0:00:26 > 0:00:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:35Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.
0:00:35 > 0:00:40Good even and welcome to a special Shakespearean edition of QI,
0:00:40 > 0:00:44dedicated to and entitled The Immortal Bard.
0:00:44 > 0:00:50Strutting and fretting their hour upon the stage tonight are The Two Gentlemen of Verona -
0:00:50 > 0:00:52David Mitchell and Bill Bailey!
0:00:52 > 0:00:54APPLAUSE
0:00:59 > 0:01:02The Merry Wife of Windsor, Sue Perkins.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04APPLAUSE
0:01:07 > 0:01:10And Much Ado About Nothing, Alan Davies.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12APPLAUSE
0:01:17 > 0:01:19So let the trumpets sound. David goes...
0:01:19 > 0:01:22TRUMPET FANFARE
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Nice. Sue goes...
0:01:25 > 0:01:28TRUMPET FANFARE
0:01:28 > 0:01:30Bill goes...
0:01:30 > 0:01:33TRUMPET FANFARE
0:01:34 > 0:01:36And Alan goes...
0:01:37 > 0:01:39CHEESY TRUMPET MUSIC
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Of course he does.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47So let's take to the stage, good gentles all.
0:01:47 > 0:01:52When David Tennant played Hamlet at the RSC, what did Tchaikowsky play?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55- What?- Tchaikovsky? - LAUGHTER
0:01:55 > 0:02:00- Tchaikovsky being the composer Tchaikovsky? - Was he in the cast, Tchaikovsky?
0:02:00 > 0:02:04- He was.- Was he?- Pyotr Ilyich?
0:02:04 > 0:02:10Not Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky, the Russian composer. Another musician called Tchaikowsky.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14He was also a pianist, a startling, amazing pianist, most eccentric.
0:02:14 > 0:02:20- Richard Stilgoe? - No, I've already told you his name. It was Tchaikowsky.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23Are you saying he played Richard Stilgoe?
0:02:23 > 0:02:28He blew into Richard Stilgoe and a noise came out the other end?
0:02:28 > 0:02:33You're putting him in the past tense, so I'm assuming he shuffled off his mortal coil?
0:02:33 > 0:02:38- To quote Hamlet. - That will be the only quote. That's it. I've blown all my quotes.
0:02:38 > 0:02:43- You've done damn well. Good start. - So if he's dead...- He was dead.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- He's not alive?- The skull? - Yes, he played the skull.
0:02:46 > 0:02:52- APPLAUSE - We don't have the real skull there, but that's what a skull looks like.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56He was a very passionate Shakespearean.
0:02:56 > 0:03:01That is the real thing. Tchaikowsky bequeathed it to the Royal Shakespeare Company,
0:03:01 > 0:03:06asking that it be used in productions of Hamlet for the part of... Do you remember the character?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09- Is it Yorick?- Yorick, yes.
0:03:09 > 0:03:15"Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio, a fellow of infinite jest..."
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- "Wait a minute, this is Tchaikowsky! - It's not Yorick.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21"I'll play a tune on his teeth."
0:03:22 > 0:03:25There was a bit of trouble, health and safety issues.
0:03:25 > 0:03:30A human tissue licence had to be ordered for him to appear on stage.
0:03:30 > 0:03:35Did they cut his head off? He's gone, "When I die, I'd like my skull to be used by the RSC."
0:03:35 > 0:03:38Someone's got to saw it off and rot it down.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43The funeral directors thought it might be illegal. They had to get clearance.
0:03:43 > 0:03:48David Tennant every day held it in his hand. Tchaikowsky would have been very pleased.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- There he is. - Look at that - a tramp yesterday!
0:03:52 > 0:03:55You hope they've had to dirty it up again.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- Very much.- That's not just a bit of the guy still clinging...
0:03:59 > 0:04:03There's a little face still on there he's got to wash off!
0:04:03 > 0:04:06It's a long time since I've seen Hamlet.
0:04:06 > 0:04:11Because it's such a well-known bit, you don't really question what happens in it.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15It's an odd thing to do, to pick up a bloke's skull from a graveyard.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- It's someone he knew... - Then to go, "Alas, I knew him,"
0:04:19 > 0:04:23rather than going, "I feel a bit weird, having picked up his skull."
