0:00:31 > 0:00:34Goooooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:34 > 0:00:37good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening
0:00:37 > 0:00:42and welcome to QI, where tonight we are playing for Keeps.
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Keeping his eye on the ball, Jason Manford.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Keeping her ear to the ground, Sarah Millican.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:53 > 0:00:57Keeping his nose to the grindstone, Bill Bailey.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:59 > 0:01:04And keeping his pecker up, in spite of everything, Alan Davies.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:08 > 0:01:13And I'll be keeping the peace, everything on track and the score.
0:01:13 > 0:01:15So, jeepers creepers, let's hear your peepers.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Jason goes...
0:01:16 > 0:01:21# Keep on movin'. #
0:01:21 > 0:01:22Sarah goes...
0:01:22 > 0:01:25# Keep on runnin'
0:01:25 > 0:01:27# Keep on hidin'. #
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Bill goes...
0:01:29 > 0:01:30# Keep on rockin'
0:01:32 > 0:01:33# Keep on rockin'. #
0:01:35 > 0:01:38- Nice. Nice. - And Alan goes...
0:01:38 > 0:01:41# We'll keep a welcome in the hillsides... #
0:01:41 > 0:01:43Nice.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46The voice of your forefathers there, the ancestors, isn't it,
0:01:46 > 0:01:48"keeping a welcome in the hillside," isn-at?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50So, before we start...
0:01:50 > 0:01:54- Were they Pakistanis? - Stop it, stop it. Stop it right now.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56I'm going to lay down the law.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57Like Teacher's first day at school -
0:01:57 > 0:01:59he's strict, just so that people are afraid of him.
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Yes.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03Authority has got to be laid down. I'm not going to have... Right.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Yes. How's that going?
0:02:05 > 0:02:07Oh, Sir's trying to get all 'umpty...
0:02:07 > 0:02:09- Yes.- ..before we start.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- WELSH ACCENT: - Mocking my Welsh accent.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16That wasn't even Northern Europe.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT: It was from Cape Town.
0:02:17 > 0:02:21A welcome to the valleys in Cardiff.
0:02:21 > 0:02:25It was my acc-ccent. You stop halfway through, isn't it?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27"Isn't it?" Yes.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29You've gone all street now.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32"I stop halfway through, innit? Yeah, it's like that."
0:02:32 > 0:02:36- Right, OK. All right. - "Stephen Fry, yeah. QI, that's it."
0:02:38 > 0:02:41Anyway, an easy K series question to start us going.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44I still think in pounds and ounces,
0:02:44 > 0:02:47but what unit does modern science use to measure weight?
0:02:47 > 0:02:48Kilograms?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50ALARM BLARES
0:02:50 > 0:02:51- GROANING - Oh, come on!
0:02:51 > 0:02:54- There you go.- First word! - First word!
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Kilograms, no. What does "kilogram" weigh?
0:02:56 > 0:02:582.2 pounds.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01What does it measure, I meant to say?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- What does the kilogram measure? - Weight.- Weight.- No.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- Water.- Kilograms.- It measures water. - Water.
0:03:06 > 0:03:08- No.- Grams.- Rucksacks.- No?
0:03:08 > 0:03:09There are a thousand grams in a kilogram,
0:03:09 > 0:03:11but what is it actually measuring?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13- What...?- In my case, a crying lady.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15LAUGHTER
0:03:15 > 0:03:17What quantity - what aspect of a thing or an object does it measure?
0:03:17 > 0:03:19Hatred. Hatred and vileness.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Bile. Bile.
0:03:22 > 0:03:23Sarcasm. I don't know.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25- No.- Perversion.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27No.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30- Mass.- Valium.- Mass! It's mass.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- How many points does he get for that? - A few.- Oh, right.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35Yeah. You, I'm afraid, get taken away a few.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- I don't mind. - You're in minus already.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40But you can get your points back if you can tell me what weight is measured in.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42So this is the time I shouldn't say kilograms again?
0:03:42 > 0:03:46- Yeah, it doesn't begin with K.- OK. - No.- No.
0:03:46 > 0:03:47- Anyone in the audience?- What?
0:03:47 > 0:03:48- AUDIENCE MEMBERS:- Newtons.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51They're good. Our audience is better than the average, let's be honest.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54- Newtons is the answer.- Newtons. - I was going to say that!
0:03:54 > 0:03:56- You were going to say it? - Say it now, edit. Say it now.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58# Keep on rockin'.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00Newtons.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- CHEERING - By the time you said it, they're "old-tons", I'm afraid.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Oh, yeah, I see what you did there.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07No, the weight is the force resulting from gravity of mass,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09and that is how it acts on the earth, is as weight.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13- And, of course, it varies according to the amount of gravity. - That's right.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15- Which is why it's not a constant. Which is why...- It varies.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17If you're in a lift, even, you weigh slightly less.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20It sounds weird, but it's slightly less when you're dropping,
0:04:20 > 0:04:22and slightly more when you're going up.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25If you stood on scales, if you were using them for weight...
0:04:25 > 0:04:27On the scales in my bathroom, when the batteries start going,
0:04:27 > 0:04:29because it's only got three digits,
0:04:29 > 0:04:32it says...it starts the word "error", so it says "E-R-R".
0:04:32 > 0:04:36But then when you get on it, it just goes, "err".
0:04:36 > 0:04:38"Eeerrrrr!"
0:04:38 > 0:04:40It's like them not really wanting to tell you.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43How much do I weigh? "Err, well..."
0:04:45 > 0:04:49I don't have bathroom scales, I've just got kitchen scales.
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Well, you could try the...
0:04:50 > 0:04:52But I have measured bits of me on them.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Let me guess which bits. Really?
0:04:54 > 0:04:55- The left one's heavier.- Is it?
0:04:55 > 0:04:59- By how much?- Some newtons.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02Very good. Very good.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05The kilogram is the only metric measure
0:05:05 > 0:05:07that still relies on a physical object,
0:05:07 > 0:05:12which is called the international prototype kilogram.
0:05:12 > 0:05:13And where do you think it's kept?
0:05:13 > 0:05:16Is it kept in the National Physics Laboratory?
0:05:16 > 0:05:18The National Physical Laboratory. No, it isn't.
0:05:18 > 0:05:22- The Queen. The Queen has it? - There is a replica of it in the National Physical Laboratory.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24- Here is... - Geneva. Everything's in Geneva.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25There you go.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29Do we have Ian Robinson from the National Physical Laboratory?
0:05:29 > 0:05:32He's raising his hand. Hello. This belongs to you, yes?
0:05:32 > 0:05:34IAN: It belongs to NPL, yes.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37And this is a replica of the original IPK, yeah?
0:05:37 > 0:05:38It's the same size,
0:05:38 > 0:05:41but it weighs 400g, rather than a kilogram.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- Weighs or has mass of...? - Its mass is 400g.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Don't make me a liar.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48And this is what's inside the case.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50It's so incredibly susceptible
0:05:50 > 0:05:53to either adding weight to it or taking weight away -
0:05:53 > 0:05:56the acidity of the fingers, the addition of dust -
0:05:56 > 0:05:57the original is...
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Well, where did the metric system originate?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01POSH ACCENT: Builth Wells.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03- I don't know, France. - France. You do know, you see?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05- Of course, of course, yes. - Of course you know.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08It's actually outside Paris - near Sevres, where porcelain comes from. Yes.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10It's made out of platinum iridium.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12And they're worried that
0:06:12 > 0:06:14it's put on the weight of a small grain of sand
0:06:14 > 0:06:19over the period since it was first made, in 1879.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21So they're going to change... they're going to change -
0:06:21 > 0:06:23next year, possibly, or 2014 -
0:06:23 > 0:06:26to using Planck's universal quantum constant
0:06:26 > 0:06:27instead of the physical one.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Thank God for that. Phew!
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Then they won't have to worry about bits of dust.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34- What a worry as well, yeah. - Yeah, what a worry.- What a worry.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36Thank you, Ian Robinson and the National Physical Laboratory.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- Yeah, thank you very much. - Thank you for your time.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44Is there different parts of the world, though, you could go and weigh more or less?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- If you went to areas of great... - Yes, on the equator, you...
0:06:46 > 0:06:49America. We'd all weigh less there, wouldn't we?
0:06:49 > 0:06:50That's a comparative scale.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53Yeah. And light - how much does light weigh?
0:06:53 > 0:06:55And does sound weigh more than light?
0:06:55 > 0:06:57You've got a bit of sound there and a bit of light,
0:06:57 > 0:06:58you wouldn't...do that?
0:06:58 > 0:07:00No.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03That's a bit suggestive, really, isn't it?
0:07:03 > 0:07:06Can you get in the bed before you put the light out?
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- Ah, that's true, isn't it? Yeah.- Yes.
0:07:08 > 0:07:13Turn the light switch off and then get into bed before it went dark.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16- Difficult, but it can be done. - It can, yeah.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Didn't Muhammad Ali say that? Didn't he?
0:07:18 > 0:07:21He said he was so fast, he could get into bed before the light went off.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24Yeah, and someone said, "Just get a bedside light."
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- Yeah, exactly. - Or just one of those ones.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27- Do it at the same time. - Oh, one of those.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30Then you can clap when you're in bed, and who doesn't like that?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Ah, yes, but that's very interesting, then, because then the sound...
0:07:33 > 0:07:37- You've just turned the camera off. - What's that? - You've just turned the camera off.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Could you do two? Could you do two now?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41- Thank you.- Oh, sorry.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45We use the same system. We didn't expect anybody to clap.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47What just happened?
0:07:47 > 0:07:48You turned the camera off by clapping.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- Just the whole universe, just..."nyoooom".- Yeah.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54- Nyooom! - Yeah, you're back again now.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56That's it. Don't clap, though.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58Wwwwwhat would happen...?
0:08:01 > 0:08:02If?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04No, I was just saying... It was rhetorical.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06- Oh, I see.- I was just saying...
0:08:06 > 0:08:08- What would happen...? - There's a question.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11"What would happen, Stephen? Discuss."
0:08:11 > 0:08:15- Yes. "Let's see whose house it is." - "..it is."
0:08:15 > 0:08:16Now, we were talking about bits and bytes.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20What is a kilobyte, in fact? How many bytes in a kilobyte?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22- 1,000.- 100,000.
0:08:22 > 0:08:25- 10,000.- 100,000. 1,000,000.
0:08:25 > 0:08:26No, no, that's a gig...
0:08:26 > 0:08:28- 9.- 9!
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- I just like to be different. - 42.- Anyone in the audience?
0:08:31 > 0:08:33- MAN IN AUDIENCE:- 1,024.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36- ALARM BLARES - Oh, the audience gets a big penalty.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40GUFFAWS
0:08:41 > 0:08:45Unfortunately... Unfortunately, our team...
0:08:45 > 0:08:46In your face!
0:08:46 > 0:08:50..our team isn't intelligent enough to know the wrong answer.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55You thought it was 2 to the 10, which is a 1,024.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59But actually, according to the International Electrotechnical Commission,
0:08:59 > 0:09:02it is now 1,000, as you said, is the right answer.
0:09:02 > 0:09:03It's 1,000 bytes, and the...
0:09:03 > 0:09:06- So I beat all those people, then? - You did, by sheer fluke.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08But didn't you say "10, 100, 1,000"? You just...
0:09:08 > 0:09:09Yeah, yeah, but I started with a 1,000.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13- You did cover quite a lot of bases. You did start with 1,000. - Yeah.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16There is a new word for 1,024, which is a "kibibyte", which is rather pathetic.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Oh, come on.- I know.- They're just being silly now, aren't they?
0:09:19 > 0:09:23But it's IEC standard 6027-2. There you go.
0:09:23 > 0:09:25I'm sorry about that. It's not my fault.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- No, I'm not blaming you, Stephen, it's just...- I know.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31Now then - finders keepers, losers weepers, right?
0:09:31 > 0:09:33- That's the rules.- Yes, it is.- Yes?
0:09:33 > 0:09:34ALARM BLARES
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Oh, what?! What? Hey, you tricked me!
0:09:39 > 0:09:41You could have said no.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45You... That's...that's a dirty trick, Fry!
0:09:45 > 0:09:48You've done this program long enough to know that dirty tricks are us.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Stephen, I didn't think that even you would stoop...
0:09:50 > 0:09:52- Stoop.- ..so low.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56- Well, I did.- How dare you? - It doesn't work in law.
0:09:56 > 0:09:57If you find lost property
0:09:57 > 0:10:00and don't make reasonable steps
0:10:00 > 0:10:02to discover the person to whom it belongs,
0:10:02 > 0:10:06then that's the crime of theft by finding.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08So just...how does this apply to...?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11If you're in the supermarket, right, and you put some fresh herbs in,
0:10:11 > 0:10:13and you're walking round, "da da-da,"
0:10:13 > 0:10:17all oblivious, thinking no-one's going to mess with your head.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19And then before you get to the checkout,
0:10:19 > 0:10:22someone's nicked the herbs out of your trolley
0:10:22 > 0:10:24and you go back and then there's none left.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- That's a dirty trick, isn't it? - It is a dirty trick.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29- Did this happen today? - That's just immoral bad citizenship.
0:10:29 > 0:10:31But it's not technically theft, though.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33No, that's not theft. It's bad citizenship.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- They weren't yours until you'd paid for them. - No. They were morally mine.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38If they took them after you'd paid... They were morally yours.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- I'd agree with you. - How urgent were the herbs? - Well, they're...
0:10:41 > 0:10:44Look, there was a chilli con carne that was ruined because of that.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Garnish at least.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48If you decked that lady, I don't blame you.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51- Yes, I imagine, yeah...- If you smashed her round the gizzard.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Yeah, smacked her round the head with a tin of tomatoes.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55"Don't do it again!"
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- She's learnt her lesson. - Yeah, that's right.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00So, I mean, if you... Technically, with that rule,
0:11:00 > 0:11:02is if someone's done their full shop
0:11:02 > 0:11:05and then right at the end, they've just wandered off for a tin of something,
0:11:05 > 0:11:07you could go, "Right, I'll have that lot, then."
0:11:07 > 0:11:09- That's brilliant. - That would be so immoral.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11You've sort of stolen their time there.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13So you just follow somebody round the shop
0:11:13 > 0:11:17who looks like they might like what you like, and then...
0:11:17 > 0:11:19This is a wholly different question. I never asked this.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Bill raised it. It's got nothing to do with the question.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24- It's a very important point. - It's an interesting ethical issue.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27I'm applying the ancient law to the modern-day context.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29If you find something on the bus, or on the street...
0:11:29 > 0:11:31Yeah, or if, for example, you're a dry cleaner
0:11:31 > 0:11:33and you find a £20 note in a pair of trousers
0:11:33 > 0:11:35that's taken in, you don't think, "Oh, I can keep that."
0:11:35 > 0:11:38That definitely is theft because you know whose trousers they are.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- Exactly.- But, like, on the bus or something...
0:11:40 > 0:11:42Also, if you found a lottery ticket on the floor
0:11:42 > 0:11:44and it was a winning number and you cashed it in
0:11:44 > 0:11:46and it wasn't yours, you would be committing a crime.
0:11:46 > 0:11:49- You wouldn't care, though. - Yes, you would - it'd be taken away from you.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51- Because you'd be a millionaire. - You wouldn't be paid.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55- You wouldn't get the money. You'd go to court.- You wouldn't. How, though? How would they know?
0:11:55 > 0:11:59Because of the number and the time it was bought and the shop it was bought from.
0:11:59 > 0:12:00- CCTV.- Oh, shit!- So, yeah.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03In 2009, a Wilshire couple got an 11-month suspended sentence
0:12:03 > 0:12:06for doing exactly that - they cashed a winning lottery ticket.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I used to work in a cinema
0:12:08 > 0:12:12and anything that was found on the floor in the screens,
0:12:12 > 0:12:13sort of depending on what it was...
0:12:13 > 0:12:16So if it was an umbrella, it would go in lost property.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17If it was a pound coin,
0:12:17 > 0:12:19it would just... the guy, whoever would just...
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- Conveniently disappear. - Exactly, yeah.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25But there was one time that a pair of used pants were found.
0:12:25 > 0:12:26And they didn't really...
0:12:26 > 0:12:28They sort of took them out on a stick
0:12:28 > 0:12:30and they didn't really know what to do with them.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34And then two weeks later, they got a letter from a man saying,
0:12:34 > 0:12:39"I was in the 11:20 showing of Titanic
0:12:39 > 0:12:42"in Screen 6 on the 23rd of February
0:12:42 > 0:12:45"and I appear to have left my pants.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50"Could you return them to me in the Jiffy bag provided?"
0:12:50 > 0:12:52- Oh, my God! - Oh, I don't know.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55I don't think I'd have put them in a Jiffy.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56If they were used pants,
0:12:56 > 0:13:00they would have gone in one of those things they put nuclear waste in, you know?
0:13:00 > 0:13:02- I think you're right. - A lead-lined casket.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Ugh.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05Well, it is true that
0:13:05 > 0:13:08if you haven't made reasonable attempts to find something,
0:13:08 > 0:13:09well, we know that it's morally wrong...
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- It behoves you to do the right thing. - Yeah. We hope you will.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15But if property is deliberately abandoned, you can keep it.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18Now, let's have a round of Keep Still Or Scarper?
0:13:18 > 0:13:20I'm going to show you some dangerous animals
0:13:20 > 0:13:22and I want you to tell me what you should do -
0:13:22 > 0:13:24stand your ground or skedaddle for the hills?
0:13:24 > 0:13:26- All right?- OK.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29So, let's start with the first animal.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31Here it is. It's a snake.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34With a snake, should you keep still or scarper?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36- # Keep on rockin'. # - Bill?
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- Keep still.- Why?
0:13:38 > 0:13:44Because...you're so terrified of the snake.
0:13:44 > 0:13:48The snake will not attack a moving object.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51- In which case, so you should move. - What?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54You said, "It will not attack a moving object".
0:13:54 > 0:13:55- I mean it will attack.- Right.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57It will attack a moving object.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59It actually forgets you're there if you stand still.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- Yeah.- It will just ignore you. - I get that a lot.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05It's like being married.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Does it depend on how fast you run?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Because if you can run - outrun it...
0:14:09 > 0:14:11They can strike very quickly, and if you're close to it,
0:14:11 > 0:14:14just the act of turning to run would... Like that.
0:14:14 > 0:14:15- Oh, right, OK. - If it felt threatened.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18The best thing to do is stand stock-still and then nothing will happen.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21You'd feel a fool if you stood still and it bit you anyway, wouldn't you?
0:14:21 > 0:14:25- You would. - Your mobile went off or something.
0:14:25 > 0:14:26That's true.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Don't have your mobile on vibrate. That would be the worst...
0:14:28 > 0:14:30They have a marvellous sense of vibration.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32OK, our next ones.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Let's have a look at this little trio harmonising.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35Aww.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38"Aww," you say. "Aww"?! They can tear you to pieces!
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Three of a wolf pack, a wild wolf.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42- When they've finished their song. - So should you keep still?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Should you keep still or scarper?
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- # Keep on movin'. # - Yes, Jason?
0:14:49 > 0:14:52I'm going to say scarper.
0:14:52 > 0:14:55I'm afraid not, no. No, they are "coursing predators".
0:14:55 > 0:14:59They actually tear and eat things on the run.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01So that's how they like to eat.
0:15:01 > 0:15:03You should just shout, throw stones, pebbles, whatever,
0:15:03 > 0:15:06and then back slowly away and you'll be fine.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08Shout at... What...?
0:15:08 > 0:15:10- YELLS GIBBERISH - Like that.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Throw things at them.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- They're not used... - I'm terrified.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16- They're not used to that behaviour. - I'm glad I asked.
0:15:16 > 0:15:20And they're wolves - they just back away going, "He's mental!"
0:15:21 > 0:15:24So what do you do with a monkey? Keep still or scarper?
0:15:24 > 0:15:26- Ah, that's nice, isn't it? - Well, just reason with it.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28How many heads has it got?
0:15:28 > 0:15:29Sign language.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32- Keep still. - Yes, but not dead-still.
0:15:32 > 0:15:35There's a particular open-mouthed, open-lipped...
0:15:35 > 0:15:37- Like dancing? No. - ..thing that you do.
0:15:37 > 0:15:38You bare your teeth.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41A round mouth, bare your teeth. Round.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45- Keep shaking around like that. - That's it, that's it. Raise your eyebrows.
0:15:45 > 0:15:46By the time I've done it, he's killed me.
0:15:46 > 0:15:48And raise your eyebrows.
0:15:48 > 0:15:51That's it. Show your teeth. Raise your eyebrows.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53- What does that mean? - IMITATES MONKEY CHATTER
0:15:53 > 0:15:57- Back off!- That's good.- Back off!
0:15:58 > 0:16:00You have monkeys, don't you?
0:16:00 > 0:16:02- Yes, we have golden-handed tamarinds.- Oh, lovely.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- You just have them round your house? - Do they live in the house easily?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07They live in the house, yeah. We don't let them out.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- Are they house-trained? - Yes, of course.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10- That's amazing.- Yeah.
0:16:10 > 0:16:14I think Jane Goodall discovered when you try and house-train a chimpanzee,
0:16:14 > 0:16:17their intelligence is of a different order, and it's kind of smart but stupid.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20And she had these chimpanzees
0:16:20 > 0:16:21and when one pooed on the floor
0:16:21 > 0:16:24of this little wooden bungalow that she had in Africa,
0:16:24 > 0:16:27what she'd do is, she would make it confront its own poo,
0:16:27 > 0:16:29spank it on the bottom and throw it out of the window.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31- And...- This is ground floor, yeah?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33It's ground... I said "bungalow", yes.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36So she did that twice and then the third time she saw one poo,
0:16:36 > 0:16:40slap its own bottom and jump out of the window.
0:16:40 > 0:16:42- Which is completely logical. - That's amazing.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44That's brilliant.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Thinking it had been really good, and you kind of go...
0:16:47 > 0:16:48That not dissimilar to...
0:16:48 > 0:16:51My daughter's nearly four, right, and...
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Save her embarrassment for future shows.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55She'll be fine. I won't tell you which one. I've got twins.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56- Oh, fine.- And she's...
0:16:56 > 0:16:59There's a point where they're slapping each other and fighting
0:16:59 > 0:17:01and you go, "Right, get on the naughty step."
0:17:01 > 0:17:03And there's a point where she's so annoyed,
0:17:03 > 0:17:06that she will just slap her sister, you know, in the face or whatever,
0:17:06 > 0:17:08and then go and get on the naughty step herself
0:17:08 > 0:17:10and sit there with a face saying, "It was worth it."
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Yeah.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18That's very good. Very good.
0:17:18 > 0:17:19Excellent. Cows?
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Why would you need to?
0:17:21 > 0:17:23Well, you say that, but more than 50 a year,
0:17:23 > 0:17:25injuries caused by cows.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- Really? 50 idiots. - Particularly calving mothers.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32- They can get more aggressive than bulls. - Fair enough, because they've...
0:17:32 > 0:17:34We're afraid of bulls, but actually cows are...yeah.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37But, presumably, if you're putting your arms up a cow's nunny
0:17:37 > 0:17:40to pull a calf out, she's allowed to kick you in the face.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Oh, there'll be a bit of that. I don't think we're talking about that.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- No, we're talking about...- Ramblers.
0:17:45 > 0:17:48Yeah, ramblers, and what happens is, particularly dogs tease them,
0:17:48 > 0:17:50the cow then gets aggressive with the dog and chases the dog
0:17:50 > 0:17:53and the dog, of course, yelps back to its owner.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54And then the cow will butt the owner.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56They crowd you, don't they?
0:17:56 > 0:17:58And then if you fall down, you get trampled.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00- Yeah.- So get the hell out. - So you need to scarper.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02You do need to scarper, is the answer, yeah.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04So, how do you get an ant to keep still?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06- # Keep on hidin'. # - Sarah?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08Stop the music.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12And then... Like that. That's very good.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Do you know, by any chance,
0:18:14 > 0:18:19who was the first person accurately to portray small insects?
0:18:19 > 0:18:21Most famously the flea, which is a very recognisable image,
0:18:21 > 0:18:24which is the cover of his book Micrographia.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27He was a remarkable scientist, town planner,
0:18:27 > 0:18:30he has a law named after him of tension and springs.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33He was a contemporary of Newton and Christopher Wren.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35He was responsible for much of the town planning
0:18:35 > 0:18:37after the Fire of London.
0:18:37 > 0:18:40And he used a microscope to see animals,
0:18:40 > 0:18:42including this little flea.
0:18:42 > 0:18:44And an ant! And there it is.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46He was an amazing artist, as you can see.
0:18:46 > 0:18:51And he describes precisely how he got the ant to keep still.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53He said, "I gave it a gill of brandy,
0:18:53 > 0:18:57"which after a while knocked him down dead-drunk."
0:18:57 > 0:18:59"He struggled..." Wonderful phrase this.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01"..for a pretty while very much."
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Sounds like he was drinking it himself there.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05"For a pretty while very much till at last..."
0:19:05 > 0:19:07- SLURRED:- One for you, one for me. - Yeah.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10"Till at last, certain bubbles issuing out of its mouth,
0:19:10 > 0:19:13"it ceased to move and remained moveless for a good while."
0:19:13 > 0:19:15- "Remained moveless"? - "Moveless", yeah.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Well, it was in 1665, the book came out, Micrographia.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20- Well done.- A gill, by the way, is a quarter of a pint.
0:19:20 > 0:19:21Wow.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23They can hold their booze, can't they, ants?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25- Yeah, they can.- Cooee!
0:19:25 > 0:19:28- Eight times their body weight. - What was this man's name?
0:19:28 > 0:19:29Do you remember?
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- Audience?- "Do you remember?"! - IAN: Robert Hooke.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34Well, yeah, Ian Robinson shouted out.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Ian Robinson is a physicist. That's cheating.
0:19:36 > 0:19:37But, yes, Robert Hooke.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38And he suffered, as many did,
0:19:38 > 0:19:41although he was one of the greatest geniuses who ever lived...
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Isaac Newton was a really thoroughly ghastly man,
0:19:45 > 0:19:48and he particularly hated Hooke and had him erased from history,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51because anybody who wasn't Newton was just not good enough.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53And all the portraits of him, he got rid of,
0:19:53 > 0:19:54because he was so powerful, Newton,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57because he was such a genius and so recognised around the world.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59And an artist named Rita Greer has set herself the task
0:19:59 > 0:20:03of creating more portraits of Hooke than there are of Newton, to redress the balance.
0:20:03 > 0:20:04- Really?- And here's one.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07It's based on meticulously researched likenesses of him.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10There are now 20 in the world, as opposed to 16 of Newton.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14So Hooke has won, though, obviously, Newton was a truly great man.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16So Newton did this, did he? He was a bit of a wrong'n?
0:20:16 > 0:20:18- I'm afraid he was. - A terrible egomaniac.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- Total egomaniac. - Gravity, see, it goes to your head.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23Yeah. Gravity goes to your head!
0:20:23 > 0:20:27He looks like he's had a few gills of whisky there, doesn't he?
0:20:27 > 0:20:29He does a bit, doesn't he? He's a little...bleugh.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31He doesn't look as if he's had much sun.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34SLURRED: "Look, there's two little ants metting in a pub."
0:20:34 > 0:20:38"Hello!" "Would you like a brandy?"
0:20:38 > 0:20:39"Arghhhh."
0:20:43 > 0:20:47"I love you." "No, I love YOU."
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Well, there you go.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52How hard is it to be a nude model?
0:20:53 > 0:20:56LAUGHTER
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Don't you remember that, Alan?
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- I do not remember that. - Oh, that was a good night.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07It's the woman second from the left
0:21:07 > 0:21:10who seems to be, uh, most enjoying the view.
0:21:10 > 0:21:14- The one with the orange scarf. - Was it cold? Were you being...?
0:21:14 > 0:21:17She's going to need a bigger pad than that, I tell you.
0:21:19 > 0:21:23They're all just drawing sections of you, aren't they?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25"I'll do the helmet."
0:21:25 > 0:21:27"Yeah. Oh, you're all right there, yeah."
0:21:27 > 0:21:29Were you being funny there, or...?
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- That's not really him. - Oh, it's not real? Oh!
0:21:31 > 0:21:33No, we cleverly made it up.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35- I assumed...- Bless you.
0:21:35 > 0:21:37..that you would be funny naked. I'm sorry, Alan.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39You assumed he'd be funny naked?
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Well, that's what I can see. I'm sorry.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- Yes. You say what you see.- Yeah.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47But there is actually a Register of Artists' Models -
0:21:47 > 0:21:50"RAM" - that looks after the interests of models,
0:21:50 > 0:21:53and it thinks the idea that life modelling is a breeze is completely wrong.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56To keep still for a long while is very, very hard.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- You get pins and needles and cramp.- Yeah. - Pins and needles, cramp.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00You have to do one thing at a time.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02You start with short poses called "gestures" -
0:22:02 > 0:22:04bold action-oriented poses - which are used as a warm-up.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06You go two minutes, then five minutes
0:22:06 > 0:22:07and then eventually 30-plus.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09There's more work for women than men.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11The classes prefer them
0:22:11 > 0:22:13and there are more of them in the market, it appears.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16And in 1998, a man called George Bond
0:22:16 > 0:22:19took Northampton College to an industrial tribunal,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22claiming that he was not being employed on the basis of his gender
0:22:22 > 0:22:24and that it was sexual discrimination.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27In fact, they were able to demonstrate that it was personal,
0:22:27 > 0:22:30and the reason was he couldn't hold a pose, he fidgeted,
0:22:30 > 0:22:33went to the loo too often, had a background in erotic films,
0:22:33 > 0:22:35which troubled the A-level students,
0:22:35 > 0:22:38particularly one 16-year-old at whom he winked when she was drawing.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41- What with? What did he wink with? - They claimed he was...
0:22:41 > 0:22:42Oh, don't say that!
0:22:42 > 0:22:45- "What did he wink with?!" - GROANING AND LAUGHTER
0:22:49 > 0:22:50My little eye.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Having said that, he explained to them
0:22:52 > 0:22:54that he didn't have glasses so he was squinting,
0:22:54 > 0:22:57but he did also improvise a pose which involved sticking his bottom into the air,
0:22:57 > 0:23:00which was described by some students as giving "an unfortunate view".
0:23:00 > 0:23:03- So...- They didn't want him. They didn't want him there.
0:23:03 > 0:23:06- They didn't want to draw him. - They just didn't want George there.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08- Get out, George. - So he lost the case.
0:23:08 > 0:23:09But there are contentious issues
0:23:09 > 0:23:12described by the Register of Artists' Models,
0:23:12 > 0:23:15and the contentious issues include
0:23:15 > 0:23:18raids on studios by amusing non-art students
0:23:18 > 0:23:20who just want to see a nudey person.
0:23:20 > 0:23:21- Ah, yes.- Which is very silly.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25A warning against passing window cleaners.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27And their policy is to suspend any member -
0:23:27 > 0:23:29that's an odd way of phrasing it -
0:23:29 > 0:23:31who gets an erection during a sitting.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- When I say "Suspend any member"... - "Suspend a member".
0:23:34 > 0:23:36- I mean...- Right, OK, yeah. - From a great height.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38You'd suspend yourself, wouldn't you?
0:23:38 > 0:23:39..are forced out of the Register.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41You'd have to say, "All right, I'll get my coat."
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- Right, yeah. - And then just hang it over the...
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Is that like being struck off, then, is it?
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Yes. Basically, it is, yeah.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50You can't ever be a nude model if you can't control yourself.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54You can't ever be. Absolutely. Well, there you are, that's RAM.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Now a question about keeping quiet.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59- SOFTLY:- How quiet is the quietest place in the world?
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- Well quiet.- Well quiet.
0:24:03 > 0:24:08Is it...? There's an anechoic chamber somewhere in America.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10Yes, there is. There's one in Britain too.
0:24:10 > 0:24:11- And there's one here?- Yeah.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Which is... It's completely devoid of all sound.
0:24:13 > 0:24:17- And it sort of absorbs sound when you go in it.- That's right.
0:24:17 > 0:24:19It's at the University of Salford,
0:24:19 > 0:24:23and it is minus 12.4 decibels.
0:24:23 > 0:24:24As you can see there,
0:24:24 > 0:24:27it's got all these sort of wedges and things to stop any kind of echoing.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Actually there's a hemi-anechoic chamber,
0:24:30 > 0:24:32with a reverberation chamber as well,
0:24:32 > 0:24:34in the National Physical Laboratory,
0:24:34 > 0:24:38and I went there and I recorded myself popping a balloon,
0:24:38 > 0:24:40first in the reverberation chamber
0:24:40 > 0:24:42and then in the hemi-anechoic chamber,
0:24:42 > 0:24:44which is slightly less than a full anechoic,
0:24:44 > 0:24:46but it's still pretty bloody amaze-oid.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Did I just say "amaze-oid"? How tragic.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50You really did.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52Oh, God, I'm sad. Hang on.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56- ECHOING RECORDING OF STEPHEN: - 'I am in the reverberation chamber.'
0:24:58 > 0:25:00'It's extraordinary.'
0:25:01 > 0:25:03'Wow!'
0:25:03 > 0:25:07'Arrgh! I'm going to burst the balloon now.'
0:25:08 > 0:25:10EXTENDED ECHOING POP
0:25:11 > 0:25:14- So remember that. - Right. That's the balloon.
0:25:14 > 0:25:17That's the reverberation chamber. OK, it's still going.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21- 'Gee, that was fantastic!' - LAUGHTER
0:25:23 > 0:25:24'Just an ordinary ickle balloon!'
0:25:24 > 0:25:27You were off your face in there, weren't you?
0:25:27 > 0:25:31- ECHOLESS RECORDING:- 'And now I am in a hemi-anechoic chamber.'
0:25:31 > 0:25:35- 'Here we go. Three, two, one.' - SHARP POP
0:25:36 > 0:25:38Isn't that incredible?
0:25:38 > 0:25:41'It's a dead flat sound. How exciting is that?'
0:25:41 > 0:25:44- There we are. That's it. - That is amazing.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50Thank you. Thank you to the National Physical Laboratory.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52So, who has the world's biggest mouth?
0:25:52 > 0:25:54- Blue whale.- Oh!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56SIREN BLARES
0:25:56 > 0:25:58It wouldn't be QI, would it, Alan?
0:25:58 > 0:26:01Oh, the strange thing is, you're so close.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04The blue whale's the biggest animal on earth that's ever been.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06The second-biggest has the biggest mouth, oddly enough.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Another whale? A different sort of whale?
0:26:08 > 0:26:10It's another whale, yes. It's usually found in the Arctic.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12- Oh, right.- Under the ice pack.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14It's a hugely slow animal, beautiful.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17One was found recently that had an 1870s harpoon in it.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19It was still alive. They live a very long time.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21- Good gosh.- Huge things.
0:26:21 > 0:26:25They've got a lovely smile on their face that is curved, bit like a bow.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27So they're known as...?
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Bowhead whales.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Aren't they marvellous?
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Beautiful. The idea of killing them is just...
0:26:32 > 0:26:34But they have the most blubber of any whale.
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- That's probably why he's not so happy.- Yeah.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40The bowhead has a unique organ in its mouth.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42There's really nothing quite like it.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44The only thing you could say is like it, frankly...
0:26:44 > 0:26:46Those are its baleen plates -
0:26:46 > 0:26:49the sort of hairy feathery bits that it sieves food with.
0:26:49 > 0:26:50Wow.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53But the bit underneath it isn't a tongue, it's actually more like a penis.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55- And I know that sounds silly, but it's...- Sounds great.
0:26:55 > 0:26:56Well, yes...
0:27:01 > 0:27:04I was supposed to just think that, sorry.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05It's fine.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07It is a sort of material.
0:27:07 > 0:27:10I mean, a fleshy material that engorges...
0:27:11 > 0:27:16..it engorges with blood and becomes absolutely huge with blood.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18- Erect.- And erect, in its mouth. - Yes.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21And it cools it, because it takes all the blood right up
0:27:21 > 0:27:23and it pushes it out and gets the water over it.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26So when it overheats, all this water goes...
0:27:26 > 0:27:28..and all its blood is in its sort of mouth cock,
0:27:28 > 0:27:30if you can call it that.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34- We SHALL call it that.- The way of cooling the mouth.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35SARAH CACKLES
0:27:35 > 0:27:37The way of cooling its brain.
0:27:37 > 0:27:41It's the corpus cavernosum maxillaris, is its proper name.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- "Mouth cock".- But it's a tissue... - "Mouth cock."
0:27:43 > 0:27:46It opens the mouth, the Arctic water flows in.
0:27:46 > 0:27:49- Mouth organ.- Cools the organ. - Yeah.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51- "Mouth organ"! That's much better. - There you go.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53And that cools its brain.
0:27:53 > 0:27:55So it's a kind of 12-foot-long penis in its mouth.
0:27:55 > 0:27:5812-foot-long, I mean, it's like a lamppost in length.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01I don't think he's a member of the RAM society.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03No, I don't think he is.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06- So it's like its own thermostat, then, really. So it's...- Yes.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08- Yeah.- Absolutely, a cooling system. - Oh, OK.
0:28:08 > 0:28:12So, anyway, there's your bowhead whale.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15Now, that brings us to the business of the scores.
0:28:15 > 0:28:17Oh, I say, damn, it's close.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20In first place, with minus 7, it's Bill Bailey!
0:28:20 > 0:28:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:25 > 0:28:29- And second-equal, with minus 9, it's Jason and Sarah.- Oh, wow!
0:28:33 > 0:28:36Fourth place, with minus 10, is the audience!
0:28:37 > 0:28:39Yes!
0:28:40 > 0:28:44But our runaway loser, with minus 27, is Alan Davies.
0:28:47 > 0:28:48Good work.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55So, it's thanks from Sarah, Jason, Bill, Alan and me.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57You all keep in touch now, you hear? Goodbye.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd