0:00:23 > 0:00:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:31 > 0:00:35Goooood evening, good evening, good evening, good evening, good
0:00:35 > 0:00:39evening, good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI.
0:00:39 > 0:00:42As you may have noticed, if you've been paying attention,
0:00:42 > 0:00:46the rest of the series has been devoted to the letter L.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49But tonight's an exception, because it's No-L.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51GROANS
0:00:51 > 0:00:56Let's look at my lovely decorations. A big bauble, Bill Bailey.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:59 > 0:01:00A big...?
0:01:00 > 0:01:03A jolly cracker, Jimmy Carr.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - I'm happy with that.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10A Christmas fairy, no less than Carrie Fisher.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12Yeah!
0:01:12 > 0:01:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:16 > 0:01:18And either my chocolate log has melted,
0:01:18 > 0:01:20or the reindeer have diarrhoea, Alan Davies.
0:01:20 > 0:01:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:23 > 0:01:25There's no need for that!
0:01:25 > 0:01:26There is no need.
0:01:26 > 0:01:29Let's hear their jingle bells. Bill goes...
0:01:29 > 0:01:32# Ding dong merrily on high
0:01:32 > 0:01:35# In heav'n the bells are ringing. #
0:01:35 > 0:01:36Jimmy goes...
0:01:36 > 0:01:41MUSIC: Troika From Lieutenant Kije-Suite, Op. 60 by London Symphony Orchestra & Andre Previn
0:01:43 > 0:01:45Oh, that sleighs me. And Carrie goes...
0:01:45 > 0:01:47- Audience: Aw!- Thank you.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51MUSIC: Sleigh Ride by The Ronettes
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Phil Spector's still in prison. And Alan goes...
0:01:57 > 0:02:00# Silent night
0:02:00 > 0:02:02# Holy.... BARKING
0:02:02 > 0:02:04RINGING
0:02:04 > 0:02:07# Ding dong merrily on high... #
0:02:07 > 0:02:09RINGING
0:02:09 > 0:02:13BELLS RING
0:02:13 > 0:02:16BIG BEN CHIMES
0:02:16 > 0:02:19Now, I've got a little something for each of you under this tree.
0:02:19 > 0:02:22Isn't that lovely? But first, can you tell me what's special,
0:02:22 > 0:02:24indeed unique, about this tree?
0:02:24 > 0:02:25Can you see it? There you are.
0:02:25 > 0:02:27- It's small.- It's small.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31- Imperfectly formed.- Imperfectly formed.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Is it a vintage one?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- It is, it's been valued by Christie's.- Oh.- Uh-oh.
0:02:35 > 0:02:39- Oh, hello. Is it a Christie-mas tree?- Hey, hey.
0:02:43 > 0:02:45APPLAUSE
0:02:45 > 0:02:48I'm playing the... I'm playing the joker!
0:02:48 > 0:02:51- It doesn't quite work as lavatorial, but you're on fire. - Ah, thank you.
0:02:51 > 0:02:54When you say it was valued by Christie's, that sounds very
0:02:54 > 0:02:56impressive, but maybe they went, "That's worth a pound."
0:02:56 > 0:02:58Four-figure sum.
0:02:58 > 0:03:00- Four-figure sum.- 10.99.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03- Does it belong to someone famous? - No.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06Has it... Is it one of these things that's been to the moon?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08No, it hasn't. These are all good answers.
0:03:08 > 0:03:09- Yeah.- Really?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16You don't know the kind of answers they usually give.
0:03:16 > 0:03:17Oh, great answer.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21- Jesus' personal tree. - Jesus' personal tree, no.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25Was that what the gold, frankincense and myrrh was under?
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Somebody kind of suggested it earlier on, and that's to do with its age.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30It's the oldest Christmas tree.
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- Oldest what Christmas tree? - Oldest one in the room?
0:03:33 > 0:03:37- Fake.- Fake. Oh.- An artificial tree. - A tinsel...- It's the first...
0:03:37 > 0:03:38The original artificial tree.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41- It's the first ever. It's in the Guinness Book of Records.- Wow.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44Christie's have validated it, it was bought for sixpence,
0:03:44 > 0:03:49that's 6d, which is two and a half pence, in 1886.
0:03:49 > 0:03:53- What?!- Yeah.- This particular one? - This actual one.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55And someone made note of that so that we can now...?
0:03:55 > 0:03:58It's been in the same family, that's how we know.
0:03:58 > 0:03:59And they keep all their receipts.
0:03:59 > 0:04:03- It was bought by Lou Hicks and her great-great-niece, Janet... - Oh, Auntie Lou.
0:04:03 > 0:04:06There's Lou Hicks on the left, and her great-great-niece, Janet.
0:04:06 > 0:04:10She died in 2008, and her son, Paul Parker,
0:04:10 > 0:04:14who's a mathematician, from Bath, is here in the audience.
0:04:14 > 0:04:15Paul, hello.
0:04:15 > 0:04:19APPLAUSE
0:04:19 > 0:04:22Oh, my God!
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- Paul, you grew up with this Christmas tree?- That's right.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- Who took it to Christie's, was that your mother?- That's right.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31And what value did they put on it?
0:04:31 > 0:04:33They put a value of about 1,000 on it,
0:04:33 > 0:04:36but the thing is, it's anyone's guess, because it's unique.
0:04:36 > 0:04:37If you're watching,
0:04:37 > 0:04:41if you give your address, there may be a burglar watching.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44- No, that would be, that would be irresponsible.- Bound to be some burglars watching.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Yeah.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49- Odds are...- Chances are... - Yeah.
0:04:53 > 0:04:57APPLAUSE
0:04:58 > 0:05:00You have Christmas trees in America, obviously.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02I have a year-round Christmas tree, actually.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06- Well, you have a house that is just the most...- It's year-round also.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08It is bizarre, it is the most bizarre... An extraordinary house.
0:05:08 > 0:05:12My house is 100 years old!
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- And in America that's like prehistoric.- Wow.
0:05:15 > 0:05:19So... But Bette Davis lived there, and Robert Armstrong,
0:05:19 > 0:05:23- who was in King Kong.- Yeah, and your mother lives there, Debbie Reynolds. - We're neighbours.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26She lives in your garage, let's be honest.
0:05:26 > 0:05:30- I'm using the American pronunciation of "garage".- Some nights, yes.
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- Debbie Reynolds was in Singin' In The Rain.- She was?
0:05:36 > 0:05:38Did she never tell you that?
0:05:38 > 0:05:39She doesn't come up, no.
0:05:39 > 0:05:42- No. How old was she... - I can't stop thinking about it.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45She was 19 years old. You'd better stop thinking about it.
0:05:45 > 0:05:49- She was 19 in that film?- Yeah.- What were you doing when you were 19?
0:05:49 > 0:05:51- Nothing, that's right. - Yes.- I was...
0:05:51 > 0:05:54She says that Gene Kelly rehearsed until her feet bled.
0:05:54 > 0:05:59Yes, and she also said that Gene Kelly French-kissed her
0:05:59 > 0:06:00and she vomited.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05- During? During or after?- So romantic. Yeah.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07- Was that part of the film?- No.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- That's in the blooper reel at the end.- Oh.
0:06:10 > 0:06:11They did not... Donald O'Connor
0:06:11 > 0:06:14- and my mother were not wild about Gene Kelly.- No.
0:06:14 > 0:06:17- Oh, wow. I love this, more of this. - It's great.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Well, but apparently he's not a good kisser
0:06:19 > 0:06:22and he didn't have a good sense of humour...
0:06:22 > 0:06:24But was Donald O'Connor nice? Was Donald O'Connor a nice chap?
0:06:24 > 0:06:25Yes, he was great.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27Because he's... I love him.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30What's...what's Chewbacca like?
0:06:30 > 0:06:32MAKES CHEWBACCA GROWL
0:06:32 > 0:06:34MAKES CHEWBACCA GROWL
0:06:35 > 0:06:37- He also...- Try and ignore Stephen.
0:06:38 > 0:06:41- AS HARRISON FORD: - "Laugh it up, fuzzball!"
0:06:49 > 0:06:52You must get this everywhere you go, you're going to get it everywhere.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54I've gotten used to it, you know. It'll take a couple
0:06:54 > 0:06:57of minutes for the navi computer to calculate the coordinates.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59Yes. No, that's exactly it.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02That wasn't even my line and I get... We all started saying those things.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05You started to say it, that's right. For the jump into hyperspace. And it goes...
0:07:05 > 0:07:08MAKES CHEWBACCA NOISE
0:07:08 > 0:07:10I remember you with Harrison Ford where
0:07:10 > 0:07:12he said he had a problem with the dialogue.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16- He said, "You can write this stuff, but you can't say it."- You can type it.- You can type it.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19It's very specific. Yeah, no, you cannot say...
0:07:19 > 0:07:21"I have placed a couple..."
0:07:21 > 0:07:24I can't say mine. "I've placed a couple..." No, no, I can't remember it.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26Come on, come on, come on.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28What is that, what is that speech that I did?
0:07:28 > 0:07:32- You'd know it.- I'll tell you what we've done, we've brought 300 nerds.
0:07:32 > 0:07:33Look that way.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Oh, I know. "I've placed information vital to the
0:07:37 > 0:07:40"survival of the rebellion into the memory system of this R2 unit.
0:07:40 > 0:07:42"My father will know how to retrieve it."
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- That's it!- Control, alt, delete.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:49 > 0:07:53"But can you explain to me, please, why is it that C-3PO can speak two
0:07:53 > 0:07:56"billion languages but not English without a proper intonation?"
0:07:58 > 0:08:01- It's all up here.- "It's so wrong, all the way he talks."
0:08:02 > 0:08:07Anyway, we've to thank, of course, Paul, for his fantastic, trusting
0:08:07 > 0:08:11nature, in letting us look after his exceptionally valuable tree.
0:08:11 > 0:08:15The oldest artificial tree in the world. Authenticated.
0:08:15 > 0:08:16Thank you, Paul.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18APPLAUSE
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Now you'll notice...
0:08:23 > 0:08:27You'll notice that like any tree, it has presents around it. Carrie, I have a present for you.
0:08:27 > 0:08:30And I want to know which imperial princess was responsible for it.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32So you can open it, literally on camera.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34It's from an imperial princess.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37Well, see, I've taken my glasses. Does...
0:08:37 > 0:08:42- Do you want... You can put your glasses on for this moment, if it really...- Thank you.- Ah, poor you.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44I've no idea where I am. Oh!
0:08:46 > 0:08:49I thought we were alone!
0:08:50 > 0:08:52All right.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Oh!
0:08:54 > 0:08:58Can you see the picture of it there? We've got a video slide, so...
0:08:58 > 0:08:59M&Ms?
0:09:02 > 0:09:03- The original tin.- Shall I open it now?
0:09:03 > 0:09:07The original tin. The oldest M&M tin in the world.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Do you want to show the audience what you've got there?
0:09:09 > 0:09:13"With our best wishes for Christmas 1914.
0:09:13 > 0:09:15"May God protect you
0:09:15 > 0:09:17"and bring you home safe."
0:09:17 > 0:09:20So what could that be, Christmas 1914, 100 years ago?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22Are these care packages sent to the troops?
0:09:22 > 0:09:25They are indeed. On the left, she's less well known than...
0:09:25 > 0:09:28The guy on the right was George the...?
0:09:28 > 0:09:30You aren't to know, it's not your business.
0:09:30 > 0:09:33You think of George the Tyrant before George III.
0:09:33 > 0:09:35- No, George Lucas.- Yeah, George Lucas!
0:09:36 > 0:09:39I stand by what I said, George the Tyrant.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41No, I'm sure he was a darling.
0:09:41 > 0:09:44That's George V, as it happens, who looks exactly like his cousin,
0:09:44 > 0:09:47- Nicholas of Russia, who was killed by Lenin.- Right.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Well, not personally. And his daughter, Mary,
0:09:50 > 0:09:53wanted to send the troops at the front a present.
0:09:53 > 0:09:56She wanted to pay for it herself, out of her own allowance, to send
0:09:56 > 0:10:00all the troops at the front a brass box with a Christmas card, signed
0:10:00 > 0:10:05- by her mother and her father, George RI, Rex Imperator, King Emperor. - Oh.
0:10:05 > 0:10:07And there was tobacco for those who smoked pipes
0:10:07 > 0:10:10and cigarettes for those who smoked cigarettes. And there were sweets
0:10:10 > 0:10:14and spices for those who were in the Indian army. Sweets and, rather
0:10:14 > 0:10:18unpleasantly, a silver pencil in the shape of a bullet, for boys who
0:10:18 > 0:10:22were not old enough to smoke, and for those who were non-combatants.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25Do they have this, like, in a museum somewhere, of the...?
0:10:25 > 0:10:28Well, its rarity is not enormous, because originally
0:10:28 > 0:10:30she wanted everyone of the British Empire's armed services
0:10:30 > 0:10:34afloat or at the front to have this present at Christmas.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36And that was 355,000 boxes successfully
0:10:36 > 0:10:38delivered by the deadline.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41But then the eligibility was extended to include everybody
0:10:41 > 0:10:44who was wearing the King's uniform on Christmas Day in 1914.
0:10:44 > 0:10:50Which is a huge increase. Which was 2,620,019 servicemen.
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- That's a lot of uniforms.- A lot of uniforms, but a lot of brass.
0:10:53 > 0:10:55- So there was a brass shortage. - Buttons, a lot of buttons.
0:10:55 > 0:10:59Well, yeah, buttons, of course, but the actual box that Carrie's got
0:10:59 > 0:11:02is made of brass, so they had to make over two million of them,
0:11:02 > 0:11:05- and there was a brass shortage, and...- Oh!- Yeah.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06Also there was a war on.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10And there was a war on, so brass was needed for the casing of bullets and for other things.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12There was a huge extra order of brass made from America
0:11:12 > 0:11:16and Canada, and one of the largest consignments was the Lusitania,
0:11:16 > 0:11:17which was sunk.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21So that held up production of these boxes.
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Now, here's a rather more individual present.
0:11:23 > 0:11:27What did St Bernard get from the Virgin Mary that wasn't
0:11:27 > 0:11:29just for Christmas?
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Er, a St Bernard dog, I'm going to say.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Come on! KLAXON
0:11:34 > 0:11:35Oh!
0:11:35 > 0:11:38- KLAXON - It's actually rather weirder.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42And with all the deepest respect to the Romish church,
0:11:42 > 0:11:47it's not untypical of some of their oddest moments of saint worship.
0:11:47 > 0:11:51- Oh...- She was a virgin, if we accept that she was a virgin, and gave birth.
0:11:51 > 0:11:53It seems a bit unbelievable now, doesn't it?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56I believe in miracles, you sexy thing...
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- ..you may remember was a line from Hot Chocolate.- Fine.
0:12:00 > 0:12:04- You can't make hot chocolate without...? Chocolate and...?- Milk.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08- Milk.- And a kettle.- Milk.- Milk. - Milk.
0:12:08 > 0:12:09She's a virgin, she's given birth.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13- Oh, she gave him milk.- Breast milk. - She lactated right into his mouth.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14But she was a virgin.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- And there was a painter present! - Wow!
0:12:18 > 0:12:21- She's a hell of an aim. - Look at that!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- What a shot.- Phewee.
0:12:23 > 0:12:26And the milk is supposed to represent...wisdom.
0:12:26 > 0:12:29Wait a second. I just want to get this as a Christmas card.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36APPLAUSE
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Stay where you are, stay where you are.
0:12:43 > 0:12:46- Lovely, thank you very much.- Add that to your photos.- Christmas sorted.
0:12:46 > 0:12:49I mean, you know, next Christmas.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51She's giving a gift to the priest?
0:12:51 > 0:12:55He's not a priest, he's got the halo, that strange little spinning disc about him,
0:12:55 > 0:12:58- which means that he's already been sanctified. He's a saint.- Ah.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Why is he dressed as a Jedi Knight then?
0:13:02 > 0:13:05They were basically a prophecy of what was to come, the saints.
0:13:05 > 0:13:09- There will come after us... - A movie...- A movie, exactly.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12- ..that you'll want...- A franchise.- A franchise.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Mass merchandising.
0:13:14 > 0:13:18Any old way. That's St Bernard. He was pretty odd.
0:13:18 > 0:13:22But there were other opportunities that painters had to paint breasts.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25Because the painters were pretty limited, they wanted to paint
0:13:25 > 0:13:28religious paintings. You couldn't get that sexy with Christianity.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30- This was one example where you could.- I was going to say.
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Well, that, exactly. And then there was of course a myth. Whoo!
0:13:34 > 0:13:36And this is a peculiar myth, because it gets weird.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40- It doesn't look like the milk is really doing him any good.- Well, no.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- I'm just saying.- No, you're right.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46Rubens, Vermeer and Caravaggio,
0:13:46 > 0:13:49three of the greatest names in all art, all painted
0:13:49 > 0:13:53the legend of Roman Charity, as it was called, Caritas Romana, which
0:13:53 > 0:13:56was a fashionable theme for painters in the 17th and 18th century.
0:13:56 > 0:13:59And it tells the story of Chi-mon, or Cee-mon, C-I-M-O-N,
0:13:59 > 0:14:03who was sentenced to death by starvation.
0:14:03 > 0:14:07And he's visited in prison and secretly breast-fed by Pero,
0:14:07 > 0:14:09- his daughter.- Ugh.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11AUDIENCE GROANS
0:14:11 > 0:14:13- Yeah.- Well, that's a bit creepy. - It is a bit.
0:14:13 > 0:14:16Although, could be worse, you could have got off with your brother.
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- APPLAUSE - Just saying.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28I hope you're not feeling bullied, Carrie.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30- Not at all. This is...- You know
0:14:30 > 0:14:34how much into every single cell of our body your work is stitched.
0:14:34 > 0:14:36This is actually a scene cut from Star Wars,
0:14:36 > 0:14:37where...
0:14:39 > 0:14:41..Leia breast-feeds a Wookiee.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44MAKES WOOKIEE NOISE
0:14:44 > 0:14:49So, St Bernard's Christmas tipple was the Virgin Mary's nipple.
0:14:50 > 0:14:54Now, let's have a look under the Tannenbaum for another present.
0:14:54 > 0:14:55And it's Bill's turn.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Oh, my goodness, Bill, you'll be so excited.
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Here you go, can you pass that to Bill?
0:14:59 > 0:15:03A lot of men like getting tools for Christmas, don't they, Bill?
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Where are you going with this? Come on.
0:15:05 > 0:15:07No, your present is the most popular tool ever made.
0:15:07 > 0:15:09Oh, Piers Morgan.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- All right, let's see your tool. - OK.
0:15:13 > 0:15:14Yeah, Bill, let's see your tool.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16I'm really looking forward to this tool,
0:15:16 > 0:15:19and it's been beautifully wrapped as well, with a snowflake design and...
0:15:19 > 0:15:22Don't, oh, no, don't do that!
0:15:22 > 0:15:27No, we have to save that for a present for next year.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31- Whoo ho, ho, ho!- Put your tongue in? - Do you know what that is?
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- It's only a flipping stone axe. - Yeah.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35Head, isn't it? Or a...
0:15:35 > 0:15:38- It is a genuinely ancient... - A flint.
0:15:38 > 0:15:41Not even made by a human being, made before we were a species.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43Wow! By some sort of early hominid.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- Exactly.- Homo...erectus? - Erectus is exactly right.
0:15:46 > 0:15:51- Homo erectus.- So this is a stone cutting tool, some sort of axe?
0:15:51 > 0:15:54Yes. It's called an axe, but you're right, it's a cutting tool.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57It's certainly not for stabbing, it's for cutting.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- That is a beautiful...- It is absolutely gorgeous.- That is amazing.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02They're called Acheulean, or Acheu-layin.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04Yeah, they... Is it working?
0:16:04 > 0:16:08- It's really good for anything.- No, it doesn't work.- It's good for chopping garlic.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Oh, yeah, garlic, yes. Actually, yeah, go on.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12BANGING
0:16:12 > 0:16:14Oh, look at that.
0:16:14 > 0:16:18APPLAUSE
0:16:18 > 0:16:21It's unfortunate...that they didn't invent cardboard for another
0:16:21 > 0:16:25- 5,000 years.- Yeah, they had to wait for cardboard, you're right.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28- Do you know what, I love this, thank you.- Oh, I'm really pleased.- I love it.
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- I thought you might. It is... - I will treasure it always.
0:16:31 > 0:16:33That's a Mode 2, a more sophisticated one.
0:16:33 > 0:16:37The Mode 1 was called Oldowan, from the Olduvai Gorge in Tanzania,
0:16:37 > 0:16:40which is where all the hominids started,
0:16:40 > 0:16:43although similar hand axes have been found in Clacton, in Essex
0:16:43 > 0:16:48- which originate from about... - The '70s.- 20 years ago, exactly.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51MAKES CHEWBACCA NOISES
0:16:51 > 0:16:53We're talking about a people who bleach their anuses
0:16:53 > 0:16:56and they're very sophisticated.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- Have you not watched TOWIE? - No.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Oh, yes. No, I have watched that, yes.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- They do bleach or...- They bleach their anuses.- They do.- What is it?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- Anus bleaching is a popular thing amongst...- Yeah.
0:17:06 > 0:17:11- Amongst what?- It's so you don't have a rusty sheriff's badge.- Oh!
0:17:11 > 0:17:14Argh! Alan Davies!
0:17:14 > 0:17:17Alan Davies. Merry Christmas, everyone! Merry Christmas, everybody!
0:17:17 > 0:17:20- Merry Christmas!- Hey!- Merry Christmas!
0:17:21 > 0:17:25# Wants me for a sunbeam... #
0:17:25 > 0:17:29- Gather round the fire.- When I said Homo erectus...
0:17:31 > 0:17:35We all know what Alan's an anagram of anyway. So...
0:17:35 > 0:17:38- Yeah, Nala.- Nala, yeah, Nala.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41An old Peruvian Inca word for anus.
0:17:43 > 0:17:44All right, moving on.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47Everyone likes a little luxury at Christmas, but what little
0:17:47 > 0:17:50luxury did the Sybarites bring along to dinner parties?
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- Ferrero Rocher.- Ferrero...- Oooh!!!
0:17:53 > 0:17:55KLAXON
0:17:55 > 0:17:58APPLAUSE
0:18:03 > 0:18:05Pleased with that one.
0:18:05 > 0:18:08There we are. You've heard the word sybaritic, I'm sure,
0:18:08 > 0:18:10meaning luxury-loving,
0:18:10 > 0:18:13hedonistic, lotus-eating sybaritic lifestyle.
0:18:13 > 0:18:16- Luxury-loving.- Luxury-loving. Yeah. - OK.
0:18:16 > 0:18:18A very L word. So they're very known for that.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20You can see elephants, there's a camel,
0:18:20 > 0:18:24they're all the signs of luxury. Gold, drinking...
0:18:24 > 0:18:26All the signs of luxury. We live very different lives.
0:18:26 > 0:18:28Elephants, camels, you know.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31If you came from southern Italy, which is where they came from,
0:18:31 > 0:18:35these were exotic, very expensive and very amazing things.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37Would it be spice, would it be salt?
0:18:37 > 0:18:41- No, it was actually chamberpots. - No!- Yes.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44They gave the world chamberpots. Because they so loved dining,
0:18:44 > 0:18:48they wanted not to have to leave in order to poo and pee.
0:18:48 > 0:18:51So they invented something you could poo and pee into while eating.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53- Oh!- And then presumably someone would...
0:18:53 > 0:18:55Someone else would take it and bring back a clean one.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58They invented the person that would take it away.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01They also invented the... They had slavery, I'm afraid.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03They were a Greek peoples, who lived in southern Italy,
0:19:03 > 0:19:05known for their luxury-loving lifestyle.
0:19:05 > 0:19:10Also, one of their greatest and most luxuriant leaders,
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Smyndirides, was said to be so,
0:19:12 > 0:19:17so in love with luxury that he slept on rose petals and could tell
0:19:17 > 0:19:21and was not able to sleep if one of the rose petals was folded over.
0:19:21 > 0:19:23- Oh!- What a big girl.
0:19:24 > 0:19:26You're not going to take that, are you?
0:19:26 > 0:19:28- I'm not going to take that. - There, you see.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- I'm going to bleach your anus! - Ho, ho, ho!
0:19:31 > 0:19:33APPLAUSE Yes!
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Help me, someone...
0:19:36 > 0:19:39- So they... So yeah. So... - "I'm going to bleach your anus!"
0:19:39 > 0:19:42So, despite their reputation for luxury,
0:19:42 > 0:19:44the Sybarites' most lasting invention was the chamberpot.
0:19:44 > 0:19:46I can't resist another peek under the tree.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49Jimmy, there's a present for you, of course there is.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- Oops-a-daisy, I nearly broke the most valuable Christmas tree in the world.- Ooh!- Ooh!
0:19:54 > 0:19:58- Holy moly, Paul! Paul! - Oh! The thing is, though...
0:19:58 > 0:20:00Paul... Paul's got his hand to his mouth.
0:20:00 > 0:20:03Go to a break!
0:20:03 > 0:20:04You spoilt Christmas!
0:20:04 > 0:20:07It's not my fault, it was leaning on the present.
0:20:07 > 0:20:08Paul, are you OK?
0:20:08 > 0:20:13# It's beginning to look a lot like disaster... #
0:20:14 > 0:20:17Paul, at least you can say Princess Leia has handled it.
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Could you pass that to Jimmy?
0:20:21 > 0:20:24Jimmy, open your present, it's very exciting.
0:20:24 > 0:20:25Yeah, that...
0:20:25 > 0:20:27Now...
0:20:27 > 0:20:28Well, you...
0:20:28 > 0:20:30What I'm going to ask you to do is stand up,
0:20:30 > 0:20:32and if you can, on a box, or at least as high as you can.
0:20:32 > 0:20:36Well, I didn't get you anything and I think my gift's better.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37No.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40You know the principle of siphoning liquid,
0:20:40 > 0:20:43where you put a tube into a petrol tank and you slightly suck
0:20:43 > 0:20:46and then it's got to be higher than the bucket that you siphon into.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- Sure.- You can siphon a chain.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50So stand as high as you can.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52And you see there's an end coming out of the beaker.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54- As high as I can, hang on. - Out of the cup.
0:20:54 > 0:20:55Shall I go on the desk?
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- If you feel comfortable on the desk, that's great.- Yeah, why not?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00And if you could just jerk out the...the leading...
0:21:00 > 0:21:02LAUGHTER
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it!
0:21:04 > 0:21:06Stephen, just tell me what you need me to do.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Jerk it out?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09Just jerk it out.
0:21:09 > 0:21:12And with any luck you'll see a rather astonishing effect
0:21:12 > 0:21:15- that seems to defy gravity, in the words of Wicked. - So jerk that out.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Yeah, out, up and down. As high as you can.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Oh!
0:21:18 > 0:21:20Wow!
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- BILL:- Look at that, that's amazing!
0:21:22 > 0:21:23Dude!
0:21:23 > 0:21:26It's going up, it's going up, it's going up.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28Oh!
0:21:28 > 0:21:30Oh, it's magic.
0:21:30 > 0:21:31Whoo!
0:21:35 > 0:21:38That's pretty impressive.
0:21:38 > 0:21:40And that's actual magic?
0:21:40 > 0:21:42That is, isn't it? It's the magic of science.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44- That was fantastic. - That's incredible.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46What's lovely about that, and we love this particularly on QI, is
0:21:46 > 0:21:50that it's a phenomenon that's only recently been discovered, in 2013.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Because the beads are close together they act as
0:21:52 > 0:21:55if they were a sequence of little rods, rising out of the pod.
0:21:55 > 0:21:57It tries to rotate around its centre of gravity, but it can't,
0:21:57 > 0:22:00because the bottom of the pod is in the way
0:22:00 > 0:22:02and so it has nowhere to go but upwards.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04At least that's the scientific explanation.
0:22:04 > 0:22:06That's in real time, that's not speeded up.
0:22:06 > 0:22:07It's quite astonishing.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10I thought mine was special, there's another one.
0:22:10 > 0:22:11I thought mine was enchanted.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15The beautiful thing is, everyone now can give it to their children.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17That's the thing, you see?
0:22:17 > 0:22:19Now to that evergreen highlight of Christmas telly,
0:22:19 > 0:22:22it's not A Wonderful Life, it's General Ignorance.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25And there's no Great Escape. Fingers on buzzers, please.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28And so, when should you take down your Christmas decorations?
0:22:28 > 0:22:31BELLS, BARKS AND SILENT NIGHT
0:22:31 > 0:22:33January the sixth.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35January the sixth?
0:22:35 > 0:22:36KLAXON BLARES
0:22:36 > 0:22:37Oh, dear!
0:22:37 > 0:22:39I think it's...
0:22:39 > 0:22:43- What?- I think it's after the first fight on Christmas morning, you go,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45"It's all ruined, it's over!"
0:22:45 > 0:22:4712th Day.
0:22:47 > 0:22:50- Well, the 12th day of Christmas. - The 12th day of Christmas.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52What is the 12th day of Christmas?
0:22:52 > 0:22:53My true love gave to me...
0:22:53 > 0:22:55January the sixth.
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Some people think it's January the fifth.
0:22:58 > 0:23:01No, well, you see, the tradition is that it's Candlemas Eve.
0:23:01 > 0:23:02ALAN SIGHS
0:23:02 > 0:23:04And Candlemas... You know.
0:23:04 > 0:23:07It's the first of February. Candlemas Day is the second of February.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09The whole idea is Christmas is a gigantic feast.
0:23:09 > 0:23:12- The first of February?!- Yeah. Christmas was a huge winter feast.
0:23:12 > 0:23:14And you kept the holly and the ivy
0:23:14 > 0:23:16and all your things up all the way through.
0:23:16 > 0:23:20Nowadays we have central heating and things like that, we don't really think about how
0:23:20 > 0:23:23amazing it was to have pickles and jams and preserves
0:23:23 > 0:23:27and dried fruit and all the things that kept you through winter. And it was a great celebration.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30So, Christmas was actually all the way from Martinmas,
0:23:30 > 0:23:32which was 11th November, to Candlemas Eve.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35But what, explain to the ladies and gentlemen,
0:23:35 > 0:23:38because, you know, we know that there is a separation of church
0:23:38 > 0:23:40and state in America, and what that means, of course,
0:23:40 > 0:23:43is that Christmas Day is not a particularly special day.
0:23:43 > 0:23:45It's illegal. In some states.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48Inasmuch as that's a big day for people to go to the cinema,
0:23:48 > 0:23:50- isn't it?- Well, I don't think it's a special day any more
0:23:50 > 0:23:53- and also stores are still open. - That's what I mean.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55That's the point, because in American law you can't have a
0:23:55 > 0:23:58religious festival being a commercial holiday.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00So all your holidays are secular.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03It's a really interesting thing, though, it is quite a secular culture, America.
0:24:03 > 0:24:04Although Americans,
0:24:04 > 0:24:07over 60% believe that angels walk amongst us.
0:24:07 > 0:24:08That's in America?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10SHE LAUGHS
0:24:10 > 0:24:12Why would they walk?
0:24:12 > 0:24:14LAUGHTER
0:24:18 > 0:24:20Hold on, hold on, are they cockney, these angels?
0:24:22 > 0:24:26- COCKNEY VOICE:- "Cor blimey, it's a right...it's a right result, this earth, isn't it?"
0:24:26 > 0:24:28"Hello, Raphael."
0:24:28 > 0:24:31"Hello, mate. How are you doing, all right?"
0:24:31 > 0:24:33"Yeah. You're an archangel, you are."
0:24:33 > 0:24:36"I'm infused with the holy spirit, I tell you what..."
0:24:36 > 0:24:38"Fancy coming down and walking among them?"
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Who makes up that test though?
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Who even thinks up that question?
0:24:42 > 0:24:44I know.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46"Where is Copenhagen", for example, was asked to
0:24:46 > 0:24:49a group of Americans and most of them thought it was in Canada.
0:24:49 > 0:24:53You mean...it isn't?
0:24:53 > 0:24:54No.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56LAUGHTER
0:25:00 > 0:25:03This is really such a shock to me.
0:25:03 > 0:25:05Also, do you know where the rebel base is?
0:25:05 > 0:25:08Will you tell us where the rebel base is?
0:25:08 > 0:25:10In your pants, right there.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12LAUGHTER
0:25:12 > 0:25:14Hey! Whoo!
0:25:16 > 0:25:18Ow!
0:25:18 > 0:25:20That's why you have to keep it bleached.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22That would be a great pair of underpants,
0:25:22 > 0:25:24just have "Rebel Base" across there.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28- On the waistband.- They're patented...!- Write that down.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30"These are the pants you want."
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Copyright Alan Davies. Yeah, well done.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37So you can leave your Christmas decorations up
0:25:37 > 0:25:39until the first of February, for all I care.
0:25:39 > 0:25:43So, having reinstated the full 38 days of Christmas,
0:25:43 > 0:25:46we now have plenty of time to mull over the scores, and my goodness me,
0:25:46 > 0:25:48how fabulous they are.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51In first place, with astonishing scoring, five points,
0:25:51 > 0:25:53that's a plus five, Jimmy Carr.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:55 > 0:25:57Oh, yes!
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Come on, five! Five points!
0:25:59 > 0:26:02But imagine on your debut to have a plus score, plus three,
0:26:02 > 0:26:04Carrie Fisher!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Three, brilliant. Three is a lot.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11Bill, in third place with a respectable minus six.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Minus six!
0:26:13 > 0:26:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:19 > 0:26:21There are only 40 days in advent,
0:26:21 > 0:26:23but Alan manages minus 46!
0:26:23 > 0:26:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:32 > 0:26:36It only remains for me to thank Carrie, Jimmy, Bill and, oh,
0:26:36 > 0:26:38wait a second, wait a second,
0:26:38 > 0:26:41there's one little boy here who still hasn't had a present.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43ALL: Aw!
0:26:43 > 0:26:45But here's Santa!
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Hello, Santa!
0:26:46 > 0:26:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:49 > 0:26:53So, Santa, what have you got for Alan?
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Have a feel in Santa's sack, Alan.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59What can you... Have a feel. What can you... What's in there?
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Ping-pong balls.
0:27:01 > 0:27:02Ping-pong balls.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05I know a very exciting thing you can do with ping-pong balls,
0:27:05 > 0:27:07but it's quite loud and quite dangerous.
0:27:07 > 0:27:09So, can you all put your ear defenders on?
0:27:09 > 0:27:11Look at Carrie's ear defenders.
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Carrie's ear defenders are very special.
0:27:15 > 0:27:19Ah, you don't know, but you got me through some very difficult years.
0:27:19 > 0:27:23I only said that when you had the ear defenders on.
0:27:23 > 0:27:28You go in a safe place. Jimmy, Carrie and Bill.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Sorry? What, what?
0:27:30 > 0:27:32And ear defenders on in the audience, if you would.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33Good luck!
0:27:33 > 0:27:37Alan, you and I are going to the extremely dangerous place.
0:27:37 > 0:27:38I mean kind of suicidal.
0:27:38 > 0:27:42- So put the goggles on before the...- Yeah, all right.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45And I've got gloves, which you don't need to have.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Right, OK. So here we have the ping-pong balls.
0:27:47 > 0:27:50We are going to pour in liquid nitrogen, which is
0:27:50 > 0:27:53196 degrees...minus, that is.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Really, really cold. We're pouring it into this bottle.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58And it's fine in the bottle,
0:27:58 > 0:28:02but if you put it in really hot water, obviously this is gas,
0:28:02 > 0:28:05which is in liquid form, and when it heats it'll go back to gas.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08But there's so much of it, it'll expand and expand and expand
0:28:08 > 0:28:11and the bottle will explode, really rather violently.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14So, if you put it in, there's hot water in there,
0:28:14 > 0:28:16we're going to add these ping-pong balls.
0:28:16 > 0:28:20And the moment the bottle goes in... Alan, pop in yours, all of them.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22And I'll pop in all of mine.
0:28:22 > 0:28:24And then we've got about five seconds!
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Wow, let's go.
0:28:27 > 0:28:28Oh, gosh!
0:28:28 > 0:28:30ALL: Whoo!
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Oh!
0:28:32 > 0:28:33It's snow!
0:28:35 > 0:28:39Well, ladies and gentlemen...
0:28:39 > 0:28:42That is just great.
0:28:42 > 0:28:46That was genuinely like all our Christmases came at once.
0:28:46 > 0:28:50Ding dong, merrily on high.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52And a very happy Christmas to you all!
0:28:52 > 0:28:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE