0:00:31 > 0:00:34Goo-oo-od evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:34 > 0:00:37good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI,
0:00:37 > 0:00:39where tonight we're looking at everything in the kitchen
0:00:39 > 0:00:41but the sink.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Joining me at the breakfast bar, cooking with gas, Jason Manford.
0:00:49 > 0:00:52Sharp as a knife, Victoria Wood.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59Pointless as a spoon, Richard Osman.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Hiya.
0:01:03 > 0:01:06And I got this fork off Alan Davies.
0:01:12 > 0:01:17Let's hear your pingers. Jason goes...
0:01:17 > 0:01:19BEEP-BEEP-BEEP
0:01:19 > 0:01:21And Victoria goes...
0:01:21 > 0:01:24TICK-TICK-TICK DING!
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Richard goes...
0:01:25 > 0:01:27DRING!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29And Alan goes...
0:01:29 > 0:01:34EXPLOSION AND ALARM
0:01:34 > 0:01:37We're having a kitchen supper tonight.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39Which of the following do you fancy?
0:01:39 > 0:01:42Take me through these... lovely dishes.
0:01:44 > 0:01:46They're all real.
0:01:46 > 0:01:48Is the buttocktongue Marks & Spencer's buttocktongue?
0:01:48 > 0:01:51It's "your" buttocktongue.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- Oh, right.- Yes, exactly. - Lovely.- Work on tongue.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Well, I'll have to be careful when I say that...
0:01:56 > 0:01:59if you just take the last three letters off tongue, you get?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01Oh, so like, like a biltong?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Biltong is right.
0:02:03 > 0:02:06It's a hindquarters tongue, which sounds weird, but that's what it is.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- Biltong, have you ever had biltong? - No, I'm a vegetarian.- Ah.
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Meet Alan.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13He's a vegetarian, too.
0:02:13 > 0:02:16- Hold on, is biltong not vegetarian? - No!
0:02:16 > 0:02:17So what is it? The bottom?
0:02:17 > 0:02:20It's dried - well, it's the dried hindquarters.
0:02:20 > 0:02:21So, does it have the actual...?
0:02:21 > 0:02:24The hindquarters, which are buttocks on an animal.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26But does it have the arsehole in it?
0:02:26 > 0:02:28- Not the... - LAUGHTER
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- I think not. - That's in hot dogs, I think.
0:02:30 > 0:02:31- Has it got a tube? - Yeah, that's in...
0:02:31 > 0:02:34- They save that for hot dogs and pork pies.- Yeah.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36So, that's a good one. You've started.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- Any other thoughts? - Kleftiko, that's...
0:02:38 > 0:02:40That's on a menu in a Greek restaurant, isn't it?
0:02:40 > 0:02:42Yes, kleftiko, exactly, does exist.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44And it was originally called "kleptiko",
0:02:44 > 0:02:46which might give you a hint.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47Klept.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- Kleptomaniac?- It's all stolen. - Kleptomania, kleptos is a thief.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54And it was anti-Ottoman empire bandits who lived in the hills,
0:02:54 > 0:02:55and they made up this dish,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58so it was named after them, it's a thieves' dish.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01It's quite elaborate for a bandit person to be doing.
0:03:01 > 0:03:05They were - you should see their souffles. They were extraordinary.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Actually souffles brings us onto nun's farts.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11Well, it's - when you pop one...
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Why specifically a nun's, though? I mean...
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Cos nun's farts smell like souffle. Keep up!
0:03:21 > 0:03:22He's just given you that,
0:03:22 > 0:03:26- when he gives you one, for goodness' sake, grab it.- Yes, take notice.
0:03:26 > 0:03:29A lot of French dishes have - or, indeed, European dishes -
0:03:29 > 0:03:33have their - pumpernickel is a devil's fart, "pumpen", pump, fart,
0:03:33 > 0:03:36"nickel", Old Nick. And that's a bread, so they have rude names.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38And there's a - isn't there a cheese which is, er,
0:03:38 > 0:03:40angel's tits or something like that?
0:03:40 > 0:03:44- You can tell which ones are farting from their pained expressions.- Yeah.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46That's like the cast of Dad's Army on a...
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- fancy dress party.- I think out of them all there, I'd go, I'd say...
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- Which one?- She's definitely... She's definitely farted,
0:03:52 > 0:03:53and the rest don't know yet.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55Look at the smile.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Look at the smile on her face.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01That's a massive board and they all just put their faces through.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- Like on a pier.- Yeah.
0:04:04 > 0:04:08Nun's farts are little balls of pastry deep-fried, and they puff up.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11They're also called whore's farts or Spanish farts,
0:04:11 > 0:04:13in French, "pets-de-nonne".
0:04:13 > 0:04:15"Pets" is "fart" in French.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18These days they've disappointingly been renamed as nun's puffs.
0:04:20 > 0:04:23Or possibly poofs, I don't know how you would say it, it's hard to tell.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26- Bishops, often, they're called that. - Bishops, yes, exactly.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Treacle. Treacle. Anti-venereal treacle?
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Wouldn't want to lick it off.
0:04:33 > 0:04:34You're right.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36It sold much better than pro-venereal treacle, didn't it?
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- That didn't...- Yes! - That didn't sell.- It really didn't.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43- Yeah, they really... - The two great treacles.- Yeah.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45The word treacle has had an interesting history.
0:04:45 > 0:04:46It now means, of course...
0:04:46 > 0:04:49Yeah, it used to mean any sort of medicine, didn't it?
0:04:49 > 0:04:50Or any sort of...
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Even without a computer in front of you, you're good.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55That is very - or have you got one hidden under there?
0:04:55 > 0:04:57No, I'm very impressed, you're absolutely right.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59A treacle was generally any kind of specific
0:04:59 > 0:05:02- against diseases and things. - Or a term of endearment, weirdly.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04"Treacle," yes, in EastEnders and that sort of thing, isn't it?
0:05:04 > 0:05:08- "All right, Treacle?" - "All right, anti-venereal treacle?"
0:05:08 > 0:05:10That's what they call some of those characters.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Auntie Venereal Treacle.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Yes.
0:05:14 > 0:05:18"It's your Auntie Venereal, Treacle."
0:05:20 > 0:05:23"You come in for your tea, Chlamydia."
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Where was it...? There was - in America,
0:05:26 > 0:05:29- Verruca's quite a popular name. - Really?!
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- People copy it from...- BOTH: Charlie And The Chocolate Factory.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35They don't know - they don't call verrucas "verrucas" in America.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- So they don't know it's actually... - They don't know it's an awful thing.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- Verruca Salt.- Yeah. - Brilliant. I'm so pleased.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46- So if they don't call chlamydia "chlamydia"...- Yes...
0:05:46 > 0:05:49All you need to do is put it in a popular children's book as a name...
0:05:49 > 0:05:51- Brilliant.- Before you know it...
0:05:51 > 0:05:53It would be one of the most popular names.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- Barack Obama will have a daughter called Chlamydia.- Called Chlamydia!
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Chlamydia Obama.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Which brings us to Dog and Maggot.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- Does it? - Well, it doesn't necessarily.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06It sounds like rhyming slang for...
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- someone of my persuasion.- Taggart.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11Oh...
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- I was going to go with the ITV show Taggart.- Oh, right.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18"There's been a murder, Dog and Maggot."
0:06:18 > 0:06:21- A Scotsman in the mist. See what I did there?- Yeah.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24If I was to say "hard tack" to you, does that mean anything?
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Ship's biscuits?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28Very good. Ship's biscuits were known as hard tack.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31And there's a famous scene in the Battleship Potemkin,
0:06:31 > 0:06:33do you remember? If you've ever seen it.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35- No, I'm a vegetarian. - The great Eisenstein movie...
0:06:35 > 0:06:37LAUGHTER
0:06:39 > 0:06:41That's going to be an answer to a lot of questions, isn't it?
0:06:41 > 0:06:43"No, I'm a vegetarian."
0:06:43 > 0:06:47The Potemkin was a ship in which there was a mutiny,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49and there's a scene of them cracking open a ship's biscuit
0:06:49 > 0:06:52- and the maggots... it's really horrible.- Eurgh.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54And this is a British biscuit
0:06:54 > 0:06:57called "Dog" because it was the consistency of a dog biscuit
0:06:57 > 0:06:59and "Maggot" because it had maggots in it,
0:06:59 > 0:07:01but it was - in the First World War it was part of the rations.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04God. I think I'd rather eat the cutlery.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- I think you're right. - If that choice came up.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09I'll just have a chew on this knife, don't worry about it.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11You know what I think I'd like with a fork?
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Rather than having all the prongs in a line,
0:07:13 > 0:07:15why can't they be in a kind of a square shape,
0:07:15 > 0:07:17so you've got a kind of...
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- Do you know, hold that thought. - That's a good idea.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- Because we might be coming on to that later in the exam.- Really?
0:07:22 > 0:07:24- Wow.- Yes.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26It might come up.
0:07:26 > 0:07:31"Sir said it wouldn't come up this term, but it might have come up."
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- I'll revise that.- Yeah.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Anyway, there you are. Here's some unusual cutlery.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40I'd like you to tell me what kind of thing you could eat with them.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42You've all got some,
0:07:42 > 0:07:44but I'll start off with the one that you mentioned, there.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- You said with tines, that were... - You just invented that, a minute ago.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49There you are. Isn't it incredible?
0:07:49 > 0:07:51- You mentioned something like it. - That's weird.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Isn't it? It's usage is very, very specific.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56You don't actually handle it yourself,
0:07:56 > 0:07:59because you're so high-born that somebody else feeds you using that.
0:07:59 > 0:08:01With what on it, though?
0:08:01 > 0:08:03- Some sort of fruit?- No.
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Is it a testicle?
0:08:04 > 0:08:06It might include a testicle.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Is it a scrotum?
0:08:10 > 0:08:11It might include a scrotum.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14What else really includes a testicle, Stephen?
0:08:14 > 0:08:16The whole schmear.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18A-A whole mammal.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Yes, a whole mammal. Let's just imagine I'm talking to one.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24- Oh, God.- A comedian.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34No, a cannibal. That's the point, a human being.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- Oh, human.- Oh...
0:08:38 > 0:08:42Yours is a reproduction, sold as a souvenir item on the island of?
0:08:42 > 0:08:44- Or islands of?- Wight.
0:08:44 > 0:08:45Man.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47LAUGHTER
0:08:50 > 0:08:54More accurate if you'd said the Isle of Man, I would have thought.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56- Oh, yeah.- Think of the... cannibal island,
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- it was part of the British Empire. - Oh, Guernsey.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04- Fiji.- Fiji.- Fiji. - Oh, I might have known.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Yeah, you might have done. Fiji is the answer.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08These are Fijian human forks.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10- Two cannibals are eating someone... - Yes?
0:09:10 > 0:09:13..and one says, "you start at the toes, I'll start at the head."
0:09:13 > 0:09:16He says, "All right." Halfway through he says, "You all right?"
0:09:16 > 0:09:17He says, "Yeah, I'm having a ball."
0:09:17 > 0:09:19He says, "You're going too fast."
0:09:22 > 0:09:24- There you go.- Excellent work.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- There you go.- Excellent work. - Old cannibal joke for you.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29So there you are. And what have you got, Victoria?
0:09:29 > 0:09:32- This, which is a strange... - Very hard. If you guess that...
0:09:32 > 0:09:34- A spoon with holes in it. - I'll give you 100 points
0:09:34 > 0:09:37if you guess what that is specifically for.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41Oh, it's for Coco Pops so you get the milk at the bottom...
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- chocolaty.- It would work as that. - It would.
0:09:44 > 0:09:47It's actually very specifically for terrapins and turtles.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49I don't usually eat them.
0:09:49 > 0:09:52- You're a vegetarian. I know. - Exactly.- Oh, I see.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54- The flesh is delicious, apparently. - Oh, OK.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- The giant turtle, famously... - Aren't they protected, Stephen?
0:09:56 > 0:09:58You're not supposed to be chomping away on them.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01Oh, gosh, no, absolutely not. No, the Ridleys and all those...
0:10:01 > 0:10:04- Well, why are you saying we should kill them and eat them?- No!
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Why are you giving me cutlery to damage terrapins?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- You said that.- We used to. - Weird thing to say on television,
0:10:08 > 0:10:10- that we should eat turtles. - I take it back.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13- We shouldn't be killing them. - But they're delicious.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15There is a special piece of cutlery for them.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- And apparently they're delicious. - We have some cutlery for them,
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- and they're delicious. - Just in case.
0:10:20 > 0:10:21And Jason what have you got?
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Ahem...
0:10:23 > 0:10:27Ooh. Now this is interesting.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30Don't look at your reflection in it, that'll only upset you.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31I was seeing if that's what was unusual.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33- No.- Oh, my God, it's Tom Selleck.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36That's weird, isn't it? Of all the people.
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Have a grip and a twist.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39- OK. Oh!- Ah.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41It turns, it turns like that.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- Yeah.- Is it supposed to...? - All the way.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44Oh, all the way, OK.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46Oh, and then it just becomes, like...
0:10:46 > 0:10:47- It's broken.- It's...
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- It's a breakable spoon!- Brilliant.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54No, but look in the spoon end. The ladle end.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56- It's hollow.- Yeah. Oh, inside there.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58So you could fill it with something.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00- A message.- Hot water? - Hot water.
0:11:00 > 0:11:01Oh, I was going to say turtle blood.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09- Oh, I see.- You fill it with hot water and it's a gravy spoon
0:11:09 > 0:11:12that keeps the gravy nice and warm to stop the fat congealing.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- Oh, I like that.- Richard? - Great idea.
0:11:14 > 0:11:17Are we going to have anything that you can eat testicles with?
0:11:18 > 0:11:20- They may be coming up. - Eat them with that.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- Here we go, here we go. - Yes, now what's that?
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- Are they holes, in the end?- Ah! - Yeah, it's got all perforations.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28- You see, you've learnt from your thing.- Yes.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30There are perforations in the ladle itself
0:11:30 > 0:11:32and the spoon part itself, the bowl. What about the other end?
0:11:32 > 0:11:36- It's got a little hole in it. - Ah. So what could you do?
0:11:36 > 0:11:37- Well...- You could hang it...
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- I'm going to insert it into the... - Cheese.- ..backside of a turtle.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Just there. Literally just there.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45And then, I think, you tell me if I'm wrong,
0:11:45 > 0:11:47you squeeze, is that right?
0:11:47 > 0:11:49Squeeze down on the shell.
0:11:49 > 0:11:52And out it comes, and then you've essentially got yourself a smoothie
0:11:52 > 0:11:53which comes out of the end.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Is it a turtle blood smoothie maker?
0:11:56 > 0:11:58It's so close.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01If I said the word "mate" to you, would that mean anything?
0:12:01 > 0:12:05Have you ever travelled to an area where you drink mate tea?
0:12:05 > 0:12:06- Audience? - AUDIENCE MEMBER: Argentina.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09- Argentina and Peru, and various other places.- Of course.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11- It's called mate.- There we go. We've got that sorted.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13So, basically, it does a marvellous job.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15It stirs the leaves
0:12:15 > 0:12:18and allows you to drink the tea all in one without needing a strainer.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19Oh, it's a straw.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22- It's a straw, you suck it up. - Ah, that's so good.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24It's an Argentinian mate spoon.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28Now, what's the quickest way to cool down my kitchen?
0:12:28 > 0:12:31I'm going to - just because I'd love to get a klaxon sound,
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- is it opening the fridge?- Ah! - KLAXON
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- That would make it hotter.- Somehow that makes it hotter, doesn't it?
0:12:39 > 0:12:41- Turning on the oven.- Turning on the oven would not cool...
0:12:41 > 0:12:44- Turning on the top of the stove. Put the gas on.- Right.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Because the coolest place in front of a fire is right in front.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49Oh, I see what you mean, but that would still warm up the room.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- Yeah, all right, it's just a thought.- No, don't...
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Don't be cross, it's good you didn't say turn on the fan,
0:12:54 > 0:12:57- which would have got you a klaxon. - I wasn't going to say that.- Exactly.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58Can I just say, turn on the fan?
0:12:58 > 0:13:00- Oh, you've gone klaxon mad! - KLAXON
0:13:02 > 0:13:04- It is...- Why - so why would opening the fridge...?
0:13:04 > 0:13:06It's the second law of thermodynamics.
0:13:06 > 0:13:09The energy you need to create the coolness creates work.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12And energy and work are basically congruent, in physics, to heat.
0:13:12 > 0:13:13And so the back of a fridge...
0:13:13 > 0:13:15But what if the motor of my fridge is outside my...
0:13:15 > 0:13:18- I'm thinking exactly that. - Ah, if that were the case, yes.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19- Cos you haven't been to my kitchen. - No!
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- I said my kitchen, though, that was in the question.- I'm so sorry.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24We had it covered.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26In the case of an air conditioner, of course,
0:13:26 > 0:13:27the back is always outside.
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- So a fan that is just cooling the air...- Yeah,
0:13:29 > 0:13:31the motor of the fan warms the room.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33And what's up with them windows? Do they not open?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35Well, that would be a good answer. Exactly.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37What about opening the windows?!
0:13:37 > 0:13:39- Yes, that's fine, you might get a point for that.- Yes!
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- Why's it so hot in your kitchen? - I know.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44What have you been doing?
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Cooking.
0:13:45 > 0:13:49What protected species have you been slaughtering in your kitchen?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52Boiling terrapins by the dozen.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55"Open a window, Stephen!"
0:13:55 > 0:13:58"No, I like it hot and sweaty!"
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Scraping the froth off.
0:14:00 > 0:14:01Oh, don't!
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Where's my mate spoon?
0:14:05 > 0:14:06Anyway, let's move on.
0:14:06 > 0:14:10if you leave the fridge door open, the room will actually get warmer.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Which breed of dog makes the best kebab?
0:14:15 > 0:14:18You need one with an opposable digit to make any kind of sandwich.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Hey, very good!
0:14:20 > 0:14:22What about a sheep dog?
0:14:22 > 0:14:24- KLAXON - Whoa.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29I was going to say sausage dog, so I'm glad I went for that.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31KLAXON
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Yeah, what about a kebab dog?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41There isn't such a dog, fortunately.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45There's a shop near me, there's a takeaway near me called Kebabish.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48And I like it, because it sort of sounds like the guy who owns it,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50even he doesn't know what's in the meat.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51"What is it?"
0:14:51 > 0:14:54"I don't know, it's just kebabish, it's just like a kebab."
0:14:54 > 0:14:55Funny you should say that,
0:14:55 > 0:14:58because doner kebabs have come under scrutiny lately.
0:14:58 > 0:15:00The average doner has 1,000 calories,
0:15:00 > 0:15:03- half a woman's recommended daily allowance.- Wow.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04Even a woman called Donna.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06Even a woman called Donna, in fact.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09The worst have almost 2,000 calories.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12An average has 98% of the recommended daily allowance of salt,
0:15:12 > 0:15:18and 148% of the recommended daily allowance of saturated fat.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20I know reading those out is supposed to put us off,
0:15:20 > 0:15:22but I could kill for one now.
0:15:23 > 0:15:26It did sound - all the stuff about saturated fat sounded delicious.
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- Oh, yes.- It did, didn't it? - That just sounds like a bargain,
0:15:29 > 0:15:31if you're getting 98% of your salt,
0:15:31 > 0:15:35means you don't have to get it anywhere else, do you?
0:15:35 > 0:15:37APPLAUSE
0:15:37 > 0:15:40It's called a doner kebab - I mean, because it's Turkish for a spit,
0:15:40 > 0:15:43generally, a going-round thing, a rotisserie.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46Because the standard kebab is, like, on a skewer, isn't it?
0:15:46 > 0:15:47- A shish.- A shish.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50And I never knew you could pull them off the skewer before you ate them,
0:15:50 > 0:15:52when I was a boy, I was going to go like that,
0:15:52 > 0:15:54and then I'd go, "Argh..."
0:15:56 > 0:15:59And then I saw someone just pulling them all off. Exactly!
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Ow!
0:16:03 > 0:16:07- That's how the Queen eats them. - Yeah, I'm sure she does.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08So, do you have dogs?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10No, I don't like things that don't talk.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13You don't like things that...? I love that rule.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15I don't like things that don't make jokes.
0:16:15 > 0:16:17That's a really good rule.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19It excludes some men, obviously.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21Yeah, I was going to say, some men as well.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Because we are literally speaking about a breed of dog
0:16:24 > 0:16:26that has since gone out of existence.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29It's no longer bred and it's become extinct as a breed.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30But it used - but it used to talk?
0:16:30 > 0:16:34No, no, sorry. We're conflating, unfortunately, here.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36It was a spit dog, a turnspit dog.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37It was actually bred...
0:16:37 > 0:16:39- Spit the Dog.- There is one. - Oh, Spit the Dog!
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- It's a really cute... - Bob Carolgees...
0:16:41 > 0:16:43It's a cute breed, look at it. Isn't it cute?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- It's not cute, it's weird. - No, it's not, it's horrible.
0:16:45 > 0:16:48- It's like a Star Wars dog. - Oh, I think it looks lovely.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51It's - this is a stuffed one in Abergavenny museum, I ought to say.
0:16:51 > 0:16:54- The taxidermist has bollocksed that right up.- Well...
0:16:55 > 0:16:59- The head's wrong.- It's stuffed with feta and vine leaves.
0:16:59 > 0:17:03Their job was to walk round
0:17:03 > 0:17:07keeping the roast meat on a spit evenly cooked.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09They were actually bred for that job.
0:17:09 > 0:17:11They were inside a wheel and they turned the wheel.
0:17:11 > 0:17:13Like a hamster in a Ferris wheel.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15And it worked beautifully well.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17And on their day off they would get taken to church
0:17:17 > 0:17:18and used as foot warmers.
0:17:20 > 0:17:21That was the life of...
0:17:21 > 0:17:25It sounds like they went into extinction through choice.
0:17:25 > 0:17:29- "I've had enough of this. Come on, lads."- Yes.
0:17:29 > 0:17:32And Queen Victoria kept retired ones as pets.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34She actually liked them rather a lot.
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- It's a nice thought, isn't it? - It looks sad.- Yeah.- Well, yeah.
0:17:37 > 0:17:41- It is dead. - Because the box is too small.- Yes!
0:17:41 > 0:17:47There were, in 1765, estimated to be 3,000 turnspit dogs in Bath alone.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Not everyone liked them.
0:17:49 > 0:17:50William Cotesworth of Gateshead
0:17:50 > 0:17:52wrote that he had got rid of his turnspit,
0:17:52 > 0:17:54"To keep the dog from the fire, the wheel out of the way
0:17:54 > 0:17:58"and the dog prevented from shitting upon everything it could."
0:17:58 > 0:18:00That's the problem, you don't want poo.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03That's northerners for you, though.
0:18:03 > 0:18:04Well, that's your answer.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Turnspit dogs. They got hot during the working week
0:18:07 > 0:18:09and on Sunday were used as foot warmers.
0:18:09 > 0:18:15Now, when Koreans went into space, what did they take to chow down on?
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- You've got a bowl, Victoria... - I've got a bowl?
0:18:17 > 0:18:18..and you can eat some.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21- Phwoar, blimey! - It is quite a strong smell.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22- Oh, you really can.- It really is.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25- They took that into space? - Yeah.- Was that to get rid of it?
0:18:25 > 0:18:27It is a bit smelly, it's actually delicious.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- Let's hope there's pudding. - Korean astronaut food?
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Well, they developed a special breed of it for astronauts.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35I think it's got cabbage in it.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37It has, it's mostly cabbage.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39It's almost like a kind of sauerkraut.
0:18:41 > 0:18:45Sorry, I dropped my chopsticks.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47You can't drop anything in space.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49You merely release.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52The point about this food is that it is generally reckoned
0:18:52 > 0:18:56that this food is more celebrated and loved by the Koreans
0:18:56 > 0:18:59than any food in any other culture is loved by any other culture.
0:18:59 > 0:19:02It is absolutely their identity.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04They've not... They've not had a pie in the north.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07No, well, believe me, they talk about this food
0:19:07 > 0:19:09far more even than northerners talk about pies.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11In Wigan, you know, on the back of bakers' vans
0:19:11 > 0:19:15they've got a sign that says, "No pies are left in this van overnight."
0:19:18 > 0:19:20It's true, that.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22That's how important they are.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24That is very good.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26But if you can name this food, I'd be very impressed,
0:19:26 > 0:19:29because it really is the essence of Korea.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31They really are obsessed with it.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33- Have you ever heard of it?- No.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36- It begins with K, which is a help. - AUDIENCE: Kimchi.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Kimchi is the right answer, from the audience. K-I-M-C-H-I.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41- Well, it's bloody lovely. - It is really good, isn't it?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44- It's pretty healthy.- Have you got any more?- Do you want mine?
0:19:44 > 0:19:45It's mostly cabbage...
0:19:47 > 0:19:51- I tell you what, I'm going to Korea on holiday.- Yeah!
0:19:51 > 0:19:53It is genuinely delicious, isn't it?
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- It's quite piquant, it's quite hot, it's got a bit of chilli.- Yeah.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59It's mostly radish and cabbage, and it's very, very simple.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01But there are lots of different...
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- I can feel myself becoming more obedient.- Yeah.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12Finally! At last.
0:20:12 > 0:20:13- Do you know what, though?- Tell me.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15- You know when you want a second one...- Yeah.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- You don't, really. - It's just too much. Yeah.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22They eat two million tonnes of this a year.
0:20:22 > 0:20:23- Each?! - In South Korea on its own.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27I think that would be - even that is too much.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31Some make their own and bury it in a sealed jar over winter.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34Others have special kimchi refrigerators.
0:20:34 > 0:20:39- When you open the door of them, they heat the room up.- Whooo!
0:20:39 > 0:20:44- It is quite hot.- It's quite hot, it's quite hot.- Yeah.
0:20:44 > 0:20:47It's really HO-O-OT!
0:20:47 > 0:20:49In 2010 they had a...
0:20:49 > 0:20:53- KOREAN ACCENT:- "You like kimchi, ha, ha, ha! You western fool!
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- "Afterburn!" - No racial stereotyping here, then.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00Just cheap laughs, cheap laughs, Stephen.
0:21:00 > 0:21:04That is just - that's razy lacism, and you know it.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Um, in 2010 they had a cabbage crop failure
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- and the price rose by 400%. - Shut up! Oh!
0:21:10 > 0:21:14And they spent millions on the South Korean astronaut,
0:21:14 > 0:21:15who went up into space.
0:21:15 > 0:21:20And...so she could have a kimchi that was bacterially more sound
0:21:20 > 0:21:22and would survive in space better,
0:21:22 > 0:21:25because it was absolutely crucial to her wellbeing as a Korean.
0:21:25 > 0:21:28And indeed, Chung Il-kwon, when he was President,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30during the Vietnam war, said to President Johnson,
0:21:30 > 0:21:35who asked, when he was away, "What do you miss in Korea?"
0:21:35 > 0:21:38He said, to be honest he missed kimchi more than he missed his wife.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40Is Kimchi the name of his mistress?
0:21:41 > 0:21:42Possibly.
0:21:42 > 0:21:47Anyway, for Koreans, kimchi is literally out of this world.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50Now, here's the skull of King Richard III,
0:21:50 > 0:21:52but what can you tell me about his table manners,
0:21:52 > 0:21:54just by looking at it?
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Well, he was very good at eating Toblerone.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Anything else you can tell?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02What's unusual about his teeth compared to ours?
0:22:02 > 0:22:06- Space for a straw, that would be... - Space for a straw, yes!
0:22:06 > 0:22:11Notice your teeth, the top row and the bottom row.
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Close your mouth, naturally.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16- Yeah.- Your top row... Overbite.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18We've all got an overbite.
0:22:18 > 0:22:22Cruelly called by Billy Crystal in When Harry Met Sally,
0:22:22 > 0:22:23dancing, "white man's overbite."
0:22:26 > 0:22:27But the actual overbite,
0:22:27 > 0:22:30literally like that, is a recent thing in human beings.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34And it comes after forks, because we cut up our food.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36And in the days when we wrenched our food,
0:22:36 > 0:22:38the incisors would get smoothed down more,
0:22:38 > 0:22:40and the teeth would fit exactly.
0:22:40 > 0:22:44And it shows that Richard III didn't use a fork for cutting his food,
0:22:44 > 0:22:45which we know,
0:22:45 > 0:22:50because forks were not used for transferring food to your mouth.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52Right up to Tudor times, you would use...?
0:22:52 > 0:22:53- Your hands.- Your hands.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55So if we brought up children without knives and forks,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58- they wouldn't develop an overbite? - No.- You know what?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00I'm going to try. I'll come back here in 21 years' time.
0:23:00 > 0:23:01- Call me a liar.- We'll see.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04- It's true. - With a really resentful-looking boy.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07- I've got twins, so - one I'm going to give a fork.- Brilliant!
0:23:07 > 0:23:09- Brilliant!- And one - I'll have the perfect experiment.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12- It is superb. Unethical, but perfect.- Yeah.
0:23:12 > 0:23:16And you can sort of show this by the difference in civilisations
0:23:16 > 0:23:17who've developed overbites.
0:23:17 > 0:23:22And 1,000 years ago you can see where Chinese aristocratic skulls
0:23:22 > 0:23:24have an overbite, but peasants don't.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27And it's when they started to use chopsticks
0:23:27 > 0:23:30and chop up their food, and then it spread throughout the population.
0:23:30 > 0:23:32So it really does - it sounds weird,
0:23:32 > 0:23:34but this overbite we have is an acquired characteristic
0:23:34 > 0:23:36because of our chopping-up of food.
0:23:36 > 0:23:38You can just tell by looking at skulls.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Just go through any graveyard, dig people up,
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- and you'll see I'm right, Jason. - "Stephen Fry told me to do it."
0:23:43 > 0:23:45- Yes, absolutely! - While I'm chewing on a turtle.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- "Really bad influence."- Yeah.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51So, anyway, I'll give you 100 points
0:23:51 > 0:23:53if you can name two traditional Italian breads.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Oh, so tempting!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01Well, now...ciabatta.
0:24:01 > 0:24:05- KLAXON - Oh!
0:24:05 > 0:24:07- Er...- We're already there.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11Ciabatta was invented in 1982, can you believe? It's that recent.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14- No, shut up.- Yeah, it was an Italian baker
0:24:14 > 0:24:17who was worried about the threat of French baguettes,
0:24:17 > 0:24:19and it's the Italian for, you can redeem yourself if you know?
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Baguette.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25That would be too easy, no. It's not really the shape of it.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28- Handbag?- Well that's closer, it's...
0:24:28 > 0:24:29- Slipper.- Yes!
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Brilliant, it was a slipper, yes.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34It was - he was Arnaldo Cavallari, was his name,
0:24:34 > 0:24:38and it was a specific invention, he called it "Ciabatta Polesano",
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Polesine is a part of northern Italy.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43So it really is very recent.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45Some people claim that it was around since the '40s,
0:24:45 > 0:24:48but there doesn't seem to be any proof of this,
0:24:48 > 0:24:50the name doesn't appear before 1982.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54Now, what can you see coming out of your kettle as it boils?
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Vapour.
0:24:55 > 0:24:59- Is the right answer.- Hurray!
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Not steam.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03- I wasn't going to say steam. - No, as if you would(!)
0:25:03 > 0:25:06- Because steam is...?- The stuff that comes out of the kettle.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08Oh! Steam is invisible.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10- It does come out of the kettle... - Oh, really?
0:25:10 > 0:25:12..but sometimes you see a gap, you know?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14- you get the little gap and then you see the vapour.- Oh, yeah.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16And the gap is steam, it's an invisible gas.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18And as soon as it cools, even slightly,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21it turns to water vapour, and that's the bit you see.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23We call it steam, but it isn't.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Steam is actually invisible.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Isn't that interesting?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28- Very interesting. - Thank you. So it's "VI".
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Because I tell my children not to eat their food
0:25:30 > 0:25:32till the steam's gone.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Now what am I going to say?
0:25:34 > 0:25:38But I mean, yeah, in ordinary everyday speech, things steam,
0:25:38 > 0:25:41and "steamy" are... You know, manure steams and...
0:25:41 > 0:25:43Oh, I tell them not to eat manure as well.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45Not till the steam's gone off it.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48I'm glad to hear it.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50Well, we have to end now with a Knick Knack,
0:25:50 > 0:25:52which I sometimes end with.
0:25:52 > 0:25:57This is... Ooh, this is exciting. This is a remarkable substance.
0:25:57 > 0:26:02It's called polyethylene oxide, and it's very gloopy,
0:26:02 > 0:26:06and also it reacts rather excitedly under ultraviolet light.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08And Alan and Victoria, you've got ultraviolet torches
0:26:08 > 0:26:09and you can point them at it.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12I think we might have some ultraviolet light in the studio.
0:26:12 > 0:26:14- Shall I point them now, sir? - Yes, please do.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16Ooh, look. See?
0:26:16 > 0:26:18- Wow!- Ooh!
0:26:18 > 0:26:19Now, what I'm going to try and do,
0:26:19 > 0:26:24I'm going to stand up to do this, it's a very remarkable effect.
0:26:24 > 0:26:29The effect is, when you pour it, if I get it at the right angle,
0:26:29 > 0:26:33it pulls itself out of the flask and into here.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36It flows uphill and out and down again. All right.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40There we go. Oh, it's pulling itself up, it's pulling itself up...
0:26:40 > 0:26:43You see what I mean? It's pulling itself up from the bottom.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46If you look at the top one, it's actually flowing uphill there.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49And then it thins out into a little trail of snot.
0:26:49 > 0:26:51I'll try that again, so we'll just get a few takes.
0:26:51 > 0:26:52That's like when...
0:26:52 > 0:26:55It's like when you have a wee after a Berocca, isn't it, that?
0:26:55 > 0:26:57It is!
0:26:57 > 0:27:01It's exactly what it's like.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02Oh, goodness.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05So disgusting. Polyethylene oxide. I don't know what else...
0:27:05 > 0:27:07What's it used for?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10It's a very good masturbatory lubricant.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Particularly in the dark.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15Yeah.
0:27:21 > 0:27:22All right, we'll try again.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24It's a little bit awkward getting two friends
0:27:24 > 0:27:26- to hold the torch, though. - Isn't it?
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Yeah. There we go, that's pulling itself up there nicely.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33Excellent, there we go. Phew!
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Thank you.
0:27:36 > 0:27:42And thank you... Thank you, my special ultraviolet helpers.
0:27:42 > 0:27:47Well, on that exciting note, let's go to the scores.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Oh, my actual goodness.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52It's really remarkable.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55I'm afraid, possibly because he was booby-trapped into it,
0:27:55 > 0:27:59in last place, with -38 is Jason Manford.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01I'm quite happy.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05In a highly creditable third place,
0:28:05 > 0:28:07with -17, is Richard Osman.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Oh, thank you.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Which is very impressive.
0:28:12 > 0:28:16And in second place with -7 is Victoria Wood.
0:28:19 > 0:28:25But, scraping into a lead by one point, on -6, is Alan Davies!
0:28:31 > 0:28:32Well. Put that away.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34I got points for eating that food.
0:28:34 > 0:28:37And with thanks to Victoria, Richard, Jason and Alan,
0:28:37 > 0:28:38it's good night!
0:28:42 > 0:28:45Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd