0:00:03 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:33 > 0:00:35Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.
0:00:35 > 0:00:38Noel, noel, noel, noel.
0:00:38 > 0:00:42"Hell is empty, all the devils are here," to quote Shakespeare.
0:00:42 > 0:00:47Welcome to the QI Christmas Show, otherwise known as the Feast of Stephen.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Let's meet our merry players. Miss Scarlet, Jo Brand.
0:00:50 > 0:00:54APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Colonel Mustard, Phill Jupitus.
0:00:56 > 0:00:57APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Mrs Brown, Brendan O'Carroll.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:07 > 0:01:10And the lead piping in the bathroom, Alan Davies.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:16 > 0:01:18And their buzzers are adorable. Jo goes...
0:01:18 > 0:01:23FEMALE AUDIENCE: # Oh, come let us adore him
0:01:23 > 0:01:28Brendan goes... MALE AUDIENCE: # Oh, come let us adore him
0:01:28 > 0:01:34Phill goes... ALL: # Oh, come let us adore him.
0:01:34 > 0:01:38And Alan goes... ALL: # Rudolph the red nosed reindeer. #
0:01:38 > 0:01:42Ever one to spoil a party, thank you, Alan.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45And so to our first question.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Ooh, you've been given a truly horrible sweater for Christmas.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50Oh, sorry, that's the question.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52What's the best way to get rid of it?
0:01:52 > 0:01:56Some comedic unravelling that they used to always do in films
0:01:56 > 0:01:59when I was little on the telly, and you never see that joke any more.
0:01:59 > 0:02:03There's always someone getting a thing and it's unravelling and they never know.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05THEY MIMIC UNRAVELLING
0:02:05 > 0:02:07That definitely would do it. Tom and Jerry. That would do it.
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Any other thoughts?
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Well, you can get in touch with the people at CERN,
0:02:11 > 0:02:15who have been working on the Higgs Boson, which I'm fairly sure
0:02:15 > 0:02:19will lead to time travel, and then you can turn them back into sheep.
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Reversing time is a very good idea. That would do it. It's complex.
0:02:24 > 0:02:29Yeah. Brendan? I would just say "Thank you very much" and burn it.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Ever the practical, positive solution.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34I'd do the same, I'd set fire to it, but I'd make
0:02:34 > 0:02:38sure my least favourite relative was trying it on at the time.
0:02:40 > 0:02:41Well...
0:02:41 > 0:02:43You could give it to charity.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45There was a lady who lived in our road who used to donate
0:02:45 > 0:02:48three shirts, four shirts a week to charity,
0:02:48 > 0:02:51and then she'd go back and buy them back for 50p each,
0:02:51 > 0:02:54because it was cheaper than leaving them into the cleaners.
0:02:54 > 0:02:57Yes, that is fantastic. That's brilliant.
0:02:57 > 0:02:58Well, the funny thing is,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01between you, you've oddly got near the truth of it.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04Unravel it whilst travelling through time?
0:03:05 > 0:03:07You sort of do the effect of travelling through time.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10If you take a sweater on a journey back through time,
0:03:10 > 0:03:12eventually it becomes a ball of wool.
0:03:12 > 0:03:16And is there a machine that can take a pullover
0:03:16 > 0:03:20and unravel it back into its constituent woollen parts?
0:03:20 > 0:03:21Or a scarf, for example?
0:03:21 > 0:03:23Why would you make such a thing?
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Why indeed?
0:03:24 > 0:03:28We have the only person we know on the planet who has done it.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Imogen Hedges, ladies and gentlemen.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:03:31 > 0:03:34Hello, Imogen. Hi.
0:03:34 > 0:03:35Lovely to see you.
0:03:35 > 0:03:36Now...
0:03:36 > 0:03:39to explain ourselves, you're a student at?
0:03:39 > 0:03:41Kingston, I've just graduated.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44And one of your projects was an un-knitting machine.
0:03:44 > 0:03:47And is this something you've built yourself? Yeah.
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Which is fantastic. What a mind.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Most people think, "I'll try and make something,"
0:03:52 > 0:03:54but to un-make something, to go back in time.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Could you take Alan's scarf and return it to a ball of wool? Yeah.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59Seriously? Yeah.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Oh, charming!
0:04:01 > 0:04:05Can you, once you've un-knitted it, can you knit it again?
0:04:05 > 0:04:06Yeah. OK.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09She can do anything. Can we see your machine?
0:04:09 > 0:04:12There it is and that's your brother there? My brother.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Tristan, give us a wave. My helpful assistant.
0:04:14 > 0:04:18Hello, Tristan. He's going to operate it, it's pedal powered. Yes, it's pedal.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Do they not have electricity in Kingston at the university?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Has the recession bitten that hard?
0:04:24 > 0:04:27It's like the wind-up radio, it's for use around the world.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31Can I ask a question? Has Tristan got a girlfriend?
0:04:33 > 0:04:36He is quite, he is... He's very cute, isn't he?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38Yes. One would, one feels.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44He's going to pedal fast now, I tell you that.
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Stop it, stop it, stop it at once. All right.
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Slow down, Tristan, slow down. Just behave. I'm sorry.
0:04:52 > 0:04:56He'll be ploughing across the studio. "Sod your knitting!"
0:04:56 > 0:05:00Stop it, stop it, stop it. Imogen, thanks very much, you can take the scarf away
0:05:00 > 0:05:01and we'll be looking in on you.
0:05:01 > 0:05:05APPLAUSE
0:05:05 > 0:05:07Oh, dear!
0:05:07 > 0:05:11I just hate it when you two get all Christmassy like that.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14We'll be looking in on her from time to time.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Now, we're all loyal servants of Her Majesty here -
0:05:17 > 0:05:21what do you think the Queen's going to give you for Christmas this year?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23CHOIR SINGS # ..reindeer... #
0:05:23 > 0:05:25A message! She will certainly be giving us all a message,
0:05:25 > 0:05:28that's true. Is that not a klaxon, I felt certain it would be a klaxon.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30It should have been, but it's true.
0:05:30 > 0:05:32For years, it's actually been a robot.
0:05:32 > 0:05:35But she only gives things to people when they're 100.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38She gives Maundy money. She gives Maundy money on Maundy Thursday...
0:05:38 > 0:05:41What else does she give? Well, her staff, which is obviously extensive,
0:05:41 > 0:05:44used to be...they could choose from a catalogue...
0:05:44 > 0:05:48Argos? LAUGHTER
0:05:48 > 0:05:51..and...with a value between... What, choose their present?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54..between ?20-25, according to length of service.
0:05:54 > 0:05:57Between 20 and...? That's a very small window.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59It's not exactly...! ?26.99? No.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03AS QUEEN: Too much!
0:06:03 > 0:06:06In 2006, it sort of changed. They all get the same thing, the staff.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08These are her equerries and butlers and so on.
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Obviously, her family is different. This is if you are a servant,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13in some way. How many staff?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16I don't have the number, but it's pretty enormous. I'm sorry.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19You don't know?! I've failed you, Brendan, on the first fence.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22'Sake! I apologise from the very heart of everything.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I thought you would know every light bulb in the Palace. Oh, damn it.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27I'll just say a number and you'll believe me. Yes.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30There are over 4,000 light bulbs in the Palace. My God.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32That's some bill. Have you not met the Queen yet?
0:06:32 > 0:06:34I... Yes. She nudged me once.
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Quite hard, in the ribs. It was...quite funny!
0:06:39 > 0:06:42It was at her son's wedding, to Camilla,
0:06:42 > 0:06:44at Windsor Castle, and...
0:06:44 > 0:06:47she'd made a very funny speech, she'd got on a table,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49she'd stood on the table... She got on a table?! Yeah.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52Sort of clambered up? She stood on the chair, got on the table,
0:06:52 > 0:06:55then she made a very funny speech, got down,
0:06:55 > 0:06:57and just mingled among everybody. I got this rib...
0:06:57 > 0:07:00"Is anybody going to give me cake?"
0:07:00 > 0:07:03LAUGHTER It was brilliant!
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I tell you...!
0:07:05 > 0:07:08So I said, "Of course, Ma'am, I'll get you some cake."
0:07:08 > 0:07:10This must be a dream, you've dreamed all of it!
0:07:10 > 0:07:13I know it sounds mad, but it's absolutely true.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15I'm going outside for a fag!
0:07:15 > 0:07:18It was in the days I smoked and I was caught by a photographer
0:07:18 > 0:07:20in the buttresses of the chapel at Windsor.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22The bu...! LAUGHTER
0:07:22 > 0:07:24With my big top hat and everything, smoking.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27Coming out of the top! You can take the woolly hats off now if you like,
0:07:27 > 0:07:29if you're getting hot.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31You don't like yours? Thank you.
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Pop it under the thingy. Shall I pop it under?
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Or you can keep it on, which...they like.
0:07:35 > 0:07:37LAUGHTER
0:07:37 > 0:07:41Let's see how Imogen is getting on, shall we? That would be rather fun.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Have you started your machine?
0:07:43 > 0:07:46Oh, there it is! And there's Tristan pedalling away.
0:07:46 > 0:07:47Yes, indeed!
0:07:49 > 0:07:52He's looking so shy now, I feel terrible! Ha!
0:07:52 > 0:07:55That is amazing, you can see it. It is absolutely unravelling
0:07:55 > 0:07:57before our eyes - brilliant!
0:07:57 > 0:08:01APPLAUSE
0:08:03 > 0:08:05Wow!
0:08:07 > 0:08:10I thought they would have got it done ages ago,
0:08:10 > 0:08:12if Tristan wasn't quite so relaxed.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14LAUGHTER
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Oh, no! No! GASPS
0:08:18 > 0:08:20You have made...! You...! Jo Brand!
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Oh, the humanity!
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Oh!
0:08:25 > 0:08:28You deliberately spilled boiling water on his trousers,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30so you can mop them down.
0:08:30 > 0:08:31You wicked, wicked woman.
0:08:31 > 0:08:35As soon as they go off-screen, Imogen is going to beat him!
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Is Tristan wearing corduroys,
0:08:38 > 0:08:41so the heat generated by the whiff-whiff of the corduroy
0:08:41 > 0:08:44is powering the kettle?
0:08:45 > 0:08:48You have embarrassed the brother and sister team almost to death.
0:08:48 > 0:08:51Sorry, Imogen, sorry. If he gets snagged up in that,
0:08:51 > 0:08:53he might get unravelled himself.
0:08:53 > 0:08:56A full human being being unravelled! Little piles of...
0:08:56 > 0:08:58I'm going to build one of those for next Christmas.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00It would be great. Well, you should!
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Thank you very much, Imogen and Tristan - sorry about that.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06We'll let you replace it. Ruined. It's not ruined.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Let's go back to Her Maj...
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Now, the fact is, if you work for the Queen - nowadays -
0:09:11 > 0:09:12you all get the same present,
0:09:12 > 0:09:14instead of being able to choose from the catalogue.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17We've done a montage of them - bottle of bubbly, silver plate...
0:09:17 > 0:09:212008 reflected the mood of financial restraint -
0:09:21 > 0:09:23was just coasters.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27And in 2012, Jubilee Year, a special themed trinket box.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29You all get the same thing, with monogrammed...something -
0:09:29 > 0:09:32cigar box, or whatever it was.
0:09:32 > 0:09:33You can't expect the woman to go
0:09:33 > 0:09:35down the high street shopping, can you?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38No! No! Especially not if she's in one of her cake frenzies.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42More cake!
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Cake!
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Give me cake!!
0:09:46 > 0:09:48Have to pull her away from Greggs.
0:09:48 > 0:09:49Yeah! Oh...!
0:09:49 > 0:09:52It takes three equerries...
0:09:53 > 0:09:55Or are they e-QUE-rries? Or are they eclairs?
0:09:55 > 0:09:57It's e-QUE-rries. Is that a cake? I don't know!
0:09:57 > 0:10:00Anyway...
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Now, why is Santa off the rich list?
0:10:04 > 0:10:06Aw!
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Poor Santa. Cutbacks?
0:10:08 > 0:10:11That might be...! Austerity drive.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Austerity drive... He only works one day a year.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Only works one day a year... Has he developed a conscience?
0:10:16 > 0:10:20He used to be on the rich list, until 2006 - Forbes Magazine
0:10:20 > 0:10:22famously invented virtually the idea of a rich list.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Is there some...? Yes, young Brendan?
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Is it because...
0:10:27 > 0:10:30WHISPERS: ..he may not be real?
0:10:30 > 0:10:33BELL AND KLAXON SOUND
0:10:33 > 0:10:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Yes!
0:10:40 > 0:10:43APPLAUSE CONTINUES
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Thank you!
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Oh, and poor Phill!
0:10:50 > 0:10:52LAUGHTER
0:10:52 > 0:10:56Phill - that got a klaxon, so that can't be right.
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Don't worry...
0:11:03 > 0:11:05There!
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Poor little soul!
0:11:09 > 0:11:12Two things - Forbes Magazine genuinely publishes
0:11:12 > 0:11:15a fictional rich list.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18And Santa Claus used to be on it, because they reckoned
0:11:18 > 0:11:21he must be infinitely rich, because he is able to distribute
0:11:21 > 0:11:24presents every year to all the children of the world.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26They said, "I don't believe he does..."
0:11:26 > 0:11:28I don't know why... Richie Rich. That's Richie Rich, of course.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Scrooge... Scrooge, I guess, on the left. Father Christmas himself...
0:11:32 > 0:11:34The late Bernard Manning, on the right?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36LAUGHTER
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Can you name... I've got the top five. ..name any in the top five
0:11:38 > 0:11:41that you imagine might be on the rich list?
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Real people or imaginary? No, fictional, that's the point.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Scrooge McDuck. No - but number two
0:11:46 > 0:11:49IS the enemy of Scrooge McDuck.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51SOMEONE MAKES DUCK SOUNDS
0:11:51 > 0:11:54BRENDAN MAKES DUCK SOUNDS Good one.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Flintheart Glomgold...is his name.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Flintheart Glomgold. Flintheart Glomgold, yeah.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04And number one... played Benedict Cumberbatch...
0:12:04 > 0:12:08the richest fictional creature in the world -
0:12:08 > 0:12:11human or... They know in the audience!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13MAN IN AUDIENCE: Smaug. Smaug.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16Smaug was the dragon in The Hobbit.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19$62 billion worth of gold, he sits upon,
0:12:19 > 0:12:22until of course he... Well, I'm not going to tell you the ending,
0:12:22 > 0:12:24because I happen to be in it. Don't spoil it.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27But why is Santa taken off, because surely he must be really rich
0:12:27 > 0:12:30to give everyone a present...? It's a very simple reason.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33Tax evasion. Not tax evasion!
0:12:33 > 0:12:36Unusual answer. Because it's a fictional...
0:12:36 > 0:12:39And he's real! ..list, and Santa is real!
0:12:39 > 0:12:40ALL: Aw!
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Forbes decided that, so there you go!
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Good result, Santa!
0:12:45 > 0:12:49APPLAUSE
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Just let's see how Imogen's doing, shall we? Imogen and Tristan?
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Oh, you... Spool it back up...
0:12:55 > 0:12:57He's turning slowly...
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Oh, he's doing two tasks now. Hey, very good!
0:13:00 > 0:13:02He's getting it back into a ball.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05It actually doesn't just unravel it, it balls it up as well.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Look at th... Balls it up - sorry!
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Beautifully!
0:13:09 > 0:13:13Look at how cunning that little thing is, the way it moves,
0:13:13 > 0:13:15the little shuttley... It's called Tristan, Stephen. No!
0:13:15 > 0:13:18LAUGHTER
0:13:18 > 0:13:20APPLAUSE
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Imogen, what do you call that... sort of unit, that winds it up?
0:13:28 > 0:13:30BRENDAN: Her brother.
0:13:30 > 0:13:31Erm...
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Did you design the way that it moves like that, so that it could...?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36The little tiny thing? Yeah. That's from eBay.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39LAUGHTER
0:13:39 > 0:13:41APPLAUSE
0:13:43 > 0:13:46I think British industry in the future has nothing to fear.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49We're going to win over the world. Congratulations.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52We'll come back when that ball of wool is complete. That's brilliant.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55Now, historic moment... Baaa!
0:13:55 > 0:13:56Baaa!
0:13:56 > 0:13:59What's Baldrick brought for me this Christmas?
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Baldrick... Right, OK.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Bought for you, Melchett? Are we Melching...?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Well, it's for me. It's for you?
0:14:07 > 0:14:09And who is that there on the screen?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Tony Robinson. Tony Robinson.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15And there is a Tony Robinson, Baldrick, who is about to come on.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16But in the First World War, as you
0:14:16 > 0:14:19probably know, and we've covered before... Football.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22..there was a Christmas football truce. Truce, yes.
0:14:22 > 0:14:25But what happened later,
0:14:25 > 0:14:27in 1915,
0:14:27 > 0:14:30was that because football had been banned at Christmas Day,
0:14:30 > 0:14:33a soldier smuggled into the trench a football -
0:14:33 > 0:14:36it was deflated, so that no-one would spot it.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39And then he blew it up before the Battle of Loos.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42And in the morning, when the whistle blew
0:14:42 > 0:14:44to commence the offensive,
0:14:44 > 0:14:47he threw it out of the trench, shouting,
0:14:47 > 0:14:48"Play up, London Irish,"
0:14:48 > 0:14:51because he was from the London Irish Regiment,
0:14:51 > 0:14:53which I'm sure you'll be aware of. I am, indeed.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Great regiment. And they found the football
0:14:56 > 0:14:59when they got to the German trench -
0:14:59 > 0:15:00they kept it,
0:15:00 > 0:15:04and it so happens, a member of that London Irish
0:15:04 > 0:15:06happens to be called Tony Robinson,
0:15:06 > 0:15:08and is therefore always called Baldrick by his fellows -
0:15:08 > 0:15:12and he has brought that football along today.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14ALL: Wow!
0:15:14 > 0:15:18APPLAUSE
0:15:23 > 0:15:25My God!
0:15:25 > 0:15:27Flies up, man!
0:15:27 > 0:15:30LAUGHTER
0:15:30 > 0:15:34# Oh, Christmas came early...! #
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Darling, take that man's name!
0:15:37 > 0:15:39And address. Erm...
0:15:39 > 0:15:43This really is, Tony, the football. It is indeed.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45And where is it kept? It is kept in the museum,
0:15:45 > 0:15:48which is now down in Camberwell, at the London Irish Rifles.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50Is it called the London Irish Regiment or the London Regiment?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53We're D Company London Irish Rifles of the London Regiment.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55Right, D-Company.
0:15:55 > 0:15:59And it's still an active regiment in the British Army,
0:15:59 > 0:16:03and we have some of your fellow soldiers over here.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05If you'd like to stand up, here they are...
0:16:05 > 0:16:08APPLAUSE
0:16:08 > 0:16:11Fabulous to see you, boys.
0:16:11 > 0:16:16They're all recently back from Helmand Province in Afghanistan.
0:16:16 > 0:16:20This is a very historic year for Irish soldiers. Tell me why.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Well, last May, all Irish soldiers
0:16:22 > 0:16:26who deserted the Irish Army... Oh, yes! Have been...
0:16:26 > 0:16:28I haven't finished the fucker yet! No, no. Sorry.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:16:36 > 0:16:40Carry on. All soldiers who deserted the Irish Army
0:16:40 > 0:16:42in both First World War and Second World War periods
0:16:42 > 0:16:46and joined the British Army to fight for the British Army
0:16:46 > 0:16:48were granted a pardon. That is extraordinary, isn't it?
0:16:48 > 0:16:52Well, it's too late now, they're dead. Almost all of them are dead,
0:16:52 > 0:16:55but it was true, that if you were Irish and anti-fascist, say...
0:16:55 > 0:16:58Yes. ..and you wanted to fight for the Allies against Germany,
0:16:58 > 0:16:59and so you joined the British Army,
0:16:59 > 0:17:02it was considered by the Irish Government that you were a traitor.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Correct. You got no pension, you couldn't work for the government.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08You could barely go home. Yeah, indeed.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11Thank you very much, and please sit down. Members of D Company,
0:17:11 > 0:17:13thank you so much.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16APPLAUSE
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Anyway, erm, Baldrick... Sir.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21..I've never seen you looking better.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25You're still an absolute disaster of a human being.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28Thank you so much for bringing me...lunch.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Erm, I'm not very hungry - you can take it away.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Thank you, sir. Thank you very much indeed.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36Wonderful. APPLAUSE
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Tony Robinson.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43So, yeah - that football you've just seen
0:17:43 > 0:17:47was kicked right across no-man's land by Rifleman Frank Edwards
0:17:47 > 0:17:49and the London Irish in 1915.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Now, let's test your beer goggles, as it were.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55We have a man who is going to hold up a picture -
0:17:55 > 0:17:56who is it of?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn Monroe. Yeah.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01You can see the picture there - Marilyn Monroe.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04Now, Sam, walk towards us, if you'd be kind enough...
0:18:04 > 0:18:06I don't think it... I thought...
0:18:06 > 0:18:09I think it's supposed to look like her but I'm suspicious.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Albert Einstein!
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Albert Einstein! Holy crap!
0:18:13 > 0:18:17It is rather extraordinary. It's both... They're related?!
0:18:17 > 0:18:19No! LAUGHTER
0:18:19 > 0:18:22They were in the same room, Brendan!
0:18:22 > 0:18:24You'd hardly imagine they would be, would you?
0:18:24 > 0:18:27I think Marilyn Monroe did have quite a bad facial hair problem.
0:18:29 > 0:18:33Did she?! From a distance, the image DOES look like Marilyn Monroe,
0:18:33 > 0:18:36because what they do is... It's created by the MIT,
0:18:36 > 0:18:40this illusion - the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43They removed Marilyn's fine-grained features,
0:18:43 > 0:18:45like wrinkles and little blemishes,
0:18:45 > 0:18:47and Einstein's coarser features,
0:18:47 > 0:18:49like the shape of his mouth and nose,
0:18:49 > 0:18:51and then they superimposed the two.
0:18:51 > 0:18:54And from a distance, we see just the broader strokes -
0:18:54 > 0:18:56we see her, Marilyn Monroe.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59And close up, we see the fine details of Albert Einstein.
0:18:59 > 0:19:03And we've done another version, just to show this really does work,
0:19:03 > 0:19:05it's not just Marilyn...
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Erm, who's that? Handsome man.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09That's Stephen Fry - I know him well. That's me! That's me!
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Hurray! And if you come towards us...
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Hello? Ah!
0:19:16 > 0:19:17Hello?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19It's Alan Davies! Yeh!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21APPLAUSE
0:19:21 > 0:19:22How about that?
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Who is it now? Oh, yeah, look at that.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Yeah, we have to be that close. That's fantastic. Isn't that interesting?
0:19:29 > 0:19:32It's an extraordinary illusion. Hope they've done two of them
0:19:32 > 0:19:36so we can have one each in our bedrooms. I want one in my house! What distance do you want it though?
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Ha-ha! I want to be far away from it, Stephen.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41LAUGHTER
0:19:41 > 0:19:45Toss you for it. Oh! Sorry.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Thank you very much indeed. Thanks, our picture bearers, and...
0:19:56 > 0:19:58That's class. And thank you, Albert and Marilyn.
0:19:58 > 0:20:01So the take-home message tonight is...don't trust your eyes,
0:20:01 > 0:20:04even when you're sober. In fact, you probably shouldn't really trust anything,
0:20:04 > 0:20:07but we've just come to that bit which we call General Ignorance.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10So fingers on buzzers for very quick ones. What year was Jesus born?
0:20:10 > 0:20:11MALE AUDIENCE: # Oh, come let us... #
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Yes, Brendan? 5BC.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Ooh, it's not the right answer.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17Damn close though. Four.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18No. Three?
0:20:18 > 0:20:20No.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Two? No.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Other direction, eight? Six?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26Yes! Ah, come on!
0:20:26 > 0:20:28He was born six years before Christ!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31Well done, Jesus. How crazy is that?
0:20:31 > 0:20:33That's how clever he is. Now how do we know?
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Somebody told us.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38It's, the only authority we could possibly have is...
0:20:38 > 0:20:39There's a book about him, come on!
0:20:39 > 0:20:42The Bible doesn't give the date, though. Doesn't it?
0:20:42 > 0:20:45It's been worked out by the only man we've ever been able to call,
0:20:45 > 0:20:48certainly for over 1,000 years, I think, Pope Emeritus.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52Who is he? Emeritus, what does Emeritus mean?
0:20:52 > 0:20:54An ex-Pope. An ex-Pope. Is there an ex-Pope in the world?
0:20:54 > 0:20:56We've got one now. We have.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58Benedict, yes. You didn't phone him, did you?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00It is Pope Emeritus Benedict the 16th. Pope Emeritus.
0:21:00 > 0:21:05His Holiness wrote a book with the catchy title -
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Jesus Of Nazareth, The Infancy Narratives.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12And the calculation made by Dionysius Exiguus,
0:21:12 > 0:21:15which is basically Latin for Dennis the Small,
0:21:15 > 0:21:17on which the modern dating system is based,
0:21:17 > 0:21:21was wrong by several years, he says, and so he puts the date at 6BC,
0:21:21 > 0:21:24which you eventually got to, Alan, in your usual method.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27What was the year before 1AD?
0:21:27 > 0:21:29FEMALE AUDIENCE: # Oh, come... #
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Yes, Jo? Nought.
0:21:30 > 0:21:32Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!
0:21:32 > 0:21:34BUZZER
0:21:34 > 0:21:36No. Hurray. Well done.
0:21:36 > 0:21:37APPLAUSE
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Much admired.
0:21:40 > 0:21:421BC. Is the right answer.
0:21:42 > 0:21:43Oh, I was going to say that!
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Why there, you're so surprised. Ah!
0:21:45 > 0:21:50You're right, it went from December the 31st 1BC to 1st January 1AD.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53The BC/AD scheme, for some reason, doesn't have a zero.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Anyway, here's an obviously easy one -
0:21:55 > 0:21:57is zero an odd number or an even number?
0:21:57 > 0:21:59It's not a number.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01No, it is a number. I give up.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03No, that's, it's an interesting thought.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05BUZZER
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Yes!
0:22:07 > 0:22:09So it is one of them.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Right, no, hang on. It's even.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14Yes! Yes, it's even, isn't it?
0:22:14 > 0:22:15Oh. Class goes wild.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17In an all criteria
0:22:17 > 0:22:19by which you judge an even number, it is even.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23An even number is divisible by two without leaving a remainder.
0:22:23 > 0:22:27Well, nought over two is nought, with no remainder.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30Or it's a number that ends in zero, two, four, six or eight.
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Well, zero obviously ends in zero, because it is zero.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Also, it has either side of it minus one and one,
0:22:35 > 0:22:37which are both odd numbers.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39Our maths elf at QI thinks it's the easiest question
0:22:39 > 0:22:41that's ever been asked on QI.
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take away my glory now! I'll get my points.
0:22:44 > 0:22:47It's the easiest question that's ever been asked, yeah!
0:22:47 > 0:22:48But he is a maths elf.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51The sun isn't there, I had that about four series ago,
0:22:51 > 0:22:55and I'm looking at it and it's not there, but this is easier!
0:22:55 > 0:22:58I know, maths people are odd. I hate this show!
0:22:58 > 0:23:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:23:00 > 0:23:03I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Phill. So you're so good at it.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05So you feel bad, I got it wrong!
0:23:05 > 0:23:07That's true, where does that put you?
0:23:07 > 0:23:09Now, who wants to see one of my knick-knacks?
0:23:09 > 0:23:12My first knick-knack is for you to do.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14I want you to create some extraordinarily magical
0:23:14 > 0:23:19Christmassy things using the power of chemistry alone.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22And chemistry, let's not forget, means magic. Ooh.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Alchemit, alchemit, the magic. So, you should have...
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Stephen, are we going to make a seasonal meth lab?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Maybe. Take out your little chemistry lab.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34You have to put on your gloves, I'm afraid, for health and safety reasons.
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Ooh, the gloves are good. Oh. While you're doing yours,
0:23:37 > 0:23:39because yours takes a bit of time, as you'll see, pour one in.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41What are we doing?
0:23:41 > 0:23:43You pour the contents of your smaller into the larger.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45Ah-ha, the usual!
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Yeah, what it is is, there is a...
0:23:47 > 0:23:48So let me get this straight,
0:23:48 > 0:23:50we're providing a sample, is that what we're...?
0:23:50 > 0:23:55No. Now it should turn brown, put the lid on.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57And then you just swirl until,
0:23:57 > 0:23:59sort of just swirl gently, sort of twist and swirl.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02Is it like that? And you need to do that for about two minutes, just,
0:24:02 > 0:24:05not too violently, just that's it, lovely. I've done this before.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Right, and while you're doing that,
0:24:07 > 0:24:09I'll just do my demonstration of using dry ice,
0:24:09 > 0:24:12which as we know, always makes a marvellous reaction with water.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Am I doing this right? Keep swirling.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17What are the chances of us being busted by the Feds while we're doing this?
0:24:17 > 0:24:19And I've got this. Stephen Fry's crack house.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22It's like Tom Cruise in Cocktail. Look at this. Oh.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24Phill, I've got this. Ooh! Wow, Christmas party!
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Yeah. Oh, I'll have some of that!
0:24:26 > 0:24:29OK, now, it's going to be quite a violent reaction to this, as
0:24:29 > 0:24:32I'm sure you've all seen dry ice, as they call it, and I've
0:24:32 > 0:24:33got here, this is sort of bubble,
0:24:33 > 0:24:35you know, like bubbles you blow.
0:24:35 > 0:24:36I don't know where that's going.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38So what we're trying to do is make smoky bubbles.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41It's a little sort of Christmassy effect, here, God, I hope
0:24:41 > 0:24:43I can get the lid on in time.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Oh, Stephen... Woo-hoo...! Woo!
0:24:46 > 0:24:48Get down there.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50Wo, hey, yeh, wo! What are you doing, Fry?!
0:24:50 > 0:24:51Wo! Where's that...?
0:24:51 > 0:24:53Get the lid on! Oh, no!
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Get the lid on! Argh! Argh!
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Lid! Lid is on, lid is on!
0:24:58 > 0:25:02Lid is on. It's going everywhere!
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Bubbles. Here are my little bubbles.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Oh, oh!
0:25:07 > 0:25:09There's one, look, big one! Pop it.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11Ping! Ooh!
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Smoky bubble.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15Aah. Smoky bubble! Oh, oh! Smoky
0:25:15 > 0:25:16bubble! Oh! Smoky bubble!
0:25:16 > 0:25:19APPLAUSE
0:25:19 > 0:25:20There we are.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25I've gone completely reflective.
0:25:25 > 0:25:26Oh, there you are.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Look, you've made a bauble.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29Look at that.
0:25:29 > 0:25:32You've made a bauble, because your little experiment,
0:25:32 > 0:25:35invented by Mr Tollens, is one of the things
0:25:35 > 0:25:39he used was silver nitrate, the same thing used in film photography.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40And that is silver. Wow.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43You've got this beautiful silver bauble that you've made,
0:25:43 > 0:25:45just by mixing those two chemicals.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Can I just say, I've just seen myself, I didn't realise that
0:25:47 > 0:25:51I look like Last Christmas by Weight Watchers Wham.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53LAUGHTER
0:25:53 > 0:25:54That is hideous.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56But it is, oh, careful, it is very beautiful, isn't it?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Gorgeous.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00And they used to use exactly that for lining the inside
0:26:00 > 0:26:03of Thermos flasks, you know how they're silvered on the inside?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05Oh. Yeah. That's lovely. And mirrors.
0:26:05 > 0:26:08And there it is, you've made your own little home-made silver ball.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10And I've finished my little bubbles.
0:26:10 > 0:26:11And there we are.
0:26:11 > 0:26:12Cool, man!
0:26:12 > 0:26:15So, there's only one last thing to check, and that...
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Has anyone got any worries?
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Deeply.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21There's just one last thing to check,
0:26:21 > 0:26:23what's happened to Alan's gran's scarf?
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Imogen, what do you have for us?
0:26:25 > 0:26:27There it is! Literally.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29APPLAUSE
0:26:29 > 0:26:31There you go. Four balls of wool!
0:26:34 > 0:26:36Thanks very much(!)
0:26:39 > 0:26:40A brilliant invention.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42I hope they gave you first class with honours and...
0:26:42 > 0:26:44They didn't.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:50 > 0:26:53Well, frankly...
0:26:53 > 0:26:54Quite wrong, quite wrong.
0:26:54 > 0:26:59For the New Year show, I want to see what the one who got a first made!
0:26:59 > 0:27:02But meanwhile, thank you, Imogen and Tristan Hedges. Thank you.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:06 > 0:27:10The one who got a first probably made a scarf, Stephen.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12LAUGHTER
0:27:12 > 0:27:14You're absolutely right.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15Well, that brings us to the little,
0:27:15 > 0:27:19not inconsequential matter, of the Christmas scores.
0:27:19 > 0:27:20And they are very interesting.
0:27:20 > 0:27:22I'm afraid, in last place,
0:27:22 > 0:27:26with a very creditable minus 19 is Brendan O'Carroll.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29APPLAUSE
0:27:35 > 0:27:38In third, with minus nine - Jo Brand.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40APPLAUSE
0:27:40 > 0:27:42That's Weight Watchers.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47In Santa's second place, with minus six - Alan Davies.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49Thank you very much.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51APPLAUSE
0:27:55 > 0:27:58But our big Father Christmassy winner, with plus three,
0:27:58 > 0:27:59is Phill Jupitus!
0:27:59 > 0:28:02APPLAUSE
0:28:08 > 0:28:11So, that's it from Brendan, Phill, Jo, Alan and me.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15Merry Christmas to you all, everywhere. Bye-bye.