0:00:23 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Gooooood evening,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening
0:00:38 > 0:00:42and welcome to an episode of QI that is jam-packed with J words.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Joining me to joust and jostle
0:00:44 > 0:00:48in tonight's J-themed jamboree are the jazzy Bill Bailey...
0:00:48 > 0:00:51APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:56..the jest-propelled Jimmy Carr...
0:00:56 > 0:00:58APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:04..the jasmine-scented Victoria Coren...
0:01:04 > 0:01:07APPLAUSE
0:01:09 > 0:01:12..and that jolly jackanapes Alan Davies.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15APPLAUSE
0:01:18 > 0:01:24We have fantastically obscure and recondite J buzzers.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Bill goes...
0:01:25 > 0:01:28STRING MUSIC
0:01:28 > 0:01:31- That's a jarana. - Oh, it's jarana, yes.
0:01:31 > 0:01:32It's a Mexican percussive...
0:01:32 > 0:01:35Yes, you strum it. With a "J"... (PRONOUNCED "H")
0:01:35 > 0:01:37Exactly. Victoria goes...
0:01:37 > 0:01:41STRING MUSIC
0:01:41 > 0:01:45That's a Finnish instrument called a jouhikko.
0:01:45 > 0:01:46And Jimmy goes...
0:01:46 > 0:01:48I don't imagine I'll get this.
0:01:48 > 0:01:51STRING MUSIC
0:01:51 > 0:01:52Good.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54LAUGHTER
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Correct. Well, I think we both know. Tell them.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59It's actually a Russian instrument. It's a jalalaika.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Finally, Alan goes...
0:02:02 > 0:02:03BOING!
0:02:03 > 0:02:04LAUGHTER
0:02:04 > 0:02:05- Jewish harp.- It is.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07It was originally called a jaws harp
0:02:07 > 0:02:10because it's played in the mouth like that.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12Anyway, to get you in the mood,
0:02:12 > 0:02:17what do these unfamiliar J words mean?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- There are lots of them. - Janker. I've heard of jankers.
0:02:20 > 0:02:25- That's an army thing, isn't it?- Yes. Jankers is an army punishment.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Cleaning latrines or peeling 10,000 spuds.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29That's right, you're put on jankers.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32It looks like lots of them are minced oaths.
0:02:32 > 0:02:35What was that? A minced...?
0:02:35 > 0:02:38A minced oath. Like saying "fudge" or "sugar".
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Like a bowdlerised version of a swear word.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44Like saying, "by... carbonate of soda."
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Or "shut the front door!"
0:02:46 > 0:02:48LAUGHTER
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Or fu...crying out loud!
0:02:52 > 0:02:57- Have you ever said that?- What, fu-crying...- Fu-crying out loud?
0:02:57 > 0:03:01Works very well. Or fu-Christ's sake.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04For photographers that follow you.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06"Why don't you just f...otograph someone else?"
0:03:06 > 0:03:09LAUGHTER
0:03:09 > 0:03:11A jollop?
0:03:11 > 0:03:15It's a juice, some sort of unguent. Some sort of...
0:03:15 > 0:03:18A jollop is actually a turkey's wattle.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21I'm going to say, "bluff."
0:03:21 > 0:03:22LAUGHTER
0:03:22 > 0:03:25Sorry, is it the wrong game?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28It's a good word, yeah.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31- Or it can mean a strong liquor. - Jollop - a strong liquor?
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- Don't.- I didn't say anything.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I didn't say anything. I was going to, but I didn't.
0:03:36 > 0:03:40A jentacular, jentacular...
0:03:40 > 0:03:44Is this what friends of Jennifer Aniston say how she looks before she goes out?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46LAUGHTER
0:03:46 > 0:03:49No. It means "pertaining to breakfast".
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- It does not.- Why? Why do you need that, though?
0:03:52 > 0:03:56- In your life?- Well, you have a lunchy word. It's a lunchy type of thing.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00- It's a breakfasty type of thing. - What's a lunch word, then?
0:04:00 > 0:04:01LAUGHTER
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- So you would say toast is a bit jentacular?- Yeah.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07This toast is jentacular! LAUGHTER
0:04:07 > 0:04:09When has anyone ever said that, ever?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13These are unusual words, I grant you.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- So we don't need to know that word, is what you're saying?- No.
0:04:16 > 0:04:18So I need to forget that now
0:04:18 > 0:04:22cos that's taken vital space I need for pin numbers,
0:04:22 > 0:04:25really useful things, in my brain.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Not what I should say about breakfast. "Ooh, it's 11!
0:04:28 > 0:04:30"Oh, it's unjentacular! What an idiot!"
0:04:30 > 0:04:32LAUGHTER
0:04:32 > 0:04:34- Here to astonish you...- Go on.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38One of these words on this board has 28 separate meanings.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42I'm going to put those meanings up. Tell me which word it is.
0:04:44 > 0:04:48Back passage, vagina, penis.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50- AUDIENCE: Jobbie!- Junt!
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Jobbie, you think?
0:04:52 > 0:04:56- Jigger.- We're getting a lot of jiggering from the audience.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00- It must be jigger.- I'm with jigger. - Jigger is the right answer.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03I'm going to share five points with Victoria
0:05:03 > 0:05:05and five points with the audience.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08CHEERING
0:05:11 > 0:05:14The word jigger has all those definitions.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17It's a measuring device - a jigger of rum.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20A snooker rest, an odd-looking person, Bill.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Sorry, just an odd-looking person. A distillery.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25LAUGHTER
0:05:25 > 0:05:27Don't say vagina and point to me.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30LAUGHTER
0:05:30 > 0:05:31- Again.- Penis and...
0:05:31 > 0:05:34LAUGHTER
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Woman's coat. That's a nice... thingummy.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41People do complain that there aren't any good words for vagina.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43There's no way of saying it that sounds nice.
0:05:43 > 0:05:44Jigger is not the answer.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45LAUGHTER
0:05:45 > 0:05:48I think twinkle cave.
0:05:48 > 0:05:49LAUGHTER
0:05:51 > 0:05:52Twinkle cave?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55APPLAUSE
0:05:57 > 0:05:59It's a less offensive term for a fu-fu.
0:06:00 > 0:06:04So jigger is back passage, vagina, penis...
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- Well, that's confusing right there. - Straightaway.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09"Just stick it in me jigger." "What?"
0:06:09 > 0:06:12"You're going to have to be more specific, love."
0:06:12 > 0:06:14"Do you mean jigger one or jigger two?"
0:06:14 > 0:06:17It's also a golf club. So if you ask your caddy, "Do you think
0:06:17 > 0:06:20"I should pull my jigger out for this shot? What do you think?"
0:06:20 > 0:06:22Yeah, get your jigger out,
0:06:22 > 0:06:25rest it on your jigger, stick it in my jigger, mind the jigger.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28What about Ouija board? You're at a party.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30"Let's all put our fingers together on your jigger."
0:06:30 > 0:06:33LAUGHTER
0:06:33 > 0:06:37"It's moving. Is it doing that by itself or are we making it?"
0:06:37 > 0:06:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:42 > 0:06:43Potter's wheel.
0:06:43 > 0:06:47That's what they used to put on the TV when they ran out of programmes.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49"Put the jigger on. NOT THAT ONE!"
0:06:49 > 0:06:50LAUGHTER
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Revolving. Revolving jigger.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Certain words do double duty. Certain words do triple duty.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Words like jigger seem to do multiple duty.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08But what's the one thing we can all agree
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Hitler, Stalin and Franco got right
0:07:10 > 0:07:12and Mussolini got wrong?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Mussolini surrendered.
0:07:15 > 0:07:20Well no, there's something the three moustachioed dictators
0:07:20 > 0:07:21loathed and detested
0:07:21 > 0:07:24but Mussolini rather liked.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- Erm...- Pasta.- Yes.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29LAUGHTER
0:07:31 > 0:07:33Say what you want about Simon Schama,
0:07:33 > 0:07:35he'd never come up with that.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Let's stick with the letter J.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- Jackets with jeans, like Clarkson.- No.
0:07:41 > 0:07:42Oh! Was it double denim?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46That again doesn't begin with J.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- J, J, J, jizz... - The 20th century...
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Yes! You're close.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51I'm close?
0:07:51 > 0:07:5520th century. You only got one vowel out.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- Jazz!- Jazz! Jazz music.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00APPLAUSE
0:08:03 > 0:08:05I disagree with this question.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Our very, very naughty people have suggested
0:08:09 > 0:08:13that Hitler, Stalin and Franco were right for disliking jazz.
0:08:13 > 0:08:14I personally love jazz.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17So you're saying that Hitler didn't like jazz?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Not just didn't like it.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22- The more I hear about this guy, the less I like him.- I know.
0:08:22 > 0:08:27I know. I agree. Jazz was, to the Germans, inimical.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29They thought it was total evil.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33It was completely against everything they stood for.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Mussolini, oddly enough, for all his faults -
0:08:36 > 0:08:38and let's face it, they were many and grievous -
0:08:38 > 0:08:41he listened to jazz in private. His son, Romano,
0:08:41 > 0:08:45was one of post-war Italy's most celebrated jazz musicians.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48He played with Dizzy Gillespie, Duke Ellington and Chet Baker.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51You can't get much higher than that in the jazz world.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Wasn't that Hitler's thing with comedy? He didn't like Jewish comedy
0:08:54 > 0:08:57cos he if you laugh with someone, presumably the same with music -
0:08:57 > 0:08:59if you enjoy their music, you couldn't hate them.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02What you are experiencing there is cognitive dissonance.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04Cognitive dissonance is exactly right.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06I think you'll find that's it.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Take the audience through cognitive dissonance.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Never mind them, take me through cognitive dissonance.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14It's exactly what you described -
0:09:14 > 0:09:16the ability to hold two opposing opinions at the same time.
0:09:16 > 0:09:20They seem to contradict each other, but actually humans can do that.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Here's cognitive dissonance.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Here I am on QI, like you see on the television.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27It's quite nice, everyone seems nice, I'm having a nice time.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30And yet, we've had the question, "What did Hitler get right?"
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Which is exactly what my grandmother told me would happen if I went on television.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36LAUGHTER
0:09:36 > 0:09:41Last night, I had an anxiety dream about coming on here.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43I was so terrified of it. In the dream, I was sitting here.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45I think I was on the other side.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48- An you were asking the question very sternly.- No.- Yes.
0:09:48 > 0:09:53The question was, "Why was the March Hare so important to the Aztecs?"
0:09:53 > 0:09:55LAUGHTER
0:09:56 > 0:10:00I didn't know the answer. And I... "Do they worship it?"
0:10:00 > 0:10:02And the screens went, "Worship it! Worship it!
0:10:02 > 0:10:04LAUGHTER
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Which was absolutely terrifying.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10Stephen, ask the question. Let's make it happen.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15I'm such an amateur, I didn't even Google the answer.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22That's an amazing dream. That's very specific. It's not like...
0:10:22 > 0:10:26I dream, "Oh, I went up to the shops and bought some milk and bread."
0:10:26 > 0:10:29I wake up and go, "Where is it?"
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I thought, "I'm sure I went up the shop and got it but...
0:10:34 > 0:10:38"That's a crazy dream. Must have been that blue cheese I had last night."
0:10:38 > 0:10:40But that's really...
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Yeah, definately the blue cheese was the issue.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46"Blue cheese."
0:10:46 > 0:10:47Were you actually asleep?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Or was this a sort of premonition?
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- We'll find out.- Yes, we will.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57- Can we just confirm, this is happening now?- Yes.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00We're not in one of Vicky's dreams, cos that would be...
0:11:00 > 0:11:01That'd be brilliant!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04You could be the March Hare. I'll be the Aztecs...
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- Bring it on. - Let's get some blue cheese.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10LAUGHTER
0:11:10 > 0:11:12So, now, here are four J birds.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15What immediately comes to mind when you look at them?
0:11:15 > 0:11:19- Wings.- It's J I'm after.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22There is something that allows you to recognise them
0:11:22 > 0:11:25that a bird-spotter would call their...
0:11:25 > 0:11:26- Jizz.- Yes!
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- Yes.- You knew that? - I'm a twitter, aren't I?- Yes!
0:11:29 > 0:11:33APPLAUSE
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Jizz is an acronym, not...
0:11:37 > 0:11:40don't think of where you might think it's going.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43It's the General Impression, Size and Shape.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46It came from being able to spot planes in the war.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51You could spot the outline of planes from underneath.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53It was a military term, GISS,
0:11:53 > 0:11:56- but birders use it too.- Everything you say is believed by many
0:11:56 > 0:11:59but unfortunately, there's no evidence for that.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03So while you got the word absolutely right
0:12:03 > 0:12:06and there are points pouring your way,
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- the actual explanation is not proven.- So there'd be a book
0:12:08 > 0:12:12or I could look up the internet at home, "Jizz on birds," and that is fine.
0:12:12 > 0:12:13Yes.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14LAUGHTER
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Absolutely right.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18I've got a lot of growing up to do, is all I know.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21The pop etymology is that it might be "just is".
0:12:21 > 0:12:24In other words, you can't say specifically
0:12:24 > 0:12:30why that aeroplane is Spitfire or that bird is a siskin. It just is.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Or even "gist", the essence, the gist.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35- Yeah.- But no-one's quite sure.
0:12:35 > 0:12:39The other kind of jizz is a contraction of the word jism.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43- What does that mean? - Jism, jisar, jisat, jisarum.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- I could tell you where it comes from. I could show you!- No!
0:12:46 > 0:12:48LAUGHTER
0:12:48 > 0:12:50You're not to do that.
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- Again.- Too late?- Yes.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Jism has a meaning. Can you imagine what jism might mean?
0:12:56 > 0:12:59It means spirit or energy.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03- Yeah. "I withhold my jism. I deny them..."- You shouldn't do that.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05Is that meant to encourage us? What's that doing?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07LAUGHTER
0:13:07 > 0:13:11- It's spiritual energy. - Oh, yeah, sure(!)
0:13:11 > 0:13:13That looks like we're trying to sell some sort of massage CD.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18- Here's a top jizz fact.- Go on.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Imagine one little sperm.
0:13:20 > 0:13:22Tiny-winey little sperm.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24They're very, very small.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27You couldn't see it with the naked eye.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32No bigger than an acorn.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36You know about computers and memories and things.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38They have information on them,
0:13:38 > 0:13:43which is expressed in terms of bytes, kilobytes or megabytes.
0:13:43 > 0:13:48How much information do you think is in the DNA of one little sperm?
0:13:48 > 0:13:51I think it just says, "Swim."
0:13:51 > 0:13:53- So - what, one bit?- One bit.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- One bit.- One bit of information - swim that way.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Either one bit or one trillion bits.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00It's 37.5 megabytes.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Which means that a normal ejaculation...
0:14:02 > 0:14:06- Talk about your hard drive. - ..represents...
0:14:06 > 0:14:07LAUGHTER
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Is this...just after you've logged off?
0:14:14 > 0:14:18Just going to plug in my dongle, Bill.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20How many more of these can we...?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- Before we go home. - As long as it's not a floppy.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27You can still hold a lot in a floppy.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32A normal male ejaculation, if there is such a thing...
0:14:32 > 0:14:34I came here to talk about the Aztecs.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36LAUGHTER
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Will you accept my personal apology, Victoria?
0:14:40 > 0:14:45..is equivalent of 15,875 gigabytes.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47That's 15.8 terabytes.
0:14:47 > 0:14:53That's about 7,500 laptops' worth of information in one ejaculation.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55It's gone to waste, just thrown away.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58LAUGHTER
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- Well, not necessarily. - Down the end of a SoC.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02LAUGHTER
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- Stop it.- What? He started it.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08LAUGHTER
0:15:08 > 0:15:11Yes, jizz, as you knew as a bird-spotter,
0:15:11 > 0:15:15is that indefinable something, the shape, the gait, the outline
0:15:15 > 0:15:18that allows you to identify a bird. But we have
0:15:18 > 0:15:19the four birds we showed you.
0:15:19 > 0:15:23- Thought you were going to say, "We have some jizz."- No!
0:15:23 > 0:15:26"We have some birds you can identify here by their jizz."
0:15:26 > 0:15:28- We literally do.- Oh, look.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31Yep. They all begin with J, that's your clue.
0:15:31 > 0:15:36- I'm going to say that's a jayhawk. - That's not a hawk, is it? Look at it.
0:15:36 > 0:15:41- What are you saying?!- That, swooping down and picking up a rabbit?
0:15:41 > 0:15:46Look, that's it to scale, Bill. That's the size of it.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48Oh, right. Oh, it's a long way off.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- It's massive!- Have you seen a hawk's beak and eye?
0:15:51 > 0:15:53A hawk's... Yes! It's not the common hawk.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55It's a raptor. That's not a raptor,
0:15:55 > 0:15:57that's a flipping flycatcher or something.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- You are very good, it's a flycatcher.- It's a flycatcher,
0:16:00 > 0:16:02- there you go.- He is good, he is good.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Yeah, don't mess with a jizzmeister.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Hey, I was second on that.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- No, you weren't, you weren't even close.- I came second.- A hawk?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11You just mentioned a type of bird,
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- that's not coming second.- Stick up the next one. I'm sure I'll get it.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16Just to finish it, that was a flycatcher,
0:16:16 > 0:16:20it was a Juan Fernandez tit-tyrant.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21LAUGHTER
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- A crested... - Oh, God, here we go again.
0:16:25 > 0:16:27Wait a minute.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28Oh, tit-tyrant, oh...
0:16:28 > 0:16:32"A Juan Fernandez tit-tyrant."
0:16:32 > 0:16:36A crested, spotty-chested member of the tyrant flycatcher...
0:16:36 > 0:16:38A spotty-chested member?
0:16:38 > 0:16:42There are points for knowing where the Juan Fernandez Islands are.
0:16:42 > 0:16:46SPLUTTERS: Breast Cock Lane?
0:16:47 > 0:16:49That's the spirit!
0:16:49 > 0:16:51APPLAUSE
0:16:52 > 0:16:53Now you're getting it.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56You are getting into it very much.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- The Juan Fernandez Islands? - Somewhere in South America.- Chile.
0:17:00 > 0:17:04- Chile.- Fair enough, yep, OK. The next bird, this black one here.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07It's some sort of... What is that, a bird of para... No, that's not...
0:17:07 > 0:17:09It's got massive green...feet.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11It's a weaver bird, in fact.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13If I tell you it's a weaver bird,
0:17:13 > 0:17:16- you'll probably know it comes from...?- Yorkshire.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18LAUGHTER
0:17:18 > 0:17:20Yeah.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- It's Jackson's widowbird. - Jackson's widowbird?- The next one.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29- At least name the type of bird that it is.- Jabiru, it's a stork.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33- And it is a jabiru, correct answer. - Yes, of course.- Very good.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35APPLAUSE
0:17:35 > 0:17:37This man is good.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39That is a jabiru, it's a stork,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42and it can be five foot tall with a nine-foot wingspan.
0:17:42 > 0:17:46It's a hell of a stork. Well spotted. This man is impressive.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48- Oh, thank you.- OK, and the last one.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Oh, it's very punk rock, it's from...
0:17:52 > 0:17:54I would say it's from the '70s.
0:17:54 > 0:17:55JEW'S HARP
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Jedward.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:01 > 0:18:02We'll allow you that.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05I think he could be called the Jedward bird from now on,
0:18:05 > 0:18:07it does have another J word.
0:18:07 > 0:18:10- Do you know what type of bird that is, Bill?- It's, erm...
0:18:10 > 0:18:14- Hawk. It's a hawk! - Look at the size of its beak!
0:18:14 > 0:18:17- How can it pick up a rabbit? - Those are oranges!
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- It's actually a waxwing. - It's a waxwing.
0:18:19 > 0:18:23- It's a Japanese waxwing.- Oh, it's a Japanese one!- Japanese waxwing,
0:18:23 > 0:18:26found in Japan, China and Eastern Russia. Very good. OK.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30What did Watson do twice as often as Holmes?
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Oh, I don't want to say now.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- I guess he had more time on his hands.- Stick with it.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37What did he do twice...?
0:18:37 > 0:18:39Oh, I do know. It's, er...
0:18:39 > 0:18:41it's, er...ejaculate.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Ejaculate is the right answer!
0:18:43 > 0:18:45APPLAUSE
0:18:46 > 0:18:49This is the one thing I know about Sherlock Homes
0:18:49 > 0:18:53because it's in the book. It's an old term meaning to...
0:18:53 > 0:18:55To exclaim, expostulate.
0:18:55 > 0:18:59He constantly... "'But, Holmes!' I ejaculated" you get a lot.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02- I mean, the books are brilliant anyway.- They are.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05But every 20 pages, that happens and you go...
0:19:05 > 0:19:07SNIGGERS
0:19:09 > 0:19:13Yes, there are 23 ejaculations in the canon, as it's known.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15- They call it the canon?- Christ!
0:19:17 > 0:19:18The canon is the...
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- And one up the spout.- Oh, Christ.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24As in the word "canonical".
0:19:24 > 0:19:28- I give to you the canon. - Yeah.- Stand back!
0:19:30 > 0:19:33There's approximately 23 ejaculations.
0:19:33 > 0:19:3648 terabytes of information are coming your way.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40- Stand by!- You're a very lucky lady.
0:19:42 > 0:19:47- Watson ejaculates 11 times. - Christ on a bike!
0:19:47 > 0:19:51Holmes on one occasion refers to Watson's ejaculations of wonder
0:19:51 > 0:19:53being invaluable to his art.
0:19:53 > 0:19:57Watson does ejaculate from his very heart
0:19:57 > 0:20:01in the direction of his fiancee. Holmes gives six,
0:20:01 > 0:20:04but there is one where it's quite hard to tell who it is. So...
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- That can happen, Stephen, yeah. - Who's ejaculating here?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Let's just, let's just...imagine.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14"So he sat as I dropped off to sleep, and so he sat,
0:20:14 > 0:20:16"when a sudden ejaculation caused me to wake up."
0:20:16 > 0:20:18LAUGHTER
0:20:18 > 0:20:22- "I found..."- Have you ever been woken up by a sudden ejaculation?
0:20:22 > 0:20:26- Stop!- We've talked enough about your dreams.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29There's a fellow called Phelps in the wonderful story The Naval Treaty.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31He ejaculates three times, actually.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35The only other ejaculator is Mrs Sinclair's husband,
0:20:35 > 0:20:39who ejaculates from a second-floor window.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41LAUGHTER
0:20:41 > 0:20:45This is the most fun I've ever had on this show.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51So, now, who first used the expression "OMG?"
0:20:51 > 0:20:55- Was it Hannah Montana?- It wasn't Hannah Montana.- That was my guess.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- It was a good guess, a reasonable guess.- I'm guessing
0:20:57 > 0:21:01- that in the past, it's meant something else.- No, as "Oh, my God."
0:21:01 > 0:21:03- "Oh, my God..."- Jesus.- Not J...!
0:21:03 > 0:21:08LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
0:21:09 > 0:21:12No, this is genuinely a use of OMG in a communication.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Is it going to be on a Morse Code...?
0:21:14 > 0:21:18No, though funnily enough, you're in the right area, it was...
0:21:18 > 0:21:19- Military?- Kissinger?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22Not military, naval. It was two of the great naval figures
0:21:22 > 0:21:24of the First World War.
0:21:24 > 0:21:28- Who was the First Lord of the Admiralty during the...?- Oh!
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- Erm, I have no idea.- Churchill. - Winston Churchill.
0:21:30 > 0:21:35But the great Lord Fisher, in 1917, wrote a letter to Winston Churchill
0:21:35 > 0:21:39saying, "I hear that a new order of knighthoods is on the tapis",
0:21:39 > 0:21:40meaning on the carpet.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43"OMG, shower it on the Admiralty."
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- Hmm!- So there you are - "Oh, my God."
0:21:46 > 0:21:48What year was that, sorry?
0:21:48 > 0:21:50- 1917.- OMG.- Yeah, OMG.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54- That's a really good fact. - That's a good fact, isn't it?
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Can we be certain he meant "Oh, my God"?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Yes, definitely, he put "Oh, my God" in brackets afterwards.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00He wrote, "OMG, brackets, Oh, my God."
0:22:00 > 0:22:03That rather ruined the point of abbreviating it to save time!
0:22:03 > 0:22:05As he was the first user, I guess he had to explain it.
0:22:05 > 0:22:10"OMG, by which I mean, of course, the longer expression Oh, my God."
0:22:10 > 0:22:14Eric Partridge's Dictionary of Abbreviations in 1942
0:22:14 > 0:22:18contained dozens of SMS-friendly examples such as "agn" for again,
0:22:18 > 0:22:20"mth" for month and "gd" for good.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22So they pre-existed.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26But I heard someone vocalise "LOL". I actually heard...
0:22:26 > 0:22:28Someone said "LOL" as opposed to laugh.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31It was two kids in the street, told them a joke
0:22:31 > 0:22:32and she went "lol", like that.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36- Rather than laugh? - Rather than laugh.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40- That's just some horrible post-Orwellian nightmare.- It is.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44How amazing is that going to be at stand-up gigs? If people just...
0:22:44 > 0:22:46An audience starts going "lol"?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Let's just try it.
0:22:49 > 0:22:53After three, just say the word "lol" with as little expression as you can.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55Here we go. One, two, three.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57AUDIENCE: Lol.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01Tim Minchin has actually suggested
0:23:01 > 0:23:04that because people don't laugh out loud when they say "LOL",
0:23:04 > 0:23:08he suggests "MAS - mildly amused smirk."
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Which could be quite good,
0:23:10 > 0:23:14- because that's what happens.- Or "NELI" is another one you could have.
0:23:14 > 0:23:16N-E-L-I, "Not even laughing inwardly."
0:23:18 > 0:23:20But you'll be impressed to know
0:23:20 > 0:23:25that in 1659 is the first use of "to unfriend."
0:23:25 > 0:23:27Which we thought was a modern Facebook phrase.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30But "to unfriend" was used by Thomas Fuller,
0:23:30 > 0:23:32who wrote to theologist John Heylyn,
0:23:32 > 0:23:35"I hope, sir, that we are not mutually unfriended
0:23:35 > 0:23:38"by this difference which hath happened betwixt us."
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Yes, and then I believe his friend wrote back
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- that he "liked" that message. - Yes, exactly.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Anyway, where do Arabic numbers come from?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Ooh.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51I...don't know.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Interesting fact, though, the oasis is about 110 miles that way.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57No, that's the chart position. In...
0:23:57 > 0:24:00LAUGHTER
0:24:02 > 0:24:05..in the Yemen.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- They're not as big there, are they? - Nah, they don't like it.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- What do we mean by Arabic numbers? - We mean the ones we use, don't we?
0:24:11 > 0:24:16I presume you mean how people who speak or write Arabic write numbers.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- No, we call our numbers Arabic numbers.- Do we?
0:24:19 > 0:24:20I thought our numbers... OK.
0:24:20 > 0:24:24Roman alphabet and Arabic numerals.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26And Gregorian...chanting.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30And French...pastries.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34- Come on, you must know this. - Danish pastries, German mustard...
0:24:34 > 0:24:35Is it Persia?
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- No, it's not Persia.- It's not going to be in Arabia, is it?
0:24:38 > 0:24:42- It's not Arabia.- It's just outside Arabia. Arabia Parkway.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47It's actually Hindu. In Arabic they call them Hindu numbers.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50In fact, in Arabic numbers we have very little in common.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53You can see a car number plate here and you'll see that on the left
0:24:53 > 0:24:55is 29-5994
0:24:55 > 0:25:01and on the right, that is the Arabic for 29-5994.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04And as you see, it's only the 9 that is actually the same.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- So they're not Arabic numbers at all.- No, we tend to call them that.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09We should start... Let's call them Hindu numbers.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12We should call them Hindu numbers, exactly right.
0:25:12 > 0:25:13Or we could call them "numbers".
0:25:15 > 0:25:16Yeah, but what's the fun in that?
0:25:16 > 0:25:20Yeah, quite. I want you to tell me, because it's quite interesting,
0:25:20 > 0:25:22and that's the name of the game,
0:25:22 > 0:25:24which is the only number in the English language
0:25:24 > 0:25:26which, when written out, is in alphabetical order?
0:25:26 > 0:25:30Erm...eight.
0:25:30 > 0:25:33- No.- OK, well, seven.- 43.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36Eight is good, but I comes after G.
0:25:36 > 0:25:37OK, I'm going to have to guess,
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- because there's not enough time and I'm dyslexic.- One. Two.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- Two.- No.- Three.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45O comes before T.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47So they have to be in alphabetical order.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- Oh, I see. Ohh.- Forty.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Yes! Well done.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55APPLAUSE
0:25:55 > 0:25:56Very good.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Were you going through all the numbers?
0:25:59 > 0:26:03I bet I was going through all the numbers at the same time you were.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05- 40 is the one.- Alan was on three when you got there.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09You three were all talking and we're sitting going,
0:26:09 > 0:26:12(MUTTERING) "No, not that one, no..."
0:26:12 > 0:26:17All right. Why was the March Hare so important to the Aztecs?
0:26:17 > 0:26:18No!
0:26:18 > 0:26:21APPLAUSE
0:26:23 > 0:26:24You see?
0:26:26 > 0:26:27The thing is, Victoria,
0:26:27 > 0:26:30whatever you dreamt was the answer IS the right answer.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Yeah, but I know the answer isn't, "Did they worship it?" Because...
0:26:34 > 0:26:37ALARM WHOOPS
0:26:41 > 0:26:44I think you'll find I said that's NOT the answer.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47What the answer actually is, I don't know.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Why is a raven like a writing desk? It's that sort of question.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- It is.- Maybe for years people will now debate this.
0:26:53 > 0:26:5550 years from now, people will be asking,
0:26:55 > 0:26:58"Why was the March Hare important to the Aztecs?"
0:26:58 > 0:27:02There is a kind of answer that maybe your subconscious somehow knew.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04They worshipped rabbits, not hares.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10So some part of your brain knew that Aztecs worshipped rabbits.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- They honestly...? Aztecs worshipped rabbits?- It's true.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15I swear to you I didn't know that.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19I swear, and I think they're going to believe me.
0:27:19 > 0:27:20I'll go even further than this.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22There are many people who believe
0:27:22 > 0:27:26that the rabbits that the Aztecs worshipped were jackrabbits,
0:27:26 > 0:27:29which are, in fact, technically a type of hare.
0:27:29 > 0:27:34- And a J word, which makes it even better.- And a J word.- This is spooky!
0:27:34 > 0:27:35So, Victoria Coren...
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Burn the witch!
0:27:37 > 0:27:40APPLAUSE
0:27:40 > 0:27:41Witch!
0:27:43 > 0:27:46- Absolutely spooky. - You didn't see that one coming,
0:27:46 > 0:27:48and yet you did.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51I dreamt a thing that I didn't think I knew
0:27:51 > 0:27:54- that you say is nearly a fact beginning with J?- Yeah.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57This world is far more mysterious than we give it credit for.
0:27:57 > 0:28:01Isn't it just? I know. Which brings us to the scores!
0:28:01 > 0:28:04I don't know whether to do this backwards or forwards.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08I'll go backwards, actually, with our last place. It's noble
0:28:08 > 0:28:10but it's -22. Jimmy Carr!
0:28:10 > 0:28:13APPLAUSE
0:28:13 > 0:28:16I took a few for the team! I took a couple for the team.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19But I'm always happy to see,
0:28:19 > 0:28:23in somewhere as high as third place, Alan Davies with -6!
0:28:23 > 0:28:25Thank you very much.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27APPLAUSE
0:28:29 > 0:28:33And this is astonishing. With +10, Bill Bailey.
0:28:34 > 0:28:35I never get +10.
0:28:35 > 0:28:39- Really? Really?- No.
0:28:39 > 0:28:40APPLAUSE
0:28:40 > 0:28:44And the madwoman who dreams of Aztecs and hares,
0:28:44 > 0:28:46Victoria Coren on +13!
0:28:46 > 0:28:48APPLAUSE
0:28:55 > 0:28:58Well, that's all from Victoria, Jimmy, Bill, Alan and me.
0:28:58 > 0:29:02Be gloriously good to each other, thank you and goodnight.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd