0:00:23 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:35Gooooooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening
0:00:35 > 0:00:41and welcome to QI, for a show that is unashamedly kinky.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45Joining me on the top shelf at the newsagent's tonight are...
0:00:45 > 0:00:48dominatrix Janet Street-Porter.
0:00:48 > 0:00:49APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:53Nun-on-the-run Sandi Toksvig.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56APPLAUSE
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Naughty vicar Johnny Vegas.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:08And kinky Tinky Winky, Alan Davies.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10APPLAUSE
0:01:12 > 0:01:16Right, but before we get down to business, I want you all to give me the horn.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Janet goes...
0:01:17 > 0:01:21BUZZER: You've been a very naughty boy!
0:01:21 > 0:01:22LAUGHTER
0:01:22 > 0:01:23Sandi goes...
0:01:23 > 0:01:25WHIP CRACKS
0:01:25 > 0:01:26LAUGHTER
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Johnny goes...
0:01:27 > 0:01:29SCREAM
0:01:29 > 0:01:30LAUGHTER
0:01:30 > 0:01:32And Alan goes...
0:01:32 > 0:01:36MUSIC: "Match Of The Day Theme"
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Whatever floats your boat. Now, on with our first question.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Describe the technique of the world's greatest kisser.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- Was there a contest?- There was. - An actual winner?
0:01:45 > 0:01:49- There was, and there was a winner. Yeah.- Was it a human, or an animal?
0:01:49 > 0:01:51It was a human.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53Have you been kissed by an animal, ever? Janet?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Mmmmm... A donkey, maybe.
0:01:56 > 0:02:00- I've kissed a...- But only in a non-sexual...- You didn't know?
0:02:00 > 0:02:05Do you know, a tiny, tiny bit of bile came up in the back of my throat.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09This was a competition, and as you might imagine,
0:02:09 > 0:02:12if cliche were piled upon cliche, which nationality would win?
0:02:12 > 0:02:14- Scandinavia?- The Italians. Italian.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17The Scandinavians, the Italians. No, the...
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- The French?- Les Francais. Oui. - Oh, it was the French.- It was the Francais.
0:02:20 > 0:02:25- I'm thinking it's the Scottish. - Have you found them particularly good oscillators?
0:02:25 > 0:02:29No, I just did a quick survey in my head.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32And I could only remember four countries.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34And it certainly wasn't the Australians.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36No. No. No.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38His name was Andre Brule,
0:02:38 > 0:02:41he was a famous actor in the first part of the 20th century.
0:02:41 > 0:02:44A rather stylish actor. And there was a competition.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47It was just after the First World War, and it was in Biarritz.
0:02:47 > 0:02:5180 participants as far away as Russia and America took part.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55And American kisses were described as...? Flaccid.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- Oh.- I would have said forceful.
0:02:57 > 0:03:02Forceful, no, you would have thought Russians were eruptive.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05Italians - burning, which you'd think was good.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Ardent is another word for burning, ardent kisses.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10I'm still on "erupting" kisses, what are those like?
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- I've no idea. Volcanic.- Yes.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15That was the bit of sick in the back of your throat.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17That's not where you think you're getting a normal kiss
0:03:17 > 0:03:20and they stick their tongue out and you weren't expecting it?
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Oh, that can happen, yeah, I know.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28Or you kiss something and you put your hands up and you shout "Bingo!"
0:03:28 > 0:03:33- But I'm afraid the word that was described for English kisses is almost all too predictable.- Cheap.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Oh, wet.
0:03:37 > 0:03:41- Frigid.- Wet.- Moist.- Frigid?- Tepid. - Tepid.
0:03:41 > 0:03:42GROANING
0:03:42 > 0:03:46I know, wonderful! How disappointed as a nation we are.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Spanish were vampirish or "vampeerish", however you would say it.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Vampire-like. But the winner, who,
0:03:51 > 0:03:55although he was a Frenchman, French kisses were described as chaste.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- Which is most unsurprising.- Really? Because French kissing is...- French kissing itself is far from chaste.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02- ..is 'cataglysm'. - It's cataclysmic. Exactly.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- The actual word for it is 'cataglysm'.- Is that what they call it?
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Yes, and it's something pigeons do, bizarrely. Who knew?
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- When you see two pigeons billing and cooing...- Cooing.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Yes, they're actually sticking their tongue down each other's...
0:04:13 > 0:04:17- Not swopping pigeon milk, which is...?- No, it's better to say to somebody
0:04:17 > 0:04:19if you want a French kiss, "Do you mind if we do a bit of 'catagylsm'?"
0:04:19 > 0:04:24- They're bound to say yes, because they've no idea what it is. - You may be thinking of cataglottism?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- Cataglottism!- Which is the tongue, the glot. Cataclysm is a disaster.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31- No, I think you misheard me, it's my Danish accent. - Oh, I see, right! Cataglottism.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Can I ask Sandi a question about the pigeons?
0:04:34 > 0:04:36- Yes.- Do they have sex through their mouths?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- No, no, no, it's...- Well, how do they have sex, just by the way?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- The normal way. - In the normal way, they have a...
0:04:41 > 0:04:43The normal way, yes, is this news to you?
0:04:43 > 0:04:48I know you've been married a few times, but you don't have children, do you?
0:04:48 > 0:04:51No, I don't have children, but I've never had sex with a pigeon
0:04:51 > 0:04:53- either, I just couldn't see which bit...- Can I just say that...
0:04:53 > 0:04:57Call yourself a Londoner!
0:04:57 > 0:05:01The pleasure of Janet questioning two homosexuals on this subject is just a...
0:05:01 > 0:05:03- Yes, it's true.- I'd love to see you do a nature show.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06They're doing it! They're doing it! No, they're feeding.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09Do you have any familiarity with anything kinky, though?
0:05:09 > 0:05:14Yeah, I once had a boyfriend who said he wanted me to tie him up
0:05:14 > 0:05:17and be a dominatrix, and he booked a suite in a hotel
0:05:17 > 0:05:20and ordered a load of drinks,
0:05:20 > 0:05:24and just as the butler brought the drinks, he got out a dildo and
0:05:24 > 0:05:29a pair of handcuffs, so I had to sit on both sex toys at the same time.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- Oh, my God!- Anyway... - Sit on the handcuffs?
0:05:32 > 0:05:36I sat on everything! I didn't want me to be associated with all this hardware.
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- No. Oh, to sit on them to hide them. Sorry.- Yes!
0:05:39 > 0:05:43LAUGHTER
0:05:44 > 0:05:47Sorry. Were they furry handcuffs, the...?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50No, they were normal ones, and in the morning when he was asleep,
0:05:50 > 0:05:54- I just handcuffed his foot to the end of the bed and left.- Wow!
0:05:54 > 0:05:58You shouldn't have made him finish your book first.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Hello?
0:06:01 > 0:06:04- Is it just men in the kissing competition?- Yes, it was.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07- I suppose they wouldn't have had women showing off their kissing technique.- No.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11- That would have been thought to be appalling.- Not in those days, exactly.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- So what was he kissing, the back of his hand?- No, women, but HE was kissing THEM, it wasn't
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- a mutual kiss, if you see what I mean.- Oh.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20He GAVE them kisses. The idea was, he would grab their waist and push himself down.
0:06:20 > 0:06:25The whole thing was almost like a sort of ballet dance. It was not about the actual sort of long snog,
0:06:25 > 0:06:27it was about the elegance with which you did it.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29And that's where he won his awards.
0:06:29 > 0:06:30And there's a very famous photograph,
0:06:30 > 0:06:33you probably know, of a similar kiss, which is
0:06:33 > 0:06:36amazingly evocative of a great victory, VJ Day.
0:06:36 > 0:06:41- Oh, the one with the sailor and the...- The sailor and the woman in New York, which is hugely famous.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44And in 2012, that recently, they were reunited.
0:06:44 > 0:06:48They're both alive, her name is Greta Friedman.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51And he is George Mendonsa. They had never met.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54He just simply saw her in the street, swooped her up and
0:06:54 > 0:06:57kissed her and the photographer got virtually the photograph of the...
0:06:57 > 0:07:02- Didn't she rather famously slap him afterwards?- She was not pleased at all, no. Absolutely.- No.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06But when they had a reunion in 2012, they were very friendly, and she realised it was a fabulous moment.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09- He was swept up in the joy of VJ Day.- So did they shag?
0:07:11 > 0:07:14I think not, if she slapped him afterwards, although you probably...
0:07:14 > 0:07:16- No, I mean on the reunion. - No, that doesn't mean...
0:07:16 > 0:07:23- On the reunion!- That's my point. You know, when there's no, you know, Victory-anywhere-day
0:07:23 > 0:07:25and you're just speed-dating and you do that.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Then you're not likely to be thanked. Yes.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31No, you're likely to end up in a court with Injuries 4U lawyers.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Yeah, exactly. So there you go.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37The world's greatest kisser was a French actor named Andre Brule,
0:07:37 > 0:07:40but who was the most shocking kisser of all time?
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- Oh!- Oh, hello. There we've got two, they're probably called...
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- Britney Spears and Madonna.- Madonna.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48That is, you can just see, is what pigeons do. That's...
0:07:48 > 0:07:50Oh, yes, yeah.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53There's only one marshmallow left.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55LAUGHTER
0:07:57 > 0:08:02I've only ever had one screen kiss, and it was with the wonderful American comic, Mike McShane.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05- Oh, yes, terrific.- Mike McShane. - You did a sitcom.- We did a sitcom together.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08He knew I was very nervous about the kiss, because I wanted it
0:08:08 > 0:08:10to be...I didn't want it to be comic, I wanted it to be real.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13There's always that worry when you're doing a comedy.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15And he knew this and so I was very anxious,
0:08:15 > 0:08:19and the very first time he leant down and he kissed me and passed me an anchovy with his tongue!
0:08:23 > 0:08:26I was less nervous after that.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28Yeah, I had a film where I had to kiss Jude Law
0:08:28 > 0:08:31and Ioan Gruffudd, it was awful.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34And they were nude. Oh, God! Misery.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37But anyway, shocking kisses, that's...
0:08:37 > 0:08:41I suppose shocks some people because it's lesbiotic, but...
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- "Lesbiotic"?- Well, yes.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47I must go home and give the good news.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- So are we talking about a screen kiss, or are we talking...? - An electric shock.
0:08:50 > 0:08:53- We're talking about the word shocking. Thank you.- Electric shock.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57- Is it some, something electrical to do with it? - Yes. The Venus Electrificata.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59It's one of those things, whenever you invent a new technology,
0:08:59 > 0:09:02people experiment with it in extraordinary ways,
0:09:02 > 0:09:05and of course electricity, when the power to generate electricity
0:09:05 > 0:09:09first arrived, people tried all kinds of exciting things with it.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13And one of them was to suspend a woman such that she was not
0:09:13 > 0:09:16earthed, and then get men who WERE earthed to kiss her,
0:09:16 > 0:09:19and you can see, he's winding round there in order to create
0:09:19 > 0:09:22an electric current, and you kissed them and you get a tingling feeling.
0:09:22 > 0:09:26Well, when I was a kid, I grew up in the States, we used to have electric shock parties.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29- You had very cheap sort of...- You put your tongue on batteries?
0:09:29 > 0:09:31No, you had cheap nylon carpet and we'd turn the lights out
0:09:31 > 0:09:34and everybody would stand and rub their feet on the carpet, and then go, "now!"
0:09:34 > 0:09:37And you'd all kiss and there'd be a little spark.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Yes, we used to do that. At prep school, we had an area which
0:09:39 > 0:09:42was cut off for the ponies to graze, with an electric fence.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47You'd grab the electric fence and the shock would go through,
0:09:47 > 0:09:49like a wave, through the whole line of us.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51It was kind of rather fun.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55There was also Stephen Gray and his amazing "orphan boy",
0:09:55 > 0:10:00who he hung down, and put a current through him.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03And the current attracted various objects,
0:10:03 > 0:10:06and this became so popular, he actually made a kit.
0:10:06 > 0:10:10You had to provide your own boy, but...
0:10:10 > 0:10:13But otherwise you had the kit with various glass rods
0:10:13 > 0:10:17and things like that, that the electricity would pick up.
0:10:17 > 0:10:21But as with all new inventions of any kind, people are going to try...?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- Electric cock.- Yes.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27And it was the discoverer of ultraviolet light, Johann Ritter,
0:10:27 > 0:10:30decided he would try...in the early days there was what was known as
0:10:30 > 0:10:37a voltaic pile, ie a battery, and he basically tried it on his groin.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38And he described it,
0:10:38 > 0:10:41"His organ began in a state of medium swelling."
0:10:41 > 0:10:43What we call a semi, I guess.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45LAUGHTER
0:10:45 > 0:10:49"He wrapped it in a piece of cloth," I hope you're taking notes at home,
0:10:49 > 0:10:52"moistened with lukewarm milk," that's lukewarm.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Try, poke your elbow in it and if it doesn't burn and it's not cold, like with a baby's bath.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00OK, you're following? You're taking notes, I'm doing it slow enough.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03"Then delicately you touch the wire from the positive pole to the
0:11:03 > 0:11:06"cloth and with the other hand, you close the circuit.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10"A shock jolted him, followed by a pleasant tingling.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15"The swelling continued.
0:11:15 > 0:11:21"Warmth spread from his groin and then finally, consummation."
0:11:22 > 0:11:25You're sitting in your house and the lights start flickering
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- and you know he's at it next door with the milk cloth.- Yes!
0:11:31 > 0:11:33I mean, I'm sorry, but...
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Channel 5's gone off, it'll be him next door with the milk cloth.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40You know how every Christmas they always say,
0:11:40 > 0:11:44when all the lights go down, and you can't cook your turkey, it's because we're all watching telly.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47It's not, because all over Britain people are...
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- Are trying lukewarm milk on their... - They've got things, milk on their willies.
0:11:50 > 0:11:54- It's all going on.- Yes? - I shared a dressing room for a while with a very short actor,
0:11:54 > 0:11:57and I came into the dressing room one evening. He wasn't expecting me,
0:11:57 > 0:12:01he was completely naked and he was trying to get his entire genitalia up into the basin.
0:12:01 > 0:12:06I said, "What are you doing?" He said, "I thought it was a good idea, I thought it was a good idea."
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I said, "What?" I'd got some muscle heat-rub.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- Ow!- He thought, "Well, it feels so nice on your leg..."
0:12:11 > 0:12:15It burns! The men are wincing already in the audience.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Ah. I'm sure Alan has many similar stories to tell.
0:12:20 > 0:12:22Here's a really weird one.
0:12:22 > 0:12:27In 2005, a boy was admitted to hospital with two neodymium magnets,
0:12:27 > 0:12:30the strongest permanent magnets known to us,
0:12:30 > 0:12:34trapping a fold, shall we say, of his penis.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37He claimed that he had fallen down,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40or they had fallen down his trousers while he was playing with them.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43But they were so strong that they didn't know what to do.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Magnets can be demagnetized by heating them
0:12:45 > 0:12:48to a very high temperature, which wouldn't be very kind.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Or they could be hammered apart.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54So they were faced with a real medical problem,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56to save this boy's future, as it were.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00So they tried alternative solutions, such as bigger magnets.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04In the end they managed to remove them by "shearing the magnets away from each other, moving them
0:13:04 > 0:13:06"perpendicular to the force of attraction."
0:13:06 > 0:13:10So, don't try those magnets at home.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Anyway, let's move on. What's going on here?
0:13:15 > 0:13:19- Oh, are they kissing fish? - They're not...are they not aware there's a piece of glass?
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- Kissing fish?- They're fighting. - Are they fighting?- They're fighting.
0:13:22 > 0:13:27- They're called kissing fish because it's what it looks like.- That may well be, but they don't kiss.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- But they're not kissing, they're fighting.- Exactly right. Gourami is their name.
0:13:30 > 0:13:35They don't kill each other by doing that, but one will get knackered and sometimes dies of exhaustion.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36It's never utterly fatal.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39It looks like the end of a balloon, doesn't it?
0:13:39 > 0:13:41It does, doesn't it? It's just like the end of a balloon.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43And what other fighting fish do we know?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- Oh, the...- The what-y fighting fish?
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Well, they call them Samurai fighting fish, but...
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Not Samurai, no. Siamese fighting fish.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Very popular, they're used like cock fighting as a sport.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58They keep each separate in a little, just alone in a tank
0:13:58 > 0:14:01so it doesn't waste its energy by seeing another male.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03There's another version and they have little swords.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Well, they're really vicious fighters,
0:14:07 > 0:14:10and the one that loses just flees for its life, basically,
0:14:10 > 0:14:13but you bet on them, essentially, it's like cock fighting used to be.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16They're not the fish that eat all that spare
0:14:16 > 0:14:19- skin off your feet, are they? - Oh, supposedly, that's right. - Have you done that, Janet?
0:14:19 > 0:14:24- Have you done that?- No, I'm a bit worried that if I put my feet in hot water with the little fish...
0:14:24 > 0:14:28This is for pedicures, where they put these tiny fish in, and they're supposed to nibble your dead skin.
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I'd be more worried that they didn't want my feet.
0:14:31 > 0:14:35- Yes, that would be such an insult. - You put your feet in and they all go for the side again.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37Ugh!
0:14:37 > 0:14:39And get little mouth washes.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42LAUGHTER
0:14:42 > 0:14:45I've done it. At first it's really strange,
0:14:45 > 0:14:48and then when you get used to it,
0:14:48 > 0:14:51- what's stranger is 15 people filming you.- Ah.
0:14:51 > 0:14:55- Whilst you've got your feet in a tank going, "ooh". - You did it on a TV thing did you?
0:14:55 > 0:14:58No, no, I just did it in a shopping centre.
0:14:59 > 0:15:03- And 15 passers-by decided...- Yeah, just went, "Oh, look..."- There's Johnny Vegas having his feet...
0:15:03 > 0:15:08"There's that Johnny Vegas getting off on putting his feet in water."
0:15:08 > 0:15:12Yeah. They have a lung-like organ in their bodies, these fighting fish.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Which means that they can breathe air.
0:15:14 > 0:15:20And actually, if we had enough supersaturated water with oxygen,
0:15:20 > 0:15:22we would be able to breathe water.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24And some people believe this is the future of the human race,
0:15:24 > 0:15:26you know, for diving and space travel,
0:15:26 > 0:15:29and things like that, that we actually breathe water.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31You do know after this I'm going to go home and drown in the bath,
0:15:31 > 0:15:35- don't you?- No, don't! I'm going to write out a list...
0:15:35 > 0:15:39I take in bits of what you say to me and then guarantee my family
0:15:39 > 0:15:43it's safe, Stephen said I can breathe underwater.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45There are certain earlier things...
0:15:45 > 0:15:48I am the future!
0:15:48 > 0:15:51There are some earlier things I've recommended that you can
0:15:51 > 0:15:56certainly do, but not the breathing underwater. But the lukewarm milk is fine, you can try that.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- Yeah.- I'd rather...
0:15:59 > 0:16:01I'd rather just drink it.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03What?! Oh, the milk.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Right. Sorry.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08God, yes, I understand. So, good.
0:16:08 > 0:16:11When gourami appear to be kissing, they're actually fighting.
0:16:11 > 0:16:13What's so attractive about ordinary people?
0:16:13 > 0:16:17Not the movie, which is a very fine movie, of course. Mary Tyler Moore.
0:16:17 > 0:16:22It's them massive cars they drive, the... Buses.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24Ordinary people drive buses.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28- What, you mean ordinary people are on buses?- Yeah.- Is it symmetry?
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Well, it's not quite symmetry, this is known as koinophilia,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34and it seems that if you take two not very good-looking people
0:16:34 > 0:16:39and merge their image, people are more likely to be attracted to them.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43And Galton, who was a famous criminologist and was interested in the appearance of criminals, thought
0:16:43 > 0:16:46he would try and find the absolute criminal type by taking photographs
0:16:46 > 0:16:49of criminals and merging them and merging them, and he was astonished
0:16:49 > 0:16:52to find the more he did so, the more pleasant they appeared to be.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55So you average-out people's looks
0:16:55 > 0:16:58and we are more attracted to that, it seems.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01We've actually done a little merge of some of our friends
0:17:01 > 0:17:03around the table, just to show you how attractive you look
0:17:03 > 0:17:06when you put them together.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07- Ta da!- Oh, yeah!
0:17:10 > 0:17:12It's Jean from Tenerife.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Oh, no, we look like a tennis player.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18You do look like a tennis player, with an open piano lid.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20It looks very nice. And let's try the other two.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26Oh! Oh!
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- Serial killer! - Let's not have children.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36- The eyes...- Police are currently looking for...
0:17:36 > 0:17:39There's something a bit odd about the eyes there.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41But it's from your photograph, Johnny.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44We just look like the biggest idiot in the world.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47I think someone took your photograph and did one of those,
0:17:47 > 0:17:50- you know, red-eye things.- No, it looks like someone who walked in
0:17:50 > 0:17:53and caught his parents having sex and they didn't stop.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58He's the sort of man the police say, "Oh, he was quiet, always kept to himself."
0:17:58 > 0:17:59Yes, he was a loner.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01He was just a loner, perfectly nice.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04He used to cry a lot at Christmas.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08Now, what would you keep in one of these? I have one.
0:18:10 > 0:18:11There it is.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Is it a...
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- A penis.- Yeah, a penis is the right answer, Alan.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18It usually is the right answer.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- Is it from the...?- Is it hollow? - Is it an African...
0:18:21 > 0:18:23It's hollow, otherwise you'd have trouble keeping it in.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- Is it from Africa, Stephen? - It's not from Africa, no.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27- Where's it from?- Croydon.
0:18:27 > 0:18:32- It's from Papua New Guinea. - It's what anteaters wear when they're going to rob a post office.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39"It's just that little bit of disguise...is that you, Frank?"
0:18:39 > 0:18:40"No, no."
0:18:40 > 0:18:43I've been to Papua New Guinea and I've seen it...
0:18:43 > 0:18:46- They can be different sizes. - ..wibbly-wobbling about.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50They can be like this. But, oddly enough, they are not worn for status, they don't deliberately
0:18:50 > 0:18:53have a big thick one like that in order to suggest greater manhood.
0:18:53 > 0:18:54They often have a thin,
0:18:54 > 0:18:57rather strangely trailing-away one with a few hairs on the end.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58Like this, exactly.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02That would really confuse Bugs Bunny.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07"I'm also de wabbit!
0:19:07 > 0:19:08"Or maybe I just wannabe fwiends."
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- What's it made of?- It's a gourd.
0:19:10 > 0:19:15It's a penis gourd, and it's a sort of relative of the squash family, I think, isn't it?
0:19:15 > 0:19:17- I went to Papua New Guinea and... - Amazing place.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21It's fantastic, and I was taken to this remote island on a boat
0:19:21 > 0:19:25and then they painted me with war paint and presented me
0:19:25 > 0:19:28with a pig and a pile of yams.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- Oh.- Pig, and then they did these gourd dances to me.
0:19:31 > 0:19:36- To, really, right at you. - Right at me, yes. I was really, really impressed.
0:19:36 > 0:19:40"They dined on yams and clams and human hams and vintage coconut wine,
0:19:40 > 0:19:43"the taste of which was filthy, but the after-effects divine,"
0:19:43 > 0:19:47- as Noel Coward put it.- I feel just like that in the taxi rank in Wigan.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51But amongst the tribes that have these kotekas,
0:19:51 > 0:19:54as they're called, are, in case there's any members watching,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57and I wouldn't want to leave you out, the Lani, the Mee,
0:19:57 > 0:20:00the Amungme, the Kamoro, the Yali, the Damal and the Moni.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03And the government tried to make them illegal and sent them all clothing.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06And for so many generations, they'd gone without clothing
0:20:06 > 0:20:09and been totally nude, except for these penis gourds,
0:20:09 > 0:20:12the clothing actually gave them rashes and all they do now is
0:20:12 > 0:20:16they use shorts sometimes to put on their heads.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17But they continue to go naked.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20I love the fact that when you read the tribes out, you went,
0:20:20 > 0:20:21you know, not to offend anyone.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24That would be a brilliant Points Of View when they turn up.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Yes, it would. Yes.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27You missed out my tribe! Grrr!
0:20:27 > 0:20:32Yes, in an otherwise thoroughly enjoyable programme, exactly.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35So, how did a bunch of choir boys plan to drive Hitler mad?
0:20:38 > 0:20:41We've been very literal there. There's Hitler in a straitjacket.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43It's a, it's a plot. I do know this.
0:20:43 > 0:20:48- Yeah?- Porn.- Pornography. - Pornography, they were going to drive him mad with pornography.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50- That's absolutely right. - Was the plan.- Yeah.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53They had groups called the Cowboys, who were behind enemy lines,
0:20:53 > 0:20:55and the Choir Boys were the people in Washington.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- That's right. - And they came up with bonkers ideas.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01All kinds of suggestions. I mean, we did too, bouncing bombs, ridiculous
0:21:01 > 0:21:02and yet that was one that worked.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06And Churchill chose the date precisely in May 1943,
0:21:06 > 0:21:09when the floods were at their full height in the dams
0:21:09 > 0:21:12and he was in Washington, so that if it worked he could announce it.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15And it would be the first real invasion into German territory
0:21:15 > 0:21:17that caused a massive difference.
0:21:17 > 0:21:21And Lord Cherwell, his scientific adviser, said to him, reportedly,
0:21:21 > 0:21:24"But what if it doesn't work?"
0:21:24 > 0:21:27And Churchill said, "Then no-one will ever hear anything about it."
0:21:27 > 0:21:30And that's the point about these mad schemes.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33There were all these really zany plans. But most of them we don't know about.
0:21:33 > 0:21:37And a lot of them were covered up and probably we never will. We know about the ones that work.
0:21:37 > 0:21:39This is one that didn't work but we do know about.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43- But this was smut. They were going to drop smut.- Basically, it was pornography.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47- All over Germany, and... - Well, particularly to drive Hitler mad, over Berchtesgaden,
0:21:47 > 0:21:49his residence.
0:21:49 > 0:21:51So leaflets were going to cascade down from the sky.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53- That would sort of drive him mad. - Absolutely.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57The US Army Air Corps described it as insane and refused to do it.
0:21:57 > 0:21:59But it did have an important role to play, pornography.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02And of course, these were ones that the Germans
0:22:02 > 0:22:05dropped on the allies, because they did the same thing.
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Germans and Japanese.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09We didn't have much of a porno war effort, in Britain.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12We were squeamish. The senior officers,
0:22:12 > 0:22:15one was quoted saying he would "rather lose the war than take part."
0:22:15 > 0:22:19Which is simply extraordinary. Air Marshal Sir Arthur "Bomber" Harris didn't approve,
0:22:19 > 0:22:21said it was just like sending them free lavatory paper.
0:22:21 > 0:22:25What does it say about our troops that the German troops were willing
0:22:25 > 0:22:30to drop the pornography and ours are going, "Well, I'm not giving it away."
0:22:30 > 0:22:34- "Keep it Frank, we'll sell..." - I like to think it was a more decent reason than that, Johnny.
0:22:34 > 0:22:35"We'll sell it when we get back."
0:22:35 > 0:22:38But dropping leaflets was a big thing, the first the Danes knew of
0:22:38 > 0:22:41the Germans invading was that the leaflets were dropping over...
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Yes, leaflet dropping was a huge thing. Absolutely right.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47It was what's called a black op, we'd call it now.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49The bouncing bomb would be a war crime now, wouldn't it,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- for the civilians killed?- There were a lot of civilians killed.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56I don't know if it was a legitimate war target or not, in total war. I don't think...
0:22:56 > 0:22:59- I think since they've agreed. - There was a good story I came across
0:22:59 > 0:23:01when I was writing a script for the Dam Busters
0:23:01 > 0:23:04and there was one of the members of one of the crews which
0:23:04 > 0:23:08crashed after dropping its bomb, and was picked up by the Germans.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11And they were treated pretty well, and one of them said,
0:23:11 > 0:23:14"Well, what do you need? You know, according to the laws of, you know,
0:23:14 > 0:23:18"the Geneva Convention, you know, are you thirsty?" They said a glass of water would be lovely.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21And he said, "Are you joking? You have just destroyed our water supply."
0:23:21 > 0:23:25And that was the first time the guy realised that one of the bombs had actually worked.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29And that's how he found out that the Mohne had gone, because he was
0:23:29 > 0:23:32saying there is no water, which is quite sweet in its own peculiar way.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34- Anyway... - HE HUMS DAMBUSTERS THEME
0:23:34 > 0:23:39One mad idea to win the war was to use pornography to drive
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Hitler mad, as if he wasn't already.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44So, anyway, which of these foods would give you the same
0:23:44 > 0:23:46number of calories as used in the average sex session?
0:23:46 > 0:23:50- I don't think it's a lot of... - You don't think it's many calories.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54- I think it's quite a lot.- You think it's a lot.- Do you? You think it's pizza lot?
0:23:54 > 0:23:56I think it's about 400 calories.
0:23:56 > 0:23:59400 calories, which would be a good pizza at least, wouldn't it?
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- Maybe a slice of pizza, not a whole one.- Slice of pizza, yeah. You think it's fewer?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04I'm going to go for the steak.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06- Well, it's interesting. - I'm going to go for the burger.
0:24:06 > 0:24:10- You'll have the burger. - I'll have a slice of tart. - You'll have a slice of tart. Hey.
0:24:10 > 0:24:14- But without the bread.- And what about you?- I'll have the courgette and the shrimp,
0:24:14 > 0:24:18- because it's got quite a lot of possibilities.- Yes, that is a good ploy.
0:24:18 > 0:24:23Well, David Allison, who is a bio-statistician at the University of Alabama, looked into it.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27And the average sex session takes only six minutes.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29What, from beginning to end?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32So the amount of calories used would be 20,
0:24:32 > 0:24:35that's about the same as one egg white or a very small meringue.
0:24:35 > 0:24:39LAUGHTER
0:24:39 > 0:24:41There you are. That's...
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Does the six minutes include the bit where you watch the news?
0:24:45 > 0:24:47What, to see if you've made it on?
0:24:47 > 0:24:50We've done it, let's put the news on.
0:24:50 > 0:24:55These figures are obviously up for argument. A 2008 survey by Durex, who might be regarded as having
0:24:55 > 0:24:57a sort of vested interest, as makers of...
0:24:57 > 0:25:00Oh. That's The Graduate, isn't it? The stage version. Anyway...
0:25:00 > 0:25:02She's got that look, hasn't she?
0:25:02 > 0:25:05She has. That was a disappointment, quite clearly.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08- Yeah.- That was half a meringue.- Yeah. - "Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs Robinson?"
0:25:08 > 0:25:14Anyway, Durex reported the average Briton enjoys 22.5 minutes of foreplay,
0:25:14 > 0:25:17while another survey at around the same time in Men's Health
0:25:17 > 0:25:23claimed that British men only last 18.64 minutes from foreplay to climax.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27So if we level out those different statistics, we could argue that British men take,
0:25:27 > 0:25:31in terms of actual intercourse itself, minus 3.86 minutes.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35So, if you want to work off the weight gained by eating
0:25:35 > 0:25:37a tiny meringue, sex should do it.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Now it's time for one of my knick-knacks,
0:25:39 > 0:25:41a little scientific experiment.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44And all I have to do, yes, I know, it's terribly exciting,
0:25:44 > 0:25:45- isn't it, is bring up this.- Ah ha!
0:25:45 > 0:25:48I don't know if you can see in here the tiny little
0:25:48 > 0:25:52grains of a little kind of, a little crystalline matter.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- And a bottle here. - Salt and vinegar.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58It looks like salt and vinegar. Bizarrely, that is what is used
0:25:58 > 0:26:01for flavouring salt and vinegar, sodium acetate.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04It's got caustic soda and vinegar, which is what makes sodium acetate.
0:26:04 > 0:26:09It's then dissolved slowly in water. It's very unstable, if I shook it, it would instantly crystallise,
0:26:09 > 0:26:13so I'm going to be very careful about this. But if you add it to crystals, it also crystallises,
0:26:13 > 0:26:15and I hope to make a dildo for you.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18- Oh, good. - A dildo just out of this liquid.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20I'm going to stand up to do it, if the camera allows me to, because
0:26:20 > 0:26:23it needs a steady hand and I need to keep rising as I'm slowly pouring.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26It's a bit like making mayonnaise, you know, very slowly adding,
0:26:26 > 0:26:28adding the oil.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31- It's nothing like making mayonnaise. - No, you very slowly...
0:26:31 > 0:26:33You're making a phallus.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36You very... No, no, in terms of the making, but in terms of the pouring.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38This could ruin Mothers' Day for some people.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39I'm just going to slowly pour it.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41Can you see there's a tiny bit of crystal on there?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43So a really very, very small amount.
0:26:43 > 0:26:44- Yeah.- OK.- Here we are.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48I've got to have a steady slow stream, let's just hope it works.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Oooh!
0:26:55 > 0:26:57Oh, I say.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01It's a snowman dildo.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06# We're walking in the air... #
0:27:06 > 0:27:08LAUGHTER
0:27:09 > 0:27:13# We're going to land for just awhile... #
0:27:14 > 0:27:19"Snowman needs his private time!"
0:27:21 > 0:27:23"Get off me back!"
0:27:23 > 0:27:25It's not very easy to be very accurate.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28I've got to keep doing higher, otherwise it'll touch itself
0:27:28 > 0:27:31and blow back into the bottle. But there you go. How's that?
0:27:31 > 0:27:32Aah!
0:27:32 > 0:27:36APPLAUSE
0:27:40 > 0:27:42It's exothermic nucleation,
0:27:42 > 0:27:44for the science heads out there.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48It's slightly warm. It feels rather gorgeous, and, I mean...
0:27:50 > 0:27:53- It's a nice...- He made one earlier.
0:27:53 > 0:27:57It's a nice consistency, it's not poisonous, it's not dangerous, but it's a wonderful effect, isn't it?
0:27:57 > 0:28:00- Yes, I like it. - It's gorgeous. Yeah, there you are.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04- It's not an absolutely perfect dildo, but it's...- What's disturbing is it looks like mine.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06Yes, exactly.
0:28:06 > 0:28:10So that was the supersaturated sodium acetate knick-knack.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12And these are the final scores.
0:28:12 > 0:28:17And for possibly the first time, we have three people on plus scores.
0:28:17 > 0:28:18- It's thrilling.- What?
0:28:18 > 0:28:21The winner, with 11 is Sandi Toksvig.
0:28:21 > 0:28:24APPLAUSE
0:28:24 > 0:28:27In a very, very fine second place
0:28:27 > 0:28:30with three points is Johnny Vegas.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34APPLAUSE
0:28:34 > 0:28:39And with a shatteringly impressive plus two, Janet Street-Porter.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Brilliant!
0:28:41 > 0:28:44And the only one plunging into sub-zero conditions,
0:28:44 > 0:28:47I'm afraid, is Alan Davies with minus 15.
0:28:47 > 0:28:50APPLAUSE
0:28:55 > 0:28:58So it's good night from Sandi, Johnny, Janet, Alan and me.
0:28:58 > 0:29:02Be very, very special with yourselves, goodbye, bye.
0:29:16 > 0:29:19Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd