0:00:25 > 0:00:28APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Hello, good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:33 > 0:00:34good evening, good evening,
0:00:34 > 0:00:38and welcome to QI, where tonight we are looking for our keys.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41To help us we have a key man, Tim Minchin.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:44 > 0:00:47A key woman, Isy Suttie!
0:00:47 > 0:00:50APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:50 > 0:00:53A key player, Bill Bailey.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:55 > 0:00:58And an allen key, Alan Davies!
0:00:58 > 0:01:00APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Ah, you see what he did there.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07So, they've all got their keyboards. Tim, give us an A.
0:01:07 > 0:01:09"A" NOTE PLAYS
0:01:09 > 0:01:10That's an A.
0:01:10 > 0:01:15Isy, in the great tradition of Blockbusters, I'd like an E, please.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16"E" NOTE PLAYS
0:01:16 > 0:01:18Very nice. Bill, give us a G.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19"G" NOTE PLAYS
0:01:19 > 0:01:21And Alan, give us a B.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23BEE BUZZES
0:01:23 > 0:01:24LAUGHTER
0:01:24 > 0:01:27Aaah. Aaaah.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29We have given you a musical instrument.
0:01:29 > 0:01:31I have got the thing here, but...
0:01:31 > 0:01:33BILL: Oh. A glockenspiel?
0:01:33 > 0:01:37We didn't trust you with anything electrical.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40It's nice. It's something for you to keep yourself occupied
0:01:40 > 0:01:41if you don't know any answers.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44- Bill could teach me a couple of tunes during the record. - I bet Bill will, too.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- Here's a good one.- There you go. - Here's a good one, look.
0:01:47 > 0:01:49HE PLAYS TWO NOTES There you are.
0:01:49 > 0:01:50LAUGHTER
0:01:50 > 0:01:52It's Airport Announcement.
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Airport Announcement, by Ravel.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58By Ravel, yes. It's a beautiful piece.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Absolutely wonderful.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- FRENCH ACCENT:- "An announcement airport," yes.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05Exactly. Do know any, any tunes?
0:02:05 > 0:02:08French? No. I don't know any tunes.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09HE PLAYS TWO NOTES
0:02:09 > 0:02:11- Doorbell. Same, similar. - Oh, very good.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14I don't know who wrote whose first, I imagine doorbell came first.
0:02:14 > 0:02:17ISY: They're always in a major third, as if to herald good news.
0:02:17 > 0:02:18- Yes, exactly.- Yeah.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20TIM PLAYS TWO NOTES - MAJOR THIRD
0:02:20 > 0:02:22"Your flight is delayed by eight hours."
0:02:22 > 0:02:24"I don't feel so bad!"
0:02:24 > 0:02:27- TIM PLAYS TWO NOTES - MINOR THIRD - "Boarding now." "Oh, no!"
0:02:27 > 0:02:29BILL: The best doorbells always frighten people away.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32PLAYS NOTES FROM 'CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND'
0:02:32 > 0:02:33LAUGHTER
0:02:33 > 0:02:36Marvellous. You haven't played anything for us yet, Isy,
0:02:36 > 0:02:38just get your fingers warm.
0:02:38 > 0:02:42SHE PLAYS JAUNTY PIANO TUNE
0:02:42 > 0:02:45- That was the jazz version. - Wow! Pretty good.
0:02:45 > 0:02:47BILL: That was great.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51Anyway, there we are.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54So, I'll give you the keys to the city, all right?
0:02:54 > 0:02:55What's the first thing you'll do?
0:02:55 > 0:02:57- NOTE PLAYS - Yes?
0:02:57 > 0:02:59I'd make a copy of them.
0:02:59 > 0:03:00- Clever.- TIM:- Yeah, good.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03In case I lock myself out when I'm drunk.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06And I'd give a copy to my cleaner.
0:03:06 > 0:03:07Very, very smart.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09What else can you do with the keys to the city?
0:03:09 > 0:03:11Drive a sheep across a bridge.
0:03:11 > 0:03:13KLAXON BLARES
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- Ah.- What?!
0:03:16 > 0:03:19No. I am a Freeman of the City of London, as it happens.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22- Quite right.- Oh, thank you. - Very disappointed if you weren't.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24And I did drive, I did drive a sheep over,
0:03:24 > 0:03:26though in fact it was flagrantly illegal.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28It's just one of those myths.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Also that supposedly that you can bear a sword in the city,
0:03:31 > 0:03:32but that's not true, either.
0:03:32 > 0:03:35Is there an actual door that you can fit that in?
0:03:35 > 0:03:37- No. No, there really isn't. - What do you actually get?
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Do you actually get a key in a nice presentation case?
0:03:40 > 0:03:42No, you get a long sort of parchment,
0:03:42 > 0:03:46wherein, heretofore, let it be understood the City and corporation...
0:03:46 > 0:03:48BILL: Is there anything you can do?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51I mean is there anything... You can go naked, or something, or...?
0:03:51 > 0:03:52No, no real rights.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54I mean if you are poor, you can access some
0:03:54 > 0:03:55educational and charitable funds.
0:03:55 > 0:03:58Dick Whittington, probably the most famous London Lord Mayor,
0:03:58 > 0:04:01in the early 15th century, left money in trust for water troughs
0:04:01 > 0:04:05and children's education, and that charity is still giving out money.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- Really?- It's been wisely invested. That's pretty amazing, isn't it?
0:04:08 > 0:04:11There are other people to get freedoms of cities.
0:04:11 > 0:04:16To whom do you think Detroit gave the key of their city in 1980?
0:04:16 > 0:04:17Diana Ross.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19No, it wasn't Diana Ross, you'd think it would be a...
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- Someone off of Motown.- Gary Numan.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23It should be a Motown star. Wasn't Gary Numan.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25- Gary Numan?- No.- What wrote Cars?
0:04:25 > 0:04:27No. That would be good. No, it wasn't.
0:04:27 > 0:04:28It was actually Saddam Hussein.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31AUDIENCE LAUGH AND MURMUR
0:04:31 > 0:04:32- What?- Well, they're sick of him. - What?!
0:04:32 > 0:04:35It's the usual pattern. In 1980, he was our friend.
0:04:35 > 0:04:36- He was a friend.- Yeah. - Of course.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38The City of Toronto has given the key to
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela and Mickey Mouse.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43LAUGHTER
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- Never seen in the same room. - Pathetic, the Dalai Lama?! Why him?
0:04:46 > 0:04:47The Dalai Lama, what was it?
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Nelson Mandela and Mickey Mouse.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Ah, my perfect Sunday.
0:04:51 > 0:04:54LAUGHTER Those three round for dinner.
0:04:54 > 0:04:59Corona, California, gave a cat the freedom of its city limits.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01Oh, that's stupid, isn't it?
0:05:01 > 0:05:03Because the cat had hit the Guinness Book of Records
0:05:03 > 0:05:05by being the tallest cat in the world.
0:05:05 > 0:05:10And, because we're QI, we rang up the city of Corona, and it's true.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13They were very pleased to have it verified for us.
0:05:13 > 0:05:17But Cher upset Australians in 2012,
0:05:17 > 0:05:21when she sold her key to Adelaide on eBay.
0:05:21 > 0:05:23- Oh.- She got 96,000 dollars for it.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25- Wow!- What?!- Yeah.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Someone paid 96 grand for a symbolic key to Adelaide?
0:05:28 > 0:05:31To Adelaide, not even Melbourne or Sydney!
0:05:31 > 0:05:33I mean, I like Adelaide, but that's...
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- BILL: It's a lot though, isn't it? - I don't want a key.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39She responded to the inevitable backlash on Twitter.
0:05:39 > 0:05:40She said...
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- F'd up. Fudged. - Fudged up, yeah.
0:05:49 > 0:05:53- Friend.- So, there you are. - Flowled.- Flower-up.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Flagaba...
0:05:55 > 0:05:56- Keep guessing.- I don't know.
0:05:56 > 0:06:00- Fruity.- Flannel.- Flannel up.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Flannel up and wait for me.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04POSH VOICE: "Flannel up!
0:06:04 > 0:06:08"Clean yourself and flannel up, I'll be up in five minutes!
0:06:09 > 0:06:11"And put on the special ointment!"
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Bring me another one, this one's flannelled-out.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- Oh, dear. All right, OK. - I like a flannel.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Now, what's the best way to keep
0:06:19 > 0:06:22the Open Organisation of Lockpickers
0:06:22 > 0:06:23out of your homes?
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Bucket of water over the door, a rake on the floor,
0:06:29 > 0:06:33two miniature beds of nails and a very hungry tiger.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36And you put all that outside the potential lockpicker's door,
0:06:36 > 0:06:38so that they can't even leave their home.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41Ah. You don't need to, is the point, actually.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44The fact is, they are incredibly moral and ethical.
0:06:44 > 0:06:47This organisation, which is literally called TOOOL.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50The Organisation - there it is.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52The Open Organisation of Lockpickers.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54- BILL: No, this is made-up. - It's Dutch.- Is it?
0:06:54 > 0:06:57It's a Dutch organisation of recreational lockpickers.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59LAUGHTER
0:06:59 > 0:07:01They claim to have a good purpose,
0:07:01 > 0:07:03they help spread the word in security
0:07:03 > 0:07:06and show how things can be picked, but the point is, you're not allowed
0:07:06 > 0:07:09ever, in this organisation, to pick a lock that doesn't belong to you.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11That's how moral they are.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12Well, that's boring, isn't it?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- Pick a lock... - That's when they're meeting,
0:07:14 > 0:07:17but when they're professionally being lockpickers...
0:07:17 > 0:07:19DUTCH ACCENT: "Hey, what a crazy bunch of guys.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22"Let's go and pick some locks, but not someone we don't know.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26"OK. What a crazy time we're going to have."
0:07:26 > 0:07:28"How come it's only me today?"
0:07:28 > 0:07:30LAUGHTER
0:07:32 > 0:07:33"I am such a toool." Yeah.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Many of TOOOL's members are obviously lock-makers
0:07:36 > 0:07:38and locksmiths.
0:07:38 > 0:07:40- There they are, tools of their trade.- Wow.
0:07:40 > 0:07:43It's incredible how you can have such a specific skill in one area
0:07:43 > 0:07:45and be so bad with fonts.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47Yes. Very true.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50It's non-overlapping magisteria.
0:07:50 > 0:07:54- It is not an overlapping magisterian.- Lock picking and fonts.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- There's probably a fonts organisation, as well.- Yeah.
0:07:56 > 0:07:57Let's be honest.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- Who cannot get into their house. - That's right.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04Who in poetic law laughs at locksmiths?
0:08:04 > 0:08:05The Queen.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10"Ha ha ha." No.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12The first Tuesday of every month.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14"The official laughing at locksmiths.
0:08:14 > 0:08:19"Locksmiths are lining up. She is now braying in their faces,
0:08:19 > 0:08:21"snorting derisively..." No.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24"You can't open it. Ha ha ha!"
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Audience, who laughs at locksmiths?
0:08:26 > 0:08:28AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Love.
0:08:28 > 0:08:29Love laughs at locksmiths.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32- Oh.- You lock the girl up, you lock the boy up, or you put locked
0:08:32 > 0:08:36- barriers between them and they'll always find a way through to each other.- BILL: Aww.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37- Except they don't, do they?- No.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40If you lock... They won't, will they?
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- No.- That's the trouble with poetry.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45It's bollocks. I hate it.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- They just need a good lock. - It raises false hopes.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50All you need is your lock to be slightly smarter than the two
0:08:50 > 0:08:52people in love and really dumb people are in love,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54and there are really good locks. That's ridiculous!
0:08:54 > 0:08:56You're right, you're right.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58Oh, well.
0:08:58 > 0:09:02Speaking of keys, what's the key part of an arch?
0:09:03 > 0:09:05- BILL PLAYS NOTES - Yes, Bill?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07- Your light came on first. - Was that you, sorry?
0:09:07 > 0:09:09That's the trouble with these things.
0:09:09 > 0:09:10You can't tell who it is.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- Do that chord again and I'll know. - We only know the same chord.
0:09:13 > 0:09:17We're both... We play in C. The keystone is the...
0:09:17 > 0:09:19KLAXON BLARES
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I'm Alan Davies.
0:09:22 > 0:09:25LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:27 > 0:09:31It is commonplace to use the word keystone as being the thing
0:09:31 > 0:09:33that makes the arch work, but it isn't true.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35It's not the most important.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37All the arch stones, or "voussoirs" are equally important.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40But it is the last piece to go in and finishes rather
0:09:40 > 0:09:43- beautifully the arrangement, as it were.- Yes.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46In Roman times, they'd get the constructor of the arch to
0:09:46 > 0:09:49stand right under the arch when the
0:09:49 > 0:09:51support scaffolding was taken away,
0:09:51 > 0:09:54just to show that he had faith enough in his own...
0:09:54 > 0:09:57Well, it's natural selection of arch builders, isn't it?
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- "Is that guy any good?" Well, he's still here.- Exactly.
0:10:00 > 0:10:04I like that idea of getting people to test things. It's like going to a
0:10:04 > 0:10:07barbecue and getting someone to try the sausage before you'll eat it.
0:10:07 > 0:10:08- Oh, don't.- BILL: Oh, yeah.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11There are certain things that you can only test by using.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12So it's then useless.
0:10:12 > 0:10:16I mean, a ring-pull essentially, you say, "I wonder if this ring-pull will work."
0:10:16 > 0:10:20Whoosh! "Oh, yes, it does. Good, now... Oh, you can't..."
0:10:20 > 0:10:22Same with air bags, I suppose and other such things.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25I've really tried to get the air bag to come out, but it's...
0:10:25 > 0:10:29- No? No luck?- No, if you drive, really whack the dashboard
0:10:29 > 0:10:32really hard with a mallet or something and...
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Well, you realise how much force it is by just trying to
0:10:35 > 0:10:38walk into a wall at two miles an hour and your body won't let you.
0:10:38 > 0:10:39It just won't.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41LAUGHTER
0:10:41 > 0:10:44- Hands will go up. - No, no, no. I've done that.
0:10:44 > 0:10:45By mistake when...
0:10:45 > 0:10:48I did that after a night on here.
0:10:48 > 0:10:49Yes, when drunk or texting or something.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51But, I mean, if you actually consciously say,
0:10:51 > 0:10:53"I'm going to walk into this wall..."
0:10:53 > 0:10:55Only two miles an hour, not three miles an hour,
0:10:55 > 0:10:57and you just, pah, your hand goes up.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59You can't stop it. It's a reflex, it's so strong.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01Is there a wall here? I'd like to see you not do that.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03LAUGHTER
0:11:03 > 0:11:05I mean, just kind of slowly walk into a wall.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07- Try it at home. - LAUGHTER
0:11:07 > 0:11:09That's all I'm saying. Maybe it's just me being a coward.
0:11:09 > 0:11:12It will take more than an hour to go two miles
0:11:12 > 0:11:15- if you keep walking into walls, wouldn't it?- It's true.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17- That's the interesting thing about that.- That's true.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20So, the fact of the matter is that keystones are no more
0:11:20 > 0:11:22important than any of the other stones in an arch.
0:11:22 > 0:11:26Why were the keys in a QWERTY keyboard arranged the way they are?
0:11:26 > 0:11:30Ah, now, this is that it makes it more difficult to type.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32LAUGHTER
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- That's right. - And they wanted to slow...
0:11:34 > 0:11:36KLAXON BLARES
0:11:36 > 0:11:39"They wanted to slow...", you were saying...
0:11:39 > 0:11:40- Typists down.- Typists down. No.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43What it is, is the ones that most commonly are done together
0:11:43 > 0:11:47in English were put furthest apart, so they were less likely to jam.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49So, in fact, it was in order to allow you to type
0:11:49 > 0:11:51more smoothly and speedily,
0:11:51 > 0:11:54so that you didn't get the jamming of the keys as they came up
0:11:54 > 0:11:56- and hit each other.- Oh, I see.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59Of course, these days, we don't use mechanical typewriters in that
0:11:59 > 0:12:02way, with the keys flopping up. That's how I learnt to type.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06- Enormous typewriters.- I was tiny.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09LAUGHTER
0:12:09 > 0:12:12I loved typewriters so much, I was obsessed with them.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- Really? - Absolutely adored them, yeah.
0:12:15 > 0:12:18Stephen! Dinner's ready. Aaargh!
0:12:18 > 0:12:20Do you know, it's true,
0:12:20 > 0:12:22I once copied out a whole novel on the typewriter.
0:12:22 > 0:12:23- Did you?- Just to practise.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26Yeah, because I enjoyed the experience of typing so much.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30- Just to, yeah.- While other people were getting on with their lives, you were doing that.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33- Yeah. What can I tell you? - It's the sort of man you are.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36- I'm sad.- I'm so modest. - What, what novel was it?
0:12:36 > 0:12:38It was Frozen Assets, by PG Wodehouse.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- It's not one of his best-known novels. - BILL SNIGGERS
0:12:41 > 0:12:42Look, I'm sorry!
0:12:44 > 0:12:47It's amazing you've come so far, isn't it?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52"Yes, what I like to do in my spare time,
0:12:52 > 0:12:57"I write out Proust, I use my nail and I chip it into an old flint."
0:12:57 > 0:13:00I can't help it.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02"No, get off Nanny, I haven't finished yet."
0:13:02 > 0:13:05You're such a bully!
0:13:07 > 0:13:11- You're mean.- Sir, sir, Fry's copying out novels again.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15Sir, he's chipping them, he's using a hammer and a chisel,
0:13:15 > 0:13:21he's chiselled out War And Peace on the South Downs.
0:13:21 > 0:13:25You really do live a different life to all the rest,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27you're not like us, are you?
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- You're another, you're not a mortal. - Clearly not.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33You're like sent from some other planet.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35You are, the planet Aesthete, that's what you are.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39- I always thought I was normal, and now I...- No, you're not.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- Oh, well, anyway... - You're a freak.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46Now, what starts with K and is killed by curiosity?
0:13:46 > 0:13:48A kitten.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52- Oh!- Oh, no.- I'm sorry.
0:13:52 > 0:13:55It's an animal species, but not a cat.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58- A lot of these begin with Ks... - Kangaroo.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00- No, but you're in the right hemisphere.- Koala.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03- Again, right hemisphere, not the right country.- Kiwi.
0:14:03 > 0:14:06- Sorry?- Kiwi?- Kiwi. - You're the right type of animal.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09- Kora.- A kea. - Kea is the right answer. Very good.
0:14:09 > 0:14:12- A kea is?- A New Zealand parrot. - A flightless bird.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15No, it's not flightless, oddly enough, it's a parrot.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17And there was a bounty put on them some years ago.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20Kea, which as you can see, look quite ravenous,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23they look almost like eagles, but they are parrots,
0:14:23 > 0:14:27would ride the sheep, peck at them and eat the fat off the poor sheep.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30And so there was a bounty put on their heads
0:14:30 > 0:14:33and New Zealanders found keas were very curious animals.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37It's partly a result of having grown up in a country with no mammals
0:14:37 > 0:14:39for millions of years.
0:14:39 > 0:14:42Anyway, what you do is, you stand behind a rock and wait for a kea
0:14:42 > 0:14:46to come along, and then you drop behind the rock and disappear.
0:14:46 > 0:14:48And the kea thinks, that's odd.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51And he wanders up and he takes a look over,
0:14:51 > 0:14:54and you just, with your club, just go bang, like that.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57Then, that's the beauty of it, you've only just started,
0:14:57 > 0:15:00because you don't have to move, you take the kea and you put it down.
0:15:00 > 0:15:02The kea's friend goes, "Where's Kevin?"
0:15:02 > 0:15:05- Where's Kevin!- Wanders round, comes along like that.
0:15:05 > 0:15:09- Are they all called Kevin? - Then you drop down and disappear, and he goes, "What happened there?
0:15:09 > 0:15:12"There was someone, then there wasn't. How does that happen?"
0:15:12 > 0:15:13And he looks over, bash, like that.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16"Where's Keith?" And so on, all the way through.
0:15:16 > 0:15:19- All the Ks.- You get a huge swag bag of kea.
0:15:19 > 0:15:22- They're not the brightest of birds. - They're not the brightest.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24But the point is, they never needed to be.
0:15:24 > 0:15:28Because New Zealand, just apart from a few bats, never had any mammals...
0:15:28 > 0:15:30- That's true.- All they needed to do was mate and survive.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33The kakapo, for example, another type of parrot,
0:15:33 > 0:15:37the only thing likely to predate on it was a vast eagle
0:15:37 > 0:15:40that used to live in New Zealand called the Haast's eagle
0:15:40 > 0:15:44and so the kakapo solved that by becoming nocturnal like the kiwi.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46So it could be afraid of nothing.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Kiwis aren't the most exciting birds, I have seen kiwis.
0:15:49 > 0:15:53- Have you burrowed into one of their dens?- No, I haven't bothered to do that.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55I did. It's exciting.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57There's one on YouTube playing the piano.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- Oh!- No, no. - Falling down an escalator.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03I've seen them in special areas, you know.
0:16:03 > 0:16:05I went out with this guide and he found one, and he said,
0:16:05 > 0:16:07"Get in there, get in there."
0:16:07 > 0:16:09And so I burrowed and burrowed and burrowed and burrowed.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12And you just see this little eye winking at you,
0:16:12 > 0:16:15and that long wonderful beak, and it just winked.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18- Aah.- And I winked back and then sort of...
0:16:18 > 0:16:21With a little look that just says, "you just destroyed my house."
0:16:21 > 0:16:24- Yeah.- I was careful not to.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28- Aaah.- Aah, lovely! - It took three years to make this.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30The New Zealand government,
0:16:30 > 0:16:34they were given two pandas by the Chinese government in return for
0:16:34 > 0:16:38two kiwis, and I just thought it was a bit of a swiz, you know.
0:16:38 > 0:16:41It's like New Zealand, you know, the zoo in Auckland, all these
0:16:41 > 0:16:44people going, aah, look at them, look at the pandas, and aah!
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Some zoo in Beijing, people going, what?
0:16:47 > 0:16:51- What are they?- These kiwis don't even sneeze.- They don't, nothing.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Very good, very good, very good.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55Now, what is this woman doing though?
0:16:57 > 0:17:01What the...? Is this Lady Gaga's new album cover, is it?
0:17:04 > 0:17:06- She's wearing a... - It's an experiment.
0:17:06 > 0:17:10No, she's using a device that's for sale, or was for sale,
0:17:10 > 0:17:12it was built in 1929.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- A new device.- Knitting jumpers?
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Patented by Dr Kurt Johnen, it records the motions
0:17:17 > 0:17:19and bodily reactions.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21A lady is pictured being examined by the device.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25A pneumatic belt records the change of the circumference of her chest.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30Pneumatic cuffs above the upper arms control the changes of muscle tension.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33Through a hose is recorded the rhythms of respiration,
0:17:33 > 0:17:36and another hose transfers the strength of touch.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39- It's a sex toy. - You would think, wouldn't you?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42But what about her hands? That's the clue, and our theme today?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Piano, she's learning piano.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- Piano?- A keyboard. - Yes, it's a piano teaching machine.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49- Oh.- Oh.- Extraordinary, isn't it?
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- Wow.- It's supposed to help you with your piano playing.
0:17:52 > 0:17:54Your posture, your breathing.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56There have been many others along those lines.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59There was the Chiroplast, which was clamped to the piano
0:17:59 > 0:18:02and trapped the player's arms, that's the one on the left,
0:18:02 > 0:18:06so you were forced to play using only your wrist and finger action.
0:18:06 > 0:18:08You were then crippled.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11The one in the middle was the Dactylion, from the Greek "dactyl", meaning finger.
0:18:11 > 0:18:14A contraption designed to strengthen the fingers, because
0:18:14 > 0:18:17they're springs that you're going against in that middle picture.
0:18:17 > 0:18:19And it's said that Robert Schumann used that
0:18:19 > 0:18:21and it actually hurt his fingers.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Though others say that was syphilis.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28- It's a fine line, isn't it? - It is a fine line.- Oh, always.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32When you're into fingering, syphilis is never far away.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Next to that is the Chiro, or the Chirogymnaste,
0:18:35 > 0:18:36which is a tiny finger gym,
0:18:36 > 0:18:39which has got little finger events and you can see them.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42But if you do harm yourself by using one of these things,
0:18:42 > 0:18:45you can always use the bed piano, for bedridden people.
0:18:45 > 0:18:50- Wow.- Which is a rather splendid device. I think you'll agree.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I hope that's securely attached.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58That is the laziest keyboard player in the world.
0:18:58 > 0:19:00And as you see, it rolls up, pushes away neatly.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03- That's fantastic.- It's great, isn't it?- I want one.
0:19:03 > 0:19:07You can slide pizzas down from the back.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11- Yes.- Bill's sitting there going "I am going to get one of those."
0:19:11 > 0:19:13- I will, I'm going to get one. - Bill will have one of those.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15- That's the piano for the bedroom. - Ha-ha!
0:19:15 > 0:19:18- The upside-down piano, virtual. - That's magic.
0:19:18 > 0:19:22- Be easier to strap yourself into bed and tilt the bed up to a normal piano.- Yeah.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24How would a left-handed piano work?
0:19:24 > 0:19:27It would be high notes at the left.
0:19:27 > 0:19:29- There it is.- And there it is. That is a left-handed piano.- Wow.
0:19:29 > 0:19:34- It would take a hell of a lot of unlearning for you to play on that, wouldn't it?- Good God!
0:19:34 > 0:19:36- Can you imagine? It would drive you mad.- It would.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Transposing pianos, have you ever played with one of those?
0:19:39 > 0:19:42Well, there's a device on the keyboard that will do that for you.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- On an electric keyboard. - On an electric one.
0:19:44 > 0:19:48- There are pianos with a mechanism that can...- It's a lever on it.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50- It moves it across to the next string.- Oh, right.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53Irving Berlin used one, because he only composed in F sharp.
0:19:53 > 0:19:56- He's like Stevie Wonder, who likes the black notes. - He couldn't read music,
0:19:56 > 0:19:59but was the most successful song-writer of his age.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- Really?- Yeah. He couldn't read music, he was fantastically talented,
0:20:02 > 0:20:05He wrote White Christmas, let alone Top Hat, White Tie.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09He lived long enough to be able to see his own songs go
0:20:09 > 0:20:12out of copyright, because his first hit was in 1911,
0:20:12 > 0:20:13with Alexander's Ragtime Band.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16You know, "Come on and hear, come on and hear Alexander's Ragtime Band."
0:20:16 > 0:20:18They only go out of copyright after you're dead.
0:20:18 > 0:20:22No, they do now, but in his day, it was 75 years after it was written.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24- Right.- So he lived long enough to see some of his songs
0:20:24 > 0:20:27go into the public domain. Now it's 70 years after you've died.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31- How old was he when he wrote it? - Early twenties. But had this extraordinary talent.- Amazing.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34There's a long list of things I have to get after this show.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38There's the upside-down piano, the upside-down dinner, I mean, everything, yeah.
0:20:38 > 0:20:44Yeah. So, what did the man who knew everything think cats were good for?
0:20:44 > 0:20:45Well...
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Catching mice.
0:20:47 > 0:20:51- Catching mice.- Isn't the man who knew everything Thomas Young?
0:20:51 > 0:20:54Well, there's various people who were given
0:20:54 > 0:20:57the title of the last man to know everything there was to know.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01Erasmus, Leibnitz, Von Humboldt, and this man here, Kircher, his name is.
0:21:01 > 0:21:04He was a German Jesuit, Athanasius Kircher.
0:21:04 > 0:21:06And he certainly was very interested in lots of things,
0:21:06 > 0:21:10he was lowered into Vesuvius, he believed the Bubonic plague
0:21:10 > 0:21:12was caused by microbes, well ahead of germ theory.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Claimed falsely to have interpreted Egyptian hieroglyphics.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17He regarded things like magnetism
0:21:17 > 0:21:20and love as branches of the same topic, attraction,
0:21:20 > 0:21:24which is a very QI way of looking at things, I like that. Yeah.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26But what are the cats doing?
0:21:26 > 0:21:29Well, we'll come to that. Some things he got right.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31He denied the possibility of flying tortoises.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34I don't know who'd raised the possibility,
0:21:34 > 0:21:36but he damn well squashed it and said, no,
0:21:36 > 0:21:38there won't be such a thing as a flying tortoise.
0:21:38 > 0:21:43- Rubbish.- But he did invent the megaphone, and the Katzenklavier.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47Klavier is in fact German for key, from Klaven, Latin, key,
0:21:47 > 0:21:51- but it's a keyboard instrument. - The cat playing the piano, he invented You Tube.
0:21:51 > 0:21:56I'm afraid, for cat-lovers it's a bit more disturbing than that.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Oh, cat string, gut string.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01No, not cat gut, no, arrange live cats in the right order,
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- according to their voice. - Oh.- And you play...- Drums.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05- And there you go. - Oh, brilliant.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08That's awesome!
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Oh, if only they had YouTube back then.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15The outrage on the comments page.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17It's another thing for your list, isn't it.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20It's on the list. Yes, right up there.
0:22:20 > 0:22:21You've got to get one of those.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24Their tales are fixed in place underneath hammers,
0:22:24 > 0:22:26when a key is pressed, the hammer hits the corresponding,
0:22:26 > 0:22:29you can even get chords and of course there's dynamics.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31The harder you hit, it the more of a yowl.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33It wouldn't necessarily have to be cruel,
0:22:33 > 0:22:35you could get the same mechanism,
0:22:35 > 0:22:37but just have it sort of tickle the bollocks of a cat.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40So it's more like... As opposed to...
0:22:40 > 0:22:41- For a trill. - Yeah.
0:22:41 > 0:22:46MIMICS CATS PLAYING 'HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGY IN THE WINDOW?'
0:22:46 > 0:22:49What do they think, that you have an A cat and a B cat?
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- Yeah.- And a C cat? - I guess you just go round.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54But there are only six cats and there are more than six keys, so...
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Well, that's true, that's a limited range, it's very...
0:22:58 > 0:23:00- Experimental music. - Experimental music.
0:23:00 > 0:23:02All the other keys hit mice inside the box.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05It's doubtful he actually built it,
0:23:05 > 0:23:07but he certainly wrote out the plans to one.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09There are comparable records of pig organs,
0:23:09 > 0:23:13that Louis XI of France, had one made by the Abbot of Baigne.
0:23:13 > 0:23:16There you are, getting ascending order of pig, pig, pig.
0:23:16 > 0:23:17That's fantastic.
0:23:17 > 0:23:20I like the woman singing along with them as well.
0:23:20 > 0:23:23You think she's playing the pigs, but the pigs are playing her.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27And as late as the mid-19th century,
0:23:27 > 0:23:30there was some instruments known variously as the Pig Organ,
0:23:30 > 0:23:33the Hog Harmonium, Pigano, the Porko Forte,
0:23:33 > 0:23:36or worst of all, the Swineway Grand.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40So there you are, yes,
0:23:40 > 0:23:42several people have tried to make musical instruments
0:23:42 > 0:23:43out of live animals,
0:23:43 > 0:23:46although it doesn't really work very well in practice.
0:23:46 > 0:23:48And now for the welcome return of a keynote of QI,
0:23:48 > 0:23:51a bit of General Ignorance very quickly. Fingers on keypads.
0:23:51 > 0:23:55Nicely flexed and name something written by Winston Churchill?
0:23:55 > 0:23:57Who was that? Yes?
0:23:57 > 0:23:59- The Second World War. - Oh!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Have another go.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05He won the Nobel Prize, didn't he.
0:24:05 > 0:24:07He won the Nobel Prize for Literature. Yes, he did.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08He wrote so much.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11Our Prime Minister won the Nobel Prize for Literature, no question.
0:24:11 > 0:24:14Winston Churchill did not write under the name Winston Churchill.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- Our Prime Minister didn't. - Oh, that's right.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- What did he write under the name of? - Anne Bronte.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24The Gathering Storm, by Anne Bronte.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26Daphne du Maurier.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28My early years.
0:24:28 > 0:24:29Katie Price.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34No, what's his full name? Do you remember his full...?
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- Spencer. - William Leonard Spencer Churchill.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39- Oh, Leonard.- So he wrote under the name of Winston S Churchill.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41Because when he started writing,
0:24:41 > 0:24:44there was a very successful American novelist called Winston Churchill.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46And so out of politeness to him
0:24:46 > 0:24:48he wrote to him this very complicated letter,
0:24:48 > 0:24:50which was sort of jokey, I think, he says -
0:24:50 > 0:24:54"Winston Churchill has no doubt that Mr Winston Churchill will recognise from this letter,
0:24:54 > 0:24:55"if indeed by no other means,
0:24:55 > 0:24:59"that there is grave danger of his works being mistaken for those of Mr Winston Churchill.
0:24:59 > 0:25:03"He feels sure that Mr Winston Churchill desires this as little as he does himself.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06"In future to avoid mistakes as far as possible,
0:25:06 > 0:25:09"Mr Winston Churchill has decided to sign all published articles, stories or other works,
0:25:09 > 0:25:12"Winston Spencer Churchill and not Winston Churchill as formerly.
0:25:12 > 0:25:16"He trusts that this arrangement will commend itself to Mr Winston Churchill."
0:25:16 > 0:25:18And Winston Churchill replied,
0:25:18 > 0:25:21"Mr Winston Churchill appreciates the courtesy of Mr Winston Churchill
0:25:21 > 0:25:24"in adopting the name of Winston Spencer Churchill in his books, articles, etc.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28"Mr Winston Churchill makes haste to add that had he possessed any other names,
0:25:28 > 0:25:30"he would certainly have adopted one of them."
0:25:30 > 0:25:32- There you go. So how polite. - That's so lovely.
0:25:32 > 0:25:35I like the fact they refer to themselves in the third person.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Mr Churchill all the time, I know.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41Now, what truly grim reading matter was banned in Germany after the War?
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Romantic comedies? Mills and Boon?
0:25:46 > 0:25:48"Say what you hear. The clue is in the question."
0:25:48 > 0:25:51- What was the question again? - Say the question again.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53What truly grim reading matter was...?
0:25:53 > 0:25:54The Brothers Grimm.
0:25:54 > 0:25:56- Brothers Grimm. - Oh, right.
0:25:56 > 0:26:00Because people believed that real savagery of the Grimm fairy tales
0:26:00 > 0:26:04had contributed to something that had turned the German people nasty,
0:26:04 > 0:26:06the perceived barbarity of the people.
0:26:06 > 0:26:10The argument they'd fostered obedience, discipline,
0:26:10 > 0:26:14authoritarianism, nationalism, glorification of violence,
0:26:14 > 0:26:16all that kind of thing, became part of the national character.
0:26:16 > 0:26:18According to a British Major, TJ Leonard,
0:26:18 > 0:26:21he said the fairytales had helped teach German children
0:26:21 > 0:26:24"all the varieties of barbarousness."
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Including light flannelling.
0:26:28 > 0:26:31And it made them easy to fit the role of hangman,
0:26:31 > 0:26:32and so on and so forth.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34One of the stories was called
0:26:34 > 0:26:37How Children Played Butcher With Each Other,
0:26:37 > 0:26:38which was really savage.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40That was removed from the second edition.
0:26:40 > 0:26:44And in the Frog King, the frog is not kissed by the princess,
0:26:44 > 0:26:48he's hurled against a wall with all the strength she has,
0:26:48 > 0:26:51to turn him into a prince. A rather battered, bruised prince.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53- That'll do it. - Yeah.- At two miles an hour.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Two miles an hour, against a...
0:26:56 > 0:26:58And he goes like that... Argh!
0:26:59 > 0:27:00It was all he could do.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02- He's got little froggy arms. - Yeah.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05On the other hand, there is a lyrical quality.
0:27:05 > 0:27:08The last in the collection, you'll love this story.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11There's a little poor boy goes out into a wintry forest
0:27:11 > 0:27:13to collect wood on a sled.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18In the snow he finds a tiny key and next to it an iron box.
0:27:20 > 0:27:25The boy inserts the key, he turns it, he lifts the lid.
0:27:25 > 0:27:32SUSPENSEFUL TUNE PLAYS
0:27:32 > 0:27:35He lifts the lid...
0:27:35 > 0:27:41TUNE CONTINUES
0:27:41 > 0:27:43End of story.
0:27:43 > 0:27:45Oh, really?
0:27:45 > 0:27:46That's Pulp Fiction.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48Exactly, it's the suitcase in Pulp Fiction,
0:27:48 > 0:27:49exactly what I thought of it.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52The rest is up to your imagination, boys and girls.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54- What do you think was in that box? - A frog.- Porn.
0:27:54 > 0:27:56- I think it was a stash of porn. Yeah.- A flannel.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00That's why I used to go into the woods.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Well, we've ended on a sour, bitter and very rude note.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08Which is the way we like to end on QI.
0:28:08 > 0:28:09- Once again. - Yes, hurrah.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11Which brings us to the scores. And let's have a look.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15My word, my goodness, my gracious, my goodness and my everything,
0:28:15 > 0:28:18in first place, with plus three, is Bill Bailey!
0:28:20 > 0:28:23Wow. I've never won!
0:28:23 > 0:28:25How did you end up with plus three?
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Second place for a first timer, with minus eight, it's Isy.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31Oh, well done.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Third place, on his first appearance, is really not bad,
0:28:38 > 0:28:39it's Tim Minchin.
0:28:42 > 0:28:46And yes, in fourth place is Alan Davies!
0:28:53 > 0:28:56So that's it from Isy, Tim, Bill, Alan and me.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58And good night.
0:29:20 > 0:29:23Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd