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0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language.

0:00:28 > 0:00:31APPLAUSE

0:00:31 > 0:00:34Goo-oo-oo-oo-ood evening, good evening,

0:00:34 > 0:00:39good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome,

0:00:39 > 0:00:44welcome to an episode of QI that is all about jeopardy.

0:00:44 > 0:00:47Joining me to fight crime, fear and disorder tonight,

0:00:47 > 0:00:50Wonder Woman, Julia Zemiro.

0:00:50 > 0:00:51Yes.

0:00:55 > 0:00:58A Super Girl, Sue Perkins.

0:01:02 > 0:01:05A Boy Wonder, Ross Noble.

0:01:08 > 0:01:13And our own Danger Mouse, Alan Davies.

0:01:18 > 0:01:21So, buzzers, please. Julia goes...

0:01:21 > 0:01:24PSYCHO STABBING THEME

0:01:24 > 0:01:25Oh, that's jeopardy.

0:01:25 > 0:01:27And Sue goes...

0:01:27 > 0:01:29JAWS THEME

0:01:29 > 0:01:31Ooh.

0:01:31 > 0:01:33SHE PRESSES IT AGAIN

0:01:33 > 0:01:36Yeah. Definitely worth doing twice. Ross goes...

0:01:36 > 0:01:39DRAMATIC SURPRISE MUSIC

0:01:39 > 0:01:41And Alan goes...

0:01:41 > 0:01:44VEHICLE REVERSE WARNING

0:01:44 > 0:01:45LAUGHTER

0:01:45 > 0:01:48Well, they are quite dangerous, vehicles, yeah, good choice.

0:01:48 > 0:01:51Yes, absolutely. Well, we must be vigilant, because danger stalks us

0:01:51 > 0:01:54from the moment we wake up to the moment we retire.

0:01:54 > 0:01:58How far can you go on a cup of Joe? Hmm?

0:01:58 > 0:02:01- Cup of Joe being an Americanism for? - Java coffee?- Coffee?

0:02:01 > 0:02:04- Coffee, a cup of coffee, yeah. - I thought it was an insane cat.

0:02:04 > 0:02:07That you could actually ride on the back of Joe.

0:02:07 > 0:02:10- That is a caffeine-crazed cat, yes. - That's a flat white too many

0:02:10 > 0:02:13- for that little kitty. - It is rather, isn't it?

0:02:13 > 0:02:16How far you can actually go in terms of energy?

0:02:16 > 0:02:20- Is that what you...?- It's actually it's more literal than that.

0:02:20 > 0:02:22If you're carrying a cup of coffee,

0:02:23 > 0:02:26how far can you go before you spill it?

0:02:26 > 0:02:29This is all down to a science. What is the science of

0:02:29 > 0:02:32- the movement of liquids called? Do you know?- Wobble-ology.

0:02:32 > 0:02:34Fluid...

0:02:34 > 0:02:36- ..dynamics.- Yes.

0:02:36 > 0:02:39- It's a whole science. - Of course.- Oh, fluid dynamics!

0:02:39 > 0:02:41It's a whole science and a most important one

0:02:41 > 0:02:44and much has been discovered as a result of fluid dynamics.

0:02:44 > 0:02:48It is a very useful and fruitful area of discovery.

0:02:48 > 0:02:51One of the things they've discovered

0:02:51 > 0:02:53is that the average human stepping pace

0:02:53 > 0:02:55happens to cause an oscillation,

0:02:55 > 0:02:59which means that between seven and ten steps,

0:02:59 > 0:03:01you are going to spill the coffee.

0:03:01 > 0:03:04You will set up a series of wave movements that means

0:03:04 > 0:03:06the furthest you can go is probably about ten steps

0:03:06 > 0:03:09before you will definitely have spilled some coffee.

0:03:09 > 0:03:11This is the Mrs Overall effect.

0:03:11 > 0:03:13Yeah, exactly. Exactly. They suggest a flexible container

0:03:13 > 0:03:16as a sloshing absorber,

0:03:16 > 0:03:19with a series of annular ring baffles.

0:03:19 > 0:03:21So they're suggesting the...

0:03:21 > 0:03:24Annular ring baffles!

0:03:24 > 0:03:28That's a character in The Hobbit, surely. Mr Ring Baffles.

0:03:28 > 0:03:30That sounds like space.

0:03:30 > 0:03:33I'll tell you what, the amount of times my annular has been baffled.

0:03:33 > 0:03:37- Oh, dear. I'm always down the hospital.- Baffle your ring sir?

0:03:37 > 0:03:38Yeah.

0:03:38 > 0:03:41- It's a bit of a tautology, because annular means ring-like anyway.- Yes.

0:03:41 > 0:03:44- So it's a bit silly. - Annular ring baffle?

0:03:44 > 0:03:47You used to take the baffle out of your exhaust pipe to make it

0:03:47 > 0:03:50- louder when I was a teenager. - Baffling is sound muffling,

0:03:50 > 0:03:53but it's also absorbing waves and that's essentially the same thing.

0:03:53 > 0:03:57Because if you're muffling sound, you're absorbing the waves.

0:03:57 > 0:04:00So if you put a baffle in your anus, that'll make you have quiet farts.

0:04:00 > 0:04:02LAUGHTER

0:04:02 > 0:04:04An arse silencer.

0:04:04 > 0:04:06I suppose so. I suppose it would.

0:04:06 > 0:04:08Until pressure builds up to such a stage...

0:04:08 > 0:04:12- And then you're potentially lethal. - You could have someone's eye out

0:04:12 > 0:04:14in the aisle at Waitrose, which you wouldn't want.

0:04:14 > 0:04:18- No.- But there have been more obviously useful...

0:04:18 > 0:04:20Baffle your ring, sir?

0:04:20 > 0:04:23There have been more useful applications for this

0:04:23 > 0:04:27business of whole... this whole resonance business of building

0:04:27 > 0:04:32up frequencies that cause oscillations that can be dangerous.

0:04:32 > 0:04:34And have you seen Albert Bridge in London?

0:04:34 > 0:04:36There's a sign leading from Chelsea.

0:04:36 > 0:04:39There it is. It's a famous sign, it's a rather beautiful one,

0:04:39 > 0:04:42"All troops must break step when marching over this bridge."

0:04:42 > 0:04:45- Why would that be? - Something to do with an oscillation.

0:04:45 > 0:04:48Yeah, exactly. If you're marching in rhythm,

0:04:48 > 0:04:50"Chunk, chunk, chunk, chunk, chunk,"

0:04:50 > 0:04:53you might set up a resonance that would cause the bridge to collapse.

0:04:53 > 0:04:57That's why Michael Flatley can never get north of the Thames.

0:04:57 > 0:04:58LAUGHTER

0:04:58 > 0:05:02That's a true, it's a true reason. He's furious.

0:05:02 > 0:05:05He's always wanted to go to Madame Tussauds.

0:05:05 > 0:05:09Right now he's at the Elephant and Castle going, "I can't believe it, I want to go and see the Queen

0:05:09 > 0:05:11"and I just can't get over there."

0:05:11 > 0:05:12"It's a bleedin' nightmare..."

0:05:12 > 0:05:15Shocking state of affairs. And the fact that...

0:05:15 > 0:05:17Good, well, I think we've...

0:05:17 > 0:05:19LAUGHTER

0:05:19 > 0:05:24Now, what's smaller than the moon and keeps moving the sea around?

0:05:24 > 0:05:26Smaller than the moon.

0:05:26 > 0:05:28Is it a seal on caffeine?

0:05:29 > 0:05:31No.

0:05:31 > 0:05:32Is it one of our other moons?

0:05:32 > 0:05:35No, it's not a moon of any kind, it's not a celestial body.

0:05:35 > 0:05:37- It's a marine creature. - Like a big whale?

0:05:37 > 0:05:39Yes?

0:05:39 > 0:05:40This better be the blue whale.

0:05:40 > 0:05:42It so is not the blue whale.

0:05:43 > 0:05:46Is it an animal that lives in the sea

0:05:46 > 0:05:48that moves the sea with its mass?

0:05:48 > 0:05:51Yes, ultimately, with its combined mass, not its individual mass.

0:05:51 > 0:05:53- Is it plankton? - PSYCHO STABBING THEME

0:05:53 > 0:05:56Many many many fish, like a school of, a school of...

0:05:57 > 0:06:00Fish.

0:06:00 > 0:06:05No, it actually accounts for forty percent of the biomass of the ocean.

0:06:05 > 0:06:06Algae.

0:06:06 > 0:06:09- No, it's amazingly not. - Cola tins.- But it's not a fish.

0:06:09 > 0:06:12No. We call it a fish, but it isn't a fish. No.

0:06:12 > 0:06:15- Jellyfish.- Jellyfish is the right answer.- Ah, genius right here.

0:06:15 > 0:06:17It's quite extraordinary.

0:06:17 > 0:06:20Now, it used to be believed that a jellyfish propelled

0:06:20 > 0:06:23itself by squirting water out of the back, as it were,

0:06:23 > 0:06:26by jet propulsion, but it's been discovered by the scientists

0:06:26 > 0:06:29at Caltech that it's actually slightly more complex.

0:06:29 > 0:06:32And what these jellyfish do is,

0:06:32 > 0:06:35they essentially cause an enormous amount of the water at the top,

0:06:35 > 0:06:39which is oxygen rich, to go down to the bottom,

0:06:39 > 0:06:41and a lot of the water at the bottom,

0:06:41 > 0:06:44which is full of nutrients, to go to the top.

0:06:44 > 0:06:47And they keep the circulation of the water extremely healthy.

0:06:47 > 0:06:51And they might contribute a trillion watts of energy,

0:06:51 > 0:06:54which is easily as much as wind or tidal pull.

0:06:55 > 0:06:58And they also mix the cold with the deep warm water at the surface.

0:06:58 > 0:07:00I've got one I put in the bath

0:07:00 > 0:07:03- so I don't have to do that. - Yeah, that would do it.

0:07:03 > 0:07:04Just chuck it in the end...

0:07:04 > 0:07:05Yeah. My God!

0:07:05 > 0:07:08"Up your end, get back up your end, I don't want stinging."

0:07:08 > 0:07:11So they're like the mixer tap of the ocean.

0:07:11 > 0:07:13It's a very good way of putting it.

0:07:13 > 0:07:18But they can be malign as well - it so happened in 1982

0:07:18 > 0:07:22that a ship had in its bilge water a particular one called

0:07:22 > 0:07:27the Mnemiopsis leidyi, which is a comb jelly, from North America,

0:07:27 > 0:07:31and they arrived and had no local predator.

0:07:31 > 0:07:35In less then a decade, the population had reached

0:07:35 > 0:07:39a biomass of one billion tonnes in the Black Sea,

0:07:39 > 0:07:41which is where they were.

0:07:41 > 0:07:44And one billion tonnes is ten times the weight of all the fish

0:07:44 > 0:07:47we catch every year around the world.

0:07:48 > 0:07:49And it destroyed everything.

0:07:49 > 0:07:52Fortunately, then an another carnivorous jellyfish arrived,

0:07:52 > 0:07:56and it only eats the Mnemiopsis and so it ate them all,

0:07:56 > 0:07:58and once it had eaten them all,

0:07:58 > 0:08:00the balance was restored and fish returned.

0:08:00 > 0:08:03Just one of these things turned up?

0:08:03 > 0:08:07- No, a few in the bilge water of a ship.- And it ate the lot.

0:08:07 > 0:08:09No, enough to breed, but my God did they breed.

0:08:09 > 0:08:12Isn't that extraordinary, those just little jellyfish that look so kind

0:08:12 > 0:08:17of light and nothingness are forty percent of the biomass of the ocean.

0:08:17 > 0:08:22I think that's quite interesting. How many jellyfish are there here?

0:08:22 > 0:08:25- In that picture?- Yeah.

0:08:25 > 0:08:28What, is it one with a very flamboyant hat on?

0:08:28 > 0:08:30KLAXON

0:08:30 > 0:08:32- Oh!- Ah, dear.

0:08:32 > 0:08:35Sorry, where are the words "with a flamboyant hat on"?

0:08:35 > 0:08:38It was the one that was enough. But it is a flamboyant hat.

0:08:38 > 0:08:41The flamboyant hat gives it its name.

0:08:41 > 0:08:43Portuguese Conquistadors wore hats like that.

0:08:43 > 0:08:45They didn't have many in Croydon.

0:08:45 > 0:08:48They didn't, no. But...

0:08:48 > 0:08:49Is it a Man O' War?

0:08:49 > 0:08:52A Portuguese Man O' War is what it is, but it's not...

0:08:52 > 0:08:55I'll give you a clue that it's not a jellyfish.

0:08:55 > 0:08:58And it isn't even a single creature.

0:08:58 > 0:09:02A Portuguese Man O' War is not one animal. It's a colony of animals.

0:09:02 > 0:09:06- Oh, God.- Aaah.- That operate together as one, with incredible...

0:09:06 > 0:09:09- Like the Borg. - Yes, we are Borg, exactly.

0:09:09 > 0:09:12We are Borg. We are jellyfish.

0:09:12 > 0:09:14Why isn't it called the Men O' War then?

0:09:14 > 0:09:16I know, because originally people didn't understand that

0:09:16 > 0:09:19and so they called it the Portuguese Man O' War,

0:09:19 > 0:09:21it looked like a Portuguese helmet on the top.

0:09:21 > 0:09:24The inflatable bladder along the top is one creature,

0:09:24 > 0:09:28which provides buoyancy, and works as a sail.

0:09:28 > 0:09:32The tentacles are separate and carry the coiled, spring-loaded

0:09:32 > 0:09:38harpoons, which have the most incredible speed.

0:09:38 > 0:09:41They explode in 700 billionths of a second,

0:09:41 > 0:09:45which is the fastest known animal mechanism on earth.

0:09:45 > 0:09:46And very painful.

0:09:46 > 0:09:51And there are other creatures that make part of this colony.

0:09:51 > 0:09:55Gastrozooids, which digest the food, and gonozooids,

0:09:55 > 0:09:57which are the gonads, the sexual reproduction part of it.

0:09:57 > 0:09:59- They're separate?- They are.

0:09:59 > 0:10:02The stomach floats along and then you've got the gonads behind.

0:10:02 > 0:10:05- Yeah.- So the stomach's looking for its bollocks, essentially.

0:10:05 > 0:10:09It's called a Siphonophore, that kind of a creature,

0:10:09 > 0:10:11and because they drift passively,

0:10:11 > 0:10:15they collect in vast herds of thousands or so.

0:10:15 > 0:10:17And that's why the appearance of one is enough to

0:10:17 > 0:10:19clear an Australian beach, as you probably know,

0:10:19 > 0:10:22because one tends to mean there are going to be lots.

0:10:22 > 0:10:23And the sting is very painful.

0:10:23 > 0:10:26Ten thousand Australians a year, on average,

0:10:26 > 0:10:29receive a Portuguese Man O' War sting. Not pleasant.

0:10:29 > 0:10:31- Toughens you up though.- Exactly.

0:10:31 > 0:10:32I mean, that's life, isn't it?

0:10:32 > 0:10:35One day it'll toughen you up enough to win a test match against us.

0:10:35 > 0:10:40AUDIENCE GASPS AND APPLAUDS

0:10:40 > 0:10:43- Sorry. Come on. - Yeah, that's it.

0:10:44 > 0:10:48How many times in history have I been in a position

0:10:48 > 0:10:50to be able to say that? Not many.

0:10:50 > 0:10:53- Oh, I know, and I enjoyed it, so much.- Exactly.

0:10:53 > 0:10:57A Man O' War can hurt you, but not kill you.

0:10:57 > 0:10:59But what is Australia's deadliest creature, in fact?

0:10:59 > 0:11:00PSYCHO STABBING THEME

0:11:00 > 0:11:02Rupert Murdoch.

0:11:02 > 0:11:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:11:11 > 0:11:13- After Rupert Murdoch. - So sorry about that.

0:11:13 > 0:11:15And the fact he came here. Yeah, sorry.

0:11:15 > 0:11:17Yeah. Excluding a member of the human race,

0:11:17 > 0:11:20which I'm not sure whether that does or not, but anyway.

0:11:20 > 0:11:22Is it the spiders, the funnel web, the red back?

0:11:22 > 0:11:24KLAXON

0:11:24 > 0:11:26It's not that. Spiders.

0:11:26 > 0:11:29- It's going to be something on the road.- It's the box jellyfish.

0:11:29 > 0:11:31- KLAXON - It's not, that is a nasty creature.

0:11:31 > 0:11:34- But they stop your heart. - Is it people?- Is it rabbits?

0:11:34 > 0:11:36Is it rabbits running in front of utes,

0:11:36 > 0:11:39- or some sort of some sort of... - You're right that most

0:11:39 > 0:11:43of the deaths caused by animals in Australia are caused on the road.

0:11:43 > 0:11:45- The animal that is most responsible...- Crocodile?

0:11:45 > 0:11:48(DRAMATIC) Is it man?

0:11:48 > 0:11:50The most deadly of all the creatures?

0:11:50 > 0:11:52DRAMATIC SURPRISE MUSIC

0:11:53 > 0:11:56- Snakes.- Shark.- No.

0:11:56 > 0:11:57KLAXON

0:11:57 > 0:11:59- I was not born there. - Is it the domestic cat?

0:11:59 > 0:12:02It's not the domestic cat, though in the year under,

0:12:02 > 0:12:03the sample year we're taking,

0:12:03 > 0:12:06one human being in Australia was killed by a cat that year.

0:12:06 > 0:12:08But 128...

0:12:08 > 0:12:11A cunning plan, executed skilfully and quietly.

0:12:11 > 0:12:13- Yeah.- It's the road, the road's involved.

0:12:13 > 0:12:16- Often the road is involved. - Are the people in a car at the time?

0:12:16 > 0:12:18- Sometimes yes, but... - Oh, a kite, is it the...

0:12:18 > 0:12:21But sometimes they're on the animal involved.

0:12:21 > 0:12:23- They're on the animal.- Horses? - Oh, horse.

0:12:23 > 0:12:24It's a horse, yes.

0:12:24 > 0:12:27- A horse, more people are killed by horses than...- Really?

0:12:27 > 0:12:29- Oh, ho!- Oh, it's a very angry horse there.

0:12:29 > 0:12:30That is a very angry horse.

0:12:30 > 0:12:33- He needs a dental hygiene appointment ASAP.- It does.

0:12:33 > 0:12:35Yeah, because they fall off and break their neck or

0:12:35 > 0:12:38indeed they cause car crashes, and so on.

0:12:38 > 0:12:41And horses kill three times more than the ones you've mentioned.

0:12:41 > 0:12:43We lived in Australia, my wife bought a horse

0:12:43 > 0:12:46and she was desperate to try and get me to ride, right.

0:12:46 > 0:12:49She said, "I've bought a horse, it's docile, you'll be fine."

0:12:49 > 0:12:53- They never are.- Well, no, actually the problem was it was too docile.

0:12:53 > 0:12:57What happened was it ended up being studied by Melbourne University

0:12:57 > 0:13:00because, yeah, because it was one of the few horses

0:13:00 > 0:13:06that was... medically got narcolepsy.

0:13:06 > 0:13:09So I swear to God, no...

0:13:09 > 0:13:13It's one of the rare cases of a narcoleptic horse.

0:13:13 > 0:13:15So she buys this horse and she says...

0:13:15 > 0:13:18She couldn't work out why every time,

0:13:18 > 0:13:21when she was grooming it, it would get heavier and it would just...

0:13:21 > 0:13:23LAUGHTER

0:13:23 > 0:13:25"Oh, oh, eh, woah!" Like that.

0:13:25 > 0:13:27And so she couldn't groom it, because it would fall on her.

0:13:27 > 0:13:32So she says to me, "It's fine, the horse is narcoleptic, get on it."

0:13:32 > 0:13:34And so I got on it, in full motorbike gear, because

0:13:34 > 0:13:40I wasn't taking any chances, and I sat on this horse and it started

0:13:40 > 0:13:43to just, and you know normally you kick a horse to make it go.

0:13:43 > 0:13:45This one, you kicked it and it would go, "What? Eh?"

0:13:45 > 0:13:48Like that, to wake it up.

0:13:48 > 0:13:52And sometimes it would fall asleep against the electric fence.

0:13:52 > 0:13:56So it would go, it would go like that, "Ha, hey, ha, ho, ho!"

0:13:56 > 0:13:58It's like Jack Douglas from the Carry On Films.

0:13:58 > 0:14:01Yeah. It was amazing, narcoleptic horse.

0:14:01 > 0:14:04- Oh, well, that's my kind of horse, frankly.- Yeah.

0:14:04 > 0:14:07But it is the horse that turns out to be the deadliest animal,

0:14:07 > 0:14:10How would you defend yourself against this beast?

0:14:11 > 0:14:15- Oi!- Oh.- What the hell is that?- Yeah.

0:14:15 > 0:14:18- What is it, Stephen? I can't... - It's a dinosaur.- Yeah.

0:14:18 > 0:14:21It's a dinosaur called Fruitadens haagororum.

0:14:21 > 0:14:24- It's a weird looking dinosaur. - It is a weird looking one.

0:14:24 > 0:14:26It's a friendly looking one, strangely.

0:14:26 > 0:14:29Well, if you ignore the massive great spear it's got for a tail.

0:14:29 > 0:14:31- That is pretty big. - It's got a lovely fringe though.

0:14:31 > 0:14:34- It's got a mohawk. - It's actually feathered, in fact.

0:14:34 > 0:14:38- Oh, feathered fringe.- And it has front fangs upwards, very unusual.

0:14:38 > 0:14:41- Front fangs and a feathered fringe? - Front fangs and a feathered fringe.

0:14:41 > 0:14:42Are you Ronnie Barker?

0:14:45 > 0:14:49The surprising thing about it, I suppose, is that we have this

0:14:49 > 0:14:52view of dinosaurs, which is largely to do with their size.

0:14:52 > 0:14:54The way to deal with that would be

0:14:54 > 0:14:56just to squash it with your foot, because it's tiny.

0:14:56 > 0:14:59It's absolutely... it's basically about four inches tall.

0:14:59 > 0:15:02It's the smallest dinosaur we know about.

0:15:02 > 0:15:05Tiny-winy little dinosaur. Absolutely, four inches, that's it.

0:15:05 > 0:15:09- So was it a herbivore? An omnivore? Aaah.- Aah.

0:15:09 > 0:15:12Paris Hilton would have that in a flash.

0:15:12 > 0:15:15Yeah, exactly. It's about the size of a Chihuahua. A tiny Chihuahua.

0:15:15 > 0:15:19It ate plants and worms and some people think frogs, possibly.

0:15:19 > 0:15:21It lived in the late Jurassic period,

0:15:21 > 0:15:23a hundred and fifty million years ago,

0:15:23 > 0:15:27dodging between the legs of all the Allosauruses and Brachiosauruses.

0:15:27 > 0:15:30It's called "Fruitadens"

0:15:30 > 0:15:33because the first fossilised remains of one were found in Fruita,

0:15:33 > 0:15:37which you may remember is a town in Colorado, which gave the world

0:15:37 > 0:15:41Mike the Headless Chicken, who was a hero of a QI episode some years ago.

0:15:41 > 0:15:42Oh yes, Mike the Headless Chicken.

0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Though it's a bit of a coincidence. - He lived for years.

0:15:45 > 0:15:48So it's probably a scavenger.

0:15:48 > 0:15:50It was the dinosaur equivalent of a rat, probably.

0:15:50 > 0:15:52But no dinosaur was bigger than what?

0:15:52 > 0:15:55What is the biggest living creature that has ever existed on the planet?

0:15:55 > 0:15:58The T-Rex? Or that giant tall one there.

0:15:58 > 0:16:01No, I said no dinosaur was ever bigger than the biggest living...

0:16:01 > 0:16:03- Oh, I see.- The whale. - The blue whale,

0:16:03 > 0:16:05it was your chance with the blue whale, Alan!

0:16:05 > 0:16:07AUDIENCE SYMPATHISES

0:16:07 > 0:16:11The blue whale is bigger than any dinosaur. I know.

0:16:11 > 0:16:14Ooh. Bummeroony. I'm so sorry.

0:16:14 > 0:16:16But there still are very small reptiles,

0:16:16 > 0:16:19I've been to Madagascar and had one, a brookesia chameleon, a pygmy chameleon,

0:16:19 > 0:16:22and I've had one right on my finger and you can see that.

0:16:22 > 0:16:25They are absolutely, they are perfect, perfect chameleons.

0:16:25 > 0:16:27Was it tasty?

0:16:27 > 0:16:28Aaah.

0:16:28 > 0:16:30Here's a question, if you ate a chameleon...

0:16:30 > 0:16:32It was just the most beautiful thing.

0:16:32 > 0:16:35Went for a night walk in the woods and came across it.

0:16:35 > 0:16:37Obviously incredibly easy to miss.

0:16:37 > 0:16:40And they sit there quite happily on your finger.

0:16:40 > 0:16:43They are perfect chameleons, their eyes do the thing of swivelling in all directions.

0:16:45 > 0:16:50Now, which fairground ride is most dangerous - the Wall of Death,

0:16:50 > 0:16:54the Wheel of Death, the Death Slide

0:16:54 > 0:16:57or the Euthanasia Coaster?

0:16:59 > 0:17:01Well, I'd go for the latter, but that's just,

0:17:01 > 0:17:05- I've been on a Wall of Death. - Yes, what is a Wall of Death?

0:17:05 > 0:17:07That's the bike where you go up and there's a...

0:17:07 > 0:17:09- What keeps you, what keeps you from falling?- Sticky tape.

0:17:09 > 0:17:12LAUGHTER

0:17:12 > 0:17:15It's a lot of fun, my dad detached his retina.

0:17:15 > 0:17:17- Woah, seriously?- Yeah. - No!- Yeah, on the...

0:17:17 > 0:17:20What, before he got on, he went, "Right, here we go, hey!"

0:17:21 > 0:17:24My sister went on one of those, right,

0:17:24 > 0:17:26at the Cramlington Carnival and as it was going around,

0:17:26 > 0:17:31there was a kid next to her with a goldfish in a bag and it exploded.

0:17:31 > 0:17:33- Ah.- Oh, no!

0:17:33 > 0:17:36But the trouble is, he couldn't do anything about it,

0:17:36 > 0:17:39she couldn't do anything about it, so they're on there like that,

0:17:39 > 0:17:41"Wey hey!" and it went, "Boof!" like that.

0:17:41 > 0:17:44And the two of them just sort of go, "Woah!" like that.

0:17:44 > 0:17:46As it slowed down, "Blurgh," and then, yeah.

0:17:46 > 0:17:47Poor little goldfish.

0:17:49 > 0:17:52The Wall of Death was first seen in Coney Island in 1915.

0:17:52 > 0:17:55There have been a few reported accidents but no fatalities,

0:17:55 > 0:17:59- and we can add to that list, two detached retinae.- Yeah.

0:17:59 > 0:18:00The Wheel of Death is slightly

0:18:00 > 0:18:03harder to describe, a circus apparatus double rotation thing.

0:18:03 > 0:18:08The Death Slide is really better known as a zip wire.

0:18:08 > 0:18:11But you are right that in theory the most deadly of them

0:18:11 > 0:18:13all is the Euthanasia Coaster.

0:18:13 > 0:18:15It's a project of an art student in London called

0:18:15 > 0:18:18Julijonas Urbonas, a Lithuanian PHD student.

0:18:18 > 0:18:21It exists as a 1:500 scale model, and you can see there,

0:18:21 > 0:18:25the idea is that the ride would last three minutes.

0:18:25 > 0:18:29A two minute ascent to the very, very top, it's 1,600 foot.

0:18:29 > 0:18:31- Oh, God!- So very, very high.

0:18:31 > 0:18:34You then have a minute's 223mph plunge

0:18:34 > 0:18:37down into those rolls like that, during which you're

0:18:37 > 0:18:41pulling ten G's, and that would kill the rider through what's called

0:18:41 > 0:18:44cerebral hypoxia, in other words, deprivation of oxygen to the brain.

0:18:44 > 0:18:48- Have Chessington World of Adventure bought it?- No, they haven't.

0:18:48 > 0:18:53He believes his design offers a humane and meaningful death.

0:18:53 > 0:18:55I don't know quite why it's meaningful.

0:18:55 > 0:18:57- Die like a screaming clown. - That would be amazing,

0:18:57 > 0:19:01- because you could actually build a chapel at the end.- Yes.

0:19:01 > 0:19:04- And the family could just sit there. - Absolutely.

0:19:04 > 0:19:07And then the best thing of all is, after the funeral,

0:19:07 > 0:19:09you get a picture of your loved one, like that.

0:19:09 > 0:19:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:19:17 > 0:19:21- On a handy key ring. - Have it on mugs, anything you want.

0:19:21 > 0:19:24Well, he believes that the ascent offers the chance for reflection

0:19:24 > 0:19:27and the riders can still pull out once they've reached the top.

0:19:27 > 0:19:31If not, death is painless, quick and apparently euphoric.

0:19:31 > 0:19:33Though how they know, I don't know.

0:19:33 > 0:19:37There's one in Auckland, one of those ball things that you

0:19:37 > 0:19:40sit in and you have the bungee straps and they fire you up the top.

0:19:40 > 0:19:42- Oh, my goodness. - But they make you wear like

0:19:42 > 0:19:43one of those surgical mask things.

0:19:43 > 0:19:47And I said, why are they wearing the surgical masks?

0:19:47 > 0:19:50And apparently, because it's right next to an office building,

0:19:50 > 0:19:54people are trying to work and you hear, "Arrrgh!"

0:19:54 > 0:19:58Like this. And it was putting them off. So now it's kind of, "Wargh."

0:19:58 > 0:20:02So some bloke's going, "Well, our predicted sales over the next..."

0:20:02 > 0:20:04"Waaargh!"

0:20:06 > 0:20:08Vomit on the windows.

0:20:08 > 0:20:10I'm always fascinated why people love that feeling.

0:20:10 > 0:20:12I mean, roller coasters when I was a kid,

0:20:12 > 0:20:15it was like, "Argh," and that was it. But now they're so extreme.

0:20:15 > 0:20:19- Yeah. They really are.- I don't get the kind of exhilaration of it.

0:20:19 > 0:20:21No. I've bungee jumped and that was so exciting,

0:20:21 > 0:20:24I immediately had to do it again, I absolutely loved it.

0:20:24 > 0:20:26What about the guy who made his own bungee jump?

0:20:26 > 0:20:28That was stupid.

0:20:28 > 0:20:31- I think he won a Darwin Award. - Oh, dear.

0:20:31 > 0:20:33He made his own bungee jump with a rope.

0:20:33 > 0:20:36LAUGHTER AND DISBELIEF

0:20:36 > 0:20:37So, just hung himself.

0:20:37 > 0:20:39Well, no, it took his foot off.

0:20:39 > 0:20:41AUDIENCE GASPS

0:20:41 > 0:20:43When the rope went taut, his foot came off.

0:20:43 > 0:20:47- That's just horrific.- That's what the Darwin Awards are all about.

0:20:47 > 0:20:50Yeah, it certainly is. What isn't a blue whale,

0:20:50 > 0:20:55but floats around in the sea and weighs as much as a blue whale?

0:20:55 > 0:20:57Is it an elephant on holiday?

0:20:57 > 0:20:59An elephant doesn't weigh as much as a blue whale.

0:20:59 > 0:21:02- No, it's really...- A ship?

0:21:02 > 0:21:04- No.- Submarine.

0:21:04 > 0:21:06No, it's something that the blue whale consumes.

0:21:06 > 0:21:07- A massive lilo.- Plankton.

0:21:07 > 0:21:10The blue whale can consume its own weight in?

0:21:10 > 0:21:13- Plankton.- Well, actually in water. It dives all the way down

0:21:13 > 0:21:15and then dives up again with its mouth open

0:21:15 > 0:21:17and it swells, and swells, and swells.

0:21:17 > 0:21:20And it literally can take on 90 tonnes of water.

0:21:20 > 0:21:22Quite a staggering sum.

0:21:22 > 0:21:23Got to love a blue whale.

0:21:23 > 0:21:26- That's right, we do love them. - That's one thirsty mother.

0:21:26 > 0:21:28They can actually take in something their size.

0:21:28 > 0:21:30Not to swallow, as you know, because,

0:21:30 > 0:21:32- as we've discussed... - The grapefruit issue.

0:21:32 > 0:21:35A grapefruit is the biggest thing they can get down their gullet.

0:21:35 > 0:21:39But they get this gigantic amount of water inside them. Really amazing.

0:21:39 > 0:21:41And they go really deep and no one's been able to go

0:21:41 > 0:21:43deep enough to find out what they do until very recently.

0:21:43 > 0:21:46- Just gossiping.- Just gossiping. That's right.

0:21:46 > 0:21:49"Ooh, kaa." "Really?"

0:21:49 > 0:21:52Having quizzes in which people say, "Is the answer Alan Davies?"

0:21:52 > 0:21:55Yeah.

0:21:55 > 0:21:59The water in a blue whale's mouth weighs as much as a blue whale does.

0:21:59 > 0:22:04Why shouldn't you mess with the maxillofacial death pyramid?

0:22:04 > 0:22:06Is it cos it's got the word "death" in it?

0:22:06 > 0:22:10That is a hint, the maxillofacial death pyramid.

0:22:10 > 0:22:12- Call it the fun pyramid. - Maxillofacial means?

0:22:12 > 0:22:16Maxillofacial is who you go to see when you get a broken cheekbone.

0:22:16 > 0:22:19- Yeah, exactly. it is the maxillary area, the jaw.- It's the top jaw.

0:22:19 > 0:22:22But it's, the maxillary, the pyramid is actually sort of there,

0:22:22 > 0:22:24from the bridge of the nose down through...

0:22:24 > 0:22:26It's like a facial Bermuda Triangle.

0:22:26 > 0:22:27There it is, yeah, yeah.

0:22:27 > 0:22:31And it's basically about blood flow from the brain down,

0:22:31 > 0:22:34if you've got little infections and things, it goes down through

0:22:34 > 0:22:36there and then gets sorted out by the immune system.

0:22:36 > 0:22:39What can happen if you pick your nose and your spots

0:22:39 > 0:22:42and things, is you can get bacteria in it that sort of block it

0:22:42 > 0:22:46and force it all the way back up into the brain.

0:22:46 > 0:22:49Meningitis is an example of that, and syphilis indeed is.

0:22:49 > 0:22:53- From picking your nose?! - Not from picking your nose...

0:22:53 > 0:22:56- Good God!! - Yeah, that's how you get syphilis.

0:22:56 > 0:22:59It does, it slightly depends on what you're picking it with!

0:22:59 > 0:23:02LAUGHTER

0:23:02 > 0:23:04That's how you explain it to the wife.

0:23:04 > 0:23:09"No, I was just picking my nose, love. Must have spread."

0:23:09 > 0:23:11Yeah. That's something to tell the children.

0:23:11 > 0:23:13Well, there you are.

0:23:13 > 0:23:16Now, making hydrogen with nails

0:23:16 > 0:23:19and drain cleaner would be a very jolly jape indeed, don't you think?

0:23:19 > 0:23:21- Yes, I think so.- So, let's try it.

0:23:21 > 0:23:24To prove that it's hydrogen, I'm going to have to set fire it.

0:23:24 > 0:23:26And I'm going to set fire to it on my own hand,

0:23:26 > 0:23:27first of all I'm going to have

0:23:27 > 0:23:29a basin of water, I'm going to put here,

0:23:29 > 0:23:33to dip my hand in, to wet it so I don't burn myself too badly.

0:23:33 > 0:23:36And then I have my really...

0:23:36 > 0:23:37Oh, hello.

0:23:37 > 0:23:42Made a mistake, sorry, man in my ear furious with me.

0:23:42 > 0:23:47"What are you fucking doing?! Put the water down!

0:23:47 > 0:23:51"Do this properly or you will die, do you understand?!"

0:23:52 > 0:23:56- No... - "Start again, for fuck's sake!"

0:23:56 > 0:23:58LAUGHTER

0:23:58 > 0:24:01He was much gentler, very sweet. So, anyway.

0:24:01 > 0:24:05I've been told to tell you not to try this at home.

0:24:05 > 0:24:08- Try it in someone else's home. - Yeah.

0:24:09 > 0:24:12The fire exits are there, and there.

0:24:12 > 0:24:14What I've got here is I've got some ordinary

0:24:14 > 0:24:17green coloured washing-up liquid.

0:24:18 > 0:24:21We're not allowed to mention it's Fairy. Its name.

0:24:21 > 0:24:24And I've got a little chemical lab, I don't know what you call

0:24:24 > 0:24:27- this little...- Flask. - Flask, I think is the word.

0:24:27 > 0:24:30Oh, this is like going on a picnic with Heston Blumenthal.

0:24:30 > 0:24:33- LAUGHTER - It's got some nails in it and I'm going to add a few more,

0:24:33 > 0:24:35a little bit of zinc.

0:24:35 > 0:24:39And I've got here, this is the hydrochloric acid, very strong.

0:24:39 > 0:24:41When are you going to put on the safety goggles, Stephen?

0:24:41 > 0:24:43Now, cos I'm about to open the bottle of acid.

0:24:43 > 0:24:46"Put the fucking safety goggles on!"

0:24:47 > 0:24:51Not only that, but I've also got, I've also got a...

0:24:51 > 0:24:54- I've also got a mask. Here we go.- What about us?!

0:24:54 > 0:24:57Sorry, can I just ask, you're putting on safety goggles?

0:24:57 > 0:25:01- Yeah! - You're putting on a mask.

0:25:01 > 0:25:02What's the story here?

0:25:02 > 0:25:04Yeah, you're fine, you're expendable.

0:25:04 > 0:25:07I may have the mask upside down.

0:25:07 > 0:25:09"Got the fucking mask upside down!"

0:25:11 > 0:25:13Right, OK. I've got the goggles, I've got this.

0:25:13 > 0:25:19Now what I'm going to do, all right, is I'm going to pour this acid.

0:25:19 > 0:25:21Jesus, onto some nails?!

0:25:21 > 0:25:22- Into the nails, that's right.- Why?

0:25:22 > 0:25:25The zinc and the hydrochloric acid will react.

0:25:25 > 0:25:27- Has he been drinking? - Yeah. He's been drinking that.

0:25:27 > 0:25:30Oh, there we go. And that's, that's going to produce quite a lot.

0:25:30 > 0:25:32- It's going towards me! - It's blowing our way!

0:25:32 > 0:25:36I now have to put this, I have to put this cork in it.

0:25:36 > 0:25:39- Geez!- If I put the cork in it tight enough,

0:25:39 > 0:25:43it will come out of here, and I put this in here and it will bubble up.

0:25:43 > 0:25:46Right, that's important.

0:25:48 > 0:25:51- If you say so.- The bubbles are made of hydrogen.

0:25:51 > 0:25:54And the only way to prove it is to grasp the bubbles,

0:25:54 > 0:25:57I'm going to wet my hand now, to be safer. And grasp these bubbles.

0:25:57 > 0:26:00What the hell is that? It looks like a sex cactus.

0:26:00 > 0:26:02And I'm going to go...

0:26:02 > 0:26:04Oh, God!

0:26:06 > 0:26:08APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:26:08 > 0:26:11Really exciting. Really exciting.

0:26:12 > 0:26:14We can try that again.

0:26:14 > 0:26:16Oh, yeah.

0:26:16 > 0:26:18- Let's get even more bubbles. - That is great.

0:26:18 > 0:26:20Stephen's goggles are so steamed up, he's completely blind!

0:26:20 > 0:26:24- Oh, come on, oh, work, lighter. - Anyone got a light?

0:26:24 > 0:26:28- Oh the lighter's stopped working. - APPLAUSE

0:26:28 > 0:26:31Let's try it again, one more.

0:26:31 > 0:26:33Wet your hand again, you didn't wet it.

0:26:33 > 0:26:35- You didn't wet the hand. - Come on. Bloody lighter!

0:26:35 > 0:26:38- Expelliarmus!- Oh. Oh there we go.

0:26:38 > 0:26:41- We'll take that off now. - Wow!

0:26:41 > 0:26:44- I've made hydrogen, ladies and gentlemen.- Wow.

0:26:44 > 0:26:46APPLAUSE

0:26:46 > 0:26:50- Wow.- How very exciting. - Pretty exciting. Let's cover that.

0:26:50 > 0:26:54"Put the lid on the acid!"

0:26:54 > 0:26:58There we are. We can let all the hydrogen disappear.

0:26:58 > 0:27:03And our wonderful science elf said, he said, he's so scientific,

0:27:03 > 0:27:07he said, "And don't touch that because it's exothermic."

0:27:07 > 0:27:10- It just means it's hot. - Hot, it's hot.

0:27:10 > 0:27:13- Had to say "exothermic." - That's a smell, that's quite the...

0:27:13 > 0:27:16- Can you smell?- Pretty whiffy. - Yes.- Pretty eggy whiffy.

0:27:16 > 0:27:18Well, a bit of hydrogen sulphide probably in there,

0:27:18 > 0:27:21that might kill you, of course. But let's hope not.

0:27:21 > 0:27:26Let's hope at least you survive until we get to the scores.

0:27:26 > 0:27:31Well, I have to say, sadly, in last place...

0:27:31 > 0:27:32Is it that bad?

0:27:32 > 0:27:33It's down wind.

0:27:33 > 0:27:36Well, especially now I know it's potentially fatal. Yes, it is!

0:27:38 > 0:27:42No, it's not hydrogen sulphide. It's just hydrogen.

0:27:42 > 0:27:45So, I'm afraid in last place, but it's a very creditable last place,

0:27:45 > 0:27:49and only just, with minus 16, is Julia Zemiro. Oh!

0:27:49 > 0:27:52- APPLAUSE - Thank you.

0:27:55 > 0:27:59And through some extraordinary good fortune, avoiding final place,

0:27:59 > 0:28:01third place with minus 14, Alan Davies.

0:28:01 > 0:28:04- Thank you very much. - Highly respectable.

0:28:04 > 0:28:06APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:28:06 > 0:28:09And, my goodness, it's tight at the top,

0:28:09 > 0:28:12with minus seven, in second place, Ross Noble.

0:28:12 > 0:28:15APPLAUSE

0:28:16 > 0:28:19So, that can only mean that our winner,

0:28:19 > 0:28:24with a magnificent minus six, is Sue Perkins.

0:28:24 > 0:28:30APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

0:28:30 > 0:28:32So, it's goodnight from Sue, Ross, Julia, Alan and me.

0:28:32 > 0:28:34Now, you come back soon now, you hear?

0:28:34 > 0:28:36Do that thing and be lovely to each other. Goodnight.

0:28:59 > 0:29:02Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd