0:00:02 > 0:00:10This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:24 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:32Hello, good evening, guten Abend,
0:00:32 > 0:00:38bonsoir and welcome to the QI L series.
0:00:38 > 0:00:43And this is our L series animals show, so let's meet my lovelies.
0:00:43 > 0:00:47- The leonine Ross Noble. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:54- The larky Sarah Millican. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:58 > 0:01:02- Lounge lizard, Colin Lane. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:04 > 0:01:07And the lesser spotted Alan Davies.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17And here's what they sound like. Ross goes...
0:01:17 > 0:01:18LION ROARS
0:01:18 > 0:01:20A lion!
0:01:20 > 0:01:23- Sarah goes... - LARK SINGS
0:01:23 > 0:01:27A lark, or possibly a ring tone.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29And Colin goes...
0:01:29 > 0:01:32HOWLING CRY
0:01:34 > 0:01:36I thought YOU were supposed to have the worst one.
0:01:36 > 0:01:39See if you can guess what that is.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- That was a human simulator. - It's an L.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43HOWLING CRY
0:01:43 > 0:01:45- MIMICS IN AUSSIE ACCENT:- "I never!"
0:01:47 > 0:01:49It's not a Melbourne housewife, no.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53It's a good score at Scrabble for a four-lettered animal.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56- Lynx.- Yes, it's a lynx. It's a lynx.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58And Alan, your sound is...
0:01:58 > 0:02:00'Stephen! Stephen! Listen to me!
0:02:00 > 0:02:02'I want points!'
0:02:02 > 0:02:03Right.
0:02:03 > 0:02:08Now, I've given each of you a penny in case you're caught short.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- One of these. - TOILET FLUSHES
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Yes, because one of our questions tonight,
0:02:14 > 0:02:17as in throughout this series, will be a little bit lavatorial.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20So, if you think that the answer to the question
0:02:20 > 0:02:24concerns the lavatory, you get a chance to spend your penny.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26It's a joker card. All right.
0:02:26 > 0:02:30Now, what does the loneliest whale in the world sound like?
0:02:30 > 0:02:32LYNX BUZZER
0:02:32 > 0:02:34LAUGHTER
0:02:36 > 0:02:37That's amazing.
0:02:37 > 0:02:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:40 > 0:02:43I was going to say Richard Littlejohn.
0:02:44 > 0:02:50Someone sent me a thing about blue whales, that they are really loud.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53They can make a noise of 180 decibels.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57It's the loudest noise any animal can make. All whales are loud.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- It's louder than a plane taking off. - Oh, completely so.- Or a baby crying, or anything.
0:03:00 > 0:03:03- And it can be heard 500 miles away. - And further.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05In fact, the deeper it is, the further it sounds,
0:03:05 > 0:03:07and if it's very, very low-pitched...
0:03:07 > 0:03:11MIMICS WHALE SONG
0:03:11 > 0:03:13HE GETS LOUDER
0:03:15 > 0:03:18HE REACHES SCREAMING PITCH
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Somebody feed them!
0:03:21 > 0:03:22It's not even close.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28I don't know what that sounded like. I never want to hear it ever again.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31Your wife is a very lucky woman. Do you know that?
0:03:32 > 0:03:36Yeah, this particular whale, there's one, we don't actually know
0:03:36 > 0:03:40what species it is, because no-one's found it, but people have heard it.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41And it's very unusual
0:03:41 > 0:03:44because it's the highest-pitched whale that's ever been recorded
0:03:44 > 0:03:48by hydrophones, the microphones you pop down into the depths.
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- But how do they know it's lonely? - Because it's never been answered.
0:03:51 > 0:03:53- Ahhh!- But maybe it just likes spending time on its own.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56Maybe it's like singing in your kitchen in your nightie,
0:03:56 > 0:03:58maybe it's like that.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01There's a subtle difference between lonely and alone.
0:04:01 > 0:04:02That's very, very true, I agree.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Maybe it's just reading books and spending some time...
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Not reading books, I don't think we can go that far.
0:04:07 > 0:04:09MIMICS WHALE SONG
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Also, how do we know, if we've never seen it,
0:04:21 > 0:04:22how do we know that it is a whale?
0:04:22 > 0:04:26It might just be a couple of dolphins mucking about with a big shell.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27HE HOOTS
0:04:27 > 0:04:31"They're coming, they're coming. No, nothing. No.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34"There's a whale over there, I think, but, then..."
0:04:34 > 0:04:36- HE HOOTS - No, I think...
0:04:36 > 0:04:38- That's the shell. - That's the shell.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40It's a conch. HE HOOTS
0:04:40 > 0:04:43I didn't think conch when you did that.
0:04:43 > 0:04:44Oh, dear!
0:04:44 > 0:04:47- Are you suggesting that I'm...? - I'm not suggesting anything.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Are you suggesting I'm somehow pleasuring a whale?!
0:04:50 > 0:04:52LAUGHTER
0:04:52 > 0:04:54The sperm whale's penis is about three metres long.
0:04:54 > 0:04:57Yeah, you'd need a bigger mouth than even you have got.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59LAUGHTER
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- Isn't it great how we are all so keen to be involved?- Absolutely.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12I'll have a go!
0:05:12 > 0:05:14Hang on a second, if we're all getting involved,
0:05:14 > 0:05:17I'll start here, have it all the way along the front.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20Here, you hold it like that...
0:05:20 > 0:05:24Right, here you go. Right there we go, there we go!
0:05:24 > 0:05:28Heave ho! Heave ho!
0:05:28 > 0:05:29It's going to blow!
0:05:29 > 0:05:31LAUGHTER
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Oh, dear, dear, dear. Well...
0:05:33 > 0:05:34Where has it been heard, this...?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37It's generally believed that it is a blue
0:05:37 > 0:05:41or a fin whale and it's 52 hertz, which is the far higher register.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44We've actually got it, we can hear it.
0:05:44 > 0:05:45DEEP VIBRATING CALL
0:05:45 > 0:05:48That seems very deep to us, but that's actually the highest.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50It sounds like standing outside a nightclub.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52- Deeper ones travel much further. - HE MIMICS BEATBOX
0:05:52 > 0:05:54This is the Ministry of Sound.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56Yeah.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58What time are you closing? We're trying to sleep.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Not with that shirt, mate. Members only.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03At home you might not be able to hear that,
0:06:03 > 0:06:06because not all televisions can actually take that amount of bass.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09You probably haven't got a woofer at home, as I have.
0:06:09 > 0:06:10LAUGHTER
0:06:10 > 0:06:14And just on the issue of last creatures, not necessarily...
0:06:14 > 0:06:16Some people believe that rather than being a blue whale
0:06:16 > 0:06:19or a fin whale, it could actually be a whale
0:06:19 > 0:06:22that is a result of two different species of whale mating, a calf.
0:06:22 > 0:06:25A new kind of whale, and that it doesn't have a natural mate,
0:06:25 > 0:06:28because it's a sort of mutated voice.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Well, the 52-hertz whale has a high-pitched voice and no mates.
0:06:31 > 0:06:35Now, what form of transport might a caterpillar use?
0:06:38 > 0:06:39Do they hitch onto things?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42They do. And I wonder what they hitch onto.
0:06:42 > 0:06:46Furry mammals. Furry mammals carry a lot of stuff about.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49They do, but in this case they use each other.
0:06:49 > 0:06:51- Aw!- They use a principle which is quite fun.
0:06:51 > 0:06:55The one that's on the bottom layer is going at a certain speed
0:06:55 > 0:06:57and the one above twice the speed,
0:06:57 > 0:07:00and the one above that thrice the speed.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03So all told, the whole group goes faster.
0:07:03 > 0:07:07And we've done a little experiment using stop motion photography.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10Some boot's going to come in in a minute. Splat!
0:07:10 > 0:07:14Awful, isn't it? But if you watch, we've got two yellow pieces there
0:07:14 > 0:07:17and they're both moving one step at a time.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19But you'll see the one on the top layer is going faster
0:07:19 > 0:07:22and the single one can't catch up with it.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24And that's the principle they use -
0:07:24 > 0:07:27that the top layer is going quicker.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29And so that's how caterpillars move at greater speed
0:07:29 > 0:07:31to get to where they need to be.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33- It's like a travelator. - The travelator.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Except when people get on the travelator, they slow right down.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38- So annoying.- It drives me mad. When I get on a travelator,
0:07:38 > 0:07:41- I really make the most of it. - Me too.- I accelerate.
0:07:41 > 0:07:44I love the way that the windows and everything just speed past you.
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Oh, it's fabulous.
0:07:45 > 0:07:47- Travelator!- Yeah.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50- People even on the travelator, they just stop.- I know!
0:07:50 > 0:07:54- Yes.- Yeah, but it's doing the moving for you, so you don't have to move.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57That's why we're a nation of morbid... Oh, dear...
0:07:57 > 0:07:59LAUGHTER
0:07:59 > 0:08:03Or if you have small children, they turn around and run the other way.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07- Yes, they will do that. - And then there's people coming and you're like...
0:08:07 > 0:08:10You have to do quite a lot of loud coughing and harrumphing
0:08:10 > 0:08:12and, "My flight's about to leave," sort of stuff,
0:08:12 > 0:08:14in order to get people to move across.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17It's just politeness to take one side of the travelator.
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Or say, "GET OUT OF THE WAY!"
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Yes, all right. That's an option too.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25Anyway, moving from larvae on to adult lepidoptera.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28What's a sure-fire way of telling two butterflies apart?
0:08:28 > 0:08:30Different colour wings.
0:08:30 > 0:08:35- ALARM BLARES - That would be true of those that were different colours.
0:08:35 > 0:08:38But suppose they looked identical?
0:08:38 > 0:08:40- Well, then you can't. - And were different species or genus.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- Then you can't. That's it. - Well, you might be able to.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45- Their breath.- Their breath!
0:08:46 > 0:08:49Is it the prettier they are, the stinkier their breath?
0:08:49 > 0:08:51Their address.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Their address, yes. That would do it.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56- Are they the same but different? - Their names.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58- They're all the same but they're not?- There are two genera
0:08:58 > 0:09:03of butterfly that look almost identical, and it's a type of evolution called Mullerian.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06There they are. And one of them tastes disgusting to birds,
0:09:06 > 0:09:08and the birds quite quickly learn that.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11- You just lick them?- Well, the birds did.- Just get a bird to lick it.
0:09:11 > 0:09:15And so the other one evolved to look as much like the one
0:09:15 > 0:09:17that's disgusting without actually being disgusting.
0:09:17 > 0:09:21Because it doesn't need to develop the disgusting taste,
0:09:21 > 0:09:24because the birds will assume that it IS disgusting.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27And this is a thing that happens in nature.
0:09:27 > 0:09:30- You look identical just to survive. - How smug must they be?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32- It's very, very good.- So smug.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35And also, the one on the right there seems to have a tiny roll
0:09:35 > 0:09:38of gaffer tape in its mouth.
0:09:38 > 0:09:40- It does, doesn't it? - LAUGHTER
0:09:40 > 0:09:43They're not even his real wings. He's made them.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45He's like that...
0:09:45 > 0:09:48Look at that, I'm just like him. Come on.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50You go round the other side of that,
0:09:50 > 0:09:53that's all sticky-back plastic round there.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57But there is an answer to how you would tell the difference, and it's deeply personal.
0:09:57 > 0:10:00- Oh, it's the downstairs, is it? - You would look at their genitalia.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03And there's a truly great novelist of the 20th century,
0:10:03 > 0:10:06although English was his third language,
0:10:06 > 0:10:08and he was very good at sexing butterflies. Indeed...
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- Sexing?- Telling their...- Sexing.
0:10:11 > 0:10:15- ..telling their gender, examining their penises.- Sexing or texting? - Sexing.
0:10:15 > 0:10:19- Texting.- No, sexing. There is a collection at Harvard University of these tiny
0:10:19 > 0:10:23little phials filled with penises of butterflies that he collected.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26There he is. He lived in America, hence Harvard, but he was born in Russia
0:10:26 > 0:10:30and then moved to Paris from a rather nobby family.
0:10:30 > 0:10:32And his name was Vladimir Nabokov.
0:10:32 > 0:10:35But you must have heard of his most famous novel.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37Yeah, 50 Shades Of Butterflies.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Come on.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- Yeah, it was amazing. - Don't let us down.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- Lolita. - Lolita, thank you, Alan. Yes.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47He wrote Lolita, amongst many other magnificent novels.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49Operation Yewtree are all over him at the moment.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51LAUGHTER
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- "Lolita, light of my loins." - The Russian Yewtree.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57- And he collects the penises. - Well, he was a...
0:10:57 > 0:10:59But he's not bothered about the rest of it.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02He was an incredibly enthusiastic lepidopterist.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04And then he lets them go.
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- And he went, in fact, on index cards...- Without a penis!
0:11:09 > 0:11:12That's a butterfly that's had its penis removed by Vladimir Nabokov.
0:11:12 > 0:11:15I got it, I got it, it was really good, Alan.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19- Was his name...?- Stick to girls!
0:11:19 > 0:11:22Was his name Knob-off, did you say?
0:11:22 > 0:11:24Vladimir Knob-off.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27Knob-off by name, knob-off by nature. I'll do anything.
0:11:27 > 0:11:30Start with a butterfly, work my way up. Don't care.
0:11:30 > 0:11:33He was, as well as being a great writer,
0:11:33 > 0:11:35one of the finest lepidopterists of his time.
0:11:35 > 0:11:39He used his index cards, on which he wrote his scientific notes about lepidoptera,
0:11:39 > 0:11:42to write the entire novel of Lolita, in fact, his most famous work.
0:11:42 > 0:11:46Did he try and collect all of the lady gardens of the butterflies?
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- LAUGHTER - That's a very good point.
0:11:48 > 0:11:52I don't know if he exclusively confined himself to the penises of butterflies,
0:11:52 > 0:11:55but I suppose they were the easiest bits to see in such a small insect.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57The wings are easier to see.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Well, yeah, no. When it comes to sexing, I mean.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Butterfly pubes, imagine that.
0:12:03 > 0:12:06Imagine a pillow, how soft would that pillow be?
0:12:06 > 0:12:09- Just filled with butterfly pubes. - Ohhh...
0:12:09 > 0:12:10He gave a very, very...
0:12:10 > 0:12:12LAUGHTER
0:12:12 > 0:12:15That's what... Not many people know this.
0:12:15 > 0:12:16Not many people know this,
0:12:16 > 0:12:19but all of Stephen's suits are lined with butterfly penises.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21That's true.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23By the finest tailors in the land.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25- No, I do have... - Butterfly tailors, no less.
0:12:25 > 0:12:28That's right. Tiny moths come in.
0:12:28 > 0:12:31Mr Fry, we have collected the butterfly pubes
0:12:31 > 0:12:33of a million butterflies.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36They've been donated willingly.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38They have. More than willingly.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40That's why he looks so comfortable on this show.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43See, look, he's even flapping like a butterfly.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47The power of the pubes are moving through the fine...
0:12:47 > 0:12:49LAUGHTER
0:12:49 > 0:12:52Look at him moving. There it goes again!
0:12:53 > 0:12:56The best way to tell butterflies apart is to look them
0:12:56 > 0:12:58straight in the genitals.
0:12:58 > 0:13:03Can you give me your impression of a puffer fish on the pull?
0:13:03 > 0:13:06LYNX BUZZER
0:13:06 > 0:13:07LAUGHTER
0:13:07 > 0:13:09That's the gift that keeps on giving.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Oh, you're puffing your face.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14They play down the puffiness, I reckon.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18They do. Well, what they do is play up some whole other skill,
0:13:18 > 0:13:21which is really astonishing, in order to attract a female.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24They turn themselves inside out. Fully inside out.
0:13:24 > 0:13:26I would be impressed by that.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29What, if a bloke came up to you in a nightclub and went,
0:13:29 > 0:13:31"Watch this, love!" Woomf -
0:13:31 > 0:13:33and his lungs and heart and all the rest...
0:13:33 > 0:13:36- I wouldn't hug him, but I'd be impressed.- Yeah.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Fish, like birds, as you probably know, the males tend to be more colourful
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- and put on a good show to attract females.- I did not know that. - Did you not?
0:13:42 > 0:13:45- I knew it about birds. - Hmm, beautiful plumage.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47Has he just had a Slush Puppy?
0:13:47 > 0:13:49LAUGHTER
0:13:49 > 0:13:51A blue Slush Puppy. What he does...
0:13:51 > 0:13:55It was in such a big glass, he went like that, it's gone on his eyes.
0:13:55 > 0:13:57- Gone on his eyebrows. - LAUGHTER
0:13:57 > 0:14:00What they do is actually remarkable.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03If you watch what he does, at first you'll think it's just random,
0:14:03 > 0:14:04but then you'll go, "Oh, my goodness."
0:14:04 > 0:14:07It takes nine days for him to prepare this for the female.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Is that just farting, what he's doing there?
0:14:09 > 0:14:13- LAUGHTER - No, that's... He turned, oh.
0:14:13 > 0:14:14- It's extraordinary.- Aww!
0:14:14 > 0:14:18- He's made this enormous crater with ridges.- He's made a lair.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Which are decorated with seashells. And it's there.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21WOMEN: Aaah!
0:14:21 > 0:14:25The ladies are so impressed. Is that what you want, a sand castle?
0:14:25 > 0:14:29No, I think their "aaah" was they were impressed.
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- Nine days' work to attract a female. - How many days?
0:14:32 > 0:14:34- Nine.- Hmm...
0:14:34 > 0:14:35LAUGHTER
0:14:35 > 0:14:39A lot of females say that. They go, "No, not good enough." It has to be absolutely perfect.
0:14:39 > 0:14:43And then when it is perfect, the female lays her eggs right in the middle.
0:14:43 > 0:14:47And he then fertilises them and looks after them for six days, just to protect them.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50That's nice, and then she can go back to work.
0:14:50 > 0:14:51Or go to another crater.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54No, the most amazing thing about that is, that's actually on the beach.
0:14:54 > 0:14:57That's not even under the water.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00- That would be... - It comes out, like that.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Puts little flags in every ridge as well.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06It's...I won't say entirely unique, because we know
0:15:06 > 0:15:09so little about what goes on in the ocean, but it's one of the few
0:15:09 > 0:15:12we know which is quite so marvellous and distinctive, the puffer fish.
0:15:12 > 0:15:15But nine days is a long time. I mean if you, Sarah...
0:15:15 > 0:15:17- It's not really, though, is it? - She's worth it.
0:15:17 > 0:15:21I mean, when she comes in, she comes in and just goes,
0:15:21 > 0:15:23"Well, you've done that all wrong.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27"Been waiting six months for you to get that finished and it's wrong.
0:15:27 > 0:15:30"Do it again. I should have got somebody in to do it."
0:15:30 > 0:15:31LAUGHTER
0:15:31 > 0:15:35Anyway, the male puffer fish attracts his lady with
0:15:35 > 0:15:37a heart exhibition.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39Now, what do we call a fish that drives a tank?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Tank fish.
0:15:41 > 0:15:46You might call it tank fish, but when I say "we", I mean WE.
0:15:46 > 0:15:53What do we here at QI Central call a fish that drives a tank?
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Sir.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56ALARM BLARES
0:15:56 > 0:15:57LAUGHTER
0:15:57 > 0:15:59APPLAUSE
0:16:01 > 0:16:04That was a shock. We read you like a book.
0:16:04 > 0:16:07No, we're going to show you a fish driving a tank.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- What?- Yes.
0:16:09 > 0:16:14So if my splendid porters can come on with a little tank tray...
0:16:14 > 0:16:16- The porters, ladies and gentlemen. - Yeah!
0:16:19 > 0:16:22There we are.
0:16:22 > 0:16:27So, we've got a tank and we've got a fish who's going to drive the tank.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29And there's our fish. He doesn't live here,
0:16:29 > 0:16:32I want you to know, this is just its transport system. And...
0:16:32 > 0:16:35This is, like, the poshest fairground ever.
0:16:35 > 0:16:38Yeah. And if I turn on his little motor here...
0:16:38 > 0:16:42- So this is a fish tank tank. - And since he moves, he will...
0:16:42 > 0:16:44Give him some food or poke him with a biro.
0:16:44 > 0:16:49Every different direction he goes, he moves the tank.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52And, whoa, there you go.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54Let's move you into the middle here.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56There you are, because you were getting all excited.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02There you are, a few ant's eggs for him,
0:17:02 > 0:17:04or whatever it is we feed him with.
0:17:04 > 0:17:05Butterfly penises.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08- But you obviously want to know... - LAUGHTER
0:17:09 > 0:17:12I said, what do we call him? His name is Alan.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14LAUGHTER
0:17:14 > 0:17:17He's Alan the QI goldfish, and just to put your minds at rest,
0:17:17 > 0:17:20this is not his tank, he has a beautiful...
0:17:20 > 0:17:22It's MY tank.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25Yeah, exactly. He has a beautiful place where he hangs out, which is
0:17:25 > 0:17:27full of wonderful toys and fronds.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29It's near Watford and he drives there himself every morning.
0:17:29 > 0:17:34Yeah, exactly. And you might like to meet our splendid elf, Alex Bell,
0:17:34 > 0:17:37who built this particular contraption for Alan.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38Come on, Alex.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- We mustn't... - Here we have the classic elf.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49Absolutely.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52Educated to within an inch of his life. Smartly turned out.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55So how long did it take you to build this?
0:17:55 > 0:17:57A couple of days. It's made of Lego, completely, so...
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- It's entirely Lego. - Yeah, it's all Lego.
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Can we race it against caterpillars? LAUGHTER
0:18:03 > 0:18:05And why did you make it?
0:18:05 > 0:18:08- Someone... - No, it's not rude, just asking.
0:18:08 > 0:18:10There's a Dutch company called Studio Dip,
0:18:10 > 0:18:13and they made a bigger version of this for a fish to live in,
0:18:13 > 0:18:15and we thought we'd have a go at making our own.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Did you build it over two days to attract girls?
0:18:17 > 0:18:19LAUGHTER
0:18:19 > 0:18:21APPLAUSE
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Sarah, are you impressed?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30It's working for me.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33I think the question that everyone wants to ask is that
0:18:33 > 0:18:36if you were to make a full-size version out of the Pope-mobile...
0:18:36 > 0:18:40LAUGHTER ..and the Pontiff was to swim very hard,
0:18:40 > 0:18:41could he...would that work?
0:18:41 > 0:18:44- Could we do that?- Yeah, probably.
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Just to put at rest those who are wondering what the
0:18:46 > 0:18:50principle behind it is, it's when he swims forward, what happens exactly?
0:18:50 > 0:18:52There are four sensors, one in each corner,
0:18:52 > 0:18:54so whichever corner he goes to, it goes in that direction.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- It's that simple, nothing to do with the pressure of the water?- No.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00Would it be possible to build a giant one,
0:19:00 > 0:19:02put a dolphin in it that could swim up,
0:19:02 > 0:19:06do a somersault and then the whole vehicle could loop the loop?
0:19:06 > 0:19:07- Yes.- Theoretically, yes.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Let's do it.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11I shall pay for that out of my own pocket.
0:19:13 > 0:19:17- Are there future uses for this? - Maybe military, I think... - Military uses.
0:19:17 > 0:19:22- The British Army is on its uppers. - Yeah, I think they'll probably be the only ones who'll fund it.
0:19:22 > 0:19:23Well, it's very exciting for him.
0:19:23 > 0:19:26But I'm sure he wants to get back to his huge
0:19:26 > 0:19:28and very luxurious accommodation
0:19:28 > 0:19:32- in the QI offices.- He lives in a cistern.- I'll hand him over to you.
0:19:32 > 0:19:35- LAUGHTER - Thank you, Alan.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37- Thank you, Alan and Alex. - APPLAUSE
0:19:39 > 0:19:41That was very pleasing.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46- The porters! - APPLAUSE
0:19:47 > 0:19:52So, anyway, moving on. What has 32 brains and sucks?
0:19:52 > 0:19:56- The front row. - LAUGHTER
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Is there a creature that has 32 brains?
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Does an octopus have lots of brains in its tentacles?
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Yes, and the genitalia are at the end as well, if you remember.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08- Oh, yes, I do remember.- Really?
0:20:08 > 0:20:11- On one of them. - How do you know which one?
0:20:11 > 0:20:15- You'll soon find out. - LAUGHTER
0:20:16 > 0:20:20Get a few lagers into it. Wey! Wee-e-ey!
0:20:20 > 0:20:22But it's not an octopus.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25It is an animal that is associated with moist conditions, and...
0:20:25 > 0:20:27A slug.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29It looks rather like a slug.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32Here's a thing you can do to test this particular animal.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35They've done it, they've filled a condom with blood
0:20:35 > 0:20:39- and dropped it in the water where these creatures...- Leech.- Yes.
0:20:39 > 0:20:43- And they've found... - People have done that intentionally? Filled a condom with blood?
0:20:43 > 0:20:47- In order to demonstrate how leeches..- Some intentionally.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50- Others accidentally. - LAUGHTER
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Exactly, exactly.
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Are you all right in there? Yeah, yeah, yeah!
0:20:58 > 0:20:59LAUGHTER
0:21:02 > 0:21:03Don't flush it down the... No!
0:21:05 > 0:21:07That's why it's always...
0:21:07 > 0:21:09LAUGHTER
0:21:13 > 0:21:15That's horrific.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17What it doesn't do is catch a leech,
0:21:17 > 0:21:20because leeches haven't evolved expecting humans to splash
0:21:20 > 0:21:24through the marshes, but they have expected other kinds of animal. And...
0:21:24 > 0:21:25A frog, perhaps?
0:21:25 > 0:21:27A frog is a perfect example.
0:21:27 > 0:21:29If you put the condom in covered in blood,
0:21:29 > 0:21:31leeches will not be attracted to it.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34If you just wipe the condom over a frog,
0:21:34 > 0:21:37and then drop it in, the leeches will go pha-doing!
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- Because they smell frog.- And the frog will be your friend for life.
0:21:40 > 0:21:44They go, pha-dong, boing! Wheee!
0:21:44 > 0:21:47- Exactly. They hop around.- Yeah.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50So, the merest whiff of frog will lure a leech to lunch.
0:21:50 > 0:21:54Now, what's the most energetic thing that a sloth ever does?
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Oh, you're spending your penny. And you're right to.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02- Is it?- Yes. Well done.
0:22:02 > 0:22:03APPLAUSE
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- Going to the lavatory. - Going to the lavatory.
0:22:09 > 0:22:12They spend all their time in the trees except when they go down
0:22:12 > 0:22:15and use a communal lavatory, which they share.
0:22:15 > 0:22:19And this habit of sharing lavatories has given rise to some pretty
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- unpleasant...- Oh!- Somebody's missed the lavatory there.
0:22:22 > 0:22:23Well, I'm afraid it gets...
0:22:23 > 0:22:27- Go and wee on a friend. - It gets really, really worse.
0:22:27 > 0:22:29It's grim beyond believing, this,
0:22:29 > 0:22:34but at the Estacion Biologica Quebrada Blanco in Peru,
0:22:34 > 0:22:37which is a field research site in the Amazon,
0:22:37 > 0:22:39they observed very odd feeding habits of two-toed sloths.
0:22:39 > 0:22:42They were hanging upside down from the roof of the scientists'
0:22:42 > 0:22:46latrine, and they started to drop down into it
0:22:46 > 0:22:52and scoop up handfuls of human excrement and toilet paper,
0:22:52 > 0:22:55- and they would eat it.- ALL: Ugh!
0:22:55 > 0:22:58They even plunged into the pit itself, which you can see,
0:22:58 > 0:23:01and emerged covering, after a liquid lunch, in poo.
0:23:01 > 0:23:03The research paper noted, "It was scooping with one hand
0:23:03 > 0:23:07"from the semi-liquid manure, and then eating from the hand.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10"When more persons gathered around the latrine to watch this
0:23:10 > 0:23:14"bizarre behaviour, the sloth emerged from the latrine and climbed into the nearest tree."
0:23:14 > 0:23:18So it didn't like being watched. It might have been slightly ashamed.
0:23:18 > 0:23:21You know when the film Jaws came out and it was really terrifying
0:23:21 > 0:23:25to go to the toilet in case a shark came up and bit your bum...?
0:23:25 > 0:23:29- I don't remember feeling that, to be honest.- Maybe that was just our house.
0:23:29 > 0:23:32But now we've got to worry about sloths coming up and...
0:23:32 > 0:23:34- Clawing at your arse. Yeah. - Yeah.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38Well, it wouldn't do that, it would just sit there like that, going...
0:23:38 > 0:23:40LAUGHTER
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Hit me! Hit me! Ah, oh...
0:23:48 > 0:23:52- Oh, God!- As Supernanny would say, that was unacceptable.
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- Unacceptable, yeah. - I mean, dear...
0:23:55 > 0:24:00It must be hard for them to be both an animal and a deadly sin.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03- LAUGHTER - That's true. That's true.
0:24:03 > 0:24:06Because every morning they just go, "Ohhh..."
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Is it the sloth - I might be wrong here, you'll know -
0:24:10 > 0:24:14when they die, they stay in the trees, don't they?
0:24:14 > 0:24:16- Totally.- How long for?
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- Just for ever.- For ever? - Yeah.- Shut up!
0:24:19 > 0:24:21Honestly, they're like... they'll be like...
0:24:21 > 0:24:24- They'll rot away. - ..a skeleton, like just a...
0:24:24 > 0:24:26They'll be eaten, perhaps, by other things.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28- Yeah, but not the bones, just the outside.- Yeah.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31That's a hell of a way to find your nana, isn't it?
0:24:31 > 0:24:34That's how we found mine. In the local park.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37"What are you doing? Oh, no. Oh, God."
0:24:37 > 0:24:40She'd only gone on the climbing frame.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Oh, dear. The only...
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Not really!
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Why...why did people go, "Ohhh"?
0:24:47 > 0:24:51As if my nan genuinely... "Oh, that's terrible."
0:24:51 > 0:24:55We don't know much about what goes on in the north-east, but we hear things.
0:24:55 > 0:24:56LAUGHTER
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- Mainly from you.- Yes.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04So, the only reason, as Alan knew,
0:25:04 > 0:25:07that sloths ever move out of a tree is to spend a penny.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10But now it's time to wallow for a while in the filthy pile of ordure
0:25:10 > 0:25:14that we call General Ignorance, so fingers on buzzers, please.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Which cat never changes its spots?
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Well, now, see, I sense a trap.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Do you?
0:25:22 > 0:25:24- LION BUZZER - Oh, lion.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Is it the jaguar?
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Good.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32Because if you shave a jaguar it's got that,
0:25:32 > 0:25:36the jaguar pattern on its skin, that's not its fur.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39So therefore, it doesn't matter how many times you shave it,
0:25:39 > 0:25:40the spots remain the same.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Interesting. It's not the correct answer.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45All right, I'll be off, then.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47We avoided saying the leopard.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49Yes, because that was the trap I sensed.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52You can see a little leopard kitten, with its mother,
0:25:52 > 0:25:57and you can see the leopard kitten really does have quite tight spots, very close together,
0:25:57 > 0:26:00and the mother has what are called rosettes, which are very different.
0:26:00 > 0:26:01The animal actually is a lion
0:26:01 > 0:26:04and the spots are where its whiskers sprout from.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06And you can see those little lines of dots there.
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- Oh. Like it's been sniffing glue, like that.- They never change.
0:26:09 > 0:26:12They never ever change, so they're like fingerprints - you can
0:26:12 > 0:26:15identify a particular lion just by the array of its spots.
0:26:15 > 0:26:16You'd have to get very close to it, though.
0:26:16 > 0:26:19- And you wouldn't necessarily want to do that.- No.- No, exactly.
0:26:19 > 0:26:22So, it's lions not leopards that never change their spots.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Which is the biggest of the big cats, though?
0:26:25 > 0:26:27- LION BUZZER - Yes, lion in first.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Is it the jaguar?
0:26:29 > 0:26:33- LAUGHTER - No. Not even the V12. No, I'm afraid not.
0:26:33 > 0:26:35Any other thoughts?
0:26:35 > 0:26:37Well, the lion?
0:26:37 > 0:26:39ALARM BLARES
0:26:39 > 0:26:41- The leopard? No.- Panther?
0:26:41 > 0:26:43- The tiger, is it the tiger? - You're both half right.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45The cougar.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49- The liger?- It is the liger, and the liger is composed of what?
0:26:49 > 0:26:51- A lion and a tiger. - But which gender round?
0:26:51 > 0:26:54The front half is a tiger. LAUGHTER
0:26:54 > 0:26:57The back half, it's like a dodgy safari salesman.
0:26:57 > 0:27:00- "Tell you what, mate, that's lovely, that's a lion, that is." - Cut and shove.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02- A male tiger and a female lion. - Yes.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04In both cases they put the male first,
0:27:04 > 0:27:07so if it's a liger, it's a lion male and a tiger female.
0:27:07 > 0:27:11And if it's a tigon, then it's a male tiger and a female.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14- The best one is the ziraffe. Yeah. - Well...
0:27:14 > 0:27:17It's just got a zebra body and then a giraffe neck,
0:27:17 > 0:27:19and it's always falling forward.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21LAUGHTER
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Anyway, the biggest of the big cats are ligers.
0:27:25 > 0:27:27That brings me to the scores.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30In last place, I'm afraid,
0:27:30 > 0:27:35he's come thousands of miles to be minus 20, it's Colin Lane.
0:27:35 > 0:27:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:41 > 0:27:44In third place, twice as good a score,
0:27:44 > 0:27:46but still minus 10, Sarah Millican.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:50 > 0:27:53And minus 5, Alan Davies!
0:27:53 > 0:27:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Which means that our winner on a staggering plus 6 is Ross Noble!
0:28:01 > 0:28:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:08 > 0:28:11So, it's good night from Sarah, Ross, Colin, Alan and me.
0:28:11 > 0:28:15And I leave you with the last words of Noel Coward, of all people,
0:28:15 > 0:28:18and how sad they are - "Good night, my darlings, I'll see you tomorrow."
0:28:18 > 0:28:20Good night.
0:28:20 > 0:28:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE