0:00:25 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Goo-oo-oo-oo-ood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:37 > 0:00:39good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:39 > 0:00:42good evening, good evening, good evening, and welcome to QI,
0:00:42 > 0:00:46where tonight we're cantering through the whole kit and caboodle.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48It's a catch-all that can cover anything and anyone,
0:00:48 > 0:00:53including the wild expanse of Ross Noble.
0:00:53 > 0:00:56CHEERING
0:00:58 > 0:01:02The far reaches of Noel Fielding.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04CHEERING
0:01:07 > 0:01:09The sweeping vistas of Colin Lane.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11CHEERING
0:01:14 > 0:01:18And the frozen wastes of Alan Davies.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21CHEERING
0:01:24 > 0:01:28So, catch my attention if you can. Ross goes:
0:01:28 > 0:01:31SCHOOL BELL RINGS
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Noel goes:
0:01:33 > 0:01:35TRAIN HORN
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Colin goes:
0:01:36 > 0:01:38WIBBLE WOBBLE
0:01:38 > 0:01:39LAUGHING
0:01:39 > 0:01:41And Alan goes:
0:01:41 > 0:01:44MAN'S VOICE: Stephen, Stephen! I want some points!
0:01:44 > 0:01:45LAUGHTER
0:01:45 > 0:01:49Now, in case anybody's wondering, because he hasn't done that
0:01:49 > 0:01:52much television in Britain, we found Colin in Australia.
0:01:52 > 0:01:57- Colin, in 1994, you won the Perrier Award, didn't you?- Yes.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00- For comedy at the Edinburgh Fringe. - Yes.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02Which is an incredibly distinguished award to win, as...
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- HE COUGHS - ..I know.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06And, no, ignore that.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09- But you haven't won the Perrier Award, Stephen? - Yes, I did win it, yes.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13- Oh, you did? - I was the... My group was the first to win it, ever.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14- Yeah.- The first? - As it happens, yeah.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17But I wonder who you beat in 1994? Who came second or third?
0:02:17 > 0:02:19There were a few other nominees.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22- Yeah, who were the other nominees? - Er... Um..
0:02:22 > 0:02:26I think the main competition came from a little fellow....
0:02:26 > 0:02:28ALAN YAWNS
0:02:28 > 0:02:30- ..his name was Alan Davies. - Alan Davies.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32- Oh, no, whatever.- Yes.- Oh.
0:02:32 > 0:02:33Alan Davies, yes. Yes.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Then I went to Melbourne and I stayed at Colin's house
0:02:35 > 0:02:38and he'd put the Perrier Award on the bedside table!
0:02:45 > 0:02:48He said he had to look for it, he had to look in the loft for it.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51And the Perrier Award, Alan, was a...
0:02:51 > 0:02:54In case you want to know what it looks like.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58Was like a piece of wood with like a silver Perrier bottle on top,
0:02:58 > 0:02:59with a little cap on it,
0:02:59 > 0:03:03that kind of just fell off a couple of days after we got it.
0:03:03 > 0:03:07And the award for Best Newcomer, was a lovely...
0:03:08 > 0:03:10- Really, you?- Did you?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13- That was you?- Did you win it? Yeah! - That was you!
0:03:18 > 0:03:21It's a better trophy, isn't it? It's like a sort of big cube.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23It's a much better, it's like an oblong Perspex.
0:03:23 > 0:03:24Yeah, like a Star Trek thing.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28With the shape of a Perrier bottle made out of bubbles inside it,
0:03:28 > 0:03:30it's really, it's really, really nice.
0:03:30 > 0:03:31I gave it to my mum, yeah.
0:03:33 > 0:03:37Anyway, that's enough inspecting our own bottoms, it's embarrassing.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40So, suggest, if you may,
0:03:40 > 0:03:43some uses of kitty litter that don't involve a kitty.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Aaah. There's a kitty. I've got some kitty litter here.
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Anyone could use it for absorbing their urine, couldn't they?
0:03:50 > 0:03:52Well you could use it in the same way that a kitty would use it,
0:03:52 > 0:03:54yeah, because it does soak up liquid.
0:03:54 > 0:03:58Can you - when you drop your phone in the loo - you're supposed to put it in a tub
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- of rice to get the moisture out. - Indeed. - Can you do that with cat litter?
0:04:01 > 0:04:04There's an episode of Elementary which is based on that very fact.
0:04:04 > 0:04:07There's an episode of Jonathan Creek where I wee'd in some cat litter.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10I say "I"- the character Jonathan.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Let's work backwards as to how that could possibly be a plot line
0:04:14 > 0:04:16that you pee'd in cat litter.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19I just got trapped in the cellar for ages and I needed a wee.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Oh, I see, well that's fair enough.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24When you're at school, when people throw up, don't they put cat,
0:04:24 > 0:04:28- I don't know...- Sawdust.- That's a good thing to do.- Ah.- That, exactly, anything like that.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30We used to have a sort of weird brown sand.
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Yeah, and they say, "There's nothing to see here,"
0:04:32 > 0:04:34but there is, isn't there?
0:04:34 > 0:04:35Yes, there really is.
0:04:35 > 0:04:38- It's a really good spectacle. - There's a lot to see there.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39There's a lot to see.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Also they would draw a chalk line round it, like it had died.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Yes. The scene of a body.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47The skill was to make it in the shape of a dead body.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Make it look like a mammal.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52Oh, look, a racoon has died in the playground.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55It's always a bit of fun to put it in a sugar bowl,
0:04:55 > 0:04:59so that when somebody adds it to their tea, just, phoom, tea's gone.
0:05:02 > 0:05:05Probably the most profitable use, bizarrely,
0:05:05 > 0:05:07was by the American tobacco industry.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Can you imagine why that might be?
0:05:09 > 0:05:11There's a tax on tobacco, obviously, there was
0:05:11 > 0:05:14a tax on small cigars and American tobacco companies...
0:05:14 > 0:05:15Filters, in filters?
0:05:15 > 0:05:19They bulked-up their small cigars to become big cigars...
0:05:19 > 0:05:20..using, amongst
0:05:20 > 0:05:23other things, the ingredients of cat litter, which is disgusting.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27That's a big cigar.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29No, I think that's someone's leg! She's just eaten someone.
0:05:29 > 0:05:32That is enormous.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34I think they've bulked that one up too much.
0:05:34 > 0:05:39That's a normal-sized cigar, I think, but she's just a very small woman.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42They apparently reduced their tax take on tobacco by over
0:05:42 > 0:05:47a billion this way, by bumping small cigars into the big-cigar category.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51But unfortunately a lot of cats leapt up and wee'd on their faces.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54"I'm going to celebrate the deal. Aaaah."
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Why did they choose kitty litter as the filling?
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Oh, it was because it's a kind of neutral stuff that burns,
0:06:01 > 0:06:04that doesn't really taste of anything unpleasant,
0:06:04 > 0:06:05- and is cheap and isn't tobacco. - It burns?
0:06:05 > 0:06:08- So it doesn't have a tax on it. - What about just some soil, maybe?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10That would be cheaper than kitty litter.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12The trouble with soil is, it wouldn't burn
0:06:12 > 0:06:16- and it would taste unpleasant. - What about air?
0:06:16 > 0:06:18- Just a foot pump. - Yeah.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21Or better still, some helium, so that you can just have your cigar
0:06:21 > 0:06:24and you don't have to hold it, you just take your hand away and it just
0:06:24 > 0:06:28floats there like that, and then you can just go back to it and go...
0:06:29 > 0:06:30And then you go...
0:06:30 > 0:06:33HIGH VOICE: "This is a lovely cigar.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35"It's enormous!"
0:06:35 > 0:06:38So it's highly flammable, so basically, if a kitten...
0:06:38 > 0:06:41It's not highly flammable. You can just burn it, like tobacco.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44It doesn't go, whoomf!
0:06:45 > 0:06:49You can put a cup full of litter in a pair of tights, bear with me,
0:06:49 > 0:06:55tie off the top and leave it in your shoes overnight for freshness.
0:06:55 > 0:06:58There's a hint, yes, audience going "ooh!"
0:06:58 > 0:07:00Someone's going to try that in the audience.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- Someone's got a teenage son with smelly... - GEORDIE ACCENT:- ..trainers.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- "Trainers?"- Is that what went wrong... "Trainers."
0:07:06 > 0:07:10- Ross? "What are you doing to me? I said "trainers."- Trainers.
0:07:10 > 0:07:14Oh, yeah, he's laughing now, any minute now I'll go...
0:07:14 > 0:07:16So when you see the male ballet dancers in their tights,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19is that what the, is that what's down the front there?
0:07:19 > 0:07:20Absolutely. Yeah.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24When they're lifting, they'll go, "Hmm, fresh. Fresh."
0:07:24 > 0:07:26"Go on love, smell that, eat your dinner off that."
0:07:29 > 0:07:32Yeah, the point is, the last thing that kitty litter needs is
0:07:32 > 0:07:34a kitty, really, you can use it for so many other things.
0:07:34 > 0:07:38Name the product which put Kendal on the map.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40ALL: Ah, oh, aaah...
0:07:44 > 0:07:47- I'm being pointed at. - Let's do it one letter at a time.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49- Yeah. - M...
0:07:49 > 0:07:52I just I love saying that word as well. Those words together.
0:07:52 > 0:07:53- Do you? - Yeah.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55I have no idea what you're talking about.
0:07:55 > 0:07:58You're the only one who doesn't, we're all desperate to say it.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- Kendal Mint Cake.- What?
0:08:00 > 0:08:02- KLAXON BLARES - Oh, that's so unfair!
0:08:02 > 0:08:04There is a mint cake which went up Everest for the first,
0:08:04 > 0:08:07the conquering of Everest, and Scott took on the...
0:08:07 > 0:08:10- High sugar, for giving you energy when you're up a mountain. - It's rather delicious.
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- I see.- But it's not what put Kendal on the map, as it were.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16Kendal became famous for another product.
0:08:16 > 0:08:19And it's actually extraordinary, it's a machine that was built
0:08:19 > 0:08:25in 1750, and is possibly the oldest still working machine in the world.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28It's still producing the same stuff now.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32It was actually built to make gunpowder,
0:08:32 > 0:08:37but quite early on in its life, it was schlepped down to Kendal by ass
0:08:37 > 0:08:42or donkey, and then started to make what it still makes to this day.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44Which is of the same consistency as gunpowder.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- Sherbet Dip. - Sherbet Dip!
0:08:47 > 0:08:50That map's only of any use really if you're going, driving to Kendal.
0:08:50 > 0:08:54If you're, it is, exactly. You're absolutely right.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57- It's not much use for anything else. - It's for walking.
0:08:57 > 0:08:58And even then it's pretty vague.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01I used to sell those maps and people would come in and they'd go,
0:09:01 > 0:09:04"I'm going to Birmingham," and I'd go, "No, you can't."
0:09:04 > 0:09:06- "Yeah, I've only got a Kendal map." - Do you use it in the home?
0:09:06 > 0:09:08We nowadays very rarely use it.
0:09:08 > 0:09:13It was the most popular form of delivery of this drug,
0:09:13 > 0:09:15up until about 1900.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16Nicotine?
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Nicotine is the right answer. How was nicotine most delivered?
0:09:19 > 0:09:21- Snuff.- Snuff.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23Kendal has a snuff mill that has been going
0:09:23 > 0:09:28- since 1750 and still produces snuff. - Ah, the old Kendal snuff mill.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- The old Kendal snuff mill. - I think I knew that.- Exactly.
0:09:31 > 0:09:34I have some snuff for you to try, in different flavours.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37You can see whether the lid is lying or not.
0:09:37 > 0:09:38Arrgh!
0:09:38 > 0:09:41In special QI lids. You can take it if you want.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44- You obviously inhale it up the nose. - You do it all, right?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46Oh!
0:09:46 > 0:09:47You're going to spill...
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Don't do it all, no. It's very sharp.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52It is, it's sharp.
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Nothing. Nothing.
0:09:58 > 0:10:03Oh really! No!
0:10:03 > 0:10:05Nothing.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07- Oh, you're licking it. - Woooooo!
0:10:07 > 0:10:11On the gums. Oh, a moustache. It is quite sharp.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14You've had a go. What's your flavour saying, Alan?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16The only time... it says Christmas pudding.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18You've got Christmas pudding.
0:10:18 > 0:10:22The only time I've had a...
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Ross Noble!
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Honestly, it's fine, it's good, put it in your eyes.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29It's good.
0:10:31 > 0:10:34This is probably the only time my nan's going to watch me
0:10:34 > 0:10:36on telly and I'll be like that the whole show.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39What do you reckon, Colin?
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Oh, that is the... the flavour says "kitty litter."
0:10:43 > 0:10:46Ah-ha-ha.
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- That is awful! - You're not a fan?
0:10:49 > 0:10:52- I'm not a fan. It says "champagne." - Yeah, they're different.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54There are so many, I mean hundreds,
0:10:54 > 0:10:57- thousands of different flavours or sorts, as they're called.- Ugh!
0:10:57 > 0:10:59What does yours say on the lid, Noel?
0:10:59 > 0:11:01- What flavour?- Yeah.- Jealousy.
0:11:03 > 0:11:05- By Calvin Klein. - Whisky and honey.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- Whisky and honey. Does it taste...? Yours, Ross?- No, not really.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10- When you've come down? - I can't see!
0:11:11 > 0:11:14I couldn't see anything.
0:11:14 > 0:11:16- Noel will read it to you. - Who's talking to me?!
0:11:18 > 0:11:22- Your flavour's madness. - It says "peanut butter"!
0:11:22 > 0:11:25- No, it says "Perrier". - Oh, does it? Arrgh!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Ah, Perrier smells of victory.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36The problem is, it makes your snot brown,
0:11:36 > 0:11:39so there are snuff handkerchiefs which are brown silk
0:11:39 > 0:11:42handkerchiefs or dark coloured silk handkerchiefs.
0:11:42 > 0:11:45But that will, really, you'll see, you'll get a...
0:11:45 > 0:11:48It'll look as if you've wiped your arse, I'm afraid.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50Ugh!
0:11:51 > 0:11:54That, from here, looks like the Turin Shroud.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59I can see the face of our Lord! You're right!
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Even though you know it's snuff, you're like, "Urggh!"
0:12:06 > 0:12:08- Even though, exactly. - "He's shat in his hanky!"
0:12:09 > 0:12:11Even though they know.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16Aaarggh!
0:12:16 > 0:12:19It's like your eyeball comes out in the wet wipe.
0:12:19 > 0:12:20It's fine.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24What are the advantages, if one can put it that way, of taking snuff instead of smoking?
0:12:24 > 0:12:25Sorry.
0:12:25 > 0:12:29- Well there's no smoky stinkiness. - Yeah, that you... - It's very self-contained.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31Lung cancer, emphysema, heart disease are unlikely.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- Not bothering other people. - It doesn't bother other people.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- It doesn't make your clothes smell. - It could be perfumed.
0:12:37 > 0:12:40- But it will rot inside your nose, sinuses and... - Nasopharyngeal...
0:12:40 > 0:12:44- NASAL VOICE: "It affects the way you talk as well, Stephen." - Yeah, well there is that.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47It does slightly increase your chances of nasopharyngeal
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- cancer, but only slightly. - Oh great, thanks very much(!)
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Not one pinch, I promise.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55It is, of course, necessary for me at this point not to
0:12:55 > 0:12:57recommend snuff, or any other tobacco products.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59Is that Little Mix?
0:13:02 > 0:13:06I don't want to alarm anyone, but the one at the top left is me.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11It is! Oh, my goodness.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24There's no doubting it. Anyway, s'nuff said about Kendal.
0:13:24 > 0:13:29Why isn't the tiny woman in your snuff box wearing any pants?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32There's a picture in the lid of your snuff box.
0:13:32 > 0:13:36Wow! I think the snuff's kicked in.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39- I've only got a head shot. - Well it's only a head shot.
0:13:39 > 0:13:40I don't know what she's wearing.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42But as it happens, she wouldn't be wearing any pants.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- I've got a full, a full... - Have you?
0:13:44 > 0:13:45- No.- You liar.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I've taken her face and arranged the snuff
0:13:48 > 0:13:50so it looks like she's a bearded lady.
0:13:50 > 0:13:54- Like that magnetic thing with the iron filings.- Yeah, yeah.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- I used to love that. - Pants as in undergarments? Those sort of pants?
0:13:57 > 0:14:00Well it's a woman who was probably you could regard as almost
0:14:00 > 0:14:02the first celebrity, in a strange sort of way.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05In as much as she wasn't an aristocrat, a politician,
0:14:05 > 0:14:10an artist, a warrior, she had no accomplishment whatsoever.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Katie Price.
0:14:12 > 0:14:13Basically, she was...
0:14:14 > 0:14:16That's quite extraordinary.
0:14:19 > 0:14:24She was an 18th-century courtesan, which is not a word we use any more.
0:14:24 > 0:14:28So she really rose to fame in the mid 18th century,
0:14:28 > 0:14:31when she fell off her horse in St James's Park,
0:14:31 > 0:14:33and it was revealed to the astonished onlookers...
0:14:33 > 0:14:35She was going commando.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37She was going commando, she had no underwear.
0:14:37 > 0:14:40There is a picture, which is slightly overdone,
0:14:40 > 0:14:41but it's an example of how famous...
0:14:41 > 0:14:44Slightly missing the crucial aspects as well.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Yeah, exactly, somewhat.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49- That's what going commando is? No pants?- No pants.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51Yeah.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- Kitty Fisher, for such was her name. - Kitty Fisher?
0:14:53 > 0:14:58Kitty Fisher. She went commando, and she exploited it enormously.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01And there were snuff boxes produced with pictures of her in them, and...
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Muff boxes?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Well, ah, ah, and...
0:15:05 > 0:15:07- Just for her. - And there were watches.
0:15:07 > 0:15:11Called montres lubriques, lubricous watches, which used
0:15:11 > 0:15:14the clockwork to show her doing rather pornographical things, in
0:15:14 > 0:15:17a sort of like a sort of automaton kind of thing, a little movement.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Oh, God, you wouldn't want the grandfather clock with
0:15:19 > 0:15:21a pendulum version, would you?
0:15:21 > 0:15:27No, you certainly wouldn't. She, she led a sensationally dissolute...
0:15:27 > 0:15:28I don't even know why that's funny.
0:15:28 > 0:15:30No, but it is. We'll just sort of imagine.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33- Just don't over-think it.- No. - That's my approach to life.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35Her life was sensationally dissolute.
0:15:35 > 0:15:40Casanova describes a moment when she ate a 1,000 guinea note,
0:15:40 > 0:15:41with butter spread on it.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45- And 1,000 guineas in those days could buy you, you know, an estate. - The kingdom of...
0:15:45 > 0:15:48It could buy a country house with servants and,
0:15:48 > 0:15:50- I mean it's staggering. - So, she was an idiot.
0:15:50 > 0:15:55She, well... Just incredibly carefree, I suppose you'd describe that.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57She had portraits painted of her by Reynolds,
0:15:57 > 0:16:00the great portraitist of his day, and she, apparently...
0:16:00 > 0:16:02The one in the middle doesn't really look like her.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04No that, no, that...
0:16:04 > 0:16:06The one in the middle looks like Alan Sugar.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10These are, these are...
0:16:10 > 0:16:14IMITATES ALAN SUGAR: "I started with nothing! I had a van."
0:16:14 > 0:16:18"I have taken, I've taken my wealth and I've swallowed it.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20"And I'll tell you what, you're going to get down on your knees
0:16:20 > 0:16:23"and you're going to wait for that note to come out."
0:16:23 > 0:16:24Is that why she didn't have the knickers on?
0:16:24 > 0:16:28She was waiting for the, she was just waiting for, that's all it was.
0:16:28 > 0:16:29- People thought she was... - Oh!
0:16:29 > 0:16:31There it is! There it is!
0:16:31 > 0:16:34Here it comes, I can see the Queen's face!
0:16:34 > 0:16:37- Oh, it's gone back in again.- It was a king in the mid 18th century.
0:16:37 > 0:16:38- Oh, was it a king?- Yes.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42So anyway, Reynolds, these are not examples of paintings of her, but she got through
0:16:42 > 0:16:45so many lovers that he had to keep all the paintings he did,
0:16:45 > 0:16:48because a man would say "I'm in love with Kitty and I want you to
0:16:48 > 0:16:51"do a painting of her," and about halfway through she was onto a new man.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53- She was extraordinary. - So he made a flick book.
0:16:53 > 0:16:57Basically a flick book of pictures of her. Yeah, she was pretty extraordinary.
0:16:57 > 0:17:00Perhaps the first celeb, but like some modern celebs,
0:17:00 > 0:17:02she sometimes forgot to wear any pants.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04So, moving on now, we have some kits.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08What would you use these kits for?
0:17:09 > 0:17:10Window cleaning.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13That's the first one. Well, no, they go together.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Scratching a window and then cleaning it.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Well, this has a very specific ecological purpose,
0:17:18 > 0:17:19rather bizarrely.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23A wire wool, is that a wire wool brush affair? Probably not.
0:17:23 > 0:17:27It's a scourer, it's a pan scourer. Which you get from your average high street pan scourer shop.
0:17:27 > 0:17:28- Indeed.- Yeah.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31No-one's ever held a scourer like that. "Arrrgh!"
0:17:31 > 0:17:35- Yeah, they haven't, have they. - "Come and do the dishes. Arrgh!"
0:17:35 > 0:17:37That sounds like a scouring super-hero.
0:17:37 > 0:17:40- Because there are some... - "By the power of scourer!"
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Also, the man on the right doesn't really need the extended
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- squeegee for that. - No, he doesn't.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49With a little more effort, I think he could have got to the top.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52"I'd better get the extension out. Oooh, that's better!"
0:17:53 > 0:17:56We're in a world of ecology.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00And we're in a world of the second largest fish in the world, in fact.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02- Is it a big squid? - Fish.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05- A jellyfish? - A fish!
0:18:05 > 0:18:06The great white.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08The Buddha shark?
0:18:08 > 0:18:09- Basking. Basking!- Basking!
0:18:09 > 0:18:11- The basking shark! - Basking shark.
0:18:11 > 0:18:13For the last time, a basking...
0:18:13 > 0:18:15I WANT POINTS!
0:18:15 > 0:18:16In your dreams.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18There it is, with its rather wonderful mouth open.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20- Wow!- Whoa!- Isn't that fabulous.
0:18:20 > 0:18:24"I've got a coat hanger stuck in my mouth! Help me!
0:18:25 > 0:18:28"I've got a coat hanger in my mouth!!
0:18:29 > 0:18:31"I feel so vulnerable!"
0:18:31 > 0:18:34It's a beautiful animal and unfortunately...
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Not really.
0:18:35 > 0:18:38Well it is. Unfortunately, it's hunted to the verge of extinction.
0:18:38 > 0:18:42So we need to know a lot about them, because they're so in danger,
0:18:42 > 0:18:45and to take a core of their DNA is difficult, you need to sort of,
0:18:45 > 0:18:48it's like tagging them, so what they've come up with is...
0:18:48 > 0:18:51Is that one being examined now? Is that why he's got his mouth open?
0:18:51 > 0:18:53Say "Ah".
0:18:53 > 0:18:55No, what you do is you get a window-cleaning rod,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58you shove a pan scourer on the end
0:18:58 > 0:19:01and you scrape off the slime from each particular one,
0:19:01 > 0:19:04which has got its DNA, and you send it to the University of Aberdeen,
0:19:04 > 0:19:07where it's marked and then you check its progress by marking other ones.
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Occasionally do they swallow slightly smaller sharks?
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Yes, I hope they do.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15And there's, like Russian dolls, there's 19 in here.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- Just pull them out. - It's a lovely thought. Yeah.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20It's a couple, Graham Hall and his wife, Jacky.
0:19:20 > 0:19:22Is that the name of that shark?
0:19:22 > 0:19:26- No.- Graham Hall? It's not quite as frightening when you say, quick there's a Graham!
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- There's a Graham. - Here comes Graham.
0:19:28 > 0:19:30- Graham Hall and his wife Jackie. - Ooh, lovely.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33From the Isle of Man, go out into the Irish Sea and scrape...
0:19:34 > 0:19:37..basking sharks with pan scourers.
0:19:37 > 0:19:39- Disgusting! Filthy, filthy! - And send the DNA to Aberdeen.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Dirty bastards!
0:19:42 > 0:19:44And it's been jolly useful. It's jolly, jolly useful.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48Would anybody like to know how you know that you're being
0:19:48 > 0:19:50followed by a gay shark?
0:19:50 > 0:19:51Yeah, go on.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54How do you know you're being followed by a gay shark?
0:19:54 > 0:19:57HE HUMS: "Jaws Theme"
0:19:57 > 0:19:59CHANGES TO: "Can't Take My Eyes Off You"
0:20:04 > 0:20:09That's very good. I like that. And here's another kit.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13What's that? It's luminous pins and reels of cotton.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15- What would they be used for? - Sewing in the dark.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18That would certainly...
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Disco nanas?
0:20:22 > 0:20:24That is popular.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26HE HUMS
0:20:26 > 0:20:29That's all that went, you know when John Travolta was doing that?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31- Yes. - He had wool around that one...
0:20:32 > 0:20:35HE SINGS: "Staying Alive" by Bee Gees
0:20:35 > 0:20:37..because it's "Thanks, love."
0:20:37 > 0:20:39This was part of the kit of a man called Dr Eric Dingwall.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41Oh.
0:20:41 > 0:20:45Doctor Eric Dingwall specialised in exposing something.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Not his own dingwall.
0:20:49 > 0:20:50But...?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52The wall of his ding.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Yeah. Fake mediums. In other words, fakes.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57People who pretend that dead people speak.
0:20:57 > 0:21:00- Is it to do with Ouija boards or anything?- Yeah.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02There are people who pretend, quite wrongly,
0:21:02 > 0:21:06that dead people can speak, which they can't, they're dead.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08They won't talk to you, they're dead.
0:21:08 > 0:21:10But there are people, a class of fraud,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13but I'm saying this directly into camera, you are a fraud
0:21:13 > 0:21:17if you are a medium, you are fraudulent, and...
0:21:17 > 0:21:20APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:21:23 > 0:21:28Hang on, hang on, hang on, my, my granddad says, "Shut your face."
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Dr Eric Dingwall cunningly used...
0:21:34 > 0:21:36Stop it, Granddad, stop it!
0:21:36 > 0:21:39It's quite weird, because we look like we're in a seance.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Yes, you do actually.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43You always look like you're in a seance!
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Yes, you do, let's be honest. Woo!
0:21:49 > 0:21:51I'm getting a basking shark.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53What's that?
0:21:53 > 0:21:55You were touched inappropriately by a man called Graham?
0:21:59 > 0:22:01Anyway, no, Eric Dingwall specialised in exposing mediums,
0:22:01 > 0:22:04and he would tie thread to their legs
0:22:04 > 0:22:08so that he could feel what their bodies were doing in the dark.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11He would also attach luminous pins to them, so again when it was
0:22:11 > 0:22:14dark, he could see where they were moving and what they were doing,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17what machinery they were operating, what tricks they were up to.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Now it's time for a bit of General Ignorance,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22so fingers on buzzers please. What was a Roman soldier's salary?
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- Wine, prostitutes? - The outfit, just the outfit.
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- Audience?- Forty quid a week.
0:22:27 > 0:22:30- AUDIENCE MEMBERS: SALT. - Salt, oh, dear! - KLAXON BLARES
0:22:30 > 0:22:33Audience, minus points.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35Losers!
0:22:35 > 0:22:37Whoa, ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:22:38 > 0:22:41Is there joy in trapping the audience there?
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Yes, it's true that the word derives from the Latin for salt,
0:22:44 > 0:22:47but it is never true that they were paid in salt.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50The money would go towards the buying of salt, but also towards the
0:22:50 > 0:22:53buying of their uniform, the buying of almost everything else, because,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56a bit like British officers, they have to buy everything
0:22:56 > 0:23:01themselves out of their salary, but they were never paid in salt.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03We're getting paid in salt though, aren't we?
0:23:03 > 0:23:05You're getting paid in salt, oh, yes. Oh, yes.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08- Kitty litter. - And kitty litter, in fact.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Yeah, the Romans, in fact, planted vineyards, as you may know,
0:23:11 > 0:23:13in parts of Britain, so here's a question.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16Where does British wine come from?
0:23:16 > 0:23:18- Somerset.- Somerset, no.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19- Kent.- No.
0:23:19 > 0:23:20Kendal?
0:23:20 > 0:23:23Kendal, no. Which country does it come from?
0:23:23 > 0:23:24France.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26It might do.
0:23:26 > 0:23:29The point is, British wine is made from grape concentrate,
0:23:29 > 0:23:31which comes from abroad.
0:23:31 > 0:23:35Whereas English wine is proper English wine from English vineyards.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37And so English wine gets a very bad reputation,
0:23:37 > 0:23:40because people have tried British wine and think it's the same,
0:23:40 > 0:23:41and it isn't.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43There are over 400 vineyards in Britain now,
0:23:43 > 0:23:45and maybe global warming will see an increase in that.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48But certainly in Roman days, in the medieval warm period,
0:23:48 > 0:23:51as it's called, wine was commonly made there.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53So, anyway, English wine comes from England,
0:23:53 > 0:23:55but British wine can come from anywhere.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57And now...
0:23:57 > 0:23:58This is where it gets scary,
0:23:58 > 0:24:02I'm going to try and impress you with my martial art skills.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05- Really?- Karate.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07Let's break stuff with our bare hands,
0:24:07 > 0:24:08and we're going to begin with you.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- You should have a piece of paper and a ruler.- Yes.
0:24:11 > 0:24:15And what I want you to do is put the ruler on the table,
0:24:15 > 0:24:18two thirds of the way, something like that,
0:24:18 > 0:24:20and put the paper on top of it.
0:24:20 > 0:24:21Mm.
0:24:21 > 0:24:23Like so. Not wholly over it, leave the bit out.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25That's it.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Yeah, Colin's got it right. Thank you Colin.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29- Yes.- OK. Very good.- All right.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31Now, without putting your hand over the paper...
0:24:31 > 0:24:33That's how he got that award.
0:24:33 > 0:24:36..simply karate chop and break the piece of wood,
0:24:36 > 0:24:40because the air pressure over the paper will act as a...
0:24:40 > 0:24:42you think that can't be possible, so, Colin, you try.
0:24:42 > 0:24:43- Really?- Yep.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46Oh!
0:24:46 > 0:24:47APPLAUSE
0:24:47 > 0:24:48Isn't that surprising?
0:24:49 > 0:24:52CHEERING
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Who'd have thought?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00Who would have...?
0:25:00 > 0:25:03And I didn't believe you, so I really put my shoulder into it.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05- Yeah, you have to, a nice bit of follow-through.- Yeah.
0:25:05 > 0:25:07Alan, you have a go.
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Yeah - oh, well it is in half,
0:25:09 > 0:25:11you can see, but it slipped out, unfortunately.
0:25:11 > 0:25:12Go on, Ross.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15- Is it in half?- Yeah!
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Noel next. All right, Noel.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23- Yah!- Ah!
0:25:23 > 0:25:25There it is.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27It's very surprising.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29- It feels good though, doesn't it. - It feels good.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31- You feel like Bruce Lee for about four seconds.- Now, I...
0:25:31 > 0:25:33What I'm going to do is, I've got three bricks here.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35HE GRUNTS WITH EFFORT
0:25:35 > 0:25:39And it is, ahh...
0:25:39 > 0:25:42It's like the first ever game of Jenga.
0:25:42 > 0:25:43It is.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46All right, OK.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Yep.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51- It's Kendal Mint Cake. - Kendal Mint Cake. OK.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Oh, God...
0:25:53 > 0:25:56I have to focus my energy.
0:25:56 > 0:25:57I know, it's... All right, it sounds...
0:25:57 > 0:25:59But I have to focus.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Have to go through... I have to - oh, God.
0:26:03 > 0:26:04I'm so nervous now.
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Ah!
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Ooh...
0:26:09 > 0:26:13CHEERING
0:26:13 > 0:26:15Ow! Didn't get them all.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Last time I got them all.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22OK. But, even more...
0:26:22 > 0:26:23Oh, I've got another one.
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Another load here and this time, in theory...
0:26:26 > 0:26:28You're going to do it with your penis.
0:26:28 > 0:26:29Ah-ha-ha!
0:26:29 > 0:26:32In theory here... Ow.
0:26:33 > 0:26:34Er...
0:26:35 > 0:26:38So, choose top middle or bottom.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- Middle.- Oh, no!
0:26:41 > 0:26:42OK.
0:26:42 > 0:26:43I'll try and break just the middle, then.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46I'll bet you Chuck Norris is crapping himself.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49I'm going to try and break just the middle one.
0:26:49 > 0:26:53Again, this takes extreme focus and extreme pain.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55(Go through.)
0:26:57 > 0:26:58I just don't want to do this.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01You don't want to do it again.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02Oh!
0:27:02 > 0:27:05CHEERING
0:27:07 > 0:27:09That was the middle one.
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Oh, thank you very much indeed.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Thank you.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15Ow.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19I can't believe I've put my hood on
0:27:19 > 0:27:22in case there were shards flying around.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25What, shards of his splintering wrist?
0:27:25 > 0:27:27Kendal Mint Cake.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30The truth is, there's no mystique to karate-chopping bricks,
0:27:30 > 0:27:34just good old physics, and in our case, to be honest, trick bricks.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36So don't try and do it at home.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39I'm still very strong and hench and butch, though.
0:27:41 > 0:27:44But anyway, it must be time for the scores.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46And it is fantastic.
0:27:46 > 0:27:52In first place, wow, with a plus four, is Ross Noble.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54Yeah!
0:27:58 > 0:28:00The Noble Prize.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06In second place, with a plus one, Noel Fielding.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11How did that happen?
0:28:11 > 0:28:12There's been a mistake.
0:28:12 > 0:28:14It's incredible.
0:28:14 > 0:28:18In third place, with minus six, Alan Davies!
0:28:18 > 0:28:21Thank you very much. Great.
0:28:22 > 0:28:28And certainly worth the airfare, in fourth place with minus nine,
0:28:28 > 0:28:30- it's Colin Lane.- Yeah!
0:28:31 > 0:28:33But...
0:28:34 > 0:28:39But, in last place, with minus ten, the Audience.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Hey!
0:28:43 > 0:28:45Well.
0:28:48 > 0:28:52And it only remains for me to thank Noel, Ross, Colin and Alan.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Whatever you do, keep your kit on. Good night.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd