0:00:25 > 0:00:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Go-o-o-o-o-od evening,
0:00:32 > 0:00:36good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:36 > 0:00:37and welcome to QI,
0:00:37 > 0:00:42where we have an ill-assorted imbroglio of interesting items
0:00:42 > 0:00:44initiated by I.
0:00:44 > 0:00:49Here for your immediate inspection are the inestimable John Bishop...
0:00:49 > 0:00:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:57..the inimitable Frank Skinner.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:04- The incomparable Sean Lock. - Thank you.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:07 > 0:01:11And Alan Davies is also in.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:16 > 0:01:21Now, this evening the buzzers are intentionally irritating.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23John goes...
0:01:23 > 0:01:26MOSQUITO WHINE
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Frank goes...
0:01:33 > 0:01:37SMALL DOG YAPPING
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Can I ask, how long is this show?
0:01:48 > 0:01:51LAUGHTER It depends how often you use the buzzer.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Sean goes...
0:01:53 > 0:01:56TODDLER SCREAMS
0:01:59 > 0:02:02And Alan goes... "WRONG AGAIN" ALARM
0:02:04 > 0:02:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:12 > 0:02:15As John and Frank have never played the game before,
0:02:15 > 0:02:19I should explain that each of you has a Nobody Knows placard.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- You might like to show it. It's a question mark.- Nobody knows.
0:02:22 > 0:02:27That's it. There will be a question tonight to which nobody knows the answer.
0:02:27 > 0:02:32If you think, when I ask it, that this is the question to which there is no known answer,
0:02:32 > 0:02:35you wave your card and you get extra points.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38It looks like they had Strictly Come Dancing one night,
0:02:38 > 0:02:41and someone did a dance so experimental...
0:02:41 > 0:02:42LAUGHTER
0:02:44 > 0:02:45You can consider it that way.
0:02:45 > 0:02:49Now, to warm up the new boys, here's an easy one to begin with.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52What's the French for "innuendo"?
0:02:53 > 0:02:55Is it "double entendre"?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58"WRONG AGAIN" ALARM Ohhhhh!
0:02:58 > 0:03:02No, I've just remembered, "double entendre" is French for "big tits".
0:03:02 > 0:03:05LAUGHTER
0:03:05 > 0:03:09"Double entendre" means nothing to a Frenchman. You could say "double entente".
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- "Entente" is like a... - Two-man tent.
0:03:15 > 0:03:21No. Or "double sens", double sense. But they don't say "double entendre".
0:03:21 > 0:03:24So it's a French phrase that the French don't use?
0:03:24 > 0:03:25- So it's not French.- Exactly.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28That's precisely what this round of questions is about.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31There are other examples. If you're at a performance,
0:03:31 > 0:03:34someone is brilliant, you want them to perform again...
0:03:34 > 0:03:39- Encore!- You'd shout "encore". What would they shout in France?- "More".
0:03:39 > 0:03:41No. But good thought!
0:03:41 > 0:03:46But "encore" is a French word meaning "more", but they don't shout it.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50They shout a Latin word which means "twice".
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- Mm. Mm.- Anyone?
0:03:52 > 0:03:54Anyone in the audience? CALLS FROM AUDIENCE
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Bis. B-I-S.
0:03:56 > 0:04:01- Bis! Bis!- That's crap. - They should try "encore".
0:04:01 > 0:04:04You'd hate to do a show, wouldn't you,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06and at the end, everyone goes "Bis".
0:04:06 > 0:04:08"Bi-i-i-i-is!"
0:04:08 > 0:04:10- It's like that. - MOSQUITO WHINE
0:04:14 > 0:04:15APPLAUSE
0:04:15 > 0:04:19There are other phrases which we use, which sound French,
0:04:19 > 0:04:21but again mean nothing to a Frenchman.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24"Cause celebre" is not a French phrase.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Like "en-suite" for a bathroom, the French would go, "What?"
0:04:27 > 0:04:29What about "bidet"?
0:04:29 > 0:04:35"Bidet", they do indeed have, though it's easier to do a handstand in the shower, to be honest.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36LAUGHTER
0:04:36 > 0:04:40And if you want the expense of-of a bidet...
0:04:40 > 0:04:44- "Easier"? - If you're as nimble as I am.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46I'd pay good money to see that.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51I'd like to see you with a camera, going, "Tweet this."
0:04:58 > 0:05:01The trouble is with the handstand in the shower, though,
0:05:01 > 0:05:05it's like when you see a mountain steam, and you think,
0:05:05 > 0:05:08"The water looks all right but I don't know where it's been."
0:05:08 > 0:05:12When you're upside down and this water is pouring across your face,
0:05:12 > 0:05:16lodging in your nostrils, and you know that it's been...
0:05:16 > 0:05:19LAUGHTER Well, that's a worry.
0:05:19 > 0:05:25I had a friend who had read somewhere that if you slept upside down, it made you more intelligent
0:05:25 > 0:05:29- because the blood went to your brain.- Went to your brain.
0:05:29 > 0:05:34And I became obsessed with the idea that he would have a wet dream and die.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36LAUGHTER
0:05:38 > 0:05:42Oh, that's so... In so many ways, a horrific image.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47So yes, there are words we use, "decolletage", for example, we use for the...
0:05:47 > 0:05:50The French use "decollete" for that.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53Excuse me, when you say "we", you mean you.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54LAUGHTER
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Well, it's not a common phrase.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00No, it's not. Nobody says, "Look at the decolletage on that."
0:06:00 > 0:06:03You never stop learning.
0:06:03 > 0:06:08I've already learned how to say to my teenage sons, "Look at the knockers on that"
0:06:08 > 0:06:10without their mum getting annoyed.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13And now you can say "decolletage".
0:06:13 > 0:06:15"Decolletage"!
0:06:15 > 0:06:20Also, "en-suite", which is used commonly these days for a bathroom connected to a bedroom.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24- In France, they didn't use... - (COCKNEY) And of course, the en-suite.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- It's- commonly- used.
0:06:27 > 0:06:32There's a Greek phrase. The Greeks say "Katatraya stayeftika", I think it is.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35And it means, "Who gives a shit?"
0:06:35 > 0:06:39But literally, it means, "There is trouble in the gypsy village."
0:06:39 > 0:06:41LAUGHTER
0:06:46 > 0:06:47It's true.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51Depending how high you are up socially, it's right, isn't it?
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Poor people wouldn't give a shit.
0:06:55 > 0:07:00Anyway, that's the point. You can ask a Frenchman for a double entendre if you like,
0:07:00 > 0:07:03but you'll be lucky if he gives you one.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05Not to some... LAUGHTER
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Thank you very much.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09Now to some i-tunes.
0:07:09 > 0:07:13Who wrote the songs, I'm Leaning On A Lamppost
0:07:13 > 0:07:16and When I'm Cleaning Windows?
0:07:17 > 0:07:18SMALL DOG YAPPING
0:07:18 > 0:07:21Definitely not George Formby,
0:07:21 > 0:07:27even though his wife Beryl insisted George had a credit so that he'd get money.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31You're absolutely right, and you're a bit of a fan of George Formby?
0:07:31 > 0:07:32I am indeed, yeah.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35I'm Leaning On A Lamppost was one of his big hits.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Wasn't When I'm Cleaning Windows a bit dodgy?
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Well, there was a phrase, "The blushing bride, she looks divine
0:07:42 > 0:07:43"The bridegroom, he is doing fine
0:07:43 > 0:07:45"I'd rather have his job than mine
0:07:45 > 0:07:47"When I'm cleaning windows."
0:07:47 > 0:07:49The BBC banned it.
0:07:49 > 0:07:54However, George Formby was invited to perform at Windsor in front of the Royal Family in 1941,
0:07:54 > 0:07:57and some troops, during the War, obviously,
0:07:57 > 0:08:01and the Queen Mother insisted he sing the song properly, with no cuts.
0:08:01 > 0:08:06She loved it, and asked him to sing it another three times. But the BBC still banned it.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09You're a special group, George Formby fans,
0:08:09 > 0:08:13and it's usual amongst George Formby fans, I believe,
0:08:13 > 0:08:17that they teach themselves the banjolele, and as you are one,
0:08:17 > 0:08:19we have a banjolele.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Can you delight us with some Formby?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24- Am I on the spot? - I don't know if it's tuned but...
0:08:24 > 0:08:29Don't worry about that. "My dog has fleas", is what you need to remember.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33# My dog has... # Oh, this one doesn't have fleas, he has distemper.
0:08:33 > 0:08:34LAUGHTER
0:08:34 > 0:08:40That, um, When I'm Cleaning Windows has got another bit that goes,
0:08:40 > 0:08:44# Eight o'clock, a girl awakes At ten past eight a bath she takes
0:08:44 > 0:08:49# At quarter past, my ladder breaks # When I'm cleaning windows #
0:08:49 > 0:08:50LAUGHTER
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Er, there's a bit that goes...
0:08:58 > 0:09:02# There's a famous movie queen She looks a beauty on the screen
0:09:02 > 0:09:06# She's more like 80 than 18 When I'm cleaning windows
0:09:06 > 0:09:11# She takes her hair down all behind Then takes down her never mind
0:09:11 > 0:09:16# And finally takes down the blind When I'm cleaning windows #
0:09:16 > 0:09:17Cheeky!
0:09:17 > 0:09:19APPLAUSE
0:09:23 > 0:09:26There is a tradition, I don't know if it exists in other languages,
0:09:26 > 0:09:29or whether it's peculiarly English,
0:09:29 > 0:09:31of the tradition of Frankie Howerd, Carry On.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34They can be clever, those innuendos.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38There used to be a joke, "She was only a so-and-so's daughter...
0:09:38 > 0:09:42She was only a road-mender's daughter but she liked having her ass felt,
0:09:42 > 0:09:43or whatever it was.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- That's it. - LAUGHTER
0:09:45 > 0:09:50She was only a fishmonger's daughter, but she could lay it on the slab and say, "fillet".
0:09:50 > 0:09:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:57 > 0:09:59That's probably enough innuendo.
0:09:59 > 0:10:05If I see another double entendre, I'll whip it out and probably stick a blue pencil through it.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08Now, let's play... WA WA WA WAAAA
0:10:08 > 0:10:10How Ironic Is That?
0:10:10 > 0:10:14Mm, yes. I'm going to outline some situations,
0:10:14 > 0:10:20and all you have to do is tell me how ironic they are, and why.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Is it out of 100?
0:10:22 > 0:10:29No, you can just give me a sort of sense of just exactly how ironic you think they are.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31I'm just worried about how we grade the irony.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33I would say shiny...
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Shall I tell you...
0:10:35 > 0:10:38..down to rusty.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41Shall I tell you what the shades of irony supposedly are?
0:10:41 > 0:10:45I think what we're getting at is, "irony"'s often weirdly misused.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48People say, "Ironically, he wasn't there."
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- You mean, unfortunately. - The invisible man.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53LAUGHTER
0:10:53 > 0:10:56There's verbal irony, the opposite of what's...
0:10:56 > 0:11:00"As clear as mud", "Oh, this is a fine state of affairs".
0:11:00 > 0:11:03Slightly less than sarcasm, that's verbal irony.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05There's comic irony. Dr Strangelove.
0:11:05 > 0:11:10"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here, this is the War Room" for example, is an ironic remark.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Dramatic irony.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15Little does he know that I'm about to...
0:11:15 > 0:11:20Yeah, the audience knows Oedipus is the very murderer that he's hunting, as it were.
0:11:20 > 0:11:25- Dramatic irony. - As in, "Dive, thoughts, down to my soul. Here Clarence comes."
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Yes. That's just the kind of thing. Richard III and others.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30APPLAUSE
0:11:32 > 0:11:37Ladies and gentlemen, an all-round entertainer!
0:11:37 > 0:11:41And then there's Socratic irony, which is pretending to be dumber than you are,
0:11:41 > 0:11:43like Socrates, or like Columbo.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Lieutenant Columbo, the greatest ever detective. There you are.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49God, that's the greatest ever show.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53Is that it? Like Socrates or Lieutenant Columbo?
0:11:53 > 0:11:57- I would be hard put to say... - I know they both did that, but beyond that...
0:11:57 > 0:12:00I would be hard put to say which was greater.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04I think Columbo is the greatest TV series ever made. I worship it.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06- I absolutely agree with that. - I'm glad.
0:12:06 > 0:12:11I once spent a long night with David Baddiel having an argument
0:12:11 > 0:12:15about whether Columbo had one eye or not.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Peter Falk, you mean? Yeah.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18Well, no, this was the debate.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22My argument was that Peter Falk does indeed have one eye,
0:12:22 > 0:12:26but in Columbo, that eye plays the part of a real eye.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Yes! LAUGHTER
0:12:28 > 0:12:30I think there's truth in that.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34- Columbo has two eyes. - That's how good he was. I agree.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37How did this argument go on for so long?
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- Was it like Women In Love? - He wouldn't have it.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44Were you wrestling naked in front of a fire? Women In Love?
0:12:44 > 0:12:49That was how we had to decide it in the end. We couldn't find a coin.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52So, is this ironic? John Kendrick was an American sea captain
0:12:52 > 0:12:55who put into Honolulu Harbour in 1794
0:12:55 > 0:13:00and was killed by the cannon which was fired to salute him.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02GROANING
0:13:02 > 0:13:06Now, we understand situational and arguably, comic irony,
0:13:06 > 0:13:09though the audience was very sympathetic.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- That's fairly ironic. - It's pretty ironic, isn't it?
0:13:12 > 0:13:14It's almost up in the spangly section.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17Yes.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20What about Clement Vallandigham who was an Ohio lawyer
0:13:20 > 0:13:25who died in 1871 while defending a man who was accused of murder during a bar room brawl.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29To show the jury how the pistol might have gone off accidentally,
0:13:29 > 0:13:32this lawyer grabbed the gun, put it in his pocket,
0:13:32 > 0:13:37and re-enacted the events as he imagined them.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40- And sure enough... - He was shot by a cannon.
0:13:40 > 0:13:46No, the pistol went off and he was killed by the gun in exactly the way he was describing.
0:13:46 > 0:13:51Just before he died from his own wounds, his client was acquitted.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54And the good thing is, his client didn't have to pay.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57No, exactly. It's perfect.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Situational irony, I think that would be called.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02But, now, what about Abraham Lincoln?
0:14:02 > 0:14:05He was shot while sitting in Ford's Theatre,
0:14:05 > 0:14:08while Kennedy was shot while sitting in a Ford Lincoln.
0:14:08 > 0:14:13Many other coincidences like that. That's just simply coincidence.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18- Not irony.- Regan was shot in Washington, and Washington was shot with a Raygun.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19LAUGHTER
0:14:19 > 0:14:23If only that were true.
0:14:23 > 0:14:29It would almost be worth inventing a time machine and going back with a Raygun just to do that.
0:14:29 > 0:14:34It's true. But nobody knew what a Raygun was then, so they just went, "What's that?"
0:14:34 > 0:14:36LAUGHTER
0:14:36 > 0:14:38This is rather ironic.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41In 1989 in America, convicted murderer Michael Godwin
0:14:41 > 0:14:45had his sentence reduced to life imprisonment
0:14:45 > 0:14:47after five years awaiting the electric chair.
0:14:47 > 0:14:53But he was then accidentally electrocuted while sitting naked on a steel lavatory seat
0:14:53 > 0:14:54in his cell in Columbia.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56He was trying to fix his TV set.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59He bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01That is a kind of cosmic irony, really.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04That's not irony. That's God's will.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06It's God's will. I think you may well be right.
0:15:06 > 0:15:11That's irony for you. The things we call irony often really aren't that ironic.
0:15:11 > 0:15:12Ironically. Or not.
0:15:12 > 0:15:18Now, um, for some inside information. What's inside this?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Can anyone tell me?
0:15:20 > 0:15:22It's a natural thing.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Well, it looks like a coconut.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28- It could be an elephant turd, couldn't it?- It could be. It isn't.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32This thing is actually a nut.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Weirdly, the things inside it are not nuts,
0:15:35 > 0:15:40but the things inside it are familiar to all of us as nuts.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43This is how these grow.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44Here they are.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- Oh, Brazil nuts.- Brazil nuts.
0:15:46 > 0:15:51They grow inside... These are seeds, but we call them nuts.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55Biologically, these are the seeds, and they grow inside this, the nut.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57They grow on top of the tree.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00They're very heavy, they've been known to kill people.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03But it's a very strange life cycle they have.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06This tree cannot be cultivated, so they're only wild.
0:16:06 > 0:16:11Only wild trees produce these nuts, inside which are the Brazils.
0:16:11 > 0:16:16And they can only be pollinated by a very particular bee,
0:16:16 > 0:16:18and that bee will only be able to pollinate it
0:16:18 > 0:16:21if there is in the area a very particular orchid.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25So there's a really strange chain of necessary life situations
0:16:25 > 0:16:29in order for us to get our purple Quality Street, essentially.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32There is something unique as well about the Brazil nut.
0:16:32 > 0:16:36As you probably know, there are people who are allergic to nuts.
0:16:36 > 0:16:40But the Brazil nut, uniquely, amongst all the nuts...
0:16:40 > 0:16:41This is really unfortunate.
0:16:41 > 0:16:48You can sexually transmit Brazil nut to a partner.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51That is to say, if a male has eaten a Brazil nut,
0:16:51 > 0:16:56and they inseminate a person who is allergic,
0:16:56 > 0:17:01that person's allergy will be affected by it.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04That's a good murder plot, isn't it?
0:17:04 > 0:17:05LAUGHTER
0:17:06 > 0:17:08It is amazing.
0:17:08 > 0:17:14I actually feel right in the middle of an episode of House now.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18Cos how on earth has that been found out?
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Surely the woman would feel the Brazil nut?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23LAUGHTER
0:17:24 > 0:17:26I think you may have slightly misunderstood...
0:17:26 > 0:17:28The man would too, really.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31May contain nuts!
0:17:31 > 0:17:32LAUGHTER
0:17:32 > 0:17:37We must ask the QI audience, both the physical one here, and those watching TV,
0:17:37 > 0:17:39to be our experimental cohort,
0:17:39 > 0:17:43and I want you all to eat Brazil nuts and then make love to your beloveds..
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- I'll eat the nuts.- Yep.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49LAUGHTER Sean is volunteering on that side.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53I'm happy to eat the nuts. You line up, I'll eat the nuts, let's check it out.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55There you are.
0:17:55 > 0:17:59- Let's do this!- Let's do this thing for science.- Yeah.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03Incidentally, does anyone know, in a packet of mixed nuts,
0:18:03 > 0:18:05why do the Brazils always rise to the top?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Surely nobody knows that.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12TRUMPET FANFARE You're right!
0:18:12 > 0:18:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:13 > 0:18:15I'm very impressed.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19It is a known and observable process,
0:18:19 > 0:18:24that in bags of muesli and nuts, the Brazil nuts do go to the top.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Scientists have worked hard to try and understand why.
0:18:27 > 0:18:33At first they thought the little ones settle down through and leave the big ones at the top,
0:18:33 > 0:18:35but the fact is, as Alan correctly surmised,
0:18:35 > 0:18:38nobody knows what causes the Brazil nut effect.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41What do the signal bars on your phone mean?
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Well, it means how much... signal... you can...
0:18:45 > 0:18:47LAUGHTER
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Don't be scared.
0:18:52 > 0:18:59They mean how... how... the thing with the thing in the sky and they come through,
0:18:59 > 0:19:00not there, all gone.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02I need it in English, I'm afraid.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06- It's got... - Talky talky power all gone away.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10Sky no fly down in the air here.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Big bird in sky.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15You're either connected or you're not connected.
0:19:15 > 0:19:20So levels of connectivity are a bit irrelevant.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Yes, I would have accepted a Nobody Knows card, too late now,
0:19:23 > 0:19:27because basically, there is no standardisation between manufacturers,
0:19:27 > 0:19:31and different handset makers have different ways of showing
0:19:31 > 0:19:33what is apparently a full signal,
0:19:33 > 0:19:37and we're all really thrilled, "Oh, look, I've got five bars."
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Absolutely meaningless.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42How many Nobody Knows questions are there in this tonight?
0:19:42 > 0:19:47Ah! Nobody knows. And now we sink our claws into the soft underbelly of knowledge,
0:19:47 > 0:19:51and tear out the fetid entrails of general ignorance.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53So fingers on buzzers, please.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55What use is an inflatable anchor?
0:19:56 > 0:19:58MOSQUITO WHINE
0:19:58 > 0:19:59Yes?
0:19:59 > 0:20:04Is it for hot air balloons?
0:20:04 > 0:20:08Very smart answer. No.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10SMALL DOG YAPPING
0:20:10 > 0:20:16- Yes?- Is it to stop submarines from, um,... going too low?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:22 > 0:20:24That's so sweet.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27When the surface is incredibly sandy,
0:20:27 > 0:20:31and a standard claw anchor would have nothing to catch onto,
0:20:31 > 0:20:34you send down an inflatable one.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39It's a spike. It goes into the sand, and you inflate it with fluid, not air, in fact.
0:20:39 > 0:20:45And it lodges in the sand. That's what they use. Now you know.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49Which animal did Richard I have three of on his shirt?
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Now, can I suggest that at this point in history,
0:20:52 > 0:20:54no-one in England had ever seen a lion.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Is that possible?
0:20:55 > 0:20:58So, it's not a lion.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02- What did Richard I spend most of his time doing?- I don't know.
0:21:02 > 0:21:03- Crusades.- Crusading.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07- There weren't any lions in Arabia, were there?- There were in Africa.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Bloody everywhere, they were.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13Zoos. The Tower of London had a menagerie, a little later, I grant you.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16In a picnic in those days, not wasps, lions.
0:21:16 > 0:21:18Millions of them.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20GET OFF ME SANDWICH!
0:21:20 > 0:21:22The point is...
0:21:22 > 0:21:26Seen some lions! Swans are the bastards.
0:21:26 > 0:21:31He looks like he's going, "Ooh, get you in your suit of armour!"
0:21:31 > 0:21:34He looks like he's doing a sort of, "Ooh!"
0:21:34 > 0:21:39This is the badge of English royalty that was first used by Richard I,
0:21:39 > 0:21:40and it's three...
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Well, I'd say, not lions.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46You're right to avoid the word lions.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50They were known as leopards. They called them leopards.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54They were not familiar with the difference between a leopard and a lion.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57And leopard really just means a bearded lion,
0:21:57 > 0:21:58and it's a heraldic thing.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02If they were that shape sideways on, those were leopards.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05So there was a song, wasn't there?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07- Wasn't there, Frank Skinner? - There was.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10And that would have caused me a lot of scanning problems.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Yes. It was based, however, on a lie.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15No, it was based on a lion.
0:22:15 > 0:22:20- "Three leopards on my shirt." - Were they rampant or couchant?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22- Good question. - AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:22:22 > 0:22:25It's going to be the excitement of the century.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30They were actually passant gardant.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33But the rampant lion is the sign of the Kings of Scotland.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Very hairy knees, the Scottish one.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Yes, they have rather, haven't they?
0:22:37 > 0:22:40They would be called lions in heraldry,
0:22:40 > 0:22:43whereas the three lions on the shirt would be known as leopards.
0:22:43 > 0:22:49So, which years did your song chart, Frank Skinner and David Baddiel's Three Lions?
0:22:49 > 0:22:54- It was number one in... - '96, and then again in '98.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56Yeah. It charted in...
0:22:56 > 0:23:00And then it charted in, er, 2000.
0:23:00 > 0:23:022002. It missed out 2000, I'm afraid.
0:23:02 > 0:23:07- Did it?- Yeah. 2002, 2006 and 2010.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09- That's quite impressive. - I must check my platinum discs.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Ooh!
0:23:11 > 0:23:15Yes, I think we can safely say we milked it.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18You milked those leopards.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22Can I ask, was it big in any other country?
0:23:22 > 0:23:24It got to the top ten in Germany.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26The Germans, when they actually won Euro 96,
0:23:26 > 0:23:29which is what the song was originally written for,
0:23:29 > 0:23:32they figured they'd won the song as well,
0:23:32 > 0:23:36so they were on the balcony in Berlin leading the crowd
0:23:36 > 0:23:38in Three Lions On His Shirt.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40My God.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41Now, that's irony.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43LAUGHTER
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Very good.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48APPLAUSE
0:23:48 > 0:23:51The fact is, anyone can get a Grant of Arms.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53You only need £4,225,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56which is cheaper than some cherished number plates.
0:23:56 > 0:24:00Sir Christopher Frayling, former Chairman of the Arts Council
0:24:00 > 0:24:02and expert on Clint Eastwood movies
0:24:02 > 0:24:07took a motto, which is "Perge Scellus Diem Perficias".
0:24:07 > 0:24:09"Go ahead, punk, make my day"?
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Yes! Very good!
0:24:12 > 0:24:13APPLAUSE
0:24:15 > 0:24:20In heraldic, "Proceed, varlet, and render perfect the day."
0:24:20 > 0:24:23On my coat of arms, its says "Katatraya stayeftika".
0:24:23 > 0:24:26"There is trouble in the gypsy village."
0:24:28 > 0:24:30What's the Latin for "Nick nack nocky noo?"
0:24:30 > 0:24:32LAUGHTER
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Frank Skinner's career as a pop star
0:24:34 > 0:24:38is, in fact, built on a lamentable terminological inexactitude,
0:24:38 > 0:24:40or lie.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:42 > 0:24:45Now, name...
0:24:45 > 0:24:46APPLAUSE
0:24:46 > 0:24:50If you can, see if you can name a living animal
0:24:50 > 0:24:56whose scientific name is exactly the same as its common name.
0:24:56 > 0:24:57SMALL DOG YAPPING
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Isn't a gorilla called Gorilla Gorilla?
0:25:00 > 0:25:01"WRONG AGAIN" ALARM
0:25:01 > 0:25:07I'm afraid so. Unfortunately, it's called Gorilla Gorilla, but the common name for it is just Gorilla.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09There's only one animal we can think of
0:25:09 > 0:25:13where the common name for it is exactly the same as its Latinate...
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Does it sound a bit Latiny?
0:25:15 > 0:25:17- In a way.- Is it rhinoceros? - No, that's Greek.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21- It's not that, no. That doesn't sound Latin at all.- Horse?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24No, that's Equus. No, it's not a mammal, OK?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- It's not a mammal?- Frog.
0:25:27 > 0:25:32No, it's not. It's herpetic, it's ophidian, it's long and narrow.
0:25:32 > 0:25:37- Snake.- Snake. It's a kind of snake. - Oh, it's a kind of snake, not snake.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38LAUGHTER
0:25:38 > 0:25:41- No, no, it's a species we're after. - Monty Python.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Oh, I see, cos if you know about them, you don't go, "Look, snake."
0:25:45 > 0:25:48You go, "Ah, it's Snakus Curmuncunus."
0:25:48 > 0:25:52- Exactly. There is one where precisely...- Boa Constrictor.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- Boa Constrictor is the right answer! - I was thinking it!
0:25:55 > 0:25:56APPLAUSE
0:25:58 > 0:26:03The scientific name for the Boa Constrictor is Boa Constrictor.
0:26:03 > 0:26:07As far as we can tell at QI, there is no other animal where that's true.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10There's some plants where it's true, Aloe Vera, or whatever,
0:26:10 > 0:26:14but no living animal, as far as we know, except the Boa Constrictor,
0:26:14 > 0:26:17has the same common name as scientific name.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20What's wrong with these bananas?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22They're upside down.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Yes, they're upside down.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Bananas do not grow like that.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28They grow like... that.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31- They grow upwards. - It's my area of expertise.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34I'm impressed. I'm very impressed. Well done.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38You probably know something else interesting about bananas.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41They have a quality, you might call it a negative quality,
0:26:41 > 0:26:45which some other foods have, including these.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49And that is, they are faintly radioactive.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51Not that there's any harm in eating bananas.
0:26:51 > 0:26:56The isotope in question from Potassium, K40, is present in our bodies in any case.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00Especially in men, in our little naughty areas.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Is that why they look like bananas?
0:27:02 > 0:27:03No.
0:27:03 > 0:27:08- No, actually, within the Epididymes, the...- Speak for yourself!
0:27:08 > 0:27:09Actually, yes!
0:27:09 > 0:27:12I'm waiting for mine to stop being green.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Oh, no!
0:27:15 > 0:27:18I'm more in the line with the Brazil nut.
0:27:19 > 0:27:24How long is the half life of the radioactive component of a banana?
0:27:24 > 0:27:28- I'd say six hours. - 1.25 billion years.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30You were only a bit out, then.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34It was going to be one or the other.
0:27:34 > 0:27:39Brazil nuts contain Radium, and are 1,000 times more radioactive than other foods.
0:27:39 > 0:27:44We're told that if you walk into a nuclear power plant with a pocket full of Brazils,
0:27:44 > 0:27:47it's liable to set off the radiation leak alarm.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49True story.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51And get a bit of a reputation.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Yes, definitely.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57"Here he comes, cheeky chappy, with his pocket full of Brazil nuts."
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Which brings me to the nutty scores.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03Well, my goodness, my gracious, and my word.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06We have a tie for first place.
0:28:06 > 0:28:09- Fight!- And would you believe...
0:28:09 > 0:28:11We're not Harry Hill here.
0:28:11 > 0:28:12Wonderful as he is.
0:28:12 > 0:28:16Would you believe that our two winners, our tie for first place,
0:28:16 > 0:28:21is our first-time players, Frank Skinner and John Bishop, four points!
0:28:21 > 0:28:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:23 > 0:28:28And in third place with minus 14 points, it's Sean Lock!
0:28:28 > 0:28:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Thank you.
0:28:32 > 0:28:36But I'm afraid that the currant that settled at the bottom of the box
0:28:36 > 0:28:39with minus 21 is Alan Davies.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:45 > 0:28:48Well, that's your lot for this week.
0:28:48 > 0:28:51My thanks to John, Frank, Sean and Alan.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54I leave you with these wise words from Groucho Marx.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57"He may look like an idiot, he may sound like an idiot,
0:28:57 > 0:29:00but don't let that fool you, he really is an idiot."
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Good night.
0:29:02 > 0:29:03APPLAUSE
0:29:20 > 0:29:23Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:23 > 0:29:26Email subtitling@bbc.co.uk