0:00:28 > 0:00:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:33Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:33 > 0:00:36good evening, good evening and welcome to QI,
0:00:36 > 0:00:40where tonight we'll be sorting out the Knights from the Knaves.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Strapping on the breastplate of interestingness,
0:00:43 > 0:00:45we have a goodly knight, Sue Perkins.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:52A knight to remember, Victoria Coren.
0:00:52 > 0:00:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:57 > 0:01:01A very perfect gentil knight, the Reverend Richard Coles.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:09And the long dark knight of the soul, Alan Davies.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:15 > 0:01:18And their knightly noises all come from naves.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Sue goes...
0:01:20 > 0:01:23PLAINSONG PLAYS
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Lovely. And Victoria goes...
0:01:26 > 0:01:28PLAINSONG PLAYS
0:01:30 > 0:01:32Richard goes...
0:01:32 > 0:01:35PLAINSONG PLAYS
0:01:37 > 0:01:39And Alan goes...
0:01:39 > 0:01:42BUZZER: # Fruity, fruity, fruity!
0:01:42 > 0:01:44# Fruity, fruity, fruity! #
0:01:44 > 0:01:46Yes.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47# Fruity, fruity, fruity! #
0:01:47 > 0:01:48Yes!
0:01:48 > 0:01:53# Fruity, fruity, fruity! #
0:01:53 > 0:01:55Let... You have been warned.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57LAUGHTER
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Let's head straight to the lists.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Why was the Black Prince so called?
0:02:02 > 0:02:03PLAINSONG PLAYS
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Rev Richard?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Well, if my Ladybird Book Of Princes is to be trusted,
0:02:07 > 0:02:09it's because he had black armour.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11KLAXON
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Ey! It's the one occasion where the inestimable Ladybird series
0:02:14 > 0:02:16has let you down. There is no evidence.
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Is it like Reservoir Dogs, where they weren't allowed to use their first names
0:02:19 > 0:02:23and they got a sign up saying "You're the Black Knight, you're the White Knight,
0:02:23 > 0:02:27"you're the Pink Knight." "Why do I have to be the Pink Knight?" "Just be the Pink Knight."
0:02:27 > 0:02:28It might as well be true.
0:02:28 > 0:02:29BUZZER: # Fruity! #
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- Yes?- Was he black?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33LAUGHTER
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Well, oddly enough,
0:02:36 > 0:02:40his mother was perhaps of Moorish descent.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43- Ah.- Philippa of Hainault.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Which is a tube line, isn't it?
0:02:45 > 0:02:47- Hainault is very near where I grew up.- Oh, there you are.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49- Like anal.- Anal. Do you like anal?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Anal...steady!
0:02:51 > 0:02:52LAUGHTER
0:02:52 > 0:02:55I just, is it, is Hainault good? Is, is...
0:02:55 > 0:02:57LAUGHTER
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- What, what, what happened?- I don't know.- Did something happen there?
0:03:00 > 0:03:01I mean...
0:03:01 > 0:03:04APPLAUSE
0:03:04 > 0:03:07I find, at the end of every tube line, you do get a good Hainault.
0:03:07 > 0:03:11I think it falls to me to rescue this, somehow.
0:03:11 > 0:03:12Yes, I think you should, yes.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Did you know that the oldest British door comes from Hainault?
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- No. The oldest door?- Well, the wood, it's in Westminster Abbey,
0:03:18 > 0:03:21it's a door which connects a cloister to the Abbey,
0:03:21 > 0:03:23and the Canons of Westminster live behind it,
0:03:23 > 0:03:25and they dated their door.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27And they found that the wood it was made from
0:03:27 > 0:03:30was growing in Hainault in the 10th century.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33Wow! Are you proud?
0:03:33 > 0:03:35I am very proud of the door.
0:03:35 > 0:03:38The sign painters are getting busy right now, going,
0:03:38 > 0:03:40"Home of the oldest door."
0:03:40 > 0:03:44- It's a reason to get off at Hainault, finally.- Yeah.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46Is it a wood that grew there a thousand years ago?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49Yeah. Well, Philippa of Hainault was perhaps of Moorish descent.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52So that may be the reason he was called the Black Prince,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- we don't know for a fact. - I'm wondering, do you think the Black Prince might have been
0:03:55 > 0:03:58called the Black Prince cos his sins were as black as pitch?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Yes. I mean, although he was known as the Master Of Chivalry,
0:04:01 > 0:04:05he almost destroyed the entire population of Limoges and Caen.
0:04:05 > 0:04:06- Yeah.- So there we are.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10Now, what is the first rule of Knight Club?
0:04:10 > 0:04:12LAUGHTER
0:04:12 > 0:04:14The first rule of Knight Club?
0:04:14 > 0:04:15- Yeah.- Well...
0:04:19 > 0:04:22You don't talk about Knight Club.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24KLAXON
0:04:24 > 0:04:26APPLAUSE
0:04:26 > 0:04:28Oh! It had to be.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- Somebody had to.- Well done.
0:04:31 > 0:04:35- Yeah, exactly.- I fell on my sword, which seems appropriate. - Yeah, it was, exactly.
0:04:35 > 0:04:37It is an existing club, or a club from the olden times?
0:04:37 > 0:04:41No, it's a very olde-times club of knights.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43The most famous group of knights of...
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- Templar.- The Knights Templar.
0:04:45 > 0:04:49There are still people who think they still exist, and you know,
0:04:49 > 0:04:51in the sort of Dan Browny kind of way,
0:04:51 > 0:04:54but they actually folded up in 1314. But they were very powerful.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57It was after the First Crusade, they were formed, in Jerusalem.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00And they were allowed to do almost anything. The law didn't apply to them in Jerusalem,
0:05:00 > 0:05:04which annoyed a lot of people, but there were certain things they weren't allowed to do.
0:05:04 > 0:05:07They weren't allowed to breed ferrets?
0:05:07 > 0:05:10To breed ferrets! Do you, anything else you know about them?
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- Well, you know they look like that. - Chew gum.
0:05:13 > 0:05:15- I know about ley lines. - Go on then.
0:05:15 > 0:05:18- They made them.- They made, you see,
0:05:18 > 0:05:20you've been reading these stupid books about knights,
0:05:20 > 0:05:23"Apparently, they are responsible for laying ley lines."
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- No, well...- "No." - They know where they are, anyway.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Yes, they do. They've got them all hidden.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31- No sex?- Well, yeah, they were allowed to marry,
0:05:31 > 0:05:35but if they married, they weren't allowed to wear the white and red uniform.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36There was no hunting except lions.
0:05:36 > 0:05:37LAUGHTER
0:05:37 > 0:05:41- That's quite specific.- That would actually be a brilliant rule for now, wouldn't it?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44There's so much debate about whether you should hunt or not.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Please everyone - "OK, hunting is allowed, but only lions."
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Lions. That's very true.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51They were only allowed one squire each, no telling tales,
0:05:51 > 0:05:53no lockable purses.
0:05:53 > 0:05:54- Oh.- Yeah.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57I suppose they have to show their trust or something like that.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59But their last and most important rule was no kissing.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02"Lastly, we hold it dangerous to all religion
0:06:02 > 0:06:04"to gaze too much on the countenance of women
0:06:04 > 0:06:08"and therefore, no brother shall presume to kiss neither widow,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11"nor virgin, nor mother, nor sister, nor aunt, nor any other woman."
0:06:11 > 0:06:12But anal's all right.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14LAUGHTER
0:06:14 > 0:06:15Well...
0:06:15 > 0:06:16APPLAUSE
0:06:20 > 0:06:23It's very funny you should say that, because one of the reasons
0:06:23 > 0:06:26they were closed down is there was a charge against them...
0:06:26 > 0:06:27- Too much buggery.- Yeah.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29There was a charge against them.
0:06:29 > 0:06:33"Deosculabantur se in ore, in umbilico, seu ventre nudo,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36"et in ano, seu in spina dorsi." "Et in ano."
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- Et in ano.- "Et in ano." - And the end, yeah.- Yeah.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40And in Hainault.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43And the accusation was that they kissed one another on the mouth,
0:06:43 > 0:06:48on the naval, the bare belly, the anus, or the backbone.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50- Well, they were thorough.- They were!
0:06:50 > 0:06:52LAUGHTER
0:06:54 > 0:06:57When you're looking for a ley line, you don't want to leave any stone unturned.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00There might be one coming out of his arse.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02I'll have a look.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- But that is...- Right, that's enough! That's enough, Templars!
0:07:05 > 0:07:07LAUGHTER
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Did you know that the Temple Church in London, which was founded by the
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Knights Templar, and there are still some Knights Templar lying around...
0:07:13 > 0:07:17- Dead ones, yeah.- There's a unique title for, if you're the priest in charge there,
0:07:17 > 0:07:20you're the Reverend and Valiant Master of the Temple.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- Oh, that's very good. - Which sounds like something from a Star Wars movie.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27- The Reverend and Valiant Master of the Temple.- Yeah.- In that picture, is he going,
0:07:27 > 0:07:29"Show me on the cross where he kissed you?"
0:07:29 > 0:07:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:39 > 0:07:40They're all going, yeah, yeah.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43He's saying, "But my arms are much too long."
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- Yes.- "I'm not going to fit on this."
0:07:45 > 0:07:49Yes. You're going to nail me against the air.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- It's true...- You're going to have to just nail my ears to it.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54LAUGHTER
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Now, what makes you think this knight is a total bastard?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01- Oh, he looks like a mean... - His hat.- Oh...- Not his hat.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03PLAINSONG PLAYS
0:08:03 > 0:08:05- Richard?- He's got a diagonal white stripe across his lions,
0:08:05 > 0:08:08which means he's been naughty.
0:08:08 > 0:08:10- No, he hasn't been naughty at all. - I beg his pardon.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13Is he, oh, is he illegitimate? Has his father been naughty?
0:08:13 > 0:08:17His father's been naughty. It's what's known as the "bend sinister".
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Oh, we've all had bend sinister.
0:08:19 > 0:08:22It starts at the bottom left and goes up to the top right,
0:08:22 > 0:08:24which indicates you are a bastard.
0:08:24 > 0:08:27And in his case, there's more information just on that simple coat of arms.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29The three lions.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- No, he's not the bastard son of Wayne Rooney.- Wayne Rooney.
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Yeah, yeah.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35LAUGHTER
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Something told me you were going to say that.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Is the red significant?
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Yes, it's the Royal Family. It's a royal coat of arms.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- So he's a royal bastard.- Yeah. - So he's a Fitz-John or something?
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- A Fitz?- Fitz-Herb, Fitz... - Fitz-Herbert?
0:08:46 > 0:08:50- Fitz-John, Fitzroy. Of course. - Fitzroy. His name would be Fitzroy.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52Fitz is the "son of" and roy, "roi", is king.
0:08:52 > 0:08:58And one particular king had five Fitzroys from his mistress.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Who would that be?
0:09:00 > 0:09:03- Who was a really...- Oh, hang on, George, one of the Georges?
0:09:03 > 0:09:04No. Go back a bit. Rewind.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07- Henry VIII.- Charles II. - Charles II.- Henry VII.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- No, Charles II. We got there. - Charles II.
0:09:09 > 0:09:13- We got there without you. Charles II.- Shouting out some kings to move it along.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Very good. She was called Barbara Palmer and she bore him five...
0:09:15 > 0:09:17- Babs.- Five, Babs Palmer.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19They don't think of the Babs, do they.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21She might have been a Babs, I expect, yeah.
0:09:21 > 0:09:25- Queen Babs.- Yeah.- "You Fitz'd me up again."- You Fitz'd me up.
0:09:25 > 0:09:26And we have a Henry...
0:09:26 > 0:09:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:29 > 0:09:32But does it cancel out, if the one with the stripe then marries
0:09:32 > 0:09:35and has a legitimate son, don't they take the stripe away?
0:09:35 > 0:09:36Ah, that would be very good.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38No, I think you keep it, I think, in your coat of arms.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42There are certain things which indicate something very extraordinary about your shield.
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- What do you think they are? - OK.- They have a particular meaning.
0:09:46 > 0:09:47PLAINSONG PLAYS
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Yeah?
0:09:49 > 0:09:50Is it visible panty line?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52LAUGHTER
0:09:54 > 0:09:55Oh...
0:09:55 > 0:09:58It's terrible, really, they get terrible VPL.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00It's not visible panty line.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03It's the colours, actually, are indicative of...
0:10:03 > 0:10:04Status?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07Of sin. Of a mistake, an error.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10They're known as abatements, also as "stains"
0:10:10 > 0:10:13as in a stain on the family name, or a stain on the...
0:10:13 > 0:10:15Oh. So what can a stain be?
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- It's got to be very serious if it's going on your coat of arms.- I know.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21Well, the first is called the point champaine tenne,
0:10:21 > 0:10:25and it's for killing a prisoner who has demanded quarter, or mercy.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Which is really ungentlemanly.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29It's a bit like points on a driving licence, isn't it?
0:10:29 > 0:10:33- It is. You're absolutely right. - It's the points on the shield for... - Yeah. Exactly.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36And the next one here, which we'll have a look at.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Needs dusting.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39LAUGHTER
0:10:39 > 0:10:40This is called the delf tenne,
0:10:40 > 0:10:43and that's for issuing a challenge and then bottling out.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- Coward.- Yeah.- That's a big old yellow smudge on that.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Exactly. Very much a smudge on the coat of arms.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51And then, we have a gusset, a gusset sanguine sinister.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53- A gusset sanguine?- Yeah.
0:10:53 > 0:10:54On a knight, really?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Yeah, I know, absurd, isn't it?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- Gusset sanguine.... - There's no reason for you to get it.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- Well, the sanguine is the colour. - So a bloody...- It's blood colour. It's for being drunk.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05And you have a gusset sanguine dexter.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Which is on the right, and that's...
0:11:07 > 0:11:10- Is being...- Being stoned? - Being an adulterer.- Oh, right.
0:11:10 > 0:11:11And there you are.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Now we have one that you have to guess, so tell me what this is.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15You're a drunken adulterer.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18There you are, you see, points for listening.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21So that's the whole world of heraldry.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24In a way, it's sort of a nicer design for the drunken adulterer.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26- It is, isn't it? - I feel like it's too rewarding.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29Is it two gussets or a wine glass?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Well, that's the choice facing the drunken adulterer.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33Yes, exactly. Exactly.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35LAUGHTER
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- It's perfect.- Every Saturday.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41APPLAUSE
0:11:41 > 0:11:42Oh, they knew what they were doing.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Did you know that if you're a clergyman you can't have
0:11:45 > 0:11:47a helmet on your coat of arms?
0:11:47 > 0:11:48- Oh, thank God.- Phew!
0:11:48 > 0:11:50LAUGHTER
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Because you can't have been a chaplain or something?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56No, you can't do anything which is... Did you know that if you're a clergyman,
0:11:56 > 0:12:00if you go to a black tie do, you can't have a stripe down your trousers?
0:12:00 > 0:12:03- No.- Because, no, because it's a military insignia. - Oh.- And you can't have that.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06And you can't have a helmet because it's a martial sign.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09So you have to have this sort of, it's a lovely sort of,
0:12:09 > 0:12:10do you remember Bill and Ben?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12It's a bit like that, it's called a galero.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16- Oh, how fabulous.- And it's black if you're a priest and red if you're a Cardinal.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19And if you're the Pope, you get a pointy one with three tiaras.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21- Oh!- Oh. Quite the fellow.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23I want to be Pope now.
0:12:23 > 0:12:24I think you'd look good in that.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27You've got to, oh, you've got to have it.
0:12:27 > 0:12:31So that's our knights with their shields.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34You also find knights on a chess board, of course.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36So what I want to know is this very strange conundrum.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39What's the maximum number of knights you can have on a chess board,
0:12:39 > 0:12:41such that none of them can take another one?
0:12:41 > 0:12:45- Oh, multiples of eight, I suppose. - I'll give you, you can try it out.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47So that none can...
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Maximum number.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51What you have to do is understand what a knight's move is.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53Stephen, I don't understand the question.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57It's the maximum, it's the maximum number of knights you could
0:12:57 > 0:13:00have on a chess board, such that none can take the other.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Have you noticed something in common with the ones you're putting down?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06- They're all the same.- The same, OK, the same colour, so...
0:13:06 > 0:13:09Yes, because a knight move must take a different colour.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10- Oh.- So 32.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12- 32 is the right answer!- Oh.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15It's really very simple when you think about it, isn't it? Very good.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17APPLAUSE
0:13:17 > 0:13:20It's one of those things that sounds very complicated, that you have to work out for ages,
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- but there you are.- I still don't understand it at all.
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Well, none of those knights can take another knight.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28- But isn't that rather more knights than we're used to?- Yes.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30LAUGHTER
0:13:30 > 0:13:32It's a problem, it's not a real chess situation.
0:13:32 > 0:13:35- It's if you had...- Because they move, because of the way they move,
0:13:35 > 0:13:38diagonal and up one, they move to the alternate colour.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41- Yes.- So if you've got all the knights on the same colour, they cannot take...
0:13:41 > 0:13:43- Exactly right, I mean that's how... - Oh, I get it.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47In the centre of the board, you're controlling eight different squares there.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50They're all a different colour, the knights are on a black square.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52So all you have to do is put them all on a black or a white square.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55When you move your knight, do you make a horsey noise?
0:13:55 > 0:13:56HE WHINNIES
0:13:56 > 0:13:57Do you? That's so sweet.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59HE SNORTS AND SPUTTERS
0:13:59 > 0:14:00And when you move your rook.
0:14:00 > 0:14:02SHE CAWS
0:14:02 > 0:14:03When I do the bishop...
0:14:03 > 0:14:04HE IMITATES PLAINSONG
0:14:04 > 0:14:08- When you do your queen, "Hello." - "Hello."- "Hello."
0:14:08 > 0:14:09That's your bishop.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- Oh, you're going to get in such trouble.- No!
0:14:16 > 0:14:18You're going to get in trouble from both sides.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20I've been going, "Ooh, you are awful, but I like you."
0:14:20 > 0:14:23You're getting into trouble from both sides, Richard.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25If the Bishop of Peterborough is watching this evening,
0:14:25 > 0:14:28you'll have my resignation on your desk in the morning, by the way.
0:14:28 > 0:14:33Isn't there a version of chess for kind of chess-heads
0:14:33 > 0:14:36called fairy chess, where the pieces do more things?
0:14:36 > 0:14:39- What a wonderful...- I'm not making this up, I'm sure this is true. - Fairy chess.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42That there's versions of chess where you can call these fairy pieces
0:14:42 > 0:14:45- and they can do extra things. - How many drugs did you take
0:14:45 > 0:14:47when you were hanging out with Jimmy Somerville?
0:14:47 > 0:14:49So you can just go, you're playing chess and suddenly you go,
0:14:49 > 0:14:51"No, we're playing fairy chess now."
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- SHE SINGS:- # La, la, la, la, la... #
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Check mate.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57- Yeah.- Yeah, well, I don't have to touch the pieces.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59- Yeah.- Oh, I see.
0:14:59 > 0:15:02- The whole point of chess is its limitations.- Yeah.- Yes. Precisely.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04It's all about the strictness in which you have to operate.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07But you know, but hang on, Mrs Poker Player Victoria Coren Mitchell,
0:15:07 > 0:15:10aren't there versions of poker where they kind of introduce
0:15:10 > 0:15:13wild cards and stuff to kind of get it...? It's the same sort of thing.
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Yeah, poker's different. As Martin Amis once said,
0:15:15 > 0:15:17"In chess, the properties of a bishop are fixed.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20"In poker, it's all wobbled through the prism of personality."
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- Very good.- You'd have obviously to check...- Beautiful quote. - Beautifully put.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25But do you know when he said that, Stephen?
0:15:25 > 0:15:28It was after a poker game that you and I and he all played.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31- Yes, I remember, in Wales. - Many years ago.- With the then-unknown Ricky Gervais.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Ricky Gervais was knocked out, got up and said,
0:15:33 > 0:15:35"What am I supposed to do now?"
0:15:35 > 0:15:37And you said, "There's a shotgun in the drawer."
0:15:37 > 0:15:39LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:46 > 0:15:47Oh, God.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50That would be a very good, very good title for a book.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54So, now, name a place where a knight can be buried.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56The ground.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58KLAXON
0:15:58 > 0:15:59Amazingly not.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01APPLAUSE
0:16:03 > 0:16:05You must be astonished to know that isn't true.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07Do they have to be buried above the ground?
0:16:07 > 0:16:08No, I'm saying that they can be buried,
0:16:08 > 0:16:10but where can they be buried?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13In a...tomb?
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- A vault?- A hole.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17LAUGHTER
0:16:17 > 0:16:19- A pyramid.- A pyramid.
0:16:19 > 0:16:23The fact is, is the moment you are dead, you are no longer a knight.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25- You're not a knight any more! - Oh, of course!- Right.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Cos everyone was shouting about how Jimmy Savile should
0:16:28 > 0:16:32have his knighthood taken away. But they'd have had to give it back to him in order to take it away.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34You're no longer a member of the Order the moment you die.
0:16:34 > 0:16:38So the moment you die, you're not a knight. So you can't bury a knight anywhere.
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Unless you're very mean and bury them alive, I suppose.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43I'm sorry to go on about it, but if you're a clergyman,
0:16:43 > 0:16:46and you're knighted, you can't call yourself Sir.
0:16:46 > 0:16:50- Whoa!- Unless you are knighted before you're ordained,
0:16:50 > 0:16:52and then you can be the Reverend Sir or Lady.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56- What a swiz!- It's this thing about, cos it's a chivalric order, you can't be...
0:16:56 > 0:16:58It's military, isn't it, if you're a knight.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Exactly, so you can't be that if you're a vicar. You can't bear arms.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04You can bare legs though, can't you? Yes. Ha-ha!
0:17:04 > 0:17:06LAUGHTER
0:17:06 > 0:17:10So, there are no dead knights, only dead former knights.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12Now to some knaves.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15What's the best way to stop your car from being stolen?
0:17:15 > 0:17:19Never park it, just drive it around and around.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21Keep driving round and around and around. Yeah.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24What you've cunningly done is avoid the obvious trap of saying
0:17:24 > 0:17:27"have a car alarm", because it seems that car alarms are worse than useless.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29In fact, we know that instinctively, don't we.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32- Yeah, because you ignore them. - You ignore them. Exactly.- Yeah.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35In fact, not only that, 1% of people, when asked,
0:17:35 > 0:17:38said that they would actually call the police if they heard a car alarm,
0:17:38 > 0:17:40and 60% said they would call up to complain about it.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43So you would actually make a phone call, but not to say that someone's
0:17:43 > 0:17:46car was being stolen, but just to say what a bloody nuisance it was.
0:17:46 > 0:17:50- So if that's the worst thing to do, what's the best thing to do? - Put in an old-fashioned lock.
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- Or have a rubbish car. - Or have a terrible car. - I've got a terrible car.
0:17:53 > 0:17:58- Have you?- With loads of graffiti on it. Someone drew a penis on the front bonnet.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01A friend of mine who's married to a vicar, she came out one morning
0:18:01 > 0:18:05and found someone had written "Monk Whore" on the back of her car.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08LAUGHTER
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Extraordinary! Monk whore.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13- Monk whore.- And now on BBC 1, Monk Whore.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15LAUGHTER
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- Robson Green...- Is Monk Whore.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21But did you know that actually car thieving
0:18:21 > 0:18:23is almost never a female occupation?
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- That's like a challenge. - Yeah.- Yeah.
0:18:26 > 0:18:27Tonight, the pair of us.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30There's, I'm sure you know who that is, but...
0:18:30 > 0:18:31That's Bonnie.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33Bonnie as in Bonnie and Clyde, yes.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36But apparently, the confraternity of car thieves don't think women
0:18:36 > 0:18:39should be allowed, so if a woman steals a car,
0:18:39 > 0:18:41they can't sell it on, cos they go, "Oh, I'm not having that.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44"I'm not having it off you, you don't know what it's about."
0:18:44 > 0:18:48So what you're saying is there's very little to divide between car thieves and car salesmen.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51- Yes.- Of a similar view. - It's a sexist bastion.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53I saw this brilliant documentary about crime
0:18:53 > 0:18:56and they interviewed these two young car criminals who were in jail,
0:18:56 > 0:18:59and they talked about what pride they took in their work,
0:18:59 > 0:19:00and one of them turned to the camera and said,
0:19:00 > 0:19:04"Some car criminals, unfortunately, give the rest of us a bad name."
0:19:04 > 0:19:07Fantastic. A bit of pride in his work.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Now, explain the effect of Stockholm Syndrome.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- Oh.- Wasn't that when you identify...
0:19:13 > 0:19:14LAUGHTER
0:19:14 > 0:19:19Oh. But you identify, if you're a victim of kidnap,
0:19:19 > 0:19:21you identify with your kidnappers
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- and you sort of become weird friends.- Yeah.- Is that right?
0:19:23 > 0:19:25I mean, that is what they say.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27From the Patty Hearst kidnap, is where it started?
0:19:27 > 0:19:30Well, no, because she was nothing to do with Stockholm.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33There was a '73 kidnapping in Stockholm, where,
0:19:33 > 0:19:37after which it was named, that's the Stockholm four.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40And they defended the robbers after the event and so on, so...
0:19:40 > 0:19:43- Cos they'd become so inured to the system of...- That's right.- Yeah.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45And the most famous one, as you rightly say,
0:19:45 > 0:19:47was the heiress of William Randolph Hearst, Patty Hearst,
0:19:47 > 0:19:49who was kidnapped by a strange group
0:19:49 > 0:19:52called the Symbionese Liberation Army.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55Unusually for a clergyman of the Church of England,
0:19:55 > 0:19:57I've had dinner with Patty Hearst.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- You haven't!- I have. - How was she? Is she back to normal?
0:19:59 > 0:20:03Charming, completely charming, I didn't know who she was until someone said who she was.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05By the time they had coffee, she wanted to be a vicar.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07LAUGHTER
0:20:07 > 0:20:10She had sort of become a kind of Bohemian socialite in Los Angeles,
0:20:10 > 0:20:12in the 1980s, when I used to go there
0:20:12 > 0:20:14in a previous incarnation, and I met her...
0:20:14 > 0:20:17And when you were a rock star, a rock god.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19- Oh, you!- Yeah.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22And I met her there. It was those sort of dinners that you would go to
0:20:22 > 0:20:24where everyone would be weirdly famous
0:20:24 > 0:20:26and have no other reason to be there at all,
0:20:26 > 0:20:28so you'd have Patty Hearst and, I don't know...
0:20:28 > 0:20:32- Nancy Reagan.- Andy Warhol and Eddie the Eagle, you know.
0:20:32 > 0:20:34Oh, that's a dinner you'd want to go to.
0:20:34 > 0:20:36Definitely. Definitely.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39But the fact is, it seems to be an aberration, it's very rare.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Most people when they're kidnapped, have nothing
0:20:41 > 0:20:43but feelings of complete hostility
0:20:43 > 0:20:45towards their captors. As you would expect.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48I would feel, as a clergyman, sort of bound to sort of...
0:20:48 > 0:20:50Are you a clergyman?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- I would sort of feel obliged to kind of be nice to them.- Oh, you would.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54And establish some rapport of some kind.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58- "I do understand your point of view."- Exactly, yes. "I think your case is good in parts."
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- It would be like that. - Yes, exactly.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03So there was a famous figure in history,
0:21:03 > 0:21:06one of the most famous in history, who did certainly not have
0:21:06 > 0:21:09Stockholm Syndrome, who was kidnapped by pirates.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11- And...- Pirates in history, kidnapped...- Johnny Depp.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15No. This is a great figure in history.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- Kidnapped by pirates? - Who was kidnapped by pirates,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19was held hostage and the ransom was paid.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- Give us some clues. - What sort of era?
0:21:21 > 0:21:25He then pursued them with a small fleet, or a number of boats, a flotilla.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28- Francis Drake.- Drake?- No, and... - Cook?- Raleigh, Cook?- Nelson.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29Had them all crucified.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33- Oh.- A Roman.- Oh, it was Julius Caesar.- Julius Caesar is the right answer.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- Julius Caesar.- Yeah. And the thing is, he had told them while he was held hostage,
0:21:36 > 0:21:39"When I get out of here, I will come back and I will crucify you."
0:21:39 > 0:21:41And they apparently thought it was a joke.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Joke's on you.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho. - Who's laughing now?
0:21:45 > 0:21:48Yeah. They didn't know their Caesar. Exactly.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52- So, one tough cookie.- How do you crucify someone if they've got hooks for hands?
0:21:52 > 0:21:53It's very, very difficult.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:57 > 0:21:59Do they hang them up?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- They have magnets, massive magnets. - Magnets. Magnets.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07They have got one wooden leg, though, haven't they, so that's not so difficult.
0:22:07 > 0:22:09Why? Why was Julius Caesar kidnapped by pirates?
0:22:09 > 0:22:13- Under what circumstances?- It was a ransom, simply, it was a business...
0:22:13 > 0:22:15But they didn't kill him, it sounds like he was harsh.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17He went after them and had them crucified.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19He was not a man to be trifled with. Julie.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- Well, especially if you call him Julie, I imagine.- Yeah, no, he didn't like that.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26The worst thing you can do to Julius Caesar, call him Julie.
0:22:26 > 0:22:30Is call him Jules. There is a suggestion that Stockholm syndrome could be
0:22:30 > 0:22:33a sort of psychological thing, in the same way that women
0:22:33 > 0:22:36throughout history have had to put up with being taken and seized
0:22:36 > 0:22:39and that the human being is conditioned to make the best of a bad job.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43- Well, we've all been there.- But that's just a relationship, Stephen.
0:22:43 > 0:22:47- Oh yes, that's right.- But it is sort of logical, if you thought you were being kidnapped long-term,
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- it makes sense to try and see it from the other person's point of view. - Yes, it does.
0:22:50 > 0:22:54- Just to maintain sanity, apart from anything.- In fact, to get the syndrome to work on them,
0:22:54 > 0:22:58rather than you, for them to be so fond of you, they would no longer want to kill you.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59Which would be handy.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Now, what's a good reason for faking your own kidnapping?
0:23:02 > 0:23:05Oh, I mean...
0:23:05 > 0:23:07If you're bored on holiday?
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- That would do it.- You're trying to get out of a relationship,
0:23:10 > 0:23:12that's why I always do it.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15There was an American man who pretended to be kidnapped
0:23:15 > 0:23:18just so that he had an excuse as to why he hadn't
0:23:18 > 0:23:20called his girlfriend for two weeks.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22LAUGHTER
0:23:22 > 0:23:24He was terrified of her reaction.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27And the police realised it because he had duct tape
0:23:27 > 0:23:31round his wrists, but the reel, the spool of it was still connected.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33You can't tear it with your teeth, it's so fibrous.
0:23:33 > 0:23:37I could imagine the girlfriend saying, "You could still have texted."
0:23:37 > 0:23:39Yes, exactly. Exactly, he could have done.
0:23:39 > 0:23:42There was Jennifer Wilbanks of Duluth,
0:23:42 > 0:23:45who faked a kidnapping to get out of attending her own wedding.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Yeah, I've been there.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50But weirdest of all, there was a 2008 case of another Spaniard,
0:23:50 > 0:23:53Josefa Sanchez Vargas, who convinced
0:23:53 > 0:23:56her husband to pay more than half a million pounds to secure the release
0:23:56 > 0:24:00of their children. It was a faked kidnapping, which you'd say,
0:24:00 > 0:24:04"Well, that's, we expect that," except she did that six times over five years.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06He didn't twig.
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- That's quite a nest egg, isn't it? - Every time she needed a new hat.
0:24:09 > 0:24:12Some people get kidnapped just for the thrill of it.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15- Can you imagine why that would be? - So they pay for kidnappers to kidnap them
0:24:15 > 0:24:17so they can experience the visceral thrill of, you know,
0:24:17 > 0:24:20being in a car boot with a load of duct tape round your ankles.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- Absolutely that.- People are weird. - I know.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25Anyway, yes, there's a French company that,
0:24:25 > 0:24:28for 900 Euros, gives you your basic kidnapping.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31Which is being shoved into a car boot and held down and blindfolded.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34And then, for a little extra money, you can have helicopter chases
0:24:34 > 0:24:36and really quite sort of sexy stuff.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40- And then, they'll cut your ear off and send it to your mum.- Yes.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43So now it's time for me to hold you all hostage.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45There's no escape from General Ignorance.
0:24:45 > 0:24:47Fingers on the buzzers please.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51How long should you wait before reporting a missing person to the police?
0:24:51 > 0:24:52PLAINSONG PLAYS
0:24:52 > 0:24:54- Yes, Sue?- Well, certainly until they're missing.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56LAUGHTER
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- Very good.- Until they're out of sight.- Yeah.- Yes, that's...
0:24:59 > 0:25:03- Just when they've left the road. - Yes, when they've turned the corner. - Yes.- When is it too soon?
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Just going to make a cup of tea. Right, I'm ringing.
0:25:06 > 0:25:0824 hours?
0:25:08 > 0:25:09KLAXON
0:25:09 > 0:25:10Ah, no.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16- You shouldn't wait at all, if you're convinced someone's missing. - Absolutely right.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19If you take your child into a supermarket, it would be 20 minutes, wouldn't it?
0:25:19 > 0:25:23- You know that they're gone. - 20 seconds.- 20 seconds. You just check they're not there.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25I'm going to wait 24 hours.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28Go home to my wife, "Well, I don't know where she is."
0:25:28 > 0:25:29LAUGHTER
0:25:29 > 0:25:32- "But I'm going to wait till tomorrow."- Yes.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35"We might as well go out, because we don't have to get a baby-sitter."
0:25:35 > 0:25:38LAUGHTER
0:25:38 > 0:25:41"Let's go and have a curry and some wine and phone her in the morning."
0:25:41 > 0:25:45You're absolutely right. Then of course if it's an adult, it doesn't matter,
0:25:45 > 0:25:48cos the police are very likely just to say, "That's not our business."
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Unless they have a particular problem.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52But the fact is, yeah, there is no set time.
0:25:52 > 0:25:55The police use their own skill and judgement, as it were.
0:25:55 > 0:25:57- If it's a child, there's obviously...- Oh, well.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59ALAN LAUGHS
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- I don't know why that's... - That's a message.
0:26:01 > 0:26:04That's three words you don't hear in the same sentence, isn't it?
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Yeah, you just hope you're not burgled soon, Alan.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10Oh, I was burgled so many times in the '90s that one time
0:26:10 > 0:26:13they came round, it was like the fifth time I'd been burgled,
0:26:13 > 0:26:15they came round and my cat came in, and this constable goes,
0:26:15 > 0:26:17"If only he could talk."
0:26:17 > 0:26:20LAUGHTER
0:26:20 > 0:26:23That's fantastic. Oh, that's brilliant.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Is that how we're going to, is that it then?
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Is that the extent of the investigation?
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Willing the animal to give evidence.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Now, what did Parliament pay for to put in Sir Peter Viggers' garden?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36PLAINSONG PLAYS
0:26:36 > 0:26:37Yes?
0:26:37 > 0:26:38The notorious duck house.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40KLAXON
0:26:40 > 0:26:42Ah. You're in the duck house there.
0:26:42 > 0:26:45The fact is, the duck house was one of the ones that they turned down.
0:26:45 > 0:26:50- Oh.- Yeah, he put in claims for £32,000 for gardening.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53£500 for 28 tonnes of manure.
0:26:53 > 0:26:57£1,645 for the duck island, but that was turned down
0:26:57 > 0:27:01by the eagle-eyed guardians of the national purse.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04It's probably worth mentioning that at the same time as that
0:27:04 > 0:27:06eight billion pounds was spent bailing out the banks,
0:27:06 > 0:27:09it was just that was too big a sum for anyone to get their heads around,
0:27:09 > 0:27:12so they went, "What? Ten pounds for a sandwich?!"
0:27:12 > 0:27:14- I know.- This is appalling. - It is, it's fascinating, isn't it?
0:27:14 > 0:27:17Sir Peter Viggers later commented that the duck house was,
0:27:17 > 0:27:18"Never liked by the ducks..."
0:27:18 > 0:27:20LAUGHTER
0:27:20 > 0:27:21"..and is now in storage."
0:27:21 > 0:27:23Ah, look, there they are. They don't need an island.
0:27:23 > 0:27:25- (I love ducks, don't you?)- Hmm.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28You never see that sort of thing on a coat of arms, do you?
0:27:28 > 0:27:31All the sort of lions and dragons, you never see something nice like a duck.
0:27:31 > 0:27:35- A duck.- Or a, you know, Eggs Benedict, or some sort of friendly,
0:27:35 > 0:27:39- like a friendly thing.- Yes, like a hamster or guinea pig or something.- Yeah.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41- That's true. A furry bearing. - Yes.
0:27:41 > 0:27:45Anyway, the famous duck house didn't cost the taxpayer a penny.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48And with that last tilt at our old friend General Ignorance,
0:27:48 > 0:27:51we reach the end of tonight's performance,
0:27:51 > 0:27:54and I can tell you that it is incredibly exciting.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58We have leaders, two leaders, with plus three, Richard and Victoria.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:00 > 0:28:01Wowzer!
0:28:05 > 0:28:09In third place, with minus seven, Alan Davies,
0:28:09 > 0:28:12highly commendable, highly commendable.
0:28:12 > 0:28:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:15 > 0:28:18And with a fantastic minus 24 is Sue Perkins.
0:28:18 > 0:28:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:21 > 0:28:22Well...
0:28:26 > 0:28:29And it only remains for me to thank my panellists,
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Victoria, Sue, Richard and Alan.
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Thank you and goodnight!
0:28:58 > 0:29:02Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd