0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Gooooooood evening,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:38 > 0:00:41good evening and welcome to QI, where tonight's theme is Killers.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45And our keen ktenologists - look it up - are...
0:00:45 > 0:00:48the menacing Jason Manford.
0:00:48 > 0:00:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:52 > 0:00:55The merciless Sandi Toksvig.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:57 > 0:01:00The murderous Trevor Noah.
0:01:00 > 0:01:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:03 > 0:01:06And the mostly harmless Alan Davies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:08APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:12 > 0:01:16So, let's hear their homicidal death-knells. Sandi goes...
0:01:16 > 0:01:18CLOCK CHIMES
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Just once. Jason goes...
0:01:21 > 0:01:24CROW CAWS
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Trevor goes...
0:01:25 > 0:01:26KNIVES SCRAPE
0:01:27 > 0:01:29And Alan goes...
0:01:29 > 0:01:34# Killing me softly with his song, killing me softly... #
0:01:34 > 0:01:38Well, it was common in the Second World War, death by Flack.
0:01:38 > 0:01:42So, name the world's second-best hunter.
0:01:42 > 0:01:45I mean, human beings must be the first, surely.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48We get rid of entire species without any trouble at all.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50- Which one is that? - Second-best hunter...
0:01:50 > 0:01:52- Do you recognise him? - Hemingway.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54That's Hemingway, he was mad on hunting.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56And man is indeed the most efficient,
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- we wipe out whole species. - Yes, so who's second?
0:01:58 > 0:02:00- Sharks.- Killer whale.
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- I always get... - Killer whale is the right answer.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Very good.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09He's even got it in his name.
0:02:09 > 0:02:12That's how successful he is, he even called himself a killer.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14He's even got the word killer in his name, you're right.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16And the point about the killer whale is firstly,
0:02:16 > 0:02:21that they're misnamed, that it was the Spanish name for them,
0:02:21 > 0:02:23which we misinterpreted as killer whale.
0:02:23 > 0:02:27They're actually whale killers. They kill whales.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31I've seen a documentary where they pursued a mother and a baby.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33Grey whale, yeah.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36- For hundreds of miles.- Up the coast of California, probably.
0:02:36 > 0:02:41Two or three of them, and eventually they get too tired to fend them off
0:02:41 > 0:02:43and then they eat the baby whale.
0:02:43 > 0:02:47I know, the point is they act in packs. And they're not whales.
0:02:47 > 0:02:48They're people.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52Can you tell from, almost from the arcing leap that he's making?
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- It's a dolphin. - It's a dolphin.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58They are dolphins that really, really are very intelligent.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00And they have an amazing way of attacking their prey.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04And apart from whales, they're particularly fond of a juicy...?
0:03:04 > 0:03:07- Seals. They eat... - Yeah, they love their seals.
0:03:07 > 0:03:10But what's so impressive is the technique they use
0:03:10 > 0:03:12- and also how they...- Well, they beach themselves, don't they,
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- they actually...- That's one way,
0:03:14 > 0:03:15is they actually get them on land, yeah.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18But there's an even more impressive way, which is they
0:03:18 > 0:03:20try and tilt the little ice flow that the seals will be on...
0:03:20 > 0:03:23- Knock them off.- And if the ice flow is too big,
0:03:23 > 0:03:26they line up in a row with a leader who sort of blows a signal.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28The young ones watch and they literally,
0:03:28 > 0:03:31they sort of check that the young ones are watching so they learn
0:03:31 > 0:03:34the technique, and then line abreast, they charge the ice flow,
0:03:34 > 0:03:39creating a bow wave, which goes over the ice flow so the seal falls off.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42We can show you that. Here they are.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44There you are, there's the line of them.
0:03:44 > 0:03:46And there's... The wave is going to go right over the...woof!
0:03:46 > 0:03:50Knock the poor thing off.
0:03:50 > 0:03:54- But it's very cunning.- And sad. - And sad, it's true.
0:03:54 > 0:03:57- Clever.- But damn, it's clever.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Also, as you rightly said, they do attack on land,
0:04:02 > 0:04:05that's to say they come precariously close to beaching themselves.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07They're always in disguise then, aren't they,
0:04:07 > 0:04:10- they wear hats and scarves. - They look like lifeguards.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12- Seal moustaches.- Two of them standing on each other's shoulders
0:04:12 > 0:04:15- with a long coat.- We can see them doing it actually,
0:04:15 > 0:04:18we've got a little bit of footage of the attack of the orca
0:04:18 > 0:04:19on the poor old...
0:04:19 > 0:04:22The seals think, "We're safe now..." Oh, no.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Ooh.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27But, oh...
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Well, it's in there somewhere. Oh, there we go.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33You should voice-over more wildlife documentaries.
0:04:37 > 0:04:38That one got away.
0:04:41 > 0:04:45Bizarrely enough, I did voice-over one called Ocean Giants,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48which was about dolphins and whales, yeah, precisely.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52But fortunately it wasn't quite such a vague script.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57I did a show for the BBC called Walk On The Wild Side.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59Oh, yes, I did one of those, yeah.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01And you did, you played a panda, I think, that was over-eating
0:05:01 > 0:05:05or something. And we also had Sir Tom Jones do one.
0:05:05 > 0:05:07And everyone, like yourself, we just sent them the script
0:05:07 > 0:05:10and you know, it takes two minutes just to record it
0:05:10 > 0:05:11and send it back in. And Tom Jones,
0:05:11 > 0:05:13we just got a phone call one day in the studio,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16and he said, "I've been, I've been sent this script
0:05:16 > 0:05:18"saying you want me to play a lion." I was like, "Yeah, that's right."
0:05:18 > 0:05:21He went, "I don't really like lions." And I was like, "What?"
0:05:21 > 0:05:22Like...
0:05:22 > 0:05:24and I said, "Well, we're recording tomorrow,
0:05:24 > 0:05:26"is there any animal you'd prefer?"
0:05:26 > 0:05:29He went, "I'm a big fan of the penguin."
0:05:30 > 0:05:34I had, like, 24 hours to write a penguin sketch.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Did it sing, the penguin? Did you get it to sing?
0:05:36 > 0:05:39- No, it was just, it was a penguin... - It did when he'd finished with it.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Well, there you are. Killer whales, they're not whales,
0:05:42 > 0:05:43but they are killers.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Now, how can a bottle of whisky save your life?
0:05:46 > 0:05:47Aah.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Well, in a fight, I'm assuming.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Is it the bottle or the contents?
0:05:51 > 0:05:53It's the contents, ingestion of whisky.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56Well, if you suffer trauma and you've got ethanol
0:05:56 > 0:05:59in your system, presumably you're going to be better off. Presumably...
0:05:59 > 0:06:01Shut up, how did you know that?!
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Because I've had a lot of trauma while drunk.
0:06:14 > 0:06:15You are absolutely right.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18There is a documented case where it was literally a bottle of whisky.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20There was a New Zealand chef called Duthie,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23who went on a vodka binge, and he went blind.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25He was literally blind drunk.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28They think it was because he was on diabetic medication,
0:06:28 > 0:06:31and that this basically turned it all into formaldehyde,
0:06:31 > 0:06:35which can cause blindness, as well as preserving you very nicely.
0:06:36 > 0:06:40And the usual thing is to put someone on an ethanol drip.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43They didn't have any medical ethanol in this particular hospital,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45but they did have an offy, so they went and got a bottle
0:06:45 > 0:06:49of Johnnie Walker Black Label, and they put him on a drip,
0:06:49 > 0:06:52and five days later, he woke up with sight fully restored.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- Wow!- Wow.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57- On a whisky drip.- It was a whisky drip, literally a bottle of whisky.
0:06:57 > 0:07:00- Sounds like a good name for a pub, doesn't it?- It does, actually.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02- The Whisky Drip. - I think it's a fact,
0:07:02 > 0:07:05if you have an accident or a serious injury and you're drunk at the time,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08you're probably more likely to recover than if you are...
0:07:08 > 0:07:09Shut up again!
0:07:09 > 0:07:12..sober. Oh, sorry.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Did you sneak into my dressing rooms and look at my cards?
0:07:15 > 0:07:19No, no, no! I mean, I know this, I wrote a play,
0:07:19 > 0:07:22which was a lot about soldiers and how they deal with things.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24And some of the soldiers who were intoxicated at the time
0:07:24 > 0:07:26of the battle did better, they recovered better.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Well, you're absolutely right. Did you know this?
0:07:29 > 0:07:31TREVOR: I always knew about the rag doll effect,
0:07:31 > 0:07:33if you have the alcohol and then if you fall or if you're in a
0:07:33 > 0:07:35car accident, because you don't brace,
0:07:35 > 0:07:39it's the same as a baby, if you drop babies, they're fine, they just...
0:07:41 > 0:07:43So if you're drunk, that's why you recover quicker,
0:07:43 > 0:07:46because you just don't brace and then it just goes through you.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48Do you think they probably end up in more situations
0:07:48 > 0:07:50where you're likely to get hurt, so...?
0:07:50 > 0:07:52That is true, because...
0:07:52 > 0:07:54You get other injuries, you get other DRIs, don't you,
0:07:54 > 0:07:57- Drink Related Injuries.- DRIs, I like the fact you know that.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- That's a bit disturbing. - Yeah, well, a friend I know...
0:08:00 > 0:08:03All right, we've got Mr Davies presenting with a DRI again.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06I had a friend who had a great DRI where he managed to get home,
0:08:06 > 0:08:10against all odds, and then fell asleep against a radiator.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12Oh!
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- Quite a nasty burn on his arm, he had.- Yeah.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17There was like a practical joke, like kids did,
0:08:17 > 0:08:21when I was growing up, which was to fill a ball, a football,
0:08:21 > 0:08:24up with cement, for example, you know, from somebody's garden...
0:08:24 > 0:08:27- Oh, wow!- You fill a football and leave it outside a pub.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29And drunk men cannot resist.
0:08:29 > 0:08:30Oh, Jesus!
0:08:32 > 0:08:35They just can't resist a football.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37"I've got this one, Dave!"
0:08:37 > 0:08:38Oh, argh!
0:08:38 > 0:08:40- That is the...- It's a hell of a practical joke, but it's...
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- Especially if you put a goalpost on the wall.- Yeah.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50But this is extraordinary, all I have to do is fill in the dots here.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52It was Lee Friedman of the University of Illinois in Chicago
0:08:52 > 0:08:54who spent 14 years examining this effect.
0:08:54 > 0:08:58He analysed the blood alcohol of 190,000 trauma patients.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00He found that with the exception of burns,
0:09:00 > 0:09:03death rates from all types of traumatic injury fell as
0:09:03 > 0:09:06blood alcohol levels rose, which is extraordinary, isn't it.
0:09:06 > 0:09:08190,000 seems like an enormous number of...
0:09:08 > 0:09:10It's a big cohort, as they would say, isn't it, exactly,
0:09:10 > 0:09:12which makes it quite a respected study.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15Amongst the extremely drunk, mortality rates were cut by
0:09:15 > 0:09:17nearly 50%. Gunshot and stab victims, however,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20showed the greatest benefit, which wouldn't be the ragdoll effect,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23- I don't suppose.- There's some kind of anaesthetic element to it, really.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27There is the anaesthetic element, which I suppose makes you behave
0:09:27 > 0:09:29less dramatically in a way that increases blood flow.
0:09:29 > 0:09:31Yeah... "Oh! I'm bleeding!"
0:09:31 > 0:09:35- You say, "Oh, look at that." - "Oh, no! Oh, no!
0:09:35 > 0:09:36"Awww.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39"Must've been shot!
0:09:41 > 0:09:43"Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:09:45 > 0:09:47"Oh, I'd better just have a short.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51"And then I think I'll go to hospital,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54"it's going to be so busy on a weekend."
0:09:54 > 0:09:57"One more Jager Bomb couldn't do any harm, could it?"
0:09:57 > 0:09:59"Well, this isn't going to wait..."
0:09:59 > 0:10:00Yeah, exactly.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02"Come on, let's go to hospital.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05"They've got a bar, they'll have a bar there."
0:10:05 > 0:10:07"Hobs, hobsital."
0:10:07 > 0:10:09"I'm fine. I've been shot, but I'm fine."
0:10:13 > 0:10:16Amongst drivers, however, you were two-to-four times more likely to die
0:10:16 > 0:10:20in a car crash, or of a car crash, as it were, involved in a car crash.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23But I think you've covered everything quite brilliantly.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24There's the ragdoll effect
0:10:24 > 0:10:27and there seems to be an improvement in recovery from trauma.
0:10:27 > 0:10:30So if you think you're going to get shot or stabbed, get drunk first.
0:10:30 > 0:10:34Now, you use a silver bullet for...?
0:10:34 > 0:10:36- Vampires.- You could try it on a vampire,
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I don't think it would do any good. Got to be a werewolf.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Or silver does, or silver...
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- Oh, is silver good for vampires? - Silver's good for vampires.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45- Are these real now?- You're very knowledgeable about this.
0:10:45 > 0:10:47The reality of vampires.
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Because part of the myth was that the silver came from the coins
0:10:50 > 0:10:52- that Judas got, you remember. - Yes, 30 pieces.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55The first vampire came from Judas when he was,
0:10:55 > 0:10:57when he hung himself after Jesus...
0:10:57 > 0:10:58SANDI: Did he turn into a vampire?
0:10:58 > 0:11:01TREVOR: Well, they say that Judas became the first vampire,
0:11:01 > 0:11:03and then the silver burns them
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- because that's what they gave Judas to betray.- The silver pieces.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08He got the silver pieces. So that's why it's silver for all of them,
0:11:08 > 0:11:12but you want a bullet for a wolf because they're fast.
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Vampires, just, the gun is useless, so...
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Well, that's covered the vampire side of the question
0:11:22 > 0:11:25quite perfectly. But the square bullet, on the other hand,
0:11:25 > 0:11:27these don't need to be silver.
0:11:27 > 0:11:28Against who would...
0:11:28 > 0:11:32I think this is... I think this is a very old gun
0:11:32 > 0:11:34and I think it's something politically incorrect.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- Is that right?- Again, yeah. You've been...
0:11:36 > 0:11:39I'm going to test my cards for your DNA and fingerprints.
0:11:39 > 0:11:41No, it's the... I'm slightly distracted
0:11:41 > 0:11:43cos that so looks like a woman I went out with, but...
0:11:55 > 0:11:58Every morning I'd say the word orthodontist.
0:11:58 > 0:12:00I don't think any man would ask for oral sex
0:12:00 > 0:12:03from that particular werewolf, to be perfectly honest.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05I think that would be a risk.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08You're right, it was designed in the early part of the 18th century,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- in fact in 1718.- I think it was to kill Turks.- Turks.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Turks, but most specifically Muslims, I think.
0:12:13 > 0:12:15The square bullet was to show them how great Christianity was.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18I think that was the kind of plan behind the square bullet.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19There was a specific gun...
0:12:19 > 0:12:21It was called the Puckle Gun.
0:12:21 > 0:12:25- Puckle Gun, James Puckle. - James Puckle, invented it in 1718,
0:12:25 > 0:12:30and his idea was that you used the round bullets for Christians,
0:12:30 > 0:12:32and the square bullets were for the Ottoman Turks.
0:12:32 > 0:12:34Quite a good idea, the square bullet,
0:12:34 > 0:12:36because if you drop one, it won't roll away.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38There is, however, a bad side to it.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40You can't rifle a square bullet,
0:12:40 > 0:12:42and it's the rifling that gives it accuracy through the air.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44So are they a bit rubbish, the square bullets?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47It makes it spin and go fast. It would just go wobble, wobble,
0:12:47 > 0:12:49wobble, wobble, wouldn't hit anybody.
0:12:49 > 0:12:50So if you were a Turk or a Muslim,
0:12:50 > 0:12:52you'd be encouraging the square bullet.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54"I think you should definitely use the square ones on us."
0:12:54 > 0:12:57It was supposed to show the benefits of Christianity,
0:12:57 > 0:13:00in fact it showed, it inferred, the deficiency of James Puckle's ideas
0:13:00 > 0:13:01of aerodynamics and rifling.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03You might hit a Christian!
0:13:03 > 0:13:05You might accidentally hit a Christian.
0:13:05 > 0:13:08It's not really right to call it the first machine gun,
0:13:08 > 0:13:11but it was three times faster to load and fire
0:13:11 > 0:13:13than the current musket.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17It was nine rounds a minute, which wasn't bad for 1718.
0:13:17 > 0:13:21It's interesting, cos I guess technically the first bulletproof
0:13:21 > 0:13:25vests were created by the Zulus, when they were fighting the British.
0:13:25 > 0:13:29And Shaka discovered that if you dip your leather shield in water
0:13:29 > 0:13:33before you go into battle, then the pellets couldn't penetrate.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- Oh, is it really, was that...? - Yeah, yeah, that's...
0:13:35 > 0:13:38- It hardened the leather that much. - Yeah, and that's how the Zulus
0:13:38 > 0:13:40could kill so many. Because what will happen is,
0:13:40 > 0:13:43they only needed one bullet and then they would advance so quickly
0:13:43 > 0:13:45that then they would kill five or six British people
0:13:45 > 0:13:47before they could reload.
0:13:47 > 0:13:49Do you have Zulu blood in you?
0:13:49 > 0:13:52I do, I guess, yes, because (CLICKS TONGUE) Xhosa people are of the Zulus.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- Oh, you're Xhosa, oh, do that again, I love that.- Yes, I'm half Xhosa.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57- Oh, do it again.- Xhosa. Xhosa. - I can't do that.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59It's given as an exclamation mark, isn't it?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01No, that's the X, so there's three clicks,
0:14:01 > 0:14:02there's the X, which is the click-click,
0:14:02 > 0:14:04and then there's the Q,
0:14:04 > 0:14:05and then there's the C, which is...
0:14:05 > 0:14:07So those are the three different...
0:14:07 > 0:14:09- Oh, it's just... I love that. - So, like, that's the...
0:14:09 > 0:14:11- You've seduced me. - Oh, thank you.
0:14:12 > 0:14:14Not that you wanted to, I'm sure.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Who was that wonderful... Was it Miriam Makeba who sang...
0:14:17 > 0:14:19TREVOR: Yes, The Click Song. It goes...
0:14:19 > 0:14:20HE SINGS THE CLICK SONG
0:14:20 > 0:14:22- That's the song.- Oooooh!
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Yeah, so the Xhosas were technically...
0:14:31 > 0:14:33they were basically pacifists of the Zulus, you know,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36- they were chased out, they separated from the tribe.- Right.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38So they weren't as... Like, the Zulus were really our pride...
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- The Zulus were very martial. - In terms of military,
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- they are our pride and joy, they are...- With the assegais...
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Yeah. Everything they did was revolutionary, just like the first...
0:14:46 > 0:14:48They were the first ones with the shortened spear,
0:14:48 > 0:14:51so Shaka invented a spear that was quicker to stab with
0:14:51 > 0:14:53and not as cumbersome to lug around.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55- Right, like a sort of javelin... - Yes, yes, yes.
0:14:55 > 0:14:58Cos the spear hadn't really been changed over all those years,
0:14:58 > 0:15:00and he... So he changed that, he changed everything.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02- He was one of the best military, you know...- Yeah.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05You guys, if it wasn't for the guns, you guys wouldn't be here.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07I know, we wouldn't have had a chance.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Just do that bit of singing again.
0:15:09 > 0:15:12- With the...? - Just do that bit of singing again.
0:15:12 > 0:15:16SINGS THE CLICK SONG
0:15:16 > 0:15:17That's the song.
0:15:17 > 0:15:20You don't know me well, Trevor, but I'm on the turn, I'm telling you.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31You've only got Jason and Alan left to seduce, Trevor, I have to say.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33I think he's a cracking fella.
0:15:36 > 0:15:39Well, there you go, that's your man Puckle and again, well done, Sandi.
0:15:39 > 0:15:41The knowledge, just amazing.
0:15:41 > 0:15:45Now, describe the curriculum at the British Hate Training Academy.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- Oh, dear.- Watching Jeremy Kyle all day and all night.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- Yeah, that would be... - That would be good hate training.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57It would, actually, wouldn't it.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00I would imagine that maybe it's very difficult to get soldiers
0:16:00 > 0:16:02- to hate anybody.- Kill, yeah.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05I would imagine maybe there was some scheme to try and get them...
0:16:05 > 0:16:08In the Second World War, we had hate schools.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12Has there ever been a more pointless padlock in the world?
0:16:17 > 0:16:19"You're not getting my shirts!
0:16:22 > 0:16:24"Back orf!"
0:16:25 > 0:16:27It's a pretty astonishing look, isn't it.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29But, no, Sandi, you're right.
0:16:29 > 0:16:30There were hate schools.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34"These medals are sticking into my chest! Agh!
0:16:40 > 0:16:42"Agh, God!
0:16:42 > 0:16:45"All of them are pinning me in the chest!
0:16:46 > 0:16:48"My hat is too small!
0:16:53 > 0:16:55"Get me a new hat!"
0:16:59 > 0:17:03What do you suppose the chances are of twins getting the same number
0:17:03 > 0:17:04of medals?
0:17:07 > 0:17:08It's a good point.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12Do you know, I've gone deaf in my left ear now.
0:17:12 > 0:17:13Very sorry.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Back to the serious and terrible fact, is that in order
0:17:16 > 0:17:19supposedly to encourage British troops of the Second World War,
0:17:19 > 0:17:23we put them into rooms and showed them appalling atrocities.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Rotting corpses, starving people.
0:17:25 > 0:17:28They were then taken to slaughter houses, where they watched sheep
0:17:28 > 0:17:31being killed and they were smeared with their blood, and made to...
0:17:31 > 0:17:34This was common, though, wasn't it? Because didn't they say to...
0:17:34 > 0:17:38the Viet Cong that the US Marines ate babies, that kind of...
0:17:38 > 0:17:41Oh, it was certainly true that this black propaganda was given out,
0:17:41 > 0:17:45you know, in the First World War the Germans raped nuns and all that.
0:17:45 > 0:17:49But this was actually being made to witness really awful things,
0:17:49 > 0:17:51in order to get your blood up, was the idea.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53But when the papers and the public found out,
0:17:53 > 0:17:54there was an absolute uproar.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58No less a figure than the Bishop of St Albans said,
0:17:58 > 0:18:00"The attempt to inculcate hatred in the fighting forces
0:18:00 > 0:18:03"and civilians is doing the devil's work."
0:18:03 > 0:18:05And General Sir Bernard Paget,
0:18:05 > 0:18:08who was Commander in Chief of the home forces, he agreed.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10He said that hate was foreign to British temperament.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12"And we hate it."
0:18:12 > 0:18:13But it is a, it is a...
0:18:13 > 0:18:15He didn't say that bit.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17It is a very serious issue.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19I think it was after the Second World War,
0:18:19 > 0:18:24they estimated only between 15 and 20% of anybody
0:18:24 > 0:18:27- in any armed force had ever fired their gun.- Yeah.
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- Because mostly people don't want to. - That's right.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33And if they do fire their gun, they tend to try and miss.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37TREVOR: They very famously said the most gentlemanly fighters
0:18:37 > 0:18:39in the wars were the air forces,
0:18:39 > 0:18:43because they almost had an unspoken rule that they wouldn't shoot a plane
0:18:43 > 0:18:44that's already going down.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47And you wouldn't shoot a guy on a parachute either, you would...
0:18:47 > 0:18:50- He's down, he's out, so you wouldn't...- No, never do that.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52And if it was a good fight, and you respected them
0:18:52 > 0:18:55and they were going down, they would do a little wing tip salute
0:18:55 > 0:18:57as they flew away from them, which is just touching.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Yeah, that would be like, "Argh... Oh, that's nice.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01"Argh!
0:19:03 > 0:19:04"Oh, fair enough, right."
0:19:11 > 0:19:14Anyway, which is most dangerous - a thousand bananas,
0:19:14 > 0:19:16half a litre of wine,
0:19:16 > 0:19:211.4 cigarettes or two days in New York?
0:19:21 > 0:19:24You could fall on quite a lot of those banana peels.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26- Slip, yes, you could. You could. - Or spiders inside.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29Yes, you could have a tarantula on the inside, yeah, yeah.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31But they're all quite dangerous, I suppose.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34In fact, we know that they're all equally dangerous.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36- Oh.- And how can we know that?
0:19:36 > 0:19:40Is there a scale of dangerousnessnessness?
0:19:40 > 0:19:43TREVOR: There's the banana-cigarette-New York scale
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- that they generally use. - Exactly. That's the scale.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50Is it about toxins, that you absorb or take in?
0:19:50 > 0:19:54Well, it's a Professor from Stanford called Ronald Howard,
0:19:54 > 0:19:57as long as it's not the guy who was in Happy Days,
0:19:57 > 0:19:58and directed Apollo 13.
0:19:58 > 0:20:02It was in 1968 he developed the micromort.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06And a micromort is a one in a million chance of death.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08So the higher the risk, the more micromorts, obviously,
0:20:08 > 0:20:14so if a million outings on a hang-glider result in eight deaths,
0:20:14 > 0:20:18then there's a fatal risk of eight micromorts attached to hang-gliding.
0:20:18 > 0:20:21- So how many micromorts in a banana? - Well, I'll tell you.
0:20:21 > 0:20:25If you take the normal background risk in the UK,
0:20:25 > 0:20:27it's actually 41.6 micromorts.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29So the chances of sudden death in Britain
0:20:29 > 0:20:33from leading a normal life are about four in 100,000.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36What, four people die unexpectedly from eating a banana?
0:20:36 > 0:20:39No, no, just that's background. This is just background.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40We've not come to the bananas yet.
0:20:40 > 0:20:43Oh, sorry, I'm overexcited.
0:20:43 > 0:20:44Yeah.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47- Your ordinary risk...- Yes.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49..of dying suddenly is four in 100,000.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51- I've got it now.- Right.
0:20:51 > 0:20:55But activities that raise the level of risk...
0:20:57 > 0:20:58- Have you died suddenly? - I died suddenly.
0:20:58 > 0:21:02There you are. Activities that raise the level of risk
0:21:02 > 0:21:06from 41.6 micromorts, which is the average risk we all share,
0:21:06 > 0:21:10by one micromort alone, are smoking 1.4 cigarettes yourself,
0:21:10 > 0:21:13living for two months with someone else who smokes.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Half a litre of wine.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Not doing a wee when you really need one.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22- 1,000 bananas is actually because of their radioactivity.- What?
0:21:22 > 0:21:24- They do contain a lot of potassium. - Ah, yes.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26- But they are faintly radioactive. - Wow.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Very faintly. 40 tablespoons of peanut butter...
0:21:28 > 0:21:31So, I'm still on the bananas, you have to...
0:21:33 > 0:21:35You have to eat a thousand bananas?
0:21:35 > 0:21:38If you ate a thousand bananas, not necessarily all at once,
0:21:38 > 0:21:41- because that would kill you straight away.- Yes.
0:21:41 > 0:21:43Obviously, you would burst.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- The point is, for every thousand bananas you eat...- Yes.
0:21:46 > 0:21:49..your chances of sudden death increase by one micromort,
0:21:49 > 0:21:51- which is... - What is the matter with scientists?!
0:21:51 > 0:21:54Who? Who is going to eat a thousand bananas?
0:21:54 > 0:21:56Why would you even work this out?!
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Over your lifetime. I've eaten a thousand bananas.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- So should you be counting how many bananas you've had?- No.
0:22:01 > 0:22:04It's only one micromort, it's a one-in-a-million chance.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06But how does the thousandth banana kill you?
0:22:06 > 0:22:08Because of the level of radioactivity.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10Oh, God!
0:22:11 > 0:22:13For every thousand you eat, you're...
0:22:13 > 0:22:16You've already got 41.6 micromorts, which is...
0:22:16 > 0:22:17I feel unwell.
0:22:20 > 0:22:22I'll give you a book to read afterwards and it'll explain it.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24- Thank you, darling. - Cos it takes too long.
0:22:24 > 0:22:26But go to New York, have a cigarette with a glass of wine
0:22:26 > 0:22:28and a banana split.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30And say, "Fuck you, world!"
0:22:37 > 0:22:42All of these increase your... They're such tiny margins, that's all.
0:22:42 > 0:22:44"I'm going down."
0:22:44 > 0:22:47My headmistress at boarding school was always in a terrible panic
0:22:47 > 0:22:49- about fruit.- Fruit?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51Fruit, yes. She found that...
0:22:56 > 0:22:59She spent hours teaching us how to eat a banana correctly,
0:22:59 > 0:23:02because of the manners, and I remember her saying...
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Which mustn't make the cheeks bulge, no...
0:23:05 > 0:23:07And you don't, you don't do this either.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20So she didn't like... She taught you how to eat a banana.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23She was very worried, and she'd spent a long time on bananas, and I said,
0:23:23 > 0:23:24"Well, how do you eat an orange?,"
0:23:24 > 0:23:26and she looked over the top of her glasses and said,
0:23:26 > 0:23:28"No young woman should ever embark upon an orange."
0:23:30 > 0:23:31Wise words.
0:23:31 > 0:23:33Anyway. Yes, micromorts.
0:23:33 > 0:23:36Now, here are some killers, but what do they prey on?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I'll perhaps give you a clue, if you don't know its name.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41- Seafood, that's a seal. - It's a seal.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- It is, it's called the crabeater seal.- It eats fish.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46So the clue...
0:23:46 > 0:23:47CROW CAWS
0:23:47 > 0:23:48Yes?
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- Crab.- Oh! Hey!
0:23:50 > 0:23:51KLAXON SOUNDS
0:23:51 > 0:23:54- Surely you'd know better. - Just getting it out of the way...
0:23:55 > 0:23:59..just so we could all move on and find out what the real answer is.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01If we show you its teeth more close-up,
0:24:01 > 0:24:03you might get a sense of it.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04It's pretty...
0:24:04 > 0:24:05Ooh.
0:24:05 > 0:24:08That's weird, why would you have teeth like that?
0:24:08 > 0:24:09To be on a show like this?
0:24:10 > 0:24:13It's to sieve. It's like a baleen plate in a whale.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16It sieves out all the bigger things, so it actually just has,
0:24:16 > 0:24:17like a whale...?
0:24:17 > 0:24:18- Krill.- Krill.
0:24:18 > 0:24:23Yeah. It just eats krill. And our next contender is...
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Oh, I say.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Yes. That's called the Bagheera kiplingi spider.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30Does that ring a bell?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32TREVOR: They kill tigers, don't they.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37- Well, bagha is the Hindi for tiger, and Bagheera is?- The Jungle Book.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- Is in the Jungle Book, and is a panther.- Is it the panther?
0:24:40 > 0:24:41Panther, and hence the Kiplingi,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44so for some reason it's named after Rudyard Kipling.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46Do you not think the spider looks like he's trying to be cute
0:24:46 > 0:24:48- for the photograph? - He does, he's posing.- "Hi."
0:24:48 > 0:24:50"Hiya, you all right?"
0:24:50 > 0:24:52- Spiders are known to be feeders on what?- Flies.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54Flies, they're known to be carnivorous.
0:24:54 > 0:24:58But this is the only vegetarian spider on earth.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- Well, no wonder he's cute. - Yeah. Exactly.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04They actually go out of their way to avoid rather nasty-looking ants
0:25:04 > 0:25:07and hide round corners, until they can get to their staple food,
0:25:07 > 0:25:10which is the buds of acacia trees. The acacia is very thorny.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12This is the laughing stock of the spider community.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Yeah, they are, they're probably...
0:25:14 > 0:25:16"Call yourself a spider? You're a disgrace."
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Yes. They occasionally, to be fair, will eat meat.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21It's a bit like, I don't know, the spectacled bear...
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- If they've had a drink.- ..will be known to eat, you know, ants.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- He'll have a kebab on the way home. - Yes.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29They can't resist it.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31Oh! Let's have a kebab.
0:25:32 > 0:25:34And we come finally to this chap.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38- Piranha.- It looks like a piranha, it's a distant relative,
0:25:38 > 0:25:41though it lives in a completely different part of the world,
0:25:41 > 0:25:43it lives in Papua New Guinea, and is known as a pacu fish,
0:25:43 > 0:25:46but has a nickname, which might give you a hint.
0:25:46 > 0:25:48The teeth it has are designed to deal with its main food source,
0:25:48 > 0:25:51which are seeds and nuts which fall down from trees above.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Which quite a lot of fish do.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55But, if you happen to be swimming naked,
0:25:55 > 0:25:57as many a Papua New Guinean might...
0:25:57 > 0:26:01- Uh-oh.- ..it fully deserves its nickname, the ball-cutter fish.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Ow!
0:26:03 > 0:26:07There are at least two recorded examples of people
0:26:07 > 0:26:09dying from castration from these.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Oh, does that count, does that count as a background mort?
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Yes, that's definitely a micromort.
0:26:14 > 0:26:18- Presumably you can tell as the screams get higher and higher.- Yes.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Until they're beyond the range of human hearing.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21- So they're pretty nasty.- Wow.
0:26:21 > 0:26:24But, what's the worst thing a swan can do to you?
0:26:24 > 0:26:26They can famously break a child's arm.
0:26:26 > 0:26:27Aaah!
0:26:27 > 0:26:29KLAXON SOUNDS
0:26:31 > 0:26:33No, there is no recorded example ever.
0:26:33 > 0:26:36They have hollow bones, and the chances are they would break
0:26:36 > 0:26:39their own wings if they attempted to swipe hard on the human bone.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42Oh, I've been cautious of them ever since primary school.
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Well, they're aggressive, they'll chase after you.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47And I dare say, if anyone rings in and says, "I know someone who
0:26:47 > 0:26:49"claims their arm was broken," the chances are almost certain...
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- The school liar.- That, well, not if they were the school liar,
0:26:52 > 0:26:54- or they might well have...- If you're running away and fell.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- They might well have fallen over. - Yeah.- Exactly.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59They are very aggressive. They can't break your arm, so there.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02And now it's time for one of my Knick-Knacks.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Crikey, how did that get there?!
0:27:13 > 0:27:15I'm now, I'm going to demonstrate...
0:27:15 > 0:27:17- What a marvellous outing for the word "crikey".- Yes.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20I'm going to demonstrate to you how a chain reaction takes place.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Imagine these are little atoms, and what I have
0:27:23 > 0:27:27is a series of mouse trap... Ow!
0:27:27 > 0:27:31Mouse traps. Used for obviously killing mice!
0:27:32 > 0:27:36And, fortunately, no mice will be harmed in this experiment.
0:27:36 > 0:27:40All you will see is the spectacular sight of random and explosive
0:27:40 > 0:27:45chain reaction caused by one atom touching another,
0:27:45 > 0:27:46which are all in...
0:27:46 > 0:27:48"Ball number 16, the eighth appearance this year."
0:27:49 > 0:27:51- So are you ready?- Yes.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Here we go.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01All that for three seconds.
0:28:04 > 0:28:06It's a lot of effort for the money.
0:28:09 > 0:28:12On that nuclear bombshell, we reach the final curtain.
0:28:12 > 0:28:16It's time for the scores. And how fascinating they are.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Way out in front, as you might imagine,
0:28:18 > 0:28:22with her astonishing knowledge is Sandi Toksvig on 14 points!
0:28:26 > 0:28:28Points-wise, one of the greatest debuts of all time,
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Trevor Noah has plus nine!
0:28:34 > 0:28:37And in third place, with minus six, Jason Manford.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39I'll take that. I'll take that.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Colour me astonished, in last place,
0:28:43 > 0:28:47but with a deeply encouraging minus 28, Alan Davies!
0:28:55 > 0:28:57Thank you.
0:28:57 > 0:29:00And it only remains for me to thank Trevor, Jason, Sandi and Alan,
0:29:00 > 0:29:01good night.
0:29:09 > 0:29:12Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd