0:00:23 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening!
0:00:33 > 0:00:38And welcome to QI and my breeziest and most patronising bedside manner
0:00:38 > 0:00:42for a show that's all about illness, infection and injury.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46Joining me in Casualty are the slightly indisposed
0:00:46 > 0:00:48- Andy Hamilton. - APPLAUSE
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Thank you, thank you.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55- The disturbingly insidious Ben Goldacre... - APPLAUSE
0:00:59 > 0:01:02The seriously infectious Jo Brand...
0:01:02 > 0:01:04APPLAUSE
0:01:06 > 0:01:09And the terminally ill-informed Alan Davies.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:01:14 > 0:01:18And, to tell you the truth, their buzzers don't sound so hot either. Andy goes...
0:01:19 > 0:01:22COUGHING
0:01:22 > 0:01:24- Ben goes... - A-CHOO!
0:01:25 > 0:01:28- Jo goes... - AMBULANCE SIREN
0:01:28 > 0:01:32- And Alan goes... - THE DEATH MARCH
0:01:32 > 0:01:37- LAUGHTER - Oh, dear!
0:01:37 > 0:01:43And don't forget, of course, that you have your Nobody Knows Jokers.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46TRUMPET BLAST Nobody knows!
0:01:46 > 0:01:50In this series there may well be a question to which the real answer is nobody knows,
0:01:50 > 0:01:55and if you can guess which question that is, you get extra points for playing your Nobody Knows Jokers.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Now, why would you swallow a pill made of a poisonous metalloid?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- AMBULANCE SIREN - Yes?
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Would it be because you got really pissed one night,
0:02:05 > 0:02:10and then you woke up the next morning and realised you were next to Michael Winner in bed?
0:02:14 > 0:02:17Well, oddly enough, until you got to that last point,
0:02:17 > 0:02:22one of the uses of that poisonous metalloid was as a morning-after pill.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25But its other use was for the other end of the body.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29A metalloid called antimony, and it's a poison.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33But it was popular in the Middle Ages as a pill because it was very good for constipation.
0:02:33 > 0:02:38The weird thing about it is you would make a pill of antimony, it would pass through the body...
0:02:38 > 0:02:45You would then rummage through your leavings and wash it and use it again.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48"Rummage through your leavings"!
0:02:50 > 0:02:55- I wasn't quite sure how to put it. - I'm certainly going to use that again!
0:02:55 > 0:03:00- I like that one a lot. - And this would get handed on from father to son through generations.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04- And they'd use the same one? - Because it's a rare...
0:03:04 > 0:03:06A father's leavings and his father's leavings...
0:03:06 > 0:03:09This ball has been up your great-grandfather!
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- And that's the earliest example of a repeat prescription.- Yes!
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- Very good.- 600 years!
0:03:16 > 0:03:24Absolutely. The other use of it was an antimony cup where you would pour wine into it overnight,
0:03:24 > 0:03:25when you'd had a large evening,
0:03:25 > 0:03:30and in the morning you'd take the wine that had been soaked in this antimony cup, as it were,
0:03:30 > 0:03:33and it would make you vomit instantly, so it was used as an emetic.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37- So what is it? It's a naturally occurring thing? - Yes, it's an element.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39And it's an irritant, presumably?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42There's a mnemonic for remembering laxatives
0:03:42 > 0:03:48which is they're bulkers, lubricants, irritants, softeners and explosives.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52And explosives would work like cholera.
0:03:52 > 0:03:57You would stick them up your bum. Technical.
0:03:57 > 0:04:00Or suppositories, as we comedians say.
0:04:00 > 0:04:04- So that's for a really serious case of being stuffed up?- Yeah.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08- A proper phosphate enema, rocket fuel.- Wow!
0:04:08 > 0:04:10On a skateboard.
0:04:10 > 0:04:16In Ancient Egypt, there was a doctor whose specialised function was to administer enemas to the pharaoh.
0:04:16 > 0:04:21He was known as the "neru phuyt", which literally translates as "shepherd of the anus".
0:04:21 > 0:04:25- LAUGHTER - An official job. - With the crook, you mean?
0:04:28 > 0:04:33Obviously not a natural thing. Animals don't pump warm water up their arses, do they?
0:04:33 > 0:04:37I mean, it doesn't seem to happen in nature in way that we know of.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40- How did it come about? - They are very popular with quacks.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43I think there's something quite attractive about how transgressive it is
0:04:43 > 0:04:45to squirt a lot of something up your bum
0:04:45 > 0:04:48that makes pretend doctors feel like real doctors.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53- But there was a guy, John Harvey Kellogg, the man behind Corn Flakes...- The Road To Wellville.
0:04:53 > 0:04:58Yeah, yeah. He had this big kind of quack clinic that he ran
0:04:58 > 0:05:03where the moment that you arrived you had to make a visit to a man called the Rear Admiral who would...
0:05:03 > 0:05:09bend you over and fill you with fresh yogurt and then you would poo that out,
0:05:09 > 0:05:14- and then you'd be ready to quack on with your detox.- And they would deal with your thrush at the same time.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17What time's this show going out? LAUGHTER
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Will people be eating?
0:05:19 > 0:05:26Well, I mean, almost the most kind of basic fact about us all is that we poo.
0:05:26 > 0:05:31And also that we are, as we age supposedly, we get more obsessed by it.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34It's all you've got left, really. isn't it?
0:05:34 > 0:05:39And there are stories of nurses who get sent stools by grateful patients. You've heard those?
0:05:39 > 0:05:41They're not necessarily grateful.
0:05:46 > 0:05:53Weirdly, I've no idea why, but that habit has followed me through into my comedy career as well!
0:05:55 > 0:06:01There was a chap recently who tried to kill somebody by... He packed his anus with explosives,
0:06:01 > 0:06:05and it was a Middle East prince, I can't remember which one, but he showed up...
0:06:05 > 0:06:08His plan was shake the guy by the hand and then trigger it,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11but, unfortunately, the body is very good at absorbing explosives.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15That's why you have heroic acts with people jumping on to hand grenades and stuff.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18So all that happened was he shook this prince by the hand
0:06:18 > 0:06:23and the bomb went off and he just bumped up in the air slightly and then fell on to his knees,
0:06:23 > 0:06:27and the prince, like any sort of royal, just went, "Very good!"
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Oh, dear, oh, dear! Well, that's antimony.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39As I said, antimony pills were quite literally passed down through the family.
0:06:39 > 0:06:45Now, placebos. Placebos are often administered in the shape of sugar pills.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48The question is how do they work?
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- Very good! - TRUMPET BLAST Nobody knows!
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Now, you might want to question this, Ben.
0:06:55 > 0:06:59APPLAUSE
0:06:59 > 0:07:05- Well, they do work, but nobody quite knows why.- What's extraordinary is not only do they work,
0:07:05 > 0:07:10they work even when you tell someone it's a placebo.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14- I mean, you obviously have studied the placebo effect more than most. - Mm-hm. It's amazing.
0:07:14 > 0:07:19I think the magic ingredient of the sugar pills is... it's belief and expectation.
0:07:19 > 0:07:23So, for example, we know that four sugar pills a day are a more effective treatment
0:07:23 > 0:07:29- than two sugar pills a day.- Yes.- And we know that a saltwater injection is a more effective treatment
0:07:29 > 0:07:34than taking a sugar pill, not because the saltwater injection or a sugar pill does anything
0:07:34 > 0:07:38physically to your body, but just because an injection feels like a much more dramatic...
0:07:38 > 0:07:42Is it something to do with you just feel you're being taken care of?
0:07:42 > 0:07:50- Some part of your body yields to the authority of an injection, even more than to a pill?- Yeah...
0:07:50 > 0:07:55- you know, pacemakers start working before they've been switched on. - Yes.
0:07:55 > 0:08:00I've heard this. Or knee surgery as well. They've cut people's knees open and then sewn them up,
0:08:00 > 0:08:04and they've said they feel better even though they've not actually done anything.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06That's kind of why it's important to do proper trials.
0:08:06 > 0:08:10Otherwise you'd be running around thinking that it was worth cutting people open
0:08:10 > 0:08:14and messing around with their heart, and actually it wasn't, it was just...
0:08:14 > 0:08:19The intervention, the almost priest-like nature of the doctor, the faith that is reposed in them,
0:08:19 > 0:08:22obviously that goes some way, I suppose, to explaining homeopathy,
0:08:22 > 0:08:27because a homeopathic pill is as inert as a sugar pill, in fact.
0:08:27 > 0:08:32But as Andy rightly said nobody really knows quite how the placebos work, but work they jolly well do!
0:08:32 > 0:08:40What kind of condition that astronauts suffer from is measured by the Garn scale?
0:08:40 > 0:08:43Garn is what Steptoe used to say a lot! "Go orn!"
0:08:43 > 0:08:49Eilza Doolittle says "garn" as well, doesn't she? Yeah...it's named after Senator Garn who was...
0:08:49 > 0:08:52a senator who became an astronaut.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- He suffered very particularly from what most astronauts suffer from. - Depression?
0:08:55 > 0:08:59No, seasickness, or at least travel sickness.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01It's really, really bad up there, apparently.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03There's a lot of vomming.
0:09:03 > 0:09:09- Which is not nice in weightlessness. - Drifting around the cabin!
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- Oh!- In fact...
0:09:13 > 0:09:17They can't do that, they've got a helmet on. It'd have to be...
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Yeah.
0:09:20 > 0:09:2447% of all the medication used by the shuttle astronauts were seasickness tablets.
0:09:24 > 0:09:29The sickest was Jake Garn in '85, and so after him they used the Garn scale.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33A score of 1 Garn means you are completely incapacitated by sickness up there.
0:09:33 > 0:09:37- It's the right word, cos it sounds like someone chucking up.- Garn! - It does.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40Do you know what causes seasickness, for example?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42Is it going up and down on the sea?
0:09:42 > 0:09:43Yes...
0:09:43 > 0:09:46that's the condition in which it happens.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- Oh, you mean physically causes it? - Why does it make one sick?
0:09:49 > 0:09:53Sometimes I've felt unwell on a ship just from the throbbing of the engines,
0:09:53 > 0:09:55not even the boat moving about much.
0:09:55 > 0:10:01Some sensation that's making this constant movement, it starts to make things come up.
0:10:01 > 0:10:07- It's a disconnect between the visual information and the sort of balance information, isn't it?- That's right.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11- I'm at half a Garn at the moment. - Are you? Just from looking at that...?- I know!
0:10:11 > 0:10:16- It is!- Watch the horizon! - Why don't birds get it when they're bobbing about on the surface?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- They never throw up.- How do you know they don't?- That's true.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Or of course maybe they've just evolved not to.
0:10:22 > 0:10:27The bad things to do are going below deck for a long time, reading a book, looking at a compass,
0:10:27 > 0:10:30doing detailed work or staring at one point.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34It's helpful to stay in the fresh air, drink plenty of water, avoid fatty and spicy foods...
0:10:34 > 0:10:38They say that for everything! Everything!
0:10:38 > 0:10:43You can't move for advice now. You turn on 5 Live and someone's always telling you,
0:10:43 > 0:10:47"Well, we've got an expert in because it's sunny today. What do you think we should do?"
0:10:47 > 0:10:50"Well, you want to watch out because you can get sunburn.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54"Apply a cream or wear a hat." Are they seriously saying this on the radio?
0:10:54 > 0:10:58- What are you doing? - And do avoid fatty and spicy foods!
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- Don't jump out of the window if you're on the tenth floor. - Absolutely.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- That must be from the film The Perfect Storm.- It looks like a film.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09That would be an exceptionally good photograph from another boat!
0:11:09 > 0:11:11That's such a good point!
0:11:14 > 0:11:16How did you hold that so still?
0:11:17 > 0:11:23Anyway, yeah, that's the Garn scale. Almost half of all astronauts suffer from space sickness, it seems.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25What is intelligent falling?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28- AMBULANCE SIREN - Jo Brand.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Is it when you see Michael Winner coming towards you...
0:11:32 > 0:11:36and you deliberately trip so you can avoid him?
0:11:38 > 0:11:42That would be intelligent falling!
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- APPLAUSE - Very good!
0:11:44 > 0:11:48- You've really got it in for the Winster, haven't you?- I have.- Yeah.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52Is it cos he's not returning your calls, is that what it is?
0:11:52 > 0:11:54He won't take me out to dinner!
0:11:56 > 0:12:00Is intelligent falling what Ronaldo does in the penalty area? Is that it?
0:12:00 > 0:12:05No, it's a kind of way of trying to demonstrate what scientists mean by theory.
0:12:05 > 0:12:10Because, as you probably know, they have in America this idea
0:12:10 > 0:12:15that it's equivalent to teach intelligent design as it is to teach the theory of evolution,
0:12:15 > 0:12:20because they say, "Well, the theory of evolution is only a theory,
0:12:20 > 0:12:25"so why can't we suggest our theory?" which is a misunderstanding of what a scientist means by theory.
0:12:25 > 0:12:30- You've lost me.- Yeah, well, you've heard of the theory of evolution? - Yeah.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- And you've heard of intelligent design?- No.- Ah! Well, in America,
0:12:33 > 0:12:39religious people who decide that evolution is contrary to what the Bible says about the Creation,
0:12:39 > 0:12:46they want children to believe that all creation was made by an intelligent being, ie, God.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48And designed by some something.
0:12:48 > 0:12:52- And their name for it, rather than just saying, "Just believe the Bible," is intelligent design.- OK.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56"It's a theory of evolution, so why can't we have a theory of intelligent design?"
0:12:56 > 0:12:59And they can both be taught in the same way.
0:12:59 > 0:13:04All I'm getting at is that theory has a rather specific meaning in science. It's not the same as guess.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06It's not even the same as hypothesis.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08This is what the OED calls a theory.
0:13:08 > 0:13:15"A statement of what are held to be general laws, principles or causes of something known or observed",
0:13:15 > 0:13:17ie, that's not a guess.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21The theory of evolution, as far as any biologist or zoologist would say, is true.
0:13:21 > 0:13:27- I mean, it is supported by facts. - So what is intelligent falling?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30Intelligent falling is saying, "Well, Newton had a theory of gravity,
0:13:30 > 0:13:36"but it was overturned by Einstein's theory of gravity, so why can't we suggest our theory?"
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- which is intelligent falling. - Isn't the point partly
0:13:39 > 0:13:42that different theories are supported by different amounts of evidence?
0:13:42 > 0:13:47For example, David Icke has a theory that the Royal Family are all seven-foot green lizards
0:13:47 > 0:13:52in six-foot human skin suits, and he doesn't have a lot of evidence for that theory.
0:13:52 > 0:13:57- He doesn't, does he? - Whereas evolution is supported by a lot of evidence.
0:13:57 > 0:14:03And if you want to question a theory then you should do so by challenging its evidence,
0:14:03 > 0:14:08- rather than by...- Exactly. - Intelligent design believers in America,
0:14:08 > 0:14:13- what do they think they put in their cars?- It is a problem. It's a hard position to be a fundamentalist.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17On the one hand you have to forgive people, on the other you have to take their eye out...
0:14:17 > 0:14:22Bit difficult to know which one you're supposed to do at any one moment.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24- Well, if Michael Winner's around... - Yes.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28..I should make a decision!
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I've got this fantasy of Michael Winner sitting down, saying, "Oh, it's Friday!
0:14:31 > 0:14:37"What shall I do? I know! I'll watch QI. Jo Brand's on. She's my favourite!"
0:14:39 > 0:14:45- And his disappointment when he sees you being so...- He won't be disappointed.- No, perhaps he won't.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49So there we are. The fact is, evolution and gravity may be theories,
0:14:49 > 0:14:54but they work perfectly well in practice. Who was the last British monarch to be deliberately killed?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Was it one of the ones who got beheaded?
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Er...no.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01LAUGHTER Worth trying.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05- You avoided saying Charles I whom most people think... - I couldn't bloody remember him!
0:15:07 > 0:15:13- It happened in Norfolk, so where would that likely be if it was a monarch?- Sandringham.- Sandringham.
0:15:13 > 0:15:17- It was the Queen's dad. - No, not the Queen's dad, the Queen's grandfather.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20This is King George V who was the grandfather of our current monarch.
0:15:20 > 0:15:25There he is, looking spookily like his cousin Nicholas Tsar Alexander.
0:15:25 > 0:15:30It's an attested story by the man who did it. It's extraordinary that it isn't better known, really.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33In 1936, he was at Sandringham, feeling unwell.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36On 15 January he retired to his bedroom.
0:15:36 > 0:15:40By the 20th, he was comatose and clearly dying, but still clinging to life.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44This presented his doctor, a man called Lord Dawson, with a bit of a problem.
0:15:44 > 0:15:49In Dawson's opinion, the world at large would be better served by hearing of the King's death
0:15:49 > 0:15:51in the morning papers,
0:15:51 > 0:15:54rather than by him lingering on a little bit longer
0:15:54 > 0:15:58and it being in what he sniffily referred to as "the evening journals".
0:15:58 > 0:16:01So he decided to force the issue.
0:16:01 > 0:16:06He wrote a very famous bulletin on the back of a menu card which was telephoned to the BBC.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10"The life of the King is moving peacefully to its close."
0:16:10 > 0:16:15He then went up to the bedroom, and this, according to his own diary, is what he did.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18"I therefore decided to determine the end
0:16:18 > 0:16:22"and injected morphia, three-quarters of a grain,
0:16:22 > 0:16:25"and shortly afterwards cocaine, 1 grain..."
0:16:25 > 0:16:30- Lucky old King! - "..Into the distended jugular vein.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34"I did it myself because it was obvious that Sister B, the King's nurse,
0:16:34 > 0:16:36"was disturbed by the procedure."
0:16:36 > 0:16:38LAUGHTER
0:16:38 > 0:16:40"So I injected Sister B as well."
0:16:42 > 0:16:46Essentially, isn't that what a speedball is? He's basically gone the same way as John Belushi!
0:16:46 > 0:16:50It's... He gave him a speedball of morphia and cocaine.
0:16:50 > 0:16:56- And he told the family, did he? - Well, he wrote it in his diary and this was reve4aled in 1986.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- Treason? - Well, it was quite extraordinary.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02And the weird thing is, being a Lord, he was in the House of Lords,
0:17:02 > 0:17:07not long afterwards he voted against euthanasia in a euthanasia debate.
0:17:07 > 0:17:12He said, "I'm not opposed to euthanasia per se..." Having just killed the King, not surprising.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15"I just felt it should be left to the discretion of doctors...
0:17:15 > 0:17:21- "not anybody else." There we are. - Or a doctor.- "Or myself."
0:17:21 > 0:17:26Now for a bizarre illness. What would you call a man who eats literally everything?
0:17:26 > 0:17:27AMBULANCE SIREN
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Winner.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34HOOTER
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Gotcha!
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Oh, no!
0:17:39 > 0:17:46- Everything? Like pens and paperclips and lifebelts...?- Yes, basically. Polyphagism, also known as pica.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49"An excessive appetite, often for non-nutritious substances,
0:17:49 > 0:17:54"coal, clay, chalk, nuts, bolts, batteries, soil and so on".
0:17:54 > 0:17:57It's a very exaggerated version of what can sometimes happen in pregnancy.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Did you get any weird appetites when you were pregnant?
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Yeah, I ate a bit less.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Some animals suffer from it.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07In horses, it's called depraved appetite,
0:18:07 > 0:18:10but the most extreme example we could come across was a man called Tarrare,
0:18:10 > 0:18:13a Frenchman in the late-18th century, he only lived a shortish life.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17He was abandoned by his family as a child because they couldn't afford the food that he ate.
0:18:17 > 0:18:22After working as a street entertainer swallowing stones and live animals,
0:18:22 > 0:18:27be became a soldier, and they decided to test his appetite, and he obliged,
0:18:27 > 0:18:31and he ate a meal intended for 15 people in a single sitting.
0:18:31 > 0:18:37He tore apart and ate, without chewing, live cats, snakes, lizards and puppies...
0:18:37 > 0:18:42and so they thought maybe he'd be a useful spy so they gave him things to swallow to go behind enemy...
0:18:42 > 0:18:46- They were at war with Prussia. But he was caught first time... - "He'd be a good spy"?
0:18:46 > 0:18:53- He'd rather draw attention to himself!- Well, no... - Eating everything!
0:18:53 > 0:18:56They thought he could just swallow some box with military secrets in it, basically.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59So when he was searched he would have nothing. That was their theory.
0:18:59 > 0:19:05So he was then put on a diet in a military hospital and he would scavenge offal in gutters,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08he would escape from the hospital, in rubbish heaps outside butcher's...
0:19:08 > 0:19:12- Did they put offal in gutters? - Yes, and outside butcher's shops.
0:19:12 > 0:19:17- Oh, I see.- Bits of guts.- Someone went "I don't like the look of that liver," and chucked it away.- Exactly.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21And he attempted to drink the blood of other patients and eat the corpses in the hospital morgue.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26You know who's like that, don't you?
0:19:26 > 0:19:29LAUGHTER I don't even need to say it any more, do I?
0:19:29 > 0:19:35Anyway, he was eventually ejected from the hospital under suspicion of having eaten a toddler.
0:19:35 > 0:19:40- And then he died...- Eating a what? - A toddler, a little baby, a child, an infant, yes...
0:19:40 > 0:19:42which is against the law in France.
0:19:42 > 0:19:47Yeah, they're picky, the French, with their laws, aren't they?
0:19:47 > 0:19:48They had to draw the line somewhere.
0:19:48 > 0:19:53They did an autopsy. He had a belly so loose, he could wrap the loose folds of skin around his waist.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56He sweated constantly and stank to such a degree
0:19:56 > 0:19:58that he could not be endured within a distance of 20 paces.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02At table his eyes would become bloodshot and a visible vapour...
0:20:02 > 0:20:05I'm becoming increasingly attracted to him.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09..A visible vapour would rise from his body when he ate.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14- Bloody marvellous!- Surely somebody's got to make a film about this man!
0:20:14 > 0:20:19He didn't gain weight or vomit and he seemed perfectly sane.
0:20:19 > 0:20:24- He didn't gain weight?- No. - On the eat-everything diet, he didn't gain weight?
0:20:24 > 0:20:27If you've got a whole cat and a dog inside, they probably eat everything else.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31- Yes, that's true, like the little old lady who swallowed the fly. - There was a diet pill like that
0:20:31 > 0:20:36- where people would eat...- The tapeworm.- The tapeworm egg, and wait until they got to their ideal weight
0:20:36 > 0:20:40and then they'd take the Helminticide that would kill the tapeworm, and poo out the worm,
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- and then get on nicely slim. - I wish they still made that.
0:20:44 > 0:20:48His autopsy, you'll be pleased to know, also revealed an enlarged liver and gall bladder,
0:20:48 > 0:20:51an enormous stomach covered in ulcers and oozing puss.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53So that's nice!
0:20:53 > 0:20:58So now drop your trousers, it's time for a dose of general ignorance! Fingers on beepers, please!
0:20:58 > 0:21:02Why shouldn't you sleep with a dog?
0:21:02 > 0:21:03COUGHING
0:21:03 > 0:21:06He won't respect you in the morning, will he?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09It's against the law, isn't it?
0:21:09 > 0:21:13I don't know, I don't mean sleep with it in the sexual sense, I mean share a bed with.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15I'm afraid it's really terribly unhealthy.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19Quite a lot of plague, amazingly, good old bubonic plague,
0:21:19 > 0:21:24- especially in the Southern states of America...- Not in this country, surely?- Not at the moment.
0:21:24 > 0:21:29- We seem to be OK in this country. - Where dogs are wearing those anti-plague hats!
0:21:31 > 0:21:36Can I just say a propos of nothing, what hideous pillowcases!
0:21:36 > 0:21:37They are, aren't they?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Is it a book from the '70s that picture?
0:21:40 > 0:21:43I bet they're that kind of brushed nylon where you can catch your fingernails on it!
0:21:43 > 0:21:49Actually, the diseases you get off animals are often worse than the diseases you get off people,
0:21:49 > 0:21:56because diseases that live in humans can't kill you off instantly and universally,
0:21:56 > 0:21:59cos otherwise the disease would die out and they need you to carry on
0:21:59 > 0:22:00going to work and sneezing on the bus
0:22:00 > 0:22:05and scratching your arse and preparing food and all the other things you do to transmit stuff.
0:22:05 > 0:22:11But something that lives on a dog, it doesn't care if it kills off a dead-end host like a human.
0:22:11 > 0:22:16- That's not what it's bred to... It's not part of its normal life cycle. - That's not how it gets around.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Anyway, letting dogs and cats share your bed can cause all manner of problems,
0:22:19 > 0:22:23so now I'm having a panic attack... What do you recommend?
0:22:23 > 0:22:24AMBULANCE SIREN
0:22:24 > 0:22:26- Yes?- A paper bag...
0:22:26 > 0:22:29HOOTER
0:22:29 > 0:22:31Yes...good old paper bag.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- No, no longer. - Is that not recommended any more? - No, it isn't. No.
0:22:34 > 0:22:39- Nor indeed the other standby, take a deep breath. Both of those are now...- Pull yourself together.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43Pull yourself together's probably OK. I think we could manage that.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46- "Doctor, I think I'm a pair of curtains." - "Slap her, she's hysterical."
0:22:46 > 0:22:52- That's a fine one. She had, I think...- She had good reason to be hysterical.- Yes, she did.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55Jack was not behaving normally, was he? He was being a little odd.
0:22:55 > 0:23:00No, there's a new treatment called capnometry-assisted respiratory training, or CART,
0:23:00 > 0:23:03which encourages people to take shallow breaths rather than deep breaths.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06You want to avoid blowing off too much carbon dioxide, don't you?
0:23:06 > 0:23:10Yeah, that's the thing. It's because you're hyperventilating, apparently,
0:23:10 > 0:23:12you're getting rid of too much CO2, and the idea was...
0:23:12 > 0:23:16that if you do it in the bag, you're breathing back in the CO2,
0:23:16 > 0:23:21but apparently this is now not considered a very good idea, it's dangerous and should be retired,
0:23:21 > 0:23:26- is current medical opinion.- Quite hard to find a paper bag, isn't it? - I'm going to try it on Winner!
0:23:26 > 0:23:30And avoid, if you can, fatty and spicy foods.
0:23:31 > 0:23:38So, now...if you want to wash the bacteria off your hands, what temperature should the water be?
0:23:38 > 0:23:42For killing bacteria... it would need to be 30...40...
0:23:42 > 0:23:47Well, the point is, in order to kill the bacteria, the water would have to be too hot for you to bear it.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- Too hot to touch.- It would have to be about 80 degrees centigrade.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53It's nothing to do with the temperature, it is to do with... you would know as a doctor...
0:23:53 > 0:23:58- it's actually the vigourness of the scrubbing action.- Actually, for proper infection control,
0:23:58 > 0:24:02- we should all be naked below the elbow.- Oh, really? Short sleeves is the answer?
0:24:02 > 0:24:07- Yeah, yeah.- Which you do see now with some doctors, I've noticed that.- Mmm.- Is that now the norm?
0:24:07 > 0:24:12- Well, it's...- That's interesting.- I like those taps they have, you know, the elbow taps.- Yes, that's it.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14I'd like to get them for at home.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Do above all avoid fatty and spicy foods. Now...
0:24:20 > 0:24:25how many portions of fruit and veg should you eat each day?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Now, in Japan, they say nine...
0:24:27 > 0:24:31- I think...- It's different all over the world, it seems.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33The five has been chosen in Britain
0:24:33 > 0:24:38basically because they think that's the most they can persuade the British to eat!
0:24:38 > 0:24:43- We are most reluctant to eat anything...- There's no way they'll eat anything green.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45It tastes repulsive to us.
0:24:45 > 0:24:50Denmark says six, France ten, Canada, it's between five and ten...
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- Somebody just went, "Eurgh!" - Oh, really, the idea!
0:24:53 > 0:24:56In Scotland, it's one.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59I know.
0:24:59 > 0:25:05- And supposedly it's seven for women...- It depends what counts. - Exactly, Haribos count in Scotland.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Wine gums, things like that.
0:25:08 > 0:25:11That's a vegetable! Starmix, Haribos...
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- SCOTTISH ACCENT: - I had a bag of Dolly Mixtures!
0:25:14 > 0:25:18And lastly here's something every teenaged boy should know.
0:25:18 > 0:25:22What is that burns when you set fire to your farts?
0:25:23 > 0:25:26You want someone to say methane, don't you?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28I'll say it! Methane! COUGHING
0:25:28 > 0:25:31- Thank you, Andy! - HOOTER
0:25:31 > 0:25:37Everybody thinks it's methane. No, most human beings do not produce methane in their extrusions.
0:25:37 > 0:25:45- It seems that we produce about three pints of wind a day...- Pints? - Yes, pints, it's measured in pints.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49..Released in 10-15 individual "episodes".
0:25:51 > 0:25:53You can get the boxed set as well!
0:25:56 > 0:25:58The best...
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Or you can have a feature-length version!
0:26:04 > 0:26:07So pyro flatulence is the practice of igniting these episodes.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10It can lead to serious burns, so don't try it at home, everybody.
0:26:10 > 0:26:14But methane in the body results from microbes called methanogens,
0:26:14 > 0:26:18but only about a third of humans have methanogens among their gut flora,
0:26:18 > 0:26:21so no-one knows exactly why. It seems to be genetically determined.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25A 2009 study by Arizona State University showed that methane producers
0:26:25 > 0:26:29are more efficient at converting their undigested food into fat reserves,
0:26:29 > 0:26:32which, bluntly put, means fat people fart more.
0:26:32 > 0:26:35The major components of flatus...
0:26:37 > 0:26:40The major components are all odourless.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44The distinctive aroma is caused by skatole, indole and hydrogen sulphide.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48During the Great Plague of London, doctors recommended patients store their farts in a jar
0:26:48 > 0:26:53and then, when they were feeling unwell, smell them, and apparently this would help.
0:26:53 > 0:27:00- Anyway, it's usually hydrogen in fact that's lit.- As I always say, better out than in!- Definitely!
0:27:00 > 0:27:03A bit like Simon Cowell in a lifeboat! Er...
0:27:03 > 0:27:07APPLAUSE
0:27:07 > 0:27:10And now the complications set in as we look at the final scores.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12It's very exciting,
0:27:12 > 0:27:15because in first place with a very positive
0:27:15 > 0:27:18and a very thrillingly impressive 8 points is Andy Hamilton!
0:27:18 > 0:27:22APPLAUSE Oh...that's not happened before!
0:27:23 > 0:27:24And in...
0:27:24 > 0:27:30in second place with 5 points is Dr Ben Goldacre!
0:27:30 > 0:27:33APPLAUSE
0:27:33 > 0:27:38But by no means the sickest patient on the ward with only minus 7
0:27:38 > 0:27:42- is Alan Davies!- Oh, no! APPLAUSE
0:27:42 > 0:27:43I'm afraid...
0:27:43 > 0:27:48it's get the mortuary trolley ready, at minus 24, it's Jo Brand!
0:27:48 > 0:27:51APPLAUSE
0:27:55 > 0:28:01Well, that's all from us tonight. So it's good night from Ben, Andy, Jo, Alan and me.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03And I leave you with this heart-warming tale from America.
0:28:03 > 0:28:08In 1981, the Mayor of Springfield, Illinois, suffered a heart attack during a council meeting.
0:28:08 > 0:28:15The council voted to wish him a speedy recovery by a margin of 19 votes to 18. Good night.
0:28:28 > 0:28:32Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:28:32 > 0:28:36E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk