0:00:02 > 0:00:08This programme contains some strong language
0:00:24 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Well, good evening, good evening, good evening.
0:00:34 > 0:00:38I'm running out of good evenings. To the QI Job Centre.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Scanning the situations vacant tonight are
0:00:41 > 0:00:44retired civil servant, Sarah Millican.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:48 > 0:00:52Former cloakroom attendant, David Mitchell.
0:00:52 > 0:00:55APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Unemployed pianist and saxophonist, the Reverend Richard Coles.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:01 > 0:01:06And ex-Epping flea market sandwich-board man, Alan Davies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:11 > 0:01:15By their buzzers shall ye know them.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16And Sarah goes...
0:01:16 > 0:01:19BELL RINGS
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Ooh. And David goes...
0:01:20 > 0:01:23TOILET FLUSHES
0:01:23 > 0:01:26That's a cloakroom being attended. Richard goes...
0:01:26 > 0:01:28SAXOPHONE SQUEAKS
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Aw, bless you, I've heard you on Waterloo Bridge. And Alan goes...
0:01:31 > 0:01:33'Sandwiches, sandwiches!'
0:01:33 > 0:01:36That's what you mean by a sandwich board, is it?
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Not strictly.
0:01:37 > 0:01:41I'd like to say, the cloakroom I attended was for actual cloaks.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43- It wasn't a euphemism. - Oh, it really was a cloakroom?
0:01:43 > 0:01:45It was for where people left their coats and bags,
0:01:45 > 0:01:48- and I suppose the occasional cloak. - And...
0:01:48 > 0:01:51But with it being in the 20th century, it wasn't very cloak-heavy.
0:01:51 > 0:01:55No. Anyway, let's begin with our first question.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59Confucius once said, "Give someone a job they love
0:01:59 > 0:02:02"and they'll never have to work again."
0:02:02 > 0:02:04So, what sort of jobs are these?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07We've given you what, in the social media world, as you know,
0:02:07 > 0:02:08- is called a cloud.- 'Sandwiches!'
0:02:08 > 0:02:10Yep?
0:02:10 > 0:02:13LAUGHTER
0:02:13 > 0:02:16That's only going to get funnier, isn't it?
0:02:16 > 0:02:17- I hope so.- Yeah.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20A ripper is a murderer.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Well, obviously, yes...
0:02:23 > 0:02:25A highly-skilled murderer. An expert.
0:02:25 > 0:02:29- In Whitechapel, usually.- Yes, yes! - Yeah. Sometimes in... - I knew that was right.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32These days most murderers are amateur, though, aren't they?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34It's very difficult to make a living out of it.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- As a job, yeah. No, it's a good point.- It's true.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40A ripper, actually, you might know. There is a word,
0:02:40 > 0:02:43it's the kind of word a crossword fiend might know - riparian.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45R-I-P-A-R-I-A-N.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Riparian, does that mean anything to you?
0:02:47 > 0:02:48I feel it should.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Yes. It comes from the Latin "ripa" - river bank.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55So the riparian means of the riverside, of the river bank.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57A fish seller who sells fish off the banks...
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- Oh, this is like a 3-2-1 clip. - I know, I'm so sorry.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02I thought we were getting somewhere,
0:03:02 > 0:03:05it's going to be someone who repairs the banks of rivers.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08OK, no, he sells fish now!
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I'm so sorry.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12A burgrailler.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15That's presumably someone who grills burgers?
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Just, the general spelling in the average burger joint. No.
0:03:19 > 0:03:23A burgrailler was someone who removed burrs
0:03:23 > 0:03:26from the teeth of combs in a cotton mill.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29Oh, I thought it was going to be from the Queen Mother.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35And we have a willyer, which comes from the same profession.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39Is that someone who was both in the Black Eyed Peas and the Wurzels?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Oh, it's will.ay.er!
0:03:41 > 0:03:42will.i.arr!
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Will.i.err!
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Oh, very good.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48APPLAUSE
0:03:48 > 0:03:50Excellent.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55You see, your years working with Jimmy Somerville and The Communards
0:03:55 > 0:03:58have not dulled the edge of your wit, I'm glad to see.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01It's actually a willyer, it's also called the woollyer.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03But willyer is a more common name for it
0:04:03 > 0:04:04and again, we're back in the world of the loom,
0:04:04 > 0:04:07operating a willying machine, which sep...
0:04:07 > 0:04:11- GIGGLING I've done that!- Yes, thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Wharfinger, you might be able to work out.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15There's an odd thing that we do in English,
0:04:15 > 0:04:18which is that we add a letter N where one isn't necessary.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21So, for example, if someone is on a passage, on a journey,
0:04:21 > 0:04:24we don't call them a passager, we call them a passenger.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27If someone sends a message we don't call them a messager,
0:04:27 > 0:04:29we call them a messenger.
0:04:29 > 0:04:31It's a very odd English thing, of adding this N.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34And a wharfiger is someone who might...?
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Wharfage?
0:04:35 > 0:04:39Yeah, own a wharf. Basically, a wharf owner is a wharfinger.
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Do people own wharves now?
0:04:40 > 0:04:44These days you don't meet many people who say, "I'm in the wharf business."
0:04:44 > 0:04:46- Actually you might have a Worf... - I've got a lovely wharf!
0:04:46 > 0:04:50Star Trek: The Second Generation had a character called Worf, didn't it?
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- He was a Klingon with a big nose.- Was he? - Oh, yes.- And no sense of humour.
0:04:53 > 0:04:58You do surprise me with the moments when you dip into popular culture, which ones you choose.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- I am secretly a bit of a Trekkie, I have to say.- Are you?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04- He MIMICS PICARD:- Make it so.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05Could you play Vulcan chess?
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- Oh, no, that's very difficult. - Do you remember Vulcan chess?
0:05:08 > 0:05:10I remember Vulcan chess. Very, very difficult.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- And T'Pau, do you remember there was a pop group called T'Pau? - We toured with them.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16That took their name from an episode of Star Trek.
0:05:16 > 0:05:17You toured with T'Pau?
0:05:17 > 0:05:21When you're on tour, if you're in a band, you tend to be on the same circuit as other bands
0:05:21 > 0:05:22and we used to bump into Carol Decker,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24who was the singer from T'Pau.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27You'd be in a hotel with T'Pau and Public Image.
0:05:27 > 0:05:32So you'd be having your breakfast between John Lydon and Carol Decker in a strange, weird sort of...
0:05:32 > 0:05:35I'd like to see you partying with Shaun Ryder from...
0:05:35 > 0:05:37But there was no partying, because, actually,
0:05:37 > 0:05:38if you're on tour, you're so busy.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Everyone is in bed by ten, it's the people around who...
0:05:41 > 0:05:44No, no, maybe they didn't tell you about the parties that went on afterwards.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49I once stayed in a hotel in America with Black Grape,
0:05:49 > 0:05:51which was the band that Shaun Ryder formed after he left,
0:05:51 > 0:05:53you know, Manchester,
0:05:53 > 0:05:56and it was so rowdy on the floor of the hotel...
0:05:56 > 0:05:59- Rowdy!- When I woke up... Hey!
0:05:59 > 0:06:02When I woke up the next morning, I opened the door
0:06:02 > 0:06:04and there was a bottle of extremely high-quality brandy
0:06:04 > 0:06:08with a little note saying, "Hope you weren't disturbed. Love, Shaun."
0:06:08 > 0:06:11And I looked all the way down both sides of the corridor
0:06:11 > 0:06:13and there was a bottle of brandy there.
0:06:13 > 0:06:16We did have a bass player who came down one morning as we were checking out
0:06:16 > 0:06:17and said he had trashed his room.
0:06:17 > 0:06:18We were quite pleased,
0:06:18 > 0:06:21because no-one had ever done that in our band, at all.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23But it turned out that actually what he'd done
0:06:23 > 0:06:24was tear up a copy of the Guardian.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26STEPHEN HOWLS WITH LAUGHTER
0:06:26 > 0:06:29And we made him go and tidy it up again.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31- All right. - BELL RINGS
0:06:31 > 0:06:32- A nut-steamer.- Yes.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Is that somebody who works in a spa?
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- Sounds right. It does sound right. - SAXOPHONE SQUEAKS
0:06:41 > 0:06:43- Flong maker.- Yes.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46I have a theory that this might be a gentleman
0:06:46 > 0:06:48who makes foundation garments for ladies.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50And it's those very thin things
0:06:50 > 0:06:54which are a cross between a thong and dental floss.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- Oh, I know just what you mean. - Yes.- An arse-floss piece of...
0:06:57 > 0:07:01- Yes.- Yeah, ooh! Ooh. Yes, horrible, yes.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04The person cleaning it is the one you feel sorry for.
0:07:04 > 0:07:09No, flong actually is a corruption of the French word "flan".
0:07:09 > 0:07:11It means a heavy base.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Oh, isn't that interesting?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15And it's actually from the word "printing".
0:07:15 > 0:07:18What the flong made was actually... Because it was solid,
0:07:18 > 0:07:22the Greek for solid is "stereo", and it was known as stereotyping.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24Because you were making the same thing each time.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26You made a stereotype.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30And oddly enough, the noise the ink made was rendered as "cliche".
0:07:30 > 0:07:33The noise. "Cliche, cliche" noise that it made
0:07:33 > 0:07:34when you rolled the ink.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38So both stereotype and cliche, which sort of mean the same thing,
0:07:38 > 0:07:39are both printers' terms.
0:07:39 > 0:07:43And so, literally, a cliche is made by stereotyping.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- Yes, exactly.- Right. - It is incredibly pleasing.- Yeah.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48And we're only here to be quite interesting,
0:07:48 > 0:07:50we don't expect you to be rolling on the floor barking like a seal,
0:07:50 > 0:07:53vomiting with laughter at that thought.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54But I do hope you will take it home,
0:07:54 > 0:07:56wrap it in a little parcel of lavender paper
0:07:56 > 0:07:58and store it in the bottom part of your drawer.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- I'm worried I'll get it wrong. - Yeah, OK.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03I'm planning to slightly mis-remember it
0:08:03 > 0:08:06and see some version of it in 20 years' time.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10So, the one we can't help you with is a macaroni loper,
0:08:10 > 0:08:11no-one seems to know.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14We think it may be simply some sort of pasta job
0:08:14 > 0:08:16of twisting macaroni into a...
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Making necklaces out of macaroni, that's what it is.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21But the reason we know all these are all jobs
0:08:21 > 0:08:24is because of the 1891 UK census - people had to put their profession.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26And these are just some of the professions.
0:08:26 > 0:08:30So, we just know that someone in the 1891 census,
0:08:30 > 0:08:34or probably more than one person, said "Oh, I'm a macaroni loper."
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- Yes.- And no-one's ever explained.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38No, unfortunately.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40Because nowadays in the census, don't some people...
0:08:40 > 0:08:44They put that their religion is Jedi, as a sort of joke.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Maybe the macaroni lopers are having a laugh at our expense.
0:08:47 > 0:08:49I once had to have a discussion about that,
0:08:49 > 0:08:51when I was involved in prison chaplaincy,
0:08:51 > 0:08:53because one of the prisoners wanted a Jedi chaplain.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55- No!- Yeah.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59In the end we found a shaman in Lincoln who did the job.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01And did he come with a little light sabre?
0:09:01 > 0:09:02No, he had a shaking stick.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- But we thought that was the nearest we could get.- That would do.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- Yeah.- Wow! That's pretty impressive.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12Star Wars will outlive all the major religions, I'm sure.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- You think?- Yeah. - Maybe it will. Maybe.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17AUDIENCE MEMBER CLAPS
0:09:17 > 0:09:19Someone clapping!
0:09:19 > 0:09:22There's one little Ewok at the back!
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Anyway, there we go, that's question one over with.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29What might an inspector of nuisances do?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32Did nuisance use to mean something else?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Was it like nuisance, meaning a noise or a party or a...
0:09:35 > 0:09:38Well, yes, it would include a noise, yes.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40It was basically, kind of, an equivalent
0:09:40 > 0:09:43of today's Environmental Health Officer.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45They were appointed by the local authority
0:09:45 > 0:09:46as sanitary and health issues...
0:09:46 > 0:09:50One man's nuisance is another man's rowdy evening in the hotel, isn't it?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52- Yes, but this is like... - Who decides what a nuisance is?
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Well, this is like, you know, if your neighbour is a hoarder,
0:09:55 > 0:09:56or they're smelly.
0:09:56 > 0:10:00This was in days before the more common sanitation that we expect.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03So if it was really smelly, very noisy.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06They would also disinfect houses that had had smallpox.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08They were also responsible for the scavengers,
0:10:08 > 0:10:10and what were the scavengers?
0:10:10 > 0:10:12Were they people who made a living
0:10:12 > 0:10:14through going through the leavings of others?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17That's what you would think. Like mud-larkers going through the beaches.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20It actually had a more specific and unsavoury meaning, originally.
0:10:20 > 0:10:24- Is it waste?- Waste. Night soil men, they used to be called.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- Night soil. Ooh.- Night soil. - They stole poo?
0:10:26 > 0:10:30- Well, not stole, but... - Just ones you've done in the night?
0:10:30 > 0:10:31People had...
0:10:31 > 0:10:34People had outside jacksies,
0:10:34 > 0:10:37that were not connected to any system of sewers.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39They were just a hole.
0:10:39 > 0:10:42It was just a hole, and so there would be a pile of poo
0:10:42 > 0:10:44and the night soil man would come with his spade
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- and he'd take your poo away.- Right.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48And that was a job - not a pleasant one.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50They were known as scavengers.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53And it was a deeply unpleasant, but a deeply necessary job, obviously.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Would you have to tip your scavenger,
0:10:55 > 0:10:58like you have to do with milkmen and postmen at Christmas?
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- It's a very good question. - You leave a Christmas box.
0:11:00 > 0:11:05You leave a Christmas box! A perfect varnished stool.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07The best stool you've produced, you save it up for him.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- Your favourite one.- I had a thoroughly good dinner that day
0:11:10 > 0:11:13and I think that's quality, that stuff.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16That's right, you can't spot a nut or a crack in it.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19It's absolutely lovely. Lovely. Lovely. That's what you'd do.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21It doesn't remain in that... I know this,
0:11:21 > 0:11:24because I was a chaplain for a bit in Uganda,
0:11:24 > 0:11:27and they have scavengers, night soil people there.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30But I only saw it once and I shudder to recall it,
0:11:30 > 0:11:33but it was sort of mulched down, if I may put it that way.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35- Ah. So it's not... - So it loses its...
0:11:35 > 0:11:36So it's not in its shape and form?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38- It's slop.- Slop.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- The same thing happens with squirty cream.- Exactly.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43- It comes out a lovely shape. - Yes, you're right.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45But leave it for a few minutes and it's all gone...
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Loses its form, doesn't it?
0:11:47 > 0:11:48It does, yeah.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50And no-one likes a stool that's lost its form.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51- Yeah.- Absolutely. Points deducted.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53SARAH: You've just ruined squirty cream!
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Points deducted for a sloppy stool.
0:11:57 > 0:11:59Anyway, enough already, let's move on.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Now, what is it about software engineers
0:12:01 > 0:12:04that drives people to violence?
0:12:04 > 0:12:07I don't like software which anticipates needs I don't have.
0:12:07 > 0:12:08The sort of spell-checker thing,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11which corrects your spelling to words you didn't want to spell.
0:12:11 > 0:12:15I've got RSI now from correcting the corrections on my phone.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18If I want to type the C word - and I do sometimes...
0:12:18 > 0:12:19Yeah.
0:12:19 > 0:12:24It comes up with Cynthia, and that's my mother-in-law's name.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26- Right.- And she's lovely, and it seems so unfair.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30Let's hope it doesn't work the other way round.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33LAUGHTER
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Well, unfortunately in the original Greek, it is Kunthia.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42- Is it?- There is no letter Y in Greek. it's an upsilon, it's a U.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- That's alarming.- It is Kunthia.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48No, I'm going back to the very first software engineer that ever was.
0:12:48 > 0:12:49Babbage?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Well, Babbage owed an enormous debt to this person.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- Ada Lovelace.- Ada Lovelace also owed a debt to this person.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- Ada Lovelace wanted to use the same...- I'll get my cloak.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00You've done very well! Ada Lovelace was the daughter of?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Mr Software.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05LAUGHTER
0:13:07 > 0:13:09So disappointing.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- Because, you know, you have a Mr Baker, don't you?- Yes, you do.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14And a Mr Butcher. Mr Cooper.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Old Jeremiah Software!
0:13:16 > 0:13:19But it's so much more interesting than that,
0:13:19 > 0:13:21she happened to be the daughter of Lord Byron,
0:13:21 > 0:13:24and she was one of the great mathematicians of her age.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26And she was a woman we should celebrate.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29And she was a colleague, as you say, of Charles Babbage,
0:13:29 > 0:13:30and they had got their difference engine,
0:13:30 > 0:13:33and they wanted to steal the idea of a Frenchman,
0:13:33 > 0:13:34who'd come up with the idea.
0:13:34 > 0:13:38And it's a software idea, it was for automating something.
0:13:38 > 0:13:42As a little boy, he used to sit on a particular type of machine
0:13:42 > 0:13:45and watch it working and thinking, "I could make this better."
0:13:45 > 0:13:47And he invented the punch-card system for it.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49And he has... Its name is...
0:13:49 > 0:13:51It's not those pianos that play themselves?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54No, Pianolas use the same system. But this is before that.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55It's much more useful,
0:13:55 > 0:13:58because it made something everybody in the world wanted to buy.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01Which is clothes. And textiles.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Oh, is it for, like, a pattern on cloth?
0:14:03 > 0:14:07A loom. A loom. It's a loom, and it's a particular kind of loom...
0:14:07 > 0:14:08- RICHARD:- Jacquard.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Jacquard is the name, Joseph Marie Jacquard.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14And he was an extraordinary man, born in 1752,
0:14:14 > 0:14:18and these looms were used right up until our lifetimes.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19But there you are.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- Look at that. - That's what he invented.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Now, you look at those punch cards, you think, now, what can that do?
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Babbage correctly saw
0:14:25 > 0:14:29this couldn't just make a loom and a tapestry and a picture,
0:14:29 > 0:14:33but it could also possibly do calculations
0:14:33 > 0:14:36and other such things that mathematicians were interested in.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39And so we have a portrait of Jacquard himself,
0:14:39 > 0:14:44which is done in woven silk using a Jacquard loom.
0:14:44 > 0:14:48That is done by punched cards. Isn't that astonishing?
0:14:48 > 0:14:51The depth, the tone, look at the knees there, the way the cloth is.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- I mean, that's...- It looks almost like a photograph, doesn't it?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56- It almost looks like a photograph. - Yeah.- That is...
0:14:56 > 0:14:58You'd think he'd be happier, wouldn't you?
0:14:58 > 0:15:01Well, that's true. Smiling in photographs is a very recent thing.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03- Oh, really? - It was never considered normal,
0:15:03 > 0:15:06it was considered weird to smile in photographs.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09But the question was, why did he drive people to violence?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Ah, because he...
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Was it like Luddites, did they come and smash his machinery?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16They did, because it took so much work away from them.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19- Are these the shoe throwers?- Ah. - The saboteurs?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- And what's the French for a wooden shoe?- A sabot.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23A sabot is a clog.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26And they would throw their clogs into the looms to break them up,
0:15:26 > 0:15:28and a sabot, it was known as sabotage.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30And that's where we get our word "sabotage".
0:15:30 > 0:15:32They would sabotage his machines.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35And actually Luddites in Britain were nothing like as violent
0:15:35 > 0:15:38as the saboteurs of France, in Lyon and places like that.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41- Different footwear, I suppose. - Different footwear.
0:15:41 > 0:15:46You can do more with a clog, can't you, than a conventional shoe?
0:15:46 > 0:15:48- We had an outbreak of it in my parish.- Did you?
0:15:48 > 0:15:49Yeah, I'm afraid so.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50It's a shoe area,
0:15:50 > 0:15:53so when the automation of the shoe trade came in,
0:15:53 > 0:15:55there was a bit of smashing up of machines.
0:15:55 > 0:15:56That's a nightmare though,
0:15:56 > 0:15:59because if the people are destroying the machines with shoes,
0:15:59 > 0:16:04if the machine's still going, they're just making ammunition.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07- For their own destruction. - That's so true.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08- And just the irony of it.- Yeah.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12Just immediately, as they come out, chuck them back at the machine!
0:16:12 > 0:16:16You don't have to use shoes to make a machine break,
0:16:16 > 0:16:19it's just the French wore wooden clogs and those sabots.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21But it is fascinating, isn't it, to think of it?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Where would we be without trees?
0:16:23 > 0:16:25Well, so true.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29LAUGHTER
0:16:29 > 0:16:30You're right.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34Anyway, the first automated looms caused rioting by French weavers.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Name as many famous butlers as you can.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Jeeves.
0:16:39 > 0:16:40Jeeves?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42SIREN WAILS
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Jeeves was not a butler!
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Was he not a butler? He was a man.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50He was a valet, he was a gentleman's personal gentleman.
0:16:50 > 0:16:54- A valet, sorry.- What about Hudson from Upstairs Downstairs?
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Hudson would certainly count, yes, absolutely.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58A butler has to be head of a household.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01A valet is a personal attendant, a gentleman's personal gentleman.
0:17:01 > 0:17:03Oh, Christ!
0:17:03 > 0:17:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:12 > 0:17:15I mean, you got away with this, didn't you, really?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Because you were quite young to play the role, weren't you?
0:17:17 > 0:17:18I was young, yes.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21I mean, you in particular, because he is quite a bit older, isn't he?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Well, in Carry On, Jeeves,
0:17:23 > 0:17:25which is the very first appearance of Jeeves in Wodehouse,
0:17:25 > 0:17:28"a darkish, youngish chap stood in the doorway,"
0:17:28 > 0:17:30is the only physical description you get of Jeeves.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32But as Bertie Wooster said of him,
0:17:32 > 0:17:34"Although he is not a butler,
0:17:34 > 0:17:38"if it comes down to it, he can buttle with the best of them."
0:17:38 > 0:17:41And so... But the butler was literally a bottler,
0:17:41 > 0:17:43- he looked after the cellar. - What about John Gielgud in Arthur?
0:17:43 > 0:17:46Yes, he played... Well, was he a butler or was he a valet?
0:17:46 > 0:17:48- It's hard to tell. - I'm saying he was a butler.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51A gentleman, a man. My man, they used to say. My man.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54The Fifth Duke of Portland so relied on his valet
0:17:54 > 0:17:58that when the doctor visited, the doctor would stand outside the room,
0:17:58 > 0:18:01the valet would do the rummaging around and call out what he saw!
0:18:03 > 0:18:06"I'm just inserting my finger into His Grace now!
0:18:06 > 0:18:10"I would say it's a, sort of, yellowy-blue colour."
0:18:10 > 0:18:12And the doctor would say, "That's a very bad sign."
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Or a very good sign. But...
0:18:14 > 0:18:17"All five of His Grace's testicles are in order."
0:18:19 > 0:18:21It is a most bizarre thing.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25Many years ago, I was asked, as I'm sure you've been asked,
0:18:25 > 0:18:27to address the Oxford Union.
0:18:27 > 0:18:32They have asked me, but I always imagine that they just ask me along just so that they can go, "Pfft!"
0:18:32 > 0:18:34No! They would love you. They would love you. They'd also...
0:18:34 > 0:18:37We have an entertainment, ha-ha-ha!
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Ask him something, ha-ha-ha!
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Make the clown dance!
0:18:42 > 0:18:43We've got someone from Essex!
0:18:43 > 0:18:45He doesn't know! Ha-ha!
0:18:45 > 0:18:46Take my cloak.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49No.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51I went, and I remember this quite -
0:18:51 > 0:18:54even for Oxford, - astonishing young man, in a wing collar...
0:18:54 > 0:18:58- HE MIMICS STUDENT: - ..who spoke in the most extraordinary manner,
0:18:58 > 0:19:01whose name was Jacob Rees-Mogg,
0:19:01 > 0:19:03and he was the son of William Rees-Mogg,
0:19:03 > 0:19:05who had, for a time, been the Editor of the Times.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- Oh, he's an MP now, is he? - And he's now an MP.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09- And he... - HE CHUCKLES
0:19:09 > 0:19:11we may have a picture of him, there he is.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14You're never going to mistake him for an Essex chav, are you?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17- And surprisingly... - He's River Dancing there, isn't he?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20He's very tall, isn't he? Bigger than the houses.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22He is very tall, yes.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24That may be a parallax effect, I'm not sure.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26But anyway, he was infuriated
0:19:26 > 0:19:29when leafleting the streets of central Fife,
0:19:29 > 0:19:30by the fact that he was mocked
0:19:30 > 0:19:32because he was assisted by his nanny.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36And what was so extraordinary was his response.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37His response was,
0:19:37 > 0:19:40"Well, I do wish you wouldn't keep going on about my nanny.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44"If I had a valet, you'd think it was perfectly normal!"
0:19:47 > 0:19:48A man of the people.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51I've had a tweet relationship with Jacob Rees-Mogg.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52Is he a Twitter friend?
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Well, I think...
0:19:53 > 0:19:58I don't know if it's actually him, but he quotes to me Anglican psalms.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59That's very like him.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01I can't think there would be anyone who wasn't him
0:20:01 > 0:20:03who would want to do that.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05It does seem a very strange pastime, I have to say.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07He's stopped talking to me now though, but he did for a while.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10He's very busy running the country, with his nanny and his valet.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13I think the nanny was doing the tweeting for him.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Mary Poppins and Jeeves are helping him out, that's all we need worry about.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20Thank goodness. All is well in the world of Jacob Rees-Mogg, and I'm sure he's a lovely man.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Anyway, Jeeves was a valet, not a butler.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25What use is a sheep in a gold rush?
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- SAXOPHONE SQUEAKS - Yes?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31It can be cold and lonely on those prairies.
0:20:31 > 0:20:32LAUGHTER
0:20:32 > 0:20:36Yes, that's the first thing that would come into a man of God's mind.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39Huddle for warmth, Stephen, huddle together for warmth.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42No, well, the gold rushes aren't always in cold countries. But...
0:20:42 > 0:20:45- SAXOPHONE SQUEAKS - Is that what... Hang on, the Lord is your shepherd
0:20:45 > 0:20:50and on a cold night on his own, he might shaft you?!
0:20:50 > 0:20:51I believe...
0:20:51 > 0:20:54I believe his rod comforts you.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00They didn't teach me anything at theological college about this.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Oh, sorry, I do apologise.
0:21:02 > 0:21:07Would you filter stuff through wool, thereby extracting the golden ore?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10The man is right on the money, quite literally.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12That's exactly what you'd do. Exactly what you do.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15You take the fleece and the water runs through it
0:21:15 > 0:21:18and it leaves behind the flecks of gold
0:21:18 > 0:21:20and then you dry the fleece and shake them out.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23It's as simple as that, it's a very good way, better than panning.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26And there are people who believe, indeed there's one man who wrote a book about it,
0:21:26 > 0:21:30his name is Tim Severin, he wrote a book called The Jason Voyage,
0:21:30 > 0:21:34he's one of those people who believes a lot of Greek myths, a lot of myths generally,
0:21:34 > 0:21:37are based on originally true stories that have become exaggerated.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40And he believes The Golden Fleece may be one such an example.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Jason may well have taken a golden fleece
0:21:42 > 0:21:45that someone had been using for panning for gold.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48So, now, what would be the best planet in the solar system
0:21:48 > 0:21:50to take your annual holiday in?
0:21:50 > 0:21:52- BELL RINGS - Or on? Yes?
0:21:52 > 0:21:53Earth.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56Absolutely the right answer, I can frankly say.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58I don't think there could be a better answer.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Well, the great advantage of Earth is that you can survive on it.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Yes.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04LAUGHTER
0:22:04 > 0:22:06- It's so lovely on a holiday, isn't it?- Yeah, it is, yeah.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09- To be able to breathe air again. - To just live through it. Yeah.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- SAXOPHONE SQUEAKS - Yeah, exactly. Hello?
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Uranus.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14Why Uranus?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Because it would be much longer.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Ah, now, there you're getting very interesting.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21It's about how long a year is or a season is.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Yeah. How long is a Uranian year?
0:22:23 > 0:22:25A Uranian year is 84 Earth years.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28- 84.- But each day is only 17 hours,
0:22:28 > 0:22:30so again, it spins faster than us.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33So how long would a fortnight be?
0:22:33 > 0:22:34Oh, God! Why am I...
0:22:34 > 0:22:38LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:39 > 0:22:41It's a very good question indeed.
0:22:41 > 0:22:4417 x 14 would be a fortnight.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47- Would be a fortnight. - How long is a year on Jupiter then?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49A year is about 12 of our years, but it spins very quickly,
0:22:49 > 0:22:53- so a day on Jupiter is only about ten hours.- Oh.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56- So you might not get a longer holiday, the further away from...- No.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59And I think I'd need those things that go round your wrists,
0:22:59 > 0:23:01so you don't get travel sick, if it's spinning like that.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03That's right. Jupiter is also entirely gas,
0:23:03 > 0:23:05which is not really very nice.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08The shopping and the sightseeing opportunities are amazing.
0:23:08 > 0:23:13A layer of black liquid hydrogen 27,000 miles thick
0:23:13 > 0:23:17crushes carbon into diamonds that are literally the size of the Ritz.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20So you could really get some serious bling from Jupiter.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22- Try to deal with that.- Yeah.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Sort of that size - a diamond the size of a hotel.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27And another thing that's rather exciting
0:23:27 > 0:23:30is that it precipitates neon rather than water in the atmosphere,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33which creates brilliant bright red rain.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Which is fabulous, that would be so pretty.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38It would be lovely to go, wouldn't it?
0:23:38 > 0:23:40- That there... - That and a certain death.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43You don't want rain on holiday, though, do you, even if it's bonny?
0:23:43 > 0:23:44That storm, that eye as they call it,
0:23:44 > 0:23:46which is in the middle of Jupiter,
0:23:46 > 0:23:49is about four times the size of the Earth, so that's, you know...
0:23:49 > 0:23:51So essentially, Jupiter's a nightmare,
0:23:51 > 0:23:54because your annual holiday, not only is it a shorter fortnight,
0:23:54 > 0:23:56it only happens once every ten years.
0:23:56 > 0:23:58Yes, quite!
0:23:58 > 0:23:59That is true.
0:23:59 > 0:24:00A very bad choice.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04Venus, on the other hand, rotates incredibly slowly.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08A fortnight's break on Venus would last over 15 years.
0:24:08 > 0:24:09That's how long the days are.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11But you'd need factor 980 there, wouldn't you?
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Oh, the weather is awful.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15It's clouds of sulphuric acid,
0:24:15 > 0:24:18the surface is hot enough to melt aluminium.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21So you'd need really thick flip-flops.
0:24:22 > 0:24:23And the atmospheric pressure
0:24:23 > 0:24:27is equivalent to being half a mile under the sea on Earth.
0:24:27 > 0:24:31The air isn't very fresh, it's mostly carbon dioxide.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32So it really is a bit...
0:24:32 > 0:24:36It's a bit like being in an Ibizan club at about six in the morning.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39- Yuck!- But you'd only want a week there, wouldn't you?
0:24:39 > 0:24:42- You'd only want a week on Venus. - You wouldn't want 15 years.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43I think you're right.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47So, it's time for a Jolly Jape, this time involving lasers and balloons.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49What can be coming next?
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Here we are.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53And I've got my laser.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56This is one of these things they use, you know,
0:24:56 > 0:24:59I'm going to point it behind me.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02And we're using the smoke because it shows up the laser line.
0:25:02 > 0:25:04- Can you see it there?- Oh, yes.- Yeah.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07I'm deliberately, obviously... They keep shouting in my ear,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09"Don't point it at people's eyes!" I'm not!
0:25:09 > 0:25:16Don't point it at their fucking eyes! It's fucking dangerous!
0:25:16 > 0:25:21The thing is, he knows he's the one who's going to be fired.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23But there you are,
0:25:23 > 0:25:25you can see reasonably well that there is a laser light there.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28The lighting men are going, "Aaargh!"
0:25:30 > 0:25:33This is ordinary laser light, the kind you'd use to...
0:25:33 > 0:25:35At conferences to point on maps and all the rest of it.
0:25:35 > 0:25:38And I'm just going to press the laser here and...
0:25:38 > 0:25:40- Oh!- Ohh!- And...
0:25:40 > 0:25:41Oh! And...
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Oh! And...
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Green, wow, cool! Ooooh.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Nothing. It's not popping, though.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51- Weird.- So, the black ones pop and the white one doesn't. Alan...
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Racist. You should have a...
0:25:56 > 0:25:57LAUGHTER
0:25:57 > 0:26:02That doesn't even begin to make sense. It's just...
0:26:02 > 0:26:03I want you...
0:26:03 > 0:26:06Take your black marker, please,
0:26:06 > 0:26:08and can you make a black target
0:26:08 > 0:26:10roughly in the centre of the balloon,
0:26:10 > 0:26:13and I'm going to let you press the button, as a reward, if you do it sensibly.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14So, do a big...
0:26:14 > 0:26:17The temptation to draw a cock and balls is overwhelming.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21I know! A big black spot, so it'll work. Just there.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24And fill it in as black as you can.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26- Talk amongst yourselves. - That's right.- Colouring in.
0:26:26 > 0:26:30If you'd worked for Blue Peter, you'd know how to do that while presenting to camera.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34- Oh, yes, sorry. - Yeah! There, you see, exactly.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I haven't done a cock and balls and I know you're disappointed.
0:26:37 > 0:26:40- They're not.- This is the back of Stephen Fry's head.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44- Yeah, it is actually not unlike. OK. - Will that do it, do you think?
0:26:44 > 0:26:46- I reckon that's black enough. - Is that black enough?
0:26:46 > 0:26:50We know that black absorbs light and heat and white we know reflects it.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54And we saw that the laser had enough energy to burst the black balloon.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56So all you have to do, just leave it there,
0:26:56 > 0:26:59it should be pointing in the right direction.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01- Oh!- Hooray!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05There we are, well done.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07Very enjoyable.
0:27:07 > 0:27:08Victory.
0:27:08 > 0:27:12So what was Darth Vader thinking with that?
0:27:12 > 0:27:16You see, the dark side will always lose.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19- Yeah.- Absolutely right. Well, that brings us to the scores!
0:27:19 > 0:27:23Amazingly and finally, and there is no minus score.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Ooh. AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:27:26 > 0:27:28- Wow! In first place... - ALAN CHUCKLES
0:27:28 > 0:27:30- In first place... - Patronising bastards!
0:27:30 > 0:27:34LAUGHTER
0:27:34 > 0:27:36APPLAUSE
0:27:36 > 0:27:38I've had points before!
0:27:38 > 0:27:42In first place... In first place, aided by a first-class brain
0:27:42 > 0:27:44and, of course, divine assistance,
0:27:44 > 0:27:47with 23 points, is Richard Coles!
0:27:47 > 0:27:49APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:51 > 0:27:57- Yep.- I'd like to give my points to the poor.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Oh, what a holy man of God. Yeah, boos from the atheists.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02We know he's only teasing.
0:28:02 > 0:28:05In second place, with plus 13, is David Mitchell.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:10 > 0:28:13In third place, with eight points, is Sarah.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Well done, Sarah Millican.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Thank you. Glad I'm not last.
0:28:19 > 0:28:23And it's not minus! In last place, with zero, is Alan Davies.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26CHEERING AND WHOOPING
0:28:31 > 0:28:33- Well, there you are... - It's not a plus.
0:28:33 > 0:28:38That's all from Sarah, David, Richard, Alan and me.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Thank you, good night and be excellent unto each other. Bye-bye.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd