0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-d evening,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:38 > 0:00:42and welcome to QI.
0:00:42 > 0:00:47Now, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single question,
0:00:47 > 0:00:50where the hell did I leave my passport?
0:00:50 > 0:00:52I lost mine in a plane once
0:00:52 > 0:00:55- and it had gone down under the cushion of my seat.- Oh! Yeah.
0:00:55 > 0:00:58- The actual plane seat. - Yeah. I once had to have a...
0:00:58 > 0:01:01I was on the plane for ages, I refused to get off the plane.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03You have to have your seat disassembled.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05And eventually I found it.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09- That was the end of the story.- Oh!
0:01:09 > 0:01:11That's a beautiful story.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14That is... That is a lovely, lovely story.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Is it specifically you, where did you leave YOUR passport?
0:01:17 > 0:01:20No, it's this technique. The University of Wisconsin.
0:01:20 > 0:01:24When you lose something, it actually helps to say the name of the thing
0:01:24 > 0:01:26that you have lost, or you are looking for.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29- Dignity. - Yes, for example! Very good.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36- Brilliant. You see? Exactly. - For me that would make it worse.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38That would just draw attention to it.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- Your wallet has a name?! - Well, no, just...
0:01:41 > 0:01:45"Peregrine! Peregrine!
0:01:45 > 0:01:47"Bah!
0:01:47 > 0:01:49"Peregrine?"
0:01:50 > 0:01:52That's how...
0:01:55 > 0:01:58- It might work.- It has now.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Yes, from now on, it will be called Peregrine.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02But anyway, that's not the point.
0:02:02 > 0:02:04The point is, for example, you open a cutlery drawer
0:02:04 > 0:02:06and where the hell's the garlic peeler?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09But if you just say garlic peeler, garlic peeler...
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Yes, the garlic peeler, again, of course.
0:02:11 > 0:02:17- "Andrew! Andrew!"- You're missing my point about names here.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22I just mean the word we give the thing.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25Its normal description as found in a dictionary,
0:02:25 > 0:02:28not from a list of given names.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32It isn't Julian the cheese grater.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- Have you ever had a macaroni pie? - I don't believe such a thing exists.
0:02:37 > 0:02:38- Have you?- Yes, I have.- Yes?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41I had one in Glasgow last week, it's the most astonishing thing.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44It's a pie, but it's filled with macaroni cheese.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47You look at it and you think, "I am going to have a heart attack."
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Immediately, before you've eaten it.
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Sandi came up to my home town,
0:02:50 > 0:02:53and I thought I could show her many of the delights of my home town,
0:02:53 > 0:02:57or I could take her to a bus stop and give her a macaroni pie.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00And so we stood, because if you eat it outside,
0:03:00 > 0:03:02it's like al fresco, it's European.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- And we stood just in a bus stop... - Yes. In the pouring rain.
0:03:05 > 0:03:10Two lesbians eating a macaroni pie in the middle of Glasgow,
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- it created quite a stir.- Yes.
0:03:13 > 0:03:17How many times have you dreamt of two lesbians eating a macaroni pie?
0:03:17 > 0:03:21Let's be honest. Girl on girl macaroni pie action.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Stephen, I'm out of my comfort zone, I'm out of my comfort zone.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27- Well, in America... - That's niche. That's niche.
0:03:27 > 0:03:31- In America they... - SUSAN: "That's niche!"
0:03:32 > 0:03:34Adults are to blame, they always read into things,
0:03:34 > 0:03:36something filthy with the children's stuff.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- I know, they do, they do.- You know. What's that one, Bert and Ernie?
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- They always thought something was going on there.- Yeah.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45- With those two sleeping together. - Yes.
0:03:45 > 0:03:50I mean, obviously, there is something going on there, but that's fine.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54- That's a bad example. - Yeah, that's right. I know.
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Noddy, there's another one.
0:03:56 > 0:03:59- You know, something's going on there with those shoes.- Yes.
0:03:59 > 0:04:00They're marvellous.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03Though sometimes there genuinely is, do you know what I mean?
0:04:03 > 0:04:05- Like... - Yes. Anal Witness 4, for example,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- there's only one way of looking at it.- Well, that...
0:04:08 > 0:04:12But like, I sort of read, I think having kids you do read into...
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Like Fireman Sam, you know Fireman Sam?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17- Here we go, what's wrong with him? - Listen to this.
0:04:17 > 0:04:18This is a social issue, right.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20You know Norman, the kid who sets all the fires?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23- Oh yeah, he's annoying.- "Norman!" - He's annoying. He's naughty.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27- "Norman, have you been setting fires?!"- You know him, right.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30He's this little ginger... I've not got anything against ginger people,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32I'm just stating a fact, he's a little ginger kid.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35But he's from a single parent family... again,
0:04:35 > 0:04:38I'm just letting you know the facts, right, never, we never know his dad.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39One episode I was watching,
0:04:39 > 0:04:42they did a group photo of the whole of the village.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43Fireman Sam took his helmet off,
0:04:43 > 0:04:46he's the only other ginger in the village.
0:04:46 > 0:04:50- Oh!- That's all I'm saying.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Those fires - cry for help.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- That's what they are.- Wow! - That's what they are.- Whoa.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59"I just want to know who my dad is!" That's what he's doing.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01But I've got an interesting experiment,
0:05:01 > 0:05:04and I do love, as you know, to do an interesting experiment.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07- He does love an experiment. - Now these will represent red ants.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12And this is just... I just find this magical.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14It's something you can do at home, ladies and gentlemen,
0:05:14 > 0:05:15this is what's fun about it.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19- And...- Will we form an island and swim across the jar of water?
0:05:19 > 0:05:23No. This is red coloured sand and this is floating on top.
0:05:23 > 0:05:27You'll notice wherever I drop it, it tends to start clinging together.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29So you've got... Here's your little raft of red ants,
0:05:29 > 0:05:31there they are, in the water.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34And I can put my finger in it like that
0:05:34 > 0:05:36and my finger will come out completely dry.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- Absolutely dry. - That's bizarre.- Holy cow!
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Yeah, there you are, there you are.
0:05:41 > 0:05:45And I've got no sand on my finger at all. And it just... But...
0:05:45 > 0:05:47Are you a devil?
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Watch this. This will excite you.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- I'm going to pour all this in here. - Blue ants are attacking red ants!
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Yeah, all these blue ants here, it's just horrible.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57And look at that, it's all clustered down below.
0:05:57 > 0:05:58But this is the magic part.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02I get my spoon and I get all this sand that's underwater now,
0:06:02 > 0:06:06and I just pick up a little bit of it like so.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08- And it's completely dry.- Hey! - It's utterly dry.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10- Witchcraft!- Sorcery!
0:06:10 > 0:06:14- Burn him!- It's completely dry. It is, look.- Witch!- There it is.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Sand, absolutely dry, even though
0:06:15 > 0:06:17there are odd drops of water next to it.
0:06:17 > 0:06:21- Isn't that magical?- That really is. - GREG:- That's just sand and water?
0:06:21 > 0:06:24Well, I can tell you. It's the special nature of the sand.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26It's been, as it were, coated.
0:06:26 > 0:06:32And without wishing to give away the name of a brand of spray
0:06:32 > 0:06:36that you are encouraged when you buy suede shoes
0:06:36 > 0:06:38to use to protect your suede shoes,
0:06:38 > 0:06:42that might be called something that rhymed with Gotch Scard...
0:06:45 > 0:06:48If you wanted to try this experiment at home,
0:06:48 > 0:06:51you would get a can of that Gotch Scard
0:06:51 > 0:06:53and spray the sand with it,
0:06:53 > 0:06:56and you will be able to amaze your friends,
0:06:56 > 0:06:59if, but only if, you're as sad as I am.
0:07:00 > 0:07:01And there you are. Hooray!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04APPLAUSE
0:07:07 > 0:07:11Where did Beethoven put his Jingling Johnny?
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- BELL RINGS - Yes, Sarah?- Mrs Beethoven?
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Somebody had to say it.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- Jingling Johnny?- Yes. What do you think?
0:07:30 > 0:07:32I can't imagine a Jingling Johnny,
0:07:32 > 0:07:34and it's something that the good folk at Durex
0:07:34 > 0:07:36have obviously missed out on.
0:07:36 > 0:07:41A seasonal range, that actually, you know, with a bell in the, um...
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Ohhh!
0:07:44 > 0:07:46You'd be going like the clappers.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49- With holly round it.- Yeah. Be nice.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- Flavours, flavours.- With holly round it? I'd stop you...- Ooh, turkey.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- Ohh...- Stuffing!
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Well, how lovely to start our...
0:08:04 > 0:08:06PHILL: Plum duff.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09Imagine, and as a special treat as you walk into the bedroom,
0:08:09 > 0:08:11a little brandy on it. Wooofff!
0:08:12 > 0:08:14PAINED: "Happy Christmas! Oh!"
0:08:14 > 0:08:18I'll take that copy of Fifty Shades Of Grey away from you.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23What did Watson do twice as often as Holmes?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Oh, I don't want to say now.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29- I guess he had more time on his hands.- Stick with it, stick with it.
0:08:29 > 0:08:34- Oh, no, I do know.- Yes? - It's, er... It's...ejaculate.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36Ejaculate is the right answer.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39APPLAUSE
0:08:39 > 0:08:41This is the one thing I know about Sherlock Holmes,
0:08:41 > 0:08:43because it's in the book.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45- Yes.- It's an old term meaning to...
0:08:45 > 0:08:48- To exclaim.- Exclaim.- Expostulate.
0:08:48 > 0:08:53He's constantly, "'But Holmes!' I ejaculated." You get a lot.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56I mean, the books are brilliant anyway,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59but every twenty pages that happens and you go, "Hur hur hur..."
0:09:02 > 0:09:05Yes, there are 23 ejaculations in the canon, as it's known.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07BILL: Oh, Christ!
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- The canon is the... - And one up the spout!
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- Oh...!- As in the word canonical.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- I give to you the canon.- Yeah.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- Stand back.- Yes.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26There's approximately 23 ejaculations,
0:09:26 > 0:09:2948 terabytes of information coming your way.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33- I'm so wishing...- Stand by! JIMMY:- You're a very lucky lady.
0:09:35 > 0:09:39- Watson ejaculates 11 times. - Christ on a bike!
0:09:39 > 0:09:44Holmes, on one occasion, refers to Watson's ejaculations of wonder
0:09:44 > 0:09:46being invaluable to his art.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50Watson does ejaculate from his very heart,
0:09:50 > 0:09:51in the direction of his fiancee.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Holmes gives six.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57But there is one which it's quite hard to tell who it is. So...
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- JIMMY:- That can happen, Stephen. - Who's ejaculating here?
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Let's just, let's just imagine.
0:10:02 > 0:10:07"So he sat as I dropped off to sleep, and so he sat
0:10:07 > 0:10:11"when a sudden ejaculation caused me to wake up, and I found..."
0:10:11 > 0:10:13BILL: Oh no, he's having one now.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17Have you ever been woken up by a sudden ejaculation?
0:10:17 > 0:10:19You've talked enough about your dreams.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22There's a fellow called Phelps in the wonderful story
0:10:22 > 0:10:25The Naval Treaty, he ejaculates three times, actually.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28And the only other ejaculator is Mrs St Clair's husband,
0:10:28 > 0:10:31who ejaculates from a second floor window.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38This is the most fun I have ever had on this show.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44Name something interesting you can do with a Slinky.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47- Well, it's a... - Well, you can't untangle it.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50That's certainly... Oh God, I got through so many as a child.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52They're the most, it is the most...
0:10:52 > 0:10:55You go to the top of the stairs, and look at this, it's... Oh no!
0:10:55 > 0:10:56And then that would be it.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59We've given you some stairs, in fact, you can take your stairs
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- and your Slinky out and demonstrate. - Oh, wow, are there Slinkys?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05There may be young people here who've never had the excitement.
0:11:05 > 0:11:09- You can attach...- This is... I'm going back, look at that!- Yay!
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Isn't that fun?
0:11:10 > 0:11:12They're the best thing.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18Oh dear, you may have pointed it in the wrong direction.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- I'm literally the happiest man in the world.- Brilliant.- Hey!
0:11:21 > 0:11:25He invented this out of... He was a suspension designer, wasn't he?
0:11:25 > 0:11:29He was a naval officer, his name was Richard James. And it was in 194...
0:11:37 > 0:11:41- It's called the Alan Effect. - Just what...- No!
0:11:41 > 0:11:45You don't do it like that. You lift the top.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49JEREMY: Somebody go and get him a Raleigh Chopper.
0:11:49 > 0:11:53How can you not work a Slinky?!
0:11:53 > 0:11:56How can you not do that? Yeah!
0:11:56 > 0:11:57CHEERING
0:12:01 > 0:12:04Can you imagine giving this to a child now and going,
0:12:04 > 0:12:08"That's it, that's your gift." Happy Christmas."
0:12:08 > 0:12:09But didn't he invent it by accident?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11He was making coiled springs and he invented...
0:12:11 > 0:12:15He was an American naval officer. He literally knocked over a spring,
0:12:15 > 0:12:18and it went for a walk, and he thought, "Oh, that's interesting."
0:12:18 > 0:12:21So he developed and experimented and came up with the Slinky.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- And more than... - Look, to be fair, it was his wife
0:12:23 > 0:12:25- who thought it would make a good toy. - Yes, it's true.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29Let us remember that sometimes women get overlooked in these things.
0:12:29 > 0:12:33More than 300 million were sold, which is an incredible number.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36All to me, because I kept breaking them.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- I know, because they tangle up. - Now if you'll put them away...
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Do you mind if I keep the stairs?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43There's a few shelves in the kitchen that I still can't reach.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45You're very welcome.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51But what we do have is a very extraordinary effect that happens
0:12:51 > 0:12:55if you drop a Slinky, which is that when you let go of it,
0:12:55 > 0:12:57the bottom does not move.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Watch the film and you'll see what I mean.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04It's actually really astonishing. It's a very peculiar effect.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Watch the bottom of the Slinky, as it actually happens,
0:13:07 > 0:13:08in very high speed camera.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12The bottom is completely still.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13- Isn't that amazing?- Oh wow.- Wow!
0:13:13 > 0:13:16That is a really bizarre effect.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18I can't explain quite why that happens.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20- Oh, I bet James May could. - He probably could.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Tell me your Ken Dodd story.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32A broadcaster of some description went to interview a politician,
0:13:32 > 0:13:35a British politician, and he saw this wonderful picture
0:13:35 > 0:13:40as he perceived of Ken Dodd, on the wall.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43And the politician came in and the guy said, "Oh, that's wonderful,
0:13:43 > 0:13:46"Ken Dodd, I mean, he's just one of the greatest,
0:13:46 > 0:13:49"greatest comedians this country has ever produced."
0:13:49 > 0:13:51And the man said, "Do you mind? That's my wife."
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- I want to know who the politician is...- No, I wouldn't.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02- ..whose wife looks like Ken Dodd! - It's true, true.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Meet my wife, or Doddy as I call her.
0:14:04 > 0:14:08"What a fine day, what a fine day to marry a politician.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- "I'm telling you." I love it. - And in came the children...
0:14:11 > 0:14:13"We are the Diddy Men."
0:14:16 > 0:14:19There's a wonderful actor called Richard Brain, a very fine actor,
0:14:19 > 0:14:22and he was in a commercial where he had to play a mummy.
0:14:22 > 0:14:24And he was wrapped up and he...
0:14:24 > 0:14:28At one point, just absolutely had to go for a pee.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32- Inevitably.- And... - SUE: He made papier mache.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35The undoing and the doing up of the bandaging was taking so long
0:14:35 > 0:14:39that somebody rummaged around and pulled his old fellow out,
0:14:39 > 0:14:44while he peed, and to this day he doesn't know who it was because...
0:14:46 > 0:14:47..because when it was called to wrap
0:14:47 > 0:14:50it was just him and the costume person unwinding him
0:14:50 > 0:14:52an everybody else biffed off.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55Did he line them all up and say, "Would you take my penis in hand?"
0:14:55 > 0:14:57He didn't know, he didn't see them.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00"No. Maybe. Stand over there. No."
0:15:00 > 0:15:04- It's just...- It's like a more modern version of the Cinderella story.
0:15:04 > 0:15:09Prince going round, "I'll know that feel anywhere."
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Mummified man.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Yeah, all the ugly sisters putting on hand cream.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18You've got paper and you've got pencil, we might like you,
0:15:18 > 0:15:20during the course of the evening,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23design a hat and the winner gets a prize.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27- So there you are.- OK. - Any kind of hat.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30But don't let it ruin your concentration for the next question,
0:15:30 > 0:15:32if I can put it that way...
0:15:32 > 0:15:35- I invented multi-tasking. - There you are. Exactly.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- So the... - JOHNNY YELLS: I'm drawing!
0:15:38 > 0:15:39Sorry.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Can you please keep it down, Stephen!
0:15:48 > 0:15:51Do you know, I sometimes have weird dreams
0:15:51 > 0:15:53in which we're married, Johnny.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58- I want you to tell me, because it's quite interesting...- Go on.
0:15:58 > 0:15:59And that's the name of the game.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Which is the only number in the English language
0:16:01 > 0:16:04which when written out is in alphabetical order?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09- Eight.- No.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10- OK, well, seven.- 43.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14- Eight is good, but I comes after G. - OK, I'm going to have to guess,
0:16:14 > 0:16:17because there's not enough time and I'm dyslexic.
0:16:17 > 0:16:21- One, two. Two?- No.- Three?
0:16:21 > 0:16:23O comes before T.
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- So they have to be in alphabetical order.- Oh, I see, ah.- Yes, that's...
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- 40.- Yes! Well done.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Isn't she good?
0:16:31 > 0:16:35- Very good. Very, very good.- Were you going through all the numbers?
0:16:35 > 0:16:38I was going through all the numbers at the same time that you were
0:16:38 > 0:16:41- and we got there... - Yeah, 40 is the one.
0:16:41 > 0:16:43Yeah, Alan was on three when you said that.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47And you three were all talking and we're sitting there going...
0:16:50 > 0:16:55It's time for a jolly jape, this time involving lasers and balloons.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57What can be coming next?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Here we are. And I've got my laser.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03This is one of these things they use, you know...
0:17:03 > 0:17:05I'm going to point it behind me.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10And we're using the smoke because it shows up the laser line.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- Can you see it there?- Oh yes.- Yeah.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14I'm deliberately... they keep shouting in my ear,
0:17:14 > 0:17:16"Don't point it at people's eyes."
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- I'm not!- "Don't point it at their fucking eyes!
0:17:21 > 0:17:23"It's fucking dangerous!"
0:17:23 > 0:17:27The thing is, he knows he's the one who's going to be fired.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30But there you are, you can see reasonably well
0:17:30 > 0:17:32that there is a laser light there.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34The lighting men are up there going, "AAAARGH!"
0:17:36 > 0:17:40This is ordinary laser light, the kind you'd use to, you know,
0:17:40 > 0:17:42at conferences to point on maps and all the rest of it.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45And I'm just going to press the laser here and... Oh!
0:17:45 > 0:17:47And... Oh!
0:17:47 > 0:17:49- And... Oh!- Whoa.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53- And...- Green, wow, cool! Ooooh.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57- Nothing. It's not popping though. - Weird.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- So, the black ones pop and the white one doesn't. Alan...- Racist.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02You should have a...
0:18:05 > 0:18:08That doesn't even begin to make sense. It's just...
0:18:08 > 0:18:13I want you... Take your black marker, please,
0:18:13 > 0:18:17and make a black target roughly in the centre of the balloon.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20And I'll let you press the button as a reward if you do it sensibly.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22So, do a big...
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- The temptation to draw a cock and balls is overwhelming.- I know.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28A big black spot, so it'll work, just there,
0:18:28 > 0:18:31and fill it in as black as you can.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33- Talk amongst yourselves. - That's right.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35If you'd worked for Blue Peter,
0:18:35 > 0:18:37you'd know how to do that while presenting to camera.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40- Oh yeah, sorry. - Yeah. There, you see, exactly.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44I haven't done a cock and balls and I know you're disappointed.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48- They're not.- This is the back of Stephen Fry's head.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Yeah, it is actually not unlike. OK.
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- Will that do it, do you think? - I reckon that's black enough.
0:18:53 > 0:18:57We know that black absorbs light and heat and white we know reflects it.
0:18:57 > 0:19:02And we saw that the laser had enough energy to burst the black balloon.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04So all you have to do, just leave it there,
0:19:04 > 0:19:07it should be pointing in the right direction.
0:19:07 > 0:19:08Hooray!
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- There we are, well done. - Very enjoyable.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18I get sent very odd things by members of the public, thank you.
0:19:18 > 0:19:23And I got sent a thing to stand up weeing, and I thought it was...
0:19:23 > 0:19:25- Oh a funnel.- It's called a Shewee.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27- It's the most marvellous thing. - It's Japanese, isn't it?
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Oh, darling, I piss in all sorts of places now.
0:19:30 > 0:19:32I get out of the car, I can't be bothered to
0:19:32 > 0:19:35pop into the service station, on the back wheel,
0:19:35 > 0:19:36it's the most marvellous thing.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39It is mostly for driving, I thought, the Shewee.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Driving under the influence of the need for a wee
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- is the most dangerous thing a human can do.- I would imagine it would be.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48I have reached 170 miles an hour.
0:19:48 > 0:19:52And disabled parking spaces outside motorway service stations,
0:19:52 > 0:19:54they're mine, because I am disabled by the need...
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- Exactly.- You are just... You can become consumed with...
0:19:57 > 0:20:01I had a wee, I had a wee in just a water bottle once, driving
0:20:01 > 0:20:04about 100 mile an hour, just wee in this water bottle, and...
0:20:04 > 0:20:07- But then it won't stop. - Well, I failed my driving test.
0:20:09 > 0:20:11Hey! Hey! That old one.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15It reminds me of that phrase, Stephen,
0:20:15 > 0:20:17"Couldn't see the wood for the trees."
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- Have you ever come across that phrase before?- I have, I have.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- I never used to understand it. - What it basically means is,
0:20:23 > 0:20:25you're looking at... Wait.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31- You're looking for wood.- Yes, yeah. - Not, not in the way you might.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- No, not in that sense. - You're...- Yeah.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38You're looking, you're looking for wood, and you're looking at trees.
0:20:38 > 0:20:43- Yes.- So you are in essence looking at wood.- They're wood, aren't they?
0:20:43 > 0:20:45But you're... I've got it, Alan.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47But you're, but you're seeing trees,
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- so you can't see the wood for the trees.- ..The trees.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52And I think, in a funny old way,
0:20:52 > 0:20:55it's a little bit like what you're talking about, isn't it?
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- Almost exactly not, yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00But it's nice, it's nice you brought that up. It's a good...
0:21:00 > 0:21:04- So that is Mormon porn? - That's Mormon porn. Yeah.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07They also have special underwear, do you know about that?
0:21:07 > 0:21:11Mormons wear, and devout ones, I suppose, for their whole lives,
0:21:11 > 0:21:13wear a special kind of undergarment which covers them
0:21:13 > 0:21:15from the knees right up to the top.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18- We can see an example of the garment.- I've got that on now.
0:21:18 > 0:21:19Have you? Are you wearing a garment?
0:21:19 > 0:21:22It goes all the way up to there and down to me knees.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- Yes, up to?- Boobs.- Yes, up, but not over.- Not all the way, no.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Yes, no, yours are nice, flying free and beautiful and lovely and...
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Not, not flying, but no, to be fair,
0:21:34 > 0:21:38it's a fulsome pair of funbags, and we...
0:21:41 > 0:21:44Can I have that as a quote on my next poster?
0:21:46 > 0:21:49It's party treat time now. Isn't this exciting?
0:21:49 > 0:21:51I've got something really interesting for you to try.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54It's powdered Miracle Berry.
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Now, you should have a little cup like this.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01So if you could instantly put that pill, as it were, in your mouth.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04- I promise you it's not going to hurt you.- We don't even question it.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06- We're just doing it! - Don't swallow it.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08- Yes, Stephen, we... - Don't swallow it, please do it.
0:22:08 > 0:22:13"Show me your titties." We've been down this road before, mister.
0:22:13 > 0:22:14It's in.
0:22:14 > 0:22:17"Only bite it when you see the whites of their eyes."
0:22:17 > 0:22:20Don't bite it, don't bite it, just roll it around your mouth,
0:22:20 > 0:22:22roll it around your tongue, it's quite sweet.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24It takes time to work, but it's rather extraordinary.
0:22:24 > 0:22:28- It's like a dead Refresher. - Yeah, it's exactly what it's like.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30But just let it, try and do a bit of action on it,
0:22:30 > 0:22:32just so that you can get it to dissolve.
0:22:32 > 0:22:34Spread it all over your tongue.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37It is quite miraculous, it's why it's called the Miracle Fruit.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39I've slightly crunched mine.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41- Don't worry, don't swallow it, just keep it...- Why not?
0:22:41 > 0:22:44No, keep it in your mouth, there's a good reason,
0:22:44 > 0:22:46I want for it to cover all of your tongue. It does something
0:22:46 > 0:22:49extraordinary to it, and that's what you'll discover.
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- So keep sucking, keep sucking. - I must remember this speech.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56You walk away!
0:23:00 > 0:23:01If you've made them swallow...
0:23:01 > 0:23:06It does something extraordinary to your tongue. Don't swallow it!
0:23:06 > 0:23:10- So, do you feel you've more or less coated yourself in it?- Yeah.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13What it does is, it actually gets rid of
0:23:13 > 0:23:16your tongue's ability to detect sour and bitter.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18So I want you just to take a bite on this lemon.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21You'll find, when you bite on the lemon, that it's not exactly sweet,
0:23:21 > 0:23:24but that it really has taken away 90% of its sourness.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27- I'm going in.- Interesting, isn't it? Your whole pill?
0:23:27 > 0:23:31- I've done, I've done...- Oh, you've not...- I've done a lot of coating.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35- Oh, that's delicious.- Isn't it? It's extraordinary.- Oh, that's good.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- None of you has pulled an "argh" face.- That's lovely.
0:23:37 > 0:23:39That is like a really sweet orange.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- Exactly. It's bizarre. - I'm going to regret it later.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- It is a most extraordinary experience.- Hmm, I love that.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46And that will last for about half an hour,
0:23:46 > 0:23:50- 20 minutes.- I'm going to have chronic gastritis in 20 minutes.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51You'd be able to have lime.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53It was very popular, this Miracle Fruit.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56They had parties where they'd have a rainbow of different flavours
0:23:56 > 0:23:59that would occur, because it takes away your ability
0:23:59 > 0:24:02to taste the bitter or the sour, or indeed the salt,
0:24:02 > 0:24:05so everything becomes sweet, but it retains a little of its own flavour.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- But it does work, doesn't it? - Amazing.- It is.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Although it is vitamin C, so internally I'm rebelling.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16I'm going to save one in my pocket, have one later.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- I'm going to give one to a friend. - Sure you are.- Yeah.
0:24:24 > 0:24:28- That's just so bad! - It makes it taste so much nicer.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- Just pop that in your mouth.- We've witnessed something big tonight.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34- Yeah.- Yeah, it's all over. - It'll taste lovely for half an hour.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39- LIZA:- "My favourite word is titties."
0:24:41 > 0:24:44- You are so... - It's not sour any more, is it? No.
0:24:44 > 0:24:45It's not sour any more.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47That is so bad, you people.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54- Gerard de Nerval. - No. Wonderful, good.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57- Gerard de Nerval was a fascinating man.- He was.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- I very much enjoyed the way you said that.- Je suis le veuf, l'encontre.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04- Le Tenebreux.- And he also famously had a pet lobster, Gerard de Nerval.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07- He did indeed.- That he used to take for walks on a lead.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10"Vite, vite, monsieur!
0:25:10 > 0:25:11"Monsieur Clicky!"
0:25:11 > 0:25:13- Stay with it, stay with it, stay with it.- Alors!
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Stay with it, because it's good. Because...
0:25:16 > 0:25:20- Non!- J'ai fatigue.- Non!
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Allez vite.
0:25:24 > 0:25:30- L'eau, s'il vous plait, l'eau! - Non. Non, pas de l'eau. Non.
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Le artichoke de Jerusalem.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38And then boomf, he's gone.
0:25:38 > 0:25:41I never thought I'd see the day
0:25:41 > 0:25:45when Bill Bailey force-fed Gerard de Nerval's lobster
0:25:45 > 0:25:48with Jerusalem artichoke, and yet the day came.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Anyway, let's just return to this other poet,
0:25:50 > 0:25:53who was the lover of the young Verlaine.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55- Oh, sorry...- Verlaine!
0:25:55 > 0:25:57BUZZER HONKS
0:25:59 > 0:26:02- Very quick. - Did I ever give that away!
0:26:02 > 0:26:06We're going to end with really exciting Wild West action.
0:26:06 > 0:26:13Who fancies a shoot-out with a real life vortex cannon?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15I've given you one each next, you've got a box.
0:26:15 > 0:26:19See that box there? It's simply a box, all right?
0:26:19 > 0:26:23Now the hole is where the vortex emerges,
0:26:23 > 0:26:26so if you lean it so that the hole is pointing at the target,
0:26:26 > 0:26:28all right, and basically,
0:26:28 > 0:26:33what you've got to do is smack the side of the box, all right?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35After three, two, one, smack!
0:26:37 > 0:26:39- Very good. There you are! Now... - APPLAUSE
0:26:50 > 0:26:52But what we can... Yes.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55What we can do, before you destroy the box...
0:27:00 > 0:27:02- Before you destroy the box... - Oh, sorry.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05You can do something even more exciting - fill it with smoke.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08And it will demonstrate what in fact was happening with the air.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11You should all have smoke machines. That's it.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16Fill it with smoke, fill it with smoke.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18Fill it with smoke, and now...
0:27:18 > 0:27:20Look. Look at that.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25Just a gentle tap.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28That is a vortex, the beautiful smoke rings.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31A lovely one there.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38I've got an enormous cannon here,
0:27:38 > 0:27:40and I'm going to fill mine with...
0:27:43 > 0:27:47I'll see if I can get mine across the, across the...
0:27:47 > 0:27:51- You can make them chase each other, look.- ..across the room here.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54Here we go. I've got it the wrong way round, obviously.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56That doesn't help.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:28:01 > 0:28:03We'll let the smoke drift a little.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Would anyone like a big dustbin?
0:28:10 > 0:28:14It's simply pressure of air creating this wonderful vortex.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18- JOHNNY:- No, it's not, it's magic. - Nice one, Alan.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22With this kind of magic, we could make the tiny people big again.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Yes!
0:28:24 > 0:28:26APPLAUSE
0:28:34 > 0:28:35There you are.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd