0:00:28 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:34Goo-ood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:34 > 0:00:38good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.
0:00:38 > 0:00:44Welcome to tonight's QI where we're giving ourselves up to an evening of idleness and indolence.
0:00:44 > 0:00:50Joining me in the hammock with a large gin and tonic in this week's edition of Knitting Today,
0:00:50 > 0:00:53we have the inactive Ross Noble.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:01:00The immobile Dara O Briain.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:07The indolent Jeremy Clarkson.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09APPLAUSE
0:01:11 > 0:01:15And the simply inoperative Alan Davies.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17APPLAUSE
0:01:20 > 0:01:27Should any of our panel feel the need to bother with their buzzers, they sound like this. Ross goes...
0:01:27 > 0:01:30- BUZZER - Dara goes...
0:01:30 > 0:01:32- BUZZER - Jeremy goes...
0:01:32 > 0:01:35- BUZZER - And Alan goes...
0:01:36 > 0:01:38NO SOUND
0:01:38 > 0:01:40Have another go.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42BUZZER
0:01:43 > 0:01:46It's that kind of a lazy, lazy day.
0:01:46 > 0:01:51And before we dive in, I should remind our panel of the Nobody Knows joker.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54TRUMPET FANFARE 'Nobody knows.'
0:01:54 > 0:01:58For this series, there may be a question to which the answer is "nobody knows".
0:01:58 > 0:02:03If you think I've asked that question, wave the question mark as Alan demonstrated.
0:02:03 > 0:02:10We might as well shamble along into a question. I've got my hands on the American nuclear trigger.
0:02:10 > 0:02:16Without putting yourselves to too much effort, see if you can tell me what the code is.
0:02:16 > 0:02:22- The secret trigger code?- The secret trigger code given to every President between 1960 and 1977.
0:02:22 > 0:02:28I think that if you've got to remember it under pressure and it would be a pressured situation,
0:02:28 > 0:02:32beginning the end of the world, it's got to be something quite simple.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36It's zero-zero-zero-zero, zero-zero-zero-zero.
0:02:36 > 0:02:42- That literally was the code. Four zeros twice - eight. - Eight zeros?- Eight zeros.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- I'm good at maths, me! - Eight zeros. That was the password.
0:02:45 > 0:02:52Is that because it's just about the end of the world and you go, "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ohh"?
0:02:52 > 0:02:55APPLAUSE
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Did the President, when he was testing this,
0:02:59 > 0:03:02did he do the chip and pin, that little dance you do
0:03:02 > 0:03:07when the shopkeeper is looking at you and you kind of go... pretend to press...
0:03:07 > 0:03:09Or the...
0:03:09 > 0:03:12I just do a cover.
0:03:12 > 0:03:18Have you not noticed polite shopkeepers now do this which is when you nick all the penny chews?
0:03:18 > 0:03:20LAUGHTER
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Our fingers pretend to do other numbers.
0:03:23 > 0:03:27You're there with the lovely Debbie McGee, going...
0:03:27 > 0:03:28Ta-da!
0:03:28 > 0:03:34While you're doing your number, you say a different number slightly under your breath.
0:03:34 > 0:03:40- That's like rubbing your tummy and patting your head.- 4577.- That is clever.- "His number's 4577..."
0:03:40 > 0:03:46The people I most hated at school were those who in a test did that as if one cared what drivel...
0:03:46 > 0:03:51- That's because you're not an idiot. - Oh, no, it's such a creepy way of behaving.
0:03:51 > 0:03:56So I always just do it like that, grandly make sure that my number...
0:03:56 > 0:03:58I published mine in The Sun once.
0:03:58 > 0:04:03- I remember that.- It went badly wrong.- That was very funny. - I couldn't understand it.
0:04:03 > 0:04:09They were complaining that everybody's bank details had been left on a train by a civil servant.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13I thought that makes no difference. All they can do is make a deposit.
0:04:13 > 0:04:17So I published my bank account number. "What will you do with that?"
0:04:17 > 0:04:21And the Diabetic Society helped themselves to 500 quid.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:25 > 0:04:26Well...
0:04:28 > 0:04:34As far as passwords are concerned, what do you think is the current state of advice?
0:04:34 > 0:04:40I'm sure everyone watching probably has passwords for anything from bank accounts to social media.
0:04:40 > 0:04:46- What's the advice?- The advice is that you should have a different password for everything you have
0:04:46 > 0:04:51and that it must always contain at least eight digits,
0:04:51 > 0:04:56some of which should be numbers and some letters, and you mustn't write them down anywhere.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Exactly. That's the point. That kind of advice is useless.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04There isn't a human being on the planet you would want to meet
0:05:04 > 0:05:08who is capable of having all those in his head at the same time.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11The current advice is don't bother about writing it down
0:05:11 > 0:05:15if you've written it down and it's in a drawer in your desk.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19You're more likely to have your password stolen online by malware
0:05:19 > 0:05:24than by a burglar getting into your house and seeing it written down.
0:05:24 > 0:05:30If you need lots of different ones for different things, do what I do and have each of the Seven Dwarfs...
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- Oh, shit!- You've given it away now.
0:05:33 > 0:05:40A burglar breaking into your house is usually a lot less interested in information theft
0:05:40 > 0:05:42than in selling your television.
0:05:42 > 0:05:46This idea of writing it down being dangerous was oversold.
0:05:46 > 0:05:51There is a complete mismatch between a person who'll get your password by using technology
0:05:51 > 0:05:54and a person who breaks into your house to get your TV.
0:05:54 > 0:05:59You've really got to watch them smackhead geeks. They're the ones, the real ones.
0:06:00 > 0:06:05They go around like that with glasses on. Forget it. It's over.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09Have you noticed, if you've ever tried to wire up a Wi-Fi router,
0:06:09 > 0:06:15when you're on the phone to a man in India and he says, "Go and read the numbers off the back of the router",
0:06:15 > 0:06:18why does it have a password on the back of the router?
0:06:18 > 0:06:24There's a default password that you can change by going in, using your web browser.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- You can access your... - SEVERAL VOICES TALK AT ONCE
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Are you a Help Desk of some description?
0:06:30 > 0:06:36I am a bloody Help Desk. All my friends call me up just because I'm a boring nerd.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40- What you're saying is correct... - "Have you tried turning it off?"
0:06:40 > 0:06:44"Take the card out and hit it with your teeth!" Have you had that one?
0:06:44 > 0:06:47- With your teeth? - Yeah, like that.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52No, no, he went, "I've got Jeremy Clarkson on the phone."
0:06:52 > 0:06:55"Shove it up your arse. Go on." LAUGHTER
0:06:58 > 0:07:00APPLAUSE
0:07:00 > 0:07:03You can see it coming a mile off!
0:07:03 > 0:07:08"You know that petrol you love so much? Pour it on your head and have a cigarette. Go on."
0:07:08 > 0:07:14The greatest danger when setting a password is thinking of a word that sounds cool at the time.
0:07:14 > 0:07:19Cos you go, "Oh, superspy, that'll be a good one!"
0:07:19 > 0:07:24Suddenly, you go, "I'll have a whole other identity. It'll be amazing. I'll be The Raven."
0:07:24 > 0:07:29And you'll forget your spy name the next time you go to check your Hotmail account.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31"Was it The Hawk? No.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- LAUGHTER - "Was it The Eagle? No..."
0:07:34 > 0:07:41I've never been able to read these incomprehensible bits of scribbly writing you're supposed to reproduce
0:07:41 > 0:07:44- to show that you're not a bot. - "Captchas", they're called.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Apparently, computers can't scan in and recognise a wavy "3"
0:07:48 > 0:07:53or can't tell a kitten from a rabbit, which is the weird thing.
0:07:53 > 0:07:59"Which of these are kittens?" Click, click, click and then the rabbit... But robots haven't worked this out.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02This is how we will win the war.
0:08:02 > 0:08:06- LAUGHTER - "Which of these two animals do you like?"
0:08:06 > 0:08:12You've got a problem if it says to come up with a password and you're just holding up kittens.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16I'd rub them off the screen. Is that not what you're supposed to do?
0:08:16 > 0:08:23- I'd find as many kittens as the computer asks for.- Lots of static electricity. Just put them up there.
0:08:23 > 0:08:29- MAKES MIAOWING SOUND - Static is only so strong. Over time, they'll slowly begin to slide down.
0:08:29 > 0:08:35That's exactly why I do it. I have a kitten and a puppy and I bet on which one gets down first.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37That's why I don't have a computer.
0:08:37 > 0:08:43It's strange how the biometric systems that have been in movies for at least 30 years,
0:08:43 > 0:08:47retinal scans, thumbprints and so on, aren't really used.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51A lot of laptops ask for a thumb, but they haven't really taken off.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54- I love the eye thing at airports. - You do use those?
0:08:54 > 0:09:00Yes, it's really good getting very drunk on the plane, so your eyes are completely bloodshot.
0:09:00 > 0:09:06You think, "They'll never do it this time. I'll be locked in this box for ever." It always knows it's me!
0:09:06 > 0:09:12In the airport, you know when you go through the first security bit and they take your photograph?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15What I do is I do a different hairstyle.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20Like that, then change it for the next time.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Whom is that inconveniencing more?
0:09:22 > 0:09:24The security person or you?
0:09:24 > 0:09:30Who's the one who's having things looked up their bottom and missing their flight?
0:09:30 > 0:09:35Well, you know, there's only so much time you can kill in duty free. isn't there?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Why not shove something unusual up there?
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Go on, guess what that is, guess what it is!
0:09:41 > 0:09:45I went through Gatwick to get on a flight to Spain.
0:09:45 > 0:09:51You know the way some people behind you get stopped and they go, "You've got fluids," or whatever?
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Or they go, "You can't do this."
0:09:54 > 0:09:59And they all started laughing. They said, "I'm sorry, sir, you can't bring this."
0:09:59 > 0:10:05It was like one of those two-litre bottles of soft drink filled with water and a fish floating around!
0:10:05 > 0:10:07LAUGHTER
0:10:09 > 0:10:14- They wanted to take their fish on holiday? - They brought their fish with them.
0:10:14 > 0:10:21You could see your man going, "The fish is grand, it's not the problem, but you can't bring the fluid."
0:10:21 > 0:10:26Are you sure it wasn't just a Japanese couple and that was their packed lunch?
0:10:26 > 0:10:31- You'd just have to drink a bit of the water.- To prove that this is...?
0:10:31 > 0:10:36- To prove it's not a... - Presumably, the fish is already proving they're not making a bomb.
0:10:36 > 0:10:40- LAUGHTER - "We did think, but evidently not..."
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- Fish don't swim in nitroglycerine! - LAUGHTER
0:10:43 > 0:10:46It's been trained to swim in explosive fluid!
0:10:47 > 0:10:51That is exactly how I found out that I really like baby food
0:10:51 > 0:10:55because they said, "Can you eat a bit of the baby food?"
0:10:55 > 0:10:58I went, "All right... That's good!"
0:10:59 > 0:11:02"We'll get some more for the child. Give her peanuts."
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- Delicious!- Stewed apple. - Oh, yes, lovely.
0:11:06 > 0:11:12The point is, there's more chance of someone tracking your computer than breaking into your house.
0:11:12 > 0:11:17You might be better off choosing a complicated password and writing it down.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21Since we've got nothing better to do, what about a board game?
0:11:21 > 0:11:26Why was Alfred's Game so much more successful than Alfred's Other Game?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28- That is Alfred who is...- Scrabble?
0:11:28 > 0:11:31Yes, Scrabble is the answer.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35- Alfred Butts.- And he sold that for bugger-all.- It's interesting.
0:11:35 > 0:11:41He had the idea of the board and the 15 by 15 squares and the triple letter and double word and so on.
0:11:41 > 0:11:48He made them himself. In the early '50s, it was in the shops of New York and it wasn't a great success.
0:11:48 > 0:11:54The chap who ran Macy's, the famous department store, he played it one Christmas and he went nuts for it.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57The following year, it sold four million.
0:11:57 > 0:12:03It was the fastest growing game in the history of that genre of games. It just completely went wild.
0:12:03 > 0:12:09And all he got, I say "all", was about 1.6 million, Butts, the inventor.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13He said, "It allowed me to have a wonderful life." He was proud of it.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17He then produced another game which he called Alfred's Other Game.
0:12:17 > 0:12:22That wasn't a hit, despite the lady in the black, busty dress.
0:12:22 > 0:12:28The principle of the scoring is pretty obvious. He used the frequency of letters in English.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32The highest score you could have from one word has been worked out.
0:12:32 > 0:12:35I wonder if you know what that word is? It's unlikely.
0:12:35 > 0:12:41- The highest I got was "underpass" on two triple word scores. - Very good. I did "bezique" once.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44- You would though, wouldn't you? - That was very lucky.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48- You would have "underpass", wouldn't you?- "Underpass" is good.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51You've got to use all seven. You get the plus 50...
0:12:51 > 0:12:57The most irritating thing about playing Scrabble is when people use words that aren't in common usage.
0:12:57 > 0:13:03- Just earlier this year, they announced that "grrl" is now a word, but it isn't.- No, it isn't.
0:13:03 > 0:13:09And I have my house rule which is you can't use a word you don't know the meaning of.
0:13:09 > 0:13:13- I'd go even further than that.- Some people just learn lists of words.
0:13:13 > 0:13:19- Why put in a word that you just...? - Do you let people have the list of two-letter words?- No.- No.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21"Jo" is a classic case in point.
0:13:21 > 0:13:27I know it means "love", but I never use the word "jo" in conversation. Therefore, you can't have it.
0:13:27 > 0:13:31- Or people who spell "axe" in the American way.- Without the E.- No!
0:13:31 > 0:13:37- Do you know the most commonly played word in Scrabble?- "Penis." - No.- It is in my house.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- It's rather thrilling.- "Gay"?
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- No, not "gay".- It's a good word.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- It's a fine word.- Seven points.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47- WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: QI!- QI, thank you.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50"Qi" is the most commonly played word in Scrabble.
0:13:50 > 0:13:55It's a Q that doesn't need a U and if it's on a triple letter, you score well.
0:13:55 > 0:14:00It's the Chinese for the "life force". If you could play the word
0:14:00 > 0:14:06and it would involve intersecting with many other words because it's longer than seven letters,
0:14:06 > 0:14:08if you could get "oxyphenbutazone",
0:14:08 > 0:14:12there is a technical, potential score of 1,178.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16- Just for playing that...- And I bet you've done it.- Never, no.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Is this Call My Bluff?
0:14:18 > 0:14:23Can I just point out, I'm dyslexic, I've never played Scrabble.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26To me, playing Scrabble is like decorating a bathroom.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31- That is unfortunate.- Finished!
0:14:31 > 0:14:37My next question on idleness is what did the dormouse do on his gap year?
0:14:37 > 0:14:41- There's a dormouse. Aren't they charming?- Sweet.
0:14:41 > 0:14:48- I suppose you know the most obvious thing about a dormouse is... - They sleep in teapots?- Well...
0:14:48 > 0:14:53- According to Lewis Carroll they do. - They're very quiet.- They're not mice.
0:14:53 > 0:15:00- Obviously, yes. - They're not doors, either. - They're neither doors, nor mice.
0:15:00 > 0:15:05- The dorm is the key. The dormancy of them.- They sleep. - They spend so much time asleep.
0:15:05 > 0:15:12- They're the only animal that will hibernate for 18 months, sometimes. Aww, look at him asleep.- He's dead!
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- Oh, shush!- He's dead!
0:15:14 > 0:15:17- Shush!- He has been killed...
0:15:17 > 0:15:22That creature has been killed by those falling nuts.
0:15:22 > 0:15:26- No!- He tried to pick them up. - They live a surprisingly long life.
0:15:26 > 0:15:33- If they're asleep for 18 months... 18 months?!- They see how the harvest is going to be on the beech trees
0:15:33 > 0:15:40very early in the season and if they think there won't be many nuts, they just sleep through.
0:15:40 > 0:15:45They eat as much as they possibly can, put on huge amounts of fat and sleep. Quite astonishing.
0:15:45 > 0:15:52At our house you can see the river from the bottom of the garden and we were showing this to people
0:15:52 > 0:15:59who'd brought their kids. And a squirrel came down off a tree and scampered to the water's edge.
0:15:59 > 0:16:04This is the Thames. And it started swimming in the water.
0:16:04 > 0:16:09You could see the ripple where he was going, the tail, when wet...
0:16:09 > 0:16:16And we're all going, "This is fantastic! Look at him swim!" And then all the parents go, "Jesus!
0:16:16 > 0:16:23"I hope he can swim all the way otherwise we're encouraging our children to watch a squirrel drown."
0:16:23 > 0:16:28"Someone go out there, just in case he doesn't make it! I'll go."
0:16:28 > 0:16:32And the squirrel goes, "Jesus, they're coming for me!"
0:16:32 > 0:16:37- Tell me he made it.- He disappeared from view and then, as we go,
0:16:37 > 0:16:43"We have to explain death to these children," emerges out of the water, shakes himself off,
0:16:43 > 0:16:46tail - whoomp! Runs into the trees.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49- Oh...- He swam the Thames? APPLAUSE
0:16:49 > 0:16:55- He swam the Thames.- I'm very happy. - And raised 400 quid for Sport Relief.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57LAUGHTER
0:16:57 > 0:17:02You have to watch the last item on every local news coverage
0:17:02 > 0:17:06because two minutes later he was on water skis.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Now...
0:17:08 > 0:17:14could you demonstrate the best way to sit the dolls you've been given, which you should find somewhere,
0:17:14 > 0:17:18in a chair? We're really after what's best for the back.
0:17:18 > 0:17:25- You've got a chair and a bendy... - 'His politics are terrifying.' Please don't pull the string.
0:17:25 > 0:17:31- These are Stigs that you can buy in shops.- You pull the string and Clarkson speaks?
0:17:31 > 0:17:37Could anything give nightmares to children more? You're not Woody from Toy Story, are you?
0:17:37 > 0:17:42Well, what we're after is what you think, what you seriously think,
0:17:42 > 0:17:47is possibly the healthiest way to sit at a chair in an office.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51I can reveal that this is how the Stig actually sits in a chair.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53There.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57- You've all gone for very unusual postures.- Yes, I love those.
0:17:57 > 0:18:02The head just came off mine and he revealed himself to be Action Man.
0:18:02 > 0:18:07- I knew it! You're all doing very interesting shapes.- There you go.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10That's good for his back, is it?
0:18:10 > 0:18:13Oddly enough, Clarkson wins.
0:18:13 > 0:18:19- It's not difficult!- You win because you're right, not just because you're the least wrong.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23The idea was that sitting up straight was good for your back.
0:18:23 > 0:18:29Actually, quite a steep backward... 30-odd degrees, is much better for you.
0:18:29 > 0:18:36It's a bit unfortunate if you slip off your chair. It looks lazy, so bosses never like to see it,
0:18:36 > 0:18:40but you can say, "It said on QI so it must be true,"
0:18:40 > 0:18:44or you can point to the research that's been done.
0:18:44 > 0:18:50You know if you use a chair like a lion tamer uses a chair? Would that repel a cat?
0:18:50 > 0:18:57- That's how you start, I guess. Start on a cat and you build up through the feline species.- Really?
0:18:57 > 0:19:01- You start with a smaller chair? - No, you start with a cat.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05I'd start with a lion and a really huge chair.
0:19:05 > 0:19:09- No, start with a small cat and a small chair.- I see.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Use Stig to show me where the nasty man touched you, Alan.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16LAUGHTER Stephen...
0:19:16 > 0:19:18Oh, dear!
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Put them all away now, children.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23Thank you...
0:19:23 > 0:19:28- This must have been...- Yes? - I've got bloody Jim Henson here!
0:19:28 > 0:19:33Oh, look, look, actually. What we can do is have
0:19:33 > 0:19:36our very own mock execution.
0:19:37 > 0:19:42JEREMY: All we need now is a saw and there you go.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45FRANTIC BUZZING
0:19:48 > 0:19:50APPLAUSE
0:19:52 > 0:19:58Just because you revealed his identity in a book, you've got to fry him. Unfair.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Moving on, if you can put away your toys...
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Let's have an ingenious interlude now.
0:20:05 > 0:20:10I want you all to make a homopolar motor. You should have a bowl with these.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14This was first done in 1820 by one of the great scientists
0:20:14 > 0:20:16and it's rather amazing.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20You've got a wood screw, a magnet, a piece of wire and a battery.
0:20:20 > 0:20:25- A homophobic motor, did you say? - No! Homopolar!- Homopolar.
0:20:25 > 0:20:30It means you get rather depressed and you're gay. No, shush.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34- Sir? Sir? What do you have to do? - Watch the tape behind.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37The tape behind.
0:20:38 > 0:20:40Take the screw...
0:20:40 > 0:20:45- ..in your...- You touch it. - ..in your right hand...
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Wha...?!
0:20:47 > 0:20:49What's he doing now?
0:20:49 > 0:20:54Is that just stuck to the...? What's he done? Oh, I see.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- Ohh!- That's it.
0:20:57 > 0:21:03- Holy moly! If this works... - It's extraordinary how fast it goes round.- Jesus!
0:21:03 > 0:21:08- It spins round so fast...- Oh, yeah! - It really, really does.
0:21:08 > 0:21:13- It's still going! I'm not even connected!- Why doesn't mine work?
0:21:13 > 0:21:19- Why is that working?- Look at that! - If I was to use the power from the buzzer
0:21:19 > 0:21:23- and just stick that... - It's going without the wire.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26BUZZ-BUZZ-BUZZ
0:21:26 > 0:21:31- It's slowing down.- What?- Slowing down.- You don't need the wire.
0:21:33 > 0:21:38- Your finger might be completing the circuit.- I've got sparks!
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- I dropped it down there.- Oh, dear.
0:21:41 > 0:21:49Perhaps you could be kind... Thank you. Michael Faraday demonstrated it all that time ago in 1820.
0:21:49 > 0:21:53And the ingenious thing about it is the speed at which it goes round.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56It goes at about 10,000rpm.
0:21:56 > 0:22:02All right, into the ice-cold shower of general ignorance we plunge ourselves. Fingers on buzzers.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05If they're still working, Ross.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09- We live in a spiral galaxy, don't we? Yes, thank you.- It's fine.
0:22:09 > 0:22:15We live in a spiral galaxy called the Milky Way. How many arms does that spiral have?
0:22:15 > 0:22:17- Two.- No.
0:22:17 > 0:22:22- 'Nobody knows!'- Yes, you're right! We don't know. Very good.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26APPLAUSE
0:22:27 > 0:22:32- And the reason we don't know is because we're inside it. - We couldn't possibly know.
0:22:32 > 0:22:40We can see distant galaxies and count their arms, but our own, when you're inside, you can't tell.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44Now can you be bothered to tell me what make and model of car this is?
0:22:49 > 0:22:55- Yes?- It's a three-wheeler. You drove one hilariously and kept falling over at corners.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Is it a Robin Reliant?
0:22:58 > 0:23:03KLAXON That was really mean of me. I knew someone would do that.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07- Everyone calls it a Robin Reliant. - It's not a Robin Reliant.
0:23:07 > 0:23:12- It's a Regal supervan.- Yes. - The Robin was a different model.
0:23:12 > 0:23:18It gets in the way of Mr Bean's Mini as well. People think that's a Robin Reliant.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21They are these Regal supervans.
0:23:21 > 0:23:27You have driven a Reliant Robin. Would you like to remind yourself of that experience?
0:23:27 > 0:23:30This was setting off in it. Sheffield.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33You get to the first corner and...
0:23:33 > 0:23:35That was a fast one
0:23:35 > 0:23:38and then it rolled over again.
0:23:38 > 0:23:43And then it rolled over all day. And then it rolled in the river. LAUGHTER
0:23:43 > 0:23:48Now apparently letters came to your office saying
0:23:48 > 0:23:55- that if "Mr So-called Jeremy Clarkson..." - On So-called Top So-Called Gear, yes.
0:23:55 > 0:24:01"..knew how to drive the Robin, he would know you cannot drive it at speed."
0:24:01 > 0:24:06- As if you were all incredibly disappointed.- Oh, bother!
0:24:06 > 0:24:12Oh, no, it's rolled over again. I must drive more carefully so it's completely boring.
0:24:12 > 0:24:18- You challenged the Stig to drive it. - He rolled it over.- First corner. - It was unbelievably comfortable.
0:24:18 > 0:24:24You'd be very surprised. As it flops over, I don't know if it's the shape, but... "That's nice."
0:24:24 > 0:24:31It's quite annoying to be sitting bolt upright. Everybody looks a bit idiotic when they're driving.
0:24:31 > 0:24:35And so to think, "I'm a bit weary. Oh, yes..."
0:24:35 > 0:24:39- And have a lie down. - I once flipped a Land Rover.
0:24:39 > 0:24:46The thing went over, onto its roof, onto its side. My wife's lip gloss hit me in the face.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50And then the sat nav on the dashboard just came crashing down
0:24:50 > 0:24:56and I was lying there, dust all over the place, and the sat nav went, "Off route. Recalculating."
0:24:56 > 0:24:58LAUGHTER
0:24:58 > 0:25:04- "If possible, do a U-turn." - I just remembered, when we did rolling the Reliant Robin over,
0:25:04 > 0:25:10Health and Safety got involved and they made us take every single thing out of the car,
0:25:10 > 0:25:16including my cigarettes and lighter, lest these catapult around and smack me in the eye.
0:25:16 > 0:25:22So every thing was taken out. Then they put in this sort of window-breaking hammer.
0:25:22 > 0:25:29A very substantial piece of steel. A window punch. And they put that on the centre console.
0:25:29 > 0:25:34And the abiding memory I have was this spike going...pshhh!
0:25:34 > 0:25:39The safety equipment bloody nearly took my head off.
0:25:39 > 0:25:46Unhealth and lack of safety gone mad. I'm thinking of training either as a doctor or a vet.
0:25:46 > 0:25:52Obviously I want the... Good God. I want the shortest possible course. Which should I choose?
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Which is the quickest one to become?
0:25:55 > 0:25:58I'll do it. Ready? Doctors.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01KLAXON
0:26:01 > 0:26:06People have it in their heads that it takes longer to qualify as a vet than as a doctor. It doesn't.
0:26:06 > 0:26:12By about two years it doesn't. A veterinary degree takes 5 or 6 years,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15but to become a British GP is a minimum of 9 years.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19And then 12 years to be a hospital consultant.
0:26:19 > 0:26:26- How long was it for vets? - Vets, it depends on the course, but five or six years.- OK.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30They have the highest suicide rate, do they not?
0:26:30 > 0:26:36- The only people who want to be vets are people who love animals. - And most of the time they...
0:26:36 > 0:26:40"I love animals. I so want to be a vet." And you study for six years
0:26:40 > 0:26:44- and then all you do is drive around killing animals.- Put them to sleep!
0:26:44 > 0:26:47"My dog's not well."
0:26:47 > 0:26:51"My horse! It's been in the family..."
0:26:51 > 0:26:58- Eventually, it's going to get to you. You'll get fed up.- If you're doing them three at a time!
0:26:58 > 0:27:04You're not quite as emotionally attached as you previously were! You're popping them gang-stylee!
0:27:04 > 0:27:09You're lining them up three in a row to see how many you can do...
0:27:09 > 0:27:15I'm sometimes terrified when our vet comes to shoot the donkeys or the horses.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19"Donkey or horse - you decide." LAUGHTER
0:27:19 > 0:27:24When you did that sound effect there, that's the end of EastEnders.
0:27:24 > 0:27:30- In my head, every time I watch EastEnders and they go... - Horses are dying!
0:27:30 > 0:27:36You'll hear, "Doof doof..." and I'll imagine bleeding donkeys falling.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39It should have been terriers.
0:27:39 > 0:27:45- Oh...- "And now All Creatures Great And Small..." Doof, doof, doof!
0:27:45 > 0:27:51- That's how it starts! - Well, it will take at least nine years to train as a GP
0:27:51 > 0:27:56whereas vets can do it in five. Which brings us ambling idly towards the scores
0:27:56 > 0:28:00and what reading they make. In last place...
0:28:00 > 0:28:05with an impressive minus 15, Dara O Briain!
0:28:05 > 0:28:07APPLAUSE
0:28:07 > 0:28:11Lounging lazily behind him on plus 1, Jeremy Clarkson!
0:28:11 > 0:28:13APPLAUSE
0:28:14 > 0:28:18Er, a little bit ahead there, though, on plus 4 is Ross Noble!
0:28:18 > 0:28:21APPLAUSE
0:28:23 > 0:28:29And in an episode which is all about indolence, who would ever have thought that the day would come
0:28:29 > 0:28:33when I would say that our runaway winner with plus 12 is Alan Davies!
0:28:33 > 0:28:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:41 > 0:28:42Well...
0:28:42 > 0:28:48That's all from this indolent edition of QI, so it's good night
0:28:48 > 0:28:52and I leave our losers with these wise words from James Thurber.
0:28:52 > 0:28:58"It's better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all." Good night.
0:29:10 > 0:29:14Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2011
0:29:15 > 0:29:17Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk