0:00:05 > 0:00:13This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:33 > 0:00:35good evening and welcome to QI.
0:00:37 > 0:00:39What does encyclopaedia mean?
0:00:39 > 0:00:41Because it sounds like a kiddy-fiddler on a bike.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43LAUGHTER
0:00:43 > 0:00:45No, I think...
0:00:45 > 0:00:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:53Sometimes it is very tricky, I grant you.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55It could get an idiot into trouble. But...
0:00:57 > 0:00:59That seems so...
0:00:59 > 0:01:00LAUGHTER
0:01:00 > 0:01:02No. I didn't mean that in that way.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04I don't know what you're laughing at.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07The entry for "woman" in the original version
0:01:07 > 0:01:12of the Encyclopaedia Britannica just says, "the female of man, see homo."
0:01:12 > 0:01:14LAUGHTER
0:01:14 > 0:01:16He will tell you everything you need to know.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- Yes, exactly. Because he's their best friend.- Ah.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21JIMMY LAUGHS
0:01:21 > 0:01:24In the 1960s, an American called Dr Harvey Einbinder, who so
0:01:24 > 0:01:27- hated the Encyclopaedia Britannica, he wrote a book...- I hate it!
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Exactly, he wrote a book where he listed all the things that
0:01:30 > 0:01:32were wrong in it. It was 390 pages long.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34- Oh, I like the sound of him. - The Myth of Britannica.
0:01:34 > 0:01:39- What's his name?- Harvey Einbinder. - Harvey.- Fabulous name, isn't it?
0:01:39 > 0:01:41Does he only have one binder?
0:01:41 > 0:01:43We meet at last, Mr Einbinder. Yes.
0:01:43 > 0:01:45He's a massive binder!
0:01:47 > 0:01:49Don't touch my binder!
0:01:49 > 0:01:53- Maybe that's why he hated Encyclo... - This is the binder you seek!
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Yes, Encyclopaedia Britannica has 52 binders and I only have one!
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Ein Binder!
0:01:58 > 0:02:01He might have pronounced it "ein BIN-der," for all I know.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Ein Binder!
0:02:04 > 0:02:09Now, how was it composed, who wrote the entries and articles?
0:02:09 > 0:02:10People on the internet.
0:02:10 > 0:02:12- That's now.- Sorry, yes.
0:02:12 > 0:02:15That was, that's your Wiki, your wicked-pedia.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18- Was it a group of homos? - No, it wasn't a group of homos.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22Well, if you ask a homo about everything, obviously they are...
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- Yes, I see what you mean. - The homos are the...
0:02:25 > 0:02:27I see where you're coming from.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29No, it was experts in their chosen field.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30Prince Edward.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33So, no, in their day, contributors have included...
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- Katie Price.- Sigmund Freud.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39That would be now, but in the past included
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Sigmund Freud, Albert Einstein, Leon Trotsky, Harry Houdini.
0:02:43 > 0:02:44I only know three of those people.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47And there's strangely no women there at all,
0:02:47 > 0:02:49is that because they're all off seeking homos?
0:02:49 > 0:02:51LAUGHTER
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- I'm incredibly sorry...- To ask.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56I apologise, I didn't do the picture research for this particular
0:02:56 > 0:02:57item, and if I'd found, I'm sure...
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- That's all right, we're used to it, don't worry.- Maybe Marie Curie...
0:03:00 > 0:03:03Someone must have written about baking in the book.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05SHE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
0:03:06 > 0:03:09I don't know if there's points given for bravery,
0:03:09 > 0:03:12but there's a certain... I think there's a certain,
0:03:12 > 0:03:15but I have to respect that slightly, just in terms of...
0:03:15 > 0:03:18- That is panache, definitely. - I'm hiding in plain sight, Jimmy.
0:03:18 > 0:03:21Yeah. And maybe, I'd like to think Marie Curie had been asked to do
0:03:21 > 0:03:23- one on radiation, for example. - Yes.- Is she a good cook?
0:03:23 > 0:03:25LAUGHTER
0:03:29 > 0:03:32He keeps at it. You've got to hand it to him.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- Just do that bit of singing again. - With the...?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38Just do that bit of singing again.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40TREVOR SINGS AND CLICKS
0:03:42 > 0:03:43That's the song.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46You don't know me well, Trevor, but I'm on the turn, I'm telling you.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49LAUGHTER
0:03:49 > 0:03:51SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY LAUGHTER
0:03:53 > 0:03:58You've only got Jason and Alan left to seduce, Trevor, I have to say.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00- I think he's a cracking fella. - We're all...
0:04:00 > 0:04:02LAUGHTER
0:04:04 > 0:04:09So, now I want you to take one of those each,
0:04:09 > 0:04:12and tie yourselves together, as it were.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- This has gone quite dark now. - It has, hasn't it?
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Is it just me? It's like a party game in the '70s.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21So put each one of those around your wrist.
0:04:21 > 0:04:22No, no, don't undo it.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- Well, I can't get my hand through that, can I?- Oh sorry.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27LAUGHTER
0:04:27 > 0:04:29Little cock grab, that is.
0:04:29 > 0:04:33- Try with this one.- Cock ring!- Swap.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- You can give me that one back. - That's more like it.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39There we are. Put your wrists through.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43- That's it, and then do that, so that you're tied together.- OK.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- Yes, is that right?- Is that good?
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Yes, that, without undoing the knots, untie yourselves.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51LAUGHTER
0:04:56 > 0:04:58- Oh, I see.- Don't turn around, don't turn around.
0:04:58 > 0:05:00That hasn't helped.
0:05:02 > 0:05:03LAUGHTER
0:05:03 > 0:05:05DAVID: No!
0:05:10 > 0:05:14- No, that's it, you go through there. - Yes!- Yes!
0:05:14 > 0:05:17No! Emphatically no!
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- Completely not.- OK, hang on.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25I'm going back up, I'm going back over.
0:05:25 > 0:05:26LAUGHTER
0:05:26 > 0:05:28Right, go, go through.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30- Yes!- No!
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Hang on, I've got it, I've got it. Right.
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Right. I've got it. If I do a forward flip...
0:05:42 > 0:05:43Now...
0:05:45 > 0:05:47- SUE:- Right, let's see if we can get...
0:05:48 > 0:05:50Oh, oh.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52I think technically you are now married.
0:05:52 > 0:05:54LAUGHTER
0:05:54 > 0:05:55You have let...
0:05:56 > 0:05:58I'm coming down, I'm coming down.
0:05:59 > 0:06:01You two hold it for a second and watch,
0:06:01 > 0:06:03because I think Sue is onto something.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05OK. This is what we did
0:06:05 > 0:06:07when we were regularly handcuffed together as children.
0:06:07 > 0:06:12No, watch. You mustn't untie the knot. But...
0:06:15 > 0:06:16Oh.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Yeah!
0:06:19 > 0:06:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Well done. Brilliant!
0:06:27 > 0:06:29So, moving on to self knowledge.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31How do you know when you've had enough?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33Someone always tells me.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38It's normally, it's a tap on the shoulder, isn't it?
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Yeah, I think Jimmy, Jimmy...
0:06:39 > 0:06:42That's, it's the cold steel round both wrists.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44LAUGHTER
0:06:44 > 0:06:45And the clanging of the door.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47And the one phone call.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49JIMMY: One phone call.
0:06:49 > 0:06:54I've had enough. Who am I speaking to?
0:06:54 > 0:06:56LAUGHTER
0:06:59 > 0:07:03This is, oh, this is exciting.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05This is a remarkable substance.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09It's called polyethylene oxide, and it's very gloopy
0:07:09 > 0:07:13and also it reacts rather excitedly under ultraviolet light.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16And Alan and Victoria, you've got ultraviolet torches
0:07:16 > 0:07:17and you can point them at it.
0:07:17 > 0:07:20I think we might have some ultraviolet light in the studio.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22- Shall I point them now, sir? - Yes, please do.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23Oh, look. See. Ooh!
0:07:23 > 0:07:25Wow!
0:07:25 > 0:07:27Now what I'm going to try and do, I'm going
0:07:27 > 0:07:31to stand up to do this, it's a very remarkable effect.
0:07:31 > 0:07:36The effect is, when you pour it, if I get it at the right angle,
0:07:36 > 0:07:40it pulls itself out of the flask and into here.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43It flows uphill and out and down again.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44All right.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47There we go, Oh, it's pulling itself up, it's pulling itself up,
0:07:47 > 0:07:50you see what I mean? It's pulling itself up from the bottom.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53If you look at the top one, it's actually flowing uphill there.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Did you see that?
0:07:54 > 0:07:57And then it thins out into a little trail of snot.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59I'll try that again, so we'll just get a few takes.
0:07:59 > 0:08:02It's like when you have a wee after a Berocca, isn't it, that?
0:08:02 > 0:08:04LAUGHTER
0:08:06 > 0:08:07It is!
0:08:07 > 0:08:10It's exactly what it's like. Oh, my goodness.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13It's so disgusting. Polyethylene oxide, I don't know what else...
0:08:13 > 0:08:17- What's it used for?- It's a very good masturbatory lubricant.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18LAUGHTER
0:08:20 > 0:08:23- Particularly in the dark.- Yeah.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25APPLAUSE
0:08:28 > 0:08:31- All right, we'll try again. - It's a little bit awkward
0:08:31 > 0:08:34getting two friends to hold the torch though.
0:08:35 > 0:08:39Yeah. There we go, that's pulling itself up there nicely.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41APPLAUSE
0:08:41 > 0:08:43Thank you.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48On the subject of keeping still, how hard is it to be a nude model?
0:08:50 > 0:08:52LOUD LAUGHTER
0:08:55 > 0:08:58Don't you remember that, Alan?
0:08:58 > 0:09:02- I do not remember that. - Oh, that was a good night.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04It's the woman second from the left who seems to be, er,
0:09:04 > 0:09:06most enjoying the view.
0:09:06 > 0:09:10- The one with the orange scarf. - Was it cold? Were you being...
0:09:10 > 0:09:13She's going to need a bigger pad than that, I tell you that.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19They're all just drawing sections of you, aren't they?
0:09:19 > 0:09:21I'll do the helmet.
0:09:21 > 0:09:22Yeah, oh you're all right there, yeah.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Were you, were you being funny there, or...?
0:09:25 > 0:09:27- That's not really him. - It's Photoshopped.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29- Oh, it's not real? Oh! - No, we cleverly made it up.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30LAUGHTER
0:09:30 > 0:09:32I've got this little test for you. Here we are.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35And with any luck, the audience might have some bubble wrap too.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38They're waving their bubble wrap Thank you, audience.
0:09:38 > 0:09:41Do not pop it. This is a really important exercise.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- What do you mean, don't pop it? - Don't pop it, do not...
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- Ah!- No! No! No! This is really important.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- Why?- OK, OK.- No problem. - Why not though?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51This is a test of your worthiness. Don't pop it yet.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53One of mine's already popped, I didn't do it.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55No, that's all right, as long as you didn't,
0:09:55 > 0:09:58because in 2013, a group of Yale psychologists, they found another
0:09:58 > 0:10:03use for bubble wrap, which was to measure aggression, all right.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06They showed pictures of cute animals, all right.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08SUE SQUEALS
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- Oh now, now, wait, wait, wait. - Oh, the two little chicks...
0:10:11 > 0:10:12- Oooh.- Stop it.
0:10:12 > 0:10:15People were told to pop bubble wrap as they watched.
0:10:15 > 0:10:20They thought that it was a test for their motor activity and memory.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23In fact, it was a test for what's called cute aggression.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26If you see something very cute, you start popping more and more.
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Not because they wanted to hurt the animals, but because they were
0:10:29 > 0:10:32frustrated at not being able to touch them and cuddle them.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34And this is called cute aggression.
0:10:34 > 0:10:37It's when you kind of go, oooh, like that.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39So, audience, hold your bubble wrap,
0:10:39 > 0:10:43we're going to show you some very cute animals and it's all up to you.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Let's start with the cuteness.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47- Oh, dear.- AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:10:47 > 0:10:49- That's not, come on, that's not that cute.- Oh, it is.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- He looks sort of dead. - He's not that cute.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- He's kind of dead.- He's not that cute. I think he's been shot.
0:10:55 > 0:10:56LAUGHTER
0:10:56 > 0:10:57Oh! That's horrible.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00- He does look like he's been shot. - Oh, the blue-eyed one.
0:11:00 > 0:11:05- No, not that cute, not worth a pop. - All right.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Ah.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08THEY ALL POP BUBBLE WRAP
0:11:08 > 0:11:10- You did it!- Definitely.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Yeah, that's getting quite a few pops.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14- Look at his little eye. - No, I'm not gone yet.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16POPPING CONTINUES
0:11:16 > 0:11:18I want a dog and then I'm going to pop my load.
0:11:18 > 0:11:19LAUGHTER
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- That's the first time I've heard that phrase since last night. - Yes, I know.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24- Oh, there we go.- Aw!- AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:11:24 > 0:11:26THEY POP BUBBLE WRAP
0:11:26 > 0:11:28- That's pretty cute.- That was the last one.- Not cute, ginger.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31LAUGHTER
0:11:31 > 0:11:34Now, how can you knock a building down with a feather?
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Like the Shard, for example.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39You could knock it down, I could knock it down,
0:11:39 > 0:11:42if I prepared things correctly, with a whisk of a feather.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45- But not using any electronics. - A very, very large feather.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47No, using, I've actually got the feather here that I'm going to use.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49It's nice and pink, so it stands out.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51That would be the feather I would use.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53Do you tickle the architect while he's doing a,
0:11:53 > 0:11:57coming up with the plans, so that they're all off? Like that.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- And it falls over.- And then they make it, oh, it didn't work,
0:12:00 > 0:12:03well, Stephen was tickling me with a feather.
0:12:03 > 0:12:07A cunning thought, but no, this is the existing, standing Shard.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10And you could reduce that to rubble with a feather?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Yeah. Shall I show you? I'll show you the principle.
0:12:13 > 0:12:17This is my little template to show me where I have to go.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21You see, I've got them down here and here's my big, oh, my big load.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22- Oops.- Steady.
0:12:22 > 0:12:24There we go.
0:12:24 > 0:12:29Now, what we've got here is, in varying sizes, kind of dominos.
0:12:29 > 0:12:30You can see.
0:12:30 > 0:12:35And the idea is that each one is just one-and-a-half times bigger
0:12:35 > 0:12:36than the one before it.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39And it may seem like a very little amount,
0:12:39 > 0:12:41but what we're going to do is make a really loud bang with this.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45- Is that meant to be like the Shard? - Dominos, it's the domino effect.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47- You would aim this at the Shard. - Yes.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49And you would only need 24 of these.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53Each one just one-and-a-half times bigger than the one before it.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55- That's the point. - To bring down the Shard.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59You'd only need 24, and the last one would utterly destroy it.
0:12:59 > 0:13:00- Really?- Blimey.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03It would be, it's the exponential increase of mass,
0:13:03 > 0:13:05just by going one-and-a-half times bigger.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08It's all right, it can only fall, yeah.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11I've got a splinter off my broom now.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13LAUGHTER
0:13:13 > 0:13:15Careful, careful. Right, here we go.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18We've just made the security services' job
0:13:18 > 0:13:21that much more harder, you can bring down the Shard...
0:13:21 > 0:13:22Here we go, so you imagine...
0:13:22 > 0:13:26Who needs to hijack aircraft any more, QI's given it away.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30So you imagine this increasing up to just 24,
0:13:30 > 0:13:33and you'd start with one movement of a feather,
0:13:33 > 0:13:36and all the potential energy stored in these and all
0:13:36 > 0:13:40the mass of them like that, and you just have that effect like, whoa.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42- Wow!- There you go.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:44 > 0:13:45Excellent.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48- That's pretty good, isn't it?- Yeah. - That's brilliant.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51Recent research, however, from the Australian National University
0:13:51 > 0:13:54suggests that good-looking men earn 22% more
0:13:54 > 0:13:55than not good-looking men.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57- Because they're attractive? - Yeah, yes.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59Or because they're from Australia?
0:13:59 > 0:14:02No, no, within Australia, they're all Australian.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Within Australia, the 22 better-looking percentage.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09A study of female golfers also found that they were better,
0:14:09 > 0:14:11they shot lower scores.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14And the theory is that they were more likely to have
0:14:14 > 0:14:18offers of sponsorship, and therefore just played that much harder,
0:14:18 > 0:14:20knowing how much money they would make.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21Surely it's about confidence as well.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24If you look in the mirror and you think, oh-ho-ho, I'm a dish,
0:14:24 > 0:14:27then you get out there and think, and I can play golf.
0:14:27 > 0:14:28Yeah, I suppose that's right.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32- But if you look in the mirror and weep.- And think, what a dog.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34Well, I look in the mirror and I like it.
0:14:34 > 0:14:35And so you bloody well should.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38I never look in a mirror, my partner's much taller than me
0:14:38 > 0:14:40and she put them all up, so I have never seen...
0:14:40 > 0:14:42LAUGHTER
0:14:42 > 0:14:45I don't have mirrors, I have windows at street level
0:14:45 > 0:14:47and I just pretend I'm different people.
0:14:47 > 0:14:48LAUGHTER
0:14:48 > 0:14:52I just walk past at the same time and go, I'm looking good today.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Best get out to that meeting quick, while I've got that nice suit on.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Oh, dear.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01And then I realise I'm wearing a bin bag.
0:15:03 > 0:15:07Now we have a Knick-Knack exploding custard powder experiment.
0:15:07 > 0:15:10For something to explode, you need certain things,
0:15:10 > 0:15:14you need something to light, in this case custard powder.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17You need something to light it with and you need oxygen.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20But you need a little bit more than that,
0:15:20 > 0:15:24because if I try and light this custard powder, you will see...
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Boof!
0:15:26 > 0:15:27LAUGHTER
0:15:27 > 0:15:31- ..That nothing happens. - The trick custard powder, ha-ha-ha!
0:15:31 > 0:15:33I blew his arm off! Ha-ha-ha.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36It doesn't, the whole point is, nothing happens.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Nothing would happen to that, it's custard, you fool.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42- I bet Heston could make it burn. - Ah. He couldn't in this state.- No?
0:15:42 > 0:15:46What you need, in order to get something like custard,
0:15:46 > 0:15:50or any powder, even metallic powder, to burn and really burn,
0:15:50 > 0:15:53is one of these ordinary everyday objects like this.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57As you may see, I have a funnel
0:15:57 > 0:16:01and I have some safety glasses,
0:16:01 > 0:16:03to save my beautiful eye lashes.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07And I have a lighter.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08I miss Jacques Cousteau.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13And I have a pump.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15HE MIMICS BREATHING UNDERWATER
0:16:15 > 0:16:17I have a pump that rather wants to fall over.
0:16:17 > 0:16:20So we'll just raise this here. So it doesn't fall over.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23OK, now.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25LAUGHTER
0:16:25 > 0:16:26What I'm going to do...
0:16:26 > 0:16:29I don't want to know what you're going to do!
0:16:29 > 0:16:31What I'm going to do is
0:16:31 > 0:16:35I'm going to pour the custard powder in this funnel.
0:16:35 > 0:16:39And I'm going to, I'm going to present a flame across it.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42- ALAN GASPS - Yes. Yes. Be afraid, be very afraid.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Can I use Alan as a human shield?
0:16:45 > 0:16:47No, you, you're the shield, you're new!
0:16:51 > 0:16:52Oh, my God!
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Oh, ho-ho-ho!
0:16:54 > 0:16:57There's flame, there's custard powder in there.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59I feel the need! The need for speed!
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- All I need to do... - Where are you going?!
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Why the fuck am I next to it?!
0:17:04 > 0:17:05I'm going to the pump.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10I'm just going to the pump, because I'm going to pump...
0:17:10 > 0:17:11We are now nearer than you!
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Can you see what I'm going to do? I'm pumping air...
0:17:14 > 0:17:18There's just too many double entendres, you pumping custard.
0:17:19 > 0:17:22Stop it. Are your ready for me to pump the custard?!
0:17:22 > 0:17:24Oh, my God, don't do it!
0:17:24 > 0:17:26LAUGHTER
0:17:27 > 0:17:29All right.
0:17:31 > 0:17:32Oh, God!
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Yes, I'm ready for you to pump your custard.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37I need a countdown from the audience.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40This is not how I wanted to go, I've got to be honest.
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Audience, I want you to count me down from three...
0:17:43 > 0:17:46AUDIENCE: Three, two, one... Go!
0:17:46 > 0:17:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Wasn't that dangerous?!
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Well, I've got, it's quite warm there actually.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58- There's...- Can you feel the heat? - Yeah, I can feel the heat.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01If I'd been sitting there, I could have been,
0:18:01 > 0:18:03I could have been ignited.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06You could have been covered in hot custard.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- Nobody knows what colour petrol is. - Well quite, exactly.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Because it goes into your car and you don't see it.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- That's right.- It could be any colour. - And no-one has ever checked.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Nobody's ever gone, what colour is this?
0:18:20 > 0:18:22They used to have pink or blue diesel, didn't they, for farmers.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24- Yeah, red diesel.- For farmers.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Which you are not allowed to put in your car, and I don't.
0:18:27 > 0:18:28No. Quite right.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32Evading tax, Jeremy, it's a slippery slope!
0:18:32 > 0:18:34All right, now.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:37 > 0:18:38Just saying.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42There's various people who were given the title of
0:18:42 > 0:18:45"the last man to know everything there was to know."
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Erasmus, Leibnitz, Von Humboldt, and this man here, Kircher, his name is.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52He was a German Jesuit, Athanasius Kircher.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54And he certainly was very interested in lots of things,
0:18:54 > 0:18:58he was lowered into Vesuvius, he believed the Bubonic plague
0:18:58 > 0:19:01was caused by microbes, well ahead of germ theory.
0:19:01 > 0:19:04Claimed falsely to have interpreted Egyptian hieroglyphics.
0:19:04 > 0:19:05He regarded things like magnetism
0:19:05 > 0:19:08and love as branches of the same topic, attraction,
0:19:08 > 0:19:11which is a very QI way of looking at things, I like that.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14- Yeah, yeah.- But the cats though, what are the cats doing?
0:19:14 > 0:19:16Well, we'll come to that. Some things he got right.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19He denied the possibility of flying tortoises.
0:19:19 > 0:19:20LAUGHTER
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I don't know who'd raised the possibility,
0:19:22 > 0:19:24but he damn well squashed it and said, no,
0:19:24 > 0:19:27- there won't be such a thing as a flying tortoise.- Rubbish.
0:19:27 > 0:19:31But he did invent the megaphone, and the Katzenklavier.
0:19:31 > 0:19:35Klavier is in fact German for key, from Klaven, Latin, key,
0:19:35 > 0:19:37but it's a keyboard instrument.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40Key. The cat playing the piano, he invented YouTube.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41LAUGHTER
0:19:41 > 0:19:42I'm afraid for cat-lovers
0:19:42 > 0:19:44it's a little bit more disturbing than that.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46Oh, cat string, gut string.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49No, not cat gut, no, arrange live cats in the right order,
0:19:49 > 0:19:50- according to their voice.- Oh.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- And you play...- Drums. - And there you go.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Oh, brilliant.
0:19:55 > 0:20:00- Oh.- That's awesome! Oh if only they had YouTube back then.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02LAUGHTER
0:20:02 > 0:20:03The outrage on the cat's face.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05It's another thing for your list, isn't it?
0:20:05 > 0:20:08It's on the list. Yes, right up there. Ho-ho.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10You've got to get one of those.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Their tails are fixed in place underneath hammers.
0:20:12 > 0:20:15When a key is pressed, the hammer hits the corresponding,
0:20:15 > 0:20:17you can even get chords and of course there's dynamics.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- The harder you hit, it the more of a yowl. - ALAN MEOWS
0:20:20 > 0:20:22It wouldn't necessarily have to be cruel, you could get the same
0:20:22 > 0:20:25mechanism, but just have it sort of tickle the bollocks of a cat.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28So it's more like, "meow!" As opposed to, "MEOWWW!"
0:20:28 > 0:20:29- For a trill.- Yeah.
0:20:29 > 0:20:33HE MEOWS THE DOGGY IN THE WINDOW
0:20:33 > 0:20:36What do they think, that you have an A cat and a B cat?
0:20:36 > 0:20:38- Yeah.- And a C cat? - I guess you just go round.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39- Fantastic.- Yeah. Fantastic.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43But there are only six cats and there are more than six keys, so...
0:20:43 > 0:20:45Well, that's true, that's a limited range, it's very...
0:20:45 > 0:20:48- Experimental music. - Experimental music.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50All the other keys hit mice inside the box.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52Ah, very good.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Look at this. Phil, I've got this.
0:20:54 > 0:20:57- Ooh!- Wow, Christmas party!- Yeah.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59- Snow balls.- Yeah. Absolutely. - Oh, I'll have some of that!
0:20:59 > 0:21:02It's going to be quite a violent reaction to this.
0:21:02 > 0:21:04I'm sure you've all seen dry ice as they call it. And I've got here,
0:21:04 > 0:21:06this is sort of bubbles, you blow...
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- I don't know where that's going... - Blow bubbles.
0:21:08 > 0:21:12So what we're trying to do is make little, little smoky bubbles.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14It's a little sort of Christmassy effect, here,
0:21:14 > 0:21:16God, I hope I can get the lid on in time.
0:21:16 > 0:21:19YELPING AND LAUGHING
0:21:19 > 0:21:21- Woo!- Get down there.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Woo, hey, yeah, woo!
0:21:23 > 0:21:25What are you doing, Fry?! Get the lid on.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- No! No!- Get the lid on!
0:21:27 > 0:21:29PHIL YELPS
0:21:29 > 0:21:31Lid, lid! Lid is on, lid is on! Lid is on.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33It's going everywhere!
0:21:33 > 0:21:35LAUGHTER
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Bubbles. Here are my little bubbles.
0:21:38 > 0:21:43- Oh, oh!- There's one, look, big one! Pop it. Ping!
0:21:43 > 0:21:45- Ooh!- Smokey bubble.- Ah.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47- Smokey bubble!- Oh, oh!
0:21:47 > 0:21:48- Smokey bubble!- Oh!
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Smokey bubble!
0:21:50 > 0:21:52APPLAUSE
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- Oh, you've really got it going now. - There we are.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58I've gone completely reflective.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Oh, there you are. Look, you've made a bauble.
0:22:01 > 0:22:02Look at that.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05You've made a bauble, because your little experiment,
0:22:05 > 0:22:08invented by Mr Tollens, one of the things
0:22:08 > 0:22:12he used was silver nitrate, the same thing used in film photography.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- And that is silver.- Wow.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16You've got a beautiful silver bauble that you've made
0:22:16 > 0:22:18just by mixing those two chemicals.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Can I just say, I've just seen myself, I didn't realise that
0:22:21 > 0:22:24I look like Last Christmas by Weight Watcher's Wham.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26LAUGHTER
0:22:26 > 0:22:30There's one man in micromort who we don't know is Yasuhiro Kubo.
0:22:30 > 0:22:34He is a Japanese sky diver, who jumps out of a plane without
0:22:34 > 0:22:38a parachute, and then collects it from a partner on the way down.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41And we don't know his micromort, because he's still alive,
0:22:41 > 0:22:45and it may be that he'll do 4,000 jumps and then die.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47Be a good dumb show, you could see if he,
0:22:47 > 0:22:51if you see them falling and then he goes over to the bloke who's
0:22:51 > 0:22:54got the parachute, and you see the bloke going...
0:22:56 > 0:22:57LAUGHTER
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- I knew there was something.- Yeah.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01HE MIMES SPEECH
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Oh, that is so distressing. Anyway...
0:23:07 > 0:23:09LAUGHTER
0:23:09 > 0:23:12I'll show you this little thing here.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15And what's strange about this is that I can spin it one way,
0:23:15 > 0:23:16but not the other.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19If I spin it anticlockwise, it goes very happily anticlockwise.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22But if I try and spin it clockwise, it not only will resist,
0:23:22 > 0:23:24it will stop and spin anticlockwise. As you'll see.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26So I'm now going to try and spin it clockwise.
0:23:26 > 0:23:28Is it because of the shape, the particular shape?
0:23:28 > 0:23:31- You'll see, well that obviously is the reason, yes.- Yeah.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- You're twisting its melons, man. - Then it goes round again.- Yeah.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36So...
0:23:36 > 0:23:38And then round and round and round again.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41- That's extraordinary, isn't it? - I know, it is very mysterious.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43You've got to have the right flick of the wrist,
0:23:43 > 0:23:45which you're clearly very good at, Stephen, which is good.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50- What if you did a murder with your reflex?- It does happen.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53If someone sort of attacked your knee and then the reflex,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56you had a knife attached to your shoe or something.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57You broke their neck.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59And you killed them, would you be able to say,
0:23:59 > 0:24:01ah, but the reflex, it didn't go to my brain, it
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- only went to the bottom of my spine, so I didn't really do it.- Yes.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06But it does happen if you're driving,
0:24:06 > 0:24:09you have an automated response called murder by autometer.
0:24:09 > 0:24:10You don't go to prison.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12If you sneeze, for instance, and then you run someone over...
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- Someone sneezed, literally.- Yeah.
0:24:14 > 0:24:15LAUGHTER
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Literally at that moment. Talk about a reflex!
0:24:17 > 0:24:20- That means there's been a murder! - There's a killer!
0:24:20 > 0:24:21LAUGHTER
0:24:21 > 0:24:23They've just murdered someone.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26- Now they know they'll get away with it.- Wow.
0:24:26 > 0:24:27- It's something like...- The SE1...
0:24:27 > 0:24:30So if I walk into a room with a gun cocked, sneeze, it goes off,
0:24:30 > 0:24:32you kill someone, you're in the clear?
0:24:32 > 0:24:35So, if you want to kill your wife, what you do is,
0:24:35 > 0:24:38you drive down to Dover, you get her right up against a cliff.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41You put your leg behind her and then get a doctor to tap her knee.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43- Off she goes. - That I'm afraid would...
0:24:43 > 0:24:44And the doctor would go to prison.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47- The doctor would go to prison. - I think so.- And you.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50What if he was sneezing as he tapped her knee? Yes!
0:24:50 > 0:24:53- The perfect crime.- Yeah.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57Broadchurch series two sorted.
0:24:57 > 0:24:58LAUGHTER
0:24:58 > 0:25:01What I'm going to do is, I've got three bricks here.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03STEPHEN WHIMPERS
0:25:03 > 0:25:06And it is, ah.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09It's like the first ever game of Jenga.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13It is. All right, OK. Yeah. Oh, God.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16I have to focus my energy.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18I know, it's, all right, it sounds...
0:25:18 > 0:25:21But I have to focus, have to go through, I have to...
0:25:21 > 0:25:23Oh, God.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24I'm so nervous now.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28APPLAUSE
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Didn't get them all.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Last time I got them all.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44OK. But, even more... Oh, I've got another one.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46Another load here and this time, in theory...
0:25:46 > 0:25:48You're going to do it with your penis.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50LAUGHTER
0:25:50 > 0:25:52In theory here, ow.
0:25:55 > 0:25:56STEPHEN MOANS
0:25:56 > 0:25:58So choose top middle or bottom?
0:25:58 > 0:26:01- Middle.- Oh, no.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04- OK. I'll try and break just the middle then.- Top.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06I'll bet you Chuck Norris is crapping himself.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08LAUGHTER
0:26:08 > 0:26:10I'm going to try and break just the middle one.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13Again, this takes extreme focus and extreme pain.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16Go through.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- I just don't want to do this. - You don't want to do it again.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:29 > 0:26:33That was a good one. Oh, thank you very much indeed.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34Thank you.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38Has your crown slipped?
0:26:38 > 0:26:42Yeah, it's, look, it's done that, you see, that's a... Like that.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43It's a medieval torture.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47Yeah, this is what they put round royal dogs to stop them
0:26:47 > 0:26:48nibbling their stitches.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Imagine the crown maker...
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- Has your head lost weight? - Yes, it has, yes. Yeah.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58You've lost even more hair than when we started, sorry.
0:26:58 > 0:26:59- That's right.- That's very unfair.
0:26:59 > 0:27:03- Yes, I do apologise. It's just... - You're welcome to take it off.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- We're going to need a bigger king. - You can abdicate.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07LAUGHTER
0:27:07 > 0:27:10- No, that's going to hurt. - Shall I...?- Just, no!
0:27:10 > 0:27:13- It's like watching a two-year-old take their clothes off.- How's that?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15Bill, try and get it down the other way.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17Shall I try and go through it?
0:27:17 > 0:27:19Yeah, try and go through it. I think this is...
0:27:19 > 0:27:21LAUGHTER
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Come on, Bill.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:27 > 0:27:30And that's the last we ever saw of him.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32That's not good, that's not a good look.
0:27:32 > 0:27:34LAUGHTER
0:27:34 > 0:27:36I was thinking of Zoidberg from Futurama.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39You honestly, you look fine. You look fine.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41That's so like something out of Lord of the Rings now.
0:27:41 > 0:27:43- It's a great look. - Even more than ever.
0:27:43 > 0:27:47I'm going to wear, I'm going to put this as my passport photo.
0:27:47 > 0:27:48What do you do?
0:27:48 > 0:27:50I'm a fighting king, what do you want?
0:27:52 > 0:27:55And now it's time for one of my Knick-Knacks.
0:27:55 > 0:27:57Crikey, how did that get there?!
0:27:57 > 0:27:59LAUGHTER
0:28:01 > 0:28:03APPLAUSE
0:28:06 > 0:28:08I'm going to demonstrate...
0:28:08 > 0:28:11- What a marvellous outing for the word "crikey."- Yes.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14I'm going to demonstrate to you how a chain reaction takes place.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Imagine these are little atoms,
0:28:16 > 0:28:22and what I have is a series of mouse trap, ow, mouse traps.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24Used for obviously killing mice!
0:28:24 > 0:28:25HE YELPS
0:28:25 > 0:28:30And fortunately no mice will be harmed in this experiment.
0:28:30 > 0:28:34All you will see is the spectacular sight of random and explosive
0:28:34 > 0:28:38chain reaction caused by one atom touching another,
0:28:38 > 0:28:39which are all in...
0:28:39 > 0:28:41Ball number 16, the eighth appearance this year.
0:28:41 > 0:28:44Yes. So are you ready?
0:28:44 > 0:28:46- Yes.- Here we go.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:52 > 0:28:55JASON: All that, all that for three seconds.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59It's a lot of effort for the money.
0:29:01 > 0:29:02Good night.