0:00:30 > 0:00:32Well, goooooood evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:32 > 0:00:35good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening
0:00:35 > 0:00:41and welcome to QI, which tonight is just a jumble of J things,
0:00:41 > 0:00:47and joining me in the land where the Jumblies live are an owl, Jo Brand.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:52And we have to have a pussycat, John Sessions.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:59And a beautiful pea-green Dara O'Briain.
0:00:59 > 0:01:02APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:07And...all at sea, with a mind like a sieve, Alan Davies.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09APPLAUSE
0:01:14 > 0:01:18So, let's hear your J buzzers, if we may. Jo goes:
0:01:18 > 0:01:21# I'm still Jenny from the block #
0:01:22 > 0:01:25Yes, that was obviously some female artiste.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28- ALAN: J-Lo. - J-Lo.- Yeah.- John goes:
0:01:28 > 0:01:31# I got 99 problems But a bitch ain't one - hit me! #
0:01:34 > 0:01:36I'd give you ten points if you knew who that was?
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Uh...Usher.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42- I think J would have helped you. - Jay-Z?
0:01:42 > 0:01:47- It's too late now. But yes, Jay-Z is the answer. Jay-Z.- Right.
0:01:47 > 0:01:52Or Jay-Zed as we call him, in England. And Dara goes:
0:01:52 > 0:01:55# It's not about the money, money, money
0:01:55 > 0:01:57# We don't need your money, money, money
0:01:57 > 0:02:02- And that was?- The lovely Jessie J. - Jessie J, absolutely. And Alan:
0:02:02 > 0:02:05MAN: # J, we're like Jack and Jill
0:02:05 > 0:02:07WOMAN: # K, we're so kissable
0:02:07 > 0:02:11MAN: # L is lovelight in your eyes #
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Aw...it's The Alphabet Song.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14I think that was Perry Como. I may be imagining it.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- It wasn't a J person, was it?- No.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19I think it might have been his brother Jerry Como.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Never mind. Those are your J buzzers and J is our jamboree today.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27So, what do jockeys use their whips for?
0:02:27 > 0:02:29# Hit me! #
0:02:29 > 0:02:30Oh, oh, oh...!
0:02:32 > 0:02:37Do they have whips? Or are they not called...crops?
0:02:37 > 0:02:41A riding crop is a whip, so that's not the problem.
0:02:41 > 0:02:45Well, recently they have decided that they can only use the whip,
0:02:45 > 0:02:51I believe, on the flat, eight times, and in the final furlong,
0:02:51 > 0:02:55if they use it more than five times,
0:02:55 > 0:02:59they forfeit their portion of the win, if they do, in fact, win.
0:02:59 > 0:03:04Wow, this is very impressive. For all I know, you're right.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06LAUGHTER
0:03:06 > 0:03:11I know that in Britain, if you use your whip more than eight times,
0:03:11 > 0:03:14there is almost always going to be a steward's inquiry.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Only if you use it on the horse. If you're hitting yourself...
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Obviously. I was taking that as read.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22If you go, argh, argh! They don't mind!
0:03:22 > 0:03:26Is he being lowered on like the old kings used to be?
0:03:26 > 0:03:30That is Frankie Dettori's signature leap from the saddle.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- He's wearing Arsenal colours... - He is?- ..cos he's an Arsenal fan.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35- Is that the reason? - I made it up.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38No, of course, it isn't the reason. He wears the colours of his owner.
0:03:38 > 0:03:42There is, also, the very famous American jockey Robert Mapplethorpe
0:03:42 > 0:03:48- who decided...- Arse jockey!- ..to put his whip UP his arse.- He did.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51And photograph it. The way we all do, I think.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55- And it caused rather a stir in American circles.- It did. - To say the least.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- It's a variation on the photocopier thing, isn't it?- Absolutely.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Wherein you put a photocopier up your arse?
0:04:03 > 0:04:08- Oh, surely, we've all been there. - It was a helluva Christmas party!
0:04:08 > 0:04:13No, I'm presuming it's some sort of encouragement to the horse to run?
0:04:13 > 0:04:15You used a very important word - encouragement.
0:04:15 > 0:04:20Because naturally the RSPCA and those who care for animals
0:04:20 > 0:04:23are not particularly, frankly, pleased
0:04:23 > 0:04:27by the sight of animals being hit for sport. They don't find it acceptable.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- Quite a weapon, close up, isn't it? - It is a heck of a thing,
0:04:30 > 0:04:34But there's been a study by the RSPCA at Sydney University.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37They found that whipping does not have the effect of horsing a speed up.
0:04:37 > 0:04:41- Er, speeding a horse up. - LAUGHTER
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- APPLAUSE - These glasses...
0:04:46 > 0:04:49I don't want to get all street on you there,
0:04:49 > 0:04:52but when you horse your speed up, it does, say,
0:04:52 > 0:04:56it's when you get your methamphetamines and mix heroin in with it.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58And that will make you run!
0:04:58 > 0:05:01What have you done with Stephen Fry?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03All right, OK. Let me start that again.
0:05:03 > 0:05:07They found that whipping does not have the effect of speeding a horse up.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11The RSPCAA claims this settles the case against whipping.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13The study has been criticised by racing authorities.
0:05:13 > 0:05:16They say it's too small a cohort of testings,
0:05:16 > 0:05:18only 48 horses in five races, etc.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21According to jockeys, speed is not the main purpose of the whip.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25The main uses are safety of both horse and jockey,
0:05:25 > 0:05:28stopping the horse from veering, losing balance,
0:05:28 > 0:05:31backing off from a jump, or prompting it to change the length of its stride.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34They're never allowed to use it to coerce the horse.
0:05:34 > 0:05:39The other is, precisely the word you used - "encouragement -
0:05:39 > 0:05:41which, obviously, the animal lobby says,
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- "Come on, that's just a euphemism for coercion."- Yes.
0:05:43 > 0:05:47"It would be delightful if you could run just a tiny bit faster now, this race is almost at an end."
0:05:47 > 0:05:50I think we've all seen horses being enthusiastically "encouraged"
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- in the last furlong of a race. - LAUGHTER
0:05:53 > 0:05:57If you were a race, with somebody alongside you, like at a parents' day, for school...
0:05:57 > 0:06:02- Egg and spoon.- More the three-legged one where you've got somebody with you.- Oh, yes.
0:06:02 > 0:06:05If one of the people had a whip and felt that you were lagging
0:06:05 > 0:06:08and other parents were beating you and then whipped you,
0:06:08 > 0:06:12your motivation wouldn't be to run, you'd be thinking, "Stop whipping me, you prick!"
0:06:12 > 0:06:13- You'd punch them in the face.- Yes.
0:06:13 > 0:06:18And also the notion that "Ow! You whipped me on the bum, therefore, I will be propelled forward,"
0:06:18 > 0:06:22as opposed to reacting veering off, randomly finding out what is...
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I was caned in prep school and I never won a single race. It was terrible.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28There you are, they whipped you every day.
0:06:28 > 0:06:29They whipped me every day.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33Did they whip you during the races? That would have been an impressive prep school thing,
0:06:33 > 0:06:37if they gave you a head start and then ran after you with the cane.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- It would be a five-legged race. - I'm not saying that on a...
0:06:41 > 0:06:44When you say "a three-legged race," you're thinking of two people,
0:06:44 > 0:06:47but what we're talking about here, Dara, is horses and people.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51I wasn't saying that the last time I went to a school sports day, I brought a horse
0:06:51 > 0:06:54in an effort to win the three-legged race, and nobody sussed it.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57LAUGHTER I would love to see that.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Have you met my delightful wife, Juniper?
0:06:59 > 0:07:01HE SNORTS
0:07:01 > 0:07:02LAUGHTER
0:07:02 > 0:07:06What happened to the old carrot dangled in front of the horse?
0:07:06 > 0:07:08The carrot or the stick, you're absolutely right.
0:07:08 > 0:07:12Well, inflicting pain is not part of the intended method.
0:07:12 > 0:07:14The whip currently used in British horse racing
0:07:14 > 0:07:20has an energy-absorbing design, which means it does not cause pain if used correctly, supposedly.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22The fact is, some people, and I have to say,
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I probably count myself amongst them, think it would be a nice idea
0:07:25 > 0:07:28to have a sport in which you didn't have to hit animals at all.
0:07:28 > 0:07:33Maybe I'm wrong. However, what does a robot jockey do?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Ah yes, these robot jockeys ride camels, don't they?
0:07:36 > 0:07:39You are good, and you've already got the points.
0:07:39 > 0:07:40Yeah, yeah, the robot jockeys,
0:07:40 > 0:07:44they're a form of racing in Dubai, in particular, and perhaps across the...
0:07:44 > 0:07:45In the UAE, generally.
0:07:45 > 0:07:49They have camel racing and camels at that speed, probably could not take a human weight on them,
0:07:49 > 0:07:53they'd have to be quite small. So I am presuming that at some stage
0:07:53 > 0:07:58they experimented with either little people or with children.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02But it was reintroduced by King Fahd of Saudi Arabia
0:08:02 > 0:08:05in the 1970s, and children were indeed taken from their parents
0:08:05 > 0:08:08and were forced to be the jockeys on these camels.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10Well what do you mean, "taken from their parents"?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13People would just turn up at a random house?
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I'm afraid, as you probably know, much of the service industries
0:08:16 > 0:08:18are performed by Sri Lankans and Indians.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22The Gulf Arab people themselves don't do much of the basic work.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25It was Indian children who were taken to be jockeys.
0:08:25 > 0:08:29It was not a pleasant story, there's no way of dressing it up nicely.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31How much control do they have over the camels, exactly?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Well, they've got reins and they also have GPS,
0:08:33 > 0:08:35so they know where they are.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Now, you may say, "Why put a face and a hat and costume on it?"
0:08:38 > 0:08:43The fact is, the camels were spooked out when the robots just looked like machines.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46The camels were much more relaxed at the idea that it was
0:08:46 > 0:08:49- a human, because they've sort of grown used to the idea.- Right.
0:08:49 > 0:08:53So these only weigh a few kilos, they're not that expensive.
0:08:53 > 0:08:54About 500 each.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57They whip the camels by remote control, because the managers
0:08:57 > 0:09:00are following in a truck, so they do whip, I'm afraid.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02They're far lighter than the child jockeys,
0:09:02 > 0:09:06and I suppose it's less inhumane.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08They were designed in Switzerland. Ha-ha.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10LAUGHTER
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Please may I tell you the only camel joke that I know?
0:09:12 > 0:09:14- Please, please.- OK.
0:09:14 > 0:09:16There's two guys in the army out in the desert,
0:09:16 > 0:09:21and there's a new recruit, and there are no women around at all,
0:09:21 > 0:09:24and the new recruit says, "What do we do for sex?"
0:09:24 > 0:09:27And the old guy says, "I'm afraid it's the camels."
0:09:27 > 0:09:31And so that evening, they're all let out towards the camels,
0:09:31 > 0:09:33and the old bloke's running really fast,
0:09:33 > 0:09:36and the young guy says, "What are you doing? It's only a camel."
0:09:36 > 0:09:39And he goes, "Yeah, but you don't want to get an ugly one, do you?"
0:09:39 > 0:09:40LAUGHTER
0:09:40 > 0:09:43So what are those camels we're looking at?
0:09:43 > 0:09:45What sort of camels are they?
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Hang on, I'm sorry, there is another camel joke.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50LAUGHTER
0:09:50 > 0:09:54Same starting point, taken from the first couple of minutes and said,
0:09:54 > 0:09:57"Oh I'm afraid there are no women here, I'm afraid it's the camels."
0:09:57 > 0:10:02So, late at night, the guy declares "I can't take it any more, I'm as horny as hell,"
0:10:02 > 0:10:05and he goes out and he rides the camel.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08He comes back in and he goes, "Well, that's the best we can do."
0:10:08 > 0:10:09And the man says, "Well, actually,
0:10:09 > 0:10:13"when I said 'We've got the camels, we normally ride them into town."
0:10:13 > 0:10:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:20 > 0:10:23- Very good. Anybody else got any camel jokes?- No.- Excellent.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Now, which one of you can imitate an expectant jackrabbit?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- Me!- Yeah, wow! That's quick.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33- It's a kind of hare, a jackrabbit.- It is a hare. It's American for "hare", basically.
0:10:33 > 0:10:37It's an American hare, yeah. But the female jackrabbit, when she gives birth to her young,
0:10:37 > 0:10:42makes no attempt to suckle them and they are just left to... forage for their own.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44So she's a bad mother.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48- Daily Mail is going to go crazy with this.- And I would imitate her like that, with a fag.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50LAUGHTER
0:10:50 > 0:10:52What you say may be true,
0:10:52 > 0:10:57but there is something more extraordinarily true about the pregnancy of the female jackrabbit.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00And this was something that was suggested by Aristotle.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03I know how you love to have an Ancient Greek...
0:11:03 > 0:11:06I'm distracted by that rabbit being fisted in the background.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- LAUGHTER - Absolutely.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11I don't know who did our little silhouette.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13It's not entirely successful.
0:11:13 > 0:11:17It's a good effort and we thank them for it, but Aristotle suggested
0:11:17 > 0:11:21that hares could get pregnant when they were already pregnant,
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- which in most mammals... - LAUGHTER
0:11:23 > 0:11:25Isn't that rather sweet?
0:11:25 > 0:11:27I think you'll agree, is a bit peculiar.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Aristotle thought it, and he was scoffed by scientists,
0:11:30 > 0:11:32until very, very recently,
0:11:32 > 0:11:34it was discovered that he was absolutely right!
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- It was discovered in Berlin. - Cats do this.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39A male hare... Cats?
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Cats do do this, yeah.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43- A cat can have... - Impregnated by more than one tom.
0:11:43 > 0:11:47Yeah, we have two cats and they have the same mother, but different fathers.
0:11:47 > 0:11:48And humans even can.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52There were twins born in 2010, in Arkansas, conceived two weeks apart.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55They were actually conceived at different times.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57So one egg was fertilised and then another,
0:11:57 > 0:11:59so they could have had different fathers.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01Twins with different fathers - it's a weird idea.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04All this is recently new knowledge, but Aristotle was spot on.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06It's known as "superfecundation",
0:12:06 > 0:12:09when two different ova are fertilised in the same cycle.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Aww!
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- Or it's superconception... "Ah, da little fluffy bunnies!" - LAUGHTER
0:12:14 > 0:12:18So, complete the phrase, "Pregnant mothers should eat..."
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Loads.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22LAUGHTER
0:12:22 > 0:12:26Erm... Burgers...
0:12:26 > 0:12:29The equivalent of two slices of bread extra per day,
0:12:29 > 0:12:31and no more is necessary.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34That's probably about right and that's only in the third trimester.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37The fact is, the idea that you should eat for two,
0:12:37 > 0:12:39which you managed to avoid, is nonsense.
0:12:39 > 0:12:43A pregnant woman should eat no more than she normally eats.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45She might have changes in appetite.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Did you have any particular dietary desires when you were pregnant?
0:12:48 > 0:12:51I gnawed my husband's leg occasionally.
0:12:51 > 0:12:52And that was unusual?
0:12:52 > 0:12:54LAUGHTER
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- Not as far as our marriage was concerned.- That's what I mean.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59So did you have any peculiar appetites that were
0:12:59 > 0:13:01specifically related to pregnancy?
0:13:01 > 0:13:04- No, I was very boring, I didn't, really.- No sort of coal?
0:13:04 > 0:13:09They say that you only want to eat coal if you're lacking vitamins, don't they?
0:13:09 > 0:13:14- Certainly, exactly.- So, no one eats coal any more.- So you were obviously not lacking anything.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18- My mother smoked my father's pipe. - Could she not get her own pipe(?)
0:13:18 > 0:13:20LAUGHTER Your poor father.
0:13:20 > 0:13:24- It was her pregnancy that made her want to do it? - Yeah. She just loved pipe tobacco.
0:13:24 > 0:13:25- God, that's extraordinary.- Yeah.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29There's no more beautiful image of motherhood than a pregnant woman smoking a pipe(!)
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Just the essentials of nature(!)
0:13:32 > 0:13:34A woman going...
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Then tapping it out on the table, and then digging a little bit out.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40I thought you were going to say, "Tapping it out on her belly."
0:13:43 > 0:13:45When I got pregnant, my grandma said to me,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47"Oh, eating for two, are we?"
0:13:47 > 0:13:50And I went, "Bog off, I'm not cutting down."
0:13:50 > 0:13:52LAUGHTER
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Anyway, moving on...
0:13:55 > 0:13:58..which should you avoid going to bed with,
0:13:58 > 0:14:00a jactitator or a jactitator?
0:14:00 > 0:14:02The second one.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04LAUGHTER
0:14:04 > 0:14:05Why?
0:14:06 > 0:14:12Erm...because...it means, um...
0:14:12 > 0:14:14someone that wiggles about a lot.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16- Yes!- Oh, does it?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:22 > 0:14:25The official name for it is Willis-Ekbom disease,
0:14:25 > 0:14:29also known as "restlessness", or particularly, "restless leg syndrome."
0:14:29 > 0:14:31That's one meaning of "jactitation".
0:14:31 > 0:14:33- The other...- Yes, the other is?
0:14:33 > 0:14:37..is speaking unpleasantly of somebody?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40No, nice that you're trying and don't be put off.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42LAUGHTER
0:14:42 > 0:14:45It's a very specific... I won't say "crime", exactly.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49it's a malfeasance, possibly, it's a wrongdoing that people do.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- And that is to maintain that you're married to someone when you aren't.- That's right.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57You are so angry, because... Wow, you're angry.
0:14:57 > 0:15:01If a man says, "Oh yes, she's my wife, we're married," and she goes, "No, we're not,"
0:15:01 > 0:15:07you can go to court, and your remedy is a "suit of jactitation of marriage,"
0:15:07 > 0:15:12in which you ask the court to declare you are not married to the person who is claiming that you are.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Is the "jactitation" the denying of the marriage,
0:15:15 > 0:15:18or is it the maintaining you're still married when you're not?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21A "jactitator" is one who claims to be married to you when they aren't.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24So "ding-dong," "Darling I'm home!" "You're not married to me."
0:15:24 > 0:15:26LAUGHTER
0:15:26 > 0:15:30- The bad guy is the "ding-dong," "Darling I'm home!" in this situation?- Exactly.- Stop doing this!
0:15:30 > 0:15:31LAUGHTER
0:15:31 > 0:15:34So I could take you to court, because you never stop...
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Saying that we are married. But we're married in comedy, Alan.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41- We're married in comedy. - There you go again.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44Comedy. Comedy and erotic love, those two, surely...
0:15:44 > 0:15:45- Do you...- Hello!
0:15:45 > 0:15:49Do you know what the opposite is? Cos my husband often says he's not married to me.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51LAUGHTER
0:15:52 > 0:15:56- What's that called?- Shame. - Embarrassment.- "Embarrassment"!
0:15:56 > 0:16:00On the subject of twitchy legs, why do we dance around,
0:16:00 > 0:16:04when we need a pee, why do we do that?
0:16:04 > 0:16:05LAUGHTER
0:16:05 > 0:16:09To try and keep it moving so it doesn't come out of the pipe?
0:16:09 > 0:16:12No, the odd thing is, it is the worst thing to do.
0:16:12 > 0:16:16If you really want not to pee, keep as still as possible.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19Clench the end of your cock incredibly hard?
0:16:19 > 0:16:21LAUGHTER
0:16:23 > 0:16:25I've tried that, but it doesn't work.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28I've found it best to get someone else to do that.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30A full bladder creates a...
0:16:30 > 0:16:32"Tie a knot in it". "ANOTHER one?!"
0:16:32 > 0:16:36A full bladder creates a sense of urgency in the mind
0:16:36 > 0:16:39and the conflict between the desire to take action
0:16:39 > 0:16:42and relieve the stress and the fact that circumstances don't permit it,
0:16:42 > 0:16:47is translated into various rhythmic displacement behaviours.
0:16:47 > 0:16:48Wasn't it Enoch Powell who used to say,
0:16:48 > 0:16:52"I always speak when I'm dying for a piss, because I do much more..."
0:16:52 > 0:16:53It lends urgency.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Yes, and David Cameron thought he was going to have a crack at it,
0:16:56 > 0:16:57didn't he?
0:16:57 > 0:17:00- Oh did he?- Mm. - Oh, well, no wonder...
0:17:00 > 0:17:03Wet himself.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- So, during Enoch Powell's famous Rivers of Blood speech... - "Rivers of piss" speech.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10- ..Every time he said, "Rivers of..." - he would go... HE GROANS
0:17:10 > 0:17:12LAUGHTER
0:17:12 > 0:17:16That poor fellow... I do think those urinals should be done
0:17:16 > 0:17:18on an obvious demand, because the guy at the end
0:17:18 > 0:17:22seems very relaxed about it, but, man, the guy number three, really...
0:17:22 > 0:17:23- Wo!- He's desperate.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25..needs to go very soon.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27There's a perfectly good tree, just there.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28LAUGHTER
0:17:28 > 0:17:31It's probably a pop festival, so half of them
0:17:31 > 0:17:34are actually wanting to go and ingest drugs rather than urinate.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35That's the thing.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38"M'lud, they're probably horsing the speed, m'lud."
0:17:38 > 0:17:39LAUGHTER
0:17:39 > 0:17:42"They're smacking themselves with skank!"
0:17:42 > 0:17:45"I know all the words, oh yes." All right.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Who gets most use from Jacobson's organ?
0:17:48 > 0:17:49# Money! #
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Mrs Jacobson gets most use...
0:17:52 > 0:17:53KLAXON SOUNDS
0:17:53 > 0:17:56APPLAUSE Hit me!
0:17:57 > 0:18:01All right. It's your turn now, John.
0:18:01 > 0:18:06Jacobson's organ enables, particularly lions and deer,
0:18:06 > 0:18:11to chemically detect the pheromones in creatures of the opposite sex.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15- In lionesses, or...- Not just creatures of the opposite sex, but also prey and predators.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Prey and predators.
0:18:17 > 0:18:20Yes. It's an organ. You see it in snakes,
0:18:20 > 0:18:23lions, it's not just related to mammals,
0:18:23 > 0:18:26but it's a patch of specialised skin on the roof of the mouth.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Many vertebrates have it, including humans. We have it.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31Oh yes, we do.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Unfortunately, we seem to have lost the use of it.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37But snakes and lizards can tell
0:18:37 > 0:18:41when an ant has been present a week earlier...
0:18:41 > 0:18:43- just by using that. - Well, how useful's that?!
0:18:43 > 0:18:46Well, it can tell them when it comes back again.
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- "An ant was here a week ago"(!) - It might be.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- LAUGHTER - That's really improved my life(!)
0:18:51 > 0:18:53And they're thinking, "I'd love an ant now!"
0:18:53 > 0:18:55"No, it was last week."
0:18:55 > 0:19:02But in the case of horses, giraffes, camels, zebras, big animals...
0:19:02 > 0:19:05when they do it, there's an expression you've probably seen them pull,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08where they almost turn their face inside out and stop breathing.
0:19:08 > 0:19:11That's in order to get the chemicals onto their Jacob...
0:19:11 > 0:19:14"An ant! There's been an ant!
0:19:14 > 0:19:17"There's been an ant in this stable, last Tuesday!"
0:19:17 > 0:19:19LAUGHTER
0:19:19 > 0:19:21APPLAUSE
0:19:26 > 0:19:29In their case, it's less likely to be an ant
0:19:29 > 0:19:32than there was female or a male or a predator or a prey.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- Makes them look gorgeous(!) - It's a funny old look, isn't it?
0:19:35 > 0:19:38The one in the middle has had its hair styled by someone from Girls Aloud!
0:19:38 > 0:19:41- LAUGHTER - I think they're rather fun.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44He's had the GHDs on that!
0:19:44 > 0:19:47A rather fetching Emma Bunton look, I thought.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50- Rather touching little bangs. - LAUGHTER
0:19:50 > 0:19:55So, what does a cockroach find absolutely disgusting?
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Jeremy Kyle. LAUGHTER
0:19:57 > 0:20:01Yes! Is the right answer!
0:20:01 > 0:20:05Because Jeremy Kyle - almost, but he does count - is a human being, right?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08We don't like cockroaches and cockroaches don't like us.
0:20:08 > 0:20:12If they see us, they not only run away, as soon as possible,
0:20:12 > 0:20:14they wash themselves after they've been touched by us.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16They find us revolting.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20I used to live in a flat when I was a student nurse
0:20:20 > 0:20:23and it was absolutely inundated with cockroaches.
0:20:23 > 0:20:29And one night, I came home from the pub and I'd left the telly on,
0:20:29 > 0:20:33and there were two cockroaches sitting on the settee, watching telly.
0:20:33 > 0:20:34Wow.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37They were looking at the telly kind of going, "Werr..."
0:20:37 > 0:20:38Was it a documentary about insects?
0:20:38 > 0:20:40It was Jeremy Kyle.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42LAUGHTER
0:20:42 > 0:20:46- So they like Jeremy Kyle? - No, there were people in whatever they were watching.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48They really don't like people.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51But also, as well, I was once painting the ceiling
0:20:51 > 0:20:54in the flat and a cockroach actually fell in my mouth.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55ALL: Oh!
0:20:55 > 0:20:58The thing is, cockroaches are everywhere, aren't they?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01In hospitals, particularly, anywhere where there's sort of...
0:21:01 > 0:21:03I mean, it's a huge...
0:21:03 > 0:21:05I once went into a hospital kitchen at night and turned
0:21:05 > 0:21:09the light on and for a split second, the entire floor was brown.
0:21:09 > 0:21:10And then it was white.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13It's just astonishing. And then they disappear.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16And they don't do that much damage, and yet they do repulse us.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19And the point is, we repulse them, hence they disappeared so quickly.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22But there is something that they must hate even more,
0:21:22 > 0:21:25and this is a real test for anybody who's sung,
0:21:25 > 0:21:29"All things bright and beautiful... the good Lord made them all,"
0:21:29 > 0:21:32because He also made some things not very bright and beautiful,
0:21:32 > 0:21:34and one of the least bright and beautiful things imaginable,
0:21:34 > 0:21:38which is a parasitic wasp that has the most extraordinary life cycle.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40They're called jewel wasps,
0:21:40 > 0:21:43because they're faintly jewel-coloured.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45They go up to the cockroach.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48They then impart a sting into its brain
0:21:48 > 0:21:51which turns it into a sort of zombie.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53It doesn't kill it.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55But it kind of makes it kind of... "Errh."
0:21:55 > 0:21:58And they then saw off one of its antennae,
0:21:58 > 0:22:03and uses the other one as a lead... literally, and pulls it to its nest.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05There it's leading it, it's now pulling it.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09- As you see, it's much smaller than the cockroach.- Good God!
0:22:09 > 0:22:12This poor cockroach, I'm afraid, will have a pretty miserable time.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15He then gets packed into the nest...
0:22:15 > 0:22:19and then he lays eggs inside.
0:22:19 > 0:22:25And the baby wasp is born in, and eats the cockroach alive
0:22:25 > 0:22:30from the inside, in a very special order, to keep the cockroach alive.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34Because cockroach meat goes off very quickly and it's very warm.
0:22:34 > 0:22:37And that is the life cycle of the jewel wasp.
0:22:37 > 0:22:41Now, if you ask me that if there's a benign, divine God
0:22:41 > 0:22:45who looks down on creation and loves it all, you just ask him
0:22:45 > 0:22:49how the hell he came up with something so cruel,
0:22:49 > 0:22:51so unpleasant, so vile.
0:22:51 > 0:22:56Only evolution could cause that kind of horrible life cycle
0:22:56 > 0:22:58for the cockroach.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01I mean, it's a pretty grim business. So, there you go.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04I thought I'd leave you with that charming thought(!)
0:23:04 > 0:23:08- If only you could do that with Piers Morgan.- Yes, oh!
0:23:08 > 0:23:10APPLAUSE
0:23:13 > 0:23:15HE LAUGHS
0:23:15 > 0:23:18- A very pleasing thought. - Very good.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Now, here's a simple question. Why are we all such arseholes?
0:23:21 > 0:23:23LAUGHTER
0:23:23 > 0:23:25Well, I'm contractually obliged.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26LAUGHTER
0:23:26 > 0:23:31Well, let me say that there are two types of living creature.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35There are protostomes and deuterostomes.
0:23:35 > 0:23:39"Stoma" is the Greek for "mouth".
0:23:39 > 0:23:43If you're a protostome, when you are just developing as an egg,
0:23:43 > 0:23:48and dividing and turning into what will become a lovely little person,
0:23:48 > 0:23:53protostomes start at the mouth and then grow outwards.
0:23:53 > 0:23:57But humans... we start as an arsehole.
0:23:57 > 0:24:01We are deuterostomes, because we're "second mouths".
0:24:01 > 0:24:03We start as a bottom and then work outwards.
0:24:03 > 0:24:08So we begin as arseholes. We all begin as little botties.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12It's a rather nice thing to know, it puts us all on an equal footing.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15Next time you look at George Osborne saying something grand about
0:24:15 > 0:24:18the economy, say, "You started life, and continued life, as an arsehole."
0:24:18 > 0:24:21- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - So, there you are.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26Now, this is very exciting,
0:24:26 > 0:24:29because, we have a very special finale tonight.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33Tonight, entirely alone, without the aid of a safety net,
0:24:33 > 0:24:37I am going to do something that has never been done by any human being
0:24:37 > 0:24:40since the beginning of time.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42AUDIENCE: Woo!
0:24:42 > 0:24:43- Yes!- Rash claim.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45And all I need is... this.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47"A simple pack of cards." No.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51All I need is, indeed, a simple pack of cards.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54What I'm going to do is shuffle them. I'll shuffle this pack.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57There are different ways of shuffling, as you know,
0:24:57 > 0:24:58there's the overhand shuffle...
0:24:58 > 0:25:02- Shut up!- ..like that.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05There is your standard riffle, which just...riffle
0:25:05 > 0:25:07- and push the cards together. - ALAN APPLAUDS
0:25:07 > 0:25:10Everyone can do that... wait, wait, wait! I haven't come to it yet.
0:25:10 > 0:25:13And then there's the weave, which is rather more pleasing.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15Some people can do a weave that's so accurate,
0:25:15 > 0:25:17they actually go A-B-B, A-B, A-B, A-B, like that.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20And there, that gives you nice little fan, like so.
0:25:20 > 0:25:23It's a beautiful thing.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26And now I have produced a pack of cards...
0:25:26 > 0:25:30and that pack of cards, ladies and gentlemen, believe it or not,
0:25:30 > 0:25:33has never before, in the history of our planet, been in that order.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37It's never been in that order before.
0:25:37 > 0:25:38How can you possibly know that?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41How can we know that? It's a simple mathematical fact.
0:25:41 > 0:25:46The order of cards is a gigantic number.
0:25:46 > 0:25:51It's a number which is known by mathematicians as "shriek".
0:25:51 > 0:25:53You write it as "52!" You'll know this.
0:25:53 > 0:25:5552 factorial.
0:25:55 > 0:26:02It's 52 factorial, which is 52 times 51, times 50, times 49, times 48...
0:26:02 > 0:26:06These are all the possibilities in which a pack of cards can be.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Just 52 of them. And that number is big.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11It's this big. Look how big this number is.
0:26:11 > 0:26:16That number is so big that, were you to imagine
0:26:16 > 0:26:20that if every star in our galaxy had a trillion planets,
0:26:20 > 0:26:24each with a trillion people living on them, and each of these people
0:26:24 > 0:26:27had a trillion pack of cards,
0:26:27 > 0:26:31and somehow they managed to shuffle them all 1,000 times a second,
0:26:31 > 0:26:34and they'd been doing that since The Big Bang,
0:26:34 > 0:26:37they would only just now be starting to repeat shuffles.
0:26:37 > 0:26:43So, I can say, with all the mathematical certainty that is possible,
0:26:43 > 0:26:47that this pack of cards has never been in this order before.
0:26:47 > 0:26:50It's an absolute world first!
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Wow, very good.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54APPLAUSE
0:26:59 > 0:27:03I know that seems amazing, but that number tells it all. It is astonishing.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05And I have done something, as I say,
0:27:05 > 0:27:08that has never been done by any human being before.
0:27:08 > 0:27:10I've produced this pack of cards in this order.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13And for that I'm going to award myself some points, so there.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17Anyway, that comes to the scores, I think.
0:27:17 > 0:27:22We'll go in reverse order from... Well, from last to first.
0:27:22 > 0:27:27It's actually marvellous. We don't have a single minus number.
0:27:27 > 0:27:28We don't even have a zero.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Everybody's on a plus!
0:27:30 > 0:27:33We have, equal,
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Dara, Jo and Alan with one point.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38APPLAUSE
0:27:43 > 0:27:46In a clear second place, with 16, is John Sessions!
0:27:46 > 0:27:48APPLAUSE
0:27:52 > 0:27:55But the clear winner, with 52 shriek,
0:27:55 > 0:28:0052 times 51, that number you saw, is me!
0:28:00 > 0:28:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:09 > 0:28:13Well, that's all from John, Dara, Jo, Alan and me.
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Thank you, be utterly lovely unto each other, and goodnight.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19APPLAUSE
0:28:39 > 0:28:42Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd