0:00:23 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:33Goooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening
0:00:33 > 0:00:36and welcome to QI.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Where will this get me?
0:00:38 > 0:00:40I'm going to find my broom, here.
0:00:40 > 0:00:44If I were to move my hands together like this, what would happen?
0:00:44 > 0:00:46Whether I did this one a bit more than that one,
0:00:46 > 0:00:50or that one a bit more than that one. What would happen, at the end? When my hands met.
0:00:50 > 0:00:52- The heavy end would fall down. - No.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54- Shut up! - Extraordinary, when you do this,
0:00:54 > 0:00:58you will always find it meets at the centre of gravity.
0:00:58 > 0:00:59- Always.- Oh!
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Because the resistance from the heavy end slows...
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Yeah, exactly, so as long as you're just sort of doing it without thinking, you know,
0:01:05 > 0:01:07it just meets up like that. And it balances.
0:01:07 > 0:01:11It doesn't actually look a very natural implement in your hand, Stephen.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Try it, you've all got... No. But you've got one.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17- Maybe it'll look more natural in yours.- Yeah, I am a drudge.
0:01:17 > 0:01:21- You can ride it home tonight. - Here we go.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23You've all got one, so try it.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Obviously...
0:01:25 > 0:01:29- His fell apart!- Everybody except Alan. Now try properly.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33Obviously the left hand won't move as far as the right one.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36DANNY: Mine's not going at all. What? Oh, no, it's...
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Is it working for you, Marcus? Please God!
0:01:38 > 0:01:41- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no... - Jo isn't even trying. - It does, it does.
0:01:41 > 0:01:45- Ah, there you go.- I can tell you, there are women all over the country going,
0:01:45 > 0:01:48"look at the silly bastards, we've got to clean the floor with it."
0:01:48 > 0:01:52- DANNY: Oh man, this is...- I've been trying this all afternoon and I can't make it do anything else.- No!
0:01:52 > 0:01:56It's like, it's got the Uri Geller touch about it, it's just...
0:01:56 > 0:01:59- Aaaah, cool! - That is bizarre.- Aaah!
0:01:59 > 0:02:03- Well, that's really disappointing. - This one's Kate Moss.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Yeah, baby.
0:02:04 > 0:02:08I'm completely astounded. We're all very disappointed.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Every single person who's tried this...
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Is there any money in doing it wrong?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16LAUGHTER
0:02:16 > 0:02:19APPLAUSE
0:02:19 > 0:02:24- It's just like... I'm not doing it on purpose, I promise I'm not... - Close your eyes.- Look at that!
0:02:24 > 0:02:27There, that's good. You've found the centre of gravity perfectly, there.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- Last time, last time, last time. Last time. It's level, yes?- Yeah.
0:02:32 > 0:02:36Level. It's going, I can feel it's going...
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- Aah!- Hurray!
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Phew!
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Didn't Muhammad Ali say that, didn't he?
0:02:43 > 0:02:46He said he was so fast he could get into bed before the light went off.
0:02:46 > 0:02:51- Yeah, and I think someone said, "just get a bedside light." - Yeah, exactly.
0:02:51 > 0:02:52Or just one of those ones. CLAPS HANDS
0:02:52 > 0:02:55And then you can clap when you're in bed and who doesn't like that?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57BILL: Ah, yes, but that's very interesting then,
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- cos then, you see, the sound... - You've just turned the camera off. - What?
0:03:00 > 0:03:03You've just turned the camera off, could you do two?
0:03:03 > 0:03:05Could you do two, now?
0:03:05 > 0:03:08- Thank you. - LAUGHTER
0:03:08 > 0:03:11We use the same system, we didn't expect anybody to clap.
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- What? What just happened?- You turned the camera off by clapping.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Just the whole universe, just... POWER DOWN NOISE
0:03:17 > 0:03:19- Yeah.- And... POWER UP NOISE.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Yeah, and you're back again now. That's it. Don't clap though.
0:03:22 > 0:03:26POWERING UP: What... NORMAL SPEED: ..would happen...?
0:03:26 > 0:03:30- If?- No, I was just saying, it was rhetorical.- Oh, I see.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32I was just saying...
0:03:32 > 0:03:35There's a question. What would happen, Stephen? Discuss.
0:03:35 > 0:03:40- Yes. "Let's see whose house it is." - "It is."
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Now, that's interesting.
0:03:41 > 0:03:46Why do you think you can balance it with the centre of gravity so high?
0:03:46 > 0:03:49- Cos we know where the centre of gravity is.- Because I'm a genius!
0:03:49 > 0:03:52- LAUGHTER - Yes. That's right.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55But if you try and do that from the bottom end, but not grasping the brushes,
0:03:55 > 0:03:58literally just balancing on your palm, it'll just fall over.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00You mustn't grasp it.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04- LAUGHTER - Like that?
0:04:04 > 0:04:08- Hello. Hello. That's really good, actually.- Yes.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I'm just going to rip...
0:04:10 > 0:04:14I think the show's broom techy might need a word after the programme.
0:04:14 > 0:04:16APPLAUSE
0:04:21 > 0:04:25Has anyone ever tested to see how quickly asparagus makes your wee smell?
0:04:25 > 0:04:29Oh, that's... It's amazingly quick. But there are some people to whom that doesn't have the effect.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Just as some people have their pee going red when they eat beetroot and other people don't.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- I don't go red when I've had beetroot.- I don't. - Oh, God no, no not pee.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39- What are you talking about? - Have you never had the disaster?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41What, do you mean? Other juice?
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Oh, no, again, we're back on shitting, but I was having
0:04:44 > 0:04:47a poo one morning and turned round and it was bright red.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50And I just thought, "well, that's it, that's arse cancer."
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- Arse cancer!- And I'm history.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55And so I thought, "well fair enough, you know, I've had a great life.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- "I've had a great life, and just relax."- Yeah. Yeah.
0:04:58 > 0:05:03And so this went on for several days and each morning, bright red.
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- Bright red?- Yeah. Beetroot.
0:05:05 > 0:05:06Yeah.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09- You shouldn't put them there. - Beetroot stains. But the relief.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11LAUGHTER
0:05:11 > 0:05:14But what would...? I mean, if you just thought, "Oh, that's it."
0:05:14 > 0:05:18And then you just go on a bender for five days.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20- Ha ha! Phone up all your ex girlfriends.- I did.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22- Three days I didn't tell anyone, I was a bit weepy.- Oh, really?
0:05:22 > 0:05:24And then mentioned it to somebody who said,
0:05:24 > 0:05:29"No, have you been eating beetroot?" And I had, I'd bought a load of beetroot salad and that was it.
0:05:29 > 0:05:34I had a very similar experience, and I went, "Oh, my God! I'm an alien."
0:05:34 > 0:05:37So I then phoned the doctor and they go,
0:05:37 > 0:05:39"Oh, you'd better bring a sample in."
0:05:39 > 0:05:42So got a sample in a jar and went into the doctor's,
0:05:42 > 0:05:45obviously keeping it out of sight,
0:05:45 > 0:05:50and went up to the desk and they said, "Name?"
0:05:50 > 0:05:52And you know, "B Bailey," like that.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55And they said, "What's it for?" And I went,
0:05:55 > 0:05:58QUIETLY: "It's an abnormal bowel movement," like that.
0:05:58 > 0:06:02And they went, "No, what's the initial for?" And I went, "Oh, Christ!"
0:06:02 > 0:06:04LAUGHTER
0:06:04 > 0:06:06You didn't hear that!
0:06:08 > 0:06:11Now, everyone knows what knees, knuckles and kidneys are,
0:06:11 > 0:06:15but what's the point of these less familiar K-parts of the body?
0:06:15 > 0:06:21Kiesselbach's plexus. The valves of Kerckring. The end-bulbs of Krause.
0:06:21 > 0:06:23The pores of Kohn.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25That is the best nickname for someone's balls ever.
0:06:26 > 0:06:29Behold the End-Bulbs of Krause!
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Kneel before the End-Bulbs of Krause.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Kneel before them.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Are these not all Star Trek movies?
0:06:37 > 0:06:40- No, I know, it does, doesn't it? Star Trek 19.- Down the years.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43The Valves of Kerckring. Kiesselbach's Plexus.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44They are magnificent names.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47They are all parts of the human anatomy.
0:06:47 > 0:06:48The Pores of Kohn.
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- The bell ends of...- No, we're going to come to the bell ends, Alan.
0:06:51 > 0:06:52Wait for the bell ends.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55They will come, but the Pores of Kohn...
0:06:55 > 0:06:56LAUGHTER
0:07:01 > 0:07:03I don't know what's going to come out.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08I never know what's going to issue from me.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10It's another ring tone, I can't wait.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15That is Twitter in a nut shell.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16I'm so sorry.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Who gave Moses the horn?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23- BUZZER - Yes, Jimmy?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25His wife, Joan of Arc.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28And that is a joke from Bill and Ted's Big Adventure.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30That would be... That was Noah.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- Noah's wife was... - Oh, who was it?
0:07:32 > 0:07:34- Moses. - Oh, well, wrong Biblical...
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- Wrong patriarch. I'm no expert in this area.- Was there a horn of plenty?
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- Is it a horn of plenty? - No, it isn't.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42Do you happen to know which saint was the first to translate
0:07:42 > 0:07:44the Bible into Latin?
0:07:44 > 0:07:47Was it Saint Lee?
0:07:47 > 0:07:50No, I like that. He was saintly, but no,
0:07:50 > 0:07:53you either know this or you don't. It was Saint Jerome.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56And he made a few elementary errors.
0:07:56 > 0:07:59I don't know if we have anyone in the audience called Karen?
0:07:59 > 0:08:02- Do we have anyone called Karen? - MAN: Yeah.
0:08:02 > 0:08:03LAUGHTER
0:08:03 > 0:08:04Very good, very good.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07But if there is a real Karen in the audience, you will know,
0:08:07 > 0:08:10probably, that your name means "rain of light" in Hebrew.
0:08:10 > 0:08:15But also the same word in Hebrew can mean "horn".
0:08:15 > 0:08:18And so St Jerome chose to take the meaning that Moses got down
0:08:18 > 0:08:23the mountain with horns instead of with shining radiant light.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25And so many artists, including Michelangelo,
0:08:25 > 0:08:28represented Moses as having horns. There is Michelangelo's...
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Classic Angelo.
0:08:31 > 0:08:36Anyway, Moses wasn't so much horny, he was more sort of shiny. So...
0:08:37 > 0:08:41What about these, then? Let me see, the end-bulbs of Krause.
0:08:41 > 0:08:43The helmet.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46We have them on the genitalia in mulberry-like clusters,
0:08:46 > 0:08:48- as a matter of fact. - Mulberry-like clusters?
0:08:48 > 0:08:50We have a lot of them on the genitals.
0:08:50 > 0:08:51The little funny bits on the...
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Pimple bits on the...on the right, that are all...
0:08:54 > 0:08:55LAUGHTER
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Don't do that!
0:08:58 > 0:09:00They're those bits, there.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- It's up there.- These middle bits.
0:09:02 > 0:09:06- On that, and that's...- Those middle bits there and there.- Here.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10You know when you take it out to go to the loo, right?
0:09:10 > 0:09:12And then you get the winch down.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15- Stop it.- I have to take a step ladder to go to the loo.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Behave. No, they're smaller than that,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- but they are incredibly sensitive to a particular condition.- A lady.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22To what, ladies?
0:09:22 > 0:09:24To a particular lady.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25A particular lady. No.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29We also have them all over the skin, but they are very concentrated on the genitalia,
0:09:29 > 0:09:33particularly the male genitalia are very sensitive to the...your swinging...
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- Don't do that!- What did he do?
0:09:35 > 0:09:38- Are you having a look? - Is that cheating?- Yes.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40You have a special isolated camera above you,
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- I just thought I'd warn you. - Oh, really?
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- Well, I do. Anyway... - Sorry Colin.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50While we're in playful mood, I have one of my knick-knacks to show you.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52- ALL: Oooh! - Yes.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55Now this, the great Lord Kelvin, in the 1890s,
0:09:55 > 0:09:58was wandering along a beach with a friend, Hugh Blackburn,
0:09:58 > 0:10:00who was a mathematician, and they found a pebble
0:10:00 > 0:10:03and a surface on which to spin it, and they found it had
0:10:03 > 0:10:06a peculiar property, not unlike this, which is called a Tippe Top.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08And you give it a spin...
0:10:08 > 0:10:09Ooh!
0:10:09 > 0:10:12It turns upside down.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15Now, what you sort of don't notice is that it's still going clockwise,
0:10:15 > 0:10:18- but it's upside down, so it has reversed the direction of spin.- Oh.
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Ah.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21And engineers and mathematicians like Bohr
0:10:21 > 0:10:24and Pauli were fascinated by this.
0:10:24 > 0:10:25And it is quite fun. You can have a go.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27That's what makes... There, you'll...
0:10:32 > 0:10:35We can show you some VT of it being done properly by one of our elves,
0:10:35 > 0:10:38and you can see a slightly better spin there.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40It keeps its...
0:10:40 > 0:10:42So this is about, you know where they were saying...
0:10:42 > 0:10:44And it's still going... Sorry.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47Where they were saying that the earth axis is going to change,
0:10:47 > 0:10:50and that north's going to be south, it's much like this.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- Sorry, Liza, is the world going to turn upside down?- Apparently so.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55That's the first anyone's told me.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57The magnetic fields will close. We know that they will swop.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01- Soon? - Tuesday. It's happening on Tuesday.
0:11:02 > 0:11:06I have some snuff for you to try, in different flavours.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09You can see whether the lid is lying or not.
0:11:09 > 0:11:10Arrgh!
0:11:10 > 0:11:13In special QI lids. You can take it if you want.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15You obviously inhale it up the nose.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- You do it all, right? - Oh!
0:11:18 > 0:11:19You're going to spill...
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Don't do it all, no. It's very sharp.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23- HAAA!- It is, it's sharp.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Nothing. Nothing.
0:11:29 > 0:11:30LAUGHTER
0:11:30 > 0:11:34Oh, really! No!
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Nothing.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Oh, you're licking it.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39- OOOOH! - On the gums.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41Oh, a moustache.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43It is quite sharp.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45You've had a go. What's your flavour, Alan?
0:11:45 > 0:11:48It says Christmas Pudding.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50You've got Christmas Pudding.
0:11:50 > 0:11:51The only time I've had a...
0:11:51 > 0:11:53LAUGHTER
0:11:53 > 0:11:54Ross Noble!
0:11:54 > 0:11:57Honestly, it's fine, it's good, put it in your eyes.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58It's good.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05This is probably the only time my nan's going to watch me
0:12:05 > 0:12:08on telly and I'll be like that the whole show.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11What do you reckon, Colin?
0:12:11 > 0:12:15Oh, that is the... This flavour says Kitty Litter.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18LAUGHTER
0:12:18 > 0:12:20That is awful!
0:12:20 > 0:12:21You're not a fan?
0:12:21 > 0:12:23I'm not a fan. It says Champagne.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Yeah, they're different. There are so many, I mean hundreds,
0:12:26 > 0:12:29thousands of different flavours or sorts, as they're called.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31- Ugh!- What does yours say on the lid, Noel?
0:12:31 > 0:12:33- What flavour?- Yeah. - Jealousy.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- By Calvin Klein. - Whisky And Honey.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39- Whisky And Honey. Does it taste...? Yours, Ross?- No, not really.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42- When you've come down? - I can't see!
0:12:42 > 0:12:45It could say anything.
0:12:46 > 0:12:48- Noel will read it to you. - Who's talking to me?!
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Your flavour's Madness.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54The problem is, it makes your snot brown,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56so there are snuff handkerchiefs, brown silk handkerchiefs
0:12:56 > 0:13:00or dark-coloured silk handkerchiefs. But you'll see, you'll get a...
0:13:00 > 0:13:05- HE SNORTS - It'll look as if you've wiped your arse, I'm afraid.
0:13:05 > 0:13:06ALL: Ugh!
0:13:08 > 0:13:11That, from here, looks like the Turin Shroud.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14I can see the face of our Lord!
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Even though you know it's snuff, you're like, "Urggh!"
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- Even though, exactly. - "He's shat in his hanky!"
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Now, let's test your beer goggles, as it were.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33A man in the audience is going to hold up a picture
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- and I want you to tell me who's that of?- Marilyn Monroe.
0:13:35 > 0:13:38Marilyn Monroe, yeah, you can see the picture behind it there,
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Marilyn Monroe.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Now, Sam, walk towards us, if you'd be kind enough.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45I don't think it... I wouldn't, I think...
0:13:45 > 0:13:47It's supposed to look like her, but I'm suspicious.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50- Albert Einstein. - Albert Einstein.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52BRENDAN: Holy crap!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54It is, it is rather extraordinary. It's both.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56- They're related. - No!
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- You would... - Never in the same room, Brendan.
0:13:59 > 0:14:02You'd hardly imagine they would be, would you?
0:14:02 > 0:14:06I think Marilyn Monroe did have quite a bad facial hair problem.
0:14:08 > 0:14:12From a distance the image does look like Marilyn Monroe, because what
0:14:12 > 0:14:16they do is, it's created by the MIT, this illusion, the Massachusetts
0:14:16 > 0:14:20Institute of Technology, as I'm sure you know, they remove
0:14:20 > 0:14:23Marilyn's fine-grained features, like wrinkles and little blemishes,
0:14:23 > 0:14:26and they remove Einstein's coarser features, like
0:14:26 > 0:14:29the shape of his mouth and nose, and then they superimpose the two.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32And from a distance we see just the broader strokes,
0:14:32 > 0:14:34we see her, Marilyn Monroe.
0:14:34 > 0:14:38And close up we see the fine details of Albert Einstein.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41And we've done another version, just to show this really does work.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44It's not just Marilyn. Who's that?
0:14:44 > 0:14:47BRENDAN: Handsome man. That's Stephen Fry, I know him well.
0:14:47 > 0:14:52That's me. That's me! Hurray. And if you come towards us. Hello?
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Ah!
0:14:53 > 0:14:54Hello?
0:14:54 > 0:14:56It's Alan Davies!
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Hey!
0:15:00 > 0:15:01How about that?
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Who is it now?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Oh, yeah, look at that.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Yeah, we have to be that close. That's fantastic.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10It is an extraordinary illusion. I hope they've done two of them
0:15:10 > 0:15:14- so we can have one each in our bedrooms.- I want one in my house. - What distance do you want it?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I want to be far away from it, Stephen.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- Toss you for it. - Oh!
0:15:22 > 0:15:24Sorry.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27And I like the fact you can have words,
0:15:27 > 0:15:30and they're both good old English words, aren't they? Spigot.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- Spigot. A wonderful word. - Yes.- Say it, Alan.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36- We had a Mrs Bigott on our street. - Mrs Bigot, you didn't?
0:15:36 > 0:15:39- That was her actual name.- Mrs Bigot? - Mrs Bigot?- Hmm.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- That's fantastic, and was she? - I think it was a double T. - Oh, right, Bigott.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Everyone was a bigot on our street, Stephen.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48I knew a person called Mrs Willy and she would say Wiley,
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- and it literally was W-I-L-L-Y. - Oh, my God.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52- "That's Wiley."- Oh.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55- Joan Willy. - Joan Willy.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58- We had a Mrs Pennis. - Oh, no!
0:15:58 > 0:16:01- P-E-N-I-S? - She had to... N-N.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03She had to come out of the phone book in the end.
0:16:03 > 0:16:07- Because everybody rang up and said, "Is that Mrs Penis?"- Exactly.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- "I know you boys!" - Yeah. Furious.
0:16:09 > 0:16:11- "You kids, pesky varmints." - Yes.
0:16:11 > 0:16:12I feel bad I did that now.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- We had a Rosy Balls at school. - Oh!
0:16:18 > 0:16:20Congratulations Rosy, if you're watching.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22Rosy Balls.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24At a clergy conference, I met a Father Christmas.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Oh, how fabulous.
0:16:26 > 0:16:30- I've met a Mary Christmas. - A Mary Christmas?- Yeah.
0:16:30 > 0:16:33In Sligo, a lovely man called Dita, Dita Christmas,
0:16:33 > 0:16:36- and he said, "This is my wife, Mary."- Wow.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39And we literally laughed into her face.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Now, who fancies one of my knick-knacks to celebrate
0:16:45 > 0:16:47the beauty of chemistry?
0:16:47 > 0:16:52I've got a bottle here of alcohol, but this is not drinking alcohol. I'm just going to...
0:16:52 > 0:16:54That was full at the start of tonight.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56What I'm going to do is, I'm going to make a cloud,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58which I think you'll find is rather exciting.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01I've got a pump here, and Alan, I'm going
0:17:01 > 0:17:03to ask you to pump for me, would you.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05- Every Monday. - That's it.
0:17:05 > 0:17:09And by doing this I'm just making it evaporate a little, and I'm going
0:17:09 > 0:17:12to stick the plunger in as soon as I can, so I don't get too much.
0:17:12 > 0:17:16- Now by pumping it in, you're applying pressure to this... There you go.- Shall I pump?
0:17:16 > 0:17:20About ten. Two, three, four, five,
0:17:20 > 0:17:23six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26- That'll do.- Is it going to blow up? Is it going to explode?
0:17:26 > 0:17:28- And... Oh! Cloud. - Oh, look at that.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30I've made a cloud.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32But...pop it in.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38We can now make it disappear.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43Gone cloud.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45Come back, cloud!
0:17:45 > 0:17:49Oh, isn't that exciting.
0:17:49 > 0:17:51APPLAUSE
0:17:51 > 0:17:53Now what starts with K and is killed by curiosity?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- A kitten.- Oh!
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- ALARM BLARES - Oh, no.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00I'm sorry.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03It's an animal species, but not a cat.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- A lot of these begin with K. - Kangaroo.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- No, but right hemisphere. - Koala.- Again, the right hemisphere, not the right country.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- Kiwi.- Sorry?- Kiwi? - Kiwi.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15- The right type of animal. - A kea.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Kea is the right answer. Very good. A kea is?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19- A New Zealand parrot. - A flightless bird.
0:18:19 > 0:18:22No, it's not flightless in this case, oddly enough, it's a parrot.
0:18:22 > 0:18:25And there was a bounty put on them some years ago.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27Kea, which as you can see, look quite ravenous -
0:18:27 > 0:18:30they look almost like eagles, but they are parrots - would ride
0:18:30 > 0:18:34the sheep and peck away at them and eat the fat off the poor sheep.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37And so there was a bounty put on their heads
0:18:37 > 0:18:41and New Zealanders found keas were very curious animals.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44It's partly a result of having grown-up in a country with no
0:18:44 > 0:18:46mammals for millions of years.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50Anyway, what you do is, you stand behind a rock and wait for a
0:18:50 > 0:18:54kea to come along, and then you drop behind the rock and disappear.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56And the kea thinks, "That's odd."
0:18:57 > 0:18:59And he wanders up and he takes a look over,
0:18:59 > 0:19:03and you just, with your club, just go bang, like that.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05That's the beauty of it, you've only just started,
0:19:05 > 0:19:07because you don't have to move, you put the kea down.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10The kea's friend goes, "Where's Kevin?"
0:19:10 > 0:19:11Where's Kevin!
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- Wanders round like that. - Are they all called Kevin?
0:19:14 > 0:19:17And then you drop down again and he goes, "Hello, what happened there?
0:19:17 > 0:19:19"There was someone and then there wasn't. How does that happen?"
0:19:19 > 0:19:23And he looks over, bash! And then, "Where's Keith?" and then so on.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25All the Ks.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27And you get a huge swag bag of kea.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31Wine doesn't taste as nice in a mug.
0:19:31 > 0:19:32Wine, no that's very true.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34And I think tea doesn't taste good out of a...
0:19:34 > 0:19:37It's because of the amount of air you take in.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41- Yes, that's probably true isn't it? - No, no, it IS true, Stephen. - Yes, no, sorry.
0:19:48 > 0:19:51It's the thinness of the glass.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53It's the amount of air you're taking as you sip.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56If you like tea, just make one cup in a glass
0:19:56 > 0:19:57and try the tea out of a glass.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59- It is divine. - Delicious, you're right.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- Because it minimises...- My wife likes a thin mug.
0:20:02 > 0:20:04Well that's your own business, but I'm just saying...
0:20:04 > 0:20:05LAUGHTER
0:20:11 > 0:20:14- I'd leave if I were you. - I think I'll go.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16I'm getting a pummelling off these two.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17Sorry, it was, it was...
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- But it is due to the air. - Pitch, half volley and then...
0:20:20 > 0:20:24Who thought that Fry and Carroll would be a double act? Look at them go!
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- Well, that's why they taste wine, they go... - HE SLURPS
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- Yeah, to get the...- To maximise the air they get in.- But...
0:20:29 > 0:20:31- OPERATIC RING TONE - Is that your phone?
0:20:31 > 0:20:32Yes.
0:20:40 > 0:20:41It's Heston Blumenthal.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45Now it's time for one of my knick-knacks,
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- a little scientific experiment. And all I have to do... - ALL: Oooh!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51- I know, it's terribly exciting, isn't it, is bring up this.- Ah ha.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53I don't know if you can see in here
0:20:53 > 0:20:56the tiny little grains of a kind of a little crystalline matter.
0:20:56 > 0:20:58And a bottle here.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00Salt and vinegar.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03It looks like salt and vinegar. Bizarrely, that is what is
0:21:03 > 0:21:06used for flavouring salt and vinegar - sodium acetate.
0:21:06 > 0:21:10It's got caustic soda and vinegar, which is what makes sodium acetate.
0:21:10 > 0:21:11It's then dissolved slowly in water.
0:21:11 > 0:21:15It's very unstable - if I shook it, it would instantly crystallise, so I'm going to be careful.
0:21:15 > 0:21:18But if you add it to crystals, it also crystallises,
0:21:18 > 0:21:21- and I hope to make a dildo for you. - Oh, good.
0:21:21 > 0:21:22A dildo just out of this liquid.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25I'm going to stand up to do it, if the camera allows me to, because
0:21:25 > 0:21:29it needs a steady hand and I need to keep rising as I'm slowly pouring.
0:21:29 > 0:21:33It's a bit like making mayonnaise, very slowly adding the oil.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36- It's nothing like making mayonnaise. - No, you very slowly...
0:21:36 > 0:21:39You're making a phallus.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41But in terms of the pouring...
0:21:41 > 0:21:43This could ruin Mothers' Day for some people.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44I'm just going to slowly pour it.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47Can you see there's a tiny bit of crystal on there?
0:21:47 > 0:21:49- So a really very small amount. - Yeah.- OK.- Here we are.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52I've got to have a steady slow stream.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53Let's just hope it works.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01- Ooooh!- Ooh, I say!
0:22:04 > 0:22:06JOHNNY VEGAS: It's a snowman dildo.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10# We're walking in the air
0:22:10 > 0:22:11LAUGHTER
0:22:15 > 0:22:18# We're going to land for just a while. #
0:22:20 > 0:22:22Snowman needs his private time!
0:22:26 > 0:22:27Get off me back.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30It's not very easy to be very accurate.
0:22:30 > 0:22:32I've got to keep doing higher,
0:22:32 > 0:22:34otherwise it'll blow back into the bottle.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36But there you go. How's that?
0:22:36 > 0:22:37APPLAUSE
0:22:43 > 0:22:44There you go.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49What is there to say about long-necked Karen?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53She's got lovely eyes.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58Yeah, you're always the first to see the nice.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01That's one of those Family Fortunes ones, isn't it,
0:23:01 > 0:23:03- we've had this before. - Oh, yes, "Survey said..."
0:23:03 > 0:23:05Name a bird with a long neck.
0:23:08 > 0:23:10And the bloke goes, "Naomi Campbell."
0:23:14 > 0:23:16Well, this is clearly not Naomi.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17No, Emu.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21Karen is the answer here. Who is this Karen?
0:23:21 > 0:23:23- Is it a tribe or something? - Say again?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25- Tribe, is it a tribe? - Tribe.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27The Karen tribe.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28The Karen tribe.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31"Oh, hello, all right? Lovely to see you."
0:23:31 > 0:23:34"Hiya, y'all right?"
0:23:34 > 0:23:37The neighbouring Tracey tribe is...
0:23:38 > 0:23:40They hate the Traceys.
0:23:40 > 0:23:41"Stay away from Gary!"
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Here come the Garys.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48Huurrrr! Not bovvered.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55But the tribe we're talking about, the Padaung Karen tribe, from?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58Do they put rings round the... and do all that extending over time?
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Exactly, let's have a look at them. There we are, look at that.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04- Oh, my word. - Wow!- Wow, isn't that impressive?
0:24:04 > 0:24:06It looks like she's kind of being bred with a Slinky.
0:24:09 > 0:24:11They're so-called giraffe-necked.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14- At the end of the day, oh!- Well, they can't at the end of the...
0:24:22 > 0:24:25"Beryl, Beryl, why are the curtains on the floor? Oh."
0:24:25 > 0:24:28You know when you have a Jack-in-the-box ready to go?
0:24:28 > 0:24:31- Oh, yes. - P-ding!
0:24:31 > 0:24:35Maybe that's what would happen, rather than go down, it just goes...
0:24:45 > 0:24:49My mother-in-law makes absolutely no sound when she moves.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55That's remarkable, like Jeeves.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57She is the stealthiest person.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01You've got a stealth mother-in-law. Is she sprayed black?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Honestly, she could be a brilliant spy, you know.
0:25:04 > 0:25:07You might be in a room and looking in a thing or something,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10and then suddenly she'll go, "Hello." "Oh, Jesus!
0:25:10 > 0:25:12"Where did you come from?! Where did you come from?!
0:25:12 > 0:25:15"It's a long way from the door."
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Anybody would have gone, "Ahem," made a little noise. Nothing.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Oh, that's terrible.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22It's like the famous story of the boy who was, you know,
0:25:22 > 0:25:26having a play with himself in his bedroom, with his eyes closed.
0:25:26 > 0:25:29And by the way, I was not playing with myself.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- No, no not you.- In this story, before you conflate them.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35- No, that's true.- What's that story or that thing where Alan Davies
0:25:35 > 0:25:37and his mother-in-law comes up behind him?
0:25:37 > 0:25:40- Let's just separate those two things.- All right.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43But he closes his eyes in bliss and when he opens them afterwards,
0:25:43 > 0:25:46he just finds a cup of tea next to him.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50It sounds so appalling.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54She thought, "Well, your father always likes a cup of tea afterwards."
0:25:55 > 0:25:56And a biscuit.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01Oh, gracious. Oh!
0:26:01 > 0:26:03No.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09Now, we have something, here's some potassium iodide,
0:26:09 > 0:26:11it's a catalyst for my next experiment.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13- ALL: Oooh! - Yes.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15My next experiment also involves me having,
0:26:15 > 0:26:18for health and safety reasons, to wear these.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Cowabunga, dude, you look awesome.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Tell us, O mighty king.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24And... Oooh!
0:26:24 > 0:26:25"Oh, stop it, no."
0:26:25 > 0:26:28I can tell from that sample you've had asparagus.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33Well, what that is, is H2O2.
0:26:33 > 0:26:37- Does anyone know what H2O2 is? - Water water.- Water water?
0:26:37 > 0:26:41- Double water.- It's H2O, it's water with an extra oxygen molecule,
0:26:41 > 0:26:44- but it has a different name. - MAN IN AUDIENCE: Hydrogen peroxide.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47They're a good audience! Hydrogen peroxide. Well, that's partly
0:26:47 > 0:26:50- because three-quarters of the women have got blonde hair.- Yes.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53But it's quite unstable and it's always trying to
0:26:53 > 0:26:57lose its extra molecule and turn to water and to oxygen gas.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00And we've mixed it here with some ordinary detergent,
0:27:00 > 0:27:02some washing up liquid.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04So, could you go and stand next to Bill,
0:27:04 > 0:27:07- because it's not really violent, but it's kind of...- Well, why...?
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- Let's just say... - Hang on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13What am I, a human shield or something?
0:27:13 > 0:27:16It's all right, you can be this side of him, it's not that violent.
0:27:16 > 0:27:19You don't seem much concerned with MY safety.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22You can stand next to Jeremy, that's a good point.
0:27:22 > 0:27:24It's that much nearer Alan.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26You'll see, it's not going to be that violent...
0:27:26 > 0:27:29- It isn't dangerous.- It might be dangerous.- It isn't dangerous. - It isn't.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Just hold me.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34It's basically...
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Do you want to sit on my knee?
0:27:38 > 0:27:41- Don't stop, I liked it. - Here we go, are you ready?
0:27:41 > 0:27:44Do you want to count me down, audience? Count me down from three.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46- Three...- Oh, what comes next?
0:27:46 > 0:27:48ALL: Three, two, one.
0:27:50 > 0:27:52ALL EXCLAIM
0:27:52 > 0:27:54- Oh, very good. - There you go.
0:27:57 > 0:28:00I think you'll agree, that's quite a money shot.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06JEREMY: Stephen, are you suggesting if I get some of that potassium...?
0:28:06 > 0:28:09- That that will really make you perform in bed? No.- No.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13- No. That's amazing. - Well, that's magnificent...
0:28:15 > 0:28:18- JIMMY:- Oh, yeah, that's it, baby. - It's still flowing.
0:28:18 > 0:28:22- That's the stuff. - It's a rather horrible yellow at the edges, though, isn't it?
0:28:22 > 0:28:25Yeah, it does get like that. It's horrible.
0:28:26 > 0:28:28So, good night.