0:00:23 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:30Well!
0:00:30 > 0:00:35Goooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.
0:00:35 > 0:00:41And welcome to QI for a show that's all about insects and other invertebrates.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Let me introduce our completely spineless panel.
0:00:44 > 0:00:48- Busy as a bee, Jimmy Carr. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:54- Snug as a bug, Sarah Millican. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:01:01- Knee-high to a grasshopper, Johnny Vegas. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:09- And banging his head fruitlessly against a window, Alan Davies. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:11 > 0:01:16So before we begin, we should hear your buzzes. Jimmy goes...
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- FLY BUZZING - Ooh, it's annoying.
0:01:19 > 0:01:23- Sarah goes... - CRICKETS CHIRP Aw!
0:01:23 > 0:01:29- Johnny goes... - MOSQUITO BUZZES / LAUGHTER
0:01:29 > 0:01:32- And Alan goes... - MOSQUITO BUZZES
0:01:32 > 0:01:34SPLATTING
0:01:34 > 0:01:40Now, don't forget, there are some questions to which nobody knows the answer.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- FANFARE - 'Nobody knows!'
0:01:43 > 0:01:48If you play your joker to a question to which nobody knows the answer you get extra points.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51- If you use it at the wrong time, you look like a bit of a tit. - LAUGHTER
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- So, to question one.- Right.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- LAUGHTER - What's the point?
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- LAUGHTER - Aw!
0:02:00 > 0:02:03What do bees do better than dogs?
0:02:03 > 0:02:06- BUZZER - Yes, Jimmy.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Make honey. LAUGHTER
0:02:08 > 0:02:11That's probably true, I have to say.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15Probably true! You're giving me probably on making honey.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18OK, if that's the way you want to play it.
0:02:18 > 0:02:24- I'll give you that one.- Thank you very much. I'm already in the lead. LAUGHTER
0:02:24 > 0:02:29They're better at sneaking up on you than dogs are. You'd never know if a bee had sniffed your crotch.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- LAUGHTER - Well, you might not.
0:02:32 > 0:02:37- There'd be a buzzing noise. But oddly enough, you used the word there...- Is it crotch?
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- LAUGHTER - No.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- Sniffing? - Sniffing. We use dogs to sniff,
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- to sniff in customs and for security...- Sniffer bees!
0:02:46 > 0:02:49..for explosives and drugs.
0:02:49 > 0:02:53It takes a dog about three months at least to be trained
0:02:53 > 0:02:56to be a sniffer dog. It takes a bee ten minutes.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00All you have to do is put it in a box,
0:03:00 > 0:03:05add the smell and some sugar simultaneously, do that a few times,
0:03:05 > 0:03:11and it will instantly associate that smell with sugar and a reward and next time it comes across the smell,
0:03:11 > 0:03:16its proboscis will come out and if you set it all up right, it will cause an alarm.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20- So why aren't we in airports killing bees, then?- It's beginning to happen.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23Unless drug dealers have an allergy to stings,
0:03:23 > 0:03:27I can't see them being pinned up against the wall by a policeman...
0:03:27 > 0:03:32- LAUGHTER - ..with a bee on a bit of kite twine.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36There's a company called Inscentinel which has developed this
0:03:36 > 0:03:40and it is beginning to be used by the military and airports and various others.
0:03:40 > 0:03:44You pop a bee in a little box and you train it.
0:03:44 > 0:03:48- That's not a little box, that's like the worst rucksack ever invented. - LAUGHTER
0:03:48 > 0:03:53What if they like savoury stuff? What if the haven't got much of a sweet tooth?
0:03:53 > 0:03:57The great thing about bees is they only like sugar.
0:03:57 > 0:04:02There may be a rogue bee that likes meat or salami, and that would be useless.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06- Pasties?- Pasties.- He wouldn't be able to do that as a job.- A Cornish bee.
0:04:06 > 0:04:11- LAUGHTER - You shove a few in a box
0:04:11 > 0:04:14and then waft them near the thing you want them to check, there it is.
0:04:14 > 0:04:20That's not a bad idea cos that's the old joke about the best way to smuggle drugs being in a dog's bum.
0:04:20 > 0:04:25Because when the sniffer dogs come through... LAUGHTER
0:04:25 > 0:04:30..as soon as the dog sniffs, you just go, "Come here, you! Naughty little thing."
0:04:30 > 0:04:34- But with bees, how much could you get in a bee's bum? Very little. - Very little.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36My dad once punched a bee.
0:04:36 > 0:04:42- Punched a bee? - Yeah, it went for him, and it was huge, so he just punched it.
0:04:42 > 0:04:47He said it was like a velvet tennis ball. LAUGHTER
0:04:47 > 0:04:50A rather beautiful phrase, velvet tennis balls of the sky.
0:04:50 > 0:04:54I like that he was thinking of such poetic things when he was punching a bee.
0:04:54 > 0:04:59- Bees are valuable and they are in trouble. There seems to be... - That one was.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- LAUGHTER - I'm going to offer you a reward.
0:05:02 > 0:05:07I've got a plate here of insect-related foods, Sarah,
0:05:07 > 0:05:11and you can choose your reward. This is a lolly which has got ants in it.
0:05:11 > 0:05:15This is a scorpion brittle, like a peanut brittle, only with a scorpion in it.
0:05:15 > 0:05:20I don't know if you can see it. Or just some dried bugs here. Would you like one of those?
0:05:20 > 0:05:23And where is the treat part? LAUGHTER
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- Chocolate ant, would you like a chocolate ant?- I'll suck it.
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- Would you?- No. LAUGHTER
0:05:29 > 0:05:34- Are you going to risk any of these? - Erm, I'll have a look at them. - If I had a chocolate ant, would you?
0:05:34 > 0:05:40- Er, I'll let you go first.- I've eaten it. There it is.- I'm not really bothered, to be honest with you.- Ah!
0:05:40 > 0:05:44- LAUGHTER - You made me eat it! - APPLAUSE
0:05:46 > 0:05:52- Well, I want more bravery, because these are treats. - I don't even eat brown bread.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Don't give things like that to us.
0:05:54 > 0:06:00- You think of brown bread as being some sort of strange life form that's...- Well, it's unnecessary.
0:06:00 > 0:06:05- LAUGHTER - If that's a new range of pick 'n' mix, no wonder Woolies went under.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09- LAUGHTER - It may well be the world is going to turn towards this kind of food
0:06:09 > 0:06:15because 2.5 billion of the world's population already regularly eat insects.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Is that just by mistake when you're on a bike? LAUGHTER
0:06:18 > 0:06:23These are treats and it may well be that it will solve the problem.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26By the year 2030, they reckon there will be
0:06:26 > 0:06:29such a shortage of protein on the planet
0:06:29 > 0:06:34that there will be a genuine problem of starvation. There's already a problem with starvation
0:06:34 > 0:06:37but it will multiply enormously as the population increases.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40And insects and other invertebrates may be the answer.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44- Spider is genius. Like chicken legs but they have loads of them.- Yes!
0:06:44 > 0:06:49What do you think are the advantages of eating and breeding insects for food?
0:06:49 > 0:06:53- You get to pretend to be a giant. - LAUGHTER
0:06:53 > 0:06:56A giant of commerce.
0:06:56 > 0:07:01And you can train them all to come and exercise in front of you and get them to build tiny cars.
0:07:01 > 0:07:06- LAUGHTER - Well, there is that.- And I'll say, "Call me Johnny Nissan!"
0:07:06 > 0:07:12- LAUGHTER - In the wild, when they lay eggs, they lay billions.- That's right.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16Only a few of them survive. But if you've got them, you can have all billion of them.
0:07:16 > 0:07:20Yeah, exactly. And they need far less feed than cattle.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23They produce far less noxious gas than cattle.
0:07:23 > 0:07:30- But how would you contain the insect equivalent of foot-and-mouth? - LAUGHTER
0:07:30 > 0:07:35- That would be a problem. - "Have you been near a fly?" "Yes." "Leave the airport."
0:07:35 > 0:07:40If you're trying to get this as an idea, this could solve starvation,
0:07:40 > 0:07:45could you maybe pick a picture of a guy that looks less nuts? LAUGHTER
0:07:45 > 0:07:49If you're trying to market it, if he's meant to be Captain Birdseye of the insect world,
0:07:49 > 0:07:53he couldn't look any creepier. LAUGHTER
0:07:53 > 0:07:57- "They're good for you." - HE MOANS
0:07:57 > 0:08:01"My vocal chords are swelling up."
0:08:01 > 0:08:06- There is no reason not to eat them. - "I expect you to die, Mr Bond." - LAUGHTER
0:08:06 > 0:08:13- Sorry.- Shrimp is essentially the same thing. It's just in the sea. That one is on land.- Exactly.
0:08:13 > 0:08:18- They are delicious.- We eat shrimp if there's a special on at Iceland. - LAUGHTER
0:08:18 > 0:08:22- STEPHEN COUGHS - Excuse me.- Take a moment.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- It may be that ant.- It's the ant! - LAUGHTER
0:08:29 > 0:08:34Oh, no, they're delicious, they could solve the problems of starvation by killing us all.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37- LAUGHTER - I have got a problem in my throat.
0:08:37 > 0:08:43Look at that man looming over you going, "At last, I got you, Fry."
0:08:43 > 0:08:48- Maybe that was a mistake. - There's one brave ant. "We're going to cover you in chocolate,
0:08:48 > 0:08:53"we'll put you in front of Stephen Fry, you're going to go down there and sort things out."
0:08:53 > 0:08:57- "Once you're inside, release it." - I've eaten those.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00They've got a terrible bitter aftertaste, the smoked insects,
0:09:00 > 0:09:04the little ants. I had them at Bug World in Liverpool.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07Were you supposed to eat them? Cos isn't that like a zoo?
0:09:07 > 0:09:12Is it shut now because you ate everything? LAUGHTER
0:09:12 > 0:09:17- That giant snail was a mistake. - LAUGHTER - It looked like a burger.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25- Oh!- You're offered a bit at the end. But then you're not meant to go back on a frenzy and break the others.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28Just with a different hat on every time.
0:09:28 > 0:09:34I like a zoo where there's a buffet on the way out. Panda burger anyone? LAUGHTER
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Go to the Natural History Museum just lifting the cases.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41LAUGHTER
0:09:43 > 0:09:48I've also got acid reflux, I have to say. One little ant.
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Here am I supposed to be advertising it as the future of humanity,
0:09:52 > 0:09:56- and I have to say, I feel like shit at the moment. - LAUGHTER
0:09:56 > 0:10:01- That has not gone down well. - APPLAUSE
0:10:01 > 0:10:06The meat marketing board are watching this at the moment going, "Die! Die!"
0:10:06 > 0:10:11- LAUGHTER - Talking of bees and dogs,
0:10:11 > 0:10:16do you know the premier site on the internet for dogs that are dressed as bees?
0:10:16 > 0:10:21LAUGHTER The best one? My favourite or the most popular one?
0:10:21 > 0:10:25LAUGHTER It's beedogs.com.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29Can you imagine a bee flying back and going, "I've found the queen!"
0:10:29 > 0:10:33- LAUGHTER - "I've found the mother of all queens!"
0:10:33 > 0:10:37I've still got a little scaly something in the back of my throat.
0:10:37 > 0:10:42- Have a bit of scorpion brittle to take it away. - Take the edge off, yeah.
0:10:42 > 0:10:47I was so looking forward to being brave and butch and taking this insect.
0:10:47 > 0:10:52Revolting! There it is. Oh, a little wing casing or something.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- AUDIENCE: Ohhh!- Very unpleasant.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58What's the best way to charm a worm?
0:10:59 > 0:11:03There's a worm. How would you charm a worm?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06You tap, don't you? Because when it rains, they come up.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Birds do that when they jump up and down, they make a noise like rain and they come up.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14Yes, actually, what they think is that there is a mole nearby.
0:11:14 > 0:11:19And the earthworm's way of escaping is to come to the surface, because moles don't come up.
0:11:19 > 0:11:25- Are they not friends? I imagine they would be friends. - No, Moley and Wormy, not friends.
0:11:25 > 0:11:31- Moley eaty Wormy.- I'm going to stop you there, because in my mind, they are quite good friends.- Aww.
0:11:31 > 0:11:35They live underground and they have a terrific old time.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Could you charm a worm with a tiny flute?
0:11:37 > 0:11:42Well, it's good you should say this because worm charming is a big, I won't say industry,
0:11:42 > 0:11:47but it is a big pastime, both in America and in this country. There is the commercial side of it.
0:11:47 > 0:11:53- Erm, because...- Oh, for God's sake! - I know. - LAUGHTER
0:11:53 > 0:11:57- I know you've got your "get a life" look on. - LAUGHTER
0:11:58 > 0:12:02- And I do know what you mean, but... - I really have.
0:12:02 > 0:12:06There's nothing that discernable, is there? When you go, "Hi, you've got lovely..."
0:12:06 > 0:12:11- Oh, you mean charming them in that sense.- No eyes.- They have a little saddle, that can be attractive.
0:12:11 > 0:12:16- But that's that myth, that that's where they've been cut in half. - Oh, I see, and re-grown. Yes.
0:12:16 > 0:12:22- Something happened between... - You can chop them in half. You can do it with any animal.- Yeah, but they...
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- LAUGHTER - They don't join back together.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29No, they can't. It's a myth. But in America they call it grunting, worm charming,
0:12:29 > 0:12:33and it's reasonably big business because Americans love to fish,
0:12:33 > 0:12:37and obviously bait shops need worms as well as maggots as...
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- The girl in the foreground is tapping the ground with flip-flops. - She is.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44- She's got flip-flops on so she's taken extra flip-flops. - LAUGHTER
0:12:44 > 0:12:50- She's only done it to annoy you. - It looks like a car boot sale where everyone forgot the cars.
0:12:50 > 0:12:54- LAUGHTER - They've been Photoshopped out of the picture.
0:12:54 > 0:12:58- APPLAUSE - It does rather, doesn't it?
0:12:58 > 0:13:02- What it is, in Britain, the sport, if I can call it that... - You may not!
0:13:02 > 0:13:05..involves dozens of competitors. Oh, my God!
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- Is that a worm on her T-shirt? - She has a worm on her shirt!
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- I don't know if that's a worm. I don't think we should look at that. - Oh, dear.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16- You have to lure as many worms... - Ken Dodd on the right. - ..as you can in 30 minutes.
0:13:16 > 0:13:21- With a recorder?- Well, with anything you choose. You can just tap...
0:13:21 > 0:13:25And why the time constraint, is that because you're out on day release?
0:13:25 > 0:13:29- LAUGHTER - Possibly. The low-point was in Woodhall.
0:13:29 > 0:13:35The Woodhall worm charming festival in Lincolnshire, none of the entrants in August 2010
0:13:35 > 0:13:41- managed to lure a single worm. - This is the worm-charming festival, isn't it?
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Were those people inside at the time, were they in a building?
0:13:45 > 0:13:49Yeah, it was raining, they had to do it in the church hall.
0:13:49 > 0:13:55- LAUGHTER - That would explain it. - I'm getting nothing.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57LAUGHTER
0:13:57 > 0:14:02How do they decide the winner if nobody actually lured any worms?
0:14:02 > 0:14:07Well, a spokesman said they were all winners because they raised more than £200
0:14:07 > 0:14:12for the Woodhall Spa Twinning Association. I don't know who Woodhall is twinned with.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16I don't think it's twinned with anywhere. I think they had a suicide pact.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20- LAUGHTER - Why has she got string on her fork? What's going on with these people?
0:14:20 > 0:14:26That's her fork, like when you're at the airport, with your case going round, you put a ribbon on.
0:14:26 > 0:14:31- At least when you go trainspotting, there are trains. - LAUGHTER
0:14:31 > 0:14:35That's the best thing. The trainspotters are stood on the hill going, "Losers!"
0:14:35 > 0:14:39- LAUGHTER - "Get a life!"
0:14:39 > 0:14:41APPLAUSE
0:14:41 > 0:14:47- Oh, dear. It's true.- "Keep digging, Cynthia, they're only jealous." - LAUGHTER
0:14:47 > 0:14:53Well, the fact is, yes, you can vibrate worms to the surface by pretending to be a mole.
0:14:53 > 0:14:58Now, how did the thing with the amazing eyes escape from the tank?
0:14:58 > 0:15:03Look at that. It's known as a mantis shrimp, although it isn't a true shrimp.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07- It's a crustacean. - It doesn't sound like anything. - It looks amazing, doesn't it?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Are those the eyes on the top?
0:15:10 > 0:15:14The top bits are the eyes, which are extraordinary because they're divided into three.
0:15:14 > 0:15:19- So they have three types of vision in each eye. Look at it. - Like bifocals?- Yes, they are.
0:15:19 > 0:15:25They've got two of these eyes, but even more than that, they have power that is almost beyond belief.
0:15:25 > 0:15:30- They can cut through glass. - Hang on, this is sounding like Saturday morning kids' TV.
0:15:30 > 0:15:36- Power beyond belief.- They do! It's extraordinary...- Is it the power of prayer, Stephen? Do they pray...
0:15:36 > 0:15:41LAUGHTER Do they pray to get out of the tank to the little baby Jesus?
0:15:41 > 0:15:44They're mantis shrimps, but not praying mantis shrimps.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47Nice though, come on! LAUGHTER
0:15:47 > 0:15:54They can accelerate, they can accelerate through the water at 10,000 times the force of gravity,
0:15:54 > 0:15:59which causes the water in front of them to boil. I know it sounds mad.
0:15:59 > 0:16:05- That's how extraordinary they are. - It seems like a disadvantage cos when you stop, you're in boiling water.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10LAUGHTER "I seem to have cooked myself." So they cook themselves?
0:16:10 > 0:16:12They have this amazing power.
0:16:12 > 0:16:17They have been known to break out of aquarium glass with one strike of their claw.
0:16:17 > 0:16:22- They can actually break the glass and get out of their aquariums. - Have we got footage of this?
0:16:22 > 0:16:26- I can show you one punching its prey.- It had better have a "Kapow!"
0:16:26 > 0:16:30That's it on the left there. And this is obviously massively slowed down.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33- And there it... Bang!- Ooh.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35And that was a really... There you go...
0:16:38 > 0:16:43- That is insect domestic violence. - LAUGHTER
0:16:43 > 0:16:46It really is. They're very powerful creatures.
0:16:46 > 0:16:51They have three sections of each eye. They can see ultra-violet, infrared, polarised,
0:16:51 > 0:16:54and are the only creature on earth that can see circularly-polarised light.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58- Does that mean they can watch Avatar without the glasses?- Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:16:58 > 0:17:03That's exactly what it means, basically. They're very remarkable creatures.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- Where do they live?- Vietnam, that's where you find them.
0:17:06 > 0:17:12- Would you like to see a shrimp on a running machine?- More than you know! LAUGHTER
0:17:12 > 0:17:16- Take a look at this. - It's the Iceland research facility.
0:17:16 > 0:17:19LAUGHTER
0:17:19 > 0:17:25- Aw! How good's that? - It's very good, isn't it?- They've not got it with a stop button.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30No, I know, it doesn't have control. Do you know, they can go three hours before they get exhausted?
0:17:30 > 0:17:32What has he got on the iPod?
0:17:32 > 0:17:36- Yeah. - He does look much slimmer than he did at the beginning of the footage.
0:17:36 > 0:17:42There are various excuses that scientists have given for why they're doing that to them.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46Was it mainly boredom? LAUGHTER
0:17:46 > 0:17:50Are they doing any research into Marie Rose sauce? LAUGHTER
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Because you need the two together, in a wine glass.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57It's like shrimp horse-jumping. When the white line comes round, it jumps.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- Oh, does it? Oh, yes! - LAUGHTER
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- Oh!- Whey! - LAUGHTER
0:18:02 > 0:18:06- And he's coming up here now on the third turn. - LAUGHTER
0:18:06 > 0:18:09And he's looking strong. He's not looking bad.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12- He's lost his jockey but he's still in the race. - LAUGHTER
0:18:12 > 0:18:17The man responsible is called Professor David Scholnick of Pacific University in Oregon.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20- He gives his name out?- Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:18:20 > 0:18:25He said, "These studies will give us a better idea of how marine animals can perform in their native habitat
0:18:25 > 0:18:30"when faced with increasing pathogens and immunological challenges". How I've no idea.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34- We have to take his word for it. - I'm waiting to see a crab with some dumbbells.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38LAUGHTER It is strange, when you look at that,
0:18:38 > 0:18:42because the shrimp is an insect, but we quite happily eat that.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- Pick the legs off it, take the head off.- I know. And lobsters and things.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48As you say, we'll happily eat them as a treat.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52- But these... Oh, God. - LAUGHTER
0:18:52 > 0:18:56It's not done me any favours. And I felt so confident.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- I was going to have the scorpion, as well, but I'm not now. - LAUGHTER
0:18:59 > 0:19:05- I'll have the scorpion.- Would you like the scorpion?- I'll have it. - Oh, my dear fellow. There you are.
0:19:05 > 0:19:10- You mean you're going to take it... - I've had those. The aftertaste is just horrendous.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12It's there for hours. But I'll have that.
0:19:12 > 0:19:16- Yeah? Are you going to eat it now in front of us?- If I put it all in my mouth, it might...
0:19:16 > 0:19:19- I'll break it in half.- Good idea.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23- Make it manageable.- Yep. - # Half the poison, half the fun
0:19:23 > 0:19:26LAUGHTER
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- Ready?- God, it...
0:19:29 > 0:19:31LAUGHTER
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- APPLAUSE - That's God telling me something, isn't it?
0:19:35 > 0:19:41- Wow, that is one tough...- I think the scorpion might be alive. I think it might be like Han Solo.- Hey!
0:19:41 > 0:19:46- Not any more, it's not. - Erm... Tail end or front?
0:19:46 > 0:19:49I would go for the front. The tail end might have a sting in it.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- Always ask a lady.- Hey!
0:19:52 > 0:19:56- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Ohh!
0:19:56 > 0:19:58James Carr!
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Well, you could hardly break the thing, so...
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- LAUGHTER - Come back in nine hours.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10LAUGHTER
0:20:10 > 0:20:14- I can't feel my toes.- Oh, dear. - LAUGHTER
0:20:14 > 0:20:17It's like hemlock. It just works all the way up.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19It's like bonfire night with death.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23- LAUGHTER - Go on, Sarah, you know you want to.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- You've got to be joking. - Have a lick anyway.
0:20:26 > 0:20:31- Is this what you had, the chocolate ant?- Sarah, just think, what if we all develop superpowers as a result?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- LAUGHTER - Ohh!
0:20:34 > 0:20:36- LAUGHTER - Ohhh...
0:20:36 > 0:20:39- Alan had the ant. - How could you eat that?
0:20:39 > 0:20:45- He has the power! - You saw what it did to me. - He has the power of nausea!
0:20:45 > 0:20:49- LAUGHTER Ohh!- That is absolutely repellent.
0:20:49 > 0:20:53- As soon as you break the chocolate, if whiffs.- I know, it's not nice.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57Something's happening. Something's happening!
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- LAUGHTER - Whey!
0:21:00 > 0:21:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- Oh, my word! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- Something...- Power of the scorpion!
0:21:11 > 0:21:18LAUGHTER Can I ask, are scorpions known for forward rolls?
0:21:18 > 0:21:23- LAUGHTER - Definitely.- Oh, yes, Sarah, you're showing your ignorance there.
0:21:23 > 0:21:28- LAUGHTER - I've tried a scorpion and I've tried an ant.- Well done.- And that's it.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- All right.- That's like the start of a really bad musical.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35BOTH: # I tried a scorpion, I tried an ant
0:21:35 > 0:21:38- # And that's it - LAUGHTER
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- # Try a bug, try a bug, no - LAUGHTER
0:21:41 > 0:21:46- I mean... - # Now I'm an insect sycophant - LAUGHTER
0:21:46 > 0:21:51- Have you had anything, Sarah? - No.- You should try an ant. - I think you should have an ant.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55- Well, you're not me mam, so... - LAUGHTER
0:21:55 > 0:21:58APPLAUSE
0:21:58 > 0:22:02My mam said you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to.
0:22:02 > 0:22:06- LAUGHTER - That was my sex chat.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08- That was your sex chat?- Yeah.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11LAUGHTER
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- She didn't mention your vagina, then? Just your mouth. - LAUGHTER
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- Well... - LAUGHTER
0:22:17 > 0:22:21- Oh, no! - LAUGHTER
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- I don't know what came over me. - APPLAUSE
0:22:24 > 0:22:27- This is my first time on the show! - I know.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Don't make me put a scorpion up me nunny.
0:22:30 > 0:22:35LAUGHTER Sarah, if you would just entertain...
0:22:35 > 0:22:37I'm not saying now, I'm not saying now,
0:22:37 > 0:22:41but if you did five minutes before an gynaecological appointment
0:22:41 > 0:22:44and you went, "I've got a bit of an itch..."
0:22:44 > 0:22:48- LAUGHTER - You would be the subject of a medical paper
0:22:48 > 0:22:50that would be published around the world!
0:22:50 > 0:22:53- Wow. Fame. - You would be the miracle woman.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57- Anyway...- That shrimp is now looking like it's going, "Hurry up". - LAUGHTER
0:22:57 > 0:23:02- "Is there another round? Cos I don't think I've got another jump in me." - LAUGHTER
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Apparently it'll take him three hours to get exhausted.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09And so to the inevitable backbone of QI, General Ignorance.
0:23:09 > 0:23:14Fingers on buzzers if you please. Name a vertebrate with no backbone.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Nick Clegg. LAUGHTER
0:23:17 > 0:23:21- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Whey!
0:23:24 > 0:23:26A popular answer.
0:23:26 > 0:23:31- Er...- A vertebrate without a backbone?- It seems an impossibility.
0:23:31 > 0:23:37- But there is something that is classified as a vertebrate that has no backbone.- Worms?- No, a big...
0:23:37 > 0:23:41- Like a whale or something? - Well, it's not a mammal. It is a fish, though. Big fish.
0:23:41 > 0:23:47- Eel.- Dolphin?- Er, a dolphin isn't really a fish, to be honest.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- LAUGHTER Well, it looks like one. - It looks like one, I agree.
0:23:50 > 0:23:55- Stingray.- Well, stingrays and mantas don't have them, but it's the shark.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Sharks are classified as vertebrates.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00They neither have ribcages nor do they have backbones.
0:24:00 > 0:24:05They have things that look very like a backbone, but they're half the weight of bone,
0:24:05 > 0:24:10they're cartilaginous matter with connective tissue. You can see a cross-section.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13- He doesn't look very happy. - No. It's a very cross section.
0:24:13 > 0:24:20LAUGHTER You see the thing behind his eye going all the way back to his tail,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23along his back that looks like a bone? LAUGHTER
0:24:23 > 0:24:30- Yes.- I'm just saying... - I know. It's not actual bone, though. It's cartilaginous matter.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Cartilage, as we would say in England.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37- LAUGHTER - That's all I have to say on that subject. So, there we are.- Fine.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- Let that be an end to it!- Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:24:40 > 0:24:45What's the strongest creature for its weight in the world?
0:24:45 > 0:24:49- Is it Johnny? LAUGHTER - Geoff Capes.- Geoff Capes?
0:24:49 > 0:24:53There is a stronger man than Geoff Capes in the world at the moment.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57- Zydrunas Savickas, who can...- Can he pull a lorry along with his teeth?
0:24:57 > 0:25:03A 70-tonne plane. But that's only 411 times his own weight and it has to have wheels.
0:25:03 > 0:25:07This creature can pull a force equal to 100,000 times its body weight.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10When I say creature, I mean, it is a living thing,
0:25:10 > 0:25:14- but it's not even an insect, it's tinier.- Our old friend bacteria.
0:25:14 > 0:25:19It's a bacterium. It's a bug in that sense. And it's not one you want to catch.
0:25:19 > 0:25:24It's one that would be most unwelcome in the trouser department.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28- Crab.- No, no, no, it's an actual bacterium, not an insect.
0:25:28 > 0:25:34- Gonorrhoea.- Gonorrhoea is the right answer.- The strongest thing in the world?- Yep, the gonorrhoea...
0:25:34 > 0:25:36- It pulls down your pants and... - LAUGHTER
0:25:36 > 0:25:41- Oh, that's your excuse for catching it.- Seriously, love, I didn't stand a chance.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45Stripped me bare! Do you know how strong they are?
0:25:45 > 0:25:49They have these bundles of long, thin, contractile filaments called pilis...
0:25:49 > 0:25:53- Why is all that toast on screen? - They use these to crawl
0:25:53 > 0:25:57and they can pull along 100,000 times their weight, which is a very small weight.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Do you know what the cure for gonorrhoea used to be?
0:25:59 > 0:26:04- Er...- Yeah. They'd put a sort of umbrella up the urethra,
0:26:04 > 0:26:08press a button to open the umbrella inside the shaft and then pull out...
0:26:08 > 0:26:12- We've heard it all. We don't need to hear it. - I'd like to hear it. Tell us again.
0:26:12 > 0:26:17- LAUGHTER - If you had a particularly unsympathetic doctor,
0:26:17 > 0:26:20he'd then jump around the room going # I'm singing in the rain
0:26:20 > 0:26:23- LAUGHTER - Yes.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26And he'd splash in your own tears.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30LAUGHTER They then cover it in chocolate and sell it as ants.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34- LAUGHTER - Oh, dear me. Yeah.
0:26:34 > 0:26:41That's enough of gonorrhoea, I feel. Now, why are moths attracted to light?
0:26:42 > 0:26:46- FANFARE - 'Nobody knows!'- Oh, Alan! Well done!
0:26:46 > 0:26:50- You're good at this. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:52 > 0:26:59- Very good! - Well, I just feel that it would've come up, someone would've told me.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Yes, you're right. There are various theories.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05One is that they're used to the moon and that other sources of light disorient it
0:27:05 > 0:27:10- and they use the moon for navigation and...- It does seem odd that they only come out at night.
0:27:10 > 0:27:15- If they saw the sun, they would love it.- Yes, you'd think!- It would be... LAUGHTER
0:27:15 > 0:27:19If they got up in the morning, they'd go, "Look at that!"
0:27:19 > 0:27:21- Cos the amount they love my bedside lamp...- Exactly.
0:27:21 > 0:27:26I mean, they love my beside lamp, but the sun is significantly bigger than my bedside lamp.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29Maybe that's why they don't, cos if they went for the sun,
0:27:29 > 0:27:35they would all just go for the sun and then fly into the atmosphere and that would be a disaster.
0:27:35 > 0:27:41I like their ambition. They think it's the moon and they go, "I could make it. Look at these. Come on!"
0:27:41 > 0:27:46If you try and catch one and then you turn the light off, I always feel really guilty
0:27:46 > 0:27:48- cos it's as if they go... - SHE SIGHS
0:27:48 > 0:27:52- LAUGHTER - So, nobody knows.
0:27:52 > 0:27:58And that mystery brings us to the eternal mystery of the scores and how fascinating they are.
0:27:58 > 0:28:03In a resolute last place with minus-24, it's Mr Jimmy Carr!
0:28:03 > 0:28:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:07 > 0:28:13Almost teetering on the brink of plusness is Alan with minus-1!
0:28:13 > 0:28:16- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Minus-1.
0:28:16 > 0:28:23And Sarah Millican's first performance has been astonishing with plus-2!
0:28:23 > 0:28:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:25 > 0:28:30But tonight's winner with plus-4 is Johnny Vegas!
0:28:30 > 0:28:33- Yes! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:36 > 0:28:41Ohh! That's all from Jimmy, Johnny, Sarah, Alan and me,
0:28:41 > 0:28:43apart from this final word from Bill Vaughn.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46"We hope that when the insects do take over the world,
0:28:46 > 0:28:52"they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on our picnics." Good night.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:57 > 0:29:01Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:01 > 0:29:05E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk
0:29:05 > 0:29:06.