0:04:23 > 0:04:28He's sort of saying, "It's ridiculous, I knew this man. I sat on his lap when I was a boy."
0:04:28 > 0:04:34His jests "were wont to set the table on a roar". He says, "Where are your jokes now?"
0:04:34 > 0:04:40- Not so funny now!- It is one of the great contemplations of death and mortality and it must be weirder
0:04:40 > 0:04:43when you're doing it to a real person.
0:04:43 > 0:04:48I presume David Tennant knew he was doing it to a chap who wanted it to be a symbol of death.
0:04:48 > 0:04:54It'll be like I'm A Celebrity. Agents are going to put their acts down to have their skulls used...
0:04:54 > 0:04:58"I'll get you your skull. You'll be in Shakespeare...one day!"
0:04:58 > 0:05:04It would be awful if for your whole life you'd wanted to be an actor and it hadn't really worked out,
0:05:04 > 0:05:09so you bequeathed your skull and it was used in a production of Hamlet,
0:05:09 > 0:05:15then all the reviewers said, "I don't know, Yorick, it felt a bit stilted. It ruined that scene."
0:05:15 > 0:05:18LAUGHTER
0:05:18 > 0:05:25Leonard Bernstein's musical based on Romeo And Juliet was set in New York. What was it originally called?
0:05:26 > 0:05:28TRUMPET FANFARE
0:05:29 > 0:05:31Was it West Side Story?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33KLAXON SOUNDS
0:05:33 > 0:05:37It became West Side Story, but it was originally called...?
0:05:37 > 0:05:41- East Side Story.- Yes! - APPLAUSE
0:05:41 > 0:05:43BILL: I was so close!
0:05:46 > 0:05:50Originally, when they were working on it in the late '40s,
0:05:50 > 0:05:56it was gangs of Catholics versus gangs of Jews in the Lower East Side, then five years later,
0:05:56 > 0:05:59they decided they wanted Puerto Ricans against white gangs.
0:05:59 > 0:06:05Catholics would just have to tap someone and they'd go, "I wish I hadn't done that. I feel awful now."
0:06:05 > 0:06:10- It's just ten years of terrible guilt. Puerto Ricans are a bit more feisty.- They are.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14- Let's admit that it worked. - Gay and feisty, by the look of them.
0:06:14 > 0:06:18- The world of the musical.- Yeah. - Showgirls all!
0:06:18 > 0:06:22And all their pipes have been airbrushed out of this photograph.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24LAUGHTER
0:06:28 > 0:06:30APPLAUSE
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Oh, heavens above!
0:06:37 > 0:06:43West Side Story may be the best and certainly the best-known musical based on a Shakespearean fable.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46But do you know of any others?
0:06:46 > 0:06:48- Points going...- Kiss Me, Kate.
0:06:48 > 0:06:54- Kiss Me, Kate, yes, by Cole Porter, was based on... - The Taming Of The Shrew.- Exactly.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- Is Cats based on Hamlet?- No.
0:06:57 > 0:07:04But, odd as that sounds, there is a stage musical playing in London at the moment based on Hamlet.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08- Is it "Hamlet! The Musical"?- No.
0:07:08 > 0:07:14There is "Hamlet! The Musical", but this is a big West End musical based on a big movie
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- that is the story of Hamlet. - Not Spamalot?- No.
0:07:17 > 0:07:22- It's a young prince.- Oh!- Born... - Yes.- He's not a human.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24He's not a human? Is it ET?
0:07:24 > 0:07:28Thank you, audience. The Lion King is based on Hamlet.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Did you not know?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33At what point does Hamlet say, "Hakuna matata"?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:36 > 0:07:40- What about The Tempest? What would they have made of that?- Wicked.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- The Perfect Storm. - LAUGHTER
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- Speed. Speed 2. - Twister.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52LAUGHTER Harold And Kumar Get The Munchies.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58Prospero's Books is one, but there's a '50s classic sci-fi movie.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02- SHOUT FROM AUDIENCE - The audience are really joining in.- Rip One Out?
0:08:02 > 0:08:08- Forbidden Planet. - Yes, with monsters... - Or its working title, Rip One Out!
0:08:08 > 0:08:11There was one based on The Comedy Of Errors, a musical.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15- What happens in The Comedy Of Errors? - It has two sets of identical twins.
0:08:15 > 0:08:21One of them's shipwrecked, who's a girl, who's a boy? I'm married. Everyone's dead!
0:08:21 > 0:08:27- The Boys From Syracuse is the name of the musical.- Terminator...2.- No!
0:08:27 > 0:08:30Shylock is sent back from the future to...
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Oh, I've got my chain stuck in my ruff!
0:08:34 > 0:08:36LAUGHTER
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Oh, that was embarrassing.
0:08:42 > 0:08:47- Yeah. Hmm...- It sounded like it should sound rude.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Then you think about it...
0:08:50 > 0:08:52No, not really.
0:08:52 > 0:08:57So, there we are. What do Sigmund Freud, Mark Twain, Henry James,
0:08:57 > 0:09:02a Looney from Newcastle and the Holy Ghost have in common?
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Mark Twain had a link, but I don't know about the others.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10He was sceptical about Shakespeare because he thought a toff wrote it.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14He didn't believe that a normal boy from Stratford could write properly.
0:09:14 > 0:09:19He was a Shakespearean sceptic, as were the others.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Sigmund Freud also believed that and Henry James
0:09:22 > 0:09:27and Professor Looney, that was unfortunately his name, from Newcastle
0:09:27 > 0:09:31who wrote a book in 1920 called Shakespeare Identified.
0:09:31 > 0:09:37This movement in the 19th century had the idea that Francis Bacon may have written Shakespeare's works,
0:09:37 > 0:09:41particularly a woman, Delia Bacon, an American, completely insane.
0:09:41 > 0:09:47She came over to England and wrote a 625-page book in which she didn't even mention the name Bacon,
0:09:47 > 0:09:51then when she died, she claimed she was the Holy Spirit.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- SHE claimed SHE was the Holy Spirit? - Yes.
0:09:54 > 0:09:59The Holy Spirit, if she was right, also doesn't believe Shakespeare wrote Shakespeare.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02There were two other main candidates.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Hang on. TRUMPET FANFARE
0:10:05 > 0:10:08What was it? LAUGHTER
0:10:08 > 0:10:12- Marlowe.- Christopher Marlowe. - Christopher Marlowe is one.
0:10:12 > 0:10:17- But the most popular one... - Earl of Oxford? - The Earl of Oxford, Edward de Vere.
0:10:17 > 0:10:23- Is that Edward de Vere? - That's Edward de Vere.- Wow, there's a lot going on there!- There is.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26How did he keep that hat on?
0:10:27 > 0:10:30It's sort of Cate Blanchett with a moustache.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- LAUGHTER - But there are serious people.
0:10:33 > 0:10:39Freud liked the fact that he lost his father early on like Hamlet.
0:10:39 > 0:10:44Of course, Freud had an Oedipus Complex theory about Hamlet, so he liked that idea.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49Looney invented a fanciful scenario because the Earl of Oxford died in 1604
0:10:49 > 0:10:54and Shakespeare carried on writing plays many years after that.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57That might be the point at which to abandon the theory.
0:10:57 > 0:11:04You'd think. Instead of which, he claimed that before dying, he'd left a whole sheaf of plays
0:11:04 > 0:11:08and that his servant Shakespeare produced them one after the other.
0:11:08 > 0:11:13Isn't The Tempest written four or five years after he died, six years maybe,
0:11:13 > 0:11:17referencing stuff of the time, so after de Vere's dead?
0:11:17 > 0:11:23- Yes, quite.- He probably just left, "Insert topical gag here." - That's right.
0:11:23 > 0:11:28There are... Mark Rylance and Derek Jacobi, both supreme actors,
0:11:28 > 0:11:30they believe it was the Earl of Oxford.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33There isn't a shred of evidence.
0:11:33 > 0:11:39It doesn't matter. On the basis that what Shakespeare means to people is "the guy that wrote those plays",
0:11:39 > 0:11:44so if the guy that wrote those plays is a different guy, that's still, "What a great guy!"
0:11:44 > 0:11:51- Yes.- It's not an earth-shattering conspiracy, really, is it, that perhaps it isn't him?- No.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55Over 5,000 books on the subject, incredibly.
0:11:55 > 0:12:00- It's extraordinary. - Yet no scrap of evidence? - Not real evidence, just speculation.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03They say, "We know so little about Shakespeare."
0:12:03 > 0:12:08There are very few people of the Elizabethan era about whom we know more.
0:12:08 > 0:12:14Ben Jonson, a famous playwright, we don't know where he was born or how many children he had.
0:12:14 > 0:12:18If other people were writing the plays, why didn't they say so at the time?
0:12:18 > 0:12:24- Quite.- They always say, "He didn't write all that." Wouldn't it have come out?
0:12:24 > 0:12:30If it was Ben Jonson or any of those others, jolly good luck to them, I say.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Was it just because he wasn't posh?
0:12:33 > 0:12:37It's snobbery. They think he was just this kid from Warwickshire,
0:12:37 > 0:12:43but his father was a glover which was a decent trade and he went to the grammar school almost certainly.
0:12:43 > 0:12:50He's sort of, you'd think, exactly as far up the society as you'd expect a major writer to be.
0:12:50 > 0:12:55- Yes.- It's not like now the best novels are written by the Duke of Westminster.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56LAUGHTER
0:12:56 > 0:13:03His vocabulary - how many words do you think he used? I'm not counting repeats. "The" he used a lot.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07- Dagger, murder, wife. - This could take us a long time.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10- We've got to start somewhere. - You're right.
0:13:10 > 0:13:14- 5,000.- There are 20,000 words. 20,000 words.
0:13:14 > 0:13:20How does that compare to the average vocabulary of a Briton, would we say, roughly?
0:13:20 > 0:13:24- Four times as much. - No, half as much.- Less.
0:13:24 > 0:13:28We're not saying Shakespeare used every word he knew in his books.
0:13:28 > 0:13:34- He left lots out. I don't remember the word "clitoris" in any of them. - I think it's in the Second Folio.
0:13:34 > 0:13:39It might be. It's about half out of the modern English person's vocabulary.
0:13:39 > 0:13:44He didn't have certain words to call on like "texting" or "vajazzle".
0:13:44 > 0:13:50On the other hand, he did have "guerdon" and "bodkin" and "fardel", which we don't use so much.
0:13:50 > 0:13:55- Yogurt.- I don't suppose Shakespeare knew what yogurt was.- Broadband.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58Broadband. There are a lot of words.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01In The Sun, David Crystal, a well-known linguistic fellow,
0:14:01 > 0:14:06estimated there would be about 6,000 words in any complete history of The Sun,
0:14:06 > 0:14:09whereas the King James Bible has just 8,000.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13The idea that we're dumbed down to a lower vocabulary may not be true.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18Shakespeare coined over 1,000 new words, but not all caught on.
0:14:18 > 0:14:23Here are some that didn't. See if you can put them into a sentence.
0:14:23 > 0:14:28- Swoltery. Quatch.- I've got a swoltery quatch at the moment.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32Already we're there, aren't we?
0:14:37 > 0:14:41It happened when I put my kickie-wickies on.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43I've always been near-legged.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46You're a boggler in those.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50Your Foxship, what happened to cockled boggler?
0:14:50 > 0:14:55- Carlot - that's a thing. - A sexy garage.- It's true, actually.
0:14:55 > 0:15:00- Ahead of its time.- Way ahead. - A boggler is a very clumsy burglar.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07A burglar that can't believe the stuff he's getting his hands on!
0:15:07 > 0:15:10"Look at this DVD player!"
0:15:10 > 0:15:13He used it to mean a hesitator. One who boggles.
0:15:13 > 0:15:20- I don't know if it's as in boggling the mind.- What is a kickie-wickie? Is it Russell Brand's football?
0:15:20 > 0:15:25It's an affectionate term for a wife. "Ah, my dear kickie-wickie."
0:15:25 > 0:15:32- That's not an affectionate term! - Domestic violence was more acceptable...
0:15:32 > 0:15:36Ah, the old smashie-washie. Battery-wattery.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Punchy-wunchy.
0:15:38 > 0:15:45And the quatch? Or is it a quatch? It's actually an adjective. It means to be a bit podgy.
0:15:45 > 0:15:50- A bit quatchy?- Yeah.- Luckily, I'm wearing a surgical truss.
0:15:50 > 0:15:55- Plump, shall we say? Wappend is corrupt.- Wappend.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59That's never really caught on, but look at the ones that did.
0:15:59 > 0:16:05Here's just a small example of words first used in Shakespeare. Accessible, acutely, assembled...
0:16:05 > 0:16:10even-handed, eyeball, Frenchwoman, hunchbacked, neglected, overpower,
0:16:10 > 0:16:16- radiant, revealing, rose-cheeked, schooldays....- Frenchwoman? That's a bit of a stretch.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18LAUGHTER
0:16:18 > 0:16:20He invented it.
0:16:20 > 0:16:26- He invented it by taking the space out. - Yes, well done.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- Even-handed. - "Zis is my wife. She's a...
0:16:30 > 0:16:35"A thingummyjig. I don't know. What can I call her?
0:16:35 > 0:16:40- "Oh, Frenchwoman!"- "I think you'll find she's a Frenchwoman."
0:16:40 > 0:16:44You can't be absolutely certain. They may have been in use before,
0:16:44 > 0:16:50- but he is often the first printed source we have. - He'd have to have a pretty good idea
0:16:50 > 0:16:54- that people would understand him. - Yes, exactly.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58- Oh, I've done it again.- Oh, no. LAUGHTER
0:16:58 > 0:16:59No...
0:17:00 > 0:17:04This bit of ruff is not behaving. I've said that before.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08- LAUGHTER - Oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12So there we are. Call me a swoltery boggler if you like,
0:17:12 > 0:17:17but answer me this. How did Shakespeare's Bottom get to Norwich?
0:17:19 > 0:17:25- Are there relics? Bits of him? - He had a famous comedian who played Bottom and Falstaff.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30- Who did?- Shakespeare. And he created him for him. He was the funniest man in England.
0:17:30 > 0:17:36And his name is sometimes put. It says Kemp instead of Bottom on the original play script
0:17:36 > 0:17:40because it was so obviously Kemp who would play him. Will Kemp.
0:17:40 > 0:17:46But he had a dreadful falling out with Shakespeare or whoever ran the company
0:17:46 > 0:17:51and he went off in a right huff. But he decided as a publicity stunt to Morris dance
0:17:51 > 0:17:55- all the way to Norwich from London. - That's unnecessary.
0:17:55 > 0:18:01- LAUGHTER - It took him about three weeks, but he did it over nine days
0:18:01 > 0:18:05- and a famous phrase comes from this. - Cocking about?
0:18:05 > 0:18:09- Er, no. - Making a right tit of yourself?
0:18:09 > 0:18:14Kemp's nine days wonder. It's where "a nine days wonder" comes from.
0:18:14 > 0:18:21He just did it for publicity. "I may have left Shakespeare's company, but they will go down now."
0:18:21 > 0:18:26Quite the reverse happened. He went off to Italy and died in penury.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29- His gravestone says, "Kemp. A man." - LAUGHTER
0:18:29 > 0:18:35And after he left, the first play Shakespeare wrote was Henry V in which Falstaff dies offstage.
0:18:35 > 0:18:41Kemp was kind of got rid of that way and a new man came in and played the comedians.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45While we're on the subject of Will Kemp and his Morris dancing,
0:18:45 > 0:18:50- what do you call a group of Morris dancers?- An arse.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- A swarm?- A swarm...
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- An embarrassment.- Oh...
0:18:56 > 0:19:00- A plague?- A bell-end.
0:19:00 > 0:19:01A bell-end!
0:19:01 > 0:19:06- LAUGHTER - Honestly, poor old Britain. We've got one folk tradition in England
0:19:06 > 0:19:10- and all we do is laugh at it. - It's true.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14It really generates hostility, Morris dancing. I think...
0:19:14 > 0:19:19- We're so mean about it.- I think we think they're up to something.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22(BILL) A perve of Morris dancers!
0:19:22 > 0:19:28I think it's very valuable that we can point to that and say, "See? It's a free country."
0:19:28 > 0:19:33LAUGHTER They're not doing that in Afghanistan!
0:19:33 > 0:19:37If we were going to ban anything, we'd ban that.
0:19:37 > 0:19:43What'll happen is if this scene of all of us dressed like this now and this photograph behind us
0:19:43 > 0:19:49is shown, we'll end up as an "And finally..." section on foreign news programmes.
0:19:50 > 0:19:55"Les anglais... Haha!" LAUGHTER
0:19:55 > 0:19:58It's known as a side, anyway.
0:19:58 > 0:20:05- A side.- A group of Morris men. No one quite knows where it comes from. They think it's from Moorish
0:20:05 > 0:20:10to celebrate the expulsion of the Moors from Spain.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Certainly not pagan and mystical or anything.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17It's pretty recent. 14th century is the earliest you can go back to it.
0:20:17 > 0:20:24There are 150 sides now registered in the USA so American Morris dancing is taking off in a BIG way!
0:20:24 > 0:20:29- That's three per state, on average. - (AMERICAN) "I've joined a bell-end!"
0:20:29 > 0:20:33"This is what they do in Old England.
0:20:33 > 0:20:37- "Merry England."- There's an Arctic Morris group based in Helsinki.
0:20:37 > 0:20:44But now time to visit that undiscovered country from whose bourn no idiot returns,
0:20:44 > 0:20:50as we bring down the curtain on general ignorance. Sound trumpets! Farewell, sour annoy!
0:20:50 > 0:20:54For here, I hope, begins our lasting joy. Fingers on buzzers.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58What best describes, in one word, Richard III's appearance?
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Hunchback! KLAXON SOUNDS
0:21:03 > 0:21:04No!
0:21:04 > 0:21:09No, there's no evidence at all that Richard III had a hunched back.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13It's just the black propaganda of the Tudors who succeeded him.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17- The character in the play does. - Certainly.
0:21:17 > 0:21:24- And a sort of twisted arm. - A bottled spider is one of the things he's called. Hideous name.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28It seems he was rather a decent fellow. Intelligent, kind.
0:21:28 > 0:21:35A man called Polydore Vergil, a historian determined to paint him as black as possible,
0:21:35 > 0:21:40described him as ugly. They associated ugliness with wickedness.
0:21:40 > 0:21:45So while on that sort of thing, how beautiful was Cleopatra?
0:21:45 > 0:21:47She was minging.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50A bit weird looking, but striking?
0:21:50 > 0:21:56- Yes, that's probably fair. - Long nose?- It seems possible she had a long, pointy nose.
0:21:56 > 0:22:01There's no contemporary suggestion that she was particularly beautiful.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05- She had a very beautiful voice and was charismatic.- She seemed sexy.
0:22:05 > 0:22:10She seemed sexy, which I find is half the battle.
0:22:10 > 0:22:14Her mouth is very small. It only extends as far as her nostril.
0:22:14 > 0:22:21- That isn't necessarily Cleopatra. - No?- That's just a woman... - An artist's impression.
0:22:21 > 0:22:26- Just a woman going mad with some napkins.- She's gone serviette crazy.
0:22:27 > 0:22:34"Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety," as Enobarbus said about her.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38How did Christopher Marlowe die?
0:22:39 > 0:22:41Well, now... Da-dum!
0:22:41 > 0:22:47- Yes?- Let me say it so you can mock me. He died in a bar brawl by being stabbed.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50KLAXON SOUNDS
0:22:50 > 0:22:55Oh, dear me. He was stabbed, but not in a tavern brawl.
0:22:55 > 0:23:02It was thought so for many years, but it wasn't until 1925 that the documents came to light
0:23:02 > 0:23:09that showed he was killed at the house of a Mrs Eleanor Bull by a man called Ingram Frizer,
0:23:09 > 0:23:15- with whom he'd spent the day and argued over the bill. - Over a bill? That's a bit harsh.
0:23:15 > 0:23:20- "I only had a mineral water!" - Yes, exactly.
0:23:20 > 0:23:25- So it wasn't a tavern?- No. - What was the bill for, then? A restaurant?
0:23:25 > 0:23:31- A pop-up restaurant!- They call it a tavern. It was a smart restaurant, but went downhill after a stabbing.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35- It might have been a prostitute. - Right.- A brothel.
0:23:35 > 0:23:40- So a brothel bill. - "I didn't have that. No."
0:23:40 > 0:23:44To be honest, the service charge is redundant.
0:23:44 > 0:23:52"I had one of them, two of them. I asked for that, but it never happened."
0:23:52 > 0:23:58- It was off.- "If we all chip in, we can afford that."
0:23:58 > 0:24:02Why don't we just get one big one and all have a bit?
0:24:03 > 0:24:07Oh, I don't know... Oh, no. Dear me. Anyway...
0:24:07 > 0:24:15He was unlikely to be in a brothel. He didn't trust anyone who didn't like tobacco and boys.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18- What made Lord Byron limp? - LAUGHTER
0:24:18 > 0:24:21That's a follow-up question.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24Item four on the brothel bill?
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Eight hours of Morris dancing?
0:24:28 > 0:24:32He had, from birth, a pronounced limp.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35L-I-M-P. Pronounced "limp".
0:24:35 > 0:24:41- They're not sure if he had a club foot.- We know that, in fact, he didn't have a club foot.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45It's often said that he did. That's what people have heard of.
0:24:45 > 0:24:50He had a sort of withered leg. He was very athletic and hated this limp,
0:24:50 > 0:24:56but he swam the Hellespont and he boxed and was very worried about his weight.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59He was possibly an early male anorexic.
0:24:59 > 0:25:04And he liked to spend money, did old Byron.
0:25:04 > 0:25:10He ordered batches of two dozen at a time of white linen trousers and silk handkerchiefs by the hundred.
0:25:10 > 0:25:15Each one was nine guineas, an average man's pay for the year.
0:25:15 > 0:25:20Was he coining it in with the writing at this time?
0:25:20 > 0:25:25He inherited at an early age, which he spent very fast,
0:25:25 > 0:25:28but he was, in fact, incredibly highly paid.
0:25:28 > 0:25:33For every canto of Don Juan, his last great masterpiece, he got thousands.
0:25:33 > 0:25:39- So he'd run out of hankies, "Oh, I'll write another canto." - Hugely successful.
0:25:39 > 0:25:44- White linen trousers?- Yes.- Sounds like something out of Miami Vice.
0:25:44 > 0:25:50It does a bit. He had to leave England because there was a scandal about him possibly having had sex
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- with...- A young... < Goat.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56LAUGHTER
0:25:56 > 0:26:00He kept a bear at Cambridge in his rooms.
0:26:00 > 0:26:06The Master of Trinity said, "The rules are absolutely clear. No domestic animals."
0:26:06 > 0:26:11He said, "I assure you, Master, he's not domestic. He's entirely wild."
0:26:11 > 0:26:13So he was allowed to keep it.
0:26:13 > 0:26:20- There was a rumour that he had shagged his sister.- I thought you were going to say the bear!- No!
0:26:20 > 0:26:25- As far as I know...- Is that more horrific than shagging your sister?
0:26:25 > 0:26:30- It's just different, really.- It is. - It's probably braver.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32LAUGHTER
0:26:32 > 0:26:37Lord Byron limped because of an abnormality in one leg.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41Now what can the Queen do that an idiot can't?
0:26:43 > 0:26:48By the looks of it, kill people with their own eyes.
0:26:48 > 0:26:54- She doesn't look in the best mood. - "One tires of Morris dancing..."
0:26:54 > 0:27:00- This is something she's allowed to do, but doesn't. An idiot is not allowed.- Drive? Vote?- Vote.
0:27:00 > 0:27:08Most people think the Queen can't vote. She has every right to vote, but she's never exercised it.
0:27:08 > 0:27:14But idiots are not allowed to vote. And lunatics may only vote during their lucid periods.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16LAUGHTER
0:27:16 > 0:27:19They test them on the way in.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23Most people think the Royals can't vote. They just choose not to.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27Alas, alack and well away, our revels now are ended.
0:27:27 > 0:27:33All spirits are now melted into air, into thin air, and we must consult the scores.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Oh, my gracious heavens.
0:27:36 > 0:27:42I'm afraid, rather down the bottom of the list, with minus 14 is Bill Bailey!
0:27:42 > 0:27:44APPLAUSE
0:27:48 > 0:27:52And four to the better with minus 10, Sue Perkins!
0:27:52 > 0:27:54APPLAUSE
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Second witch, with a very creditable plus 3, Alan Davies!
0:28:03 > 0:28:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:05 > 0:28:07Very good.
0:28:07 > 0:28:12But tonight's Prince of Denmark with six points is David Mitchell!
0:28:12 > 0:28:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:20 > 0:28:26Well, it only remains for me to thank our dramatis personae - Sue, David, Bill and Alan -
0:28:26 > 0:28:30and leave you with this perceptive thought from Robert Wilensky.
0:28:30 > 0:28:36"We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare,
0:28:36 > 0:28:42"but now thanks to the internet we know that this is not true." Good night.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd