:54 > 0:06:58So the price of his gun was deducted from his fine.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- Presumably you would need a receipt, first of all.- Yes.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04It is a working expense.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07If you commit a crime worth less than your gun,
0:07:07 > 0:07:11- you will always be ahead, to a certain extent.- Yes.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- Very expensive getaway car. - Use a Porsche as a getaway car.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Very expensive silk stockings on your face.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20- La Perla.- Absolutely.
0:07:20 > 0:07:25Presumably you'd have to prove you bought the right thing, appropriate for the crime?
0:07:25 > 0:07:29A gun like the picture is fine, if you had a ballistic missile, they're not going to cough up.
0:07:29 > 0:07:34- No. I think you are absolutely right.- Was it Robert Morley who used to run Miss World?
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- Eric Morley, I think.- Eric Morley. He claimed his racehorses
0:07:37 > 0:07:41as a tax expense! It went all the way to court with him saying,
0:07:41 > 0:07:45"Basically, I am in the business of being Eric Morley,
0:07:45 > 0:07:49"and that includes owning racehorses. To keep up my lifestyle,
0:07:49 > 0:07:52"and have the swagger of being the man that runs Miss World.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54"I need racehorses." And he won!
0:07:54 > 0:07:57- Good God!- He was able to claim it as an expense.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01I once bought a racehorse by mistake.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04What had you originally gone into the shop for?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07I was there as a tax inspector.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10You wanted a pint of Activia pouring yogurt,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12and you got a racehorse.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14Oh, you heard about that little problem I had?
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Stay with us, people.
0:08:21 > 0:08:22No, what happened was - I was at Epsom,
0:08:22 > 0:08:25and somebody had given a racehorse to auction,
0:08:25 > 0:08:28to raise money for charity. I was asked if I would auction it off.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32I said, "What am I bid for this racehorse?" And I am standing next to the horse,
0:08:32 > 0:08:35and nobody bid, so I said "well, I'll start us off.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38I said "3,000 guineas." Silence.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42- I was the only person who bid. - Stranded.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46I had come in my sports car. I had no idea how I was going to get it home.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49So, did you have to pay up?
0:08:49 > 0:08:52No, the man very nicely bought it back off me.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54- How much for?- Well, I lost on it.
0:08:54 > 0:09:00For about a minute and a half I owned a racehorse.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- Did you follow the fortunes of that horse?- No.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05I have never been to the races again, too terrifying.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Good Lord! Well, there you are.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Why does this house have bricked-up windows?
0:09:12 > 0:09:18I expect there will be a klaxon, but there was window tax, wasn't there?
0:09:18 > 0:09:20KLAXON
0:09:20 > 0:09:26Yeah, people like to go around the place, point at a blank window and say, "Yeah, window-tax".
0:09:26 > 0:09:30"Yeah, there was a window tax so they filled them in."
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Because there was a window-tax from the 1690s right up to 1851.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37- What is this? Is this a sort of 18th-century fashionably solid curtains?- Yes.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40This is just to balance the house out, basically.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45There were a lot of bricked-in ones, but this is an example where it was used to make it
0:09:45 > 0:09:46look slightly more symmetrical.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Isn't more likely that they had a child they didn't love
0:09:50 > 0:09:53and they bricked him into a part of the house?
0:09:53 > 0:09:58If you look at the brick-work, I think there was an extension somewhere... Anyway....
0:09:58 > 0:10:00That doesn't excuse the fact that
0:10:00 > 0:10:03granny has been living in that slim portion of the house.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07And they slide pieces under the door and hope that she eats.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09Was there a brick tax at one point?
0:10:09 > 0:10:13You can tell the age of some London buildings by the size of the brick.
0:10:13 > 0:10:18Is that right? Before the window tax, there was a hearth and chimney tax for fireplaces.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Then they decided the window tax was a good idea.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25In the 1850s, they realised that the British glass industry was doing badly.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28There's an example. Those were blanked out for window tax.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32People were not getting enough light and it was very disadvantageous
0:10:32 > 0:10:34for the poor, who lived in dark places.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37And also, the British glass industry was getting really depressed.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41But on the other hand, the candlemakers were raking it in!
0:10:41 > 0:10:45- There is that!- Is it or isn't it where daylight robbery comes from?
0:10:45 > 0:10:47This idea that you've taken away the windows.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50The window tax was daylight robbery. I'm not sure.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53I don't think it is. It's quite simply that you take something in plain sight.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Shameless robbery, daylight robbery.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00- That house would make a very good advent calendar.- Yes, it would!
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Imagine that. Huge chocolate behind those windows!
0:11:03 > 0:11:05LAUGHTER
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Scare the life out of the children!
0:11:07 > 0:11:11Surely somebody has rung the doorbell in those houses and gone,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13"By the way, they've repealed the window tax."
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Other countries have chosen other strange taxes.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19What do you think they taxed in Amsterdam?
0:11:19 > 0:11:21There's a narrowness, the width of the building.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24They tax the width of a house in Amsterdam.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Hence you get those extraordinary Dutch narrow houses.
0:11:27 > 0:11:32- And all of them have that, like a gable, an extended...- Pulley system.
0:11:32 > 0:11:37So everything got lifted up because the doors were too narrow to bring things in.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40But it results in beautiful architecture, don't you think?
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Nobody agrees with me. Everyone thinks it's a hideous sight.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47- I think they just look very narrow. - Well, yes.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50They're nice buildings. Could be a bit wider.
0:11:50 > 0:11:55It's the sort of building that I think, imagine if you'd forgotten something on the top floor.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59You wouldn't. You'd buy another one. Whatever it was, you'd buy another one.
0:11:59 > 0:12:04It's nice to have the stairs up, maybe in a spiral, but there should be a pole down.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- Yes.- Have you ever been down a fireman's pole?
0:12:07 > 0:12:11No, I haven't. LAUGHTER
0:12:11 > 0:12:15- He tried to keep a straight face! - In the most serious way.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18It raises another question. Why don't firemen live in bungalows?
0:12:18 > 0:12:23Why the pole? Why not be on the same level as the fire truck?
0:12:23 > 0:12:27SANDI: Because you've got to jump into your boots, haven't you?
0:12:27 > 0:12:30No, you can just put them on. Just put the boots on.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35It's Wallace and Gromit you're thinking of!
0:12:35 > 0:12:37LAUGHTER
0:12:37 > 0:12:42- Going into a fire isn't enough of an adventure. It's not exciting enough.- It's quite scary.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46I visited a fire station in Indiana and they said, "Go on, jump."
0:12:46 > 0:12:51And there's a pole and I suddenly realised, "I don't want to do this."
0:12:51 > 0:12:55I eventually did it, and it's horribly squeaky as well. Like nails on a blackboard.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58Is it like a slide that's warm?
0:12:58 > 0:13:01It should have been oiled, I feel.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03LAUGHTER
0:13:03 > 0:13:07Oil's flammable. They can't show up at a fire covered in oil!
0:13:07 > 0:13:12LAUGHTER & APPLAUSE
0:13:12 > 0:13:16You're quite right. I don't think these things through!
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Surely, there has to be training because if you jump
0:13:19 > 0:13:22and don't grab with your skin, if you grab it with cloth,
0:13:22 > 0:13:25you'll go straight down at nearly terminal velocity.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- You grab it with your legs. - You get nasty burns.- Really?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32That would be an ironic thing, to get a burn on the way to a fire!
0:13:32 > 0:13:36While they're going down, they're putting their hats on and...
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Bungalow!
0:13:39 > 0:13:43- The fire engines...- Bungalow!- The fire engines take up all the room.
0:13:43 > 0:13:44That's true.
0:13:44 > 0:13:49Two machines abreast is usual and all the living quarters were next door.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Sorry, I just thought of breasts and...
0:13:52 > 0:13:54LAUGHTER
0:13:54 > 0:13:58- Two machines? - Two machines per breast!
0:13:58 > 0:14:01LAUGHTER
0:14:02 > 0:14:04It was an odd moment, Alan, but I was with you.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07LAUGHTER
0:14:07 > 0:14:13- Some sort of pumping going on. Lifting machine, or a...- Never mind.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Anyway, talking of large tax bills,
0:14:16 > 0:14:20name the best paid sportsman of all time.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- It's not going to be one of those. - I was going to say one of those.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- I was going to say that one on the left.- Were you?
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- No, not the best laid! - KLAXON
0:14:29 > 0:14:35- That's ridiculous!- Pub crime! Pub crime from Alan Davies.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- Is it of all time?- Of all time.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41It's going to be relative, so it's going to be someone in ancient Greece.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45- Spartacus.- Imperial Rome.- Imperial Rome is indeed where we need to be.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49- Is it a gladiator of some description?- It's not a gladiator.
0:14:49 > 0:14:54- A charioteer.- A charioteer by the name of Gaius Appuleius Diocles.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58He was a Lusitanian Spaniard and he was the greatest sportsman of his age.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00He wasn't a looker though, was he?!
0:15:00 > 0:15:04Well, that may not be accurate, but we know...
0:15:04 > 0:15:05LAUGHTER
0:15:05 > 0:15:08- Horsey, shall we say that? - You're judging by the horses.
0:15:08 > 0:15:13- After a while, you do turn a little bit like the animal that you work with.- Yeah.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16He won 1462 races,
0:15:16 > 0:15:23which racked up 35,863,120 sesterces in prize-money.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26It's recorded in a monumental inscription, exactly that amount.
0:15:26 > 0:15:31He's called the Champion of all Charioteers and if you compare this to the average wage,
0:15:31 > 0:15:34and use all the calculations that people use to determine these things,
0:15:34 > 0:15:40his career winnings amounted to an equivalent of 15 billion.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Quite an astonishing amount of money.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45That would make Tiger Woods pale! Fantastic!
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Tiger Woods the first to earn a billion,
0:15:47 > 0:15:50so he's certainly the best paid of our time, but not of all time.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- I wish charioteer was rhyming slang. - For?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55You know, a queer.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- Oh! - LAUGHTER
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I think we've got enough words!
0:16:00 > 0:16:02We've got "iron" and "ginger".
0:16:02 > 0:16:04He's a charioteer.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05If we let on...
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- Chariot!
0:16:07 > 0:16:09LAUGHTER
0:16:09 > 0:16:12- - What he could tell you was... - WHINNYS
0:16:12 > 0:16:16LAUGHTER
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- Ben Hur.- Yeah, Ben Hur. - Ben Hur would suit, I think.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23If you tried to reclaim it, if you tried to empower yourself
0:16:23 > 0:16:26by using a word we invented and was never slang at all
0:16:26 > 0:16:30and you were going, "Well, yes, I am a charioteer and none of you can say it."
0:16:30 > 0:16:33It's our word. We got it back for ourselves.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36He's a charioteer of fire! Yeah.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- Down the pole...- Hey!
0:16:39 > 0:16:42You reclaimed that in under a minute. That was the fastest ever.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45It was pretty good, wasn't it? Well, anyway....
0:16:45 > 0:16:52This was in 146 AD, that he retired as the richest sportsman
0:16:52 > 0:16:56and they had four horses. There were up to 12 teams, and they would go round a lap,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59like Ben Hur there, and the skill was the cornering.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02It was incredibly difficult. He won nearly 1,500 races doing that.
0:17:02 > 0:17:08Is it true, or is it a myth that people were killed in the filming?
0:17:08 > 0:17:12In the original Ben Hur, the silent one, I think people were killed in that.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16- In the silent one, they go at phenomenal speed. - Yes, they go very, very fast.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18And nobody minded in those days.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19No, you couldn't hear a thing.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Argh...
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Just a card comes up.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Do you know the connection between Ben Hur and Billy the Kid?
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Do you know who wrote Ben Hur, the novel?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32I feel like I did know it and now I don't.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35It was a man called Wallace, the Governor of New Mexico, and he was the one
0:17:35 > 0:17:38who signed Billy the Kid's death warrant.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- That's fabulous trivia! - Isn't it?
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Well done, you. I think you should get an extra point for that.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47LAUGHTER
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- I'm reminded of an injustice that we did to you last series, Dara.- Oh?
0:17:50 > 0:17:55Do you remember, we did this thing about a louse that goes into the tongue of a fish?
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- Yes, I remember that. It was revolting.- It was revolting.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01It goes into the fish's tongue, eats it,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03and becomes the fish's tongue, and lives inside them.
0:18:03 > 0:18:08And you said, "But surely fish don't have tongues?"
0:18:08 > 0:18:13And I brushed you off in I'm sure in a friendly way. I said, "Silly".
0:18:13 > 0:18:16No, you stood over me, I remember, with a cane, and hit me.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19LAUGHTER
0:18:19 > 0:18:23You said, "Your impertinence! You're here at my mercy!"
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- It turns out fish don't have tongues.- Yes!
0:18:25 > 0:18:29- You're right so I'll to give you some points for that.- Thank you.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33They've things that look like tongues where a tongue would be, but they aren't muscle
0:18:33 > 0:18:36and don't have taste buds. They're called basihyals.
0:18:36 > 0:18:40They're quite a common dish in Newfoundland, is cod's basihyal.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43Sorry, is he going to get points for something, and we weren't even there?
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- Al?!- I know loads of stuff I haven't said.- Yeah.
0:18:46 > 0:18:51LAUGHTER
0:18:51 > 0:18:55No, no, I'm OK, because I came on in series two and since then,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58I mentioned about the dribble point of water being zero.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01On series three, I came back and they said,
0:19:01 > 0:19:04"Oh no, we've had e-mails that actually, the temperature is 0.01",
0:19:04 > 0:19:10so I was one hundredth of a degree off on this and they docked me points the following year.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- I'll happily take them, I'll take them, yeah.- Exactly.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- What goes around comes around. - Doesn't it?- Don't feel bad.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- You may get points next, two years' time.- Thanks.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20Some day, when you least expect it.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Stephen might appear and go, "Some points."
0:19:24 > 0:19:27LAUGHTER
0:19:27 > 0:19:32It isn't actually a tongue and it doesn't have tastebuds, as I say, but what's it actually for?
0:19:32 > 0:19:35Fooling Dara O Briain?
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Getting bits out of your teeth.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Sifting?
0:19:42 > 0:19:47No, it's too late. Nobody knows that's the answer. You could have waited, but nobody knows.
0:19:47 > 0:19:49If I do it now, can I have points in three years?
0:19:49 > 0:19:51LAUGHTER
0:19:51 > 0:19:54- Maybe. - I have not understood this game.
0:19:54 > 0:19:55You're not alone.
0:19:55 > 0:20:03On the subject of numbers, what is the smallest uninteresting number?
0:20:03 > 0:20:08- What do you think is an interesting number? - They're all interesting to me.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- I love numbers. - Three sounds interesting, more interesting than two.
0:20:11 > 0:20:14Three's the magic number.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Three is sexy, four his like someone who's going to fall out of bed.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20We've got to go quite high - they've fascinating properties.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22It doesn't make sense to me.
0:20:22 > 0:20:26Is the smallest most uninteresting if it was the smallest most uninteresting number?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28It's a paradox - it would make it interesting.
0:20:28 > 0:20:34In that sense, it is interesting but nonetheless, it is, in mathematical terms, the least interesting number.
0:20:34 > 0:20:40But we're aware of the paradox. So, we're ignoring the paradox side of it, because it is quite interesting.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43There is a number...
0:20:43 > 0:20:46And is it only of numerical interest or does it have a physical interest as well?
0:20:46 > 0:20:50Do you know the Hardy-Ramanujan story, do you know that?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52I know so many Hardy- Ramanujan stories(!)
0:20:52 > 0:20:54There was a very, very great mathematician,
0:20:54 > 0:20:57probably one of the three greatest mathematicians ever
0:20:57 > 0:21:03called Ramanujan, who was an entirely self-taught Indian from Tamil Nadu, a remarkable man.
0:21:03 > 0:21:08He was the first Indian to be a Fellow of the Royal Society and to be Fellow of an Oxbridge college.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12He did some collaborative work with GH Hardy at Trinity College Cambridge,
0:21:12 > 0:21:15who was then the most famous mathematician around.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19But he ended up in a hospital. People thought he may have had tuberculosis. He was dying.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- It's an incredibly sad story. - Three years, I think he was there for.- Yes.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26But remarkable work. Anyway, Hardy went in one day to sit at his bedside
0:21:26 > 0:21:30and couldn't think of anything to say and said, "Well, Ramanujan,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33"the licence number of the cab I came in was rather dull.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36"1729, that's not a very interesting number, is it?"
0:21:36 > 0:21:38And Ramanujan instantly said,
0:21:38 > 0:21:41"On the contrary. It's the smallest number that is expressible
0:21:41 > 0:21:44"as the sum of two cubes in two different ways."
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Which is pretty extraordinary, I think you have to admit?
0:21:47 > 0:21:50You've got to have quite a mathematical mind to see that.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52That, for example, is an interesting number.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56I feel like Homer Simpson at the moment.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57LAUGHTER
0:21:57 > 0:21:59- Anyway, there is... - There is a number?
0:21:59 > 0:22:04So we can get this and put these people out of their misery, their mathematical misery?
0:22:04 > 0:22:09There is an online encyclopaedia on integer sequences which lists
0:22:09 > 0:22:12thousands of sequences of integers which all have different qualities
0:22:12 > 0:22:16and the smallest number, which does not appear in any of these lists
0:22:16 > 0:22:20and is therefore uninteresting, is 12,407.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22But as Sandi said, that makes it interesting.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26- You feel kind of sad for it. - That's awful!- 12,407.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Now it's the most famous number in the country!
0:22:28 > 0:22:31It now becomes, we hope, the most famous, after 1729.
0:22:31 > 0:22:35But it will now go on a list of Qi facts. So now it will be on a list.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Google it now and it will appear.
0:22:37 > 0:22:42Yeah, but in pure mathematical terms, in arithmetical terms, it will remain uninteresting.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44You could stick it on Big Brother.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46You could let it win Britain's Got Talent.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Mathematicians will always regard it as dull.
0:22:49 > 0:22:55What happened, Sandi, is that it is still arithmetically uninteresting
0:22:55 > 0:22:57but it has become culturally interesting.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00- Ah!- I think that's the difference. - Very good.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02On that bombshell, let's move on.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Now for something terribly important.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Why did the MoD want the PM to join the AA?
0:23:08 > 0:23:12The present - David Cameron PM? Or any?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15The Prime Minister was Harold Macmillan.
0:23:15 > 0:23:19Did the MoD want the country to become part of the temperance movement?
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- Was there some...? - No, it's not that AA.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25- The Automobile Association. - The Automobile Association, exactly.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27- Really?- Yes.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29So, Harold Macmillan was Prime Minister.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- What was going on in the world around that time?- Cold War.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34The Cold War was at its absolute height.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37And they knew that Kennedy had this system where wherever he was,
0:23:37 > 0:23:40he could retaliate if the Soviets sent missiles
0:23:40 > 0:23:43and they thought, well we'd better have a similar system.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46And they thought, well...
0:23:46 > 0:23:48There's Lord Mountbatten, chief of staff,
0:23:48 > 0:23:52and they said, "We better have men going around with the Prime Minister
0:23:52 > 0:23:56"who've got radios and things in case there's news of a Soviet attack."
0:23:56 > 0:23:59They said it was too expensive, and the Prime Minister said,
0:23:59 > 0:24:01"I don't want people following me around all the time."
0:24:01 > 0:24:04They said, "We'll use the system the AA use."
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Basically, the idea was that they would get a signal
0:24:07 > 0:24:11from the AA to the car if the Soviets had launched a strike.
0:24:11 > 0:24:16That would mean the Prime Minister could then stop off at the nearest telephone
0:24:16 > 0:24:18and issue the order for a counter-strike.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21And there were some very exciting memos.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23This is very British. You'll like this.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Brian Saunders, the secretary to the minister, said:
0:24:26 > 0:24:29"It will presumably be necessary for someone to make
0:24:29 > 0:24:32"a daily or weekly call to the AA control station
0:24:32 > 0:24:35"as a check that they're in working order, and I understand
0:24:35 > 0:24:39"that if an emergency arose while the Prime Minister was on the road,
0:24:39 > 0:24:42"the proposal is to use the radio to get him to a telephone.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46"Perhaps we should see that our drivers are provided with four pennies."
0:24:46 > 0:24:48LAUGHTER
0:24:48 > 0:24:52Imagine stopping... "All right, we've got the signal!
0:24:52 > 0:24:54"There are bombs on the way from the Soviet Union.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57"Stop off at the nearest kiosk." And nobody's got any money.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59But they thought about that. But no!
0:24:59 > 0:25:02The Prime Minister's private principal secretary replied:
0:25:02 > 0:25:06"Shortage of pennies should not present any difficulties such as you envisage.
0:25:06 > 0:25:11"In such cases it's a simple matter of have the cost of any telephone call transferred
0:25:11 > 0:25:14"by dialling 100 and requesting reversal of the charge."
0:25:14 > 0:25:17LAUGHTER
0:25:17 > 0:25:19This is all true!
0:25:19 > 0:25:24"This doesn't take any appreciable extra time. The system works in both normal and STD telephone kiosks
0:25:24 > 0:25:27"and our drivers are well aware of it."
0:25:27 > 0:25:29So, we were safe all the time.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32The Prime Minister would have got a message, said,
0:25:32 > 0:25:35"Look, there's a red kiosk", would have stopped,
0:25:35 > 0:25:38got in and called up the operator and said,
0:25:38 > 0:25:46"I want to call the Ministry of Defence bunker and could you reverse the charge?"
0:25:46 > 0:25:50It's the Prime Minister here, get off the line.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Now it's time to include all of our incompetencies into one
0:25:53 > 0:25:56easily managed inquiry that we call General Ignorance.
0:25:56 > 0:26:01Fingers on buzzers. What does the eye represent on the US dollar?
0:26:01 > 0:26:02BUZZER
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- Yes, Al? - Freemasonry?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07SIRENS AND BELLS
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Oh, I knew it. You fell into our trap.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14The eye was used as a symbol in freemasonry after the design of the dollar.
0:26:14 > 0:26:19It is just an All-seeing Providence, supposedly, that's just to show..
0:26:19 > 0:26:22It's a bit trippy though, isn't it?
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- It is a weird thing to have on. - Benjamin Franklin, it's true, was a Mason.
0:26:25 > 0:26:30He was the only one on the design committee of the dollar bill who was a Mason.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34But, he wasn't on the final committee and the eye was not used as a Masonic symbol until after.
0:26:34 > 0:26:39- A committee designed that?- Yes. - It would be remarkable to get that passed at committee.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42- They go, "Yeah, why don't we stick a..." - We're all agreed!
0:26:42 > 0:26:43A floating eye on top of a pyramid!
0:26:43 > 0:26:48We'd like a floating, freaky, disembodied eye. We all like that? Sounds like a great idea!
0:26:48 > 0:26:51- Let's all do that. - I still want the cock and balls.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54LAUGHTER
0:26:54 > 0:26:59Are you sure we just don't want light and natural scene, maybe a river, something normal?
0:26:59 > 0:27:04No, no, no, a floating eye, a floating, disembodied all-seeing eye above a pyramid.
0:27:04 > 0:27:08What could be more American than that? OK.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12All right. What noise does a mute swan make?
0:27:12 > 0:27:16- And you're allowed to do an imitation, if you like.- 'Allo.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19LAUGHTER
0:27:19 > 0:27:20I could break your arm.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24LAUGHTER
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Does that, doesn't it?
0:27:26 > 0:27:29HE MOUTHS SIRENS AND BELLS
0:27:29 > 0:27:30Oh! Dear, oh dear, oh dear.
0:27:30 > 0:27:35Well, you'd think being called a mute swan... I'm afraid again you've fallen into our trap.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37They hoot, don't they, like a goose?
0:27:37 > 0:27:39There's a range of noises that swans make -
0:27:39 > 0:27:41hitting, snorting, grunting and indeed honking.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44They do all those noises.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47They do it more quietly than other species of swan
0:27:47 > 0:27:49and therefore they were called the mute swan.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52They make a very loud noise when they fly.
0:27:52 > 0:27:56They're the heaviest bird that flies in all nature.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00They're rubbish landers, though, they are.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03They come in, and the feet are going like this.
0:28:03 > 0:28:07- That's my swan impersonation, landing on the Thames.- Very good.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09LAUGHTER
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Which brings us nicely to the swansong of the scores
0:28:12 > 0:28:15and what remarkable reading they make too, ladies and gentlemen.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19In first place with a majestic plus 11, Sandi Toksvig.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22APPLAUSE
0:28:22 > 0:28:26And in a very creditable second place, with plus six, Dara O Briain.
0:28:26 > 0:28:30APPLAUSE
0:28:30 > 0:28:35And first time up, Al Murray can hardly be ashamed of minus 13.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38APPLAUSE
0:28:38 > 0:28:43And Alan is all too used to bringing up the rear with minus 22.
0:28:43 > 0:28:45APPLAUSE
0:28:50 > 0:28:54All that's left for me to do is to thank Sandi, Dara, Alan and of course, Alan
0:28:54 > 0:28:58and I leave you with this piece of sound financial advice from Will Rogers:
0:28:58 > 0:29:02"A fool and his money are soon elected."
0:29:02 > 0:29:03Good night.
0:29:03 > 0:29:05APPLAUSE
0:29:21 > 0:29:23Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:23 > 0:29:26E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk