0:00:03 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:26 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:33G-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-d evening,
0:00:33 > 0:00:37good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41All right. Alan, we're going to make your life a little easier,
0:00:41 > 0:00:44- we're going to lower the lights in here...- I can go home?- Yeah.
0:00:44 > 0:00:45LAUGHTER
0:00:45 > 0:00:48ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS
0:00:48 > 0:00:49Now, Alan...
0:00:49 > 0:00:51Oh, this is unfair! Alan gets a girl, I've got Jack!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53LAUGHTER
0:00:53 > 0:00:55- I'm going to ask Alan... - Jack's a girl.
0:00:55 > 0:00:56LAUGHTER
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Steady, steady.
0:00:58 > 0:01:02I'm going to ask Alan a very specific question now.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Can you feel your sphincter relaxing?
0:01:05 > 0:01:09LAUGHTER
0:01:09 > 0:01:12APPLAUSE
0:01:15 > 0:01:16It's a perfectly innocent question.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19I must say, I thought it was until you asked me.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21LAUGHTER
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Well, what you might have said is,
0:01:26 > 0:01:28"Which sphincter?"
0:01:28 > 0:01:30- Oh, of course. Oh! - CHUCKLING
0:01:30 > 0:01:33Because you may not know this, but you have many sphincters.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35- Oh, I know... I know a little...- Yes?
0:01:35 > 0:01:38- I know about sphincters. - Tell me about sphincters.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- I once had... This may not be an appropriate story... - LAUGHTER
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- I certainly hope not!- ..for QI, but I once had a bladder complaint.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46This is not STI, it was just a...
0:01:46 > 0:01:50- I was getting up in the middle of the night...- Why are you looking at me when you say that?!
0:01:50 > 0:01:53- You're the arbitrator. - Cos I thought you would understand!
0:01:53 > 0:01:55- The doctor sometimes says, "We'll pop a camera in..."- Ow!
0:01:55 > 0:01:58"..and explore..." It was in my bladder,
0:01:58 > 0:02:00- there was a bit of an issue... - An endoscope. Yes.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04So they decided to get a camera and just...pop it in my bladder.
0:02:04 > 0:02:07And, obviously, the easiest way to get in is to...is to...
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- Is through the...schlong. - Is through the schlong.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12And I imagined the camera would be like the width of a human hair.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14- It was like a... It was like a pen!- Ow!
0:02:14 > 0:02:16GROANING
0:02:16 > 0:02:19And they fed it in, and it was about ten years ago I had this...
0:02:19 > 0:02:24LAUGHTER
0:02:24 > 0:02:27LIGHT APPLAUSE
0:02:32 > 0:02:34And it was about ten years ago,
0:02:34 > 0:02:37and it was a lovely nurse that was doing the procedure,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39and as fed it, she went, "What do you do for a living?"
0:02:39 > 0:02:42She was trying to start conversation at this awkward moment.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I went, "I'm a comedian," and she went, "Tell us a joke."
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- No! - LAUGHTER
0:02:46 > 0:02:49- And it is a matter of professional pride that I did.- Oh, well done!
0:02:51 > 0:02:53There's a claim to the origin of the term "lynch,"
0:02:53 > 0:02:56which is a man called James Lynch Fitzstephen,
0:02:56 > 0:02:58who was the mayor of Galway in Ireland.
0:02:58 > 0:03:02And he hanged his own son from the balcony of his house
0:03:02 > 0:03:07after convicting him of the murder of a Spanish visitor in 1493.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09So that's pretty bold, isn't it?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11- Wow.- Christ on a bike!
0:03:11 > 0:03:14It's extreme. He learnt his lesson. He never did it again.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- LAUGHTER - No.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20- Did you say he hanged his own son for stealing a bike?- No.- No!
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- Did you...? What did you think I said?- Did you nod off?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25I misheard you. I'm so hungry, I don't know what I'm saying.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- No, for killing a... - I can't concentrate when I'm hungry.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- ..killing a Spaniard. - For killing a Spanish visitor, yeah.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32Has anyone got any food?
0:03:32 > 0:03:34- He killed...- Do you not listen to...?- No, he doesn't.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36- I'm starving hungry.- Are you?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39And now I can't concentrate because I'm having a blood sugar crash.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41I hope you never get called up for jury service
0:03:41 > 0:03:43and you're hungry in the afternoon.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45"What was it, killed a Spaniard or stole a bike?"
0:03:45 > 0:03:48LAUGHTER
0:03:48 > 0:03:50It's quite an important difference.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52"I don't know what he said. I'm starving. Can I have an apple?"
0:03:52 > 0:03:54- Where did that come from? - I don't know.- Stole a bike?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56He was... Your mind was wandering.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58I was just drifting off. I was thinking about pasta.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00LAUGHTER
0:04:00 > 0:04:01When his brain sugar drops,
0:04:01 > 0:04:04I'm afraid all kinds of weird things start to happen.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Well, has no-one got something to eat here?
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Are you bringing something down?
0:04:08 > 0:04:10- Here you are, in you go, come on. - Thank you very much.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12APPLAUSE
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- What have we got? What have we got? - Some homemade flapjacks.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- Oh flapjacks!- Flapjacks! - Yes! Thank you.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22- Can I have a kiss?- Yeah, go on.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24Oh, she has to have a kiss. Very good.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26APPLAUSE
0:04:30 > 0:04:32I've got something interesting to show you now.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34So, I want you to tell me what it is, quite simply.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37- What's the name for one of these? - Oh, God!
0:04:37 > 0:04:39- It's a Toby Jug, isn't it?- Yes. Yes.
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- No, this is known as a character jug.- Oh.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45If you want to know what a Toby Jug looks like, it's that.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46A Toby Jug is the whole person.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48- Oh, the whole person. - Isn't that pretty?!
0:04:48 > 0:04:50If it's a head, it's called a character jug.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53- But I've got something more interesting,- I- think,
0:04:53 > 0:04:55- which- I- hope you're going to like.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56It's got water in it.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00All you have to do is drink the water without spilling it.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03It's got holes in it, so if you lift it...
0:05:03 > 0:05:04WATER DRIPS
0:05:04 > 0:05:06LAUGHTER
0:05:08 > 0:05:11It's got HOLES in it, so that's not going to work.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13Do you see? No.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15It's gone down my sleeve!
0:05:15 > 0:05:17LAUGHTER
0:05:17 > 0:05:19- You just cover up two.- So, you've got to try and work it out.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22Right, I'm going to hollow out this biro and use it as a straw.
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- Like that...- I'm evolving. - Ah, you're getting there!
0:05:25 > 0:05:27So, what you're doing... But, no, don't pour it,
0:05:27 > 0:05:29because the water will come up.
0:05:29 > 0:05:30Look at the handle.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32The handle is connected to the bottom,
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- so if you could suck one of those tubes...- You suck...- Oh, got it.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Cover the holes...
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- The other hole. - ..and then suck through there,
0:05:39 > 0:05:41BUT there's a secret hole you've got to cover.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Hole there, get those two...
0:05:43 > 0:05:45- Look under!- My one's got loads of holes.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47No, look under the top of the handle.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49- Oh, that hole there. - Oh, there's a hole there as well.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53If you cover THAT and the other two holes, then you can...
0:05:53 > 0:05:56I mean, it's a bit of a palaver.
0:05:56 > 0:05:57There, yes...
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Could they not just have made a cup?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02- Oh, Sue!- Just an electrical hazard waiting to...- So like this?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Someone may as well just set fire to me.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07That's it, now you can suck it. It's pure... Don't tip it!
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- Don't tip it!- Oh, bollocks! - So, you just...
0:06:10 > 0:06:13LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:15 > 0:06:17Yes, jizz, as you knew, as a bird spotter,
0:06:17 > 0:06:19is that indefinable something,
0:06:19 > 0:06:23the shape, the gait, the outline that allows you to identify a bird.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25- Yes.- But we have the four birds we showed you...
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- I thought you were going to say, "We have some jizz."- No.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29LAUGHTER
0:06:29 > 0:06:32"We have some birds here you can identify by their jizz."
0:06:32 > 0:06:35- We literally do.- All right. - We literally do.- Oh, look.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Yeah. They all begin with J, that's your clue.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40I'll say a J-Hawk. Because that's all I can think of...
0:06:40 > 0:06:42No. That's not a hawk, is it? Look at it! I mean...
0:06:42 > 0:06:44That is a hawk! What are you saying?!
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- Yeah, what kind of...? - How is that a hawk?- That is a hawk!
0:06:46 > 0:06:50- Swooping down and picking up a rabbit?!- That's not...
0:06:50 > 0:06:52That is to scale, Bill. That's the size of it.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54Oh, right! Oh, it's a long way off!
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- It's massive!- Have you seen a hawk's beak and eye?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59A hawk's beak, yes. It's not the common hawk.
0:06:59 > 0:07:01A hawk's got... It's a raptor!
0:07:01 > 0:07:04That's not a raptor, that's a flippin' flycatcher or something.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06You are very good. It's a flycatcher.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- It's a flycatcher, there you go.- He's good.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Yeah, don't mess with the jizz-meister.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12APPLAUSE
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- Hey, I was second on that. - No, you weren't. Not even close.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- I came second.- A hawk?!
0:07:16 > 0:07:18You just mentioned a bird, that's not coming second.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21- OK, stick up the next one. I'm sure I'll get it.- That is just...
0:07:21 > 0:07:24In medieval times, did they go out with one of them on a gauntlet?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- Fly!- That is called...
0:07:26 > 0:07:28- That is called a black tail. - Bring me a fly!
0:07:28 > 0:07:30Ssh! Just to finish it, that WAS a flycatcher.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33It was a Juan Fernandez Tit-Tyrant.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35LAUGHTER
0:07:35 > 0:07:38- A crested... - Oh, God, here we go again!
0:07:38 > 0:07:40LAUGHTER
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- Wait a minute, wait a minute... - "Oh, we all know a tit tyrant!"
0:07:42 > 0:07:46A Juan Fernandez...Tit-Tyrant.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49A crested, spotted-chested member of the Tyrant flycatcher...
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- You just invented that! - A spotty-chested member?!
0:07:52 > 0:07:56There are points for knowing where the Juan Fernandez Islands are.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Juan Fernandez?
0:07:58 > 0:07:59SHE STUTTERS Breast Cock Lane?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01LAUGHTER
0:08:01 > 0:08:03That's the spirit!
0:08:03 > 0:08:05APPLAUSE
0:08:06 > 0:08:10- Now you're getting it. - You are getting into this very much.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12What I'm going to try and do...
0:08:12 > 0:08:15I'm going to try and create something
0:08:15 > 0:08:17that will make you think, "No!
0:08:17 > 0:08:20"No, Stephen, this is not possible!
0:08:20 > 0:08:23"Stephen, I will now bow down and worship you forever."
0:08:23 > 0:08:26I'm going to try and create...
0:08:26 > 0:08:27a square...
0:08:28 > 0:08:30- ..bubble.- No!
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- "Shut up, Stephen!" - LAUGHTER
0:08:33 > 0:08:35I'm on the verge of worshiping you forever.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Yeah, exactly. How would you not be?
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- A square bubble. - Shut the front door.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42All right, so I've got this... I've got this here.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45- Can you see that bubble there? - Oh!- Wow!- Wow!
0:08:45 > 0:08:48Well, it's not yet square, but if I...if I blow...
0:08:51 > 0:08:53No way!
0:08:53 > 0:08:55- Square bubble!- Oh!- Square bubble!
0:08:55 > 0:08:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:03 > 0:09:05How amazing is that?!
0:09:05 > 0:09:06Very cool.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10On television, virtually live, "as live," as we say,
0:09:10 > 0:09:13it's probably the only interesting and important thing
0:09:13 > 0:09:15I've ever done in my life.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16LAUGHTER
0:09:16 > 0:09:19But I'm proud, and thank you for enjoying my square bubble.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Or you could try this pen. Try writing something with the pen.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26Oh, this is going to be hilarious(!)
0:09:26 > 0:09:28- Go on, then.- Oh, dear...
0:09:30 > 0:09:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:32 > 0:09:34I don't want to touch it!
0:09:34 > 0:09:35- Electric shock?- I think so.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39That's... I'm really sorry,
0:09:39 > 0:09:42cos that is quite a severe electric shock.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44- It's not... - I'll just take your word for it.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47It's not insignificant, that one. That is...barely a joke.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50It's not funny at all, Stephen!
0:09:50 > 0:09:52I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55- Yeah, give it back. - That really hurt!
0:09:55 > 0:09:56Aww!
0:09:56 > 0:09:58A bendy pencil...
0:09:58 > 0:09:59I don't want a bendy pencil!
0:09:59 > 0:10:02LAUGHTER
0:10:02 > 0:10:05Have you ever seen an inside-out moon?
0:10:05 > 0:10:08ALL SIGH
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- The Clangers.- They were wonderful! - The land where the Clangers live.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13- ALAN BABBLES - Hello, baby Clanger.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15There's the Soup Dragon.
0:10:15 > 0:10:18HE CONTINUES TO BABBLE
0:10:18 > 0:10:20They didn't do... They didn't make that noise.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22No! Bill, do it. Listen to Bill.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24No, they went like... HE WHISTLES LIKE A CLANGER
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Yeah, but the Soup Dragon...
0:10:26 > 0:10:28- Are you doing the Soup Dragon? - Yeah.- Oh, right.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31- The Soup Dragon was more... - He did a gurgle!
0:10:31 > 0:10:32HE GURGLES
0:10:32 > 0:10:34LAUGHTER
0:10:34 > 0:10:35HE CONTINUES TO GURGLE
0:10:35 > 0:10:38I have to say, in all honesty, as an impartial judge,
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Bill wins the Clanger impression award.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Did you hear about the auctioneer summoned to a Scottish castle?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50This is not a joke by the way. He was summoned to a Scottish castle -
0:10:50 > 0:10:53the Lord had just died and the family were selling the contents -
0:10:53 > 0:10:56and he was looking around, trying to find this hat stand.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59And then finally he came across it, and it was a German soldier.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02And what had happened was that the Lord, or his ancestors,
0:11:02 > 0:11:04had been in the First World War with his batman,
0:11:04 > 0:11:07who it was always supposed was a little more than his batman...
0:11:07 > 0:11:08Right...
0:11:08 > 0:11:10..who looked over the trench to see if it was all right
0:11:10 > 0:11:12and was shot by the Germans on the other side,
0:11:12 > 0:11:15and this enraged the Scottish chap so much,
0:11:15 > 0:11:17he ran across no man's land, killed the German,
0:11:17 > 0:11:20dragged him back to the... to the British trenches,
0:11:20 > 0:11:23sent him home with instructions he be stuffed
0:11:23 > 0:11:26and used as a hat stand for the rest of time.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28But only 80 years had elapsed, so it was as though...
0:11:28 > 0:11:31His ancestors would still be around in Germany,
0:11:31 > 0:11:32and they would come and have to...
0:11:32 > 0:11:34And they had to go and find them and say,
0:11:34 > 0:11:36"Oh, did he... Did he have a dignified death?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38- "Not really, no."- No.
0:11:38 > 0:11:39LAUGHTER
0:11:42 > 0:11:44I had two fellas come into my flat once,
0:11:44 > 0:11:47and they must have been first-time burglars and...
0:11:47 > 0:11:49and I was a first-time burglaree, or whatever.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52- Yeah.- So I was coming down the stairs...- A victim.- That's it!
0:11:52 > 0:11:54I was coming down the stairs, I was in my boxer shorts,
0:11:54 > 0:11:57and they were sort of at the bottom of the stairs in masks, and...
0:11:57 > 0:11:58Bloody hell!
0:11:58 > 0:12:01..there was a point where I thought, "I'm dead. This is it."
0:12:01 > 0:12:02- And THEY panicked.- Yes.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05I don't know why, cos I'm not a scary-looking bloke,
0:12:05 > 0:12:08and after, there was a bit of silence and then one of them went,
0:12:08 > 0:12:10- "Can we borrow some milk?" Like...- Oh!
0:12:10 > 0:12:12APPLAUSE
0:12:13 > 0:12:14Were they three cats?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16LAUGHTER
0:12:16 > 0:12:19Well, it is often the case that the criminal is more scared.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22You know, it is a scary thing to do, if it's a child, I suppose.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24A friend of mine saw a mugging in Central Park in New York,
0:12:24 > 0:12:26and he started running after the mugger,
0:12:26 > 0:12:29and then he realised, he thought, "What am I going to do?"
0:12:29 > 0:12:31And this mugger turned round,
0:12:31 > 0:12:34so he turned round and started running after him.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37And he just...he just shouted out, "I'm a marathon runner,
0:12:37 > 0:12:39"I'm going to keep my distance from you, whatever you do,"
0:12:39 > 0:12:42and just kept running backwards and forwards like that,
0:12:42 > 0:12:44and in the end the guy dropped the bag and ran off,
0:12:44 > 0:12:45because he just didn't know...
0:12:45 > 0:12:47They were just to-ing and fro-ing like that.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49And he just maintained a constant distance from him.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52I can remember getting mugged and I was 17, 16 or 17,
0:12:52 > 0:12:55I got mugged and the guy said, "Give us your money or we'll beat you up,"
0:12:55 > 0:12:56and I remember thinking,
0:12:56 > 0:12:59"Out of the two options, I'm not bothered about this 20 quid,"
0:12:59 > 0:13:02and I gave him the money and then he beat me up, he still beat me up.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04And I remember afterwards being more upset
0:13:04 > 0:13:07by that sort of breach of verbal contract, you know.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Like, we'd entered into an agreement, didn't we?
0:13:10 > 0:13:13- Yes.- A gentleman's agreement. - Yeah. I was like, "No, not fair..."
0:13:13 > 0:13:15There is no stronger, hotter smart that you feel,
0:13:15 > 0:13:18as a child in particular, than injustice, is there?
0:13:18 > 0:13:22Injustice is a horrible thing. And that was unjust.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25There's the bridge, and you're about to see a superhero,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27a man of astounding courage and bravery,
0:13:27 > 0:13:31do a bungee jump off the original AJ Hackett bridge.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33There he is. Can you see him there?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36He's fat, he's...
0:13:36 > 0:13:37It's...it's me!
0:13:37 > 0:13:39LAUGHTER
0:13:39 > 0:13:41THEY CHEER AND GROAN
0:13:41 > 0:13:44There I am. That was me bungee jumping just last...
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Earlier this year, in fact.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47Wow! Goodness me.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49And you know, the weird thing is,
0:13:49 > 0:13:51I am the biggest coward in the world...
0:13:51 > 0:13:55The moment I was picked up by the relief boat that picks you up,
0:13:55 > 0:13:56I said, "I want to do it again!"
0:13:56 > 0:13:58LAUGHTER
0:13:58 > 0:14:01The adrenaline surge is so enormous.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03It is the biggest fun I've ever had.
0:14:03 > 0:14:04A rush. Well done.
0:14:04 > 0:14:07And does it...does it pull at your ankles?
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Well, the major problem usually is detached retinas, actually.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12- Yes.- People get pop-eyed.
0:14:12 > 0:14:16What about when we went scuba diving and your mask was too tight?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18- Do you remember that? - Oh, yeah. No, I don't want to...
0:14:18 > 0:14:20His eyes nearly came out of his head!
0:14:20 > 0:14:22LAUGHTER
0:14:22 > 0:14:26And inside the mask were these massive eyes...
0:14:26 > 0:14:28We're all going, "Come and have a look at Bill!"
0:14:28 > 0:14:31"Check he's all right, check he's all right..."
0:14:31 > 0:14:33And when we found out he was all right, I laughed my head off.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35LAUGHTER
0:14:35 > 0:14:36- No! No, can I just...? - The thing is...
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Wait! Wait, wait, wait! Whoa! Rewind. Rewind.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Can we just go back to the bit where you said...?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45When you checked we were all right, you laughed my head off?
0:14:45 > 0:14:48You were laughing from the minute my face came out of the water.
0:14:48 > 0:14:49LAUGHTER
0:14:49 > 0:14:51There's these fucking massive eyes!
0:14:51 > 0:14:54There was blood pouring out of my eyes.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56He had no idea at all, couldn't feel anything!
0:14:56 > 0:14:59I had no idea. I was running around and people were going, "Oh, my God!"
0:14:59 > 0:15:03ALAN SCREAMS "Oh, my God!" I went, "What? What?!"
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Like Carrie, or something, with blood streaming from my eyes...
0:15:07 > 0:15:08You had huge great eyeballs,
0:15:08 > 0:15:12- which took quite a long time for them to recede as well.- Yes, it did.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14And a lot of laughing was going on.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17I thought you had some sort of magnifying mask on,
0:15:17 > 0:15:20- but when you took the mask off, they were still enormous.- Enormous...
0:15:20 > 0:15:22LAUGHTER
0:15:22 > 0:15:24When we lived in Australia, my wife bought a horse
0:15:24 > 0:15:27and she was desperate to try and get me to ride, right?
0:15:27 > 0:15:29So she said, "I've bought this horse,
0:15:29 > 0:15:31- "it's really docile and you'll be fine."- They never are.
0:15:31 > 0:15:34Well, no, actually, the problem was it was TOO docile.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38What happened was it ended up being studied by Melbourne University
0:15:38 > 0:15:40because... Yeah!
0:15:40 > 0:15:44Because it was one of the few horses that was...
0:15:44 > 0:15:46medically, got narcolepsy.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50LAUGHTER So, I swear to God... No...
0:15:50 > 0:15:54It's one of the rare cases of a narcoleptic horse.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56So, she buys this horse and she says...
0:15:56 > 0:16:00She couldn't work out why every time, when she was grooming it,
0:16:00 > 0:16:02it would get heavier and it would just...
0:16:02 > 0:16:04LAUGHTER
0:16:04 > 0:16:06HE CRIES OUT ..like that.
0:16:06 > 0:16:09And...so, she couldn't groom it, because it would fall on her.
0:16:09 > 0:16:14So she says to me, "It's fine, the horse is narcoleptic, get on it."
0:16:14 > 0:16:16And so I got on it, in full motorbike gear,
0:16:16 > 0:16:18cos I wasn't taking any chances,
0:16:18 > 0:16:22and I sat on this horse and it started to just...
0:16:22 > 0:16:25and you know, normally, you kick a horse to make it go?
0:16:25 > 0:16:27This one, you kicked it and it would go, "What? Eh?"
0:16:27 > 0:16:29Like that, to wake it up.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32And sometimes it would fall asleep against the electric fence...
0:16:32 > 0:16:33LAUGHTER
0:16:33 > 0:16:35So it would go... It would go like that...
0:16:35 > 0:16:38"Ah! Hey! Ah! Oh! Hey!"
0:16:38 > 0:16:40It's like Jack Douglas from the Carry On films.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42LAUGHTER
0:16:42 > 0:16:44There's a man called Theo Jansen
0:16:44 > 0:16:46who's an extraordinary artist/inventor,
0:16:46 > 0:16:49who has created this remarkable machine. Do you know about it?
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- It walks along...- It walks on the sand without any electronics
0:16:52 > 0:16:54or anything else like that, just powered by the wind.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57It's really extraordinary. These are some of the things it can do.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59No metallic or electronic parts, remember that.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02It can detect the tide coming in, walk away from the water,
0:17:02 > 0:17:05anchor itself by hammering a pin into the ground...
0:17:05 > 0:17:07That's what it looks like. ..if the wind gets too strong.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10It can even store up air in bottles when the wind is blowing,
0:17:10 > 0:17:13and release it to keep itself moving when the wind drops.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14Lots of clips on YouTube,
0:17:14 > 0:17:17but you have to go to Holland to see them live on the beach.
0:17:17 > 0:17:21BUT, through the magic of the next big thing in tech,
0:17:21 > 0:17:24which is 3-D printing, where you can print an object out...
0:17:24 > 0:17:27This is a 3-D printed object. It's entirely 3-D printed.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31It needed no extra thing, except to have the propeller put on the end.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- Wow!- And this is a version of the sea beast.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37And instead of blowing, I'm going to use a little electric fan like so.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41- There we go.- Wow!
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Ooh, ooh, sand beast.
0:17:44 > 0:17:46- Isn't that cool?- That's great!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48And that was printed out?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51But isn't that an amazing object?
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- Oh, it looks really spooky. - Move your glasses.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56- I can't believe you got that from a 3-D printer.- I know!
0:17:56 > 0:17:59I sort of feel like this is going to be...it's going to bluff,
0:17:59 > 0:18:01- that can't be a real thing. - I promise you it's true.
0:18:01 > 0:18:03So, how does it work? Is it a block of resin? How does it...?
0:18:03 > 0:18:06It's basically lasers fusing powdered plastic together.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Even though it consists of
0:18:08 > 0:18:10at least 76 separate moving interlocking parts,
0:18:10 > 0:18:13they emerge from the printer ready to operate
0:18:13 > 0:18:15without the need for further assembly,
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- with the exception of the addition of the propeller.- No way!
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- That's absolutely right.- That is the future!- Isn't it amazing?!
0:18:21 > 0:18:23Let's hear it for this amazing machine. Brilliant.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26APPLAUSE
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Really impressive.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31The saddest, possibly,
0:18:31 > 0:18:34the saddest story of hide and seek that you can think of,
0:18:34 > 0:18:36although it has a kind of happy ending,
0:18:36 > 0:18:39is Liu Wei, a Chinese pianist who was playing hide and seek
0:18:39 > 0:18:43and he electrocuted himself so badly that he lost both his arms.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46So he learnt to play the piano with his toes.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48So, he could play...? And all of his toes work?
0:18:48 > 0:18:51They look like fingers, it's actually astonishing.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52It's really amazing.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Are you sure he just hasn't got his head in the wrong place?
0:18:54 > 0:18:56LAUGHTER
0:18:56 > 0:18:58He's got his hands down a pair of trousers!
0:19:00 > 0:19:03"Look at my toes! Look at my toes! Coming out of the end of my...
0:19:03 > 0:19:05"I've taken my socks off."
0:19:07 > 0:19:10- "I play the piano with my toes, everyone."- Exactly.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12He's saying he's a man who can play the piano with his feet.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15He's a man with a penis that looks like a face.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17LAUGHTER
0:19:19 > 0:19:22I just...I have to do a story that's to do with pranks at medical school.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24- Oh, lovely.- Because my flatmates...
0:19:24 > 0:19:27They had a girl in their group at medical school
0:19:27 > 0:19:30that was very annoying, so they decided to play a trick on her.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33So basically they got a hand from the lab
0:19:33 > 0:19:37- and put it on her pillow in the student digs.- Oh, God.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39And then they all hid in the kitchen
0:19:39 > 0:19:42and she came in from a night out, went into her room,
0:19:42 > 0:19:45and they expected she would just open the door and go, "Argh!"
0:19:45 > 0:19:49Like that, and then they would all go in there and point and laugh.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53And she went in there and, for ages, there was just complete silence,
0:19:53 > 0:19:56and they thought, "Oh, God, what's going on?"
0:19:56 > 0:19:58Please, God, no, not what I think it is!
0:19:59 > 0:20:04I hope you're not thinking what I'm thinking, Alan.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06- Please let's not...- No.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- Did she ball it into a fist...? - Anyway...- No, no!
0:20:09 > 0:20:11- GROANS AND LAUGHTER - Don't!
0:20:11 > 0:20:13- ..and then couldn't get it out? - We're all thinking...
0:20:13 > 0:20:16We're all thinking what must be the wrong thing.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18No, so they went into the room and she was sitting on the bed...
0:20:18 > 0:20:20- eating it.- Eating it?!
0:20:20 > 0:20:22SHOUTING AND GROANING
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Oh, that's even worse!
0:20:23 > 0:20:26I know. I'm sorry to have to tell you, but that's absolutely true.
0:20:26 > 0:20:28Why was she eating it?!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- Because she was hungry! - Because I think it freaked... Yes.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33What does...? Why...? What...? She was hungry?
0:20:33 > 0:20:36It's like... I'm hungry right now, I'm not eating your hand.
0:20:36 > 0:20:38LAUGHTER
0:20:38 > 0:20:42I want you all to do a jolly jape now, which is make a dart,
0:20:42 > 0:20:46a paper dart, and the person who can throw it the furthest wins.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- Talk amongst yourselves!- Yeah.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50We want a piece of this paper...
0:20:50 > 0:20:53There are various kinds you can do, just try the type you did at school.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Oh, I've totally forgotten now to do this.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57And, obviously, take your time, as quickly as you can.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00I'm going to make one the way we used to make them at school,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03knowing full well that they didn't fly very well.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Well, some people were good at it and some weren't.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Interesting to see how well you're doing.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09It's precision engineering.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12Oops, I've made a hat.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14LAUGHTER
0:21:14 > 0:21:16I'm going to put little flaps on mine, and a tail.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19Mine's just... I've just had that idea!
0:21:19 > 0:21:22You seem to be ready. Who's ready? David, have a go.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- I've done this completely wrong... - As far as you can go.
0:21:27 > 0:21:28Not bad.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:32 > 0:21:34Should you throw or should you cast like a bowler?
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Ah! Well, it's up to you.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39- Yours is great, look at that. - Yeah, that looks very good.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Whoa, there we go.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44APPLAUSE
0:21:46 > 0:21:48- It went up because of the flaps. - Yeah. Your flaps.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51- Corrugated roof tiles! - Flaps gave it lift.
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Watch out in the back row, this is going to be lethal.
0:21:54 > 0:21:55It's one of those stealth ones.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58You won't be able to see it, you won't be able to measure it.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01You can buy it from Wickes. "It's got our name on it." Oh!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04APPLAUSE
0:22:08 > 0:22:09A suicide plane!
0:22:09 > 0:22:12That's impossible! It defies all laws of physics.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14I thought it was acrobatics.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Sue, your chance for glory.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I don't think it's going to happen.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Well, despite the brilliance of Amy Johnson...
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Would you be surprised to know
0:22:27 > 0:22:31that the paper airplane that goes the furthest looks like this?
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- Stop it!- No! - Yeah, that's a bracelet.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36I know. It seems hardly credible.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39What do you do? Do you just scrunch it up and chuck it?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42I'm unfortunately not very good at throwing it.
0:22:42 > 0:22:46I've practiced a bit, but the world record is 200 yards.
0:22:46 > 0:22:48- No way!- I'm not kidding you. - Straight down.
0:22:48 > 0:22:50You're supposed to twist it, and that's why I'm not good at it.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52I've never thrown an American football.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55You do it in the style of an American football.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56- Whoa!- There you go.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59APPLAUSE
0:22:59 > 0:23:01- Not bad.- That's amazing!
0:23:01 > 0:23:02Pretty good, isn't it?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Are you a Chitty Chitty Bang Bang fan?
0:23:05 > 0:23:08I haven't watched it since I was a child,
0:23:08 > 0:23:11because I think that's when you're supposed to watch it.
0:23:11 > 0:23:12Do you know, that's girls, you see.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14Little girls grow up to be women,
0:23:14 > 0:23:17and little boys grow up to be big little boys.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19- We still watch children's films. - We've got too much stuff to do.
0:23:19 > 0:23:21- Do you have children, though?- No.
0:23:21 > 0:23:23- Ah, well, when you do, then remember...- No, no, no, no!
0:23:23 > 0:23:26- You plan not to?- No. There's no "when," Stephen.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30- There's no...- No.- You're not going to adopt a little shiny little baby?
0:23:30 > 0:23:31A SHINY one?!
0:23:31 > 0:23:33LAUGHTER
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Are they varnished? Can I varnish one?
0:23:36 > 0:23:40I don't know. They might be more attractive if they're shiny.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42It's not my field, I don't...
0:23:42 > 0:23:45And then Stephen revealed his plans for a child-buffing workshop...
0:23:45 > 0:23:48LAUGHTER
0:23:49 > 0:23:53..where craftsmen will get toddlers to a high sheen.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54LAUGHTER
0:23:54 > 0:23:58"More... More lacquer, little boy?"
0:23:58 > 0:23:59LAUGHTER
0:23:59 > 0:24:02HE IMITATES MACHINE WHIRRING
0:24:02 > 0:24:04APPLAUSE
0:24:07 > 0:24:11- Oh, dear!- "You're the shiniest one."
0:24:11 > 0:24:14"We shall put you in Harrods' window."
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Oh, stop it!
0:24:15 > 0:24:18"I'm still alive in here, I'm still alive in here."
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- "Why, I can see..."- "Help me!"
0:24:20 > 0:24:23"I can see my face in your face. It's..."
0:24:23 > 0:24:25HE IMITATES MACHINE WHIRRING
0:24:25 > 0:24:26You might have changed my mind.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28I thought they were very matte, I had no idea.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Nice shiny little baby, I think they're lovely.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Although, slightly put off by the idea of the child-buffing.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37LAUGHTER
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Thank you for that, so much.
0:24:46 > 0:24:51Now, making hydrogen with nails and drain cleaner
0:24:51 > 0:24:54would be a very jolly jape indeed, don't you think?
0:24:54 > 0:24:56- Yes, I think so.- So, let's try it.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58To prove that it's hydrogen, I'm going to have to set fire it.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00And I'm going to set fire to it on my own hand,
0:25:00 > 0:25:03so, first of all I'm going to have a little basin of water
0:25:03 > 0:25:05I'm going to put here, to dip my hand in,
0:25:05 > 0:25:07to wet it, so I don't burn myself too badly.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09And then I have my really exci...
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Oh, hello?
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Made a mistake, sorry. Man in my ear's furious with me.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18"What are you fucking doing?!
0:25:18 > 0:25:19"Put the water down!"
0:25:19 > 0:25:22LAUGHTER
0:25:22 > 0:25:25"Do this properly or you will die, do you understand?!"
0:25:25 > 0:25:27LAUGHTER
0:25:27 > 0:25:29- No... - "Start again, for fuck's sake!"
0:25:29 > 0:25:31LAUGHTER
0:25:31 > 0:25:34He was much gentler than that. He was very sweet.
0:25:34 > 0:25:35So, anyway...
0:25:35 > 0:25:40I've been told to tell you not to try this at home.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42- Try it in someone else's home... - Yeah.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43LAUGHTER
0:25:43 > 0:25:46The fire exits are there, and there.
0:25:46 > 0:25:51What I've got here is some ordinary green-coloured washing up liquid.
0:25:51 > 0:25:55We're not allowed to mention it's Fairy... Its name!
0:25:55 > 0:25:58I've got a little chemical lab, a little...
0:25:58 > 0:26:01- I don't know what you call this... - Flask.- Flask, I think, is the word.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04Oh, this is like going on a picnic with Heston Blumenthal!
0:26:04 > 0:26:05LAUGHTER
0:26:05 > 0:26:08It's got some nails in it and I'm going to add a few more
0:26:08 > 0:26:09and a little bit of zinc.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12And I've got here, this is the hydrochloric acid, very strong.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14When are you going to put on the safety goggles?
0:26:14 > 0:26:18I'll put them on now, because I'm about to open the bottle of acid.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20"Put the fucking safety goggles on!"
0:26:20 > 0:26:21LAUGHTER
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Not only that, but I've also got...
0:26:23 > 0:26:26I've also got a... I've also got a mask.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28- Here we go.- What about us?!
0:26:28 > 0:26:31Sorry, can I just ask, YOU'RE putting on safety goggles?
0:26:31 > 0:26:32Yeah!
0:26:32 > 0:26:34- YOU'RE putting on a mask. - What's the story here?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36You're fine, you're expendable.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38LAUGHTER
0:26:38 > 0:26:41I may have the mask upside down.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43It does tell you to put the mask on your children
0:26:43 > 0:26:46before putting it on yourself, as on an aeroplane.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48"Got the fucking mask upside down!"
0:26:48 > 0:26:50LAUGHTER
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Right, OK. I've got the goggles, I've got this.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57Now what I'm going to do, all right, is I'm going to pour this acid...
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Jesus, onto some nails?!
0:26:59 > 0:27:01- ..into the nails, that's right.- Why?
0:27:01 > 0:27:04And it...the zinc and the hydrochloric acid will react.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06Has he been drinking? Has he been drinking?
0:27:06 > 0:27:07Yeah. He's been drinking THAT.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10Oh, there we go. And that's...that's going to produce quite a lot.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12It's going towards me!
0:27:12 > 0:27:14It's blowing our way! It's blowing our way!
0:27:14 > 0:27:16- I now have to put this cork in it. - Geez!
0:27:16 > 0:27:18If I put the cork in it tight enough,
0:27:18 > 0:27:19it will come out of here,
0:27:19 > 0:27:22and I put this in here and it will bubble up.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Right, that's important.
0:27:24 > 0:27:25LAUGHTER
0:27:25 > 0:27:27If you say so!
0:27:27 > 0:27:29If it... The bubbles are made of hydrogen.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32This is my contention, and the only way to prove it
0:27:32 > 0:27:35is to grasp the bubbles... I'm going to wet my hand now, to be safer,
0:27:35 > 0:27:37- and grasp these bubbles... - What the hell is that?!
0:27:37 > 0:27:41- I'm going to take the bubbles there. - It's like a sex cactus.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43And I'm going to go... Oh, God!
0:27:43 > 0:27:45SCREAMING, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Wow! Really exciting.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Pretty exciting!
0:27:51 > 0:27:52We can try that again.
0:27:52 > 0:27:53Oh, yeah!
0:27:53 > 0:27:55Let's get even more bubbles.
0:27:55 > 0:27:56That is great.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59Stephen's goggles are so steamed up, he's completely blind!
0:27:59 > 0:28:00Even more bubbles here. Here we go.
0:28:00 > 0:28:03- He's blind as blind King John of Bohemia.- Here we go.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Oh, come on... Oh work, lighter!
0:28:05 > 0:28:07- Anyone got a light? - Oh, the lighter's stopped working.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10GASPING, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:11 > 0:28:13Let's try it again, one more.
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Wet your hand again, you didn't wet it.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17- You didn't wet the hand! - Come on. Bloody lighter!
0:28:17 > 0:28:19Expelliarmus!
0:28:19 > 0:28:20Oh.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22Phew. That actually hurt.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25- Wow!- I've made hydrogen, ladies and gentlemen. Wow!
0:28:25 > 0:28:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:29 > 0:28:31- How very exciting.- Pretty exciting!
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Let's cover that.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35"PUT THE LID ON THE ACID!"
0:28:35 > 0:28:37LAUGHTER
0:28:50 > 0:28:53Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd