0:00:24 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:32Goo-o-o-o-d evening!
0:00:32 > 0:00:35Good evening, good evening, good evening!
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Goo-o-d evening and welcome to QI,
0:00:37 > 0:00:41where the composition of our panel, is intentionally international.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44From Denmark, Sandi Toksvig...
0:00:44 > 0:00:47APPLAUSE
0:00:47 > 0:00:51From Germany, Henning Wehn...
0:00:51 > 0:00:54APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:54 > 0:00:58From Scotland, Clive Anderson...
0:00:58 > 0:01:02APPLAUSE
0:01:02 > 0:01:05And from God knows where, Alan Davies!
0:01:05 > 0:01:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:11 > 0:01:15Tonight's show is all about inattention and ineptitude.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Alan, what is tonight's show about?
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Inattention and ineptitude.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21- (SIREN SOUNDS)- Oh-h-h!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:01:23 > 0:01:26That's ten points off for a start, because tonight's show
0:01:26 > 0:01:28- is all about inequality and injustice.- Oh, of course!
0:01:28 > 0:01:32And so we unjustly took 10 points away from you,
0:01:32 > 0:01:35because this is a show in which nothing will be fair,
0:01:35 > 0:01:36from top to bottom,
0:01:36 > 0:01:39so let's get it over with and go straight to the scores!
0:01:39 > 0:01:43In first place, with -54,
0:01:43 > 0:01:44it's Sandi Toksvig!
0:01:44 > 0:01:47APPLAUSE
0:01:47 > 0:01:48(BUZZER) 'Whay-hay!'
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Congratulations!
0:01:50 > 0:01:53In second place with +7, is Clive Anderson!
0:01:53 > 0:01:56(BUZZER) 'Objection, m'lud!'
0:01:56 > 0:01:58In third place with minus sechzig, is Henning Wehn...
0:01:58 > 0:02:02(BUZZER) 'Don't mention za var!'
0:02:02 > 0:02:05And lastly, obviously, with minus one gazillion, is Alan Davies!
0:02:05 > 0:02:08(BUZZER) 'Boooo!'
0:02:08 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:14 > 0:02:17So that's it, you've done the scores already?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20The scores are already done, but we've still got questions to ask.
0:02:20 > 0:02:23And don't forget your nobody knows joker.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26BUGLE CALL
0:02:26 > 0:02:28There's a question, maybe two, or three,
0:02:28 > 0:02:31to which the correct answer is, "nobody knows".
0:02:31 > 0:02:34If you wave your nobody knows joker you get extra points,
0:02:34 > 0:02:36or maybe you lose them,
0:02:36 > 0:02:39or maybe you don't, because the scores have already been given.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43It's an unjust game tonight. The first question is easy,
0:02:43 > 0:02:47so I'll give it randomly to my old friend, Sandi.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50What can you tell me about this chap behind you?
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Ooh! Er, well, do you think that the words give it away,
0:02:53 > 0:02:55or is that going to be unfair?
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Er, the fact that it says, "The Puritan."
0:02:58 > 0:02:59Well...
0:02:59 > 0:03:03SIREN SOUNDS
0:03:03 > 0:03:05- That seems unfair! - It does, doesn't it?
0:03:05 > 0:03:09Because what it is, is the 19th century IDEA of a Puritan,
0:03:09 > 0:03:12and in fact the 19th century idea of a Puritan,
0:03:12 > 0:03:15which we retain to this day, is completely inaccurate.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18The steeple hat, the clothing, no evidence
0:03:18 > 0:03:19they ever wore...
0:03:19 > 0:03:21They wore a beanie hat, did they?
0:03:21 > 0:03:24They wore ordinary clothes, but having their portraits taken,
0:03:24 > 0:03:26they usually wore their Sunday best,
0:03:26 > 0:03:28which tended to be black.
0:03:28 > 0:03:32- So he's not a Puritan at all?- He's a 19th century idea of a Puritan.
0:03:32 > 0:03:36- You were right to say he was a Puritan...- I was merely reading!
0:03:36 > 0:03:38..and I was unjust, you lost 10 points.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- But it doesn't matter because you've already won!- Yes!
0:03:41 > 0:03:45- Do you know, I'm quite relaxed about the whole show?- Exactly!
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Now, what can you tell me about the Puritans, in America?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Er, they went over on the Mayflower?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- No...- I keep expecting the thing to go off again!- Yeah!
0:03:53 > 0:03:55They didn't go on the Mayflower?
0:03:55 > 0:03:57No. The great American myth, if you like,
0:03:57 > 0:03:59is the Puritans arrived on the Mayflower,
0:03:59 > 0:04:03and they came to avoid religious persecution.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06In fact, they came in order to be able to persecute.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10- Yeah, but they hated the Quakers. - They objected to religious freedom in England,
0:04:10 > 0:04:14that meant you could have all kinds of, ranges of religion.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18In 1660 they hanged a woman just for being a Quaker.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- Mary Dyer.- That's right, the very one.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Obviously many people did come to America to avoid persecution,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27but the idea the Puritans came to avoid persecution,
0:04:27 > 0:04:29they came to persecute,
0:04:29 > 0:04:31they wanted to build a country
0:04:31 > 0:04:34in which there could be no dissent from Puritanism.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Puritans, they regarded luxury as sinful, didn't they?
0:04:37 > 0:04:42Some of them set off to America and the others opened B&Bs in Britain!
0:04:42 > 0:04:45- Hey!- Yeah...
0:04:45 > 0:04:47B&Bs, breakfast until seven,
0:04:47 > 0:04:50don't call it B&B, just call it B!
0:04:52 > 0:04:57If you've got no intention of serving breakfast, don't call it B&B.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Do you know, I once sailed all the way round Britain,
0:05:00 > 0:05:03and we finally got to Northumbria, and on the coastline,
0:05:03 > 0:05:05there was a house with paint saying,
0:05:05 > 0:05:08"Bed and breakfast, hot and cold water."
0:05:08 > 0:05:12I thought, "Only in this country, would you feel you must advertise you have both."
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Oh yes. Pride!
0:05:14 > 0:05:17It used to be hot and cold running water.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Not just a bucket lying there, there's pipes and everything!
0:05:20 > 0:05:23In this painting, did the native there, on the left,
0:05:23 > 0:05:26did he bring that tree to hide behind, because he looks...
0:05:26 > 0:05:28LAUGHTER
0:05:28 > 0:05:31He doesn't look happy!
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- See which way the wind is blowing... - I think he knows what's coming!
0:05:34 > 0:05:37It's true, Stephen, the Puritans went on the Mayflower.
0:05:37 > 0:05:42They say they landed at Plymouth Rock, but it was Provincetown, so none of it is true.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45I'm afraid, yeah, it's a myth.
0:05:45 > 0:05:48Every country likes to build up a legend of its own foundation.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Really ugly baby!
0:05:50 > 0:05:52LAUGHTER
0:05:52 > 0:05:54It IS a rather ugly baby!
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Like a tiny person standing behind the woman...
0:05:56 > 0:06:01It's not any use... don't learn that expression, "really ugly baby".
0:06:01 > 0:06:04There's never an opportunity to use that in real life.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Little tiny... I'm really enjoying this painting...
0:06:07 > 0:06:10They come all the way over, brought one pickaxe and a hat!
0:06:10 > 0:06:12LAUGHTER
0:06:12 > 0:06:14It's no basis on which to build a country, is it?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16The guy on the right brought a girl.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19And 300 years later it was the mightiest nation on earth!
0:06:19 > 0:06:23- Extraordinary! No offence! - I don't think the man in the hat had much to do with it!
0:06:23 > 0:06:26Anyway that was our first unfair question.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Puritans didn't really dress like that. What key role
0:06:28 > 0:06:30did a Puritan pig play
0:06:30 > 0:06:33in the trial of George Spencer in 1641?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36- Is that the actual pig we're looking at?- No, that is not the actual pig!
0:06:36 > 0:06:42Because that's a photograph of a modern pig posing as a 1641 pig.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44A rather similar picture of myself at a spa!
0:06:44 > 0:06:47LAUGHTER
0:06:47 > 0:06:51Oh, now! You've got two fewer nipples!
0:06:51 > 0:06:56Well certainly, the nipples were a surprise!
0:06:56 > 0:06:58- But that look of contentment! - Yes.- Absolutely!
0:06:58 > 0:07:01- One happy pig.- It's a pig in clover!
0:07:01 > 0:07:03A pig in clover, absolutely!
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- George... when did you say, what year did you say?- 1641.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08Are we talking about witchcraft?
0:07:08 > 0:07:11We're in New Haven, Connecticut, centre of the Puritan...
0:07:11 > 0:07:14- Is this a bit like that monkey they hanged in Hartlepool?- Well...
0:07:14 > 0:07:17Because they thought he was French, didn't they?
0:07:17 > 0:07:20The monkey was hanged because they thought him a French spy.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24They knew French people spoke a different language and were small,
0:07:24 > 0:07:26and cartoonists had made them look diminutive and nasty,
0:07:26 > 0:07:30so they see a little monkey, they buy the propaganda!
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- When the monkey was in the dock it was thoroughly evasive!- Yes!
0:07:33 > 0:07:37It didn't give a straight answer to any question!
0:07:37 > 0:07:41This, on the other hand, is a Puritan world and I would remind you of Leviticus 20:15...
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Not eating pork, presumably?
0:07:43 > 0:07:45No, "If a man lie with a beast,
0:07:45 > 0:07:49"he shall surely be put to death, and ye shall slay the beast."
0:07:49 > 0:07:53- He laid with a pig!- Did George have his end away with a piece of pork?
0:07:53 > 0:07:56He just fancied a bit of crackling, that's all!
0:07:56 > 0:07:58It's even unfairer than that.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01It so happened that George was a rather ugly fellow,
0:08:01 > 0:08:05who was bald and had one eye,
0:08:05 > 0:08:09and one day a sow farrowed, I think is the word, a litter of piglets,
0:08:09 > 0:08:14one of whom was strikingly similar to George,
0:08:14 > 0:08:17and had one eye, and so George was immediately
0:08:17 > 0:08:21put in front of the Puritan court, accused of having lain with the pig.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24He didn't have the chance to get a super injunction.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Disgraceful!
0:08:26 > 0:08:30He denied it strenuously, as you might!
0:08:30 > 0:08:34Typically, Puritans then said, "There shall be mercy shown,
0:08:34 > 0:08:36"should you be open and honest."
0:08:36 > 0:08:39So he thought, "If I say yes they'll let me off",
0:08:39 > 0:08:40so he said, "I laid with the pig",
0:08:40 > 0:08:45and they said, "The mercy will be shown by the Lord, but not by us."
0:08:45 > 0:08:48For there to be a capital offence there had to be two witnesses,
0:08:48 > 0:08:51so they included the pig.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55So they brought the pig into the trial to speak against itself,
0:08:55 > 0:09:00or squeak against itself, and both George and the pig were executed.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04- Both got the chop.- Both got the chop! - Did the pig shyly look at George,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07in a kind of I-remember-that-night way...
0:09:07 > 0:09:09I think the whole thing was just...
0:09:09 > 0:09:13The pig came in and said, "That bastard, he never rang...
0:09:13 > 0:09:15LAUGHTER
0:09:15 > 0:09:17"..he just used me!"
0:09:17 > 0:09:21Some 50 years later, there was the famous mass hysteria in Salem...
0:09:21 > 0:09:26- Salem witch trials...- the witch trials, but this was before them,
0:09:26 > 0:09:28there were the bestiality obsessions as well.
0:09:28 > 0:09:32- Who's the other witness, though? - George. George said yes.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35- So his confession...- His tricked confession was counted.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38If you'd been there he'd have got off, Clive.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Of course, I'd like to think so,
0:09:40 > 0:09:42but these days, you convict people on a confession,
0:09:42 > 0:09:45you don't even need the pig!
0:09:45 > 0:09:47It seems very unfair to execute the pig.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51- Totally!- If his sin is lying with the beast...
0:09:51 > 0:09:53No, Leviticus, I remind you,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56"If a man lie with the beast he shall surely be put to death,
0:09:56 > 0:09:57"and ye shall slay the beast."
0:09:57 > 0:09:59- Ah!- Does anyone know,
0:09:59 > 0:10:03why did the New Haven Puritans abolish trial by jury?
0:10:03 > 0:10:07Well, the Bible has stuff about, "Judge not, that ye be not judged."
0:10:07 > 0:10:09I think it's in the gospels.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13Does that go on to say, "..and don't be on a jury, either."
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Oddly enough, you're in the right area.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19It's simply that juries are not mentioned in the Bible.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22They thought they had no place in life
0:10:22 > 0:10:24because they didn't have them in biblical times.
0:10:24 > 0:10:28What about a propelling pencil? They wouldn't have that either.
0:10:28 > 0:10:33Well, quite. There are Amish communities and various other Brethren who don't.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- It's a sin to use a propelling pencil? - Well, it's very hard. I agree.
0:10:36 > 0:10:41It's a very peculiar world, the world of the Puritan.
0:10:41 > 0:10:42Royal unfairness, now.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46Who got the blame when the Prince of Wales misbehaved?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Seeing we're in Britain, usually the Germans.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Well, they are Germans, so... LAUGHTER
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- Is it this Prince? - It's not actually this one.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59- Is it another Charles?- It's not, actually.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- All princes of blood. - Edward VIII was always in trouble.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Queen Victoria said, "If I get the right..."
0:11:05 > 0:11:07And, indeed, earlier ones were often in trouble.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09What I'm really talking about here, I suppose,
0:11:09 > 0:11:14is the business of corporal punishment.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Until very, very, very recently
0:11:16 > 0:11:19in human history has it become unfashionable
0:11:19 > 0:11:24and indeed considered wrong to strike a child for a misdeed.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26- It's now illegal to do so. - Is it?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28- I believe so. - LAUGHTER
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Just on the way here, a small urchin annoyed me!
0:11:33 > 0:11:35It used to be considered,
0:11:35 > 0:11:37it used to be considered
0:11:37 > 0:11:40not only empirically but in every other sense a good thing to do.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44How is he holding that child up? He's got his thumb wedged in his...
0:11:44 > 0:11:47It's the only way of holding him up. It's like a bowling ball.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49LAUGHTER
0:11:49 > 0:11:53I don't know whether that's Dotheboys Hall from Nicholas Nickleby or similar.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57Generally speaking, everybody agreed it was good for children to be beaten.
0:11:57 > 0:12:01There was the Bible, "He who spareth the rod hateth his son.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04"Withhold not correction from your child.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08"Beat him with the rod and thou shall deliver his soul from Hell." Apparently.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Children were always beaten. We are the first generation... I'm not.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15I was beaten a huge amount when I was a child at prep school.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- Were you?- God, yes. From the age of seven to 13 at least twice a week.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20I was a bad boy and I was always being thrashed.
0:12:20 > 0:12:26- What for? - Oh, stealing, lying, cheating, being cheeky, being a nuisance.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- Evading games. - Being a smart arse?
0:12:28 > 0:12:32- Being a smart arse. - Bit too clever for your own good, that sort of thing?
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Always telling people what was going on?
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Well, they certainly beat that out of you, didn't they?
0:12:38 > 0:12:41And I was beaten a great deal and it did me no harm...
0:12:41 > 0:12:43HE GROANS
0:12:43 > 0:12:45It was common practice.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48It was outlawed in state schools when?
0:12:48 > 0:12:52When was it actually made law that you were not allowed to strike a child?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54- Later than you think. - I'd guess under New Labour.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56- Er, no. - No?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58- Seventies? - It was 1986.
0:12:58 > 0:13:001986?
0:13:00 > 0:13:031986 when it was made illegal in state schools to beat children,
0:13:03 > 0:13:06and it was a very close vote.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- Under Margaret Thatcher? - 231 to 230.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11- In state schools? - By just one.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13And do you know whom state school children have to thank
0:13:13 > 0:13:16for the fact they were not beaten from that day forward? It's odd.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- Michael Howard or something? - No. It's even weirder.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- Ann Widdecombe? - No, it's just too weird to be believed.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Fergie, Fergie, Fergie. Dear Duchess of York, Fergie.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27The manager of Manchester United?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30No, the Duchess of York, Fergie, as I just said.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Black Eyed Peas?
0:13:32 > 0:13:35That, I will repeat, Duchess of York, Fergie.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38I hadn't finished my Fergie material.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40A tractor? LAUGHTER
0:13:40 > 0:13:45A massive Fergie, yes, you could say.
0:13:45 > 0:13:46- Why? - That Fergie.
0:13:46 > 0:13:50Well, it so happened the vote was on that day that she was marrowing...
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- Marrowing? Marrowing Prince Andrew. - LAUGHTER
0:13:53 > 0:13:56She loved to marrow Prince Andrew.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00I think marrowing the prince is illegal.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05What a great expression. "Have you time for some marrowing?"
0:14:05 > 0:14:07I'm going to Google that when I get in.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Apparently, the traffic held-up enough Tory MPs,
0:14:10 > 0:14:14who were likely to have voted to keep beating,
0:14:14 > 0:14:16for the anti-beating measure to go through.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- Was this a whipped vote? - Wa-hey!
0:14:19 > 0:14:22I thought you meant she campaigned for it?
0:14:22 > 0:14:25No, no. It just so happened the vote, no, happened.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Entirely inadvertent, she did something useful.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30By mistake. By mistake, she helped.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33When was it, or is it, indeed, illegal in private schools?
0:14:33 > 0:14:36You have to pay extra, though. LAUGHTER
0:14:37 > 0:14:39- I think it isn't, now. - It isn't. - It's very recent.
0:14:39 > 0:14:44- Under the Human Rights Act, it must. - Yes. In 1999, basically, is when that stopped being legal.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47Until then, children were beaten.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49They were beaten for making mistakes,
0:14:49 > 0:14:51they were beaten for all kinds of reasons.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55But there was this idea also that you learned better,
0:14:55 > 0:15:00that things could literally be beaten into you, knowledge could be beaten into you.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02What happened when it came to a prince?
0:15:02 > 0:15:05You can't have a commoner, even a tutor, beating a prince
0:15:05 > 0:15:08because he made a mistake in his algebra.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- You beat his teddy? - Well, you appointed someone.
0:15:11 > 0:15:16A child, a friend of the prince, who,
0:15:16 > 0:15:19when the prince made a mistake, you whipped him.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23And that phrase, which is in common currency, is whipping boy.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25They become peer then, later on, don't they?
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Yes. That's the point.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29It was actually a much sought-after post.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Fathers would want their sons to be whipping boy.
0:15:32 > 0:15:37They were close to the Royal Family. Charles I, for example, had a whipping boy when he was a prince
0:15:37 > 0:15:40and he raised him to the Earl of Dysart, a title that still exists.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41They became quite powerful people.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44The idea was, of course, they would be friends,
0:15:44 > 0:15:47that the prince would like his whipping boy,
0:15:47 > 0:15:48so that he would try hard.
0:15:48 > 0:15:53Obviously sometimes they might think, "I don't bloody care!"
0:15:53 > 0:15:55It's a most peculiar idea,
0:15:55 > 0:15:57but that's where whipping boy comes from.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Is there an official title? There are titles like Silver Stick-in-Waiting.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02This could be Crimson Bottom.
0:16:03 > 0:16:08Gentleman of the stool was an existing one, as you know.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11It was the one who had to wipe the King's bottom under Henry VIII.
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Can't they do anything themselves?
0:16:15 > 0:16:17They seem not to be able to.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Um, erm, yes... There is a part of...
0:16:20 > 0:16:22LAUGHTER
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- I presume he'd have a long stick. - Yes, I'd assume they would.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29A stick with a rag, do it from a distance.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31LAUGHTER
0:16:31 > 0:16:33- There's a part of Germany... - Oops!
0:16:33 > 0:16:37- LAUGHTER - Sorry for all the mime.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- I've always wanted to be a mime. - LAUGHTER
0:16:39 > 0:16:42This is the only opportunity I get.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44It's more fun than walking into the wind.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46I suppose you might be, I don't know!
0:16:47 > 0:16:52In the Isle of Man, they had corporal punishment until 1976.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56What type of wood did they administer it with?
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Well, I know I'm going to get a buzz on this
0:16:58 > 0:17:00because it's normally called birching.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02KLAXON
0:17:02 > 0:17:04It doesn't matter anyway!
0:17:04 > 0:17:08So did it depend on how bad you'd been?
0:17:08 > 0:17:12If you were really bad, it was holly, and they left the leaves on,
0:17:12 > 0:17:15but if you weren't so bad, it would be like willow fronds.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- Balsa wood. - Or balsa wood.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- Hazel. Yeah, they used hazel. - Hazel.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24In Britain, birching, as it was known,
0:17:24 > 0:17:26was banned in 1948,
0:17:26 > 0:17:29but they didn't stop it until the 1970s in the Isle of Man.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34They tried to keep it by saying, "OK, what about if we let them keep their trousers on?"
0:17:34 > 0:17:36In America there is still the tradition
0:17:36 > 0:17:38in some parts of birthday spanking.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Really?
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Yeah, where you go to school and because it's your special day,
0:17:43 > 0:17:49as a special treat, the teacher takes the paddle out and you get a few.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Some people say, "We have to ban it. It's cruel."
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Others say, "No, we can't. It's a tradition."
0:17:56 > 0:17:59So they have to carry on thrashing the kids.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01Weird.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04It's like family Christmas, no-one likes it,
0:18:04 > 0:18:07still, because it's a tradition, everyone has to go through it.
0:18:07 > 0:18:09LAUGHTER
0:18:09 > 0:18:13We get the idea of bringing a tree in for Christmas, that's a German idea.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16Yeah, I don't know. Did we invent Christmas?
0:18:16 > 0:18:18A lot of elements of it.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21I say, come on. Either we invented it or we didn't.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24It's like that terrible joke, I'm sure you must have been told,
0:18:24 > 0:18:28about the couple who adopt a German baby.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30- HENNING LAUGHS - You know it. You must know it.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Is there only one joke that involves a German baby?
0:18:33 > 0:18:35LAUGHTER
0:18:35 > 0:18:39It doesn't speak. Is that the one where he doesn't speak until he's about five?
0:18:39 > 0:18:42They take him to be tested.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- Want me to say the punchline? - They think, "Is he stupid? Deaf and dumb?"
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Everything functioning normally. He's fine.
0:18:47 > 0:18:50ALAN AND HENNING TOGETHER: Then one day...
0:18:50 > 0:18:52- We're all going to say it together! - LAUGHTER
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Go on, Alan.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Then they give him, he has some apple strudel.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01- And he says... - "This apfelstrudel is a bit tepid."
0:19:01 > 0:19:05And they say, "Wolfgang! You've never spoken before!
0:19:05 > 0:19:10"After all these years, why haven't you spoken before?" And he says...
0:19:10 > 0:19:13"Up until now, everything had been satisfactory."
0:19:13 > 0:19:15LAUGHTER
0:19:15 > 0:19:18APPLAUSE
0:19:18 > 0:19:20It's a great joke.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- Very pleasing. - Like a relay joke.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26It was.
0:19:26 > 0:19:31This is the most fun a Danish person has had with a German since 1945.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33LAUGHTER
0:19:33 > 0:19:34DON'T MENTION THE WAR BUZZER
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Oh, dear. There we go...
0:19:38 > 0:19:41The war. I mean, I have to chip in now. The war.
0:19:41 > 0:19:42The war.
0:19:42 > 0:19:46It's always World War II, it's never any of the more current ones.
0:19:46 > 0:19:51And everyone in Britain takes personal credit for Britain winning it.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Even people that weren't born at the time of World War II,
0:19:55 > 0:20:00they still take personal credit for Britain winning it.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03I'm personally a lot more annoyed by Brits that are now in their 70s
0:20:03 > 0:20:06and they bang on about how they helped win the war.
0:20:06 > 0:20:11Let's do the maths. If you're in your 70s now, how old were you at the end of World War II?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- That's true. - 10 years old?
0:20:13 > 0:20:17How did you help win the war when you were just 10 years old?
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- You did not help win the war. - By not eating bananas.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Yeah, yeah.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25You were nothing but a drain on British resources.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27LAUGHTER
0:20:27 > 0:20:29You've got to admire his guts, haven't you?
0:20:30 > 0:20:32Effectively, effectively,
0:20:32 > 0:20:37every 70-year-old Brit effectively fought on the side of Nazi Germany...
0:20:37 > 0:20:39LAUGHTER
0:20:39 > 0:20:42..and lost the war every little bit as much as we did!
0:20:42 > 0:20:46- LAUGHTER - Yes, well. Moving on.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49Manx birches were actually made from hazel wands.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51Back home to Britain, now.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54From 1875 to 1956,
0:20:54 > 0:20:58what was the next best thing to a first-class train ticket?
0:20:58 > 0:21:02- Second-class train ticket. - KLAXON
0:21:02 > 0:21:03That's the problem.
0:21:03 > 0:21:07You weren't to know, being a cursed foreigner and all.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- They went from first to third. - There was no second-class.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12But there were ladies only carriages.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- There were ladies only carriages. - That would be quite nice.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:21:17 > 0:21:21And there were no smoking carriages, but mostly there were smoking ones.
0:21:21 > 0:21:24- She's got no idea where she's going. - She hasn't!
0:21:24 > 0:21:26LAUGHTER
0:21:26 > 0:21:29How it came about was that Gladstone insisted there be
0:21:29 > 0:21:33a third-class service for poorer people and train companies hated it.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36They ran these useless services that were
0:21:36 > 0:21:38third-class only, known as Parliamentary trains.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41They were no good to anybody, just to apply the law.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45Then they had a smarter idea and they said,
0:21:45 > 0:21:49"We'll upgrade the third-class to second-class
0:21:49 > 0:21:52but call it third-class and get rid of the second-class.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55So we're obeying the law by having a third-class,
0:21:55 > 0:21:57but it'll cost what second-class used to cost.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00It's a very bizarre British solution.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03They had clever ways. How do you think they used chimney sweeps?
0:22:03 > 0:22:05- On the railway? - Yes.
0:22:05 > 0:22:08Strapped to the front of the train, keeping the rails clean.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10No, it was a very naughty trick.
0:22:10 > 0:22:12They'd sit in third-class.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16Yeah, what train companies hated were the genteel people, clerks,
0:22:16 > 0:22:21who didn't have much money but had to be well-dressed.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25What they would do is they would put chimney sweeps in
0:22:25 > 0:22:27and put soot over them so third-class carriages
0:22:27 > 0:22:32were so dirty, these people thought, "Oh, God. I've got to pay the first-class fare."
0:22:32 > 0:22:36Don't say this out loud. I'm sure Ryanair will get ideas.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38LAUGHTER
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- IRISH ACCENT: - Brilliant! We'll do the same thing!
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Or easyJet, since you're in easyJet colours.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46I'm sure it didn't happen all over,
0:22:46 > 0:22:51but these were some of the tricks they resorted to, apparently.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- Which one's Dick Van Dyke? - They're really happy, aren't they?
0:22:54 > 0:22:57They do look happy. Happy, lucky sweeps.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Now for some sporting iniquity.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03What did cricketer Thomas White invent in 1771?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05The Yorker.
0:23:05 > 0:23:09The Yorker. To hear a German say, "the Yorker" gives me great pleasure.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12- I don't know what it means. - It's a fully pitched-up ball.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16- Great to hear a German say it. - What's a googly, then?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- A googly is a... - LAUGHTER
0:23:18 > 0:23:20KLAXON
0:23:24 > 0:23:28A googly is a leg spinner's off-spin. It's disguised.
0:23:28 > 0:23:32- Comes out the back of your hand. - How does the Duckworth-Lewis method work?
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Nobody knows that! Far too complicated.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37No, he didn't invent any particular type of bowling or batting,
0:23:37 > 0:23:40but he looked at the laws of cricket
0:23:40 > 0:23:45and noted that there was a glaring omission and he thought, "Splendid."
0:23:45 > 0:23:49- Oh, the big bat! - Yes, he came up with a bat that was wider than the wicket.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53- LAUGHTER - This enormous bat.
0:23:54 > 0:23:59It was Chertsey Vs Hambledon, which is the equivalent of Surrey Vs Hampshire.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03After 1774, they incorporated a law that said a bat must be
0:24:03 > 0:24:06no wider than four and-a-half inches.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09This fellow, Thomas White, I suppose you could call him a cheat,
0:24:09 > 0:24:11but he was within the laws of the game.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14There was an American footballer, Lester Hayes.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17Does that ring any bells? Of the Oakland Raiders.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19He had such success as a catcher in the late '70s
0:24:19 > 0:24:21that he was the defensive player of the year.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24The reason was that he covered his hands
0:24:24 > 0:24:26and gloves with an adhesive called Stickum.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29LAUGHTER
0:24:29 > 0:24:31He actually admitted, he said,
0:24:31 > 0:24:34"Without Stickum I couldn't catch a cold in Antarctica."
0:24:34 > 0:24:36That's so clearly cheating. They must've spotted that.
0:24:36 > 0:24:41There wasn't a rule against it. They had to introduce one, which there now is.
0:24:41 > 0:24:46There was a jockey at Belmont in New York who, in 1923,
0:24:46 > 0:24:48died of a heart attack when on a horse and won.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50The horse won.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53Of course, the bookies didn't want to pay out.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55There was a rule that said a jockey had to be in the saddle
0:24:55 > 0:24:57but there was no rule to say he had to be alive!
0:24:57 > 0:24:59LAUGHTER
0:24:59 > 0:25:03He was a brilliant jockey if he clung on even though he was dead!
0:25:03 > 0:25:06- Exactly! Pretty amazing. - Keep going!
0:25:06 > 0:25:08The lucky punters were paid out.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11And so to that part of the show that's always
0:25:11 > 0:25:13unfair at the very best of times, General Ignorance.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17Fingers on buzzers, if you would. Here is the Old Bailey.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20What is the statue of Justice on top looking at?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24BUZZER Nothing.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- Why's that? - She's blindfolded.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29KLAXON
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- No, she's not.- She's not?
0:25:31 > 0:25:34No, you can see, there. No blindfold.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37That particular statue is not blindfolded, but sometimes it is.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39People often at the Old Bailey would say,
0:25:39 > 0:25:41"Members of the jury, if you look up...
0:25:41 > 0:25:43"Blindfolded..."
0:25:43 > 0:25:47People would go, "He wasn't even telling the truth about that!"
0:25:47 > 0:25:49There are many statues of Lady Justice,
0:25:49 > 0:25:53some of which are blindfolded and some of which aren't.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Why did lepers start carrying bells?
0:25:57 > 0:26:01- DON'T MENTION THE WAR BUZZER - I forgot about that.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03LAUGHTER We haven't!
0:26:03 > 0:26:05LAUGHTER
0:26:06 > 0:26:10I don't know. Probably it wasn't their choice to wear the bells.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12Probably it was more the other people telling them
0:26:12 > 0:26:15to wear bells so they could escape.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17- KLAXON - As a warning, you mean.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19No, to keep people away.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22It was to attract people to give them alms.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Not arms in that sense. To give them money.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27"I've lost my arms, please give me some alms."
0:26:27 > 0:26:30- No, to give them money. - Come here and give me money.
0:26:30 > 0:26:35After the Black Death and the extraordinary decimation of the population in Europe,
0:26:35 > 0:26:39sickness become something people were much more worried about.
0:26:39 > 0:26:43Then the bells were used as a warning, but they were originally used to attract people.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46People were not that frightened of lepers, and for good reason.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49Leprosy is nothing like as infectious as people think it is.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53For a start, 90% of the human race is immune to it.
0:26:53 > 0:26:58Most of us are unlikely to catch it, even if we were to lick a leper.
0:26:58 > 0:27:02LAUGHTER Now, there's a game show!
0:27:04 > 0:27:08Why do I see Noel Edmonds presenting that?
0:27:10 > 0:27:13Wish is father of the thought.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17It's quite hard to catch, it's nothing like the jokes of bits falling off and so on.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20You can get nerve damage which, if not attended to,
0:27:20 > 0:27:23can lead to necrosis of the ends of the fingers,
0:27:23 > 0:27:27but the idea that bits fall off you is good for jokes but not true.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Unpleasant jokes.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Never let the truth stand in the way of a mediocre joke.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36Exactly. A mediocre joke, exactly right.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Which of you has the fewest hairs on your head?
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Well, may I just volunteer myself?
0:27:43 > 0:27:46So it's me. I'm going to lose 10 points.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48KLAXON
0:27:48 > 0:27:50And even more hair, being annoyed about that.
0:27:50 > 0:27:53It's one of the strange things.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55There's a splendid man called Dr George Cotsarelis
0:27:55 > 0:27:59at the department of dermatology at the University of Pennsylvania.
0:27:59 > 0:28:04He has determined that actually, you have the same number of hairs on the scalp as everyone else.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08It's just some of them are only visible under a microscope.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11So that's roughly like not having them, really.
0:28:11 > 0:28:12- LAUGHTER - No!
0:28:12 > 0:28:16By the same token, humans may look less hairy than chimpanzees,
0:28:16 > 0:28:20but we've the same number of hair follicles, about five million,
0:28:20 > 0:28:23on our bodies as chimpanzees.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25And so we come to the scores.
0:28:25 > 0:28:30These are very interesting, and it would be very unfair of me not to share them with you.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33- So, that's all from Sandi, Henning, Clive, Alan and me. - LAUGHTER
0:28:33 > 0:28:35Because, as William Goldman said,
0:28:35 > 0:28:38"Life isn't fair, it's just fairer than death."
0:28:38 > 0:28:40That's all. Goodnight.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42APPLAUSE
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:44 > 0:28:46E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk