0:00:24 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:34 > 0:00:35good evening and welcome to QI.
0:00:35 > 0:00:40Tonight, we'll be covering a kaleidoscope of K topics.
0:00:40 > 0:00:43My co-pilots on this kamikaze caper are: the keen-eyed Sandi Toksvig!
0:00:49 > 0:00:51The kick-arse Liza Tarbuck!
0:00:56 > 0:00:58The knee-high Susan Calman!
0:01:03 > 0:01:07And the knave very voluble Alan Davies.
0:01:09 > 0:01:12And the buzzers today are kaleidoscopically colourful.
0:01:12 > 0:01:13Sandi goes:
0:01:13 > 0:01:20# Yellow is the colour of my true love's hair... #
0:01:20 > 0:01:21Liza goes:
0:01:21 > 0:01:26# Green is the colour of the sparklin' corn... #
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Susan goes:
0:01:27 > 0:01:33# Blue is the colour of the sky... #
0:01:33 > 0:01:34And Alan goes:
0:01:34 > 0:01:39# We'll drink a drink a drink to Lily the Pink the Pink the Pink
0:01:39 > 0:01:42# The saviour of the human race... #
0:01:42 > 0:01:43AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG
0:01:43 > 0:01:47It's like an old people's home!
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Join in. You can have your cocoa in a minute!
0:01:50 > 0:01:53- Yes.- It's only for an hour!
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Old people's home? It's like a Nazi rally.
0:01:59 > 0:02:04That was how they used to warm up at Nuremberg.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Now ve had better get on with our erste Frage,
0:02:06 > 0:02:09the first question, which is about your kin.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Your kin and kindred.
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Do you know what your relatives smell like?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15My grandmother used to smell of Lily of the Valley.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Nobody smells of Lily of the Valley any more.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18That was very common.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Grandmothers don't smell the same at all now, do they?
0:02:21 > 0:02:26- They used to smell faintly of mints.- And Amontillado sherry.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- Oh, yes. Just the one. - Just the one, dear.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32Baileys. That's what my gran smelled of.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36Baileys, round the inside of the glass with her finger.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39Oh, my goodness! Desperate.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41There used to be a perfume called Tramp.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43- Yes, there was!- Tramp.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45And the advert for Tramp
0:02:45 > 0:02:48was a young lady who knows what she wants,
0:02:48 > 0:02:51and that's to be called a Tramp, apparently, in the 1970s.
0:02:51 > 0:02:56And she wanders through a market and all these guys are like "Hey",
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- and she's like "I'm a Tramp".- It was a famous nightclub in Jermyn Street.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Tramp or Charlie.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Charlie! I can remember Benny Hill
0:03:03 > 0:03:06doing a monologue about going to one of those King's Road...
0:03:06 > 0:03:08"It was a den of ini-quiety".
0:03:08 > 0:03:10He said "It was full of kinky boots and underwear."
0:03:10 > 0:03:13He said "I could smell her Charlie across the room".
0:03:17 > 0:03:19I mean, it was her perfume.
0:03:19 > 0:03:20Just so wrong.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Men used to smell of Old Spice, didn't they?
0:03:22 > 0:03:25- Dads smelled of Old Spice.- And Brut.
0:03:25 > 0:03:27Brut, yes.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Paul Abbott once wrote a line in something I did for him
0:03:29 > 0:03:34which said, as our characters went into my parents' house,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37the last line was "Don't say anything about the smell",
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- which was really fascinating. - It makes you think of it.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45Absolutely. It was that line of genius that he's very good at.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48That is very good, isn't it? Well, in fact...
0:03:48 > 0:03:50I'd know the smell of my children anywhere.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- My own children. - That's an interesting point.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55It seems that a lot of members of the animal kingdom do,
0:03:55 > 0:03:58- for very good reasons. - I was sat on quite a lot...
0:03:58 > 0:03:59So it would ring a bell.
0:03:59 > 0:04:05..by an older brother in order to incapacitate me during disputes.
0:04:05 > 0:04:10- Very beautifully put.- And there was a certain aroma that I think...
0:04:10 > 0:04:13How powerful the olfactory memory can be.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- It is the most powerful. - If he sat on me today...
0:04:16 > 0:04:20- You'd know! - I'd be thrown back to 1973.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Well, you're absolutely right.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25Can you think of an evolutionary or ecological reason
0:04:25 > 0:04:27why you might need...
0:04:27 > 0:04:31Well, you would not want to mate with your cousin.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34You wouldn't want to shag your own close relatives.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37So you'd want to know what your relatives smelled like so that you...
0:04:37 > 0:04:40This sounds like all shagging takes place in the dark, but...
0:04:40 > 0:04:44I mean, for example, most mammals don't raise their young
0:04:44 > 0:04:45the way we do with long, long bonding,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48so you recognise your mother and say "I must not shag my mother."
0:04:48 > 0:04:52But in other mammals, they might not see their father, for example.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55The mouse lemur, which is one of the cutest little things,
0:04:55 > 0:04:58the Madagascan mouse lemur, is reared exclusively by its mother.
0:04:58 > 0:05:02But it can recognise its father's smell and avoid shagging him.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05And butterflies have incredibly keen senses of smell.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07They can smell mates from a huge distance away.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10But if they're inbred, they have fewer sex pheromones.
0:05:10 > 0:05:11Don't they say that as well,
0:05:11 > 0:05:14when you're getting together with somebody,
0:05:14 > 0:05:17that part of the reason that you get on well
0:05:17 > 0:05:19is that you enjoy each other's smells?
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- It seems so. - And it can keep you together.
0:05:21 > 0:05:26I don't know about women, but men have no sense of smell who are...
0:05:26 > 0:05:27Do you remember the word?
0:05:27 > 0:05:31- Wordsworth was this, has no sense of smell.- No.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Anosmic. Anosmic.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35You can't taste any food or anything.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37You wouldn't be able to taste food.
0:05:37 > 0:05:40But men who have no sense of smell get less...fewer sexual partners.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44I thought you were going to say takeaways!
0:05:44 > 0:05:46"I'll just have toast again."
0:05:49 > 0:05:51There you are.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53Nature has its reasons for producing smelly rellies.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- Why did the spider go to the bathroom?- Ooh.
0:05:57 > 0:06:02- They don't come up the plughole, they fall in.- Correct.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Fall in and they can't get out.
0:06:04 > 0:06:07But why do they go there, are they thirsty?
0:06:07 > 0:06:12- Well, they're house spiders, so they live in a...- House.
0:06:12 > 0:06:18- I've got the hang of this show. - I still feel there's a trick coming.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20They're usually hidden nicely in the wainscoting.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22They can last a long time without food,
0:06:22 > 0:06:25- but one thing they can't do without...- Is a drink.
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Now, just put your own considerations apart!
0:06:29 > 0:06:32Are they voyeurs? Do they like watching people in the bathroom?
0:06:34 > 0:06:36"Here they come!"
0:06:36 > 0:06:41That's why they're called spider. "I spied her!"
0:06:41 > 0:06:44As I say, they can do without food and they can do without drink,
0:06:44 > 0:06:45but they can't do without...?
0:06:45 > 0:06:47Washing.
0:06:49 > 0:06:53- Exercise.- Well, kind of. It's sex.
0:06:53 > 0:06:58The male spider, come autumn, has got to get his rocks off.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00This is where they lose their inhibitions.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02That's when you'll see them in bathrooms and so on.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04They don't really stand out. On carpets, you might miss them,
0:07:04 > 0:07:07but in bathrooms, against the white, they're unmistakable.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10But what happens if they don't have sex? Do they explode?
0:07:12 > 0:07:15It's a primary imperative amongst a lot of animals.
0:07:15 > 0:07:17They have an eight-finger shuffle.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Essentially, when I see these spiders
0:07:27 > 0:07:31running around my house in the autumn, they're just really horny?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34Yes. The male's looking for a female.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36That makes it worse.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39I've come round to spiders,
0:07:39 > 0:07:44because they eat about 2,000 bugs a year,
0:07:44 > 0:07:48and that's 2,000 less of those in your house and just one spider.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- Completely.- Or two, because they've got to have sex.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55I pulled a curtain once when I was still in bed,
0:07:55 > 0:07:58and you know the dread thing of seeing that above you?
0:07:58 > 0:08:01And for the length it took for it to drop,
0:08:01 > 0:08:03I was up over my boyfriend
0:08:03 > 0:08:07and at the end of the room before it dropped.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09It's the quickest I've ever moved in my life.
0:08:09 > 0:08:12That would be a very good Olympic sport, spider drop.
0:08:14 > 0:08:16The height of the spider
0:08:16 > 0:08:19and then the distance you're going to travel, some calculation,
0:08:19 > 0:08:20degree of difficulty.
0:08:20 > 0:08:24That's a garden spider web, isn't it?
0:08:24 > 0:08:28But in houses, you get cobwebs, which are messy and asymmetrical.
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Film companies have spray cobwebs,
0:08:30 > 0:08:31which is the most glorious thing.
0:08:31 > 0:08:34I'm sure you've done it in Jonathan Ross. This is magical stuff.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36You can presumably buy it online,
0:08:36 > 0:08:39but it's so great for Halloween parties. I recommend it.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42Did you just say Jonathan Ross?
0:08:42 > 0:08:46I didn't even notice! Sorry. I meant Graham Creek!
0:08:46 > 0:08:50I like the idea of Alan having had a brief career as Jonathan Ross.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56Maybe it's like Doctor Who, everyone gets a shot at being Jonathan Ross.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58You were the sixth Jonathan Ross.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03I've had a long enough career to regenerate.
0:09:03 > 0:09:05Spiders, I think, can't see very well.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08So you would have been as much a surprise to the spider.
0:09:08 > 0:09:12I don't think they drop on you on purpose.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15They don't see you and think "Ooh, I'll have a go."
0:09:15 > 0:09:19"It's Liza Tarbuck! Liza Tarbuck!
0:09:19 > 0:09:23"I'm going to get an autograph.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26"Wahey! Oh, she's gone!
0:09:28 > 0:09:30"I used to like you!
0:09:31 > 0:09:33"Liza!"
0:09:34 > 0:09:38That was brilliant. It was like Jonathan Ross was in the room.
0:09:38 > 0:09:42Mrs Spider, after mating the house spider, what will she do?
0:09:42 > 0:09:45- Eat it.- Yes, the most famous being the redback.- Black widow.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Or the black widow, indeed.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50The redback, the male is really the most willing for it.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53He will inseminate the female and then jump into her open mouth.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57- How marvellous!- Last thing he does.
0:09:59 > 0:10:02Your good old British house spider, she has the decency to
0:10:02 > 0:10:05wait for the male to die before eating him, so it's kinder.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07She must feel weird if she has sons cos
0:10:07 > 0:10:10- she knows how they're going to go, so it can't be... - It's true, it's true.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Look at the boy, oh, shame.
0:10:13 > 0:10:17You'd think she'd want either the insemination or the spider dinner.
0:10:17 > 0:10:18She might not have wanted either of them.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22- That's true.- Would have gone...Oh, God!
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Ah-ah-ah...
0:10:24 > 0:10:27- I've just had tea.- Eat me, eat me.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30So, if there's a spider stuck in your kitchen sink,
0:10:30 > 0:10:32he's probably on the pull.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Now, I have one of my knick-knacks to show you.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36ALL: Ooooh!
0:10:36 > 0:10:37Yes, now this...
0:10:37 > 0:10:41The great Lord Kelvin in the 1890s was wondering along a beach
0:10:41 > 0:10:43with a friend called Hugh Blackburn, who was a mathematician.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46They found a pebble and a surface on which to spin and they found it
0:10:46 > 0:10:50had a peculiar property, not unlike this, which is called a tippe top.
0:10:50 > 0:10:54- Erm, and you give it a spin... - Oooooh!
0:10:54 > 0:10:56- Oh!- It turns upside down.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Now, what you, sort of, don't notice because it's still going
0:10:59 > 0:11:02clockwise but it's upside down, so it's reversed the direction of spin.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Oh...
0:11:04 > 0:11:06And engineers and mathematicians like Bohr
0:11:06 > 0:11:08and Pauli were fascinated by this.
0:11:08 > 0:11:09It is quite fun.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12We can show you some VT of it being done properly,
0:11:12 > 0:11:14then you can see slightly better spin there.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19So, this is about, you know when they were saying...
0:11:19 > 0:11:20The spin is still going...sorry.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23Where they were saying that the earth axis is going to change
0:11:23 > 0:11:25and that north is going to be south. It's much like this.
0:11:25 > 0:11:30- Sorry, Liza, is the world going to turn upside down?- Apparently so.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33- Soon?- Tuesday, it's happening on Tuesday.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36Just if I've got to get up and deal with my bills or not.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38This is even, perhaps, more impressive.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40This little thing here and what's strange about this is
0:11:40 > 0:11:42I can spin it one way but not the other.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45If I spin it anti-clockwise, it goes very happily anti-clockwise
0:11:45 > 0:11:48but if I try and spin it clockwise, it not only will resist,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51it will stop and spin anti-clockwise.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53I'm now going to try and spin it clockwise.
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Because of the shape... the particular shape?
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Obviously it's the reason, yes.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- Messing with its...you're twisting its melons, man.- Yeah!
0:12:04 > 0:12:06And then round and round and round again.
0:12:06 > 0:12:10- Do you know physics is extraordinary. - It is, try it anti-clockwise.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- It really is...why? - I know, it is very mysterious.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16I'm sorry, I didn't mean to dismiss you by saying it was because of the shape.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20I'm trying to ascertain what the shape...I couldn't really see what was the shape.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24- It's a cat's tongue, Alan. - It is a cat's tongue.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28So, there you are. That shows it goes nicely counter-clockwise.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31- Let me see.- It's sort of a humpy thing.
0:12:31 > 0:12:33Slight hump in it but it's nothing...
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- But it's got a twisty bit. - Tiny twist. Now, do it clockwise.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41- Isn't that amazing? - Did you say it has a name?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43This particular thing is called a rattleback.
0:12:43 > 0:12:45That's extraordinary, isn't it?
0:12:45 > 0:12:48Yeah, so that's the tippe top and the rattleback.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Two very extraordinary objects that you can spin around
0:12:51 > 0:12:52and seem to have minds of their own.
0:12:52 > 0:12:57Now, name the world's scariest spice.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58- Well, it's none of them.- No.
0:12:58 > 0:13:03Because I was a member of the Spice Girls fan club at the age of 20.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- So, we're not going to be looking for an actual spice?- Well, yes.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10- So, it's once of these?- Yes.
0:13:10 > 0:13:13In order to big-up the price of spice
0:13:13 > 0:13:16and it didn't need much to do it back in the 17th century,
0:13:16 > 0:13:19spice was the most precious commodity in the world.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22Indeed there were spice wars between...?
0:13:22 > 0:13:26- The British, the Dutch and the Portuguese mainly.- Absolutely right.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- And the island of Banda...- Yes.
0:13:28 > 0:13:31..in Indonesia was swapped for Manhattan.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Well, one of the Banda islands was, yes.
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Because it had so much nutmeg on it
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- and nutmeg was more valuable than gold.- Indeed.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41And they used it to preserve meat.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Well, they do and at the time, they thought it was
0:13:43 > 0:13:46a cure for the bubonic plague, which increased its value even more.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48The island was actually called Run, which is
0:13:48 > 0:13:53- one of the Banda islands but, erm... - Have you been to a spice farm?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55It's the most astonishing thing cos you say,
0:13:55 > 0:13:56"Oh, I'm going to go to a spice farm.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59"Thinking there'll be the nutmeg here and the paprika here..."
0:13:59 > 0:14:03It all grows all together in the most fantastic eco-system
0:14:03 > 0:14:05and you walk around and they're intertwined.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09It's the most heady experience I've ever had in my life, it's fantastic.
0:14:09 > 0:14:13- Yeah.- Spice farms in places like Tanzania...incredible.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17- Tanzania and also Sri Lanka. - So, that's nutmeg there? Love that.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18Yeah.
0:14:18 > 0:14:23And nutmeg is related to mace in which way? What way? How way?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26- Cousins.- Well, I think it's that I put mace in my beef stroganoff
0:14:26 > 0:14:28but not nutmeg, does that work?
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Mace and nutmeg are the same plant,
0:14:30 > 0:14:33- just different parts of the same plant.- Oh, OK.- Actually, yeah.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35But the one we're talking about is cinnamon.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38And the salesman of cinnamon, in order to sell it at the most
0:14:38 > 0:14:42premium price they could, used to tell of where it came from.
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Which was the nest of this extraordinary bird,
0:14:45 > 0:14:49which they called the kinnamomon orneon.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52And it used these twigs of cinnamon in its nest
0:14:52 > 0:14:54and what they would have to do to catch it, this giant bird,
0:14:54 > 0:14:57is they'd leave slaughtered bits of giant oxen
0:14:57 > 0:14:59and the birds would take them up and put them on their nest,
0:14:59 > 0:15:02which would over-balance the nest and it would fall down
0:15:02 > 0:15:04and they would take out the cinnamon twigs.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07And, so they would charge all the more money for how dangerous
0:15:07 > 0:15:10it was, basically, to gather from this mystical bird.
0:15:10 > 0:15:11That is so fantastic,
0:15:11 > 0:15:14cos you can imagine on the Silk Road or the trade roads
0:15:14 > 0:15:17stopping and earning your supper of a night by telling
0:15:17 > 0:15:19the tale of that particular thing.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21Exactly and in fact it is the bark from a tree,
0:15:21 > 0:15:23which doesn't take that much skill.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25But to travel the distance it did, once it got to Britain,
0:15:25 > 0:15:26a long, long way away...
0:15:26 > 0:15:29- Oh, yeah.- ..only the very, very richest of people could afford it.
0:15:29 > 0:15:34Now, the word pepper has, as it were, two meanings for us.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36We have the pepper, which is salt and pepper
0:15:36 > 0:15:38and then we have hot peppers.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41And do you remember the name of the scale by which you measure
0:15:41 > 0:15:42the heat of peppers?
0:15:42 > 0:15:44I heard a little whisper in the audience.
0:15:44 > 0:15:48If you have a really strong one, it smells like someone's died inside you.
0:15:48 > 0:15:53- Ahhhhh... Ooooohhhh.... - Someone in the audience is dying to get out here.- Richter.- Say it again?
0:15:53 > 0:15:55- FROM THE AUDIENCE:- Scoville.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58Scoville, Scoville Scale, you're absolutely right.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02And on the Scoville Scale a jalapeno, for example, is 5,000.
0:16:02 > 0:16:06Whereas, the hottest one is the Trinidad Maruga Scorpion.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10- Oh, it sounds hot.- Which ranks over two million on the Scoville Scale.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12Could it kill you, if it was that...?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15Almost, I mean, the hottest possible on the Scoville Scale
0:16:15 > 0:16:18are actually genuinely poisonous but the hottest curry,
0:16:18 > 0:16:20supposedly, ever measured that's been eaten.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23It was eaten by a Dr Rothwell, who was a radiologist,
0:16:23 > 0:16:24perhaps appropriately.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28In order to prepare it, the chef had to wear goggles and a mask...
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Like so, and it produces crying and shaking and vomiting,
0:16:31 > 0:16:33in eating it.
0:16:33 > 0:16:35Very like our local Indian.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41The restaurant's owner said that Dr Rothwell was hallucinating
0:16:41 > 0:16:44and he himself took a ten minute walk down the street weeping,
0:16:44 > 0:16:45in the middle of eating it.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Took him an hour to eat. Which is not bad.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49So, so hot!
0:16:49 > 0:16:52Now, which Olympic sport should women not take part in?
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Weightlifting.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58- She looks so pleased with herself. - She does, as wouldn't you be.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01Four scenes away from a prolapse though.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05I'm trying to think of her name, she's amazing.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08She can lift The equivalent of two fridges over her head.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- She's an astonishing... - Cheryl Haworth, by the way.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Cheryl Haworth, that's right, and she's an amazing weightlifter.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15- I went to women's weightlifting in the Olympics.- Did you?
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Marvellous.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19And a woman from Kazakhstan won,
0:17:19 > 0:17:21very emo...not a dry eye in the house.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- You can see the physical effort. - Oh, absolutely.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27It's quite funny, the weightlifting because usually,
0:17:27 > 0:17:31I was going to say the trainer but it's more like the handler...
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Coaxes out the weightlifter...
0:17:38 > 0:17:40This way, this way.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43- And then they get the powder for the...- Oh, yes.
0:17:43 > 0:17:46..for grip and then they get in position
0:17:46 > 0:17:49and they go "sh-sh-sh" and you all have to be quiet.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52You could hear a pin drop and then they make this...and
0:17:52 > 0:17:54when they can't do it, it's heartbreaking.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56- It's four years... - They turn their back on it.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59If they do do it, everyone erupts.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01- So, it's a very emotional experience.- I bet it is.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04There was one girl who fell down and got pinned under it.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05PANEL GASP
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Everyone's craning their necks for a view.
0:18:08 > 0:18:09Is she alive?
0:18:09 > 0:18:11Twitching...
0:18:11 > 0:18:12STEPHEN LAUGHS
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Took about four people to lift the thing off her neck, you know.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- Kept getting help cos it was enormous.- Exactly.
0:18:18 > 0:18:19It was very, very exciting.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22- Everything about the Olympics was exciting.- It was?
0:18:22 > 0:18:27- It was quite exciting just going to the ExCeL centre, no-one's ever said that before.- No.
0:18:27 > 0:18:31- Are you talking about the ancient Olympics or...- No, the ancient Olympics was all male anyway.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34No, this is, obviously, women should be allowed
0:18:34 > 0:18:37and can take part in all the summer Olympics...
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Except Pierre de Coubertin, who founded the modern Olympics, he said
0:18:40 > 0:18:44that it should just be about male athleticism, applauded by women.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47But we've moved on from that, as we know. So, when we say "should"...
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- Is it a K?- Yes, it is a K.- It's a K thing?
0:18:50 > 0:18:53It's a K, the word actually means, in its own language,
0:18:53 > 0:18:54a man's something.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57Which is why, technically, you can't have a woman's version of it.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59- Kayaking.- Is the right answer.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01- Really?- Yeah.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02APPLAUSE
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Absolutely right.
0:19:06 > 0:19:10In the Inuktitut language, it means a man's boat.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Except, they also had all female boats
0:19:12 > 0:19:18- and I'm trying to think of the name of them. They had a boat that was only for the women.- Kayakette.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21And traditionally the women caught more fish...in their boats and
0:19:21 > 0:19:25they've got a completely different name, like an umiak, I think.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27It was called a trawler.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Errrr!
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Sometimes the men used the umiak for hunting walruses and things,
0:19:38 > 0:19:42but they were mainly used just for transporting people and objects.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Now, these two in this picture, one seems to have a quiver
0:19:44 > 0:19:46for arrows and the other one seems to have a baby...
0:19:46 > 0:19:51- Growing out of her shoulder. - It would be awful to get those mixed up.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53Baaaaah!
0:19:56 > 0:19:59So, anyway...now for a question about going under the knife.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01What's the advantage of having
0:20:01 > 0:20:05an arm surgically attached to your face?
0:20:05 > 0:20:06You could use it like a trunk.
0:20:06 > 0:20:10- You could.- Feed yourself buns.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Are you talking about an arm, or an arm and a hand, or...?
0:20:13 > 0:20:16- Extra arm.- No, it's not to give you an extra arm.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18- Skin grafting. - It was kind of skin grafting.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22It was done in the 17th century by an Italian surgeon.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24That's the process - there's your arm.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26It's the bit near the shoulder,
0:20:26 > 0:20:30and it's attached, as you can see, to the nose.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32It was quite common in that period for the nose to perish,
0:20:32 > 0:20:34to disappear, to get diseased from...?
0:20:34 > 0:20:36- Oh, syphilis. - Syphilis, I'm afraid.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39There was a man called Gaspare Tagliacozzi,
0:20:39 > 0:20:41who was a surgeon from Bologna,
0:20:41 > 0:20:43and he performed this rhinoplasty, essentially.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45I'd like an eye on me finger.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47- An eye on your finger.- Mm.
0:20:51 > 0:20:54I'm sure it'd be possible one day.
0:20:54 > 0:20:56Fit for the uses on buses and tubes.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00I'm afraid people get...
0:21:00 > 0:21:06- LAUGHTER - No! Not for an auto colonoscopy!
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Stop it!
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Behave! That's just revolting.
0:21:12 > 0:21:13A-ha.
0:21:13 > 0:21:17Of course, the other thing is, there was
0:21:17 > 0:21:21a nobleman who decided he didn't want anybody's...
0:21:21 > 0:21:23There was a nobleman who decided he didn't want...
0:21:23 > 0:21:24I'm reading.
0:21:28 > 0:21:30There was a nobleman who decided he didn't want a cut
0:21:30 > 0:21:33made in his own arm, so he had a servant have his arm cut.
0:21:33 > 0:21:34- Really?- Yeah.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38And the servant had to sort of follow him all around.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41Of course, what happened was the servant died
0:21:41 > 0:21:43and the nose was rejected.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45Of course.
0:21:45 > 0:21:46And they weren't sure whether he died
0:21:46 > 0:21:49because it was rejected or whether it was rejected because he died.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52So he had no nose and nobody to get the tea!
0:21:52 > 0:21:57There's another operation - a gynecomastia,
0:21:57 > 0:22:01which is breast diminution.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03In 2012, a paper called
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Gynecomastia in German Soldiers - Etiology and Pathology,
0:22:06 > 0:22:09looked at the number of breast reductions that were taking
0:22:09 > 0:22:11place among the male members of the German army.
0:22:11 > 0:22:16Abnormal breasts - why would German soldiers have abnormal breasts?
0:22:16 > 0:22:19- They drink too much milk.- No.
0:22:19 > 0:22:20Is it when you march like this?
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Not quite the marching, it's a ceremonial buffeting of your
0:22:23 > 0:22:25rifle against your chest.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27It actually causes the breast to enlarge.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29Is it like a shock thing?
0:22:29 > 0:22:33It's a shock and the breast has to get used to this regular
0:22:33 > 0:22:36pummelling, and decides to push extra fat out to protect itself.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39- Wow.- It's during ceremonial drill...
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Women could save money on breast implants and just get a gun.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46I think it might be quite odd
0:22:46 > 0:22:49if you were just sitting on the bus doing that all the time.
0:22:49 > 0:22:50I'd save it for private!
0:22:50 > 0:22:54I think if you took a gun on a bus at all you'd be in rouble.
0:22:54 > 0:22:55In the last six years,
0:22:55 > 0:22:58212 German soldiers have had this procedure,
0:22:58 > 0:23:00which is not inconsiderable,
0:23:00 > 0:23:03considering that being a male soldier it's kind of embarrassing.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Exactly. I just thought, wouldn't it go away?
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Yeah, the modern German army...
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- MIMICS GERMAN ACCENT:- Forget all you notions of the Nazis,
0:23:10 > 0:23:12we're whole new peoples!
0:23:12 > 0:23:15We're very at ease with our inner woman, you know.
0:23:15 > 0:23:18It's really, there's no embarrassment -
0:23:18 > 0:23:22I could show you my breasts. And I'm not embarrassed at all.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25It's fine.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27- That's an incredibly sexy accent. - Thank you.- It really is.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30APPLAUSE
0:23:32 > 0:23:36I think camouflage clothing is weird cos you can see them perfectly well.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46You may have missed the point but I know of know what you're saying.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50Right, now it's time for the klaxon roulette that we call General Ignorance.
0:23:50 > 0:23:51Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Which way is this comet going?
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- ALAN'S BUZZER - Where's it headed to.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59I think it's going that way, I thought was the answer.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- KLAXON SOUNDS - Oh!
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Dagnabbit!
0:24:07 > 0:24:10It looks as though the tail is to the left.
0:24:10 > 0:24:13The tail is caused by solar wind.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15There's nothing to reveal the direction of travel.
0:24:15 > 0:24:19It's solidified carbon dioxide turning into gas in the solar winds,
0:24:19 > 0:24:22and it's always pointing away from the sun, the tail.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- Isn't it beautiful? - They are beautiful, aren't they?
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Who took that picture?
0:24:33 > 0:24:34That's a good effort.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38You could put it into a competition.
0:24:40 > 0:24:45I shot this on a Nikon F8, standing on a step ladder.
0:24:45 > 0:24:48It took me 40 years to get the film developed.
0:24:50 > 0:24:54I assume from some passing object that NASA sent up.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57But it comes from the Greek comitos, do you know what that means?
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- Electrical store.- No.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06APPLAUSE
0:25:08 > 0:25:09It means "long beard",
0:25:09 > 0:25:12and that's what it reminds people of, a nice long beard.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15The point is, there's nothing to reveal the direction of travel.
0:25:15 > 0:25:20- We don't know where that one's going then?- We simply don't know.
0:25:20 > 0:25:25- Luton.- It's going to Luton. That'll do.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29Describe the skin on a crocodile's head.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30There isn't going to be any, is there?
0:25:30 > 0:25:32- Thick.- Thick is probably right, yeah.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34- This is a trap, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:25:34 > 0:25:36- Would I?- Yes.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39- They don't have any skin. - Yeah, they do.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42- It's not that. - It's not that then, yeah.
0:25:42 > 0:25:44Shoe.
0:25:44 > 0:25:45Reptilian.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Yes, that'll do. Bit it isn't scaly.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49- Not scaly.- That's right.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50Not scaly.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53Move on then, next one.
0:25:54 > 0:25:57- Just do a quick explanation. - Fish are scaly.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59It's cracked skin and it's irregular.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02Scales are genetically programmed to appear and are regular,
0:26:02 > 0:26:05but these are different on every single crocodile
0:26:05 > 0:26:06and they're not regular.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10Once, I did an extraordinary trip where I canoed across Africa -
0:26:10 > 0:26:13I don't recommend it, you get a condition called trench bottom,
0:26:13 > 0:26:15and, um...
0:26:15 > 0:26:18- Met a wonderful woman... - Sorry, you did what nude?
0:26:18 > 0:26:20- I canoed across Africa.- Nude?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22No, no, not nude.
0:26:24 > 0:26:26All I could hear...
0:26:28 > 0:26:30It was in my head.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33It wasn't dangerous enough, so I...
0:26:34 > 0:26:37I thought I heard you say, "I can nude."
0:26:37 > 0:26:39That's why I went, "Pardon?"
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Anyway, I met this woman, this missionary and I said to her...
0:26:42 > 0:26:44LIZA LAUGHS
0:26:46 > 0:26:48She said, "I hope you're not in a kayak."
0:26:54 > 0:26:56- She was a missionary...? - A missionary.
0:26:56 > 0:27:00And she said to me, "Are you worried about crocodiles." I said, "Yes."
0:27:00 > 0:27:03She said, "If you should meet a crocodile, here's the advice -
0:27:03 > 0:27:07"offer it your arm cos then you've still got both legs to run away."
0:27:07 > 0:27:08True.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11I like that. We know another good way.
0:27:11 > 0:27:15Put a rubber band over its mouth.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18It can only move one jaw and it can't put any pressure upwards,
0:27:18 > 0:27:20snap it down.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23The things that look like scales on a crocodile's head
0:27:23 > 0:27:25are actually just cracks in its skin.
0:27:25 > 0:27:28So, that's the end of the show so let's find out who's
0:27:28 > 0:27:30the clever clogs and who's a big stupid old thicky.
0:27:30 > 0:27:36In equal last position on minus nine,
0:27:36 > 0:27:39- it's Liza and Susan! - SHE CHEERS
0:27:39 > 0:27:41APPLAUSE
0:27:44 > 0:27:48In a highly respectable second place
0:27:48 > 0:27:50with minus four, Alan Davies!
0:27:50 > 0:27:52APPLAUSE
0:27:56 > 0:27:58Which means that our runaway,
0:27:58 > 0:28:01super-soaraway winner with minus two is Sandi Toksvig.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03APPLAUSE
0:28:08 > 0:28:12So it only remains for me to thank Susan, Sandi, Liza and Alan.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14Good night.