0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Welcome to QI where, tonight, we'll be putting sliced bread to shame
0:00:36 > 0:00:40and reinventing the wheel in a show all about inventions.
0:00:40 > 0:00:46Joining me at the lab bench, we have a world first, Nina Conti and Gran.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48- Hello. - APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:54The peculiarly innovative Sean Lock.
0:00:54 > 0:00:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:58 > 0:01:02The patently absurd Bill Bailey.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:10And I'm afraid it's back to the drawing board, Alan Davies.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Now, panel,
0:01:17 > 0:01:20if you have any bright ideas you wish to share,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23- activate the light bulb in front of you. Bill goes... - BELL
0:01:23 > 0:01:26- Sean goes... - HIGHER-PITCHED BELL
0:01:26 > 0:01:30- And Nina or Gran goes... - HIGHER-PITCHED BELL
0:01:30 > 0:01:33- And Alan goes... - ELECTRIC CURRENT NOISE
0:01:33 > 0:01:34- LAUGHTER - Excellent.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39- Er...so you've brought your grandmother with you.- "Hello".
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Is she familiar with our rule we have in this series?
0:01:42 > 0:01:46We have a 'don't know' rule. We have a 'Nobody Knows' rule.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- Right.- There's a joker you have, which is the 'Nobody Knows'...
0:01:49 > 0:01:51TANNOY: Nobody knows!
0:01:51 > 0:01:55There may be a question to which nobody actually knows the answer.
0:01:55 > 0:01:58The answer is, nobody knows. Can she...?
0:01:58 > 0:02:02- There you go, Gran.- "I can hold it." - Have you got it?- "It's a bit..."
0:02:02 > 0:02:05- She's got a little bit of arthritis in the fingers.- "It's mesmerising."
0:02:05 > 0:02:09- Do you want me to hold it for you? - "No, dear."- Oh, all right.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12"Slap me on the bottom with it, dear."
0:02:13 > 0:02:17- "I won't be like that, I'm just excited."- Fair enough.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Good. Now, my first question is,
0:02:20 > 0:02:23why should you be glad that you didn't invent the flying car,
0:02:23 > 0:02:27the parachute suit or the web rotary press?
0:02:27 > 0:02:32I've got a feeling that the guy with the parachute suit, didn't he die?
0:02:32 > 0:02:33He did.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Um...and then it does follow that they all died.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40They were all killed by their own inventions.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43The inventor of the web rotary press, for example,
0:02:43 > 0:02:47which was a huge advance and revolutionised printing,
0:02:47 > 0:02:51and unfortunately the inventor fell into the works and got gummed up in them and died.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- Really?- Yeah. Very sad business.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57But it did change printing. He was called William Bullock.
0:02:57 > 0:03:03- Which bit of it did he fall in? - Well, into the gearing. I can't imagine how he managed it.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05A bloke the other day, he went through a machine,
0:03:05 > 0:03:10and his whole body went through a tunnel the size of a CD and he survived.
0:03:10 > 0:03:11What?!
0:03:11 > 0:03:13LAUGHTER
0:03:13 > 0:03:17Was it Ronnie Corbett? LAUGHTER
0:03:18 > 0:03:19Yeah. That would explain it.
0:03:19 > 0:03:24No, his whole head went in, broke every bone in his body...
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- But he did live?- He lived... - Wow!- ..to tell the tale.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30Unfortunately, though, he is now in a redundant format.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33LAUGHTER
0:03:33 > 0:03:35APPLAUSE
0:03:37 > 0:03:39Sad.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41That was the fate of William Bullock.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45When it comes to the parachute suit, it was a man called Franz Reichelt who was an Austrian,
0:03:45 > 0:03:51who was convinced he could jump off the Eiffel Tower, this was in 1912, wearing a parachute suit.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54People warned him it was not a good idea, but he was utterly confident.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58He ripped a page out of a book to test which way the wind was going
0:03:58 > 0:04:00and his last words were, "A bientot."
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Unfortunately, that was the instruction manual(!)
0:04:04 > 0:04:07He jumped off and hit the ground a little bit too hard,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09and was dead.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12So that was not a good result.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14That's not actually an invention, then, is it?
0:04:14 > 0:04:18That's just a really stupid thing to do.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Yes.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23Where's the grey area where inventions become...suicide?
0:04:23 > 0:04:26It was a parachute suit that might have worked from higher up.
0:04:26 > 0:04:30The principle behind it was sound, as we know from parachutes, they do work.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34- But he just... - He invented jumping off things.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37He invented jumping off things badly, yeah.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40The flying car you ought to know about.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42This was a Californian engineer called Henry Smolinski.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- Look at that.- "It's lovely.
0:04:45 > 0:04:51"I can't fly or drive though, because I can't see, because my eyes are marbles.
0:04:51 > 0:04:55"But I can point where I want to go, look. There!
0:04:55 > 0:04:58"Higher! There's buildings down there.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- "Hello."- Hello.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05- "Pull my finger, dear."- OK. - "Nothing happened."
0:05:05 > 0:05:07LAUGHTER
0:05:07 > 0:05:09You've got a very, very warm finger there, Gran.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12"Oh, no, don't say that, dear.
0:05:12 > 0:05:16"It'll draw attention to it. Where it's been."
0:05:16 > 0:05:19All right, thank you! Thank you!
0:05:19 > 0:05:21Thank you, Gran.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24On the face of it, it's rather a marvellous idea.
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Smolinski's idea was that you drove to an airport, you collected the wings,
0:05:28 > 0:05:30you'd fly 500 miles-odd to the next city,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33where you'd take the wings off and you would drive off again.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35And it worked really well.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39Then in 1973 he was on a flight and one of the struts broke
0:05:39 > 0:05:41and he and his co-pilot plunged to their death.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45The idea was never thought of again. I think it should be brought back.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48I thought he would have died when he was in the air
0:05:48 > 0:05:50and he got up to go around with the drinks trolley.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53LAUGHTER
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- It's simple. It worked with Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.- Yes.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Did they have two sets of controls?
0:06:00 > 0:06:03- You've asked an intelligent question.- Extraordinary(!)
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- Hooray! - APPLAUSE
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Joysticks and it will turn over like in Thunderbirds?
0:06:12 > 0:06:16Was it a big switch? Plane - car.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20The car steering was modified so you could fly from the driver's seat
0:06:20 > 0:06:22so it was pretty much all-in-one.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25- So you could steer it with the steering wheel?- Yes.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29- I'd love one of those, wouldn't you? - I'd love one too.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33- "Difficult to park, dear." - Yeah, difficult to park. - I think it's a brilliant idea.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36"I just have to stay in the overhead compartment,
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- "don't I, dear?"- Yeah, I put her in the overhead compartment.
0:06:39 > 0:06:44- Aw, that's a bit mean. - "No nuts."- Right! I feel like I have to open the compartment slowly
0:06:44 > 0:06:48- just in case you fall out and injure someone.- "Fall out and hurt someone, yes."
0:06:48 > 0:06:54- "It's tragic."- It is. - "I'll keep going. Happy days." - Are you allowed to use the loo?
0:06:54 > 0:06:59"No, I don't have any bodily functions, dear."
0:06:59 > 0:07:02"I just sit there for comfort. But nothing happens."
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- Too much information!- I imagine there's all these other grans
0:07:08 > 0:07:13in the overhead compartments, all... all crawling about during the flight.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17I don't know why you even go on the plane, why don't you just post yourself?
0:07:19 > 0:07:22"It's very expensive, dear. I'm heavy."
0:07:22 > 0:07:25That's not true. I lost her once on a plane, by an airline,
0:07:25 > 0:07:29- which for legal reasons, I'm not supposed to name.- "Ryanair."
0:07:29 > 0:07:32LAUGHTER
0:07:38 > 0:07:44- "Would you put your granny in the hold, dear?"- No, I wouldn't.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I have a friend who has one of those micro pigs
0:07:46 > 0:07:51and she puts the pig in hand luggage in the cabin without telling them.
0:07:51 > 0:07:56- It's only a pig, isn't it? - It's one of those tiny pigs.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59Are they easy to look after? My wife would love one of those.
0:07:59 > 0:08:05You can grow them in special tubes so they're triangular and they will fit in a Toblerone box.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10- Well, somebody... - Is that a Toblerone... Oink! ..no.
0:08:10 > 0:08:16- Sometimes they grow and grow and basically you've got a huge pig. - You've just got an actual pig.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18What you bought was a piglet.
0:08:18 > 0:08:23Imagine being conned by a pig salesman!
0:08:23 > 0:08:26It's called buying a pig in a poke. It's a phrase for it.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30- Pig salesmen used to be dishonest. - "Can you say that, Nina?"
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- What? Pig in a poke. - "Can I say that?"
0:08:33 > 0:08:38- Go on, say, pig in a poke.- "That's a challenge to a ventriloquist."
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- If I say, pig and a poke, it's fine. - You say it, Gran.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- "No." - AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- Go on, Gran.- "Pig in a poke." - APPLAUSE
0:08:47 > 0:08:49That was impressive!
0:08:50 > 0:08:54- How do they do that?- I didn't know it meant that.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56A pig in a poke? What's a poke, then?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58A poke is a sack. A pocket is a small poke.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03- So you haven't seen the pig? - Exactly.- It could be a dog.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08The point is all those inventions tragically killed their inventors.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12Which well-known invention is the wickedness which lurks in the belly
0:09:12 > 0:09:16and deserves to dwell in the cesspool?
0:09:16 > 0:09:20The wickedness which lurks in the belly.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25- Er...- Do you know...- Sunny Delight.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- "I know!"- Gran? - We know because this... Yes...
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Um...I am a belly speaker.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35You are a belly speaker. Ventriloquism.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37That's it. You're a tummy speaker.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40It was considered to be a possession by demons
0:09:40 > 0:09:43if someone could have this voice come from their tummy.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47It didn't seem to come out of their mouths... Or throw their voice.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51And a Patriarch of Constantinople by the name of Photius,
0:09:51 > 0:09:55who once excommunicated the Pope, and he was the one...
0:09:55 > 0:09:57There you are! Have a go. Have a go.
0:09:57 > 0:09:58Oh, have we all got these?
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- MUMBLING:- Pig in a poke.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- APPLAUSE - I am very impressed.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10- Here's one.- The weird thing is... - ELECTRIC CURRENT NOISE
0:10:10 > 0:10:12That puppet is a ventriloquist
0:10:12 > 0:10:15and its lips didn't move when you said that
0:10:15 > 0:10:19so it's operating you which is fantastic.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21It really is a lot...
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- MUMBLING:- "It really is a lot harder than it looks."
0:10:26 > 0:10:30- "You've had a stroke, dear." - LAUGHTER
0:10:30 > 0:10:33APPLAUSE
0:10:34 > 0:10:36"He looks like ET."
0:10:36 > 0:10:40- No, don't, Gran.- "I am Bogdan.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42"I like you very much."
0:10:44 > 0:10:46"You are attractive lady."
0:10:46 > 0:10:51"If I start on you, you'll never see the light of day again."
0:10:51 > 0:10:53"Come with me. I have Oyster Card."
0:10:53 > 0:10:55LAUGHTER
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- MUMBLING: - "Are you moving your lips?"
0:11:01 > 0:11:03MUMBLING
0:11:05 > 0:11:07MUMBLING
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Sean, let's see if you can do any better.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- Are you hoping... - I'm not moving my lips.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22Oh, sorry, it's a left-handed puppet. Sorry!
0:11:25 > 0:11:27GROANING
0:11:28 > 0:11:31That's the only thing I tend to do is... GROANING
0:11:32 > 0:11:34LAUGHTER
0:11:35 > 0:11:39"Pieces of eight. Pieces of eight."
0:11:39 > 0:11:42You don't actually have to stretch your mouth.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46It's the only way I can do it. I can't do it any other way.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49SCREAMING
0:11:54 > 0:11:56- BELL - Hey!
0:11:56 > 0:11:58"Oh, no."
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- Oh, I've broken it.- You have!
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Oh!
0:12:06 > 0:12:09- BELL - Oh, Bill Bailey!
0:12:09 > 0:12:10"What the hell's he doing?"
0:12:13 > 0:12:160h, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21What a wretched disappointment to us all you are.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25SOBBING
0:12:27 > 0:12:30I can't get the talking to... I can't get the talking to you.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- MUMBLING:- "You're an idiot."
0:12:34 > 0:12:39- It's very difficult. - You have to look like you're listening when you're talking.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- You look at her?- Yes, you have to look like you're listening
0:12:42 > 0:12:44when you are in fact talking. It's quite difficult.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48- "The first rule of showbusiness, make everything look easy."- Sorry.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51- That's true. - "Not like this half-wit over here,
0:12:51 > 0:12:54- "milking it for all it's worth." - LAUGHTER
0:12:54 > 0:12:56APPLAUSE
0:12:59 > 0:13:05I think...it doesn't matter if your lips move because, surely, this gives the game away.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07LAUGHTER
0:13:07 > 0:13:11- In those circumstances, yes. - A stick here suggests it's not actually a real thing
0:13:11 > 0:13:15so it doesn't really matter whether my lips move, does it?
0:13:15 > 0:13:17"I thought this was a highbrow show."
0:13:17 > 0:13:22In order to make it highbrow, I'm sure you can help us, Nina, on the history of ventriloquism.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25I know that it has a very dark history
0:13:25 > 0:13:33and that ventriloquists used to earn a living as if their words were Divine utterances.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- Yes, that's the point. - LAUGHTER
0:13:36 > 0:13:38I'm so sorry.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42I'm sorry. I was listening but my hand came out of the top.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44I shocked myself(!)
0:13:44 > 0:13:49- That's very disturbing.- It is quite disturbing.- Really disturbing.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52That's horrible. It looks like Alien.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55SCREAMING
0:13:55 > 0:13:58It looks like Lady Gaga's sleeves.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Well, you're absolutely right,
0:14:01 > 0:14:04it was regarded as Divine utterance or demonic possession, in fact.
0:14:04 > 0:14:09- And I know one woman died from her ventriloquism.- Who was that?
0:14:09 > 0:14:12Um...but I don't know her name. I bet you do.
0:14:12 > 0:14:18- With her utterances, she was objecting to the marriage of Henry VIII...- To Anne Boleyn.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- To Anne Boleyn. - Her name was Elizabeth Barton
0:14:21 > 0:14:23and she was known as the Holy Maid of Kent.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25She was a very good ventriloquist
0:14:25 > 0:14:29and these voices would come without her mouth moving as if from her stomach.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31- "Nice tits too." - LAUGHTER
0:14:31 > 0:14:35She became very popular until she started to say...
0:14:35 > 0:14:39- Look at the bloke looking at her tits as well! - LAUGHTER
0:14:44 > 0:14:47"You've got yours out as well tonight.
0:14:47 > 0:14:51"Is that to distract from the lip movement?"
0:14:51 > 0:14:54She was very popular until she said
0:14:54 > 0:14:56that if Henry VIII married Anne Boleyn he would be deposed.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00Henry VIII didn't like that so had her head chopped off.
0:15:00 > 0:15:04- Ironically, her head was put on top of a pole... - And carried on talking(!)
0:15:04 > 0:15:08It was quite a strange fate for a ventriloquist to have their head stuck on a pole.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11But she was indeed, she suffered for her art.
0:15:11 > 0:15:16But in the 19th Century it became known to be a piece of entertainment rather than demonic spirits.
0:15:16 > 0:15:22- But the first ventriloquists on stage didn't have dummies. - What did they have?
0:15:22 > 0:15:25They used to do things like voices inside suitcases.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29There would be ones who did chimney sweeps, there'd be a chimney
0:15:29 > 0:15:32and they'd do the sound of the boy going up and getting more and more
0:15:32 > 0:15:34smothered and quieter and more distant as he went.
0:15:34 > 0:15:39Huge rounds of applause but it was a man called Fred Russell
0:15:39 > 0:15:43- who came up with his character Coster Joe was one of the first. - Was he blind?
0:15:44 > 0:15:46He made that one afternoon.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49It's not the most beautiful object you've ever seen, is it?
0:15:49 > 0:15:52That's when dummies became popular. Speaking of which,
0:15:52 > 0:15:57which of you here has ever had an imaginary friend?
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Did you ever have an imaginary friend, Gran?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02- "Bill..."- She can't say his name!
0:16:02 > 0:16:05"I think Bill Bailey, that is a hard one,
0:16:05 > 0:16:09- "I think you're my imaginary friend. And slightly out of focus."- Really?
0:16:09 > 0:16:14- "Fuzzy kind of, and you, Sean..." - That is strange.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17My reality is being called into question by...
0:16:17 > 0:16:18LAUGHTER
0:16:18 > 0:16:22It's one of the odder conversations I've had but...
0:16:22 > 0:16:28"If your imaginary friend falls over in the forest and there's no-one to hear, does that...? I can't finish."
0:16:28 > 0:16:33That's a good philosophical point. We're getting Bishop Barclay from Gran, I'm impressed!
0:16:33 > 0:16:36Did you have one? A lot of children do.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39- I'm not aware of it.- Your mother would have told you.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41They didn't use to come round much.
0:16:45 > 0:16:50- Quite!- An imaginary friend that doesn't play with you.- An imaginary friend who cuts you dead!
0:16:50 > 0:16:53I wanted to be his friend but...
0:16:53 > 0:16:55LAUGHTER
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- Aw, that's so sad. - He just wasn't interested.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00We're all familiar obviously with the concept of it
0:17:00 > 0:17:05and the fact that lots of children do seem to have an imaginary friend which can worry their parents.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09- Really peculiar.- It is peculiar. You have to lay places at table for them.
0:17:09 > 0:17:13They have to be given seats on the sofa to watch TV and so on. They have tea parties for them.
0:17:13 > 0:17:18But, according to psychiatrists, having an imaginary friend is a very good thing for a child
0:17:18 > 0:17:22and that children have had them tend to have more social and verbal skills than those who don't.
0:17:22 > 0:17:27Although, a certain proportion of them are malevolent.
0:17:27 > 0:17:32Some people have imaginary friends who scare them, a worrying thought. A nasty imaginary friend.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34- I hear voices.- Do you?
0:17:34 > 0:17:37But I ignore them and I just carry on killing.
0:17:37 > 0:17:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:45 > 0:17:49- The voices say, "Stop killing people, Sean!"- Stop it!
0:17:49 > 0:17:53You know this is wrong, Sean, they don't deserve it.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55I ignore them.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59It is quite a phenomenon.
0:17:59 > 0:18:03It was actually Yasser Arafat who said the history of religious wars
0:18:03 > 0:18:06is the history of people fighting over their imaginary friends.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08It is weird that the leader of the PLO,
0:18:08 > 0:18:11who founded the Palestinian movement which is now of course so bound up with
0:18:11 > 0:18:15religious extremism, was himself rather sceptical about it all.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18The world is hardly come on, has it? Let's be honest.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21The interesting thing I knew about him, he married a Frenchwoman.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24You wouldn't think that, would you?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27It's not beyond the bounds of reason!
0:18:27 > 0:18:31Well, you'd think he's very interested in helping his local area,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33he'd choose one of his local women.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36Yes, but the very nature of being a Palestinian meant
0:18:36 > 0:18:42he had no homeland, so it is quite likely he'd choose someone from a land where he'd resided in exile.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44And many did in France.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Or maybe she was just an imaginary wife.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50Maybe she was. Or maybe she was just damn hot.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52She was foxy.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Foxy, exactly.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- Was he...?- Was he a pussy hound? - I don't know.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59I... Wow! LAUGHTER
0:18:59 > 0:19:02Did I say that?
0:19:02 > 0:19:03LAUGHTER
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Something has gone wrong.
0:19:07 > 0:19:12I'm intrigued to think that is what you thought I was about to say.
0:19:12 > 0:19:17You looked into my eyes and thought, he's going to say "pussy hound".
0:19:17 > 0:19:20I'll beat you to it! I'll beat you to the punch.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22LAUGHTER
0:19:22 > 0:19:23Now...
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Is a pussy hound like a liger?
0:19:27 > 0:19:30It's a kind of a cat and a dog together.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35It's like a dog that gentlemen would send out to find ladies.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37WHISTLES
0:19:39 > 0:19:44So, it's kind of independent and yet loyal.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- Yes.- Yes, I like that.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48- Very good.- "Disgusting."
0:19:48 > 0:19:54Now, you all have an invention under your benches. And we'd like to know what they are.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- What are we looking it? - It's some kind of measuring device.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- We've given it you for a reason.- Oh!
0:20:00 > 0:20:03- Really? - Yes, a particular quality you have.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07- You might be more likely to guess it than others.- I see.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08Is it a beard measuring device?
0:20:08 > 0:20:14No, I would not call your beard a quality. It's a lovely beard but it's not a quality.
0:20:14 > 0:20:20- Whoa, whoa!- It's a feature! - You've crossed the line, Fry.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- It is a lovely, charming facial feature.- Right. - It has a musical connection.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26If you were certain kind of instrumentalist,
0:20:26 > 0:20:31- you might be born, as it were, with limitations that annoy you. - Ah! Wait a minute.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35- Is this something which stretches the reach of the pianist?- Yes. That is exactly what it is.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38- Wow.- Well done.
0:20:40 > 0:20:46That's right. Most people might be able to manage an octave C to C
0:20:46 > 0:20:48and some as you know can do C to E.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52- I can do C to E.- Can you? That's a wide reach.- It is a wide reach.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54I see. So, a hand would go in there,
0:20:54 > 0:20:58- and you'd undo this thing here. - That's right and stretch and stretch until...
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- This would then stretch and stretch. - Yeah.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02- Stretch and stretch like that.- Yeah.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Yeah, supposedly that would give you...
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- Ow!- Exactly.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09So, what have you got there, Sean?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12- It's a bottle, Stephen. - And what do you think it's for?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14For putting stuff in.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17OK, so, next, moving onto you.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21What have you got there?
0:21:21 > 0:21:24"Is this one mine? It's a suppository."
0:21:24 > 0:21:27Well, the bizarre thing is you're not far off.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28- Really?!- "Oh, no."
0:21:28 > 0:21:30If you unscrew the bottom.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34- You have to help me, Gran. - "With my teeth!"
0:21:34 > 0:21:37- Help me.- "I can't get a grip."
0:21:37 > 0:21:39- Maybe Bill will help. - You get one of those with...
0:21:39 > 0:21:41"I can't do it, dear!"
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- Yes?- With Preparation H.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47- Alan's on it.- Has this been up someone's arse?- Yes!
0:21:49 > 0:21:51Alan has exactly got it.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55When you get Preparation H, you screw a plastic one of those on the top.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57- You insert it in your rectum.- Yeah.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00And the dark oil comes out of the holes.
0:22:00 > 0:22:04Comes the haemorrhoid treatment - exactly right. For the treatment of haemorrhoids.
0:22:04 > 0:22:08- So what happens? This unscrews? - Yes, and you pop in the ointment.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- The ointment goes in there. - Then you screw it up.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Then you put the thing up your botty. Up the old...
0:22:14 > 0:22:18You screw that and, the ointment squirts up, reaches all places it needs to reach.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22- "It squirts up, happy days, dear." - That's quite clever.
0:22:22 > 0:22:27Because half the people on the planet will be afflicted with haemorrhoids in their lives.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31Ah... Wha...is this something you could self medicate or...?
0:22:31 > 0:22:35Yes, you don't need to, ask a friend to do it if you want.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39I imagine that would be best, to be perfectly honest.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41What are yours, Alan? What have you got?
0:22:41 > 0:22:44I have got a pair of glasses that enable me to see into my lap.
0:22:44 > 0:22:48I wonder if they are...
0:22:48 > 0:22:54- cos I can read this book.- Yeah. - But I am looking up at you whilst I'm looking down, I can read
0:22:54 > 0:22:58and write but see straight ahead.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00So are they for an artist or painter?
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Actually, they're more lazy than that.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04They're called lying down spectacles.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08You can lie in bed with a book on your chest and you'd be able to read like that.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Lying down. It is rather elegant.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13I see, that is exactly what you need when you're sunbathing
0:23:13 > 0:23:16- when you have to hold the book like that.- Yes!
0:23:16 > 0:23:18You can do it perfectly.
0:23:18 > 0:23:20SEAN: Doesn't look weird at all, it looks great!
0:23:23 > 0:23:26If you got the sun on the mirror, you'd be instantly blinded.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29It's a surprisingly clear image, isn't it?
0:23:29 > 0:23:34Here I have this little device with a cork on the end.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37It's in the shape of a policeman's whistle.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40That is a hint because policemen would carry these around with them.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41That's for blowing bubbles.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45It does look like it. There would be a liquid in there, you're absolutely right.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48It could be a salts of ammonia, sal volatile.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50Oh, smelling salts!
0:23:50 > 0:23:54Smelling salts, exactly. This was called a policeman's Lady Reviver.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56- So... - LAUGHTER
0:23:56 > 0:23:59"Can I have a sniff?"
0:23:59 > 0:24:00So when a lady fainted in the street,
0:24:00 > 0:24:03the policeman would whip it out there and...
0:24:03 > 0:24:05LAUGHTER
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Please!
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- APPLAUSE - Oh!
0:24:09 > 0:24:14That was them!
0:24:14 > 0:24:16He would whip it out and wave it under the lady's nose.
0:24:16 > 0:24:20- That would wake her up. - Wave it under the whoo-hoo!
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Yes. The sharp smell of ammonia,
0:24:22 > 0:24:24which was what was in the smelling salts.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28Have you come to a more sensible decision as to what your flask is for?
0:24:28 > 0:24:31It has it written on it. If you took the trouble to bloody read it.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33LAUGHTER
0:24:33 > 0:24:36- "Harden Star Hand Grenade."- Yeah.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39It's a hand grenade, Stephen.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43- It's a kind of hand grenade. It's a fire extinguisher hand grenade. - It's a water grenade.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45You'd fill it with aqueous solution
0:24:45 > 0:24:46and you'd throw it at the fire.
0:24:46 > 0:24:50That was the idea. You'd throw it. Those are our inventions,
0:24:50 > 0:24:56lots of very imaginative ones and they were kindly lent to us by the Maurice Collins Collection.
0:24:56 > 0:24:59All in beautiful condition. Thank for that and for not breaking them.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03Right, that's enough inventions - let's turn our attentions to
0:25:03 > 0:25:07the very real but entirely impractical business of general ignorance.
0:25:07 > 0:25:11So fingers on the buzzers, those that are still working, how did dinosaurs have sex?
0:25:13 > 0:25:15You're right!
0:25:15 > 0:25:17You're right. We just don't know.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20APPLAUSE
0:25:20 > 0:25:23You're good at those.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27No extant genitals.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30No soft tissue, it wouldn't necessarily be soft,
0:25:30 > 0:25:34but the soft tissues are the bits that don't survive in fossils of course.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37It's only in the last 15 years they've been able to sex a dinosaur fossil,
0:25:37 > 0:25:43the female dinosaurs have a special sort of cavity for making extra calcium for eggs.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46That's how you can tell from a fossil whether it's female or male.
0:25:46 > 0:25:51Obviously, that would be wrong because that would be inter-species dinosaur sex.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54The weirdest kind and that would be wrong.
0:25:54 > 0:25:58I think he's just looking for a cheap thrill.
0:25:58 > 0:26:01That's not about procreation at all.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03- No, it isn't.- That is a dinosaur S&M dungeon that.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08And the best guess is that like most birds and reptiles,
0:26:08 > 0:26:10dinosaurs had a cloacal sac.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Oh!
0:26:12 > 0:26:15A single opening for both waste and reproduction.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17- Like sharks. - Like sharks, exactly.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20And they mated by cloacal kiss.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21There we are.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24Name a disease spread by feral pigeons.
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Erm...bum hair.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29- There aren't any.- Exactly.
0:26:29 > 0:26:34There's nothing wrong with them. Again that's the answer, you're doing awfully well, Alan,
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- you're on fire tonight! - I'm doing awfully well!
0:26:36 > 0:26:41Basically, this idea that they are disease-infested
0:26:41 > 0:26:43and disease-spreading vermin,
0:26:43 > 0:26:46is nonsense according to experts on pigeons.
0:26:46 > 0:26:50This thing of them being rats with wings is considered very unfair by those in the know,
0:26:50 > 0:26:52they don't spread that much disease.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56They do leave a fair amount of poo but then so do humans, don't we?
0:26:56 > 0:26:59We've just got a better way of dealing with it perhaps.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02I tend not to leave it on people's shoulders.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Well, that's the difference!
0:27:05 > 0:27:08I mean, I wouldn't say I was well brought up but,
0:27:08 > 0:27:13there's a few benchmarks we tried to set early on...
0:27:13 > 0:27:15in my toilet training.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17That was one - never on the shoulder.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20It had a big red NO through it. It was in my bedroom on the door.
0:27:20 > 0:27:27There's a picture of a man with a turd over his shoulder, and it says, "No, Sean!"
0:27:27 > 0:27:34You learnt your lesson and we're all very tidy pooers I'm sure here in this room, including Granny.
0:27:34 > 0:27:39- "Not at all. Don't even do them, dear. Don't eat, don't excrete."- Oh!
0:27:39 > 0:27:42That's the secret of a long and happy life.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45And that is your lot. Time to invent the scores.
0:27:45 > 0:27:50Oh, my goodness me! Very exciting. Very exciting indeed.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54I'm afraid, despite some remarkable performances, in last place
0:27:54 > 0:27:57with -3, it's Bill Bailey.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01APPLAUSE
0:28:02 > 0:28:06And erm, in a very creditable fourth place with one point - Alan Davies.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10APPLAUSE
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Third place with three, Sean Lock.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19APPLAUSE
0:28:19 > 0:28:22In second place with four is Gran!
0:28:22 > 0:28:24"Oh! Very nice."
0:28:24 > 0:28:28APPLAUSE
0:28:28 > 0:28:31Which means that our winner with plus five is Nina Conti!
0:28:31 > 0:28:33APPLAUSE
0:28:37 > 0:28:42My thanks to Bill, Nina, Gran, Sean and Alan and I leave you with this from Sid Caesar,
0:28:42 > 0:28:46the guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.
0:28:46 > 0:28:50The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius. Good night.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:29:06 > 0:29:09Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:09 > 0:29:12E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk