0:00:26 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:32 > 0:00:35and welcome to QI.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Tonight, we're all going to be pretty infantile.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42Playing mummies and daddies tonight are Daddy Cool, Dave Gorman.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Yummy Mummy, Ronni Ancona.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Happy Pappy, Lee Mack.
0:00:55 > 0:00:59- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:00:59 > 0:01:03And the curse of the mummy's tomb, Alan Davies.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:07 > 0:01:11So, erm, why don't you give me a ring some time? Dave goes...
0:01:11 > 0:01:13PHONE RINGS
0:01:13 > 0:01:19- Ronni goes... - CONTINUOUS RING
0:01:19 > 0:01:23- Lee goes... - ENGAGED TONE
0:01:23 > 0:01:27- And Alan goes... - "For sales enquiries, press one.
0:01:27 > 0:01:28"For service, press two.
0:01:28 > 0:01:31"For two hours of irritating music, press three.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35"For more options, press four. For fewer options, press five.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37"Or to speak to one of our operatives, emigrate to Mumbai."
0:01:37 > 0:01:43- LAUGHTER - Thank you, Alan. And don't forget your Nobody Knows joker.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- FANFARE - 'Nobody knows!'
0:01:45 > 0:01:49Yes, there may be a question tonight to which the true answer is that nobody knows
0:01:49 > 0:01:54and if you play your Nobody Knows joker, you get extra points. Your ignorance might indeed be bliss.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57So here's an intimate question to start with.
0:01:57 > 0:02:02What did the Pope's father say to the baker's daughter?
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Who is the current Pope?
0:02:05 > 0:02:09- He's German, is he? - Ratzenberger.- Ratzinger.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13He was born in Germany, he's a German Pope.
0:02:13 > 0:02:19- There he is. That's him on the right with those killer eyes that he still has.- Some would say the far right.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- Yes! Some would! - LAUGHTER
0:02:22 > 0:02:25And his father, too, was called Joseph,
0:02:25 > 0:02:29so Joseph Ratzinger Senior married a baker's daughter.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33That's the mother in the middle. The question is, how did they meet?
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- On the interweb. - Yes. It was the equivalent...
0:02:36 > 0:02:41- Speed dating. They were speed dating.- Before the interweb and speed dating, there were...
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- Singles adverts.- Singles ads.
0:02:43 > 0:02:50- Would like to meet... Good sense of humour...- Absolutely! This is what the Pope's father, Joseph Ratzinger,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53who was a Bavarian policeman, wrote.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57"Middle-ranking civil servant. Single. Catholic." That's a relief.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00"43. Immaculate past.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04"From the country. Is looking for a good, Catholic, pure girl
0:03:04 > 0:03:06"who can cook well, tackle all household chores,
0:03:06 > 0:03:08"with a talent for sewing and homemaking
0:03:08 > 0:03:11"with a view to marriage as soon as possible."
0:03:11 > 0:03:15He added, "Fortune desirable but not a precondition."
0:03:15 > 0:03:17LAUGHTER
0:03:17 > 0:03:21He was 43, she was 36. She was called Maria Peintner.
0:03:21 > 0:03:25They met up at a coffee house and were married four months later.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- Life was simple then, wasn't it? - Life was simple then.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32- Not so much a singles ad, but more a job.- Yes!- Basically. LAUGHTER
0:03:32 > 0:03:37It would be great if the Pope actually had an entry himself in a lonely hearts column,
0:03:37 > 0:03:41because it would be something like, "Single guy, likes to wear a dress,
0:03:41 > 0:03:44- "drives a slow forklift truck." - LAUGHTER
0:03:44 > 0:03:47"Expects you to kiss his ring."
0:03:47 > 0:03:50LAUGHTER
0:03:50 > 0:03:54EYTKHR.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- That would be it, wouldn't it? - Because they've got abbreviations.
0:03:57 > 0:04:02- Haven't they got three-letter... - I have a list of abbreviations to test you on
0:04:02 > 0:04:06to see how much you use these singles and wanted ads
0:04:06 > 0:04:08and Craigslist and similar.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10So D/D, what would that be?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Divorced deviant?
0:04:13 > 0:04:17- LAUGHTER - Nice idea.- Divorced...
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- Does it stand for large breasts? - LAUGHTER
0:04:20 > 0:04:23That may be perhaps quite... Oh, I see, double D.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25- LAUGHTER - We haven't got all night, Stephen.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29- LAUGHTER - Not quite my area of expertise, but I do understand.
0:04:29 > 0:04:30LAUGHTER
0:04:30 > 0:04:34- Drunk and disorderly. - No, it actually means drug and disease free.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38- Does it? - Yes. In the code of these things.
0:04:38 > 0:04:44If you feel it necessary to put that, that's just going to raise suspicions.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46LAUGHTER
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- NK.- No knickers?- Massive knockers.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- LAUGHTER - Sorry, that's M.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56- Nassive knockers. - NK?- Yeah, it's no kids.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58WE?
0:04:58 > 0:05:02- Weekends. - That would be nice, but I'm afraid it's a little bit more physical.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- Well-endowed.- Yes! - LAUGHTER
0:05:05 > 0:05:09- Why would you write that? - APPLAUSE
0:05:09 > 0:05:13You'd just put that, wouldn't you? Just put "well-endowed" and the box number.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16LAUGHTER
0:05:16 > 0:05:21Possibly. ALAWP might be the thing to do with WE.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- A large and wavy penis. - All letters answered...
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- LAUGHTER - All letters answered! Sorry.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30ALAWP, all letters answered with...
0:05:30 > 0:05:34- A penis. - LAUGHTER
0:05:34 > 0:05:38- Photo!- Photo!- Oh, sorry, photo. - Dave is earning points.
0:05:38 > 0:05:42- You know an awful lot about lonely hearts columns!- IPT?
0:05:42 > 0:05:46So you might get, for instance, IPT BBW.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- Big breasted woman. - Oh, so you know BBW! Very good!
0:05:49 > 0:05:54- LAUGHTER - Very good! Is partial to.- Right.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- IPT BBW. Is partial to. - I don't know if this is going to help me or not,
0:05:57 > 0:06:02but some of these acronyms are shared by the world of pornography. LAUGHTER
0:06:02 > 0:06:06So take your pick as to how I know them. It's either from lonely hearts or porn.
0:06:06 > 0:06:11- That's right, yeah.- Which would you rather we assume...- I'm going to leave you guessing, Ronni.
0:06:11 > 0:06:18So what would be WE SHM WLTM BBW for NSA fun?
0:06:18 > 0:06:22- Does that stand...- No strings attached fun.- Very good, Dave.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25- NSA is...- A big breasted woman. - Yes. So WE...
0:06:25 > 0:06:31- Well-endowed.- SHM. H is an ethnic type in American in particular.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- Hispanic.- Brilliant. So well-endowed single Hispanic male...
0:06:35 > 0:06:38- WLTM.- Would like to meet.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42- BBW.- Big breasted woman. - Big blue whale.- For NSA fun.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44LAUGHTER For no-strings attached fun.
0:06:44 > 0:06:49- Exactly.- Which is when you're into puppetry, but of the glove-puppet variety, not...
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- LAUGHTER - Exactly! That's a sweet way of looking at it.- Absolutely.
0:06:52 > 0:06:56Presumably, you would charge by the letter in newspapers, so that's why...
0:06:56 > 0:07:00- To save money?- Yes. But you don't need that on the internet.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- You could say, "I have an enormous dong". - LAUGHTER
0:07:03 > 0:07:07- You don't have to go WE, do you? - But tiny testicles.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11LAUGHTER
0:07:11 > 0:07:17- BTT.- In fact, it's actually an average-size dong, but the testicles make it look enormous.
0:07:17 > 0:07:21LAUGHTER It's a trick of the light!
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- They're like ball bearings. - LAUGHTER
0:07:24 > 0:07:28- It's only the top of the show. - LAUGHTER
0:07:28 > 0:07:33Let's try to swim for the surface before we hit the depths. Yeah.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37- Man gasping for air seeks BBW. - LAUGHTER
0:07:37 > 0:07:40There used to be, in San Francisco in the late 70s,
0:07:40 > 0:07:44- there was a handkerchief code in the gay community. - I've heard about this.
0:07:44 > 0:07:50- Yeah. The yellow one? - It was also which back pocket it was in. If it was left, passive.
0:07:50 > 0:07:55- If it was right, it was active. - What did it mean if you tied four knots and put in on your head?
0:07:55 > 0:07:58That meant you were a homosexual from up north. LAUGHTER
0:07:58 > 0:08:01You're from Blackpool, from the Golden Mile.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04No, if you had yellow in your back left pocket,
0:08:04 > 0:08:09- you liked being peed on.- What does it mean if you wear a yellow thing round your neck hanging down?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12LAUGHTER
0:08:12 > 0:08:15APPLAUSE
0:08:17 > 0:08:20I like the idea of someone going to a club
0:08:20 > 0:08:24and he's got the yellow hankie, and everyone else thinks, "Urgh! Weirdo!"
0:08:24 > 0:08:29LAUGHTER I like the idea of a group of Morris dancers going to San Francisco.
0:08:29 > 0:08:34Sending off very mixed signals wherever they go. LAUGHTER
0:08:34 > 0:08:39Honestly, in the 70s, there used to be cards. You'd go in a shop in Castro in San Francisco
0:08:39 > 0:08:43and there'd be little laminated cards telling you the code so you didn't make a mistake.
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- They'd have to be laminated. - LAUGHTER
0:08:51 > 0:08:55All right, I don't know how this conversation's gone in this direction.
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Anyway, the Pope's parents met through a lonely hearts ad.
0:08:58 > 0:09:05What did the Viceroy of India's daughter like doing with flipperty flop and jumpkins?
0:09:05 > 0:09:10- Is this...- If they're not rabbits... LAUGHTER ..then something's amiss.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14Yes, they do sound like rabbits, don't they? Flipperty Flop and Jumpkins.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17- Are they body parts? - They're not body parts.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- Who are we talking about? - The daughter of one of the Viceroys of India.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25In the Days of the Raj, a man would be appointed viceroy, vice-king of India.
0:09:25 > 0:09:30The last one was Lord Mountbatten before the independence of India.
0:09:30 > 0:09:35This man was Lord Lytton and his daughter Emily was an extraordinary Victorian figure.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38And she eventually ended up marrying Lutyens, the architect.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43He designed most of New Delhi, the huge pink palaces of New Delhi were Lutyens.
0:09:43 > 0:09:48That's him there as an older man and that's Emily Lytton.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52He looks like she's just told him a really dirty joke. LAUGHTER
0:09:52 > 0:09:56This flipperty flop and jumpkins, she had an evening playing flipperty flop and jumpkins
0:09:56 > 0:10:02and I'm going to ask Ronni to read out how she describes the evening of flipperty flop and jumpkins.
0:10:02 > 0:10:07"I assure you no words can picture either the intense excitement or the noise.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- "I always scream in describing it." - SHE LAUGHS
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- LAUGHTER - She could be in the room. There you are.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16This was a description of when she was 17 years old.
0:10:16 > 0:10:21She played this game, alternately known as flipperty flop or jumpkins, and has a much better name.
0:10:21 > 0:10:25- BOTH: Tiddlywinks.- Yes!- That was weird.- You said it at the same time!
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Absolutely brilliant! And I will give you each a little cup.
0:10:29 > 0:10:32It was originally called tiddledy-winks.
0:10:32 > 0:10:37For some reason, the second D got dropped, so tiddlywinks. Try hitting it into the target.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39So we have to try and get it in the hole.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42You have the big one and the little one is called the wink.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46- Is this called the squidger? - I think I went too hard.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50- Surely if that's the wink, this must be the tiddly.- You'd think so.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54I do give a point to you for knowing it's called the squidger.
0:10:54 > 0:10:58- Off the lip!- It's meant to be yellow and green versus red and blue.
0:10:58 > 0:11:04- And they do have lots of different... There's a squop.- Yes.- And a boondock.
0:11:04 > 0:11:11And my favourite move, there is a move in the official language of tiddlywinks, the Good move.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15- Right.- And it's not called that because it's a good move, it's named after John Good.
0:11:15 > 0:11:20- Oh, how wonderful!- So it's named for him.- The squop is one of the most basic things. What is a squop?
0:11:20 > 0:11:25A squop is where you're trying to tiddle your wink so it lands on top of somebody else's.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- Exactly. And if your wink... - LAUGHTER
0:11:27 > 0:11:30I can see why you're using those lonely hearts columns now.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:35 > 0:11:40- How do you get the lift? - You get the lift, to be honest...
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- Oh!- Oh, God! - LAUGHTER
0:11:42 > 0:11:47- You have to play on felt and then it works beautifully. - Then you've got some purchase.
0:11:47 > 0:11:53- Yeah.- This is my ideal gig, where I come on QI but I don't have to talk, I just have to play tiddlywinks.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55- Oh!- This is bullshit! - LAUGHTER
0:11:55 > 0:12:00- You can't get the lift!- I had plenty of lift there. You've ruined it.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02The Good move is named after John Good.
0:12:02 > 0:12:07Do you know what a page ranking is? This is similar. You know, in Google terms, a page ranking.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- Absolutely, yes.- Do you know why it's called a page ranking?- Yes!
0:12:10 > 0:12:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:17 > 0:12:22- So...- I honestly thought you knew the answer to Dave's question.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Finally, I've got one! I know why!
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Are you telling me that a page ranking is not because it's a webpage?
0:12:29 > 0:12:32It's named after Larry Page, one of the founders of Google.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36I'm going to hand out some more toys so there's even more fun to be had.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40- Quoits.- I ought to tell you, the winner gets the teddy bear.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42- Well, fluffy toy. - You've got to be joking.
0:12:42 > 0:12:47- LAUGHTER - Wow, you've really raised the stakes!- You will get the fluffy toy.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- We'll start with Dave. - OK.- OK. Good luck.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54ALL: Ohh!
0:12:55 > 0:12:59- ALL: Ohh! - It's like being at the fairground. - Ronni, come on!
0:12:59 > 0:13:01I've just got a bit of dirt in my pocket.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03Let's have a read.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07LAUGHTER
0:13:11 > 0:13:13- LAUGHTER - Oh, the tension!
0:13:15 > 0:13:17- Ohh!- Did you see that?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- I saw it!- It nearly went over! Did you see that?
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- I saw it.- I was there! - LAUGHTER
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- He'll be unbearable.- It's all right, he's already unbearable.
0:13:26 > 0:13:31- LAUGHTER - I was only joking, I've got my own dirty mags in the dressing room.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- LAUGHTER - Don't let him get it! - Watch out for the bloke!
0:13:34 > 0:13:37LAUGHTER
0:13:37 > 0:13:40CHEERING
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- In the net! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:47 > 0:13:51- And you get the fluffy toy!- Oh, no!
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- And here it is. - Oh, it's like the fairground.- Yeah.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56- It's like the fairground. - I never said it'd be that one.
0:13:56 > 0:14:04- I never said... No, no.- Anything off the bottom, anything off the bottom. LAUGHTER
0:14:04 > 0:14:08- If Lee was a nice man, he'd give that to you, Ronni. - That's true, I would.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12- LAUGHTER - Congratulations, Lee. - Thank you very much.- A bullseye. 25.
0:14:12 > 0:14:17OK. See if you can explain the rules of milking cromock,
0:14:17 > 0:14:22hanikin can'st abide it or laugh and lie downe.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25Laugh and lie downe, that is a box full of rohypnol.
0:14:25 > 0:14:30- LAUGHTER - Er, no. No. That's...
0:14:30 > 0:14:32APPLAUSE
0:14:36 > 0:14:41- Well, milking cromock, I would've thought that was a card game. - We know that laugh and lie downe
0:14:41 > 0:14:43and hanikin can'st abide it are card games.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47- Oh. So I managed to get the only one that isn't a card game.- Yes.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50Possibly. Because the time has now passed. Oh, just in time!
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Nobody knows is the answer. Nobody knows.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- FANFARE - 'Nobody knows!' - Extra points for Dave.
0:14:57 > 0:15:02The fact is, we only know these games exist because they're on lists of games that have been banned.
0:15:02 > 0:15:07So there is statute that says it is illegal to play milking cromock,
0:15:07 > 0:15:10hanikin can'st abide it or laugh and lie downe
0:15:10 > 0:15:14and all you can do as a games historian is look at it and try and work out...
0:15:14 > 0:15:18- But there is some evidence that those were card games.- I love the idea of a barman just going,
0:15:18 > 0:15:21"Hey, are you playing milking cromock?" "No."
0:15:21 > 0:15:25- LAUGHTER - But there are some we do know...
0:15:25 > 0:15:27LAUGHTER
0:15:27 > 0:15:32- Two blokes running round and probably just one cow going, "Mooo". - LAUGHTER
0:15:32 > 0:15:37There are dice and card games and dominos, but also games called guile bones, noddy board,
0:15:37 > 0:15:42- penny prick, hide under hat.- Hide under hat, that'd be a great game. - LAUGHTER
0:15:42 > 0:15:44- I like it cos it's self-explanatory. - It is!
0:15:44 > 0:15:48- You need a massive hat or a small person. - LAUGHTER
0:15:48 > 0:15:54- Both, really.- Yeah. - In 1938, a priest wrote to the Times complaining that there was a pub
0:15:54 > 0:15:58where they had on the billiard tables tortoise races with little toy jockeys on top.
0:15:58 > 0:16:03- LAUGHTER It's the jockeys that makes it lovely, isn't it?- Yes, sweet.
0:16:03 > 0:16:08- They could've used giant tortoises and real jockeys.- If only they had. That was in Weymouth.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11- Competitive smoking was very popular.- Oh, come on!
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- LAUGHTER - Seemingly.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- And... There you are. - He's a bit smug.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20- Yeah.- He's the champion.- He blows smoke rings.- It still exists.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23You now have to do it in an outside place or a smoking shelter.
0:16:23 > 0:16:28- But who would win a smoking competition?- I guess the first person to finish the pipe.
0:16:28 > 0:16:33- No, the last person to finish the pipe. It's keeping the pipe alight for longest.- Oh.
0:16:33 > 0:16:39It's a real skill. It's how you pack the tobacco into the pipe and then how few puffs you take of it
0:16:39 > 0:16:43- so you don't burn it down. - You're telling me this didn't become a televised sport?
0:16:43 > 0:16:46I know, it's shocking, isn't it? Terribly exciting.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48But it still exists, competitive smoking.
0:16:48 > 0:16:50- Wow.- Anyway,
0:16:50 > 0:16:54the fact is, the rules of milking cromock are lost forever, but it doesn't matter
0:16:54 > 0:17:00because we're not allowed to play it anyway. The most popular entertainment venue in the world
0:17:00 > 0:17:05used to be the Coney Island Amusement Park in New York. What was its longest-running attraction?
0:17:05 > 0:17:09- Is it an elephant? - No.- The bearded woman?
0:17:09 > 0:17:13- No.- There are lots of that kind of thing.- Was it a bearded elephant?- No. - LAUGHTER
0:17:13 > 0:17:17There was one particular woman who came to see this every week
0:17:17 > 0:17:21- for all the 37 years it was on show. - Cliff Richard.- No. - LAUGHTER
0:17:21 > 0:17:24HE LAUGHS
0:17:24 > 0:17:28- It was not what you might call usual entertainment. It's very... - Ah. Cliff Richard.- No.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30LAUGHTER
0:17:30 > 0:17:34I'm trying for a way of framing this to which Cliff Richard isn't the answer.
0:17:34 > 0:17:39- LAUGHTER - It was a really peculiar, unlikely... No, that's not...
0:17:39 > 0:17:43- LAUGHTER - This is not what you'd associate with entertainment. No...
0:17:43 > 0:17:49- Barry Manilow.- What about, "It's something you go and see on your summer holiday"? No...- Ah!
0:17:49 > 0:17:53- LAUGHTER - I'm just going to have to tell you. It was children in incubators.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58The infant incubator with living infants. Premature children
0:17:58 > 0:18:01were put in incubators, there they are,
0:18:01 > 0:18:05and the public would come and see them, they'd pay a quarter, 25 cents.
0:18:05 > 0:18:09- Is there a grabbing hand? - LAUGHTER
0:18:09 > 0:18:13APPLAUSE
0:18:15 > 0:18:18You are an evil man.
0:18:18 > 0:18:23LAUGHTER It's an Angelina Jolie pick 'n' mix.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- LAUGHTER - It does seem really weird to us.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30But the fact is, it was a recent invention, it was invented in 1880,
0:18:30 > 0:18:34and no hospitals had them in America. It was a French invention.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38And the French inventor went round trying to persuade people they were a good idea
0:18:38 > 0:18:42and this park thought, Coney Island, "What a great thing to do.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45"We'll get all the premature babies that are born in New York,
0:18:45 > 0:18:49"we'll put them in incubators, people can come and look at them and watch them thrive."
0:18:49 > 0:18:54- And they did thrive. - It's literally just warm air.- Yeah, it's a ventilated, sealed-off area.
0:18:54 > 0:19:01It must have been laid open for abuse by pushy stage-school mothers
0:19:01 > 0:19:05who were desperate to get their kids in. "Get into the incubator, Lorelei!
0:19:05 > 0:19:10"Go on! Get into the incubator!" "But, Mom, I'm 11." "So squidge up a little!
0:19:10 > 0:19:15- "If someone comes to look at you, do your shuffle three-step." - LAUGHTER
0:19:15 > 0:19:18If someone was seven months and their waters broke,
0:19:18 > 0:19:21were they then driven to the funfair instead of the hospital?
0:19:21 > 0:19:25- Yes, because the hospital didn't have any incubators.- Yeah.
0:19:25 > 0:19:30It was only in 1940 when the New York City Hospital invested in incubators
0:19:30 > 0:19:35that they kind of went out of business as an attraction. It seems utterly weird to us
0:19:35 > 0:19:39but it was the longest-running attraction at Coney Island.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Anyway, staying with our infancy theme, here's a parenting poser.
0:19:42 > 0:19:47Eleanor Roosevelt considered herself a very modern mother. Where did she keep her baby?
0:19:47 > 0:19:51- In a drawer probably. - LAUGHTER - It's almost as weird.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54It was a fad in the 1930s.
0:19:54 > 0:19:59- Was it permanently attached to one of those things? What are they called? Papoose.- No, no.
0:19:59 > 0:20:04That'd be fairly normal. We'd consider this weird now. In New York, space is at a premium.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08There's a limited amount of space in Manhattan, hence the skyscrapers and so on.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12And where do you put your baby? Well, hang it out of the window in a cage.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15LAUGHTER
0:20:17 > 0:20:21The baby cage. It caught on for a while.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25- Was this the question that Michael Jackson was trying to answer? - LAUGHTER
0:20:25 > 0:20:30Probably. It is a bit disturbing. The baby cage. But there were 12 of them in Poplar in London.
0:20:30 > 0:20:34They died out during the Blitz because they were obviously not suitable.
0:20:34 > 0:20:40- LAUGHTER - Eleanor Roosevelt got severely criticised for it and got upset.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44She recalled, "It was rather a shock for I thought I was being a modern mother."
0:20:44 > 0:20:49You get extra points if you can tell me Eleanor Roosevelt's maiden name. Before she married FDR,
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- she was Eleanor what?- BOTH: Rigby LAUGHTER
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Both said at the same time. No, she wasn't.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- Roosevelt.- Yes! Well done!
0:20:58 > 0:21:03- Oh!- She was Eleanor Roosevelt. Very good. - APPLAUSE
0:21:05 > 0:21:11She was the niece of president Teddy Roosevelt, who was a fifth cousin of the man she married.
0:21:11 > 0:21:16- So did she...- There was no incest involved, fifth cousin is a long way away, but an amazing coincidence.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Do you think she actually changed her name?
0:21:19 > 0:21:23Seriously, do you think she said, "I'm officially changing my name"?
0:21:23 > 0:21:27Then you've not officially got the same name, you've got the same name,
0:21:27 > 0:21:32but it's not the same as registering it as a changed name. Do you know what I mean?
0:21:32 > 0:21:36- You should be a registrar. - I ask, "Do you know what I mean?" because I'm not sure I do.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- Do you see what I mean? - I sort of know what you mean.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41- She missed out... - LAUGHTER
0:21:41 > 0:21:46- She missed out on the excitement... - APPLAUSE
0:21:46 > 0:21:50Nobody knows what you mean. She missed out on saying, "I'm trying out my new name."
0:21:50 > 0:21:53She may have written her signature in a different way.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57Now, how long do the best hugs last?
0:21:57 > 0:22:04- 20 seconds.- That's a very long hug. I would get embarrassed and restless if someone hugged me for 20 seconds.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08- Do you want me to test that? Shall we test that?- No! Please.
0:22:08 > 0:22:12- Oh, hello. Here we go. Aww! - APPLAUSE
0:22:15 > 0:22:18That was lovely.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21I'm on the clock. I'm on the clock.
0:22:21 > 0:22:26- Yep.- I'm on the clock.- That was... Oh, God, this is too long. - LAUGHTER
0:22:26 > 0:22:32- This is too long. - Dave, did you turn on the clock? - LAUGHTER
0:22:32 > 0:22:38- Lovely. That's got to be at least 20 seconds, that was embarrassing. - That was very uncomfortable.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42- See if you can beat it!- Oh, God! - LAUGHTER
0:22:42 > 0:22:46APPLAUSE
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Come on, Alan, come on.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56- APPLAUSE - Heavens above!
0:22:58 > 0:23:04- I've been waiting years to do this. - If you're all hugging, I'm playing tiddlywinks. Sod the lot of you!
0:23:04 > 0:23:11Right. That was lovely. That was unusual. I wasn't expecting that response but it was charming.
0:23:11 > 0:23:16- You're both wearing nice aftershave. - Do you want your watch back? - LAUGHTER
0:23:16 > 0:23:19- Did you like my aftershave? - I certainly did.
0:23:19 > 0:23:25- Now, there have been tests, it seems weird...- Four or five seconds.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29- Well, three seems to be the answer. - Three is the perfect time, you mean?
0:23:29 > 0:23:35It seems to be that there is a kind of inbuilt human moment which is three seconds.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40If it's less than three seconds, it really is a bit like, that wasn't really a proper hug.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44If it's one, two, three. That's nice.
0:23:44 > 0:23:49It's just a rhythm that seems to be built into the human race.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53This three second period is known as a moment. And it happens in a lot of what we do.
0:23:53 > 0:23:59- Don't say it! - I just can't wait for my great aunt to come round and give me a hug.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03- It's all very nice and I'll go, "That was four seconds, you bitch! - LAUGHTER
0:24:03 > 0:24:07"Next time you'll keep it tight or you don't come in."
0:24:07 > 0:24:10What spoils a hug is when the other person goes, "..and break."
0:24:10 > 0:24:12LAUGHTER
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Now, it's time for General Ignorance. Fingers on buzzers.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19Where was Louise Brown conceived?
0:24:19 > 0:24:23- BUZZER - Yes.- In a test tube.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26ALARM BLARES
0:24:26 > 0:24:30As soon as it was coming out of my mouth, I thought, "You fool!"
0:24:30 > 0:24:36Louise Brown was indeed the world's first in vitro fertilised baby.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39But it wasn't a test tube. It was a petri dish.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42She's a fraud! She's told everyone she's the first test tube baby!
0:24:42 > 0:24:47- She was the first petri dish baby. - The news claimed that she was the first test tube baby.
0:24:47 > 0:24:53There's another Louise Brown, who's 91 years old, and lives in the Stewartry of Dumfries and Galloway,
0:24:53 > 0:24:58who has a record, we think, in the United Kingdom, which is rather extraordinary.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- There's no way you could guess it. - It must be the oldest something.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05- Well, she...- Oh, is it too late for this?- No, we definitely know.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08LAUGHTER We could ask her.
0:25:08 > 0:25:12- We could ask her if she's still alive. - LAUGHTER
0:25:12 > 0:25:18We think she is the most prolific library book borrower in the country.
0:25:18 > 0:25:23- LAUGHTER - She has read...- That's too much of a leap from in vitro fertilisation.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27Just happens to be the same name. She has read just under 25,000 books.
0:25:27 > 0:25:31- Well, she says that. She's borrowed them.- No, no... - LAUGHTER
0:25:31 > 0:25:37- Yeah.- 12 a week. 12 a week and she's never once had a late fine.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41That proves she doesn't read them. The fact that she gets them back on time.
0:25:41 > 0:25:46It's charming. They're mostly Mills and Boon romances, war stories and historical dramas.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Barbara Cartland was writing that many.
0:25:48 > 0:25:52- Yes, exactly, just..- Just for Louise to keep reading.- Yeah.
0:25:52 > 0:25:57I was going to say, if Louise is watching, but she isn't, she's reading a book.
0:25:57 > 0:26:00We salute her in the world of dying libraries.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Where did marsupials come from?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05- BUZZER - Yes.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08- Marsupia. - LAUGHTER
0:26:08 > 0:26:13- It could easily have been the right answer.- They only live in Australia.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- ALARM BLARES - Not true.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18I knew that.
0:26:18 > 0:26:23We'll let you off. They don't only live in Australia, there are marsupials in the Americas.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27- Are there?- Yeah.- Yes.- What are they called?- Oh...- They're cute.
0:26:27 > 0:26:32- We'll show you a photograph. They're the mammals with the tiniest babies. - The echidna?
0:26:32 > 0:26:34- Not the echidna, no. - Are they Fingerbobs?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36LAUGHTER
0:26:36 > 0:26:42- They look like the Clangers! - They really, really do look like Fingerbobs.- They are opossums.
0:26:42 > 0:26:47I didn't know, I thought that they were born in the pouch.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51I didn't realise they're born and have to crawl up and get in the pouch.
0:26:51 > 0:26:55And in the case of the opossum, you could get 20 baby opossums on a teaspoon.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- They are absolutely miniscule.- Wow.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02And the mummy licks her fur to make a line,
0:27:02 > 0:27:06from where they're born and they crawl up into the pouch.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Cos the babies then develop further in the pouch.
0:27:09 > 0:27:14- But they first began... - That's bizarre because I was under the impression, wrong as ever,
0:27:14 > 0:27:20marsupials evolved separately on Australia because Australia was like Madagascar, separate from evolution.
0:27:20 > 0:27:25No, but like Madagascar and New Zealand, they all originally belonged to a super-continent,
0:27:25 > 0:27:31- which was known as?- Australasia? - No. It was known as...- Essex. - Someone from the audience will know.
0:27:31 > 0:27:35- AUDIENCE SHOUT - Gondwanaland! It was a super-continent that broke off
0:27:35 > 0:27:38and is now South America, Africa and Australasia.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42- Or so the scientists say! - So they say.
0:27:42 > 0:27:47But the first marsupials came from the part that is now South America, that had been Gondwanaland.
0:27:47 > 0:27:53But they crossed through Antarctica while it was still one continent and into Australia.
0:27:53 > 0:27:58So there you are, that's your marsupials, actually originated in what is now part of South America.
0:27:58 > 0:28:04- Which brings me to the matter of the scores, and they make fascinating reading.- Oh!
0:28:04 > 0:28:10In first place by quite a long way with plus ten points, it's Dave Gorman!
0:28:10 > 0:28:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you very much.
0:28:14 > 0:28:17I'm speaking almost now like a proud father,
0:28:17 > 0:28:22- with a magnificent six points, in second place, Alan Davies. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:26 > 0:28:32- And only just behind with plus five, Lee Mack! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:33 > 0:28:37But with a very creditable minus seven,
0:28:37 > 0:28:41- Ronni Ancona! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:46 > 0:28:50So, all that's left is for me to thank Ronni, Lee, Dave and, of course, Alan.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52I leave you with this thought from Leo Burke,
0:28:52 > 0:28:57"People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one." Good night.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00APPLAUSE
0:29:02 > 0:29:06Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:06 > 0:29:10E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:29:10 > 0:29:10.