0:00:02 > 0:00:09This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Gooooooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening
0:00:33 > 0:00:35and welcome to QI,
0:00:35 > 0:00:38where tonight we're on the move with K for Kinetic.
0:00:38 > 0:00:41Let's meet motor-mouth Danny Baker.
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Thank you. Good evening. Thank you.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Speed-freak Marcus Brigstocke.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54Go-go girl Jo Brand.
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Go-go girl?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00And poetry in motion - Alan Davies.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Thank you. That's nice.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09And let's hear your beats, bruvs.
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Danny goes...
0:01:10 > 0:01:12# I like to move it, move it... #
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Yeah. It's too loud for me today.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Marcus goes...
0:01:16 > 0:01:19# I've got the moves like Jagger... #
0:01:20 > 0:01:22Jo goes...
0:01:22 > 0:01:25# Moving on up Nothing can stop me... #
0:01:25 > 0:01:27And Alan goes...
0:01:27 > 0:01:31# Saturday night at the movies Who cares what picture we see... #
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Movies.
0:01:34 > 0:01:37Kinema was originally what cinema was called.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40From the same word as kinetic, it was kinematic moving,
0:01:40 > 0:01:41ie, moving pictures.
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Well, Kinetic of course means anything to do with movement,
0:01:44 > 0:01:48so, for heaven's sake, let's get moving. Where will this get me?
0:01:48 > 0:01:50I'm going to find my broom here.
0:01:50 > 0:01:54If I were to move my hands together like this, what would happen?
0:01:54 > 0:01:56Whether I did this one a bit more than that one,
0:01:56 > 0:01:57or that one a bit more than that one.
0:01:57 > 0:02:00What would happen, at the end, when my hands met?
0:02:00 > 0:02:02- The heavy end would fall down. - No.- Shut up!
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Extraordinary, when you do this,
0:02:04 > 0:02:08you will always find it meets at the centre of gravity. Always.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Because the resistance from the heavy end slows...
0:02:11 > 0:02:12Yeah, exactly, so as long as
0:02:12 > 0:02:15you're just sort of doing it without thinking, you know,
0:02:15 > 0:02:17it just meets up like that, and it balances.
0:02:17 > 0:02:19It doesn't actually look a very natural implement
0:02:19 > 0:02:21in your hand, Stephen.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24But you've got one. Maybe it'll look more natural in yours.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27Yeah, I am a drudge.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29You can ride it home tonight.
0:02:29 > 0:02:32- Here we go. - You've all got one, so try it.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38- Obviously...- His fell apart! - ..everybody except Alan.
0:02:38 > 0:02:39Now try properly.
0:02:39 > 0:02:43Obviously the left hand won't move as far as the right one.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Is it working for you, Marcus? Please, God!
0:02:48 > 0:02:50- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Jo isn't even trying.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53No, well, I can tell you, there are women all over the country going,
0:02:53 > 0:02:56"Look at the silly bastards. We've got to clean the floor with it."
0:02:58 > 0:03:00- Oh, man, this is... - I've been trying this all afternoon
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- and I can't make it do anything else.- No!
0:03:02 > 0:03:05It's like it's got the Uri Geller touch about it, it's just...
0:03:05 > 0:03:07Ohhh, cool.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09That is bizarre.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12- Aaah. - Well, that's really disappointing.
0:03:12 > 0:03:14- This one's Kate Moss.- Yeah, baby.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16I'm completely astounded.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18We're all very disappointed.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Every single person who's tried this...
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Is there any money in doing it wrong?
0:03:22 > 0:03:26LAUGHTER
0:03:26 > 0:03:28APPLAUSE
0:03:28 > 0:03:31It's just like, I'm not doing it on purpose, I promise I'm not...
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- Close your eyes.- Look at that!
0:03:33 > 0:03:37There, that's good. You've found the centre of gravity perfectly there.
0:03:38 > 0:03:40The thing is, you're tilting it, Danny.
0:03:40 > 0:03:42You've got to keep it straight.
0:03:42 > 0:03:44No. I promise you, I'm trying to tilt it. It's not...
0:03:44 > 0:03:49No, you're tilting it. That's working perfectly.
0:03:49 > 0:03:50Well...
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Physical comedy so early in the show.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55I know. You can't beat it.
0:03:55 > 0:03:59- Last time, last time, last time. Last time. It's level, yes?- Yeah.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02Level. It's going, I can feel it's going... Aah.
0:04:02 > 0:04:03Hurray!
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Phew!
0:04:09 > 0:04:11- Human error.- And this, now that's interesting.
0:04:11 > 0:04:15Why do you think you can balance it with the centre of gravity so high?
0:04:15 > 0:04:19- Because we know where the centre of gravity is.- Because I am a genius!
0:04:19 > 0:04:21- LAUGHTER - That's right.
0:04:21 > 0:04:23But if you try and do that from the bottom end,
0:04:23 > 0:04:25but not grasping the brushes,
0:04:25 > 0:04:27literally just balancing it on your palm,
0:04:27 > 0:04:31- it'll just fall over. Not... You mustn't grasp it.- Like that.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- Hello. That's really good, actually.- Yes.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39I'm just going to rip...
0:04:39 > 0:04:43I think the show's broom techy might need a word after the programme.
0:04:43 > 0:04:46APPLAUSE
0:04:49 > 0:04:52- Well, thank you very much, my science elves...- Exactly.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55..for all your moments of inertia and your centres of mass.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59I like this. This game's brilliant, because you don't need to be clever.
0:04:59 > 0:05:05No, exactly. You just need to know a variety of broom-related tricks.
0:05:05 > 0:05:08- Well, the centre of gravity is the issue there, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:05:08 > 0:05:10Discovered by Archimedes, supposedly.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13Could anyone hear him speak, Archimedes? Was it just a...?
0:05:13 > 0:05:14HE MAKES SQUEAKING NOISE
0:05:14 > 0:05:18It did sound as if it was coming through dense undergrowth.
0:05:18 > 0:05:21There's a man in the bushes. "No, it's me, it's me."
0:05:23 > 0:05:25Behind you, there's a man in the bush.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27"No, I'm telling you, it's me speaking."
0:05:27 > 0:05:30Anyway, listen, the idea is that you will always find
0:05:30 > 0:05:34the centre of gravity of a broom, as you zoom your hands together.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36Try it at home. Jesus, God!
0:05:37 > 0:05:41So, now, what would happen if the Earth suddenly stopped spinning?
0:05:41 > 0:05:44- We'd all fly off it.- Oh! ALARM BLARES
0:05:44 > 0:05:46Marcus-y, Marcus-y, Marcus-y, Marcus.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49- Wouldn't we all fall off, then? - We wouldn't fall off, no. No.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- Oh, there would be numerous consequences, Stephen.- There would.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57Name a consequence?
0:05:57 > 0:06:00Well, half of the world would be plunged into eternal darkness...
0:06:00 > 0:06:01That's a very good point.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03..and they would all leave and come and join the light side.
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- Or would some of them go to the dark side?- Ah.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09It would change the very nature of human life on the planet,
0:06:09 > 0:06:11from the dark to the light people.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13What about the animals?
0:06:13 > 0:06:16All the ones who like the dark, they'd have to get to the dark side.
0:06:16 > 0:06:17All the moths would have to go...
0:06:17 > 0:06:19All the moths would have to go that way.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21The butterflies would have to go that way.
0:06:21 > 0:06:22The moles would be really confused.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27What about on Daybreak, when they start broadcasting,
0:06:27 > 0:06:30that would be confusing. How do they know when to start Daybreak
0:06:30 > 0:06:32if they're on the light side?
0:06:32 > 0:06:35Well, the point is, the Earth spins at about 1,000 miles an hour,
0:06:35 > 0:06:37at the equator.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40It would have to be almost 17 times more than that
0:06:40 > 0:06:42to defeat the effect of gravity.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45We would just scrape along the ground at 1,000 miles an hour,
0:06:45 > 0:06:47and we'd, you know... Good to have shares in Savlon,
0:06:47 > 0:06:49because we'd have any number of bruises.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52If I scraped along the ground at 1,000 miles an hour,
0:06:52 > 0:06:53I'd kill a load of old ladies.
0:06:55 > 0:06:57It wouldn't be pleasant. What we couldn't do
0:06:57 > 0:06:59is have enough force to go out of the atmosphere.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02The fact is, you wouldn't fly off, although it's a compelling image.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05You'd just scrape along the ground and probably bump into things.
0:07:05 > 0:07:09Now, what travels the wrong way along a motorway
0:07:09 > 0:07:10at 12 miles per hour?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12- # Moving... # - Yes, baby?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14Is it an elderly man in a Morris Minor?
0:07:16 > 0:07:20- No, it's one of those motorised wheelchairs, normally.- Oh!
0:07:20 > 0:07:23KLAXON
0:07:23 > 0:07:27- Oh, no, I got half of that.- No, you were both going for the same thing.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31Well, no, this is an effect we might all have experienced on motorways,
0:07:31 > 0:07:34and a deeply unpleasant one, and yet a perplexing one.
0:07:34 > 0:07:36There was a wonderful New Yorker cartoon,
0:07:36 > 0:07:37which showed a huge traffic jam
0:07:37 > 0:07:39and a man looking in a puzzled way at a sign that said,
0:07:39 > 0:07:42"Traffic jam clears inexplicably three miles ahead."
0:07:42 > 0:07:45And that's the phenomenon we're looking at if you drive,
0:07:45 > 0:07:47you know that sometimes you can be in this terrible traffic jam
0:07:47 > 0:07:49and then it will magically clear.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51There are no cones, no police, there's never...
0:07:51 > 0:07:54Not been anything wrong. And you think, "What was that about?"
0:07:54 > 0:07:56And there's a science which is like fluid dynamics,
0:07:56 > 0:08:00but they use things called "kinematic wave equations".
0:08:00 > 0:08:02And what happens is, a car will suddenly brake
0:08:02 > 0:08:04and the car behind it will brake,
0:08:04 > 0:08:06and the car behind it will brake, and so on and so on,
0:08:06 > 0:08:09and it sends a ripple effect back through the traffic.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11And the one ahead can start off again quite cheerfully,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14saying, "Oh, it was only a pigeon diving at my windscreen."
0:08:14 > 0:08:17But the other ones are still slowing down.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19And they continue to, going backwards.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20There you see them backing up.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23And they continue to back up for quite long distances,
0:08:23 > 0:08:25while the ones ahead are free.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28But they've discovered that pulse, backwards, of braking,
0:08:28 > 0:08:31travels on average about 12 miles an hour and can cause big jams.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Presumably you get the same effect
0:08:32 > 0:08:35when there's a police car in the slow lane doing 68 as well.
0:08:35 > 0:08:37Oh, yes, that's so annoying, you inch past it.
0:08:37 > 0:08:38Everyone, doing 68, yeah.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41- If I just... I bet police love that. - Do you ever give them the look...?
0:08:41 > 0:08:45They're going, "Oh, look, he's going 71. Shall we? Shall we?"
0:08:45 > 0:08:48But of course we know nothing of traffic jams in this country.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52Which country is the absolute heroic epicentre of the traffic jams,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55- of all traffic jams? - I would think India.
0:08:55 > 0:08:59No, it's China. China has epic, I mean epic, traffic jams.
0:08:59 > 0:09:04They had one in 2010 that was over 80 miles long
0:09:04 > 0:09:08and it moved on average less than a kilometre a day.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12I'm not kidding you, that's how bad it was.
0:09:12 > 0:09:13And they're so bad regularly,
0:09:13 > 0:09:16that they now have quite profitable services
0:09:16 > 0:09:18where you call up this service
0:09:18 > 0:09:20and they arrive on a motorbike, two people on a motorbike.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22One gets in and takes your place in the traffic jam,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25and you get on the back and the other one drives you through the traffic.
0:09:25 > 0:09:27Do people bring you things?
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- Like will you get a phone-a-pizza and that kind of thing?- Probably.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33They're an enterprising people, the Chinese, I should imagine so.
0:09:33 > 0:09:34But it would be very difficult,
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I suppose if you bought the pizza on a motorbike, you'd be all right.
0:09:37 > 0:09:40But it would be quite frustrating to order the pizza, you know,
0:09:40 > 0:09:44"We're at the lights, so we're four days away."
0:09:46 > 0:09:49I was quite impressed. I went to Las Vegas last year
0:09:49 > 0:09:52and they have those billboard trucks
0:09:52 > 0:09:57that say they can deliver a hooker to your room in 25 minutes,
0:09:57 > 0:10:00but the pizza still takes half-an-hour.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04So what I worked out is that you could,
0:10:04 > 0:10:08if you had the resources, get the hooker to pick up the pizza for you.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10APPLAUSE
0:10:10 > 0:10:13That's absolutely brilliant.
0:10:15 > 0:10:16Oh, wonderful. Wonderful.
0:10:16 > 0:10:20- You still have to pay for extra toppings.- I was going to say.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23Oh, heavens above. There are all kinds of... Yes. Very fine.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26They're called phantom traffic jams,
0:10:26 > 0:10:29when they are waves that flow backwards at 12 miles an hour.
0:10:29 > 0:10:33So, you're a mosquito, it starts raining heavily, what happens next?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35Umbrellas, they put umbrellas up.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38That's a lovely idea.
0:10:38 > 0:10:43They're flying about going like that, "Aah, I love it, aaah."
0:10:43 > 0:10:45The problem they face is that one rain drop
0:10:45 > 0:10:47is 50 times heavier than they are,
0:10:47 > 0:10:50- so you'd imagine they're being knocked sideways by them.- Good.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- But yes... And frankly good bloody riddance!- I bloody hate them!
0:10:53 > 0:10:55But this is what happens...
0:10:55 > 0:10:57- They just brush them aside.- Oh.- Oh.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59And sometimes they actually ride on them.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02We actually annoyingly don't have film of them riding on them,
0:11:02 > 0:11:04and then they leap off just before they hit the ground and burst.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06They very sort of elegantly cope with them.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08Because they like wet weather...
0:11:08 > 0:11:10I genuinely think that we have slept-walked
0:11:10 > 0:11:11into being a mosquito nation.
0:11:11 > 0:11:15- I don't remember mosquitoes. Gnats, yes. Swarms of gnats.- Yeah.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18Mosquitoes were something you experienced abroad.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20But now they say there's only one thing guaranteed,
0:11:20 > 0:11:23if you're having a barbecue, to keep the mosquitoes away from the food,
0:11:23 > 0:11:26that's hang a big bag of blood over by the neighbours' house,
0:11:26 > 0:11:29and you'll find they'll always go that way.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32But I don't remember mosquitoes being in this country...
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Well, it's climate change.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36- ..and I think the Daily Mail should look into it.- Yes.
0:11:36 > 0:11:40You could obviously want to take the tube to stay nice and dry
0:11:40 > 0:11:42and avoid the problem of rain drops at all,
0:11:42 > 0:11:45but there is, in fact, a special sub-species of mosquito
0:11:45 > 0:11:48that lives only on the London Underground.
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- Yeah?- Yeah, and it bites rats, dogs and people,
0:11:51 > 0:11:55and it's called Culex pipiens molestus.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58There it is.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01It's not that big, don't worry. Please.
0:12:02 > 0:12:04That, I promise you, that really is a horrible...
0:12:04 > 0:12:07Would you like a seat? Thanks very much.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09I've bitten four rats and I'm exhausted.
0:12:10 > 0:12:13So, if it's raining is it best to run into the dry,
0:12:13 > 0:12:16or to walk slowly into the dry?
0:12:16 > 0:12:18In order to be less wet.
0:12:18 > 0:12:20I've just realised how much of my life I've spent,
0:12:20 > 0:12:22when it rains, trying to work this out.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25Going, "If I run, am I running into more rain drops?"
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Yes, exactly. That's the point.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30"Or if I walk. So what's going to make me wetter?"
0:12:30 > 0:12:33And by the time I've stopped and figured that out, I'm drenched.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Yes.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- You run, but you run sideways... - Ah, yours is...
0:12:37 > 0:12:38..in a very narrow shape.
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- You're absolutely on the money here, Alan.- Really?
0:12:45 > 0:12:47Is that right?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49If, yeah. If you're thin. So there are many, many variables.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51Pull your tummy in, pull your tummy in.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53It's all been thought through by a man called...
0:12:53 > 0:12:57- So, fat people get wet? - No, well...- Fucking typical.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- That's a good title for a book... - It is.- Fat People...
0:13:01 > 0:13:02..Fat People Get Wet.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Isn't it a Randy Newman song?
0:13:08 > 0:13:11# Fat people get wet... #
0:13:11 > 0:13:14Professor Franco Bocci actually wrote a paper
0:13:14 > 0:13:15in the European Journal Of Physics.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17- He's a high-level physics man... - I love that journal.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Obviously it was sort of semi jokey,
0:13:20 > 0:13:22but it covered all the points you've made.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25It recommends that if the rain is falling straight down,
0:13:25 > 0:13:27or being blown towards you by the wind,
0:13:27 > 0:13:29you should run as fast as you can until you reach shelter.
0:13:29 > 0:13:30If the wind is behind you,
0:13:30 > 0:13:33you should try and match the speed of the wind.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37If the wind is from the side,
0:13:37 > 0:13:39fat people should run as fast as they can.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Whereas very thin people might be better off walking.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48The maths behind it is apparently fiendishly complex.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51- If it's from the side, run as fast as you can.- Yeah.
0:13:51 > 0:13:53Be pretty galling to be in that situation
0:13:53 > 0:13:56and see a mosquito surfing past. Weee.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02So, now then, do you remember when snails were faster?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Yes.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08Good. You probably do. You probably do.
0:14:08 > 0:14:11- Incrementally, by such a small amount.- Yeah?
0:14:11 > 0:14:12They're slowing down?
0:14:12 > 0:14:14They, snails are slowing down, yes.
0:14:16 > 0:14:17It's like that awful joke
0:14:17 > 0:14:20about the builder who turns round and stamps on a snail and says,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23"That bastard has been following me round all day."
0:14:24 > 0:14:27What about the bloke...? The snail who knocks on the door
0:14:27 > 0:14:30and the bloke picks it up and he goes...throws it away.
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Then about two days later, he hears "bing-bong",
0:14:32 > 0:14:35and he opens the door and the snail goes, "What?"
0:14:37 > 0:14:41But they do... Apparently, if you throw them away,
0:14:41 > 0:14:45they do make their way back to where you flung them from.
0:14:45 > 0:14:48I'm sure I read that. I'm sure someone painted up some...
0:14:48 > 0:14:50- Not thinking of cats?- Oh, yes.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51Yes, yes.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54- You're thinking grandparents. - Grandparents!
0:14:55 > 0:14:58- No, I'm sure... - But you are right about snails,
0:14:58 > 0:15:01and of course they're the easiest animals on earth to mark, virtually.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02I mean, because of the shell.
0:15:02 > 0:15:05So, some scientists from Chile took the common garden snail,
0:15:05 > 0:15:08and what they did on each one is they measured their metabolism
0:15:08 > 0:15:11by the amount of CO2 they emitted at rest.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14And then they released them into the wild,
0:15:14 > 0:15:17and then later they went out
0:15:17 > 0:15:20and found some dead ones and some still-living ones.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23And they found that the size of the snails
0:15:23 > 0:15:25had no effect on their survival and thriving rates,
0:15:25 > 0:15:27but the metabolic rate did.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28The lower the snail's metabolic rate,
0:15:28 > 0:15:30the greater the chance of survival.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33It seems that nature is selecting for snails with a slower metabolism,
0:15:33 > 0:15:35giving it more time to do that kind of thing.
0:15:35 > 0:15:39- Oh, yeah, look at him.- Yeah. Now that's lazy. That is lazy.
0:15:39 > 0:15:40I mean, say what you want.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Are they slowing down because they've taken up smoking?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- Is that why they're slower? - It's a good point.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49I think it's evolutionary pressure is slowing them down, as it were,
0:15:49 > 0:15:50selecting them for slowing.
0:15:50 > 0:15:54I think I read somewhere that they were the first things we farmed.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Do you know? I think that rings a bell.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59I have a feeling they were the first things we farmed because...
0:15:59 > 0:16:02Well, because they're relatively easy to farm.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05I mean, it's a quiet day for a snail shepherd, you know.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09I would think, but they found evidence
0:16:09 > 0:16:11from very, very early man that...
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- That we'd farmed them, yeah. - You're absolutely right.
0:16:13 > 0:16:16In fact, we covered this, didn't we, Alan? Do you remember?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- Is your memory stirring? - Yes, we did.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20That's what's happened with QI now. You'll have people like me
0:16:20 > 0:16:24coming on and going, "I'm sure I heard somewhere..."
0:16:24 > 0:16:26I can't think where the hell it was.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32So, if you want to catch a snail, there's no hurry.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34The longer you leave it, the slower it'll be going.
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Who are Europe's biggest swingers?
0:16:40 > 0:16:41- The Germans.- The Germans?
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- ALARM WAILS - Oh, dear. Here we go.
0:16:45 > 0:16:47- Could be a long ride.- The Dutch.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50- Dutch, that's an interesting one. - Ah, haha!
0:16:51 > 0:16:53Damn and curses.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Don't say any Scandinavian countries, whatever you do.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59- Very wise.- Do you mean swingers, like, that swing from things?
0:16:59 > 0:17:01I literally do, yeah.
0:17:01 > 0:17:04Or swingers that are married couples looking for some excitement?
0:17:04 > 0:17:07Cunning you. You have seen through our ploy.
0:17:07 > 0:17:10It is indeed the more literal former.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12I don't know anything about that.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14People who use swings in a sporting way. They have...
0:17:14 > 0:17:18- I do about the other. - Yes, of course.
0:17:18 > 0:17:22They have a national pastime, which is called Kiiking,
0:17:22 > 0:17:26- or Kiiking, K-I-I-K.- Hungarians.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28Oddly enough, it's one of only two other countries
0:17:28 > 0:17:31that has a language which is based on the same language as Hungary.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33- Iceland.- No.- Finland.
0:17:33 > 0:17:35No, though Finland is one of them.
0:17:35 > 0:17:37- It's Estonia, bizarrely.- Estonia.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Yeah, it's Estonia, Finland and Hungary
0:17:39 > 0:17:41are part of the Finno ugric linguistic family.
0:17:41 > 0:17:43I had a UKIP leaflet came through the door
0:17:43 > 0:17:47saying that's how they're going to get in, using big swings.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50All of them, apparently, the whole lot,
0:17:50 > 0:17:53they're all just going to swing in in one day.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- Well, they will take up space in our parks...- That's right.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58Swinging in a way that we've never seen before. Behold Kiiking.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00They can swing better than we can.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03You'll see something that we thought was impossible when we were children.
0:18:03 > 0:18:07- You start off like that...- He's not going to go round the top, is he?
0:18:07 > 0:18:09- He's not going to go over the top?! - Surely he couldn't.
0:18:09 > 0:18:11- Look at that, big leg thrusts.- Well...
0:18:11 > 0:18:13Big leg thrusts at just the right moment.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15He could have someone's eye out.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18Hitting the resonance of the pendulum just at the right moment.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20- He's been to see Matilda.- Oops.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Ah, now he's higher. Come on, baby!
0:18:24 > 0:18:28- There he goes!- Yes!
0:18:28 > 0:18:30Wowzeroonie! And then nearly up then.
0:18:30 > 0:18:32- So, that's the sport. - That's tremendous.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35The interesting thing is, those arms, they are adjustable,
0:18:35 > 0:18:38so everyone has a go. When they've all done it at that height,
0:18:38 > 0:18:40you then extend the arms telescopically,
0:18:40 > 0:18:43you bracket them up, and it's a bit like the high jump or something.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44All those who can't do it drop out
0:18:44 > 0:18:47until you've got a winner who's got the longest arm setting
0:18:47 > 0:18:49and has done a complete 360 degree turn.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52You'd have to raise the height of the axis though, wouldn't you?
0:18:52 > 0:18:56- That would be very important. - Yes.- Otherwise...
0:18:56 > 0:19:00- Oh, heavens, yes.- I mean, it's good, it's nice to win, but...
0:19:00 > 0:19:02No. Exactly.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Well put. They look obviously immensely strong,
0:19:04 > 0:19:07the thighs are very strong, getting that real sort of kick in
0:19:07 > 0:19:11- because they haven't got Daddy pushing. - I'm imagining the thighs now.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Oh, stop it! Picture...
0:19:13 > 0:19:15They're immensely strong.
0:19:15 > 0:19:20Anyway, the Estonians have taken swinging right over the top.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Now, what's the world's highest waterfall?
0:19:23 > 0:19:26That is to say, it has the longest drop.
0:19:26 > 0:19:29- Is it in South America?- No.
0:19:29 > 0:19:31- It's not Angel Falls?- Angel.
0:19:31 > 0:19:33KLAXON
0:19:33 > 0:19:36Oh, no. I've...soiled my clean sheet.
0:19:38 > 0:19:39Oh, Jo!
0:19:39 > 0:19:42- What a tragedy.- It is.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Its drop is 11,500 feet.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47Angel Falls is only 3,212 feet.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50But you think, well, what is it called then?
0:19:50 > 0:19:52- What's its name? The weird thing is, it doesn't have a name.- Oh.
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- It's actually underwater... - Underwater.
0:19:55 > 0:19:57..between Greenland and Iceland.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59Why does it count as a waterfall, though,
0:19:59 > 0:20:01when there's loads of water there anyway?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04Because it's a huge current of cold water dropping down,
0:20:04 > 0:20:06and it is a waterfall within water.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08But this... This doesn't have a name, right?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11No, weirdly, it doesn't. The QI Waterfall.
0:20:11 > 0:20:15- The QI Waterfall, yes. - The Alan Davies Waterfall.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16The Alan Davies Cascade.
0:20:17 > 0:20:20- That would be a good name, wouldn't it?- Now you're talking.- Yeah.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22That's a haircut as well, isn't it?
0:20:22 > 0:20:27- LAUGHTER - Very good.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33It's also a position.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40Can't do it any more, I need support.
0:20:42 > 0:20:44The unnamed QI Waterfall
0:20:44 > 0:20:48carries at least 175 million cubic feet of cold water per second.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52- It's the equivalent of 2,000 Niagaras at peak flow.- Wow.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55Yeah. So, what's the world's biggest river?
0:20:55 > 0:20:56And where is it?
0:20:56 > 0:21:00- Is it underwater? - KLAXON
0:21:02 > 0:21:04It's a nice thought.
0:21:04 > 0:21:09- Amazon.- Oh! - KLAXON
0:21:09 > 0:21:11- Hang on. There you go.- Nile. - Nile? Well, you just...
0:21:11 > 0:21:14KLAXON
0:21:16 > 0:21:20- When you said biggest?- Yeah. - What do you mean? Widest, longest?
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- Carries the most water. - Carries the most water.
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Well, you're going to be so angry. It's in the sky.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27- They're called atmospheric rivers.- Oh!
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Oh, now, I've got to say,
0:21:30 > 0:21:33sometimes, on behalf of the audience, I hate this programme.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35APPLAUSE
0:21:37 > 0:21:38I agree.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40I agree and I'm really...
0:21:40 > 0:21:42This is hurting you far more than it hurts me. No...
0:21:42 > 0:21:44They're known as atmospheric rivers.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47They're vast ribbons of water vapour moving water around the world.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49They appear in different places, different times.
0:21:49 > 0:21:502,000 kilometres long.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Are they the ones that are perfectly timed
0:21:52 > 0:21:54to coincide with bank holidays?
0:21:54 > 0:21:57Yes, absolutely. In fact you're right. They're the ones.
0:21:57 > 0:22:002,000 kilometres long and only a few kilometres wide,
0:22:00 > 0:22:02but although they cover less than 10% of the globe,
0:22:02 > 0:22:03four or five of them
0:22:03 > 0:22:07- contain 90% of all the world's water vapour at a time.- Wow.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10So the world's biggest rivers are in the sky - I'm sorry about that.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13But seriously, name the world's biggest river that isn't in the sky.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Go on, Alan. Go on, Al.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21An actual river this time?
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- That isn't in the sky. No, that isn't in the sky.- Yes, but...
0:22:24 > 0:22:28Is it one of those ones that Alan's mentioned already?
0:22:28 > 0:22:29- Do you think, maybe?- No.
0:22:29 > 0:22:34There is a river under the Amazon called the Rio Hamza,
0:22:34 > 0:22:37and it is actually bigger than the Amazon itself.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40- It was only discovered in 2011. - The Rio Hamza?
0:22:40 > 0:22:44- Yes, exactly, the Abu Hamza. - Is it sort of hook-shaped?
0:22:45 > 0:22:48It is a really sad coincidence, I'm afraid.
0:22:48 > 0:22:52- A river hated by the tabloids. - It's hated by the tabloids.
0:22:52 > 0:22:56Yes, they collected data from 241 abandoned deep wells
0:22:56 > 0:23:00and it runs 6,000 kilometres, like the Amazon above it,
0:23:00 > 0:23:03but is up to four times wider.
0:23:03 > 0:23:07And that's 200-to-400 kilometres wide.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10- How far down is it?- Four kilometres beneath the Amazon itself.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12I mean, some people would say it's an aquaflow,
0:23:12 > 0:23:14but it actually flows horizontally, like a river.
0:23:14 > 0:23:18- And it is called "hio", which is river flows.- Do things live in it?
0:23:18 > 0:23:20There must be organisms.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22No matter how crap a place is,
0:23:22 > 0:23:24Attenborough always goes, "Even here...
0:23:26 > 0:23:30- "..something very stupid..." - Then something comes past going...
0:23:30 > 0:23:31"..has built its house."
0:23:33 > 0:23:36- ..like the Muppets. - Yeah. He'll go anywhere, won't he?
0:23:36 > 0:23:39- The organism Muppet.- Yeah, yeah. - He's got a little light on his head.
0:23:41 > 0:23:43It's true.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45And here they are mating.
0:23:47 > 0:23:50It's absolutely true.
0:23:50 > 0:23:53So, the biggest river that isn't in the sky is underground.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55So, what's the world's biggest animal? Alan?
0:23:55 > 0:23:58- Oh, don't, get me started. - Oh, it's...whatever you say...
0:23:58 > 0:24:01# I've got the moves... #
0:24:01 > 0:24:04- It's the blue whale.- Is the right answer!- Oh, you bastard!
0:24:04 > 0:24:08APPLAUSE
0:24:10 > 0:24:11Poor Alan.
0:24:12 > 0:24:17- Oh, it's so unfair.- No-one's allowed to say "blue whale" except me.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20It's the biggest animal that's ever lived on the Earth,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- bigger than any dinosaur. - Absolutely correct, yeah.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25- Magnificent things. - Tongue as big as a bus.
0:24:25 > 0:24:26- And we know, we know... - Alan's so annoyed.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29- We know next to nothing about them.- You're right.
0:24:29 > 0:24:31We don't know where they go, or anything.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33I know where they go, I know exactly,
0:24:33 > 0:24:34I know everything about them.
0:24:35 > 0:24:37They go on the minus side of the debit ledger, don't they?
0:24:37 > 0:24:40- Yes, exactly.- Their tongue is the size of a Mini Cooper.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Or is it their heart?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Oh, poor Alan, everyone's feeling so sorry for you.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47But they are... No, they are mysterious and extraordinary
0:24:47 > 0:24:48and beautiful animals.
0:24:48 > 0:24:50- And they're huge.- Oh, fuck off!
0:24:56 > 0:24:59- You tried.- It's been waiting for me for years.
0:24:59 > 0:25:00You tried, is all I can say.
0:25:00 > 0:25:03And it is of course the blue whale. Don't you listen to anything?
0:25:03 > 0:25:04Now we're going to end.
0:25:04 > 0:25:08How can you knock a building down with a feather?
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Like the Shard, for example.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12You could knock it down, I could knock it down,
0:25:12 > 0:25:16if I prepared things correctly, with a whisk of a feather.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18- Not using any electronics. - A very, very large feather.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21No, using, I've actually got the feather here that I'm going to use.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23It's nice and pink, so it stands out.
0:25:23 > 0:25:24That would be the feather I would use.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28Do you tickle the architect while he's doing...
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Coming up with the plans, so that they're all off? Like that.
0:25:31 > 0:25:34- And it falls over.- And then they make it. "Oh, it didn't work."
0:25:34 > 0:25:36"Well, Stephen was tickling me with a feather."
0:25:36 > 0:25:40A cunning thought, but no. This is the existing standing Shard.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44- And you could reduce that to rubble with a feather?- Yeah.
0:25:44 > 0:25:47Shall I show you? I'll show you the principle.
0:25:47 > 0:25:50This is my little template to show me where I have to go.
0:25:50 > 0:25:54You see, I've got them down here and here's my big... O
0:25:54 > 0:25:55h, my big load.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58- Oops.- Steady.- There we go.
0:25:58 > 0:26:03Now, what we've got here is, in varying sizes, kind of dominos.
0:26:03 > 0:26:05You can see. And the idea is
0:26:05 > 0:26:10that each one is just one and a half times bigger than the one before it.
0:26:10 > 0:26:12And it may seem like a very little amount,
0:26:12 > 0:26:15but what we're going to do is make a really loud bang with this.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17What, is that meant to be like the Shard?
0:26:17 > 0:26:18Dominos, it's the domino effect.
0:26:18 > 0:26:20- You would aim this at the Shard...- Yes.
0:26:20 > 0:26:23..and you would only need 24 of these.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Each one just one and a half times bigger than the one before it -
0:26:27 > 0:26:28that's the point.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32You'd only need 24 and the last one would utterly destroy it.
0:26:32 > 0:26:36- Really?- Blimey.- It's the exponential increase of mass,
0:26:36 > 0:26:39just by going one and a half times bigger.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41It's all right. It can only fall, yeah.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45I've got a splinter off my broom now.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49Careful, careful. Right, here we go.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52We've just made the security services' job that much more harder.
0:26:52 > 0:26:56- You can bring down the Shard... - Here we go. So...
0:26:56 > 0:27:00Who needs to hijack aircraft any more? QI's given it away.
0:27:00 > 0:27:04So you imagine this increasing up to just 24
0:27:04 > 0:27:07and you'd start with one movement of a feather,
0:27:07 > 0:27:09and all the potential energy stored in these
0:27:09 > 0:27:11and all the mass of them like that,
0:27:11 > 0:27:13and you just have that effect, like wow...
0:27:14 > 0:27:16- Wow!- There you go.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- Excellent.- That's pretty good, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23That's brilliant. Bravo.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Where did you come by such a camp feather?
0:27:26 > 0:27:28The awful thing was, I was asked to choose a colour
0:27:28 > 0:27:31and I immediately went, "I think this one stands out."
0:27:32 > 0:27:34It is a lovely feather.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35There's a bird of paradise somewhere
0:27:35 > 0:27:38having a very problematic flirting season.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42Well, we've run out of energy for this week.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Let's see the movement on the scoreboard.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46And oh, my word, isn't it fantastic?
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Clear winner - it's Danny Banker with plus eight!
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Thank you very much. I thank you very much.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59In fantastic second place with minus five, Marcus Brigstocke.
0:27:59 > 0:28:02- One mistake, Marcus, one mistake. - Yeah, I know, I know, I know.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06A very close third with minus eight, Jo Brand.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11You must have minus 47, I think.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15But poor wee soul, with minus 56, in fourth place, it's Alan Davies.
0:28:15 > 0:28:16Whoo!
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Well, my thanks to Marcus, Danny, Jo and Alan.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29And it's goodbye from me and adore each other. Goodnight.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32Subtitles By Red Bee Media Ltd