0:00:24 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Well! Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:33 > 0:00:34good evening, good evening,
0:00:34 > 0:00:36good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:36 > 0:00:40and welcome to QI, where we're all feeling rather jolly.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44Here to tickle our ribs are four jolly good fellows.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46The jovial Rob Brydon.
0:00:46 > 0:00:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:53The jocular Tim Vine.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:01:00The jubilant Julia Zemiro.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:04And...
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Jesus, it's Alan Davies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Ah, well, so if anyone wants to go beyond a joke tonight,
0:01:16 > 0:01:18they'll have to jingle their jangles and Julia goes...
0:01:18 > 0:01:21LAUGHING KOOKABURRA
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- Oh, it's an animal from my country. - Yeah.
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- That's nice, a bird, a kookaburra, thank you.- It is a kookaburra,
0:01:27 > 0:01:31- well spotted. Tim goes... - LAUGHING HYENA
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Oh, it's an animal from my country.
0:01:35 > 0:01:36And Rob goes...
0:01:36 > 0:01:39GIGGLING BABY
0:01:40 > 0:01:43- Aw! It's an animal from the country. - Yeah.
0:01:43 > 0:01:47- And Alan goes... - BRAYING DONKEY
0:01:51 > 0:01:53- Wow.- Fabulous.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56So, simple question, who's Hapi?
0:01:59 > 0:02:03- He's happy in the picture.- Yes.- Yes. - Old men with young ladies. Or...
0:02:03 > 0:02:04old ladies with young men.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07- I was going to say...- Why not? - They may be gerontophiles.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- Not me.- Not you? No, fair enough. OK.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- It's one of the dwarfs. - True, as in the old joke.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14- Six out of seven dwarfs aren't Happy.- I can't believe it!
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- They haven't got that on the klaxon?- No, they haven't.
0:02:16 > 0:02:21This is a Hapi whose name is happy, spelt H-A-P-I.
0:02:21 > 0:02:26- Edwin Starr had a song, H-A-P-P-Y Radio.- Oh, really?- Yeah.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30- Anyway, continue.- No, that's good. It's good - good information.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32We love good information here, as you know.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36- We have to go back to a previous civilisation.- Is it... Um, no.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40- Aztecs.- Egyptian.- Egyptian is right. - Oh, get stuffed, I can't believe it!
0:02:40 > 0:02:42- LAUGHING KOOKABURRA - When you get it right,
0:02:42 > 0:02:44you don't have to insult me.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47- No, I know.- You can accept your points gracefully.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50That picture is actually the backdrop to a famous game show -
0:02:50 > 0:02:51I'll Name That Tomb In One.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57- Very good. - What sort of reaction is that?!
0:02:57 > 0:03:01- It's one Tim is very used to. - It's what I'm used to, yes.- Yes.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03That's what you sphinx.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09- So that is the god...- A very unusual mind we have on this show.- It is.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13This is a god called Hapi, who was always represented to have
0:03:13 > 0:03:16been faintly pot-bellied and sort of hermaphroditic with breasts.
0:03:16 > 0:03:19Hapi had breasts, though was not considered female,
0:03:19 > 0:03:22and had a sort of harem of...?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- Ladies.- Men.- Animals.- No.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- Men. Boys. - Castrati.- Frogs.- Frogs?- Yeah.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Frogs, Tim.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Er, hang on.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34There'll be a pun in a minute.
0:03:34 > 0:03:38Do you think if the frogs in the harem really started to get it on
0:03:38 > 0:03:41with each other, and one of them whipped out a camcorder,
0:03:41 > 0:03:42would that be frogs'-porn?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Oh!
0:03:44 > 0:03:45APPLAUSE
0:03:48 > 0:03:50You are a malign influence.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57The worrying thing is, I have actually done that joke in the past.
0:03:57 > 0:04:01- It's too late now, it's too late. - He's the thief of bad gags.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04The fact is, Hapi was the god who was responsible for
0:04:04 > 0:04:08the flooding of the Nile, which was an annual event, took place in July
0:04:08 > 0:04:10and was cause of much celebration.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12If you've ever been up or down the Nile,
0:04:12 > 0:04:15you will know that it's really just this great carving of green
0:04:15 > 0:04:19through a desert, which is all made fertile by this river.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22So it was... The whole civilisation was predicated on the flooding
0:04:22 > 0:04:25of the Nile and Hapi was the god who caused it.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28So, moving on, what's the jolliest,
0:04:28 > 0:04:33but frankly most dangerous thing you can buy in a joke shop?
0:04:33 > 0:04:34LAUGHING HYENA
0:04:34 > 0:04:38- Tim?- I went to a joke shop. I said, "What are you actually selling here?"
0:04:38 > 0:04:40He said, "Nothing, we're not a real shop."
0:04:45 > 0:04:46Anyway, I've got some jokes here
0:04:46 > 0:04:48that give you an example. Here we are.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52And almost all of these were invented by one man,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55who could be regarded as the father of the joke shop.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57Have some nuts, Tim.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59- What happens when you open the nuts?- JULIA: Oh, no.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02I'm guessing I could aim this at Rob...
0:05:02 > 0:05:04- SQUEAKING - You're guessing.
0:05:04 > 0:05:05And it's hours of laughter.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10Tim, that reminds me of last Saturday evening, in an odd way.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14It's a man called Soren Sorensen Adams.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17And he started life working for a coal-tar derivative company.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21And coal-tar derivatives have many uses, one of which was for a dye.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23And the particular dye that came from coal-tar
0:05:23 > 0:05:27had the bizarre side effect of making people sneeze.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29So the company managed to isolate the ingredient
0:05:29 > 0:05:31that made people sneeze and took it out.
0:05:31 > 0:05:33And he happened to be passing and he saw
0:05:33 > 0:05:36these great barrels of the stuff that made people sneeze.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37He thought, "I'll have those."
0:05:37 > 0:05:41So he founded The Cachoo Sneezing Powder Company,
0:05:41 > 0:05:43and it was a huge, huge success.
0:05:43 > 0:05:48He sold 15,000 worth of Cachoo, just in the first year,
0:05:48 > 0:05:50a vast sum in 1910, which is around the time we are.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54But 25 years later, it was banned by the FDA for being toxic.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- Oh.- But he had meantime... - After several deaths.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58Yes.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02Meantime, he had invented the squirting lapel flower.
0:06:02 > 0:06:06- Oh.- Oh.- That would fool anybody, wouldn't it?- Oldie but a goody, yes.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08There we go. It has a little ring.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12- I used to have one of those.- There's a...- Oh...- Hey! Highly amusing.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- Help yourself to a dog turd. Oops, there we are.- Eurgh.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19They're different. The old ones were hard plastic, that's squidgy.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- You're touching that. Eurgh. - It's really quite unpleasant.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Oh... Oh, dear!
0:06:25 > 0:06:28That is horrible, isn't it?
0:06:28 > 0:06:30JULIA: Eurgh!
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Even if that isn't a dog turd, that's a horrible thing to do.
0:06:35 > 0:06:36Uuuuugh!
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Oh, my God!
0:06:45 > 0:06:48- Oh!- If you swallow that...
0:06:48 > 0:06:52If I swallow it, it's going to come out the other end, that'll be good.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55What is it then? Fake or not?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57Then it would be a real false turd.
0:06:57 > 0:06:58Oh, actually, Alan, I'm just getting a...
0:06:58 > 0:07:01just getting a message there's been a bit of a mix-up, apparently.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07- This is a real one!- Oh, dear.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11And here's a... Here's a... You can cut your finger off.
0:07:11 > 0:07:15Or you could try this pen. Try writing something with the pen.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17Oh, this is going to be hilarious.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19- Go on, then.- Oh, dear.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- I never touched it!- Did he get a shock?- I think so.
0:07:28 > 0:07:29That is... I'm really sorry,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32because that is quite a severe electric shock.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35- It's not... - I'll just take your word for it.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39It's not insignificant, that one. That is barely a joke.
0:07:39 > 0:07:44- It's not funny at all, Stephen! - I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49- Give it back to me.- That really hurt.- Aaah. A bendy pencil.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- I don't want a bendy pencil! - A joy buzzer.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55He sold three million of these during the Depression.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57You shake hands with someone with one of those?
0:07:57 > 0:08:00That's right, you put the sort of ring on your finger
0:08:00 > 0:08:01so it looks sort of normal. And then...
0:08:01 > 0:08:05- Can you buzz me?- Yeah, you want to shake hands. Like that.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08- It doesn't give you a shock.- It's a bit of a letdown.- It's just a buzz.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12He passed on... I say "he passed on this", I don't mean...
0:08:12 > 0:08:15He thought this was too vulgar to sell -
0:08:15 > 0:08:18the standard whoopee cushion. You might want to blow that up. Yeah.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20It's not Soren Lorensen,
0:08:20 > 0:08:22who's the imaginary friend in the Charlie and Lola books, is it?
0:08:22 > 0:08:27No, it's not. It's Soren Sorensen Adams. It's quite difficult to...
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Is this a joke whoopee cushion you can't blow up?
0:08:29 > 0:08:32It is difficult to get the sphincter open, isn't it?
0:08:32 > 0:08:34- SQUEAKING - Whoa!
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Ah, there we go, that's right.
0:08:37 > 0:08:41Maybe while Alan isn't looking... Alan, lean over here for a second.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44That's it, take the false egg, which is hilarious.
0:08:44 > 0:08:46WHOOPEE CUSHION EMITS FAINT PUFF
0:08:46 > 0:08:48LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:51 > 0:08:54That was possibly the least convincing whoopee cushion noise
0:08:54 > 0:08:55I've ever heard.
0:08:55 > 0:09:00- JULIA: Silent, but deadly.- Yeah. - It was strangely realistic.- Yeah.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02I just smothered it completely.
0:09:02 > 0:09:07- Alan's wearing a whoopee cushion silencer on his jeans.- Very sensible.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10The best one is the fart... the remote-control fart machine.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- Yeah.- Have you got one of those?- Of course I have. Yes.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- Has anyone got one? - How does it work?
0:09:14 > 0:09:16- You've got to get one. - They are marvellous.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17You just, at Christmas...
0:09:17 > 0:09:19You bury it under the cushion near your aunt.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Yes, it's funny even if you just put it under your dog's basket,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25- because the dog... - Absolutely.- The dog goes like that.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- I'll take a picture. Alan, smile. - No, what's going to happen now!
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Oh. It's supposed to be water.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35Anyway, we can probably put away our little tray of fun toys,
0:09:35 > 0:09:39having electrocuted Alan, which was the purpose of the evening. Maybe you could pass me your...
0:09:39 > 0:09:43- How do you blow it up, then? - Could you pass me your turd?
0:09:44 > 0:09:49Woo. That's meant... I think if you over...maybe...
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Have a go.
0:09:50 > 0:09:51FRUITY RASPBERRY
0:09:51 > 0:09:53That's better!
0:09:53 > 0:09:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:59 > 0:10:02One of these has never had a round of applause from 600 people before.
0:10:02 > 0:10:06Yeah! I read somewhere that this was "the intellectual quiz show",
0:10:06 > 0:10:07and you can see why.
0:10:07 > 0:10:11Now, one of the things I want to prepare you for is to see
0:10:11 > 0:10:15if you can, during the course of today's lesson,
0:10:15 > 0:10:18prepare, in any spare moments you have, a limerick for me.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19- You know what a limerick is?- Yes.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22- Aside from being a county in Ireland.- It's a town.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- Yes. - There was an old man from Limerick,
0:10:24 > 0:10:26who was unaware of the short, often humorous, poems
0:10:26 > 0:10:28that shared the same name as his home town.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Very, very good. Anyway, so do be ready for that.
0:10:37 > 0:10:40But we've got a quickie for you. What happens if you put
0:10:40 > 0:10:42someone's hand in a bowl of water while they're sleeping?
0:10:42 > 0:10:44LAUGHING BABY
0:10:44 > 0:10:47They have a little widdle, don't they?
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Oh, no!
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- They don't have a little widdle. - They don't?
0:10:51 > 0:10:53No, it's a total myth.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Total myth, perpetuated by schoolchildren and others.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59All kinds of experiments have been done.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01That splendid programme, Myth Busters, tried it.
0:11:01 > 0:11:05Zero wetting ensued. There's no reason why it should happen.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06It must have happened once.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- Well, by coincidence, possibly. - By coincidence.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10That coincidence was assumed to be causal
0:11:10 > 0:11:13and from that moment on the myth was born.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16You can try it at home, I recommend it, with your spouses and children.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18Like the one where if you wet yourself
0:11:18 > 0:11:19while driving, you crash the car.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- I would frankly... - Has that not happened to everyone?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28If I crashed a car, I think I would wet myself.
0:11:28 > 0:11:33- It's the other way round. - That's what's interesting about the experiment.- Yeah, it is. Absolutely.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35What about when you fall asleep and you wake up
0:11:35 > 0:11:37and you've had half your eyebrow shaved off?
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- Then you have bad friends. - I do have hideous friends.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- Yeah, cos that's the other thing that can happen.- Yeah.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44It's all right, I'm over it, it's fine.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- You had your eyebrows shaved off? - Yeah, you know?
0:11:47 > 0:11:48Obviously, no-one's had it happen.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Yeah, you fall asleep and someone goes,
0:11:50 > 0:11:52"Oh, this will be even funnier."
0:11:52 > 0:11:53Put your hand in a bottle of thing
0:11:53 > 0:11:55and voom, voom, you wake up and you look hideous.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59- That's just vile!- I'm Australian.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Anyway, so there you go.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07What would be the best flavour for an exploding sandwich?
0:12:07 > 0:12:09- LAUGHING HYENA - Tim Vine?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Cheese and ham grenade.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19Very good. Very good. Excellent. There is...
0:12:19 > 0:12:22- No, is it wrong, then?- It's wrong.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24Well, I mean it would explode, obviously.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Sauerkraut and cabbage can make you explode, on a different level, also funny.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30This one would make you explode on that level too.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32It's in fact a classic English sandwich,
0:12:32 > 0:12:34as in The Importance Of Being Ernest.
0:12:34 > 0:12:38- What are the sandwiches that Aunt Augusta particularly liked? - Watercress.- Cucumber?- Mustard.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41She particularly liked cucumber sandwiches.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43But this is a very specific species of cucumber.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45There it is, you see, it's quite spiky.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48- The exploding cucumber of Panama. - There's the fuse.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Yes, it's the exploding cucumber.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52- It's the squirting or exploding cucumber.- Come on.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55It's a Mediterranean plant and, when touched,
0:12:55 > 0:12:59it propels its seeds in a sticky mucus at over 60mph.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03- You're pointing at Rob. - I'm not pointing at Rob.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05I'm just saying when that picture came up,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08we looked across at each other and we both went, "Oh, testicles."
0:13:08 > 0:13:12- I mean, it's clear. Didn't we? Were you?- But can we be very clear,
0:13:12 > 0:13:19I do not propel my seeds in a sticky mucus at 80mph.
0:13:19 > 0:13:21And certainly not up to 30 feet.
0:13:21 > 0:13:26- No, not... Well, on a good day, on a good day.- In the teens.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29So you can see it's being touched here
0:13:29 > 0:13:33and you can see the effect of the operation of it exploding.
0:13:33 > 0:13:38If you look carefully. Boing! Yeah, that's... I mean, it's a sexual act.
0:13:38 > 0:13:40I mean, it is spreading its seed.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43And you can see the seeds flying everywhere. Whoa!
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- Does it do that to itself? - Well, no, it's...
0:13:46 > 0:13:48Because that looks like another bit of it.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Yeah, when it's very, very ripe and it falls, it will do it,
0:13:51 > 0:13:53but otherwise when touched, it will also do it.
0:13:53 > 0:13:56Its actual Linnaean name is Ecballium elaterium,
0:13:56 > 0:13:58which translates as the squirting squirter,
0:13:58 > 0:14:01ecballium as in ballistics, it throws out,
0:14:01 > 0:14:03and that's the forceful ejection of its seeds.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06But the elaterium is the fact that it is a violent purgative.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09So it's a squirting squirter that gives you the squirts.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13So, yes, it would...it would make you explode from behind as well.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- So in that sense, it's fully explosive.- Great!
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- Now, what's the worst place to be licked by a goat?- Oh!
0:14:21 > 0:14:23At your parents' house.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26- The perineum. - Well, the perineum would be
0:14:26 > 0:14:30- a bit unpleasant... - What bizarre set of circumstances
0:14:30 > 0:14:34would result in you being,
0:14:34 > 0:14:38having your perineum well and truly licked by a goat?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41What he said is not the right answer, I ought to tell you.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- So it's not the perineum?- No, it's not.- Is it to do with the tongue
0:14:44 > 0:14:47because it's so raspy and...?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49It is to do with the raspiness of the goat's tongue.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50It was used as a torture.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53You would tie someone to a tree, so their legs were sticking out.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- Not licking the feet? - Bare feet and cover the feet... - They did it with pigs too.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Cover the feet with honey and the goat would lick it.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01At first it would be a pleasant tickling sensation,
0:15:01 > 0:15:03and then it would rip off layers of skin.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04- It was horrible.- Ugh.- I know.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07It would have livened up that scene in Goldfinger, wouldn't it?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10He's tied down and the laser beam comes between his legs.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13If he'd said, you know, "Oh, my God, no! Not the goat."
0:15:15 > 0:15:19"Ah, Mr Bond, I put some honey onto the underside on your foot.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22"You might call it your sole! Ah ha ha.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24- "Bring in the goat." - BLEATS LIKE GOAT
0:15:24 > 0:15:27And he goes, "Oh, no, no, not the goat. It's a furry goat. No. Oh."
0:15:27 > 0:15:30And then he goes, "Actually, that's quite pleasant."
0:15:30 > 0:15:33And he says, "Soon the pleasure will turn to pain, Mr Bond."
0:15:33 > 0:15:36And then he said, "You expect me to talk?"
0:15:36 > 0:15:40- "No. I expect you to die." - Well, yes.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42But Franciscus Brunus, a late Medieval jurist
0:15:42 > 0:15:45and expert on torture, said in 1502,
0:15:45 > 0:15:49"I hear this is a very hard torture and totally safe."
0:15:49 > 0:15:52Tickling was used in the stocks as well.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54You tickled people's feet in the stocks.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57And in the Han Dynasty in China they used tickling a lot.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59Now let's see how your J for "jeography" is.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Lots of points for the right answer
0:16:01 > 0:16:05and a measly minus ten for a wrong one, so try and be right.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08What's the name of the largest mountain in Japan?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11- Fuji.- Is the right answer!
0:16:11 > 0:16:13Yes. It's an active volcano,
0:16:13 > 0:16:17although it hasn't actually erupted for 200 years.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21- So it's probably about due.- Yeah, it probably is.- Vesuvius is overdue.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24It's right next to Naples and it's overdue
0:16:24 > 0:16:28and there's no way of predicting when it will erupt.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- No, I know.- They told us this when we went to see it on a school trip!
0:16:32 > 0:16:34- That'll cheer you up, won't it(?) - They said...
0:16:34 > 0:16:36This is in the days before 'Ealth and Safety.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38They took you up into the crater to...
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Any minute now, we're expecting it.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43It's overdue, we're standing in the crater of it -
0:16:43 > 0:16:46a party of schoolchildren - and to get there
0:16:46 > 0:16:48you had to walk across a lava flow
0:16:48 > 0:16:52- that had a sulphur crust that was about that thick.- Whoa.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54And so you walked across it and there were places where
0:16:54 > 0:16:57it had fallen through and had just a small fence round it
0:16:57 > 0:16:59and underneath was - blurp, blurp - a volcanic mire.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01Yeah, I know, it's amazing, isn't it?
0:17:01 > 0:17:04And they said to us, "Walk in pairs and don't jump up and down."
0:17:06 > 0:17:08That was the safety brief.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10We gathered together and jumped up and down together.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Of course you did. Because they told you not to.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Because as 12-year-old boys, what are we doing to do?
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Anyway, so can you name a Caribbean island group beginning with B?
0:17:19 > 0:17:20Bahamas.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21KLAXON BLARES
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Oh, Alan got there first. And I'm afraid
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- they're not Caribbean, no, they're Atlantic.- What?
0:17:27 > 0:17:30They're not in the Caribbean, the Bahamas, they're in the Atlantic.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- I've been on holiday to them. I've done a lot of holidays. - Yes, you have.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37There is an island group beginning with B in the Caribbean.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- AUDIENCE MEMBER: British Virgin. - Very good in the audience.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41That was a superb accent!
0:17:41 > 0:17:46Someone shouted out one of the rarest things you could possibly imagine, British Virgin!
0:17:46 > 0:17:49LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:52 > 0:17:55I wouldn't have accepted Barbados because it's a single island.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- It's only one island, Barbados. - Exactly. There you go.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00- The Bahamas are not in the Caribbean?- No, I know, big surprise.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02This bloke came up and said,
0:18:02 > 0:18:04"I'm going to dress up as a small island off the coast of Italy."
0:18:04 > 0:18:06I said, "Don't be Sicily."
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Yes.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Finally on "jeography", which country crosses the most time zones?
0:18:17 > 0:18:21- Is it... Oh.- Yeah, go on, go on, do it, do it.- Come along.- Oh, all right.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25- LAUGHING BABY Go on, hey.- Wales.
0:18:25 > 0:18:30You see, I told you! I knew not to do it.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33- And yet you won.- And you're like, "Go on, do it."
0:18:33 > 0:18:34At least you didn't get a klaxon.
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Well, it was my first...
0:18:35 > 0:18:39- Yeah?- Canada.- No, it's not Canada. - KLAXON BLARES
0:18:39 > 0:18:41- I'm afraid we did... - I think it's a trick,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43because I think it's going to be a country that's got outposts.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Possessions, you're correct.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47- Is it the United Kingdom? - It's not the United Kingdom.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49We don't count our possessions
0:18:49 > 0:18:51as all being part of the mother country,
0:18:51 > 0:18:52but one ex-colonial power
0:18:52 > 0:18:55does regard all its outlying possessions as being
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- part of the mother country. - LAUGHING KOOKABURRA
0:18:57 > 0:18:58- France.- France?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00France is right. Oh, yes, you got the buzzer,
0:19:00 > 0:19:02I'll have to give it to Julia.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04- Yes.- You were just too lazy to buzz. - Well, I was...
0:19:04 > 0:19:06You've got to use the buzzer, that's the rule.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07Exactly.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Yes, so France has 12 different time zones.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13The US has 11 time zones, because of Hawaii being all the way,
0:19:13 > 0:19:16and Russia nine.
0:19:16 > 0:19:20Now, what is the longest thing about this animal?
0:19:20 > 0:19:21Oh, its cock.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25- Oh, dear, oh, dear.- Its ears. - It's a bilby. That's a bilby.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- It's not a bilby. - Oh, I just lost a point.- Is it not?
0:19:27 > 0:19:29And the longest thing is not the ears,
0:19:29 > 0:19:32we rather hid the longest thing. It's a cute little creature.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- Is it its tail?- It is the tail.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37- Well done, and let's have a look. - Points!- I was going to say tail!
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- Aw.- Oh, look at that. - It's a cute little thing.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41- Look at him!- It hops like a little kangaroo.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43It's easy to catch him, you stick your foot down.
0:19:43 > 0:19:44There it goes.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47- It lives in the Gobi Desert. - JULIA: That is cute.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48And it has a very long tail,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50as you can see, that it uses for balance
0:19:50 > 0:19:53and, rather like a kangaroo, it can also sit up on it.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Very, very endearing.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58The ears are thought to be, you know, to let the cool...
0:19:58 > 0:20:00to cool itself - the blood cools through the ears.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02That looks rather dead, that one.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06Well, he's got a... He's treated himself to a Kinder Surprise.
0:20:07 > 0:20:13- He's swallowed the toy and choked on it.- Yeah. And it's called a jerboa.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- Jerboa.- It's called a jerboa with a J, hence our J.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20It's from an Arabian word in fact, meaning "flesh of the loins",
0:20:20 > 0:20:21rather oddly.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23But it's the same origin as the word gerbil.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25And what is it about humans and big ears?
0:20:25 > 0:20:27- They get bigger.- They get bigger.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- The ears get bigger. - Yeah, I mean old...
0:20:29 > 0:20:32So does the nose, is that right?
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Old men do seem to have longer ears,
0:20:34 > 0:20:35but the trouble is, no-one's done a study
0:20:35 > 0:20:38where they've measured their ears when they were younger
0:20:38 > 0:20:42because it could well be, it's logical...
0:20:42 > 0:20:43The head's getting smaller.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45..that having large ears is a predictor of a long life.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- I know what that man did for a living.- What's that?
0:20:48 > 0:20:50He was a bowler hat model.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52JULIA: That is a weird-looking guy.
0:20:52 > 0:20:56- He was a very fine bowler hat model. - I've got quite big ears,
0:20:56 > 0:21:00but I can also see what it's like to be someone whose ears are flat
0:21:00 > 0:21:02against the side of their head, because I can go like that.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04- Oh, my goodness! - And I can hold it,
0:21:04 > 0:21:07and it's like having an instant face-lift, like that.
0:21:07 > 0:21:13- How do you do that?- Well, I can't really talk like this as well.- I see.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17I'll tell you later. It means I can do a thing like when you do it on a roller coaster
0:21:17 > 0:21:19and you're just going over the top, you go...
0:21:19 > 0:21:22LAUGHTER
0:21:29 > 0:21:32I bet your so-called serious brother Jeremy can't do that.
0:21:32 > 0:21:34- He can't do that.- Yeah.
0:21:34 > 0:21:37He could host a phone-in about it, though, couldn't he?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40He could. Call in if you can wiggle your ears.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43Having a problem with your ears? Give us a ring now. Go on.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45He did once on his show genuinely have...
0:21:45 > 0:21:48I thought they were running out of things to do that day.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50He said, "Please..." And, honestly, it wasn't a joke, he said,
0:21:50 > 0:21:54"Please phone in if the sound of your own voice terrifies you."
0:21:56 > 0:21:57That was a phone-in topic.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59And did anyone call in?
0:21:59 > 0:22:03- People rang in screaming, "Argh!" - Any calls?- Get someone else to ring.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- Yeah, they had some people ring up. - Sobbing.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08"Help me, I'm so afraid!"
0:22:09 > 0:22:14Anyway, why would the King of France enjoy a naive salad for starters?
0:22:14 > 0:22:17He's got a tiny head, has he got massive ears under that wig?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22Of course, naive backwards is?
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- Evian.- Evian, as in the water. - Is it?
0:22:24 > 0:22:28- Isn't it? Evian.- Yeah... Yes, it is...- Yes, it is.- ..Mr Fry.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31So it's not that it's backwards that it's relevant,
0:22:31 > 0:22:35but it's that the letters of naive make Evian,
0:22:35 > 0:22:39and the letters of naive salad could be rearranged to make...
0:22:39 > 0:22:43- Dallas.- No, that would be, that would be two Ls, darling.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47- You're absolutely right, carry on. - Yes, yeah. Naive salad.
0:22:47 > 0:22:48See if we can rearrange them.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Anyone in the audience who can see what's going on?
0:22:50 > 0:22:55- Alive.- Alan... Davies!
0:22:55 > 0:22:56APPLAUSE
0:22:56 > 0:23:01- JULIA: Aah, yeah!- Naive salad.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- Of course, I think your middle name is Roger, isn't it?- It is.
0:23:04 > 0:23:06So Alan R Davies would be "anal adviser",
0:23:06 > 0:23:10um, which might be even better.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13The King of France might enjoy an anal adviser.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Must get a business card done immediately.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18Or you could be "a ladies' van".
0:23:18 > 0:23:20But the point is,
0:23:20 > 0:23:23the Kings of France enjoyed an Anagrammateur Royale -
0:23:23 > 0:23:27a royal anagrammer. It was like a court jester.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30He would make up flattering anagrams of your name.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32We probably know the famous ones,
0:23:32 > 0:23:35like Britney Spears is an anagram of?
0:23:35 > 0:23:38Presbyterians, rather strangely, but it is.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41Virginia Bottomley, who was a Tory MP under Margaret Thatcher,
0:23:41 > 0:23:44anagramatises into "I'm an evil Tory bigot".
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Which is just one of those things.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50And you get ones...one of the ones which always fascinate me
0:23:50 > 0:23:54is that laptop machines is an anagram of Apple Macintosh,
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- which is very extraordinary, isn't it?- Oh, wacky.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01And in Japan they had a similar sort of wordplay fest,
0:24:01 > 0:24:04which is where someone would start off with a haiku - five, seven,
0:24:04 > 0:24:08five syllables - and then someone would add a seven syllable line.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12It was called the maeku-zuke, responding to the front line.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15And you'd end up making some witty or satirical poem on the fly.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17And that's why I asked you to write a limerick.
0:24:17 > 0:24:21- So have you got a limerick for me? Any of you? I hope you have.- I do.
0:24:21 > 0:24:25- Oh, go on, then.- Girls first?- Yeah.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27SHE CLEARS THROAT
0:24:27 > 0:24:29I carouse in a style bacchanalian
0:24:29 > 0:24:33But I sleep in a way marsupalian
0:24:33 > 0:24:35I like to eat cheese
0:24:35 > 0:24:36But I never say please
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Yes, I'm French but I'm also Australian.
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Oh, that's very good!
0:24:43 > 0:24:47It's certainly better than the one I know about an Australian.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49There was a young man from Australia
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Who painted his arse like a dahlia.
0:24:51 > 0:24:52Twopence a smell Was all very well
0:24:52 > 0:24:54But threepence a lick was a failure.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02- Alan, what have you got for us? - I've got:
0:25:02 > 0:25:03There once was a show on TV
0:25:03 > 0:25:06That was always the smart place to be
0:25:06 > 0:25:08I'm fully aware You'd rather be there
0:25:08 > 0:25:10But instead you're stuck here with me.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Oh, very good.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14I like it.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16I've...
0:25:16 > 0:25:17I've got one about Rob Brydon.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Ooh.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22- Ooh!- Just because I've found something that rhymes with Brydon.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24There was a young man called Rob Brydon,
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Whose favourite film was the Poseidon...
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Adventure...
0:25:31 > 0:25:33..and he...
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Would watch it regularly
0:25:35 > 0:25:38That funny old man called Rob Brydon.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Very good. Excellent because that's not an easy rhyme. Yeah, yeah.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46It's easy to win on QI
0:25:46 > 0:25:48You don't need an IQ that's high
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Try not to be haughty Just be a bit naughty
0:25:50 > 0:25:52And make sure you please Stephen Fry.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54Yo, I like it! Very good.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56I say.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00Highly flattering. Many points.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01Appearing one night on QI
0:26:01 > 0:26:04I made up three facts on the fly
0:26:04 > 0:26:06The first was untrue The second was too
0:26:06 > 0:26:08And the third was about the size of my cock.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09And it was no exaggeration, Julia.
0:26:13 > 0:26:16Yes. Rob, what have you got for us?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Nothing, as will become evident.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21There once was a chap called Tim Vine...
0:26:21 > 0:26:22Oh, hello.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Whose punning was simply sublime
0:26:24 > 0:26:27Sat next to Alan... Oh, bugger!
0:26:30 > 0:26:32OK.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34There once was a man called Tim Vine
0:26:34 > 0:26:37Whose punning was more than just fine
0:26:37 > 0:26:41Sat on the panel With no end of flannel
0:26:41 > 0:26:44That lovely young chap called Tim Vine.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Tim Vine.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Oh, that's very good, very good. Very, very fine.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49APPLAUSE
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Here's one I read in one of the Piccolo book of jokes.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55There was a young man from Devizes Whose ears were different sizes
0:26:55 > 0:26:57One was quite small And no use at all
0:26:57 > 0:26:58The other was huge and won prizes.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Oh, that's very sweet. I like that. Excellent. Well,
0:27:03 > 0:27:05the strange thing about limericks is,
0:27:05 > 0:27:07no-one knows why they are called limericks.
0:27:07 > 0:27:08They seem to have no relationship
0:27:08 > 0:27:11to the town of Limerick, but they are and continue to be
0:27:11 > 0:27:13popular and sometimes excessively rude.
0:27:13 > 0:27:15There was a young chaplain from Kings
0:27:15 > 0:27:18Who talked about God and such things
0:27:18 > 0:27:21But his real desire Was a boy in the choir
0:27:21 > 0:27:22With a bottom like jelly on springs.
0:27:25 > 0:27:30- There we go.- Lovely. - Fair enough.- JULIA: Top that!- Yeah.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34That brings us to the somewhat predictable punchline
0:27:34 > 0:27:35that we call the scores.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37Let's see what's been happening.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38Well, divine as he is,
0:27:38 > 0:27:42I'm afraid in last place with -27 is Tim Vine.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44APPLAUSE
0:27:47 > 0:27:50In a...
0:27:50 > 0:27:54The beau of the valleys is in third place with -6, Rob Brydon.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57APPLAUSE
0:27:57 > 0:27:58Not good.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01And far from a failure,
0:28:01 > 0:28:04that wonderful Franco-Australian Julia, with -3.
0:28:04 > 0:28:08APPLAUSE Oh, phew. Thank you.
0:28:08 > 0:28:10APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:28:10 > 0:28:13It makes men gasp and stretch their eyes,
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Alan Davies is clear winner with +12!
0:28:16 > 0:28:18APPLAUSE
0:28:24 > 0:28:27So that's all from Rob, Julia, Tim, Alan and me.
0:28:27 > 0:28:28Thank you, good night
0:28:28 > 0:28:31and be extremely pleasant to each other. Bye-bye.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33APPLAUSE