0:00:31 > 0:00:34Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:34 > 0:00:39and welcome to QI, where tonight, once again, the "I"s have it.
0:00:39 > 0:00:46So, which international head of state snubbed Jesse Owens
0:00:46 > 0:00:48after his triumph at the 1936 Olympics?
0:00:48 > 0:00:50DING-DONG
0:00:50 > 0:00:52- Yes, Jack?- Hitler.- Ahhh!
0:00:52 > 0:00:53BUZZER HOOTS
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Oddly enough, it's not true.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59It's what the whole world thinks but it isn't true
0:00:59 > 0:01:03and we know this from no greater source than Jesse Owens himself.
0:01:03 > 0:01:08In fact, it's a really rather sad and a very typically, I'm afraid, unfortunate story.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12Jesse Owens, as you probably know, won four gold medals at the 1936 Berlin Olympics.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15The Olympics was staged-managed, of course, by Hitler.
0:01:15 > 0:01:20Now, on the first day, Hitler congratulated only German winners.
0:01:20 > 0:01:25And someone said to him that he should either congratulate all the winners or none of them.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29So he said, "Well, in that case, I won't congratulate any winners."
0:01:29 > 0:01:32So he didn't snub Jesse Owens at all.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34In fact, according to Jesse Owens, he said,
0:01:34 > 0:01:39"When I passed the Chancellor, he rose, waved his hand at me and I waved back at him."
0:01:39 > 0:01:41"Hitler didn't snub me. It was..."
0:01:41 > 0:01:43King of England.
0:01:43 > 0:01:44No. FDR.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- Oh, bastard! - The president of his own country.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50He didn't personally congratulate Jesse Owens.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52LAUGHTER
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Who are you looking at there?
0:01:54 > 0:01:57The bloke on the far right is just going like that...
0:01:57 > 0:01:59He is a bit.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02That bloke on the far right is called Hermann Goering.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08Surely they're all on the far right.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Ya-hey!
0:02:13 > 0:02:15B-r-r-rilliant!
0:02:19 > 0:02:25It's usual amongst George Formby fans, I believe, that they teach themselves the banjolele.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29And as you are one, we have a banjolele.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Can you delight us with some Formby?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- Am I on the spot?- I don't know if it's tuned or not but just do what you can.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- Oh, don't worry about that. - We'll be very happy.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40My dog has fleas, is what you need to remember. My dog has...
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Well, this one doesn't have fleas. He has distemper.
0:02:45 > 0:02:50When I'm Cleaning Windows has got another bit that goes,
0:02:50 > 0:02:54# Eight o'clock, a girl awakes At ten past eight, a bath she takes
0:02:54 > 0:02:59# At quarter past, my ladder breaks When I'm cleaning windows... #
0:02:59 > 0:03:03Heh-heh heh-heh hey! Wahey!
0:03:07 > 0:03:08There's a bit that goes
0:03:08 > 0:03:13# There's a famous movie queen She looks a beauty on the screen
0:03:13 > 0:03:17# She's more like 80 than 18 When I'm cleaning windows
0:03:17 > 0:03:21# She takes her hair down all behind Then takes down her never-mind
0:03:21 > 0:03:26# And finally takes down the blind When I'm cleaning windows. #
0:03:26 > 0:03:28Cheeky!
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Brilliant.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Now for something terribly important.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40Why did the MoD want the PM to join the AA?
0:03:40 > 0:03:44- This present, David Cameron, PM, or any?- No.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46The Prime Minister at the time was Harold Macmillan.
0:03:46 > 0:03:52Did the MoD want the country to become part of the temperance movement?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- Ha ha! No, it's not that AA. - The Automobile Association.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57The Automobile Association, exactly.
0:03:57 > 0:03:58- It's that AA.- Really?- Yes.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02So when Harold Macmillan was Prime Minister, what was going on in the world around that time?
0:04:02 > 0:04:06- The Cold War.- The Cold War was at its absolute height.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09And they knew that Kennedy had this system where, wherever he was,
0:04:09 > 0:04:12he could retaliate in case the Soviets sent missiles.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15And they thought, "Well, we better have a similar system."
0:04:15 > 0:04:17And they thought...
0:04:17 > 0:04:20There's Lord Mountbatten who was the chief of staff at the time.
0:04:20 > 0:04:21And they said, "Well, you know,
0:04:21 > 0:04:24"you better have men going round with the Prime Minister who
0:04:24 > 0:04:27"have got radios and things in case there's news of a Soviet attack."
0:04:27 > 0:04:29And he said, "Well, that's far too expensive."
0:04:29 > 0:04:30The Prime Minister said,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33"I don't want people following me around all the time."
0:04:33 > 0:04:37"I tell you what, we'll use the system the AA use." So, basically, the idea was
0:04:37 > 0:04:43that they would get a signal from the AA to the car if the Soviets had launched a strike.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46That would mean the Prime Minister could then stop off
0:04:46 > 0:04:50at the nearest telephone and issue the order for a counter-strike.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53And there were some very exciting memos.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56This is very British. You'll like this very much.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59Brian Saunders, private secretary to the Prime Minister, said,
0:04:59 > 0:05:03"It will presumably be necessary for someone to make a daily or weekly call to the AA control station
0:05:03 > 0:05:05"as a check that they are in working order.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07"And I understand that,
0:05:07 > 0:05:10"if an emergency arose while the Prime Minister was on the road,
0:05:10 > 0:05:13"the proposal is to use the radio to get him to a telephone.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17"Perhaps we should see that our drivers are provided with four pennies."
0:05:17 > 0:05:20They'd gone and thought it through.
0:05:20 > 0:05:24So imagine them stopping and going, "All right, we've got the signal.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26"There are bombs on the way from the Soviet Union."
0:05:26 > 0:05:29"Stop off at the nearest kiosk," and nobody's got any money.
0:05:29 > 0:05:34But they thought about that. Bligh, the Prime Minister's private principal secretary, replied,
0:05:34 > 0:05:38"Shortage of pennies should not present any difficulties, such as you envisage.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41"In such cases, it's a simple matter to have the cost
0:05:41 > 0:05:46"of any telephone call transferred by dialling 100 and requesting reversal of the charge."
0:05:49 > 0:05:50This is all true!
0:05:50 > 0:05:54"And this doesn't take any appreciable extra time.
0:05:54 > 0:05:59"The system works in both normal and STD telephone kiosks. And our drivers are well-aware of it."
0:05:59 > 0:06:01So we were safe all the time.
0:06:01 > 0:06:04The Prime Minister would have got a message and said,
0:06:04 > 0:06:06"Look, there's a red kiosk,"
0:06:06 > 0:06:09would have stopped, got in and called... called up the operator and said,
0:06:09 > 0:06:14"I want to call the Ministry of Defence armed bunker.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17"And could you reverse the charges?"
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- Scouting for Boys has got something on suicide?- It has.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26- It has an amazing entry on suicide. Maybe you'd like to hear it? - I would love to hear it.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29"When a man has gone so far as to attempt suicide..."
0:06:29 > 0:06:33They don't count women for some reason - "..a scout should know what to do with him.
0:06:33 > 0:06:37"In a case where the would-be suicide has taken poison, give milk and make him vomit,
0:06:37 > 0:06:41"which is done by tickling the inside of the throat with a finger or a feather.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43"In the case of hanging, cut down the body at once,
0:06:43 > 0:06:47"taking care to support him with one arm while cutting the cord.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49- "A tenderfoot, which is scouting for novice..."- That's not hard.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- To me, that sounds very simple. - It does, doesn't it?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53"A novice is sometimes inclined to be timid about
0:06:53 > 0:06:57"handling an insensible man or dead man, or even seeing blood.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00"Well, he won't be much use till he gets over such nonsense."
0:07:04 > 0:07:08Slaughtering cattle. Advice to young boys on how to slaughter cattle.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11"If you're a beginner in slaughtering with a knife,
0:07:11 > 0:07:14"it's sometimes useful to first drop the animal insensible
0:07:14 > 0:07:20"by a heavy blow with a big hammer or the back of a felling axe on top of the head."
0:07:20 > 0:07:22The kindest thing to do, really.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Stopping a runaway horse?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- He doesn't give advice on that, does he?- He does, yes.- Lie down.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- That would stop the horse? - Oh, no. They don't tread on you.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35What you don't do is stand in front of it waving your arms. That's the mistake to make.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39What you should do is go to the side and basically ease it towards the side of a wall or side of a house.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- What, when it's running?- Yeah.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45You ease a running horse to the side of a wall?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Don't worry, mate, I'll just ease this running horse to the side of the wall.
0:07:48 > 0:07:53It'll see you and will be pushed towards it. That will slow it down naturally according to Baden-Powell.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54"Give us a hand."
0:07:54 > 0:07:56"I can't. Uncle Pete's hung himself."
0:07:56 > 0:07:59What about saving someone who's fallen in front of a train?
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Oh, well, I know this. You ease the train up against the wall.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06"If the train is very close, lie flat between the rails.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09"Make the man do the same till the train passes over,
0:08:09 > 0:08:13"while everyone else will be running about, screaming and excited, and doing nothing."
0:08:13 > 0:08:16- You're supposed to jump on the track with him.- Yeah.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18- And push his head down?- Yeah. - Yeah, sure. I'm going to do that.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21Does that work, though? Is there such a big gap between the wheels?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23It does in movies but I wouldn't be the one to try it.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26It'd be great if you hung yourself and then a Scout cut you down
0:08:26 > 0:08:28and you went, "Oh, don't worry, I'll jump under a train."
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- And, again...- He's here again!
0:08:31 > 0:08:33All right, mate?
0:08:33 > 0:08:35I've just done voice for them.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37So if you have Tom-Tom or Garmin...
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Huh-huh! No!
0:08:39 > 0:08:43You'd drive along and it goes, "Now the interesting thing is..."
0:08:43 > 0:08:46LAUGHTER
0:08:46 > 0:08:49APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:08:51 > 0:08:54"The most daft thing. You would not believe it but..."
0:08:54 > 0:08:58Did you do it as if you were talking to me? That's the worry.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59"Left, you moron!"
0:08:59 > 0:09:02If you take a wrong turn instead of making a U-turn,
0:09:02 > 0:09:06does the hooter come on?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08I've put my voice on Katie's. When she drives, it's me.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Oh, that's nice, because you can put your own voice on, can't you?
0:09:11 > 0:09:15Yeah, you can record it. "Left, left, left! LEFT!"
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Which is funny the first couple of times.
0:09:19 > 0:09:20Yes, that's the problem.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25I had a sat-nav and the Nullarbor Plain in Australia, the big, long...
0:09:25 > 0:09:26Between Adelaide and Perth.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29Yeah, the longest straight road in the world.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33And I started my bike, turned it on and it said,
0:09:33 > 0:09:37"Drive forward for two days."
0:09:37 > 0:09:41But the best bit was, it went, "Then turn left."
0:09:48 > 0:09:51But the stupid thing was, it was such a long road,
0:09:51 > 0:09:52I missed the left-hand turn!
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Patrick Lichfield once told me a very good story.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01- Oh! Beautiful name-drop, if I may say so.- He was lovely. Did you know him?
0:10:01 > 0:10:06- I did.- Such a lovely man. He'd been asked to photograph a royal wedding at Hampton Court.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09The Queen told him it'd be the first time all the crowned heads of Europe
0:10:09 > 0:10:12were together, available for a photograph. He said,
0:10:12 > 0:10:16"Well, I know them all, ma'am. Everyone except Princess Catherine of Greece.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19"She's very elderly. She's in a wheelchair." She said, "Oh, right."
0:10:19 > 0:10:24"It's very difficult with all these heads, about 60 of them and everyone's ma'am," and so on.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27And he noticed in the corner an elderly lady in a wheelchair.
0:10:27 > 0:10:28He said, "Oh, marvellous!"
0:10:28 > 0:10:32He went over and pushed her into the photographs like this
0:10:32 > 0:10:33and he took the picture.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37And the Queen said, "Patrick, who's that woman?
0:10:37 > 0:10:41"Princess Catherine of Greece." She said, "No, it isn't."
0:10:41 > 0:10:46Anyway, apparently some bloke had been on a tour of the house with his mother...
0:10:46 > 0:10:51..and needed the lavatory. And he just opened the door and shoved his mother through,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53just to keep her quiet while he went to the lavatory.
0:10:53 > 0:10:58And Patrick gave her a Polaroid of this elderly woman with all the crown heads of Europe.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00That's fantastic!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Have a look at this glass tank behind me
0:11:04 > 0:11:08and tell me how many balls there are in there.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09One.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- Two, three.- Well done, Alan.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- Four.- So far, so good.- Yep. Five.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21The worst episode of the National Lottery, ever.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25- So how many are there in there, would you say?- Five.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27Five? Five. Well, it looked like five, didn't it?
0:11:27 > 0:11:29HOOTER BUZZES
0:11:29 > 0:11:35But you might be rather surprised to know that there are actually over a thousand.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39- A thousand.- And we can show you, perhaps, a better view of how many there are.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Watch that.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43They're all invisible and, in fact,
0:11:43 > 0:11:45we have an example of precisely these kinds of...
0:11:45 > 0:11:47There they are.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- Yeah, they're gooey. - They're really weird.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52- They're called hydrogel beads. - Are they edible?
0:11:52 > 0:11:58- I wouldn't want to take responsibility but I don't think they'll do you any harm.- Try one.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00What are they used for?
0:12:00 > 0:12:02Well, they have a commercial use, actually.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04- Oh, I broke it!- Oh, no! Has it burst?- Yeah, burst.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07No, it's sort of gone into pieces, actually.
0:12:07 > 0:12:11It's a rather strange material. Can you guess their commercial use?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- Packing things. - No, flower arranging is one.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Is it for packing goldfish, when you get them through your...
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Why aren't they making battleships out of it?
0:12:20 > 0:12:24- All kinds of new uses may be found. - Submarines. Make a submarine out of it.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27I have to say, this feels gorgeous.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31- JACK: It's quite good, isn't it?- It's actually quite addictive, isn't it?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- Something quite gorgeous about that.- Yeah.
0:12:33 > 0:12:37- JACK: Might have a play around with that later.- Yep, you might.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42Another use is the manufacture of...
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Behave!
0:12:44 > 0:12:45That's disgusting.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Another use...
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Jack's going to put his willy in it.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57- Oh, dear! - I've already put it in that one.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00It's weird because when he put it in, you couldn't see it.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Ohhh!
0:13:02 > 0:13:05- It's the refractive index. - I need time to think of a comeback!
0:13:08 > 0:13:12What variety of lettuce did they serve on board the Titanic?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Iceberg.
0:13:14 > 0:13:15GROANS
0:13:15 > 0:13:18BUZZER HOOTS
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- Well, bless you for... - I took one for the team, as it were.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26You did take one for the team.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29The iceberg lettuce had been developed in Pennsylvania
0:13:29 > 0:13:31but was not available in Europe until many years later.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Was it is rocket, lollo rosso?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- The answer is, we don't know.- Oh.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38We do know there were 700 heads of lettuce on board.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- You make them sound like heads of state.- I know!
0:13:41 > 0:13:44The most grand of all the lettuce, the head of lettuce.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47Why did they only have 700 lettuce - how many were on the Titanic?
0:13:47 > 0:13:53Either they'd already eaten that much and that's how much was saved, or they just didn't order that much.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56What, they saved the lettuce, but not the people?
0:13:56 > 0:13:581,500 people died and they're going,
0:13:58 > 0:14:00"Get the lettuce, for crying out loud!"
0:14:00 > 0:14:02I have a horrible feeling I misread my card.
0:14:02 > 0:14:07It was, "Hold the front page. 7,000 heads of lettuce."
0:14:07 > 0:14:11No wonder the bloody thing sank, then, if it was full of lettuce.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Lettuces float.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Well, why did it sink, then?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18What is wrong with these people?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23What about the durable Mike Malloy, have you heard of him?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26Now here's a man who really wouldn't die.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28This is a very extraordinary story.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30The durable Mike Malloy.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32We're in the age of Prohibition.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34And we're in New York City.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37And we've got a gang of criminals because, obviously,
0:14:37 > 0:14:41anyone who runs a speakeasy is a criminal by definition, during Prohibition.
0:14:41 > 0:14:42And they hit on a scam.
0:14:42 > 0:14:49They thought, "We'll get some drunks. We'll get them to sign life insurance forms to our benefit.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53"And then we'll just feed them so much alcohol that they'll die."
0:14:53 > 0:14:55"And we'll get all their money."
0:14:55 > 0:14:57What can go wrong?
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Had they never met Irish people before?
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- That's the problem. - They were bankrupt.
0:15:02 > 0:15:03They ran out of booze!
0:15:03 > 0:15:07- So owner Anthony Marino hatched this plan.- "We're going to need a bigger pub."
0:15:07 > 0:15:12He got this Irishman called Mike Malloy. They befriended him, they plied him with free drinks.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16And they got him to sign three different life insurance policies,
0:15:16 > 0:15:20amounting to nearly 2,000, which was a lot of money in those days.
0:15:20 > 0:15:24After several weeks of free booze, they started to get a bit impatient because, because he wasn't...
0:15:24 > 0:15:27- He kept singing the same songs! - So they started...
0:15:27 > 0:15:30"God, he's doing that one again"!
0:15:30 > 0:15:34# Oh, Danny boy The pipes, the pipes... #
0:15:34 > 0:15:38They started adding antifreeze.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41He collapsed a bit but he kept coming back for more drink.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44So they then gave him drinks that were filled with turpentine,
0:15:44 > 0:15:47horse liniment, rat poison, rotten oysters in wood alcohol
0:15:47 > 0:15:50and sardines mixed with carpet tacks.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54- Do we have any record of... "Oh, thanks very much."- None of this would have any effect.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- I suppose if it's on the house... - Yeah.
0:15:57 > 0:15:58He's downing that.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02So, next, they got him drunk, they stripped him naked - this is midwinter in New York - and
0:16:02 > 0:16:07they poured five gallons of cold water on him, before dumping him on a snow bank.
0:16:07 > 0:16:12- New York in midwinter is seriously cold, minus 20 degrees sometimes. - Why didn't they just shoot him?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15- A bullet hole might have been a... - ..a bit of a giveaway.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Oh, I don't know. I think naked on a mound of snow is quite a giveaway.
0:16:18 > 0:16:23- Well, he was very drunk.- So drunk he was having sex with a snowman?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26But the police found him and he turned up the next day saying,
0:16:26 > 0:16:29"You'll never guess what happened. They found me in Central Park, on the snow, naked.
0:16:29 > 0:16:33"Dunno how! They took me to a hostel and got me these nice new clothes."
0:16:33 > 0:16:36So he carried on drinking and they were really getting desperate.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39They paid a cab driver 150 bucks to knock him over.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42After two attempts, they left him sprawled in the road,
0:16:42 > 0:16:44awaiting news of his death.
0:16:44 > 0:16:49Several weeks later, he came fresh out of hospital and turned up, looking for a drink.
0:16:49 > 0:16:53So, finally, they challenged him to a rigged drinking contest.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55They got him really, really pissed
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- and then pushed a gas hose in his throat and gassed him to death.- Aw.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- So they cheated.- Yeah.
0:17:00 > 0:17:05But a few months later, don't worry, they started squabbling amongst themselves
0:17:05 > 0:17:10and all went down the river to Sing Sing and got fried in the electric chair, the whole gang of them.
0:17:10 > 0:17:16The thing I find interesting about that story is when you said they put a gas hose in his mouth and cheated,
0:17:16 > 0:17:20the audience went, "Aww." But, before that, when they were trying to kill the man,
0:17:20 > 0:17:23you were going, "Well, that just sounds like bloody good fun!"
0:17:23 > 0:17:27Then, the gas hose, you went, "Now that's not playing straight."
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Not cricket.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32It's an interesting morality you're working with there.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Take a good, hard look at yourselves.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39There it is. That's the story of durable Mike Malloy.
0:17:39 > 0:17:40A hero of his time.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44I've got a little task for you to do. A little Christmas party game.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47I've got these phonebooks here and they've been interleaved.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50That's all it is. There's no glue or anything.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53They've literally, like a pack of cards, one page inside another...
0:17:53 > 0:17:58- That must have taken ages. - It did. Our props people are very proud of their work. There you are.
0:17:58 > 0:18:03- We'll share.- All I want you to do - you've got ropes there - is just pull them apart.
0:18:03 > 0:18:08- So you can take one each. - Can't be done.- Go on, pull them apart.- It can't be done.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- Go on. Try. You can't, can you? - It can't be done.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11You literally can't.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13It's quite extraordinary.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- Strong as Brian is... - Go on, pull, Brian, pull!
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Sean's alive!
0:18:37 > 0:18:40How come your water wasn't spilt? That's magical.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Yes. Yes, it's an old trick.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45Me and Brian have been doing this trick for years.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48That is, I think, proof positive...
0:18:48 > 0:18:50I'm trying to sit on top of me tipped-up chair.
0:18:50 > 0:18:55A man as strong as Brian, he may pull Sean off his chair, but it can't be done.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58In fact, you need 8,000lbs of force in order to do it.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00- Really?- Why? - It really is quite bizarre.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- It's friction.- And it's just replicated each time by...
0:19:03 > 0:19:06If you loosen them...
0:19:06 > 0:19:08STEPHEN LAUGHS
0:19:08 > 0:19:11This time it's me. This time it's personal!
0:19:11 > 0:19:13He's having a tantrum.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24ROSS: You can't, can you?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28BRIAN: Still can't do it!
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Hooray!
0:19:42 > 0:19:46How can you tell which of these chicks is male and which is female?
0:19:46 > 0:19:50Oh this must be, this must be.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- Oh, I'm afraid not. - BUZZER HOOTS
0:19:53 > 0:19:58In the 1920s, the answer would have been "Nobody knows".
0:19:58 > 0:20:02- Oh, for crying out...- But in 1929, the Japanese astonished the world
0:20:02 > 0:20:05by revealing that they found a way to sex chicks.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08In other words, to determine their gender. It sounds...
0:20:10 > 0:20:13It sounds so wrong, doesn't it? I know how to sex a chick!
0:20:15 > 0:20:18It seems impossible to the naked eye to do it
0:20:18 > 0:20:21because you have to wait until they're six weeks old.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24In the egg-laying industry, that's a heck of a waste
0:20:24 > 0:20:28because male chicks are of no use whatsoever to the egg-laying industry.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29Gassed on the first day?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Enjoy your eggs!
0:20:31 > 0:20:33That's why... Ha! Quite.
0:20:33 > 0:20:35So how do you tell the sex, how do you sex a chicken?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Well, it's very complex. That's the point. It's highly...
0:20:38 > 0:20:41No, we do know. It's highly paid.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44And the discovery lowered the price of eggs worldwide overnight.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47That's how important it was.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50And the Zen Nippon Chick-sexing School was founded.
0:20:56 > 0:20:57That is true.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00You're looking at a graduate.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04And they taught their sexers in such a rigorous way that
0:21:04 > 0:21:08only 5 to 10 percent of applicants received accreditation.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10When you passed, you were paid huge sums of money.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14- COD-CHINESE ACCENT: You're a chick master.- Yeah, hundreds of dollars a day.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17- It was a really big business.- Boy. - It still is.- How do you know?
0:21:17 > 0:21:20I know.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- You don't know. - There was one handsome...
0:21:24 > 0:21:28The best in the business can sex around 1,200 chicks an hour and there
0:21:28 > 0:21:31are some incredibly talented ones who can have one in each hand...
0:21:31 > 0:21:35Boy. Girl. Boy. Boy. Girl. Girl. Girl. Girl. Boy. Girl. Girl. Girl.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Boy. Girl. Boy. Girl. Boy-y-y.
0:21:40 > 0:21:46The point is, the point is you pick them up and you just go like that and pop them in bins.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Girl bin, boy bin. Girl bin, boy bin.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50And you can do 1,200.
0:21:50 > 0:21:51So, something to do with the weight?
0:21:51 > 0:21:55- No, it's not. They look, they do a slight squeeze...- A girl.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57You won't like this, they do a slight squeeze.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Eek! And if they go, "Ow," they're a girl.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07- That's naughty.- If they go, "steady on, mate..."- ..it's a boy.
0:22:07 > 0:22:12They have a cloacal tract, which is their reproductive and their excretory tract,
0:22:12 > 0:22:16and there is a slight difference in the ridges and bumps - sort of innies and outies that they have.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18So you do a slight squeeze.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22If it's too big, you throttle them or the outie becomes an innie,
0:22:22 > 0:22:23so it's a real skill.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26This is something I vaguely knew about growing up in Norfolk.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Because, in Norfolk, there is a community of Vietnamese turkey-sexers who live...
0:22:32 > 0:22:34I know it sounds mad!
0:22:34 > 0:22:36I can never watch Platoon again!
0:22:36 > 0:22:39You've ruined Apocalypse Now for me.
0:22:39 > 0:22:40I'm sorry about that.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42What sexy chicken?
0:22:42 > 0:22:43You tell me now!
0:22:45 > 0:22:46This is this.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48I know it sounds bonkers.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52They live in tunnels under the Fens.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55This is not in the Fens, it's in Norfolk, he said, defensively.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58The Fens are in Cambridgeshire, I mean Huntingdonshire.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Tell me they work for Bernard, please.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Well, of course. Bernard Matthews is the largest employer for...
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Mr Matthew, this one beau-iful.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Imagine being conned by a pig salesman.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20It's called buying a pig in a poke.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22There is actually a phrase for it.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24- Pig salesmen used to be dishonest. - Really?- Yeah.
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Can I say that, Nina?
0:23:25 > 0:23:27- What, pig in a poke?- Can I say that?
0:23:27 > 0:23:29- Is that what that means? - Go on, say pig in a poke.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32That is a challenge to a ventriloquist. Come on.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36- No, if I said pig in a poke, it's fine.- You say it, Gran.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38- No.- Ohhh!
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Go on, Gran. Pig in a poke.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41Yay!
0:23:41 > 0:23:44That was impressive.
0:23:44 > 0:23:45Oh, indeed.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50How long do the best hugs last?
0:23:50 > 0:23:52- 20 seconds. - That's a very long hug.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56I would start getting embarrassed and restless if someone hugged me for 20 seconds.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Do you want to test that? Can we test that?
0:23:59 > 0:24:00Yeah, no, please.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Oh, hello. Here we go.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11That was lovely.
0:24:11 > 0:24:12I'm on the clock.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14I'm on the clock.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16Yep. That was... Oh, God, this is too long.
0:24:16 > 0:24:21- It is really bad. - This is too long.- This is really long.- Oh, I'm embarrassed now.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Dave, did you say, "I'm on the clock"?
0:24:23 > 0:24:27- On the clock, yeah. - And, lovely! Thank you.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31- That's got to be at least 20 seconds and that was embarrassing. - That was very uncomfortable.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33- See if you can beat it!- Oh, God!
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Oh that's lovely. Lovely.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Gather round. Come on.
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Group hug.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49Heavens above!
0:24:50 > 0:24:52I've been waiting years to do this.
0:24:52 > 0:24:57Well, if you lot are all hugging, I'm playing tiddlywinks so sod the lot of you!
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Right, that was love... That was unusual.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04- RONNI: Aw, that was lovely. - I wasn't expecting that response
0:25:04 > 0:25:09- but it was charming. You're both wearing very nice aftershave, by the way.- Want your watch back?
0:25:11 > 0:25:14Which well-known invention is
0:25:14 > 0:25:18"the wickedness which lurks in the belly and deserves to dwell in the cesspool"?
0:25:20 > 0:25:23"The wickedness which lurks in the belly..."
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- Nina's cooking?- Sunny Delight.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32- Oh, I know!- Yes, Gran? - We know cos this is...
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Er, yes, because, erm,
0:25:34 > 0:25:36I'm a belly-speaker.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38You are a belly-speaker. Ven-tril-o-quism.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40That's it. So you're a tummy-speaker.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43And it was considered to be possession by demons if someone
0:25:43 > 0:25:47could have this voice come from their tummy, that didn't seem to come out of the mouth,
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- or throw their voice, as you used to say.- Ah.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53And there was a Patriarch of Constantinople by the name of Photios
0:25:53 > 0:25:55who once ex-communicated the Pope.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56LAUGHTER
0:25:56 > 0:25:58And he was the one...
0:25:58 > 0:25:59There you are! Have a go. Have a go.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Oh, have we all got one of these?
0:26:01 > 0:26:04- Pig in a poke.- Yes.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07I'm very impressed.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11The weird thing is...
0:26:11 > 0:26:12ELECTRICAL BUZZ
0:26:12 > 0:26:17That puppet is a ventriloquist and its lips didn't move when you said that.
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Really?
0:26:18 > 0:26:22So it is operating you, which is fantastic.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23It really is a lot...
0:26:23 > 0:26:26It really is a lot harder than it looks.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Give me hope.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31- You've had a stroke, dear.- Hello.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37- It's like ET.- Hey!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39- Ohhh!- Hig in a hoke.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40No, don't, Gran.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Oh, no, let's not kiss.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45I am Bogdan. I like you very much.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47You are attractive lady.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50- You're too small for me, dear.- Oh.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53For certain, you'd never see the light of day again.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57Come with me. I have Oyster card.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Are you, are you moving your lips?
0:27:02 > 0:27:06How about that? Urgh-urr, der, er, der.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10You do look like you're in a state, you really do.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14Sean, let's see if you can do any better.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15SILENCE
0:27:15 > 0:27:17LAUGHTER
0:27:17 > 0:27:21- Are you hoping we're going to... - I'm not moving my lips. I'm just...
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Oh, sorry. It's a left-handed puppet, isn't it? Sorry.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27I'll speak.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Oooh.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31- It looks like he's... - Ooh.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34That's the only thing I tend to do, this "oooh".
0:27:38 > 0:27:42This is great. This is great!
0:27:42 > 0:27:45You don't actually have to stretch your mouth to do it.
0:27:45 > 0:27:49It's the only way I can do it. I can't do it any other way.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59BELL DINGS
0:27:59 > 0:28:00Wa-hey!
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Oh, no. Oh, I've broken it.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10Oh! Oh, Bill Bailey.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14What the hell's he doing?
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25What a wretched disappointment to us all, you are.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33I can't get the talking to... I can't get to talking to you.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Well, you're an idiot.
0:28:36 > 0:28:38It's very difficult.
0:28:38 > 0:28:43- You have to look like you're listening when you're talking. - You look at her when she's talking?
0:28:43 > 0:28:46You have to look like you're listening when you're talking.
0:28:46 > 0:28:50- It's quite difficult. - The first rule of showbusiness - make everything look easy.
0:28:50 > 0:28:53- Yes, that's true. - Like this half-wit over here.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55I'm milking it for all it's worth, dear.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01APPLAUSE
0:29:04 > 0:29:07Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:07 > 0:29:10E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk