0:00:31 > 0:00:34Ah, good evening, good evening, good evening.
0:00:34 > 0:00:39Good evening and welcome to QI, where tonight the K is silent,
0:00:39 > 0:00:42as in knits, knots, knackers and knobs.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Let's meet a knitwit, Sue Perkins.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Knot a lot, Ross Noble.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:58Slightly knackered, David Mitchell.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01APPLAUSE
0:01:04 > 0:01:06And a complete kn... say no more, Alan Davies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08APPLAUSE
0:01:13 > 0:01:17Right. All the K's are quiet and so are their k-noises.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19Sue goes...
0:01:19 > 0:01:20Sh!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Ross goes...
0:01:24 > 0:01:26SHEEP BLEATING
0:01:27 > 0:01:29- David goes... - PIN DROPPING
0:01:31 > 0:01:33- That was a pin dropping. You could hear it.- Yeah.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36- And Alan goes: - # Silence is golden! #
0:01:36 > 0:01:41Very nice. And how many knots are there in this picture?
0:01:44 > 0:01:47# Silence is... #
0:01:49 > 0:01:51- Yes?- Two.
0:01:51 > 0:01:54- CLAXON - No.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- Four? - CLAXON
0:02:00 > 0:02:02It's a trap!
0:02:02 > 0:02:04- Well, you've got some options. - Oh, none.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06CLAXON
0:02:07 > 0:02:09David?
0:02:11 > 0:02:15- One?- Yes! - APPLAUSE
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Oh, you're such a swot!
0:02:19 > 0:02:21Is it the noose, is that the only one?
0:02:21 > 0:02:23There are two hitches, a bend and a knot.
0:02:23 > 0:02:26- The one on the right is a k-noose.- Yes.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29- A noose, but it is a knot. - Oh, a noose is a knot?
0:02:29 > 0:02:31- A noose is a type of knot. - A hangman's knot.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33The hitches are the first one and the third one.
0:02:33 > 0:02:37Is correct, they are hitches, and the second one is what's known as a bend.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41In everyday speech, of course, the word knot is used for all of them
0:02:41 > 0:02:44but this is QI where everyday speech is completely...
0:02:44 > 0:02:46MUMBO JUMBO
0:02:46 > 0:02:49So the highwayman's hitch, for example,
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I have an example of a highwayman's hitch.
0:02:51 > 0:02:55That's where you hitch your horse and the tighter you pull,
0:02:55 > 0:02:58the tighter it goes but when you want to get away quickly,
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- you pull the short one, da-dum!- Oh, that is good.- Isn't that clever?
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Does he not just run off with the stick then?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- It's a post in the ground. - Oh, I see, right. Sorry, yeah.
0:03:06 > 0:03:10Because if you tied up your dog to that and you went, right,
0:03:10 > 0:03:14and then threw it and the dog ran after it, a lot of confusion there.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17Yeah. Another one was called the European Death Knot,
0:03:17 > 0:03:20the Euro Death Knot, or EDK.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Was that named by UKIP?
0:03:25 > 0:03:27It's also a one sided overhand bend.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29It's used for joining two ropes, as you can see.
0:03:29 > 0:03:34It's perfectly safe if used right, but a lot of climbers thought it wasn't safe
0:03:34 > 0:03:38and it was invented in Europe, so American climbers called it the Euro Death Knot.
0:03:38 > 0:03:43In fact it's very, very old and the 5,300-year-old man, Otzi,
0:03:43 > 0:03:45who was discovered in the Alps, dead, obviously...
0:03:47 > 0:03:51- For a moment there I thought you... - He was preserved, preserved...
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Been there for 5,000 years and going, "Help, will somebody help!"
0:03:54 > 0:03:58He had amongst his possessions a knot tied exactly in that fashion,
0:03:58 > 0:04:01so it shows we've been doing it for a very long time.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04And that would have been before rope was invented, for sure.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06How he pulled that off..?
0:04:06 > 0:04:09And the other hitch we saw was called the snuggle hitch.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13Which is a more secure version of the better-known sailor's knot,
0:04:13 > 0:04:15the clove hitch.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- You look at me as if I would know that.- Sorry, I just...
0:04:17 > 0:04:20"Come on, Susan, you know the knots."
0:04:20 > 0:04:22One of the surprising things about it,
0:04:22 > 0:04:24because it looks reasonably simple,
0:04:24 > 0:04:27was that it was invented in 1987.
0:04:28 > 0:04:34Or at least that's when it was very first introduced into the International Knot Tyers Guild.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37Didn't they think they had enough knots, without inventing more?
0:04:37 > 0:04:40Yeah, I know. There are 3,800 in their...
0:04:40 > 0:04:43We're not going to go through each one of them, you'll be pleased to know.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45So that's a very specific '80s knot?
0:04:45 > 0:04:50Did somebody go, we need a way of tying down Bananarama. Now...
0:04:51 > 0:04:54It was a man called Owen Nuttall, anyway, who invented it
0:04:54 > 0:04:56and he called it the snuggle hitch.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00- NASAL SPEECH: I imagine he speaks like that.- Well, he may.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02"Nuttall here. I invented a knot."
0:05:03 > 0:05:07The hangman's knot is named after one of the most famous
0:05:07 > 0:05:10hangmen in history, Charles II's hangman.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- Oh, Johnny...- It's a French guy. - Johnny Noose.
0:05:12 > 0:05:17No. Oddly enough, his surname is a sailing vessel. Jack..?
0:05:17 > 0:05:20- Boat.- Yacht. - Ketch. Jack Ketch.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Which if I'm not mistaken has a tall mast at the front
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- and a small mast at the back. - Indeed, indeed, yes, the ketch.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29- Yeah, well, I just like to point that out.- Well done.- Thank you.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31This became pretty much the standard hanging noose that was used
0:05:31 > 0:05:34because it broke the neck very quickly.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38So, it was a very quick death when you dropped. The drop, as they called it.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41So, in a way, it was humane.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43It's good that you say he was an effective hangman,
0:05:43 > 0:05:47- cos if you weren't, you're essentially just a bloke that opens a door.- Yes.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Do you know what I mean?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Because where was it?
0:05:51 > 0:05:54There was a place where the prisoners built the gallows
0:05:54 > 0:05:57and when you stood on a particular plank it forced the wood out
0:05:57 > 0:06:00and then the door didn't open and no-one was getting...
0:06:00 > 0:06:04Then they would test it and the door would open and then they'd go, all right.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06And then they'd put the person there and then it would push the wood
0:06:06 > 0:06:08and then it wouldn't, and they'd go, all right.
0:06:08 > 0:06:12Take him away, test it again, fine. That happened loads of times and...
0:06:12 > 0:06:16And so they decided God didn't want this person to die and let them off.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19I think that's a real thing, or I might have seen it in a Scooby Doo episode.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22I'm not sure. I'm not quite sure.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25Do they do a lot of hanging in Scooby Doo?
0:06:25 > 0:06:28- Now you come to mention it... - No more!
0:06:28 > 0:06:32No, it's not. How would that be Scooby Doo?
0:06:32 > 0:06:36Like, like, like... IMPERSONATES SCOOBY DOO
0:06:36 > 0:06:39- Shaggy! - That can't be Scooby Doo.
0:06:39 > 0:06:42AMERICAN ACCENT: It was Mr Ketch, the hangman, all the time.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47So, now, I want you to take one of those each,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50and tie yourselves together, as it were.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53- This has gone quite dark now. - It has, hasn't it?
0:06:53 > 0:06:57Is it just me? It's like a party game in the '70s.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59So, put each one of those around your wrist.
0:06:59 > 0:07:03- No, no, don't undo it.- Well, I can't get my hand through that, can I? - Oh, sorry.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07Little cock grab, that is.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11- Cock ring!- Try with this one.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13- Swap. You can give me that one back. - That's more like it.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16There we are. Put your wrists through.
0:07:18 > 0:07:21That's it, and then do that, so that you're tied together.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24- OK.- Yes, is that right? - Is that good?
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Without undoing the knots, untie yourselves.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36DAVID: Oh, I see.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- Don't turn around, don't turn around.- That hasn't helped.
0:07:42 > 0:07:43DAVID: No!
0:07:48 > 0:07:51- ROSS: No, that's it, you go through there.- Yes!- Yes!
0:07:51 > 0:07:53No!
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Emphatically no!
0:07:57 > 0:07:59Completely not.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03I'm going back up, I'm going back over.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Right, go, go through. Yes!
0:08:07 > 0:08:08No!
0:08:08 > 0:08:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:12 > 0:08:14I've got it, I've got it. Right.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17Right. I've got it. If I do a forward flip...
0:08:20 > 0:08:22Now...
0:08:22 > 0:08:24Right, let's see if we can get...
0:08:27 > 0:08:28Oh, oh.
0:08:28 > 0:08:31I think technically you are now married.
0:08:31 > 0:08:33You have let...
0:08:34 > 0:08:36I'm coming down, I'm coming down.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40You two hold it for a second and watch,
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- because I think Sue is onto something.- OK.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46This is what we did when we were regularly handcuffed together as children.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49No, watch. You mustn't untie the knot.
0:08:49 > 0:08:51But...
0:08:53 > 0:08:54Oh.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Yeah!
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Well done. Brilliant!
0:09:04 > 0:09:08- Have a go.- I actually, I have no idea what you did.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11Neither do I, but I feel alone now. I liked it when we were together.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13Show them, if you can remember it.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16What's properly weird is, I've now got a purple one round there.
0:09:16 > 0:09:21- It's a magician's trick, it's a good...- So what you have to do is, you have to make a loop.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23And then you feed the loop through.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28- What?! - Then you go over your hand.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29No way.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31You are free.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32No, you're not!
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Is this your watch?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40APPLAUSE
0:09:44 > 0:09:47Oh, we've given up, we've given up.
0:09:47 > 0:09:49Hang on, if I take my trousers off...
0:09:50 > 0:09:52I think we have to call that a disaster.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54But well done, Sue Perkins.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03It was like playing S&M Twister.
0:10:03 > 0:10:04It was rather, wasn't it?
0:10:04 > 0:10:08It was a wonderful sight that will never leave my memory banks.
0:10:08 > 0:10:13So, why would anyone ban knitting patterns, flowers, hugs and kisses?
0:10:13 > 0:10:16This is a real ban, that is to say, a governmental ban.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18It's got a war-time feeling about it.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- It has got a war-time feeling about it.- Code?
0:10:20 > 0:10:22- Code is the right word. - What, they knit in code?
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Yes.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26So in World War II you were not allowed to send abroad
0:10:26 > 0:10:30any knitting pattern, just in case there was code embedded in it.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33So you couldn't send, you know, socks to prisoners of war?
0:10:33 > 0:10:34You could send socks,
0:10:34 > 0:10:37- but not anything with a knitting pattern in it.- Oh, right.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Because they could be used as some sort of code.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Open out a blanket and it says "June 6th, 1944."
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Normandy.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Also postal chess was not allowed,
0:10:48 > 0:10:51even kisses at the bottom of letters,
0:10:51 > 0:10:52in case they had some meaning.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55Presumably messages saying where the troops are moving...
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Yes, those were obviously pretty much banned.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00Could you not have got like, you know you get knitting machines,
0:11:00 > 0:11:02could they not have made like an enigma knitting machine?
0:11:02 > 0:11:05Where it makes the jumper and then scrambles it up,
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- so that they couldn't pass the message.- That would be very clever.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11- It's an opportunity missed. - It is an opportunity missed.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15We have a Karen Templer, who is a QI watcher, has knitted us...
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Oh, look at that.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18And this says, in Morse code...
0:11:20 > 0:11:23"I wool always love you."
0:11:23 > 0:11:24Oh, that's cute.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Aaah. Thank you, Karen. Bravo.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28APPLAUSE
0:11:29 > 0:11:32- Isn't that nice? - You know what she was doing there?
0:11:32 > 0:11:35- She was indulging in a bit of four-ply.- Hey!
0:11:35 > 0:11:37AUDIENCE LAUGH AND GROAN
0:11:37 > 0:11:38- Good night.- Very good.
0:11:38 > 0:11:41And let's hope that it is Morse code and not Braille.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46"You'll what? Get off me!"
0:11:48 > 0:11:51Now, how can knitting be used to reduce fear, crime and disorder?
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- Well, you know if he was knitting he couldn't be holding a gun.- Yeah.
0:11:55 > 0:11:56Well, that's true.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59It's harder to stab, shoot.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02You can only really kick people while you're knitting, can't you.
0:12:02 > 0:12:03You can stab.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05We'll come onto that, there is something called
0:12:05 > 0:12:07Extreme Knitting, which we will come to.
0:12:09 > 0:12:14It's called Guerrilla knitting, or sometimes Yarn Bombing.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16And it is actually a way to make a place more peaceful.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18It's to deter crime.
0:12:18 > 0:12:23And it was tried out in Leicester, where they hung pompoms,
0:12:23 > 0:12:25and put things round trees.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Oh, I feel calm already. It's like a tree-warmer.
0:12:28 > 0:12:32Well, they used cosies for tree trunks, parking meters,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35even buses, and tanks has been suggested, in the military areas.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37But as I say, there's Guerrilla Knitting,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40but I alluded to it earlier, there's Extreme Knitting.
0:12:40 > 0:12:42What do you think that might be?
0:12:42 > 0:12:44Now I've got Gregg Wallace in my head going,
0:12:44 > 0:12:47"Knitting doesn't get more extreme than this!"
0:12:49 > 0:12:53"First you get a slip stitch, then comes a taste of pearl."
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Is it about doing knitting in places where you wouldn't normally,
0:12:57 > 0:13:00like driving a Formula One car, or...
0:13:00 > 0:13:01Well, sort of.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02..parachuting or something.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05The great heroine of this is one Susie Hewer,
0:13:05 > 0:13:07aged 55 at the moment of going to press.
0:13:07 > 0:13:09She has the world record for knitting a scarf
0:13:09 > 0:13:12while running a marathon.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- Oh, that is good. - That is impressive.
0:13:14 > 0:13:17And she's also crocheted while running a marathon too,
0:13:17 > 0:13:19and she's ridden a tandem,
0:13:19 > 0:13:21and she does it to raise money for Alzheimer's research.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23So it's all pretty good in the end.
0:13:23 > 0:13:26Yeah. I did a half marathon when I was a student,
0:13:26 > 0:13:29to raise money so that we could go to the Edinburgh Festival.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33- Well, dear me.- Do you know how much I raised? Have a guess.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- So that's what got you here. - 50 quid.- 70.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38- Oh, that's good.- 70 quid. - For 13 miles.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41And then we got two grand off the Student's Union to top it up.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47- Well, it worked out all right for you, didn't it?- Yeah.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48I would say.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Now, what about the biggest knitted objects in the world,
0:13:50 > 0:13:52- how big are they?- Massive.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Yes, is the answer. Give me a...
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Thanks, I'll have a point, thank you.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58- The biggest knitted object.- Yeah.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Well, I've had my doubts about Venus for a long time, you know.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Is it going to be like a suspension bridge or something,
0:14:05 > 0:14:06is a knitted object?
0:14:06 > 0:14:08In as much as it is, yes, it is a physical object
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- on which people can live. - It's a house?
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Is the internet knitted?
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- Does it count as a huge knitted thing?- No.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20It's a series of man-made knitted islands on the Peruvian side
0:14:20 > 0:14:23of Lake Titicaca. And there are 45 of them.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27They're from totora reeds, and there's a church on one of them.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30There are buildings and houses, people live on them.
0:14:30 > 0:14:31But they're quite...
0:14:31 > 0:14:34But the scariest thing is the size of the nanas that built them.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36Yes.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39But several hundred people live on them, they get so used to
0:14:39 > 0:14:42this rather springy surface that if they then go on land, they just,
0:14:42 > 0:14:46they can't walk, it takes them ages to get their land legs back.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48I think that's where Bez from the Happy Mondays,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50- he's from there, isn't he?- Yeah.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- Very good. Excellent. - Be a great excuse, wouldn't it,
0:14:53 > 0:14:54if you turned up somewhere pissed,
0:14:54 > 0:14:57to say, "No, actually, I'm fine, I just usually live somewhere knitted.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59"And it's very odd, everything..."
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Just used to a very different surface.
0:15:01 > 0:15:05"Everything feels very wobbly, but honestly, I am a professional."
0:15:05 > 0:15:10ROSS: But the Lake Titicaca Olympic team must be amazing. Bang!
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Give me a statistic about Lake Titicaca.
0:15:14 > 0:15:19It is the biggest innuendo place in the planet.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22It's got titties and it's got caca.
0:15:22 > 0:15:23Caca, exactly. Exactly.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24Is it very, very high?
0:15:24 > 0:15:27It's the highest navigable lake in the world. That's quite right.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30Navigable means you can go in one end and out the other.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32Yes, you can get ships on it and there are many ships on it,
0:15:32 > 0:15:33and ports and things like that.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36There are higher lakes which you couldn't get a ship onto.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Not been made more navigable by loads of knitted islands.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40- Yes, they get in the way.- Yes.
0:15:40 > 0:15:45So, anyway, now for a new round. What Katydid.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47Here are five creatures and five names.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50I want you to match the creature to the name.
0:15:50 > 0:15:51Oh, right, OK.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53There's a dragon-headed, a spike headed, a horned,
0:15:53 > 0:15:56a mimicking snout-nosed and a small hooded, and they're all called?
0:15:56 > 0:15:59- Sheila. - No, no, they're called katydids.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Why might they be called a katydid?
0:16:01 > 0:16:02A "cat-idid?"
0:16:02 > 0:16:04No, it is actually pronounced katydid.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06It's because supposedly the sound
0:16:06 > 0:16:09they make by stridulating their wings is "katydid, katydidn't."
0:16:09 > 0:16:11I don't know, we haven't got a recording of it,
0:16:11 > 0:16:12so I can't help you.
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Katydid, katydidn't.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Let's show the answers in a colour-coded sort of way.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19- Well, there you can see... - The dragon-head.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20But they're strange creatures.
0:16:20 > 0:16:24And the most impressive, in some ways, is the small hooded,
0:16:24 > 0:16:26which as you see is the purple one, which looks like a leaf.
0:16:26 > 0:16:29We're looking at it very closely and it's moving, but it wasn't
0:16:29 > 0:16:34discovered till 2010, it's lived for millennia and it's not even rare.
0:16:34 > 0:16:35It's in Australia.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38It's because its camouflage is so astonishing, the mottling
0:16:38 > 0:16:42of the leaves and everything else is such that people just don't see it.
0:16:42 > 0:16:43That's the longest game of hide and seek.
0:16:43 > 0:16:45- Yes, that's ever been ever played. - Finally!
0:16:45 > 0:16:48Eventually someone, "Look, what's that little blighter in there?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50"That's an animal, it's alive."
0:16:50 > 0:16:53"Oh, you got me, you got me!"
0:16:54 > 0:16:57It would be a terrifying thing, actually suddenly to, you know, that
0:16:57 > 0:17:00things that we've been looking at for ages turn out to be animals.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- Yes.- You know, that you're suddenly looking at four trees
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- and suddenly realise, "Oh, no, they're legs."- Yes.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10There's another katydid which does a really extraordinary thing,
0:17:10 > 0:17:12it's a record in the animal kingdom, as far as we know,
0:17:12 > 0:17:14it's the male Tuberous bush cricket.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17It has the largest testicles for their weight of any animal.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24That's 14% of their body mass.
0:17:24 > 0:17:26- 14%?- 14%.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- Gonads.- It enables them to fertilise as many females as possible.
0:17:29 > 0:17:33They do this by inserting a jelly-like package, called...
0:17:33 > 0:17:34Why are you looking at me?
0:17:34 > 0:17:38I'm sorry, called a spermatophore, into the female.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40But the back end of this spermatophore,
0:17:40 > 0:17:43this bulging packet of spermatazoic jelly,
0:17:43 > 0:17:45there's too much of it, it bulges out
0:17:45 > 0:17:48and the female reaches back and eats it for lunch.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49LAUGHTER
0:17:49 > 0:17:53So it's a romantic dinner for one, so it's a double little present.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Yes. Only a man could say that.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58The thing about that...
0:17:58 > 0:17:5940%...yes?
0:17:59 > 0:18:01The thing about that as a creature though,
0:18:01 > 0:18:05cos it's got such massive balls, like when you film it close up,
0:18:05 > 0:18:08it must go like, it must leap and go, oh!
0:18:08 > 0:18:09Quick, oh!
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Oh, the agony.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Every time it lands, it's just, ooh.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Where's the penis? Is the penis massive?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16I don't think the penis is as massive as the testes.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Just a little thing like that, and then two great melons.
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Yeah. It's really...
0:18:20 > 0:18:23That's quite a powerful squirt, you'd have thought.
0:18:23 > 0:18:24- She could be a mile away.- Yeah.
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Well, there you are, there's your katydid.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32What's the longest distance of mating in the animal kingdom?
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- What is?- Yeah. - Gosh, I don't know.
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Some fish put the eggs and then the male fish comes along later...
0:18:37 > 0:18:38- By post.- They don't even meet.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41Oh, that's true. You could send by post, I suppose.
0:18:41 > 0:18:42Can you?
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Well, there's the ninja slug.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47No, this is a real thing.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49A ninja slug?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52The ninja slug, and when it's doing the loving,
0:18:52 > 0:18:55- it er... Yeah, I'm like a proper expert.- The slug loving.
0:18:55 > 0:18:56Wax on, wax off.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57Yeah, slug loving.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59And then instead of getting involved,
0:18:59 > 0:19:04it comes up and then it fires like all the necessaries towards
0:19:04 > 0:19:08the lady slug, and she "hoof", and then, I don't know what it's called.
0:19:08 > 0:19:10- Catches it? - Sort of, yeah.
0:19:10 > 0:19:11But she leans backward to catch it?
0:19:11 > 0:19:14I don't think she's got hands,
0:19:14 > 0:19:16but she, she sort of... That's the thing with a slug,
0:19:16 > 0:19:20if you rush a slug like that, they don't go, "Urgh," they just,
0:19:20 > 0:19:22"Oh." And then, yeah. Go like that.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Oh, it's that bit, on the... yes.
0:19:27 > 0:19:28Wah!
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- And then, yeah.- Are you saying it's like the meat and two veg detach?
0:19:31 > 0:19:35- Yeah. Takes it off...- And fires, takes it off and fires it at a...
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Takes it off and it... Again, I'm not sure where I found this out.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40Scooby Doo.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41That is definitely Scooby Doo.
0:19:41 > 0:19:44It sort of, its bits go, and then it, woo, like that. And then it...
0:19:44 > 0:19:45I definitely seen that on Scooby Doo.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48And then she's, I think she's like that, "Wey!"
0:19:48 > 0:19:50And she's basically like a goalkeeper, just readying herself.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54Exactly. Yeah, honestly, it's like an explosion in an Ann Summers.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Well, that's terrific, well done.
0:19:57 > 0:19:58There's nothing worse, though,
0:19:58 > 0:20:01when this slug comes towards the lady and she dives the wrong way.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03That is, oh!
0:20:03 > 0:20:04Nightmare.
0:20:04 > 0:20:09Moving on, moving on from the enormous knackers of the katydid.
0:20:09 > 0:20:12What can you tell me about the royal knackers?
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Well, I imagine they're pretty toastie right now.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Is it where royal horses are killed?
0:20:21 > 0:20:23The Royal Knacker's Yard?
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Well, yes, they don't any longer have a Royal Knacker's yard,
0:20:25 > 0:20:26but they used to.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29There was of course, in the Victorian age, and earlier,
0:20:29 > 0:20:32a great need to get rid of horses who had died,
0:20:32 > 0:20:34and to make the most of them.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38And they went to knacker's yards. And there was...
0:20:38 > 0:20:39And thence into lasagne.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41And they were made into all kinds of things.
0:20:41 > 0:20:44And the royal knacker was one John Atcheler,
0:20:44 > 0:20:49who had the royal warrant from Queen Victoria, to knacker her horses.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51And he was the official horse slaughterer.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53He had two knacker's yards.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55The first was in Sharp's Alley near Smithfield
0:20:55 > 0:20:57and then later near Kings Cross, at Belle Isle.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01And they were famously malodorous, you wouldn't want to live near them.
0:21:01 > 0:21:06Huge, huge copper vats filled with horses being rendered down.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09But here from 1844 is an extract from Bentley's Miscellany,
0:21:09 > 0:21:12"The knacker's cart arrives in double quick,
0:21:12 > 0:21:15"The mob admires the cart, the royal arms and the inscription:
0:21:15 > 0:21:18"'Knacker to Her Majesty.'
0:21:18 > 0:21:21"The royal knacker, a swell knacker in cords and tops,
0:21:21 > 0:21:23"with a bit of butcher's apron, just as big as a bishop's,
0:21:23 > 0:21:25"merely to distinguish his profession,
0:21:25 > 0:21:28"pole-axe in hand, descends from his vehicle."
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- Well, that's pageantry. - That's pageantry, isn't it, exactly.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34That's what I want to see televised, David Dimbleby doing
0:21:34 > 0:21:37the commentary, "The slaughtering of the royal horse."
0:21:37 > 0:21:38Absolutely.
0:21:38 > 0:21:41It wouldn't be David Dimbleby though, it would be Fearne Cotton.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43I'm afraid it would, wouldn't it?
0:21:43 > 0:21:46People would say, "They've ruined the horse slaughtering this year."
0:21:46 > 0:21:47"They've trivialised the knackering."
0:21:47 > 0:21:49"It used to be so respectful."
0:21:49 > 0:21:50There was so much pomp and circumstance.
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Explain what bit of the horse was bubbling up to the top now,
0:21:53 > 0:21:55is it a bollock, is it an eye?
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- Yes.- But they don't know now, these new presenters.
0:21:59 > 0:22:05Well, if anyone from Leeds tells you to eat kicker, what should you do?
0:22:05 > 0:22:07Run away, because that's Kicker there.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11You can see we're still in the world of meat.
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Is it horse?
0:22:12 > 0:22:14It is actually just plain horse, yes, it's horse.
0:22:14 > 0:22:18And Yorkshire was the last place really to eat horse
0:22:18 > 0:22:20on a major scale in Britain.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Until quite recently.
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Well...
0:22:23 > 0:22:26But of course recently there have been a few scandals
0:22:26 > 0:22:28which mean we've probably all been eating horse.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30That dark brown horse has the hair of Tina Turner.
0:22:37 > 0:22:38You're spot-on.
0:22:38 > 0:22:42What you're looking at here is the entire line-up of Horse Kajagoogoo.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45You're absolutely right.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47It's really spooky, that.
0:22:47 > 0:22:49Well, horse was very popular right up until the first millennium,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52until Gregory III, the Pope, deemed it too pagan.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55But the Scandinavians had always loved eating horse
0:22:55 > 0:22:57and the greatest Scandinavian, as it were,
0:22:57 > 0:22:59presence in Britain was in Yorkshire.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02And so it remained as a tradition to eat horse
0:23:02 > 0:23:04right up until really the '30s.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08And the last butcher selling horse in the county was Arnold Drury
0:23:08 > 0:23:11in Doncaster, who died in 1951.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14He proudly advertised "Viande Cheval,"
0:23:14 > 0:23:18meat horse, "of super quality horseflesh."
0:23:18 > 0:23:22And other butchers called it kicker, more euphemistically.
0:23:22 > 0:23:25And in the 19th century, rural Yorkshire folk who moved to the city
0:23:25 > 0:23:27were known as kicker eaters.
0:23:28 > 0:23:29I've eaten horse.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32- Well, most of us have, apparently, without knowing it.- Yes.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Isn't it odd how we rebel at the idea of things
0:23:35 > 0:23:37that we're not used to.
0:23:37 > 0:23:41You know, we are totally used to drinking the proteinous
0:23:41 > 0:23:44fatty stuff that comes out of an alien animal,
0:23:44 > 0:23:48that is designed to make its calf double in weight every week,
0:23:48 > 0:23:49and we're perfectly happy,
0:23:49 > 0:23:52skull it back and go, that's all right, I'm eating a cow's milk.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53But even more so...
0:23:53 > 0:23:55But someone says eat a horse's milk, you go, "Ugh!"
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Even more so than that, when my sister-in-law
0:23:57 > 0:24:00expressed some breast milk and kept it in the fridge,
0:24:00 > 0:24:03and her brother came in and drank it...
0:24:03 > 0:24:06It made everyone feel a bit unwell, but no-one quite knows why.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Well, exactly, because it's a lot more...
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- Clearly it's designed for human consumption.- Precisely,
0:24:11 > 0:24:12much more than cow or horse milk is.
0:24:12 > 0:24:15I tell you what, it makes a lovely rice pudding.
0:24:15 > 0:24:18- It really does.- But wasn't there a shop selling...
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- Breast milk ice cream.- Yeah.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22We should all try lots of different animals' milk.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24I'm very happy to try horse milk.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26- I had some of that breast milk ice cream.- Did you?
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Yeah. I was on a television programme
0:24:29 > 0:24:31and they brought it round as a gimmick, I didn't seek it out.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32No.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35And it tasted completely like normal ice cream.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38I thought you were going to say completely like tits.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41- Yeah, it tasted very, very strongly of tits.- Very breasty.
0:24:41 > 0:24:44No, it tasted very much like dog or horse milk, in fact.
0:24:44 > 0:24:48Well, the most famous 19th century Royal Knacker was Jack Atcheler,
0:24:48 > 0:24:52responsible for dealing with 26,000 horses a year.
0:24:52 > 0:24:56Now, what should you watch out for when handling these?
0:24:57 > 0:24:59It's roses, rose stems.
0:24:59 > 0:25:01Oh, is it, is it old women with secateurs?
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Yeah, well, that's one thing.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06What else might harm you if you try to pick them?
0:25:06 > 0:25:07The thorny bit?
0:25:07 > 0:25:09KLAXON SOUNDS
0:25:09 > 0:25:12- No, roses don't have thorns. - Not a thorn?
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Well, they do, it's a known...
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Thorn bushes have, thorn bushes have roses, is that it?
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- Is it a trick? - No, on roses they're called?
0:25:19 > 0:25:21- Prickles.- Prickles, well done. Absolutely right...
0:25:21 > 0:25:23- They prick you.- They're not thorns.
0:25:23 > 0:25:26A thorn is a very specific thing, botanically.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Thorns are modified branches or stems,
0:25:28 > 0:25:31and prickles are part of a plant's skin, which is what those are.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32They come out from it.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35So when Bon Jovi sang Every Rose Has A Thorn...
0:25:35 > 0:25:37- They were lying.- He's made an absolute fool of himself.
0:25:37 > 0:25:39They did.
0:25:39 > 0:25:40# Every rose has a prickle #
0:25:40 > 0:25:42That would be great, wouldn't it, if you went to a Bon Jovi gig, and
0:25:42 > 0:25:44# Every rose has a... #
0:25:44 > 0:25:48Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! And the QI thing went off...
0:25:48 > 0:25:51We've got to invite him on the show, absolutely right.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53So let's see if we've learned something tonight.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55I'm going to show you something and tell me,
0:25:55 > 0:25:56is there a thorn in this picture?
0:26:00 > 0:26:04- Er, there's not one on the rose.- No.
0:26:04 > 0:26:05KLAXON SOUNDS
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Oh, God!
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Well, you said no, didn't you?
0:26:08 > 0:26:11But you were more accurate. You said there's not one on the rose.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13But isn't there one on the crown?
0:26:13 > 0:26:16- No, there isn't one on the crown either.- One on the grass?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19Oh, Alan, you were the only person on the programme
0:26:19 > 0:26:21when we covered this.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23There is no such thing as Ye Olde Rose and Crown,
0:26:23 > 0:26:27it's THE Old Rose and Crown, and the letter Y is called a...?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29- Thorn.- Thorn.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32The letter is the thorn.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34- So the Y is called?- A thorn, yes.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35- A thorn.- It's a "th" sound.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37When you see that, you don't say YE, you say THE.
0:26:37 > 0:26:41THE. So when people say ye olde, they're completely wrong, it's THE.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43I will never get it wrong again.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46So you no longer have to say Ye Olde Tea Shop, it's The Olde Tea Shop.
0:26:46 > 0:26:49What if you open a new one?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51How does that...?
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Then just call it The New Tea Shop.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58Now, who fancies one of my Knick Knacks to celebrate
0:26:58 > 0:27:00the beauty of chemistry?
0:27:00 > 0:27:03I've got a bottle here of alcohol, but this is not drinking alcohol.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- I'm just going to...- That was full at the start of tonight.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09What I'm going to do is, I'm going to make a cloud,
0:27:09 > 0:27:11which I think you'll find is rather exciting.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14I've got a pump here, and Alan, I'm going to ask you to pump for me,
0:27:14 > 0:27:16- would you?- Every Monday.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18That's it.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22By doing this I'm just making it evaporate a little, and I'm going
0:27:22 > 0:27:24to stick the plunger in as soon as I can, so I don't get too much.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Now, by pumping it in, you're applying pressure to this,
0:27:27 > 0:27:29- there you go.- Shall I pump? About ten.
0:27:29 > 0:27:32Two, three, four, five,
0:27:32 > 0:27:37six, seven, eight, nine, ten. That'll do.
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Is it going to blow up? Is it going to explode?
0:27:39 > 0:27:40- And...- Oh!- Cloud.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42- Oh, look at that. - I've made a cloud.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46But, pop it in.
0:27:46 > 0:27:47APPLAUSE
0:27:49 > 0:27:51We can now make it disappear.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57Gone cloud.
0:27:57 > 0:27:58Come back, cloud!
0:28:00 > 0:28:02Oh, isn't that exciting?
0:28:04 > 0:28:07All of which brings us to the scores,
0:28:07 > 0:28:11and our winner tonight on minus six is David Mitchell.
0:28:11 > 0:28:12HE MOUTHS: Minus six.
0:28:15 > 0:28:19In a very respectable second place on minus nine, is Ross Noble.
0:28:22 > 0:28:23Who knew?
0:28:23 > 0:28:27Improving all the time, in third place, with minus 17,
0:28:27 > 0:28:28Alan Davies.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37But tonight's frayed knicker elastic is Sue Perkins on minus 22.
0:28:44 > 0:28:50Well, that's all from Sue, David, Ross, Alan and me.
0:28:50 > 0:28:51Good night.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Subtitles By Red Bee Media Ltd