0:00:24 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:35Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:35 > 0:00:40and dare I say again, good evening and welcome to QI,
0:00:40 > 0:00:42which tonight features Jack and Jill,
0:00:42 > 0:00:44and indeed John, James, Johannes,
0:00:44 > 0:00:47or anybody else whose name begins with J.
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Let's meet every man Jack of 'em. Jack the Lad, Sue Perkins.
0:00:51 > 0:00:53APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Jack the Giant Killer, Katy Brand.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:05Mad Jack McMad, winner of last year's Mr Madman competition,
0:01:05 > 0:01:06David Mitchell.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09APPLAUSE
0:01:10 > 0:01:15And someone who doesn't know Jack. It's Alan Davies.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18APPLAUSE
0:01:21 > 0:01:24So, buzzer-wise, let's hear it for the girls. Katy goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:30# Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene. #
0:01:30 > 0:01:32- I worship that woman.- Sue goes...
0:01:32 > 0:01:35# The Jean Genie lives on his back
0:01:35 > 0:01:37# The Jean Genie. #
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Happy with that.
0:01:39 > 0:01:40Good. David goes...
0:01:40 > 0:01:44# Jennifer, Jennifer. #
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Awww. And Alan goes...
0:01:46 > 0:01:50MUSIC: "Jessica" by The Allman Brothers Band
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Ah!
0:01:51 > 0:01:55Ah, now do you know, that's the theme for Top Gear.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- Top Gear!- And what's the name of that piece of music?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02It's hard to think that the most testosterone-driven programme
0:02:02 > 0:02:06in television history is introduced by Jessica.
0:02:06 > 0:02:11That's the name of that song. It is. Jessica by the Allman Brothers.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14And that's the most interesting fact...in the world.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18So, don't forget, we are looking for names beginning with J.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Who dies if they don't have sex for a year?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24Is it Russell Brand?
0:02:24 > 0:02:27SIREN WAILS
0:02:30 > 0:02:33Good night! Bye-bye!
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- I fear we were there before you, Sue.- Yeah, you were.
0:02:36 > 0:02:40He so doesn't begin with a J. Jo Brand does, but she may die, I don't know.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42No, it's two years before Jo Brand dies.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Yeah, exactly.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46I suspect it's not a human.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Correctly correctington.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- It's something other... - It is from the animal kingdom.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53I actually conducted an experiment many years ago to see
0:02:53 > 0:02:56if you could survive a year without having sex,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59and I'm happy to tell you that yes, you can.
0:02:59 > 0:03:03I was worried your experiment was going to be that you'd had sex
0:03:03 > 0:03:05with a variety of animals to see.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08It wasn't clear to me that it was you,
0:03:08 > 0:03:11it sounded to me like you had someone in a room locked up
0:03:11 > 0:03:14for a year just to see if they would die without sex.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17- They were the control. - They were the control, yeah.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21- While you were freely roaming. - Yes, yeah. And as it turned out, neither of us had sex.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Could you not have saved each other by having sex with one another?
0:03:24 > 0:03:27I think if you put someone in a room and then you have sex with them,
0:03:27 > 0:03:29that's a crime.
0:03:29 > 0:03:33So it's an animal and it's going to begin with a J?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36Well, yes, though the species of animal doesn't begin with J.
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- Right.- It's just that the particular gender begins with a J.
0:03:39 > 0:03:43It's a furry mammal often kept as a pet. And the male...
0:03:43 > 0:03:45- Cat, dog, rabbit, hamster, gerbil... - Cow?!
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Cat! Gerbil.
0:03:47 > 0:03:49No, you were closer with gerbil.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- A ferret.- A ferret.- Ferret.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- Now, what's a male ferret called? - Jeff.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57- He might be. - They're actually, they begin with H.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59They're called a hob.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01- A hob?- The female is called a...
0:04:01 > 0:04:02Jenny?
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- Not a Jenny, but it might as well be, almost.- Julia.- Jennifer.- No.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08A June. Judy.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10# Jolene, Jolene. #
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- It's not Jolene. That would be so pleasing.- Jane.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15No, it's a Jill.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18- How did we not get Jill?- A hob and a Jill. Who knows why these...?
0:04:18 > 0:04:20A hob and a Jill. That doesn't go.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23These are medieval assignations. It's extraordinary.
0:04:23 > 0:04:24It sounds like a dance.
0:04:24 > 0:04:27And what happens on, is it literally on day 365 they just explode?
0:04:30 > 0:04:31It's a leap year! Come on!
0:04:33 > 0:04:38In mid-summer they become oestrus, they're on heat.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40- The poor Jill, the poor female ferret.- Jill Ferret.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Jill Ferret, yeah, and if she hasn't had sex,
0:04:43 > 0:04:47she carries on producing oestrogen, she gets aplastic anaemia and dies.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49So she basically boils to death of heat.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Yeah, kind of.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53So what you have to do if you have a pet female ferret,
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- is either spay her... - Shag it.- Sleep with her.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59No...
0:04:59 > 0:05:03- Treat her nice. - It would be the ultimate sacrifice.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07- Find a hob for her.- Find a hob for her, you don't shag her, Katy. - And then cook her on the hob, yeah.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11Well, you can give injections. You can give injections.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13It's easier to have sex with her, really.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16It's going to take away some of the pride in the conquest
0:05:16 > 0:05:20from the male ferret, isn't it? You know, towards the end of the summer.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23The male ferret is very ferocious. They have a hooked penis.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24Do they have a bone in there?
0:05:24 > 0:05:29They don't, like a badger, that's good, though. It's a hook, really.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32And so it's up to the male then to unhook himself when he's satisfied.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35- He also bites the back of the neck of the female.- It sounds like fun.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36It sounds like Russell Brand!
0:05:38 > 0:05:40"Come 'ere, love!"
0:05:40 > 0:05:45So yeah, there's your ferret. And it comes from the Latin, "furritus", which means?
0:05:45 > 0:05:46Have sex with me or die.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51It means, actually, "little thief".
0:05:51 > 0:05:53- Oh.- They're always nicking things.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55That ferret looks very sweet there
0:05:55 > 0:05:58and doesn't look like the sort of ferret that would hook you
0:05:58 > 0:06:00with a bone in its penis.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02But that's how they get you in, isn't it?
0:06:02 > 0:06:05- Exactly.- They get you with the eyes, the soft eyes.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07- Yeah, they look so loveable. - Then comes the boomerang cock.
0:06:10 > 0:06:14Apparently, flatworms fight with their penises like swords.
0:06:14 > 0:06:19And the one that loses gets stabbed and becomes a girl.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24- That's a brilliant system. - So they do these fights, and they've both got penises, fight, fight, argh!
0:06:24 > 0:06:27It's like fencing, but when the rapier goes in, it becomes a lady
0:06:27 > 0:06:28and has to give birth.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31But that's win-win for the victorious one,
0:06:31 > 0:06:36- because they win and then they get to have a shag...- Yeah.
0:06:36 > 0:06:41..with the newly formed female. Because the loser gets hurt and then suddenly develops breasts.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44- And violated. - Feels violated and then has a baby.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46Let's not get all women's lib about this.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48Let's leave that.
0:06:48 > 0:06:52Anyway, what made Mad Jack so mad?
0:06:52 > 0:06:55Something he ate, I expect.
0:06:56 > 0:07:00- Had he been on holiday?- That's a mad Jack, that's a very familiar...
0:07:00 > 0:07:04People are always eating things, or there's stuff in paint, that makes you mad, doesn't it?
0:07:04 > 0:07:07But no, it's really, where does the phrase Mad Jack come from?
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- Why Mad Jack? - The original Mad Jack.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12They go back quite a long way. It's basically applied to anybody,
0:07:12 > 0:07:17whether they're named John or Jack or not. They're just called Mad Jack, and no-one quite knows why.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- Who was the first Mad Jack?- Very hard to trace. Very hard to trace.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24There was Mad Jack Mytton, who was a very eccentric aristocrat,
0:07:24 > 0:07:28who paid £10 to a thousand of the constituents of Shrewsbury
0:07:28 > 0:07:32for their vote, which is the equivalent of £750,000
0:07:32 > 0:07:33in today's money.
0:07:33 > 0:07:38- That was in 1819 and he was elected to be the member for Shrewsbury. - No shit!
0:07:38 > 0:07:43Sounds broadly similar to our current system.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45And also similar to our current system is,
0:07:45 > 0:07:46he found debating incredibly boring,
0:07:46 > 0:07:51he only attended one session of parliament, for 30 minutes,
0:07:51 > 0:07:54having paid £750,000 for the privilege.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57And stood down in the next year, 1820.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59- It's a hobby. - If you're an aristocrat,
0:07:59 > 0:08:00you're eccentric, aren't you?
0:08:00 > 0:08:04- But if you're poor, you're just mad and you're a loony. I know. - And you end up in an asylum.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Though he did end his days
0:08:06 > 0:08:08in a debtors' prison, he lost all his money.
0:08:08 > 0:08:14He used to...he once set fire to his night shirt to cure his hiccups.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19That would probably work, but it's not actually a shock, is it?
0:08:19 > 0:08:20No, it's not.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21If you can get someone else
0:08:21 > 0:08:24to do it when you're not expecting it, then that's a shock.
0:08:24 > 0:08:29Although it could end up in a sort of Clouseau-Cato scenario,
0:08:29 > 0:08:31where it's impossible to explain to someone
0:08:31 > 0:08:35that it's no longer necessary for them to find a moment to set fire to your pyjamas.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38If you wake up in the burns unit and go...
0:08:38 > 0:08:39- Oh! - HE HICCUPS
0:08:42 > 0:08:43Oh!
0:08:43 > 0:08:46He also liked to get up in the middle of the night
0:08:46 > 0:08:48and shoot ducks while he was naked.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51- Naked duck shooting.- SUE: Was there any reason for the nudity?
0:08:51 > 0:08:56He probably thought, "They're naked, why shouldn't I be?"
0:08:56 > 0:08:59Is it wrong to be starting to slightly fall in love with this man?
0:08:59 > 0:09:01I know what you mean.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03You might fall in love with Charles Howard,
0:09:03 > 0:09:05who was the 20th Earl of Suffolk.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09And during the war, he went into Nazi-occupied Paris
0:09:09 > 0:09:15and he rescued 10 million worth of industrial diamonds,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18and all the heavy water that the Germans had.
0:09:18 > 0:09:23But he also managed to bring back 50 nuclear scientists from Paris.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25This is all during the time the Nazis were occupying.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28So he was described by Harold Macmillan as a kind of cross
0:09:28 > 0:09:30between Francis Drake and the Scarlet Pimpernel.
0:09:30 > 0:09:31He was a very brave man.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34And he then trained himself to be able to defuse bombs
0:09:34 > 0:09:38and had his own bomb disposal unit, which was his secretary,
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Eileen, and his chauffeur, Fred.
0:09:40 > 0:09:44When you say he trained himself, that's quite hardcore.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- It is.- There's only one way to go if you get it wrong.- Yeah.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Well, he did unfortunately get it wrong, on his... I think his 35th bomb,
0:09:50 > 0:09:52aged 34, 35 or something,
0:09:52 > 0:09:54so he was, he was a good Mad Jack.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57There was Mad Jack Churchill as well, in the Second World War.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00And he was the only soldier known to have gone into battle
0:10:00 > 0:10:04in the Second World War armed with, what weapon of choice?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Teapot.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08SUE: A dessert spoon.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Sorry, cosy. Tea cosy.
0:10:10 > 0:10:12- A tea cosy!- SUE: A cheese slicer. - A bow and arrow.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16Did he know what decade or even what century he was in?
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- He was a gallant, chivalrous man. - "Marvellous stuff!"
0:10:18 > 0:10:22And also, he would have a sword on the battlefield.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25That's even stupider, isn't it? Because if you've got a bow and arrow,
0:10:25 > 0:10:28you can't use a sword at the same time.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32He thought no gentleman was dressed for battle unless they had a sword.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36And he also said that if you smile at the enemy, they're less likely to shoot you.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37And he was...
0:10:37 > 0:10:39SUE: I wonder how he died!
0:10:39 > 0:10:42No, he was taken prisoner, in fact.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44Because he was so charming.
0:10:44 > 0:10:49Who is that devastating man with the lovely smile?
0:10:49 > 0:10:50He was actually housed at Sachsenhausen,
0:10:50 > 0:10:53which was the VIP prison camp.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57The Germans thought he was related to Winston Churchill, which he wasn't.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Mad Jack Churchill.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02Anyway, Mad Jack Churchill didn't die until 1996, so he had
0:11:02 > 0:11:06a more fortunate life than Charles Howard, 20th Earl of Suffolk.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08There's a load of Jacks.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11But how did Queen Jenga arrange her harem?
0:11:11 > 0:11:15Oh, was it like that and then that and then that.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Three rows that way and then three rows...
0:11:17 > 0:11:20SIREN WAILS
0:11:20 > 0:11:21For you!
0:11:21 > 0:11:26You're being so kind. She was quite a piece of work, Queen Jenga.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Bow and arrow and sword, apparently.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29And sword, exactly.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31He didn't think of the bells, though.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- No, the bells... - That would have clinched it for him.
0:11:34 > 0:11:38- That would have been a good... - That's just to make people look up. Ding ding ding! Who is it?
0:11:38 > 0:11:43She was a 17th century member of the Royal Family of...
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Well, she killed her brother, who was called Ngola,
0:11:46 > 0:11:48after which the country Angola is named,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51supposedly her nephew as well, and ate his heart.
0:11:51 > 0:11:56And she liked men to fight each other to death and the winner
0:11:56 > 0:12:00would sleep with her for the night and then be killed in the morning.
0:12:00 > 0:12:02So she was...
0:12:02 > 0:12:04What's the incentive to then enter the competition?
0:12:04 > 0:12:08You're killed either way, so it's whether you get a shag or you're killed without one.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12But what kind of shag would you have
0:12:12 > 0:12:14when you know at the end of it, you're going to get murdered?
0:12:14 > 0:12:16I mean, that is one tense coitus.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20I think Mr Tiggy would probably be a bit shrivelly, wouldn't he?
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Yes, Mr Tiggy would.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Is that not a universal name?
0:12:29 > 0:12:30Oh, my goodness.
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Too much Mr Tiggy information.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36There must be the promise of a reprieve.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39Well, you'd think if you were really, really good.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42"If you really please me, I will not kill you with my bells."
0:12:43 > 0:12:45"Or my sword or my big bag."
0:12:47 > 0:12:48What's the bell for?
0:12:48 > 0:12:50Is that to just give somebody tinnitus
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- before they're eviscerated, or something?- Room service.
0:12:53 > 0:12:54She was not a...
0:12:54 > 0:12:56You rang?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59She was not a kindly soul, it must be said.
0:12:59 > 0:13:04Describe the best ever game of royal hide and seek.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Well, I presume the Hampton Court maze is involved.
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Well, no, actually. That's just sort of giving an example.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12Oh, no.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13Up the tree. The Royal Oak.
0:13:13 > 0:13:16That's certainly, that was pretty good. That was, I mean, he hid.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19The princes in the Tower, and they hid so well
0:13:19 > 0:13:21that it was hundreds of years and then they were skeletons?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24Is it any game of hide and seek
0:13:24 > 0:13:27in which you never find Prince Edward again?
0:13:27 > 0:13:29No. Remember, we're in the world of Js.
0:13:29 > 0:13:33Now, the Civil War, Charles I.
0:13:33 > 0:13:34John.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- No, Charles I had two sons. - There's a J in it.
0:13:36 > 0:13:37Charles, who became Charles II.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- And James...- Who became? - James I.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41- No.- James II.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43It makes sense, because The Second was their surname
0:13:43 > 0:13:45and they were brothers.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47SUE: That's what, yeah.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49KATY: They're like the boys from the band Blue.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- There's Duncan from Blue, and there's Simon from Blue.- Yeah.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54They're all related as well, aren't they?
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Well, James was imprisoned at St James's Palace.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Named not after him, but the saint, of course.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02Oh, what an ordeal(!)
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Yeah, I know. He used to play hide and seek and he was so good at it
0:14:05 > 0:14:08that the servants would spend hours looking for him and...
0:14:08 > 0:14:11Oh, they wouldn't look for him at all.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13He'd be hiding and they'd go and have lunch.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17"Another game of hide and seek?" "Yes."
0:14:17 > 0:14:19"Oh, we couldn't find you, sir."
0:14:19 > 0:14:20It was all part of his plan,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23because one day he managed to get hold of the gardener's key,
0:14:23 > 0:14:26and while playing hide and seek he actually escaped from the Palace
0:14:26 > 0:14:30and met up with a Colonel Blumpstead, or some similar name,
0:14:30 > 0:14:34who was a royalist, as you would be if you were call Blumpstead.
0:14:34 > 0:14:37"Oh, Blumpstead, Blumpstead!"
0:14:37 > 0:14:41And he escaped to Holland, where he lived a happy life.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43It was actually Bampfield, not Blumpstead.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45But still, "Bampfield" is clearly a royalist.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47So are you saying the hide and seek prowess was sort of all
0:14:47 > 0:14:50part of the strategy, or that was just a happy...?
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- Yeah, preparing for an escape. - Oh, I see.- At the age of 12.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55It's like the Shawshank Redemption.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Yeah, except he was 12, which is impressive.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- He was 12?!- He was 12, so it's quite impressive.
0:14:59 > 0:15:00- He was only 12.- Brilliant.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03How does he come into contact with Major Bampfield?
0:15:03 > 0:15:06I guess secret messages were passed in some way...
0:15:06 > 0:15:08I'd dread to think, now I know he's 12.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11You've got to be careful as a boy, running away with a random colonel.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- To Amsterdam.- Especially...
0:15:13 > 0:15:16You can't be sure. I mean, he might be a royalist, or...
0:15:16 > 0:15:19Especially to Amsterdam, yes, quite. No, you're right.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22"Come with me, it's going to be such fun."
0:15:22 > 0:15:25"No, really, I am seriously a colonel."
0:15:28 > 0:15:31So, while on the subject of King James's,
0:15:31 > 0:15:36imagine that Jamie Oliver was to be crowned the next king of England.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- It's sort of... - Not inconceivable.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Not inconceivable in the strange world in which we live.
0:15:41 > 0:15:42President Oliver.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44What number James would he be?
0:15:44 > 0:15:47What would be his regnal number, as the official says it?
0:15:47 > 0:15:49Well, it would be different in England from Scotland.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51No, there's just one UK, so it would be the same in both,
0:15:51 > 0:15:53but what would it be?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55I'm desperate to say James III.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58SIREN WAILS Yes!
0:15:59 > 0:16:01No.
0:16:01 > 0:16:04No, because what happened was, when Elizabeth was crowned,
0:16:04 > 0:16:0860 years ago, she was of course called Queen Elizabeth II.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11But in Scotland, there was a bit of an outcry.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14Because she wasn't the second Queen Elizabeth in Scotland,
0:16:14 > 0:16:16she was the first.
0:16:16 > 0:16:17They had Mary Queen of Scots,
0:16:17 > 0:16:20when Elizabeth I was on the throne.
0:16:20 > 0:16:25So a few early E II R pillar boxes were trashed in Scotland
0:16:25 > 0:16:26and there was a big fuss.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29And Winston Churchill, who was Prime Minister in 1953,
0:16:29 > 0:16:31he sort of decided that there...
0:16:31 > 0:16:33This is 350 years later!
0:16:33 > 0:16:36I know, people have long memories on these things.
0:16:36 > 0:16:41So Churchill essentially laid down a convention whereby UK monarchs
0:16:41 > 0:16:44would be numbered uniformly according to either an English
0:16:44 > 0:16:47or Scottish reckoning, whichever was higher.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50So James I of England was James the..?
0:16:50 > 0:16:52Sixth.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56..VI of Scotland. So James II was James VII,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59so if there were another James, he would be called James VIII.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02That would be the procedure.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Princess Anne looks a lot like my daughter in that picture, quite disturbingly.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Gosh! She's very young there, isn't she?
0:17:08 > 0:17:11I feel sorry for all the other finalists to be Queen.
0:17:11 > 0:17:15APPLAUSE
0:17:21 > 0:17:24There is also unresolved controversy over the naming of the QEII.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Do you know what this might be?
0:17:27 > 0:17:28Well, I've always wondered,
0:17:28 > 0:17:33I was never sure whether the QEII was named after Queen Elizabeth II,
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- or was the second ship called Queen Elizabeth?- Yes.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37Because there's a Queen Mary II.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40Exactly. The second vessel of the Cunard line to be called Queen Mary.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43And opinion is divided, but a lot of people think it was literally
0:17:43 > 0:17:46just the second ship to be called Queen Elizabeth.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48But the Queen herself, when launching it, saying,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50"I name this ship Queen Elizabeth II"
0:17:50 > 0:17:53so Cunard had to rename it, basically, because she had done it.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Anyway, who's this? What are they doing?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58"I thought it would be ten times as exciting
0:17:58 > 0:18:02"as a swing boat at the fair, but it wasn't.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04"There was no sensation, just a lot of noise and wind.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07"My hair was blown into a tangled mess
0:18:07 > 0:18:09"which couldn't be combed out for days."
0:18:09 > 0:18:12The inventor of the hairdryer.
0:18:14 > 0:18:17Is it Brian May on the latest Thorpe Park ride?
0:18:18 > 0:18:22Well, we're with a transport experience and this person
0:18:22 > 0:18:24was famous for their achievement in it, but the first time
0:18:24 > 0:18:27they tried it, they found it horrible, noisy, windy.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28Amy Johnson?
0:18:28 > 0:18:31Amy Johnson is the right answer! Very good.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32It's a J, it's a J.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35There she is.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36APPLAUSE
0:18:36 > 0:18:38That's the J. And what was her great feat?
0:18:38 > 0:18:40- Flew the Atlantic.- Yeah.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42- No, that was Alcock and Brown. - Flew across America.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- No, she flew from... - Flew to the moon.
0:18:45 > 0:18:46She flew from Britain to Australia.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- To Australia? - Yeah. Heck of a flight.
0:18:48 > 0:18:49Did she ever come back?
0:18:49 > 0:18:53Yes, she certainly did, and when she came back she landed at what
0:18:53 > 0:18:56was then the sort of London Airport, which was Croydon Airport,
0:18:56 > 0:18:59and there were 200,000 people there to meet her.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00You're kidding?
0:19:00 > 0:19:01No, it was a sensation of the age.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Was there a car boot sale going on as well?
0:19:04 > 0:19:08No. There was... She had a 12 mile parade through London.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11So she was describing when she first got into an aeroplane,
0:19:11 > 0:19:12and first flew?
0:19:12 > 0:19:14She absolutely hated it.
0:19:14 > 0:19:16But she stuck with it and became obviously incredibly good at it.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19So yes, now then, talking of flight,
0:19:19 > 0:19:21I want you all to do a jolly jape now,
0:19:21 > 0:19:23which is make a dart, a paper dart,
0:19:23 > 0:19:27and see the person who can throw it the furthest wins.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Talk amongst yourselves.
0:19:28 > 0:19:32There are various kinds you can do, just try the type you did at school.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Oh, I've totally forgotten now to do this.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38And obviously take your time, as quickly as you can.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Thing is, I'm going to make one in the way we used to make them
0:19:40 > 0:19:43at school, knowing full well that they didn't fly very well.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Well, some people were good at it and some people weren't.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48Interesting to see how well you're doing.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50Precision engineering.
0:19:51 > 0:19:52- Oops, I've made a hat.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57I'm going to put little flaps on mine, is that all right, and a tail.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59I've just had that idea!
0:20:00 > 0:20:04You seem to be ready, who's ready? David, have a go.
0:20:04 > 0:20:06As far as you can go.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10APPLAUSE
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Not bad.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Should you throw or should you cast like a bowler?
0:20:15 > 0:20:17- Ah. Well, it's up to you. - Look at that.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20Yours looks great, I have to say.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25APPLAUSE
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- It went up because of the flaps. - Yeah. Your flaps.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31- Corrugated roof tiles. - Flaps gave it lift.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Watch out in the back row, this is going to be lethal.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37It's one of those Stealth ones, you won't be able to see it,
0:20:37 > 0:20:39you won't be able to measure it.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41You can buy that from Wickes, "It's got our name on it."
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Oh!
0:20:43 > 0:20:46APPLAUSE
0:20:49 > 0:20:50A suicide plane.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Impossible. It defies all laws of physics.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55I thought it was acrobatics.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Sue, your chance for glory.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58I don't think it's going to happen.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02APPLAUSE
0:21:05 > 0:21:07Well, despite the brilliance of Amy Johnson...
0:21:07 > 0:21:10But would you be surprised to know that the paper aeroplane
0:21:10 > 0:21:12that goes the furthest looks like this?
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- Stop it! - Yeah, that's a bracelet.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17I know, it seems hardly credible.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19What do you do? You just scrunch it up and chuck it.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23I'm unfortunately not very good at throwing it.
0:21:23 > 0:21:27I've practised a bit, but the world record is 200 yards.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29- No way! - I'm not kidding you.
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Straight down.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32You're supposed to twist it and that's why I'm not good at it,
0:21:32 > 0:21:36I've never thrown an American football - that's what you do it in the style of.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37ALL: Whoa!
0:21:37 > 0:21:39There you go!
0:21:39 > 0:21:41APPLAUSE That's amazing!
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Pretty good, isn't it?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46And that's...
0:21:46 > 0:21:49So why aren't all aeroplanes designed like that?
0:21:49 > 0:21:52It was invented by a man called Mark Forti, whose father worked for NASA.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Oh, what a cheat.
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Yes, it's a short plastic cylinder,
0:21:56 > 0:21:59slightly weighted on the leading edge and that's as simple as that.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01So you use sticky-back plastic,
0:22:01 > 0:22:04which some purists would say doesn't make it a proper aeroplane,
0:22:04 > 0:22:06because it has to be slightly heavier in the front.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10You would not imagine that was so aerodynamic a shape as a dart,
0:22:10 > 0:22:13which just to our eyes looks right, doesn't it.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15Is that the future of aeroplanes?
0:22:15 > 0:22:16Darts, the future of darts.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I thought you said "ducks".
0:22:18 > 0:22:22They're going to evolve into kind of cylindrical, little beaks at the top.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25Yeah, birds everywhere are watching this programme going,
0:22:25 > 0:22:28"What have we been doing all these..."
0:22:28 > 0:22:30"All this. We should have just done that!"
0:22:32 > 0:22:36"And just jumped. What have we been doing?!"
0:22:37 > 0:22:40But we were saying earlier about Amy Johnson,
0:22:40 > 0:22:44almost gave up flying because it made such a mess of her hair.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47Can you remember who wrote the first dictionary in English?
0:22:47 > 0:22:49- Oh, yes. Johnson. - Samuel Johnson.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50Samuel Johnson!
0:22:50 > 0:22:53SIREN WAILS
0:22:53 > 0:22:54No, it wasn't Samuel Johnson.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56I led you down the garden path and spanked you.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58- Baldrick.- Baldrick!
0:22:59 > 0:23:00"B."
0:23:00 > 0:23:02Probably a B, yes.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06"We're going to have to write the whole dictionary tonight!"
0:23:06 > 0:23:07Yes.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Dr Johnson's dictionary, written in the earlier part
0:23:09 > 0:23:11of the 18th century, was preceded by, well there was...
0:23:11 > 0:23:14- Famously the first one. - Weren't there lots?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17There was a Richard Mulcaster in the 16th century,
0:23:17 > 0:23:19who came up with the name football, in fact.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23And indeed, invented refereeing and the idea of football teams,
0:23:23 > 0:23:26but he wrote Elementary in 1582, which was the first to gather
0:23:26 > 0:23:29"all the words which we use in our English tung, out of all
0:23:29 > 0:23:32professions, as well learned as not, into one dictionarie."
0:23:32 > 0:23:34But he didn't give definitions.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37He just listed all the words that he thought there existed.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42But Robert Cawdrey's Table Alphabeticall, of 1604,
0:23:42 > 0:23:45not only listed words, but gave definitions, so it was
0:23:45 > 0:23:48perhaps the first true dictionary, in the sense that we know it.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51It listed around 3,000 hard words, as he called them,
0:23:51 > 0:23:53defining each one.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55So then Johnson's dictionary had how many entries?
0:23:55 > 0:23:59At around the time there about 275,000 or 300,000 words.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01- How many did he list?- 42.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Oh, you were so close. 42,000.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Thousand.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08That was really close. 42,773.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11But we've got some Johnson words that have gone out of use.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Maybe you can imagine what they mean.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15Tonguepad.
0:24:15 > 0:24:16Mouth-friend.
0:24:16 > 0:24:21Mouth-friend. Don't we all need a mouth-friend?
0:24:22 > 0:24:25Sometimes we certainly do need a tonguepad and a mouth-friend.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28Sometimes I like a frigorifick.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29- I hear you, girl.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Frigorifick.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33Yeah. We've all been frigorifick in our time.
0:24:33 > 0:24:34A depucelate is...
0:24:34 > 0:24:36That's a coffee.
0:24:36 > 0:24:37I think it's single shot, isn't it?
0:24:37 > 0:24:40You can get those in, yeah, Starbucks.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42It's not "depu-kela-tay," it's depucelate.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44That's what you do before a big date, isn't it?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48- Yes. If you're meeting a mouth-friend.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52You get a bit tonguepad. Slip of the old shapesmith.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56Is a shapesmith just a rubbish blacksmith?
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- No, a shapesmith is basically what we...- "I've done a thing."
0:24:59 > 0:25:00There you are.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05You did a shapesmith.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07It sort of looks like a doorknob, though.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09It's not a horseshoe,
0:25:09 > 0:25:11but it's sort of horse jewellery in some way.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Like a horse clog.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14A horse nipple clamp.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16- They founded Camden Market and sold all that crap.- Yes.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19No, a shapesmith is actually what we would call a personal trainer.
0:25:19 > 0:25:22It's someone who gets you into shape.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- It's a shapesmith.- Time for that word to come back.- Exactly.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26"I'm going to see my shapesmith."
0:25:26 > 0:25:28My shapesmith, yeah.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Personal trainer, hate that.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32A tonguepad is just a talker, someone who natters all the time.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35- A mouth-friend is... - Gossip?
0:25:35 > 0:25:37No, someone who is a friend to your face,
0:25:37 > 0:25:41- but is duplicitous behind your back. - Oh, God, I know a few of those.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Yeah, a few mouth-friends, pretends to be your friend.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46To depucelate, is to deflower, to bereave of virginity.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48It's not a bereavement!
0:25:48 > 0:25:52Let's not see it as that.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55Frigorifick sounds like something Del Boy might say, but what is frig...?
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Actually, I suppose...
0:25:57 > 0:26:01It's probably rather badly spelt. We should pronounce - yes, cold -
0:26:01 > 0:26:03we should pronounce it "frijorifick", probably.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05It just means causing cold,
0:26:05 > 0:26:07something that's frigorifick causes cold.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Some of his definitions were just a little bit lazy.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13"Sock. Something put between the foot and the shoe."
0:26:15 > 0:26:17He must have thought, though,
0:26:17 > 0:26:19because you know, previous diction...
0:26:19 > 0:26:22the one before you were saying had been just of hard words.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24He must have thought, "Everyone knows what a sock is!"
0:26:24 > 0:26:26If you've got this book
0:26:26 > 0:26:29and you don't know what a sock is, then I can't help you.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34Exactly. Oats was a famous one.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37He said horrible things about the Scots in his one on oats, didn't he?
0:26:37 > 0:26:40He did. He said "a grain which in England
0:26:40 > 0:26:44"is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people."
0:26:47 > 0:26:48He describes "to worm",
0:26:48 > 0:26:51"to deprive a dog of something, nobody knows what, under his tongue,
0:26:51 > 0:26:54"which is said to prevent him, nobody knows why, from running mad."
0:26:56 > 0:26:58- It's just a very strange... - Wasn't a scientist then.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00No, I think probably not.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02He was one of our greatest men of letters.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05Well, we've come to the amen, because it's time for the scores.
0:27:05 > 0:27:10It's all we've got time for. Let's see who's hit the jackpot.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13HE INHALES DEEPLY
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Well...
0:27:15 > 0:27:17He's died!
0:27:18 > 0:27:23I'm afraid it's Sue who's died in last place, with minus 12.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27APPLAUSE
0:27:28 > 0:27:32And really, it's a massive step up for Alan,
0:27:32 > 0:27:35on our third place, with minus seven.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38APPLAUSE
0:27:38 > 0:27:39Robbed.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42And having been depucelated, QI-wise,
0:27:42 > 0:27:46it's pretty impressive to break your virginity with minus three, Katy.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49APPLAUSE
0:27:53 > 0:27:56But our mouth-friend of the week, clear winner on plus five,
0:27:56 > 0:27:58is David Mitchell.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01APPLAUSE
0:28:05 > 0:28:09So, this is where we jack it all in and say that's all
0:28:09 > 0:28:11from Sue, David, Katy, Alan and me.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14Be excessively nice to each other. Good night.
0:28:36 > 0:28:39Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd