0:00:26 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:34Go-oo-oo-ood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:34 > 0:00:37good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:37 > 0:00:40good evening and welcome to QI, for a show all about joints.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44And joining me are the shapely ankles of Cal Wilson.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:51The sharp elbows of Jack Whitehall.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:57The cold shoulders of Jimmy Carr.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:04And hip, hip, hooray, it's Alan Davies.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07APPLAUSE
0:01:11 > 0:01:14But before we begin, let's hear your buzzers. And Jack goes...
0:01:14 > 0:01:17# The finger bone connected to the hand bone. #
0:01:17 > 0:01:18And Jimmy goes...
0:01:18 > 0:01:21# The hand bone connected to the wrist bone. #
0:01:22 > 0:01:24And Cal goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:27# The wrist bone connected to the arm bone. #
0:01:27 > 0:01:28And Alan goes...
0:01:28 > 0:01:31# The minute you walked in the joint. #
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Oh, and then you walked in the joint.
0:01:33 > 0:01:34Joint, J for Joint.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37J for Joint, very good. Excellent. All right.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Well, now, Alan, we're going to make your life a little easier,
0:01:39 > 0:01:41we're going to lower the lights here.
0:01:41 > 0:01:42- I can go home?- Yeah...
0:01:42 > 0:01:46SLOW MUSIC PLAYS
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Right. Now, Alan...
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Oh, this is unfair. Alan gets a girl. I've got Jack!
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Jack's a girl.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57Steady, steady.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00I'm going to ask Alan a very specific question now.
0:02:00 > 0:02:04Can you feel your sphincter relaxing?
0:02:04 > 0:02:09LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:14 > 0:02:15It's a perfectly innocent question.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18I must say, I thought it was until you asked me.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27Well, what you might have said is, "Which sphincter?"
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Oh, of course. Oh.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33Because you may not know this, but you have many sphincters.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Oh, I know a thing or two about sphincters.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Tell me about sphincters.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40I once had... This may not be an appropriate story.
0:02:41 > 0:02:42I certainly hope not.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44I once had a bladder complaint, this is not STI, it was just,
0:02:44 > 0:02:47I was getting up in the middle of the night to pee.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49Why are you looking at me when you say that?
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Because I thought you would understand.
0:02:52 > 0:02:56If you go to the doctor, sometimes they say, "We're going to put a camera in and explore,"
0:02:56 > 0:02:59and it was in my bladder, there was a bit of an issue.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02So they decided to get a camera and just pop it in my bladder.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05And obviously the easiest way to get in is to, is to...
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Is through the schlong.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07Is through the schlong.
0:03:07 > 0:03:08And I thought,
0:03:08 > 0:03:11I imagined the camera would be like the width of a human hair.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12It was like a pen.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Ow!
0:03:14 > 0:03:18- And they fed it in, and it was about ten years ago I had this... - What..?
0:03:31 > 0:03:34And it was about ten years ago,
0:03:34 > 0:03:36and it was a lovely nurse that was doing the procedure,
0:03:36 > 0:03:39and as she fed it, she went, "What do you do for a living?"
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Trying to start a conversation at this awkward moment.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43"What do you do for a living?" I went, "I'm a comedian."
0:03:43 > 0:03:45And she went, "Tell us a joke."
0:03:45 > 0:03:47And it is a matter of professional pride that I did.
0:03:47 > 0:03:48Oh, well done.
0:03:48 > 0:03:52They offer you the DVD, though, at the end, if they've put a camera in you, you get the DVD.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- They do.- But for what eventuality? My dad got one...
0:03:55 > 0:03:56YouTube.
0:03:56 > 0:04:00..of the inside of his things, but, like, when is that appropriate? At Christmas?
0:04:00 > 0:04:02"Oh, let's not watch the Great Escape this year,
0:04:02 > 0:04:04"let's watch your dad's stomach."
0:04:04 > 0:04:06The Great Escape is when they pull it out.
0:04:06 > 0:04:08Ow!
0:04:08 > 0:04:12But then, the reason I mentioned that is because there are two sphincters on the way in.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15And the painful bit is when go, "We're just going to go through the sphincter,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17"you might feel a little tightening."
0:04:17 > 0:04:19"You might feel a little something." It's got a camera in it.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23I love the way it looks like you're playing snooker or something.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Just going to hit the camera into the...
0:04:25 > 0:04:30The point is, a sphincter is a ring of muscle that can contract
0:04:30 > 0:04:34and expand, and we'd lowered the lights so that your eye sphincters,
0:04:34 > 0:04:37your optic sphincters will have dilated your eyes, Alan.
0:04:37 > 0:04:40So your sphincters will have relaxed, we hope.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43All of my sphincters are clenched.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46There's no photographing my innards this evening.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49They can expand or contract, excite and delight.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53We have an endoscope here that you may... No, we don't, don't worry, it's all right. No, it's fine.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55You really were worried.
0:04:55 > 0:05:00So, do you think we've sucked enough nutrient out of sphincter for us to move on?
0:05:00 > 0:05:03I did have a similar experience to Jimmy's in New Zealand.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07I was going for a lady's examination, and so lying there with
0:05:07 > 0:05:11this doctor doing the examination and she's just tinkering away.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14And then she goes, "Haven't I seen you on Thank God You're Here?"
0:05:14 > 0:05:16Which is a TV show back home.
0:05:16 > 0:05:21And I went, "Yes, but why are you recognising me now?"
0:05:21 > 0:05:24I went to get something looked at, which was a sort of rash
0:05:24 > 0:05:26near the top of my leg, so it was a slight worry.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30It turns out it was nothing, but I didn't know that at the time,
0:05:30 > 0:05:33and I went to have it examined and he did the thing where he recognised me,
0:05:33 > 0:05:34but thought I was George Lamb.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36He said, "Oh, you're that guy, George Lamb."
0:05:36 > 0:05:38And I was about to correct him, but I thought,
0:05:38 > 0:05:40"If that is an STI, I'd rather him thinking
0:05:40 > 0:05:43"that George Lamb had it than I did."
0:05:46 > 0:05:49Anyway, so, you've got, the other thing is,
0:05:49 > 0:05:53you even have within your capillary system, your blood system, each has
0:05:53 > 0:05:56a little sphincter, so the chances are we probably have thousands.
0:05:56 > 0:05:59Nobody quite knows how many sphincters we have.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01We have thousands and thousands of them.
0:06:01 > 0:06:06All right, now. Let's play Stick The Knees On The Elephants.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08You should have cards with elephants on,
0:06:08 > 0:06:10and you should have little red dots,
0:06:10 > 0:06:14and all you have to do is stick your red dot on the knees of the elephant. It's as simple as that.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17It's a little fun art/craft thing that you can do.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19I feel a little bit like we're in, we've under-performed
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- and we've been taken to a special class.- More or less right.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24Where it's mainly arts and crafts and colouring-in
0:06:24 > 0:06:27and you know what, you can't fail, we've all done very well.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28That's right, exactly.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30I'm just doing polka dots.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Very sweet, but try and do it on the knees of the elephant if you can.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36I think elephants have got a lot of knees.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38That's my, that's my, because otherwise,
0:06:38 > 0:06:41why would you have given us this many dots?
0:06:41 > 0:06:44It is a lot of dots. You don't have to use all the dots, I may say.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47This elephant's actually got the same thing that Jack used to have
0:06:47 > 0:06:50at the top of his thigh.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Turns out it was nothing, but it was a real worry.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55Yes.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57- I've marked his sphincter on there as well.- So have I!
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- Well done.- Oh, snap.
0:06:59 > 0:07:00We've got matching sphincters.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02All right, so if you'd like to present and show?
0:07:02 > 0:07:06Sorry. Sphincter, eyes, because it's nice to get to know them.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09And four knees.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12Can you tilt the cards forward so they're not too shiny?
0:07:12 > 0:07:13They reflect on the camera.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16OK. I've gone, I've gone four knees on each.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Are you tilting it forward as asked? You're not, are you?
0:07:20 > 0:07:23I can't get taken down to a lower class than this, can I?
0:07:23 > 0:07:24I'm already doing arts and crafts.
0:07:24 > 0:07:25Dear, oh dear, oh dear.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27These are knees.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Well, I mean...
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I've gone knees on the front, none on the back.
0:07:31 > 0:07:35Everyone except Alan has at least managed to put dots on the knees,
0:07:35 > 0:07:39which are at the back of the elephant, because the front two joints are elbows.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Oh.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42All mammals essentially...
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Whoa, whoa, you're going to have to back up there a little bit.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48He's got elbows on his leg...?
0:07:48 > 0:07:51On his front legs, yes. His front legs are essentially arms.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I mean, the bones in his front leg are the radius and the ulna,
0:07:54 > 0:07:56just like ours.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59They're essentially walking on their hands and on their hind legs.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01And we may think of elephants with four knees,
0:08:01 > 0:08:03they don't, they only have the two knees at the back.
0:08:03 > 0:08:08The two front ones are elbows. It seems unlikely, but it's true.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10That means my interesting fact that the elephant
0:08:10 > 0:08:14- is the only animal in the world that has four knees is complete rubbish. - Exactly.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16It's a common fact on the internet and it's a lie.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19- Wow.- And any zoologist will tell you so.
0:08:19 > 0:08:23So, I'm afraid it's minus ten to everybody except Alan. There you go.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25That's very good. So, well done, Alan.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27In fact, you got it right, didn't you, in the end?
0:08:27 > 0:08:30No I didn't, I put two knees, I thought it only had two knees...
0:08:30 > 0:08:31Which it does.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33But I put them on the front, where the elbows are.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35Oh, you put them, oh, did you?
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Oh, OK, well yes, you get the minus ten, sorry about that.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- By the way, how does an elephant drink?- With its trunk.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Oh, Alanny-wanny-woo.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45SIREN
0:08:45 > 0:08:49There's a sense in which, prepositionally, you were correct, because it does drink with...
0:08:49 > 0:08:51I don't understand that.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53You said with its trunk, you didn't say through its trunk.
0:08:53 > 0:08:55It doesn't drink through its trunk,
0:08:55 > 0:08:58- but in a sense it does drink with its trunk.- It scoops it into its mouth.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01Because it sucks it up and then blows it back into its mouth.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04So they don't suck it up or they'd drown, it's their nose,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07like if we drank through our nose, we would be in real trouble.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10- You can do Tequila shots through your nose, can't you? - Oh, yes, you can.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14- You can, yeah. I mean it's not, it's not a way to hydrate.- No.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17You know how sometimes if you were violently ill and you're sick
0:09:17 > 0:09:20and it comes out of your mouth and your nose,
0:09:20 > 0:09:21could an elephant vomit out of its trunk?
0:09:21 > 0:09:23I wouldn't be surprised if it could.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26And I don't know if anybody's been cruel enough to experiment on making
0:09:26 > 0:09:30an elephant dependent on cocaine, because that would be, that would be
0:09:30 > 0:09:33a pretty extraordinarily expensive habit, wouldn't it, really.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36I view that as the highest calling of the stand-up comedian.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38If you're doing a concert and you can time a joke
0:09:38 > 0:09:41so that someone's taking a sip and it comes out of their nose.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43Yeah, that is, isn't it.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45It's the best thing when they've ruined their evening.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46Ah! Covered in snot and booze.
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Imagine if you made an elephant laugh so much
0:09:48 > 0:09:50something came out of its trunk.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53The front of house staff at the Savoy Theatre, many years ago,
0:09:53 > 0:09:56when Noises Off, the Michael Frayn thing, told me that every
0:09:56 > 0:09:59single day there were wet seats, people wet themselves laughing.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01- Isn't that because elderly people go to the cinema?- No.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03I mean the theatre.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06I did a gig in Reading, Reading Festival, and I was doing so well
0:10:06 > 0:10:09on stage actually someone in the audience wet himself,
0:10:09 > 0:10:12straight into a bottle and then threw it at me.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15That's how good I was doing. I was that funny.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Does that really happen?
0:10:17 > 0:10:18Hit me straight on the head.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Does that really happen?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22I mean, Monsters of Rock at Donington, they do that, don't they?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Well, they throw stuff up onto the stage.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26Yeah, full of urine. It didn't break though?
0:10:26 > 0:10:28Well it's like when Bono was meant to play at Glastonbury
0:10:28 > 0:10:31and then he pulled out, and I was so, I'd been literally saving up months
0:10:31 > 0:10:35worth of piss to throw at him and I had to wait for the entire year.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38- You poor thing!- Had about that much, like a vat.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41A water cannon.
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Poor Bono, he does come in for it, doesn't he? Bless him. Anyway.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46He did his back in, that's why he couldn't do it though,
0:10:46 > 0:10:49which is fair enough, because I imagine my back would be pretty sore
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- if I'd spent the last 20 years with my head up my own arse.- Whoa!
0:10:52 > 0:10:54APPLAUSE
0:10:58 > 0:11:01Oh, wow. Wowzeroony.
0:11:01 > 0:11:06So, yes. Yes, your skeleton is just like Jumbo's, but apart from that,
0:11:06 > 0:11:10what else do we have in common with elephants, uniquely with elephants?
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- Tusks. Tusks.- We don't really have tusks though, to be honest.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15- We do, big tusks.- Walruses and others animals do.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Oh, I'm thinking of walruses, sorry.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20Is it after a certain age you get the horrible whiskers under your chin?
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Oh, now, you just said, what's the last word you said?
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Chin.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26That's it, it's as simple as that.
0:11:26 > 0:11:31Very oddly, the only mammals that have chins are humans and elephants.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34You may say, hang on, dogs have chins, no they don't.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35- Wow.- They don't have chins.
0:11:35 > 0:11:38Look at that real chin bone, chin bone on the right,
0:11:38 > 0:11:42the right, the elephant, the left, the human. But no, obviously there's a big difference,
0:11:42 > 0:11:44but they both have chins.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46The elephant one, the actual face structure
0:11:46 > 0:11:50looks a bit like one of those women on Made In Chelsea. It does!
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Because they do, all those women on Made In Chelsea look like
0:11:53 > 0:11:55a horse that's swallowed an anvil and it's just sitting there.
0:11:55 > 0:11:58I was watching it on 3D TV the other day, and one of them started talking
0:11:58 > 0:12:01about her gap year and I was nearly knocked off my sofa.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07That PG Wodehouse thing about the sort of goofy upper class person
0:12:07 > 0:12:09who looked as if he'd swallowed a laundry basket.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11You know, that sort of thick neck, and huge Adams apple.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13And a constant look on their face
0:12:13 > 0:12:16like they've just forgotten their own name, like...
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Absolutely right.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23And the weird thing is, nobody quite knows why we have chins, as it were.
0:12:23 > 0:12:27We know that they're extremely useful for various things,
0:12:27 > 0:12:29speech and so on, but do we have a chin because we can speak,
0:12:29 > 0:12:31or do we speak because we have a chin?
0:12:31 > 0:12:32No-one knows why we've got a chin?
0:12:32 > 0:12:34To grow beards on it.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37There are things we can do with it. I agree, we can stroke it.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39I am currently peacocking, which is what I'm doing with this.
0:12:39 > 0:12:40Are you?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Yeah, that's, this beard is peacocking. That's what I'm doing.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47In as much as it's an attractive display to attract women?
0:12:47 > 0:12:48To impress, yes, for ladies.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51So the ladies in here are currently impressed by this.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54I am peacocking with my beard. I know they may not be showing it.
0:12:54 > 0:12:56Try and peacock less camply, if you're pursuing ladies.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58OK.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00It's just a suggestion, if it's the ladies you want to attract.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02"Yeah. Oi, babes, check this out."
0:13:02 > 0:13:03That's better, there you go.
0:13:03 > 0:13:05"I call it the clunge sponge!"
0:13:05 > 0:13:06Whoa!
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- Too far?- Maybe. Maybe.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10- Split the difference. - Split the difference.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12OK.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Oh, dear!
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Anyway, there we are. So, what next?
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Oh, let's have another
0:13:18 > 0:13:20pin the something on the something round, shall we?
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Because we enjoyed that last time enormously, didn't we?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26So let's pin the knee on the bird.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Stick a little sticker on the bird's knee. That's all you have to do.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32Well, it's never going to be where I think it's going to be.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33In the knee bit.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Oh.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37Or it could be a double bluff.
0:13:37 > 0:13:38Oh, not a double bluff.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Well, I'm going to put in an early pitch for there.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- I'm going to say it's got a knee in its neck.- Right.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49And that's how it bends its neck, and it's a little quirk of nature.
0:13:49 > 0:13:50Oh, and Jack's put one on his...
0:13:50 > 0:13:53- You're not putting it on the knee, where the knee is!- But he bites it.
0:13:53 > 0:13:57No, because the bendy bit would be... oh, no. That could be a little camp arm.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01But the wings are going to be the arms this time, aren't they?
0:14:01 > 0:14:04The wings are the arms, aren't they? The wings are the arms.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05The wings are the arms.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- The legs have got the knees in. - The legs have got the knees in, definitely.
0:14:08 > 0:14:13- Where they bend in the middle. - STEPHEN SPEAKS GOBBLEDYGOOK
0:14:13 > 0:14:15I'm going knees, I'm going in.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17Going in, he's going in, ladies and gentlemen.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18I'm feeling a double bluff.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21You're covering the animal with red dots, Cal.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23No, I've just given it a perm.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27You're giving it a cock's comb.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29There we are, so you've.. Ah, dear. I'm afraid, Alan,
0:14:29 > 0:14:31you've fallen into our little trap.
0:14:31 > 0:14:32No shit.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Those are not the knees.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38People think birds' knees goes backwards, those are ankles.
0:14:38 > 0:14:39Ah, you see.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42I thought there was going to be something like that.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Here, maybe?
0:14:44 > 0:14:46There. Now, Jack, points for Jack.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50You lose one for the bottom one, which is the... Forget that one, in fact.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52Is this an unusual flamingo,
0:14:52 > 0:14:54in that it's got a duck coming out of its arse?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02It's pretty hard to deny.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Where are the duck's knees, for goodness sake?
0:15:05 > 0:15:08Ask the flamingo.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Yeah. Well, there are the knees, at the top.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12They're usually covered in feather. And the bottom bit is the ankle.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14I know it seems strange.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17So there's a chance, if you kicked a flamingo in the knees
0:15:17 > 0:15:19and the balls at the same time, that's some pain, isn't it?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- Whoa, yes.- Because they must be in the same sort of area.
0:15:21 > 0:15:26Yes. They don't really have testicles though, do they?
0:15:26 > 0:15:29I mean, they have little sexual parts.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32Well, so as do I.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36It would be quite an unnerving sight,
0:15:36 > 0:15:37as flocks of flamingos flew overhead,
0:15:37 > 0:15:39if they did have dangling testicles.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Yeah, boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43It would be very worrying.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45- So, have I got a point?- I think so, Jack, yeah. Yeah.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48There's an apple for you.
0:15:48 > 0:15:53Oh! Oh, I can't tell you how much that works.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55That always works with me. Thank you.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- There's more where that's from. - Bless you. Apple for me.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02Starts with an apple, next thing you know, you're in some sort of therapy. Be careful.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06Behave. What did Glaswegian women lose on their wedding night?
0:16:06 > 0:16:07A fight.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08A fight!
0:16:08 > 0:16:10A fight with a Glaswegian man.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12A long battle against alcoholism?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16It's, I mean not necessarily Glaswegian, but I mean...
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Oh, their chips.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21In the past, it was a very traditional thing on your wedding,
0:16:21 > 0:16:25to lose, almost as a dowry, and the men would be given it
0:16:25 > 0:16:28as a 21st birthday present, it would be the loss of their..?
0:16:28 > 0:16:29Teeth.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Teeth is the right answer.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33Have them all out in one go, have a few days of eating milk
0:16:33 > 0:16:35and bread and then have dentures put in.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39It was considered a good thing. It would save you all dentistry bills for the rest of your life.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- My mother was offered this. - Was she?
0:16:41 > 0:16:44My mother got offered this when she was a young woman,
0:16:44 > 0:16:46I think she was about 18, she was nursing in Limerick, I think,
0:16:46 > 0:16:49and she went in to see her dentist about like a back tooth,
0:16:49 > 0:16:51and he tried to convince her to have all her teeth taken out.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54He just went, "Well, you've got, I mean you've got quite
0:16:54 > 0:16:57"good teeth, but really, it's going to be expensive over the years."
0:16:57 > 0:16:58"You know what, we've got an offer on,
0:16:58 > 0:17:01"I will take all of these out and we can just put in dentures."
0:17:01 > 0:17:03"And dentures really are the future."
0:17:03 > 0:17:05It does seem a bit odd, it does seem that
0:17:05 > 0:17:07the woman getting her teeth out on her wedding night
0:17:07 > 0:17:09is more of a present for the husband, really, doesn't it.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12There are advantages, you might say, yes, absolutely, that there
0:17:12 > 0:17:15could be pleasurable outcomes.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22That was unfortunate!
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Stop it and behave. So...
0:17:25 > 0:17:28You'd be very good on those sex chat lines.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34"Would you like a pleasurable outcome with your little sexual bits?"
0:17:35 > 0:17:38Let's return to the 19th century and think about false teeth.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- Now, what were false teeth made of in those days?- Wood.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44They were. Wood was used. supposedly George Washington...
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- Abraham Lincoln had wooden false teeth.- Well, yes, he did.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49And he would fall asleep in Congress,
0:17:49 > 0:17:52or wherever they sit and they were sprung loaded, these things,
0:17:52 > 0:17:55so if you relax your jaw, the spring would fire them out of your mouth.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57That's absolutely right, they did.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00They did have springs, in France, in particular, they had
0:18:00 > 0:18:03holes in their gums with, so they would sort of hang the tooth on it.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07I was looking at my granny the other day and I had a really good idea, OK.
0:18:07 > 0:18:11This is what I'm going to pitch when I go on Dragons Den, is to create
0:18:11 > 0:18:14some dentures that clamp shut every time they sense racism coming out.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17It would be brilliant, wouldn't it?
0:18:17 > 0:18:22As soon as she starts... Doof! You'd get through a lot at Christmas.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24"I've got nothing against them personally, but..."
0:18:26 > 0:18:29I think the word, the word "but" would be the key, wouldn't it,
0:18:29 > 0:18:31the trigger word. "I'm not racist, but..."
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Yeah.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35Teeth is the answer.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Well, yes, exactly.
0:18:36 > 0:18:37I think they used teeth.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39They did, but whose teeth could they use?
0:18:39 > 0:18:43Well, either... Did poor people sell their teeth?
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Yes, poor people did sell their teeth.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46And also I think dead people.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50- But a particular kind of dead person. You were not allowed to grave rob...- Are we not?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- Not a grave, no. So there are other places...- Oh!
0:18:53 > 0:18:55I know, it's disappointing.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57I'm in a lot of trouble.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02There are other places where you might find too many dead bodies,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05of healthy young men, usually, who might have good teeth.
0:19:05 > 0:19:08- Oh, battlefields.- Battlefields is the right answer.- How depressing.
0:19:08 > 0:19:12What became known as Waterloo teeth. It became almost your patriotic duty,
0:19:12 > 0:19:16if you lost a tooth, to fit in that of a dead soldier from Waterloo.
0:19:16 > 0:19:18There were these scavengers who went around the battlefields
0:19:18 > 0:19:21pulling out the teeth of the dead bodies
0:19:21 > 0:19:24and sending them back in barrels, and people would buy them
0:19:24 > 0:19:28and fit them into the holes where their teeth were, and use them.
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Barrels? How many people died?
0:19:29 > 0:19:33- Well, thousands died in the Battle of Waterloo.- Barrels, wow!
0:19:33 > 0:19:34Yes, yeah, and each head had 32 teeth in it.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36And the dead horses,
0:19:36 > 0:19:39their teeth were sent to the people from the Only Way Is Essex.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Absolutely right. Spot on. Spot on.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48But right up until the American Civil War and past the 1860s,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51they were called Waterloo teeth, even though of course that was,
0:19:51 > 0:19:54the Battle of Waterloo was in 1815, so it was, you know, 45 years later.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57There's a story you may have come across in the newspapers
0:19:57 > 0:20:00not that long ago about a Polish dentist.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Does that ring a bell? A female Polish dentist?
0:20:03 > 0:20:04She got revenge on someone by...
0:20:04 > 0:20:06Her lover left her.
0:20:06 > 0:20:07And she took out all his teeth.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Her lover left her and then went to see her when he had,
0:20:10 > 0:20:13stupid idiot, went to see her when he had toothache,
0:20:13 > 0:20:15and she took all his teeth out.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18Apparently, it was in all the newspapers, but it's bollocks.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Can you imagine, something in British newspapers that isn't true?!
0:20:21 > 0:20:23- She took his bollocks out? - No, no.
0:20:23 > 0:20:25What she should have done is taken all the teeth out
0:20:25 > 0:20:29and then made a little hole in his scrotum and put them all in there.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Just loose and then sewn it up again.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37Yes, that is a much better idea.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41I think we can all agree she missed a great opportunity.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43He just would have had a bag of teeth hanging around there.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Oh!
0:20:45 > 0:20:47But you can have a look at this little device.
0:20:47 > 0:20:48What do you think that might be?
0:20:48 > 0:20:51I think it's a piece of dental equipment, Stephen.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53It's certainly a piece of dental equipment.
0:20:53 > 0:20:54I pieced that together myself.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55I need that more specifically.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58I bet it's a tongue clamp or something grotesque.
0:20:58 > 0:20:59No, it's not a tongue clamp.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Oh, is it for snipping open the scrotum to put the teeth in?
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Behave yourself, behave yourself!
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Well, presumably to yank something out.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07It looks like a yanky out thing.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09It's not a yanky out thing.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Well, it kind of crosses over and it's got those sort
0:21:11 > 0:21:14of cutting things, is it for making, turning the upper lip into a fringe?
0:21:14 > 0:21:18I think it looks like you might jam it in somewhere, open it up
0:21:18 > 0:21:20and then you could put the tooth in.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Ow! No, it's not that. It's called the masticator.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25It's for people who had no teeth, you first chopped your food
0:21:25 > 0:21:27up a little and then you really mash it up.
0:21:27 > 0:21:30And so it's ready, you don't need your teeth to chew.
0:21:30 > 0:21:35It basically just gets your food into a soft pulp.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37That's it, exactly.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41There was a very common belief in the...
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Ow! You see.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46A load of teeth have fallen out!
0:21:46 > 0:21:50It's a valuable exhibit in the British Dental Museum and we're very grateful. Be careful with it.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- It's a rusty old tool. - You could use it on your apple.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55- I could, couldn't I? - Remember?
0:21:55 > 0:21:56On my lovely apple.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58I might do that.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01You're being very flirty, Jack. I quite like it.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02So, anyway...
0:22:02 > 0:22:05APPLAUSE
0:22:07 > 0:22:08Yeah, that's...
0:22:08 > 0:22:10My sphincter just tightened.
0:22:12 > 0:22:13So...
0:22:13 > 0:22:17Not for the first time this evening, I shouldn't wonder.
0:22:17 > 0:22:18That's your masticator and...
0:22:18 > 0:22:20It's not your sphincter, it's your masticator.
0:22:20 > 0:22:24So, what kind of glass does the Pope-mobile have in its windows?
0:22:24 > 0:22:29Oh, probably, has he got the slidey kind so he can sell ice creams?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33I imagine it plays the ice cream van music,
0:22:33 > 0:22:35I'm not casting aspersions on the Catholic Church, but...
0:22:35 > 0:22:36Now, be very careful.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- Stained glass.- Stained glass, that's a very good point.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42- It's tinted.- How lovely would that be?- Tinted.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45Is it tinted so like when they're all waving, everyone thinks that
0:22:45 > 0:22:50he's in there doing that, but actually he's cracking open some tinnies, flicking the v's at people.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51What else would you say about the glass?
0:22:51 > 0:22:55You want us to say bulletproof, don't you, that's a thing, isn't it?
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- I wouldn't, would I, want you to say what?- Bulletproof.- Oh!
0:22:58 > 0:23:01SIREN
0:23:01 > 0:23:04I'm afraid we're being very technical with you, there is
0:23:04 > 0:23:07no such thing as bulletproof glass, by any manufacturer or anybody else.
0:23:07 > 0:23:08That's cost me a fortune in my house.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10It's bullet resistant glass.
0:23:10 > 0:23:13They don't claim it to be bulletproof.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Four inches thick will do, it's layered with sort of vinyl
0:23:15 > 0:23:18and things in between to absorb the shock of the bullet.
0:23:18 > 0:23:22But there's a really clever, which is one-way bullet-resistant glass,
0:23:22 > 0:23:24where you shoot into it and the bullet does that,
0:23:24 > 0:23:28but you can shoot out from the other side and it goes straight through.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Well, if that gets fitted incorrectly...
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- So the Pope would fire back. - You've got one shot.
0:23:33 > 0:23:34I can't see how that could be possible.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37It's because of the lamination. I can describe it to you if you wish.
0:23:37 > 0:23:40It's because of the order in which the layers are assembled.
0:23:40 > 0:23:42The shock absorber layer is on the inside,
0:23:42 > 0:23:45with the glass on the outside, was the reason.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47That would be great if you could be shot by the Pope.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49How exciting would that be?
0:23:49 > 0:23:50- You could shoot, he'd shoot you, "Pow",
0:23:50 > 0:23:52"Yeah, you're going to hell, I've had a word."
0:23:54 > 0:23:56He'd definitely do the sideways thing, wouldn't he?
0:23:56 > 0:24:01Just as a matter of interest, how many Popes does the Vatican have per square kilometre?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- How many Popes?- Yeah.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05Like, buried or in storage?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07No, actually live, living Popes?
0:24:07 > 0:24:09- One.- No.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12There's actually 2.27 recurring, because Vatican City is only
0:24:12 > 0:24:160.44 of a kilometre, so the average would be, per square kilometre...
0:24:16 > 0:24:20Well, I think we have it, ladies and gentlemen.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22The most annoying question ever asked.
0:24:24 > 0:24:25I think we've done it!
0:24:25 > 0:24:30I understand your point of view, you're quite right.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32- Well, we weren't going to get it, were we?- No, you weren't.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35So, anyway, how would you improve this plane here?
0:24:35 > 0:24:38- How would you make it a bit safer? - Well, now... It's incomplete.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Well, I'm no aeronautical engineer, but I can see a flaw.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42Yeah.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46- Ryanair just get worse and worse, don't they?- They do, don't they?
0:24:46 > 0:24:49O'Leary would charge you for the extra air conditioning.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Is it so you get a cheaper ticket if you bring your own fuselage?
0:24:53 > 0:24:56No. This was a rather cunning insight that when airplanes returned
0:24:56 > 0:24:59with, you know, battered and hurt like that, that one there,
0:24:59 > 0:25:02as you can see, has been pretty badly hurt,
0:25:02 > 0:25:05but it came back and the crew survived.
0:25:05 > 0:25:09But the ones that didn't come back were hit elsewhere.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12If you're hit there, you can clearly survive.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15So spend the money on extra armouring
0:25:15 > 0:25:18on the bits where it wasn't hit.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19And that's where its knees are.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25And there are the fine, four Merlin engines.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27It's good isn't it? It's a clever insight.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29It is quite cunning. So there you are.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32But now we're going to close, very excitingly, with a jolly jape,
0:25:32 > 0:25:34which I like to do from time to time,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37which is to bring out a really extraordinary mechanism, a device.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40It's called the Strandbeest.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44Strand is like English word strand, beach.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47And beest, as in hartebeest or wildebeest,
0:25:47 > 0:25:49is beast, basically. So it...
0:25:49 > 0:25:50A sand beast.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51A sand beast.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54So is this like a waiter that's done loads of tourists?
0:25:54 > 0:25:56There's a man called Theo Jansen who's an extraordinary artist
0:25:56 > 0:25:59inventor, who has created this remarkable machine.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02- Do you know about it? - It walks along.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04It walks on the sand without any electronics
0:26:04 > 0:26:06or anything else like that, just powered by the wind.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08I mean, it's extraordinary, some of the things it can do.
0:26:08 > 0:26:11No metallic or electronic parts, remember that.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13It can detect the tide coming in, walk away from the water,
0:26:13 > 0:26:16anchor itself by hammering a pin into the ground,
0:26:16 > 0:26:18that's what it looks like, if the wind is too strong.
0:26:18 > 0:26:21It can even store up air in bottles when the wind is blowing
0:26:21 > 0:26:24and release it to keep itself moving when the wind drops.
0:26:24 > 0:26:25Lots of clips on Youtube,
0:26:25 > 0:26:28but you have to go to Holland to see them live on the beach.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31But, through the magic of the next big thing in tech,
0:26:31 > 0:26:34which is 3D printing, where you can print an object out.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38This is a 3D printed object, it's entirely 3D printed.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40It needed no extra thing except the propeller on the end.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Wow.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44And this is a version of the sea beast.
0:26:44 > 0:26:46And instead of blowing,
0:26:46 > 0:26:49I'm going to use a little sort of electric fan, like so.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51There we go.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Whoa, whoa! Sand beast!
0:26:55 > 0:26:56Isn't that cool?
0:26:56 > 0:26:57That's great.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59And that was printed out?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01But isn't that an amazing object?
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Oh, it looks really spooky.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06I can't believe you got that from a 3D printer.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10- I know.- I sort of feel like this is going to be, it's going to a bluff, that can't be a real thing.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12I promise you it's true.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14So how does it work? Is it a block of resin?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17It's basically lasers fusing powdered plastic together.
0:27:17 > 0:27:18Even though they consist of at least
0:27:18 > 0:27:2176 separate moving interlocking parts,
0:27:21 > 0:27:24they emerge from the printer ready to operate without the need for
0:27:24 > 0:27:27further assembly, with the exception of the addition of the propeller.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29No way.
0:27:29 > 0:27:30That's absolutely right.
0:27:30 > 0:27:31- That is the future. - Isn't it amazing?
0:27:31 > 0:27:34You want to make sure you hit the right number of copies.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36- Yeah.- Don't you, when... Oh, 12, oh..
0:27:36 > 0:27:3812, it does take rather a long time.
0:27:38 > 0:27:41My house is full of sand beasts. Argh! There are sand beasts!
0:27:41 > 0:27:44But they are becoming commercially available.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47Now you can get a consumer 3D printer for about £1,600.
0:27:47 > 0:27:51Although it's available on the QI website for £12.99.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53I'm blown away by that, it's amazing.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56I think we should, let's hear it for this amazing machine.
0:27:56 > 0:27:57APPLAUSE
0:27:57 > 0:27:59Brilliant.
0:27:59 > 0:28:00Really impressive. How lovely.
0:28:00 > 0:28:05Well, that brings us to the end of tonight's questions,
0:28:05 > 0:28:08so please do join me now for the scoreboard.
0:28:08 > 0:28:13We have a clear winner, with minus five points, it's Cal Wilson.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17APPLAUSE
0:28:17 > 0:28:20And a highly creditable blue and dewy-eyed second,
0:28:20 > 0:28:22with minus 24 is Jack Whitehall.
0:28:22 > 0:28:26APPLAUSE
0:28:26 > 0:28:31It's crowded at the bottom. That's a very unfortunate phrase.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36With minus 45, in third place, Jimmy Carr.
0:28:36 > 0:28:37Minus 45?
0:28:37 > 0:28:40APPLAUSE
0:28:40 > 0:28:44But, six of the best behind, on minus 51, Alan Davies!
0:28:44 > 0:28:47APPLAUSE
0:28:53 > 0:28:57Thank you all very much indeed for watching. That's all from Jack, Jimmy, Cal, Alan and me.
0:28:57 > 0:29:01Spend the rest of your lives being extremely good to each other. Goodnight.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd