0:00:23 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening
0:00:33 > 0:00:37and welcome to QI, where tonight we're doing the Knowledge.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Please welcome the well-educated Jimmy Carr.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42APPLAUSE
0:00:42 > 0:00:44Thank you.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46The well-informed Jo Brand.
0:00:46 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:52The well-read Graham Linehan.
0:00:52 > 0:00:53APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:58And the well, you know, it's Alan Davies.
0:00:58 > 0:01:01APPLAUSE
0:01:05 > 0:01:07And if you want to call me, you know what to do.
0:01:07 > 0:01:12- Jimmy goes: - # Knowing me, knowing you, aha... #
0:01:13 > 0:01:18- Graham goes: - # They don't know about us... #
0:01:18 > 0:01:23- Jo goes:- # I know him so well... #
0:01:23 > 0:01:30- And Alan goes: - # No no. No no no no There's no limits. #
0:01:31 > 0:01:34There's a spelling issue there, Alan.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Now, um, I know what you want to know,
0:01:36 > 0:01:41once and for all how many moons does the earth have?
0:01:41 > 0:01:42Nobody knows.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44LAUGHTER
0:01:44 > 0:01:48- We're not doing that this year, are we?- No, we're not.- Three.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50- Ooh! - BUZZER
0:01:50 > 0:01:52What a pity. What a pity.
0:01:52 > 0:01:54One.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57- Doh!- Well, it is!
0:01:57 > 0:01:59Just because it's called "the moon"
0:01:59 > 0:02:02doesn't mean it's the only one, it turns out.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05The moons, it would be called. Yeah.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07BUZZER
0:02:07 > 0:02:09Six.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13- You're not doing yourself any favours early doors.- Two.- Two, oh!
0:02:13 > 0:02:15LAUGHTER
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Now, this could go on for ages.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19It could. So let me stop you right here.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21The point is, very early on, in the A series,
0:02:21 > 0:02:22we said there were two.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24- Are you taking that back?- Yes.
0:02:24 > 0:02:25- What do you mean?- Ah, this is...
0:02:25 > 0:02:27I rely on this show. This is all I know.
0:02:27 > 0:02:30This is the whole point of this round, in fact.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32Facts are not permanent.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34We thought there were two, and then we said, "oh, no,
0:02:34 > 0:02:37"it's either one or five," we said, in the B series.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40Because we were acting on the latest info that we
0:02:40 > 0:02:42had from the scientific community.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43And this has changed.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45Now NASA describes them as "mini moons"
0:02:45 > 0:02:48but we have about 18,000 moons.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51I thought it was the same moon.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53LAUGHTER
0:02:53 > 0:02:55- What, bits of it, you mean? - No, I thought
0:02:55 > 0:03:00the ones that we keep seeing was the same one over and over again.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- That was the...- That's wrong?
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- No! Are you talking about the mini moons? There was like one extra mini moon?- No.
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Or just that whole...
0:03:07 > 0:03:11Can I just say, if there's so many, why haven't we noticed them before?
0:03:11 > 0:03:13Well, the reason is they are actually tiny
0:03:13 > 0:03:16and it's only recently they've run computer simulations to show 18,000.
0:03:16 > 0:03:21One of those that has been observed, has been given the exciting name RH120,
0:03:21 > 0:03:24which orbited the Earth, four orbits, in 2006 and 7.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26They're also known as "temporarily captured objects".
0:03:26 > 0:03:30They're captured into a Earth orbit, perhaps for a short amount of time.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33But as satellites of the Earth, non-man-made, they are moons.
0:03:33 > 0:03:36- That's what a moon is.- But the man-made satellites are satellites?
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Yes, but to be a moon you have to be a celestial body, rather than...you COULD count a man...
0:03:39 > 0:03:42Well. that makes me a moon, then.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Yes, exactly, there you are. Precisely.
0:03:44 > 0:03:49- You orbit my life, Jo.- But you have to be in orbit for at least five years before you can claim benefits.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51LAUGHTER
0:03:51 > 0:03:55Exactly right. But the quite interesting thing about this is the point that raised
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Jimmy Carr's tremendous eyebrows earlier, which is
0:03:57 > 0:03:59that facts don't remain stable.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03Things we know, or think we know, will be untrue.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05LAUGHTER
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Very good. Will be untrue in a number of years' time.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- Yes. Appropriately, you look a bit like Patrick Moore. - I'm trying to do a Mexican wave.
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Yes, you do look like Patrick Moore.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19"We just, we just don't know."
0:04:19 > 0:04:21LAUGHTER
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Can I just say, I did a course at university called...
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Shut up!
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- I bloody did.- No!
0:04:28 > 0:04:32I bloody did, and it was called the Sociology of Science, and yes,
0:04:32 > 0:04:36I got a grant for it. It was a complete waste of time.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40But what I learnt during that course is there's no such thing as a fact.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43Yes. This is precisely our point. And indeed, at medical colleges,
0:04:43 > 0:04:47they usually teach that half of what the medical students are going
0:04:47 > 0:04:52to learn will be considered untrue in about 10 or 20 years.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55And this is known by academics as the half-life of facts.
0:04:55 > 0:04:57That's to say, you know half of it will be untrue.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00Unfortunately, you don't know exactly which half.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02And on QI, an estimated 7% of the things
0:05:02 > 0:05:07I tell you this evening will be shown to be untrue in a year's time.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10And if you're watching a very old repeat on Dave,
0:05:10 > 0:05:12- a much bigger proportion. - It's probably untrue now.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15It's probably...even what I'm saying now is untrue.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17- I'm not even saying it, it's so untrue.- I'm not on the show.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21We actually have a chart showing the rate of decay of QI facts.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23And you can see, there's series A on the right,
0:05:23 > 0:05:27- and plotted against it is the 10th series, J.- J.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30And so, as you can see, the further you get away,
0:05:30 > 0:05:31the greater the number of untruths.
0:05:31 > 0:05:3460% of things in the first series are bollocks.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Yes, are now untrue. If that's true, yes, that's right.
0:05:36 > 0:05:40We do talk a lot of bollocks, in fairness.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44But the most important thing, you'll be excited to know, is that that means over the years,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47cumulatively, you must be owed a lot of points.
0:05:47 > 0:05:51And going according to this theory, things we have said are wrong,
0:05:51 > 0:05:55a proportion of them are likely to have been right.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58Therefore, we have actually calculated how many points
0:05:58 > 0:06:00we owe you. Um, and...
0:06:00 > 0:06:04- This is, suddenly this has gone brilliantly. Suddenly we're smiling. - Yeah. Jimmy...
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Alan is going to be way out in front, isn't he?
0:06:06 > 0:06:09Jimmy, we owe you 43.58 points.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Jo, 84.73.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14Can I use them in Sainsbury's?
0:06:14 > 0:06:16LAUGHTER
0:06:16 > 0:06:20I'm giving you permission. If you work at Sainsbury's and she tries to claim them, yes, she can.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24The audience are owed 23.24. Well done.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26Even not having done anything.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28APPLAUSE
0:06:30 > 0:06:34Alan, you are owed 737.66!
0:06:34 > 0:06:36APPLAUSE
0:06:36 > 0:06:40There you are.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43And, um...
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Are those transferable?
0:06:44 > 0:06:46If I went onto Have I Got News For You,
0:06:46 > 0:06:50- could I use...- Yes.- Could I arrive and go, "I've got 24 points that I could use here?"
0:06:50 > 0:06:54- Yeah. You can take this, yes. - I can just...?- Use them, yeah, yeah. - Oh, fabulous. Great news.
0:06:54 > 0:06:56Mastermind, can I have it on Mastermind?
0:06:56 > 0:06:59I don't think you could slip that in, somehow.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Someone's going to have to answer a lot of questions to beat that.
0:07:02 > 0:07:06- And of course, unfortunately, Graham, you get nothing. - Yes. Yeah, no.- That's really unfair.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09You're playing it first time and you get a huge disadvantage.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14Yeah. Well, you needn't have pointed it out. Yes.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16I'll try and find a way to make it up to you, in some way,
0:07:16 > 0:07:18by giving you a random 600 points.
0:07:18 > 0:07:23I'll give you some examples of facts that we gave in good faith on QI.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25So in the I series we said nobody knows how to tell
0:07:25 > 0:07:26the age of a lobster.
0:07:26 > 0:07:27Well, that was only a few years ago.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30But since then, Canadian scientists have discovered,
0:07:30 > 0:07:33the way you do, that if you dissect their eye stalks
0:07:33 > 0:07:37and count the rings, you know how old they are.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- Really?- What? - It's not a very kind thing to do.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41What you mean is, you know how old they were.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44LAUGHTER
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I think that's a reasonable point.
0:07:46 > 0:07:52There's a flaw in this plan. I still think you should ask them first. Before you dissect their eye stalks!
0:07:52 > 0:07:56Another one was in the G series. We said giraffes' necks may have evolved for fighting each other,
0:07:56 > 0:08:01which was commonly held by quite a few zoologists. But it now seems this hypothesis is not believed.
0:08:01 > 0:08:04- And in the A series...- They used to like wading across deep rivers.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07Yes, that, keeping their necks above, very, very deep.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10LAUGHTER
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- As the river got higher...- Yeah. - They evolved.
0:08:13 > 0:08:16LAUGHTER
0:08:16 > 0:08:20- That might prove to be correct.- It might, you see. Who am I to say it isn't?
0:08:20 > 0:08:24In the A series, we said that the best-endowed millipede had 710 legs.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28Soon afterwards, a millipede with 750 turned up,
0:08:28 > 0:08:30but that's still the greatest number we know.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33- Is there someone checking them? - Yes. That's superb.
0:08:33 > 0:08:38I like the idea that counting a millipede's legs, you would lose... You'd have to keep going back.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40- Yes, you would, exactly. - Argh! One, two...
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Yeah, it's the same thing...
0:08:42 > 0:08:44- Many times.- It's the same thing with all these things,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46before they count the legs, they kill it.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48LAUGHTER
0:08:48 > 0:08:52- It's true.- So the legs are very still. Just pluck them off.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54- Oh, dear!- One...
0:08:54 > 0:08:59- She loves me.- Two, three... It might still be alive.
0:08:59 > 0:09:03They might think it was dead, and then they'd just hear it go, "Argh!"
0:09:03 > 0:09:04LAUGHTER
0:09:04 > 0:09:09- "Argh! Argh!" - Do you know, that's an interesting fact, that's how they make worms.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11LAUGHTER
0:09:11 > 0:09:13- It's true. True story.- Brilliant.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15Yeah, a worm would come along,
0:09:15 > 0:09:18"Are you not doing anything with these legs?
0:09:18 > 0:09:22"Now you've counted them off the millipede, can I have four?"
0:09:22 > 0:09:24And a whole new species is born.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27- Yeah.- And that is how sausage dogs are made.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- And Daschunds, exactly.- Yeah. - We've discovered a lot of new science here, none of which is
0:09:30 > 0:09:34likely to be disproved, or possibly may come round again to be proved.
0:09:34 > 0:09:38Now, what did the inventor of the thermometer spend 30 years measuring?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40I'm going to say temperature, OK?
0:09:40 > 0:09:42- BUZZER - Oh!
0:09:42 > 0:09:46- Wa-hey!- Do you know what, Alan, you've got points to burn this evening.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50- Just relax.- Sometimes it's right, you know, sometimes he goes, yes, it is. - Exactly.
0:09:50 > 0:09:52I know a joke about thermometers, about nurses and thermometers.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54It's about a rectal thermometer.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- Go on.- Well, a nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket
0:09:58 > 0:10:00and goes, "Aw! Some arsehole's got my pen."
0:10:00 > 0:10:02LAUGHTER
0:10:06 > 0:10:08It's an old joke, it's an old joke.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11It's very fine, though. Very fine.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13One very old nurses' joke that we used to...
0:10:13 > 0:10:16was that a nurse comes running in and says to the matron,
0:10:16 > 0:10:19"Oh, dear, I think I've got something the wrong way round.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21"You asked me to prick someone's boil."
0:10:21 > 0:10:24LAUGHTER
0:10:25 > 0:10:28- Very good.- I do know quite an interesting fact about thermometers.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32- Thermometers.- The difference between an oral and rectal thermometer.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Yeah, I hope you do know the difference!
0:10:34 > 0:10:36- Yeah. Taste.- Oh!
0:10:36 > 0:10:38LAUGHTER
0:10:38 > 0:10:41No, his name was Sanctorius Sanctorius. At least that
0:10:41 > 0:10:44was his Latinised name. He was from Padua, and there you can see him.
0:10:44 > 0:10:48- Right.- He's weighing himself, that's a special balance he had created. - Oh, he's weighing himself?
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Every single day he'd weigh himself AND the food he ate.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56And, indeed, the faeces and urine that he expelled, he excreted.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Was it some sort of weird Weight Watchers thing he was on?
0:11:00 > 0:11:03No, well, what he discovered is that his urine and faeces weighed
0:11:03 > 0:11:06only a fraction of what he'd eaten and drunk, but despite that,
0:11:06 > 0:11:10he stayed the same weight, which is amazing, he thought.
0:11:10 > 0:11:14He thought, "Why is it if I put in, say, 100 pounds of food,
0:11:14 > 0:11:17"but I poo out only 30 pounds of faeces..."
0:11:17 > 0:11:19It had taken him 30 years...
0:11:19 > 0:11:22did he not work out that there's a fuel thing?
0:11:22 > 0:11:25It is easy to look back at past generations and say,
0:11:25 > 0:11:28"How can you not have known?" But of course NONE of them knew.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32And really, before people like him, who was almost one of the world's first scientists...
0:11:32 > 0:11:36- They hadn't measured and calibrated things.- You're absolutely right about all of those things.
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- Well, as right as we know. - However...- Yeah?- 30 Years!
0:11:39 > 0:11:42I mean, really, after three years with the same...
0:11:42 > 0:11:45Oh, no, he had a theory, but his theory was wrong, that's all.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47His theory was that the rest came out of your skin
0:11:47 > 0:11:51so it was very dangerous to cover most of your skin, because you wouldn't let the poison out.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55He knew that faeces was poisonous, or at least toxic and bad for you.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Its smell is a big warning, obviously.
0:11:57 > 0:11:58Sorry, your faeces smell?
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Of Parma Violets. Yeah.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Jimmy's make a noise.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08They point at him.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10They emit a totally different...
0:12:10 > 0:12:12They're very unusual.
0:12:12 > 0:12:16It's one in a million people who have noisy faeces.
0:12:18 > 0:12:19"Aah!"
0:12:19 > 0:12:20HE IMITATES TOILET FLUSHING
0:12:20 > 0:12:23Very good. He co-invented, with his fellow at Padua,
0:12:23 > 0:12:24a much better-known scientist.
0:12:24 > 0:12:27Who would that be, in the same period?
0:12:27 > 0:12:31- Co-invented?- Da Vinci. - His co-inventor. Not Da Vinci, no.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- Is he going to be Martin Centigrade, or...- Galileo.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37- It won't be future.- Galileo. - Galileo is the right answer.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38Oh, I nearly said Galileo!
0:12:38 > 0:12:39APPLAUSE
0:12:39 > 0:12:41Thank you.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44I was going to say Scaramouche or Fandango.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Galileo Galilee.
0:12:47 > 0:12:48Can do the Fandango!
0:12:48 > 0:12:51Yes, he could, darling, that's right.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Thunderbolt and lightning!
0:12:55 > 0:12:57- Oh, no. Please! - Very, very frightening!
0:12:57 > 0:13:01- Stop, behave.- That's what one of Jimmy's poos sounds like!- No.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02"Galileo, Galileo!"
0:13:02 > 0:13:04"You all right in there, Jimmy?!"
0:13:04 > 0:13:05LAUGHTER
0:13:05 > 0:13:09Be out in a minute, I'm reading a very interesting article!
0:13:09 > 0:13:13- Your faeces is made up of 70%...- Shit?- Liquid!
0:13:15 > 0:13:1830% solid. It just takes a bit of separating out.
0:13:18 > 0:13:20Not that I would urge you to do it when you get home!
0:13:20 > 0:13:22When I get home? Why wait?!
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I've got a centrifuge in my dressing room!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:13:28 > 0:13:33Anyway, what can you find out by hiding under a student's bed?
0:13:33 > 0:13:35BUZZER
0:13:35 > 0:13:36Yes, Jo?
0:13:36 > 0:13:40I've got to go for this. Is it a massive pile of porn mags?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43- That's probably true. - I thought that would go off. - Those were the days.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46I think, I think now you've got the internet, it's...
0:13:46 > 0:13:48I'm afraid, yeah, you wouldn't, really.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50Broadband are doing a terrific job now. Terrific.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52I think that's a bit sad though, in a way.
0:13:52 > 0:13:53It's not, yeah, they were...
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- You prefer mags.- Not for men. - No, not personally.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57LAUGHTER
0:13:57 > 0:14:00They did this in the 1930s, it was extremely unethical,
0:14:00 > 0:14:03but we're in pursuit of knowledge, which is our theme today.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05- Oh, scientists? - So they were researchers.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07They were researching, and the only way to find out
0:14:07 > 0:14:10what people are saying without knowing they're being overheard
0:14:10 > 0:14:13was to hide somewhere and take notes while they were talking.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15And they wanted to know what sort of things students spoke about.
0:14:15 > 0:14:18- So they used to hide underneath the beds?- Yeah, and take notes.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21It sounds to me, Stephen, I don't want to, you know, throw stones
0:14:21 > 0:14:24at these lovely scientists, but it sounds to me like a cover story.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26You wait, you wait till I get to some other unethical scientists,
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- you hold that back. Because it gets worse.- Oh, tell me more!
0:14:29 > 0:14:31We're on the subject of unethical research.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33And basically, this was the only way you can have of being sure
0:14:33 > 0:14:36that you know what people are talking about with absolute clarity.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38Because people change what they say
0:14:38 > 0:14:41when they know someone's listening, someone outside their circle.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44But the idea was to discover what the main subject was, that people spoke about.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45They listened to...
0:14:45 > 0:14:48They just thought, "They'll never look under their bed!"
0:14:48 > 0:14:50Why would you look under a bed?!
0:14:50 > 0:14:52There's nothing interesting down there!
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Yeah, where they could overhear them.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57And they discovered that 40% of their conversation was devoted to?
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- The opposite sex.- No, it wasn't that, it was themselves.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03It was a study in egocentricity. They spoke about themselves.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05- I would never do that.- A-haha!
0:15:05 > 0:15:07Jimmy Carr would never let that happen!
0:15:07 > 0:15:10Oh, don't, that's the worst thing in the world you can do!
0:15:10 > 0:15:12So, there are other dodgy experiments.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15There was a "Personal Space Invasion In The Men's Restroom", a study of 1976.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17GRAHAM SNORTS
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Someone hid a camera under the partition,
0:15:19 > 0:15:21under the sort of floor space.
0:15:21 > 0:15:23"Someone", Stephen? "Someone?"
0:15:23 > 0:15:25LAUGHTER
0:15:25 > 0:15:27You seem to know a lot about this, Stephen!
0:15:27 > 0:15:29I've got a couple of questions.
0:15:29 > 0:15:31You like technology, don't you?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34And there's a camera in the men's room!
0:15:34 > 0:15:37"Oh, I'm just doing a study." "Are you?!"
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- It was...- Apologise, Stephen!
0:15:40 > 0:15:43It was to see how they filled space when, if there was one person, let's
0:15:43 > 0:15:47say the third one in a row of six, where would the average person go?
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Would it be as far away apart, or would that look too obvious?
0:15:50 > 0:15:54It's very interesting when you go in there, because I used to be, I don't have it any more,
0:15:54 > 0:15:56but I used to be quite a shy pee-er, are you aware of shy peeing?
0:15:56 > 0:15:57Yeah, of course.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59- I have a technique for that. - What's your technique?
0:15:59 > 0:16:02My technique for shy peeing is,
0:16:02 > 0:16:04I think of the most embarrassing thing I can do.
0:16:04 > 0:16:10I just think of doing something like saying, "I think I love you",
0:16:10 > 0:16:13or just something like that, and then it's all go.
0:16:13 > 0:16:18- When you say, "I love you", you will automatically pee. - Have a little wee.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20I don't need to say it, I just need to THINK it.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23And I always have to imagine it very, very realistically.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26I imagine the guy going: "What?! Did he really say that?"
0:16:26 > 0:16:30And then the next thing it's just, you know, it's no longer a problem.
0:16:30 > 0:16:34It is very maddening when you've been absolutely bursting to go
0:16:34 > 0:16:36and then, hello. "Come on! Come on!"
0:16:36 > 0:16:37I find men's rooms...
0:16:37 > 0:16:41There's a story about Bono going into a men's room
0:16:41 > 0:16:45and standing up there and the guy standing beside him, a long silence,
0:16:45 > 0:16:49and then eventually the guy saying, "Bit of stage fright, Bono?"
0:16:49 > 0:16:52JIMMY HOOTS UPROARIOUSLY
0:16:52 > 0:16:54But in 1942, and this is the one
0:16:54 > 0:16:57where you're going to go, "Yeah, right(!)",
0:16:57 > 0:16:59a psychologist called Lawrence LeShan
0:16:59 > 0:17:01tried to use sleep-learning at a summer camp.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04- Yeah, right(!) - To cure some boys of nail-biting.
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- Oh, no.- He recorded the phrase,
0:17:06 > 0:17:10"My fingernails are terribly bitter," on a phonograph,
0:17:10 > 0:17:13and then played it 300 times a night in the boys' tent, or room or whatever it was.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16And they all went on to kill and kill again?
0:17:16 > 0:17:18One boy appeared to respond positively,
0:17:18 > 0:17:20but then after five weeks the phonograph broke.
0:17:20 > 0:17:26So, to keep the experiment running, he stood in the boys' dormitory
0:17:26 > 0:17:29through the night and repeated the phrase himself.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31"My fingernails taste terribly bitter."
0:17:31 > 0:17:33This seemed to work, and he claimed it as a success.
0:17:33 > 0:17:36It's thought, generally, these days, that the boys were awake
0:17:36 > 0:17:38and just freaked out by the experience
0:17:38 > 0:17:41and they stopped biting their nails to make the nasty man go away.
0:17:41 > 0:17:44It's all very peculiar. Anyway, moving on.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47How did the Romans tell their Keiths from their Kevins?
0:17:49 > 0:17:51Some Keiths and Kevins there, in case you don't know what they are.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55- Keith Richards.- Kevin Bacon... Kevin Keegan. Keith Lemon.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Well done, that's enough. That's all, you won't get any more.
0:17:58 > 0:17:59The other ones don't look real.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- No... And they're looking... - Are they the actual Romans?
0:18:02 > 0:18:06I think on the far left, that's Burger King, isn't it?
0:18:06 > 0:18:08I think it might be, it does look a bit like Burger King.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11They could have, because in Latin they both mean the same?
0:18:11 > 0:18:13It's not that. It doesn't have to be Keiths and Kevins,
0:18:13 > 0:18:15it means how did Romans know people's names?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- How do they know people's names? - Because we all forget them...
0:18:18 > 0:18:21- Did they remember them?- No. That's the point, they'd forgotten.
0:18:21 > 0:18:23- Badge, they had a badge.- No.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25You have a special servant.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27A servant to say your name?
0:18:27 > 0:18:29A nomenclator. Not to say YOUR name!
0:18:29 > 0:18:31LAUGHTER
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- I'm assuming you'll remember your own name!- This is Pepe!
0:18:34 > 0:18:38It's when you forget other people's. So you come in and the person whispers, "Alan Davies",
0:18:38 > 0:18:40and you go, "Alan, how lovely to see you!"
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Because otherwise you've forgotten, like a politician.
0:18:42 > 0:18:46- That's very useful.- Yeah. Absolutely right. And politicians...
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- I have a technique for names.- Yeah?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50I've forgotten someone's name, I just say,
0:18:50 > 0:18:52"Excuse me for a second", and then I go home.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54LAUGHTER
0:18:55 > 0:18:57APPLAUSE
0:18:57 > 0:18:59Works every time!
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- If you're the nomenclator...- Yes?
0:19:03 > 0:19:06And you keep saying this is Steve, this is Fiona.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- Stevius, Fiona.- After a while he goes, I know, I know that one!
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Yes, you would, you're allowed to tell them...
0:19:11 > 0:19:15Just tell me the ones I don't know. She thinks I've forgotten her name!
0:19:15 > 0:19:18I really thought I was in there,
0:19:18 > 0:19:20and now you've just gone "Fiona",
0:19:20 > 0:19:24as if I didn't know it was, look at her face now!
0:19:24 > 0:19:26Go over there and say, "He knew, I was just doing my job."
0:19:26 > 0:19:29"He wants you to know that he knew you were Fiona."
0:19:29 > 0:19:33"This is this your wife, Susan. You've been married 15 years."
0:19:33 > 0:19:37I actually do have a system involving my wife,
0:19:37 > 0:19:40which is, we go over to someone whose name I don't know,
0:19:40 > 0:19:43and I just stand there in total silence,
0:19:43 > 0:19:45and then eventually my wife says, "I'm sorry, my name's Helen."
0:19:45 > 0:19:49And the guy says, "Oh I'm Gary, and I go, I'm sorry, Gary! Gary, Helen. Helen, Gary."
0:19:49 > 0:19:51- Didn't I introduce you? I thought I, yeah...- Yeah.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Just as soon as they say it, you go, "Ah!" And then you sort of...
0:19:55 > 0:19:57Is that a system, per se? LAUGHTER
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Sounds like you being awkward at a party.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02I'm sorry, I am...
0:20:02 > 0:20:04So, moving on, a question about kith and kin now.
0:20:04 > 0:20:08What's the best way of avoiding talking to your mother-in-law?
0:20:08 > 0:20:10BUZZER
0:20:10 > 0:20:11Yes, Jo?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13Removing her vocal cords,
0:20:13 > 0:20:15with some pliers!
0:20:15 > 0:20:18That's the best way of avoiding HER talking to YOU.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20Well, lean in for the kiss.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- Ugh! Oddly enough, you're in the right hideous area.- Really?
0:20:24 > 0:20:28Prince Charles's hair is being stealthily removed
0:20:28 > 0:20:32from his head by Camilla's hair-grabbing, hair-eating hat.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35LAUGHTER
0:20:35 > 0:20:37It's like a Triffid.
0:20:37 > 0:20:41And she's operating it slyly with her hand and going like that.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43And the hair is being sucked into that hat.
0:20:43 > 0:20:45- She's looking down at the dial. - The hat devours it!
0:20:47 > 0:20:49I think, if you don't like your mother-in-law,
0:20:49 > 0:20:51what hope is there for you?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53I view the mother-in-law as, it's Christmas Future.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Yes, that's true.
0:20:55 > 0:20:56If you don't like your mother-in-law,
0:20:56 > 0:21:00you're in trouble, 20 years down the line. That's what you're buying into.
0:21:00 > 0:21:05My mother-in-law makes absolutely no sound when she moves.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07LAUGHTER
0:21:08 > 0:21:10That's remarkable, like Jeeves.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13She is the stealthiest person.
0:21:13 > 0:21:16You've got a Stealth mother-in-law. Is she sprayed black?
0:21:16 > 0:21:20Honestly, she could be a brilliant spy, you know?
0:21:20 > 0:21:23You might be in a room and you're looking in a thing or something,
0:21:23 > 0:21:25and then suddenly she'll go, "Hello." "Oh, Jesus!"
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Where did you come from?!
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Where did you come from?! It's a long way from the door!
0:21:30 > 0:21:33Anybody would have gone, "Ahem", made a little noise. Nothing.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Oh, that's terrible. It's like the famous story
0:21:35 > 0:21:37of the boy who was, you know,
0:21:37 > 0:21:40having a play with himself in his bedroom, with his eyes closed.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43And by the way, I was not doing, I was not playing with myself!
0:21:43 > 0:21:46- No, not you.- In this story, before you conflate them.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50- No, that's true.- What's that story or that thing where Alan Davies,
0:21:50 > 0:21:52and his mother-in-law comes up behind him?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54Let's just separate those two things!
0:21:54 > 0:21:57All right. But he closes his eyes in bliss
0:21:57 > 0:21:59and when he opens them afterwards,
0:21:59 > 0:22:01he just finds a cup of tea next to him!
0:22:01 > 0:22:03LAUGHTER
0:22:03 > 0:22:05It sounds so appalling!
0:22:05 > 0:22:10She thought, "Well, your father always likes a cup of tea afterwards!"
0:22:10 > 0:22:13And a biscuit!
0:22:13 > 0:22:14APPLAUSE
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Oh, gracious! Oh, Alan!
0:22:16 > 0:22:19We haven't even begun to answer this question yet.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21It's about sexual taboos with mothers-in-laws...
0:22:21 > 0:22:23Sexual taboos with mother-in-laws?!
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Taboos, and there is this particular language
0:22:26 > 0:22:29- where you have a special language...- What?!- In which to speak to your mother-in-law.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33It's called an avoidance language, so you have your own, the natural line of language.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36We've got one of those, haven't we? It's called small talk.
0:22:36 > 0:22:39But this has a different vocabulary and it's absolutely different.
0:22:39 > 0:22:43A whole language where you can talk to your mother-in-law so it's just safe subjects?
0:22:43 > 0:22:46You also have to avert the eyes and look at the ground, which is part of using that language.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49And there are certain words that don't exist in that language,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52most notably things like pubic hair and sweaty smells.
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- But why?- Because there is a taboo and a sense of respect
0:22:55 > 0:22:58that is given by the male to the mother of his wife.
0:22:58 > 0:22:59It's in Australia.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02There's some Aboriginal peoples who have these avoidance languages.
0:23:02 > 0:23:04And it's really fascinating, isn't it?
0:23:04 > 0:23:08In Japan, they have a special language when talking about the royal family.
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Is there a phrase for "You've spilt the Tippex"?
0:23:11 > 0:23:12In their culture.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Someone needs to address that.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17You're so bad, you're so bad!
0:23:17 > 0:23:21Now, what did this bird bring to the German city of Klutz?
0:23:23 > 0:23:24- Chlamydia.- Chlamydia!
0:23:26 > 0:23:28- The Chlamydia Stork.- It's a good idea. The Chlamydia Stork!
0:23:28 > 0:23:31Sounds like a desperate man back from a business trip in Holland,
0:23:31 > 0:23:36- going, "Ah, ah, the thing is, storks."- Yes!
0:23:36 > 0:23:39Is that a particular, like a giant stork that you only find in Germany?
0:23:39 > 0:23:43I'll show you a picture of it. It's been stuffed and is in a museum.
0:23:43 > 0:23:44How big is it, really?
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Well, it's hard to tell the scale, but storks are quite big.
0:23:46 > 0:23:49But that's an arrow through it, or spear, rather.
0:23:49 > 0:23:52They call it an arrow in German, which is pfeil,
0:23:52 > 0:23:53and it's known as the Pfeilstorch,
0:23:53 > 0:23:55which is just literally "arrow stork".
0:23:55 > 0:23:59Now, you may say what's odd about that? Nothing, particularly.
0:23:59 > 0:24:03But what they recognised was that the arrow was not German.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Indeed it was not even European.
0:24:04 > 0:24:08- But they recognised right away that it was African.- That it had flown a very long way.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10What on earth would a bird be doing
0:24:10 > 0:24:12with an African spear in its neck, they thought?
0:24:12 > 0:24:16So they puzzled out the possibility that birds,
0:24:16 > 0:24:18rather than disappearing at winter...
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- Oh, went to Africa.- Yes, migrated.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23Sorry, are you saying it flew back with that...
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- Yes. It survived.- No way! - I know, yeah.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26I was just, I mean, no way!
0:24:26 > 0:24:28It happened. Yes, it did.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31It flew to Germany going, "Well, I'm never going back there."
0:24:31 > 0:24:33LAUGHTER
0:24:33 > 0:24:37The worst holiday ever!
0:24:37 > 0:24:39APPLAUSE
0:24:39 > 0:24:43I find that, the survival of that bird I find extraordinary, that it arrived.
0:24:43 > 0:24:45It is. But you hear stories of bullets piercing people's heads
0:24:45 > 0:24:47without somehow managing to...
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Not an arrow, not an arrow travelling the length of its,
0:24:50 > 0:24:51its neck and through its head.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54It somehow managed, I know, it is astounding that it flew.
0:24:54 > 0:24:55- "Something's different!"- Yeah.
0:24:55 > 0:24:58Do you think it was originally from Germany, or it got kind of,
0:24:58 > 0:25:01it was from England and somehow, "Whoa, we're going right a bit!"?
0:25:01 > 0:25:05It might have slightly tilted to the right, we don't know. It was in the 1820s.
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Anyway, until that time, people had observed birds disappearing,
0:25:08 > 0:25:11and they'd assumed all kinds of things, that they went underwater,
0:25:11 > 0:25:14that, you know, they changed into other animals, I mean, but
0:25:14 > 0:25:18- there was no particular evidence, anyway, except they disappeared. - It was 18?- 1820.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20This was the first kind of clear evidence, as it were,
0:25:20 > 0:25:22that the bird had been to Africa.
0:25:22 > 0:25:24And so things began to get put together.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27Samuel Johnson wrote that "Swallows certainly sleep in the winter.
0:25:27 > 0:25:30"A number of them conglobulate together by flying round and round
0:25:30 > 0:25:34"and then all in a heap throw themselves underwater and lie on the bed of the river."
0:25:34 > 0:25:36That's what he thought, because swallows disappear in winter.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39He assumed they hibernated, like other animals.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43So, moving on. Get this right and you can have your weight in points.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45I'd like you to add these numbers up.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47- Look at the screen, add up the numbers.- Hang on. Hang on. Pen.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50Ow!
0:25:50 > 0:25:51That's silly.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53- Nine, nine, nine, nine.- No.
0:25:53 > 0:25:57- 431.- No. I'll let you have,
0:25:57 > 0:25:59which the winner of this competition did not have,
0:25:59 > 0:26:03the opportunity to see it again. All right, again. Two-second burst.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Add that up.
0:26:06 > 0:26:08Oh, it's about 8,897.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10No. It would be astonishing if you got it,
0:26:10 > 0:26:11but in Japan - where else -
0:26:11 > 0:26:13they have this, it's called "Flash Anzan".
0:26:13 > 0:26:16And actually the world record holder had a shorter time than that.
0:26:16 > 0:26:20You have to correctly add 15 three-digit numbers,
0:26:20 > 0:26:23and he did it in 1.7 seconds.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25There's a particular reason Japanese people are very good at this.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28I think I know the reason. It's in Malcolm Gladwell's book.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32It's because of how they process, how the language processes numbers.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34There is a strange thing in Chinese and Japanese,
0:26:34 > 0:26:37in both languages, with the number, if you say the numbers together,
0:26:37 > 0:26:40it automatically adds them up, sort of linguistically.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43Yes, but there's a really interesting addition to that,
0:26:43 > 0:26:44which is that what they're doing,
0:26:44 > 0:26:47and their fingers are the giveaway, they do this.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48What do you think that is?
0:26:48 > 0:26:51That, that is a living one of those!
0:26:51 > 0:26:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Come on!
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Genius! You see?
0:26:58 > 0:27:01I've always said, he's a savant!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03Or it's a herd of those!
0:27:05 > 0:27:08The answer, incidentally was 1,966.
0:27:08 > 0:27:13But the secret actually is in the Chinese, Japanese abacus.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16They're actually doing the action of the abacus.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18And the more amazing thing, perhaps,
0:27:18 > 0:27:22is that at the same time, they can have a conversation with someone.
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Because it's another part of the brain that's being engaged.
0:27:25 > 0:27:29And they'll say the answer, but they won't remember a single one
0:27:29 > 0:27:30of the numbers they added up.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34Which brings me to some very complicated adding up of my own, as a matter of fact.
0:27:34 > 0:27:39Oh, my gracious goodness, heavens! The scores are unusual, because we have of course been giving scores
0:27:39 > 0:27:44to make up for our errors on account of the half-life of facts.
0:27:44 > 0:27:45So, in last place, I'm afraid,
0:27:45 > 0:27:48it's magnificent for a first appearance, minus 19,
0:27:48 > 0:27:49Graham Linehan.
0:27:49 > 0:27:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:50 > 0:27:52- Graham, congratulations.- Thank you.
0:27:54 > 0:27:58In fourth place, with 23.24, it's the audience!
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Well done!
0:28:05 > 0:28:07- And in third place... - So I'm behind the audience?
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Yes, I'm afraid so. It's deeply unfair.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13- And the Star Wars guy's in the audience.- I'm on the show!
0:28:15 > 0:28:16I'm so sorry.
0:28:16 > 0:28:22And in third place, with plus 33.58, is Jimmy Carr.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Come on.
0:28:27 > 0:28:32In second place, with plus 85.73, Jo Brand.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:34 > 0:28:35Not bad for a lady!
0:28:37 > 0:28:41And today's out-and-out winner,
0:28:41 > 0:28:45with 689.66, is Alan Davies!
0:28:45 > 0:28:47APPLAUSE AND WHOOPING
0:28:52 > 0:28:54It was worth it.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56And, so, it's thank you and good night
0:28:56 > 0:28:58from Graham, Jimmy, Jo, Alan and me.
0:28:58 > 0:29:01Be useful and lovely to yourselves, good night.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04APPLAUSE
0:29:25 > 0:29:28Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd