0:00:28 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:35Hello!
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:38 > 0:00:45and welcome to QI, where tonight our topic is Journeys.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48And let's see who's in the arrivals hall today.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51All the way up from Down Under, it's Cal Wilson.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Hello!
0:00:56 > 0:00:58The only way here is from Essex - Phill Jupitus.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:04 > 0:01:09And...from Port Talbot Parkway, stopping at Pyle, Bridgend, Pencoed,
0:01:09 > 0:01:14Llanharan, Pontyclun, Ninian Park and Cardiff Central -
0:01:14 > 0:01:15Rob Brydon.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:21 > 0:01:25And bearing the label, "Not Wanted On Voyage," Alan Davies.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:32 > 0:01:35And they all have little buzzer noises and Cal goes...
0:01:35 > 0:01:37PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT CHIMES
0:01:37 > 0:01:38And Rob goes...
0:01:38 > 0:01:41STEAM TRAIN WHISTLES
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Phill goes...
0:01:42 > 0:01:44FOGHORN BLARES
0:01:45 > 0:01:47- Which you do, in fact, don't you? - I do.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49- LAUGHTER - And Alan goes...
0:01:49 > 0:01:51HORN HONKS
0:01:51 > 0:01:53That's your chosen mode of transport.
0:01:53 > 0:01:54We've travelled a lot, Alan,
0:01:54 > 0:01:57and one of the places we travelled to a few months ago was Australia,
0:01:57 > 0:01:58and that's where we found Cal,
0:01:58 > 0:02:01who is New Zealand's perhaps greatest stand-up comedian
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- and works mostly in Melbourne now, don't you?- Yes, I do, I do.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06- I've got the Antipodes covered!- Yeah!
0:02:06 > 0:02:09But we liked you so much we smuggled you in our luggage
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- and we brought you back here, so, welcome.- Thank you.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14I make a better souvenir than an interesting key ring, I suppose.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Exactly, exactly!
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- I did want a koala but... - A stuffed koala?
0:02:18 > 0:02:20- Not on, apparently.- No.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24The journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single question -
0:02:24 > 0:02:27where the hell did I leave my passport?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29I lost mine on a plane once and it had gone down,
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- under the cushion of my seat.- Oh!
0:02:32 > 0:02:33- Oh, yeah.- The actual plane seat.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37- Yeah.- I was on the plane for a... I refused to get off the plane.
0:02:37 > 0:02:42- Yeah, you have to get your seat disassembled. I've had that. - Eventually, I found it.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44That's the end of the story.
0:02:44 > 0:02:45LAUGHTER
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Oh, that's a beautiful story! That is...
0:02:48 > 0:02:50That is a lovely, lovely story.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53Stephen, is that Alan Davies or is it...?
0:02:53 > 0:02:56Hang on, is it Peter Ustinov?! LAUGHTER
0:02:56 > 0:02:59That was a hell of an anecdote!
0:02:59 > 0:03:02If that is the level of the bar this evening I may go home.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03LAUGHTER
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Is it you? Specifically you? Where did YOU leave YOUR passport?
0:03:06 > 0:03:07No, it's technique.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10The University of Wisconsin, when you lose something,
0:03:10 > 0:03:14it actually helps to say the name of the thing that you've lost,
0:03:14 > 0:03:15or you are looking for.
0:03:15 > 0:03:16- Dignity.- Yes!
0:03:16 > 0:03:19- LAUGHTER - Very good.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21APPLAUSE
0:03:21 > 0:03:22- Brilliant!- You see?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- Exactly.- For me, that would make it worse.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28- That would just draw attention to it. - Your wallet has a name?!
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Well, no...
0:03:30 > 0:03:31"Peregrine!"
0:03:31 > 0:03:35- LAUGHTER - "PEREGRINE! Baaa!"
0:03:35 > 0:03:37"Peregrine!"
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- LAUGHTER - That's how...
0:03:43 > 0:03:47- It might work!- It has now!
0:03:47 > 0:03:49From now on it will be called Peregrine.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52But anyway, that's not the point, the point is, for example,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55you open a cutlery drawer and where the hell's the garlic peeler, or whatever?
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- If you just say garlic peeler. - Yes, the garlic peeler. Again...
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- "Andrew! "Andrew!" - LAUGHTER
0:04:04 > 0:04:07You're missing my point about names, here.
0:04:07 > 0:04:10I just mean the word we give the thing.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Its normal description, as found in a dictionary.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Not from the list of given names.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20It isn't Julian the cheese grater.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22LAUGHTER
0:04:22 > 0:04:24It isn't Barbara the corkscrew.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26So, what did you do? You have to say,
0:04:26 > 0:04:29you have to say, "Wallet, wallet, wallet"?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31- "Keys, keys, keys, keys, keys, keys."- Yeah, exactly.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34So, it you say, sort of, you know, "bottle opener, bottle opener."
0:04:34 > 0:04:36You've got more chance of seeing it, you're look...
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- "Money, money, money..." - LAUGHTER
0:04:38 > 0:04:40- You know that phrase... - "GOLD, GOLD!"
0:04:40 > 0:04:43- LAUGHTER - You know that phrase, "It was just staring me in the face,"
0:04:43 > 0:04:45and you somehow couldn't see it?
0:04:45 > 0:04:47The act of speaking does something in your brain
0:04:47 > 0:04:49that actually allows your eyes to see it more clearly.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- That's been demonstrated. - Reminds me of that phrase,
0:04:52 > 0:04:55"Couldn't see the wood for the trees,"
0:04:55 > 0:04:57- have you ever come across that phrase before?- I have, I have.
0:04:57 > 0:04:58I never used to understand it.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02What it basically means is you're looking at... Wait.
0:05:02 > 0:05:07- LAUGHTER You're looking for wood.- Yes, yes.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11- Not in the way you might! - No, not in that sense! - LAUGHTER
0:05:11 > 0:05:14- You're looking, you're looking for wood...- Yeah.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- ..and you're looking at trees.- Yes.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19So, you are, in essence, looking at wood.
0:05:19 > 0:05:23- They are wood, aren't they? - But you're s... I've got it, Alan. LAUGHTER
0:05:23 > 0:05:27But you're seeing trees so you can't see the wood for the trees
0:05:27 > 0:05:31and, I think, in a funny old way, it's a little bit like what you're talking about.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34- LAUGHTER - Almost exactly not.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35- Yeah.- Yeah. - LAUGHTER
0:05:35 > 0:05:37It's nice you brought that up. It's a good...
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Now, the other thing, before I finish,
0:05:39 > 0:05:42the other thing I'd like to bring up is this business now with passports.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- They don't like you to smile in the photograph.- Oh, no.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47- When I grew up a smile was always mandatory.- A big grin, yes.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Like, if you're...
0:05:49 > 0:05:50LAUGHTER
0:05:50 > 0:05:54But now, you have to look like you're suspected of having done something.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57I look like a Russian prison guard in my passport photo.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59I can see that! I can see that! Absolutely.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01LAUGHTER
0:06:01 > 0:06:03A hatchet-faced Silesian fish wife.
0:06:03 > 0:06:04LAUGHTER
0:06:04 > 0:06:09Every single photo booth I get into appears to be set on paedophile.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12LAUGHTER
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Try and recreate that look for us now, could you?
0:06:15 > 0:06:18Right, for a kick-off, what you have to do in a photo-Me booth
0:06:18 > 0:06:20is, they don't let you wear glasses either,
0:06:20 > 0:06:22and, also, because the camera lens is behind the mirror
0:06:22 > 0:06:25and you don't know where it is you're always looking slightly off...
0:06:25 > 0:06:29- That's true.- Is it down...? OK, this is the look.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32LAUGHTER
0:06:32 > 0:06:34Stay away from my children!
0:06:34 > 0:06:37APPLAUSE
0:06:38 > 0:06:42It gets you... It gets you out of a lot of baby-sitting duties, though.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45I bet our passports would look quite good together
0:06:45 > 0:06:47cos you're the paedophile and I'm the prison guard.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50Yeah, we should travel together.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- LAUGHTER - I'm with my Kiwi handler.
0:06:53 > 0:06:57- Do Kiwis have handlers? - LAUGHTER
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- There's not, they're not very good... - Are they edible?
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- We're not allowed to eat them. - Like swans?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05I mean, the Queen's allowed them. Is the Queen allowed Kiwis?
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- I don't think she is.- Could she eat anything cos she's the Queen?
0:07:08 > 0:07:12- I wouldn't be the one to tell her not to but...- I imagine not!- No, no.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15"Stop eating that Kiwi, you dreadful old woman!"
0:07:15 > 0:07:16LAUGHTER
0:07:16 > 0:07:18I imagine that you'd be a bit more polite.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20You are Stephen Fry off the telly.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- You don't have to do the "dreadful old woman."- No...
0:07:22 > 0:07:24But it would be a dreadful thing to do.
0:07:24 > 0:07:28- You could say, "Stop eating that Kiwi, ma'am, have some jam." - Exactly, exactly.
0:07:28 > 0:07:31- "Your Majesty, put the puffin down!" - LAUGHTER
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Let's just have situations where we tell the Queen to stop eating...
0:07:34 > 0:07:36That sounds like a children's game.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38"And now have a round of Your Majesty Put The Puffin Down!"
0:07:38 > 0:07:42- LAUGHTER - "You're the Queen, so, one...two...three...- Trousers off!
0:07:42 > 0:07:45"..Your Majesty, put the puffin down!" Yes, very good.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48I don't know why or how we got there but that's what journeys do to you.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Anyway, describe the travel arrangements
0:07:51 > 0:07:52of the Japanese flying snail.
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- FOGHORN BLARES - Where is it going?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57LAUGHTER
0:07:57 > 0:08:02Er, it probably won't travel more than 11 miles but very fast.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04Does it drop?
0:08:04 > 0:08:05- Yes.- Is it a fall?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Yes, but how would it get up?
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- They haven't got wings, have they, you see?- They haven't.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12They so haven't but we haven't got wings and we fly, how do we do it?
0:08:12 > 0:08:14- In an aeroplane.- In an aeroplane.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- We get in...- I've got the answer. - ..a conveyance of flight. - STEAM TRAIN WHISTLES
0:08:17 > 0:08:21- They hop on a bird or a creature with wings - a bird.- Yes.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Erm, they hop on...
0:08:23 > 0:08:24Could have been a bat?
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Could've been a bat. Could have been a bat or a bird.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Or a strange hybrid of bird bat. LAUGHTER
0:08:29 > 0:08:32They hop onto a creature with the ability to fly.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35But 11 miles, that's very, very high.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39- It's not the height, it's not the altitude, they travel... - LAUGHTER
0:08:39 > 0:08:41They are not going up into space!
0:08:41 > 0:08:43I've got it in my head that they're dropping 11 miles.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45It's not a voluntary act, they get eaten by birds.
0:08:45 > 0:08:49- Oh.- There are two types of bird on the little island of Haha-jima.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Haha-jima, it's one of the Ogasawara Islands, south of Japan,
0:08:52 > 0:08:56as you can see, and there is the Japanese White-eye and the Brown-eyed bulbul,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59which are two types of bird. There they are.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02And they EAT this particular snail...
0:09:02 > 0:09:05and about 15% of them survive the process
0:09:05 > 0:09:09and are excreted out alive and so they are, kind of, spreading their,
0:09:09 > 0:09:12- spreading the genes further around. - Is this to scale?- Yeah.
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- Because that seems unlikely. - No, it's not!
0:09:14 > 0:09:16LAUGHTER
0:09:16 > 0:09:18That'd be a seriously weighed down bulbul.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21That snail would eat that bird! I'd back the snail!
0:09:21 > 0:09:25Is the, is, the bird on the left, is that a white ring around its eye
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- or has it just excreted a full size snail?- Yeah! Oh!
0:09:28 > 0:09:30"Whoa!"
0:09:30 > 0:09:31LAUGHTER
0:09:31 > 0:09:33It can be up to between 30 minutes or two hours later
0:09:33 > 0:09:36that it passes through the bird's system, as it were,
0:09:36 > 0:09:38and the bird can fly at about 11mph.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Does the snail go into his own shell,
0:09:42 > 0:09:44by which I don't mean get a little self-conscious.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Does he retreat into his shell to take shelter?
0:09:46 > 0:09:49I should imagine he would. I should imagine he would.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Don't they pick them from the shell? Don't they...?
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Like you do in a restaurant with a little special fork?
0:09:54 > 0:09:57- They've got a special fork! - Which is called Arnold, by the way.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01- I'm writing it down. Ice cream Scoop called Vanessa.- Yes!
0:10:01 > 0:10:05- So, anyway...- What would you call one of those pizza cutters?
0:10:05 > 0:10:06The roly pizza cutter?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- Clement.- Clement.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- Can we call it Dave? - LAUGHTER
0:10:11 > 0:10:12Well, there you are.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Yes, good. So, the cry goes up, "Abandon ship," now.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17That's our next question, "Abandon ship."
0:10:17 > 0:10:20Now, we are proud Britons and one proud Kiwi,
0:10:20 > 0:10:23what do we say next? What do we chaps say?
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Women and children first!
0:10:25 > 0:10:26Oh!
0:10:26 > 0:10:28KLAXON BLARES
0:10:28 > 0:10:31As far as we know, that's only ever been cried twice.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33It's called the Birkenhead Drill
0:10:33 > 0:10:36and it happened on board a ship called the Birkenhead
0:10:36 > 0:10:38but that was cos the captain pointed a gun at his crew
0:10:38 > 0:10:40and said, "Women and children first."
0:10:40 > 0:10:43This had not been an idea that especially existed before
0:10:43 > 0:10:46and, in fact, it's very un-British.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Women have a lesser chance of surviving
0:10:48 > 0:10:50if a British ship sinks than a Continental one.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54- That's good to know! - Yup, so there you go. - LAUGHTER
0:10:54 > 0:10:57So, we aren't the gallant creatures that we thought we were, at all.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01The Titanic was the other one in which men were told to stand back
0:11:01 > 0:11:03and there was, we've had this on QI before,
0:11:03 > 0:11:05there was one crew member who survived,
0:11:05 > 0:11:06went all the way home to Liverpool
0:11:06 > 0:11:08and he had the door slammed in his face by his mother
0:11:08 > 0:11:10who was ashamed of him for having survived.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14- But, in fact, more... - She sounds nice.- Yeah, charming!
0:11:14 > 0:11:15LAUGHTER
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Extraordinary. I mean, unbelievable!
0:11:18 > 0:11:23But, obviously, you want a fair number of fit, strong people
0:11:23 > 0:11:25who know their way around the waters, as it were,
0:11:25 > 0:11:27once you're in the lifeboat cos if it's women and children
0:11:27 > 0:11:31there's not really going to be that much, necessarily, use in being in the lifeboat.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33That's a bit sexist, Stephen!
0:11:33 > 0:11:37You need at least one crew member who can navigate by the stars or who can operate the oars efficiently.
0:11:37 > 0:11:42Or isn't going, "Oh, look, there's a fish over there! Let's go over there!"
0:11:42 > 0:11:44I wasn't going to be the one to say that, I'm glad you did.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47Known as the Birkenhead Drill, it's not common.
0:11:47 > 0:11:50Anyway, how long would it take you to bicycle from Land's End
0:11:50 > 0:11:54- to the northernmost part of Britain? - What, John O'Groats, you mean?
0:11:54 > 0:11:58- Oh! - KLAXON BLARES
0:11:58 > 0:12:03- Mean of me, wasn't it?- No, no, ask clear, well-defined questions!
0:12:03 > 0:12:07- We just like to make you say things! - You can't buzz-buzz me on chitchat!
0:12:07 > 0:12:08LAUGHTER
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- No, it's not the northernmost part of Britain.- Is it not?
0:12:11 > 0:12:13No, surprisingly.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16It, sort of, advertises itself as such and it has a little hut.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19There's the last house in Scotland, in John O'Groats.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22There's one of those boys in callipers. I haven't seen one for years.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25- A long time ago, I know. - There was one on the high street when I was a kid.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28It used to be called the Spastic Society, it's now Scope, isn't it?
0:12:28 > 0:12:32- You put a penny in and he was still there the next week. - LAUGHTER
0:12:32 > 0:12:35Did you put a penny in to make him go away?!
0:12:35 > 0:12:38- I thought it would get him better, poor lad.- Oh, bless!
0:12:38 > 0:12:41Look at him, there, he's obviously on his holidays, isn't he?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43I used to like those ones where you put the penny in
0:12:43 > 0:12:45and it just rolled round and round, and round...
0:12:45 > 0:12:47We had a guide dog, you put the penny in its head.
0:12:47 > 0:12:52- We had a lifeboat one where you put the penny in and the lifeboat came out.- That's right! I like that.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56There's a brilliant model of Queen Victoria's dog in Sydney,
0:12:56 > 0:12:58outside the Queen Victoria building,
0:12:58 > 0:13:01and it's like a, you know, you put your donation but it talks.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03So, it's a little, like, Highland terrier
0:13:03 > 0:13:05and it says, in very beautiful newsreader tones,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08"During my lifetime because of my good deeds,
0:13:08 > 0:13:12"after my death I was granted the power of speech." LAUGHTER
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Like this. And then it goes,
0:13:14 > 0:13:18"If you put a coin in the box I will say thank you."
0:13:18 > 0:13:21And then it pauses and then goes, "Thank you." LAUGHTER
0:13:21 > 0:13:23"Woof."
0:13:23 > 0:13:26That said nothing to me.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30- My word!- Every week I put something in his box.
0:13:30 > 0:13:32Which...? Do you put it in the box or is it his head?
0:13:32 > 0:13:33It's got a slot in his box.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36He might have two slots. Some of them would have two slots.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- Two slots in the box, yeah. Women... No, stop it! - LAUGHTER
0:13:39 > 0:13:41PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT CHIMES
0:13:41 > 0:13:44- I never said that!- I resign!- Yes, quite right. Absolutely shameful.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47- We've established this is not your area.- Yeah, exactly.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49He looks, he looked a little bit like...
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- It's like you're talking about Narnia or somewhere. - LAUGHTER
0:13:52 > 0:13:55- It's a fantastical land you've only heard about.- Exactly.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58"You make your way through the fur coats and suddenly...!"
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- Whoa! - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Dear, oh, dear!
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Wielding a coin. A single coin.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12For a while you have a magical time but then you meet an ice maiden.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- Yes. It's all... Oh, dear God! - LAUGHTER
0:14:15 > 0:14:19- Anyway, yes...- You're telling me there's somewhere further than John O'Groats?
0:14:19 > 0:14:23There is indeed - Dunnet Head. That's the actual northernmost spot.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25If you've got to John O'Groats and you haven't gone there...
0:14:25 > 0:14:28You wouldn't cycle on there, would you? It's a bit bumpy!
0:14:28 > 0:14:31It's rather beautiful, isn't it?
0:14:31 > 0:14:34It's about 603 miles, as the crow flies,
0:14:34 > 0:14:36but by road it's about 800 miles.
0:14:36 > 0:14:40Cyclists could take 10 to 14 days doing it.
0:14:40 > 0:14:43The record for running the route, what would you say, is...?
0:14:43 > 0:14:47- Have a guess.- You couldn't do it in less than a week, could you?
0:14:47 > 0:14:51No, no. It's nine days and two hours, which is pretty damn good going.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- I'll say!- In 2005, a golfer named David Sullivan
0:14:54 > 0:14:57hit a golf ball all the way. Took him seven weeks.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59I don't know what his score was.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02Be awful if he didn't fill his card correctly at the end. Disqualified.
0:15:02 > 0:15:06- Have a bit of putter. - LAUGHTER
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Did he mean to do it? Did he mean to do it?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Was he just trying to get it in... "Wait a minute!"
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- Just playing it where it lies... - "Oh, I've lost it again!"
0:15:13 > 0:15:16It would land in the back of a lorry going the other direction -
0:15:16 > 0:15:18"Oh, Christ!"
0:15:18 > 0:15:21I feel sorry for the bloke that was standing waiting for him
0:15:21 > 0:15:23- holding the flag. - LAUGHTER
0:15:25 > 0:15:27So, people have done it in all kinds of different ways.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31In 1911 there was a motorcycle record of 29 hours and 12 minutes,
0:15:31 > 0:15:34which led to a ban on further attempts
0:15:34 > 0:15:39because the time necessarily proved that they had been breaking the speed limit, which was 20mph.
0:15:39 > 0:15:43Now, here's a bird you might see near John O'Groats. What is it?
0:15:43 > 0:15:45- Well...- Gannet!
0:15:45 > 0:15:47- Fulmar.- Not a gannet, it's not a falcon.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Is it the one puffin the Queen hasn't eaten?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51It is a puffin, well done!
0:15:51 > 0:15:53- It's a puffin?- It is a puffin.
0:15:53 > 0:15:57Yes, we usually think of puffins as looking more like this, don't we?
0:15:57 > 0:15:59- There, that's, exactly. Well...- Photoshop. Photoshop.
0:15:59 > 0:16:02- ..when they've had sex... - It's a ninja puffin.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06..and it's winter they don't need to look all bright like that, and so they go all dull.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07But its beak is...?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- Well, I suppose its beak has shrunk enough...- It falls off.
0:16:10 > 0:16:11- It falls off?!- Yes.- What?!
0:16:11 > 0:16:15Yeah. I know. It's just there to attract a mate and then once...
0:16:15 > 0:16:17- The dirty, dirty puffins! - LAUGHTER
0:16:17 > 0:16:20Is it the equivalent of a woman losing her figure
0:16:20 > 0:16:23after she's got married? LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:16:23 > 0:16:27- The minute the ring goes on they just go to pieces.- Oh, now, behave!
0:16:27 > 0:16:29To me, it looks more like a woman taking her padded bra off.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32- That's what it looks like. - Yes, I'm afraid there is...
0:16:32 > 0:16:34She's just not making an effort any more, is she?
0:16:34 > 0:16:37The eye, there, has just been stuck on? Is that...?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Yeah, again, it's a colour, there. It's an all to, kind of...
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- Just blind. I look great. - Brighter, sexy...
0:16:42 > 0:16:45- "Oh, hello, it's worked!" - LAUGHTER
0:16:45 > 0:16:48They rather sweetly pair for life, male and female puffins,
0:16:48 > 0:16:49and they make one egg a year.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52So once they've mated, they don't need to attract each other any more.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55So, you know, for the winter season, when they're busy feeding
0:16:55 > 0:16:57and they just, sort of, put on their spring make up...
0:16:57 > 0:17:00"I remember when you cared about me!"
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- Exactly.- "You used to have a pink beak!" - LAUGHTER
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- But then it comes back?- Yes. - "You should put the eye make-up on!" - It comes back again.- It comes back?!
0:17:07 > 0:17:10Yes, but they are lovely little creatures, aren't they?
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Do you know what a baby puffin is called?
0:17:12 > 0:17:13A puff.
0:17:13 > 0:17:14STEPHEN CHUCKLES
0:17:14 > 0:17:17- It's a puffling. Isn't that lovely? - ALL:- Ah!
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- Exactly, ah!- That's like something out of Harry Potter.- They loved that!
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Say it again, they loved it!
0:17:23 > 0:17:24Puffling.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- ALL:- Ah!
0:17:26 > 0:17:30How many people now have a new nickname for their partner? LAUGHTER
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- Exactly. Puffling. - "For their partner," did you say?
0:17:32 > 0:17:36- For a moment I thought you were going to say their penis. - LAUGHTER
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- For some people, that is their partner.- Puffling.
0:17:40 > 0:17:45Aren't they like those party hats you can get with a bit of elastic?
0:17:45 > 0:17:49- Handy.- The one on the left, he looks like "whoa"! He could easily...
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Honestly, a toucan could do great on that puffin island.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- Can you imagine? - He'd score big-time.
0:17:54 > 0:17:57- Oh, Nelly!- Oh-ho-ho-ho, yeah!
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- "Hey, ladies, yeah." - Well, they spend the time...
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- "From the tropics." - LAUGHTER
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- "This doesn't fall off after." - LAUGHTER
0:18:07 > 0:18:11"No, I'm keeping this. Yeah, I've still got the Guinness money."
0:18:11 > 0:18:15- They are...- He'd be freezing cold, though, wouldn't he, after a while?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18"Ahhh! How'd you do this up here?"
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Would his beak gets smaller in the winter?
0:18:20 > 0:18:23Are these just Arctic toucans?
0:18:23 > 0:18:27Right, no, they're not, actually, they're a kind of auk, in fact.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Most of those you will find in the north Atlantic.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32These, indeed John O'Groats would be a very good place to see them.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- Not Auckland? - Not Auckland, oddly enough.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37That's spelt with a C, a little redundant C, A-U-C-K.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39- Oh, of course it is. - Yeah. But out to sea,
0:18:39 > 0:18:41they are pelagic and they have little backward,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43sort of like barbed rows of things,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45to, basically, to store fish in their mouth
0:18:45 > 0:18:47but they are lovely, lovely creatures.
0:18:47 > 0:18:51Of course, the Catholic Church counted them as fish so you could eat them on Fridays. Good.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54So, for evolutionary reasons, puffins' beaks fall off after sex,
0:18:54 > 0:18:56assuming you believe in evolution, that is.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Like that, what was the name of the naturalist on board the Beagle?
0:18:59 > 0:19:03- Charles Darwin, you mean? - Oh!- Oh, drat! - KLAXON BLARES
0:19:05 > 0:19:07This is a whole new tactic he's doing!
0:19:07 > 0:19:09He wasn't the naturalist on board the Beagle.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11There was an official naturalist on board the Beagle
0:19:11 > 0:19:13and it wasn't Charles Darwin. He was the...?
0:19:13 > 0:19:17- I don't care any more! - Oh, you're angry, I'm sorry.
0:19:17 > 0:19:19- Phillip, I wish it hadn't happened to you.- He was the cook.
0:19:19 > 0:19:23- He wasn't the cook, no.- He was the figurehead on the prow. STEPHEN LAUGHS
0:19:23 > 0:19:25He wasn't that either! He was, in fact, the geologist.
0:19:25 > 0:19:29- The geologist.- It was the doctor, whose name was McCormick, who was the official naturalist
0:19:29 > 0:19:31and he really resented Darwin being there.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34It was for rather snobbish British 19th century reasons
0:19:34 > 0:19:38that FitzRoy, whose voyage it was, wanted a gentleman companion
0:19:38 > 0:19:42and Charles Darwin fitted the bill rather more than the doctor.
0:19:42 > 0:19:43But Christmas Day in 1835,
0:19:43 > 0:19:47there's the young Darwin before he grew that massive beard,
0:19:47 > 0:19:51they went to Tierra del Fuego, the land of the fire, right down below South America,
0:19:51 > 0:19:53and the Darwin was very astonished to note what happened
0:19:53 > 0:19:58when the local people had a famine. What they turned to eat.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01Can you imagine what it is that they ate when times were difficult?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- Guinea pigs?- Penguins?
0:20:03 > 0:20:06- Guinea pigs are eaten in South America commonly. - Just a snack!- That's...
0:20:06 > 0:20:08- One another?- On another is right
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- but a particular type of person was chosen.- Elderly people.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13And the particular type of...?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15- Elderly women? - Elderly women is the answer.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18The elderly women ran for the hills when there was any kind of famine
0:20:18 > 0:20:23- because they were the ones... - "Mmm-mm! That's some good old lady!" - LAUGHTER
0:20:23 > 0:20:27- "I've got the GILF cookbook!" - LAUGHTER AND GROANING
0:20:27 > 0:20:29That's terrible!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31That's just awful, Phillip Jupitus.
0:20:31 > 0:20:35- Erm, but the reason being that... - "Their arms are so tender!"
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Well, they explained to the crew of the Beagle that the reason was,
0:20:38 > 0:20:42I'm afraid to say, that the old women were the least useful members of the tribe
0:20:42 > 0:20:45because old men and children, and others could otter hunt
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- but the old women couldn't hunt for otters.- What about the knitting?!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- I'm sorry?- What about the knitting and crochet?- Well, exactly.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54- I know, exactly.- And who is going to teach you rummy?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56- That's a very good point. Yes. - LAUGHTER
0:20:56 > 0:21:00They can make dumplings. All these things only old ladies can do.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04How does their society evolve with nobody to say, "Oh, I know!"
0:21:04 > 0:21:08- LAUGHTER - "Oh, I know!"
0:21:08 > 0:21:12Anyway, now to a place where they had jackal-headed gods.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- Where would I be?- Egypt.- Ah!
0:21:14 > 0:21:17KLAXON BLARES
0:21:17 > 0:21:19"What, Egypt, you mean?"
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- You didn't quite say that, did you? - Sorry, I didn't quite say...
0:21:22 > 0:21:24"What, Egypt, you mean?"
0:21:24 > 0:21:26LAUGHTER
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Not Egypt, in fact.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Those have been known as jackal-headed gods.
0:21:30 > 0:21:34- That particular God, extra points if you know that.- Anubis.- Well done!
0:21:34 > 0:21:35Anubis is the right answer.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Anubis who was, do you know what the duty of Anubis was?
0:21:39 > 0:21:40Something to do with death.
0:21:40 > 0:21:42Didn't he guide you into the spirit world?
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Another five points, I think, there.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47There's a name for a god that guides you into the underworld,
0:21:47 > 0:21:50like Mercury, who guided you as far as the River Styx,
0:21:50 > 0:21:51and that's a psychopomp.
0:21:51 > 0:21:55- That's a good word!- A psychopomp? - A psychopomp.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Sounds like something you'd find in a medical examination.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00"I'm sorry, you've got psychopomps."
0:22:00 > 0:22:03- "It may be benign, it may be malignant."- Yes, "We're going to have to operate."
0:22:03 > 0:22:05A malignant psychopomp, you wouldn't want.
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Erm, but, in fact, what has been discovered,
0:22:07 > 0:22:10and this is, you won't find this on Egyptological websites
0:22:10 > 0:22:15where they will continue to call Anubis and other Egyptian deities jackal-headed,
0:22:15 > 0:22:19but the animals that existed at the time of ancient Egypt
0:22:19 > 0:22:22were, we now know from DNA, wolves, not jackals.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24So, from a zoological point of view,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26if not from an Egyptological point of view,
0:22:26 > 0:22:30they are in fact the wolf-headed not jackal-headed.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33You heard it here first. A very recent discovery.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35So, that's exciting, isn't it? Well, there you are.
0:22:35 > 0:22:40Which travel organisation includes a mandatory fee
0:22:40 > 0:22:42for the repatriation of your corpse?
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Er, the AA? Thomas Cook?
0:22:44 > 0:22:48No, this is a very particular event that you can subscribe to,
0:22:48 > 0:22:51which, er, they sort out your travel
0:22:51 > 0:22:53and your participation in this event
0:22:53 > 0:22:56but included in it is a fee for the repatriation of your corpse.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59It's not expected you'll die but there is a chance.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01It's not running the bulls at Pamplona, is it?
0:23:01 > 0:23:03No, is not the bulls in Pamplona.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06- It's not one of these Ironman races, is it?- It's that sort of thing.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08It's an incredibly difficult marathon.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10It's called the Marathon des Sables,
0:23:10 > 0:23:13- which your French will tell you means...?- Marathon of the sable.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15LAUGHTER
0:23:15 > 0:23:18These little black furry creatures... Yes.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22- Sand is sable in French. - Oh, sable. Sorry, sorry.
0:23:22 > 0:23:24It's the Marathon of the Sands
0:23:24 > 0:23:27and it's an extraordinarily enduring and gruelling event
0:23:27 > 0:23:31in which you have two carry your own food, although there are water stops,
0:23:31 > 0:23:34and it's six-day... Each day you run a marathon in the Sahara Desert.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36People are very weird, aren't they?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I have a friend who does it and she's done it twice, which is extraordinary.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42Did she have to go back because she had forgotten something?
0:23:42 > 0:23:46- On two separate years!- Oh, they'd better not tell Izzard about it.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- AS EDDIE IZZARD:- "Really? Er... OK!"
0:23:49 > 0:23:51LAUGHTER
0:23:51 > 0:23:53"How many? How many do they do? OK."
0:23:53 > 0:23:55LAUGHTER
0:23:55 > 0:24:00"Er, I'm going to do 120 Desert marathons a week, for a year."
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- LAUGHTER - "Yes, true story."
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Very good Eddie, I have to say!
0:24:05 > 0:24:07APPLAUSE
0:24:08 > 0:24:13I'm going to the pub every night for 27 years.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15LAUGHTER
0:24:15 > 0:24:19In tribute to Nelson Mandela.
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Consider the case of Mauro Prosperi,
0:24:21 > 0:24:24who was a very experienced runner, an Italian policeman, in fact,
0:24:24 > 0:24:28who, in 1994, was doing the Marathon des Sables and there was a sandstorm,
0:24:28 > 0:24:30and he disobeyed the official instructions,
0:24:30 > 0:24:32which are that if you are in a sandstorm you hunker down
0:24:32 > 0:24:33and wait till it passes.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36I guess he wanted to win, so he carried on running and got lost.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39And this is a bad thing in the Sahara, as I'm sure you can imagine.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42By the second day he was drinking his urine, naturally.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44On the third he found an abandoned shrine,
0:24:44 > 0:24:47managed to kill a couple of bats, whose blood he drank.
0:24:47 > 0:24:52He then decided to kill himself with the pen knife but he was so dehydrated the blood wouldn't flow.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54He was rather encouraged to wake up the next morning
0:24:54 > 0:24:58and so he ran for the next five days, drinking urine and dew,
0:24:58 > 0:25:02and eating the occasional lizard that he found and managed to kill on the way.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06After nine days he encountered some nomads who got him back to safety.
0:25:06 > 0:25:10He'd lost three stone and was 130 miles off course in Algeria.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14- LAUGHTER - So, and then he did it again for six years?
0:25:14 > 0:25:18He went back and did it again. Amazing.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21I mean, bizarre but, there you go. It's brrr! Sheesh!
0:25:21 > 0:25:25- No-one gives the nomads much credit in that story, do they?- No, quite!
0:25:25 > 0:25:29He was out there for nine days. Oh, my whole life!
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Yeah, exactly.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33- PHILL LAUGHS - "He walked for six days."
0:25:33 > 0:25:35Oh, get over yourself!
0:25:35 > 0:25:36LAUGHTER
0:25:36 > 0:25:40I was doing that when I was three.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43- "Drinking your own piss? Luxury." - LAUGHTER
0:25:45 > 0:25:48But his description of it is really a very good ode to life, isn't it?
0:25:48 > 0:25:51He said, "I didn't panic, I just despaired."
0:25:51 > 0:25:52There you are.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Anyway, what did Napoleon say to Josephine
0:25:55 > 0:25:59- on his way back from a journey? - Ah, I sense a trap!
0:25:59 > 0:26:01LAUGHTER
0:26:01 > 0:26:04The only thing I know about Napoleon to Josephine was he said,
0:26:04 > 0:26:08- what was it? Rob, what was it? - LAUGHTER
0:26:10 > 0:26:11Phill?
0:26:11 > 0:26:13- LAUGHTER - Cal?
0:26:13 > 0:26:17I'm, I'm going to do it! "I'm coming back, don't wash!"
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- Oh! - KLAXON BLARES
0:26:20 > 0:26:24No, that is one of the two things that people know that Napoleon said.
0:26:24 > 0:26:28"Yeah, I shall be home soon, don't wash." Cos he liked them dirty!
0:26:28 > 0:26:30There is no evidence of that whatsoever.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33The earliest place this quotation that can be sourced is 1981.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37- I only know the other one.- The other on which might be...? What?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39It's the one... Rob?
0:26:39 > 0:26:40LAUGHTER
0:26:40 > 0:26:41Phill, you know it.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45- Cal, it's... Really? - I'm still stuck on the no washing.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47- "Pas ce soir, Josephine."- Oh! - Ah, got away with it!
0:26:47 > 0:26:51Josephine, on the right, there, she's got the same black eyes
0:26:51 > 0:26:54that all the people in my pictures have got on my computer
0:26:54 > 0:26:57when I try and get rid of the red eye.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59They end up with massive black dots
0:26:59 > 0:27:03and they look like something from a zombie film.
0:27:03 > 0:27:04I'm sorry you fell into our trap
0:27:04 > 0:27:07but you managed to avoid the trap of, "Not tonight, Josephine,"
0:27:07 > 0:27:10which is the other thing he was supposed to have said.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14That appears in a play, WG Wills play called The Royal Divorce, which didn't come out until 1891,
0:27:14 > 0:27:18some 70 years after the death of the Emperor.
0:27:18 > 0:27:22- "An army marches on its stomach." - Yes, well, indeed, yes.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26- Did he say that?- Unlikely to have said that to Josephine
0:27:26 > 0:27:28- but he might have done. - LAUGHTER
0:27:28 > 0:27:31I think he meant it more as a, sort of, you know, point about logistics.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34Maybe he discussed all sorts of battle stuff?
0:27:34 > 0:27:36He might have done.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39He said, "I prefer a lucky general to a skilled one," as well.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43We don't know anything particular that Josephine and Napoleon might have said to each other
0:27:43 > 0:27:47but we do know one thing - "Journeys end in lovers meeting,"
0:27:47 > 0:27:50- that's Shakespeare... - LAUGHTER
0:27:50 > 0:27:52..and in fourth place.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54PHILL JUPITUS LAUGHS
0:27:54 > 0:27:57In fourth place we have, I'm sorry to say
0:27:57 > 0:28:02but he did fall into some of our honeytraps rather cumbrously,
0:28:02 > 0:28:03Phill Jupitus with minus 16!
0:28:03 > 0:28:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:08 > 0:28:09And...
0:28:09 > 0:28:12our little kiwi fruit is third with minus eight!
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Cal Wilson!
0:28:14 > 0:28:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:19 > 0:28:22But hold the front page...
0:28:22 > 0:28:23second, with minus three, Rob Brydon!
0:28:23 > 0:28:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:29 > 0:28:34With an astonishing plus four, Alan Davies is the winner!
0:28:34 > 0:28:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:42 > 0:28:46So, that's all from Rob, Phill, Cal, Alan and me.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49The last word on journeys comes from Erma Bombeck, who said,
0:28:49 > 0:28:53"Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic
0:28:53 > 0:28:56"who waved away the dessert cart."
0:28:56 > 0:28:58Have a safe trip. Good night.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:19 > 0:29:22Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd