0:00:23 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE
0:00:25 > 0:00:27CHEERS AND WHISTLING
0:00:31 > 0:00:36Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening
0:00:36 > 0:00:41and welcome to QI, where tonight's show is completely and utterly
0:00:41 > 0:00:43incomprehensible.
0:00:43 > 0:00:48Venturing into the unknown with me tonight are what's his name...
0:00:48 > 0:00:49APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:51 > 0:00:55And oh, you know...
0:00:55 > 0:00:57APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:00 > 0:01:03And, oh, wait, now, don't tell me...
0:01:03 > 0:01:06APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:09 > 0:01:11And finally...
0:01:11 > 0:01:14No, I've never seen him before in my life.
0:01:14 > 0:01:15APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Now...
0:01:20 > 0:01:24Our buzzers tonight are no less perplexing than our questions.
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Sue goes...
0:01:26 > 0:01:29BABY: Doo-di-doo da-da
0:01:29 > 0:01:31That's eleven types of wrong just there.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36- Brian goes... - ELECTRONIC SWOOSH
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Rrrross goes...
0:01:37 > 0:01:40ELECTRONIC TWITTERING
0:01:43 > 0:01:44Alan goes...
0:01:44 > 0:01:48ALAN'S VOICE OVERLAPPING ITSELF
0:01:48 > 0:01:49'..dirty old bag.'
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- Wow.- Is that your internal dialogue? - I think so.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I don't know how they got that.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00Now, don't forget, in this series we have the Nobody Knows joker
0:02:00 > 0:02:02FANFARE 'Nobody knows!'
0:02:02 > 0:02:05There are some questions to which no-one knows the answer
0:02:05 > 0:02:09and if you think the question I ask as no known, authoritative answer,
0:02:09 > 0:02:13then play your Nobody Knows joker for extra points.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16Now, let's start with something that's not even in the same language.
0:02:16 > 0:02:20Listen to this and tell me what it means.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22SQUEAKING
0:02:23 > 0:02:27- SUE LAUGHS That's a rodent. - That's a rodent, good.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31- Can you narrow it down?- Is that the squeaky door to his little house?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33- No.- He's asking for some oil.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36The astonishing thing is we do know what that means, in fact.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40I can vouch for this. There are people who study this.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43My director on one of my documentaries got a PhD from Oxford
0:02:43 > 0:02:45studying frog communication
0:02:45 > 0:02:48- and he sat...- Is that French?
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Hey, no. Stop it. Sorry.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55He sat there for three years in the Outback somewhere
0:02:55 > 0:03:00- and he discerned about three words...- Yeah. - ..which I think were...
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- Ribbit!- Yeah... - You are absolutely right, Brian.
0:03:04 > 0:03:09There are zoologists who try to understand the communication of various species.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13- Do you know what this species is? - The gopher.- It is a gopher.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- A prairie dog.- A prairie dog, yeah.
0:03:15 > 0:03:19It's also known as a ground squirrel. It's a type of squirrel.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Isn't ground squirrel a condiment?
0:03:23 > 0:03:26A little ground squirrel, madam?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- Erm... Is it...- I tell you what, he's only making that face
0:03:32 > 0:03:35because he's got Phillip Schofield's hand up his bum.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Oh, that takes me back a bit.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- Is that what the squeaking noise is? - Oh!
0:03:43 > 0:03:46- No, when I say that takes me back a bit...- Not you as well?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- I don't mean there was a time... - APPLAUSE
0:03:50 > 0:03:53It's all gone wrong.
0:03:53 > 0:03:59OK, anyway, there is a scientist, Professor Con Slobodchikoff of Northern Arizona University,
0:03:59 > 0:04:04who spent 30 years studying the language of these prairie dogs.
0:04:04 > 0:04:09- Do they warn one another of predators?- Yes. - Is that one of their words?
0:04:09 > 0:04:15He's used computer analysis and they are able to distinguish between different types of predator,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17humans, badgers, various other animals.
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Not only that, different geometric shapes, right?
0:04:21 > 0:04:25- And...- And they have a different sound?- ..different coloured shirts.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28- Badger! Badger! - And the noise we heard...
0:04:28 > 0:04:33- Human!- Yes. The noise we heard in prairie dog was,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36"There is a human approaching wearing a yellow shirt."
0:04:38 > 0:04:41I know that sounds almost inconceivable.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44They can't distinguish between different genders of human
0:04:44 > 0:04:46but they can do different heights.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49So if a tall human approaches in a yellow shirt,
0:04:49 > 0:04:52the leader who's on the look-out will make a series of squeaks
0:04:52 > 0:04:55and under computer analysis, you can differentiate
0:04:55 > 0:04:59between a tall human approaching in a red shirt
0:04:59 > 0:05:01and a short human in a red shirt...
0:05:01 > 0:05:05- How wide is their colour palette? - ..a tall human in a yellow shirt and so on.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09- If a transvestite in tartan approaches, they explode.- Yes!
0:05:11 > 0:05:14They appear not to be able to determine gender with humans.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16It doesn't seem to matter to them.
0:05:16 > 0:05:20And now it's time for some interplanetary incomprehension.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23What did the Pope's librarian say
0:05:23 > 0:05:28when he first saw the rings around the planet Saturn?
0:05:29 > 0:05:34- They initially thought the planet had ears...- Ah, yes. - ..but that was Galileo.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37I don't think he actually thought it had ears
0:05:37 > 0:05:39because Galileo was a genius.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- Ears in the sense of a jug's ears, wasn't it?- Yes.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44So that's Galileo, who was sensible.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48We're talking about the librarian of the Pope.
0:05:48 > 0:05:55He genuinely believed that it was possible that after Christ's ascension into heaven,
0:05:55 > 0:06:00the rings of Saturn were where he put his foreskin.
0:06:00 > 0:06:01Ah, yes!
0:06:01 > 0:06:06Now, you may think, oh, I'm trying to mock the church, this is all nonsense.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08But Christ, of course, was a Jewish boy
0:06:08 > 0:06:11and like all Jewish boys, he was circumcised.
0:06:11 > 0:06:16It's 50,000 miles across. Imagine the size...
0:06:16 > 0:06:20- They weren't aware of that. - I need a peg to hang this massive foreskin on.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- That's some girth.- Yeah.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27His name was Leo Allatius and his essay was called
0:06:27 > 0:06:31De Praeputio Domini Nostri Jesu Christi Diatriba,
0:06:31 > 0:06:35a diatribe, a discussion, concerning the prepuce, the foreskin,
0:06:35 > 0:06:36of Our Lord Jesus Christ.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40This is how to interest teenagers in astronomy.
0:06:41 > 0:06:43This is how to do it.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45Is it out there as a relic?
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Like all the relics, that are 18 places
0:06:48 > 0:06:52who claim to have the one true holy foreskin.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Are they really?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57Catherine of Siena was one of the weirder of the saints.
0:06:57 > 0:07:02She... She believed that Christ gave her his foreskin
0:07:02 > 0:07:07- as a wedding ring in their mystical marriage. - Wow, what a gift.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11After her death, her hand was cut off and became a relic
0:07:11 > 0:07:14with its invisible foreskin on it as a ring.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17She was an extreme anorexic, a peculiar woman
0:07:17 > 0:07:21and she also actively sought out degrading experiences.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24She once drank a cup full of cancerous pus
0:07:24 > 0:07:27from a woman who had abused her, so naturally...
0:07:27 > 0:07:30But has she appeared on Mock The Week?
0:07:34 > 0:07:36APPLAUSE
0:07:37 > 0:07:41But now, more importantly, more significantly,
0:07:41 > 0:07:45how were the rings around Saturn actually formed?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48I'm going to play the card, there.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- You are right! - FANFARE 'Nobody knows!'
0:07:50 > 0:07:54- You're a true scientist. Nobody does really know.- Ahem, Miss?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56There are two major...
0:07:57 > 0:07:58- Well done.- Thank you.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01- Well done! - APPLAUSE
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Well done. Good.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- I didn't copy, I wasn't copying. - Yeah.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11There's a Socratic acceptance of the limits of one's own knowledge
0:08:11 > 0:08:12and there's ignorance.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15I'm not saying which is which.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19No, no. Quite right. There are two major theories.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22There are two major theories. Is that right?
0:08:22 > 0:08:25It's thought there could have been a moon that was disrupted,
0:08:25 > 0:08:27so something hit it and fragmented it,
0:08:27 > 0:08:31although they are almost pure water ice,
0:08:31 > 0:08:36which, come to think of it, sat here, makes the moon theory a bit unlikely, doesn't it?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Moons are made of rock, so actually...
0:08:39 > 0:08:44The other theory is that it could be something to do with the formation of the planet itself,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46that something spun off it in some way
0:08:46 > 0:08:50and achieved a stable orbit and formed these...
0:08:50 > 0:08:54- God spilled his drink.- The structures are held by the other moons.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56There are over 60 moons of Saturn.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Are they part of the rings or separate?
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Some of them are inside - small moons called shepherd moons,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05which go round and you get rings in between those moons.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Then it's got moons outside the rings,
0:09:07 > 0:09:11which affect the structure of the rings as they orbit outside.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- So it's a very complex... - Any life-carrying moons?
0:09:14 > 0:09:18There's a moon called Enceladus, which is about as big as Britain, a small moon,
0:09:18 > 0:09:21but it has fountains of ice rising up out of the surface
0:09:21 > 0:09:27and that means there may well be liquid water beneath the surface in pockets.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30Everywhere on earth that you find water, you find life.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33Of all these moons - this is the one thing I wanted to ask -
0:09:33 > 0:09:35of all these moons, which one's most likely
0:09:35 > 0:09:38to be the home to Ewoks?
0:09:40 > 0:09:44- That would be Titan.- Titan, yeah?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46It's got a thicker atmosphere than the earth,
0:09:46 > 0:09:48so you'd need to be furry.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Good answer!
0:09:53 > 0:09:54APPLAUSE
0:10:00 > 0:10:04You'd have to destroy the one that has Jar Jar Binks on it, though.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07It's very important when you're studying
0:10:07 > 0:10:12- to know which notes to take, not just to take any old notes. - I saw that. Intelligence at work.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Now, while we're up in space,
0:10:15 > 0:10:20what's the main use for the second commonest gas in the universe?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23- Oh... Er, the second commonest?- Yes.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26What is the second most abundant gas?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- Hydrogen.- Hydrogen, I think, is the most common,
0:10:29 > 0:10:32- I believe, is the most abundant. - Nitrogen.- No.- Helium.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35- Argon?- Helium is the right answer. - Helium balloons!
0:10:35 > 0:10:39- I was going to say filling balloons. - Making squeaky voices. - That's not the reason.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43- Squeaky voices, squeaky voices. - No, the reason is...
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- HOOTER AND ALARM SOUND - No, the question is....
0:10:48 > 0:10:53The point is, there is a shortage on earth, not in the universe, of helium.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56The demand for it has gone up in the last ten, 15 years
0:10:56 > 0:11:01- and it's not... - The balloons are getting bigger. - ..because of party entertainment.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05- It's actually for something else. - We use it for refrigeration.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08Refrigeration and there's a diagnostic device,
0:11:08 > 0:11:12an expensive but effective diagnostic device that needs cooling.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- The MRI?- MRI, yes. - MRI is the right answer.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18The superconducting coils of these...
0:11:18 > 0:11:21They have to be that heavy, otherwise they just float off.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23- That's it.- Absolute nightmare.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27- They came from particle physics technology.- Ah, yeah.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29You often get criticised
0:11:29 > 0:11:34because exploring the universe is not seen as a useful thing to do, for some reason, in our society.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37But the offshoots are unpredictable
0:11:37 > 0:11:40and one of the offshoots of exploring particle physics,
0:11:40 > 0:11:43the world of the atom and quantum mechanics, was the MRI scanner.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46- In fact, we use helium to cool down the LHC.- Oh, do you?
0:11:46 > 0:11:49It's 27km in circumference.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53What was unfortunately misprinted as the Large Hard-on Collider.
0:11:53 > 0:11:56My spellchecker does that. Large Hard-on Colluder it says.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- You colluded in a large hard-on. - Yes!
0:11:59 > 0:12:05- It runs at minus 271 degrees, 1.9 degrees above absolute zero.- Wow.
0:12:05 > 0:12:10And that's because you need these magnets, the superconducting magnets that you mentioned.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13They're made of wire that has no electrical resistance,
0:12:13 > 0:12:17so you can put big currents through and have a massive magnetic field.
0:12:17 > 0:12:22But helium is the only substance that is liquid at that temperature.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Our information is, I don't know what you guys at CERN have,
0:12:25 > 0:12:29but it's possible that on earth we will run out of helium by 2035.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33- Yeah.- That's not that far away. - How will we make funny voices then?
0:12:33 > 0:12:37And with the collider, there, with all those magnets in a circle underground,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40under the hills and everything,
0:12:40 > 0:12:43those Swiss cowbells on the cows, when you turn it on,
0:12:43 > 0:12:45do they all run in a big circle?
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Moo! Moo! Getting dragged around?
0:12:48 > 0:12:52We're at 99.99999% of the speed of light around the...
0:12:52 > 0:12:55So they go round the 27km 11,000 times a second
0:12:55 > 0:12:57and the cows would weigh, if we did that,
0:12:57 > 0:13:01- 7,000 times more than they do when they're stood still.- Oh, my brain.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06- Well, it's giving me an erection as we speak.- What, the LHC?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08LAUGHTER
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- It's become a Large Hard-on Colluder.- Exactly.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16That's it. Exploration. That's the value of exploration.
0:13:16 > 0:13:20It's exploration at a human level and at a cosmic level
0:13:20 > 0:13:24and at a minute particle level. That's the beauty of it, it's...
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Oh, gosh, anyway, I'm going to beat it down and we must carry on.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29So...
0:13:30 > 0:13:34- APPLAUSE - So... I'm glad you're all excited because it is good.
0:13:36 > 0:13:42Now, this sounds very existential. When is the present?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45Oh, I'm not going to fall into that trap.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47- Who's going to say it? - Well, it's not really a trap.
0:13:47 > 0:13:53I mean, there are different ways of trying to describe what the present might be.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57Let's talk about the present in terms of archaeology.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02Archaeologists actually have an acronym, BP, which means "before present"
0:14:02 > 0:14:07and they can date the present to an exact date, January 1st 1950.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09- That's the present? - For archaeologists
0:14:09 > 0:14:14- and there's a reason for this and if you can work it out...- I'd have thought...- ..I'll be impressed.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17- Is it plastics?- Not quite that. - Bakelite?
0:14:17 > 0:14:19- No, when archaeologists...- Is it...?
0:14:19 > 0:14:22Archaeologists are interested in the distant past
0:14:22 > 0:14:25and recently, in the last 100 or so years,
0:14:25 > 0:14:29certain techniques have enabled us to discover - I say us...
0:14:29 > 0:14:33- Carbon dating.- Carbon dating has allowed us to discover how old things are.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Now, in the 1950s...
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Basically, they decided by January 1st 1950
0:14:39 > 0:14:44we had so screwed up the atmosphere with nuclear testing
0:14:44 > 0:14:50that no carbon dating could be trusted after January 1st 1950,
0:14:50 > 0:14:52so that is known as the present.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56These archaeologists need to learn a bit of physics, then.
0:14:56 > 0:15:00According to Einstein's theory of space and time, which is our best theory,
0:15:00 > 0:15:03there's no such thing as a present moment
0:15:03 > 0:15:06which spans the universe or indeed even the earth
0:15:06 > 0:15:09or in fact two people moving relative to each other.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- They're...- It is absurd to think
0:15:11 > 0:15:17of an event that might be happening now in a galaxy and me doing this as being simultaneous.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19That has no meaning, cosmically, does it?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- You can swap the order of them... - Yes.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24..as long as they're not causally connected.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27We don't know how time works, at a very fundamental level.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31But Time's Arrow, I actually got my head around that a bit.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33You don't need maths
0:15:33 > 0:15:36if everything is going forward and as it does, it decays,
0:15:36 > 0:15:38so then you understand entropy,
0:15:38 > 0:15:42I look for... All you need is analogy that's pertinent to you,
0:15:42 > 0:15:45so in my case, all relationships, and then you realise...
0:15:45 > 0:15:49Of course. You get that perfect 18 months and then they're dead.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53- The second law of thermo... The second law of sexual dynamics.- Yeah.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57That's how I - according to me - that's how I extrapolate.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59But to make it statistically significant
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- you have to have a lot of relationships.- Oh, I do.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06And they really do all suffer from the law of entropy.
0:16:06 > 0:16:11Now, who fancies an ingenious interlude?
0:16:11 > 0:16:15I have some props that I'm really thrilled about. I love doing this.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18Here - candles, see? Candles.
0:16:19 > 0:16:22I'm going to light these candles here.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- Red, white and blue.- Is that from the Ikea Black Mass kit?
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- Right.- Is this the point where we all have to kneel down
0:16:30 > 0:16:33and pray to Jesus' foreskin?
0:16:33 > 0:16:35No! I promise you.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39I'm going to extinguish these candles, right?
0:16:39 > 0:16:40I've a jug, here.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43I'm going to extinguish them using an invisible gas.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45Not by liquid but using an invisible gas.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48I want you to tell me... I'm going to let Brian off.
0:16:48 > 0:16:53This to him is like book 1, page 1 of Boy's Wonder Book Of Science
0:16:53 > 0:16:55but that's the level I'm at, I'm afraid.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58I'm going to put this powder in first.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01- Do we know what the powder is? - Then this liquid.- Custard.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- It's not custard, no.- Oh, look. - I'm going to cover it up.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Now, watch. I'm not going to pour the liquid onto it, I'm just going to pour the gas
0:17:08 > 0:17:10onto here.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- And out go the candles.- Ooh!
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Oh, I like that!
0:17:14 > 0:17:15APPLAUSE
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- I've got a feeling... - Do another one. Do something else.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24I should be presenting the Royal Institution Christmas lectures.
0:17:24 > 0:17:25You should.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28So can one of you, who isn't a professor at Manchester,
0:17:28 > 0:17:32and a Fellow of the Royal Society, tell me what was going on there?
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- Is it magic?- It's not... Well...
0:17:36 > 0:17:40- I think it's carbon dioxide... going in.- Yes.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44I took sodium bicarbonate, a very common household thing
0:17:44 > 0:17:47you use for indigestion or for cleaning purposes, and vinegar.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50And I put them together and they precipitated CO2,
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- which is...?- Heavier than air. - Heavier than air.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56And simply pouring it there snuffed out the candles.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58I've never seen anyone pour a gas before.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01I know. You don't think of gas as being a pourable thing.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04I can't tell you how relieved I am that it worked.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05Thank you, anyway.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Well done, everybody, especially me.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09Thank you.
0:18:10 > 0:18:15If you're ever tempted to carry liquid nitrogen in a lift,
0:18:15 > 0:18:19- which in physics departments you are... - Liquid nitrogen is very cold.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21It is but they don't let you carry it in lifts
0:18:21 > 0:18:25because if you spill it, you get nitrogen gas and that's heavier than air
0:18:25 > 0:18:29- and it pushes all the oxygen to the top.- You suffocate?- Yes.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Even though it's nitrogen, which the air is mainly made of.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37Every al-Qaeda cell watching this tonight are going,
0:18:37 > 0:18:41- "Where's the nearest tower block?" - Running around with ewers of nitrogen.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45I remember a chemistry lesson, one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen,
0:18:45 > 0:18:50The master came in. Someone had prepared some liquid nitrogen -
0:18:50 > 0:18:54we didn't know what it was - and he came in with a rose he'd just picked
0:18:54 > 0:18:57and he dipped the rose in for a second
0:18:57 > 0:18:59and then smashed it on the table
0:18:59 > 0:19:02and it shattered like glass into 1,000 pieces.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06You may say, "How destructive," but it was staggeringly beautiful,
0:19:06 > 0:19:10the idea that you could alter the state of something at such speed
0:19:10 > 0:19:14that it could suddenly become, from being the softest, most malleable thing.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- Isn't that lovely?- Beautiful.- It is.
0:19:18 > 0:19:23- I think you're humouring me.- No! - You want me to go back to foreskins.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26No. I think it's a hilarious Valentine's Day prank.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30There you go. Wah! Not for you!
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Can you imagine the surface of Saturn's moon, Titan.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38- That's so cold that's got liquid methane.- I know Titan.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42Titan's the one where the Ewoks live. Titan is the Ewok planet.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- Yeah!- That's the place.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- APPLAUSE - You see?- Hang on, I've got it.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51I've got it. So basically, you're saying you can shatter an Ewok?
0:19:51 > 0:19:55- Yes. Because it's got lakes of liquid methane.- Oh, wow.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Methane behaves exactly like water on earth,
0:19:58 > 0:20:02so you get methane rain, you get methane snow, methane ice
0:20:02 > 0:20:03and lakes of methane.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07There's a lake there which is as large as Lake Superior.
0:20:07 > 0:20:11- Methane is essentially a fart. Liquid fart.- Exactly, yes.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13I don't want to go there. Strike it off.
0:20:13 > 0:20:18If I could stand on a planet and throw an Ewok into a lake of farts,
0:20:18 > 0:20:22that would just be... That would be like...
0:20:22 > 0:20:25- Smash it into a fart.- You couldn't, because it would shatter.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28Even better.
0:20:28 > 0:20:32Right. So I could be tossing Ewoks into a lake of farts.
0:20:32 > 0:20:33Ah!
0:20:33 > 0:20:37- Your heaven. Everyone has their own heaven, that's yours.- That is...
0:20:37 > 0:20:41When you say tossing Ewoks into a lake of farts...
0:20:41 > 0:20:44- Yeah, yeah!- Steady! - No, that's exactly what I meant.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Oh!
0:20:46 > 0:20:49You know what, after this show finishes, I'm off.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52I don't care. You'll never see me again.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55"Where is he?" "He's off tossing Ewoks again.
0:20:55 > 0:20:59"Into his lake of farts on a pedalo make of smoke."
0:21:00 > 0:21:05- MAKES EWOK NOISE - Is liquid methane flammable...
0:21:05 > 0:21:10- in the same way that methane gas...? - This could be a great question for this show.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13No but why? On Titan.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17- Because the lakes... - Because there's no oxygen or...?
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- Ah! No oxygen.- No oxygen. - There's no oxygen.
0:21:20 > 0:21:24- If there was oxygen...- Yes. - ..it would be?
0:21:24 > 0:21:26All you're thinking of is things to do in the pub.
0:21:26 > 0:21:31That's ruined it. It's not the image of him, tossing an Ewok.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35So you don't want to go there because you can't light your farts.
0:21:38 > 0:21:43The great Sydney Smith said heaven was eating foie gras to the sound of trumpets.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48You have redefined it. Tossing Ewoks into lakes of methane.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52It's nothing to do with heaven, it's just things to do on Titan.
0:21:52 > 0:21:56That's in the guide book, Things To Do On Titan.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58It's on the front of the guide book.
0:21:58 > 0:22:02"If only have access to a Wookiee, you will need a bigger lake."
0:22:04 > 0:22:07That's just basic science. I could tell you that.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12- A test now of your nautical knowledge.- Oh!
0:22:12 > 0:22:16What variety of lettuce did they serve on board the Titanic?
0:22:16 > 0:22:18Iceberg.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21- Oh, dear. - ALARM AND HOOTER
0:22:21 > 0:22:22APPLAUSE
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- Well, bless you. - I took one for the team, as it were.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30You did take one for the team.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33The iceberg lettuce had been developed in Pennsylvania
0:22:33 > 0:22:37- but it was not available in Europe. - Was it rocket? Lollo rosso?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39- The answer is we don't know.- Oh.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42We do know there were 700 heads of lettuce on board...
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- You make them sound like heads of state.- Doesn't it?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48Most grand of all the lettuce, the head of lettuce.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51Why did they only have 700 lettuce? How many people were on board?
0:22:51 > 0:22:55Either they'd already eaten that much and that much was saved
0:22:55 > 0:22:57or they didn't order that much.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59They saved the lettuce but not the people?
0:22:59 > 0:23:011,500 people died on that ship.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04"Get the lettuce, for crying out loud."
0:23:04 > 0:23:06Oh dear, I misread my card.
0:23:06 > 0:23:10It was - hold the front page - 7,000 heads of lettuce.
0:23:10 > 0:23:14No wonder the bloody thing sank. It was full of lettuce.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Before they even start...
0:23:16 > 0:23:19- Lettuces float. - Well, why did it sink, then?
0:23:21 > 0:23:23What is wrong with these people?
0:23:24 > 0:23:28- Where do you think the most valuable icebergs are?- Valuable?- Valuable.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31- Lettuce icebergs or icebergs? - Iceberg icebergs.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- Not necessarily on earth but in our solar system.- Oh.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37I'm thinking of Neptune or Uranus.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41No, no, no, no.
0:23:41 > 0:23:45It's thought the crushing pressure might create lakes of liquid diamond
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- filled with solid diamond icebergs. - Mm.- Ooh.
0:23:48 > 0:23:52- I don't know who thinks this. - Mariah Carey.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56She was... She was the one that thought of that.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00"How heavy are they? I'll be there."
0:24:01 > 0:24:07- Does it seem to you to have any value?- Yes, it could, in principle.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11- There is a lot of pressure. - Huge pressures deep down, yeah.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15Now, I'd like you to fill in the gaps in these slogans
0:24:15 > 0:24:18for various places or institutions.
0:24:18 > 0:24:22We start with County Donegal's slogan, OK?
0:24:22 > 0:24:23- IRISH ACCENT - "Up here it's..."
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- Windy. - Green.- It really is windy there.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29- Different.- It's different. - "Up here it's different."
0:24:29 > 0:24:33That's Donegal's slogan, you'll be pleased to know.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37Northumbria police, however, "Total..."
0:24:38 > 0:24:41- Night.- Gobshites.- Total arrest.
0:24:41 > 0:24:47- "Total policing," I'm sorry to say. - Total brutality.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49- GEORDIE ACCENT: - Total policing.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52"Welcome to Northamptonshire. Let yourself..."
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Down.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59Let yourself out.
0:25:01 > 0:25:05The nearest exit. Poor Northamptonshire.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- Charming place. Let yourself... - Breathe.- Relax.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- Breathe is good, relax is... - Let's yourself go.- Not bad.
0:25:11 > 0:25:15- Grow.- Grow.- Grow. - That is disgusting.
0:25:15 > 0:25:20- Let yourself go, yeah. - Let yourself grow into a larger person.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22This is an optimistic one.
0:25:22 > 0:25:25"Welcome to Tower Hamlets. Let's make it..."
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- ASBO week.- Out alive.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Let's make it out alive.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- Let's make it happen. - Let's make it happen.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43There's no H on happen there. Let's make it 'appen.
0:25:43 > 0:25:47There was another slogan that said, "It did happen on Friday 17th.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50"If you witnessed it, please ring this number."
0:25:51 > 0:25:53APPLAUSE
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Oh, dear.
0:25:56 > 0:26:01We could go on like this forever but we're simply not going to.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05So we stumble now into the gaping maw of General Ignorance.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Fingers on buzzers, quick as you can.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08What's the definition of a galaxy?
0:26:08 > 0:26:11- I'm going to make a... - BABY GURGLES
0:26:11 > 0:26:14- FANFARE 'Nobody knows!' - Yes! You're right.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Essentially, there is no absolutely official decision
0:26:17 > 0:26:22but there are scientists trying to work out precisely what a galaxy might be.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26It's Duncan Forbes of Swinburne University in Australia
0:26:26 > 0:26:29and Pavel Kroupa, the University of Bonn in Germany.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33They launched an on-line survey and we have been allowed at QI
0:26:33 > 0:26:36to be the first people to see the results of the poll so far.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39Based on that, there is already one new galaxy that fits.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43A globular cluster, Omega Centauri, seems to qualify,
0:26:43 > 0:26:46according to those criteria, as a galaxy.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48In that image, the Hubble Deep Field image,
0:26:48 > 0:26:52this year, the most distant galaxy ever discovered was found in that photograph
0:26:52 > 0:26:57and it's 13.2 billion light years away.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00So the earth's been here for, what, 5 billion years,
0:27:00 > 0:27:04so for most of the journey of the light from those galaxies you can see in that image
0:27:04 > 0:27:07the earth wasn't even here. It wasn't formed.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10It was formed when they were almost halfway...
0:27:10 > 0:27:15The further away you look, the further towards the birth of the universe you're looking.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18How do you know which direction to look? Did it begin here or there?
0:27:18 > 0:27:20- Are we on the surface of a balloon? - It began here.
0:27:20 > 0:27:24The Big Bang happened here, at every point in space.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27The picture is that space and time began at that point
0:27:27 > 0:27:29and it's been stretching ever since,
0:27:29 > 0:27:33so all of space and all of time, in some sense,
0:27:33 > 0:27:36were there at the Big Bang, so the Big Bang happened everywhere.
0:27:36 > 0:27:42- There's no centre. - You can't see it because black's a very slimming colour.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45That's true. I just think it's all beautiful and wonderful.
0:27:45 > 0:27:50And finally, the scores, which are as baffling as always.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54It's fascinating, it's remarkable, it's wonderful, it's exciting.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57In last place, it's Sue Perkins with minus 17.
0:27:57 > 0:27:58APPLAUSE
0:28:01 > 0:28:05A highly creditable third place with minus 6 - Ross Noble.
0:28:05 > 0:28:06APPLAUSE
0:28:10 > 0:28:13But surely putting himself in contention for a Nobel Prize
0:28:13 > 0:28:16some time in the next few years, on plus 2,
0:28:16 > 0:28:18- Alan Davies.- Thank you very much.
0:28:18 > 0:28:19APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:20 > 0:28:24And it can come as no surprise
0:28:24 > 0:28:27that the mop-top from Oldham is our winner.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30On plus five, it's Professor Brian Cox.
0:28:30 > 0:28:32APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:35 > 0:28:41So, it only remains for me to thank Brian, Sue, Ross and Alan
0:28:41 > 0:28:44and to leave you with an observation from Will Rogers.
0:28:44 > 0:28:48"An ignorant person is one who doesn't know
0:28:48 > 0:28:50"what you have only just found out."
0:28:50 > 0:28:53- Goodnight. - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:29:11 > 0:29:13Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:29:13 > 0:29:15E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk