0:00:30 > 0:00:33Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,
0:00:33 > 0:00:37good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI.
0:00:37 > 0:00:40Tonight, we look through both telescope and microscope
0:00:40 > 0:00:44at the Quite Interesting world of Little and Large.
0:00:44 > 0:00:47Joining us tonight are the gigantic Phill Jupitus...
0:00:47 > 0:00:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:53..the massive Richard Osman...
0:00:53 > 0:00:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:56 > 0:00:58..the titanic Lucy Porter...
0:00:58 > 0:01:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:01 > 0:01:04..and, oh my gosh, he's so teeny-weeny,
0:01:04 > 0:01:06I could squish him, Alan Davies.
0:01:06 > 0:01:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Now, let's go large on your little buzzers.
0:01:14 > 0:01:16Phill goes...
0:01:16 > 0:01:18MUSIC: Big Spender by Shirley Bassey
0:01:18 > 0:01:19# Hey big spender
0:01:19 > 0:01:21# Spend
0:01:21 > 0:01:25# A little time with me. #
0:01:25 > 0:01:27Big Spender. Richard goes...
0:01:27 > 0:01:30MUSIC: Big Bad John by Jimmy Dean
0:01:30 > 0:01:33# Big John, big John
0:01:33 > 0:01:36# Big bad John... #
0:01:36 > 0:01:37Lucy goes...
0:01:37 > 0:01:41MUSIC: Big Girls Don't Cry by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons
0:01:41 > 0:01:43# Big girls don't cry
0:01:43 > 0:01:45# Big girls don't cry #
0:01:45 > 0:01:47And Alan goes...
0:01:47 > 0:01:51MUSIC: Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini by Brian Hyland
0:01:53 > 0:01:54Lovely.
0:01:54 > 0:01:59So, what's the largest native land animal, hmm,
0:01:59 > 0:02:02that you'll find all year round on Antarctica?
0:02:03 > 0:02:06I don't think there are any land animals on Antarctica.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Humans? Human beings?
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- Oooh! - KLAXON
0:02:10 > 0:02:12I did say...
0:02:12 > 0:02:15The line between clever and stupid is so... It's so thin, isn't it?
0:02:15 > 0:02:18I did say "native". Obviously there are humans.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20- Oh, I beg your pardon. - Yeah, there are natives.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22- Is it a penguin, a big penguin?- Oh!
0:02:22 > 0:02:25KLAXON
0:02:25 > 0:02:27I mean... Right, OK.
0:02:27 > 0:02:31So it's not that, because I made the evil siren go off.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32Would it be whales?
0:02:32 > 0:02:34A whale isn't a land animal.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37- A seal?- If the water melts really quickly, it is.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41I will give you a clue. You've already said penguin...
0:02:41 > 0:02:45It's a flightless animal, but it's not a big mammal.
0:02:45 > 0:02:48Given that it is big and little and large, is it very wee?
0:02:48 > 0:02:51It is actually very small. Although it's the largest.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53- Is it a mosquito or something like that?- It's an insect.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55You're in the right direction. It's like a mosquito.
0:02:55 > 0:02:58Mosquitoes are like... If you go to Scotland, what do you get?
0:02:58 > 0:03:01- A ladybird.- Midge.- Midge. - Midge, midge. It's a midge.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03It's a...bug?
0:03:03 > 0:03:04A midge?
0:03:04 > 0:03:08Belgica Antarctica. The Belgian, as you might say, midge.
0:03:08 > 0:03:11There it is - it's wingless, flightless, it's a midge
0:03:11 > 0:03:14and the point is, it's native to Antarctica.
0:03:14 > 0:03:17There are all kinds of animals, like humans, like penguins,
0:03:17 > 0:03:19that spend a bit of their time in Antarctica.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Penguins only 25% of their time,
0:03:21 > 0:03:2375% of their time, they're at sea.
0:03:23 > 0:03:25They're not a land animal.
0:03:25 > 0:03:28"Arr, but we're married to the sea."
0:03:28 > 0:03:30- "Penguins, we love the life." - They do.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32"Away from our nagging wives
0:03:32 > 0:03:34"with their beaks and their wings,
0:03:34 > 0:03:37"sitting on eggs. Arr."
0:03:37 > 0:03:39There they are. Ah, bless.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42What is it about them that is so endearing?
0:03:42 > 0:03:43They're delicious.
0:03:46 > 0:03:48Mmm, that's good eating.
0:03:49 > 0:03:52Talking of humans not being native to Antarctica,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55there's a story the other day about the American scientist
0:03:55 > 0:03:57who's there and he decided to turn Tinder on -
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- you know Tinder, the dating app? - Oh, yes?- Oh.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02And he got a date with a woman in a tent 45 minutes away,
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- who was also a researcher. - You're kidding me!
0:04:04 > 0:04:07- That's hilarious!- That would be great if she came up and he went,
0:04:07 > 0:04:09"Nah, swipe right, nah."
0:04:09 > 0:04:11Grindr, however - all penguins.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Yes.
0:04:13 > 0:04:15But if they were to mate, say have a child,
0:04:15 > 0:04:17raised that child there, suddenly...
0:04:17 > 0:04:20That child would be endemic or native to Antarctica.
0:04:20 > 0:04:24Yeah, and by the time this goes out on Dave, everyone will be like, "What about the..."
0:04:24 > 0:04:26- Yeah, you're right.- Yeah, what about the Tinder baby?- The midge.
0:04:26 > 0:04:29Tinder baby, you're right. I'll have to pull in...
0:04:29 > 0:04:31They've got wifi, that's the best thing about that.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- Yeah, wifi on Antarctica. - That's good going.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36- Yeah, it is impressive.- I bet the penguins are all hooked up.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38"They're all the same."
0:04:41 > 0:04:44Their version of Tinder is called Pick Up A Penguin.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Very good. So, now...
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Identify the world's biggest gasbag.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55Oh, Lord, John McCririck.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59John McCririck is a very good answer.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01An actual bag of actual gas?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04That would probably be the best way to go.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Without hinting too much.
0:05:06 > 0:05:09I presume something like the Hindenburg, an airship.
0:05:09 > 0:05:10An enormous airship, perhaps.
0:05:10 > 0:05:14Well...kind of like an airship, yes, though in fact even bigger.
0:05:14 > 0:05:17This is the biggest such device ever constructed by man.
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Is it the one that Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden is involved with?
0:05:21 > 0:05:23How extraordinary you are.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25No.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28But I am very impressed that you should know of that.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31He is. Yeah, I met him about five years ago, he said he was doing...
0:05:31 > 0:05:34He invested a huge amount of money and it's about 200ft, or 300ft long or something,
0:05:34 > 0:05:38it's absolutely enormous. There's pictures of it, it looks like an arse, the way it's built.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- That's it.- Oh, there you go. - It does. There it is, like an arse. - It's in its hangar.
0:05:41 > 0:05:44But it's in a hangar that's so big it has its own climate.
0:05:44 > 0:05:47- Yes.- It has clouds and all sorts of things.- Yeah.- Why, oh why, oh why?
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Did he do it? Well, because, for commercial reasons, it's like to replace...
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- Oh, it goes 100mph.- Yeah, it's like properly quite impressive.
0:05:53 > 0:05:55Have they sorted out the whole, you know, Hindenburg
0:05:55 > 0:05:56fiery death element?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59No, they decided not to worry about it.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02It can carry 50 tonnes,
0:06:02 > 0:06:05it can stay in the air for three and a half weeks.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07But the difference between that and the Hindenburg is?
0:06:07 > 0:06:08Do you know what the...?
0:06:08 > 0:06:10- It's not full of hydrogen, I take it. - It's the gas.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13Well that's it, the Hindenburg and the earlier airships were
0:06:13 > 0:06:15full of hydrogen, which is incrense...
0:06:15 > 0:06:18- Incrensely... Incrensely flammable.- Yeah.
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Anyway, not just incredibly or intensely,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- but incrensely. Yeah.- Well, that's... Which is why it blew up.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26That's why it blew up, because it was incrensely flammable.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28What have I told you about reading Jabberwocky
0:06:28 > 0:06:30before you present shows?
0:06:30 > 0:06:33It makes it intedibly dangerous.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36So, yes, that was a really good interruption, as it were.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Is this a naturally occurring gas-bag?
0:06:38 > 0:06:39No, it isn't.
0:06:39 > 0:06:43It is the biggest ever bag of gas created by human kind.
0:06:43 > 0:06:44Does it have a purpose...
0:06:44 > 0:06:46So it has a purpose other than storing the gas?
0:06:46 > 0:06:49It had a purpose, in as much as it broke three records,
0:06:49 > 0:06:52which are better remembered than this record.
0:06:52 > 0:06:55What are the three records you might think of,
0:06:55 > 0:06:57in terms of a balloon?
0:06:57 > 0:06:59- Height, distance... - Yes, height, distance...
0:06:59 > 0:07:00And number of deaths.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02There were no deaths.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04There were no deaths in this case.
0:07:04 > 0:07:05Is it loudest pop?
0:07:05 > 0:07:06Not...
0:07:08 > 0:07:10Most excited child?
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Who...who jumped out of a really high balloon?
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- Oh, the...- Felix Baumgartner.- Yeah.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18- GERMAN ACCENT:- Felix Baumgartner is the right answer. This is the... Ja.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20So, Felix Baumgartner - there he is.
0:07:20 > 0:07:24- He fell from a greater height than anyone has ever fallen.- Right.
0:07:24 > 0:07:27He achieved a greater speed than anyone has fallen,
0:07:27 > 0:07:29which made him the first man ever to what?
0:07:29 > 0:07:30Break the sound barrier.
0:07:30 > 0:07:32Break the sound barrier, unaided.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34And it was the highest balloon ascent ever.
0:07:34 > 0:07:37Those are three records, the highest balloon ascent, biggest freefall...
0:07:37 > 0:07:39- Do you know what else it was, Stephen?- What's that?
0:07:39 > 0:07:41It was incrensely dangerous.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Incrensely... it was incrensely dangerous!
0:07:43 > 0:07:47But it was the largest balloon ever constructed.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49And let's have a look at how bigot it was.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51It was... Bigoted?
0:07:51 > 0:07:53It was bigoted than the Statue of Liberty.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56It was more bigoted than the Statue of Liberty?
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- What is the matter?! - What is going on?!
0:08:01 > 0:08:02It is a famous bigot.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Get... Just get rid of this one, get another one in.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09Give me your bored, your tired and tell them to piss off.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11What they'd call it in Carry On world is
0:08:11 > 0:08:14the "Statue of Diabolical Liberty".
0:08:14 > 0:08:16Anyway, it is gigantic,
0:08:16 > 0:08:18it's almost as tall as St Paul's Cathedral,
0:08:18 > 0:08:21but taller, as you can see, than the Statue of Liberty, by a few feet.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23But the comparison with the Hindenburg is interesting,
0:08:23 > 0:08:26which is one, do you know the Hindenburg? You mentioned, I think,
0:08:26 > 0:08:29- didn't you...- Mmm-hmm. - There's the Hindenburg.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32And the Hindenburg burst into flames catastrophically in New Jersey,
0:08:32 > 0:08:34at the Lakehurst Naval Air Station.
0:08:34 > 0:08:36There it is. I mean, just awful.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38It was so sophisticated inside, incredible.
0:08:38 > 0:08:40That is, that is sophisticated.
0:08:40 > 0:08:42Yeah. And they even had a cigarette lighter,
0:08:42 > 0:08:45although it was hydrogen, one of the most flammable gases there is.
0:08:45 > 0:08:47- All smoking!- But it was chained.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50"Cigarette? Cigarette?" "Yes, please."
0:08:50 > 0:08:51I like to live dangerously...
0:08:51 > 0:08:53"What's that smell? Can anyone smell gas?"
0:08:56 > 0:08:58"Don't be absurd."
0:08:59 > 0:09:01The cigarette lighter was chained to one place,
0:09:01 > 0:09:04so you could go up and light your cigarette.
0:09:04 > 0:09:08But everyone wore special shoes that didn't create friction
0:09:08 > 0:09:11and static electricity to create a spark that would set it off,
0:09:11 > 0:09:12but something went wrong.
0:09:12 > 0:09:15In the movie, it's supposedly sabotage.
0:09:15 > 0:09:16So there you are.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19What use is a blue whale at a birthday party?
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Alan, I'll give you a chance here.
0:09:21 > 0:09:23We know how you love blue whales.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28It's not a blue actually, we should have offered you a blue,
0:09:28 > 0:09:30but in fact that is a hump. It's a humper.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32That's not real, that photo, is it?
0:09:32 > 0:09:35Oh, yes. Oh, yes, Alan's a diver.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37A blue whale at a birthday party?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Well they take up a lot of room, you'd need a big hall.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Yeah.
0:09:40 > 0:09:42It's good, I think you're getting there.
0:09:42 > 0:09:45Yeah. That's good encouragement, thanks, Richard.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47That's OK.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50Think it would be fun for the kids to get inside, couldn't they?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52- Play around.- True.- Bouncy castle?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54- Bouncy arsehole, did you say?- No...
0:09:56 > 0:09:58..I didn't, but by all means.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00Oh, bouncy castle.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03- Bouncy castle.- Oh, yeah, yeah, I see what you mean, yeah.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08"Yeah, I'd like to, I'd like to hire a bouncy arsehole, if I may."
0:10:11 > 0:10:13Oops.
0:10:13 > 0:10:15No. List things that you need for children's parties.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17- Well, my kids...- Cake, I was thinking candles.- Yeah.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20- Candles is one. - My kids love ambergris, so...
0:10:21 > 0:10:23You're quite right, ambergris does come from a whale.
0:10:23 > 0:10:26It would be a natural for a blue whale. Right, cake...
0:10:26 > 0:10:27- Pass the parcel.- Pass the parcel.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29- Balloons?- Yes!- Balloons!
0:10:29 > 0:10:32- Balloons.- A big whale balloon. Whales filled with helium.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34Why would a blue whale be useful at a children's party?
0:10:34 > 0:10:37Because it can fill up, it's got the largest breath in the world.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39Yes. Because, in one breath,
0:10:39 > 0:10:41a blue whale could inflate
0:10:41 > 0:10:441,250 balloons.
0:10:44 > 0:10:46- Wow.- OK.- That's a spoilt child.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48I agree.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51I take that point, but I'm fairly sure it's never happened.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53No, no. You're right.
0:10:53 > 0:10:56Yeah, and also, logistically, it would be almost impossible.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I would like... Whales live to be very old as well, don't they?
0:11:00 > 0:11:02- Oh, yes.- So I would like one at my birthday party
0:11:02 > 0:11:03to make me feel both young and slim.
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Yes. Whales aren't particularly slim though, Lucy.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09No, but I would, next to a whale...
0:11:09 > 0:11:11Oh, I see, next to a whale. Yeah, sorry, I'm so stupid.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13I'm not asking for much of a compliment, Stephen.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16No, no. I'm sorry!
0:11:16 > 0:11:17Just...you know?
0:11:17 > 0:11:18I do apologise.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20You're not going to be able to get next to the whale,
0:11:20 > 0:11:23because he's in the balloon shed, pumping away.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26- PHILL GRUNTS - One.
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- PHILL GRUNTS - Two.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Just going, "Those dolphins have it easy, don't they?"
0:11:33 > 0:11:37I'm going to give you some bags now and ask you to blow these up.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Now you may say, that's easy enough.
0:11:39 > 0:11:40Ah, time for the controversial
0:11:40 > 0:11:43auto-erotic asphyxiation round.
0:11:43 > 0:11:46Oh, don't, that's so rude.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- There you are.- Here we go. - That's terrible.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50I'd just like a belt and a tangerine now.
0:11:52 > 0:11:53So you're blowing up.
0:11:54 > 0:11:57What you're doing is, you're trying to blow up...
0:11:59 > 0:12:00All right.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01Look how clever she is.
0:12:01 > 0:12:03How did you do that?
0:12:03 > 0:12:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:07 > 0:12:09I'll show you here. It's called the Bernoulli effect.
0:12:09 > 0:12:11I can't even do that, Richard.
0:12:11 > 0:12:12OK, watch this.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15One blow.
0:12:15 > 0:12:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:25 > 0:12:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:29 > 0:12:31So there you are.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34Just one blow from a distance, like that, which you did.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37So you get the points there, Lucy, that's very impressive.
0:12:37 > 0:12:38So put them away nicely.
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Now, who said,
0:12:41 > 0:12:44"The most beautiful girl or woman in the world
0:12:44 > 0:12:46"would be a matter of indifference to me,
0:12:46 > 0:12:49"but tall soldiers - they are my weakness"?
0:12:50 > 0:12:51You did.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54KLAXON
0:12:59 > 0:13:01Oh, yes.
0:13:01 > 0:13:02Oh, yes.
0:13:03 > 0:13:04That was very pleasing.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07It was, wasn't it?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Was it someone who had a tall soldier
0:13:09 > 0:13:10pointing a gun at them at the time?
0:13:10 > 0:13:12You'd think so.
0:13:12 > 0:13:15This person was obsessed with tall soldiers,
0:13:15 > 0:13:16tall people generally.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Was it my PA, Kelly?
0:13:20 > 0:13:21She would be.
0:13:21 > 0:13:24She is literally... All she wants in the world, if you know anyone,
0:13:24 > 0:13:26is a ginger squaddie - that's all she wants.
0:13:26 > 0:13:27It's all she wants.
0:13:27 > 0:13:30- But a tall ginger squaddie?- A tall ginger squaddie, or failing that,
0:13:30 > 0:13:32a ginger roofer. So if you know anybody...
0:13:32 > 0:13:34All right, you heard it here first.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37I do have a... I have an inkling about this,
0:13:37 > 0:13:41but I can't remember... It was a squadron...
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Potsdam?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45Ah, brilliant! Absolutely right.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Yeah, there were the Potsdam Giants.
0:13:48 > 0:13:49Yeah, absolutely right.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53It was King Frederick Wilhelm I of Proist,
0:13:53 > 0:13:55or Prussia,
0:13:55 > 0:13:57who was the father of Frederick the Great.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59And he became King in 1713,
0:13:59 > 0:14:01as you all know.
0:14:01 > 0:14:05And he was obsessed with tall soldiers.
0:14:05 > 0:14:08- And he would kidnap them, he would recruit them...- It's like your PA.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10He would get them from any country that wanted to be in with Prussia,
0:14:10 > 0:14:12which was just growing as a power.
0:14:12 > 0:14:15He himself was only 5 foot 5.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17- So he wasn't very tall. - "Taller than me."
0:14:17 > 0:14:19But he just got them from all over the place.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21In fact one of his tallest was a seven foot Irishman,
0:14:21 > 0:14:22called James Kirkland,
0:14:22 > 0:14:26who was a hero of the Regiment of Potsdam Giants
0:14:26 > 0:14:28and he paid fathers for tall sons,
0:14:28 > 0:14:30he paid tall women to have sex with tall men
0:14:30 > 0:14:32so they could have tall sons.
0:14:32 > 0:14:33He was, and if he was...
0:14:33 > 0:14:36He sounds like my kind of guy, I've got to say.
0:14:37 > 0:14:42If he was unhappy, he'd get two or three hundred of his giants...
0:14:42 > 0:14:44Ho, ho, don't finish this sentence.
0:14:44 > 0:14:47No, no, no. Preceded by tall turbaned Moors,
0:14:47 > 0:14:50with cymbals and trumpets of the Grenadiers' mascot,
0:14:50 > 0:14:52an enormous bear, to march for him to cheer him up.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54And they'd do this through his bedroom if he was ill.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58- To march for him?- With a bear as well?- Through his bedroom? How big was his bedroom?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00It must have been, well enormous. He was an emperor.
0:15:00 > 0:15:03He wants big men and a bear, marching to strict rhythm,
0:15:03 > 0:15:04which you can find
0:15:04 > 0:15:06in Old Compton Street, most Fridays.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- You're right. You're right. - PHILL BEATBOXES
0:15:08 > 0:15:10You'd think he'd want them to do tall stuff.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12Like reach up to high shelves?
0:15:12 > 0:15:14Yeah, stuff off shelves or something.
0:15:14 > 0:15:15Yes, that's true. Plucking.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18I mean what's the point of having them just walking up and down?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20I don't know. He had his particular thing.
0:15:20 > 0:15:22The reason I've heard of this is because
0:15:22 > 0:15:25when I got together with my husband, someone made this reference,
0:15:25 > 0:15:28because I'm 4 foot 11 and my husband is 6 foot 5.
0:15:28 > 0:15:29- Which is like...- Hmm, Justin.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32It's like, yes, in the bedroom it's like a ventriloquism act
0:15:32 > 0:15:34that's gone really seriously wrong.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38- You know, a horrible image I know. - That's gone so right!
0:15:38 > 0:15:39Well, yes.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42There's a... Well, Frederick would have loved it, obviously.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Yeah.- What does he make you do while he's drinking a pint of water?
0:15:48 > 0:15:51I'll bet it's not the alphabet.
0:15:51 > 0:15:52Oh!
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Now.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58So, and almost 100 years,
0:15:58 > 0:16:00this regiment was part of the Prussian army.
0:16:00 > 0:16:01Was that because they live longer?
0:16:01 > 0:16:05No, I don't mean each individual member -
0:16:05 > 0:16:07though they did live longer.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Do they get gradually shorter?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- It was a...- "I used to be tall."
0:16:14 > 0:16:18Yes. King Frederick William of Prussia liked a tall soldier.
0:16:18 > 0:16:22But why was Sir Billy Butlin such a little devil?
0:16:22 > 0:16:24- Hmm.- Oh, holiday camps.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27Butlins holiday camps. Minehead, Scarborough, Filey.
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- Skegness.- Skegness, yeah.
0:16:29 > 0:16:31Were the chalets little?
0:16:31 > 0:16:32No, but Billy Butlin himself...
0:16:32 > 0:16:33Was he tiny?
0:16:33 > 0:16:36He was. And if you think about the age he is,
0:16:36 > 0:16:38you might be able to work this out.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39Second World War?
0:16:39 > 0:16:41- No.- First World War?
0:16:41 > 0:16:43The First World War, that's the generation he was.
0:16:43 > 0:16:44And in the First World war,
0:16:44 > 0:16:48they had something to make people fight, which was called?
0:16:48 > 0:16:49Bromide.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52No. It was a law.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- Conscription.- Conscription, yes. - Conscription.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57But one of the things that could get you out of being conscripted
0:16:57 > 0:16:58was that if you were?
0:16:58 > 0:17:00- Tiny.- If you were small.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Did he pretend to be bigger to...?
0:17:02 > 0:17:05No, he, as it were,
0:17:05 > 0:17:09fell under a particular desperation that the British Army...
0:17:09 > 0:17:11Did they start a short army?
0:17:11 > 0:17:12Yes, they literally did.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18Lord Derby, the Earl of Derby said, now hang on, there are a whole
0:17:18 > 0:17:21load of short people, as it were, getting under the wire.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24And all these tall people are fighting and dying for us,
0:17:24 > 0:17:26we want more people to die for us.
0:17:26 > 0:17:28There simply aren't enough people dying.
0:17:28 > 0:17:31And all these short people are living.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33So we're going to have a short brigade.
0:17:33 > 0:17:37And they were known as the "Bantams". The "Bantam Brigade".
0:17:37 > 0:17:39I know, they were...
0:17:39 > 0:17:41Presumably it would be quite good,
0:17:41 > 0:17:42you could play on the opposition's...
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- You know, the opposing army's sense of perspective?- Yeah. Exactly.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47In some way you're like...
0:17:47 > 0:17:49"Those soldiers are really far away."
0:17:49 > 0:17:52- Yeah, that's right.- "We have ages. They won't get here for days."
0:17:52 > 0:17:54"They are no danger to us... Argh!"
0:17:56 > 0:17:59These were men under 5 foot 3
0:17:59 > 0:18:01and Billy Butlin was one of them.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04They became known as "The Devils", in fact, the "Devil's Dwarfs",
0:18:04 > 0:18:05- because they were so...- Oh, my God!
0:18:05 > 0:18:08Their reputation for brawling and mischief.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11They were very, very aggressive.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15Here they are, being inspected by a splendid man with a moustache.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17"Well done, well done."
0:18:17 > 0:18:19German shin injuries up 75%.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27"All our legs are being shot away from us, we do not know why."
0:18:27 > 0:18:29Surely they should have just put them
0:18:29 > 0:18:31on each others' shoulders in a long coat.
0:18:31 > 0:18:32Oh, yeah.
0:18:32 > 0:18:35The most famous of them was called Henry Threadgould,
0:18:35 > 0:18:36who was only 4 foot 9.
0:18:36 > 0:18:39And he was believed to be the shortest soldier ever
0:18:39 > 0:18:40to have served in the British Army.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43There he is, next to quite a tall Scottish soldier.
0:18:43 > 0:18:44But that's a short chap,
0:18:44 > 0:18:48but chirpy and cheerful and ready to lay down his life for our country.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50I hope he doesn't shake hands with him.
0:18:50 > 0:18:51Hey, now.
0:18:51 > 0:18:52That's given my husband and I
0:18:52 > 0:18:55a whole new avenue for bedroom role-play.
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- You be Henry and I'll be a Scots Guard.- Yeah!
0:19:02 > 0:19:04Well, there you are.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06So next time you go on a Butlins holiday, you can say,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09well, thank you, Billy, for putting your life at risk,
0:19:09 > 0:19:11despite the fact that you weren't as tall as most soldiers.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13And he survived.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15He survived in order to create these holiday camps. Yeah.
0:19:15 > 0:19:17- With tiny beds.- With...
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Now, what did the chap on the left here have
0:19:21 > 0:19:24that was twice as big as the chap on the right?
0:19:25 > 0:19:27Is it to do with their beards?
0:19:27 > 0:19:30No, they're both very, very, very famous, they're both 19th century.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31Are they philosophers?
0:19:31 > 0:19:34One of them won a Nobel prize, the other didn't.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35Oh, is it Nobel Prize cabinet?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41APPLAUSE
0:19:43 > 0:19:46You are faster than the speed of light tonight.
0:19:46 > 0:19:49No, it's not that, but it could easily be.
0:19:49 > 0:19:51You definitely deserve points for that.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54The one on the right was hugely fashionable for a time,
0:19:54 > 0:19:56and his name is Anatole France.
0:19:56 > 0:19:59And he won the Nobel Prize for Literature.
0:19:59 > 0:20:01The one on the left was a great literary figure,
0:20:01 > 0:20:03still much more highly regarded as a literary figure
0:20:03 > 0:20:05than the one on the right.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Is it Twitter following?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10Neither of them, to their eternal shame, has a Twitter following.
0:20:10 > 0:20:13How do you win a Nobel Prize for Literature if you don't Twitter?
0:20:13 > 0:20:15It seems inconceivable, doesn't it? I know. I know.
0:20:15 > 0:20:18The one on the left... His initials though, are to do,
0:20:18 > 0:20:21slightly to do with Twitter, his initials are IT.
0:20:21 > 0:20:22Is he Russian?
0:20:22 > 0:20:24Yes. So if it's "I", it's got to be?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26- Igor.- Ivan.
0:20:26 > 0:20:27"Ivan" is the right answer.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Month In The Country?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- Turgenev?- Fathers And Sons, Ivan Turgenev is the right answer.
0:20:34 > 0:20:38So, you have Ivan Turgenev and you have Anatole France.
0:20:38 > 0:20:41One had something that was double the size of the other.
0:20:41 > 0:20:42Is it right hand or left hand?
0:20:42 > 0:20:46- No, but you're right to be physical, it's about their bodies.- Cock.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50- Maybe cock...- Well, everyone's thinking it, we might as well get it out in the open.
0:20:50 > 0:20:51KLAXON
0:20:51 > 0:20:53Oh!
0:20:53 > 0:20:56APPLAUSE
0:20:58 > 0:21:00- No?- It's quite fun to sit here
0:21:00 > 0:21:02when the word "penis" just flashes behind you.
0:21:02 > 0:21:06The number of times that's happened to him.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07- It's not.- Brain?
0:21:07 > 0:21:09"Brain" is the right answer.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11You bring back a little... A few points to yourself.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13Oh, come on, it must match up.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Well, that's the thing, is...
0:21:15 > 0:21:18You can't lose more for saying "cock" than you get for saying "brain".
0:21:18 > 0:21:20You know that a klaxon...
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Yeah, Turgenev's brain is twice the size of Anatole France's -
0:21:23 > 0:21:28or was - and Anatole France won the Nobel Prize and Turgenev didn't,
0:21:28 > 0:21:31not that that's anything to do with it, but it is quite surprising.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Because generally speaking,
0:21:32 > 0:21:35it's held that brain size is to do with intelligence.
0:21:35 > 0:21:38Although there are manifold exceptions.
0:21:38 > 0:21:42But in the case of Turgenev and Anatole France, well,
0:21:42 > 0:21:45Turgenev's brain was 4lbs 6oz.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49And France's was 2lbs 4oz. Almost exactly half.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52Can you feel the weight of your brain?
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- Is that a thing?- Yes, I can. - If you've got a heavier brain...
0:21:55 > 0:21:56Yeah. It's really upsetting.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58I can't feel anything.
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Size isn't everything, it seems.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06However, just how small can you feel?
0:22:07 > 0:22:11Er, right. So is this the... Your ability to feel tininess?
0:22:11 > 0:22:13Hmm, it is, well spotted.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15A human hair is pretty small.
0:22:15 > 0:22:17Oh, look. Hairs are small, yeah.
0:22:17 > 0:22:20You can't feel that if it's resting on your hand,
0:22:20 > 0:22:22but if you put it between your fingers, you can.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25- Pollen, can you feel pollen? - Ooh, ooh...
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- It depends what you're feeling it with.- Ooh...
0:22:27 > 0:22:31- Yes.- Yes.- Look, I'm doing this, look, I'm doing this, I can play the tiny violin.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34- You're using your fingertips, which are your best feely things. - Oh, OK, fingertips.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38So it was only in 2013 they started to do experiments really, to try and find out.
0:22:38 > 0:22:40And they used a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very
0:22:40 > 0:22:43smooth surface to try and get the friction, the friction.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46And it's absolutely extraordinary what they discovered.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49And that is that we can feel, with our fingers,
0:22:49 > 0:22:53something as small as 13 nanometres high.
0:22:53 > 0:22:56Which is to say, the size of a single molecule.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59Which in itself would be ten times smaller than a bacterium.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02Fortunately, we can't feel bacteria,
0:23:02 > 0:23:04because that would drive us crazy, because they're everywhere.
0:23:04 > 0:23:08Human fingers do this by sensing vibrations from the friction,
0:23:08 > 0:23:10and it is absolutely astonishing.
0:23:10 > 0:23:12And you can test it,
0:23:12 > 0:23:14because you can put something on a surface that's smooth
0:23:14 > 0:23:17and put these tiny things and say "stop" when you feel it.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19How smooth is smooth?
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Yeah. Are we talking like Magic FM?
0:23:22 > 0:23:24- That's too smooth.- Too smooth?- Yeah.
0:23:24 > 0:23:27The research team created invisible wrinkles of 16 different heights.
0:23:27 > 0:23:29The smallest detectable ones
0:23:29 > 0:23:34were 7,000 times thinner than a sheet of paper.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35There you are. It makes you wonder though,
0:23:35 > 0:23:39why we can never find the end of a roll of Sellotape.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40Hey...
0:23:41 > 0:23:43How is that?
0:23:43 > 0:23:46Anyway, you'd be surprised just how small people feel sometimes.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47Now, fingers on buzzers please,
0:23:47 > 0:23:49because it's time for General Ignorance.
0:23:49 > 0:23:51Which country's armed forces official march
0:23:51 > 0:23:54is about a tramp by a pond being accosted by a farmer, because
0:23:54 > 0:23:56he's stolen a sheep in his lunch bag...?
0:23:56 > 0:23:57# Big bad John. #
0:23:57 > 0:23:59- Australia?- Oh!
0:23:59 > 0:24:01KLAXON
0:24:01 > 0:24:03- What a shame.- It sounds a bit like it though, doesn't it?
0:24:03 > 0:24:06It sounds exactly like it, because it is an exact translation of?
0:24:06 > 0:24:09- Waltzing Matilda.- Waltzing Matilda. - Waltzing Matilda,
0:24:09 > 0:24:11but Waltzing Matilda is not an official march in Australia.
0:24:11 > 0:24:16But it is the official march of a country's military.
0:24:16 > 0:24:18Oh, I bet, it's one of the African countries, isn't it?
0:24:18 > 0:24:20- It's not, bizarrely.- It's one of the Asian countries.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22No, it's not.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24- So way deep down there in South America?- South American?
0:24:24 > 0:24:27- No. But that's the right area, except not south.- Caribbean.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30- No.- Central America, Nicaragua, like Honduras type place?
0:24:30 > 0:24:32Panama, I want to say Panama.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Belize, I'm going to say Belize. I'm going to say...
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- If you get it, when I've done 15, I'm going to...- Belize, Belize me.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39- El Salvador.- Costa Rica.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41No. Go big.
0:24:41 > 0:24:42- Mexico.- Mexico.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44- Even bigger.- America.- America.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46The United States of America, amazingly.
0:24:46 > 0:24:49- Get out of town. - The first Marine... Yeah.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51The First Marine division, there they are. They have...
0:24:51 > 0:24:53- Tall soldiers! - Yeah. The First Marine...
0:24:53 > 0:24:55"I love you. March for me!"
0:24:55 > 0:24:57I love she's just, she's just not all...
0:24:57 > 0:25:00She's come out of the wrong door.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02- Well...- That's my PA, Kelly.
0:25:05 > 0:25:06Hats off!
0:25:06 > 0:25:09Yeah, the First Marine division used Waltzing Matilda,
0:25:09 > 0:25:13because of their relationship with the Australian Army in World War II.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17But there's no Australian military force that uses it officially.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Of course, they can play what they like.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23- They were trying to have it as their national anthem, weren't they? But it was out-voted, I think.- By?
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- By Advance Australia Fair. - "Advance Australia Fair."
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Which is one of the official marches,
0:25:27 > 0:25:31- the other being,- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: - "God Save The Queen."
0:25:31 > 0:25:34And there's also the British Royal Tank Regiment's slow march.
0:25:34 > 0:25:37So, the fact is, if you hear Waltzing Matilda coming at you
0:25:37 > 0:25:39in an official capacity,
0:25:39 > 0:25:41it's Americans attacking you, not Aussies.
0:25:41 > 0:25:44Or our own chaps, but very slowly.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46When a chicken lays an egg,
0:25:46 > 0:25:49which end comes out first?
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Oh, God. Not answering.
0:25:52 > 0:25:54# Big girls... #
0:25:54 > 0:25:55The big end.
0:25:55 > 0:25:59- Yes! That's right. You see... - Oh, shut up! I was going to say that!
0:26:02 > 0:26:04We can actually, um...
0:26:04 > 0:26:05We've actually got a glove
0:26:05 > 0:26:09which sort of reproduces an oviduct -
0:26:09 > 0:26:12you know, a little egg-laying tube, so you can try and...
0:26:12 > 0:26:14What happens is, in utero,
0:26:14 > 0:26:17the egg is little end down and then it turns round.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Yeah, very good.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25I'm going to start campaigning for epidurals for chickens.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27There you are, you can let the big end out, can you...
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Ooh.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32- Oh, no, this is so sore.- Are these hard-boiled, because this is...
0:26:32 > 0:26:34- Oh, well done, there you are. - Oh, I've laid one.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Oh, dear.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37It is a rubber egg, as you can...
0:26:37 > 0:26:39WHACK WHACK
0:26:41 > 0:26:43That's why you're not a hen gynaecologist.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47But you should have... Have you got a real egg down there?
0:26:47 > 0:26:48I've got a real egg and a cup.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Now, now be careful with the real egg. Point it over the cup.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Why, are they fragile, Stephen?
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Well, no, they're not fragile, Alan,
0:26:55 > 0:26:59and if you obey this picture and put the egg in your hand like this
0:26:59 > 0:27:02and squeeze as hard as you like, you shouldn't be able to break it.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Yeah.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06- What have I got to do?- Squeeze.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Hard as you can, to break it. But you can't, can you?
0:27:08 > 0:27:11- No, I cannot break it.- Very, very strong. And that's the thing, eggs are very...
0:27:11 > 0:27:13You can try it at home, ladies and gentlemen.
0:27:13 > 0:27:17- But...- Ah, if any of you had done it, I would have married you, goddamn it.
0:27:17 > 0:27:19How do they stamp them, Stephen?
0:27:19 > 0:27:23Well they've got a little thing inside their little hymen.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27A little printing event, that goes on, just as it comes out,
0:27:27 > 0:27:28getting its best before date.
0:27:28 > 0:27:32- That's clever. That's very clever. - Yeah, yeah.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36The cartridges to refill a chicken are really prohibitively expensive.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Well, yes, you've rather revealed my trick...
0:27:40 > 0:27:42Oh they're great, look at that go!
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Meanwhile, on the chicken farm, Barnes Wallace...
0:27:46 > 0:27:50And so, having spent a little time having it large with you all,
0:27:50 > 0:27:52it's time to look at the scores.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Well, it's extraordinary, it's wonderful, it's terrific
0:27:55 > 0:27:58and it's marvellous, because in first place, by quite a margin -
0:27:58 > 0:28:00that's to say by QI standards -
0:28:00 > 0:28:02it's Lucy Porter, with 8 points!
0:28:02 > 0:28:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:07 > 0:28:09In second place,
0:28:09 > 0:28:115 behind, with plus 3,
0:28:11 > 0:28:13is Phill Jupitus.
0:28:13 > 0:28:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:17 > 0:28:20And surprising, given the depth and breadth of his knowledge,
0:28:20 > 0:28:22with minus 16, in third place,
0:28:22 > 0:28:23is Richard Osman.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:25 > 0:28:27We did rubbish.
0:28:27 > 0:28:30But, bringing up his all too familiar rear,
0:28:30 > 0:28:32with minus 27, is Alan Davies.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:40 > 0:28:43So, it's thanks from Lucy, Phill, Richard, Alan and me.
0:28:43 > 0:28:46And I'll leave you with the last words of Nostradamus,
0:28:46 > 0:28:50as he lay dying, probably making what was his only accurate
0:28:50 > 0:28:53and only unambiguous prediction.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56"Tomorrow, I shall no longer be here."
0:28:56 > 0:28:57Good night.