0:00:05 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:24 > 0:00:27APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:35 > 0:00:40Good evening. Good evening. Welcome to QI, where we're all kings for the day.
0:00:40 > 0:00:45Joining me at court are His Majesty King James VI, Jimmy Carr.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:53His Majesty King William III, Bill Bailey.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:01:01His Majesty King Jeremy the Only, Jeremy Clarkson.
0:01:01 > 0:01:03- APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:01:05 > 0:01:08And King Alan Davies.
0:01:08 > 0:01:12APPLAUSE
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Before we commence our battle royale, let the trumpet sound.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Jimmy goes...
0:01:18 > 0:01:21ORNATE FLOURISH
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Bill goes...
0:01:27 > 0:01:30ORNATE FLOURISH
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Jeremy goes...
0:01:34 > 0:01:36ORNATE FLOURISH
0:01:39 > 0:01:40And Alan goes...
0:01:40 > 0:01:43PARTY HORN
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Why am I not surprised?
0:01:48 > 0:01:51Here are some kings I'm sure you're utterly aware of but can you
0:01:51 > 0:01:54tell me how they got their nicknames?
0:01:56 > 0:01:59These are all real kings and their real nicknames.
0:01:59 > 0:02:02Constantine - you should be able to guess where he comes from.
0:02:02 > 0:02:03- Sorry...- Greece.
0:02:03 > 0:02:04Has your crown slipped?
0:02:04 > 0:02:07Yeah, it's, look, it's done that, you see, that's a...
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- Like that.- It's a medieval torture.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14Yeah, this is what they put round royal dogs to stop them
0:02:14 > 0:02:16nibbling their stitches.
0:02:16 > 0:02:17Imagine the crown maker...
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Has your head lost weight?
0:02:20 > 0:02:23- Yes, it has, yes.- It's lost even more hair than when we started.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- Yeah.- That's right. - That's very unfair.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Yes, I do apologise. It's just...
0:02:27 > 0:02:29You're welcome to take it off.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31Try and get it down the other way.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34Shall I try and go through it?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Yeah, try and go through it. I think this is...
0:02:38 > 0:02:41APPLAUSE
0:02:45 > 0:02:48And that's the last we ever saw of him.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50That's not a good look.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53You, honestly, you look fine. You look fine.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56That's so like something out of Lord Of The Rings now.
0:02:56 > 0:03:01- Even more than ever.- I'm going to make this my passport photo.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04What do you do? I'm a fighting king. What do you want?!
0:03:04 > 0:03:07But you can take it off now, you can all take off your crowns.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10Oh, God, thanks, thank you. Thank you very much, yes.
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- So, this brings us to these names. - Names, right.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Constantine...
0:03:14 > 0:03:16Constantine the Great, the first Constantine was?
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Was he a Greek?
0:03:18 > 0:03:19He was a Roman emperor,
0:03:19 > 0:03:23but he moved the capital from Rome to his new city, Constantinople.
0:03:23 > 0:03:26And he became Christian,
0:03:26 > 0:03:30and this one is a descendant of his who became very unpopular
0:03:30 > 0:03:33and his enemies claimed that, when he was baptised,
0:03:33 > 0:03:36he was so nervous, he pooed in the baptismal font.
0:03:37 > 0:03:39We've all done that.
0:03:39 > 0:03:41- We've all had nights out. - Yeah.
0:03:41 > 0:03:45So they called him Koprononym, which is the Greek for Crap-Name.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- Oh, I see. - Poo-Name. Kopronym.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51Was he christened then as a child or as an adult?
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- I think...- Because it's worse, I think, as an adult.
0:03:53 > 0:03:54Yes.
0:03:54 > 0:03:59It's embarrassing if you're an emperor and that's all they call you - Poo-Name.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01- You're still an emperor. - I'm still emperor.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04So what were the other ones? Let's have a look.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06See if you can have any sort of mild guess.
0:04:06 > 0:04:07Louis the Universal Spider.
0:04:09 > 0:04:12He was actually Louis the XI of France.
0:04:12 > 0:04:14Could he climb up the water spout?
0:04:14 > 0:04:15No, that wasn't it.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18It's because he had webs of conspiracies all across Europe.
0:04:18 > 0:04:19Oh.
0:04:19 > 0:04:22It wasn't because he got stuck in the bath.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- They all had names. Friends of Philip the...- Spaniard.
0:04:25 > 0:04:27Philip the Good.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28Oh, right.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31- "The Good" shows a lack of imagination, doesn't it? - Yeah.- Yeah, the Good.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Good, it's good though, isn't it?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35It's better than Dave the Satisfactory.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39That's the best you could have hoped for on your reports.
0:04:39 > 0:04:43That's probably what channel we're on now, as people are watching.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46APPLAUSE
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Yeah. Graham the Outstanding.
0:04:48 > 0:04:53He was considered good because he pursued so many crusades
0:04:53 > 0:04:57which is not considered good these days. Went off to the Holy Land and killed people.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00- We'd never do that today(!) - No.- No.
0:05:00 > 0:05:03As if. So the next one is King Eystein the Fart.
0:05:03 > 0:05:08- Is that meant to say Einstein? - No. It is Eystein.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11- He got it wrong?- Eystein the Fart. - Eystein the Fart.
0:05:11 > 0:05:12So he farted once.
0:05:12 > 0:05:14"Fart" is Norwegian. Speedy, fast.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17Oh. So it's just a typo, really.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19No. It's correct in Norwegian.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22It's lost a little bit in the translation.
0:05:22 > 0:05:27He travelled a lot and he was the first source we have in writing of ice-skating.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30He described his own "ice legs".
0:05:30 > 0:05:32- Fshhh!- Exactly.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34Yeah. Oh, ice legs.
0:05:37 > 0:05:43He was succeeded by his son, whom you will like, who has one of the best names of any king.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Halfdan the .Mild
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Halfdan the Mild?
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- Ah.- Surely that's a "half a mild please, Dan"? Isn't that?
0:05:50 > 0:05:53That's pretty good. Halfdan the Mild.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Yeah. Foreign policy was like, ah, it'll be fine.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Right, let's go to King Ragnar.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00Why was he called what he was called?
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Hairy Breeches. Oh, um...
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Was he very hairy?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06He wore hairy breeches.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08His wife made them out of animal hide
0:06:08 > 0:06:11and they were there to protect him.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15As you can see, he's here being killed. How's he being killed?
0:06:15 > 0:06:17By his own trousers.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- No.- Does it kill the animals before she made the clothes?
0:06:20 > 0:06:23His Viking ship capsized off the coast of Northumbria,
0:06:23 > 0:06:26and he was thrown into a pit of poisonous snakes.
0:06:26 > 0:06:27What, in Northumbria?
0:06:27 > 0:06:30By the King of England, who was at the time King Ella.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32- Where did he find these poisonous snakes from?- Adders.
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Yeah, but, no, that wouldn't kill him though.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Adders, that would give you a bit of an itch. They're not really poisonous.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40It may be a made-uppy story.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42But Ragnar was eventually avenged by his son,
0:06:42 > 0:06:45who was called Ivar the Boneless.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50He'd be called Ivar the Viagra these days.
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Yes.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53- He could get through railings. - Yeah.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55And he got his revenge on King Ella...
0:06:57 > 0:07:00It's a pretty good super power. Didn't one of the Fantastic Four have that?
0:07:00 > 0:07:05In Valiant comic there used to be Janus, who was an escapology person.
0:07:05 > 0:07:07A bottom with a J in front.
0:07:07 > 0:07:11But he could, yes, that's right. And he could get through tiny gaps.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Oh!
0:07:13 > 0:07:15LAUGHTER
0:07:17 > 0:07:18Ah, there you are.
0:07:18 > 0:07:22- There you go. Janus.- Every week, he was in a situation...
0:07:22 > 0:07:23A Janal situation.
0:07:23 > 0:07:27..where it would be really helpful if he could get through a tiny gap.
0:07:27 > 0:07:32I don't know how the writers kept coming up with these scenarios
0:07:32 > 0:07:36where the only solution was for Janus to get through a tiny gap.
0:07:36 > 0:07:40But he was always going through drain grids and that sort of thing.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42And avoiding the door that was open.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47- That'd be too easy.- Quite often he'd forgotten his keys.
0:07:49 > 0:07:52That's King Ragnar, the Hairy Breeches,
0:07:52 > 0:07:54being killed by King Ella, who came down on him in a pit.
0:07:54 > 0:07:58He was avenged by having his ribs opened
0:07:58 > 0:08:01and his lungs spread out against his chest, which was known as...
0:08:01 > 0:08:06- Say it again.- The Blood Eagle. - Very good, yes.
0:08:06 > 0:08:08Audience, ten points.
0:08:08 > 0:08:11He wasn't that boneless if he had a ribcage.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15No, he did it to the man who killed his father.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18Well, then presumably this person was, it was against his will.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22Yeah. It wasn't just, come on then, wey!
0:08:22 > 0:08:26- Help yourself. - See? Fill your boots.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28I saw a documentary about heart surgery
0:08:28 > 0:08:32and to get through the sternum, they used a power saw.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34- I mean, it was... - ALAN WHIRS
0:08:34 > 0:08:36- It's quite hard to get in there. - Yeah.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Or a little toffee hammer. And it takes a lot longer.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41- Yeah. - It's a very small power saw.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44- It's not a huge... - I mean, it's not a great big one.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- No, it's not a logging thing. - STEPHEN MIMES POWER SAW
0:08:49 > 0:08:51- It's a tiny... - ALAN WHIRS GENTLY
0:08:51 > 0:08:53But when you're over a certain age, they can't risk doing
0:08:53 > 0:08:56that to you any more and they actually go up through the...thigh.
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Penis.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Well, you were going, "up through, up through"...the penis.
0:09:02 > 0:09:04What a pity.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06Pee-hole surgery.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09APPLAUSE
0:09:14 > 0:09:16Requires a steady hand, obviously.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19Don't be absurd, they go up through the anus.
0:09:19 > 0:09:22- Oh, of course.- Oh, dear!- So sorry, Stephen.- They go up through a major...
0:09:22 > 0:09:25Yeah, like your mate through the tiny cracks in the...
0:09:25 > 0:09:26Janus.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28That's why he was called Janus.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31- I've got a job for you, Janus.- Oh!
0:09:31 > 0:09:36Up you go. Oh, God! Steady, chap.
0:09:36 > 0:09:39Stephen, now, I've got a question about farts.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Oh, yes?
0:09:41 > 0:09:44Do you think that farts smell before they come out?
0:09:49 > 0:09:51I'm not going in to find out!
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Quite a philosophical one from you, Alan.
0:09:54 > 0:09:59If you went up someone, when Janus goes up to do the heart surgery...
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03You wouldn't have to hold your nose, is what I'm saying,
0:10:03 > 0:10:04you'd be free to use both hands.
0:10:08 > 0:10:12If you have a colonoscopy, 24 hours before,
0:10:12 > 0:10:15you have to take these unbelievably powerful...
0:10:15 > 0:10:17Hallucinogenics.
0:10:20 > 0:10:22APPLAUSE
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Whoa! Oo-ee!
0:10:27 > 0:10:31Ho-ho, I'm being taken by a space octopus!
0:10:35 > 0:10:39Pushing on, name a cobra beginning with K.
0:10:39 > 0:10:40King.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42KLAXON
0:10:42 > 0:10:46Oh, Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy. A king cobra isn't actually a cobra.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50It has its own genus, which is in fact ophiophagus,
0:10:50 > 0:10:52which would tell... It sounds like "off your face."
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Off of your faces?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56No. Ophiophagus. Phagus means?
0:10:56 > 0:10:59Eating. Eating. Ophio...
0:10:59 > 0:11:01It means snake. So it's actually a snake-eating snake.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03A snake-eating snake.
0:11:03 > 0:11:04Yes, it is, that's right.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06I saw a cobra eat a snake.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Well, maybe you can make up for your lack of points,
0:11:09 > 0:11:11by making the noise that a king cobra makes.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14I'm just going to get that klaxon again, aren't I?
0:11:14 > 0:11:17- It doesn't make a noise.- It does make a distinctive noise.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21- Was it... All right, OK. - "Hello!"
0:11:21 > 0:11:24Very good. So just imitate a king cobra if you can.
0:11:24 > 0:11:25- Does it hiss? - BARKS
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- We're all...- Meow!
0:11:27 > 0:11:28- KLAXON - Does it bark?
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Oh, you did the hiss.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32I didn't, it wasn't me, I was barking.
0:11:32 > 0:11:33No, no, no, Alan did the hiss.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36- You did the bark so you get points back.- So does it hiss?- Does it hiss?
0:11:36 > 0:11:38- It barks. - What do you mean, it barks?
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- It barks like a dog. - It barks. Like a dog.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- Who does the research? - Do you want to hear it?
0:11:42 > 0:11:44It just seems that we should get some...
0:11:44 > 0:11:47- Here we go. Here, here we go. - SNAKE BARKS
0:11:47 > 0:11:48There you go.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50There's no way that that's a snake.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52It is a king cobra. Fact.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54Bring him out, bring him out.
0:11:54 > 0:11:55Bring him out, yeah.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Just to prove it...
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- AS EAMONN ANDREWS:- You thought he was over there
0:12:00 > 0:12:03but he's here tonight. Please welcome...
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Can we hear that again?
0:12:05 > 0:12:07- Stephen Fry's barking cobra. - It was a guess.- Ssh.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10SNAKE BARKS A barking cock-alike.
0:12:10 > 0:12:14- ALAN BARKS - It feels like if we play that a few times, it would
0:12:14 > 0:12:16sound like the TARDIS. Shall we just...?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18- OK, keep going.- See if we can...
0:12:18 > 0:12:20SNAKE BARKS REPEATEDLY
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Anyway, it has a little sort of special place in its trachea
0:12:26 > 0:12:28and a kind of kazoo-like membrane and it makes that noise.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30I'm surprised we didn't know that.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Wait a minute, a kazoo, a kazoo-like membrane?
0:12:34 > 0:12:37Well, a membrane, yeah.
0:12:37 > 0:12:42It doesn't sound like one, I grant you. It doesn't sound like one.
0:12:42 > 0:12:43OK.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46What else is interesting about king cobras? How venomous are they?
0:12:46 > 0:12:48Really venomous.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51More venom than any other snake. It's not as venomous but they've more of it.
0:12:51 > 0:12:55They've got more of it, and then they envenomate more often.
0:12:55 > 0:12:56- They venomate a lot. - And they chase you.
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Yeah. So they're really bad.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00- They chase you while barking. - Yes.
0:13:00 > 0:13:04- With more venom than... - It's warning enough to stay away.- Yeah.- So, now.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Oh, dear, why are we just always in this region?
0:13:07 > 0:13:08It's so unfortunate.
0:13:08 > 0:13:12Why might a Frenchman want this up his bottom?
0:13:12 > 0:13:15The French love shoving things up their bottoms.
0:13:15 > 0:13:18KLAXON
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Who knew, who knew I was going to go there?!
0:13:24 > 0:13:26We knew it was you, yeah.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- Of course!- It's true that if you ask for an aspirin in France,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30they will, their first action is to...
0:13:30 > 0:13:33- Oh, straight up the bottom. - Is it to get tape worms?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36No, it is a surgical instrument and it was devised for one particular...
0:13:36 > 0:13:37- What's our theme this evening? - Kings.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40- Who's the most famous king of France?- Louis the XIV.
0:13:40 > 0:13:42Louis the XIV, the Sun King.
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- Yes.- And he was very fond of riding, and enemas,
0:13:45 > 0:13:47- as they all were in those days. - Was he constipated often?
0:13:47 > 0:13:50It was worse than that, he developed a condition which has
0:13:50 > 0:13:51a particular name. And...
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Faecal concreting.
0:13:53 > 0:13:55It's in the faecal area.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57I don't know, I just made it up.
0:13:57 > 0:14:02It's when a duct appears between two organs and connects them, which they
0:14:02 > 0:14:05shouldn't be connected, it causes great pain and it's called?
0:14:05 > 0:14:09That's a hernia. Ask, ask rib-cage man, he'll know.
0:14:09 > 0:14:10It means a little pipe and it is?
0:14:10 > 0:14:12- Fistula.- Fistula.- Fistula.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15- They're very good, this audience. - Yeah.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18Are we doing QI Historical Embarrassing Bodies?
0:14:18 > 0:14:22Anyway, Louis XIV had a terrible fistula, and his doctor...
0:14:22 > 0:14:26- Oh, no. - That's the dilator.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Oh, no.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32- That's to dilate.- That's what they used for the common man!- No.
0:14:32 > 0:14:34The king had to have that too, he had to dilate it with that.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36I'm afraid that would have hurt a lot.
0:14:36 > 0:14:39Yes, but you still haven't got to why he'd want to put a cobra up his bottom.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42That was to pierce and slice the fistula.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44What?!
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- Yeah. And it worked. - Really?- It worked.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50So Felix de Tassy, the doctor, was given
0:14:50 > 0:14:53an estate and became hugely popular and no less than 30 courtiers,
0:14:53 > 0:14:56mimicking the King, said, "Yeah, I've got one of those too."
0:14:56 > 0:14:58You know, it's a really cool thing to have,
0:14:58 > 0:15:01suddenly having a fistula was the thing at Versailles.
0:15:01 > 0:15:04So he had this huge order book, basically. But to be fair to him,
0:15:04 > 0:15:07he didn't perform the operation on anyone who didn't need it, he was good enough
0:15:07 > 0:15:10to spot when people were faking, just by trying to mimic a king.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12What is the instrument on the left? Does that have a name?
0:15:12 > 0:15:15I don't know if it actually has a name, I guess it's a fistula...
0:15:15 > 0:15:17It's called a...AAAGH!
0:15:19 > 0:15:22APPLAUSE
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Moving on. What has 20 legs,
0:15:29 > 0:15:32five heads and can't reach its own nuts?
0:15:34 > 0:15:36Wait, hold on. 20 legs, what?
0:15:36 > 0:15:38- Five heads.- Five heads.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Westlife.
0:15:40 > 0:15:46Oh, you're so lucky. You're so lucky.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47I know what the klaxon was.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49I presume the klaxon... Shall I?
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- Yeah, go on.- One Direction?
0:15:51 > 0:15:54- KLAXON - Whoa!
0:15:54 > 0:15:58I've thought, I've got to go somewhere a little bit away...
0:15:58 > 0:16:01You're so behind, Jeremy, it's very sweet.
0:16:01 > 0:16:05Some kind of hideously mutated tyrannosaurus squirrel.
0:16:05 > 0:16:07- It's got the word king in it, oddly enough, and it's... - Is it a plant?
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- It sounds like a gypsy band, but it's the Squirrel Kings. - Squirrel Kings.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- What would Squirrel Kings be? - The best squirrels.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Well, oddly enough, no, it's really unfortunate, normally
0:16:16 > 0:16:21they squirm around on the trees, but sometimes trees exude a sticky sap.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- Yes.- And when that happens and the baby squirrels
0:16:24 > 0:16:26get their tails in the sticky sap, their tails get stuck together
0:16:26 > 0:16:29and you can get this, where they're absolutely stuck together.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30AUDIENCE: Aww!
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Oh, that's fucking hysterical.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37APPLAUSE
0:16:37 > 0:16:39Seriously, they get stuck together?!
0:16:42 > 0:16:45You are so bad. The audience goes, "Aww!"
0:16:45 > 0:16:49It's not... That's the funniest thing I've ever heard of.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52And they're never going to be organised enough to all say
0:16:52 > 0:16:54"Right, ready, steady, all run off in different directions."
0:16:54 > 0:16:58- They'll never be able to do that. - I'm afraid they will all perish.
0:16:58 > 0:17:02If you saw the damage squirrels do... They are appalling rats.
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Talking of rats, people call them tree rats,
0:17:04 > 0:17:07and the phenomenon was first spotted in rats in Germany and in museums
0:17:07 > 0:17:10and universities in Germany there are examples of huge rat kings,
0:17:10 > 0:17:13where rats have been shoved together and preserved in alcohol.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15That's a vast one - pretty disgusting-looking, as you can see.
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Which trees? Are they lime trees that cause this?
0:17:18 > 0:17:21I want to know specifically. Is it a lime tree?
0:17:21 > 0:17:24- Just one that exudes a lot of sticky sap will do you.- Lime.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27Lime does exude a lot of stuff, and some trees, of course, exude a lot.
0:17:27 > 0:17:31- How do the tails get stuck together? - In the rats' case, I don't know...
0:17:31 > 0:17:33Not the rats, no, I'm more interested in the squirrels.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35- Why would they... - I'm not going to be the one
0:17:35 > 0:17:37who teaches you to murder squirrels.
0:17:37 > 0:17:42It's not murder, it's pest control for the sake of Britain's woodland.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44They go up the tree and they get it on their tail?
0:17:44 > 0:17:46- What makes them go near another one? - They wriggle over each other
0:17:46 > 0:17:49looking for their mother's milk, they're at that stage.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- They're baby squirrels?- Yes, they're babies.- Oh, that's a bit sad.
0:17:52 > 0:17:53LAUGHTER
0:17:53 > 0:17:55Oh, he has got a heart, ladies and gentlemen.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57Yeah.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Oh, yeah, we'll catch you in a minute.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01You'll be caught on camera smearing Pritt on the bumper of your car.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04LAUGHTER
0:18:04 > 0:18:09All right. Now how could King's Cross Station possibly be improved?
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Turn it into a car park.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12Turn it into a car park!
0:18:12 > 0:18:14- A Wagamama's. - LAUGHTER
0:18:14 > 0:18:17This was a plan in 1931.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18Oh, to improve it?
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- Was it the Germans' plan?- It was the age of optimism and pride
0:18:21 > 0:18:23and speed and machinery and, oh...
0:18:23 > 0:18:24Was it a bit after that?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26So it was the roof... Yeah...
0:18:26 > 0:18:28- Glass. Crystal.- The roof was flat.
0:18:28 > 0:18:30- Runway.- Yes!
0:18:30 > 0:18:32It was to have an inner airport for London...
0:18:32 > 0:18:34- No way, what, land...?- ..on the roof of King's Cross.
0:18:34 > 0:18:36- And look at that design.- What?!
0:18:36 > 0:18:39Why is Boris Johnson messing around with the Thames Estuary
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- when we could have one there?- Isn't that brilliant?- It's brilliant
0:18:42 > 0:18:45apart from whoever's in the middle where there'll be some traffic.
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- It's controlled.- I can see where the crashes are going to take place.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52It's controlled. You have radio.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Wait a minute. That's a device for gluing squirrels' tails together.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- That would be... Wouldn't that be great?- Isn't it? So great, isn't it?
0:18:58 > 0:19:00And obviously the jet era would have got rid of it,
0:19:00 > 0:19:02they're not long enough for jet runways,
0:19:02 > 0:19:04but they are long enough for ordinary prop airplanes.
0:19:04 > 0:19:07- Light aircraft could land. - They could.- People could commute
0:19:07 > 0:19:09- to London and it would be great. - I know. Really great.
0:19:09 > 0:19:12And they had elevators designed so the airplanes
0:19:12 > 0:19:14would be hangared in, and then lifted up.
0:19:14 > 0:19:15That's not just form 4B homework.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17- They took it seriously. - That was serious?
0:19:17 > 0:19:20Yeah. It is lovely, isn't it? I'm very impressed with it.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Quite difficult to land on a kind of a bend, though, isn't it, like that?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26- I think you use the straight bits. - LAUGHTER
0:19:26 > 0:19:29That would have been an amazing pilot's last words.
0:19:29 > 0:19:32"This is tricky!"
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Now, kingfishers - most of the kingfishers in the world
0:19:37 > 0:19:39live near what?
0:19:39 > 0:19:43- Water.- Rivers.- Well, no, they don't. - Forests.- Kingfishers?
0:19:43 > 0:19:46No, most of the kingfishers in Britain live near water.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48- But most of the kingfishers in the world don't.- Sea?
0:19:48 > 0:19:50No. Not near water at all.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53- Why are they called kingfishers? - That's a British word for them.
0:19:53 > 0:19:55Because we in Britain see them by the river.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58They're called kingfishers all over the world.
0:19:58 > 0:19:59No, they're called "alkuon" in Greek.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01What do you think we call them...?
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- The Greek for kingfisher? - Halcyon, exactly,
0:20:03 > 0:20:05- but it doesn't mean "fisher". - There it is, fishing.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07It's... In Britain.
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- Sorry, why does it...? - Fishing again.- In Britain.
0:20:10 > 0:20:15- In Britain.- The evidence is there behind you.
0:20:15 > 0:20:19- In Britain.- No, but if you go to... - Go to Africa.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22- Somewhere that isn't Britain. - Africa.- For example.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25I've seen a kingfisher not anywhere near a river, you're right.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28- In Africa...- They're mostly all like this.
0:20:28 > 0:20:30Mostly in Africa they live in disused termite nests.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- It looked lost. - They live in disused termite nests.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- "You haven't got a fish on you, Bill, have you?"- Yes.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39"I mean, you haven't seen a river round here, have you?
0:20:39 > 0:20:40"Water or anything?"
0:20:40 > 0:20:43What is the colour of that kingfisher?
0:20:43 > 0:20:46- It's turquoisey really, isn't it? - Azure? Turquoise?
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- It's brown.- It's brown?- Yeah.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51This programme's getting more and more ridiculous every week.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53It is a sort of optical illusion.
0:20:53 > 0:20:57In fact, the actual colour pigment is brown,
0:20:57 > 0:20:58but it iridesces it.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02I must remember, I'll go to the middle of the Sahara Desert and get
0:21:02 > 0:21:05one and then put it in a darkened room and see what colour it is.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Yeah. Perfect. Just because it's not near a river
0:21:08 > 0:21:10- doesn't mean it's in the Sahara Desert.- It eats fish.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Are you saying that the colour it is isn't the colour
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- that it appears to be?- No, because all colour is perception.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20But that's kind of what I meant by colour.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- Yeah. But the... - That's a bluey colour, that fella.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25But if you examine it, in terms of its actual pigmentation...
0:21:25 > 0:21:27- Right up close.- Right up close,
0:21:27 > 0:21:30rather than where it is presenting with the light striking it.
0:21:30 > 0:21:33- Oh, right, so if I examine it without any light.- No.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Oh, that feels brown.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38I just don't understand when you do this on this show,
0:21:38 > 0:21:40you go, "That brown thing is a blue thing
0:21:40 > 0:21:42"and that blue thing is a brown thing."
0:21:42 > 0:21:45I know, but iridescence is a very particular quality -
0:21:45 > 0:21:48in the same way that petrol is not rainbow-coloured.
0:21:48 > 0:21:52You put it on water in a puddle and it seems to be, but it's not.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54- It's pink. - Nobody knows what colour petrol is.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58- Well, quite, exactly.- Yeah, that's right. It could be any colour.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00No-one has ever checked.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Nobody's ever gone, "What colour is this?"
0:22:02 > 0:22:05They used to have pink or blue diesel, didn't they, for farmers?
0:22:05 > 0:22:09Red diesel. Which you're not allowed to put in your car, and I don't.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11No. Quite right.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15Evading tax, Jeremy, it's a slippery slope.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17All right.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Just saying.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25OK, how many King Henrys of England have there been?
0:22:25 > 0:22:27ORNATE FLOURISH
0:22:30 > 0:22:31- Say it.- Eight!- No!
0:22:31 > 0:22:32KLAXON BLARES
0:22:34 > 0:22:35There were nine, in fact.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38Henry II had a son, who was known as Young King Henry,
0:22:38 > 0:22:42who according to the French tradition was anointed King
0:22:42 > 0:22:44while Henry II, his father, was still alive.
0:22:44 > 0:22:49And so he wasn't given the reginal number III, but he was King,
0:22:49 > 0:22:53and he died at age 27 or so and he was quite an amusing fellow.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56He was very popular, he died young, but when he was 17,
0:22:56 > 0:22:59he...he got in trouble with his father for refusing to turn up home
0:22:59 > 0:23:01at the castle for Christmas.
0:23:01 > 0:23:04Instead, he held a feast in Normandy in which he invited
0:23:04 > 0:23:08only knights whose name was William.
0:23:09 > 0:23:11It's a randomly peculiar thing to do.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14So he was actually Henry, the second and a half.
0:23:14 > 0:23:15Yeah, kind of, yeah.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17I love the idea of that party, though.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19He's been to so many fancy events, he's gone,
0:23:19 > 0:23:22"I can't remember everyone's name. I just want Williams."
0:23:22 > 0:23:25And he arrived and went, "Hello, William. All right, William?
0:23:25 > 0:23:26- "William."- "Bill, Bill, Bill."
0:23:26 > 0:23:29Saves you having to bother with the name,
0:23:29 > 0:23:30like the Beefsteak Club in London,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33where all the staff are called Charles, whatever their names,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36so people go, "Hello, Charles, I thought Charles would be here."
0:23:36 > 0:23:38"No, milord, Charles is ill, so Charles is here."
0:23:38 > 0:23:40- Is this a real place? - It is a real place
0:23:40 > 0:23:43- called the Beefsteak Club, yeah. - You're a member of that?- I am, yes.
0:23:48 > 0:23:50It's very old and very good fun.
0:23:53 > 0:23:54Don't mock me.
0:23:54 > 0:23:58Yeah, we just go to a caff, but, yeah.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00That makes you more real.
0:24:00 > 0:24:04"Charles, oh, Charles, yes, Charles, tea please, two teas," you know.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07The staff from there are probably watching this, going,
0:24:07 > 0:24:08"Oh, it's that Stephen Fry,
0:24:08 > 0:24:11"he thinks everyone's called Charles. Bloody idiot."
0:24:11 > 0:24:12We can't just tell him now.
0:24:12 > 0:24:14Someone's just told you that the first day you arrived.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16It's a practical joke on you.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18- All right.- Did they also ask you to go for a long wait?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20No, they didn't.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Name the Queen's official residence.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26ORNATE FLOURISH
0:24:26 > 0:24:27- I'll go Balmoral.- Ah!
0:24:27 > 0:24:29KLAXON BLARES
0:24:35 > 0:24:372A Pall Mall.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41- 2A Pall Mall, SW1.- Yeah.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42No.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44ORNATE FLOURISH
0:24:44 > 0:24:48I'm going to say official residence, Buckingham Palace.
0:24:48 > 0:24:49KLAXON BLARES
0:24:49 > 0:24:51- I meant Windsor Castle.- No!
0:24:51 > 0:24:52KLAXON BLARES
0:24:56 > 0:24:58A submarine is sinking somewhere.
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- Yeah.- Berlin.- Jeremy Klaxon.
0:25:00 > 0:25:04- Sandringham?- Sorry?- Sandringham?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06Oh, Alanny-wallany-woo. Not Sandringham.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07KLAXON BLARES
0:25:09 > 0:25:11I'm feeling left out.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13I wonder why there's three different pictures.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- It's 3A.- It isn't...
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Center Parcs, Surrey. I don't know.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20The Eagle's Nest.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Does she have a static caravan?
0:25:22 > 0:25:25If you are the American Ambassador, you present your credentials to?
0:25:25 > 0:25:27- It's actually the Queen... - The court of...?
0:25:27 > 0:25:30- St James's Palace, is that her official...?- The right answer!
0:25:30 > 0:25:33- If only I could award you more points...- I wish I didn't have
0:25:33 > 0:25:35this speech impediment that made Buckingham sound...
0:25:35 > 0:25:38St James's Palace is the official residence of the monarch,
0:25:38 > 0:25:40although she does, of course, spend most of her time in her second,
0:25:40 > 0:25:42third, fourth, fifth homes.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45OK, it's time for a little experiment.
0:25:45 > 0:25:49- Here's some potassium iodide. It's a catalyst.- Oooh!- Yes!
0:25:49 > 0:25:52My experiment also involves me having,
0:25:52 > 0:25:54for health and safety reasons, to wear these.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Cowabunga, dude, you look awesome!
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Tell us, O mighty king.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01ALL: Oooh!
0:26:01 > 0:26:05- Oh, stop it, no!- I can tell from that sample you've had asparagus.
0:26:06 > 0:26:07Well...
0:26:09 > 0:26:13..what that is, is H2O2. Does anyone know what H2O2 is?
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- Water water.- Yes. Double water.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18It's H2O, it's water with an extra oxygen molecule,
0:26:18 > 0:26:20but it has a different name.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Hydrogen peroxide.
0:26:21 > 0:26:26They're a good audience. Well, that's partly because three quarters
0:26:26 > 0:26:28of the women have got blonde hair.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30But it's quite unstable and it's always trying to
0:26:30 > 0:26:34lose its extra molecule and turn to water and to oxygen gas.
0:26:34 > 0:26:38And we've mixed it here with some ordinary detergent,
0:26:38 > 0:26:40some washing-up liquid.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42So could you go and stand next to Bill?
0:26:42 > 0:26:45- It's not really violent, let's just say...- Well, why...?
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Let's just say...
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Hang on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51What? When? What am I, a human shield or something?
0:26:51 > 0:26:54It's all right, you're this side of him, it's not that violent.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Stephen, you don't seem too concerned about my safety.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59You can stand next to Jeremy, that's a good point.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01It's that much nearer Alan.
0:27:01 > 0:27:05It's really, you'll see, it's not going to be dangerous.
0:27:05 > 0:27:10- It isn't dangerous.- It might be dangerous.- It isn't.- Just hold me.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12It's basically...
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Do you want to sit on my knee?
0:27:15 > 0:27:18- Don't stop, I liked it. - Here we go, are you ready?
0:27:18 > 0:27:19Do you want to count me down, audience?
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Count me down from three. Three...
0:27:21 > 0:27:24- Oh, what comes next? - AUDIENCE: Two...
0:27:24 > 0:27:25one!
0:27:25 > 0:27:26LONE AUDIENCE MEMBER: Zero.
0:27:26 > 0:27:27GASPING
0:27:27 > 0:27:29APPLAUSE
0:27:29 > 0:27:32- Oh, very good.- There you go.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35And so...
0:27:35 > 0:27:39That's quite a money shot!
0:27:40 > 0:27:44Stephen, are you suggesting if I get some of that potassium...?
0:27:44 > 0:27:46That that will really make you perform in bed? No.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50- Well...- That's amazing! - ..that magnificent...
0:27:53 > 0:27:55- Whoa, it's still... - Oh, yeah, that's it, baby.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01It's a rather horrible yellow at the edges, though, isn't it?
0:28:01 > 0:28:04Yeah, it does get like that! Do you know what? I've been away.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07Anyway, that brings us to the final scores, while it's still flowing.
0:28:07 > 0:28:09And...let's have a look here.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12I'll have to hurry you, because you're going to be invisible.
0:28:12 > 0:28:16In last place, with minus 38 points, it's Jeremy Klaxon.
0:28:16 > 0:28:19APPLAUSE
0:28:21 > 0:28:25Second equal...second equal,
0:28:25 > 0:28:27with minus 19, Bill and Jimmy.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30APPLAUSE
0:28:30 > 0:28:31APPLAUSE OVER SPEECH
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Do my eyes deceive me?
0:28:33 > 0:28:39Tonight's runaway winner with minus 18, Alan Davies!
0:28:39 > 0:28:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:45 > 0:28:49Though the unquestionably knowledgeable audience
0:28:49 > 0:28:52takes the ultimate palm with plus eight!
0:28:55 > 0:28:59So from Jimmy, Jeremy, Bill, Alan and me,
0:28:59 > 0:29:00good night.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd