0:00:30 > 0:00:35Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho ho-ho-ho,
0:00:35 > 0:00:36ho-ho-ho,
0:00:36 > 0:00:40and welcome to QI for the J series Christmas Special,
0:00:40 > 0:00:43which is, of course, called Jingle Bells.
0:00:43 > 0:00:46And just look at my lovely, shiny baubles -
0:00:46 > 0:00:48the sparkling Danny Baker...
0:00:48 > 0:00:50Thank you, good evening.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:56..the twinkling Sarah Millican...
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Yay!
0:00:58 > 0:01:02APPLAUSE
0:01:02 > 0:01:04..the glittering Phill Jupitus...
0:01:04 > 0:01:07APPLAUSE
0:01:10 > 0:01:11..and...
0:01:11 > 0:01:14GLASS BREAKS
0:01:14 > 0:01:16..oh, dear, he's fallen off the tree, Alan Davies.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19CHEERING
0:01:22 > 0:01:26So, Jingle your bells, please. Sarah goes...
0:01:26 > 0:01:27TINKLE
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Danny goes...
0:01:29 > 0:01:31SLEIGH BELLS
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Lovely. Phill goes...
0:01:33 > 0:01:35CHURCH BELLS
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Wow. And Alan goes...
0:01:39 > 0:01:42THE BELLS, THE BELLS!
0:01:42 > 0:01:44LAUGHTER
0:01:44 > 0:01:47Very good. So now, first question.
0:01:47 > 0:01:52It's a musical question. Where did Beethoven put his Jingling Johnny?
0:01:55 > 0:01:56TINKLE
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- Yes, Sarah?- Mrs Beethoven.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01LAUGHTER
0:02:01 > 0:02:03APPLAUSE
0:02:05 > 0:02:06Somebody had to say it.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Yeah, well...
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- Jingling Johnny? - Yes. What do you think?
0:02:11 > 0:02:14I can't imagine a Jingling Johnny, and it's something that the
0:02:14 > 0:02:17good folk at Durex have obviously missed out on.
0:02:17 > 0:02:23A seasonal range, that actually, you know, with a bell in the um...
0:02:23 > 0:02:26LAUGHTER
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- With holly round it. - Yeah. Be nice.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33I'll take that copy of Fifty Shades Of Grey away from you.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35We've started our family Christmas Show just as I hoped we would.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37- Exactly.- Yes, merry Christmas.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40- His Jingling Johnny, what might it be?- Tiny Tim.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41A triangle?
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- Well, you're in the right area.- Ah.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44It's an instrument.
0:02:44 > 0:02:48Other composers, Haydn's 100th Symphony uses a Jingling Johnny.
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Berlioz was extremely fond of them, as was John Philip Sousa.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- And I even have one. - Is it a cow bell?
0:02:54 > 0:02:57It's rather more complex than that. It's this...
0:02:59 > 0:03:01- Wow!- That is a Jingling Johnny. It's a large...
0:03:03 > 0:03:05That would make your eyes water, wouldn't it?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08You were supposed to not bring any props from the Hobbit back.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10LAUGHTER
0:03:16 > 0:03:20Exactly. It was used as a marching, ch-ching-ch-ching.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23You up and down, with a march, up and down.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26That's it, yes.
0:03:26 > 0:03:31The army that used these began with J and has a connection with
0:03:31 > 0:03:35Vienna, the Siege of Vienna, if that means anything historically to you.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36As opposed to...
0:03:36 > 0:03:41# The feeling has gone, only you and I, this means nothing to me... #
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Not... Yeah.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46# Oh, Vienna... #
0:03:46 > 0:03:47Usually...
0:03:48 > 0:03:51It's not Ultravox, it's earlier than that, Vienna...
0:03:51 > 0:03:53Very good popular culture remembered.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56It's good that I should know that, I don't know how I knew that, either.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Between Vienna and the East,
0:03:58 > 0:04:02the whole of that part of Eastern Europe was owned by an empire.
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- Ottoman Empire?- Ottoman Empire.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07Their elite corps was called Janissaries.
0:04:07 > 0:04:11And the Janissaries used these as they marched.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14And Beethoven used it in one of his most famous compositions,
0:04:14 > 0:04:19his Ninth Symphony, the Choral Symphony, he uses a Jingling Johnny.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22And Hector Berlioz, one of the great French composers, claimed that
0:04:22 > 0:04:27"The shaking of its sonorous locks added brilliancy to marching music."
0:04:27 > 0:04:30Ah, I believe that it was later taken up, wasn't it,
0:04:30 > 0:04:34by... On the X-Factor is how they...?
0:04:34 > 0:04:38# Buddy you're a boy, make a big noise... #
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Take it away, it's compulsive.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41I think I'd better take it away from you.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- It's the Casio of its day. - It is. There are other...
0:04:44 > 0:04:45# Casio! #
0:04:45 > 0:04:50There are other instruments of this nature.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Buskers make their own versions.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54There's a thing called the lagerphone,
0:04:54 > 0:04:57it's an Australian version where the ringing noise is made by,
0:04:57 > 0:04:58can you guess?
0:04:58 > 0:05:00- Lager cans.- Oh, yeah, bottle tops.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03Yeah, crowns, the crowns of bottle tops, yeah, exactly.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05If you'd like me just to show you the majesty of Baker.
0:05:05 > 0:05:09Name a '70s single that harnessed one of those instruments?
0:05:09 > 0:05:12Terry Dactyl And The Dinosaurs, Seaside Shuffle.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Ladies and gentlemen, Danny Baker.
0:05:14 > 0:05:15Wow!
0:05:15 > 0:05:17APPLAUSE
0:05:22 > 0:05:24It's like being in the room with Max Planck and Einstein
0:05:24 > 0:05:26while they're talking physics.
0:05:28 > 0:05:29Which instrument was it?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32It was, they used the zob stick, which was what they called it,
0:05:32 > 0:05:34which was the bottle toppy... # Da-da-da... #
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Yes they did. Terry Dactyl And The Dinosaurs.
0:05:37 > 0:05:42You guys, you guys! But anyway, that was the Jingling Johnny.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44So, moving on.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Who sang the first advertising jingle,
0:05:47 > 0:05:49as it's Jingle Bells day today?
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- Wasn't it...the, no? - Not Marconi himself, surely?
0:05:52 > 0:05:54Marconi. "Hey, radio is the way forward."
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Hey, hey, pop that hasn't been invented yet, pickers,
0:05:58 > 0:06:00this is Marconi.
0:06:00 > 0:06:05I was at a party at the BBC and I sat next to Marconi's widow.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08I have touched the wife of the man who invented radio.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10That does seem weird, doesn't it, that she was still alive?
0:06:10 > 0:06:13- Where did you touch her? - Did she mind? Yeah.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17She had been a young girl and he was quite an old man
0:06:17 > 0:06:20when they married, but nonetheless, it's weird to think that
0:06:20 > 0:06:22I could have met the inventor of radio's wife anywhere.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25But the first jingle wasn't on the radio.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Oh, music hall?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30Well, no. The first people ever to sing jingles would have been,
0:06:30 > 0:06:31as it were, you and me.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35They were written in newspapers and on pieces of paper with products.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38There would be the music written out with the words,
0:06:38 > 0:06:39so that you would sing it to yourself.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42So you bought a packet of cigarettes and it went,
0:06:42 > 0:06:46# I'm smoking cigarettes, I'm a man... # Whatever.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Because this was 20 years before they invented radio,
0:06:48 > 0:06:51you know, we're talking about the 1870s and '80s.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Of course, a lot of people had little pianos
0:06:53 > 0:06:54in their front parlours,
0:06:54 > 0:06:56and they would get round and sing the, you know,
0:06:56 > 0:06:58the Wrigley's song, or whatever it was.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01And so the first people ever to sing jingles would have been
0:07:01 > 0:07:02the members of the public themselves.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Have you heard the Von Moltke?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07There's a wax cylinder of Von Moltke, the German general,
0:07:07 > 0:07:11and it's the only recorded voice of someone born in the 18th century.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13He was born in 1798. You can hear his voice.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15That is extraordinary, isn't it?
0:07:15 > 0:07:17I remember, I had the good fortune to meet Alistair Cook,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20the great broadcaster. He said, "Shake my hand,"
0:07:20 > 0:07:22he said, "You're shaking the hand of someone who shook the hand of
0:07:22 > 0:07:25"Bertrand Russell, the philosopher." And I said, "Wow, that's amazing.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28He said, "Oh, no, no, that's not too strange."
0:07:28 > 0:07:32He said, "What's strange is that Bertrand Russell's aunt
0:07:32 > 0:07:34"danced with Napoleon."
0:07:34 > 0:07:36So I shook the hand of someone who shook the hand of someone
0:07:36 > 0:07:38whose aunt danced with Napoleon.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Wow!
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- It is pretty amazing, isn't it? - That is something, yeah.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45Let's go round the table. This hand shook the hand of John Lennon.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47- Oh, wow.- That's good.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48And to him, yeah.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Wow, there we are, we're passing it on.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Yeah, Louie Spence, I've shook his hand.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Oh! Fantastic.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Go on...
0:08:01 > 0:08:03- OK.- Go on, then.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05- River Phoenix. - River Phoenix.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- Ooh.- Oh, good. - Here we go.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12- Jennifer Lopez. - Wow, that's a goodie.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- And if you were coming across here? - Here we go.- Oh, OK.- Alan Davies.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19Whoa! You've gone and trumped us all, haven't you?
0:08:21 > 0:08:23My aunt and uncle are very close to Jesus.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Yes.
0:08:26 > 0:08:27So back right off, all.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30- Oh, there you go. But do you... - You see today.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Jesus is still alive, so that doesn't really count.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Of course. He's behind you.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Whoa!
0:08:35 > 0:08:36And in front.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38And, and it's his birthday!
0:08:38 > 0:08:40ALL: Hurray!
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Wah, wah, wah.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44But radio...
0:08:44 > 0:08:46radio jingles, on the other hand,
0:08:46 > 0:08:48appeared in the 1920s, as a way, oddly,
0:08:48 > 0:08:52to get round NBC's rule that you couldn't advertise directly,
0:08:52 > 0:08:57but what you could do is sing songs which had the sponsor's name in.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59And the show could even be named after the sponsor,
0:08:59 > 0:09:01so like...
0:09:01 > 0:09:04This is Rudy Vallee, a famous performer in his day,
0:09:04 > 0:09:08he had an NBC show called Fleischmann's Yeast Hour.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12LAUGHTER
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Thankfully, that was followed by Perkins' Yoghurt Half-Hour.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20And it was the Sunshine Vitamin Yeast jingle was,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23they consider, probably one of the very first jingles.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25Do you use jingles on your show?
0:09:25 > 0:09:28I use vintage ones, the Ovaltinies one, cheers everybody up.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- Ovaltine is a great famous one.- And ones from the early 60s, you know?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33"Sorry mate, you're too late, the best peas went to Farrows,"
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- which, again, is a beautiful bit of copyright.- Oh, yes.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38Hang on a minute, this is one... # Boom-boom-boom-boom. #
0:09:38 > 0:09:41- Esso Blue.- There we go. - Yeah, I know.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43It's mad, the things that stay in your head.
0:09:43 > 0:09:44Ho-ho-ho...
0:09:44 > 0:09:45ALL: # Green Giant. #
0:09:48 > 0:09:52Free advertising on the BBC. Ah, there we go.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56We're just going to be thigh-deep in paraffin and corn, me and Alan.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58They're going to send you all kinds of free ones.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00So now, what is that one for that malt whisky that
0:10:00 > 0:10:02I was just trying to remember?
0:10:02 > 0:10:04No, but anyway...
0:10:04 > 0:10:08Can you explain the Jesus Christ Dinosaur Hypothesis?
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Why might you call anything a Jesus-something?
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Amongst the properties of Jesus, if you...
0:10:13 > 0:10:16- A walk on water. - Walking on water, that's the one.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19That's the one. Now, there's a particular kind of dinosaur,
0:10:19 > 0:10:22a sort of intermediate dinosaur between birds and dinosaurs,
0:10:22 > 0:10:26150 million years ago, which, in dinosaur terms
0:10:26 > 0:10:28is quite recent, it was not long before they were all wiped out.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30There is a picture.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Oh, isn't it beautiful? like all the dinosaurs.
0:10:32 > 0:10:33They're pretty amazing.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Do you know what that one was called?
0:10:35 > 0:10:36Dave.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39One day the answer might be Dave,
0:10:39 > 0:10:43one day the answer might be blue whale, it's going to be...
0:10:43 > 0:10:44What I'm looking forward to is
0:10:44 > 0:10:47when we have a blue whale called Dave and you don't get it.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49LAUGHTER
0:10:49 > 0:10:51They're called Archaeopteryx.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54And all the fossils for Archaeopteryx, oddly enough,
0:10:54 > 0:10:57are found in a place where there was a sea,
0:10:57 > 0:11:00but there was absolutely no evidence of any trees,
0:11:00 > 0:11:03therefore, it seemed very odd as to how they would fly.
0:11:03 > 0:11:08And there is a suggestion that what they did was they ran on water,
0:11:08 > 0:11:11rather in the way that swans, when they're about to take off,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13let's have a look at a swan about to take off,
0:11:13 > 0:11:15you'll get the idea of what I mean.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17They sort of, like that. It's a beautiful sight.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19They can really run along the water.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20PHILL MAKES ENGINE NOISE
0:11:20 > 0:11:23They think that's what the Archaeopteryx might have done.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26And there are other animals today, still exist,
0:11:26 > 0:11:28that are called the Jesus-something, because they run on water.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31- Can you think of any examples? - Well, there's a lizard.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33There's a Jesus lizard, you might want to see a
0:11:33 > 0:11:34Jesus lizard having a bit of a go.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36The Jesus cow.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38LAUGHTER
0:11:39 > 0:11:41I would pay big money to see a Jesus cow.
0:11:41 > 0:11:44So would I. I'd get one of my own.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46How that works is they blow up their own udders really big.
0:11:49 > 0:11:50Oh, like Space Hoppers.
0:11:54 > 0:11:58There's something very Glenn Marston about that, isn't there?
0:11:58 > 0:12:01But the Jesus lizard can get up to about 20 metres, which is not bad.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Obviously when they stop, they sink, I mean,
0:12:04 > 0:12:06so it's all about the fact that they are literally walking
0:12:06 > 0:12:08or indeed in their case, running, on water.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10They strike the water and they slap it and they go through.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- What else runs on water? - In Jamaica there's one,
0:12:13 > 0:12:15that would have been written about by James Bond.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Bob Marley used to run on water.
0:12:17 > 0:12:18This one would have been...
0:12:18 > 0:12:21"Rita, me going for a run 'pon de lake.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26"Hold me chalice while I run on de water."
0:12:28 > 0:12:30"No woman no drown."
0:12:32 > 0:12:34I'm full of cultural references at the moment.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37This particular one would have been written about by James Bond.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Where did Ian Fleming get the name James Bond?
0:12:40 > 0:12:42- From note paper. - No. He had a book.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48He lived in Jamaica and he had a selection of books on Jamaica.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51And there was as book called The Birds of Jamaica,
0:12:51 > 0:12:52by a man called James Bond.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55- Oh.- And that's where he got the name for his hero.
0:12:55 > 0:12:57And so this man, James Bond, would certainly have
0:12:57 > 0:12:59written about the Jacana, which is a Jesus bird, it's also called
0:12:59 > 0:13:02the Jesus bird, for its apparent ability to walk on water, as well.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04He gets all the credit, and why not For James Bond?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06But let's never forget
0:13:06 > 0:13:08he also wrote Chitty Bang Bang, Ian Fleming wrote Chitty Bang Bang.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10Yes, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12And a character in that was called Caractacus Potts,
0:13:12 > 0:13:14I didn't understand that joke for years.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- Potts, isn't that wonderful? - What's the joke?
0:13:16 > 0:13:19LAUGHTER
0:13:19 > 0:13:21He was a crack-pot, he was an inventor.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- Crack-pot.- Oh, a crack pot! - Yeah. I know.- Ah.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26Are you a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang fan?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28I haven't watched it since I was a child,
0:13:28 > 0:13:31- because I think that's when you're supposed to watch it.- Supposed to.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Do you know, that's girls, you see, little girls grow up to be
0:13:34 > 0:13:36women and little boys grow up to be big, little boys.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- We've got too much stuff to do. - We still watch children's films.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40- Do you have children, though?- No.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Ah, well, yes, when you do then remember...
0:13:43 > 0:13:45- No no no, no. - You plan not to?
0:13:45 > 0:13:47No. There's no "when", Stephen.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48- There's no...- No.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50You're not going to adopt a little...shiny little baby?
0:13:50 > 0:13:52A shiny one?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54LAUGHTER
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Are they varnished? Can I varnish one?
0:13:56 > 0:14:00I don't know. They might be more attractive if they're shiny.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02It's not my field, I don't...
0:14:02 > 0:14:05And then Stephen revealed his plans for a child-buffing workshop.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07LAUGHTER
0:14:09 > 0:14:13Where craftsmen will get toddlers to a high sheen.
0:14:14 > 0:14:18More, more lacquer, little boy?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23PHILL IMITATES MACHINE NOISE
0:14:25 > 0:14:30Baaa. You're the shiniest one.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34We shall put you in the Harrods window.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Oh, stop it!
0:14:35 > 0:14:38"I'm still alive in here, I'm still alive in here."
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- "Why I can see..." - "Help me!"
0:14:40 > 0:14:43"I can see my face in your face. It's..."
0:14:43 > 0:14:44MACHINE NOISE
0:14:44 > 0:14:47You might have changed my mind, I thought they were very matt,
0:14:47 > 0:14:48I had no idea.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51Nice shiny little baby, I think they're lovely.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54Although, slightly put off by the idea of the child-buffing...
0:14:54 > 0:14:57LAUGHTER
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Thank you for that, so much.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Let me take you back now to your childhood and innocence.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- You remember all those white Christmases?- No.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13- No?- Oh, OK. I remember one.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15- Yeah.- 1971.
0:15:15 > 0:15:171970. The January was '71.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19- There you go. - Christmas itself was 1970.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Had you said "yes" I would buzz you,
0:15:21 > 0:15:24cos you don't remember any, because you're from the south east.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26You might remember a few more, because South Shields has had more.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28- We've actually tried to work out... - Have you? Good.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30..how many white Christmases you've had.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32We think you might have had them
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- when you were one, three, four, five, six and nine.- Wow.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- Which is actually quite a lot. - That is quite a lot.
0:15:37 > 0:15:40Because in the whole of the 20th century, if you lived in London
0:15:40 > 0:15:43and the South East, there were only four white Christmases.
0:15:43 > 0:15:44- Ha ha!- I know!
0:15:45 > 0:15:47It is extraordinary.
0:15:47 > 0:15:52And they were in 1927, 1938, 1970 and 1981.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54As we know, in the 21st century, we've had a few.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58But what's important about this is that in the early part of
0:15:58 > 0:16:03the 19th century, around about 1812 to 1820, there were eight in a row.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04Oh.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Now, why was that important to our culture?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Is that when the song was written?
0:16:09 > 0:16:13No. A certain child was born in 1812. We will...
0:16:13 > 0:16:14Jesus.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16LAUGHTER
0:16:16 > 0:16:17Mormon!
0:16:17 > 0:16:20You really do need a little bit of a religious education.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22This was an author, a writer who's created idea...
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- Charles Dickens. - Oh, OK, Dickens, yeah.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Charles Dickens. For the first eight years of his life,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29it always snowed on Christmas Day.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32And so whenever he mentions Christmas, not just
0:16:32 > 0:16:35in A Christmas Carol, but in several other novels, it's always snowing,
0:16:35 > 0:16:39and this helped the myth in British culture of a snowy Christmas.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43He also lived at a time known as the little ice age, you know this,
0:16:43 > 0:16:47- I'm sure you've seen paintings of fairs on the River Thames.- Yeah.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49There were times when the River Thames froze so solidly they
0:16:49 > 0:16:52would have fairs, not just fairs, they'd have bonfires on the ice.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Those crazy Cockneys.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Yes. But that they could guarantee...
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- "Light a fire up!"- Yeah. - "It's freezing!"
0:16:59 > 0:17:02"Let's light a fire on the river on the ice.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04"What could possibly go wrong?"
0:17:04 > 0:17:06But the odd thing is, nothing did go wrong,
0:17:06 > 0:17:08because it was so thick, the ice.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12The last frost fair, as they were called, was in 1813/14,
0:17:12 > 0:17:13- on the frozen River Thames.- Wow.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16But anyway, this century we've had more white Christmases,
0:17:16 > 0:17:19as we know, but only four in the entire 20th century,
0:17:19 > 0:17:22- and only two in our lifetimes.- Yeah. - More in Scotland.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25I'm really being very metro-centric here and I apologise for that.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27But that's just the fact of the matter.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29Now, what's the best thing to do with your old Christmas tree?
0:17:29 > 0:17:32TINKLE
0:17:32 > 0:17:35- Yes?- I just, I put mine back in the spare room.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40I do, and I just, it's still fully decorated.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- I just unplug it.- Oh, so you have an artificial one?- Of course.
0:17:43 > 0:17:47- Oh, I see.- I just unplug it and then put it all in,
0:17:47 > 0:17:50so in my spare room it's always Christmas.
0:17:50 > 0:17:51(AUDIENCE) Aww...
0:17:51 > 0:17:55Well, imagine if it was a real tree, rather than an artificial one.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Sell it to Africans?
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Cos according to Bob Geldof, they don't know when it's Christmas.
0:18:00 > 0:18:01And you aim...
0:18:01 > 0:18:02LAUGHTER
0:18:02 > 0:18:06..wouldn't know. So, oh, here's a tree, when you've finished with it.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08But when you've finished with it, it's too late.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- It won't be Christmas. - No, they don't know, do they?
0:18:10 > 0:18:12They do know when it's January.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14But do they know it's Christmas time at all? No.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17You're compounding the felony. Well, it's rather pleasing.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20It's actually possibly the best thing you could think of doing.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Give it to a zoo. There are animals that would love it.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- In Germany, they do this regularly. - Aww...
0:18:26 > 0:18:29- Yeah. Elephants, elephants love it. - Isn't that lovely, look?- I know.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31An elephant can have five Christmas trees for lunch.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Five Christmas trees!
0:18:33 > 0:18:37And giraffes, rhinos, at Dresden Zoo, camel, deer,
0:18:37 > 0:18:39sheep also enjoy it.
0:18:39 > 0:18:43So before London Zoo writes me a letter saying,
0:18:43 > 0:18:46"What the hell have you done, Stephen?"
0:18:46 > 0:18:49Because the entire Regents Park is covered,
0:18:49 > 0:18:51ring up the zoo first and ask if they'd like your Christmas tree.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54But as long as it isn't too covered in hideous bits of silver tinsel,
0:18:54 > 0:18:56and you've got rid of all the nastiness.
0:18:56 > 0:18:58How much cuter that elephant would look
0:18:58 > 0:19:00if it had a little bit of tinsel on it.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Well, it might look cuter,
0:19:02 > 0:19:04but I don't think it's nutritively valuable for it.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06No. You know what tinsel is?
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Mirrors for snakes.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11- Aah.- Aah. I like that, that's rather sweet.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12That's adorable.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14I can't bear people who do that on Boxing Day.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Sometimes you go out Boxing Day or the day after
0:19:16 > 0:19:19and there's trees outside people's houses, that's not the spirit.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22- 6th of January.- There you go. - Yes, 12th night. Absolutely.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23- Is it? Is it?- Yes.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26Because that's always a perennial argument. It's the 6th, is it?
0:19:26 > 0:19:27- Yes. 12th Night.- Oh, OK.- Yes.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Because we do it on the 5th and that's why I've had no luck.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- Well, no, ah.- Ah.- Ah.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35Well, is it midnight on the 5th or is it...oh, hell!
0:19:35 > 0:19:37That's what this programme's here for, things like this.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39Now you've got me worried.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Oh, the chatrooms will be ablaze now.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44LAUGHTER
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- It's the 5th.- Right.- If you include Christmas night, that's one.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Oh, hell. Oh God.
0:19:50 > 0:19:5626th, 27th, 28th, 29th, 30, 31, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
0:19:56 > 0:20:00- Bang, thank you. There you go. - That's the 7th night, then.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04- What I've done there is... - He's gone round once.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07I've gone round once.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08Take that away, I'll take that away.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Get your socks off, get your socks off,
0:20:10 > 0:20:12it's the only way he'll believe you.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13I think the jury's still out.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Anyway, we're going to have a quick fire round now
0:20:15 > 0:20:18and it's about Jesus, because it isn't just about eggnog and tinsel.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21So, fingers on buzzers. What did Jesus' mum call him?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- TINKLE - Yes?
0:20:23 > 0:20:27- Shiny?- Shiny. She might have called him shiny.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29THE BELLS!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Jo Junior.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35Closer, basically, yes. There is a name that he had.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Yay-zuice. The name that we have called Jesus,
0:20:38 > 0:20:42that's a Greek version of a Hebrew name which is also
0:20:42 > 0:20:44used as a name given to people in Britain.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Dave.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52I'll tell you what I will do...
0:20:52 > 0:20:53Welcome back.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56I'll tell you what, I'll give you points if you can tell me
0:20:56 > 0:21:00why there are so many begats, so and so begats, so and so begats,
0:21:00 > 0:21:02until they come to Joseph in the opening Gospels.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05Who were they trying to prove that Christ was descended from?
0:21:05 > 0:21:06Oh, Abraham.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- Dave!- Dave.- Yes, David.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11- David, David.- That was the answer that would have been Dave.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13And I said Abraham, what a idiot!
0:21:13 > 0:21:16He's given it to me on a plate. He had a plate.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17I gave it to you on a plate.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Yes, he was descended from Dave, but his real name was Yeshua,
0:21:20 > 0:21:22which is in fact?
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- Joshua.- He was Joshua. His name was Yeshua.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27His mother would have called him Yeshua or Joshua.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30So that's one. OK, very good.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Where is the world's tallest statue of Jesus?
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Oh...
0:21:34 > 0:21:37Now. Ah, now. Is it the statue or is it on top of something?
0:21:37 > 0:21:38The statue height or how high?
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- The actual, simply, tallest statue of Jesus.- I'm going to guess
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Rio de Janeiro.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44Oh, dear, no, sadly it isn't Rio.
0:21:44 > 0:21:48We all know that one, Cristo Redentor, the famous one there.
0:21:48 > 0:21:49It's a tall one, it's a tall one.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51It is, gosh it's tall. Don't get me wrong.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53But...
0:21:53 > 0:21:55THE BELLS!
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- America.- No. There is an even taller one in Bolivia,
0:21:58 > 0:22:00but that's not the tallest either.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02The actual tallest one is in Poland.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03Oh.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Would you believe? In Swiebodzin, I'm sure I've pronounced that wrong.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07There it is.
0:22:07 > 0:22:11It's 33 metres tall, one metre for each year of Christ's life,
0:22:11 > 0:22:13plus a three-metre crown.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16If the crown wasn't on that, the one in Bolivia would be the tallest.
0:22:16 > 0:22:20So, now, how many people did Jesus feed at the feeding of the 5,000?
0:22:24 > 0:22:25TINKLE
0:22:25 > 0:22:27Yes, go on?
0:22:27 > 0:22:314,998 because there was a couple who were bit suspicious.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36- They don't like fish.- Yeah, exactly. - A couple of Vegans.
0:22:36 > 0:22:40"Oh, no, it gives me the creeps, all scaly, oh, no, no.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43"Can I just have toast? All right, nothing for me, then."
0:22:43 > 0:22:46I will quote you Matthew, 14.21, "The number of those who ate was
0:22:46 > 0:22:49"5,000 men, besides women and children."
0:22:49 > 0:22:53- Oh.- Oh.- So there were a lot more than 5,000.- Why don't we count?
0:22:53 > 0:22:55It's the Bible.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Women get stoned just for looking at people in an odd way.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59Very different times. Different times.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02I'm afraid it's not fair or right or just and I agree with you,
0:23:02 > 0:23:03- it's horrible.- Stupid thing!
0:23:07 > 0:23:10I'm with you.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12It was known as The Miracle Of The Five Loaves And Two Fishes.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15However, how many were there at the feeding of the 4,000?
0:23:15 > 0:23:16Oh...
0:23:16 > 0:23:184,000 men! Huh!
0:23:21 > 0:23:23Well, oddly enough, this is a separate one, a separate feeding.
0:23:23 > 0:23:27Because you've got the 5,000 in Matthew and the 4,000.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30This one he fed 4,000 men plus the women and children, again,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33and that's called The Miracle Of The Seven Loaves And Fishes.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- I've never heard of that, so it was two.- Yeah.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38So he was a caterer?
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Yes. Basically.
0:23:41 > 0:23:42How many disciples did Jesus have?
0:23:42 > 0:23:45Oh, here we go.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47- Christmas, be nice.- Yeah.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49- 12.- 12.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52SIREN
0:23:52 > 0:23:55No, no, again we look to the Gospel of Luke here.
0:23:55 > 0:24:00He had 72. He had, basically, he had a posse.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01He had an entourage.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Was it 12 men, the rest were women, so that's why they don't count?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07No, no.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09"After this the Lord appointed 72," he's got the 12, but
0:24:09 > 0:24:11"he appointed 72 others and sent them
0:24:11 > 0:24:13"two-by-two ahead of him to every town and place
0:24:13 > 0:24:14"where he was about to go."
0:24:14 > 0:24:18The 12 most famous of his disciples are, of course, the Apostles.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21OK, now, it's time to pull our Christmas crackers.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24We have decided, you know, the jokes are always terrible, aren't they?
0:24:24 > 0:24:28So we wondered, is it because we tell them the wrong way round?
0:24:28 > 0:24:32And what you should have is the punch line from the joke,
0:24:32 > 0:24:37not the joke. We want you to work out the joke from the punch line.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- Oh, look, look, I can do an impression. Hang on.- Oh, go on, then.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42I've got to do an impression.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Look, I'm in Poland.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Hey, hey!
0:24:46 > 0:24:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:49 > 0:24:50Very good.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Wait.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54All right, have you found your jokes? Danny?
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Mine just says, "That's not funny."
0:24:55 > 0:24:58I don't know if it's a note from the producers of the show here, but...
0:24:58 > 0:24:59That's harsh, isn't it?
0:24:59 > 0:25:01You have to work out what the joke is.
0:25:01 > 0:25:02A limerick?
0:25:02 > 0:25:06When the government ran out of money...
0:25:06 > 0:25:11and things look real bleak and not sunny, we all had a bash,
0:25:11 > 0:25:15using these jokes as cash, but Germans said,
0:25:15 > 0:25:16"Ein, that's not funny!"
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- Hey!- Yes!
0:25:19 > 0:25:20Aye-aye.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22- That's a quick... - Aye-aye. Thank you.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25Thank you.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28I have to say, it's a lot better than the real joke,
0:25:28 > 0:25:31which is how many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
0:25:31 > 0:25:33- That's not funny.- Oh, that's not funny.- Do you know the one,
0:25:33 > 0:25:36- how many Freudians it takes to change a light bulb?- No, go on.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39It takes one to screw in the light bulb and the other to hold the cock.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40Father, ladder!
0:25:40 > 0:25:42LAUGHTER
0:25:42 > 0:25:44There you go.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51That's brilliant.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Anyway, so, Phill, what's your punch line?
0:25:54 > 0:25:57My punch line is subordinate clauses.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Wow. What can the joke be?
0:25:59 > 0:26:01And the joke is,
0:26:01 > 0:26:05"What is a sadomasochistic Santa Claus's favourite thing?"
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Oh, well, that's not bad.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11The real answer is, what do you call Santa's little helpers?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Subordinate clauses.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16STEPHEN GROANS
0:26:16 > 0:26:19OK, Sarah, your turn, what's your punch line?
0:26:19 > 0:26:22My punch line is, "The trifle tower." Ha, ha.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25You might be able to guess this particular joke, what's the joke?
0:26:25 > 0:26:28That's the only reason I went to bloody Paris.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30That would, that would do it.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33What's tall and wobbly and is in Paris, is, you know, the trifle.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35- Me, when I went to Paris. - Oh, no!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39I'm not that tall, actually.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40Alan, we haven't had yours, have we?
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Well, mine says that, "Eat, drink and be Mary."
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Eat, drink and be Mary. What do you think the joke is?
0:26:46 > 0:26:49What did Jesus' mum do on Christmas Day, or something?
0:26:49 > 0:26:52No, it's, "What does a transvestite do on Christmas Day?"
0:26:54 > 0:26:56- Eat, drink and be Mary. - Eat, drink and be Mary.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14The thing is, I can't actually get these off.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17I can see, I can see everything.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Good.
0:27:20 > 0:27:21We've got one more punch line.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25"It's very good cold on Boxing Day, too."
0:27:25 > 0:27:28- Turkey.- No.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Remember a puppy isn't just for Christmas.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35- Ah.- Aah.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38- Ooh, that's a bit sick, isn't it? - Oh, that's awful.
0:27:38 > 0:27:39What's wrong with you?
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Anyway, our sleighs have finally hit the buffers
0:27:44 > 0:27:48and it remains only for me to try and pick a winner from the wreckage.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51And it's quite remarkable.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54The clear winner, with four points, Danny Christmas Baker.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Hurray, ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. Ho-ho-ho-ho.
0:27:57 > 0:28:02God love us, one and all! Love us one and all. Hurray!
0:28:03 > 0:28:08And Sarah, Sarah, whom Jesus didn't feed, did fantastically well
0:28:08 > 0:28:11and is in second place with minus six.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Yay!
0:28:17 > 0:28:22And Bob Cratchit writing away at the ledger shivering with little
0:28:22 > 0:28:25coal and feeling that it isn't very Christmassy at all,
0:28:25 > 0:28:28on minus 32, Phill Jupitus.
0:28:34 > 0:28:36But with a staggering minus 38,
0:28:36 > 0:28:38it's Dave Dave Dave Dave Davies.
0:28:45 > 0:28:49And it's snowing! Hurrah!
0:28:49 > 0:28:52So, that's all from Sarah, Danny, Phill, Alan and me.
0:28:52 > 0:28:53And a very, very happy
0:28:53 > 0:28:56and a quite, Quite Interesting Christmas to you all.
0:28:56 > 0:28:57Good night.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd