0:00:18 > 0:00:24This programme contains some strong language
0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:34Well, GOOD...evening!
0:00:34 > 0:00:37Good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI,
0:00:37 > 0:00:41where tonight, we're cavorting with the K-folk.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Please welcome the kind-hearted Katherine Ryan!
0:00:44 > 0:00:46APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:51The keen-eyed Josh Widdicombe!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:00:58The king-sized Phill Jupitus!
0:00:58 > 0:01:00APPLAUSE
0:01:02 > 0:01:06And kiss my keister if it isn't Alan Davies!
0:01:06 > 0:01:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:11 > 0:01:15And tonight, their buzzers have a story to tell.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Katherine goes...
0:01:16 > 0:01:19CAVALRY TRUMPET
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Josh goes...
0:01:20 > 0:01:23WA-WA-WA!
0:01:23 > 0:01:24Phill goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:26DRUM AND CYMBAL
0:01:26 > 0:01:27And Alan goes...
0:01:27 > 0:01:34SAWING
0:01:34 > 0:01:37CREAKING AND CRASH
0:01:37 > 0:01:39I hope you were sitting the right side of the branch, Alan.
0:01:39 > 0:01:42So we start in the Kalahari. So tell me,
0:01:42 > 0:01:44how did the meerkat cross the road?
0:01:45 > 0:01:48Carefully. That's not a life-sized one, is it?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50That's not... Well, it is a life-sized one.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51I'd say it was in the foreground,
0:01:51 > 0:01:53except there's a bit of road before it.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- Yes, it's confusing, isn't it? - It's just a very tiny car.
0:01:56 > 0:01:57It is, it's a little dinky car.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Do they cross in a group?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Like, you know when you see those kids
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- in the reflective jackets...- Yes.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06..snaking across the road with some sort of handler?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09I think that's what children have.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13Well, meerkats are, despite their cutesy-cutesy reputation,
0:02:13 > 0:02:15they're pretty mean, fierce animals.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18And they have levels of superiority.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21And the leading meerkat sends across
0:02:21 > 0:02:24the less important meerkat to test the road.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- Amazing. - And it's the youngsters...
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- That'll be you tonight, Josh. - Do you want me to test it tonight?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- It's your children... - It's your first time,
0:02:31 > 0:02:32you have to cross the set.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- Unbelievably, it's the children they send.- The children?!
0:02:37 > 0:02:39They send their little children.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40Once again, that'll be me tonight.
0:02:40 > 0:02:43Well, we do the same, we do the same with buggies.
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Right? You push that, that's straight out into the road before you.
0:02:46 > 0:02:47So, what are they testing?
0:02:47 > 0:02:49That it's not going to get hit by a car?
0:02:49 > 0:02:50Yeah, exactly. That it's safe.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53And if the youngsters get gobbled, they go, "Oh, I'm not going there."
0:02:53 > 0:02:54But do they not understand
0:02:54 > 0:02:56that there might be another car in a minute?
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Well, it seems odd, but all...
0:03:00 > 0:03:04"No-one's been killed by a car, so we'll all be fine."
0:03:04 > 0:03:06Are the tiny meerkats wearing high-vis jackets
0:03:06 > 0:03:08like human children do,
0:03:08 > 0:03:10or do they just rely on their own gorgeousness?
0:03:10 > 0:03:13I think they rely on their own gorgeousness. But the leading,
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- the sort of head, not exactly... - ALL: Aw!
0:03:15 > 0:03:17You see, you're all going, "Aw!"
0:03:17 > 0:03:20I don't fancy that one at the bottom's chances, if that's a road.
0:03:20 > 0:03:23No, exactly. He knows he's about to be sent.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25That one behind him is just about to do that.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29You have alpha females with meerkats
0:03:29 > 0:03:32- and, in fact, they kill each other's children.- What?!
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Yes, they're pretty nasty animals, when it comes to it, I'm afraid.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- They're not very nice at all. - I hate them.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40They're child murderers, to be perfectly honest.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42Here are three young meerkats crossing the...
0:03:42 > 0:03:43HE IMITATES FAST CAR
0:03:44 > 0:03:46IMITATES HORN BEEPING
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Two have spotted the vehicle.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Will the youngest one...?
0:03:54 > 0:03:56Barry did not.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Unfortunately, because of the adverts,
0:04:01 > 0:04:03a lot of people have bought them as pets.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05And they very soon abandon them because they're smelly,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08they're aggressive and they attack people they don't know.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10But do you know what, these people have never died
0:04:10 > 0:04:13- crossing a road, have they? - No, they haven't. Exactly.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15And the meerkat, always worried
0:04:15 > 0:04:17that someone's about to kick them in the knackers.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20They do have that look too.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24It looks like someone's about to take a free kick, doesn't it?
0:04:24 > 0:04:26It does.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28The only thing that could make that picture even more gorgeous
0:04:28 > 0:04:30would be three tiny pianos.
0:04:32 > 0:04:35Meerkats know each other by their calls individually
0:04:35 > 0:04:37and you can send a meerkat almost insane
0:04:37 > 0:04:40by recording one meerkat's voice that it knows,
0:04:40 > 0:04:41playing it in a certain area
0:04:41 > 0:04:44and then whizzing round to another area and playing it again,
0:04:44 > 0:04:46- and it will... - Why would you do such a thing?!
0:04:46 > 0:04:51- It's very mean, but they get utterly baffled by the fact...- Barry!
0:04:52 > 0:04:54How can you be in two places at once?
0:04:54 > 0:04:57There is no meerkat called Barry, by the way, but it's...
0:04:57 > 0:04:58- Oh, come on, there will be.- No.
0:04:58 > 0:05:01But you could do that with a human voice, because we recognise
0:05:01 > 0:05:03everyone through their voices as well, don't we?
0:05:03 > 0:05:05- True, but we also know about recordings.- Oh, yeah.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- So they would probably guess. - It's a trick missed.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- Maybe you don't.- There was a time when only one person
0:05:13 > 0:05:16knew about recordings. Ho-ho! He had great fun.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Well, there you go. The meerkat road safety code
0:05:19 > 0:05:21is to send the kids across first.
0:05:21 > 0:05:25Now, Alan, why will you never eat my noodles?
0:05:28 > 0:05:30It was bound to happen that this show
0:05:30 > 0:05:31would just become about you two.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Just haven't agreed on a fee, have we?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39If you remember, we're involving people
0:05:39 > 0:05:41from countries beginning with K.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- Kenya.- Well, which have a particular association perhaps with noodles.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- Kent.- Kent!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Famous for the Kentish pasta.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53No... East.
0:05:54 > 0:05:55Korea.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59Thank you, Josh. In Korea, noodles, of course, are very popular.
0:05:59 > 0:06:00Of course.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03"When will I eat your noodles?" means...
0:06:03 > 0:06:05"When are you getting married?" In other words,
0:06:05 > 0:06:07when are you going to be throwing a party
0:06:07 > 0:06:08in which you will serve noodles?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10So it's just a Korean phrase.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12- It's like saying, "When are you going to tie the knot?"- Oh.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14When am I going to eat your noodles?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16But you're already married, so I'm not going to eat your noodles,
0:06:16 > 0:06:18and you didn't invite me to your wedding.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- I did invite you, you didn't come. - Oh, that's right.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22LAUGHTER
0:06:22 > 0:06:25I was abroad, of course.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27- I was abroad. - Yeah, you know what you were doing,
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- you were filming an episode of Bones.- Yes, I was, I was.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35- I've never been so insulted in my life!- I'm so sorry.
0:06:35 > 0:06:39I'm so... Oh, God, how embarrassing. I'm so sorry.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42Anyway, that's what it means. Here are some other Korean phrases...
0:06:42 > 0:06:44"The other man's rice cake always looks bigger."
0:06:46 > 0:06:48What would be the British equivalent of that?
0:06:48 > 0:06:49"The grass is always greener."
0:06:49 > 0:06:53Or as my uncle used to say, "The other man's arse is always cleaner."
0:06:54 > 0:06:58"If there are too many ferrymen on a boat,
0:06:58 > 0:06:59"it will sail up a mountain."
0:07:00 > 0:07:02Is that just literal?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Well, yes, it's probably... Maybe.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08If they say that in North Korea, the boat is going up the mountain.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- That's true. - "Too many cooks spoil the broth."
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Too many cocks... Too many cooks spoil the broth.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21"So, Stephen, tell me about your childhood!"
0:07:21 > 0:07:23OK, here's one.
0:07:23 > 0:07:28"He worked as if he were tending the grave of his wife's uncle."
0:07:29 > 0:07:31- That's brilliant. - What would that mean?
0:07:31 > 0:07:34- I might start using that.- Not much.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37- Yes, is the answer. - He did bugger-all.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40Because in Korea, it is your duty to tend the graves of your family.
0:07:40 > 0:07:44But the more distant the family, the less attention you give the grave.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47So all he was doing was just, basically,
0:07:47 > 0:07:49sprinkling a little bit of water on the...
0:07:49 > 0:07:50It's only his wife's uncle.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52Whereas his grandfather, his father or his mother,
0:07:52 > 0:07:55he'd be putting flowers and giving it great attention.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57- So that's what that means. - So like shagging the dog.
0:07:57 > 0:07:58Not really.
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Not really, Katherine.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03Is there something you want to share with us?
0:08:03 > 0:08:04"Like shagging the dog?"
0:08:04 > 0:08:06Yeah, like if you don't work very hard,
0:08:06 > 0:08:07you're just shagging the dog.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Not in this country, Madam!
0:08:13 > 0:08:17In this country, when we shag a dog, we know what we're doing.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20And it's pretty hard work, I can tell you.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Not as easy as it looks, I tell you that.
0:08:24 > 0:08:30- So in Canada, you have the phrase "shagging the dog"?- Yeah.- Wow.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32Or like, "shagging the sheep," if you want, whatever.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34That's not a phrase.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Again, perfectly common practice over here,
0:08:37 > 0:08:40but not considered a light or unburdensome task.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43It just means, like, having an easy day.
0:08:45 > 0:08:50- There's a lot I have to learn about Canada.- Well, I suppose it's easy
0:08:50 > 0:08:53because with, like, a lady, you have to take her out to dinner
0:08:53 > 0:08:55or woo her a bit, but with a dog,
0:08:55 > 0:08:56it's just like, "Here, boy, come on!"
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Oh, I see.
0:08:58 > 0:08:59You say that, you say that...
0:09:02 > 0:09:03But I'd say once he's here,
0:09:03 > 0:09:05most of the work is still to be done in that situation.
0:09:05 > 0:09:08Yes. And I'm thinking it... Oh, let's move on.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12So, "showing off your wrinkles to a silkworm"?
0:09:14 > 0:09:17You have found a silkworm in your underpants.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22Silkworms are pretty wrinkly.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25So if you show your wrinkles to a silkworm, he's going to go,
0:09:25 > 0:09:27"Nah, I can do better than that."
0:09:27 > 0:09:29- So it's like teaching your grandmother to suck eggs.- Oh.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31It's, that's the...
0:09:31 > 0:09:36- Imagine how wrinkly a silkworm's knackers are.- Exactly.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39And finally, "He disappeared like a fart through hemp pyjamas."
0:09:44 > 0:09:47I think that one speaks for itself, doesn't it?
0:09:47 > 0:09:49It does. It's a Korean phrase.
0:09:49 > 0:09:50"Awkwardly," basically.
0:09:50 > 0:09:55Embarrassingly, awkwardly, not with maximum grace.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58Now, who are these men and what did they have for breakfast?
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- The guy there, front left...- Yes?
0:10:03 > 0:10:05..he looks like he's having a Calippo for breakfast.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09He does, doesn't he? He does.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12It's a very early Calippo commercial.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14A very early Calippo commercial, absolutely right.
0:10:14 > 0:10:19They've got the lifestyle element of the Calippo commercial all wrong.
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Calippos have changed over the years.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26Bizarrely, when first made, they were for poor mining regions.
0:10:26 > 0:10:27Well, this is a poor village.
0:10:27 > 0:10:31Is that the Dales? Is it Yorkshire, is it in the North?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34- It's not, it's remoter. It's British, but remote.- Oh.
0:10:34 > 0:10:35- Is it Devon?- Hebrides.
0:10:35 > 0:10:38The Hebrides is right, and it's the remotest of all of them...
0:10:38 > 0:10:40- Kelp.- ..and the largest. - Seaweed, do they eat seaweed?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42They don't eat seaweed.
0:10:42 > 0:10:44They lived, for a thousand years, this community...
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- On kittens.- On Calippos?!
0:10:46 > 0:10:50For a thousand years, this community was isolated from Britain.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52They lived on gannets and skuas and puffins.
0:10:52 > 0:10:54It's the largest puffin colony in Britain,
0:10:54 > 0:10:57the largest gannet colony in the world.
0:10:57 > 0:11:01- So can you think of the name of the island?- Is it...? No, I can't, no.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04It's St Kilda. St Kilda.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05And who was St Kilda?
0:11:05 > 0:11:07I'll give you ten points if you can tell me.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- Patron Saint of Ducks. - Was St Kilda male or female?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13- Male.- Male.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14- No.- Female.
0:11:14 > 0:11:19No. No. St Kilda was not a saint.
0:11:19 > 0:11:21It's merely, unfortunately, a sort of...
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Font?
0:11:26 > 0:11:29It's an old Norse word for a shield, "skildir,"
0:11:29 > 0:11:31and it just became St Kilda.
0:11:31 > 0:11:32But it's not a saint at all.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33So it's known as St Kilda.
0:11:33 > 0:11:38And it wasn't until 1930, the last 36 natives of St Kilda
0:11:38 > 0:11:40voluntarily left their ancestral home.
0:11:40 > 0:11:41But, oddly enough,
0:11:41 > 0:11:45they were given jobs in the British Forestry Commission,
0:11:45 > 0:11:49and there hadn't been trees on St Kilda for 1,500 years,
0:11:49 > 0:11:52so none of the St Kildans had ever seen a tree before.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54And they were given jobs in forestry.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56- IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: - "What the fuck is that?!"
0:11:57 > 0:12:00I imagine, I mean, because they're big...
0:12:00 > 0:12:04- Trees are big. - I mean, the reaction - "Argh! Orks!"
0:12:05 > 0:12:07- So did they want to come to Britain? - Sorry?
0:12:07 > 0:12:10- When we brought them all over here in the '30s...- Yeah?
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- ..weren't they resistant? - No, no, it's voluntary.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14I mean, this was a place that was so windy
0:12:14 > 0:12:18that, literally, sheep were blown off the cliffs.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20It's terribly sad.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23And there was one windy period where for a week afterwards,
0:12:23 > 0:12:24they were all deaf.
0:12:24 > 0:12:28I mean, it really... It was a pretty hostile climate.
0:12:28 > 0:12:29I'm still very confused,
0:12:29 > 0:12:31cos I feel like until you told me about the wind
0:12:31 > 0:12:34and the dead sheep, it sounded like a beautiful place to live.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36- And now, yeah.- Because it's sunny and, like, in the '30s,
0:12:36 > 0:12:38nobody wanted to live here, no offence.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41It now sounds a bit more like Canada, doesn't it, to be honest?
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Wahey! Sorry.
0:12:43 > 0:12:44No, no, no, I'm only kidding.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47And it's like, you know, they had all these delicious birds,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49like the original Nandos. I...
0:12:50 > 0:12:51- I would like to live there.- Yeah.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55I want to find St Kilda and see what they're about.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56I dare say you could visit it.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59What we saw was actually the parliament, the men only, gathering.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02- What?- Wow.- That's their parliament, and they talk until...
0:13:02 > 0:13:05- Cabinet meeting.- Are they split down the middle by party?
0:13:05 > 0:13:07They talk about what the issues of the day...
0:13:07 > 0:13:09"I'm holding the Calippo, it's my turn to speak."
0:13:13 > 0:13:16The worst thing is that dog in the middle is the Prime Minister.
0:13:17 > 0:13:19PHILL: No, he's the Minister of Forestry.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Anyway, anyway, let's move on.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26If you follow a kulgrinda, where will it get you?
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Oh, oh, oh, it's not... No.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- It's not that... Oh, no. - What?- No, that thing...
0:13:32 > 0:13:34- What could you be thinking? - That thing, that application.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37- That thing...- I can't imagine what you're talking about.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Yes, you know, you know, you know...
0:13:39 > 0:13:42Turn it on now, how many are in the studio? I bet...
0:13:44 > 0:13:47I imagine your outfit will set it off straightaway, Phill.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49I'm just bear bait.
0:13:49 > 0:13:51This is not, this is nothing to do with...
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- No, it's nothing to do with that. - ..the gay man-on-man action app, no.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56OK.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01Kulgrinda is spelt K-U-L-G-R-I-N-D-A.
0:14:01 > 0:14:06It's a rather remarkable thing that exists in the Baltic.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Particularly in Lithuania,
0:14:08 > 0:14:09but also in Kaliningrad.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11A naturally occurring phenomenon?
0:14:11 > 0:14:14No, it's a man-made phenomenon, which is a very cunning way
0:14:14 > 0:14:15of deceiving your enemies,
0:14:15 > 0:14:18running away from them, or causing them to drown.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Making a misty fog thing?
0:14:20 > 0:14:21No. What you do is...
0:14:21 > 0:14:26you make stepping stones that are under the water...
0:14:26 > 0:14:27A cunning thing.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29..which are enough for you to stand on,
0:14:29 > 0:14:31but only you know where they are.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33The really cunning thing is how you lay them.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35In the winter, it's incredibly cold,
0:14:35 > 0:14:38so you get these huge stepping stones, put them in a line
0:14:38 > 0:14:43across the ice, and as the ice melts, they drop and form a line.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46And if they're big enough, you can actually drive a coach over them.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49I mean, you've got to be pretty sure you're going to be chased soon,
0:14:49 > 0:14:51to go to that trouble.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54The Estonians and Kaliningradians were pretty often at war.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57- There was a lot of war going on. - It'll happen this year.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59"I think we will be chased in the summer."
0:14:59 > 0:15:01They were often invaded.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04"Which way shall we go? Over the river...
0:15:06 > 0:15:09"I'm going to make a kulgrinda, will you help?"
0:15:11 > 0:15:14"Only if you're certain about this chase.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17"Tell me more about it, who's involved?"
0:15:17 > 0:15:18Basically, you set it up
0:15:18 > 0:15:21and then you start a game of 'It' in about June.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26The most famous one is the Sietuva swamp,
0:15:26 > 0:15:30which the Lithuanian explorer Ludwik Krzywicki
0:15:30 > 0:15:32navigated by coach in 1903.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34And he wrote that at the deepest point,
0:15:34 > 0:15:36the water was up to the sides of his horse.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38So they're really impressive little things.
0:15:38 > 0:15:42I'd say the most famous one is the one Jesus used.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44That's true.
0:15:44 > 0:15:45To trick everyone in the Bible.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47That's true.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Kulgrinda are ingenious secret paths through Lithuanian swamps
0:15:50 > 0:15:52which allow you to make a quick getaway
0:15:52 > 0:15:54from your enemy, if necessary.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56What is there to say about long-necked Karen?
0:15:58 > 0:15:59She's got lovely eyes.
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Yeah, you're always the first to see the nice...
0:16:06 > 0:16:08That's one of those Family Fortunes ones, isn't it?
0:16:08 > 0:16:10- We've had this before. - Oh, yes. "Survey said..."
0:16:10 > 0:16:12"Name a bird with a long neck."
0:16:15 > 0:16:17And the bloke goes, "Naomi Campbell."
0:16:22 > 0:16:25- This is clearly not Naomi.- No, Emu.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Karen is the answer here. Who is this Karen?
0:16:29 > 0:16:32Tom Cruise always likes girls, like, tall girls with long necks,
0:16:32 > 0:16:34but then he doesn't let them wear heels around him.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36No, because he is not the tallest man in the world.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38Well, then why date the girls with the long necks?
0:16:38 > 0:16:40So they can spot predators.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45- Say again... - Tribe, is it a tribe?- Tribe.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- The Karen tribe.- The Karen tribe.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49"Oh, hello, all right? Lovely to see you."
0:16:51 > 0:16:52"Hiya, you all right?"
0:16:54 > 0:16:56The neighbouring Tracey tribe...
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- ALAN:- Argh!
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- They hate the Traceys. - "Stay away from Gary!"
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Here come the Garys.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07- HE GRUNTS - "Bovered?"
0:17:10 > 0:17:15But the tribe we're talking about, the Padaung Karen tribe, from...?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18- Do they put rings round the...? - Exactly, let's have a look at them.
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- Extending over time. - There we are, look at that.
0:17:20 > 0:17:23- Oh, my word.- Wow! - Wow, isn't that impressive?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25It looks like she's kind of been bred with a Slinky.
0:17:28 > 0:17:32- They're so-called giraffe-necked... - At the end of the day, "Oh!"
0:17:32 > 0:17:33Well, they can't...
0:17:41 > 0:17:44"Beryl, Beryl, why are the curtains on the...? Oh."
0:17:46 > 0:17:48You know when you have a jack-in-the-box ready to go?
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- Oh, yes.- P-ding!
0:17:50 > 0:17:53Maybe that's what would happen, rather than go down, it just goes...
0:17:54 > 0:18:00The surprising thing is that X-rays show that their necks...
0:18:03 > 0:18:05They can't have any more vertebrae, can they?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08No. X-rays show their necks are not longer than normal people's.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10- So what's going on? - It's just that we're all hunchy.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13That does look quite long, but it's actually what's lower
0:18:13 > 0:18:15- is the collarbone, or are the collarbones.- Wow.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17They're supposed to wear them until they get married,
0:18:17 > 0:18:19but a lot of them keep them on forever.
0:18:19 > 0:18:21It's a sign of beauty, traditionally,
0:18:21 > 0:18:25although it's supposed also to protect them against tigers,
0:18:25 > 0:18:28who will attack them by the neck. That's one theory.
0:18:28 > 0:18:29That is great, I always thought,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32OK, maybe they're sacred, all right, it looks pretty...
0:18:32 > 0:18:36- Tigers! I'm totally with it now. - Yeah, it's tiger-proof.
0:18:36 > 0:18:38- Put those around your neck. - Exactly.- All right.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Most of them now live in Thailand, having fled Burma,
0:18:41 > 0:18:43and you can pay to go and see them.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46There's another nearby tribe, who also wear brass coils,
0:18:46 > 0:18:52not only around their necks, but around their lower knees and arms.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56I don't think this is so mad, really. I think... I get it with the tigers
0:18:56 > 0:18:59and here, you've got Katy Price doing loads of crazy stuff
0:18:59 > 0:19:02to her body and all her friends, and they look lovely,
0:19:02 > 0:19:05but they're, like, orange and they've got fake hair and fake nails,
0:19:05 > 0:19:09- how is this worse?- You're absolutely right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11APPLAUSE Yeah, girls, yeah.
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Points to Katherine, naturally, for that good observation.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15Now, where's the best place to keep
0:19:15 > 0:19:20- a load of old rubbish from the 1980s?- My loft!- Your loft.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24No, this is a story you're not likely to know,
0:19:24 > 0:19:27but it is a 16-year voyage of a ship.
0:19:27 > 0:19:33It's called the Khian Sea, trying to offload rubbish from Pennsylvania.
0:19:33 > 0:19:37In 1986, it was loaded with 15,000 tons of non-toxic ash,
0:19:37 > 0:19:40bound for dumping in the Bahamas. But they said no,
0:19:40 > 0:19:43so they went to Puerto Rico, Bermuda, the Dominican Republic,
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Honduras, Guinea-Bissau and the Netherlands Antilles.
0:19:46 > 0:19:47They all said no.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Then they cunningly re-classified the cargo
0:19:50 > 0:19:53as "topsoil fertiliser"
0:19:53 > 0:19:57and managed to get rid of 4,000 tons of it in Haiti.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59And then they were rumbled and sent packing.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03So they then went to Senegal, Cape Verde, Yugoslavia, Sri Lanka,
0:20:03 > 0:20:04Indonesia and the Philippines.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08And then Singapore, where she was found to be empty.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11And then the captain and the ship's executives admitted
0:20:11 > 0:20:13they'd dumped the ash at sea and were jailed.
0:20:14 > 0:20:16And at the insistence of Haiti,
0:20:16 > 0:20:22the ship had to go back to pick up the 4,000 tons they'd left behind.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25So eventually, Pennsylvania, where it originated from,
0:20:25 > 0:20:30took it back, and in 2002, 16 years later,
0:20:30 > 0:20:34it was offloaded and taken by train to a landfill just 120 miles
0:20:34 > 0:20:36where it had originally come from.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39How impressive is that?
0:20:39 > 0:20:42I quite like the idea of that boat sailing around
0:20:42 > 0:20:44and the captain, with a teaspoon, just going...
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Like in a prison yard, bring it out of the bottom of his trousers.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58And the amazing thing is, it wasn't toxic,
0:20:58 > 0:21:01it's just people didn't want American rubbish...
0:21:01 > 0:21:03Don't say anything. Erm...
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Now, name the nearest Third World country?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09- Oh, steady, we could get into all sorts of trouble.- Yes, you could.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11Oh, hello.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13I'm not going to make any jokes about our near neighbours
0:21:13 > 0:21:18- on this fine island. - Good. Let's just say...
0:21:18 > 0:21:22it's as well that you didn't say Wales, or Scotland.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26I'm too scared to answer.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Let me give you the original definition of a Third World nation,
0:21:28 > 0:21:30then you'll be less embarrassed, all right?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- French historian Alfred Sauvy coined...- France!
0:21:33 > 0:21:36ALARM WAILS
0:21:38 > 0:21:43- We jumped the gun. ..coined the phrase...- Oh, Stephen!
0:21:43 > 0:21:46..the Third World, "le monde troisieme," in 1952.
0:21:46 > 0:21:51It meant "states not politically aligned with the USSR or the USA,"
0:21:51 > 0:21:53ie, the Soviet Bloc or with America.
0:21:53 > 0:21:57So any state that wasn't in some way politically aligned
0:21:57 > 0:21:58was called Third World.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00Now, which is the nearest one of those to us?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02France was, although it wasn't a member of NATO,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05- it was politically aligned. - Ireland wasn't, was it?
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Ireland is the right answer.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10- The one I was most afraid of saying. - Oh, there, you see!
0:22:10 > 0:22:13It's only more recently that it became a term meaning poverty.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16And nowadays, of course, it's not a politically correct
0:22:16 > 0:22:20word to use, anyway. We don't say a Third World country, we say...?
0:22:20 > 0:22:22- Developing. - The developing world, exactly.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24We say a vibrant tourist destination.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Absolutely, bravo! That's exactly what we say.
0:22:29 > 0:22:32- Unspoiled, we say, unspoiled. - Unspoiled, exactly.
0:22:32 > 0:22:36And finally, a really easy one, does the Paris-Dakar Rally
0:22:36 > 0:22:42start in Paris and end in Dakar, or start in Dakar and end in Paris?
0:22:42 > 0:22:45It starts in France and ends in Africa.
0:22:45 > 0:22:49- Oh! - ALARM WAILS
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Sorry. Anybody else?
0:22:51 > 0:22:53- Is it neither?- Yes.
0:22:53 > 0:22:55- Well, I know it ends in Africa... - It doesn't.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57..so I presumed it started in France.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59- It doesn't end in Africa. - Where does it end?
0:22:59 > 0:23:03- In South America.- What?!- What?! - What the heck?!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06No, the Paris-Dakar rally has been held in South America
0:23:06 > 0:23:11for the last five years, since threats in 2007 from Al-Qaeda.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14And so the organisers relocated it in South America.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15- Really?- Absolutely.
0:23:15 > 0:23:20The Mongol Rally starts in England and ends in Ulan Bator,
0:23:20 > 0:23:23which is the capital of Outer Mongolia, as I'm sure you know.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25I'd just take a mobile phone, rather than doing that.
0:23:27 > 0:23:28There, you see the...
0:23:28 > 0:23:31- The problem is, you can't get the signal.- This is 1990.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36It starts in London and ends in Ulan Bator.
0:23:36 > 0:23:37And what route does it take?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39A2.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- The fact is...- He's not wrong.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45The fact is, any way you want to go. Because there is...
0:23:45 > 0:23:48- A33.- There is no set route, you can just choose to go through...
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- Dover, Folkestone. - ..whichever countries
0:23:50 > 0:23:52will allow you to get through them.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54They don't want to cramp the style of the rallyists.
0:23:54 > 0:23:59In India, there's a very good rally called the Blind Man's Car Rally.
0:23:59 > 0:24:04A 40-mile race in which blind navigators use a Braille map.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08The drivers are sighted, but they must adhere to the directions given
0:24:08 > 0:24:12by their unsighted navigators, who are using Braille.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Even if they know it's going to be a collision?
0:24:14 > 0:24:15"Left, left, left!"
0:24:18 > 0:24:23Anyway, now we have a Knick-Knack exploding custard powder experiment.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26For something to explode, you need certain things.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28You need something to light -
0:24:28 > 0:24:30in this case, custard powder.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32You need something to light it with
0:24:32 > 0:24:33and you need oxygen.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35But you need a little bit more than that,
0:24:35 > 0:24:38because if I try and light this custard powder, you will see...
0:24:39 > 0:24:42ALAN IMITATES EXPLOSION
0:24:43 > 0:24:45..that nothing happens.
0:24:45 > 0:24:46The trick custard powder, ha-ha!
0:24:47 > 0:24:49I blew his arm off! Ha-ha!
0:24:49 > 0:24:51It doesn't... The whole point is, nothing happens.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Nothing would happen to that, it's custard, you fool.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56I bet Heston could make it burn.
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Ah. He couldn't in this state.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- No?- What you need, in order to get something like custard,
0:25:01 > 0:25:05or any powder, even metallic powder, to burn and really burn,
0:25:05 > 0:25:08is one of these ordinary everyday objects like this.
0:25:10 > 0:25:16As you may see, I have a funnel and I have some safety glasses,
0:25:16 > 0:25:19to save my beautiful eyelashes.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22And I have a lighter.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24I miss Jacques Cousteau.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29And I have a pump.
0:25:29 > 0:25:30ALAN IMITATES DIVER'S BREATHING
0:25:30 > 0:25:33I have a pump that rather wants to fall over.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35So we'll just raise this here...
0:25:35 > 0:25:38- HE CONTINUES TO IMITATE DIVER - ..so it doesn't fall over. OK...
0:25:39 > 0:25:41What I'm going to do...
0:25:41 > 0:25:43I don't want to know what you're going to do!
0:25:44 > 0:25:49What I'm going to do is - I'm going to pour the custard powder
0:25:49 > 0:25:51in this funnel. And I'm going to...
0:25:51 > 0:25:54I'm going to present a flame across it.
0:25:54 > 0:25:59- Oh...- Yes. Yes. Be afraid, be very afraid.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02- Can I use Alan as a human shield? - No, you're the shield, you're new!
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- Oh, my God!- Ooh, ho-ho! - There's flame,
0:26:09 > 0:26:13- there's custard powder in there. - "I feel the need!
0:26:13 > 0:26:14"The need for speed!"
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- All I need to do... - Where are you going?!
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Why the fuck am I next to it?!
0:26:20 > 0:26:22I'm going to the pump.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24I'm just going to the pump,
0:26:24 > 0:26:28- because I'm going to pump... - We are now nearer than you!
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Can you see what I'm going to do? I'm pumping air...
0:26:30 > 0:26:33There's just too many double entendres, you pumping custard.
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Stop it. Are your ready for me to pump the custard?!
0:26:38 > 0:26:40Oh, my God, don't do it!
0:26:40 > 0:26:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:43 > 0:26:45All right.
0:26:46 > 0:26:47Oh, God!
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Yes, I'm ready for you to pump your custard.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53I need a countdown from the audience.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55This is not how I wanted to go, I've got to be honest.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Audience, I want you to count me down from three...
0:26:58 > 0:27:01AUDIENCE: ..two, one,
0:27:01 > 0:27:02go!
0:27:02 > 0:27:04AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Wasn't that dangerous!
0:27:08 > 0:27:10Well, it's quite warm there, actually.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14- Can you feel the heat? - Yeah, I can feel the heat.
0:27:14 > 0:27:17- SHOUTING:- If I'd been sitting there, I could have been igni...
0:27:17 > 0:27:19- QUIETLY:- I could have been ignited.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21You could have been covered in hot custard.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28I told you before you did this experiment!
0:27:30 > 0:27:34Which hot and exciting experiment brings me
0:27:34 > 0:27:37to the little matter of the scores.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39And they are fascinating.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42In last place, although he's played it so many times,
0:27:42 > 0:27:44with minus nine, is Phill Jupitus.
0:27:44 > 0:27:47APPLAUSE
0:27:51 > 0:27:56A highly creditable third place, with minus eight, Katherine Ryan.
0:27:56 > 0:27:57APPLAUSE Wow!
0:28:01 > 0:28:05First appearance, second place, with minus seven, it's Josh Widdicombe.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07APPLAUSE
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Ladies and gentlemen, can you believe your ears?
0:28:12 > 0:28:1514 points, in the lead, with plus seven, is Alan Davies!
0:28:15 > 0:28:18CHEERING
0:28:24 > 0:28:29Enormous thanks to Katherine, Phill, Josh and Alan. Good night.
0:28:38 > 0:28:42Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd