0:00:23 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Good...evening!
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Good evening. Good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:36 > 0:00:39and welcome to an absolutely choice edition of QI,
0:00:39 > 0:00:42which is all about indecision.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46All in a dither tonight are A, Jimmy Carr...
0:00:46 > 0:00:49CHEERING
0:00:49 > 0:00:52- ..B, Rich Hall... - CHEERING
0:00:53 > 0:00:57- ..C, Phill Jupitus - CHEERING
0:00:59 > 0:01:03..or D, none of the above, Alan Davies.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05CHEERING
0:01:09 > 0:01:12Your buzzers are designed to help you make up your mind.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15- Jimmy goes... - WOMAN: "Turn right. Turn right."
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- Phill goes... - WOMAN: "Turn left. Turn left."
0:01:18 > 0:01:21- Rich goes... - WOMAN: "Turn around. Turn around."
0:01:21 > 0:01:27- And Alan goes... - MAN: "Excuse me, sir. Is this your vehicle? Are you sure?
0:01:27 > 0:01:30"Would you blow into this bag, please, sir?"
0:01:30 > 0:01:33And don't forget your "nobody knows" jokers.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Have you got them there?
0:01:34 > 0:01:36FANFARE "Nobody knows."
0:01:36 > 0:01:40There is a question, to which the answer is "nobody knows".
0:01:40 > 0:01:42If you can flag it up, you get extra points.
0:01:42 > 0:01:47Now, why was this tosser thrown out of The Magic Circle?
0:01:47 > 0:01:52- "Tosser" is a technical term in this particular - - Was he using real magic?
0:01:52 > 0:01:55That's not the reason, but it's a damn good thought.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- What gets you thrown out? - Giving away the secrets.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03Yes. This guy, John Lenahan, was thrown out of The Magic Circle
0:02:03 > 0:02:07for giving away a particular, a very famous,
0:02:07 > 0:02:10you just have to buy a book and you know how to do it.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14He said if he'd been a murderer, he'd have been let out of prison by now,
0:02:14 > 0:02:16but he's out of The Magic Circle for life
0:02:16 > 0:02:20because he appeared on Des Lynam's "How Do They Do That?"
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- and revealed...- Oh, Lynam!
0:02:22 > 0:02:24..one of the classic card scams
0:02:24 > 0:02:28that is used on street corners to make money.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32- Find the Lady?- Or as they call it in America, Three-card Monte.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34- Exactly.- Because Find the Lady...
0:02:34 > 0:02:39I prefer Three-card Monte because I had a really bad experience in Thailand once.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43- Did you feel a bit of a dick?! - LAUGHTER
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Oh, I'm sorry!
0:02:49 > 0:02:54- Have you got some money there?- OK. - I have some to pay you, in case you get it right.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Here you are. Watch the screen. All you have to do is find the lady.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01Watch and then... There we go.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05- There she is.- Oh, OK. - Keep your eyes on her.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08OK, which is she?
0:03:08 > 0:03:11- On the left.- The left? - Yes.- Middle.- Middle?!
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- Audience?- ALL: Left. - It's obviously the left.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18Course it's on the left. You just follow it with your eyes.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22OK, let's have another go. This time, we'll do it for money.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Keep your eyes on the lady.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- There she is.- OK.
0:03:33 > 0:03:38- OK. Where's she gone?- Right, OK, you three put that on a card each,
0:03:38 > 0:03:42and I will stick this in a lady's knickers in the audience.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45That's a whole other game! That's a whole other lady to find.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48There's a lady put her hand up over there.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- She put her hand up what? - LAUGHTER
0:03:53 > 0:03:57That's the trouble with this game. You always want to see it a second time.
0:03:57 > 0:04:03- Place your bets.- I'm going left. - Left. OK.- I'm going left.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04- Right.- Right.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- Left.- Three lefts and a right.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10OK, let's show.
0:04:10 > 0:04:14- It is indeed the left! - Two in a row! Come on!
0:04:14 > 0:04:19- That's brilliant.- That's it, I'm getting my real money out. I'm on a roll!
0:04:19 > 0:04:20That's the time to quit!
0:04:20 > 0:04:24I ought to explain when talking about John Lenahan,
0:04:24 > 0:04:29when I called him a tosser, that is the name for the guy who does that trick.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32It's called tossing. You can win a lot of money by tossing.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- Agh!- What the...?
0:04:34 > 0:04:37LAUGHTER
0:04:40 > 0:04:44I think somebody thought it was real money. Anyway... Interesting.
0:04:44 > 0:04:49- OK.- What the hell was that? - We'll find out, maybe or maybe not.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53- OK, so -- I'm not in on that, I just want you to know!
0:04:54 > 0:04:57John Lenahan was expelled from The Magic Circle
0:04:57 > 0:04:59for exposing the secret of Find the Lady on TV.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02The real secret is, even if you choose correctly,
0:05:02 > 0:05:06someone is likely to run off with the money, because that's the way they work.
0:05:06 > 0:05:10Now for something beginning with "I" that you wouldn't choose in 100 years.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Who expected the Spanish Inquisition?
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Was it... Er... Was it...
0:05:16 > 0:05:18No. LAUGHTER
0:05:18 > 0:05:22According to Monty Python, nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24But, in fact, they couldn't be more wrong.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28The Spanish Inquisition always gave you 30 days' notice.
0:05:28 > 0:05:34They said... They said, "We're coming to inquisite you," or whatever verb they would use.
0:05:34 > 0:05:41"Is that Mr Rabinowitz? It's the Inquisition here. How are you? Good.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45"We're going to come round and pull your balls out through your mouth."
0:05:45 > 0:05:47"We're in the area.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51"But only for the next 30 days. Take advantage."
0:05:51 > 0:05:55- They gave you 30 days? - They're like the TV licence van!
0:05:55 > 0:05:58They gave you 30 days to prepare and prove that you weren't a heretic.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01You had to wait around the house all day.
0:06:01 > 0:06:06- "We'll be there between eight and five."- Or get a priest!
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Or say, "Torture my neighbour. I won't be in.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12"He'll take my torture for me."
0:06:12 > 0:06:17No, it is a surprising thing, perhaps. But when was it instituted?
0:06:17 > 0:06:20It went on for 350 years.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22- Give me a century.- 1483.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26- I can tell you -- Bloody hell, that's close! Did you say 1483?
0:06:26 > 0:06:29- Yes.- Is that a guess?
0:06:30 > 0:06:33LAUGHTER
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I'm right!
0:06:39 > 0:06:44It was 1478. But five years... That's very close.
0:06:44 > 0:06:49They called and said, "We're coming around in five years," so in '78...
0:06:49 > 0:06:54The Spanish took it upon themselves to have their own inquisition.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57There was a Papal Inquisition, but they wanted their own.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00It was an anti-Semitic piece of legislation.
0:07:00 > 0:07:04They doubted that Jews who had to convert to stay in Spain,
0:07:04 > 0:07:07they doubted that they actually really meant it.
0:07:07 > 0:07:12- It was under these rulers of Spain at that time, Ferdinand and Isabella.- Wow.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15- Yes.- She's a dog. - LAUGHTER
0:07:15 > 0:07:19She wouldn't mind you saying that. She'd take it on the chin.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23The Catholic Church, you won't be surprised to know, still has the Inquisition.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- What?!- It's changed its name.
0:07:25 > 0:07:29In 1908, it changed to the Sacred Congregation of the Holy Office,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32in 1965, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith,
0:07:32 > 0:07:36and the leader, Pope John Paul II, was...
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- Who was in charge of it?- Ratzinger. - It was indeed. Our current Pope.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42He was in charge of the Spanish Inquisition?
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- Not the Spanish. - They're good at changing their name.
0:07:45 > 0:07:50When people talk about the Roman Empire falling, I don't think they did fall.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52- They continued on regardless. - Basically.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54Now then, given the choice,
0:07:54 > 0:07:59what would be the next best thing to having a Nobel Prize-winner in our audience tonight?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02Dennis Leary had a joke about the Peace Prize.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04He said, "I'd kill for one of those."
0:08:05 > 0:08:11That's very good. There is a sort of comic version of the Nobel Peace Prize.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13- It's the Ig Nobel Awards.- Yes!
0:08:13 > 0:08:17The prize is given to people who usually are genuine scientists
0:08:17 > 0:08:21who have conducted research, some of which is just a little bit weird.
0:08:21 > 0:08:26We have on our left a woman who invented an emergency bra
0:08:26 > 0:08:29that can be torn apart and turned into a gas mask.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Two gas masks, obviously!
0:08:32 > 0:08:36On the right is the inventor of the Ig Nobel Prize, Marc Abrahams.
0:08:36 > 0:08:41I'm proud to say that in our audience, we have a winner of the Ig Nobel Prize,
0:08:41 > 0:08:44Professor Chris McManus! Are you there?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47There he is! Whaa-hey!
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- Now... - APPLAUSE
0:08:51 > 0:08:56Professor McManus, they called you in the Press the "Oddball Professor".
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Perhaps you'd like to tell us the reason you won the Ig Nobel Prize.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02I got the prize in 2002
0:09:02 > 0:09:07- for some work that was done half a lifetime earlier in 1976.- Yes?
0:09:07 > 0:09:11And the paper was published in the most prestigious of science journals, Nature,
0:09:11 > 0:09:17and it was called "Scrotal Asymmetry In Man and In Ancient Sculpture".
0:09:17 > 0:09:22So, your work was looking at how male testicles were asymmetrical?
0:09:22 > 0:09:26- Precisely.- I've got an issue. Maybe you could help.
0:09:26 > 0:09:31Perhaps I should examine you afterwards. It's probably easier.
0:09:31 > 0:09:36I think I can explain. One of mine is bigger than the other two.
0:09:40 > 0:09:45Very good. You are actually speaking with purpose, aren't you?
0:09:45 > 0:09:49A higher percentage of men have one ball lower than the other. Tell us which that is.
0:09:49 > 0:09:54Most people have the right one is higher and the left one is lower.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- Right. - And that's the normal way round.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57Wait a minute.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59Ohh!
0:09:59 > 0:10:02- Phill, it's OK...! - LAUGHTER
0:10:06 > 0:10:08I've got two on the left.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- There's nothing on the right at all! - Right!
0:10:11 > 0:10:17But the surprising thing is, in Ancient and indeed Renaissance sculpture,
0:10:17 > 0:10:22- you found... - If you look at Michelangelo's David or any of these great sculptures,
0:10:22 > 0:10:26the right one is higher and the left one is lower and it's bigger.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Which makes sense, if you think about it.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Why does that makes sense?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- You'd expect the heavier one to go lower.- Oh, I see.
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- But it's against - - The trouble is, it ain't that way.
0:10:39 > 0:10:44- When you get home later, you'll find that...- No need, man!
0:10:44 > 0:10:47..the higher one is also the bigger one.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50So the Greeks got it wrong. That was where it got interesting.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54That's odd, because they had bodies. Is it because they used mirrors
0:10:54 > 0:10:59and therefore got it the wrong way round, or was there some other reason?
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Their real problem is that they had a theory,
0:11:02 > 0:11:06- and there's nothing more dangerous than a theory that's wrong.- Yes.
0:11:06 > 0:11:11They didn't know what the testicles were for. It seems strange, but they hadn't quite worked it out.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14JIMMY: Mine are purely decorative. LAUGHTER
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- What was the theory? - Aristotle had this charming theory
0:11:17 > 0:11:21that little boys have tiny testicles and very high voices.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25But as you get bigger and you go into puberty, the testicles get bigger,
0:11:25 > 0:11:29- they pull down and they tension the body and the voice gets deeper.- Oh!
0:11:29 > 0:11:33So they thought they were weights to tension the male body.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36JIMMY: And is that not the case?
0:11:36 > 0:11:40Which is why Barry White never did a marathon.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44Well, Professor McManus, thank you very much indeed.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Congratulations.
0:11:46 > 0:11:50- That is quite interesting. - It is quite interesting.
0:11:50 > 0:11:56Anyway, the next best thing to winning a Nobel Prize is winning an Ig Nobel Prize.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59First they make you laugh and then they make you think.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03You've got a big decision coming up in 40 minutes, imagine, OK?
0:12:03 > 0:12:08What's the best thing you can do now to make ensure you make the right choice?
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- Just make the decision now. - STEPHEN CHUCKLES
0:12:11 > 0:12:15No, it's coming up. You may not know what it is, like Dwight here.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Get into a rage. You make the right choices when angry.
0:12:18 > 0:12:23Very well remembered from a previous edition. One of them is anger.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27Apparently you make better decisions when you're angry. I'm giving you a clue.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30- You're giving me a clue? - Have some water.- Yes.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Lots and lots of water.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34- Drink lots of water... - So that in 40 minutes...
0:12:34 > 0:12:38You'll be in the loo and you won't have to make the decision.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40Bizarrely, no.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44You'd be popping to go to the loo and that's when we make our best decisions.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48- When we need a wee?- Shut up!- Yes. - Shut up!
0:12:48 > 0:12:50It's true, girlfriend!
0:12:50 > 0:12:53APPLAUSE Shut up!
0:12:53 > 0:12:57- Absolutely. - I think I'm definitely going to do Celebrity Mastermind now.
0:12:57 > 0:13:02- You should!- Just 20 bottles of Evian before I go on.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07HE BARKS WORDS
0:13:07 > 0:13:11"Red! Orange! Hitler!
0:13:11 > 0:13:12"I've got to go, John!"
0:13:12 > 0:13:16"Red, orange, Hitler"? I'm trying to think what that would be...
0:13:16 > 0:13:20What is your specialist subject?!
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Painting. JIMMY: Love it!
0:13:23 > 0:13:29Now, what big decision did the driver of the number 78 London bus have to make
0:13:29 > 0:13:31in December 1952?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- "Turn right."- Ooh, yes, Jimmy?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- The Coronation is all I know about '52.- Ah, yes.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- The Queen didn't get the bus, did she?- No, she didn't!
0:13:39 > 0:13:42You might, if you were bus users, know where the 78 goes.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- It's...- It doesn't go my way.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47- Tower Bridge.- Sorry? Where? - Tower Bridge.- It does!
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- He had to jump the bridge. - Brilliant!
0:13:50 > 0:13:53He had to jump the bridge!
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- APPLAUSE - Whoa!
0:13:57 > 0:14:00There was some mistake with the warning sign.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03As he was getting on... Do you know what they call these?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06They're called bascules, for the French for a seesaw.
0:14:06 > 0:14:11And as he was approaching the first one, he was already on it when he saw they were rising.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14He took a split-second decision and accelerated.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16The second one was lower down
0:14:16 > 0:14:20and, three foot in the air, whatever it was, he landed on the second one.
0:14:20 > 0:14:24No-one was injured. And he won, for his bravery, £10.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26LAUGHTER
0:14:26 > 0:14:27And Employee of the Month.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30- I'm sure Employee of the Month. - Maybe Driver of the Week.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32It was very brave. Very brave fellow.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36- You'll want to know his name. - Bob Knievel.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40It was a good bus driver's name. Albert Gunton.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42- Berty Gunton.- Of course it was.
0:14:42 > 0:14:46He should be proud. If his family are watching, I hope you're still proud of him.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48What is that thing about split-second decisions?
0:14:48 > 0:14:52- I don't know. He just made the right one.- He must've needed a wee.
0:14:52 > 0:14:57Making a split decision and coming close to something and...
0:14:57 > 0:14:59It's weird when that happens. There are two odds.
0:14:59 > 0:15:04One is, there may be something small you've seen that you can't remember.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08The other is, you wouldn't be able to tell the story if you'd got it wrong.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- Everybody is alive, by definition - - So, all the anecdotes about
0:15:11 > 0:15:15"I made a split-second decision and it went very badly", they're not here?
0:15:15 > 0:15:18- They're not there to be told! There is that side of it!- Yes...
0:15:18 > 0:15:23- Anyway...- Like the conductor who fell out the back!- Exactly!
0:15:23 > 0:15:26LAUGHTER
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- The one thing we can say - - As he falls into the Thames,
0:15:33 > 0:15:36"Gunton...!"
0:15:36 > 0:15:39One thing we can say with confidence, Boris,
0:15:39 > 0:15:43is that that wouldn't have happened with a bendy bus.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46The brilliant thing with the bendy bus,
0:15:46 > 0:15:50it would go between the two things, and the bridge could play the accordion!
0:15:50 > 0:15:54That's true! It never occurred to me!
0:15:54 > 0:15:57Now, identity parades... Fascinating things.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02As you know, you are a suspect and the police are supposed to get people who look vaguely like you,
0:16:02 > 0:16:06wear the same clothes, and an eyewitness says "number three" or whatever.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10- Nowadays, they use something called VIPER.- Viper?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Video Identification Parade Electronic Recording.
0:16:13 > 0:16:18Because as recently as 1997, South Yorkshire Police had a suspect
0:16:18 > 0:16:20who was six foot three, 16 stone and black.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23They couldn't find anyone of that description,
0:16:23 > 0:16:26so they got a makeup artist to black-up a group of white men,
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- but not including their hands. - GROANING
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Unsurprisingly, the eyewitness chose the genuinely black person.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36These days, they have all kinds of ID parades,
0:16:36 > 0:16:40but the old type is not regarded as reliable.
0:16:40 > 0:16:46There are reasons for that, and we might be able to demonstrate what those reasons are.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50Earlier in the show, you may remember a rascal ran across the set
0:16:50 > 0:16:52and stole some money from my hand.
0:16:52 > 0:16:57- You all saw it happen. - You apprehended him!- Can you pick the culprit from this line-up?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00We've apprehended him and we've got some others
0:17:00 > 0:17:02to see if you can find out who it is.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Here they are. One, two, three and four.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Was it number one, stealing our money?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Was it number two, stealing our hearts? Or is that just me? Er...
0:17:11 > 0:17:14- Was it number three... - LAUGHTER
0:17:14 > 0:17:18Was it number three, stealing himself for a spanking?
0:17:18 > 0:17:23Or was it number four, stealing a format idea from Never Mind The Buzzcocks?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34STEPHEN CHUCKLES
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Steady!
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Very good control from our ID parade.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42So I'll ask each one of you to give me a number.
0:17:42 > 0:17:47You all saw the moment, or at least very briefly, which is how crimes are committed.
0:17:47 > 0:17:51- Phill, one, two, three or four? - Er...
0:17:51 > 0:17:57This isn't fair. Phill's had much more experience in this game. He's built a career on this game.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59He knows which one is in The Kooks.
0:17:59 > 0:18:00I think...
0:18:00 > 0:18:04If you could just stick a bass player in there for me...!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07- It was fleeting, wasn't it?- It was. - Two.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- Number two.- I'm going one. - Two and one.
0:18:10 > 0:18:15- Two.- Two? - It's number one.- Number one. We're split between two and one.
0:18:15 > 0:18:19Those in the audience who think it's number one, raise your hand.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21That's quite a fair number.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25- Who thinks it's number two? - You probably had a better view. - That's quite a lot.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Number three?
0:18:27 > 0:18:30A few of you. And number four? Again, a few of you.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34- Would the real thief please step forward?- Wait a minute!
0:18:34 > 0:18:37There you are! Number two. Well done.
0:18:37 > 0:18:41Well done. Very good. Very good indeed.
0:18:41 > 0:18:46Thank you all for our line-up, including the three innocents.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48APPLAUSE
0:18:48 > 0:18:52It isn't entirely useless having an ID parade.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56- You did very well.- I got it right! - You got it right.
0:18:56 > 0:19:00- You know how I got it right?- How? - I wet my pants.
0:19:00 > 0:19:04- That's it! Exactly! - LAUGHTER
0:19:06 > 0:19:09You're learning! All right.
0:19:09 > 0:19:13It is more difficult than we think, or realise, to pick a suspect from a parade,
0:19:13 > 0:19:15although half our panel did very well.
0:19:15 > 0:19:20And now to the moment when I'm afraid you have no choice at all. Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:19:20 > 0:19:24Remember, we haven't had our "nobody knows" question.
0:19:24 > 0:19:28Who was the first person to go round the world in 80 days?
0:19:28 > 0:19:31"Turn right." Michael Palin.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32KLAXON WAILS
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- Really?- Yes!
0:19:37 > 0:19:40I meant a real person. I'm not counting fictional.
0:19:40 > 0:19:42- In fiction, of course... - Phileas Fogg.- Yes.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44A blue whale.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47The "first person" was very much in the question.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51But it's interesting I said "person". It was a woman.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Amy Johnson? WOMAN SHOUTS FROM AUDIENCE
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Shout that again, in the audience.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- Nellie Bly! - Well done, audience member!
0:19:58 > 0:20:02- Nellie Bly is the right answer! - Nellie Bly?- Yes.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Very impressed indeed.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Nellie Bly is someone we all should've heard of.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15She was possibly the world's first investigative journalist.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18She was a remarkably bold, brave and adventurous woman.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22She worked for The World, which was Joseph Pulitzer's newspaper.
0:20:22 > 0:20:27In 1890, after the astonishing success of Jules Verne's Around The World In Eighty Days,
0:20:27 > 0:20:32Joseph Pulitzer decided that he would try and get someone genuinely to go round the world in 80 days.
0:20:32 > 0:20:37He awarded the role to one of his journalists and Nellie Bly said,
0:20:37 > 0:20:42"If you don't give me the task, I will go to another newspaper."
0:20:42 > 0:20:45And so valued was she, he said, "You've got the job."
0:20:45 > 0:20:49And she did it in 72 days, which is pretty damned impressive.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52In those days, before aeroplanes, obviously,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55getting from one place, all the way round the globe, to another
0:20:55 > 0:20:58in that amount of time was a heck of an achievement.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02- It took a long time to get from Scotland to London in those days. - Quite!
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Can you remember in the book the forms of travel Phileas Fogg used?
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- There were some trains, weren't there?- Trains.- Hot air balloons.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13- Not hot air balloons! - There's a balloon on the screen! - Because of the film.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16In the Michael Todd film with David Niven,
0:21:16 > 0:21:19one always thinks of the balloon, but he doesn't use a balloon.
0:21:19 > 0:21:25Anyway, she did it in 72 days, six hours and 11 minutes from New York to New York.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28She should be remembered for campaigns against bad landlords,
0:21:28 > 0:21:31injustice, injustice to women in prisons
0:21:31 > 0:21:34and, most amazingly, she managed to smuggle herself into an insane asylum
0:21:34 > 0:21:39and wrote an extraordinary report about the unbelievable cruelty dealt to the mentally ill.
0:21:39 > 0:21:45It sounds like she managed to talk her way out of an insane asylum...
0:21:45 > 0:21:49- Good point!- ..with a story about being an investigative journalist. That is genius.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51In both cases, impressive.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56How can you tell which of these chicks is male and which is female?
0:21:56 > 0:21:59This must be... This must be...
0:21:59 > 0:22:02- I'm afraid not! - KLAXON WAILS
0:22:02 > 0:22:04No.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08Had you said that in the 1920s, the answer would've been "nobody knows".
0:22:08 > 0:22:11But in 1929, the Japanese astonished the world
0:22:11 > 0:22:15by revealing that they'd found a way to sex chicks.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17In other words, to determine their gender.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20It sounds... It sounds so wrong, doesn't it?
0:22:20 > 0:22:24- "I know how to sex a chick!" - JIMMY: I can do that!
0:22:24 > 0:22:27It seems impossible with the naked eye to do it
0:22:27 > 0:22:30because you have to wait till they're six weeks old.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33And in the egg-laying industry, that's a heck of a waste,
0:22:33 > 0:22:37because the male chicks are of no use whatsoever to them.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40Gassed on the first day. Enjoy your eggs!
0:22:40 > 0:22:42That's why... Good point!
0:22:42 > 0:22:45In 1927, at the World Poultry Congress in Ottawa,
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- this was announced -- The what?! - The World Poultry Congress.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50That's a lot of chickens.
0:22:50 > 0:22:53"Will the representative of Albania make himself known?"
0:22:53 > 0:22:56"Albanian chicken!" CLUCKING
0:22:56 > 0:22:59It's one of the biggest businesses in the world.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02The most popular bird we eat, then we eat their eggs.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04And so there are World Poultry Congresses!
0:23:04 > 0:23:09We've all done corporate gigs. I imagine I did 20 minutes at the end.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12I once did Phillips Small Appliances. Sounds mad.
0:23:12 > 0:23:17- That poor boy!- It was a long time... - LAUGHTER
0:23:17 > 0:23:20- It was a long time ago - - Leave his appliances alone!
0:23:20 > 0:23:25- It was a long time ago - - Which is why I won't have him in the house any more!
0:23:25 > 0:23:29- How do you sex a chicken? - It's very complex, that's the point.
0:23:29 > 0:23:33And it's highly... No, we do know. It's highly paid.
0:23:33 > 0:23:38The discovery lowered the price of eggs worldwide overnight.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40That's how important it was.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43The Zen-Nippon Chick Sexing School was founded.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:23:45 > 0:23:50I know you're laughing, but it's true! It's true!
0:23:50 > 0:23:53You're looking at a graduate.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56And they taught their sexers in such a rigorous way
0:23:56 > 0:24:00that only five to ten percent of applicants received accreditation.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03When you passed, you were paid huge sums of money.
0:24:03 > 0:24:08- You are chick master! - Yes. Hundreds of dollars a day. It was a really big business.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12- It still is!- "Boy..." "How do you know?" "I know."
0:24:12 > 0:24:16- "You don't know. You pay." - LAUGHTER
0:24:16 > 0:24:20The best in the business can sex around 1,200 chicks an hour
0:24:20 > 0:24:23and there are some talented ones who can have one in each hand...
0:24:23 > 0:24:26"Boy, boy, girl, girl, boy, boy, boy, girl,
0:24:26 > 0:24:32girl, girl, boy, boy. Boy, girl, boy, girl. Boyyyy."
0:24:32 > 0:24:35- The point is... - LAUGHTER
0:24:35 > 0:24:40The point is, you go like that, and pop them in bins. Girl bin, boy bin.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42And you can do 1,200.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46- Is it to do with the weight? - No. They do a slight squeeze -
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- "A girl!"- You won't like this.
0:24:49 > 0:24:54- They do a slight squeeze - - And if they go, "Oww!" it's a girl.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55And if they go...
0:24:55 > 0:25:00- That's naughty!- If they go, "Steady on, mate..."- It's a boy!
0:25:00 > 0:25:04They have a cloaca tract, which is their reproductive and excretory tract,
0:25:04 > 0:25:09and there is a slight difference in the ridges and bumps, the innies and outies.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14So you do a slight squeeze. If it's too big, you throttle them, or the outie becomes an innie.
0:25:14 > 0:25:18It's a real skill. It's something I vaguely knew about growing up in Norfolk,
0:25:18 > 0:25:24because in Norfolk there is a community of Vietnamese turkey sexers, who live...
0:25:24 > 0:25:26I know it sounds mad!
0:25:26 > 0:25:28I can never watch Platoon again!
0:25:28 > 0:25:31You've ruined Apocalypse Now for me.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34- I'm sorry about that. - "What sex is chicken?!
0:25:34 > 0:25:37- "You tell me now!"- This is...
0:25:37 > 0:25:41- JIMMY LAUGHS - I know it sounds bonkers.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45They live in tunnels under the fence!
0:25:45 > 0:25:51- Not in the fence, it's in Norfolk, he said defensively. - I beg your pardon.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53- Tell me they work for Bernard, please!- Of course!
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Bernard Matthews is the largest employer.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00"Mr Matthew, this one bootiful!" LAUGHTER
0:26:00 > 0:26:03APPLAUSE
0:26:05 > 0:26:08All right. Chicken sexing is a fine art these days.
0:26:08 > 0:26:14The sun rises roughly in the east, as we know, and sets in the west. But what does the moon do?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- What direction does the moon - - Which moon are we talking about?
0:26:17 > 0:26:20KLAXON WAILS
0:26:21 > 0:26:24- This show is getting tough.- Whoa!
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Wow!
0:26:26 > 0:26:29- It goes the other way. - The opposite direction?- Yes.
0:26:29 > 0:26:34- Actually... That isn't true, either. - KLAXON WAILS
0:26:34 > 0:26:37- No, it's the same.- It's the same.
0:26:37 > 0:26:42- "Are you sure?"- The same. - Correct! Well done!
0:26:42 > 0:26:45The moon rises in the east and sets in the west.
0:26:45 > 0:26:50Lastly, how many different species of mussel can you see here?
0:26:50 > 0:26:54- Is this it?- Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh! There you go.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- "Nobody knows." - Jimmy got there first!
0:26:57 > 0:27:01- I just found it quicker than Phill. - It had to be!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03- Well done.- It's the last one.
0:27:03 > 0:27:07- It's almost impossible to identify - - Even themselves.- Yes.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- Impossible to do or impossible to care?- Well...!
0:27:10 > 0:27:16Do you think they just go, "Shall we just boil these and eat them? Time's a-wasting."
0:27:16 > 0:27:19We used to think, by size and appearance, you could tell.
0:27:19 > 0:27:24We now find the genome tells us. Species we thought were different we've discovered are the same.
0:27:24 > 0:27:28And conversely, species we thought were the same are different.
0:27:28 > 0:27:33But the time has finally come to act decisively and declare tonight's winner.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36It's very exciting. Yes, indeed.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Let's... Well, let's start at the top.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42With a fantastic result,
0:27:42 > 0:27:45our winner with a clear plus-10 points is Phill Jupitus!
0:27:45 > 0:27:48APPLAUSE
0:27:48 > 0:27:51I don't know how that happened. I never know how that happens.
0:27:51 > 0:27:58In a rather surprising second place, with four points, it's the audience!
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Congratulations!
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Very impressive!
0:28:05 > 0:28:09That puts Jimmy, who would otherwise have come second,
0:28:09 > 0:28:12- in third place with minus one. - APPLAUSE
0:28:16 > 0:28:20And in fourth place with minus two, Rich Hall!
0:28:20 > 0:28:21APPLAUSE
0:28:21 > 0:28:26But, erm, it still doesn't stop Alan from coming last, I fear,
0:28:26 > 0:28:29- with minus 14! - APPLAUSE
0:28:29 > 0:28:32END-OF-SHOW JINGLE
0:28:34 > 0:28:37So, thanks to Rich, Jimmy, Phill and Alan.
0:28:37 > 0:28:43I leave you with this tail of choice in Soviet Russia from comedian Yakov Smirnoff.
0:28:43 > 0:28:47"In Russia, we had only two channels. Channel One was propaganda.
0:28:47 > 0:28:51"Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you,
0:28:51 > 0:28:53"'Turn back at once to Channel One.'"
0:28:53 > 0:28:57- Thank you and goodnight. - CHEERING
0:28:58 > 0:29:02Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:02 > 0:29:06E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk